GUUi

Issue 18 April 2011

Floating

Poetry

news | music | film | culture | opinion

 contents
News
3 The Board - Helen Dennison says a few words.
4 What’s On - Glasgow and the GUU this month.
5 Head to Head - On the Hetherington Drama
7 Current Affairs - The European Debt Crisis
8 Current Affairs - The Limits of the Libyan War
9 Feature: A Blast of Student Poetry
Editor’s Note
Welcome to the first edition of GUUi with
myself as editor. It’s a cracker.
A few highlights include a polarised piece on
the controversial goings-on down Hetherington
House; an extract of beautiful bards as featured
on the front-page; and an expansion of our cul-
tural content. There’s enough jam packed into
this literary sandwich to keep you dear readers
fulfilled for the long library month ahead.

And I’m sure it’ll be an exciting month. Per-

Culture haps we’ll fail our exams and be forced to seek
invisible employment forevermore. Maybe
11 Film - Sucker Punch and Red Riding Hood this new war will end. Page 8 could become
an eternal momento to that short lived ‘Gadaffi
12 Music - Lightening up Rebecca Black
square go’. Perhaps the Scottish Elections will
13 Artist of the Edition - Emily Grenfell Imagery catch fire on May the 5th - either physically or
metaphorically. As it’s either more Big Alec
14 Cultural Column - Ralph Ellison and Sights SNP Salmond or ma da’ Iain very Gray for the
next five years, I doubt it. Then again I’m no
Opinion Nostradamus.

15 Comment - Crazy Games and Comedy Enjoy the issue and if you fancy ‘yirsel’ a jour-
nalist, apply via the Union to write, photograph
16 Column - Gregor Muir on Getting Dirty
or illustrate: we’re looking for new folk!
17 Sports Page - GUSA: Glasgow Champions
Michael Gray

Who did this? Contributions?

Writing, photography and artwork is
Editor: Michael Gray published via libraries@guu.co.uk
Journalists: Joe Fitzgibbon; Francesca Ruddy; Hollie Jones; Warning.
Cameron Greig; Nicola Armstrong; Gregor Muir The opinions expressed in this publication
do not represent those of the Glasgow
Photography: Henar Gomez University Union.
Guests: David Tait; Thomas Cole; Emily Grenfell; Poets
GUUi: Voted Glasgow University’s most trusted news publication

Union Noticeboard
• The second President’s Questions is on the 21st of April, 4pm, in the Chamber.

• Application forms for Freshers’ Helpers are due in by the 22nd of April at the
porter’s box.

• Application forms for Libraries Committee are due in by the 25th of April at
the porter’s box.

• 10 Hour Beach Hive will take place on the 20th of May.

The Board
Hello and welcome to the first edition of the GUUi from the brand new Board of Management 2011/12! A special
welcome to our new Libraries Convener, Michael Gray Esquire who will be taking the helm of the fine ship GUUi,
and steering through the rough seas of publication and… I’m failing on the ship metaphor, aren’t I?

My name is Helen Dennison, and I’m the Assistant Honorary Secretary of the Grand Old Union. I’m often seen kick-
ing about the building, wearing no shoes and bringing some pink into the Executive Office (the nerve centre of the
Union, where myself, the Honorary Secretary and the President can usually be found – feel free to pop by if you have
anything you need to ask us!). A lot of my job is to make GUU’s facilities available for the University’s many clubs
and societies through affiliation, to save you guys money without missing out on any (pints of) fun! So if you’re on
the committee of any societies or sports clubs, don’t hesitate to drop me a line at assthonsec@guu.co.uk – I don’t bite,
promise! All requests welcome, however weird or wonderful.

So now that shameless plug is over, I get down to expressing how very very foot-tappingly, fidgetingly, finding-
it-impossible-to-concentrate-ing-ly (?) excited I am for a certain 10 day extravaganza that is creeping ever closer…
Freshers’ Week 2011!!! A week of bouncing around campus in a GUU t-shirt, showing the Freshers that Glasgow
REALLY know how to party and that at GUU “WE HAVE MORE FUN THAN YOU!”. The best start to the academic
year. Bar none.

If you want to add your dulcet tones to the chorus of “It was always GUU, always… and forever!” there’s only one
thing to be doing before April 22nd – get yourself a Freshers’ Helper Application form from the Porter’s Box in the
Grand Old Union, and show us why you’d be the best person to give the new students a week to remember.

What are you waiting for???

Helen Dennison
Assistant Honorary Secretary
Glasgow University Union

-3- www. .co.uk

 This month
What’s On

at the GUU
C
lasses may have ended, but the Union never stops. After the Easter recess it’ll be a relief to get back into procrastinat-
ing at the Library and making the most of the social, student sanctum that is the Grand Old Union. HIVE Thursdays
are back to lighten up your life; as is Speaker Training on Tuesdays for Debaters; and Open Mic for the lovers of fine
melody on Fridays.

It’s a well known fact that the exam diet can cause stress. So take a break and sip away the worry in the Billards Hall or by
grabbing at pint in the Beer Bar. Both Bar and Billards have missed you; and I’m sure you’ve missed them in return. Turn up
on Wednesday at seven and your relaxation may give way to a competitive urge. The GUU’s snooker and poker events are
back with a vengeance, and if you can’t ‘win’ an exam you may as well succeed in some other fun form.

