• You fight like a dairy farmer.

• You fight with all the skill of a trained ape, without the
training.
• The only foe you've dropped is my expectations.
• You must have worked hard to be this incompetent.
• I'd call you a complete moron but I think you're missing
a few screws.
• You need a breath freshener. Try Alchemist's fire.
• Nono. The goal is to HIT the target.
• You have so many weapons, yet so little skill.
• I've seen fungi with more charm.
• You fight with the grace of a cow.
• Your swordsmanship is truly without equal.
• If I could save a child's life by sparing you I'd have to
think about it.
• I wish we were better strangers.
• You aren't pretty enough to be this stupid.
• You look like you lost a fight with a rake.
• I'd say you're dumb as a rock, but rocks offer better
conversation.
• Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of
elderberries.
• Well you found your life's purpose: A warning to others.
• Believe in yourself, because no one else does.
• If nothing else you're consistent.
You couldn't hit the broad side of your mother's ass.
• You've got a face not even a mother could love.
• I'm going to kill you out of mercy.
• What do you brush your teeth with a hammer?
• I can see your training paid off. You've gone from a
worthless sack of crap to a two-bit sack of crap.
• You're not half the man your mother is.
• You're not half the woman your father is.
• How about you play a nice game of hide and go fuck
yourself.
• I'd shoot you but I wouldn't wish that on any arrow.
• You're why parents beat their children.
• You look like your face was on fire and someone tried
to put it out with an ice pick.
• You remind me of Rapunzel, except instead of letting
your hair down you let your everyone else down.
• We all make mistakes. I'm sure your parents are good
people.
• You're not the worst swordsman/archer/sorcerer in the
world, but you'd better hope he doesn't die.
• Your parents should've known better.
• You make an excellent target. It must run in the family.
• If you were any more inbred you'd be a sandwich.
• So does failure run in your family?
• So what flew faster? Your arrows, or your family
leaving you?
• Your mouth looks like a grick's asshole.
• My bolts avoid you just like everyone else in your life.
• Well, at least you have your looks.
• You've inspired so many people to violence.
• You're about as useful as nipples on a breastplate.
• When you were young your home tried to run away
from you.
• Aw, did someone leave your cage open?
• When you played hide and seek as a kid no one looked
for you.
• Two wrongs don't make a right. Ask your parents.
• I wouldn't wish you on my worst enemy.
• Hey, even gods make mistakes.
• I don't want to hurt you. I just want you not to be alive
anymore.
• You must've been born drunk.
• You know, you'd look great in a casket.
• You're like the plague except a plague can kill.
• After seeing your face I'm considering taking up
drinking.
• I'd rather have died a hero than lived long enough to see
your sorry ass.
• You're what happens when God rolls a 1.
• If a princess kisses you will you stop being a bitch?
• If your brain exploded, it wouldn't even mess up your
hair!
• I'm going to write a ballad about this fight. Please tell
me your name rhymes with "horribly slaughtered"?
• If you think I'm funny, wait until my friend with the
mace starts his "knock knock" routine!
• Your spells are as bad as your breath!
• Your fighting stance reminds me of an unfolded lawn
chair!
• Is that the best you've got, or are you hoping I'll start
laughing and drop my guard?
• I think you owe the blacksmith who made your weapon
an apology!
• You couldn't fight a fire elemental if you were
underwater!
• You're lucky you were born beautiful... Unlike me, I
was born a huge fucking liar!
• Is that a breath weapon? Or do you not own a
toothbrush?
• I've met sharper loaves of bread!
• If we were assaulted by mindflayers, I think you'd be
OK!
• Your mother is so fat, she has a face on the back of her
neck that bites back at vampires!
• Your mother is so ugly, she has a collection of medusa
statues!
• What language is that? Because it sounds like bullshit
to me!
• You're lucky I have respect for the dead, because you're
finally about to get some respect!
• I don't have the time or the crayons to explain why you
shouldn't mess with us!
• You look like something I drew with my left hand!
• It must be difficult to run out of vocabulary mid-
sentence!
• I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to
pronounce!
• Your head is so far up your own ass, you could chew
your food twice!
• You dress like a donkey fucked a pinata and threw up!
• (On getting stabbed) Are you going to want this back,
or can I keep it?
