How To Stop Your Divorce

HOW TO
STOP
YOUR
DIVORCE
How To
Stop Your
Divorce
ISBN 1-884350-86-0
© COPYRIGHT 2002-2003
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
STOP YOUR DIVORCE
ISBN
1-884350-86-0
© Copyright Alpha Publishing
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How To Stop Your Divorce 4
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction ..................................................................Page 6
Chapter 1 .................................................................... Page 12

The 13 most Common Relationship Repair Strategies That
Never Work
Chapter 2 ................................................................... Page 16

Don’t Get Defensive -- Agree!
Chapter 3 ................................................................... Page 22

The 80/20 Rules That Keeps Marriages on Track
Chapter 4 ................................................................... Page 28

A Powerful Relationship Strategy: Playing Hard to Get
Chapter 5 ................................................................... Page 33

Six Techniques That Will Make You Irresistible to Your Mate
Chapter 6 ................................................................... Page 46

The Path of Least Resistance
Chapter 7 ................................................................... Page 55

Stop Criticizing!
Chapter 8 ................................................................... Page 62

How to Break the Nagging Habit in 21 Days
Chapter 9 ................................................................... Page 69

Divorce Busting Strategies You Can Use Every Day
Chapter 10 ................................................................. Page107

Common Wrong Headed Excuses for Divorce
Chapter 11 ........................................................... Page 122

Use these 17 Simple Words to Stop Your Divorce
Chapter 12 ........................................................... Page 126

Stop Being Needy!
Chapter 13 ........................................................... Page 133

Two Magic Divorce Stopping Sentences
Chapter 14 ............................................................ Page138

Common Marriage Problems and How to Solve Them
Chapter 15 ............................................................Page 158

What She Found in the Baby Section That
Saved Her Marriage
Chapter 16 ............................................................Page 165

Does the Emperor Need New Clothes?
Chapter 17 ...........................................................Page 170

Three Movie That Hold the Key to Saving Your Marriage
Chapter 18 ...........................................................Page 181

No Marriage Can Survive Without Forgiveness
Chapter 19 ...........................................................Page 188

How a Radio Saved a Marriage
Chapter 20 ...........................................................Page 194

The Truth About Cats and Dogs
Chapter 21 ............................................................Page 201

Divorce: The Big Lie
Power Points Quick Glance .......................Page 215-226

0 INTRODUCTION
DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR... ?
After 20 years of marriage, and three children now grown up

and gone, Sarah and Bill Thompson could hardly believe there was
a time when they were madly in love and committed to each other -
- and committed to their marriage.
The heat and passion had disappeared years ago, just when
things cooled off neither of them could exactly remember. For years,
their relationship had been on cruise control. They weren’t espe-
cially happy, but they weren’t especially miserable either. But
somewhere along the line, all bedroom activity had ceased. Neither
Bill nor Sarah could remember the last time they made love, but it
had been many months, if not a year or more.
Even that, believe it or not, wasn’t all that bad until the other
problems started slowly creeping up. Bill rarely came directly home
from his job as a construction worker. Instead, he’d go to a bar with
his co-workers and buddies, and more often than not, his after-work
beer turned into an all evening jaunt. Bill would come stumbling
home at 1 or 2 in the morning, and go straight to bed with scarcely
a mumble of greeting for Sarah. Most of the time she wouldn’t have
been awake to hear it anyway. By that time she was fast asleep,
alone in their bed.

In the morning, they bickered.
Sarah: “Why do you have to stay out drinking with your friends
every other night while I stay home with nothing to do and nobody to
talk to?
Bill: “What do you mean? You’re always yakking with one of
your friends on the telephone, running up a $300-a-month phone
bill, or out shopping all the time, spending all the money I earn!”
Sarah: “If you were home I wouldn’t have to call people just to
hear another human voice! Since the kids left for college, I’ve got
nobody to interact with at all. Sometimes I have to get out of the
house, or I’d go crazy!”
Bill: “You say that, but when I do come home early, all you do
is bitch and gripe at me about every possible thing under the sun.
Why should I come home just to listen to put up with crap like that?
Why don’t you get a full-time job like mine if you have nothing to do.
Maybe then we wouldn’t be behind on all our payments all the time!”
Sarah: “How can I get a full-time job when you expect me to
cook and clean for you 24-hours a day. And I wouldn’t have to bitch
at you if you’d do the things your supposed to be doing without me
telling you or reminding you all the time!”
Bill: “Like what?”
Sarah: “Like you don’t know! When’s the last time you called
one of the kids to ask how they’re doing? If they didn’t make the
effort to call you, you wouldn’t even know they exist. The garage
door has been broken for a month, and you never do anything about
it. You never touch me, you never ask me to go anywhere, you don’t
even pay attention to me. You stare at the TV. I could just as well
be a stick of furniture for all you care...”
And it would usually go down hill from there.

Sarah had gained a lot of weight in the past couple of years.
She felt unattractive, which only made Bill see her as more and
more unattractive. Sarah used food as a substitute for sex and
closeness. Food was comfort to her -- if she couldn’t get it from Bill,
she stuffed her face, even when she wasn’t hungry. Bill drank more
and more. Sarah also constantly suspected him of having an affair
-- maybe he wasn’t just in the bar with his guy pals?
Money was also a constant problem. Bill made a good income
and Sarah worked part-time, but getting the kids through college had
kept them broke for almost 10 years. And then there was the mort-
gage, the car payments, Sarah’s binge spending and eating when
Bill was in the bar drinking.
Worst of all, neither of them could communicate about their
problems. They didn’t have the energy to sit down with each other
and discuss how to make things better. More and more, divorce
seemed to be the only way out of this marriage, which had become
a slow, daily nightmare.
Yet, deep down inside, and even though they were miserable
together, both Bill and Sarah carried the memories of their many
happy years together. The first 10 years of their marriage had been
a torrent of love -- both in and out of the bed. They had good kids
they both loved more than anything. They did things together as a
family. Bill and Sarah had survived a lot of hard times together, and
they always seemed to count on their love and marriage to pull them
through the tough time -- and it had always worked.
But now everything was different. It seemed an unfamiliar
world. They both seemed to be totally different people from the one
either of them married. Their marriage seemed terminally out of
energy. Neither Bill nor Sarah could work up the gumption to do
what they needed to do to rekindle their romance, to rediscover one
another, to get together and plan a budget, to make simple time to
be with each other, even to just do nothing -- but do it together.
At this point, even though a divorce would have been difficult,

it seemed infinitely easier than trying to save this malfunctioning
marriage.
Does all this sound familiar -- maybe not in every detail -- but
more or less where you find yourself today?
You are not alone.
In year 2001, almost two million people in the United States
divorced, 957,200 couples to be exact. There were 2,355,005 mar-
riages.
It wasn’t much better in 1999, when 944,317 couples divorced,
and 947,384 couples divorced in 1998.
This makes for a divorce rate of 43%, although the U.S.
Census bureau puts the divorce rate at 50% The difference is a
matter of statistical bickering, but it hardly matters. The fact that
about half of all marriages end in a divorce is a stunning and sober-
ing figure. At times, the divorce rate in the United States has topped
a whopping 60%!
It’s no wonder that more and more people are becoming cyni-
cal about the institution of marriage, with many couples opting for
“living together” rather than legally tying the knot.
This epidemic of divorce has also made it easier for more mar-
ried couples to choose the same easy way out, rather than stick with
partners and work things out. And that’s the real tragedy -- because
the vast majority of times -- divorce is not the answer.
DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER!

I started out with the example of a Bill and Sarah’s seemingly
hopeless marriage broken beyond repair -- but now the rest of the
story: Bill and Sarah are still married today! They’re happier than
ever. Their marriage is not only back on track, but thriving!
What once seemed hopeless and beyond repair is now very
much repaired. Now, instead of going through the agony of divorce,
of alienating the children, and facing a life of living alone and single
again as middle-aged adults, Bill and Sarah have started their mar-
riage over after 20 years. They truly believe that the next 20 years
will be better than the first. And the real kicker is -- Bill and Sarah
discovered that fixing their marriage wasn’t all that difficult! In fact,
they managed to resolve their problems in a period of only 10 days.
There was no long, drawn-out marriage counseling, no hard-bitten
compromises, no lawyers, no intervention by their children. They
revamped their marriage, solved their problems and went on like
they never happened.
How is this possible? They solved their problems because they
used just a couple of the strategies that you are going to read about
in this book. Fixing a bad or broken marriage is unbelievably easy
when you clear away the cobwebs that all the high-prices marriage
counselors, TV talks show hosts, divorce lawyers, preachers and all
the others have tangled around the subject of marriage.
The fact is, you have been taught to believe that fixing your
marriage is very difficult -- and those who have taught you are in the
business of making money from fixing bad marriages! Where would
divorce lawyers be without those millions of divorces and the fees
they generate? Where would marriage counselors be without their
$90 an hour counseling sessions to fix bad marriages? They get
paid by the hour, so where’s their motivation to tell you fixing your
marriage is easy? What about talk show hosts or newspaper colum-
nists, like Oprah, Ann Landers and many others? Just what would
they have to yak about for hours on end if bad marriages could be
solved with a few simple techniques?

But the very simple truth is this: You can fix your marriage, stop
your divorce, get your lover to come back to you -- and it’s not very
difficult. It’s a matter of basic common sense mixed in with a little
wisdom and clear headed thinking. And sometimes, it’s a matter of
doing just the opposite of what your lawyer, therapist or favorite talk
show host would suggest you do to fix your marriage
The bottom line is: NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR MAR-
RIAGE, THERE’S HOPE!
Never forget that. The many true life examples of repaired
marriages you’ll read about in this is proof that just about any mar-
riage can be solved, that just about any impending divorce can be
canceled, and that relationships that seemed to have died years ago
can be brought back to life.
And we’re not simply talking about preventing divorce. We’re
talking about a return to what is wonderful about great marriages --
true love, affection, togetherness, mutual support and problem solv-
ing, great sex, happy times and all that goes with it.
If you’re on the verge of divorce, if your spouse has asked you
for a divorce, or if you are considering a divorce -- why not wait until
you have read this book before you pick up the phone and call a
lawyer? Believe me, a lawyer will cost a heck of a lot more than
what you paid for this book! All we ask of you is the time it takes to
through these pages. If you don’t find your answers here, then it’s
up to you. I’m going to show you a better way out, and how to
achieve a better outcome -- keeping your marriage loving and alive
-- while avoiding the failure and agony of divorce.
So let’s get started!

1 CHAPTER 1
THE 13 MOST COMMON STRATEGIES THAT NEVER

WORK TO SAVE A RELATIONSHIP -- BUT PEOPLE NEVER
TRY TO STOP USING THEM!
I want to start out by briefly listing the 13 methods I see people

trying over and over again to fix their broken relationships, even
thought these methods never work. I’ll be discussing them more at
other places in this book, but for right now, let’s just look at these
Sad and Bad 13:
1. Playing the Saint -- Many times a person who is married to

a real loser will try to be as good and loving as possible hoping the
other person will magically change some day. They let the other
person walk all over them, and they just try to take it all with courage
and strength. This will never change the other person. Playing the
“saint” or victim never helps a marriage get better.
2. Tell Them You’ve Changed: Many people try to win their

mate back by telling them they have changed. “I don’t sleep around
anymore.” “I’m not a control freak anymore.” “I will now do my share
of the house work.” Forget it. This never works.
3. Saying I Love You: When your partner wants to leave you,

you tell them over and over again: “But I love you. I really love you!”
Sorry, but this is a bad strategy and won’t get your mate back.
4. Enlisting Support -- Many people in a failing marriage try

to get others on their side to help them stay married, but this only
makes things worse because the other person is only getting
ganged up on and they fight back.
5. I’ll kill myself -- Many people try to manipulate their mate

back with severe depression or even threats of suicide but this does
not work. It only makes the person seem like more of a loser and the
nobody wants to live with a depressed, suicidal loser.
6. The Power of Prayer -- I have nothing against religion or

praying but I have to honestly report I have never seen a partner
come back through the power of prayer, not once. Maybe the “Lord
works in mysterious ways,” but he doesn’t answer prayers involving
getting spouses back. When President Kennedy was shot in 1961
millions of people prayed that he would live, but he died anyway.
Prayer didn’t work that time either. Jesus said that whatever is
asked for in his name shall be granted, but millions asked in his
name to save Kennedy. He’s still dead. Maybe God wanted some-
thing else than what people wanted, and what they were praying
for?
7. Issuing Ultimatums -- Many people try the “stay with me or

else” approach but it’s about as effective as trying to melt a glacier
with a cigarette lighter.
8. Using the Children -- Children are used in all kinds of stay-

together ploys, from threatening the spouse with no visitations after
a divorce, or getting the kids to take their side, but this never pro-
duces the results the person expects.
9. Arguing -- You can try to argue your point and get your part-
ner to see your side of things, but this will only have the opposite
effect. I’ve never seen a marriage saved by a debate.
10. Having a Baby -- An amazing number of people think that

if they get pregnant or get their mate pregnant, they’ll be forced to
stay together. This doesn’t work even a little bit. It makes things 10
times worse.
11. Repackaging -- Some wives try new clothes or hair styles,

and men buy a new suit, but dressing for success and saving a mar-
riage are two different things. A person in a new dress or suit is the
same old product in a new wrapper.
12. Staging a Tragedy -- Some people will actually get in a car

accident or poison themselves as way to get major sympathy and to
lure the partner back. It’s drastic, but more importantly, it doesn’t
work.
13. Deep Communication and Honesty -- This sounds like a

classic remedy to fix a bad marriage, but it almost always leads to
more trouble. Many believe an estranged couple need to talk about
everything deeply and resolve differences. But generally, the more
people talk, the more they get lost into a tangle of issues that are
impossible to resolve.
So these are the major tactics millions of people try -- which is

why there are almost a million divorces per year. As we move along
in this book, we’ll find out just what DOES work, and much of the
time, you’ll be amazed that it’s just the opposite of what so many so-
called experts often recommend.
How can I be so sure I’m right? Whether I’m right or not is

besides the point. If you try the techniques you read about in this
book, the results will speak for themselves. If you really want to
save your relationship, you’re going to have to open your mind, for-
get all the programming you’ve been getting from the Oprahs, Ann
Landers and Dr. Phils of the world, and take a hard look at reality.
You also have to be brave enough to try methods that at first seem
risky or the opposite of what you want to do. It’s all up to you. I can’t
force you to do anything, think anything, or even believe me. I can
only show you what works. You’ll have to prove it to yourselves by
trying what works. If you really want to save your relationship, you
should be ready for the ideas presented in this book.
2 CHAPTER 2
DON’T GET DEFENSIVE -- AGREE!
Let’s say you do something that irritates your spouse, and he

or she jumps all over you for it. You get criticized, judged, and told
to knock it off or shape up.
What do you do? Of course, you snap to your own defense!
You tell your spouse that what you did was the right thing to do, and
that he or she should have the brains to realize it!
What happens next? Does your spouse immediately back off
and say, “Oh, I’m sorry I criticized you, honey. You’re absolutely
right!”
Not on this planet! If you think defending yourself, even when
you are convinced that you are right, is going to magically get your
spouse to back off or apologize, you are living in a dream world.
What is the final result that you really want to achieve when
your spouse criticizes you, or disagrees with you? You want to con-
vince them that they are wrong about you, and you want to change
their minds and actually start defending or agreeing with you, right?
How do you accomplish that? Well, first, we’ll tell you how you
DON’T accomplish that. You don’t get your spouse to come around
to your side by getting defensive and arguing back. No, you do just
the opposite. You agree! You agree with your spouse that you have
just acted like a lunk head, even if you don’t think you did!
Why? Because that way, you get what you want!
When you agree, and don’t defend yourself, the result will be
this: Your spouse’s criticism of you will be immediately diffused. You
will take all the energy out of his or her desire to criticize you. And
very often, they’ll switch gears and actually start defending you!
Let’s look at an example.
Dan and Lori attended a social gather, where Dan got in a heat-
ed discussion with his friend Bob about politics, always a dangerous
topic. The discussion got very rough, and Dan came down very
harshly on Bob. It almost became an ugly scene, until someone
finally changed the subject.
After the party was over, and when Dan and Lori were getting
into their car to leave, Lori says to Dan: “You know I hate it when
you get involved in talks about politics,. You shouldn’t have let Bob
drag you in, and you shouldn’t have lectured him like he was a child
just because he disagrees with you!”
Here we have the potential for yet another heated argument --
this one between Dan and his wife Lori. Dan has two options at this
point. He can defend himself, or he can agree with his wife. Let’s
look at how both Option One and Option Two are likely to play out.
Option One: Dan defends himself:
After Lori tells Dan she didn’t care for the way he acted at the
party, he says:
“What? Why shouldn’t I stand up for what I believe in? That
Bob is such an idiot and you know it! I enjoyed telling him off, and
you should have too!”
Lori says: “Yes, but you embarrassed me and a lot of other peo-
ple. What it have killed you to just drop the subject and talked about
something else so that everyone could have had a nice time?”

Dan fires back: “Oh, so I embarrassed you? You know, Lori,
not everything is about you all the time. So now you’re saying I have
to let a big windbag like Bob go on and on with his stupid ideas, just
to make you feel good?
Lori, starting to get very upset: “Not everything is about me! I’m
not saying that! I was only concerned for everyone at the party. We
went there to have a good time, but your arrogant attitude made
everyone uncomfortable. Since when do you care about me any-
way?”
Dan, shoots back: “I’m arrogant! What about Bob? And if you
think I’m arrogant, at least I’m not a spineless people pleaser like
you! I’d care about you a lot more if you wouldn’t find things to crit-
icize me all the time, and if you’d speak up once and a while and tell
some fool like Bob to stop running all over me. I don’t think you care
much about me either!”
The conversation ends up with either Lori breaking into tears,
or clamming up cold and silent as an iceberg! For the rest of the
night, she doesn’t say a word to Dan, and definitely won’t let him get
near her in bed later! As for Dan, no man suffers more than when
his wife gives him the cold, silent treatment. He also can’t under-
stand why she isn’t interested in “make-up” sex. Both go to bed
unhappy, and fuming. They don’t come near each other in bed.
You see, that’s what happens when a person opts to defend

him or herself first, and let the chips fall where they may later. But
now let’s look at, Option Two:
Again, Dan and Lori are getting into the car after Dan’s heated
discussion with Bob, and Lori tells Dan he shouldn’t have let it hap-
pen.
Dan says: “You know, you’re probably right. I was stupid to
think I could change Bob’s mind about his political beliefs. It’s never
worked before. I’m sorry, honey.”

Lori shrugs and say: “Well, that Bob really is a big windbag. I
can see why he might get under your skin.”
Dan says: “Yeah, he really does. But I’m the one who took the
bait. I should have just let it go. I wish I was as patient as you, but I
guess I’m not.”
Lori says: “Oh come on, Dan! You’re a very patient person. In
fact, you held off a lot longer than most people would after listening
to all Bob’s silly ideas!”
Dan: “Yeah, yeah. You just stick up for me because you’re my
wife. That’s why you’re so sweet, and that’s why I married you.”
Lori, glowing now and moving closer to Dan: “Really? I
thought you married me for the great sex!”
They both giggle. Later, when they get home, it’s going to be
a wild time in bed!
Notice that by not defending himself, Dan actually got his wife
to start doing it for him! He didn’t have to twist her arm or beg or
plead with her -- his willingness to back down and adopt an agree-
able tone with his wife cut short the fuse on what could have been a
bad argument.
Many people find it just to difficult to stop themselves and agree
when they are being criticized. It’s an almost natural reaction to
immediately get defensive, especially when the remarks are bla-
tantly unfair. When a person defends himself or herself, that person
thinks they are going to get what they want -- to convince the other
person that they were wrong to criticize them. But they get exactly
the opposite. They incite and argument, and even more criticism
comes down on them!
You have to think smart. You have to know what is going to get
you what you want. You want your spouse to agree with you, and
even leap to your defense. You can make that happen as simply as
pie -- by not defending yourself an agreeing, no matter how much it
hurts at first. Before you know it, however, you’re going to be feeling
a lot better because your spouse is going to be working hard to
defend you.
Men especially tend to favor a defensive posture when they
feel they are being attacked by their wives. They think backing down
is weak. They don’t want to appear spineless and wimpy. But it actu-
ally takes much more strength to agree when you don’t want to.
Doing so is a sign of maturity, an aspect of mature love.
But many women are just as guilty of being too defensive. It’s
difficult for any human being to back down, especially after someone
jumps down your throat. But this book is about fixing marriages and
avoiding divorce. Nothing is life worth having comes without at least
some effort and compromise.
And think about this: Absolutely no one is all right, or all wrong
at any time. Even when someone says something you think is total-
ly wrong, that’s probably not the case. Even a person way off the
mark may be 30%, 20% or maybe just 10% correct. We all have to
recognize this. It’s a much easier way of life to look at what a per-
son says and find common ground than go up against them by
attacking or disagreeing with them. This is even more true in a mar-
riage.
Just remember, this is about winning. Do you want to win when

disagreements arise? Then stop being defensive. Don’t argue.
Agree instead. When you do that, you’ll win because the other per-
son will be automatically forced to start taking your side and see
your way of thinking.
Being defensive, even when you are 100% sure you are right,
is the wrong approach, and yes, even a stupid approach. It means
you lose. Just about every time.
So try agreeing the next time you find yourself being criticized
or attacked. You’ll both win, and your marriage will stay on the right
track, the non-divorce track, the happy track.
DIVORCE BUSTING POWER POINTS
• It’s simple: Always agree and you’ll have few problems.
• The best defense is not to defend.
• If you find it hard to agree, just remember - you’ll get what you
want.
3 CHAPTER 3
THE 80/20 RULE AND HOW IT CAN KEEP YOUR RELA-

TIONSHIP ON PERFECT TRACK ALL THE TIME
You know, I hate to beat up on so many media favorites, like

Oprah Winfrey, Ann Landers, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dr. Phil, and all
these other so-called relationship gurus, but when they give so
much bad advice, I just can’t help myself.
How many times have you heard this on TV, or read it in an
advice column of some women’s magazine: “Honest communica-
tion is vital to maintaining a solid relationship.” Unless you have
been living in a cave, you have heard this dozens of times. It sounds
nice, except for one problem. It’s mostly a bunch of bologna!
How can I say this? How can any marriage get along well with-
out honest communication? Well, I agree that all married couples
need to communicate, but for one thing, the weight and importance
that is put on communication is vastly overrated. But more specifi-
cally, the value of “honest communication” is where most real prob-
lems in a relationship come from.
How can this be? Just think about it. If you were 100 percent
honest with all the people in your life every day -- and not just with
your spouse -- you get into more trouble than you could ever imag-
ine. For example, let’s say your best friend gets a new haircut, or
new hair style, and you think it makes them look like a total idiot. It’s
the worst haircut you’ve seen. What do you say? “Hey Margaret, I
hate to tell you this, but that hair style is horrible! You look like a
zombie!” Is your friend Margaret going to be happy with you? I don’t
think so! Her feelings are going to be crushed. Even if you are cor-
rect and everyone else agrees with you about how bad her new hair
is, it would be a very bad idea for you to tell her the truth. No, even
if you hate her new hair style, you say: “Well, that’s certainly a new
look for you! Very interesting. How do you like it?” This way, you
don’t step on Margaret’s self esteem, and make her resent you.
If you always told the solid truth to all your friends, you’d soon
have no friends left! The same goes for your partner. Way more
often than not, you have to tell little white lies, simply for the sake of
preserving the peace and value of your relationship.
Let’s say that you have just had sex, and you didn’t really have
a very good time. For some reason, you just weren’t in the mood,
but you did it anyway to satisfy your spouse. All married couples do
that from time to time. Now what if the husband asks that universal
question that men always seem to ask after sex: “How was it for you,
honey?” If you are honest, you will say: “Well, it really didn’t do
much for me. I just couldn’t get into it.” How will your husband feel?
If he’s like most men, his fragile ego will take a major blow. Most
men have an intense need to believe they are the best sex partner
since Adam. If you crush that belief, he is not going to be very will-
ing to have sex with you the next time. He may even blame you for
the fact that you had no orgasm. The man might say: “You’re prob-
lem is that you’re sexually cold.” Now you have taken a hit, and nei-
ther of you feel good about having sex. But if you backed off from
a policy of total honesty, you might say: “It was just right, honey. I
hope you enjoyed it.” The man will get the ego stroke he needs, and
there will be no problems.
Some people may counter this argument and say: “But wait a
minute. If the woman lies about whether the sex was good or not,
won’t she ever get her needs met? If she does not tell the man what
she needs and likes in bed, her sex life will always be unsatisfying.”
There is some truth to this. That’s why I call this the 80/20
rules. I’m not suggesting you be totally dishonest 100 percent of the
time, but more like 80 percent of the time. The other 20 percent of
the time, you can talk frankly and honestly about your true thoughts
and feelings. It’s better to tell your mate what you like him to do in
bed for you to get maximum enjoyment before, or during sex, rather
than waiting until it’s all done, and then issuing a poor report card.
Also, you don’t talk about what you need in terms of how your
spouse failed to deliver it. You talk about it at other times, like before
or during sex. Even if your husband fails to get it right even after you
tell him what works best for you, it’s a better idea to talk about what
you did enjoy, rather than what you didn’t. There’s always some
aspect of sex that is pleasant, even when it does not satisfy you 100
percent. Concentrate of the good and tell him what was good, and
he’ll do more of that, and eventually, you’ll be getting what you need
in the bedroom.
A lot of people get hung up on the idea of truth versus honesty
on moral and religious grounds. After all, they say, isn’t the policy on
lying one of the Ten Commandments: “Thou Shalt Not Lie?” Yes,
that’s true, but let’s just talk about this for a minute. Let me give you
an example:
What if you were a person in Nazi Germany, and you were hid-
ing a couple of Jewish people in your attic to save them from being
killed by the Nazis? The Gestapo soldiers come to your door look-
ing for the Jews you are hiding, and they ask you: “Are you hiding
any Jews in your house?” What do you say? If you decide not to
lie, you would have to say: “Yes, we have a couple of Jews in hiding
in the attic.” The Nazi troopers would march up there, haul them out,
and send them off to their deaths -- and you would have helped
them do it. Did you do a good thing by maintain a policy of 100 per-
cent honesty? Well, ask those two poor people who were dragged
off to their deaths!
The fact is, life is complex. Now I have absolutely nothing
against the Ten Commandments or the Christian religion, or any
other religion. But when you get down to brass tacks, obeying the
10 Commandments is very tricky. What about: “Thou Shalt Not
Kill?” Does that mean the United States should not have hunted
down the terrorists that bombed the World Trade Center in New
York? Does that mean that we should never defend ourselves by
killing people in wars to protect our own homeland and security?
Most would agree that the answer is no. If you obeyed the Thou
Shalt Not Kill rule to the letter, other wicked people would kill you
whenever they wanted to because they would know you would
never defend yourself.
This is just simple reality.

In addition to dancing around the truth when necessary 80 per-
cent of the time, when you are being totally honest the other 20 per-
cent of the time, you should tread very carefully. Sometimes hon-
esty is the only way to hammer out a tough issue, but that does not
mean you have to be as brutally honest as you can to make your
point.
What if your spouse makes a dish for dinner that you don’t care
for? You never want to eat this recipe gone bad before, so you
decide to be totally honest. That’s fine, but choose your words care-
fully. Say something like: “You know, like you, I thought this would
be a really good dish, but for some reason, I just didn’t care for it.
But that’s just me. I like the so-and-so you made last time a lot bet-
ter.”
Notice the technique in this statement. It starts out with the

negative -- you telling your spouse you didn’t like the dish. But then
it ends with a compliment. Why is this important? Because studies
show that when people listen, they tend to remember the second
and final statement you made over the first thing you said. This way,
you end on a good note, and that latter kind statement is the one that
leaves the impression. Yes, sometimes you need to be frank and
honest when you don’t like something, but you should always cush-
ion the blow by thinking of something positive to tack on the end of
your statement so that your spouse can grab onto it, rather than get
defensive and angry about your more critical comment.
Okay, now what about this: Let’s say you are doing something
very wrong, such as having an affair, or maybe you ran up a couple
of thousand dollars on the credit card. Your spouse confronts you.
He or she might ask: “Are you having an affair?”
Is it good idea to lie in this situation, just to keep your spouse

from the bad news about your own deviant behavior? No, this is
where the 20 percent honesty rule kicks in. If you lie about some-
thing like and affair, you’re only going to make the situation worse.
Sooner or later, your spouse will catch on to the fact that you are
lying, and then you’ll have one hell of a problem. In addition to your
original slip, you are tacking on a lie on top of it. This can only be a
bad thing. Many people might think this way: “Well, I slept with
another person, but it only happened once, and I know I’ll never do
it again. It’s best I lie about it if my spouse ever suspects me. If I tell
the truth, my marriage would be over.”
This is a tough call. It all depends on the situation. If the per-
son is totally sincere about his or her slip being a one-time thing,
then keeping it a secret may not be all that bad. But if you ever get
caught in your lie, you’re going to have a horrible problem. You’ll
lose the trust of your mate, and it will take a lot of work to get it back,
and rebuild that trust. But telling the truth may be quite a blow, too.
Of course, the best case scenario is to never put yourself in such a
position in the first place -- but because we are human beings,
because life is complex, because we are all flawed, we’re going to
screw up badly once and a while. In these cases, total honesty is
the safest choice, even when the truth will hurt very badly.
As a general rule, remember the 80/20 ratio. That means

telling you spouse what they want to hear 80 percent of the time,
and telling them the unvarnished truth about 20 percent of the time.
Twenty percent of total, brutal honesty is about all the reality most
human beings can handle on a daily basis. Save the 20 percent of
total honesty for those situation when nothing but the truth will do.
Follow this rule, and your marriage will run along a lot more smooth-
ly -- I guarantee it.
• Kindness is more important than honesty.
• Tell little white lies when doing so avoids trouble.
• 80% kindness and 20% honesty is the key.
• Never lie about the big stuff.

4 CHAPTER 4
A POWERFUL RELATIONSHIP STRATEGY -- PLAYING

HARD TO GET
Let’s say a single man is interested in a single woman, and the

woman knows he’s interested. Let’s say this woman is also interest-
ed in this man and would love to go out on a date with him. So what
does she do when he approaches her and tries to get friendly? Of
course, she acts cool and plays hard to get. He asks her out for a
date, and she turns him down, although she might make friendly
conversation. She doesn’t reject him totally because she doesn’t
really want to. Thus, the man realizes she’s not totally disinterested,
so a week later, he asks her out again. This time she may say yes,
but she may also reject him again. Will this make him lose interest?
Not likely. He probably try at least a couple more times before she
finally says yes.
On the other hand, if the man tries too hard, she may lose inter-
est. She may see him as too desperate to find a mate, and get
turned off. She may even lose respect for him, and start mocking
him. That’s what Josephine did to Napoleon, even though he was
one of the most powerful military men in France at the time.
Napoleon wrote Josephine gushy, slobbering love letters, spilling out

his total love and devotion to her, even before she had accepted a
single date with him. Josephine mocked Napoleon and humiliated
him by showing his letters to her friends at parties, including her
other male friends. She told other people that she thought Napoleon
was pathetic, short, and acted like a love-sick little boy.
Of course, we all know what happened. Josephine eventually

married Napoleon. Much later, when Napoleon turned the tables
and decided to dump Josephine, she screamed out in agony and all
but killed herself. She literally got down on her knees and begged
Napoleon not to divorce her, but he did anyway. Now that she was
the one gushing for his love and attention, he had lost interest.
The Napoleon and Josephine story is one of the greatest love

stories of all time and it has so many familiar elements. We have all
played a similar game -- the game of hard to get -- but have you ever
thought about why we do play it this way?
Well, the fact is, we human beings are fascinated with what we
don’t have. The more we think we can’t have something, the more
we crave it and want it. When a man or a woman seems unattain-
able to us, we start getting obsessed with that person. The more the
person brushes us off, the harder we try to get them to change their
minds.
After two people get married, the dynamics of this situation

change somewhat, but the basic game is still in play. When a wife
becomes totally devoted to her husband, he somehow starts losing
interest in her. There’s no challenge anymore. There’s no excite-
ment of the chase, and of trying to get what you don’t have.
Many times women whose husbands are threatening to divorce

them, or who have grown cool or disinterested in them, seek out a
counselor and say: “I can’t understand him. I do everything for him.
I tell him I love him completely. I’ll do anything for him. But it seems
like the more love I give to him, the more he slips away! What more
can I possibly do!”
Are you starting to understand what her problem is? The fact
is, by flooding her husband with constant love and affection, she is
actually putting a lot of pressure on him. She is subconsciously
challenging him to be as loving as she is. If he can’t make the grade,
he starts feeling trapped. Rather than becoming more loving and
more willing to return her love, he starts trying to escape the con-
stant pressure of being as good at the loving game as she is.
Eventually, the woman may go full circle. When the man fails
to be as loving and giving as she herself is, and thinks he should be,
she starts berating him and making him feel guilty. She constantly
reminds him of how devoted she is, and criticizes him for not being
as capable of giving as she is. Of course, this only makes things
worse. The man starts to feel guilty, or he starts resenting her. He
starts believing that no matter what he does, he could never match
her level of devotion, so he just stops trying. Instead, he starts plan-
ning his escape from this suffocating relationship.
The woman gets a kind of payoff from this also. She is busy
stroking her own ego by telling herself: “I’ve been a perfect wife. I’ve
given my total heart and soul to this man, but he just can’t appreci-
ate what a good woman I am. Maybe I deserve somebody better,
somebody who can accept the amount of love I need to give.”
Even if she does find another man who seems able to soak up
like a sponge all the love she can dish out, that man is most likely
going to get a belly full sooner or later, and he’ll start looking for the
escape hatch as well. If this happens with a second or third man, the
woman may become a man hater. She’ll start using that phrase so
many women utter all the time: “All men are scum.” But this is even
more ego stroking. By saying that men are scum, they’re also say-
ing that women are not, and are therefor superior. Because the
woman has had her love rejected more than once, she concludes
that women are just superior at loving than are men. The woman
may not even know this consciously, but other men will be able to
spot her superior attitude from a mile away -- and stay a mile away,
too!
The problem is, a woman who loves too much has long since
stopped playing hard to get -- which is how she captured her man in
the first place! If playing hard to get works at the beginning of a rela-
tionship, why won’t it work in the middle of a relationship, or near the
end of a relationship? The simple truth is, there is no reason why it
won’t work. By being too giving, too loving, too hungry for more and
more attention, a person only pushes the other person farther away.
The spouse may even lose respect for the other, or at least, wants
to pull away to escape from all the pressure of constantly having to
outdo the mate in the “who loves who more” game.
If this is your situation, it’s clear what you must do, or more
accurately, what you must stop doing. If loving too much isn’t work-
ing, then stop doing it. Try the opposite. Become more independent.
Start spending more time with your other friends, or in extreme situ-
ations, as when you are separated, start dating other people.
Believe it, when the man starts seeing that other men are inter-
ested in you, and that he no longer can expect automatic love no
matter what, he’s going to get off his can and start doing something
about it! Maybe it’s time to go back to what worked when he was
actively chasing you -- play hard to get!
When you do this, you reverse the whole power dynamic of the
relationship. By positioning yourself as something that is rare, and
something which does not come easily, you incite the interest of the
other person all the more. You become a challenge -- a positive
challenge -- somebody worth having because it takes some work to
get you.
Finally, mix a little common sense in when you try this strategy.
Play hard to get, but not impossible to get! Remember not to tramp
on your spouses self esteem. Remember your goal -- to fix your
marriage, stop your divorce and get things back on track. Always
remember to reward your mate when they do or act in the way you
want them to act by doing something nice for them in return. People
who are rewarded for an action will repeat that action.
• When you love too much, you are pressuring your spouse,
and they’ll want to escape.
• Play hard to get. It works for dating people, and it will work
for married people.
• People always want what they can’t have. If you want your
spouse to want you, make it harder for them to have you.
5 CHAPTER 5
TRY THESE SIX TECHNIQUES AND YOUR PARTNER WILL

NOT BE ABLE TO RESIST YOU -- AND NEITHER WILL YOUR
FRIENDS, CHILDREN, CO-WORKERS -- OR ANYONE ELSE!
In this important chapter, I am going to outline a six point plan

that will not only make your current partner love you a lot more, but
can easily make a partner who has separated or divorced you come
back, and come back happy. Not only that, these six techniques will
help you captivate anyone. They’re that powerful and universal. I
won’t beat around the bush, I’ll just get started with Point 1:
1. It’s Not “I” It’s You!
What word is used most often when a husband and a wife talk
to each other? In a study of husband’s and wife’s undergoing mar-
riage counseling, researchers examined the transcripts of more than
500 sessions between a couple in therapy. They ran all the words
through a computer and easily came up with the most used word.
That word is “I”. By far, people used the word “I” to refer to them-
selves. But now here’s something more interesting. The worse the
relationship, and the more problems a couple were trying to work
out, the greater the number of times the word “I” was said by each
member of the couple.
The fact that couples with martial problems made heavy use of
the word “I” is no surprise to me. it points up the simple fact that
these people are more concerned with themselves and their needs,
rather than the needs of their spouse. The more the person used
the word “I” the more self centered they tended to be, and the worse
their marriage tended to be.
The best marriages are between two people who naturally take
the focus on themselves, and put the focus on their spouse, and do
so in a positive way. When a husband or wife stops putting his or her
needs and wants first, and focus on their spouse’s wants and needs,
everything falls into place.
But this doesn’t work if only one person is doing it. If one is a
constant giver, and the other a constant taker, the relationship is
thrown out of balance. Resentment builds up in the giver, and the
taker isn’t happy either because the giving starts coming along with
something extra -- nagging, resentment, and not-so-subtle
reminders of how much they are getting in return for nothing.
The key, however, is for you to not be self-centered, but rather,

make your spouse the center. The vast majority of the time, when
you take the focus off the “I” and on the “you” the other person nat-
urally falls into alignment, and does not become a mere taker, but a
giver as well.
To be generally interested in other people is one of the biggest

secrets of the richest and most successful people of all time, and
this has always been so. In ancient times, the Roman poet Publilius
Syrus said: “We are interested in others when they are interested in
us.” In modern times, Dale Carnegie, the man who became a mil-
lionaire by helping other people feel good about themselves primary
rule was: “Be genuinely interested in other people.”
And I would say: “Get generally interested in your spouse.”