Yet if these regular passings of life do not quite befit your expectations of late April free time, there are a few specials on the
menu. The 21st of April witnesses the latest ‘President’s Questions’; and the 27th features a star-studded political line-up in
the GUU’s very own Scottish Election Hustings. Entertainment comes in many forms, as they say.

Although if you really are frantically busy, and dreams of days at the Union are merely a May aspiration, apply to be a Fresh-
ers’ Helper or to write for this very magazine! It’s now or never. In a crammed month, there’s much to look forward to at the
GUU.

This month
in Glasgow
G
lasgow - the dear green place. It comes alive in spring. At least that’s how it appears from Level 10 or the window
of the Bridie Library. If you do have any spare time to enjoy the greatest city in the history of civilisation and meat
pies here’s some places to start.

In that spirit of Easter here’s a sight that may catch your attention: on the 24th of April is the Yorkhill Easter Egg run. Sounds
fun. Sadly you need a motorbike. It’s a procession of thousands of bikers through the West End culminating at Yorkhill Hos-
pital for charity. Pretty nice. Keep your eyes peeled or cycle along.

Then there’s the day the country has been waiting for: the 29th of April. It’s going to be emotional. Bracket are playing in
Scotland for the first time. It’s bound to be a royal performance and a historic ocassion for the R ‘n B stylists from Lagos. If
that’s not your thing Open Mic is still on at the GUU. No matter what the TV says, the world will continue as usual on April’s
final Friday.

GUUi -4-
 Virtue
The Two Faces
Thomas Cole: A Place of Promise
T
his is only my perspective on what The Free Hether-
ington is, and I will repeat the message: the best way
to get a true impression is to visit. Here is my sum-
mary: it is a re-opened space at 13 University Gardens that
has been serving coffee and creating an amount of contro-
versy on campus for the past two months. It is populated by
people looking for somewhere to sit without being sold any-
thing, somewhere quiet to work on dissertation or do some
reading, and to find out about cuts to their courses, their jobs,
their services. The more ‘permanent’ members (they change
constantly) are a loose collection of political, active, individu-
als. Their level of previous involvement ranges from sending
stern emails, going on marches, lobbying MPs, to shutting
down polluters. From the beginning there has been no domi-
nant group, but many voices, many disagreements, many
tactics, and many misrepresentations from both inside and
outside. The people there are dedicated and hardworking,
they make jokes, sometimes they aren’t funny. The food they
cook is vegan, yes (because anyone can eat vegan food). Pea-
nuts are banned (because someone is very allergic). We have
a medic on duty at all times. Sometimes we make mistakes,
some of what we do looks strange from the outside.
‘a diverse group’
Events are run by people who request to use the space - with
guest lectures on subjects from Post-Keynsian economics to
knitting – and people enjoy them, find them educational, and
no one needs to pass an exam afterwards. We argue about
whether Cosmopolitan is a factor in the continuing sexual
inequality in this country. We make banners and placards,
and helped co-ordinate a march when the Herald revealed
cuts that will change the nature of the University of Glasgow,
and the West of Scotland, forever. We continue to be a space
against cuts to education, public services and welfare.
Some people here remember the 2003 protests against the Iraq
War – and that however good it felt to go on them, the war
still happened, and a million people are dead. Some students
here voted Liberal Democrat, only to have that party turn its
-5-
face against them. Some vote Labour, only to see them begin
the process of privatistion. Some people believed the Con-
servatives when they said they were ‘the party of the NHS’.
Some people here are disgusted that the promises made to
the people of this country after the Second World War are
being broken. The NHS, the Welfare State, the forests; the
Westminster government insists they must be dismantled
or sold, and that there is no alternative. None of these things
were in any manifesto at the last election. Some people are
simply confused about how, if there is no money left, the
bankers seem to get so much. Some people are sick of vot-
ing every 5 years and seeing nothing change.
‘beyond Iraq, beyond parties and for the Welfare State’
So, the Hetherington exists, and the majority of those who
have visited have commented on how refreshing it is, how
collegial, how discursive. The media has focused on the
controversies (NUS President Aaron Porter, David Newall’s
misrepresentation of events, a drunk off the street attacking
a member of security, someone stealing our banner). And
those events are interesting and problematic, in terms of a
passing controversy. But, if I make one prediction, it will be
that all this will seem very small next year.
‘a wider context’
That’s when the £3million of cuts at Glasgow University in
2011 will be joined by £10million more in 2012. There is no
fat to trim as it is, so more departments will close. When
hospitals begin to run out of money, libraries continue to
close, schools move to a 4 day week. When some Universi-
ties go bust and have to shut their doors. The Free Hether-
ington won’t solve these problems – they are too big – but
neither is it simply a protest against them. It is an attempt to
be active in resisting those that would take something from
you. Whatever the occupation becomes, there will still be
people – more of them now than before – looking and fight-
ing for an alternative. - Thomas Cole
www. .co.uk

