untitled

“The one where they forgot to name the show”

Written by

Dakota Conway
 ACT ONE

FADE IN

Close up on Mrs. Boteler holding a megaphone

Boteler

Welcome back students!

Camera fades out to show Mrs. Boteler dressed as a squirrel and students walk by in the hallway

Boteler

Everyone get excited! We’re (emphatically) NUTS about learning!

Narrator

The crazy woman dressed in a squirrel costume is Mrs. Boteler, the assistant principal, but let’s
not talk about her. Let’s talk about the smartest kid in 9th grade, Jonathan Puckett.

Camera moves around the hallway

Narrator

Hey, where did he go?

Camera zooms in on Jonathan as he speed walks to class

Narrator

Oh, look! There he is! Jonathan Puckett- the smartest person in 9th grade at Richland High
School.

Jonathan walks as there is a kissing couple in front of him. He bumps into the guy, and the guy
drops his books. Jonathan turns around.

Jonathan

Try not to get in my way next time you cankerous waste of space.

Jonathan goes back to speed walking

Jonathan

(mumbling to himself) Some people just need to be taken into a field and be shot at!

Narrator
 He is also the most blunt person in his grade.

Jonathan walks into his history class. He puts his backpack to the right of his desk. Then he sets,
his binder, planner, and numerous pencils on his desk.

Jonathan

(Sigh of relief) I’m finally at peace.

Jonathan begins writing the agenda in his planner

Reagan (Off screen)

(Imitating Jonathan) Good morning, Jonathan Puckett!

Jonathan drops his pencil and it rolls to the floor. Reagan appears next to his desk

Jonathan

(Startled) Oh, good evening, (shrewd smile) Reagan.

Narrator

The time was 8:00 a.m.

Reagan

(Still imitating Jonathan) Isn’t it wonderful to be back at school? I love learning. Har de har har!

Jonathan

(Excited) Oh, ye- (looks at Reagan and remembers that she is also at school with him) I suppose
it’s ok.

Reagan

(Jokingly) Don’t you love me Jonathan?

Jonathan

Like eating rat poisoning

Reagan

(Talking about Jonathan loving her) Will wouldn’t care if you do.

Jonathan

Why would Will care if I ate rat poisoning?

 Reagan

(Laughing) Oh, you and your jokes

Jonathan

(Sarcastically) Yep, I’m really funny. (Robotic) Ha…Ha…Ha

Reagan

(Still imitating Jonathan) Well, I suppose I’ll go sit down. I’ll be in the corner to not disturb you,
my good fellow.

Jonathan

(Happy with an actual smile) Super. (Gives a thumbs up)

Reagan walks to her desk

Jonathan

I wonder will the rest of my day go as peacefully.

Jonathan picks up pencil and goes back to writing in his planner.

Dakota (Off screen)

Johnny boy!

Jonathan drops pencil again and again it rolls to the floor. Dakota appears.

Jonathan

(Disgruntled with another shrewd smile) Good evening to you, too, Dakota.

Narrator

The time was [8:00 a.m. plus real time minutes]

Dakota

You sure seem like an unhappy, Charles Lyell. Don’t you?

Flashback: Dakota and Jonathan doing a science project. Dakota is an interviewer and Jonathan
is Charles Lyell.

Narrator (As the actual video plays)

 Last year, Dakota and Jonathan performed a talk show skit about evolutionist Charles Lyell for
biology class.

After numerous rewrites by Dakota, Jonathan legitimately got angry and left the video.

Dakota is interviewing Jonathan when Jonathan gets angry and rips up a picture in the
background. He then storms out of his chair.

Narrator

Thinking it was all scripted, the biology teacher Mrs. Knight gave the two an A.

Zoom in on the picture of Jonathan’s grade on a refrigerator that has other numerous A’s

Cut back to present time

Jonathan

I suppose so.

Dakota

Well, I’m going to sit in the back with Reagan and everybody else. I’ll talk to you later.