That means being more than interested in them sexually, or in what
they can bring to the marriage. Forget all that. Get interested in
what they are interested in -- their jobs, their favorite hobbies, how
they feel about politics, and such. You don’t have to agree with their
politics to take an interest in their point of view. When you take an
interest -- and I mean a genuine interest -- in your spouse’s life, they
are going to absolutely love you to death. They won’t be able not to!
The same goes for anyone else you encounter in your life, no mat-
ter how big or small, no matter how unimportant or important.
I think it’s interesting that in the business world, the best adver-
tising and marketing focuses on the needs of the customer.
Business multi-millionaire Ken Varga who wrote the popular book,
“How to Get Customers to Call, Buy and Beg for More” once told me:
“The biggest mistake most sellers make is to compose me-oriented
advertising. They create ads that have pictures of themselves, their
building, their staff -- and they spend a lot of time bragging about
how good their product is. But customers don’t care about who you
are or even how good your product is. They only want to know one
thing: ‘What’s in it for me? How will this product help me, or make
my life better.’ If you focus on answering the customer’s needs and
desires, you’ll make a million sales fast. That’s the only way to do
business.”
Mr. Varga is right when it comes to business, and he would be

right when it comes to a happy marriage, too. Keep the focus off
the “I” and on your partner. You’ll have a happy marriage, and you
can make your estranged partner come back by showing that you
genuinely care about them, and their needs.
2. Always Keep Your Voice Soothing
I think the tone of your voice is as important, and sometimes

even more important, than what you say. Human beings key in on
voice tones subconsciously and make judgments on the person who
is using the voice. If your voice is filled with stress, or anger, or god
forbid, sounds whiney, you are never going to win your spouse back,
and you’ll give reason for your current spouse to want to stay away
from you. A golden voice helped a man like Frank Sinatra to be
beloved by millions of people for decades, even though he was noto-
rious in his person life for being a cold, arrogant, domineering jerk.
Sinatra’s fans easily look beyond his abrasive personality and wor-
shiped purely for his voice. The same was true of Bing Crosby. Up
until recently, his “White Christmas” was the best selling record of all
time, and held the title up until the death of Princess Diana in 1997.
After that Elton John’s tribute to Diana, “Candle in the Wind,”
became the all-time best seller. But like Sinatra, Crosby was known
to be, well, let’s just say, not a very nice person. Another prime
example is Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones. He has a hard-edged
voice, but it’s still very interesting and pleasant to listen to, and thus,
he’s a super star. But everyone knows that Jagger is a major creep
in his personal life, at least much of the time.
It is also a commonly observed phenomenon that when one

person raises his voice, the other person automatically does so as
well. This is how many arguments get out of control. Even when
people don’t intend to get into an argument, they get tricked by the
old automatic voice volume match phenomenon. It’s a natural
human tendency to match the tone of voice of the person you are
talking to. If you keep control of your voice and make it soothing and
pleasant, the person you’re talking to is going to naturally feel
soothed and pleasant as well. They may not know why they enjoy
speaking to you so much, but the tone of voice has a lot to do with
it.
Just always remember -- control the tone of your voice, and

people will like you if they like what they hear. If you want to stay out
of arguments with your spouse, or anyone else, never fall into the
trap of letting your voice get as loud as the other. Even when the
other person starts yelling, keep your voice calm, and they will be
magically “forced” to match your tone. It’s next to impossible for
human beings not to do this. Controlling the tone of your voice will
keep your arguments with your spouse to a minimum, and may elim-
inate them altogether, and the couple that does not argue together,
stays together.
3. Listening
I can’t tell you how many marriages failed for simple lack of
ability for people to listen to each other, but I guarantee you it is in
the millions.
Listening is such an important topic that they teach it at Harvard

Business School. No one can truly ever become rich and success-
ful in business if they don’t know how to listen, Harvard says. And I
say, “No one can have a successful marriage if they don’t know how
to listen to their spouse.”
In his book, Passion, Profits and Power, self help guru Marshall
Sylver says: “Communication is one part speaking and two parts lis-
tening. That’s why we have one mouth and two ears.”
Sylver also says: “Effective listening means you listen without

interruption, with genuine interest, and without owning what the
other person is saying.”
He’s right with both statements. Think about a person you

know who is a lousy listener. We all know at least one. I can bet
you have a negative opinion of that person, even if that person is
your friend. It’s amazing how some people talk and only hear them-
selves. They talk over you, interrupt you, and when you do get a
word in, they barely grunt a response and go on with their own blath-
ering comments. Since we all hate people like that, why would you
want to be a person like that, and why would your spouse want to be
married to a person like that?
We all know that classic scene of a husband with his newspa-

per buried in his face, and only grunting now and then as she tried
to speak with him. It seems a small thing, but it’s classic nonlisten-
ing and the result can be devastating. People who are not listened
to are turned off fast, and they get turned off about everything. No -
- put down the paper and listen to what your spouse is saying. To
make it clear to them that you have heard them, repeat back to them
what they said in your own words. Again, the power of of this can-
not be underestimated. A person who is listened to, and knows they
are being listened to, feels like the most honored and important per-
son in the world.
Because most people spend all day in a world of nonlistener --

most people don’t listen; it’s like an epidemic -- so when they come
home and their spouse will take a few minutes to listen to them, it’s
the most wonderful feeling imaginable.
Listening to other people is also the simple key that will get
dozens of people to like you and value you outside your marriage.
When other people like you, your spouse naturally likes you better,
too. So practice listening. Just do it and your marriage will stay on
track. If you are in the middle of a divorce, stop talking and just
spend all your time listening, nodding and agreeing. Your divorce will
suddenly not seem like such a good idea to your estranged partner
-- nobody wants to leave a person who is a good listener.
4. The Game of Yes
Here’s a simple technique that can easily stop your divorce, or

turn a marriage full of bickering and arguing into a marriage full of

agreement and pleasant conversation. All you have to do is play a
kind of game with your spouse, and the game is getting to see how
many times you can make your spouse say “yes.” You also have
another goal in this game: See how often you can prevent your part-
ner from saying “no.”
To play the game well, you will need to use a simple strategy.
It’s this: When you are talking to your partner, or when you find your-
self getting into an argument, start asking a series of questions for
which the only answer can be “yes.” Then keep the questions com-
ing, each time with the goal of getting the other person to say yes.
For example, let’s say your spouse is harping on you because

you never help around with the domestic chores, like washing dish-
es, doing the laundry, cleaning up around the house. Your natural
reaction might be to defend yourself and say something like: “I’m
totally worn out from my job and having to earn money all day. I don’t
think I should have to do house work when I come home!” Your
spouse will react to your defense with another attack. She might say:
“Well, is that why you married me? To have a maid?” And so on.
This is going to get neither of you nowhere, except down the road of
more arguing.
Rather, get your spouse to say yes with some well placed ques-
tions. When you get attacked about being a poor house helper, ask
this: “So, you really think I’m not doing my share of the house
work?” Of course, she has to answer “yes!” Now you already have
her off the defensive, and she’s saying yes to you. That’s a lot bet-
ter than no, or a defensive statement. Now you need another “yes”
question. So you ask, “I suppose you’re starting to feel like a real
slave around here, right?” And she, of course, answers “yes.” Then
you ask: “It’s amazing how many little jobs there are to do around
the house, isn’t there?” She says, “Yes, there sure is!” Then you
say: “I feel like that too at work all day. I feel like a slave that has an
endless amount of task to do. I suppose you feel like that, too?” And
she says “yes.” Then you say, “Do you mind if I rest a little first and
we talk about the house work later?” By now, she has been saying
yes so many times, the chances are she is going to say “yes” again.
It’s very difficult not to. So now you both get to cool of and relax a
little. You ask her, “Do you want to sit down and watch this TV pro-
gram with me?” She says, “yes.” By now, the house work squabble
has lost it’s energy and you can both discuss it more calmly later.
You may even feel like doing house work later because now you will
be doing it on your own terms, and you won’t be doing it at the com-
mand of your wife. Sure, you may still have to do some house work
sooner or later, but when there is an environment of agreement, and
environment of “yes” everything will be magically easier.
The more you condition your spouse to be always saying yes,

the more likely she is going to say yes when you ask her for some-
thing you want. After a week or so of conditioning her “yes”
response, you might ask: “Do you mind if I go with the guys fishing
this weekend?” If you have laid the ground work of her conditioning
to say yes, she is much more likely to say “yes,” without further
argument.
The “yes’ strategy is the same that was used by the ancient
Greek genius Socrates. He used the technique over and over again
to ship any opponent in a debate. There wasn’t a person in all of
ancient Greece that could get a thing over on Socrates. Wouldn’t
you like this incredible power for yourself? You can have it by using
the “yes” strategy. It not only works on your wife, but your boss, your
co-workers and everyone else in your life, too. The world’s most
successful sale people constantly use this strategy to stop their
prospects from saying know when they are trying to sell them some-
thing.
Another powerful aspect of the “yes” strategy is that it forces
you to think more carefully before you speak. It makes you think
about the other person, and what they need to get them to the point
of “yes.” When you do that, you automatically become more atten-

tive to their needs, and you soften your own position, while at the
same time, winning for your own position.
I was listening to National Public Radio recently and they were

talking about how people can advance at their jobs and get along
well with their bosses or employers. One guy called up and said that
he gets to do anything he wants because he “trained” his boss to
always say yes to him. He started by asking her simple questions
to which the answer would obviously be yes, such as, should I send
this fax, and so on. For several weeks, he thought up questions to
which he was certain to answer yes. Then one week when he want-
ed a couple of days off, he asked her about it and she said yes with-
out even thinking about it. The fact is, she was so used to saying
yes to this young man, she found it difficult to do anything else!
The game of yes takes some skill and practice to perfect, but if
you get good at it, the world -- and all people -- will be at your finger
tips, stepping all over themselves to agree with you and say “yes”
when you want them to say yes.
5. What Does Your Partner Want?
Even in a very bad situation, if you simply find out what your
spouse wants, and give it to them, you’ll gain great influence over
them. It’s not what you want that counts. Wanting it won’t get it for
you. It’s what the other person wants that matters. Giving it to them
will get you what you want in the end.
Let’s say that your favorite food is french fries. You love french
fries and like to eat them as often as possible. But now let’s say
you’re going fishing. You think: “I love to eat french fries, so I’ll use
them as bait to catch a trout!” Are you going to catch any trout using
french fries as bait? Not likely. Trout don’t like deep fried potatoes.
They like flies and worms. You don’t offer them what you prefer, but
what they prefer. Do that, and you’ll reel in what you want -- some
tasty fish.
This is only stupid common sense, you might be thinking as

you read this, but then why do so many husbands and wives try so
hard to reel in their partners by demanding what they themselves
want, and not offering something the spouse wants? That’s stupid,
too, but millions of people keep doing it anyway, and that’s why there
are millions of divorces.
But what if what your spouse wants is a divorce, and what you
want is to stay married? In this case, if you give them what they
want, a divorce, you can never get what you want, to stay married,
right?
No. Even in this situation, you must give partner what they
want, even if it’s a divorce. When your partner says: “I want a
divorce!” You should say, “Okay, if that’s what you want, you can
have a divorce.” As I have said so many times in this book, wanting
is always better than having. Once your spouse has what he/she
things he/she wants, he/she may suddenly realize it’s not as great
as he/she thought it would be. Once they realize that getting you to
agree to a divorce, or actually being divorced is not all that great,
they will be much more willing to consider coming back to you. But
if you fight them all the way -- if you keep them from what they want
-- you’ll probably never get what you want.
What if you want a new car and your spouse wants to add on
to the house, and you can’t have both because you can’t afford
both? The very best idea is to give your spouse what he or she
wants. Once he or she gets it, he or she will be obligated to you to
give you what you want the next time. You can even use the “yes”
method I talked about above. If, after the house addition is built, it’s
time for your new sports car, and your spouse still disagrees, you
say. “Didn’t I agree to let you build onto the house rather than letting
me get my car?” Of course, the other will have to say “yes.” Then
you can say: “Don’t you think I should be able to get my car now,
then?” The other person will have to say “yes.” Well, they don’t
have to say yes, but if you have already given the other person what
they want, they will have very little reason to reject your request. But
you always have to give to receive, if you want to get what you want
easily.
Getting people to do what you want them to do -- motivating

people to act like you want them to act -- takes some bait, the same
way a fish needs the proper bait. Think along these terms, and you’ll
find yourself getting people what you want them to do easily and
often. Just find out what they want and dangle it before them, and
they’ll be jumping to your tune whenever you want them to.
6. Never Tell Your Spouse He or She is Wrong
What if your wife tells you that the New York Yankees won the
World Series in 1987, when you know for a fact that is was the
Minnesota Twins who won it in ‘87? Should you tell her she is
wrong? Well, in a minor case like this, you could tell her she was
wrong, and prove it in a minute by getting out an almanac and show-
ing her who won the World Series in 1987. But if you tell her she’s
wrong and use a tone of voice that makes her sound like an idiot,
then it really doesn’t matter who was right or wrong because you’ll
have made her angry anyway, even though you could prove yourself
right. You will win the argument, but you will lose something greater
-- the peace and harmony of your relationship.
But there are other issue that are not so easily decided. For
example, what if your wife says that you are lazy? You don’t think
you are lazy? Should you tell her she is wrong? Absolutely not! The
more you tell her she is wrong, the more she will think you are lazy.
What you should say is: “I can see why you might think I’m lazy?
How do you want me to improve?” When you do this, you instantly
stop the attacks and the criticisms. If you jump back and say: “How
can you say I’m lazy? You’re wrong!” This is an irresistible chal-
lenge for your partner to prove that she is right about you, that you
are lazy. She may start listing the ways. This makes you more and
more angry, and this anger only feeds her anger.
But if you stop yourself, and don’t contradict her, or tell her
she’s wrong, you immediately get back on a more constructive path.
If you ask for your partner’s advice on how to improve on a weak-
ness of yours she has just pointed out, she’ll have no further need
to make her case even stronger. She’ll match your accepting tone,
and may even start telling you how you are not lazy, or whatever.
Of course, I always recommend that partner’s never criticize or

judge each other to begin with, but if it happens, the best way to
handle it is not to disagree, and definitely never tell your partner they
are wrong, even when they are. When they are very obviously
wrong, as in not knowing who won the World Series in what year, it
would be better to say: “Do you think so? Let’s check the almanac
to make sure.” This way you avoid telling her she is wrong, and at
the same time, you get to the truth without all the bad feelings.
Never, never, never tell your partner he or she is wrong. That

doesn’t mean rolling over and playing doormat, or accepting some-
thing that is false. It means you find a better way to clear up some-
thing that is in question. Do this and you’ll avoid dozens of argu-
ments, and you’ll stay married and happy.
Try Them ...
These six strategies may seem like mere common sense to

you, but again, it’s amazing how many people never use them, and
as a result, their marriages get into trouble. You don’t have to be a
rocket science to use any of these techniques -- although they do
often require you to stop and think, and also control your own feel-
ings and knee-jerk reactions. The latter is the much more difficult
task, but keep in mind what you’re getting out of the deal when you
make the effort. You’ll find the effort not only well worth it, but more
than worth it.
• It’s not about “I”. It’s about you -- the other person. Think more
about the other person’s needs, and your needs will get met
more often.
• It says in the Bible that “A kind word turns away wrath.” That’s
true. Always use a soft, pleasing voice and you’ll stay out of
shouting matches and soothe anger.
• Good communication is one part talking and two parts listen-

ing.
• You can “train” your spouse to say “yes” to you more often if
you take some time to cultivate a climate of “yes.”
• The best way to get other people, including your spouse, to

do what you want is offer the proper reward or bait that will
make them do and act like you want them to act.
• When you tell your spouse he or she is wrong, even when

they are wrong, you get nothing but trouble. Don’t disagree.
Either agree, or make a neutral statement that won’t sound like
an attack on your partner’s position.
6 CHAPTER 6
THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE
For two people, a bad marriage is like a moth that is trapped

inside a house. A moth is flying along, minding its own business,
when suddenly it finds that it has blundered into in a large cavernous
space. It explores a little bit, and soon realizes it wants out of the
cavernous space. It wants to get back outside under the blue sky to
flutter and frolic among all the trees and green grass -- its natural
environment.
Happily, the moth suddenly spies the sky and trees through a
large opening and heads toward it. But suddenly, it slams into some
kind of invisible barrier. The moth does not understand that a large
picture window stands between it and where it wants to be -- out-
side. It becomes incredibly confused. Every time it tries to simply
fly to where it wants to go, it hits that hard barrier again. The moth
can’t see the barrier. It can only see the outside world, where it
wants to go. So it keeps flying into the hard window pain again and
again, beating itself silly.
The moth doesn’t know it, but it could throw itself against that
window a thousand times, ten thousand times, and it will never get
through it. But it doesn’t know what else to do, so it keeps at it, tap-
ping, fluttering, hitting the glass again and again. Eventually it plays
out, damages itself, of just gives up. It dies an unhappy death on
the window sill, in agonizing sight of where it wanted to be, but just
not being able to get there.
Do you feel like this in your marriage? I bet you do! You feel
trapped inside a terribly unhappy marriage, but at the same time,
you can see what your marriage can be, and you want to go there.
You can see it because you once had a happy marriage, and you
remember it. There was a time when your marriage was a perfect
place, full of love, great sex, happy times, companionship, and all
the rest. Except, somewhere along the way, like the moth, your mar-
riage blundered into a dark, unknown territory. Your marriage is no
longer a happy refuge. It’s a dark trap. You can’t really understand
how things went so bad somewhere along the way, but now that
your marriage is broken, you just want out. Yet, it’s not exactly out
that you want -- if your marriage could only get back to that wonder-
ful way it was before, you would happily stay there, safe and con-
tent.
Unfortunately, just like the moth, there seems to be invisible

barriers in your way. Every time you try to do something to fix your
marriage, you slam your head into that unseen wall. You do it again
and again. No matter what you try, you keep hitting the invisible win-
dow, and you keep getting hurt. Eventually, you feel that you just
can’t take the hurt anymore. You get tired of being frustrated.
Everything you try is like banging your head painfully against a wall,
so you give up and opt for a divorce. It’s not a pretty alternative, but
anything is better than suffocating inside this unhappy situation --
you don’t want to die and shrivel up like a moth on a windowsill.
Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is when

a person does the same thing over and over again, but each time
expects a different result. That would be a good description of the

moth tapping on the window, trying to get out. Except the moth is
not insane -- it just doesn’t understand enough about the situation to
solve it’s problem.
Fortunately, you are far more intelligent than a moth! And if you
are not insane -- which you are not! -- you can stop banging your
head against the wall and look at this whole situation in a different
way. You can figure out what the invisible barriers are that are trap-
ping you in a bad marriage, and learn how to easily get around them,
and divorce is not one of the options.
But the key here is -- you have to stop doing what is not work-
ing to fix your marriage, and you must stop long enough to find out
what does work before you can move forward again.
The first step is realizing that what you are doing right now just
isn’t working. For example, a wife will often nag a husband about
how he has changed from the time when they first got married. She
will say something like:
“You used to love to do things with me. We did everything

together, and now we do almost nothing together. You never used to
stay out late. You always called me when you knew you would not
be coming home early. But know you hardly ever talk to me. You
never touch me anymore. You only pay attention to me when you
want sex, and we hardly ever have sex anymore either! You spend
way more time with your buddies that you do with me!”
Of course, the husband has heard this same speech maybe a

thousand times. He either argues back, denying that he is doing
anything different, or he tells her that it’s only natural for a marriage
to cool off after a while, and for him to develop more interests out-
side the marriage. Most often, however, the husband will simply
withdraw into silence. That’s the most common reaction for a man
to have to what he considers “nagging.” The result is that he with-

draws even further, keeping his nose glued to the television, or
spending even more time away from his wife to get away from the
nagging.
Yet, the wife keeps on. She give her husband the same lecture
over and over again -- like a moth tapping hopelessly on a glass win-
dow it cannot see -- thinking that somehow, the husband is going to
one day listen to what she says, and miraculously change!
Good luck!
Since it makes no sense for the wife to keep tormenting her

husband with her pleas and lectures, the solution is obvious. She
must stop doing it! Why continue? It didn’t do any good the first
hundred times -- why would it work the next hundred times?
The solution is to give up on what is not working -- while at the

same time, not giving up on the marriage! Instead, it’s a much bet-
ter idea to go down the path of least resistance.
What if the wife said this to her husband instead: “You know
honey, I realize that you enjoy spending a lot more of your time with-
out me, and you like hanging out with your friends. I just want you
to know that I can understand why you feel that way. The most
important thing is that you’re happy. I think what I’ll do is just savor
the time you do give to me, and be happy when we’re together, and
just enjoy those moments, even if they are fewer than before.”
Now before all you women out there start screaming out in
protest -- wait till I explain why this works!
First, and perhaps best, you have finally stopped banging your
head against the wall! You can stop being frustrated. You can stop
wasting all that energy on a technique that never worked for you in
the first place. When you stop banging your head against the wall,
you stop hurting, even if it’s just a little. When you stop expending
energy uselessly, you gain energy. When you gain energy, you will
start to feel better. When you start to feel better, you’ll become more
positive. And when you start to feel more positive, new possibilities
will start to occur to you. True, you’re not getting what you want -- to
where you want your marriage to be right away -- but you have taken
a first step.
When you stop resisting, you start learning.
What will be the husband’s reaction to this reversal of strategy

by the wife? Well, he will be ecstatic! What husband wouldn’t want
his wife to stop nagging him? That can only be a positive change
for him. Even if he does it only passively at first, he’ll start thinking
better thoughts about his wife. He’ll think: “You know, she doesn’t
nag me anymore. Not only that, she told me that I’m free to spend
my time as I please, and that she’ll stop nagging me when we are
together! Maybe she’s finally starting to trust me? Maybe she real-
ly cares about my needs?”
Is it possible that this husband just might start liking his wife a
little bit more, and if that’s the case, might he want to start spending
more time with her? The answer can only be yes!
At first, the husband might only spend a tiny bit more or no

more time with his wife, but if the wife sticks to her agreement to
enjoy the time they do have as much as possible, the husband will
naturally enjoy her company more as well. When that happens, he’ll
make an effort to spend even more time with her, and before long,
the marriage is getting back on track.
This path of least resistance technique is not a mere ploy. It’s

not some simply pie-in-the-sky ideal. Letting go of resistance is one
of the deepest aspects of ancient wisdom known to human kind.
For example, Jesus is famous for having said: “Resist not evil.”
He also said, “Agree with thine adversary quickly, while thou art in
the way of him.”
But you don’t have to be a Christian or a follower of Jesus, or

belong to any religion to realize that Jesus knew what he was talk-
ing about. Five hundred years before Jesus, the Buddhists were
teaching the very same thing. The Buddha said the only good thing
a man could do was to gain salvation by not grasping, not clinging,
not resisting. Buddha said that the more a person resists something
he or she does not want, the more power that unwanted thing gains
over the struggling individual.
Also, the brilliant philosopher Thaddeus Golas wrote:
“No resistance. This does not mean that you must be physical-
ly passive or meekly put up with bad vibrations or rip-offs. This
means no resistance in your mind. Be free in your head, act out of
love, and do what feels good.”
That’s a key point -- not resisting the bad things in your mar-
riage does not mean you should put up with anything. For example,
if a husband slaps his wife in the face, the last thing she should say
is: “Thanks, honey! Do it as often as you like!” No one should put
up with or accept that kind of behavior. But shear resistance of
physical violence is not the answer either. If the wife tried to slap
back, that would only escalate the violence, and lead to real trouble.
Rather, the wife should get away from the husband as fast as pos-
sible. But getting away from violence is not resistance, it’s simply
the common sense thing to do.
But in all other cases, stopping resistance of a spouses nega-

tive behavior is the best way to eliminate the negative behavior alto-
gether. If your spouse tells you he or she wants a divorce, swallow
hard, take a deep breath and say: “If that’s what you really want, I
won’t fight you. I’d rather try to work things out, but I’m not going to
pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do.”
Again, this is not just a way of giving up. It’s simply a way of
diffusing the intense negative energy behind the desire for a divorce.
When all the bad energy is down played, the positive, constructive
energy has a chance to take hold and thrive.
One final note: The fact that we used an example of a wife giv-
ing up her resistance to her husband’s negative behavior does not
that it is the woman who should always adopt the passive accept-
ance role in a bad situation. The man must use the very same
method in the face of what he doesn’t like about his wife.
For example, what if a man has a wife who is a tremendous

flirt. Let’s say the woman loves to dress in low-cut tops and favors
short skirts, showing off a lot of leg. Furthermore, when men flirt with
her, she has fun with it and enjoys the attention.
Should a husband put up with this kind of behavior? No, the

husband should not condone it, but the worst thing he can do is
resist it if the wife refuses to stop, even after the husband complains
about it. If the husband says: “You know, I just hate it when you
dress like your trying to attract every man in the county when you’re
married to me. I want you to stop dressing that way and flirting with
other men! You’re my wife, not a prostitute!”
Is a statement like that likely to get a wife to dress the way a

husband wants her to dress? Hardly.
The last thing any man should do is tell his wife how to dress,
or how to act when around other men. Remember, for centuries
men have been using clothing to control and oppress women. In the
medieval days, men locked their women in metal chastity belts! A
century ago, women were required to wear long, heavy dresses, and
be trussed up tight in suffocating corsets. In the 1950s, “proper”
women were expected to wear long dresses, and never be seen in
pants!
What was the result of all this? The Women’s Liberation move-
ment! After women finally got fed up with dressing the way jealous
men wanted them to dress, they went wildly in the other direction.
Women burned their bras in public by the thousands! If men would
have been more accepting of the way women wanted to dress, there
never would have been such a harsh backlash against what women
rightfully felt was oppression at the hands of men.
The husband is much better off saying to his wife: “You know,
the way you dress is incredibly sexy. I think you always look so hot,
and so beautiful! I often notice how other men come on to you. But
I’m just glad you’re my wife, and that you flirt with me the most.”
What will be a wife’s reaction to her husband telling her she

looks beautiful in her clothes? Take a guess! She will love him all
the more, and she’ll have a far less desire to flirt with other men!
SOME FINAL COMMENTS
I fully admit that dropping resistance to the things you just can’t
stand about your spouse is difficult, but if you really want to save
your marriage and stop a divorce, the past of least resistance is a
powerful strategy that will work like a miracle. When you find your-
self forcing yourself to agree with something you just don’t want to
agree with, say to yourself:
“By agreeing when I don’t want to, I am taking control of my life,

and my marriage. I’m doing what it takes to get what I want. I am
no longer banging my head against a painful wall that gets me noth-
ing. It hurts to agree with what i don’t want to agree with, but it hurts
even more to fight and struggle, and have to keep doing that without
results.”
• Stop banging your head against invisible walls! You will

immediately start to feel better!
• The more you struggle and resist your bad marriage, the
more you get tangled in the bad marriage web.
• Resistance is futile. Ancient wisdom and religious thought

tells us that resistance is not a good way to handle problems.
• Stopping resistance does not mean giving up! The important

thing is to halt destructive behaviors that aren’t helping.
• When you stop resisting, you start learning, and your mar-
riage will start getting better.
7 CHAPTER 7
A POWERFUL DIVORCE BUSTING TECHNIQUE --

STOP CRITICIZING!
If you want to start a conversation about your marriage prob-

lems with this phrase: “You know, the problem with you is ...” we can
guarantee you the conversation is going to turn ugly, and you’ll be
further along on your way to a divorce.
Criticizing is probably the most corrosive acid you can pour on

a marriage to break it down and dissolve it. You can bet your life that
all couples who have divorced spent just hours and hours criticizing
each other before they both got a belly full of each other, and went
running to divorce court.
To stop criticizing what you don’t like about your spouse is

extremely difficult, especially when a spouse has a lot of valid prob-
lems that anyone would be right to criticize! For example, what if a
husband drinks too much? It seems natural to criticize him for it.
What if the wife is letting go of herself and gaining weight rapidly?
There’s hardly a husband in the world that can stand this, and it
seems only natural to tell the wife: “You’re getting so fat I’m
ashamed to be seen with you!”
I can easily think of hundreds of things husbands and wives

can criticize each other about:
• Husband is lazy and won’t help out around the house

• Wife leaves her bra and underwear draped all over the
bathroom
• Husband likes to look at other pretty women in public
• Wife is a lousy cook -- husband is a lousy cook!
• Husband dresses like a slob
• Wife never dresses up sexy anymore
• Husband belongs to the wrong political party
• Wife belongs to the wrong political party
• Husband wants to follow his religion and not wife’s
• Wife want to follow her religion and not husband’s

• Wife spends too much money foolishly
• Husband buys expensive sports car no good for family use
• Wife talks too much
• Husband never talks to wife anymore
• Wife is not satisfying husband in bed
• Husband is not satisfying wife in bed
See how easy it is? Believe me, I could keep this list going on
for pages! Do any of these sound familiar? If they don’t, you’ve
never been married!
In any marriage, even in very good marriages, there is a never

ending list of criticisms that are incredibly easy to latch on to, and go
for it! But think about it. When is the last time a husband or a wife
felt good when they received criticism about some failing from their
spouse? The easy answer is: It never feels good -- even when it’s
true!
An interesting thing about criticism is that most spouses don’t

even realize they’re doing it, or how much they are doing it. In
recent survey which asked the question: “Who is more critical in your
marriage?” more than 90 percent of husbands said their wives were
the more critical, and more than 90 percent of the wives said their
husbands were more critical!
Yes, denial is an ugly thing. But it’s more than denial. Most
husbands and wives truly believe they are not as critical as is their
spouse! That’s complete denial. Denial is like having your head
stuck in the sand like an ostrich. It’s stupid. If you think, as you read
this, that you do not criticize your spouse as much as he or she crit-
icizes you, then you need to wake up and get real.
Here are the facts: Both husbands and wives are always criti-
cal of each other at some time. When a marriage starts going bad,
the level of criticism from both sides starts going rapidly upward.
Furthermore, this is not some kind of game to decide that the
spouse that criticizes more is the loser, the one the criticizes less is
the winner. Sometimes it’s not the amount of criticizing being done,
but the quality and the irritability factor that counts most.
Does criticism work? That’s the real kicker! It doesn’t! So here

we have husbands and wives constantly criticizing each other, and
none of it does a darn bit of good! What’s wrong with this picture?
Plenty. The bottom line is, if criticizing your spouse will not lead
to the change of behavior you want in him or her, why do it at all?
CRITICISM LEADS TO INFIDELITY
Not only does criticism do nothing to get your spouse to

change, criticism is also perhaps the No. 1 contributor to one of the
biggest marriage killers of them all -- infidelity. Very often, when a

spouse is battered with a constant barrage of critical comments, it’s
a natural tendency to seek out someone who does not carp at them,
and who seems to appreciate them without all the criticism.
In a new relationship, people do not know each other well

enough to find things to criticize. At first, only the good qualities
show through. That’s the way it is when a married person starts hav-
ing a relationship with someone outside the marriage. In fact, many
professional marriage counselors tell us that it is that feeling or
appreciation, even more than the sex, that is more seductive to an
unhappy spouse. The cheating partner never seems to criticize the
other like the spouse does, and it feels so good! But it’s really a
kind of illusion. The relationship outside the marriage is new, so the
“critical phase” all marriages encounter has not had time to develop
yet. Thus, the cheating husband or wife falsely believes that their
person outside their marriage is somehow better than their own
spouse because they don’t criticize. Very often, on this basis, a
man or woman will divorce to marry the person they were cheating
with.
But again, we remind you of this statistic: 50% of first mar-

riages end in divorce, but 60% of second marriages end in divorce!
Here’s what happens: At first the second marriage is going

along great, but then the newness and euphoria wears off, and
guess what? The criticisms start up again, and the second time it is
more often worse that it was in the first marriage!
Since the person did not learn to constructively handle criticism

in the first marriage, that person is going to do even worse in the
second marriage, and the result is so often just another divorce.
JUST STOP IT!

The solution to the criticism problem that ruins so many mar-

riages is simple to understand, but hard to do. The solution is to
stop -- stop criticizing. Yes, it will be very difficult. You will have to
sit on your hands and bite your lip as your spouse does those irri-
tating things you love to pick at. You will have to hold off from a lec-
ture when your spouse doesn’t do, or forgets to do what you want
him or her to do.
And you may be thinking: “I’ll never get him/her to understand

what it is I want them to do, or stop doing!” But we just told you --
criticizing won’t get the job done either. Worse yet, criticism often
leads to infidelity and divorce.
What you need to think about is this: When you stop criticizing,
your marriage is going to start getting better. Go ahead, be selfish
about this noncriticism thing! It’s going to get YOU what YOU want
-- a better marriage!
And what the heck, you may even want to tell your spouse that
you’ve decided to stop criticizing them. Tell him or her that you’ve
probably been over critical, and that you’re just tired of talking about
it all the time. And from now on, you’re going to let him or her be the
person she wants to be.
What this does is passively pressure the spouse to adopt the

same policy. It doesn’t force him or her do anything -- you can never
force a spouse to do something they don’t want to do. Rather, your
unilateral declaration of a truce leads by example. You put your
money where your words are, or in this case, aren’t! Since one
spouse has declared a criticizing truce, the other will feel obligated
to respond in kindness. It doesn’t take long after all the destructive
criticism stops for the marriage to stop being like hell, and just a lit-
tle bit more like heaven. Well, okay, let’s not go overboard!
Stopping all the criticizing may not turn your marriage into a model
relationship overnight, and it won’t fix all your problems, but it’s one
gigantic step in the right direction. It’s another piece of the puzzle
that stops a marriage from sliding toward disaster, and gets it back
on solid ground, so that other problems can be worked out in an
atmosphere that is free from accusations, complaints and criticism.
If you want to take things a step further, not only stop criticiz-
ing, but find positive things to say to your spouse. That might be dif-
ficult at first because you have been in the critical mode for so long,
saying something complimentary will actually seem alien. Also at
first, you may not be able to think of anything positive. But if you try
hard enough, you’ll think of something. Think about it: What is at
least one, single, solitary thing your spouse never drops the ball on,
or does well? Unless you are married to Satan, or the reincarnated
ghost of Adolf Hitler, there has to be something your spouse does
that you like. Seize upon it! Give your spouse a compliment! Once
you make this shift, you’ll be amazed at how many good things
about your spouse you can find.
It’s a fundamental law of psychology: That behavior which is

rewarded will be repeated, no matter what kind of animal is in ques-
tion, including human beings. The best way to motivate another per-
son, any person, is to reward them for what you want them to do.
That includes your spouse. You cannot brow beat another person
into doing what they want -- not for long, anyway. Sooner or later, the
person is going to rebel and want to get away from you.
Try this. Stop criticizing and start giving compliments. It will do

wonders for your marriage, and you’ll be a lot happier. Best of all, it
will make the prospect of divorce much less likely.
• Criticism is like acid to a marriage. Stop pouring it on, and

your marriage will stop corroding.
• Criticism simply does not work. It won’t change your spouse.