of the Hetherington
Minority dissatisfaction, to David Tait
T
he illegal seizure of Hetherington Reaserch Club by
a group, including violent extremists, some of whom
are not even students at the University, has generated
considerable opposition on campus. This is despite most peo-
ple agreeing that the proposed cuts at the University have to
be opposed. It is clear that it is not the cause which repels
potential supporters.
Rather the form which this protest takes renders it not only
unsupportable but actively harmful to political discourse
on campus and alienates it from the rest of the Community.
Much of this stems from the narrative which the most aggres-
sive of the protesters have crafted around their actions. The
best form of defence being attack, when challenged by their
critics over the merits of breaking into a University build-
ing, they have responded (amongst other justifications) by
comparing the occupation to the actions of the Suffragettes
and ANC. The official blog has published articles extolling
the opinion that this is a stand against globalisation and neo-
liberalism.
‘illegal and illegitimate’
This grand narrative, this highly charged political discourse
is a form of moral absolutism. For the occupiers the debate
regarding fees is but the most immediate symptom of a glo-
balised form of repression which renders conventional av-
enues of debate unacceptable. Breaches of the law are justi-
fied, it being illegitimate by the relativistic standards of the
occupiers. This spiral of illegality, from the original seizing
of the building through to the assaulting of the President of
the NUS on campus is demonstrative of the inevitable conse-
quences of such an illegitimate foundation. The Occupation
based on a refutation of legal and social conventions is a cata-
lyst for further negative action.
This is most vividly demonstrated by the responses of op-
ponents to the Occupation. By rejecting the restrictions of
the law, the occupiers also jettison its protections. Opponents
justify themselves by a form of quasi-vigilantism, in stealing
GUUi
Vice
from and attacking the occupation. This is illustrative of the
great problem with such forms of civil disobedience- they
cannot be universalised and thus as Kant suggests they can-
not be regarded as moral. Within the context of a democratic
society with strong alternative methods for engendering
change the result of such actions is not the anarchistic self-
regulation envisioned. Rather it is chaos in which various
groups forcibly impose their views on each other. In our own
microcosm, our university campus, the effects of this have
been all too clear, a spiralling of conflict between groups.
‘chaotic civil disobedience creates conflict’
This can be averted by the reassertion of social and legal con-
ventions, by the taking of collective responsibility. Yet this
has been notable in its absence within the Occupation. There
was no repudiation of the actions of the most extreme occu-
piers in attacking and terrorising Aaron Porter, no sanction.
Instead it was proclaimed that this is the work of entirely
autonomous individuals for whom they are not responsible.
Again within our complex society that lack of social responsi-
bility has been rejected. We’ve recognised in law that groups
can and are liable for the actions of their members. When you
step forward proclaiming yourself as a group and ground
the legitimacy of your actions in that self-selecting dynamic
(as the occupiers have) then the group is required to at least
self-police. Instead by their silence they condoned the sort of
behaviour more usually expected from the most repugnant
elements of the far right.
unaccountability and self-indulgence
The reality of this occupation is that a self appointed group
has forcibly taken power for themselves, decrying the stand-
ards of society as insufficient and exempted themselves from
any obligation other than to their own consciences. It is this
lack of accountability and intellectual self-indulgence which
fatally undermines the relationship between the ordinary
person on campus and the occupation. - David Tait.
-6-
 Europe
Lisbon Lethargy
European Debt in Perspective
P
ortugal has become the most recent victim of the Eu-
ropean debt crisis as its Prime Minister last week an-
nounced that its coffers were empty. It joins Greece
and Ireland in asking the European Union for financial assist-
ance, a worrying sign for the financial health of Europe. The
now interdependent European states look towards each other
for financial support in a climate that cannot afford to let the
weak sink and the strong prosper. The Eurozone has proven
its weakness in times of trouble on a scale that, for the Brit-
ish at least, harks back to “Black Wednesday” and the failing
of the Exchange Rate Mechanism. What sets this new debt
crisis apart is that each failed state will have to be bailed out.
This will be achieved by either using the European Financial
Stability Facility, worth up to 440 bn euros or the dwindling
European Financial Stabilisation Mechanism with only 37.5
bn euros following Ireland’s bail out.
Like many of the failing European states, Portugal has be-
come subject not to high boom and bust periods but a steady
decline in competitiveness. High government spending on
developments such as infrastructure has sought to enhance
competitiveness while leaving the government with a great
volume of debt which has become increasingly difficult to fi-
nance. It was as a last resort that Prime Minister Jose Socrates
admitted that Portugal finally needed to be bailed out.
Can Europe handle the currency strain?
-7-
Unlike Ireland both Greece and Italy have faced bankruptcy
before and have both recovered. The tried and tested re-
sponse is to default, then reschedule debt by reducing in-
terest payments and extending maturities while the natural
depreciation of the currency allows for the economy to once
again become competitive. What differentiates this is the
absolute determination in Brussels and Frankfurt that no
Euro zone country should default. The reasons behind this
are relatively straightforward in that any default on pay-
ment would lead to the exposure of Europe’s major banks to
the sovereign debt of these troubled countries. This would
lead to the realisation of the true extent of the debt, casting
Europe into an even greater recession.
This now leaves many European countries that are less se-
verely affected by the recession in a difficult position. Many
European leaders have been quick to respond to Portugal’s
pleas for assistance, keen to reassure their own elector-
ate that this will have little to no impact on their domestic
economy. Angela Merkel, the German chancellor has dis-
honestly assured German voters that a Portuguese bailout
will not cost them a single Euro. Both Germany and the UK
as major stakeholders in the European Union will have to
quickly realise that this situation affects every one of us.
Britain will now look towards George Osborne to protect
the country against the catastrophe that now hangs over
mainland Europe. Despite gaining a credible reputation for
his realignment of the treasury and his implementation of
a credible plan to tackle the UK’s deficit, he is in danger of
throwing away his strong start to his tenure with a weak
response to his first financial crisis as Chancellor.
- Joe Fitzgibbon
www. .co.uk

