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Alexis Jones

Professor Hellmers

English Composition II

8 December 2021

Love & Self-Sabotage

“There's things I wanna say to you, but I'll just let you live, like if you hold me without

hurting me, you'll be the first whoever did” Lana Del Rey sings in her song Cinamon Girl.

Loving someone is one of the most vulnerable circumstances an individual can experience. To

put your heart on the line and risk being betrayed or abandoned because you value the

relationship more than the possibility of being hurt is courageous. Many people have experienced

the heartache and grief that can come with romantic relationships. While factors can contribute

to romantic endings, a lot of issues are self-inflicted. Some people do not take risks in love and

instead practice sabotaging behaviors when they are in romantic scenarios. This research paper

intends to figure out the main reason some young adults sabotage their own partnerships.

To begin, the source titled “Why Are Undergraduate Emerging Adults Anxious and

Avoidant in Their Romantic Relationships? The Role of Family Relationships” is a

comprehensive study specifically about the topic of relationship sabotage. This study's purpose

was to determine the connection between one's upbringing and their attachment style in romantic

relationships. The participants were all located in Mediterranean countries, meaning it was

intended for a European audience. While this study has limitations, such as minimal participation

and location, it still contains valuable information about the topic at hand. It is reported that

“people with high attachment anxiety levels tend to overvalue relationships, clinging to them and
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fearing separation. On the other hand, those who score highly for avoidance minimize the

importance of relationships and fear involvement and commitment” (Diez, The Role of Family

Relationships).

Attachment styles are often overlooked when it comes to evaluating a relationships

stability. The three main attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant. While securely

attached individuals are comfortable with intimate relationships and trusting others, anxious and

avoidantly attached individuals tend to struggle with intimacy. Therefore, anxious, and avoidant

attachments are also labeled as insecure attachments. You can see the attachment scale, in the

visual from Psychology Today below.

Fig 1.

Furthermore, Peel and Caltabiano argue that defensiveness, lack of trust and insufficient

relationships skills are the core causes of sabotage in romantic relationships in the academic
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journal, “The relationship sabotage scale.” Along with Peele and Caltabiano, Psychology Today

completed their own articles on relationship sabotage. Both sources discuss how fear is a

common cause of negativity within romance. One's past traumas throughout childhood and

adolescence have an impact on how they view partnership and attach to others. The two main

insecure attachment styles discussed throughout the sources are avoidant and anxious. Both

attachment styles produce an increased negative outlook and unhealthy reactions to common

relationships difficulties. Anxiously attached individuals often experience extreme distress over

the idea of their partner abandoning them. This fear of abandonment results in them clinging to

their partner in the hope of them staying. Avoidant individuals on the other hand emotionally

distance themselves from their partner and often leave before the relationship becomes too

serious.

In the Michael Gondry movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the two main

characters, Clementine and Joel, are shown trying to deal with the trials and tribulations of

intimate relationships. Throughout the film, the audience is immersed in the rise and fall of these

characters' romance and how they both behave in certain ways to push the other away. While

Joel is an introverted and cautious individual, Clementine is impulsive and incredibly expressive.

This contrast is exciting for them at first, but their differences eventually affect them. Joel and

Clementine begin sabotaging the relationship in separate ways. Joels coldness and lack of

emotional intimacy throughout their relationship shows signs of an avoidant attachment style.

Clementine's need for constant reassurance and her tendency to jump from relationship to

relationship at full force shows signs of an insecure attachment style. These attachment styles are

shown to have developed from their childhood. The film explores the impact of childhood

trauma on how a person's character develops in adulthood through Joel. Joel struggled to receive
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adequate attention from his parents when he was child. The feeling of not being heard stuck with

him and that is part of the reason he struggled to be vulnerable. This is a perfect example of how

people can sabotage their relationships without realizing it. Though Eternal Sunshine of the

Spotless Mind has sad moments, the film has a hopeful ending. Even though the characters are

shown struggling to be with one another and to overcome their sabotaging tendencies, they

eventually open up to one another and decide to make an active effort to heal and have a secure

relationship.

Research proves that sabotaging behaviors in romantic relationships are often the result

of one or both partners adverse childhood experiences. Adverse Childhood Experiences or

(ACEs) are an issue throughout the world. Some of these experiences include sexual abuse,

exposure to alcoholism, domestic violence, and mental illness. Bringing awareness to childhood

trauma and how it can negatively impact one's adulthood is pertinent to social prosperity. A

healthy child receives adequate care from their family or guardians, meaning a home life without

neglect, abuse, and abandonment. It is difficult for an adolescent and then adult to be securely

attached when they have been exposed to adverse childhood experiences. One's childhood sets

the standard for how they view themselves and the outside world. When someone is raised in an

unstable environment, they often develop poor coping skills to adapt to their surroundings.

Humans are hard wired to fight or flight when they are in a fearful situation. Traumatic

experiences in one's childhood and adolescence often result in insecure attachment styles. When

an anxiously attached person is in fear of being hurt by a relationship, they will fight to maintain

the relationship by clinging to it, while an avoidantly attached person will fly in fear of the

relationship developing and them being hurt. It is difficult for individuals to trust others and
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maintain relationships when they do not grow up with proper role models and a stable

environment.