So why do it?
• Criticism only pushes your spouse closer to a possible affair

with another person.
• When you stop criticizing, your marriage starts to get better

right away.
• Replace criticism with positive feedback -- compliments. If

criticism is like acid to a marriage, compliments are like warm sun-
shine and water to a flower. It makes it thrive!
8 CHAPTER 8
HOW TO BREAK THE NAGGING HABIT FOR GOOD IN

21 DAYS
It might seem like this chapter is directed toward women

because the word nagging is so often associated with what women
do to their husbands. But husbands nag their wives just as much,
but they just package their gripes or petty demands in different
ways. What it all gets down to is: “Why don’t you do this?” and “Why
don’t you do that?” and “When are you going to ...” fill in the blank!
One thing men nag their wives a lot about is their weight. They think
they can nag a woman slender -- which is incredibly stupid. It does-
n’t work.
Whatever you want to call it, nagging is a terrible thing. Here is

how the American Heritage Dictionary defines nagging: “1. To
annoy by constant scolding, complaining or urging. 2. To torment
persistently, as with anxiety. 3. To be a continuing source of anxiety
or annoyance.”
That sounds awful, doesn’t it? And it is. Ask anyone who feels
he or she is being nagged and they tell you it’s pure hell. The dic-
tionary gets to the heart of the matter with all the right words: annoy,
torment, anxiety.
Yet, why do so many husbands and wives nag each other?

Many wives tell me: “If I didn’t get after him all the time, nothing
would ever get done.” A man might say: “If I don’t tell her exactly
what to do, she’ll do it wrong.”
But what it all gets down to is a bad habit. Husbands and wives
all make requests of each other now and then, but it’s when this
requesting gets persistent and repetitive enough it becomes nag-
ging, and anything that is repeated often enough becomes a habit.
Like most habits, people slip into them without knowing it. They get
hooked before they know it, and then they can’t stop, even if they
want to.
This is certainly the case with nagging. It has become such an

ingrained habit in a relationship, the nagger just keeps on doing it
and can’t stop. After a while, a husband will do nothing until the prop-
er amount of nagging has been administered. The reason he has to
be nagged is the very reason that he is nagged. This seems like a
complete contradiction, but it’s not. You see, the man just wants to
be free of nagging, but since nagging is constant and persistent, in
his mind, there is no freedom from it. So the only thing he can do is
prolong the times when no nagging occurs, and he usually accom-
plishes this by avoidance -- hiding, dodging, evading -- from what he
will be nagged about. And because of all these evasive maneuvers,
the man must be nagged even more to force him to do what the
other wants him to do. Thus, a hateful cycle of nagging sets in, and
before either person knows it, nagging is a habit that can’t be
stopped even when one wants to stop.
Women often subconsciously encourage their own husbands

to nag them about losing weight because they feel it’s a last-ditch
motivation that will get them on a diet, or else! But that negative kind
of motivation comes with a fatal flaw -- it loses power quickly. The
woman stops losing weight, and soon, the nagging starts all over
again.
Here is how the dictionary defines a habit: “Something done

often, hence easily.” If you nag a lot, it starts to come easily after a
very short period of time. I challenge you -- try not to nag your
spouse about anything for a week. If you’re a certified nagger, you
going to find keeping your mouth shut about as difficult as kicking a
smoking habit.
But it’s essential that you stop nagging each other if you want
to be happier in your marriage, or if you want to stop your marriage
from sliding toward a divorce. Breaking the nag habit can be done
like you break any habit. Here are some steps to get that done:
1. Recognize that you choose your habit
Nobody starts something by accident. That first cigarette, that

first drink, that first nagging of your spouse -- you decided to do that.
You set the whole thing in motion. Thus, if you chose to start, you
can now choose to stop. But you have to make that choice. You
have to want to make that choice. That’s step one.
2. Recognize that habits are reinforced by emotions
When you smoke, you may get an emotional payoff. First,

smoking is a mildly mood altering drug that can relieve stress and
make you feel just a tad better. At the same time, your physical body
is getting addicted to the nicotine. Nagging is very similar. When
you nag your spouse, you have a negative emotion created by
something you want your spouse to do or stop doing. When the
nagging works, you get an emotional payoff. Your spouse has
obeyed. That makes you feel good. You want that feeling again, so
of course, you try some more nagging. Each time it works, you feel
good and you want to do more. But just as smoking stops becom-
ing fun at some point, so does nagging. The negative kick-back
from nagging is painful and causing problems in your marriage -- but
you’re already hooked, and can’t stop. So recognize there is a pow-
erful emotional element in nagging. This will help you in a coming
step.
3. A habit must be rationalized by the addicted person
Many people want to quit smoking, but they have rationalized

reasons to keep on. “It relieves my stress,” one person might say.
Another might say: “My grandfather smoked his entire life and lived
until he was 98.” Nagging is even easier to rationalize. You say to
yourself: “If I didn’t nag him, he’d sit on the couch all night and never
lift a finger to help me.” Or, “If I didn’t get on him, he’d never do any-
thing with the kids.” Or, “If I don’t tell her she’s fat, she’ll never lose
weight!”
What this kind of rationalizing does is reinforce the habit by

telling your subconscious mind: “This behavior is necessary and
important, or harmless and enjoyable.” When you rationalize, your
conscious mind is programming the unconscious mind to go along -
- and where the subconscious mind goes, there goes the person.
4. An action must be repeated often enough to the point

that it’s easy and automatic -- then it become a bona fide habit
When you first start smoking, you hack and cough and your
lungs rebel. But after a while, your lungs grow used to the smoke,
and it becomes easy. It’s the same with nagging. The more you do
it and get away with it, the more you use this dark tool to get what
you think you want -- in this case -- some behavior or action on
behalf of your spouse.
5. The fifth aspect of a habit is that you finally get to the

point that you do it without thinking about It becomes so natural,
that you do it all the time. You accept is as a way of life. That’s how
so many couples find themselves nagging each other for years on
end. Neither of them can remember that point when they made a
conscious decision to adopt this behavior, nor can they remember
forcing themselves to repeat it until it became easy and natural, and
they started doing it automatically, and all the time.
So now that you understand the five steps it takes to form a bad
habit, it’s simply a matter of choosing to reverse your bad habits and
replace them with good and positive habits. I say “simply” but that’s
not quite true. Knowing what to do is simple -- actually doing it can
be hard.
But listen to this: Most habits take about 21 days to get set into
your minds and become automatic behaviors. If you repeat some-
thing several times a day for 21 days, on day 22, you are most like-
ly doing it easily and naturally. Thus, to reverse a habit, you gener-
ally need 21 days to undo it.
When most people try to quit smoking, the first few days are so
horribly difficult that they quickly give up and go back to smoking.
The problem is, they are not aware that there is a time limit to the
struggle. If the would-be quitter would keep in mind that the strug-
gle won’t always be a struggle, that if they can just hold on for a few
days, they’ll start gaining power over their addiction. It might take 10
days or two weeks before the terrible carvings go away, but they will
-- and gets a tad easier each day. After about day 15, it starts to get
extremely easy as the new, chosen behavior starts to take its place
over the bad habit. In 21 days, you’re home free.
It’s the same way with nagging. Indeed, you’ll find it very diffi-
cult to simply not nag -- especially when your spouse triggers the old
nagging response. It’s much like the things that trigger people to
smoke -- when they get in the car, or have a cup of black coffee, the
brain says, “Hey! Light up!” It’s the same when your husband leaves
his dirty clothes all over the floor, or sits in front of the TV while you
vacuum the carpet. You’ll want to nag. It will seem right to nag -- but
if you want to stop nagging, you must bite your lip and not nag. After
21 days of control, you’ll be over the nagging habit. True, your hus-
band or wife may not have enacted the behavior your nagging used
to produce, but you can take steps to improve things in that area
later by forming new, positive habits.
When you are tempted to nag, be aware of it, stop and tell
yourself this:
1. Nagging is a conscious choice; I choose not to nag.
2. I will avoid bad feelings if I do not nag. (Thus reversing
the emotional payoff of nagging, replacing it with a psy-
chological victory over not nagging).
3. I will not rationalize nagging as something good. I know
that nagging will only start a fight, or make my partner
unhappy with me.
4. It will soon be easy for me not to nag.
5. I am not a nagger.
Write these five lines down if you want to and keep them in your
pocket. Whenever you start to hear yourself nagging -- JUST STOP
-- read the five lines, and move on with your life.
But many people ask me: “How can I change my husband’s

behavior if I don’t nag him? He’ll never take out the garbage, he’ll
never pick up his clothes!”
The answer to this is simple. If your husband won’t take out the
garbage, let it pile up until it becomes a mountain in your kitchen.
Sooner or later, he’s going to take it out if you remain strong and
don’t do the job he’s supposed to do. Don’t wash his clothes and
don’t pick up after him. Simply inform him -- ONCE! -- that it’s not
your job to be his maid. You can also tell him you will no longer nag.
I can tell you that 99 out of a 100 men will see this as a pretty good
deal. It may take some time, but after enough repeating, a husband
is going to gladly trade doing a few chores over not being nagged
about it.
Even if it doesn’t work that well, if you manage to stop nagging,

there is going to be a positive improvement in your relationship.
Once you remove the annoyance, the anxiety and the torture of nag-
ging, a new peace settles on the household and the relationship.
There is also infinitely less chance of your relationship deteriorating,
and heading toward divorce. Defeating the nagging habit is that
powerful -- and never forget -- nagging IS A HABIT! Nothing more,
nothing less. Because habits are chosen behaviors, they can be
unchosen by you. It’s a matter of taking control of your life, and not
being a victim to your own bad habits.
If you don’t like your habits -- take 21 days to change them.

You’ll be glad you did.
• Nagging is nothing more than a habit you have chosen
• You can undo the nagging habit -- and you must!
• It’s tough to stop nagging at first, but it gets easier fast.

9 CHAPTER 9
KILLER DIVORCE BUSTING STRATEGIES YOU CAN

USE EVERY DAY
1. You Must Love Yourself First
If you want your spouse to truly love you, love yourself first.
Most people react negatively to this statement because they think it
sounds selfish, self-centered, conceited. Nobody likes a person
who is stuck on themselves, right? That’s true, but what we’re talk-
ing about here has nothing to do with being vain or conceited.
What we’re really talking about is having a healthy self-image,

and good self esteem. Why is this so important to a good marriage?
Because a person who does not love himself, or herself, is difficult
to love by another. When a person believes that he is unworthy, he
will subconsciously, or even consciously, act in an unworthy way.
The person is just acting out what he believes himself to be! Who
wants to be married to an unworthy person? No one.
If a person believes that she is stupid, she’ll automatically limit

herself in many ways. The person who thinks she’s stupid won’t
apply for a good-paying job because she’ll say to herself: “I’ll never
get that job anyway, so why even apply? I’m too dumb to get past
the interview.” A wife who says something like this often enough to
her husband will have a husband who starts thinking: “My wife is stu-
pid.” He’ll lose respect for her.
But just because a person thinks she’s stupid does not mean
she is stupid. It may be merely self-defeating thinking. If this per-
son challenged herself, tested herself, or did something to gain more
knowledge, she most likely will discover that she’s not stupid at all.
Also, the mere act that this person refuses to accept her own weak-
ness, and makes an effort to improve, will earn the admiration and
support of the spouse, even when she fails now and then.
People who don’t love themselves let themselves go physical-

ly. Some people gain weight, grow disgusted with themselves for
doing so, and then start pitying themselves even more. They get
depressed, They end up gaining even more weight, and a vicious
downward spiral develops. When they get really fat, they may not
want their spouse to even touch them. They can’t stand themselves,
and they don’t want their spouse to like them either. Before long, the
spouse is agreeing. He or she thinks: “You are a big fat loser, just
like you always say you are! I want a divorce!”
Rather than hating yourself for getting fat, challenge yourself to

get back into shape. Tell yourself: “Okay, I let my weight slip, but
now I’m going to do something about it.” That arrests the self-hat-
ing process before it gets out of control. Even if losing the weight is
slow and not all that successful, the spouse will recognize honest
effort, and will support your desire to treat yourself well. When you
treat yourself well, others help you do it!
So it’s clear -- you must have good self esteem, you must truly
love yourself, if you expect others to love you. People are attracted
to people who are confident, happy and comfortable with being who
they are. Again, this is a lot different from a person who is obvious-
ly conceited. But we all know the difference. The person with high
self esteem will never act conceited because they have nothing to
prove.
If you want to save your marriage and avoid divorce, be happy

with yourself, or take steps to make yourself be the best you can be.
Nobody will ever be perfect, but it’s the effort that counts, not nec-
essarily the results.
2. Acting As If -- Acting Happy
This divorce busting strategy ties into the first one. The fact is,
when a person is chronically unhappy, it drags the other person
down as well. No one likes to be around a person who is unhappy
all the time. Many husbands get tired of pitying their wives, and vice
versa. In fact, this is one of the most frequent reasons spouses give
for wanting a divorce: “I just can’t stand being around him/her any-
more. They’re just too unhappy!” They may even think they have to
divorce you so that you can have a chance at being happy again!
The solution is to act happy, even if you are not happy. Pretend
that you are an actor in a movie. Pretend that you’re being some-
one you are really not. Just go with the role. You don’t even have to
believe it yourself. The key is: make your act convincing enough to
fool your spouse into thinking that you are happy. The results will
amaze you. By merely acting happy, your spouse may forget the
idea of divorce in just a few days. Believe it -- acting happy works
that well in repairing a marriage.
But there’s more -- it’s a proven fact that a person who acts
happy, eventually starts to feel happy -- for real. The mere act of act-
ing as if you are happy will make you happy. We dare you to try it.
When you force yourself to act happy even when you don’t feel
happy, your conscious will is taking over control of your entire mind,
including your subconscious mind. The great Swiss psychologist
Carl Jung said: “The subconscious mind does not know the differ-
ence between a truth and a lie.” That means if you, with your con-
scious mind, start insisting that you are happy, and you augment this
by acting happy, you are going to be happy, subconsciously, and in
all other ways as well.
One final point: Many people who are happy may be perceived
to by unhappy by their spouses. For example, a husband may com-
plain a lot about his job, the price of groceries, smile very little, and
more Yet, he may not be aware of all this, and in his mind, thinks
himself to be happy. But what is important is what his wife per-
ceives. If all she hears from him is complaints, she’s going to
assume he is unhappy. Thus, you must make sure your spouse per-
ceives you to be happy, whether you are happy or not!
3. That’s Fine With me! I Totally Agree!
If you learn to use these phrases at all times in your disputes

with your spouse, you’re going to get your way just about every time.
What are we talking about? Let’s look at an example:
Bob Preston of Minneapolis didn’t want his wife, Mandy, to

divorce him, but she kept pushing him for a divorce all the time any-
way. He always refused. He fought it any way he could. But every
time Mandy wanted to get her way in any situation, she’d pull out the
old Divorce Ace and play it. Bob always caved in. He would do any-
thing to prevent a divorce. His wife was acting like a real controlling
monster, but he still loved her, and wanted to work things out. The
problem was, she was making his life miserable. He was giving her
the power by his constant refusal to consider divorce. But he was
beginning to see the writing on the wall. Sooner or later, he’d have
to give into the divorce, if only to save his dignity and sanity.
So one day during an argument over some financial matters,

Bob put his foot down. He wanted to do it his way, and that was
final. Mandy, of course, played her ace. She brought up divorce.
Despondent, Bob finally said, “Fine, I totally agree! Let’s get a
divorce.”
Suddenly, Mandy was speechless. Bob had finally called her

bluff. With one simple phrase, Bob had taken away her power over
him. Now the ball was in her court. At first, Mandy said: “Good, let’s
get a divorce then.” Bob said again: “Great. Let’s do it.” They left
it there, and for several days, neither of them spoke of divorce again.
In the meantime, Mandy had let Bob get his way on the financial dis-
pute they had argued about.
About a week later, another dispute came up. Again, Bob put
his foot down. Again, Mandy tried to trump him with her divorce
move. Again, Bob said: “Yes, I’ve already agreed to a divorce. Let’s
get it started.” This time, Mandy dropped the subject and they did-
n’t talk about it again for almost two weeks. In the meantime, life
went on.
Then one day, Mandy suddenly exploded in anger at Bob. She

said: “I can’t believe you’re being so cavalier about getting a divorce!
You used to do and say anything to keep us together! Now you act
like you want a divorce!”
Bob said: “Mandy, I just want what you want. If you want a
divorce, I’ll give you a divorce. If you don’t want a divorce, I’ll go
along with that, too.”
After this conversation, the subject of divorce never came up

again. All of their problems didn’t magically go away, but now Mandy
realized that her divorce demands no longer had any power over
Bob. This forced her to find other ways to get what she wanted, and
that usually meant compromise. But once the power of her divorce
ploy had been called, it became clear to Bob that Mandy didn’t real-
ly want a divorce either. With this realization, their marriage started
to get better. If they weren’t going to get a divorce, then they had to
work things out.
What’s the moral of this story? Well, some psychologists call

this negative suggestibility, but it’s really just good old reverse psy-
chology. Bob didn’t want a divorce, and by fighting the idea, he only
made the idea stronger in Mandy’s mind. But once he started agree-
ing, she started wanting the opposite.
What he did was to frustrate and diffuse her neurotic desire for
a divorce. Once the spell was broken -- by nonresistence to it -- the
spell lost its power and the idea of divorce dissolved slowly away.
Will this work for you? And isn’t it risky? What if your spouse
immediately agrees to a divorce? The fact is, the vast majority of the
time, when you start agreeing on anything, even a divorce, it forces
both spouses to start thinking more deeply about divorce. Once it
becomes a real possibility, the idea all of sudden doesn’t seem so
great. Yes, the spouse may agree to a divorce -- but that’s still a long
way from going through with it. And think about this: If resisting a
divorce demand isn’t working, why not try the opposite? What have
you got to lose? You can be confident in the knowledge that agree-
ing to a divorce may be the best way of stopping it completely. It has
worked thousands of times for thousands of couples, so you might
as well try it.
4. Strong Medicine for Broken Marriages -- Date Other

People
Here’s another true case study:

Liz R. of Seattle was separated from her husband, Raymond.

She desperately wanted to get back together with him and try to
work things out. The problem was, her husband refused to see her,
or even speak with her on the telephone. For months, Liz called
Raymond, left messages on his answering machine, wrote him let-
ters, but he ignored all of it.
Liz’s therapist suggested she file for divorce because the situ-
ation had grown hopeless. This left Liz despondent. She felt that
her therapist was right, and only being realistic, but she still didn’t
want to accept it.
Then one day, a man who worked in Liz’s office asked her out
for a date. Liz wasn’t interested in dating anyone else, but she
accepted only because she thought it would be nice to have some-
one to talk to, and to just go out and have a nice dinner with a man
once again.
So Liz and her date went to a popular restaurant, and as they

were eating and having a nice time, Liz’s husband Raymond hap-
pened to walk in and see his wife laughing and talking with another
man. Raymond turned right around and went back out. Liz had
seen him, and felt terrible. On the other hand, his behavior was the
same -- as soon as he saw her, he got away from her as fast as he
could.
But as soon as Liz returned home, her phone was ringing. It

was Raymond. He was furious that she had been out with another
man. Of course, Liz said to him: “Raymond, you finally decided to
talk to me. I’ve been calling you for six months and I haven’t heard
a peep out of you. What did you expect me to do? Wait for you for-
ever?”
The next day, Raymond agreed to meet with Liz and there
therapist, and they later reconciled.
At first, the dating others strategy seems like a simple ploy to

make the other spouse jealous, and in a way, that’s part of the rea-
son it works. But the psychology behind the idea goes much deep-
er.
Let’s look at the example of Liz. For six months, she humbled
herself, pleaded, begged, acted desperate, and what did it get her?
Nothing. Also, by acting in this way, she was sending a message to
her estranged husband. She was telling him: “I’m a loser. Nobody
else wants me. I need you to make me complete. I’m nothing by
myself.”
Now, ask yourself: How many men want to date a desperate

loser that nobody else wants? Not very many. But when Liz demon-
strated she indeed had value -- enough value to attract other men -
- she started sending the opposite message to her husband. She
was saying: “Look at me! I’m in demand! Other men value me! You
better get off your duff and claim me back while you still can!”
The dating other strategy has some pitfalls to be aware of, how-
ever. For one thing, the other person you decide to date is a real
human being with real feelings. To simply use another person as a
ploy to lure your spouse back is not a good thing to do. Also, it’s very
easy for human beings to start doing a lot more than dating -- that
means having sex, getting involved, and developing feelings for
these other people. The picture can get quite complicated very fast.
Some marriage repair experts recommend you merely “enjoy the
company of other people.” That means not going to far because
your ultimate goal is to get back with your spouse, eventually. The
bottom line is, if you use this strategy, keep a level head and your
eye on the ultimate goal. You don’t want to hurt anyone else along
the way. But if you have run out of all other options, dating others
may be your only alternative. Just remember you’re playing with
powerful medicine, and you need to handle the situation with care.
5. Don’t Give Up Everything Else For Your Partner
Many new marriages end in divorce before the first year is up.
Why? Well, there can be many reasons, but when thousands of
such failed marriages were examined by researchers, one pattern
kept cropping up again and again.
When two people fall in love, they sometimes get very hot for
each other. And it seems the hotter they burn in the first few months,
the faster they tend to cool off.
What happens is this: One or both of the newlyweds are so

gaga over each other, they give up everything else they were doing
in their life. They stop enjoying their favorite hobbies, they stop
being interested in their work, and they even freeze out their other
friends and family members. But sooner or later, the euphoria of the
relationship cools down. But by now, each person has stopped
becoming the active, interesting person they were when they first
got married. They no longer have any fun hobbies, they have alien-
ated their friends, and they have lost interest in their jobs.
When this happens, the newlyweds starting relying on each

other even more to give their lives variety, spice and something
interesting. The trouble is, they have basically worn each other out.
You can only squeeze so much hot passion out of another person
before the well runs dry. The couple has forgotten that they used to
get fun and entertainment outside their relationship. They began to
blame their new, cooled down, unexciting lives on each other.
Before long, they long for the fun and interesting lives they had
before they got married. They mistakenly think that the only way to
get their old lives back is to divorce. They also may blame each
other for stealing away the lives they had before.
It is a lot to ask for any person to get all of their love and atten-
tion from just one other person -- their spouse. In real life, we have
all kinds of loves, friendships and relationships. The love of a friend
is as important as the kind of love you get from a husband or wife.
When you give up on the love of your friends, you put all the pres-
sure on the spouse to make up for it. No spouse can take that kind
of pressure.
Also, when a lot of other people like someone, it is easier for

the spouse to like that person, too. They are proud to be with some-
one who so many people like and enjoy, and the spouse gets to
bask in some of that reflected glory.
Enjoying hobbies and jobs is also important. A person with a

lot of interests outside the marriage is a more interesting person,
period. A person who strives to do well in his job will provide a bet-
ter income, and also reflect favorably on the spouse. A marriage is
a healthy balance of time spent together, and time spent on activi-
ties outside the relationship. When two people get married, they
should not dump everything they were before, and expect their new
spouse to pick up all the slack. Nobody can take that kind pressure,
and it’s often too much pressure for a marriage to survive.
6. Tell Your Spouse Your Love Him/Her Every Day? No

Way!
You always hear a lot of TV relationship experts, and preach-

ers in churches of all kinds advising married people: “Tell your hus-
band/wife that you love him/her every day.”
But this is a lot of bunk. Let’s get real. Letting your spouse
know that you love him or her is fine, but when you beat the point to
death, you risk triggering the opposite affect. Your spouse starts to
think: I’ve got this person wrapped around my finger. In fact, there’s
no challenge in it anymore. I’m bored. I’ve heard ‘I love you’ so
many times, it no longer has any meaning to me.” People just natu-
rally lose interest in something they have already completed or con-
quered, so to speak.
Many husbands or wives also start to get worried if there love-

making starts to get less frequent. When you were first married, you
might have done it every day. Later it slowed to three times a week.
Then once a week, and then maybe once or twice a month. But this
is natural. If you’ve made love to the same person a thousand
times, trying to make the next thousand in the same or shorter time
just doesn’t make any sense.
If your relationship is growing stale, maybe it’s because you

have worked it too hard. Who is more anxious for a glass of water
-- a person who has just walked five hours through the hot sun with-
out a drink, or a person who is force-fed a glass of water every other
hour? Of course, the hot and deprived person is going to attack that
glass of water like it’s manna from heaven. Now, who’s going to be
more wild for sex -- the man who hasn’t had it for a month, or the
man who has to “do the duty” like clockwork three or four times a
week. If your husband is losing interest in you sexually, maybe it’s
time to starve him for a while.
There’s no right and wrong here, no time frame that is better

than any other. But the point is -- when you push the “I love You’s”
and the sex to heavily, the glass will get full, and when it’s full, there
will be little desire to try to get more in there.
7. Jealousy -- The Atomic Power of Relationships
Jenny K. was madly in love with the man she had agreed to
marry. His name was Jim. M. But Jenny had a problem. Every time
she saw Jim so much as talk to another women, she went crazy with
jealousy. She immediately felt threatened, and even convinced her-
self that he might be seeing this other woman on the side. When
she confronted Jim with her fears, it felt like she was accusing him
of something he was totally innocent of. At first, Jim thought it was
cute. He liked the fact that she wanted him so badly, and didn’t want
to share him with anyone else. But before long, Jenny’s jealousy
grew old. Jim felt like he couldn’t so much as look at another
woman without Jenny breaking down in tears.
He also got tired of reassuring her. Jenny’s jealousy also made

her seem desperate, and no man likes a woman who is desperate.
Men don’t like desperate women, they like a challenge. They feel
that if a woman is worth having, she’s worth doing some work to get.
But a woman constantly showing her desperation to be loved exclu-
sively produces just the opposite effect.
Jenny felt she needed to confront Jim about her feelings of fear
over losing him to another. She felt this would make her safer in her
relationship because it would cause Jim to reassure her and affirm
his love for her. Of course, just the opposite happened. Jim grew
weary of her demands, and wanted to spend less time with her. He
was under too much pressure. Her jealousy only pushed him away.
And sometimes, too much jealousy leads to this attitude on the

part of the person being accused all the time: “Hey, I’m getting
blamed for it anyway. I might as well fool around a little. Either way,
I’ll get flack. I might as well get something for it.”
Some couples are jealous of more than another man or

woman. They are also jealous of the time the spouse spends with
friends and family. But again, as we have already said above, peo-
ple need more than their spouse in their lives. They need more than
one kind of love. They need the love of friends and family. That love
only adds to a relationship between a man and a woman, and does
not take away.
So jealousy is a destructive force. It makes the jealous person

seem needy and desperate. It puts too much pressure on the

accused. It does nothing to help make the relationship better. If you
are a jealous person, you must learn to trust, and get over it.
Of course, there are certain situations in which jealousy can be

used to an advantage, as we also have spoken about above. When
a spouse has been rejected by the person they love, they can start
dating other people, which will make the other person jealous, and
thus, can re-ignite the lost interest. But think of it like atomic ener-
gy. Atomic energy is a very powerful force, and when used for good,
can produce many benefits. But atomic energy is also the most
destructive force on the planet if used for evil means. An atomic
bomb can decimate an entire city in one blow, just as too much jeal-
ousy can wreck a marriage fast and efficiently.
So think of jealousy like that -- like atomic energy. A little in the

right place at the right time can spice up a relationship. But play with
it the wrong way, and you’re dead!
8. My Husband/Wife Is a Control Freak
Many couples want to get away from their husband/wife

because they feel that the other is a control freak. They feel they are
being dominated, have lost their own independence, have no say in
anything, and feel more like a slave than a husband or wife. Let’s
take a closer look at this, starting with and example:
Betty Ann and Steve had a very good marriage during the first
few years. Steve was a very strong, take-charge, in-control kind of
person. He was very organized, and a master at handling problems
and getting things done. At first, Betty Ann loved it. It made her feel
safe and confident. She liked being with a strong man who could be
counted on to tackle the difficult decisions in life.
But after a few years, Betty Ann began to feel totally dominat-
ed. She began to realize that she never had a say in anything.
Steve’s decisions were always final. Steve was so accustomed to
being in charge, he didn’t think anything had changed. And after all,
Betty Ann had always been more than happy to play the passive role
and go along. But now she had changed. She had been watching
a lot of Oprah and was getting interested in feminism and women’s
rights. She had started to assert herself, which put her totally at
odds with Steve. Things got so bad, they eventually divorced.
About a year later, Betty Ann found a man who was 180
degrees opposite of Steve. He was a very passive, quiet man, and
was only more than happy to leave all the major decisions to Betty
Ann. At first, Betty Ann was thrilled. Her new husband not only val-
ued her opinions, he usually gave way to her in all situations. He
never argued or challenged her. Things were fine for about a year,
until Betty Ann began to discover how difficult it was to be responsi-
ble for everything, and have to make all the hard decisions. She
could never rely on her new, passive husband to take on any major
problems. He left everything to Betty Ann. Before long, Betty Ann
began to view her new husband as a spineless wimp. He was weak
and indecisive in her mind. She lost respect for him. She felt that
she was always going it alone, and that her new husband was more
like another child that had to be totally guided and cared for all the
time.
Before long, Betty Ann divorced her second husband too.
In both cases, Betty Ann created her own problem. In her first
marriage to Steve, she willingly gave up all her control and power to
him, letting him handle all the tough decisions. But what she had
done was created her own monster. Once she had let Steve estab-
lish himself as the dominant one, it became very difficult to win back
her own independence. But what Betty Ann should have done was
develop a backbone, stood up to Steve, and demand her own share
of the power in the relationship. Of course, Steve would have
fought back to keep his power, but Betty Ann could have handled
that by simply ignoring him, and doing things the way she wanted
whether he liked it or not.
In her second marriage, she created another kind of monster -

- a spineless jellyfish who rolled over on command. She also could
have prevented this or fixed it by forcing him to make his own deci-
sions. When a problem came up, she could have said to her weak-
ling husband: “I don’t know what to do. You handle it.” And if he said:
“I can’t handle it,” Betty Ann should have said, “Well that’s too bad.”
And left it there.
The bottom line is this: No one can truly control us unless we

let them. Most often, we give away our power freely, only to find out
later it can be very difficult to get back. The best way to handle a
control freak is through passive resistance. If the other makes a
demand that you don’t agree with, ignore them, no matter how much
they complain. Tell them you want to do it your way, or not at all.
Gandhi helped free his entire country from the British Empire with
passive resistance. You can do the same to conquer a single, con-
trol freak spouse.
15. When All Else Fails, Try a Bribe
What if your spouse is dead set on a divorce that you don’t

want? You have tried talking, begging, promised to change and
everything else, but nothing has worked. Why not try a bribe?
If your wife won’t come back to you, offer her cold hard cash.
Tell her: “If you stop your divorce action, I’ll pay you $50,000, which
will belong totally to you, and which I will have no further say over.”
The more you can offer, the better. You’ll be amazed at how a per-
son will respond to such an offer. And it’s more than about just the
money. Making such an offer will be a powerful signal that you are
willing to do anything to get her back. It will make your value of her
tangible. The wife will think: “This guy is willing to put his money
where his mouth is. I’d better give it some serious thought.”
What if you don’t have $50,000, or any other sum of money?

You can bribe with a number of things -- promise to never tell her
what to do or not to do again. Promise you’ll take over all house
work for three years. Tell her you’ll stop drinking, and that if you slip,
she gets a no contest divorce and anything she wants. use your
imagination. If you make the bribe sweet enough, it’s going to pro-
duce action and stop a divorce.
Many of you might think that this is a cold, business- like idea
to save a marriage, which is supposed to be about love, devotion
and companionship. But if you’re on your way to a divorce, and
nothing else has worked, you won’t have any of that stuff anyway.
The bribe is just a starting point. It stops the divorce, gets you back
together, and then you have a chance to save the marriage. What
happens after that is up to you.
16. How To Use Sympathy
Mary was married to a man who was chronically unemployed.

Mike always had trouble finding a job and keeping a job once he
found one. At first, Mary tried to intimidate him and shame into get-
ting his act together, but Mike was always full of excuses. He was a
real whiner, which drove Mary crazy. The more he whined and acted
like a doormat, the more Mary came down hard on him, making him
feel even worse.
Mary grew so frustrated with her spineless husband, she final-

ly went and talked to her minister about him. She told the minister
that she was tired of carrying the financial burden in their relation-
ship, and that her husband seemed to have an excuse for every-
thing. Mostly, he was afraid and intimidated by job interviews, and
by the challenges he confronted when he had a job.
Mary’s minister said: “Well, you’ve tried shaming him and

yelling at him, and that hasn’t work. Why don’t you just try sympa-
thizing with him? When Mike expresses a fear or reservation, tell
him you understand and that he has a perfect right to feel the way
he does.”
At first, Mary thought this was a terrible idea. She thought that
is she didn’t keep a fire lit under her husband’s behind, he’d stay
home and never do anything. Yet, she was tired of badgering him
all the time, too, so she decided to try the minister’s suggestion.
A week later, Mike had an interview for a new job, and told
Mary: “I’m not looking forward to this interview. I always get nervous
and make a fool out of myself during interviews. I’d rather not even
try to save myself the humiliation.”
Mary bit her tongue, and then said: “Maybe you’re right. I know
how you feel. Just forget the interview. Don’t put yourself through
the pain.”
Mike’s reaction was astonishment. Mary had always criticized

him and called him a coward before. Now she seemed to be agree-
ing with him. He said:
“Don’t you think I’m good enough to get this job?”
Mary said, “Well, you said you had no faith in yourself and that
you are nervous. That’s totally understandable.”
Mike said, “Well, I’m not THAT nervous. I could at least give it
a try, couldn’t I?”
Mary said, “I don’t know. That’s up to you.”