The Long Battle for Libya
- The West mixing Blood, War and Oil -
A
gainst the bloodied backdrop of the recent Arab
uprisings; the terms ‘freedom’ and ‘protest’ are
charged with images of starving civilians, battered
and blighted, yet quietly determined to overthrow their op-
pressors. Plagued with these scenes; the Western conscience
considers its moral debt to the Libyans, whose dictator it fa-
mously helped to arm. In response: a no-fly zone is estab-
lished. But the righteous zeal of the coalition crusade sounds
tinny in the ears of the troops still grafting, understaffed and
under-resourced, in Afghanistan. The stay-at-home scep-
tics, too, question the deployment of Tornado jets to police
Libyan skies, when the British Defence budget is set for a
squeeze. Why there? Why now? And then, the recalcitrant
question: oil.
Other, more spurious motives aside; there is a valid justifica-
tion to be found for intervention in Libya. In a state where
civilians are not citizens but subjects, without any stake in
the regime that represses them, the sovereignty of the peo-
ple is not vested in that ruling regime. Particularly in Libya,
where Gaddafi’s military might is an insurmountable barrier
to any manifestation of discontent or opposition to present
governance, the people cannot self-determine. By interven-
ing to level the playing fields, this inordinate hurdle can be
demolished; allowing ordinary Libyans a fairer fight against
the established order.
The restraint shown, thus far, by the coalition forces must
continue. Further encroachment, as the annals of history
must remind us, will be characterised as a Western imposi-
tion. Already, the Arab League has expressed its unease after
initial cries for help. With ever-shifting dynamics, the powers
that be in the region cannot be relied on to provide constant
support for Western involvement.
More essentially, the very crux of ‘self’-determination is
that it is achieved organically. Artificial direction necessarily
chokes it off. To remain justifiable, then, Western interven-
tion must allow the uprisings freedom to fail. The protesters
comprise many disparate groups, underscored by tribal and
GUUi
Ethics
religious divides. If these groups are united only for the mo-
ment by their shared grievances, without shared goals for
the future; failure must inevitably ensue. To propel one of
these groups into power ahead of another is to condemn the
beleaguered nation to a future of infighting and prolonged
instability.
But how long can we count on the West to temper its gun-
toting tendencies? Already, whispers of ‘mission creep’ are
reaching the press. For, as the loyalist forces change tactics,
so too must the coalition. Embedding themselves in civilian
territories, Gaddafi’s troops have forced the West to make
tough choices. NATO’s first rebel casualties point to the con-
fusion that now reigns over the mission.
“If it is so morally repugnant to stand aside and
watch Gaddhafi persecute his people, why is it not
so repugnant to let President Ali Abdullah Saleh
continue unabated in Yemen? Why is it not imper-
ative to stop the bloodshed in Bahrain?”
Whatever the outcome, such political manoeuvring by the
coalition’s key players does little to ease concerns that the
intervention is founded on shadier motivations. With simi-
larly heinous oppression reigning in Yemen and, now, Syria;
the particular exigency for involvement in Libya is hard to
determine. If it is so morally repugnant to stand aside and
watch Gaddhafi persecute his people, why is it not so repug-
nant to let President Ali Abdullah Saleh continue unabated
in Yemen? Why is it not imperative to stop the bloodshed in
Bahrain? Such moral “double standards” (as they have been
dubbed by George Galloway) risk discrediting any good be-
ing done in Libya.
Perhaps it is too late to avoid the catcalls of ‘moral hypoc-
risy’; but it is not too late to do some good in Libya. We are
now invested in the struggle, whether for right or for wrong.
Let us not damage its progress by wading in too far. We must
remain, as long as and to the extent that we are required- and
no more. - Francesca Ruddy
-8-
 Feature

L’Allemand
People’s Poetry
Dusk Blackness closes in on her brain,
Like violet ink screaming silently as the oxygen runs low.
Penetrates the bland January sky
Tricking steadily with the ticking hours He is spent
Blanketing France in colour, smothering her with fear. Whispering “Your boy is dead.”
Snow melting against her burning cheek
She sits
Gulping down air, her vision slowly returns
In the relative danger of
To see the receding figure, silhouetted
The old stone cottage, scanning the viscous sky
by the flashing lights against the indigo sky.
Waiting for the same thing that everyone for miles around dreads.
- Gillian Roberts
Anticipation sticks her tongue to the roof of her mouth, unpleasantly.
Identity Parade
Finally it comes.
That unearthly wail, that death cry. Suddenly she knew
Sending the terrorised mice scurrying underground. Like a bird, she could move through the sky
She seizes her chance, desperation fuelling recklessness Now she was new
Stuffing the bedsheets with newspaper so her parents won’t worry. She could look him straight in the eye
Falling sensation
Bounding Feeling the strongest embrace
Across frost-encased fields Realisation
Leaving the village behind as orange beams Finding herself face to face.
Illuminate the blackness. The ominous whirring spurs her on. - Rosetta Silva
The trees are her refuge, now black, now white as the sky lights dance.
look here mate
A lone figure, i’m not gonna waste ma
Still as marble is her goal. time in conservation wi
Blurred by the restless lights a prick like you
And the snowflakes offered up by the troubled sky.
She falls into his arms, feeling nothing but her own roaring breath. ah got a job tae do.
fitba tae. drink tae.
Explosions dancin. clubs.
Begin in the distance, flooding the plain with white jog on.
Harshly illuminating not her forbidden sweetheart - Scot
With his black curls , but a strange and terrifying creature
Eyes like chipped ice, his laugh in her ear audible over the bombs. there once wis a wumin fae glasgae
- Patrick T. Baxter
He throws
Her to the ground, knocking the air out her lungs
No breath to scream. He keeps it this way, covering her mouth
His weight pressing down on her ribcage, dry twigs snapping under them
Edwin Morgan:

