59449 Fall02_Body 04/28/2006 12:38 PM
DOMESTIC
VIOLENCE
Finding Courage
to Break Free
BY
I
am a long-time writer of other
people’s testimonies. When I was
serving on the faculty of a Chris-
tian Writers Conference in North
Carolina, a student named Kay came to
my room to share her stirring and
inspiring experience with me. And this
is her story.
Norm seemed like a nice guy when
we dated. He had a great sense of
humor, and we laughed a lot. We went
to church together, and he professed to
be a Christian. I had no way of
knowing how alcohol would plunge us
into an indescribable Hades!
We married when I was eighteen.
Norm was affectionate and attentive.
He taught a Sunday school class. But
he was possessive and had a tendency
to put me down at times.
Then Norm started drinking. As his
intake increased, what happiness we
had shared was shattered by violence. I
began wearing long sleeves to cover
the bruises on my arms. My husband’s
abuse caused three miscarriages.
One night I picked up Norm from a
tavern because he was drunk. Pregnant
again, I was terrified of what might
happen. Our son, Danny, had fallen
asleep on the couch. Awakened by his
father’s shouting when we came in, he
8 JCN/Volume 19, Number 4
Page 8
MURIEL LARSON
saw his father smash his fist into my
mouth. Danny shook with fear as his
father carried him to his room.
When Norm laid Danny in his bed,
our little son began saying his prayers.
Norm laughed at him. “There is no
God,” he declared contemptuously,
“and I don’t want you to pray any
more!”
Then Norm turned on me. “Don’t
you ever teach our kid to pray!” he
ordered. That hurt me more than my
bleeding mouth. When Danny prayed,
“Please God, take care of Mommy,”
Norm returned to beating me.
On another night Norm staggered
into our bedroom and jerked the full-
sized mattress right out from under me
and threw it across the room. I sat on
the box spring with my book still in
hand. As Norm came roaring at me, I
instinctively jumped, grabbed the lamp
and crashed it over his head. That
knocked him out and ended the violence
for the night.
That does it, I thought, as I looked at
his prone body. I’m tired of being bat-
tered physically and psychologically—
of having him kill my babies. I’m sick of
his infidelities with other women. I’m
leaving! Taking our little boy, I left.
Danny and I moved in with my parents.
One night Norm came to talk me
into coming back. He was drunk. I
refused, and he got violent. My father
called the police. When Norm began
threatening to kill my father, I had him
committed to a mental institution. I
realized he had mental problems and
was dangerous to my family.
I felt depressed and hopeless about
my situation. One evening when my
parents went to church, anger and self-
pity overwhelmed me. I filled the
bathtub with steaming hot water,
climbed in and then screamed with
pain. Hyperventilating, I slid under the
water. I wanted to drown. My unborn
baby, now eight months along, began
moving frantically. Pulling myself out
of that tub, I angrily declared, “No
devil is going to take my life or hurt
my baby!” And that was my turning
point.
Until then, I had forgotten how to
smile and hadn’t been able to pray.
Now, I could pray for the Lord’s help. I
knew he had saved my life and he
cared for me.
Then Norm was discharged from
the mental hospital. One Sunday
morning he broke into my parents’
home, his eyes glaring demonically.
With her soft, kind talk, Mother kept
59449 Fall02_Body 04/28/2006 12:38 PM
him from violence until the police
arrived. After several more violent
episodes, I finally sued for divorce.
Norm had a heart attack when he got
the papers—and later died of a subse-
quent attack.
That is part of a slow, painful
process in which God helped me to
forgive, heal and start anew.
I am now happily married to a good
Christian man. I took no chances this
time. After working through my own
issues, I prayed to the Lord for wisdom
and guidance and asked him for a good
husband. That’s exactly what God gave
me.
I now work as a nurse in psychiatric
hospital, counseling other women who
have been abused by their husbands.
I believe the Lord put me here so I
can share the lessons I learned through
my bitter experiences. I pray that he
will continue using the healing biblical
truths that released me from the pain
and resentful feelings that kept me
from being a whole woman. Here is a
sampling of the advice I give:
If a woman’s abusive situation is in
the past, I urge her to forgive her
Photo: Comstock
former husband. For good reason Jesus
taught, “Do not judge, and you will not
be judged; do not condemn, and you
Page 9
will not be condemned. Forgive, and God to heal you completely.”
you will be forgiven” (Lk 6:37). If another woman has been involved,
As long as you harbor anger, bitter- I tell the abused wife to forgive the
ness and resentment toward your other woman also. Forgiving others
husband,” I tell women, “you will be clears the air between a person and God
hurting yourself and your children, and and makes it possible for God to help
be unable to get on with your life in a and guide.
wholesome way. In your mind you will If a woman is still in an abusive situ-
stay an abused, defensive person with ation, I advise her to get herself and her
inferiority feelings. If possible, find a children out immediately. They are all
qualified counselor to help you work in danger. I don’t believe God wants a
through and release those harmful woman to stay in a violent environment.
thoughts and feelings. This will free Abused women need to learn to say no,
you to forgive your abuser and allow set boundaries and protect themselves.
How To Get Help
■ Most communities have a department of social services. Learn from them what help
is available to women and children in abusive situations. They provide information
about financial, practical and counseling aid available in your area, as well as of safe
houses or places of refuge. They may assist in finding another place to live, a job and
care for your children while you work. Your pastor also may also be able to give guid-
ance and practical help.
■ Share your problems with a dedicated, sympathetic friend or with your pastor,
Sunday school teacher, or a trained Christian counselor—someone who will let you
talk and will keep your conversations confidential. A trained counselor knows that, in
many instances, just listening is as helpful as giving advice. Often, when talking about
problems in depth, you are able to think them through. This, in turn, helps you gain
insights and direction.
■ Pray to the Lord and seek his help. In addition, pray with your confidant and ask
God to give you direction. He will guide you and supply your needs.
JCN/Fall 2002 9
59449 Fall02_Body 04/28/2006 12:38 PM Page 10