• Violence may not be the answer, but its gotten us this
far.
• If Plan A doesn't work, we've got 25 more letters.
• If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far,
go together.
• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty
things.
• It's supposed to be hard. If it were easy, everyone would
do it.
• We can't die. We're too damn pretty.
• Heroes never die.
• Ruthlessness pays a lot better than integrity.
• Sometimes losing a battle you find a new way to win
the war.
• Whenever you fail, just think of all your enemies who
failed worse.
• If you want to shine, sometimes you'll get burned.
• Our failures are the foundations on which we build our
successes.
• Come what may, I'll be right behind you.
• You're better than you think you are.
• Visualize yourself succeeding and you cannot fail.
• Tough times never last, but Tough people do.
• Your greatest weapon is your determination. Do not be
afraid to use it.
• You fight til you drop. We'll be here to catch you.
• Whenever you doubt, just remember how far we've
come. We've stood outnumbered and always lived to tell
the tale.
• I think it's time for some thrilling heroics.
• If you ever get scared just think how they must feel.
• If they throw us/you to the wolves we'll/you'll come
back leading the pack.
• Every setback just makes our victory that much sweeter.
• The sharpest blade is forged in fire. The brightest
diamond born under pressure.
• We have a destiny to meet. We will find victory this
day.
• Heroes are like tea leaves. You do not know how strong
they are until you put them in hot water.
• Every enemy who stands before you proof you're
destined for greatness.
• What you think is luck is your greatness shining
through.
• The harsher the storm, the brighter the rainbow.
• The gods give the hardest battles to the strongest
warriors.
• You never know your own strength until strength is
your only option.
• The darkness attacks you because it fears your light.
• The ammount of dissappointment I'm feeling for you is
making me understand my parents.
• Did you just try to hit me? Because it didn't look like it.
• I'm trying to take you seriously but your constant
blunders make it impossible.
• You're an unbeatable argument for abortion.
• I'm doing you a favor by slicing away that awful pile of
disgusting, meat you have for a face.
• If your strategy was to make us puke, you're well on
your way to success.
• At least you're funny, or was that laughable attempt at
killing us serious?
• If you think some cheap parlor tricks are going to win
you this battle, then you're as stupid as you're weak.
• I didn't know your kind could get this fat.
• You make everyone look better by comparison.
• It worries me that you actually think you can win.
• slow and ugly? If someone should know, it's definitely
you.
• Great, now I need to wash my eyes... with acid.
• You look like someone who really needs a sword to the
face.
• Your presence is magnetic, all these weapons want to
hit you!! (Gestures rest of the party).
• You really have a lot of guts going into the open
looking like that.
• This would be more interesting if you fought a party as
pathetic as you are. You got us, so you're screwed.
• • You’re a disappointment to your ancestors!
• • You swing like a halfling!
• • I swear, if you were any worse at this, you’d be doing
our job for us!
• • How do you dress yourself in the morning?
• • Please, I’m curious: Did it take practice to be this
much of a failure or does it come naturally to you?
• • You’re like a trained ape, only, without the training!
• • Some day you’ll meet a doppelganger of yourself and
be disappointed!
• • Your magic is as bad as your breath!
• • Your very existence is an insult to all!
• • A goblin with one hand nailed to a tree would be more
of a threat than you!
• • Oh my god. Why don’t you give me your weapon so I
can hit myself with it, because that’d be more effective
than you trying it!
• • You call that an attack, I’ve seen kittens hit harder
than that!
• • Very impressive, I think I’ll hire you out for children’s
parties!
• • You’re like a gnome on stilts, real cute, but it’s not
working!
• • I’d draw my rapier, but I wouldn’t want to make you
jealous!
• • How does it feel that you’re not worthy of anyone
casting a decent spell on you!
• • Wait, wait, I just need to ask, what do you need us to
put on your headstone!
• • I’ve heard of schoolgirls with better fighting skills
than you!
• • You do know the pointy end is suppose to go in the
otherguy, right!
• • You’re such a wimp I can kill you with a insult!
• • No one will miss you.
• • Does anyone even know you’re alive? I mean...not
that you will be for long.
• • Are you sure you’re holding that properly? It doesn’t
seem to be working very well.