Jonathan

Super. (Gives a thumbs up.)

Bell rings. Mr. Westerfield shuts the door.

Mr. Westerfield

Ok, class. I’m Mr. Westerfield so let’s begin.

Chyron reads: 30 minutes later.

Mr. Westerfield

So let’s say Jonathan’s desk is Poland.

Cut to Jonathan’s concerned look then back to Westerfield.

Mr. Westerfield

Hitler’s invasion jumped to Poland (Mr. Westerfield jumps to Jonathan’s desk)

Cut to Jonathan with a concerned look scooting his desk back

Mr. Westerfield
 Now, let’s say that LaDarius’s desk is Denmark (Mr. Westerfield jumps to LaDarius’s desk)

Mr. Westerfield in the background talking and jumping. Cut to Reagan and Dakota trying to get
Jonathans’s attention

Reagan & Dakota

(Whispering & waving their hands) Jonathan, Jonathan, Jonathan

Jonathan with an aggravated look is looking at Mr. Westerfield jumping across the classroom

Reagan

(Holding a rubber band pencil shooter) This should get his attention

Reagan shoots the pencil shooter and it hits Jonathan painfully in the back of the neck

Jonathan holds his neck screaming in pain

Jonathan

(Holding back of neck) Goodness gracious!

Mr. Westerfield

Hey! You need to take this seriously! Do I look funny to you?

Narrator

In fact, he did! Jonathan thought Mr. Westerfield bared a striking resemblance to the cartoon dog
Droopy.

Side by side picture of Droopy and Mr. Westerfield

Cut back to Jonathan

Jonathan

(Takes back hand off neck and holds both hand together) No sir. (Sternly as he looks at Reagan
& Dakota) I will not be disruptive anymore.

Mr. Westerfield

(Looks at Jonathan) Ok. As I was saying, he then---(cut off by intercom noise)

Camera pans to the intercom

Boetler’s voice
Hey, there teachers and student. Pardon me for the interruption I’m just going to announce these
names to come to the office and then I’ll be done. (Camera pans to different students’ bored
facial expression as she talks on the intercom) Jamal Stevens, Lisa Jones, Lenny Jones, Lola
Jones, Jamie Nelson, Suzie Nelson, Bobby James, Jamie James, and Marcus Bolton.

Cut back to Westerfield

Westerfield

As I was saying—(cut off by Mrs. Boetler)

Boelter’s voice

I’m going to repeat those names on more. Jamal Stevens, Lisa Jones, Lenny Jo-

Westerfield

I’m tired of people interrupting me

Westerfield grabs a textbook and throws it at the class intercom, and it breaks before Mrs.
Boetler can finish saying Lola. He then begins to foam at the mouth.

Camera focuses on Jonathan’s and the class’s shocked expression.

Chyron reads 1 hour later

The bell rings.

Narrator

After a disappointing first block, Jonathan was hoping things would get better as he headed to
English class.

Jonathan speed walks to English class. As he walks, he bumps into the same couple he bumped
into the first time, and the same results happen.

Jonathan

Will you two just stop existing?!

Jonathan walks into class and sits in a group of four desks. He does his same ritual as he did in
history. He then begins writing the agenda in his planner.

Jonathan

Maybe I’ll finally get some peace in this class

Narrator
 Think again

Will (Off screen)

Well, if it isn’t my good friend Jonathan!

The same results happen as they did when Reagan and Dakota surprised him.

Jonathan

(Aggravated) A good evening to you, too…(looks Will down),Will

Narrator

The time was 9:30 a.m.

Will

An interesting fact I read over the summer: If you eat a polar bear’s liver you will die because
humans can’t handle that much vitamin A.

Jonathan

(Picks up pencil and smiles at Will) I’m not that lucky. (He continues to write)

Will

(Looks at Jonathan’s hair) I think that’s the one thing I missed the most over the summer.