They need to learn that they deserve

to be treated with respect. Abuse does
not need to be tolerated. Furthermore,

Religion:
being exposed to violence heightens
the children’s odds of becoming
abusers themselves. After one occa-
sion when my husband abused me,
my little boy came over and twisted
my arm. When I asked him why he
was doing that, he answered, “Daddy
does it.”
I counsel women not to be hasty in
filing for divorce because crises and
major decisions do not blend well.
An Excuse for A
Divorce, too, should only be a last
resort, after all else fails. After
leaving an abusive mate, many
women are anxious to start dating,
but they’re not ready. First they need
to find their own identities, relearn to
smile and begin feeling human again.
They need to think of themselves as
someone who deserves to be treated
well. It is important to restore rela-
tionships with their families.
More importantly, they need to
seek God’s guidance; not only
regarding their future, but to see if
there was a deep-seated reason why
they were attracted to an abusive
partner in the first place. If such a
reason surfaces and they don’t face
and resolve it, they are likely to be BY C AROLYN H OLDERREAD HEGGEN
attracted to another abusive person
(he, too, can be charming at first).
Children of abused women have believe are related to the abuse of

I
n my early years as a therapist, I was
endured so much horror in their women.
surprised and saddened that many of
homes, but they need to know there I am not suggesting that any of these
the perpetrators of sexual abuse and
was love in the marriage at one time, beliefs alone necessarily causes abuse,
domestic violence I counseled professed

if there was. I realized that I had
robbed my children by not telling
them of the love their father and I had
once shared. This is something I now
pass on to other women. I am
thankful God saved me from myself
and that he is now using my life to
help other suffering women. ■JCN
■ Muriel Larson,
DRE, is a professional
writer and counselor.
She serves as e-mail
counselor to the reader-
ship of Campus
Crusade’s Christian
Women Today online site
and has a weekly column
in a Greenville, South
Carolina, newspaper.
She attends Fellowship
Bible Church.
to be Christians. I was particularly
confused by perpetrators who claimed
to see no conflict between their behavior
and their Christian beliefs. Some even
justified their behavior by citing their
Christian beliefs, biblical passages and
religious principles.
For several years I was baffled. How
could people who professed to be
devout Christians do such non-Christ-
like things to others? I began listening
more carefully when victims and perpe-
trators of abuse talked of their religious
beliefs and motivations. As I have
listened to people in my clinical practice
and interviewed hundreds of others for
various research projects, I have identi-
fied certain religious beliefs that I
From Women, Abuse and the Bible: How Scripture Can Be Used to Hurt or Heal, Catherine Clark Kroeger
but I believe they interact with other
factors to create an environment where
abuse may occur and where it is less
likely that women will effectively
defend themselves and their children.
What are some of these beliefs?
1. God Intends That Men
Dominate and Women Submit
The subordination of woman to man is
taught in many religious circles as
God’s divine plan for social relation-
ships. Many religious people interpret
the Genesis 2 creation account as estab-
lishing woman’s secondary and
subordinate nature to man because she
was created after and from him. They
maintain that this account establishes a

10 JCN/Volume 19, Number 4