-9- www. .co.uk

 Feature

with Sibbald’s Sonnet

Pint Please

Start of the day, invasive display

of an all too familiar member
cereals and milk, after regurgitating ilk
from a night I can barely remember

To A President: Sibbald Sonnet

Off of the floor, out of the door
entering the 12 levels of hell What words can I, a simple man, find,
motivation lacking, quickly sacking To describe he, fair Sibbald, the greatest of our kind?
wikipedia has learnt me well Born, some claim, in an earthly manger,
An allusion to Jesus. Is Sibbald all man-kinds saviour?
Shun is signing, been imbibing
while others procrastinate away His tale from here falls into sad uncertain astray,
many a jug, round the gu thugs For heavenly or evil - witnesses remain in dismay.
that the hetherington love to portray It be certain yet from that point on,
This boy was blessed with right and with wrong.
Blimey its 9, I believe it’s time
everyone text guestlist plus twenty For ‘right’ I state he is of talented mind,
wine bottle in hand, glass wherever I stand Of dashing style and confidence unconfined;
‘Time before exams?’ the answer is plenty For ‘wrong’ I may warn all ladies before they relax,
- Dave Entwistle That his fecad has faced comparison to melting wax.

Look; Yet do not let this light moral view obscure.

my garden used to have The collosal news: all clear - a Sandyford visit cured!
one fiercely red rose, What it says on the Girls’ toilet wall,
Her roots in me, mine in her. All sensible students now think not at all.
by sharing ourselves, we made ourselves.

To a man, to an icon, to an unelected leader of all,

See; Your behaviour enlightened and entertaining to call;
Hiroshima’s wondrous cloud A sign of content of character and pureness of heart,
grow from two halves A President wellworthy we think that you art.
once whole,
Split. - Anonymous Romantic

I’m lost
in this unchained reaction.
- Stuart Picken

an: 1920-2010

GUUi - 10 -
 Film

What to see...
Sucker Punch

Z
ack Snyder’s latest brainchild Sucker Punch is bad. It’s as simple as that. Baby-
doll (Emily Browning) is banished to a mental hospital by her abusive stepfa-
ther following his realization that she inherits her deceased mother’s fortune.
The film quickly jumps from the colourless and eerie hospital to Babydoll’s very own
psychological journey, structured on the typical logic of modern computer games in
which she is unrestricted by time and space. What’s good? Not very much. An over-
powering emphasis is placed on the visuals – the epic battle scenes take precedent over
character progression and narrative. Furthermore, the camera is schizophrenic, rarely
staying still. Snyder loves to zoom and pan and sweep. And he loves a slow-mo. View-
ers don’t really get the chance to care about or get to know Babydoll or any of the other
central characters. And even if they did, there’s little to care about. They frolic about
in short skirts and crop tops, slaying monsters by fluttering their false eyelashes. Con-
sidering the initial deep psychological premise before the fantastical kicks in, it seems
inappropriate to have the heroine and her possy dressed in suspenders and heels. Snyder attempts to create a self-empower-
ing female fantasy (the majority of men are misogynistic paedos and rapists) and fails on most counts aside from epic - and
expensive - visuals.

Not to mention the soundtrack. It includes covers of the Smith’s ‘Asleep’ (bad) and Eurythmics’ ‘Sweet Dreams’ over a scene of
a stepfather abusing young girls - note lyrics of “some of them want to be abused” (very bad). All in all, everything becomes
slave to the visuals. So, what’s good? Well, the premise of the film cannot be denied its originality. Oh, and Vanessa Hudgens
looks good in a mini-skirt. - Nicola Armstrong

Red Riding Hood

L
ove triangles, werewolves and a lead actress that perpetually looks confused
– sound familiar? Not surprising, because Catherine Hardwicke, director of Twi-
light, is at it again. Red Riding Hood is a new adaptation of the old classic folk-
tale, only a bit darker and more adult with some Bella and Edward-esque brooding love
thrown in. Amanda Seyfried (yep, the one from Mean Girls who could predict the weather
with her boobs) plays Valerie, a young woman whose plans to elope with her childhood
sweetheart are scuppered when the neighbourhood werewolf starts attacking locals.