Suddenly, Mike found some new courage. Actually, he was

extremely angry with his wife for accepting his own definition of him-
self as a wimp. He decided right there to prove to her that she was
wrong. Mike went to the interview and got the job. He rushed home
so he could throw the fact into his wife’s face. When he got home
and told her he got the job, Mary just smiled and said: “I new you
could do it!”
Mike kept this new job, and has had few problems since. All
Mike wanted, although neither he nor Mary knew it, was some
understanding about how he felt. Once he received it, he found the
courage to meet his challenges in life because he knew he’d have
support and sympathy when he needed it. Sometimes, sympathy is
the best way to give someone the confidence they need. It forces
them to find their own strength, rather than rely on negative rein-
forcement to help pay for their failures.
17. Try Being Complimentary
The power behind a sincere and well-stated compliment cannot

be understated. Couples that are at each other’s throats never
compliment each other, but if one of them does, it can turn the whole
relationship around on the spot.
Most of the time when a man or woman is having a divorce

pushed upon them by the other, everything they do and say is
attacking or defensive. This serves only to make the situation spiral
ever downward, making things worse. Sooner or later, a divorce is
the only result.
But what if a man said this to his wife: “You want a divorce. I
know that. It’s a tough decision, but you have the guts to do what
you have to do. No matter how this turns out, I admire the way you
fight for what you want, even if you’re fighting against me.”
Such a statement would strike like a thunderbolt, have no

doubt. A true, sincere compliment that is accepted as one, can
change a person’s thinking fast. It’s as excellent way to stop a
divorce, stop an argument, and get both parties back on track.
Try a compliment -- it can be about anything. And it can fix just

about anything, too.
18. The Reality Behind a Divorce
Many people who are in the midst of a divorce, or who are

already divorced tend to go a bit crazy over the idea of divorce itself.
Just the word itself -- “divorce” -- is loaded with negative power and
meaning. Divorce means failure. Divorce is bad. People in our
society who are divorced live with a certain, unspoken black mark
attached to their reputations. They failed. They’re losers.
Thus, when people face their own divorce, they face the
prospect with dread. As their divorce gets closer to being final,
many people start obsessing over it. They dread going to the mail-
box because they know, sooner or later, the final divorce papers will
arrive, and then the worst will have happened.
But when you think about it, what is a divorce, really? It’s a
concept. It’s an idea. It’s a situation. A divorce is not a living crea-
ture or a physical object. It’s something we crazy human beings
have invented. It exists only in the context of our minds and our cul-
ture. But outside of the mental existence that we give to it, it has no
existence.
When two people are living together, loving each other and are
happy together, they may or may not be married legally. In the U.S.
today, millions of people are perfectly happy and committed to each
other without having a legal piece of paper that to tell them they are
married. Whether you approve or disapprove of people living
together, what you have are two people sharing their lives. It’s amaz-
ing how they don’t really need some piece of paper telling them what
reality is, or isn’t.
People who are living together are married in the emotional

sense. People who are married are both married emotionally and
legally. When problems arise, there are actually to kinds of divorces
happening -- emotional divorce and legal divorce. Which is more
real? The emotional aspect of the marriage, or the legal aspect of
the marriage. There is no doubt that the emotional aspect is the
more real -- the legal aspect is merely words on paper.
Why is this important to understand? It’s important because

too many people have built up the idea of legal divorce to have much
greater importance than it should have. Because of this, a legal
divorce becomes a terrible struggle. It brings with it all kinds of cul-
tural baggage that causes more trouble than it should.
If you’re getting a divorce, and there is no way to stop it, maybe

it’s time to stop building it up into something more significant and
real than it really is. Just because you are preparing to get some
paper that say you are no longer married is no reason to be filled
with regret or dread. The fact is, you and your partner still have a
powerful emotional history, and that emotional history and connec-
tion can never be wiped away or erased by a set of papers.
Many times, after a legal divorce becomes final, the couple

suddenly start finding it easier to be happy and together again. They
no longer have the pressure of trying to uphold this huge, artificial
idea of a legal marriage. They can just be together and be happy.
So even a legal divorce is not necessarily the end of a rela-

tionship. Only two people can decide what a true relationship is or
is not. Better yet, if you accept this idea before a legal divorce hap-
pens, you can both step back and look at your situation with a new
perspective. A divorce is only a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo that

helps make lawyers and bridal gown sales people rich. A relation-
ship is what you make it, and no piece of paper can truly have that
much influence on the greater meaning of it all.
So just relax about this idea of divorce. If you do, the power of
the word and the concept we call “divorce” can lose that power, and
you can go on with your relationship on a more realistic basis.
Just remember -- a divorce is only a piece of paper. It only has

the meaning we give to it.
19. Lawyer: They’re trouble, But Use Them To Your

Advantage
As we said in Chapter One, once lawyers are brought into a

separation or divorce situation, things almost automatically get
worse. That’s because lawyers like to make the situation worse. The
more the divorcing couple fight it out, the more money they make.
However, if you are already in the lawyer phase, there are

some ways you can use a lawyer to your advantage. One way is to
get a very aggressive lawyer on your side that will make things as
bleak as possible for the other side. When the other side starts to
see how badly they are going to come out of the divorce, they may
change their mind about the divorce entirely.
Also, when you get together with your partner to discuss points
of detail about your divorce, you can use your lawyer as an excuse
not to argue about details, where most of the true trouble starts.
Whenever your spouse asks about this or that, you simply say:
“Well, that’s up to my lawyer.” Or you can say, “Let’s just have our
lawyers handle that.” Then, as the lawyers do all the fighting, you
can concentrate on other things that don’t stir up so many bad emo-
tions, or stimulate arguments.
But this is also a very dangerous tactic. Lawyers simply have

a way of making people angry with the strange way they look at
things, their blunt language, and their go-for-the-throat mentality.
This makes it even more important for you to have a very aggres-
sive, take-no-prisoners kind of lawyer. If your lawyer seems to be
laying down and letter the other lawyer walk over him -- and you --
you’re only going to get more angry, feel more cheated and grow
more bitter.
If you want to stop your divorce and make your partner listen to
reason, then avoid lawyers altogether. Opt for mediation instead.
Mediation is a less confrontational to go about a divorce, and often
leads to reconciliation.
20. Break Out of Your Ruts
Human beings thrive on variety. It’s an old cliché, but it’s true:
“Variety is the spice of life.” One of the primary reasons that people
want out of their relationships is pure boredom. After five or 10
years of marriage, both people in a marriage can be so stuck in a
rut, they don’t even know they’re in a rut. It doesn’t have to be 10
years, however. A rut can start in six months for some people.
Every Valentine’s Day, the wife expects a box of chocolates or

flowers, and sure enough, like clockwork, the flowers show up.
Every birthday, they expect a gift, or a night out for dinner, and sure
enough, that’s what they get. Every father’s day, dad gets a new tie.
After the 10th Valentine’s Day and the 10th birthday and the 10th
wedding anniversary, there’s no real surprise or delight left in the
event -- unless the couple breaks out of the rut and does something
different.
What if, on the day of your wedding anniversary, you tell your
wife to get into the car, and don’t tell her where you’re going. You
end up at an airport and you tell your wife that you both are going to
jump out of an airplane with a parachute to celebrate your wedding
anniversary. Different? Exciting? You bet!
But breaking out of ruts is not only about doing something dif-
ferent on special days. Sometimes you need to change your deeply
worn habits. For example, maybe you never go out on dates any-
more, and always stay home. You may be comfortable with that, but
you should challenge yourself to break out and change. Go out sev-
eral nights a week. Do anything that is different.
Do you eat the same foods week in week out -- beef, chicken,
pork or fish with potatoes and a side dish? Maybe it’s time to have
squid, or goat’s head soup. Or tell your spouse that the only food
allowed in the house for the next month is Ukrainian.
• Maybe you should all decide to move to another country.

• Maybe you both should get new jobs.
• Maybe you get new hobbies, or better yet, a new hobby you
can enjoy together
• Maybe you should both join the Peace Corps -- it would be a
heck of an adventure!
There are a million ways to break out of your ruts! Do it, and
you can revitalize your marriage, and save your marriage.
21. The Power of Communication? Let’s Get Real.
By now, you are probably convinced that good communication

is the most important possible element of a good marriage, and that
when communications breaks down, problems start in a marriage.
Why do you believe this? Because you have been told this
hundreds and thousands of times. Who tells us this? The so-called
experts. Turn on any daytime talk show, such as Oprah, or The

View, or any of the others, and you’ll hear all kinds of “relationship
experts” blather on endlessly about the importance of good commu-
nication. Why do we believe them? Well, of course, because they
are on TV! If they’re important enough to be on TV, they must know
what they’re talking about, right?
Now it’s time for reality. The first thing you need to remember
about TV is that it’s not reality. The purpose of Tv is to entertain us
first. TV blabbers are experts on telling us what we want to hear. TV
is also designed for stupid people. Everything that you see on tele-
vision has to be very easy to understand, or nobody would watch it.
So TV is the last place you should be getting your important infor-
mation from.
The fact is, when a couple tries to communicate too much, it

only creates more opportunity for misunderstanding. The more
deeply you dig into an issue, the more complex it gets. The more
complex it gets, the more confused you both get, and the more dis-
agreements that pop up.
One of the main reasons why the divorce rate is so high -- over
50% -- is that too many people have been taking the advice of
Oprah’s guests about the need to communicate with your spouse.
The fact is, if a husband and a wife kept their conversations straight-
forward and simple, there would be a hell of a lot less to disagree
upon. Sure, you have to talk about some things so that you can
function as a normal family. But when all the basic elements of daily
life are worked out, leave well enough alone.
You’re far better off making small, happy talk. It’s simple, it’s
pleasant and it fulfills all needs of communication and being togeth-
er. Stop going off on long, twisted conversations about each other’s
needs, wants, desires and everything else. Just talk about the basic
details, and make conversation about pleasant and unimportant
things. You’ll stay out of trouble, have far fewer disagreements and
enjoy each other’s company a lot more.
22. “Cancel, Cancel” the Pain
When you are having a bad time with your partner, you are
experiencing a painful situation. Every time you think about your
partner, your arguments, the terrible thing they have done to you,
and all else, you are causing yourself pain. Yes, your partner may
have caused the pain in the first place, but after that, you deliver the
pain to yourself by thinking about it. The more you dwell on it, the
more you keep the pain going.
This pain is destructive to your soul, to your piece of mind. It

eats away on you like a cancer, like an acid on your heart. The more
you experience this pain, the worse your situation gets. That’s
because the acid pain eats you down slowly, a little at a time. Before
long, your mind and soul have been eaten down into a painful lump,
and you just want to get a divorce to end it all.
But what if you had a way to stop the pain, an easy way? Well,
there is an easy way. Since it is your own dwelling on the pain that
is delivering it to you, the answer is to simply stop yourself from
thinking about it. It’s easier than you think. Try this simple trick:
Every time you find yourself thinking about some rotten thing your
partner did or said to you, say the words “Cancel, Cancel” to your-
self. This is a signal to simply get your mind on something else.
Just stop thinking about it. Of course, you have developed a habit
of constantly thinking about the pain of your relationship, so the
answer is to start arresting this habit whenever you catch yourself
engaging in it. Say “Cancel, Cancel” every time you start getting lost
in thoughts about your bad relationship. Be vigilant. Tell yourself
that you are no longer going to dwell on the bad stuff. All that think-
ing about it has done you little good anyway, so “Cancel, Cancel” it.
Before long, your inner mind is going to get the idea of what
you want it to do. By constantly repeating “Cancel, Cancel” at the
very instant you start dwelling on the pain, the pain will abruptly stop
-- and this will give your mind and soul some quiet time in which it
can regain strength and heal. The less time you spend dwelling on
the pain, the more your strength and frame of mind will improve.
You’ll give yourself the opportunity to start feeling better, and when
you do, you’ll start seeing your situation in a more positive light.
When you get more positive, you’ll be amazed at how new solutions
suddenly began to present themselves.
The bottom line is, get away from the pain, and the pain will get
away from you. You control the switch to your mind which is deliv-
ering the pain to you. Take control and switch it off! Just say
“Cancel, Cancel” and watch your life -- and marriage -- improve!
23. Center Yourself
When you’re involved in a bad marriage or facing a divorce,

your stress level is always high. Stress is a mind and body killer.
Studies prove that your physical body actually produces chemicals
and hormones during times of stress that work to deteriorate your
body. As an example of this, look at how U.S. presidents age dur-
ing their time in office. Being president of the United States is one
of the most stressful jobs in the world. In just four years, many of
our presidents have appeared to age 10 to 20 years.
Stress causes heart attacks, stomach ulcers, and makes us

more vulnerable to every day diseases, such as colds and the flu.
Stress also is highly conducive to producing depression, mood
swings, angry behavior, and more. It muddles your thinking.
Stress makes a bad situation only worse. If you could find a

way to relieve some or a great deal of your stress, you will be better
able to handle your relationship problems, and even if things get
very bad, you can reduce the damage to your mind and body.
One of the best way to calm your mind is by controlling your

breathing. Next time you feel yourself feeling stressed, angry, sad,
or whatever, take notice of the way you are breathing. You will see
that you are taking rapid short breaths. But if you take control of
your breathing, and consciously make yourself to breath slowly and
calmly, your mind and feelings will follow suit.
Zen monks have used this technique for more than 2,500
years. Centuries ago, monks practicing meditation noticed that the
brain follows the breathing. When you force yourself to breath
deeply, slowly, and calmly, your state of mind will match that kind of
breathing. If you take control of your breathing, even in the face of
stress -- such as an argument with your spouse -- you’ll calm way
down, think more rationally, and things won’t get so out of hand.
In addition to slow breathing, perform some kind of relaxation

exercise at least once a day. One simple and very effective relax-
ation technique involves sitting or lying down and first calming your
breathing. Then, starting with your feet, begin to relax each portion
of your body. First, tense up your muscles in your feet, hold it for a
few seconds, and then let them go. Feel your feet relax, and go with
the feeling. Do the same with your legs, stomach, chest, arms, neck,
even your face and scalp. By the time you have done your whole
body, you’ll be feeling great, and your mind will follow this feeling.
Going through a divorce or living in a bad relationship can tie

us up in knots of stress than can be a daily prison in itself. It makes
the situation worse. But if one or both of you learns deep breathing
and relaxation techniques, the stress element can be removed from
a bad situation, and when that happens, you’re on your way to solv-
ing problems with a calmer, more reasonable mind.
24. What Arguing Does for You

Let’s cut right to the chase. Here’s what arguing does for your
relationship: It makes it worse. Of course, you know that, right?
You don’t need to read some stinking book like this to tell you that!
The problem is to not argue seems like an almost impossible

thing to do. You might think that you can’t stop, even if you wanted
to stop. Also, if you don’t argue with your mate, won’t he or she run
all over you? You need to defend yourself, right? You need to get
your point across, right?
Well, you don’t want to simply roll over and play doormat for
your mate. On the other hand, will arguing get you what you want?
Will it help you “win?” The answer is no. You must start thinking this
way: “If I choose to argue, I will lose no matter what. But if I choose
not to argue, something good will happen to me.”
Repeat these two sentences to yourself several times over.

You may even want to stop reading this right now and repeat these
two sentences to yourself:
“If I choose to argue, I will lose no matter what. But if I choose



Whenever you defend yourself with an argument, you almost

always get the opposite of what you want. When you argue, it hard-
ens your partner’s position against you even more. It makes much
more sense to do the opposite -- agree. Agree even when you dis-
agree. Why? Because your partner is so used to taking an opposite
position from yours, if you start agreeing with him or her, they may
switch positions and do what you wanted them to do in the first
place!
If you want to save your marriage and stop a divorce, choose

agreement over argument as often as possible, and you’ll be
amazed at how much more smoothly your relationship will start run-
ning.
But what if your partner starts viewing you as a spineless wimp

if you don’t argue back? Well, it’s important to remember that you
don’t want to argue, but you don’t want to simply jump and leap to
the commands of your mate either. He or she will lose respect for
you if you become a totally giving wimp. If your partner wants you
to do something you don’t want to do, don’t argue about it -- just
don’t do it! Again, it’s the old passive resistance technique. If you
want to do something your partner does not want you to do, don’t
argue about it. Either do it, or let your partner have his or her way
and don’t do it. You see, you still remain in control of yourself. You’re
not being a door mat, or a giver-upper. You’re just deciding to not
argue about what you do or don’t do.
Stopping arguing takes a lot of mental toughness, and an abil-

ity to keep yourself from rising to the bait that your spouse offers up
so often for an argument. Don’t take the bait of an argument. If you
do, your partner will reel you in like a real sucker. Rather, stay free
and strong be agreeing and walking away. Do so, and you’ll soon be
getting your own way more often, your mate will respect you, and
your relationship will start improving rapidly from the point that you
choose to just stop arguing!
25. How To Handle Blame
How do you feel when someone, especially your spouse, lays

a load of blame on you? Not good, right? But what if you get
blamed for something you really did wrong? What if you had an
affair with a woman who lives down the street from you? Would your
wife be right in blaming you for ruining your marriage? She proba-
bly would, wouldn’t she? But maybe you come back and say: “Well,
you refused to have sex with me, so what was I supposed to do!”
Your wife would mostly likely say something like: “That’s your fault,
too! You’re act like such an A-hole all the time, why should I ever let
you touch me!” And then you fire something else back at her.
It’s a bad situation. Many say this is the start of a marriage fast
on it’s way to divorce, and they would probably be right.
But let’s say you regret having the affair, and you want to stay
married to your wife. What do you have to do? You have to accept
blame. You have to admit what you did wrong, or it will be almost
impossible for things to get better. After you accept blame, it is up
to your wife to do something even more difficult -- she has to forgive
you for what you did.
But now let’s say you get blamed for something that is not your
fault. What if your wife says to you: “How could you let us go bank-
rupt! Now we’re going to lose our house, the car, and everything!”
Your wife says this, even though the facts are that she went wild with
the credit cards and maxed out five or six of them. Sure, maybe you
did a little overspending, too, but your wife really helped you both
along to bankruptcy. Should you just stand there and take the blame
for something that was just as much her fault? If you want to stay
married, the answer is yes. You might shoot back at your wife about
the credit card thing, but she’s probably get defensive and try to turn
things back around on you. Once again, you’re both headed for
divorce court. But if you want to stay married, you just say: “You’re
right. I should have seen this coming. I shouldn’t have let us go
bankrupt. I’m sorry about the house and the car. But we still have
our health. Once we get go through bankruptcy, we’ll be free of debt
and we can start over, together.”
If you say this, your wife is going to come over to your side very
quickly. But what if all her credit card spending really, really sticks in
your craw, and you have a ton of resentment over it. Furthermore,
you feel cheated because all the blame of your mutual bankruptcy is
being laid at your feet. Well, you might get some temporary satis-
faction out of throwing this fact into her face, but you might also end
up divorced.
You see, the point of this book is about saving marriages and
avoiding divorce. This is not a book about what’s fair and what’s not
fair. If you are under the impression that life is fair, you are living in
a dream land. Think about a child starving to death in a poor, under-
developed country. Whose fault is that? Who is too blame? Not that
poor 3-year-old child. He’s dying of starvation, but that’s what life
has dished out for him.
Life is rarely fair. What happens in your marriage is often

unfair, too. But if you want to stay married, sometimes you have to
suck up things that are not fair in exchange for staying married. And
when it comes to blame, you have to accept it. But when you do
accept blame, after your initial hurt feeling, you start gaining an
advantage because now your spouse feels better about you. They
view you as an honest person who takes responsibility. They will
respect you, and the next time somebody screws up -- you or her --
there will be less attention on blame and more on what can be done
to correct the situation so that you both can go on with your lives.
26. Remaining Calm in a Storm
What happens when a person is swimming, starts to lose his

strength, and start to panic? That person is about to drown. What
happens to a group of soldiers in a foxhole if they are being over-
whelmed by an enemy, and they all start to panic? The other side is
about to win the battle, take prisoners or kill all of everyone in that
foxhole. What happens when you are giving a talk before a group
of people and you start getting very nervous. You start blubbering
like a fool and you make a total jackass of yourself.
You can name any situation and safely conclude that when you
lose your cool, things are going to start going very badly for you. It’s
the same when things start going very badly between you and your
spouse. Let’s say your having an argument and you, or both of you,
really start to lose your cool. Is the argument going to end up in a
good place? No, the situation will get even worse, perhaps even
lead to violence.
So it’s clear -- the best thing to do is keep your cool in a bad sit-
uation, including when things start getting very bad between you and
your mate. If you remain calm, no matter how bad things are, you
stand a much better chance of resolving things in a better way.
But what if you remain calm while your partner continues to

blow a fuse? What if he starts throwing things at you, throwing
punches, or just screams and yells like a maniac. Well, when two
people are blowing a fuse together, that’s twice the danger of just
one person blowing a fuse. If your partner gets violent, simply get
the hell out of there until he or she calms down. You don’t have to
stand around and takes blows to the face. You can leave. but if you
try to hit back, things could get very, very ugly fast.
If your partner goes on a screaming rampage, cursing you,

blaming you, taunting you, the very best thing you can do is stay
calm and wait for your partner to blow off all his or her steam. Stay
silent and ignore him or her. Later, they are going to feel very stu-
pid, while you have maintained your dignity. Your partner, who lost
it, is going to feel stupid after they calm down, and will be ready to
talk things over sensibly.
Always stay calm. Staying calm saves lives, and it can save a
marriage.
27. Don’t Try to Control -- Let it Happen
There is a saying from the Zen tradition: “The best way to con-
trol a cow is to give it a very large pasture.”
What does this mean? Well, think about it a little. All farmer’s
know that cows only seem to be on the other side of the fence. This
is where the saying, “The grass is always greener on the other side”
comes from. If you drive by a farm, you’ll always see farm animals
poking their heads through a fence to get at some grass on the other
side, even when they have perfectly fine grass on their own side of
the fence. The smaller the fence for the animals, the more likely
they are to break it down to get to the other side.
But if the animals have a very large pasture that satisfies all
their needs, they will have little reason to break through the fence.
They’ll be happy where they are.
The same goes for a marriage. The more you try to control your
spouse in any way, the more they’ll try to break out. The more
restrictive and demanding you are, the more rebellious and unwilling
to meet your demands they will be.
Kelly was constantly angry with her husband, Paul, because he

loved to spend so much time with his pals at the pool hall, at sport-
ing events, and other places. So she constantly harped on him
whenever he went out. She tried all kinds of little maneuvers to keep
home with her. But the more she tried this, the more Paul wanted to
be on the other side of the fence. Paul went out with his buddies
way more often than he might have if he hadn’t felt so trapped and
suffocated by his wife’s constant demands for his attention. What
she should have done was given Paul a very large pasture. If Paul
could feel confident to come and go as he pleased, he would natu-
rally decide to spend more time at home with his wife. He would
even feel guilty when he took too much time away from her to be
with his friends. Trying to tighten your grip on your spouse almost
never works, but it does almost always produce just the opposite
effect. So just calm down and give your spouse a very large pasture.
That way they won’t be constantly trying to jump the fence to get
away from you.
28. You Don’t Agree About Religion
Debra was a very devout Christian, but she fell in love with a
man, Brent, who described himself as a “free thinker.” He wasn’t an
atheist, but he really hated organized religion, especially going to
church. He believed in God in his own, personal way.
Debra and Brent got married while they were still in the eupho-
ria stage. Even though Debra knew that Brent was not a Christian,
she firmly believed that she would be able to change him eventual-
ly. She also felt God would help her make a Christian of Brent if she
prayed about it enough.
Because Brent was so in love with his new wife, he agreed to

go to her church with her every Sunday, even though he really hated
it. He just bit his lip and went because he wanted to make his wife
happy. But as time went on, Brent became more and more disgust-
ed with Debra’s church. He felt the preacher was too conservative
and narrow minded. Just about every Sunday, something the
preacher said in the sermon made his blood boil. Debra and Brent
would sometimes argue about religion on the way home from
church. It was a very unpleasant situation.
So finally one Sunday, Brent told Debra that he no longer want-

ed to go to church. Of course, Debra was extremely upset. She
thought not going to church was a sin, and that Brent was risking the
fires of an eternal hell. But Brent was adamant. He just couldn’t
stand going the church anymore, and that was it. He said, “If you
want to go to church, that’s fine. I support that. But as for me, I want
to stay home.”
Debra talked to her pastor about her new problem. The pastor
didn’t give her very good news. He said, “Studies show that couples
who don’t go to church together eventually break up. The statistics
prove that. You better put your foot down and get your husband to
come to church with you. Eventually he will accept it.”
So Debra went home and told Brent the news. She said he had
to go to church with her, or risk losing her someday. But Brent
remained calm and said: “I don’t care what your preacher told you.
I’m not going to church, and that’s it. You’re free to go if you want to.”
For a long while, Debra kept bugging Brent to go to church, but

he simply said no. After a while, she gave up and let him have his
way. She continued to go to church, and he stayed home, and they
remained happily married.
Debra’s preacher was right about one thing. Many couples

break up over religion, but he was wrong about the solution. The
preacher suggested Debra force her husband to go to church
against his will. The preacher said statistics prove the couples who
don’t to church together break up more often.
But this reminds us of what Mark Twain said: “There are lies,
there are damned lies, and then there’s statistics.” It’s funny how
Christian preachers always quote Christian experts, how Jewish
preachers quote Jewish experts and Muslim experts always quote
Muslim experts. The fact is, each person needs to make his own
choices about religion, no matter what each religion wants them to
do. The best thing for couples to do about differences in religion is
to respect each other’s beliefs about their religion, and not try to
change or convert the other. The more you try to twist your partner’s
arm over to your way, the more they are likely to resist, or give in and
form a long-lasting resentment about it.
Debra didn’t like Brent’s choice, and he certainly didn’t care for
hers, but they agreed to disagree and go there own way on religion
while staying together. After that, the problem never came up again.
That’s what a marriage is all about -- accepting deep seated differ-
ences in your partner, and honoring it. The worst possible thing you
can do is force your spouse to go against his or her own beliefs. It
almost never works.
The problem of religion really gets tricky when children are

involved. Now each parent wants to teach their children their own
brand of faith or religion, and neither can have it their way against
their spouse’s will. It’s is perhaps 10 or a 100 times more difficult for
a parent to see his or her own child being raised in a belief system
that they just don’t agree with. But the answer again is not to force
the situation. The only thing each parent can do is explain to their
mutual children what their own set of beliefs are. In the end, the chil-
dren are going to making their own choices anyway. Think about
yourself? How did you choose your religion? The vast majority of
people adopt the religion their parents indoctrinated them into, but
many of those children also later opt out for something else, or no
religion at all. Whatever the case, you yourself made a choice one
day about what your own religious beliefs would be. What you have
to keep in mind is, sooner or later, your children will be adults and
they are going to make their own choices anyway, no matter what
one parent or the other says.
So it makes little sense to start a war over what your children’s

religion is going to be. It’s a war that no one can win, and in the end,
your children will make up their own minds anyway.
The issue of religion is a tough one. Thus, more than ever, both
partners need to stay calm, and accepting until it hurts. You may
want everyone in the world to be a Christian, but you’ll never con-

vince the millions of Buddhists or Muslims of that -- not in a million
years. The same goes for Jews, Muslims or those of the Hindu faith.
They may wish everyone will see things their way, but will it ever
happen? Well, it’s never happened in tens of thousands of world
history, so what makes you think it will happen in the future?
So after you have made your case for your religion, let it go.
You can’t force a religious belief on someone who doesn’t want it.
Only cult leaders do that, and we all can agree that is a terrible thing.
Accept and honor your partner’s religious beliefs, even if that means
separate churches, or no church at all.
• If you don’t love yourself, you make it hard for others to love
you.
• If you’re not happy in your marriage, “act as if” you are happy,
and you soon will be.
• Always agree, even when you don’t want to. You’ll get what
you want that way.
• Don’t give up your entire life outside the marriage. You still
need to be you.
• Saying “I love You” is okay, but there’s a point where it stops

becoming effective.
• Jealousy is the atomic power of relationships. It’s dangerous

and destructive most of the time, but good uses can be found for it.
• No one can control us unless we let them control us.

• Being sympathetic can sometimes do wonders.
• A sincere compliment can turn even a broken marriage

around instantly.
• A divorce and a marriage are concepts that exist on paper. A

relationship between two people is the real thing.
• Lawyers are trouble, but can be manipulated to help you save

a marriage.
• Just get out of your mental pain by mentally stopping it. You’ll
be able to think more clearly about your problems when you do.
• Shake up your marriage! Break out of your personal ruts!
• Good communication is not all it’s cracked up to be in a mar-

riage.
• Choose not to argue.
• Respect each other’s religious beliefs, but don’t force yourself

to believe something you don’t agree with. Don’t argue about reli-
gion. Arguing is arguing.
10 CHAPTER 10
COMMON WRONG-HEADED EXCUSES PEOPLE USE

FOR DIVORCE
For decades, or maybe even for centuries, people consistently

give the same set of reasons for wanting a divorce. But these are
more than reasons -- they’re mindsets -- ideas that people have
come to believe in, and which makes them want a divorce. The
more you understand these reasons or mindsets, the better you can
deal with them and stop your divorce from moving forward. Let’s
start with a real biggie: “I’m no longer happy!”
I’M NO LONGER HAPPY
Marriage counselors and divorce lawyers here this excuse over

and over again: “I’m just not happy in my marriage any more.” They
are opting for divorce because they pin their unhappiness on their
marriage. Of course, if a marriage has a lot of problems, being
unhappy in that marriage is no real shocker!
The seemingly logical conclusion is to the marriage. The per-

son thinks: “I am not unhappy in my marriage, therefore: I must get
out of my marriage to be happy.”
Sounds logical, but is it true? Almost always, the answer is no.

The vast majority of people who divorce find that they remain just as
unhappy, or even more unhappy, after their divorce. Second mar-
riages tend to be even worse than first marriages. Furthermore,
people who have divorced for reasons of unhappiness most often
say they regret getting a divorce.
The reasons are many. First, divorced life comes with many
problems of its own, from poverty and loneliness, to hassles with
custody of children, to unhappiness in an even worse second mar-
riage.
Thus, it makes much more sense to do everything you can to

improve your marriage while you are still married. Divorce is not a
magic wand that makes all unhappy feelings go away. Rather, it is
improving the marriage that will be your best bet in returning to a
happy state of mind.
2. I’m tired of feeling bad
People get divorced because just about all of them never think
rationally about what they’re doing. They’re not being pragmatic, or
logical. Instead, they are letting their feelings dictate what they do.
But isn’t that what a good marriage is all about -- feelings? And
more importantly, feeling good? The answer is no, or at best, using
feelings as your barometer is an incomplete way to make decisions.
Think about it. If we all did just what felt good all the time, we’d
all be in a lot of trouble. Getting drunk or smoking dope can feel

really good for a while. Does that mean we should follow our feel-
ings and get drunk or high whenever we want? Of course not! You
have to add some rational thinking into the mix. You have to tell
yourself: “Sure, it would be fun to get drunk, but that could get me
into a lot of trouble -- a car accident, a fight, a hangover, etc.
If we just allowed ourselves to do what feels good, we would

have sex with the cute guy or girl at the office, and deal with the
problem of what our husband or wife has to say about it later! If we
just followed our feelings, we would go punch our boss in the nose
and tell him exactly what we think of him. But if you stopped and
thought about it first, you would say to yourself: “Hey, if I punch my
boss in the nose, I’ll be fired, lose my steady paycheck, and I may
even get prosecuted for assault!” With rational thinking, you get
your feelings under control before you do something stupid.
Yet, following feelings is strongly encouraged by most marriage

counselors today. The first thing they ask a couple with a troubled
marriages is: “How do you feel about this?” or “How do you feel
when your spouse says this? -- “How does it make you feel when
your spouse does that?” If a person reports strong negative feelings
of unhappiness or despair, the counselor often suggests a separa-
tion or divorce.
Amazingly, most counselors don’t ask the more important

question: “What do you think?” “What do you think when your
spouse does this, and what would be the best reaction to it?” Here’s
an even more important questions counselors should ask: “What do
you think a divorce will do for you?” And: “How will you think your life
will be better after a divorce?”
If you’re unhappy in your marriage, it would seem to make

sense to follow your feelings to end the marriage, but if you stopped
to think about the implications of the action, you might change your
mind. Just as you know that not everything that makes you feel
good is good for you -- such as eating sweets or smoking cigarettes
-- letting your feelings dictate a divorce can be equally ridiculous.
Many people think that using rational thinking and logic is being
cold -- like Mr. Spock on Star Trek. Spock was famous for having no
emotions, and for his cold, aloof attitude. No one likes or wants to be
like that. Thus, they come to the conclusion that feeling emotions is
more important than thinking. But the fact is, to be human is to be
a combination of cool, rational logic, and warm, heartfelt emotions.
We need a balance of the two. Cold logic is an effective check on
emotions that are out of control, while our emotions keep us from
becoming too cold and unfeeling.
Another point: By getting our emotions under control, and forc-

ing ourselves to think more rationally about our partners, we almost
always tend to become more compassionate toward them.
Compassion comes with understanding, and the only way to under-
stand is to think!
If your in the midst of a bad marriage right now, you may be

boiling in a cauldron of swirling emotions. It’s a difficult place to be.
It’s understandable that you want to just get out of this cauldron of
bad feelings and get a divorce. But if you stop and think about it,
you may be only getting out of the cauldron and land in the fire
underneath it!
A bad marriage can be fixed if both couples stop, take a deep

breath, get their emotions under control, and think about it. Think
about all the consequences. Think about the children. Think about
what your life will be like alone. Think about what it will be like back
on the dating scene, and the difficulty of finding a new person whom
you’ll like better. Remember, 60 percent of second marriages end in
divorce. When you keep that in mind -- when you think about it --
divorce may not feel as good as you thought it would.
So remember -- go ahead and confront your feelings. Just

remember, feelings are only half the story. The other half is your
thinking, your common sense, you sense of logic, that guides you
through tough times, and keeps you from doing something you’ll
regret later.
3. I want to punish my spouse
Many people choose divorce as the perfect way to punish a

husband or wife they want to get back at for what they perceive as
all the years of misery they have caused them. If a husband has had
an affair, the wife develops a deep desire to find a way to pay him
back. She may have her own affair, or even better, play the wound-
ed martyr. She’ll position herself as the “good one” who didn’t stray
from the marriage, and then pour on the guilt as thickly as she can.
Even if the man sees the error of his ways and begs to be forgiven,
the woman may retain this week spot she has uncovered whenever
she needs to and use it. A man whose wife had an affair often does
the same thing. The ultimate punishment for an affair is a demand
for a divorce.
But whatever hurt or wound a spouse wants to avenge, recog-

nizing what is going on is the first step in diffusing the situation, and
fixing the situation.
Take a look at yourself and ask yourself: Are you hell-bent on

punishing your spouse for something terrible they did? Most people
don’t realize they’re doing it. They seek all kinds of ways to punish
their spouse, and after a while, the spouse being punished starts
thinking that this is the way it is, and the way it will always be. The
spouse being punished wants out, and seeks a divorce.
Let’s look at this from both sides -- the punisher, and the one
being punished.
The Punisher:
It’s perfectly natural to want to punish someone, especially a

spouse, who has done something wrong and hurtful. Perhaps hav-
ing an affair is the ultimate example of what one spouse can do to
hurt another, although it could be almost anything. The offense
might involve physical abuse, money, lies, stupidity -- you name it.
The spouse who committed the offense certainly deserves some
kind of punishment for what they did, and the other spouse deserves
some satisfaction. That’s true enough.
However, the questions becomes: How long and how hard

should the sinner be punished? At what point does the punishing
stop being productive? How long or how hard does the offender
have to repent and seek forgiveness for what they did? One month?
A year? 10 years? The rest of his or her life?
Even convicted criminals get a limited jail sentence and are

eventually released. Only the worst murderers are executed, and
that’s only in some states. You might say that divorce is equivalent
of the death penalty for a marriage. If one spouse decides that the
punishment must fit the crime, so to speak, they seek the ultimate
punishment -- a divorce.
But will the offended spouse be happy after they have delivered
punishment, or the ultimate punishment, a divorce? The simple fact
is, most of the time the answer is no. Just because someone does
something terribly wrong, and has hurt your feelings badly, does that
mean that you have stopped loving that person. You will go on lov-
ing them even after they betray you or hurt you in some way. But if
you get stuck on the crime, and refuse to forget it, rather than for-
give, then you yourself are stuck as well.
That’s because there has been no resolution. The purpose of

punishment is to correct bad behavior so that it doesn’t happen

again. But after that, even more punishment starts losing its value
right away. By refusing to let go of your desire to go on punishing
your spouse, you are not doing anything productive, and in reality,
you are actually punishing yourself.
You are punishing yourself because you are blocking yourself

from your own love -- the love you still have for your spouse. When
you block that love and continue to punish, a conflict develops deep
in your mind, most often subconsciously. The conflict is this: “I real-
ly want to go back to loving this person, but I can’t because I have
to keep on hurting him or her the way they hurt me.”
This conflict is like acid to your soul and heart. Your punishing
behavior has long since lost its original value, and now is only eat-
ing you up, little by little, inside. And rather than making your
spouse a better person, ongoing punishment will only make them
worse. The punished spouse will build a deep resentment. They’ll
think: “How long do I have to go on paying for my screw up?” They
may start fighting back, or worse, they’ll go ahead and commit the
original crime again. Why? Because they’ll think: “I’m getting pun-
ished for this anyway, so why not do it?”
Thus, the punisher must recognize what he or she is doing, and

must take a step back and think about what purpose it’s serving.
The only way for the punisher to get beyond the pain of how they
have been hurt is to eventually forgive the other person, rather than
go on punishing. Only through forgiveness can the punisher get free
of the pain that makes them want to keep punishing.
NOTE: The subject of forgiveness is so important, I’ll cover it in

a separate chapter. See Chapter 18.
But now let’s look at the person who is being punished.