• • I know you’ve made a lot of terrible choices in your
life, but being here today is probably going to cost you
the most.
• • Did you actually pay these people to defend you?
• • Wait... you really thought you were going to win,
didn’t you?
• • You’re killing me here. Metaphorically, obviously, as
you’re actually the one about to die.
• • Smile for me. I don’t want to have to remember you
looking all... bloody and afraid and pathetic. Oh who
am I kidding?
• I’m not going to remember you.
• • Your defense is offensive.
• • That guy over there with the big axe is my friend.
You’re not going to like him very much, though.
• • If you think my jokes are funny, wait till my buddy
here with the axe starts his ”knock, knock” routine.
• • You tried to get ahead... but you’re just going to get
decapitated..
• • Do you even know which end is pointy?
• • I wonder if you could actually hit something or if
you’re just being polite.
• • Did they train you wrong as a joke?
• • It’s sweet how you pretend to try, but I doubt you
know what you are doing.
• • What’s the difference between you and a crowbar? A
crowbar could be useful.
• • These drakes are carrying weaker fighters on their
backs!
• You have to be some kind of protective species!
SOMEONE FIND A DRUID!
• • I’m trying to insult you as much as your existence
insults me.
• • I’d attack you directly, but so far you have not made
an attack on any of my friends.
• • You remind me of a caltrop if you fell down you could
do more damage.
• • If you are an organ donor please tell us so we can
make sure nothing else catches whatever made your this
bad.
• • When I make the epic story of this adventure, I think
I’ll skip this for a traveling scene. You’re enough of an
embarrassment to this generation, and I don’t want to
impose on future generations.
• • Of all the things the gods and devils could devise, you
are by far the biggest mistake they have ever made.
• • How appropriate, you fight like a Cow!
• • Your shoes don’t match your belt!
• • You need a bath because I’m worried about your
hygiene!
• • You’re not being very nice right now!
• • I’d ask if you have a heir I should notify... if it wasn’t
so obvious you were a virgin.
• • Is this really your best or are you hoping I’ll start
laughing at you and drop my guard?
• • You owe that weapon you are holding an apology.
• • Maybe I’ll just let you keep firing and see if you hit
me before the world runs out of arrows.
• • With aim like that, it would be more effective to just
wait
• for me to die of old age.
• • You couldn’t win a fight against a fire elemental if you
were
• underwater.
• • Are you even trying to kill me?
• • Your so god damn awful with that weapon here, I’m
surprised you even know which way to hold it by.
your mother would be disappointed in your life choices!
• • You’re such a wimp I could insult you to death!
• • Is that your grandfather’s stance? I can now see why
he is dead.
• • I have seen Kobolds with better teamwork than this.
• • Are you a comedian or a clown? Because all you seem
to be able to do is make me laugh at your abilities.
• • I’ll give you a hint on weapons 101: the sharp bit goes
toward the other man.
• • Whichever god made you had a sick sense of humor.
• • I tried to imagine what its like to be you, next time I’ll
take a phantasmal killer instead.
• • After a performance like that I suspect its safer to be in
front of you when a fight starts, thats the one place you
never manage to hit.
• • You call that a hit? Halfling children pack more
punch!
• • I can’t understand what this Gibbering Mouther is
blabbing on about. Speak Common, damn you!
• • Move it, move it, move it! I’ve seen gelatinous cubes
that would run circles around you.
• • Very smooth Romeo. I bet you’re really popular with
the Orcish chicks.
•
• • I think they gave this guy a helm without eye holes, or
he’s blind as a bat. Scratch that, a bat would have hit.
• • All this magic in the world and none of it can make
you smarter orless ugly.
• • You’re as useful as a nipple on a breast plate.
• • I’m hesitant to light you are fire, you see I’m afraid
the fumes from your disgusting sad excuse for a body
might hurt me.
• • You know what I like most about people like you?
They die!
• • Sure is a beautiful day, except where you’re standing.
• • You must be thrilled that you can bring joy to
everyone in a room by such a simple act as leaving it.
• • Who are you, again?
• • Sir, I would insult you, but I’m afraid Mother Nature
has beaten me to the punch.
• • Gentlemen, we’re in luck! Normally we must pay
admission for this sort of entertainment.