It soon becomes clear that the wolf wants something more than a tasty snack and
Valerie holds the key to protecting her friends and family. While an interesting concept,
the attraction of the mysterious ‘who’s the big bad wolf’ element is completely dulled
by the unnatural dialogue and interactions, and the clichéd characters. I would have
a dig at the actors but I don’t blame them for not being able to deliver such unbelievable lines believably; my favourite of
which being when Valerie is alone in a room and says out loud to herself ‘oh, I better go and get some more water.’ Like you
do. This film had potential and I was actually quite looking forward to seeing it but it takes itself far too seriously for its au-
dience to take it seriously. However, despite these criticisms I recommend you go and see it for yourself, after all anything’s
better than being in the library at this time of year, right? - Hollie Jones

- 11 - www. .co.uk

What to hear...
T
here are some pieces of music which so
perfectly capture an emotion, place or
time that they become akin to familiar
sentimental landmarks in the parallel sonic land-
scape of your life. As with all music, these land-
marks are particular to one’s subjective response
and, as with all music journalism, words can only
go so far in creating ghosts of these landmarks in
the reader’s mind. And it is here, I am afraid, that
the proceeding review will be approached with
such preconceptions and prejudice towards its
subject that even these ghostly inceptions of sonic
landmarks will not take hold in your mind
I am here setting the background to a song which,
although almost universally critically dismissed,
has given rise to a new sonic
landmark in my mind, in this
case capturing a particular day of
the week: the very essence of the
concept of ‘Friday’
The song in question is sung by
a 13 year old girl who goes by
the name of Rebecca Black and
is simply entitled ‘Friday’. It was
written by a company called ARK
Music Factory who write songs
and sometimes even make mu-
sic videos for super sweet 16 tweens. It is doubt-
ful whether they spend much time writing these
songs. Nonetheless, as some students will write
their essays the night before and, not having time
to consult the views of academics, will reach their
own conclusions as of necessity and as a result
attain a good grade, so ARK Music Factory have
created perfection in a time frame which cynics
would dismiss as ‘unrealistic’.
The lyrics are simple but delivered with such in-
nocence that the listener is hurled into her world.
The simplistic beat sounds like it could have been
. - Cameron Greig
GUUi
Music
stolen from the default programming of a high
school keyboard and is combined with an appeal-
ing party theme which runs throughout the song,
enticing the listener into believing that all is good
in the world of Rebecca Black. Throughout the
song, Rebecca is taken on a typical Friday journey,
waking up, having her cereal, meeting her friends
at a bus stop, and eventually attending a party at
the weekend.
The youthful excitement and energy is apparent
from the get go and doesn’t relent throughout the
song. I am not ashamed to say that Friday is buzz-
ing with such nostalgia for Fridays past that every
spin of this epic record sends a shiver up my spine
and a tear or two down my face.
This is not to say that the song
doesn’t have any flaws at all.
Every masterpiece has elements
which could be improved. These
minor grievances include the
blatant illegality of her underage
friend’s driving, the hints at her
lower than average mental capac-
ity shown through her dilemma
over which seat to choose and the
flirtation with paedophilia which
is undertaken in the intense rap
section towards the end of the song where Patrice
Wilson delivers a number of worrying lines such
as ‘passin’ by is a school bus in front of me, makes
tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream, check my time,
it’s Friday, it’s a weekend, we gonna have fun,
c’mon, c’mon’.
Regardless, Friday succeeds where so many oth-
ers have failed and has successfully and indeed
rather perfectly encapsulated the very spirit of
Friday, both as a day and as a feeling, and has pre-
sented this through a wonderful piece of electro-
pop majesty. Fuck the haters.
-- 12
14
12 -
 Artist

Artist of the Edition

Emily Grenfell: Imagery

‘Painting for me is another method of expression, sometimes i express myself with words, sometimes with
pictures. The images themselves choose their own medium, and i just recreate them physically. It’s an excellent
way to relax, and often messy... by the end i’m normally made up of patches the same colour as the painting!’

Watercolour on paper.

An image i couldn’t shake of maybe a post-apocalyptic release of

hope. The young releasing hope from a world destroyed by the old.
Butterflies as transient life-forms - the Buddhist idea of everyone
becoming butterflies between this life and the next. But it could be
the girl who’s dying, releasing her soul voluntarily...

... Maybe the old person and the girl are the same, i really don’t
know, but then that’s art innit.

The Accidental Graveyard

Acrylic on board.

An experiment with light and perspective of a sim-

plistic nature. Title derived from ideas of tunnels in
our minds, The interlinking grey matter of the brain
making an unfathomable mess of reasoning and
memory... somewhere in there i’m still just a little girl
and a little bit lost.

‘My Own Labyrinth’

- 13
11 - www. .co.uk
 Culture

Column of Culture
A Review of a Book Culture to See

INVISIBLE MAN by Ralph Ellison

Theatre:
I’ll be straight with you: I bought this book solely because I Ovid’s Metamorphosis
liked the cover. But I soon realised that it is much more than Tron Theatre
just pretty to look at. The young, black and anonymous pro- Saturday, 23rd of April
tagonist takes us on the dark and winding rollercoaster ride 7.45pm-10pm
that is his life over a couple of years, and at once dazzling 700p
and relentlessly downbeat, this is a trip you’ll never forget. ‘Roman mythology relocated to 1940s wartime Britain.’