The punished person knows he or she did something terrible,

and they almost certainly feel terrible about it. If they didn’t feel ter-
rible, they wouldn’t stick around in the marriage to put up with all the
punishment. They also will most likely lay down and let the person
they hurt tramp all over them with a divorce, even though they may
not want a divorce. The punished person will think: “I don’t deserve
to be married to him or her after what I have done.”
Another thing is also almost certain: The person who made a

mistake is probably beating up on themselves much harder than the
punisher could ever match. Very often, the person being punished
will get addicted to being punished because they think they deserve
it. The result is an unholy alliance between punisher and the pun-
ished. They both play the punishment game, each accepting their
role and playing them out on and on, until one or both of them final-
ly get sick of it and opt for a divorce.
But the person being punished must also decide when they
have had enough, and let go of the need to be punished. They have
to understand that they deserve to be forgiven at some point, and
they have to accept forgiveness. To accept forgiveness, you must
first forgive yourself. Everybody makes mistakes, everyone is weak
or stupid or cruel at some time, and everybody deserves to be for-
given for it, especially if they have learned their lesson and want to
go on as a better person who has learned from the mistake he or
she made.
Think about what the world would be like if no one was ever for-
given for the bad things they did. What would the world be like?
We’ll tell you: the world as we know it would come to an end. That’s
because every single person on the planet screws up sometime,
and if none of us were ever forgiven by those around us, we’d all be
living in some kind of personal hell, detached from each other, end-
lessly locked in a world of righteous indignation, recriminations and
bad feelings for our fellow human beings.
Making mistakes and being forgiven for them, and forgiving

others for their mistakes, is a fundamental element of life. Thus,
sentencing a marriage to death by divorce is simply not a good solu-
tion that vast majority of the time. it doesn’t make any sense.
4. I’m tired of working on my marriage
This is one of the most common reasons cited for divorce.

We’ve all been taught, and it seems common knowledge, that a mar-
riage “must be worked on” to keep it going strong. The problem is
that people start to focus on this idea and start taking it too serious-
ly. It might be true that a marriage takes work, but do we have to
dwell on this fact to the exclusion of all else? A marriage takes play,
too, doesn’t it? Many people who want a divorce claim the work out-
weighs the benefits, so they want out. They have bought the idea
that marriages take work and sold it to themselves too seriously.
Let’s compare a marriage to a garden. If you want beautiful

flowers or a bountiful crop of vegetables, you have to invest some
sweat into pulling the weeds, tilling the soil, watering, applying fertil-
izer, taking care of pests and plant diseases. If you stop working on
your garden, the flowers will eventually be choked by weeds, eaten
by bugs, or dry up for lack of water.
It’s a pretty good analogy. A marriage needs attention, or it will

go the way of an untended garden. The real problems, however, is
not the work itself, but when married people start focusing on the
work, rather than on the harvest. The marriage starts to seem like all
work, and no payoff. They say: “The more I put into this marriage,
the less I seem to get out of it.”
But more often than not, this is merely an illusion. When a per-
son starts to feel this way, they are focusing on negatives, and not
on positives. When they do this, the negatives start gathering

strength, and then start requiring even more work. It’s a vicious
cycle that builds on itself.
The solution is to stop thinking about all the work you put into
the marriage, and start focusing on the positives -- at what you are
getting back out of your marriage. This takes some work. Most like-
ly, a person who has fallen into the negative thinking rut has devel-
oped it into a habit. A habit is anything that a person repeats often
enough so that it becomes automatic, and then it becomes difficult
to stop. The first task in breaking a habit is to recognize it and see
it for what it is. Then you can gather your will power and force your-
self to break the habit. It’s tough at first, but once a habit is broken,
you get total power over it, and you’re free again.
Get in the habit of watching your own behavior and your own
thoughts. Every time you catch yourself thinking about the work
you’re putting into your marriage, stop yourself and replace it with
something positive -- think about what that work gets for you. At
first, you may not see anything -- but that’s the way it is with a gar-
den, too. If every gardener expected immediate results after plant-
ing their seeds in the spring, there would soon be no gardeners left!
But look at how many people love to garden. they don’t see all the
weed pulling and tending as work -- they enjoy the process. Tending
a garden is relaxing and puts us in touch with the soil, the earth and
the outdoors. We all know it takes weeks to months before we can
pick the fruit or enjoy the flowers, but that’s only part of the picture.
Gardeners know their seeds need time to grow. They don’t dwell on
the work. They keep their eye on the payoff down the road, and they
enjoy themselves along the way.
It’s the same with a marriage. Yes, it takes work, but that work
isn’t all that unpleasant. Remember that if you have developed the
habit of dwelling on the work, you aren’t going to be able to turn
around this situation over night. You have to shift your thinking,
strive to be positive, and then wait for your change of attitude to bear
fruit. On the other hand, even the first few days of your switch to
looking for positives may start to bear results. It’s amazing how a
simple change in attitude can change the entire world around you.
Someone once said: “The best way to change the world is to
change yourself.” That’s true of a marriage as well. The best way to
make a marriage happier is to change yourself first, and then watch
your spouse start to change along with you for the better, and auto-
matically.
Yes, a marriage may take work, but always remember the gar-
dener. With patience and by keeping your eye on the harvest to
come, the work will start to seem less like work, and more like a
labor of love, which is truly is.
5. I’m not good enough for my spouse
An amazing number of people use this excuse to opt for a

divorce. Somehow, someway, they have developed the idea that
they inferior to the person they are married to, and they would be
doing their spouse a favor if they cut them loose with a divorce.
This is a ridiculous idea, and most often, it’s probably a thinly

veiled excuse for a person who wants out of the marriage for other
reasons. Deep down inside, they don’t really feel they’re not good
enough for their spouse. They want to be free for other reasons,
whatever those reason might be. But they feel guilty about their own
feelings, so they start telling themselves that they are unworthy in
some way. They tell it to themselves so often, the actually start to
believe it, and they start acting in a way that fulfills the idea.
Is any person really better than another, or more deserving to

be married? Well, that’s simply a very tough proposition to sell. The
fact is, every person on the planet is flawed in some way. No one is
perfect. Some people are less perfect than others, true, but that’s
still a very shaky theory.
If you are so flawed that you no longer deserve to be married

to the person who agreed to become your husband or wife, how did
it happen in the first place? To this, many people say: “I tricked my
husband or wife into thinking that I was a better person than I am.”
Again, an amazing amount of people believe this to be true. but
again, it’s an extremely dubious idea, and almost always, without
merit.
People who feel inadequate have convinced themselves that

they are somehow leading a fraudulent life. It not only true of mar-
ried life, but also in other areas of life, such as employment. Many
people feel that they are sort of faking their way through the job they
have, and sooner or later, they’re going to be fired for incompetence.
But the fact is, just about everybody feels this way some of the time,
and it’s mostly an illusion.
The bottom line is, if you’re married to someone, you deserve

to be married to that person, for better and for worse. Nobody is the
perfect mate, but that doesn’t mean they all have to get a divorce!
6. All my friends, family, counselor, and others, are urging

me to get a divorce.
It’s extremely common for those who love you to urge you to
get a divorce. Why? Because all these people are honestly trying
to help you, but their judgement cannot be trusted.
Why Not? Here’s why not: When a person is having problems

in a marriage, they naturally seek out friends or relatives and tell
them what is going wrong in the marriage. Because the person is
having a very tough time in the marriage, he or she is going to paint
a very bleak picture for the person he is telling his or her story to.
The helpful friend will also be getting only one side of the story.
Thus, it’s only natural for a friend or family member who loves
you to suggest you get a divorce. They have heard about how
unhappy you are, and they just want you to be happy again. From
their vantage point, a divorce is a quick fix that will solve everything.
But it’s easy for them to suggest divorce because they are not the
ones who have to get an attorney, engage in a custody fight over
children and property, adjust to a life of being alone and single after
a divorce, and all the rest. If you turned the tables on them and had
them contemplate all the difficult aspects of divorce as if they were
facing it themselves, they might think twice about suggesting divorce
as an “easy” solution.
Your family and friends are also trying to make themselves feel
better. They don’t like seeing you so sad and torn. They think a
divorce will end your problems, and then they’ll feel better. But you
must remember -- this is your life, not theirs! It’s just too easy for
others to look at us and make suggestions, because those other
people will never have to face any of the consequences if they are
wrong.
Professional marriage counselors and therapists often are too

quick to suggest divorce as well. Why? Well, they may be thera-
pists, but they’re people too. As such, they want the same thing for
you as everyone else who is on your side. They just want you to feel
better. Also, most therapists are influenced by what has happened
in their own lives, and also by what kind of marriage their parents
had. In fact, many people choose a career in marriage counseling
because they were the children of divorced parents! There chosen
career as marriage counselors is a subconscious attempt to resolve
their own traumas that resulted from divorce. Very often, their
advice is skewed by their own negative experiences with a bad mar-
riage, and thus they become to eager for you to get out of your mar-
riage, too.
Thus, the decision to divorce belongs between you and your

spouse, and no one else. You are the ones who are going to have
to live with the consequences of your decision. No matter how well
meaning your friends and family and therapists are, they simply are
not in a position to recommend anything to you.
7. I Want to Stop Being Depressed, Or, I’m Too Depressed

to Fight Anymore
Depression is often blamed on a bad marriage, and certainly, a

bad marriage can be very depressing. But does that mean divorce
is the answer? Of course not. Rather, the answer is to improve the
marriage! If the marriage gets better, there will be nothing left to be
depressed about, right? Right.
But some people make the claim that they are too depressed
to work on making the marriage better, thus, a divorce is necessary.
It’s a nice theory, but how much truth is behind it? Very little. People
who are divorced most often report that depression gets worse after
the divorce, not better. The reasons are obvious: Life after divorce
tends to be much more difficult. There are even more problems, not
fewer, after a divorce. There’s more loneliness, child custody prob-
lems, money problems, housing problems, job problems, and all the
rest. When people get divorced, they simply trade one set of prob-
lems for others, and those other problems tend to be worse.
Also, what is the No. 1 cause of depression in America today?

It’s loneliness. In fact, loneliness is a huge problem for millions of
people in today’s divorce-happy society. Get a load of these statis-
tics on loneliness as it compares to divorced and married people:
Married people -- 4.6 percent are lonely
Never married people -- 14.5 percent are lonely
Divorced people -- 20.4 percent are lonely
Widowed people -- 20.6 percent are lonely
Separated people -- 29.6 percent are lonely
This is based on a study which tool a random sampling of 8,600

adults. So it’s clear that life after divorce is far more lonely that mar-
ried life, and thus, much more highly conducive to depression.
If you want to fight depression, don’t get divorced! Fix the mar-
riage instead, and you stand a better chance of beating depression!
• The most common excuses for wanting a divorce are false.
• People who get divorced are more depressed than people

who fix their marriages.
• Forgiveness is essential in fixing a marriage.
• The advice of friends, family, and therapists to divorce cannot

be trusted.
• Everyone deserves to be married; Everyone is worthy, even if

they are flawed.
• Unhappy marriages can be made happy again.

11 CHAPTER 11
USE THESE 17 SIMPLE WORDS, AND YOU CAN STOP
YOUR DIVORCE DEAD IN ITS TRACKS!
Believe it or not -- but you would be smarter to believe it -- I can

tell you about 17 simple words that work so well to save marriages
that are on the edge of divorce, you can literally save thousands of
dollars in counseling costs, and best of all, stop your divorce dead in
it’s tracks.
How did I discover these 17 amazing words? Well, when you

spend as many years as I have fixing marriages, you start seeing
patterns. It’s amazing how many people are getting caught up in
the same situations over and over again, when they could easily get
right back on track with very little effort.
I discovered my 17 words when a man called me on the phone

one day to make an appointment to come in and talk about his mar-
riage, which was on the rocks. Since I have him on the phone, I ask
him what’s going on.
The man tells me that his wife has been telling him for about
two months now that she doesn’t love him anymore. They’ve been
married for more than seven years. The first five years were terrif-
ic, but in the last two years, things started going downhill. But now
his wife says the marriage is broken beyond repair, and she wants a
divorce. He tried to plead with her, and begged her not to stop talk-
ing about divorce. Of course, I could have told him right there that
begging and pleading never makes a person change their mind
once they are dead set on a divorce. It only makes things worse.
I told the man: “Here’s what I want you to do. The next time
your wife asks you for a divorce, just stay calm and in a very sooth-
ing tone of voice, say these 17 words to her. Make sure you say
them exactly as I give them to you.”
I told the man to get a pen and a piece of paper to write them
down to make sure he got it right. He did so, but he also was skep-
tical. He said he had tried everything, and that he didn’t believe my
17-word remedy would do a lick of good. I told him, however, that
he didn’t have a thing to lose at this point, and if my 17 words didn’t
work, he could call me back and we would try Plan B, whatever that
was.
So the guy hangs up, and just three days later, he calls me
back. I could tell right away by the happy tone of his voice that my
magical 17-word did the trick. He said: “You must be some kind of
miracle worker! I gave my wife the 17 words just like you told me,
and she instantly shut-up about a divorce. In fact, now she wants to
work things out. I can’t thank you enough. Tell me how much I owe
you. I don’t care what your bill is, I’ll pay it.”
Well, since I only talked to the guy for about 15 minutes, I sent
him a bill for 50 bucks. But I bet by now you’re dying to know what
the 17 word are that saved his marriage instantly. Here they are:
When she asked for a divorce, he said in a calm soothing voice:
“Honey, I want our marriage to work. But you’re right, it’s not
working. I’ll help you move out.”
That’s it! Why did these words work so well. They worked
because it helped this man stop doing what was not working --
resisting, begging, pleading to get his wife to change her mind. This
only challenged her more strongly to get her way. But when he said
the 17 words, he became like a slender palm tree in a hurricane.
When the terrible wind blew against him, he simply let himself sway
backwards, but not break, and then bounce back. These words
gave her the impression that he was not going to fight anymore
about anything. He had given her a total psychological victory.
Suddenly, there was no more satisfaction in her demand for a
divorce. In effect, he also called her bluff. Now that he had agreed
to a divorce, all the tough work of what is involved in the divorce
landed on her shoulders. She was facing the prospect of living
alone, of going through the legal matters of a divorce -- there was
nothing in between her and all of this agonizing stuff.
Also, by using these 17 words, the man was clearly indicating

that he was taking responsibility for whatever went wrong with the
marriage. He said: “You’re right.” I wonder how many men and
women are simply starved to hear those two precious words from
their mates. Instead of having an argument over everything, to be
simply told you are right can have a wonderful healing effect. If more
people would agree more often in their marriages, even when they
don’t want to, there would be a lot fewer divorces, believe me. If
more husbands and wives heard those two magic words: “You’re
right,” the subject of divorce would come up a whole lot less.
So try my 17 words -- “Honey, I want our marriage to work. But

you’re right, it’s not working. I’ll help you move out.” -- What have
you got to lose? It will cost you nothing, and it may just save your
marriage -- and do it right away.
• Never try to fight a divorce directly. Use passive resistance.
• If your partner asks for a divorce, tell him/her that you agree.
• The more you try to resist a divorce, the more strength you
give to it.
12 CHAPTER 12
STOP BEING NEEDY!
Do you want to be under constant pressure from your spouse

to fulfill his or her every demand and need? In return, do you think
it’s fair to pressure your spouse to fulfill your every need? Of course,
the answer to both questions is no.
Yet, tens of thousands of husbands and wives are in the

process right now of pressuring, demanding, using, begging, and
manipulating each other so that their own needs can be fulfilled.
And as soon as a need gets fulfilled, another demand, or several
others quickly take its place, so the pressuring has to continue.
Then after a couple of days, the original need that was fulfilled runs
out like a tank of gas from a car and has to be fulfilled all over again.
If it does not get fulfilled again automatically, it’s time for another
round of pressuring, demanding, pleading, threatening and manipu-
lating until the need gets fulfilled again.
And it goes on and on. Eventually, the spouse gets sucked dry.
He or she began to see the other as the classic “bottomless pit of
needs.” The spouse feels the constant pressure, the constant

demand. He or she begins to feel suffocated, or trapped or cor-
nered. No matter how much the person gives, it’s never enough
because the other will always want more.
You know what one of the most ugly and marriage ruining
phrases of all time is? It’s this: “But what about my needs?”
Let’s talk a bit about what needs and wants are, what we do to
get them, and how we feel afterward.
The most important truth about needs is this: Wanting them is

better that having them! Let’s say a man wants a sports car very
badly. For a long time he is unable to have what he thinks he needs
because they can’t afford it. All the while, the need eats away at the
man, and he does everything he can to get that sports car. Then the
day finally arrives. He has finally scraped together enough cash to
buy the car. At first, he is very happy. He loves your new car! It’s
a nice feeling.
But soon, the feeling begins to fade. Once he has the car, he
sooner or later starts taking the car for granted. He’s still glad to
have it, sure, but the realization creeps up on him that owning the
car has not really made him as happy as he thought it would.
Having the new expensive toy has not made any of his same old
problems go away. He still has to go to the same job, he still has all
of his old problems -- and the new car has created some new prob-
lems of its own. He needs to pay higher insurance premiums. He
has five years of payments to struggle with. The car starts wearing
out, and needs expensive repairs. He even becomes bored with it.
Sooner or later, the sports car stops fulfilling the man, and he starts
developing a new need -- maybe for a new sports car, or a different
car.
Eventually he will come to the realization -- having the sports

car was not all as great as he through it might be.

How many times have you bought something you felt you real-
ly needed, only to find out that you hardly ever used the thing, and
you could have easily done without it? If you are like everybody
else, you have had this experience dozens of times.
The point of all this is: That which you firmly believe you need
is seldom what you really need. The fact is, there are only a few
things in life that you really need to maintain your existence, and just
about everything else is pure gravy, pure luxury. Luxuries are nice,
sure, but they are expendable. They are not needs.
The legendary psychologist Abraham Maslow articulated this

phenomenon well with what he called a “hierarchy of needs.”
Maslow created an illustration of this hierarchy of needs with a
pyramid that had the most basic needs of human beings on the bot-
tom, and the more abstract needs at the top. At the bottom of the
pyramid were all the things humans cannot live without -- food, shel-
ter, water -- without these things, a person would soon die. Those
are real solid needs. Until you have them, you can’t possible start
wanting other things just a little less important, those things higher
on the pyramid.
Next up the pyramid of needs are things like safety and securi-
ty. If you have enough to eat and drink, you’ll live for a while, but if
you aren’t safe from wild animals, criminals or other predators, you
may not live very long. So these secondary needs are almost as
important as getting something to eat.
The third tier of the pyramid are social needs. Once you have
food, shelter, and security, you can start forming social organizations
that make life more easy and fair. For example, you need some sys-
tem of government, or at least some kind of way to organize people.
Without it you have anarchy and chaos.
The fourth tier is ego needs. After you have all of the above,
you can start worrying about things like love, prestige, satisfaction,
art, companionship and so on.
At the very top of Maslow’s pyramid are spiritual needs.
But here’s the point: The only thing you really, absolutely must
have to stay alive are those items on the bottom tier -- food and
water. Shelter and security are a close second, but you might do
okay even with these. The third need, social organization will start
to make life more easy and organized, but you don’t need it to live.
In other words, it’s possible to live without it. Still further up are ego
needs -- and you absolutely can do without any ego needs and still
live a long and productive life.
In a bad marriage, couples become fixated on what they think

they need, and that they must have them, or they will go insane or
die.
It’s hogwash!
Does everyone have a need to be loved? Maybe, but is this a

need or a desire? The fact is, it’s a desire and not a need. But you
might even argue that love is almost as important as food. That
might be true enough. For example, scientific studies have shown
that orphans who do not get enough love from their caretakers tend
to get sick a lot quicker, grow less robustly and do more poorly in
life.
But in a marriage, people who think they are not getting love
are usually mistaking other things for true love. For example, a wife
might say: “If he really loved me, he would spend all (or a lot more)
of his spare time with me.” In this case, the wife has mistaken con-
stant attention from the husband as love. Every time the husband
spends an evening bowling with his buddies, the wife has conclud-
ed that love has been withdrawn from her.
But just because a man goes bowling does not mean he has
stopped loving his wife. On the contrary, a man has a right to seek
other kinds of love, such as the friendship of his pals. That’s love,
too.
Or a man might say, “If my wife really wants me to stay inter-

ested in her, she’d lose weight and dress more sexy more often. I
need her to look good to stay sexually interested in her.”
But just because a woman is not maintaining the figure of a

Hollywood movie star does not mean she is no longer interested in
her husband’s attention. Just the opposite is probably true. A hus-
band’s DESIRE for a movie star quality wife is not a NEED. It’s a
wish, a desire, a luxury.
What we see over and over again is a false sense of need. But
even more problematic is the extreme sense of false desire both
husband and wife have placed on what they think they need. Does
a man or a woman NEED to be loved in the way they WANT to be
loved in order to survive? Absolutely not! The only thing human
beings truly need to survive is food, water, shelter and security. All
else beyond that is pure luxury! Yet, people act as if they don’t get
what they think they need from their spouse, their only recourse is
to get rid of the spouse through divorce, and find someone else who
will give them what they need.
When a person starts feeling they are not getting what they
need from their husband or wife, that person starts nagging,
demanding, pressuring the other to deliver the goods -- or else!
Sadly, it’s all just one big illusion. The problem is that, as human
beings living in a modern society, we have all become spoiled rot-
ten in terms of our demands and what we think we need to live.
Both the husband and the wife in a troubled marriage must take
a step back and look at what is really important in life. If you think
about it, you already not only have everything you need to live a long
and healthy life -- you have 10, 20 -- or even a 100 times more than
you need! You most likely already have more food than you need.
You probably waste and throw out more food than most of the starv-
ing people in other parts of the world would sell their souls to have.
You have a comfortable house, cars, TV, air conditioning, central
heating, scented candles, art hanging on the walls, toys, games,
computers, knick-knacks, exercise machines -- an ocean of stuff! --
not one iota of it is needed for survival! Today, 98 percent of every-
thing we have is luxury. But because we are so drowned in junk of
all kinds, we think that we still need more, and we usually demand
that extra stuff from the people we live with.
But again, we have been conditioned to think that things like

attention, body weight, habits, amount of sex and everything else
are things we need. They are not needs. They are luxuries.
If you have a bad marriage, it’s almost a certainty that you are
disgusted over not getting what you think you need from your
spouse, when in fact, you don’t really need any of those things. And
the more you demand and pressure your spouse to fork over those
things you think you need from him or her, the more they are going
to feel used up, empty and incapable of ever pleasing you. So
instead of getting your desires fulfilled, you start getting even less
and less. Your spouse starts to crack under the pressure of your
constant demands, and sooner or later, he or she wants out!
So here’s the solution: Stop demanding all of those things

which you do not really need. Then do just the opposite: Start being
grateful for everything that you have -- because you ALREADY
HAVE MORE THAN YOU NEED!
When you stop obsessing on those needs you think are not
being fulfilled, and start being grateful for what you have, you may
be surprised at how much you are actually getting -- including what

you’re getting from your spouse.
Furthermore, if you think divorce is the magical solution to get-
ting your needs met, just how do you think that’s going to work?
Most people have LESS after a divorce, and not more! Before the
divorce, you feel you have a spouse who is not meeting your emo-
tional needs. But after a divorce, you have no spouse at all! How
do you gain by that! You might say: “I’ll find another husband or wife
who will be more generous about fulfilling my needs.” The chances
of this, however, are down right terrible! Second marriages break up
way more often than first marriages. You may get what you think
you need from a second partner for a while, but sooner or later, the
same old patterns are likely to emerge, and you’ll be back to where
you started from.
So do you want to stop your divorce? Then ease up on your
demands! You’ll find that you don’t have to give up everything when
you stop demanding. And because you have released your spouse
from all the pressure, you’ll automatically start getting more than you
ever expected.
• Most people mistake DESIRES for NEEDS. There’s a big dif-

ference!
• The more you pressure your spouse to get what you need, the
more you drive him or her away.
• Wanting always seems better than having. Once you get

what you want, you’ll soon want something else, or realize that what
you wanted wasn’t all that great to begin with.
• Divorce almost never gets you what you think you need. Most
often you get just the opposite -- less of what you need!
13 CHAPTER 13
THESE TWO MAGIC DIVORCE STOPPING SEN-

TENCES
What would you say if I could give you two simple sentences
that would magically stop all arguments between you and your
mate? Furthermore, what if these two simple sentences would
instantly make your partner listen to you, feel good about you, and
start agreeing with you right away?
You would like that, right? If you knew what these two sen-
tences are, you would put them to use in your relationship right
away, wouldn’t you? Of course you would! So here they are, the
two magic phrases that may be all you need to totally repair your
relationship, and solve just about any problem:
“Honey, I don’t blame you one bit for feeling like you do. If I
were in your shoes, I would feel exactly the same as you.”
That’s it! I guarantee you -- and I mean guarantee! -- that these

two sentences will work magic on your relationship, if you have the
guts and the courage to use them no matter what.
Listen, this example came from a man whom I was helping to

get back together with his wife. This particular man, I’ll call him
Larry, was separated from his wife, and she wanted a divorce. Once
in a while they would speak by telephone -- they rarely wanted to
see each other in person -- but even their telephone conversations
always ended up in very bitter arguments.
The problem, Larry said, was that his wife was always criticiz-
ing him for something, blaming him for something, or telling him
what was wrong about his personality. Of course, Larry automati-
cally defended himself. But when he did, she only shot back with
more. Before long, they were eating each other alive. Every tele-
phone conversation ended up the same way -- they hung up, after
spewing gallons of venom at each other. Things were always worse
than before they talked.
So I said to Larry: “Look, Larry, you want to get back together

with your wife, right?”
He said: “Yeah, despite everything, I still love her. I must be

crazy, but I do love her.”
I said: “Okay then, here’s what you have to do. I’m going to
give you two magic sentences. Every time your wife blames you for
something, or tells you what you’re doing wrong -- I don’t care what
it is -- just say these two sentences to her, and then shut up and lis-
ten to her reply. Are you willing to try this?”
Larry was desperate, so he said, “Okay, I guess.”
I said: “Good. I want you to say, ‘Honey, I don’t blame you one
bit for feeling like you do. If I were in your shoes, I would feel exact-
ly the same as you.’ ”
Larry promised me that he would do this, so the session ended,
and I didn’t hear anything from him for another week. But then sud-
denly Larry calls me up, and I could immediately hear the excitement
in his voice. He said:
“Mr. Greenleaf! My wife has agreed to come back to me! She’s

moving back in tomorrow. I never thought this would be possible
before. I just can’t believe how well those two phrases you gave me
worked! I just used them over and over again, and my wife told me
she couldn’t believe how much I had changed. But I didn’t change
anything! I just used your magic phrases!”
How did it work? What did these simple phrases do that turned
everything around for Larry and his seemingly broke-beyond-repair
marriage? Well, it’s no big mystery, but people treat it like it is. All
these two phrases do is make an angry person feel like they are
being heard and listened to. Instead of having everything thrown
back in their faces all the time, they get the feeling like the other per-
son really cares bout how they feel. The importance of this cannot
be underestimated. By simply listening, and indicating you under-
stand the other person’s feelings and point of view, you diffuse the
situation, and the other person starts feeling good about you. They
may even start taking your side.
Here’s another example:
Margy’s husband Tom had a hobby that was driving her crazy.
Tom, like many men, was a football fanatic. His favorite team was
the Minnesota Vikings. This was not so bad in itself, but what Tom
was doing was buying all kinds of Viking football team posters,
knick-knacks, souvenirs, and such -- and he insisted on putting them
up in the living room. Now Margy didn’t care to have her living room
looking more like a teen-age boy’s bedroom, festooned everywhere
with football posters, and such. What woman would!
So she started to harp on Tom about getting the stuff out of

there. But Tom and Margy had a fairly small home, and they didn’t
have a den, a basement, or recreation room where Tom could put
his stuff, and enjoy it in his own personal space. So whenever she
complained about his football junk, he got defensive and said this
was his true love, and he needed to have this stuff to be happy in his
own home.
Tom and Margy bickered a lot about other things as well, which
is why they had come to see me for some marriage counseling. After
seeing them just once, the Vikings football stuff came up right away,
and I saw a place I got could get started to fix this marriage. After
talking with them both, I asked to speak with Margy alone for a few
minutes. When Tom left, I told Margy that she should try using a
variation on my two magic phrases the next time she confronted
Tom about his collection. The next time Tom objected to removing
his football junk from the living room, I told Margy to say:
“Tom, I can really understand how you feel about your collec-
tion. If I loved the Vikings as much as you did, I’m sure I would feel
the very same way about having all this stuff.”
That’s it. At first, Margy thought I was crazy. She thought I was
just telling her to give up and let Tom have his way, and she wasn’t
about to do that.
“Trust me,” I said. “Just give it a try, and if it doesn’t work, we’ll
go to Plan B.” I didn’t tell her I didn’t have a Plan B, but I thought I
would just wait and see what happened.
Five days later, Margy called me up and told me Tom had

removed every last one of his football collection items from the liv-
ing room, and set them up in the garage. I asked her, “How did it
happen?”
Margy said: “I used the exact wording you told me to use. I
told Tom I understood how important his collection was to him, and
that I might feel the same if I was such a big Vikings fan. Tom just
stared blankly at me, and we didn’t talk about it anymore. The next
day, he tells me he’s going to move all his stuff to the garage, and
that was it!”
Of course, I wasn’t surprised. When Margy stopped attacking

what Tom loved, he started to feel like he didn’t have to defend his
position anymore. Before Margy used my magic phrases, Tom
reacted to Margy’s complaints by buying even more football stuff. It
was his way of trying to get his point across even stronger. But
when Margy removed the threat he had perceived, he felt safe to put
his collection in the garage, knowing the next stop would be the
trash bin, which is what he thought Margy’s ultimate goal was for his
stuff.
After Tom and Margy successfully resolved this minor problem,

most of their other problems seemed minor, too. Margy began using
the magic phrases in other situations, and it always worked.
Why don’t you try these two phrases too when you can’t get
your spouse to see things your way, or when you want them to
change some behavior or habit that you don’t like. It won’t cost you
anything, and it may just stop a minor problem from turning into a
major problem in your relationship.
• Most people very badly want to be understood, and know that

their partner understands them. When you show them that you do,
they’ll become more reasonable.
• Threatening your partner is a very bad idea, and almost never

gets you what you want.
14 CHAPTER 14
COMMON MARRIAGE PROBLEMS AND HOW TO

SOLVE THEM
“I believe a good relationship is a lot like two rocks with rough

edges that are in a bag together. Over time as they come into
repeated contact, bumping into one another, chips are knocked off
each of them, rough edges are smoothed out. Eventually you get
two pretty smooth stones with polished surfaces, but it does take a
while.”
From “Going the Distance”
-- Lonnie Barbach and David Geisinger
Now let’s look at the common problems that seem to affect so

many marriages. But problems are not really problems unless you
let them be. Problems are actually challenges and opportunities. It’s
a matter of approaching them that way. Let’s start with an extreme-
ly common complaint in marriages:
1. My In-Laws Are Ruining My Marriage
One of the most common problems in a marriage is a mother-

in-law or father-in-law that interferes with the married couple. Many
parents just can’t stand the idea of their “little baby” getting married
and going off to live with someone else. Many parents, no matter
how old their child gets, continue to think of them as their “baby.”
The result is that they try to sabotage your marriage. They try to turn
your spouse against you. When it seems to be working, what do you
do?
The biggest problem with this situation is not the meddling in-
laws, but the person’s reaction to them. When a mother-in-law does
not like her son-in-law, the son-in-law almost always gets very pes-
simistic. He starts acting like a victim. He starts whining to his wife
about how her mother hates him and is trying to come between
them. But when he does this, he is only helping the meddling moth-
er-in-law along. When he starts becoming a whiner, the mother-in-
law will seize upon this and say to her daughter: “See, I told you he
was just a negative person!” He is playing right into her hands.
Instead of being pessimistic and acting like a victim, take a

more optimistic approach and form a strategy to win the meddling
mother-in-law over. Also, no one can make us a victim. We can only
make ourselves victims. When we whine and complain about a
mother-in-law that is picking on us, we are saying: This big bad
mother-in-law has power over me!”
Nobody has power over you unless you give it to them. The
best way to handle the criticism of your mother-in-law is to stand
your ground, don’t complain about it, and win that person over to
your side. How do you do that? There are so many good ways,
there isn’t enough pages in this book to list them all, but let’s just talk
about a couple.
First of all, you mother-in-law is a human being, no matter how

much you would like to think otherwise. You must first acknowledge
that. She is not your enemy. She is simply doing what she does out
of some need of her own, whatever it is. You don’t care about that.
You only want her to like you.
The great philosopher William James said: “The deepest prin-

ciple in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” This goes
double for a mother-in-law who feels she has lost her baby to you.
Thus, your goal is to make your mother-in-law feel appreciated. The
way you do that is to tell her or show her you need and value her
opinion, advice, help, or whatever.
Ask your mother-in-law: “I need to buy a really great gift for

your daughter for our anniversary. I never can seem to find the right
thing, but I know you’re closer to your daughter than anybody. Can
you help me find just the right gift?”
The effect of this will be powerful. First, you are indicating that
you value your mother-in-law’s opinion. Few human beings can
resist this kind of praise and not be affected by it. Second, you are
aligning your goals with her -- the protection of her daughter. There
is no way the mother-in-law can refuse your request, and she prob-
ably won’t want to. She wants to feel important and involved. Make
her feel that way, and you’ll win her over. After you do, she’ll stop
attacking you, and start liking you.
Another suggestion comes from Ben Franklin. In his autobiog-

raphy, Franklin said one of the best way to win over a person who
doesn’t like you is to ask that person for help with something. In
Franklin’s case, there was another person in a government person
who was a major critic of Franklin. Rather than confront him,
Franklin asked the man if he could borrow one of his books. The
man was surprised because he thought Franklin should hate him
after all the nasty things he said about him in public. But the man
lent him the book, and Franklin read it and returned it with a note of
thanks. Just that little act was enough to win the man over. It
sounds incredibly simple, but it often is that simple.
The bottom line is, you can win over your in-laws, and when
you do, your problems with them will go away.
2. Our Children From Our Previous Marriages Hate Us
Many people find themselves married to people who have a

child or children from a previous marriage or relationship.
Sometimes both husband and wife bring their own children into a
new marriage. Almost always, friction results. In fact, this can be
one of the most difficult and explosive situations for a married cou-
ple to handle.
But this situation is actually very similar to the one we just

talked about above. In both cases, it is a person or people from the
other side of the family that are causing problems. The solution is
the same. Each spouse must win over the love and affection of the
other’s children. The last thing you should do is take a pessimistic
approach and buy into all the natural friction that sets up between
the members of two different families that have been thrown in
together.
Think of it from the children’s perspective. They want their orig-

inal parents to be back together. They don’t care for mom or dad’s
new spouse. They will be filled with resentment, and like a meddling
mother or father-in-law, they will try to do things that will derail the
marriage. The best solution is to win the children of your spouse
over to your side and get them to like you. You do that by making
them feel important and wanted. You ask them for their help. You
value their opinions. You give them compliments. No one can hate
a person who likes them for long -- but you have to like them! even
if you don’t feel like it. Acting as if -- as we discussed earlier in this
book -- is one excellent way to get that done. If you think your wife’s
child is a brat, act as if the kid is not a brat anyway. Sooner or later,
the child will stop being a brat in your mind, or the child will stop
being a brat in reality.
When disputes arise between the children, it’s natural for each
parent to stick up for his or her own child. The result is that the par-
ents become pitted against each other. This is the old divide and
conquer strategy. The children may actively want to sabotage the
marriage they have never been in favor of in the first place. So they
know if they fight, they can get mom and dad fighting, too. Don’t rise
to the bait! Remind yourself: “I will not be a victim of this divide and
conquer strategy!” Rather, make it your positive goal to work out
problems in a way that bring everyone together. But the sooner you
win over your spouse’s children, the less reason they will have to
play games with you, and try to get rid of you.
3. My Spouse is Jealous of My Children
Here again we have the same situation, but with different char-
acters playing the parts. This time it is one of the parents trying to
sabotage a relationship because he or she does not like some mem-
ber of the other’s family. If your spouse is jealous of your child, well
fine, let her be jealous. Tell her you understand completely. Don’t
try to argue with her, or brainwash her into liking your child. It just
won’t work. Rather, just love her for being wrong. You can reassure
her that you love her just as much as the child. It’s up to her to
believe you or not. But you can’t force her to believe you.
Many times, this situation leads quickly to divorce. One spouse

