Milan & Kay Yerkovich emotions, avoiders dismiss difficult emotions by saying things like, “Settle down,” “Stop crying, it won't change anything,” “Forget it and move forward.” Both of these styles need to learn to identify feeling and explain their internal experiences. Pleaser need to develop boundaries and the emotion of anger. Avoiders need to learn to take their stress to people and learn to receive empathy so they can understand the value of comfort and the relief it can bring. The avoider has difficulty understanding or valuing comfort until they allow themselves to need. ‘THE COMFORT CIRCLE Purpose: To Learn to listen. The Comfort Circle repeated over and over in therapy forces the couple to learn: © Self-awareness: The ability to describe the psuche (Koine Greek =soul, inner man, psyche, inner man > psychology. Other attunement: With higher self-awareness and improved listening skills. To give a voice to thoughts and feeling states. To identify triggers and learn to regulate the resulting reactivity in the presence of a primary attachment figure who evokes the dysregulation. ‘* Empathy for themselves and spouse with respect to the childhood wounds that shaped the destructive attachment style (love style). With this comes the ability to see the little child within themselves and each other. ‘© Over time, a coherent autobiographical sketch begins to materialize which is vital to ‘emotional healing. ‘© Repetitions of the comfort cycle allow developmental stages which were missed in the person's life to be developed as an adult. Eventually, the person’s inner age and chronological ages will begin to match, Developmental lessons learned are: © Delayed gratification (© The ability to see and respect others. © Abetter defined sense of “self” and “other”. This improved since of self and trust in other allows the person to learn to “ask” the other person for help. (© Improved distress intolerance: “not knowing’, unresolved problems, issues and dilemmas. © The ability to self soothe and regulate. ‘* Eventually, individuals feel more adult like in and adult world and relational triggers which felt fatal and final as a child begin to be seen as manageable, therefore less threatening. © Bonding begins to take place between the couple as they empathically listen and meet one another's needs. © Copyright Milan and Kay Yerkovich 2013Milan and Kay Resources Inc. Copyright 2013 Beginners Comfort Circle To Start: Choose who will be the speaker and who will be the listener. Stay in the role of the listener or speaker until you have finished the questions. Then reverse roles. The speaker should have the list of soul words. The speaker should use this sheet as a guide. Instructions for the listener: INITIATE: Ask your partner to pick a family member from their childhood to talk about. Ask your partner: “Could you pick a family member from your childhood to talk about. Who would you like to pick?” LISTEN: Ask your partner: “Can you pick three words from the list of soul words and tell me what feelings you had around this family member? If you are having trouble remembering make your best guess. Repeat back what you heard in your own words what your partner said. Check for accuracy. ‘Write down the three feelings words so you don’t forget. OBSERVE: Pick one of the three feelings words your partner described and ask, “Can you share ‘a memory or story of a time when that family member made you feel = Repeat what you heard and check for accuracy. Ask your partner to rate the feelings from one to ten ( J-low 10-high). How strong were the feelings you just described when you were around this family member? VALIDATE: Then make a validating statement. J can see why you felt. when. - Repeat question #3 for the second feeling and third feeling you partner shared about being around this family member. Repeat, check for accuracy and validate each time. EIMPPATHIZE: Show tenderness whenever your partner is sharing something painful even if you don’t think your partners feeling is valid. It’s their feeling!!! ‘Summarize in your own words what you heard your partner share. Overall, what I have heard you say is. . ‘Thanks and affirm your partner for sharing. “Thanks for telling me about. oy ‘appreciate, . Last, ask your partner, “Please pick one word from the soul words list that you feel after being listened to by me, ‘Switch roles worksheets and repeat the process. 4Overview of the Comfort Circle Goal: Deeper Understanding not problem solving! 1. INITIATE comfort circle when your partner is stressed or you realize you are in your core pattern, Let's use the comfort circle, Share with me one thing thatis stressing you. OR Whatare you experiencing in this core pattern? 