Open in app Ossiana Tepfenhart 2.2K Followers About Croton) C) ® * Sign in to your account (ak_@g__.com) for your personalized experience. G Sign inwith Google Not you? Sign in or create an account You have 1 free member-only story left this month. Sign up for Medium and get an extra one | Work In Porn. | Know Why So Many Men Are Single A look into the frustrating world of dating as a man. Ossiana Tepfenhart Nov16 - 7minread *Getstarted ) Open in app Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash As someone who works in the porn industry, I know a little secret. It’s true. As a person who hangs out with adult film stars, I know that you don’t have to be 6'1 with a sick physique to get laid. Everyone is someone’s fantasy, and your looks only are one small factor among many that make relationships possible. I know the pressure on men to have a partner is high for a number of reasons, some which I can’t even fully articulate. I also know how many men have crazy struggles trying to find (and keep) a partner. It feels like an uphill battle, and I see it with my friends all the time. Some of these guys would floor you. I've met a nurse who was absolutely gorgeous — the type I'd tear the clothes off of if he’d let me — cry into a drink over being single. I've also met the stereotypical “incel” type, minus the hate. Even the demographics show that there are more single men than women. Ever wonder what’s going on here? Why are so many men single these days? I got a little insight for you. 1. Social skills are not as common as they once were.Open inapp @ have no friends, no hobbies, and no dating prospects. I know, because that’s what happened to me. The internet changed that. You don’t need to have face-to-face interaction skills to get by anymore. It’s true. The trope of the “socially awkward computer programmer” is a real one. And unfortunately, that lack of social skills means you can’t present your best self to a potential partner. 2. Men are being fed a steady diet of bad and unhealthy dating advice. Here’s the big one that’s killing dating for most men. They're being fed a steady diet of unhealthy (or even downright toxic) dating advice. I can’t name how many men have told me that “women only go for Chad” or that “women only want a paycheck.” Yikes, my dudes! Frickin, YIKES! Ive heard everything from “spinning plates,” to the garbage that the Red Pill espouses. Allow me to explain a couple of things about this kind of advice and why you should avoid it at all cost: * Itwrecks your image of yourself. No one short of male models will live up to the standards that men think women want. Itwrecks your appreciation of the opposite sex. You can’t really love or respect women if you're going on forums and talking about how awful we are. You're lumping us in as a group and treating us like an alien race. Most of the advice you get is borderline abusive. If you have to lower a person's self- esteem to sleep with you, that’s setting the groundwork for an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship. Moreover, THAT HURTS WOMEN. This makes this advice incompatible with an actual loving relationship. Women are growing aware of these techniques, and are learning to dump men who use this stuff. Nobody wants to knowingly link up with an abuser or someone who clearly wants to use us.Open in app cases, this can make your dating life blossom faster than anything else. 3. If | was honest, I don’t think that most men know what they should expect or want in a relationship. So, I blame male-oriented dating advice sites for this as well as mainstream Hollywood. Let’s be honest. What we consume in media is what we tend to expect around us. Unfortunately, media tends to make men think that they all will get a modelesque woman with minimal effort. Or, in the case of the Hollywood rom-com, that women who ware not initially interested in them will love them if they're pursued aggressively enough. We live in a world where healthy relationships are not really noticed that often. Or even highlighted. Sure as hell, we don’t mention how much work it is to deal with even the nicest relationship. Guys are told they all deserve models, then are told off when they don’t pursue the average Jame. They're told to aggressively pursue, then get slapped with a lawsuit if they do. After getting all these mixed signals, it’s easy to see why many men end up throwing up their hands, exclaiming, “What am I doing wrong!?” 4. Many men feel like relationships are too much effort and cost too much money for them — and that is okay! Let’s be real. Dating, whether you're male or female, is expensive. It also means that you will face a lot of rejection. The thing is, rejection hurts. A lot. Even if you get used to rejection, it starts to take a toll on your psyche. Tam all for men who want to take a break from dating. If you feel like dating is hurting you rather than improving your life, you have every right to say “Enough is enough.” Sometimes, not caring about dating is actually what gives you the energy you need to attract others. Walking away is healthier than continuing your dating journey while you get increasingly resentful.Open in app While I could wax poetic about why preferring women with a lower body count doesn’t do men well, the real truth is that men tend to opt for women who they feel make them look good to other men. If this means that it’s a Kim K lookalike, they'll do it. Among my friends in the plus-size industry, it’s a common trope to hear about men who are married to conventionally pretty women who hit up plus-size stars to tell them that they're attracted to them. I’ve also heard a friend say, “Many men will ditch Kim Kardashian for a bag of peanuts if they felt it'd make them look better.” Here’s the problem: status does not equate to compatibility. If you’re lying to yourself about what you're into, you're going to have a bad relationship. Moreover, if you're chasing beauty, you're going to be very upset when those looks fade. There’s a reason why trophy wives divorce so frequently. A shocking amount of men don't take real chemistry or personality into account when they try to talk to women. This is about as good a foundation for a relationship as quicksand is for a house. 6. Some men got burned horribly and are just not willing to risk it again. As someone who has been in horribly abusive (almost lethal) relationships, 1 1000000 percent understand this. If you're a man and you're reading this, and a woman wrecked your life, let me say something. Your feelings are valid. I absolutely, positively encourage you to stay single for as long as you feel you should. Healing can take a lifetime, and it’s time we understand that to be true for men, too. You don’t need a relationship to validate you. Only you can validate you. 7. Sometimes, it’s just about not having a spark. True story. I have a guyfriend who is straight as an arrow, but never met someone that really made him go “WOW.” He’s holding out for his WOW. We can all respect that. 8. Some men are just not emotionally healthy enough to keep a relationship.Open in app @ women desire healthy men. Tve known many men who, for one reason or another, do not have high self-esteem. They blame women, lash out at women, and feel a need to consume women rather than be with them. None of that is healthy. And when you're emotionally unwell, the capacity for becoming abusive skyrockets. No one wants to be with an abuser. This is especially true when you're talking to healthy women. The moment most women see abuse is the moment they run. Even if they don’t run then, they'll usually leave later because everyone wakes up to the fact that being mistreated is not okay. Men like this often (but not always) stay single. Those who don't often end up being outed as abusers later. 9, Some guys just don't feel like they’re in a good place to be ina relationship. Ihave a lot to say about this, but that’s for a different article. It’s okay to work on yourself before you get into a relationship. Everyone has their own issues, and it’s best to have something to offer a potential partner aside from sex and companionship before you start dating. The more you have to offer, the more likely it is that you can find someone else who wants to help you build a life together. Like attracts like. It’s a natural law, or something. 10. Finally, sometimes, it’s just bad luck. True story. had a guyfriend who had a crush on a girl who worked at a pizza shop. He came to her work to ask her out, and got so nervous he closed her eyes while he was talking to her. When he opened his eyes, she was gone, and her 40-year-old, heavyset, male Italian manager was there instead. He put his hand on my friend’s shoulder, and explained that it’s “perfectly normal to be experimentative,” but that he doesn’t swing that way. The girl didn’t call the manager. The manager called her to mop up a spill in the back. She had no idea that he asked her out. My friend left the place with a free pizza, whichWwilat 114 sayiiig 19 Lud UAL UCR HappeHs WW ait UF Ud. GUMIEULLICS, UAL 198k C1agtst. Sometimes, we come off weird, or ask out the wrong person at the wrong time. It happens to the best of us. The most we can all do is enjoy the pizza along the way. Dating Advice For Men Singles Single Life Relationships. Psychology So cea