• • I’d call you a pile of dung, but you lack both the depth
and the warmth.
• • Everyone is allowed to make a mistake now and then,
but I feel you’re abusing the privilege.
• • The closest you’ll get to a war fought over you is your
parents’ divorce.
• • If you drank any more than you do now, I might think
youwere a dwarf. But then, a dwarf can actually hold
her liquor.
• • If you’re going to behave like a barbarian, you could
at least learn to fight like one.
• • Ah, I see the serfs got a hold of the weapons again.
• • Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing
oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an
apology.
• • Now we know who the spare is.
• • I’d call you breeding stock but even farm animals
have standards.
• • I’d borrow one silver piece from you but you don’t
just casually ask a man for his entire life’s savings.
• • You call that a swing? I’ve seen kobolds strike harder
than that.
• • Ahhh a hideous fiend! Oh wait no, you’re just ugly.
• • No loot is worth having to look at you!
• • Ugh what the hell is that all over your face? Oh.. that’s
just your face.
• • You have the dexterity of a rhino! And only half the
looks!
• • You are a remarkably unattractive individual who will
never find a mate!
• • What smells worse than a goblin? Oh yeah, you!
• • I don’t know whether to use charm person or hold
monster!
• • I could say you’re as ugly as an ogre, but that would
be an insult to ogres!
• • You look like the armpit of an unshaven bog hag!
• • You are maggot pie served from a dwarf’s codpiece!
• • Even evard’s black tentacles wouldn’t touch
something as gross as you!
• • Would you like me to remove that curse? Oh my
mistake, you were just born that way!
• • There is no beholder’s eye in which you are beautiful!
• • Animal friendship was the only way your parents
could get puppies to play with you!
• • Your ugly face makes a good argument against raising
the dead!
• • What’s that smell? I thought breath weapons were
supposed to come out of your mouth!
• • Did your mother cast a darkness spell to feed you!
• • No wonder you’re hiding behind cover, I’d hide too
with a face like that!
• • Do you have a pen? Well you’d better get back to it
before the farmer knows you are missing!
• • If I were you, I’d go and get my money back for that
remove curse spell!
• • Oh my god. And I thought troglodytes smelt bad!
• • Phew! Have you just cast stinking cloud or do you
always smell like that!
• • Hey, you pox ridden dung heap, I bet not even a
starving vampire would go near you!
• • By looking at you, now I know what you get when
you scrape out the bottom of the barrel!
•
• • I wish I still had that blindness spell, then I wouldn’t
have to endure that face anymore!
• • Tell me, did you run away from your parents, or did
they run away from you!
• • I was wondering what you are, you’re fat enough to be
an ogre, but I’ve never seen an ogre THAT ugly before!
• • What are you going to do for a face when the monkey
wants his arse back?
• • I don’t know whether to charm person or beast!
• • Alright guys pour on the fire damage! Wait, what? Oh
no,nevermind he’s not an actual troll.
• • Quick grab some fire...no wait, it’s ok, it’s not an
actual troll!
• • I hate to kill you, nobody should die that ugly.
• • So does all that dirt and ugly make it harder to hit you
or are you just like that for no benefit?
• • Your face looks like you used a bag of Caltrops as a
pillow last night.
• • Looking at your face reminds me, I have to start
carrying alchemist fire and acid flasks.
• • Did that other guy bring his child to work today or are
you just a malnourished adult of your species? Either
way bad parenting to not be around.
• • We’d issue you a helmet but only so I didn’t have to
look at you any more.
• • Ever heard of a razor? I’ve seen Elves with better
beards!
• Intelligence
• • I’ve received more witty banter from zombies!
• • It gives me a headache just trying to think down to
your level!
• • You’re not a complete idiot...Some parts are obviously
missing!
• • Are you always stupid, or are you making a special
effort today!
• • I’d like to leave you with one thought...but I’m not
sure you have anywhere to put it!
• • If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person
alive!
• • Well...I have met sharper loaves of bread!
• • Somewhere, you’re depriving a village of it’s idiot!
• • You’re so stupid, if an illithid tried to eat your brain, it
would starve to death!
• I was going to cast detect thoughts, but I don’t think
I’m going to find anything up there!