will say to the other: “It’s either me or your child. One of us has to
leave, or this marriage is over.” How should you respond to this ulti-
matum? By simply agreeing with your spouse. Say, “If you think you
want to move out, I respect that decision. You can divorce me, but
I can’t divorce my own child, so I guess I just have to accept what
you say. I’d rather you stay and work this out, but if you really want
to move out and get a divorce, well, I only want you to be happy.”
The vast majority of the time, the spouse who threatens to

leave will give up on the idea. Call their bluff. Doing the opposite -
- pleading with him or her to stay, or giving your own child the boot
-- will not work very well, and may not work at all. Your spouse won’t
respect you for booting out your own child. But they have to respect
you for doing what you must do, whether they like it or not.
4. I Only Want to Be Friends
Sometimes after people get married, and they have hot sex for
months, or even two years, all the heat is used up. At this point, one
or the other decides they just want to be friends, and forget all the
romance. This often happens with people who are not married, but
who have been lovers. But what if you don’t want a mere friendship.
You want to romance and the passion to continue?
What can you do? You can’t force a person so feel sexually
about you if they don’t. So the best approach is to agree and tell
your spouse or partner: “Okay, let’s be friends. That’s fine with me.”
After all, there’s nothing wrong with friendship. In fact, that is

the most important part of any relationship. You can only have sex
for so long during any given day. Even if you have sex for two hours
a day, the other 22 hours have to be filled with something else, right?
Friendship is a wonderful thing to share with a person during all
those hours that you are not having sex.
But what if your partner starts seeking sex with someone else?
Again, what can you do about it? Can you demand they don’t do it?
Can you follow the person around and police him/her like some kind
of sex cop? Well, you can, but is that going to make things go back
to the way they were with him/her before? If you believe that, you’re
living in a fantasy land.
You should also find your own person to fool around with.
When your former lover notices this, they may have a very sudden
change of mind and want you back as more than a mere friend! Try
this. You’ll be amazed at the results!
So, when your partner wants to stop having sex with you, and
wants to be friends only, your very best course of action is to accept,
and be the best friend you can be to them. That is your very best
chance of winning them back as a sexual partner some day. Most
likely, they’ll come crawling back to you sooner or later, especially if
you put no pressure on him/her, and act like a true supportive friend.
5. Money Problems
Did you know that more marriages break up over money mat-
ters than another cause? It’s true. More than sexual problems, more
than infidelity, more than problems with children or in-laws. Money
is the biggie when it comes to causing divorces.
It’s really not surprising when you think about it. After all,
money permeates every thing we do in life. Couples have to wres-
tle with money issues just about every day. There are house pay-
ments, car payments, insurance payments, clothes to buy, children
to feed, heating costs, medical bills, and the list goes on and on.
Thus, it’s only natural that a subject a couple has to spend so

much time dealing with is going to lead to problems, sooner or later.
But even more than that, human beings -- whether they are married
or not -- are obsessed with money. We live in a capitalist society,
and money is the life-blood that drives our culture and our every day
existence. Many people equate money with life itself -- or at least
the kind of life we are allowed to lead on this planet. Those with a lot
of money live well, those who don’t struggle. So the issue of money
is key, central and important.
A lot of arguments develop over what one person buys, without

consulting the other. If a husband suddenly comes home with a new
$14,000 motorcycle, the wife is most likely going to blow a major
fuse! One woman told me this:
“We have four children and we needed a new car. So my hus-

band goes out and comes home with a tiny sports car, with barely
enough room for two people. He paid twice as much for it as a mini-
van or a station wagon would have cost us. I can’t believe how self-
ish he is!”
A man told me this:
“My wife is addicted to credit cards. She is addicted to shop-

ping. When she uses our credit cards, she acts like everything is
free. But every month we get deeper in debt and the bills add up. I
try to talk to her about always spending more money than we have,
but she never listens. She’s like an alcoholic with money. She just
can’t stop spending it, even money we don’t even have!”
And we could tell many other stories like this. Most of the time,
it is a matter of priorities -- what money should be spent on for the
good of the marriage or the family, and how one or the other spouse
blows the job now and then.
It’s a difficult problem, especially because just about everybody

is a little bit crazy about the subject of money. But listen to this: At
the root of the money problem is not the money itself. That’s
because it is not the actual money that is the problem -- it’s what we
decide to do with money. As human beings we don’t really need
money itself. Money is just pieces of paper and round pieces of
metal that represent wealth. The real wealth is what the money will
get for you -- food, clothing, shelter, entertainment. That’s what the
real argument is about.
So the way to handle arguments about money is to handle

arguments. The best way to handle arguments is not to argue. It’s
better to agree. If your spouse attacks you for your spending habits,
don’t defend yourself. Simply agree. Why agree? Because you can
never win an argument, even if you get the upper hand and make
your partner shut-up, he or she will resent you for it. Thus, even
when you win an argument about money or any other thing, you
lose. Sooner or later, your partner’s resentment will come back at
you as something else, equally unpleasant.
But what if your partner’s spending habits are leading you both
to disaster? First of all, most people who contemplate disaster are
negative thinkers, and they only tend to make disaster more likely
with their own negative thinking. General Colin Powell, who fought
the Gulf War and later became Secretary of State has this basic phi-
losophy: “It’s never as bad as you think it is.” No matter what the sit-
uation, it’s probably not as bad as you think it is, including money
problems. What’s the worse that can happen? You may have to
declare bankruptcy or go on welfare. If this happens, you may feel
like your life is over, but that wouldn’t be the case. You’d have to
start over, and start rebuilding your financial life, like millions of peo-
ple do every day.
But you have to ask yourself: Why are you so interested in a

man or woman who you think is ruining your financial life? You are
interested in that person, but you want him or her to change and do
as you say, yet demanding, criticizing and pleading with that person
will not work. Thus, the only thing you can do is change tactics, and
maybe try the opposite. If a man wants to spend money on golf
clubs rather than on the needs of his own children, you may have to
accept that. If you attack his desire for golf clubs, he’ll want them
even more, and resent it if he doesn’t get them. If you just let him
buy his golf clubs, you have to let him live with the consequences.
The next time his child comes home from school with a black eye
because he or she is wearing second-rate clothing, the man is going
to have to think about who is really paying for those golf clubs, and
how. You can remind him of that, but you can’t force to do some-
thing against his will, at least not for long. If you simply agree with
his decision, you avoid the negative build-up in your relationship that
will only make things worse. By preventing things from getting
worse, you have a better chance of resolving the consequences of
the man’s selfish spending habits.
One of the most frequently suggested solutions to preventing

money problems in a marriage is for both partners to consult each
other on any major expenditure. Many couples make this rule:
Neither can make an expenditure of more than $100 without first
consulting the other. That way, there are no surprises. All expendi-
tures are agreed upon first. That’s not bad idea, and you might want
to try it. But that won’t prevent a couple from arguing over what they
should buy.
Probably the best idea for couples when it comes to money is

to keep your finances totally separate. Never have a joint checking
account. Each of you should even buy your own food, pay your own
insurance premiums, car payments, etc. When each of you is
responsible for your own financial situation, you can’t blame each
other for how spending is done. However, you may easily get into a
squabble about who should pay for what, such as who is going to
pony up $2,000 for new school clothes for the kids.
The bottom line is: When you argue over money, you are argu-
ing. And that will get you nowhere. When you don’t argue about
money, you’re playing it safe with your relationship.
One final note about money: Most money arguments are the
result of the lack or scarcity of money. Many couples believe that if
they didn’t have to struggle with money all the time, their relationship
would be much better. But this is absolutely false! How many times
has millionaire Liz Taylor been married and divorced? Look at all the
movie stars that are filthy with cash, but can’t seem to keep a mar-
riage in tact. They have all the money they want. Is it helping? The
answer is clearly no! Also, ordinary couples who win the lottery and
suddenly have millions of dollars at their disposal suddenly find their
marriages get worse, and not better? Why is that? Well, there’s lots
of reasons, but generally, when people have more money, they have
much more potential to find trouble. They can hire meaner, tougher
lawyers; they buy expensive cars and start spending more time out-
side the marriage; dozens of other men and women come out of the
woodwork attracted by the smell of money, and suddenly, someone
is having an affair. They think the power of money will shield them
from anything, including an affair, when, in fact, lots of money only
makes most people more reckless and idiotic. So having a lot of
money is not going to solve your marital problems, just as having too
little money can be stressful. It’s not how much or how little money
you have in your marriage, it’s how you deal with money issues, no
matter what those issues are.
This makes me think of the exchange in Anthony De Mello’s

book, “The Song of the Bird”:
Husband: “I’m going to work hard, and someday we are going

to be rich.”
Wife: “We are already rich, dear, for we have each other.
Someday, maybe we’ll have money.”
6. Getting Married Ruined Our Relationship
Many people who love each other and who have dated or lived
together for years find that after they decide to marry, the relation-
ship suddenly goes sour, and they want a divorce. Why should this
happen since the only difference after marriage is a piece of paper
that says they are married? Everything else is still the same --
they’re both the same people they were before and after the mar-
riage,
It’s clear from this that the problem is not with the relationship,
which had always been happy, but what mental constructs about
marriage that are held by each person. After they get married, they
have convinced themselves that things are somehow different now.
The best solution to this is to recognize that nothing really changed;
only their minds changed. There is nothing easier than to change
one’s own mind, so each person should do it. They should remind
themselves they were happy before the piece of paper with the word
“married” printed on it, and they can be happy after they signed their
names on it.
One woman told me this:
“After I got married, I had an identity crisis. I no longer had the

same last name. I felt like I didn’t know who I was.”
It’s amazing how people will take something as artificial as a

name change and turn it into an identity crisis. If you change the
name of a rose to the stink flower, the rose is still going to be soft,
red, and it will still smell wonderful.
Many women also resent having to change their own name to

their husband’s name. If they choose to keep their own name, then
the husband may resent it. But again, this is all mental tomfoolery.
A person who puts that much importance on a name is a person with
an ego problem. If your ego demands that you need to be known by
one name and not another, that the sign of a very weak ego that is
struggling to prop itself up in an artificial way.
Finally, when some people get married, they over associate

themselves with their spouse. They start trying to control the spouse
because they think that how the spouse acts is a mirror reflection of
themselves. Of course, this is not true. Remember, it’s only a legal
piece of paper that connect you with your spouse. If you make too
much of it, you’ll psyche yourself out and start having problems. It’s
totally unnecessary.
7. I Need Some Space
Very often, one member of a married couple will decide that

they “need space” from their spouse. They want a trial separation to
sort out their feelings. Many think this is a real crisis. They don’t
want their mate to move out. But the truth is, this is no big crisis. If
your mate tells you that he or she wants some space, let them have
it. It makes no sense and will do no good to stand in their way, or
force them to stay with you. The more you do that, the more they’ll
try to break out. Remember: The best way to control a cow is to give
it a very large pasture.
As for the person who thinks he/she wants space, they’re just
being stupid. That’s a blunt way to put it, but why mince words? The
problem is that they’re following their feelings, and they are not
thinking. They have put all emphasis on how they feel, even though
they can’t figure out how they feel. They think that if they get alone,
they’ll somehow magically get a handle on what they feel, and that
will solve the problem.
But feelings follow thoughts, not vice versa. A person who

thinks that they can examine their feelings and get somewhere
based on that is in for a very difficult time. That’s because feelings
are the more primitive part of our minds. Feelings run on hormones,
environmental stimulus, reactions -- they are wild. They come and
go as they please. The person who is enslaved to their own feelings
is immature and not in control of their own life. If a person always
followed their feelings without thinking about it, there would be a lot
more murders. “I hate that person! I’m going to kill him!” But most
of us use our thoughts to control such angry impulses. You reason:

“But if I kill that person, I’ll spend the rest of my life in jail, or get the
death penalty.” It’s not the emotions that come to this conclusion, it’s
ordinary, common sense thinking.
The same goes for the feelings generated by your relationship.

Every couple sifts through dozens of feelings toward their mates:
Love, hate, happiness, anger -- dozens of feelings constantly come
an go. But who is in charge? You or your feelings? It’s up to you to
be in charge of your feelings, and not let them run you around like
the wild animals they are. You can think about your feelings just as
well with your partner as separated from them, so it makes little
sense to separate. That can make you even more confused.
Still, people are going to do what they think they have to do. If
your spouse wants to separate, you can’t stand in their way. If you
simply agree and keep your own mind positive, if you go right on
enjoying your life, your partner will come back to you, more times
than not. But if you put any kind of pressure on them at all, you only
make the situation worse.
8. I Married You For the Wrong Reasons
This is a very common excuse people use to get a divorce. A

wife might tell her husband after a year or two of marriage: “I don’t
really love you. I married you to get away from my parents, or to get
myself out of the situation I was in. But now I need to be on my own.”
If a spouse tells this bit of nasty news to the other, they are
dealing a massive blow to the ego. The normal reaction for the one
who is being abandoned is to argue and be defensive. After all, who
likes to feel they have been merely used by a person who used to
tell you that she loved you? Such a person may also go on the
counter attack and say: “You used me!”
Let’s look at this situation from both perspectives. First, the

one who is being abandoned.
The last thing you should do when your partner tells you that
they never really loved you is be defensive, or attack back. Neither
tactic will work very well.
It’s best to let the other have their little opinion, agree with it,
and wish them well. That’s the best way to make them see how they
are wrong. When you agree, you turn the responsibility back on
them, and let them sort it out.
It’s very important that you take this shot at your ego with calm-
ness. Again, no one else can make us a victim. We only make our-
selves victims. If a person says they have been just using you, it’s
up to you to believe it or not, and you’ll have plenty of reasons not
to believe it. This brings us to the other side of the coin -- the per-
son who makes the claim of having never been in love in the first
place.
What this person is doing is rewriting history. This is one of the

most common ploys known to the human race. For example, when
the great Egyptian Pharaoh Rameses II lost a major battle with the
Hittites, he simply went back home and declared victory. Rameses
wanted to maintain his hold on power, and keep his people believ-
ing that he was a god, so he just shaped reality in the way he want-
ed to. He built a great temple and covered its walls with the story of
his great victory. Eventually, everyone believed it.
A person who says they never really loved you is only rewriting
history. It’s ridiculous to say that anyone would take all the trouble
of getting married to someone, sleep with them, live with them, only
to later announce it was all a gag. The person may even have con-
vinced himself or herself that they never really loved their spouse,
but that makes little difference. They’re just deluding themselves.
What they want is out of the marriage, so they make up a handy

excuse.
So the person being abandoned for this reason should just go

along with it. The person doing the abandoning needs to get in
touch with reality.
9. I Love Him/Her So Much I Can’t Live Without Her
This is a line many therapists, friends, and families here from a

love sick individual who has lost his or her partner. “I can’t live with-
out him/her. I’d rather than die than go on without him/her.”
But if this person loves this person so much, why did they leave
in the first place? They must have been offering something other
than love to get into this mess. Most likely, they were smothering
and suffocating the person. They were controlling the person. They
were demanding. They were endlessly needy. No wonder the per-
son wanted to escape!
And is it really love? No, it is obsession. A person who thinks

they can’t live without another person is immature, and not really
feeling love. They only think they are. They want to get their way
very badly, they want to maintain control over the other person, so
they say they’ll die without that person.
Real love is very hot sometimes, cool at others, and sometimes

in between. A person who is in the grip of an obsessive kind of love
has only distorted the meaning of love. The more the other person
hurts them, the more they suffer and feel cheated because they are
getting abuse in exchange for their obsessive love. But the person
is getting exactly what he/she deserves.
Will a person truly die without another person? Hardly. What

they need to do is calm down and think coolly and rationally about
why the other person left. Most likely, the person was starved for
some air, and just needed to get out. Only when the obsessed indi-
vidual gives up his/her obsessive love will the situation resolve itself.
10. My Husband/Wife is An Alcoholic
Problems with alcohol and drug abuse ruin many thousands of

marriages. When a person is addicted to alcohol, it’s the most impor-
tant thing in their life. They make it a priority even over their partner,
family, and just about everything else. The person living with the
alcoholic often becomes what is called co-dependent. In a way,
being co-dependent is worse that being a drunk. That’s because a
co-dependent person is doing three primary things to make the sit-
uation worse. Here’s what they do, and why it doesn’t work.
1. They harp at their partner to stop drinking. You can talk till
your blue in the face to an alcoholic about stopping, but it won’t do
a tiny ounce of good. The addiction to alcohol is 10 or a 100 times
more powerful than any lecture you might give. Also, this lecturing
often turns into harsh criticism and abuse. The co-dependent per-
son will say: “You’re ruining our lives! You’re a loser! You’re so
weak, you can’t control you own behavior! You’re ruining our mar-
riage! You’re going to lose your job! You’re going to kill yourself one
day while driving drunk! The children are afraid of you!”
The drinker reacts in two ways to this: They get angry and fight
back, and then start thinking of you as the biggest bitch or com-
plainer in the world. And they deal with it by drinking even more.
The other reaction is self pity. The drinker realizes that everything
the spouse is saying is true, and his/her self esteem takes an even
deeper nose dive. They deal with it by drinking even more.
People who are in AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, call all this criti-
cism “taking someone else’s inventory.” It does little good because
we can only take our own inventory of our problems, and then solve
them.
Thus, lecturing, blaming, and criticizing an alcoholic is about as

effective as trying to melt an iceberg with a kitchen match. So just
stop the lectures.
2. They enable the drinker. Many spouses make it possible for

the other to drink by covering for him/her when they screw up
because of being drunk or high. They take over all responsibility for
the welfare of the kids. They lie to the boss to cover for him when
he is home with a hang over. They earn all the money so the fami-
ly doesn’t starve. When he/she passes out in a bar, they drive over
and carry him/her home and put him/her to bed.
What they are really doing is arranging everything in the

drinker’s life so that they have it made -- they are free to drink. The
drinker knows that the other is going to be there to clean up after
him/her, watch out after him/her, pay the bills, take care of the kids.
All his/her responsibilities are gone, so he/she is wonderfully free to
stay smashed all the time!
So another key is to stop enabling. If the person falls down

drunk in the street, leave him there. What if he gets hit by car?
That’s his problem. What if he loses his job? That’s his problem.
What if he ruins his health? That’s his problem. You only make all
the bad stuff continue if you pave the way for him and pick up the
pieces whenever he breaks something.
3. The third is the strangest, but it’s very common. When the
person manages to sober up for a while, the partner turns into a rag-
ing bitch or nag or angry person. They may give some lip service
credit to the stoppage, but then they pile on the person with all the
bad and stupid things they did while they were drinking. Why do they
do this? Well, because subconsciously they liked it when the per-
son was a loser, and a drinker. For one, it made them feel superior
and in control. They enjoyed being the straight one, the “good one”
while the other was the loser. They also get a big payoff from play-
ing the martyr role. When the husband is a worthless drunk, all the
wife’s friends and relatives feel sorry for her, and she soaks up the
pity. The also feels like a saint for putting up with this guy. But when
he sobers up, she can no longer be seen as a saint in the eyes of all
her friends and family. She misses that. So she does everything she
can to push the guy over the edge again so that she can resume
her hero/savior/saint role.
So the only answer to living with a drunk is to detach from his
bad behavior. Move out or file for divorce. This book is about stop-
ping a divorce, but it makes no sense to live with a person who won’t
stop drinking. But the very act of filing for a divorce, not helping the
drunk anymore, and withdrawing all support is the best thing you can
do, and it may save the marriage.
Experienced and reformed alcoholics call this “detaching with
love.” They give up on the person, but at the same time, allow
themselves to love the person, flaws and all. But love doesn’t mean
helping the person stay a drunk, or staying married to a person who
won’t stop being a drunk.
As for the alcoholic, they have to find the strength to stop drink-
ing, or face losing their marriage. Stopping is not easy, and most fail,
even after treatment, attending AA meetings, and all the rest. On the
other hand, millions of others have successfully conquered their
addictions. It’s not impossible. The only thing both partners can do
is there own part, and then hope for the best. But staying positive is
also extremely important.

• The best way to deal with a meddling in-law is to win them
over and get them onto your side. Never fight or argue with them.
That only drives a wedge between you and your partner.
• The best way to deal with children the other person brings to
your relationship is to win over the children to your side, get them to
like you, and stick up for you.
• Never be judgmental of your partner for being jealous of your
children. Accept his or her jealousy and it will go away on its own.
• If your partner no wants to be you lover but “only friends,”
accept this proposition without questions. You can’t force them to go
back to the old way. When you accept, they will most likely change
their minds back.
• Don’t get confused over the illusion of money problems. When
you argue about money, you’re just arguing. Stop it.
• Remember that marriage is only a legal agreement on a piece
of paper. The true reality is your relationship. Don’t confuse the two.
• Your spouse “needs space.” Remember the Zen saying: “The
best way to control a cow is to give it a very large pasture.”
• People who say they married you for “the wrong reason” are
only trying to rewrite history to please themselves. You don’t have to
believe them just because they are deluding themselves.
• The best way to handle a partner with a substance abuse
problem is to “detach with love.” Don’t help them be a drunk. Also,
look in the mirror. You are probably getting something out of your
partner’s problem that you don’t want to let go of. Change yourself,
and your partner will change.
15 CHAPTER 15
WHAT SHE FOUND IN THE BABY SECTION

THAT HELPED SAVE HER MARRIAGE
Here is another one of those divorce busting stories that easily

qualifies for the “amazing” category. But it just goes to show how
many good and creative ways there are to fix marriages that have
gone bad.
This story, like so many, began with a marriage that is on the

rocks. It’s a true story, but again, I’ll use made-up names to protect
the privacy of the two people involved in this situation. I’ll call them
Ted and Brenda.
Ted and Brenda had all kinds of problems, but they rarely
talked to each other about them. That didn’t stop Brenda from blab-
bing endlessly about her problems with Ted to her friends. She often
spent an hour or two on the telephone with a girlfriend reciting every
rotten or irritating thing her husband did to irritate her, and to be hon-
est, he probably deserved a lot of the bad-mouthing he was getting.
But then something unusual happened. One day, Ted sudden-

ly confronted her in very angry tones. He said: “How dare you blab
about our marriage problems to all your friends. I really resent the
fact that you bad mouth me to anybody and everybody, and you do
it behind my back!” After making this statement, Ted stalked off, and
they didn’t speak again for more than three days.
Brenda was stunned and confused. She could not for the life
of her figure out how Ted had gotten wind of what she was saying to
her friends about him. She knew he could not have been listening
in on the telephone. She always made sure of that. The only thing
she could figure out was that one of her friends had been gossiping,
and that it has somehow gotten back to Ted. So she confronted her
friends, and asked them if they had been blabbing, and maybe even
telling Ted what she had been saying about them. Of course, they
all said no, and Brenda was convinced they were not lying. She was
stumped.
Then one day as Brenda was back at it -- spewing venom about

her husband on the phone -- she happened to notice the baby mon-
itor had been set up in the room where she always made her calls.
It had been half hidden behind a small bookshelf, but she immedi-
ately realized that Ted had found a clever way to spy on her, and too
find out what she was saying behind her back.
Of course, she was furious. She was about to take that baby
monitor, march up stairs and shove that baby monitor down her spy-
ing husband’s throat, but before she did that, she decided to call me
for some advice. Brenda was at the end of her rope and wanted a
divorce, but deep down inside, she couldn’t have wanted one that
bad if she was willing to seek some counseling first.
When Brenda came in, one of the first things she told me about,
among Ted’s many other serious flaws in her mind, was that he had
been low handed enough to use a baby monitor to spy on her. She
thought I would be as outraged as she was, but I just remained calm.
I had a few questions to ask her first. I wanted to know about some
of the other things this monster husband of her’s was doing to make
her consider a divorce.
It was a lot of the usual -- he was lazy, he never considered her

feeling, he never supported her in what she wanted to do with her
life, he used way too much foul language, he smoked in the house
around the children, and the list went on. Whether all of these things
were totally true, or not, was of no concern to me. Maybe they were,
maybe they weren’t. When you hear only one side of the story, I
know you never get the complete picture. You have to take it all with
a grain of salt unless both people are there to check the facts
against. But I knew one thing. Brenda had a tremendously negative
attitude toward her husband. She was concentrating totally on the
negative, and never on the positive. Unless Brenda was married to
Adolph Hitler, I knew this guy must have some good aspects to his
personality. Nobody can be all that bad.
So I asked Brenda to play along with me for a moment. I told

her to get out a sheet of paper and write down at least three or four
positive things about her husband, Ted, even if he no longer did
those positive things. Brenda was able to come up with some nice
things to say about her husband and showed them to me. One was
that he was good at spending time with the kids, even though he
smoked around them sometimes. Another was that he made a good
income at his job, and he handled all the money responsibilities well.
There were one or two others.
So I told Brenda to go home and pretend like she didn’t know

that Ted was still listening in on her conversations with the baby
monitor. I told her to call up one of her friends and start the conver-
sation the same way she always had -- but then I told her to work in
some of the good comments she came up with about Ted. I also told
her to mention that he was great in bed.
So Brenda goes home and does just what I told her to do. She
makes sure the baby monitor is powered up and ready to go. But
this time she didn’t call a friend on the phone. She just pretended to
talk because she really didn’t want to say good things about Ted to
her friends -- and the reason for that is obvious. Brenda was actu-
ally getting a payoff and enjoyment from playing the “poor-me-I-
have-to-put-up-with-so-much” role with her friends, but that’s
besides the point right now.
But anyway, Brenda says a few bad things about Ted, but then
begins to work in some of the new, positive material I had her write
down. She goes on that way with mostly positive stuff and then pre-
tend to hang up.
A few minutes later when Ted comes down stairs, he has a very
strange look on his face, Brenda said. He looked almost disap-
pointed that Brenda had not raked him over the coals again behind
his back, but mostly he looked just confused. For a long time he was
just usually silent. But one thing was clear: Ted started acting a lot
nicer that very night. For the first time, he went outside to smoke,
and never smoked in the house again. On the other hand, Ted kept
up some of his other negative behaviors. But Brenda did the phone
thing all that week, and made sure Ted was listening on the baby
monitor, and made sure he heard at least two or three good things
about himself.
By the end of that week, Brenda had hardly a single thing to

complain about anymore. Ted had not only shaped up, he trans-
formed. And here what was really amazing: Ted was doing some
nice things he had never done before. How did he start doing those
things? Well, when Brenda ran out of genuine comments to make
about Ted, she decided to make some up, purely because she need-
ed some material to keep her little act going! Amazingly, Ted start-
ed acting out those things she had made up! It’s almost like she was
hypnotizing him, giving him a suggestion to perform a certain behav-
ior even though he had never done if before or thought of it himself.
Here is why I think this baby monitor experiment worked so

well. Most of the time when a couple gets really angry at each other,
it becomes almost impossible for them to say good things about their
spouse to their face. They just don’t want to give them the satisfac-
tion. But the spouse might need to hear something good about
themselves at least once and a while. If all they ever get is abuse
and criticism from their spouse, they are not only going to become
very defensive and unhappy, they most likely are going to exactly
more of what you don’t want them to do!
The baby monitor enabled Brenda to say something nice about

Ted, while at the same time, helping her save face. She didn’t want
to give Ted any satisfaction by praising him for anything in person.
At the same time, she found a way to give Ted at least some posi-
tive feedback that every human being craves so much, especially a
husband or wife.
A second way the baby monitor helped was that it made Ted
believe Brenda was telling the total truth. Since he believed Brenda
didn’t know he was spying on her, he was sure all the nice things she
was saying about him were from the heart. This demonstrates
another amazing trait of human beings -- when Brenda was saying
negative things about Ted, he mostly disagreed with what she was
saying and thought Brenda was full of bologna. But when she said
positive things about him, he assumed was automatically true and
accurate!
You see, people hear just what they want to hear, or more
accurately, they accept things easily as true if it puts us in a good
light, and get defensive if we hear bad things about ourselves.
In the end, however, all Ted was looking for was a little credit
from his wife, instead of always hearing 100 percent negative stuff.
Going negative is an easy trap to get caught in. At first folks start off
with a few negative comments, which causes the person who hears
them to get defensive and act more negative, and then there’s more
negative stuff to talk about -- it’s a vicious circle. Sometimes I call
this Gigo -- Garbage In, garbage Out. But you can get that circle
turning in the opposite direction by staying positive. When you say
positive things to your mate, when you give them a sincere compli-
ment now and then, they will act out those positive things automati-
cally.
This is important -- that’s because when your mate is acting in

a negative way, it’s mostly likely that you did something to program
that behavior into them with your criticisms, insults or put-downs.
You have to look at yourself and take your own responsibility for the
way your partner acts toward you. The good thing, of course, is that
you can turn it around by doing the opposite, by programming your
partner to do the things you want them to do.
I’m not sure if I can recommend Brenda’s baby monitor trick to

everyone because it takes a little sneaking around, which I never
recommend. On the other hand, when a marriage is really on the
rocks, you have to bend a few rules to fix things, and as long as no
harm is done, it might be okay. Brenda told me that she uses the
baby monitor every once and a while to slip positive comments to
Ted. I asked her why she couldn’t just tell him nice things to his
face? She said that she does, most of the time, but she uses the
baby monitor as a crutch when she gets into a negative frame of
mind and can’t get out of it. Communicating to Ted through the mon-
itor helps her get some space, she says, and helps her focus her
thoughts while she is alone -- yet knows someone else is listening
to her.
• An angry spouse is never ready to listen. You may have to find

creative ways to get your point across.
• It is said that desperate times breed desperate men. And des-

perate marriages sometimes call for desperate measures. But be
careful!
16 CHAPTER 16
DOES THE EMPEROR NEED NEW CLOTHES?
It has to be pointed out that, for the most part, women care way
more about clothes than men. But it’s always dangerous to make
generalizations. Men may not care as much about clothes as
women, but when they see a woman dressed the way they like them
to be dressed, they sure as heck do like it! So men care about
clothes, too, in their own way.
One of the complaints I hear most often from struggling couples

comes from the man. He says: “My wife never dresses sexy. She
always complains when I look at another woman on the street who
is wearing a short skirt, high heels and nylons, but she never dress-
es like that for me, so what does she expect?”
The woman usually comes back with something like this: “I

shouldn’t have to dress like a hooker just to keep my husband inter-
ested in me. He’s supposed to love me for who I am, not how I
dress!” Another woman once told me: “I could go topless all day,
and my husband would still be looking at other women on the

street.”
But women often complain about the way their man dresses,
too. The most common statement I hear is: “He never dresses up.
All he ever wears is a t-shirt and faded jeans. I’d like to see him in
a nice shirt and some slacks now and then, anything other than blue
jeans.”
To which most men reply: “I just want to be comfortable. I don’t

care about clothes.”
In general, in our society, women are raised to use clothes as

a major facet of their technique to attract a man. Women are gener-
ally expected to dress sexy to lure a man. A man does not general-
ly use clothes as his major strategy for capturing the woman of his
dreams. Men are expected to make a lot of money, be strong, and
at the same time, be kind and understanding toward women. It’s
only after a man and woman get married that the woman starts car-
ing more about his clothes, especially if he become a major slob.
Here is something interesting that provides some insights

about how men and women think differently about clothes. Have
you ever wondered why so many movies feature naked women, but
very few feature naked men? Many women think this is just anoth-
er example of a double standard in Hollywood and that women are
being exploited by film makers, most of whom are men. But the real-
ity is, both women and men like it this way. Numerous studies show
that men like to see naked women in movies -- no surprise there.
But the real kicker is that women generally don’t like to see naked
men in movies. In survey after survey, the vast majority of women
say they much prefer to see handsome men dressed in fine suits or
tuxedos. That’s why James Bond movies are so popular. You
always see a lot of women in bikinis and low cut dresses, but Agent
007 never gets naked, and wears a lot of tuxes and black ties.
Both men and women are comfortable with this situation. Men
tend to feel uncomfortable when they see other men naked on the
movie screen, but women don’t feel particularly uncomfortable about
seeing naked women. So this is why Hollywood makes movies this
way -- both men and women generally agree that naked women and
men that stay dressed is the best.
Of course, these are generalizations. You may disagree, but

that’s your personal preference, and not the majority opinion.
But the point is this: Men clearly like women to dress sexy and
revealing, and women like men who dress up nice, and they love it
when men dress formally.
Of course, every culture is different. In the Muslim world,

women are expected to cover up everything except their eyes.
Many orthodox Jews think a female’s hair should always be cov-
ered. It’s all a matter of culture, societal and religious standards,
mixed in with some personal preferences.
So how does all this affect your marriage? Not at all if clothes
are not a big issue, but the subject of clothes almost always comes
up among couples that are on the verge of divorce. Personally, I
think the subject clothes can be one part of the puzzle that can
improve or not improve a relationship, but it’s rarely the turning point
on which a marriage will make it or break it.
What if a man frequently expresses a desire for his wife to

dress sexy for him, but at the same time, the woman does not feel
at all comfortable dressing in revealing clothing? Which one should
get his or her way?
Here is a true story which I think sheds some light on this tough
situation:
Bob K. often expressed his desire for his wife, Linda, to dress
more sexy. Linda was a tall, slender, lovely woman with fantastic,
long legs. But she simply did not feel comfortable dressing in
revealing clothes. She felt her body was nobody’s business but he
own, and her husbands, but only in the bedroom. But Bob bugged
Linda about it all the time anyway,
Then one day while they were getting ready to go to a party,

Linda comes out of the bedroom wearing a sizzling black leather
mini skirt and high heels. Bob was absolutely delighted -- at first.
When they got to the party, Linda was constantly surrounded by
about a half-dozen men with their tongues hanging out all the time.
There was hardly a man in the place who had a pulse who wasn’t
constantly mentally undressing Linda the whole night. On there way
home from the party, Bob’s ears were smoking because he was so
angry. He said to Linda: “Do you have to lead every man on like
that? You were surrounded by a pack of wolves all night!”
To which Linda said: “I know, honey. I always get that situation

when I dress in a short skirt, but I thought that’s how you wanted me
to dress?”
After that, Bob rarely brought up the subject again, and Linda
dressed in a way that was comfortable to her. What we see here is
the same old technique I have recommended throughout this book.
Instead of defending yourself and arguing, give in to what your
spouse wants, and 99 times out of a 100, you are going to get what
you want for yourself in the first place.
In the long run, it’s not going to kill you to dress the way your
spouse wants you to dress, but it should be your own decision, and
not something your spouse pressures you into. Whenever you
demand, cajole or bed the other to do something you want them to
do, they are most often going to do the opposite. Thus, if you want
to induce a particular behavior in your spouse, whether it comes to

clothing or anything else, use reverse psychology to get your way -
- it works the most often.
Other than that, if you let a subject like clothing ruin your mar-
riage, well, that’s just plain shallow and stupid.
• To understand why your husband or wife dresses the way

they do, you need to understand the way men and women think and
feel about clothes. With understanding comes fewer problems
about your spouse’s choice or preferences concerning clothes.
• If you spouse wants you to dress in a certain way, give them

what they want.
• Never argue about clothes. It’s better to accept and agree.