While relationship issues can stem from sabotaging behaviors, some relationships fall

apart due to other circumstances. Relationships can end from physical distance, financial issues,

conflicting goals, infidelity, and countless other scenarios. As seen in the infographic from Fast

Company below, 21% of men and 16% of women end relationships because of distance, and

36% of adults admit to breaking up with their partner solely because of physical appearance.

David McCandless and Lee Byron conducted their own research to find data on this topic. The

gathered data from the “United States Census, social media, and the annual Durex global sex

survey.” After gathering the data, they then organized and designed the infographic to simplify

their research. Though this source is not a scholarly source, and it is slightly outdated, it still

provides some insight on why adults relationships end.

Fig. 2
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Although these factors can have an impact on certain relationships, insecure attachment

styles that create sabotaging behaviors are often the hidden cause of relationship issues. The

concept of fear is prevalent throughout my research. Fear of intimacy, vulnerability and true

expression are the underlying effects of insecure attachments. It is difficult for some people to

open themselves up to their partners when they have experienced trauma. Certain circumstances

can make it more difficult to trust one another and truly be vulnerable. “Other studies have also

found that parental support, warmth and sensitivity are associated with a greater degree of

intimacy, more satisfactory relations, and a more mature attitude towards relationships” (Diez,

The Role of Family Relationships). A person who underwent a distressing experience often will

associate similar circumstances with that experience. The TedTalk, “Overcoming the Fear of

Love” by Trillion Smalls purpose was to discuss the power that trauma can have on romantic
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attachments. Human anatomy is designed to protect us for survival, and depending on individual

life experiences, protection can result in self- sabotage.

The sources previously discussed were created to provide insight into how certain events

can impact you in the future. Not only were these sources intended for research but also to help

the world population grow and figure out ways to develop positive romantic relationships.

Unhealthy habits can impact everyone, but childhood trauma and negative past relationships

often breed insecure attachments and self-sabotaging behaviors.

Overall, the world needs to prioritize children and ensure that they are all given the

proper tools to live a healthy life. Creating programs that provide both children and adults with

counselling to discuss their home life and what they deal with on daily basis would be incredibly

helpful. It is vital that we continue the conversation of childhood trauma and how it affects one's

adult life. While adverse experiences can have countless consequences, intimate romantic

relationships are one of the main concepts affected, but through proper therapy and the

development of healthy coping skills, young adults can become more securely attached

individuals and participate in loving romantic relationships.

Works Cited

Díez, Marta, et al. “Why Are Undergraduate Emerging Adults Anxious and Avoidant in Their

Romantic Relationships? The Role of Family Relationships.” PLoS ONE, vol. 14, no. 11,

12 Nov. 2019, p. e0224159. Gale In Context: Opposing Viewpoints,

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https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A605567751/OVIC?u=dayt30401&sid=bookmark-

OVIC&xid=bf4d4deb. Accessed 20 Nov. 2021.

Peel, Raquel, and Nerina Caltabiano. “The Relationship Sabotage Scale: An Evaluation of Factor

Analyses and Constructive Validity.” BMC Psychology, vol. 9, no. 1, 19 Sept. 2021, p.

NA. Gale In Context: Opposing Viewpoints,

https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A678028682/OVIC?u=dayt30401&sid=bookmark-

OVIC&xid=2fc077df. Accessed 20 Nov. 2021.

Rusnak, Kari. “Why Do People Self-Sabotage in Relationships?” Psychology Today, Sussex

Publishers, 5 Nov. 2021, https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/happy-healthy-

relationships/202111/why-do-people-self-sabotage-in-relationships. Accessed 20 Nov.

2021

Brandt, Andrea. “4 Ways a Traumatic Childhood Affects Adult Relationships.” Psychology

Today, Sussex Publishers, 17 Aug. 2017,

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/201708/4-ways-traumatic-

childhood-affects-adult-relationships. Accessed 20 Nov. 2021.

“Overcoming the Fear of Love.” YouTube, Tedx Talks, 5 Dec. 2018,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39Zcwc4lr08. Accessed 15 Nov. 2021.

“Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES): Health Impact of Aces in Ohio.” Health Policy

Institute of Ohio, 23 Aug. 2021, https://www.healthpolicyohio.org/adverse-childhood-

experiences-aces-health-impact-of-aces-in-ohio/. Accessed 8 Dec. 2021.

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Figure 1: Attachment Styles. Psychology Today, 1 Apr. 2021,

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/202104/how-change-your-

attachment-style-and-your-relationships. Accessed 8 Dec. 2021.

Gondry, Michel, director. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Produced by Anthony

Bregman, Steve Golin, 2004.

Figure 2: Breakup Statistics. Fast Company, 3 Jan. 2014,

https://www.fastcompany.com/3024299/infographic-this-is-how-your-relationship-will-

likely-end. Accessed 8 Dec. 2021.