• • You are so damn clumsy your 0 level spells are called
will trips!
• • Sorry guys, I can’t use vicious mockery on this guy, it
doesn’t work on mindless undead.
• • You’re obviously not that smart.
• • I’d make light of your intelligence but I don’t have
years to search for it.
•
• • If I gave you a copper how long before it ended up
your nose?
Are you sure there’s not an elemental plane of stupid
you can send them back to? Something must be
worried.
• • Nothing can be that dumb! Disbelieve the illusion and
maybe it’ll go away!
• • Tell me what charity I can help that gives to special
needs like yours.
• • Your best attack against a Mind Flayer is starvation.
• • If you were a druid then you wouldn’t need Awaken to
make your companion smarter than you.
• • A wizard spends his entire life collecting items to
boost his intelligence to a gods, their haul might just
about bring you out of the negatives.
• • If I ever want a conversation like that again I will
address the wall.
• • Theres a difference between you and a golem, one is a
mindless, shambling abomination that is a mockery of
sentient life and the other is a golem.
• • Sorcerers can claim an ancestry with dragons, you
appear to be related to a brick.
• • You got a brain in that helm-holder of yours?
• • Someone cast Ogre’s Intelligence on this dumb sack of
bones.
• • You are as smart as a Halfing is tall.
• • I would insult you but I fear you do not possess the
intellect to comprehend it.
• • I’ll explain; and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be
sure to understand.
• • Isn’t it rather dangerous to use one’s entire
vocabulary in a single sentence?
• • If stupidity ever becomes valuable, there will be wars
fought over the mining rights to that head of yours
• • Somewhere, a village has lost its idiot.
• • Sir, I regret the insults I hurled at you during our last
meet-ing. Half were too kind, and the rest you probably
didn’t understand.
• • It’s pointless to make fun of you because it will take
you the rest of the day to figure it out.
• • You act as though stupidity is a virtue.
• I’ll spell it out for you, using words you can under-
stand. YOU. DUM.DUM. ME. SMART.
• • I’d teach you some manners but I doubt that you are
capableof learning them.
• • I’d say you were dropped on your head as a child but
’thrown’ seems like a more fitting word.
• • If a mind flayer ever attacks us you’re safe.
• • I’ve washed more brains off my rapier than there are
in your head.
• • Look at that gentlemen. It can speak common.
• • If I throw some peanuts at you will you do a trick?
• • If I wanted a half-orc’s opinion on military strategy,
I’d stab
• myself in the head and go from there.
• • Fresh from the Illithids, are we?
• • You’re as dumb as an ogre, and half as charming.
• • I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I hate to
fight against an unarmed opponent.
• Meta/Out of Character
• • If I knew darkvision ment I still had to look at your
ugly mug at night I’d have rolled human!
• • Your doomsday device looks like it was built by ikea!
• • You aren’t important enough for a specific insult!
• • It takes you 45 days to cook minute rice!
• • You are a one dimensional character that lacks even a
generic backstory!
• • You are irrelevant to the main plotline!
• • Do you even have a name? You are so dead.
• • Do you even have a last name?
• • Your challenge rating has to be in the negatives.
• • You’re so ugly when you take a bath the water makes
a reflex save! With advantage!
• • Charisma was OBVIOUSLY your dump stat!
• • I’ve fought mudcrabs more fearsome than you.
• • You’re momma’s so fat we use a mango for her
miniature!
• • Wow, that’s a fat ass. I guess those behind you are
gaining cover for this fight!
• • Seriously? I’m a fucking bard and I’m doing more
damage than you are!
• • Yo mamma’s so fat she’s a Large sized creature.
• • Yo mamma’s so ugly her Charisma score is a negative
number.
• • Your presence lowers the challenge rating.
• • Your fighting stance looks like an unfolded lawn
chair!
• • You smell like a leper gnome!
• • Your mother was a Murlock!
• • I guess we all know what YOUR dump stat is, private!
• • There is critically failing, and then there is you.
• • From now on your name is ’One’, because you are a
critical failure!
• • People need to make a Fortitude save just be able to
standwithin 10 feet of your stench!
• • You’re so dumb, I need to make a Will save just to talk
toyou!
• • If you had any less class, I’d mistake you for an NPC.