17 CHAPTER 17
THREE MOVIES THAT HOLD THE KEY TO SAVING

YOUR MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP
Sometimes Hollywood gets it just right. That’s the case when

it comes to telling us how to have successful relationships, too. We
can learn a lot from the movies, if we know what to look for. In this
chapter, I want to talk about three movies that, if you understand
their message, they can help you have a terrific relationship, and
save your relationship, no matter how broken it is. So let’s get start-
ed!
1. The War of the Roses
This is a movie about an extremely bad marriage that only gets

worse as the plot unfolds. In fact, this movie ends with a marriage
in total disaster. It’s not a happy ending! The movie stars Michael
Douglas and Kathleen Turner as a well-to-do husband and wife who
are about to go to war with each other, both emotionally and physi-
cally. The movie also stars Danny DeVito, who did double duty by
directing the film.
Douglas and Turner play Oliver and Barbara Rose. When they
meet, they seem like the perfect couple. They are both good look-
ing, they are attracted to each other, and they seem to truly love
each other. Oliver is a wealthy, successful lawyer, but his success
comes at a high price. He works day and night, he has a high
amount of stress, and he eventually almost has a heart attack.
Barbara, his wife, is beautiful, but materialistic, and depends on

her husband to bring home the big money. The couple buy their
dream home together, and while Oliver must work his tail off to pay
for it, Barbara stays home and spends huge amount of money buy-
ing things for the house. They bicker constantly over how much
money she spends on the house. But the problems really starts
when Oliver suffers what he believes to be a heart attack. He is
rushed to a hospital emergency room. He begs the paramedics to
get in touch with his wife. They call her, but she decides not to come
down to see her husband in the hospital.
Oliver is furious and confused. He can’t believe his wife, who

he has worked so hard to support in a lavish lifestyle, did not care
enough about him to rush over to support him through his medical
crisis. When she finally does show up much later, Oliver is in for a
big surprise. His wife tells him that she was hoping he would have
died so that she could be rid of him, and have the house and all the
rest to herself! But since he didn’t die, she asks for a divorce, and
also wants to keep the house.
Oliver is flabbergasted! But he refuses to give his wife a

divorce, and also refuses to move out of the house. Despite his
wife’s cruel behavior, he remains deeply in love with her. But for the
rest of the show, Oliver and Barbara fight verbally, and physically. In
fact, they fight so hard, they almost kill each other, wrecking their
beautiful home in the process.
Again, all during their hard-core fighting, Oliver remains in love

with his wife. The more cruel she is to him and the more she hurts
him, the more he stays in love with her. Near the end of the movie,
they are both lying stunned on the floor after a fantastic, violent fight.
Oliver reaches out to put his hand on her shoulder, in a sign that he
still loves her, no matter how wicked and violent she has been. But
Barbara, barely able to move because of her injuries, manages to
reach up and push Oliver’s hand off her shoulder. She rejects him
right up to the bitter end.
What can we learn from this interesting, but slightly dark

movie?
At first glance, this movie seems like a ridiculous tragedy. It

seems impossible that any man could remain to head-over-heels in
love with his wife in the face of such shocking cruelty, betrayal and
utter coldness. But rather than a farce, this is exactly how it hap-
pens most of the time! When one person stops loving the other, the
other person will try to force them to fall back in love with them by
constantly telling them that they love them, begging them to love
them back, and basically groveling at their feet, no matter how
humiliating it might be.
And the movie gets it just right. This method of trying to get your
lover to fall back in love with you almost never works. The more you
pursue them and beg for their love, the more they reject you, and
further yet, they lose total respect for you. And just like Oliver in the
movie, most people just keep right on banging their head against a
wall, and doing what does not work.
It is a much better idea to accept the fact that your partner has
fallen out of love with you. You can’t do anything to control their
behavior. The more you try to control them, the more they will strug-
gle to get away from you and rebel.
What you should do is say to your partner: “You don’t love me

anymore? Okay, that’s fine. You want a divorce, and you want to
keep the house? Fine, I’ll give you a divorce, but you’ll have to talk
to my lawyer about the house.”
This latter point is important. While you should agree and

accept your partner’s decision to seek a divorce, you should not roll
over and play dead for everything they want. When it comes to
money and property, you should play very tough -- but let your
lawyer do all the dirty work. If you give in on money matters, you will
only seem more spineless and pathetic -- and your partner will not
respect that. He or she will not respect you. At the same time, never
get tough or angry yourself. Let your lawyer do that. If your partner
comes to you and says: “I want to keep the house,” you say: “That’s
not up to me. You’ll have to ask my lawyer.” This way, you can stay
friendly and not lose your cool, while at the same time, not rolling
over and playing dead.
In the meantime, you should go on with your life, and start dat-
ing other people right away. Rather than suck up to and slobber
over your lover’s rejection, seek out the company of a partner who
won’t reject you, and who will be good to you. You still may be in
love with your spouse who has rejected you, but when you date oth-
ers, your partner will probably get jealous, and they will also see that
other people think you’re a pretty good catch. This will be the best
motivation for them to reconsider and think about taking you back.
As we see in the War of the Roses, fighting, begging, demand-

ing, getting defensive are all failed techniques for getting your lover
or partner back. Do just the opposite, and you’ll have much better
results.
2. Regarding Henry
This is an interesting movie starring Harrison Ford and Annette

Bening. Again, the main character is a rich and successful lawyer
with a beautiful wife. They live in an expensive New York apartment,
they have a lovely little girl, and seemingly everything they want.
But just beneath the surface, many problems are boiling. First,
Henry, played by Ford, is an extreme jerk. He’s arrogant, a control
freak, domineering and a workaholic. He spends all his time away
from home at the office. He spends very little time with his daugh-
ter, and when he does, he lectures her and treats her coldly. Henry
is also having an affair with another female lawyer who works in his
office. His wife is having an affair too because she never gets any
attention from her arrogant husband.
But then tragedy strikes -- or at least it seems like a tragedy.

Henry goes out to buy some cigarettes, and is shot in the head by a
man who is robbing the store. Henry lives through this, but his brain
is damaged. He loses most of his memory, his ability to walk and
speak, and becomes meek and child-like -- the exact opposite of
what his personality was like before the accident.
Suddenly his career as a high-powered lawyer is over. He and

his wife are at risk of losing their wealthy, comfortable lifestyle.
Everything has changed.
At first, his wife is devastated. Even though she was having an

affair with someone else, after her husband’s accident, she realizes
she still loves him very much. She sticks by him every step of the
way as he is rehabilitated. He learns to walk and speak again, and
some of his memory comes back. But what doesn’t come back is
Henry’s horrible, arrogant and mean personality. As he recovers
physically, he becomes a extremely warm, caring and loving person.
He starts to spend a lot of time with his daughter, something he
never did before. He also becomes very interested in his wife again,
falling back in love with her romantically. Even after he learns that
his wife had been having an affair with one of his friends, he decides
to forgive her after learning that he himself had an affair, something
he forgot about after his brain injury.
Near the end of the movie, Henry tells his wife that he hates
being a lawyer, and that he wants her and their daughter to be a
family again. That they do. They buy a cute dog, and the three of
them walk off into the sunset, blissfully happy, all together and ready
to start a new life.
What can we learn from this movie?
First of all, it shows how a whole relationship can change if only

one person changes. They say it takes two to tangle, but when it
comes to fixing a marriage, if one person changes, the other person
will automatically change as well. This is what happened when
Henry changed. His wife immediately reacted in a positive way to his
new personality. She fell in love with him all over again when he
stopped being a cold, arrogant jerk.
This shows us that the best way to change your partner is not
to try to force him or her to change, but to change yourself first.
When you do this, you’ll get the results that you want. But to change
yourself, you need to turn a critical eye on yourself, and honestly
evaluate where you have been making mistakes. It’s not easy to do.
It’s not easy to look in the mirror and deal with your own flaws. But
it’s far easier to do this than try to correct the flaws in your mate. You
don’t have any real control over your mate, but you can be certain
that you have control over yourself. If you don’t, who does! When
you try to force the other one to change, he or she will only rebel and
get defensive. Things will get worse from there.
It took a bullet to the head to change Henry into the kind of man
he should have been in the first place. But if you are in an unhappy
marriage, and you find yourself acting a lot like Henry acted, you
don’t need major brain damage to make the changes you need to
make. If you are a cold, arrogant jerk who spends all your time at the
office, making your wife want to leave you, you need to stop being a
cold, arrogant jerk and be more warm and loving to your wife. But
you have to make that choice. Do you want to win your wife back,
or do you want to remain married to your job, and your cold attitude?
If you choose the latter, expect to lose your wife for good. It is your
choice.
Finally, Regarding Henry is a very pleasant, feel-good movie.

Both Ford and Bening give captivating, warm performances that put
viewers in the mood for romance. Take a look at this movie and
learn some lessons from it. And most importantly, watch it together!
3. Broadcast News
This is a movie staring William Hurt and Holly Hunter, who play
television journalists who work for a major TV network. It’s the story
of two people who are total opposites of each other, but they fall in
love, only to find their differences a major roadblock to a happy rela-
tionship.
Hurt’s charter is Tom, a tall, handsome man with extreme

charisma. Everyone loves him, especially women. Tom is such a
pleasant and good looking man, even children automatically start
following him around. Beautiful women by the dozen crave his com-
pany. Tom’s good looks make him a natural to be on TV reporting
the news.
But Tom has a terrible flaw. He is not very intelligent, he is shal-

low, and he is not an entirely ethical person. He is willing to break a
few rules here and there for the sake of advancing his career.
Because he is too stupid to write his own stories, he must rely on
others to help him along. But the network executives like him any-
way because he comes across so well on TV.
Holly Hunter plays Jane. You might say she is something of a

plane Jane. She is not super model good looking, although she is
cute, or one might even say pretty in an understated sort of way. But
her real strength is her brilliant mind. She is sharp as a tack when it
comes to writing and reporting news.
But like Tom, Jane also has a terrible flaw. She has an abra-
sive, domineering personality. She’s bossy and bitchy. She also has
no personal appeal that would make her a good on-screen person-
ality. Thus, she must remain in the background of the TV business
working as a writer and producer of news, while dummies like Tom
get all the glory on the screen and before the public,
When Tom and Jane meet, the sparks fly between them
instantly. They are extremely attracted to each other, even though
they are total opposites. Actually, Tom wants what Jane has -- intel-
ligence. Jane wants what Tom has -- a warm personality and charis-
ma.
Tom and Jane fall in love with each other, but every time they
seem to make some progress in their relationship, one or the other
of them does something to throw a monkey wrench into the situa-
tion. Jane constantly harps and criticizes Tom for being stupid, for
whining about it, and she also is disgusted with his low journalistic
standards. She likes Tom as a person, and is sexually attracted to
him. But she just doesn’t respect his lack of moral integrity.
Tom, on the other hand, admires Jane’s mind very much, but
thinks she is too uptight and a major control freak, which she is. He
is sexually attracted to her, but every time he tries to get close to her,
she does something or says something that turns him off.
Despite all their differences, Tom and Jane fall ever more madly
in love with each other until Tom finally goes too far one day with his
deceptive news reporting tactics. Now, most Hollywood romantic

comedies like this one end with the couple working out their differ-
ences, and walking happily into the sunset together. But this movie
ends with Tom and Jane having a huge argument, which they can’t
resolve, and they end up splitting for good. Even though they obvi-
ously love each other tremendously, they just can’t make it work. In
the end, Tom marries someone else, and Jane remains unmarried.
The lessons of these movie are very interesting. First, it shows

a very common phenomenon between couples that causes so much
trouble -- when opposites attract. Very much like Tom and Jane, we
tend to fall in love with people who have something that we don’t
have, but which we want for ourselves. But instead of developing
that quality in ourselves, we try to obtain it or absorb it from another
person whom we think we are in love with.
But is it love, or selfish desire? If a person is stupid, but wants

to be intelligent, is it a good idea to marry a smart person as a way
to capture some of that intelligence for yourself? I think the problem
is that, too often, people mistake what they lack themselves for love
when they see it in another person. A person who is dumb will see
a smart person and be in love with that person’s intelligence -- but
may not love the actual person at all. Instead, they are just selfish-
ly trying to improve themselves by “capturing” a person who has got
what they do not.
A second lesson we learn from this movie is how wrong it is to

try to change another person, especially someone you are in love
with. Jane constantly tried to make Tom into a more honest and
upright person, while Tom constantly tried to get Jane to relax and
stop being such a control freak. But the more they tried it, the more
they just made each other angry and turned each other off.
In a nutshell: You simply cannot change another person, mold

him/her, transform him/her, teach him, or do anything else.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, but you have to accept

people as they are without trying to mold or change them. If you try
to change person, or to recreate that person in your own image, you
only cause trouble, and make the person hate you.
So what you should do is accept the person you love as they

are. The more you love and accept them, the more they will natu-
rally change into the kind of person you want them to be. If you’re
lucky, your partner will learn from your example, and adopt the qual-
ities you want on his or her own, but the process can’t be forced.
That never works.
Broadcast News shows how a powerful, passionate, sexual

attraction to another person is not necessarily the best part of a rela-
tionship. Tom and Jane were hot for each other big time, but they
had nothing in common in terms of friendship, and how they viewed
the world. In the end, hot sexual attraction was not nearly enough.
Even love was not enough. Where there is no meeting of the minds,
love itself cannot carry the day.
Finally, another interesting aspect of this movie is that Jane has

another male friend, Aaron, whom is much more like her in terms of
personality, intelligence and moral standards, but she is not sexual-
ly attracted to him, or maybe only to a minor degree. Like her, Aaron
is not drop dead gorgeous, but he’s no slouch, either. Yet, she
spends all her time with Aaron, works closely with him and enjoys
his company very much. As viewers, we can see that Jane and
Aaron would make a perfect couple, but Jane is too blind to see
what will work for her. She is much too busy looking for something
she wants for herself -- something she wants simply because she
doesn’t have it.
Tom also had another female friend that was much more like
him -- tall, extremely good looking and shallow. But he’s interested
in only having sex with her, while he remains obsessed with Jane,
because Jane has what he can never have -- intelligence and
integrity.
I strongly recommend you rent Broadcast News and watch it
carefully with your partner. Notice how when Tom and Jane try to
force their own beliefs on each other, they get defensive, argue and
split up. This is the same thing that may be happening in your rela-
tionship.
It’s not the end of the world to marry someone who is a total
opposite of you. There is nothing especially wrong with opposites
attracting. It’s how you handle the situation after the passion cools
down, and it’s also a matter of seeing clearly why you are attracted
to an opposite -- it’s a selfish desire to get something for yourself.
When you realize the other person can’t really give it to you, you can
either start hating the person, of simply remain in love with him/her
for who and what they are.
So those are three excellent films that may solve a lot of prob-
lems for you, and answer a lot of questions. There are many more
movies which are also helpful, but maybe I’ll write about them in my
next book!
• Trying to force a person to fall back in love with you never
works. It only does the opposite.
• A marriage can change for the better even when only one per-
son changes. And the only person you can change is yourself.
• Opposites attract because we tend to mistake love for some-
thing we don’t have and see in the other person.
• Powerful, mutual sexual attraction is not necessarily the best
part of a relationship. It’s only one aspect, and it may not even be
necessary.
• We find people that are just like us boring after awhile. So
why try to make your mate more like you? Rather, celebrate their
differences, and find ways to benefit from them.
18 CHAPTER 18
NO MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE FOR LONG WITHOUT

THIS: FORGIVENESS
In this chapter I want to talk about forgiveness. But I’m going

to make it as short and sweet as possible. Forgiveness is a big sub-
ject, and you see a lot of folks -- preachers, philosophers, coun-
selors, therapists -- blabbing on and on about it. I don’t blame them,
but this is a practical book designed to get something done for you
-- stop your divorce or your lover’s rejection. I don’t have a 100
pages to ramble on about forgiveness, about how great it is, how
holy and spiritual it is, and all the rest. The act of forgiveness prob-
ably is a holy and spiritual subject, but I’m not a holy man. I’m just
a common sense guys that knows how to save marriages and rela-
tionships.
And to stay happy in a marriage, you have to know something

about how to forgive, and how to let yourself be forgiven. So let’s
talk this over a bit. I’m going to start off with one of my favorite sto-
ries about forgiveness. It comes from the book “The Little Monk” by
Harry Farra. Here it is:
A villager asked the little monk, "My neighbor slapped me.

Should I forgive him?" "Yes," answered the monk.
"How many times should I forgive my neighbor?" the villager

asked.
"How many times did he slap you?" "Once," came the answer.
"Then forgive him once," said the little monk.
"But what if he slaps me fifty times?" the villager asked. "Then

you should forgive him forty-nine times," came the reply.
"Why only forty-nine times when he slapped me fifty times?"

the villager asked. The little monk said, "Freely accept the fiftieth
slap. You deserve it for being such a fool as to allow yourself to be
slapped the first forty-nine times." (p 89)
The reason I like this story is that it gets to both sides of the
story. The man getting slapped has had something wrong done to
him, true enough, but he also has allowed himself to be a victim. So
the monk tells it like it is: “You deserved one slap.”
This is the first thing I want you to remember about your part-
ner when he or she has done something you need to forgive. The
fact is, you probably had your hand in it in some way. Until you
accept this, you’ll never really be able to forgive completely. You
have to accept some blame -- but not too much! Don’t be a victim.
Just use some common sense, look at yourself, and see where you
may have encouraged your partner to do something bad.
But let’s say that a woman has always been faithful to her hus-
band, and he has an affair. She has never had an affair, so she feels
devastated by what her husband did to her. She feels betrayed. She
also looks to herself and can easily see she never slept around with
anybody, making her innocent in her mind. Also, he’s the one that
made the decision to have the affair. Why should she accept any
blame in this situation -- any blame at all?
Well, in all my years of listening to couples and all their prob-

lems, I’ve never -- not once -- found a situation where one partner
has done everything perfectly, and the other has done all the bad
stuff. In 100 percent of the cases, when one does something wrong,
the other pushed him or her into it in some way, even if only in a
small way, or subconsciously.
Why did the man have an affair? Maybe his wife was sexually
cold? Maybe she was a constant nag. Maybe she constantly criti-
cized him. Are any of these and excuse for the man to go out and
have an affair? Absolutely not! But it might be an explanation, and
at least part of the motivation. Until the woman -- or the man -- looks
deeply into him or herself and asks: “What did I do to contribute to
my partners mistake?” real forgiveness cannot take place.
Many men and women have affairs, not because of the sex, but
because they just want to be with a person who does not nag, criti-
cize, or emotionally abandon them. Find me an affair, and I can
almost guarantee that you find a nagger, whiner, or complainer on
the other side. Not always, but most of the time.
To be able to forgive, you have to get off your high horse and
take a critical look at yourself first. Your partner may have hurt you
greatly, but I can guarantee you -- you deserve at least one little
slap, too.
The act of forgiveness is one of the most central tenets of just

about every major religion. Of course, you have heard what Jesus
said about forgiveness: “You must forgive not seven times, but 70
times seven times.” This is ancient wisdom from a powerful spiritu-
al tradition, and it’s flat out good advice, whether it comes directly
from God, or anyone else. You don’t have to believe in Jesus or God
or Buddha or Krishna, or the Great Spirit, to appreciate the wisdom
of the necessity to forgive.
Listen to what the brilliant writer and thinker Gary Zukav wrote
about forgiveness in his book, “Seat of the Soul”:
“Forgiveness is not a moral issue. It is an energy dynamic.

When most people forgive they do not want those that they forgave
to forget they forgave and forgot. This kind of forgiveness manipu-
lates the person who is forgiven. It is not forgiveness. It is a mean of
acquiring external power over another.”
And Zukov also writes:
“Forgiveness means that you do not carry the baggage of an

experience. When you chose not to forgive, the experience that you
do not forgive sticks with you. When you choose not to forgive, it is
like agreeing to wear dark, gruesome sunglasses that distort every-
thing, and it is you who are forced every day to look at life through
those contaminated lenses because you have chosen to keep
them.”
But what if your spouse has done something which you think is
absolutely beyond forgiveness -- something major, like murder, or
molested one of your own children? Are you supposed to forgive a
person for this? Well, of course, the answer is yes. It may be impos-
sible, but you still have to try. Note that this does not mean you have
to stay with a person who has done something so horrible. I’m not
suggesting you be a stupid victim. If a man is a murderer or child
molester, and is showing no signs of changing, then you need to get
away from that person. But after that, you have to try forgive what
he did. Why? Because if you don’t, that evil act will always have a
grip on your own life -- it will stick like a thorn in your soul -- and the
only way to get it out and move on is to forgive.
It is said: “To forgive is human, to forget is divine.” That means

you would have to be a god, or practically a god, to not only forgive,

but to forget the event entirely. But don’t worry -- you’re no god. If
you were, you wouldn’t need this book. You’d have all the answers
already. So all you have to worry about is the first part, to forgive. If
you can’t forget in addition to forgiving, well, you’re only human.
Now here’s some good news: The point is that is is not even
how successful you are at forgiving. It’s the fact that you try which
is most important. Just let the rest take care of itself. You might be
trying to forgive, but feel that you are failing miserably at it. You still
hold all the resentment, blame and bad feelings. That’s only normal.
Just keep trying to forgive. The more you do it, the more you’ll get
the hang of it. If you feel like you’re getting nowhere, don’t worry
about it.
In reality, forgiveness is a selfish act, but in this case, that’s a

good thing. The Buddhists were smart enough to realize this. They
have a saying: “Everything you do, you do for yourself.” It’s true, and
it’s true of forgiveness as well. You may not want the person who has
hurt you to feel good after you forgive him or her, but that’s not why
you are doing it. You’re doing it to make yourself feel good -- to free
yourself from these bad feelings! This is why Jesus said:
“Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to

them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you
and persecute you.”
Jesus knew that doing all the opposite things -- attacking,

defending, holding a grudge, getting even -- all led to no good, and
only more trouble. They don’t make the person who has been unfair-
ly injured happier, they just make things worse.
But all this was known even far before Jesus. Five centuries
before Jesus, in 500 B.C., the Chinese poet, Lao Tzu, wrote down
what is known today as the Tao Te Ching, a volume of just 5,000
words that contained all the instructions anyone would ever need to
lead a good and happy life. Among the Tao was this advice:
“Be good to those who are good,

And to those who are not.
For goodness increases goodness.
Have faith in those who are faithful,
And in those who are not.
For faith brings greater faith;
And goodness and faith bring peace.”
This was put down 2,500 years ago, but it hasn’t lost a bit of its
power. We should be good to not only those who are already good
-- that easy! But we must also be good to those who have screwed
up -- and that means all of us!
You see, the thing is, sooner or later you’re going to need to be
forgiven for some rotten thing you do. Again, unless you’re some
kind of God, your human failings are going to catch up to you from
time to time, and you’ll be sorry, and you’ll want others to forgive
you, especially your spouse. That why in the Lord’ Prayer, we hear
these lines:
“Forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us...”
You know, it’s truly amazing how many people who go to

church every Sunday and repeat these lines for years on end, mil-
lions of times, and then when it comes time to act upon them -- to
forgive someone -- they immediately forget it all and go on some
blaming and self-pitying rampage!
Do you want to start feeling better fast? Then start learning to

forgive! Do you want to save your marriage? Then forgive, and
keep on doing it. This is not rocket science. It’s not knowing what
to do that is hard -- it’s having the courage to actually do it. But if

you find that courage, you’re going to be in a lot better place in the
near future.
• The ability to forgive is essential to any lasting marriage.
• The ability to accept being forgiven is just as important.
• You must always accept some blame.
• Forgiving is the only way out of your own pain.
• Forgiving is not a moral issue -- it’s a necessity for a good life.
• Knowing that you must forgive is easy; doing it is the hard

part.
• Don’t worry if you think you are a bad forgiver. Just try and let
the rest take care of itself.
19 CHAPTER 19
THE RADIO TRICK THAT WORKED TO SAVE

A MARRIAGE
In all my years as a marriage counselor, I think this is one of the

most unusual stories I have ever heard. I wish I could take credit for
this one, but I have to give all the credit to this one particular and
amazing wife, who found an unbelievable way to get her husband to
stop sleeping with other women. I have this couple’s permission to
use their story, but I have changed the names here at their request
to respect their privacy. But all else is 100 percent true! This is the
story of how one enterprising wife used an ordinary radio to stop her
husband from straying. Read on!
Marla had just about given up on her husband, Samuel. He

was a wonderful man --handsome, wealthy and highly intelligent. He
was a college psychology professor at a major university. But
Samuel had one crippling flaw: he was a cheater.
Every day, Samuel went off to work to teach graduate students

at the university where he worked, and many of them were beauti-
ful, young, single women. For a student, to hero-worship a favorite
professor is very common. The trouble with Samuel was that, when
a lovely 22-year-old coed came on to him, he could rarely refuse
their attentions. For a man who was as brilliant as Samuel, he was
a total idiot when it came to hiding his cheating with young women.
Marla had caught on to him almost a half-dozen times, and she was
about at the end of her rope.
Every time Marla confronted Samuel about one of his affairs

with a beautiful, younger woman, Samuel immediately admitted it,
started to cry, and begged for forgiveness. He also promised never
to do it again -- and he was sincere -- but he was also very weak.
Because of his obvious sincerity, Marla was able to forgive him
again and again, always giving him another chance. She also loved
him very much, despite all. Samuel would swear off other women for
a while, but his job was a constant supply of temptation. With so
many young, pretty women surrounding him all day, his weakness
sooner or later got the better of him.
Marla and Samuel were caught up in an ugly pattern. Cheat,

get caught, beg for forgiveness, forgiveness and then repeat.
They tried marriage counseling, but it did little good. There was
really nothing much to talk about in counseling except Samuel's
cheating, and both Samuel and Marla agreed that he should quit.
It’s just that he couldn’t. He was too weak -- at least that’s what he
said.
One day while feeling very depressed and desperate to sal-

vage her marriage, Marla happened to pick up one of Samuel's
numerous books on psychology. She happened to start reading
about something called subliminal persuasion.
Subliminal persuasion is the use of hidden messages in pic-

tures, music or movies to influence the behavior of a person, or
groups of people. For example, a recording of a Mozart symphony
can be interlaced with a voice speaking a certain word or phrase.

The voice will not be loud enough to be heard consciously over the
music. When a person listens to the music, all they will hear is
music -- but their subconscious mind will be able to pick up subtle,
hidden messages recorded along with the music at very low volume.
The way it works is this: While the conscious mind is preoccu-

pied with the primary music, the hidden recording will seep into the
subconscious mind of the individual. And depending on what that
message is, it can have a tremendous influence on the behavior of
the individual.
Subliminal persuasion is so powerful, it is illegal to use it in

advertising. Before it was made illegal, some grocery stores, for
example, used to lace the music played on their public address sys-
tems with hidden subliminal message that said something like:
“You’re very hungry, buy more food ... you’re very hungry, buy more
food ... you’re very hungry, buy more food ...”
The unsuspecting shoppers could consciously hear only music

as they shopped, but the subliminal messages seeped directly into
their inner minds, and as a result, they bought more food than they
had planned, or wanted to buy.
The reason subliminal persuasion works is this: The subcon-

scious mind exerts a great influence over how people think, act and
behave. When hidden subliminal messages are fed to the subcon-
scious mind, they penetrate directly to the person’s greater person-
ality and influence how they think and act without them knowing it.
That’s why it’s illegal in advertising. It’s considered unfair and decep-
tive.
But subliminal persuasion is also used as a powerful self

improvement tool. Many people have used subliminal recordings to
stop smoking, lose weight, improve their work habits, and more.
Reading about all this, Marla got a fantastic idea. Would sub-
liminal persuasion work on her husband’s cheating problem? She
immediately thought: “What have I got to lose? I’ve tried everything
else. I might as well try this. The only other options is divorce, and
I don’t want that! I just want my marriage to work!”
But Marla immediately saw a problem in her plan. Where

would she find a subliminal recording that would stop a cheating
husband! She searched the market and found subliminal tapes for
everything from defeating depression to weight loss, but nothing to
defeat a cheating husband.
But Marla was not ready to give up that easily. She had an
idea. Maybe she could make her own subliminal recording designed
to achieve exactly what she wanted to achieve. Fortunately, Marla
knew a lot of other people that worked at the university where her
husband was a professor. She contacted Bill R., who worked in the
communications department. Bill was a wizard with electronic
recording devices. Marla asked Bill if it was possible for him to make
a series of subliminal recordings, made to order for her “special proj-
ect.” Bill said he could handle the job easily.
Now, Marla knew that Samuel was in the habit of listening to

classical music while in his office at the university. So Marla had Bill
record about a dozen tapes of Samuel's favorite composers. For the
subliminal messages, Marla used her own voice. This is what she
recorded on the underside of the music: “I love my wife ... I will
always be faithful to her, no matter what ... I love my wife, I will never
hurt her again ... I will always be faithful to Marla ... I will always be
faithful to Marla ... I get everything I need from Marla ...”
And so on. Once Marla had her battery of subliminal tapes

ready to go, she was ready to unleash the power of subliminal per-
suasion on her hapless, unsuspecting husband. For his next birth-
day, Samuel got a present from his wife he was delighted with -- a
series of long-play tapes of his favorite classical music! He gladly
accepted them and dutifully brought them to his office, where he
played them constantly whenever he was there for hours at a time,
grading papers, doing research and all the rest.
Marla also made copies for herself so that she could play them
at home. Whenever Samuel was home, Marla had the radio going
-- but on it were her subliminal recordings, pulsating with hidden
messages to get her husband to stop cheating, and be faithful to her.
Did it work? Here is what happened in Marla’s words:
“When I first came up with the idea to reprogram my husband’s

mind with subliminal tapes, I was 100 percent convinced that I was
just a desperate fool grasping at straws. But that was five years ago
-- and the last five years of my marriage have been the happiest of
my life! The change that came over Samuel was really just unbe-
lievable. He not only completely stopped his cheating, he started to
become so attentive and interested in me -- sexually and otherwise
-- that I could barely keep up with him! How did I know he had
stopped cheating? Because he started to talk about it all the time.
One day he came home to me an announced he wanted to talk
about his “problem.” Sam told me that for the past six months, he
had suddenly lost all interest in cheating, and he simply couldn’t
understand why he ever used to act that way. For a long while, he
continued to talk about his old ways, until I finally said to him: ‘Look,
honey, you made some mistakes in the past, but I can just tell you’re
over it now. You’re not the same person anymore. Let’s just go on
with our marriage and forget the past. I’m only interested in the kind
of person and husband you are today, and you’re the very best!’ “
Upon hearing this, Marla said Samuel broke down and cried.
They hugged, and a few minutes later, they were both laughing.
They never spoke about his cheating again -- it was old news, and
Samuel was a changed man.
So that’s the story, and I guarantee you, it really happened! I

think it’s an amazing story, although I must say that some psycholo-
gists claim that subliminal messages have not shown to be truly
effective on persuading people to take actions they wouldn’t other-
wise take.
That may be true, but I think what’s key here is that Marla’s
husband really did want to change -- he just couldn’t find the
strength to do it. I think it’s very possible that Marla’s subliminal
tapes gave him that extra push he needed to change in the way he
really wanted to, deep down inside. Also, you can’t argue with suc-
cess! Whether it was the subliminal tapes that fixed this marriage,
or something else, the facts speak for themselves. This is one mar-
riage that was headed for a sure end, that ended up just the oppo-
site -- a super happy, loving, faithful marriage!
• What goes on in the subconscious mind is more important

than what goes on in the conscious mind.
• Appeal to the subconscious mind and you appeal directly to

the inner self of the individual.
• The subconscious mind does not know the difference

between the truth and a lie.
• Sometimes people want to change -- they just don’t know

how. try to help them.
20 CHAPTER 20
WHAT DOGS AND CATS TEACH US ABOUT RELA-

TIONSHIPS
I’ve always loved dogs, but I like cats, too. Both are very differ-
ent animals in terms of their psychology and how they act and how
they like to be treated. Generally, those people who love dogs do
so for how dogs interact with humans, and thus, they tend to dislike
cats, because cats are different. But those people who love cats
tend to like both cats and dogs about the same. Why is that?
Well, the difference between dogs and cats and the people that
love them can tell us a lot about our marriages and how we
approach relationships and other people. Let’s look at dogs first.
I have a friend whom I’ll call Phil has always owned a dog.
Phil’s wife, Alice, actually feels jealous of the dog sometimes
because she thinks he loves the dog even more than her. Phil often
says: “You know, the bond between a man and a dog is special; it’s
something no woman could ever understand.”
But it's not that hard to understand. Here’s why so many men
love dogs so much: A good dog is totally obedient and willing to
please, and not just willing, but eager to please. A dog looks to its
master for total direction and control. A dog has a powerful need to
follow a leader. In the wild, dogs are pack animals and have com-
plex social relationships. But their social structure centers around
what biologists call the “alpha male.” The alpha male is simply the
leader of the pack which all other dogs follow and submit to. When
a human being takes a dog for a pet, that person become the “alpha
male” in the mind of that dog.
Unlike a wife, a friend, a parent, or even a beloved child, no one

is happier to see it’s master coming home than a dog. Every time a
person leaves a dog behind, even for just a couple of hours, the dog
goes crazy when that person comes back. The dog is so over-
whelmed with joy it jumps around, dances, wags it’s tail and jumps
into the owner’s face for licks of greeting and gratitude. A dog hides
nothing. It gives and shows its joy completely to it’s owner.
A dog also never judges or criticizes its owner. No matter how

bad a guy screws up at his job, or how late he stays out, or how lazy
he is around the house, the dog is 100 percent satisfied and happy
with that man. So is it any wonder that men love dogs so much?
Also, a dog has a need to be controlled, and gladly submits. Men
like that, too. A dog never talks back, judges or criticizes. It gives its
love with enthusiasm, holds nothing back, and submits.
Now, when men turn to their wives, do they get anything close
to the same love, devotion and affection? Does the wife jump up
and down for joy and shower him with kisses and praise every sin-
gle time he comes home? Does a wife submit without question?
Does a wife accept every single solitary act a man does without crit-
icism? Of course, the answer is no, and I’m not for a minute sug-
gesting that a wife should act in this way. But it does tell you some-
thing about what most men think they need and want to be happy
with another creature. Men generally love dogs so much for all of
the reason I have described above.
The trouble, however, is that it is completely unrealistic to

expect any human being -- be it wife, husband, child, or parent -- to
give this same kind of all-adoring love to another human being. But
men who really love dogs subconsciously long for this same kind of
relationship with their wives and others. They want obedience, they
don’t want to be told they’re wrong, they don’t want to be told what
to do, and all the while, calling all the shots. Many men want total
control and dominance of their relationships, and they want slobber-
ing eager love, loyalty and worship in return.
But now let’s look at cats. Here is one of my favorite sayings

about cats: “If you can love a cat, you can love anything.” Those
folks who love dogs for their submissive obedience and love tend to
be turned off by cats because they are the opposite -- cats are not
eager to please, they are loyal, but only in a cool way. Cats tend to
be aloof, and they only do something when they feel like it, and
never when the owner wants them to.
But here’s something even more significant about cats: A cat

does not give up who or what it is when it agrees to live with you. It
remains a cat. It keeps most or all of the same behaviors it would
have in the wild. Not so for a dog. A dog becomes almost like a lit-
tle subhuman, constantly eager to fit in and understand human
whims. A cat won’t humiliate itself in that way. A cat could care less
about human whims. When a cat is hungry, they stare at you,
demanding to be fed. Sometimes they use guile -- they purr and rub
to get your attention. They know just how to butter you up to make
you go reaching for the can opener. When you come home at the
end of the day, a cat will not greet you with one tenth of the love and
excitement that a dog displays. Rather, they’ll give you an accusing
look and start demanding food, or they might go hide under a chair
until they are ready to come out and be friendly. You serve them, not
the other way around -- or so it seems.
But those who learn to live with cats and love cats become
fiercely loyal and fond of them anyway. Why is that? Because cats
have a soft, endearing side as well. They know how to display love,
and do so frequently, on their own terms. And when cats give their
love, you can be damn sure they are doing it willingly -- as much to
please themselves as you. Cats love to sit on our laps, snuggle in
our beds and purr when you rub their backs. Cats don’t give a whole
lot, but then they don’t demand as much either. They won’t go
insane if you leave them at home too long, like a dog. A cat retains
it’s independence, yet stays with you, and will not abandon you for
the neighbor’s house. Someone once said that having a house cat
is like having a wild animal living in your home. It’s wild in the sense
that it retains it’s own identity and habits, while at the same time, get-
ting along with human habits.
There are many stories of cats who have been lost or aban-
doned by a family that has moved away, sometimes several thou-
sands miles away, only to have the cat show up on the doorstep a
few months later. Now if that’s not love and loyalty, I don’t know
what is. Cats just display it differently than dogs.
To have a good marriage, our relationships should have a lot

more cat in them than dog. Men have been trying to control their
wives like dogs for centuries, and it has caused nothing but trouble.
In some cultures, women are not allowed to go out in public unless
completely covered, are not allowed to hold jobs, or be educated. In
other countries and cultures, the suppression is more subtle. Only
men get all the good leadership jobs, women are not taken as seri-
ously, women are paid less, even when doing the same jobs. Just
imagine, women didn’t have the right to cast a vote until 1920 in
America! And this kind of discrimination still raises it’s ugly head
today. Very recently, the Southern Baptist Church hierarchy issued a
policy statement saying that the Bible commands that “women sub-
mit gracefully” to their husbands, which made national headlines.
I can almost hear the brain of women boiling as they read these
words, and with good cause. The fact that they have been duped
into submissive roles for centuries has caused a backlash against
men that has manifested itself in the form of feminism, women’s
rights, and more. Men who like to dominate women, and who
expect women to submit like dogs, loath the feminist movement --
but that’s because they are fools. They think another human being
-- a female -- should act like the average dog should act, and this
never works. The fact is, it is domineering men who gave birth to
feminism because of their desire to control and make women sub-
mit. But women are human beings, and don’t like being dominated
any more than any other free and equal human being.
Rather, men need to realize that when they marry a woman,

like a cat, this woman is agreeing to share time with him, while at the
same time, not giving up her own, true self. A woman will obey when
she wants to, and ignore her partner when she feels like it. If a man
can’t handle that, he should get himself a good dog, and stay a
bachelor -- or he should get a cat and learn from it how to treat a
woman.
If a man gives his wife love and understanding, while at the

same time not dominating, the wife will return his love with a more
subtle, cat-like appreciation that is more satisfying than slavish,
eager-to-please love. Also, men who want total dominance in their
relationship have the pressure of more responsibility along with it,
which is no fun either. In the latter case, the man is responsible for
all decisions, all money matters, and all matters of personal impor-
tance. Many men subconsciously resent the pressure of these
responsibilities and degrade women even more in their minds
because of their perceived weakness -- yet this is only a situation
they have created for themselves in their ego-driven quest to be
dominant.
The points I have made in this chapter go equally for men and
women. Men should not try to dominate their wives, and women
should not try to “mold” and “train” their husbands. This latter situa-
tion is one that I hear again and again from women. They have the
mistaken idea that they can “change” a man or “shape” him if they
don’t like him the way he is. Take it from me -- this is impossible.
You can never change another person -- only yourself.
If you want to learn how to be in a happy loving relationship, get

a cat, and figure out how to get it to love you. You can never force
a cat to give it’s love -- you can only coax it, and act in a way it find
pleasing. If you do it right, a cat can be the most amazingly loyal and
loving creature -- much like a spouse.
Here is another cute saying about cats:
“A dog is a dog,
A bird is a bird,
And a cat is a person.”
I would make this statement:
A dog is a dog,
A bird is a bird,
A cat is a cat,
A and a spouse is a person.”
Finally, here is a quote from Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s book,