Through a first-person narrative that is intensely personal Artwork:

from the opening line to the last, we witness what can be The Right To Play
mildly described as a series of unfortunate events varying Gallery of Modern Art
from the horrific to the downright bizarre that the protago- Sunday 24th of April
nist faces due mainly, it would seem, to his race. Following 11am-5pm
a gross misunderstanding, he is thrown out of his prestig- 0p
ious university and moves to New York seeking a new life, Dame Paula Rego, Eduardo Paolozzi, Andy Goldsworthy.
only to encounter workplace bullying and rejection from all
sides. He is lured in by the companionship of a cult called Comedy:
the Brotherhood, but experiences even more alienation, and Cheap Westend Standup
things much more sinister. Following a frenzied climax of The Stand
death and destruction, the novel ends where it started, with Tuesday Nights
the protagonist living in dark of a manhole – at the begin- 7.30pm
ning, the impression is given that he was speaking figura- 200p
tively about this hole, but at the end, you realise that this is Pure open mic comedy
in fact his reality.
Exhibition:
Ellison portrays the racial divide of 1950s America with
Drawing (On) Riverside
harshly exaggerated clarity; white men are aliens, the bad-
Kelvingrove Art Gallery
dies, constantly tramping the protagonist into the ground.
15th April-14th August
But the novel is about alienation of all kinds that we all feel
11am-5pm
at some point in our lives. The protagonist is the personifica-
0p
tion of that isolation. It plagues him throughout the novel,
Patricia Cain: drawing, painting and sculpture
pushing him away from all positive emotions and forcing
him towards the worst people and into the darkest places,
so much so that he is convinced of his own invisibility, and Music:
ends up in the darkest place of all. Midge Ure Free Gig
ABC
Despite all this doom and gloom, one can’t help but love 26th April
the protagonist and the way he bounces back from these 7pm
increasingly morbid happenings, ever more determined to 0p with online applications
make a good life for himself. The ending is far from happy, Supported by Lou Hickey
but you know from the steely, almost ironic tone of the first
page what you’re getting into. The writing is bleak and in- Academic:
fused with helplessness which creates a sense of tension and Iraqi Fiction Reading
claustrophobia, but it is also strangely invigorating to feel CCA, Suchiehall Street
the protagonist’s resilient spirit. The knockout power of this 28th April
book lies in the way Ellison conveys his theme of racism by 7pm
illustrating that, given time, even the most resilient spirit
can be trampled viciously into the ground.
donation
Readings by Abbas Khider and Kusay Hussain
Not a light read, but an enlightening one.
-Gillian Roberts

GUUi - 14 -
 Comment

Don’t Get Fat:

Get Fun and Fit.

A
s if Glasgow’s reputation wasn’t gleaming enough,
the city has recently been awarded third place in
a study investigating the unhealthiest cities in
the UK (conducted by supplement manufacturer BioCare).
Beaten only by Bristol and Worcester, the study showed that
almost half of all Glaswegians are medically overweight but
claim they are too busy to do anything about it.
planatory. Go hiking. But naked. And use lots of suncream.
2) Wife Carrying – originating in Finland, men compete in
an obstacle course while the wife hangs upside-down with
her legs around the husband’s shoulders, holding onto his
waist. The wife has to be a minimum of 49 kgs. So everyone
in Glasgow should be fine.
3) Toe Wrestling - Players must link toes and each player’s

Just over ten years ago, a global study involving 15 million
people revealed that Glasgow’s men have the second high-
est heart attack rate in the world. There were beaten only
by, wait for it…Glasgow’s women. Yay! These Glaswegian
rates proved to be ten times higher than those of Beijing,
Catalonia and Vaud Fribourg in Switzerland. While a lot
has changed in the last decade, the study would suggest
that our waistlines have not.
It’s time to swap the daily Greggs’ steak bake for a fruit sal-
ad, and put that hour you just spent Facebook stalking your
friend’s brother’s neighbour to better use at the gym. Or
not. The gym’s about as exciting as watching Emmerdale.
There’s a multitude of interesting sports out there for you
to get your teeth into and undo the damage. That is, if you
can handle people looking at you funny:
feet must touch flat on the other person’s feet. It begins with
a short introductory chant, usually ‘one, two, three, four,
I declare a toe war.’ Winning means placing a foot on the
same foot of the opponent and pinning it down. The organ-
isers applied for the sport’s inclusion in the Olympics. I’m
unsure why it was rejected.
4) Chess Boxing – a hybrid activity involving rounds of
chess and boxing. This one originated in 1992 in Holland
and begins with a four minute chess round. This is followed
by a three minute boxing match. Then, players have four
minutes of chess. And after this they play boxing for three
minutes. See where I’m going with this?
5) Oil Wrestling – Turkey’s national sport. Wrestling, but
doused in oil and wearing lederhosen. Enough said.

1) Nude Hiking – this German phenomenon has recently en- So if there’s nothing there that tickles your fancy, then I’ll be
tered the UK. It’s totally illegal in many parts of the world, damned. I have no words of wisdom for you. Just stay fat.
for obvious reasons, so be careful. Everyone remembers The
Naked Rambler circa 2004. I guess this one is pretty self-ex- - Nicola Armstrong

A few funny excuses...

An extract from a recent apology: After Mr T. bid in a charity auction
1. I was incredibly pished. I don’t remember it and I didn’t believe it was real.
2. I am not a member of the society and henceforth not willing to part with either £76 or £38
3. I do not have £38
4. I do not want either product.

I am willing to broker a deal as long as the following conditions are adhered to;

i) None of the above 4 reasons change.

ii) money will not change hands. Mr T. is still awaiting a reply.