Jonathan

I didn’t know you appreciated my dry humor as much as I thought.

Will

No, I’m talking about fixing your cowlick. (Licks his hand.) Here let me fix it. (Will tries to fix
Jonathan’s hair)

Jonathan

(Moves body around in desk) Why get away from me, you callous giraffe!

Will

(Still trying) Just let me fix it and you’d look nice!

Jonathan

I always look nice! I’m a nice person! (Jonathan picks up a pencil and waves it around Will)
Flashback to Jonathan’s encounters with the kissing couple

Cut back to present time

Will

Oh, and look at that! Again, you are wearing black pants with brown shoes. When will you
learn?

Jonathan

The same time you get a girlfriend that’s not so…so… crazy!

Reagan (Off screen)

(Imitating Jonathan) Jonathan, I can’t believe you said that!

Reagan appears

Jonathan

(Sarcastically) Oh, great. I get the pleasure of having another class with you. Can this class get
any better?

Dakota (Off screen)

Johnny!

Dakota walks into the classroom with a bottle of chocolate milk.

Dakota

I just telling someone how happy I was that we all have a class together. You know—

Dakota trips. The soda splashes onto Jonathan. Dakota, Reagan, and Will look at Jonathan.

Jonathan

(Soaked and holding back a scream) I woke up the epitome of fashion… and now I’m a pig
wallowing in the mud! You people have the combined I.Q. of a Pop Tart!

Will

We are all in the top 10 of our grade. We won’t stand for your insults!

Jonathan

(Furious) You…You…(Laughing) Then, why don’t you… have a seat? (Laughing crazily)
 Will

We will! (Will sits down in the desk across Jonathan. Reagan sits beside Will, and Dakota sits
beside Jonathan)

Bell rings. Mrs. McAnally comes in the room and closes the door

Mrs. McAnally

I hope you all like where you’re sitting because these will be your permanent seats for the year.

Jonathan

(Bites lip)… I think I’m going to be sick.

Will

You all remember that time I was real sick?

Narrator

He was never was sick.

Flashback: Will reading science books

Reading too many science books, Will learned about brain-eating amoebas. After learning it was
contractible by water, Will began to panic since he went swimming in his grandfather’s lake
every other week.

Flashback: Will in school

Chance

Hey, Will.

Will

(Scared and shaking) Don’t sneak up on me like that!

Flashback: Will at the doctor’s office

Narrator

At his doctor’s appointment, Will learned that he had lost 25 pounds in one week.

Doctor

Can you tell me how you lost so much weight in one week?
Will gets on his knees and pulls back and forth on the doctor’s jacket.

Will

(Pleading) You got to help me doctor! It’s this amoeba! It’s eating my brain!

Doctor

(Mumbling to himself) I’m not sure that’s possible.

Cut to the doctor looking at an angry look on Will’s mom’s face.

Doctor

Umm…Umm… Let’s run a test.

Cut to Will getting a cat scan

Will

(As he goes into the machine) I’m a dead man! A dead man I tell you! A dead man!

Cut back to present day

Narrator

The results showed that no amoeba caused any weight loss. Instead, it was the worrying about
the amoeba.

Reagan

(Sarcastically) I’m surprised that I almost forgot.

Camera cuts to 25-year-old Mrs. McAnally entering the classroom

Mrs. McAnally

Ok, class. I’m Mrs. McAnally. You all are to each bring food Friday named after characters of
“Julius Caesar,” which you read over the summer. Group with the best food wins extra points on
a test. You may now discuss as a group.

Reagan

I got it! Portia pizza.

Jonathan

(Jokingly) Wait, we’re not going to do any get-to-know-one-another exercise?

 Mrs. McAnally

(Angered and disinterested) Those are for nerdy, ugly losers, and people who like those barely
have any friends.

Cut to Jonathan’s shocked face.

Dakota

Portia’s upside down pineapple cake?

Will

dCassius corn?