2. LISTEN: ALWAYS ASK ABOUT FEELINGS: MAKE SURE THE SPEAKER HAS A SOUL WORDS LIST! Ask: "Use the list of soul words and pick words that describe how you feel. Try to use more than one category on the soul words list.” Reminder: "Try not to judge the feelings you are hearing as right or wrong. Asa listener you ‘may not agree with or understand the feelings or behaviors. The goal is to keep listening to ‘gain understanding rather than just reacting. The more we listen the more likely we will reach a resolution. ‘© Ask about childhood feelings: Did you experience this feeling (or these feelings) as a child? (Around your mother, father, a sibling, school, and neighborhood? When? How old were you? Did anyone know about or help you with these feelings? (RECAP & VALIDATE). © Look for triggers: Is there a painful childhood memory that | am triggering by my (listeners) current behavior? (RECAP & VALIDATE). ‘© Summarize and repeat what you heard. In your own words, repeat back what you heard and check for accuracy. Ask the speaker to stop and let you summarize if it gets too long (before you can't remember!) Keep on recapping throughout the conversation. Recapping Statements "What you are saying Is. “Stop for a minute and let me summarize..." *So you are feeling..because.." "From your point of view, you think...and feel... “Did [miss anything?” 3. VALIDATE: Make eye contact and validate the others perspective even ifyou disagree. understand how you could feel that way. From your perspective, your feelings make sense, I would probably feel the same way if were in your situation. | see your tears, and I see how hurt you feel. I see how angry you feel and how upset this makes you. can't imagine what it would be like to can see why 4, EMPATHIZE: Show tenderness whenever you see pain. Touch and say what you see: “Jean see you are tearing up and this is painful for you.” “I se you ae struggling,” vvvyvvy 5. RESOLVE: BRING FEELINGS AND NEEDS INTO RELATIONSHIP: Ask: “Can you summarize by making a clear statement about your feelings along with a request for help. Try and fil in the blanks. © edad need ‘+ SUMMARIZE: Thank the speaker for sharing, Summarize the key points and share anything you learned that was new or helpful for you to understand. Make an honest statement about what you can do to help if avequest was made. Ask the listener to make a specific “do-able” request. sheet) © Copyright Milan and Kay Resoureos Inc. 2013 Howwelovecom 1BMilan & Kay Yerkovich www.howwelove.com SOUL WORDS © 2006 A Feelings Word List HAPPY, cheerful, delighted, clated, encouraged, glad, gratified, joyful, lighthearted, overjoyed, pleased, relieved, satisfied, thrilled, secure, optimistic. LOVING, affectionate, cozy, passionate, romantic, sexy, warm, tender, responsive, thankful, appreciative, refreshed, pleased, comforted, reassured. HIGH ENERGY, energetic, enthusiastic, excited, playful, rejuvenated, talkative, pumped motivated, driven, determined, obsessed, jittery. AMAZ IND, stunned, surprised, shocked, jolted, enlightened. ANXIOUS, afraid, uneasy, fearful, nauscated, nervous, restless, preoccupied, worried, Scared, panicky, tense, fearful, terrified, insecure, indecisive, hyper-vigilant, and cautious. CONFIDENT, positive, secure, self assured, assertive. PEACEFUL, relieved, at ease, calm, comforted, cool, relaxed, composed, protected. OVERWHELMED, apprehensive, boxed in, burdened, confused, distressed, guarded, hard-pressed, panicky, paralyzed, tense, weighted down, edgy. TRAUMATIZED, shocked, disturbed, injured, damaged, unloved, unlovable, hated. ANGRY, annoyed, controlled, manipulated, furious, grouchy, grumpy, ittitated, provoked, frustrated, hateful, cold, icy, bitter cynical, LOW ENERGY, beaten down, exhausted, tited, weak, listless, depressed, detached, withdrawn, indifferent, apathetic, lazy, bored. ALONE, avoidant, lonely, abandoned, deserted, isolated, cut off, detached, disconnected, unwanted. SAD, unhappy, ctushed, dejected, depressed, desperate, hopeless, grieved, heavy, despairing, weepy. BETRAYED, deceived, fooled, duped, tricked, misled, skeptical CONFUSED, bafiled, perplexed, mystified, bewildered, misunderstood, disoriented, ASHAMED, guilty, mortified, humiliated, embarrassed, exposed, stupid. DISAPPOINTED, let down, disheartened, disillusioned, distrustful. INVISIBLE: forgotten overlooked, unimportant, invisible, disregarded, lost. DESPISED: tidiculed, dumb, belittled, mocked, scomed, shamed, hated, detested, Copyright © 2004 Milan & Kay Yerkovich C: Matriage / Feelings Word List Revised.doc 12