Comedy
- 15 - www. .co.uk
 The misadventures of
What to hear... Mr. Gregor Muir
I
t’s that time of year again. The sun was officially “out”
the other day. It fair took its time, eh? For half a minute, I
thought winter was here to stay. Not that I’d have minded
particularly, for as those first lances of sunlight sliced through
the darkness of our living room window, I became painfully
aware of how dirty our flat was.
Nothing hides mess more effectively than darkness it ap-
pears. With curtains spread wide, there was little left to
veil the fact that the collective living space of four guys
gets a bit cluttered during the months spent cowering
from the Glaswegian winter. So, we set out on our Great-
est Adventure Yet. Cleaning it.
I’d never really been involved in a Spring Clean in
my life, barring a brief spell at a hotel where I was
at least paid for the labour. It quickly became ap-
parent when dealing with our flat that our Standard
Procedure of just moving stuff about until a bit of
space was clear wasn’t going to be enough. The liv-
ing room table, groaning beneath an array of bottles,
pizza boxes, glasses, plates, speakers, laptop cables,
and other sundry items was Objective 1. Turns out,
it’s reasonably effective to remove the things you
want to keep, and just sweep your arm across the re-
mainder into a bin bag. Remove said bin bag from the
premises, and you’re already well on your way.
The grand debate about who owns what piece of aban-
doned clothing/electrical device is easily solved by
just shoving them into a closet and letting the owner
deal with them at leisure. This should leave you with
a semi-clear room. Our decision to then utilise a vacu-
um cleaner (“We have a vacuum?”) proved invaluable
to stirring up dust and giving everyone a headache.
GUUi
Column
In fairness, it did actually look slightly better once we’d
finished that single room. So much so, we even attempt-
ed to clear the hall too, again with what can best be de-
scribed as “some success”. Naturally, given our morn-
ing/early afternoon of unexpected victories, it was time
for a celebratory game of FIFA before cracking on with
the other rooms.
Needless to say, the rest of the flat is still a mess.
Retrieving something from the kitchen, stacked
high with the dishes previously removed from
the living room, is akin to navigating a particular-
ly challenging assault course where everything
is dirty, and possibly already rapidly evolving.
My own bedroom, whilst not disgraceful, is
home to several piles of (clean) clothes. These
are the product of removing clothes from the
washer-dryer and rather than folding them
neatly and putting them away, letting them
fall victim to the “do it later” policy that so
defines my lifestyle.
The Greatest Adventure Yet is, as yet, incom-
plete. While the vision was a beautiful one,
the desire and cleaning abilities of those in-
volved has to be questioned. We failed our
flat with our half-baked and unprofessional
cleaning. There’s really only one option now.
Hope it stays really sunny all summer, so we
can just be outside all the time and not have to
deal with it.
A final piece of advice for others attempting the
Spring Clean: If you don’t try, you can’t fail.
I truly am an inspiration. - Gregor Muir
- 16 -
 Sport

GLASGOW SPORTS
UNIVERSITY ASSOCIATION

GUSA Report
City of Glasgow Cup 2011

On a fantastic day for all those involved with sport, Glasgow University shrugged off competition
from Glasgow Caledonian University and Strathclyde University to win the Brewin Dolphin City of
Glasgow Cup at Scotstoun Leisure Centre. The competition was remarkably close with the margin of
victory between Glasgow and second place Strathclyde a mere single point.

On a day that was fuelled by an absurdly high amount of free energy drinks provided by the cup’s
partner Red Bull, the day had a great, enthusiastic atmosphere with eleven sports taking place, most
of them at Scotstoun. The desire to win by all the teams involved was matched by the good nature of
the event. The relatively “warm” weather, which reached a balmy eighty degrees at some stages, was a
more than welcome addition to the day’s proceedings, especially compared to the previous day’s sleet,
rain and snow.

Regardless of what the weather was like outside, there was no stopping Glasgow on the basketball
court. The Men’s Basketball continued their excellent season, winning both matches by emphatic mar-
gins. Further successes indoor came from the Women’s volleyball team and the badminton club. It was
a particularly successful day for GUFC’s male and female teams, both coming out on top in their tour-
naments. One of the day’s biggest successes belongs to the Tennis club, hammering both universities
6-0.

The women’s hockey team triumphed in an evenly matched group, winning both of their matches 1-0.
Sarah Scholes, the captain of the Women’s hockey first eleven, was proud of the performance of her
team, with goals by Jill Symmington and Nicki Skratsin in the matches and solid defensive play from
Nic Lowery, Alex Mercer and Ali Sinclair. Scholes, in her final year with the team, was happy Glasgow
won the hockey trophy. “With it being my last ever Glasgow Cup, it was an absolute pleasure to lift the
winning trophy on behalf of the squad as captain in my last year!”

President of GUSA, Leo Howes, was obviously delighted with the day’s events. “I think that this year’s
City of Glasgow Cup was bigger and better than ever before and it was great to see Glasgow win the cup
for the first time in four years”, Howes said. The success of Glasgow’s teams this year, Howes claims, is
due to their professional approach towards the tournament and throughout the season, which he feels
“is a credit to the University and really made the difference in winning the competition”. The success
of the tournament overall this year provides hope that the City of Glasgow Cup can be bigger and bet-
ter in 2012, and that Glasgow can defend their trophy.
- David Childs: GUSA Publicity Convenor

- 17 - www. .co.uk