Reagan

Octavius orange smoothie?

Jonathan

(Still bewildered by his teacher’s insult) Uh…Uh…I’ve got it! Portia’s portabella mushrooms.

Dakota, Will, & Reagan do a light laugh

Will

(Chuckling) Haha! That’s a good one

Reagan

(Imitating Jonathan) Portabella mushrooms! Delicious, delicious, delicious! Har de har har!

Jonathan

Well, everyone likes mushrooms.

Reagan

I’m allergic to mushrooms, you insensitive person!

Jonathan

Well, how about Brutus’s beefcake?

Dakota

What on Earth is a beefcake?

 Will

Let’s ask Mrs. McAnally what’s she’s bringing. Mrs. McAnally, what are you bringing.

Mrs. McAnally

(Looking in a mirror and applying eye liner) Huh?

Will

What are you bringing?

Mrs. McAnally

(Turns around) Caesar salad.

Everyone laughs except for Jonathan & Mrs. McAnally.

Reagan

(Imitating Mrs. McAnally’s high-pitched voice) Haha. I’m so clever. I’m bringing Caesar salad.
(Laughing) Huh Huh Huh Huh!

Will

(Mockingly) Why don’t you bring some McAnally & cheese while you’re at it?

Jonathan

(Surprisingly laughing) Bring the Amberoshia salad, too.

Laughing stops.

Reagan

I don’t get it.

Dakota

Me either.

Jonathan

(Hand gesturing) You know? Like her name?”

Will

If I had to eat a salad, I would probably die.

 Dakota

Why don’t you bring eggs? After all, this project is due fry-day.

Laughing between the three friends resumes.

Jonathan

Today’s going to be a long day.

Cut to the outside bell ringing

Narrator

After another aggravating class period, Jonathan was hoping to start over in chemistry class.

Camera shows Jonathan speed walking to chemistry class.

Camden, who has a crush on Jonathan, appears out of nowhere

Camden

Jonathan, as if I haven’t seen you in 24 hours! How are you doing?

As Jonathan races up the stairs, he sees the same kissing couple. Instead of saying anything, he
strategically make his backpack push the guy. Taking the girl with him, the guys falls down and
tackles Camden. Jonathan then enters chemistry class and sits down at a table.

Jonathan does his same ritual. As he writes in his planner, there is a flashback to his two previous
encounters while writing the agenda.

Jonathan

You know what? (Closes planner.) I’ll write it later.

Dakota enters

Dakota

Johnny boy!

Jonathan

I had a feeling you would be in here. At least you’re the least annoying of your little…Axis of
Evil.

Dakota
 Yeah, Reagan has choir this block but Will should be in here soon. Also, the only weapons of
mass destruction I have, (flexes “muscles”) are these babies.

Jonathan

(Sarcastically) Lovely.

Dakota

Can I sit next to you?

Jonathan

You did last block…so I suppose.

Dakota sits down. Will then appears.

Will

You’re in this class, too, Jonathan? I didn’t know.

Jonathan

You snatched my schedule this morning before school started.

Will

Did I?

Flashback to Will and Jonathan outside of the school fighting over Jonathan’s schedule.

Will

Let…me…see! (Grabs schedule and falls into a bush) Hey, look! We have chemistry together.

Jonathan

Please don’t say that again.

Cut to present day

Will

Mind if I-?

Jonathan

(Sarcastically) Not a problem at all.

Will sits to the right of Jonathan. Dakota and Will write in their planners but Jonathan doesn’t
because he thinks he has already done so. The bell rings and the door closes.

Ms. Lipking (Off screen)

Good afternoon, class. I’m Ms. Lipking. Where you are sitting now will be your seat for the rest
of the year.

Cut to Jonathan with a displeased face

Background talking

Narrator

Mrs. Lipking declined to play herself so we hired the closest person who looked like her.

Camera zooms into Demi Moore sitting at the teacher’s desk since she is playing Mrs. Lipking.