“Gift From The Sea.” She was the wife of the great aviator Charles
Lindbergh.
“A good relationship has a pattern like a dance and is built on

some of the same rules. The partners do not need to hold on tight-
ly, because they move confidently in the same pattern, intricate buy
gay and swift and free, like a country dance of Mozart’s. To touch
heavily would be to arrest the pattern and freeze the movement, to
check the endlessly changing beauty of its unfolding. There is no
place here for the possessive clutch, the clinging arm, the heavy
hand, only the barest touch in passing. Now arm in arm, now face to
face, now back to back -- it does not matter which. Because they
know they are partners moving to the same rhythm, creating a pat-
tern together, and being invisibly nourished by it.”
• Men love dogs but women need a different kind of love
• People love cats for their independence -- a good formula for

marriages
• When you don’t try to control, you get the attention you
deserve
• A marriage is the melding of two individual and independent

lives
21 CHAPTER 21
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT DIVORCE:

THE BIG LIE
Why do almost a million couples get divorced every year --

about half of all marriages each year?
Understanding why so many people so quickly opt for divorce

will help you stop your own impending divorce, or may convince you
that divorce is not as attractive an alternative as you might think it is.
If you are on the verge of divorce right now, or if you’re thinking that
your world will be all free and wonderful after your divorce, you need
to think this through a little more clearly, using all the information.
Not getting all the information -- that’s a major reason why so

many people choose divorce rather than work on their marital prob-
lems. Most people considering divorce have only one side of the
story -- how great things will be after a divorce. There are a number
of reasons why so many people have the mistaken notion that life
after divorce is so rosy. Let’s look at them. You’re going to find this
very interesting!
MEDIA HYPE
The media is responsible for informing us about our world, and

not just the news media. We’re talking about everything -- TV shows,
movies, radio programs, advertising, magazines and all the rest.
Part of the problem is that all of them tell only about how many
divorces there are, while all but ignoring how many successful mar-
riages there are. It’s a classic case of the legendary glass. Is it half
full or half empty? The media only cares about the half empty side
of the story -- how many divorces take place every year. You can’t
hardly pick up a newspaper or turn on the TV news without hearing
the latest divorce statistics. The news media report the “trends” in
divorce as a matter of course, but they totally ignore the “trend” of
happy marriages. If at least half the people are experiencing happi-
ness and success through marriage, why don’t we hear about that
at least as often as we hear about divorce?
Well, that’s just plain boring. Stories about the “disturbing” bal-
looning of divorce rates is far more interesting. It gives people some-
thing to think about, something to wonder about, something to worry
about. What about stories of all those millions of successful mar-
riages? That’s nice, but it’s just difficult to see the real “story” in this.
A successful marriage is considered to be normal, and not a prob-
lem -- so what’s a reporter going to write about? Successful mar-
riages are “routine.” It’s part of the flow of life. If there’s nothing
wrong, nothing broke, reporters tend to leave it alone. Yes, you
occasionally see stories of folks who have been married for 50 or 75
years, but these stories are few and far between. The reason super
marriages get covered at all is because such marriages are “unusu-
al.” The quality of “unusualness” is a primary news value. If it’s
strange or different, it’s news. So, in a sense, even when the media
covers successful marriages, the implication is that this is something

strange -- an aberration, something to be amazed at -- as if it is
much more likely that most marriages can never make it that far.
Also, the news media is in the business of reporting about prob-

lems -- conflict, danger, crime, social problems. Admittedly, we
shouldn’t be too critical of the media for this. Reporting about prob-
lems is a necessary public service. The only way we can make the
world better is by recognizing problems so that we can do something
about them. To not report problems is an Ostrich-With-Its-Head-In-
The-Sand approach. That’s no way to run the world either.
But the bad part of the news media’s focus on negative stories
is that it -- and all of us -- tend to become negative oriented as well.
It’s like that saying: “Call a man a dog once, and you insult him. Call
a man a dog a thousand times, and he may start barking!” That
which is repeated gets absorbed and internalized. Repeat it often
enough, and it becomes reality. That’s what’s happening in the case
of the news media and the way it covers divorce. Every day, we see
in the news: “Divorce! Divorce! Divorce! Millions of Divorces!” Pretty
soon, we’re all thinking that divorce is a normal part of life, some-
thing simply to be expected, accepted and entered into easily and
without penalty. Thus, hundreds of thousands of people simply opt
for divorce, thinking, “Hey, that’s life.”
But is this a true viewing of reality? Clearly it is not. The sim-

ple fact that slightly more marriages succeed than fail is the true
reality. More on this in a bit, but let’s continue on with our examina-
tion of the media.
TV GLAMORIZES THE SINGLE LIFE -- PRESENTS

FAMILIES AS DYSFUNCTIONAL
Another primary driver of the acceptance of divorce is how it is

glamorized by TV shows and movies. An increasing number of TV
shows feature main characters who are divorced, and the wacky sit-
uations they get into, or the exciting single’s life they find on the
other side of a broken marriage. In the old days, Lucy and Ricky,
Ozzy and Harriet, Rob and Laura, and even Archie and Edith Bunker
were married couples with children. All situations revolved around
married family life.
But when “That Girl” starring Marlo Thomas appeared in the

late 1960s, we see the beginning of the glamorizing of single life.
Although Thomas’ character had a boyfriend, marriage was definite-
ly on the back burner. For “That Girl”, career and living the single life
in a big city was the main thrust of all the fun.
Starting in the last 1960s, the average nuclear family was

increasingly displaced by shows featuring broken families or uncon-
ventional families. Numerous shows featured families led by a sin-
gle father, such as My Three Sons and Family Affair and the even
the Western drama Bonanza.
But the only reason these shows featured motherless families

was the fact that U.S. censorship codes actually prohibited TV
shows featuring a divorced parent! That’s hard to believe now, isn’t
it! Of course, this regulation soon fell by the wayside. It was not
realistic, and not constitutional in a country that is guaranteed free-
dom of the press, speech and artistic expression.
By 1967 all comedies featuring normal families with married

parents were canceled, while broken families, as well as "weird fam-
ilies" such as, Bewitched, The Munsters and The Addams Family
made up all prime time TV programming.
In the 1970s the trend toward weird or dysfunctional families

continued. Programs such as All In The Family, Maude, and The
Jeffersons were popular. All In The Family featured Edith and Archie
bunker constantly bickering with each other. It was a kind of domes-
tic hell that was funny because of all the disagreements, but it made
marriage seem like hell. Maude was the first program to feature a
divorced heroine who also had the first prime-time abortion. Other
shows featured single moms who were often divorced or never mar-
ried, such as Kate and Allie, One Day at a Time, and the more recent
Murphy Brown, who became famous for angering then Vice
President Dan Quayle, who criticized the show for allowing the main
character to get pregnant while not being married.
In the 1980s and 1990s, many shows featured dysfunctional

families and/or families in crisis. Made-for-TV-Movies such as The
Burning Bed detailed the horrors or spousal abuse. Also, shows like
Geraldo, Oprah, and Jerry Springer feature real-life family feuds with
guests who confess to incest, spousal abuse, Reality shows, such
as Cops and America's Most Wanted offer a range of family horrors
an numerous cases of domestic abuse.
But what’s worse about these reality shows is that they often
editorialized and theorized about how dysfunctional families were
the cause of crimes, such as robbery, prostitution, and drug dealing,
when it is more likely these problems are the result of political, sex-
ual, racial, and class problems. Again, the message was: married
families are hell!
Other programs, especially Married . . . with Children and The

Simpsons featured married families that were wildly unhappy, or
incredibly dysfunctional. Even family oriented shows like Rosanne
featured families littered with problems, including teen sex, drug
abuse, lesbian relationships, unemployment and lots of nagging,
griping and arguing between husband and wife.
Today, the most popular TV shows are those that feature sin-
gles or divorcees leading exciting and glamorous lifestyles, such as
Friends, Seinfeld, Veronica’s Closet, Living Single, and more.
So it is any wonder today that a happy married couple with a

family is coming to be viewed as the sure path to unhappiness, with
divorce being the way out, and into a glamourous life of fun, multi-
ple sex partners and fun?
The result is that we are being programmed to believe that the

single life is the good life, and the married family life is a lifestyle of
never-ending problems. Who wouldn’t want to get a divorce to get
out of this situation!
But again -- TV is not reality! It’s entertainment. It’s make

believe. TV in some respects reflects real life, but that is a long way
from concluding that TV is real life. It’s not!
LAWYERS LOVE DIVORCE
Another reason divorce is becoming so popular is the strenu-

ous attempts being made by lawyers to get all the divorce business
they can handle. Each time a couple divorces, at least two lawyers
are going to make some cash in the process. One lawyer represents
the husband, and the other the wife. The tougher and more drawn
out the divorce, the more money each lawyer makes.
Thus, lawyers spend millions of dollars a year across America

advertising “Easy Divorce” or “Uncontested Divorce $100!”
But most often, those ads promising “easy divorce” only lure
people in for the kill. People who call lawyers promising “easy
divorce” often end up in extended legal battles with their spouses.
Lawyers make little money on an “easy divorce.” Thus, most of them
do everything they can to make the divorce as complicated as pos-
sible. They do so under the guise of “fighting for their client.” That
they do, but the result is often devastating. That “easy divorce” soon
becomes a nightmare of complications, depositions, motions, court
dates, and endless legal fees.
Each lawyer does everything he or she can to get everything

they can for their client. The primary reason is that lawyers often get
one-third of a settlement in a legal case, or they get paid by the hour.
The bigger chunk they get for their divorcing client, the more money
they make. They have every reason to make a divorce as adversar-
ial and as drawn out as possible.
Many people seek out a lawyer as they are merely contemplat-

ing a divorce, but before they have decided to go ahead with it.
They think that talking to a lawyer will help them get clear in their
heads what a divorce will entail. They also think a lawyer may rec-
ommend they not get a divorce, based on the situation. This almost
never happens. When people seek the advice of a lawyer about a
divorce, the result is almost always a go ahead -- even when the
person was previously unsure about whether they wanted a divorce
or not.
Lawyers not only hard-sell divorces to people, they almost

always make the divorcing couple hate each other even more.
That’s because in the process of a divorce, each couple must give a
deposition in which they make their case for why they want a
divorce. In the deposition, the client spills out everything that is
wrong about their partner, and why they deserve a better deal in the
divorce. After a deposition is given, the other side is allowed to read
it.
In a legal divorce deposition, everything sounds ten times

worse than the client intended to make it sound. Lawyers have a
way of writing up their client’s depositions that makes the other
spouse sound as bad as possible. So when both couples read each
other’s depositions, they become even more angry and defensive,
and the process gets more ugly.
Usually there are so many hurtful and mean statements in the

course of a legal divorce, the couple find that they dislike their for-
mer spouse even more than they thought they did. Thus, after the
divorce, it become much more difficult to communicate with the ex-
spouse over necessary details, such as how to handle joint custody
of the children, and future decisions about the children’s future,
money matters, and more.
Because the lawyer-divorce process is so ugly and adversari-

al, the alternative of mediation was developed and is widely avail-
able to couples today. In this case, a third party who is not on either
side of the couple helps them work through the details of a legal
divorce. Because the mediator acts more like a unbiased referee,
the nature of a separation become much less adversarial. There is
less blaming, and the focus is working out the details of a divorce
with as little fighting as possible. Often, the mediation process caus-
es divorcing couples to reconsider and forego the divorce altogeth-
er. The simple presence of an objective cool head -- the mediator --
is often enough to get the couple thinking about solving problems,
rather than fighting for the best deal each can get at the expense of
the other. Since a mediator gets paid the same whether a couple
divorces or stays together, they are not driven, as are lawyers, to
make separations a war-like process.
Unfortunately, very few people choose mediation, or even know

such an option exists. The millions in dollars of lawyer advertising
usually wins the day, causing millions of people to jump right into a
divorce -- long before they know how ugly it is going to get.
THE HAPPY DIVORCED WIFE MYTH
Women file for divorce far more often than do men. In fact, two-
thirds of all divorce filings are instigated by women. Why is this?
It’s most often a result of frustration on many levels. In most

cases, women carry the task of monitoring the emotional state of the
marriage. They are the primary caretakers of marriages. When
things start going bad, they are the first to react and try to do some-
thing about it.
For example, if a woman starts noticing that her husband

seems to be paying more attention to his job, the TV, or his friends
outside the marriage, she’ll usually confront him by asking: “Why
don’t you spend more time with me?” Or, “Why do you stare at the
TV every night and ignore me?” Or, “You seem to enjoying being
with your buddies more than you enjoy being with me.”
Women expect direct answers to questions like these because

they get direct answers to similar questions from their women
friends and family members. But men are wired differently psycho-
logically than women. Men are not likely to talk about problems;
they are far more likely to withdraw into silence. When the women
keep pressing their men with the same questions over and over
again, the men quickly began to feel nagged. The more men with-
draw, escape into the TV, or spend more time away from home, the
more they get nagged, and a vicious circle develops.
Most women get frustrated after a time. They see their efforts
as attempts to communicate, while the man feels like he’s being
nagged. Sooner or later, the woman starts giving up. The more she
tries to communicate, the more her man withdraws, or fires back
with angry words like: “Why do you have to nag me all the time!”
This hurts the woman’s feelings even more, and things deteri-
orate from there. After weeks or months, most women feel the situ-
ation is hopeless, so they start thinking about divorce. They start
planning their escape.
Ironically, after the woman gives up on her nagging, and is

secretly thinking about escaping the marriage through divorce, the
man suddenly thinks things have gotten a whole lot better! Why?
Because his wife has stopped nagging him, he thinks the problems
are over! His wife is finally accepting him for the way he is, he
thinks, and he can finally just live his life in peace.
All the while, the woman is fantasizing about how great her life
is going to be after a divorce. She thinks about getting a new job,
moving to a new location, and most of all, finding another man who
appreciates her, and who will never freeze her out of her life. In
short, the woman thinks that life after divorce is going to be a picnic,
once she unloads her cold, lazy, uncaring husband.
But here is the truth about divorced women: Life is extremely

difficult for most of them.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, recently separated and

divorced women are more likely to be in poverty than men. The
majority of recently separated and divorced men and women are
age 25 to 44. While most of these women live with their own children
under age 18 (64 percent of separated and 57 percent of divorced
women), only about 18 percent of recently separated and divorced
men live with their own children under age 18. Separations and
divorces are often followed by sharp reductions in income due to the
loss of a spouse.
While 12 percent of recently separated men were below pover-

ty, 29 percent of recently separated women were below poverty.
Among recently divorced men and women, fewer men (9 percent)
than women (21 percent) were living below the poverty line. At the
other economic extreme, 73 percent of recently divorced men had
incomes at least twice the poverty level compared with 52 percent of
recently divorced women.
The data suggest that marital disruption results in much poorer

economic circumstances for women than for men. Most recently
widowed men and women are age 65 and over and do not work.
Since most of these people completed their educations prior to wide-
spread expansion in educational opportunities, most have a high
school degree or less. Recently widowed women are less likely than
recently widowed men to be at or above 200 percent of the poverty
level, 44 percent compared with 62 percent.
Some women think that getting married a second time is their

insurance policy against all of the above, but they are in for a rude
awakening. That’s because 60% of second marriages end in
divorce as well -- more than 10% greater than the amount of
divorces in first marriages!
The bottom line is: Life after divorce for women is most often a
very bleak existence. The myth of the “happy divorced woman” is
just that -- a myth. Life after divorce for women is an agonizing chal-
lenge on many levels. If more women were aware of this, they cer-
tainly would not be so quick to seek a divorce.
You women must realize that the grass is not likely to be green-
er on the other side of the divorce fence.
But men must realize this as well. One-third of all divorces are
instigated by men. Like women, they fall into the “divorce-is-going-
to-be-wonderful” trap as well. Men tend to think that life after divorce
is going to be filled with a lot of freedom and great sex with exciting
new partners. They think divorce means freedom from responsibil-
ities and obligations. They look forward to going out with the guys
whenever they want, without ever having to worry or explain to a
nagging wife where or how they are spending their time.
All of the above seems so nice when you don’t have it. But
once divorced men finally get single, and maybe after a few months
of giddy freedom, a large, black monster pays them a visit, and
never leaves. That monster is loneliness.
The fact is, men are much more likely to be afflicted by loneli-
ness than are women. According to the American Psychological
Association, men suffer from loneliness at a rate three times higher
than women. This is only the beginning. Loneliness, more than any-
thing else, leads to depression, the No. 1 mental illness in America.
Loneliness and depression can have a devastating effect on men.
They get sick more often, they perform more poorly at work, lose
their jobs more often, and the ultimate result of depression can be
suicide.
Men are also highly susceptible to the classic midlife crisis. It

often happens in the mid-to-late 30s, but tends to really hit hard at
age 40 and up to age 50. Married men at this age began to feel like
their life has passed them by somehow. They feel under constant
pressure to provide for their families in high stress jobs. They have
long since become bored by sex with their wives. They see their sin-
gle buddies having all kinds of fun, staying out in the bar as late as
they want, and they seem so free and unburdened.
If a 40-something man suddenly comes home with a new

sports car, starts pumping iron four times a week, gets a hair trans-
plant, and overhauls his wardrobe, you can bet your last dollar that
a midlife crisis is in full bloom.
A man in such a position not only wants a new car and a new
wardrobe, he starts to think he wants to trade in his current wife for
a newer, younger model. A man in a midlife crisis often starts think-
ing of divorce as the answer to the terrible feelings he is having of
not living life to the fullest, of not having accomplished enough, and
of wanting more exciting sex.
So he goes to a lawyer to “explore his options” and, of course,

the lawyer jumps on this opportunity to make a nice fee on a drawn-
out divorce. Before the man knows it, he’s not only having a midlife
crisis, he’s spinning out of control with an ugly divorce. If his wife
has a better lawyer than he does, he might get taken to the clean-
ers big-time. The wife gets the house, the car, custody of the chil-
dren, and most of the money. Suddenly, the man, at age 40, is fac-
ing the tough prospect of starting over from scratch. He no longer
has a lot of money, is living in a second-rate apartment, and he’s not
exactly young and good looking enough anymore to attract that spe-
cial “Trophy Girlfriend” he fantasized about while he was married.
While still married, women most often pick up on when their

husbands is in a midlife crisis. They almost always try to help. They
attempt to get their husbands to talk about what’s going on in their
minds. Of course, most men would rather walk across a mile of
shattered glass barefoot before they “talk about their problems.”
The usual male thing to do is withdraw, be silent and bury them-
selves in some activity, such as watching sports on television. Soon
the wife’s attempt to communicate starts to seem like nagging. So
the wife gives up and tries a few other tactics, like bringing home a
book about the midlife crisis, placing it strategically on the coffee
table in front of the TV, thinking the man is going to pick it up and
read it, realize what his problem is, and magically transform.
But it almost never happens that way. Rather, the man will see
the book as some kind of insult, or will dismiss it as pop psychology
crap. Reading a stupid book is not going to get him that new
Corvette or the slender blonde of his dreams! If anything, the wife’s
attempt to get the husband to look into himself results in pushing him
even further away.
Once all avenues have been exhausted by the wife, she gives
up, and is ready for anything -- including her husband’s desire for a
divorce.
THERE’S A BETTER WAY

There is hardly a case of a couple who were on the verge of

divorce, but decided to reconcile instead, and regretted their deci-
sion. Couples that decided not to divorce choose instead to solve
the problems of their marriage, rather that exchange them for poten-
tially worse problems after divorce, including poverty, depression,
loneliness, and perhaps an even worse second marriage.
The fact is, even the most broken and dysfunctional marriages
can be saved! It’s true! Believe it! Bad marriages have gotten bet-
ter by the hundreds of thousands. Each of these cases is living
proof and a testament to the undeniable truth that repairing mar-
riages is not only possible, but even much more easily done than
you ever thought possible.
You’re going to learn how terrible marriages can be trans-

formed into wonderful messages in the coming chapters of this
book. We are going to show you step-by-step a Nine-Point plan that
is all but guaranteed to stop your divorce, put your marriage back
together, and rekindle your passion for the spouse you may have
already given up on.
Reading this chapter has been your first step. You now under-
stand why you may be thinking about divorce as a viable solution,
and why this might be a delusion brought about by media myths,
hungry lawyers, midlife crisises, and false expectations.
If you have read this far, we want to congratulate you for get-
ting here. You are already in less danger of a divorce than you were
before you picked up this book. But you still have a lot of work to
do. You need to keep reading, listen and understand the marriage-
saving techniques you are going to learn about here and apply them.
A book in an of itself never helped anyone. People by millions of
weight loss books every year, yet American are more obese than
ever! It’s not enough to read the weight loss book -- the reader must
also work hard to put the principles into action to complete the
process.
The same goes for this book. Reading it is important -- but then
you must act! We won’t lie to you. Stopping a divorce and saving a
marriage is not easy, although it is definitely easier than you might
think. But nothing worth having comes easy. The harder you work,
the bigger your reward. We urge you to stay strong, stay open mind-
ed and be ready to be understanding until it hurts. The more you
give, the more you’ll receive. That’s an ancient truth that applies
doubly so for the people involved in repairing a broken marriage.
Do you want to be happier? Do you want a better sex life? Do

you want to remain prosperous, or grow more prosperous? Do you
want to make your children happy? If you answered yes to these
questions, then divorce is almost certainly not for you! Getting a
divorce promises none of the above -- but it does guarantee a whole
host of new problems you may have never thought about before. If
you’re smart, willing and strong, you’ll at least try to fix your marriage
first, and exhaust all options before you go down the bumpy, trouble-
filled road of divorce.

• We all have many false ideas about divorce
• The media gives us false idea about divorce
• Lawyers push people into divorce because it’s good for busi-
ness
• Therapists are only human; they are often children of divorce

• Divorce is extremely difficult for children
• Women suffer from divorce more because they tend to be

poor after a divorce
• Second marriages fail more often then first marriages
• Loneliness is a major factor after a divorce

DIVORCE BUSTING POWER POINTS: A

QUICK REFERENCE
1. STOP RESISTING!
• Stop banging your head against invisible walls! You

will immediately start to feel better!
• The more you struggle and resist your bad marriage,

the more you get tangled in the bad marriage web.
• Resistance is futile. Ancient wisdom and religious

thought tells us that resistance is not a good way to
handle problems.
• Stopping resistance does not mean giving up! The

important thing is to halt destructive behaviors that
aren’t helping.
• When you stop resisting, you start learning, and your

marriage will start getting better.
2. STOP CRITICIZING!
• Criticism is like acid to a marriage. Stop pouring it

on, and your marriage will stop corroding.
• Criticism simply does not work. It won’t change your

spouse. So why do it?
• Criticism only pushes your spouse closer to a possi-

ble affair with another person.
• When you stop criticizing, your marriage starts to get

better right away.
• Replace criticism with positive feedback -- compli-

ments. If criticism is like acid to a marriage, compli-
ments are like warm sunshine and water to a flower. It
makes it thrive!
3. STOP NAGGING!
• Nagging is nothing more than a habit you have cho-

sen
• You can undo the nagging habit -- and you must!
• It’s tough to stop nagging at first, but it gets easier

fast
• When you understand you have chosen to nag, you

can choose to stop
• Nagging is pointless, and gets to results
4. NEEDS AND DESIRES
• Most people mistake DESIRES for NEEDS. There’s

a big difference!
• The more you pressure your spouse to get what you

need, the more you drive him or her away.
• Wanting always seems better than having. Once you
get what you want, you’ll soon want something else, or
realize that which you wanted wasn’t all that great to

began with.
• Divorce almost never gets you want you think you

need. Most often you get just the opposite -- less of
what you need!
5. LOVING TOO MUCH
• When you love too much, you are pressuring your

spouse, and they’ll want to escape.
• Play hard to get. It works for dating people, and it will

work for married people.
• People always want what they can’t have. If you

want your spouse to want you, make it harder for them
to have you.
6. COMMON STUPID EXCUSES TO GET A

DIVORCE
• The most common excuses for wanting a divorce are

false.
• People who get divorced are more depressed than

people who fix their marriages.
• The advice of friends, family and therapists to divorce

cannot be trusted.
• Everyone deserves to be married; Everyone is wor-

thy, even if they are flawed.
• Unhappy marriages can be made happy again.
7. KILLER MARRIAGE FIXING STRATEGIES
• If you don’t love yourself, you make it hard for others

to love you.
• If you’re not happy in your marriage, “act as if” you

are happy, and you soon will be.
• Always agree, even when you don’t want to. You’ll

get what you want that way.
• Don’t give up your entire life outside the marriage.

You still need to be you.
• Saying “I love You” is okay, but there’s a point where

it stops becoming effective.
• Jealousy is the atomic power of relationships. It’s

dangerous and destructive most of the time, but good
uses can be found for it.
• No one can control us unless we let them control us.
• Being sympathetic can sometimes do wonders.
• A sincere compliment can turn even a broken mar-

riage around instantly.
• A divorce and a marriage are concepts that exist on

paper. A relationship between two people is the real
thing.
• Lawyers are trouble, but can be manipulated to help

you save a marriage.
• Just get out of your mental pain by mentally stopping

it. You’ll be able to think more clearly about your prob-
lems when you do.
• Shake up your marriage! Break out of your person-

al ruts!
• Good communication is not all it’s cracked up to be

in a marriage.
• Choose not to argue.
• Respect each other’s religious beliefs, but don’t force

yourself the believe something you don’t agree with.
Don’t argue about religion. Arguing is arguing.
8. SOLVING COMMON RELATIONSHIP PROB-

LEMS
• The best way to deal with a meddling in-law is to win

them over and get them onto your side. Never fight or
argue with them. That only drives a wedge between
you and your partner.
• The best way to deal with children the other person

brings to your relationship is to win over the children to
your side, get them to like you, and stick up for you.
• Never be judgmental of your partner for being jeal-

ous of your children. Accept his or her jealousy and it
will go away on its own.
• If your partner no wants to be you lover but “only

friends,” accept this proposition without questions.
You can’t force them to go back to the old way. When
you accept, they will most likely change their minds
back.
• Don’t get confused over the illusion of money prob-

lems. When you argue about money, you’re just argu-
ing. Stop it.
• Remember that marriage is only a legal agreement

on a piece of paper. The true reality is your relation-
ship. Don’t confuse the two.
• Your spouse “needs space.” Remember the Zen

saying: “The best way to control a cow is to give it a
very large pasture.”
• People who say they married you for “the wrong rea-
son” are only trying to rewrite history to please them-
selves. You don’t have to believe them just because
they are deluding themselves.
• The best way to handle a partner with a substance

abuse problem is to “detach with love.” Don’t help
them be a drunk. Also, look in the mirror. You are prob-
ably getting something out of your partner’s problem
that you don’t want to let go of. Change yourself, and
your partner will change.
9. THE POWER OF UNDERSTANDING
• Most people very badly want to be understood, and

know that their partner understands them. When you
show them that you do, they’ll become more reason-

able.
• Threatening your partner is a very bad idea, and

almost never gets you what you want.
10. WHAT MOVIES TELL US ABOUT MARRIAGE
• Trying to force a person to fall back in love with you

never works. It only does the opposite.
• A marriage can change for the better even when only

one person changes. And the only person you can
change is yourself.
• Opposites attract because we tend to mistake love

for something we don’t have and see in the other per-
son.
• Powerful, mutual sexual attraction is not necessarily

the best part of a relationship. It’s only one aspect,
and it may not even be necessary.
• We find people that are just like us boring after

awhile. So why try to make your mate more like you?
Rather, celebrate their differences, and find ways to
benefit from them.
11. FORGIVENESS
• The ability to forgive is essential to any lasting mar-

riage.
• The ability to accept being forgiven is just as impor-

tant.
• You must always accept some blame.
• Forgiving is the only way out of your own pain.
• Forgiving is not a moral issue -- it’s a necessity for a

good life.
• Knowing that you must forgive is easy; doing it is the

hard part.
• Don’t worry if you think you are a bad forgiver. Just

try and let the rest take care of itself.
12. CLOTHES
• To understand why your husband or wife dresses

the way they do, you need to understand the way men
and women think and feel about clothes. With under-
standing comes fewer problems about clothes.
• If you spouse wants you to dress in a certain way,

give them what they want.
• Never argue about clothes. It’s better to accept and

agree.
13. KINDNESS AND HONESTY
• Kindness is more important than honesty.

• Tell little white lies when doing so avoids trouble.
• 80% kindness and 20% honesty is the key.
• Never lie about the big stuff.

14. REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY AND PASSIVE

RESISTANCE
• Never try to fight a divorce directly. Use passive

resistance.
• If your partner asks for a divorce, tell him/her that you

agree.
• The more you try to resist a divorce, the more

strength you give to it.
15. GETTING YOUR PARTNER TO FALL BACK IN

LOVE WITH YOU
• It’s not about “I”. It’s about you -- the other person.
Think more about the other person’s needs, and you
needs will get met more often.
• It says in the Bible that “A kind word turns away

wrath.” That’s true. Always use a soft, pleasing voice
and you’ll stay out of shouting matches and soothe
anger.
• Good communication is one part talking and two

parts listening.
• You can “train” your spouse to say “yes” to you more

often if you take some time to cultivate a climate of
“yes.”
• The best way to get other people, including your

spouse, to do what you want is offer the proper reward
or bait that will make them do and act like you want
them to act.
• When you tell your spouse he or she is wrong, even

then they are wrong, you get nothing but trouble. Don’t
disagree. Either agree, or make a neutral statement
that won’t sound like an attack on your partner’s posi-
tion.
16. CREATIVE ALTERNATIVES
• An angry spouse is never ready to listen. You may

have to find creative ways to get your point across.
• It is said that desperate times breed desperate men.

And desperate marriages sometimes call for desper-
ate measures. But be careful!
• What goes on in the subconscious mind is more

important than what goes on in the conscious mind.
• Appeal to the subconscious mind and you appeal

directly to the inner self of the individual.
• The subconscious mind does not know the difference

between a truth and a lie.
• Sometimes people want to change -- they just don’t

know how. try to help them.
17. AGREE/DISAGREE
• It’s simple: Always agree and you’ll have few prob-

lems.
• The best defense is not to defend.
18. THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS

• Men love dogs but women need a different kind of

love
• People love cats for their independence -- a good for-

mula for marriages
• When you don’t try to control, you get the attention

you deserve
• A marriage is the melding of two individual and inde-

pendent lives
19. THE TRUTH ABOUT DIVORCE
• We all have many false ideas about divorce
• The media promotes false ideas about divorce
• Lawyers push people into divorce because it’s good

for business
• Therapists are only human; they are often children of

divorce
• Divorce is extremely difficult for children
• Women suffer from divorce more because they tend

to be poor after a divorce
• Second marriages fail more often then first marriages
• Loneliness is a major factor after a divorce

How To Stop Your Divorce

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© Copyright Alpha Publishing

NOTICE:This publication is designed to provide valu-

The author and publishers disclaim any personal loss or

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No Part of this publication

Chapter 1 .................................................................... Page 12

Chapter 2 ................................................................... Page 16

Chapter 3 ................................................................... Page 22

Chapter 4 ................................................................... Page 28

Chapter 5 ................................................................... Page 33

Chapter 6 ................................................................... Page 46

Chapter 7 ................................................................... Page 55

Chapter 8 ................................................................... Page 62

Chapter 9 ................................................................... Page 69

Chapter 10 ................................................................. Page107

Chapter 11 ........................................................... Page 122

Chapter 12 ........................................................... Page 126

Chapter 13 ........................................................... Page 133

Chapter 14 ............................................................ Page138

Chapter 15 ............................................................Page 158

Chapter 16 ............................................................Page 165

Chapter 17 ...........................................................Page 170

Chapter 18 ...........................................................Page 181

Chapter 19 ...........................................................Page 188

Chapter 20 ...........................................................Page 194

Chapter 21 ............................................................Page 201

Power Points Quick Glance .......................Page 215-226

DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR... ?

After 20 years of marriage, and three children now grown up

alone in their bed.

And it would usually go down hill from there.

be with each other, even to just do nothing -- but do it together.

At this point, even though a divorce would have been difficult,

DIVORCE IS NOT THE ANSWER!

solved with a few simple techniques?

So let’s get started!

THE 13 MOST COMMON STRATEGIES THAT NEVER

I want to start out by briefly listing the 13 methods I see people

1. Playing the Saint -- Many times a person who is married to

2. Tell Them You’ve Changed: Many people try to win their

3. Saying I Love You: When your partner wants to leave you,

4. Enlisting Support -- Many people in a failing marriage try

5. I’ll kill myself -- Many people try to manipulate their mate

6. The Power of Prayer -- I have nothing against religion or

7. Issuing Ultimatums -- Many people try the “stay with me or

8. Using the Children -- Children are used in all kinds of stay-

10. Having a Baby -- An amazing number of people think that

11. Repackaging -- Some wives try new clothes or hair styles,

12. Staging a Tragedy -- Some people will actually get in a car

13. Deep Communication and Honesty -- This sounds like a

So these are the major tactics millions of people try -- which is

How can I be so sure I’m right? Whether I’m right or not is

DON’T GET DEFENSIVE -- AGREE!

Let’s say you do something that irritates your spouse, and he

something else so that everyone could have had a nice time?”

You see, that’s what happens when a person opts to defend

worked before. I’m sorry, honey.”

Just remember, this is about winning. Do you want to win when

DIVORCE BUSTING POWER POINTS

• It’s simple: Always agree and you’ll have few problems.

• The best defense is not to defend.

THE 80/20 RULE AND HOW IT CAN KEEP YOUR RELA-

You know, I hate to beat up on so many media favorites, like