Ms. Lipking

-so that’s how I ended up here, a divorced animal activist with millions, and in full custody of
my two kids. Is there anything you guys want to tell me?

Danielle

Hey, you kind of look like De-

Ms. Lipking

-Kate Upton! Yeah, I get that a lot. (Takes a bite of an apple)

Dakota

Really? I think more of like Nelly Furtado.

Ms. Lipking

I’ve heard that, too , but I get Kate Upton more. (Takes another bite of apple)

Narrator

In fact, she looked like many people to different students, but we don’t have enough time to say
them all.

Ms. Lipking

Ok. Anything else you guys would like to learn about me?

Gracie
 Who would you describe as you’re perfect husband?

Ms. Lipking

Zac Efron! I know I look too young for him.

Narrator

She was 40.

Ms. Lipking

-but that didn’t stop me the first two times.

Cut to Will touching Jonathan’s beard.

Will

Have you thought about shaving?

Jonathan

Please stop.

Will

“Duck Dynasty” is over now, Jonathan. You know that, right?

Jonathan

Will you shut your mouth, you fat cow?

Narrator

Will was a healthy 175.

Cut to Ms. Lipking.

Ms. Lipking

Who said that?

Will stretches his arms and points to Jonathan

Ms. Lipking

What is your name?

Jonathan
 (Stands up) Oh, my name is Jo-

Ms. Lipking

Sit down. (Makes gesture with her finger.)

Jonathan

My name is Jonathan Puckett.

Ms. Lipking

Yeah, I know who you are. I’ve been hearing about how it’s such a joy to teach a super smart
student. Well, if you were so smart, you would know that many cows are starving and underfed.
Chew on that cud. Might as well. You take everything from animals and then you take their
lives. What a shame that our hunger is ruining the lives of animals. Remember something: there
is an I in “iguana.”

Cut to Jonathan with a puzzled face.

Ms. Lipking

(Holding a pen, get out of her desk) Now, I’m going to go around the room signing planners. I’ll
start with this middle table. Then, work my way around counter clockwise. She approaches
Jonathan’s table. Him, Dakota, & Will open their planners. Jonathan holds his hands in front of
his face thinking he wrote in his planner. Dakota and Will hand Ms. Lipking their planners and
she signs them; however, she looks displeased at Jonathan.

Ms. Lipking

You’re just the class clown aren’t you?

Jonathan

Excuse me?

Ms. Lipking

Why didn’t you write your agenda and homework in your planner?

Jonathan

(Looks at planner) Oh! Sorry about that. In the last two class, whenever I began to write in my
planner, someone would sneak up on me so I was just going until everyone came in but I forgot.

Ms. Lipking

(Unsatisfied) Uh Huh.
 Jonathan

I understand writing that I have homework, but the agenda? I mean that is pointless (light
laughing) since we’ll do it that day so …(looks at Ms. Lipking’s displeased face)

Ms. Lipking

Why do I feel like you are a liar?

Jonathan

(Shocked) Excuse me.

Ms. Lipking

You know my ex-husband was a liar… and an alcoholic.

Jonathan

I had no idea

Ms. Lipking

Why? After all, you are very smart.

Jonathan

(Tugs on collar) Is it scolding in here to you?

Ms. Lipking

What are you inferring?

Jonathan

I was just wondering if you’d mind turning the fan on.

Ms. Lipking

You’re inferring that I’m the devil and my classroom is Hell. Yes (Tilts head to the side) or no?

Jonathan

(Defending but trying to be polite) What? No I just thou-

Ms. Lipking

I have a three-strike-then-detention-policy. You’re at strike two. I better see a change in you

soon.
 Jonathan

Yes, m’am.

Ms. Lipking leaves the table and goes around signing planners.

Will

(Shaking his head) Where did it all go wrong, Jonathan? Where did it all go wrong?

Jonathan

The same time your mother she decided to have a child.

Will

(Whispering) My parents tried for 10 years before as I was born! It takes time to craft perfection,
you jerk! Plus, my mom was the same age your mom was when she married your AARP-
CERTIFIED STEPDAD!

Jonathan

(Whispering) Don’t start with me!

Ms. Lipking is back at her desk.

Ms. Lipking

Ok, class. Your parents all signed the permission slip yesterday at open house so we are going to
start lab today. I know Mrs. Knight didn’t mind cutting up dead innocent frogs last year, but I
won’t stand for that.

Narrator

You’re a chemistry teacher; you don’t deal with animals.

Ms. Lipking

Instead, we will be testing pH balances with litmus paper. Go in the back and get your materials

Students get out of their seats and head to the back

Jonathan

(Angrily) I’ll do it.

Dakota

(To Will) Does he seem tense to you?

 Will

(Shrugs) I wonder if he’s still mad about the portabella mushrooms.

Jonathan comes back and puts the material box on the table. He passes out the aprons and
goggles. Dakota looks at the box.

Dakota

Jonathan this the box for table 2. We’re table 1.

Jonathan

Well, I suppose I’ll go and swi-(As in switch)

Ms. Lipking (Off screen)

Messing up the experiment aren’t you?

Ms. Lipking appears.

Jonathan

No, it was ju-(As in just)

Ms. Lipking

Just an accident. Like how my mom accidently gave the bagel business to my brother in her will

Cut to a newspaper clipping that reads “Brittney’s Bagels to Heather’s Bagels to Bob’s Bagels.”
Underneath is a picture of Bob cutting the ribbon while Ms. Lipking unhappily looks away

Cut back to present day

Ms. Lipking

Why don’t you take me seriously? Do I look like funny to you? Is that it?

Narrator

In fact, she did before the plastic surgery.

Ms. Lipking

I’ll see you after school for detention.

Jonathan

But…but…
 Ms. Lipking

That’s the next surgery. However, that’s none of your business. Today, after school or you’re
suspended.

Ms. Lipking leaves

Jonathan

Oh dear.

Ms. Lipking hears Jonathan and comes back.

Ms. Lipking

Oh, so now you’re talking about deer. Well, let me tell you about this city’s dear population. The
deer population in this town i- (as in is)

Frame freezes

Narrator

Right now seems like a good time for a commercial break so let’s do that.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
FADE IN

EXT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA

INT. JONATHAN IN THE LUNCH LINE TALKING

Narrator

After getting detention for the first time in his life, Jonathan was hoping Mystery Meat Monday
would cheer him up...it never did.

Jonathan

-And that’s how I got detention for the first time. Please, don’t e-mail her, though. That would
make it worse.

Narrator

Jonathan was talking to his mother who was a cafeteria lady. We tried to hire Emmy-nominated
actress Marilu Henner to play her, but she forcefully insisted on herself.

Jonathan’s hands Jonathan his tray. The camera now sees that she is being played by Daina
Poland Puckett Sherrick.

Mrs. Puckett

And I care all about this why?

Jonathan

I’m your son.

Mrs. Puckett

Eh, whatever.

Jonathan puts in his lunch number and then gets out of the line. He then heads over to a lunch
table.

Jonathan

At least I get to enjoy my meal in peace.

Dakota sits next to the left of Jonathan, and Will sits next to the right of Jonathan

Will

What are we eating today, rebel?

 Jonathan

(Dryly) Food.

Will

(Sarcastically) Really? I had no idea. I am having a sandwich. (Will opens up a bag of Cheetos
and takes off the top of his sandwich. He then puts Cheetos on the bottom bread and fixes it.)

Jonathan

What is the purpose for that vile concoction?

Will

Silly, simple-minded Jonathan. Everyone knows the mixture of cheese dust and jelly can prevent
small pox.

Jonathan

There hasn’t been a case of small pox in the U.S. for decades.

Will

(Holds finger up) That you know of.

Dakota

What are you going to do now that you got your first detention?

Jonathan

I suppose go to it and then try to move on from the incident… I had a $1,000 essay contest to
compete in at 5, but… (throws hands up) Oh well.

Will hears this and perks up.

Dakota

Why would you enter something like that on the first day of school? Jonathan, I think you do too
much. You need to sit back and enjoy life.

Jonathan

What? Don’t I already look like I’m enjoying life (Close up of Jonathan like the detailed picture
of that nasty Krabby Patty that SpongeBob made in the episode with the health inspector.)

Dakota
 (Concerned) No…

Jonathan

Eh, whatever.

Dakota

Well, If it makes you feel any better, I don’t like Ms. Lipking either.

Narrator

Dakota did not like her because she bared a striking resemblance to computer game and T.V.
show villain, Carmen Sandiego.

Cut to picture of Carmen Sandiego

Narrator

Dakota’s previous science, Mrs. Knight bared a striking resemblance to actress Neve Campbell.

Cut to a picture of Neve Campbell

Narrator

Being a fan of “Party of Five” and Neve Campbell’s voice over work as Nala in “The Lion King
II: Simba’s Pride” this resemblance made Mrs. Knight one of Dakota’s favorite teachers.
However, Mrs. Knight declined for her face be seen.

Cut to a side by side picture of Neve Campbell and Neve Campbell’s face on Mrs. Knight’s body

Narrator

So this is a poorly edited side-by-side picture of Neve Campbell and her face attached to Mrs.
Knight’s body.

Cut back to present day

Jonathan

(Sad) Well, hopefully my day will get better. I feel like a disappointment.

Will

(Looks at Jonathan’s fish paste sandwich) Are you going to finish that sandwich?

Jonathan

Not unless I want plastic to be in my digestive system.

 Will

Can I have it?

Jonathan

I’ve bit off of it!

Will

(Takes the sandwich) Don’t care

Jonathan

How repulsive!

Will

(Rubs sandwich in ketchup. Takes and bites and starts talking with his mouth full) Yummy,
yummy in my tummy!

Jonathan

Oh, you just make me sick! You freak out months about a non-existent amoeba but aren’t afraid
to eat plastic!

Will

(Mouth full) I know what I’m doing…Are going to eat that cookie?

Jonathan

No! They’re too happy and round!

Will

(Swallows. No more food in mouth.) Can I have it?

Jonathan picks up the cookie and throws it on the floor. Will reaches down, picks it up, dusts it
off, and takes a bite.

Will

(Mouth full) Five second rule.

A janitor comes around with the trash can and Jonathan throws up in it.

Dakota
 Well, like you said, maybe your day will get better.

Narrator

It didn’t. After chemistry, Jonathan was looking to make things better in Spanish class. However,
like I said, it did not get much better.

Cut to a close up of Charo writing on the white board

Charo

Holá, class. I am Señora Goodman, your Spanish teacher.

Narrator

After news broke out of Senora Goodman’s death from food poisoning from eating the Mexican
food she loved,

Cut to a newspaper clipping with a headline that reads “Teacher Dies from Food Poisoning.” An
article on the side reads “Show Without a Name to Debut Soon’”

Narrator

We hired the next best thing.

Cut back to present day

Charo

We are going to have a fantastico time here. I’m so excited. (Climbs on top of desk & does her
“Ay Ay Ay Cuchi Cuchi” bit)

Narrator

I feel obligated to say that word is the abbreviation for a type of dog she had.

Cut to assistant principal Mr. Yates and assistant principal Mr. Bullock looking at Charo in the
doorway. The real Senora Noemi Goodman enters and motions with her finger for Charo to
leave.

Narrator

As it turned out, the newspaper confused Senora Goodman with rising pop singer Nicanora
Rodman.

Cut to newspaper with a headline that reads “Famous Singer Instead of Regular Person.”

Narrator
 Now, we have the real thing.

Senora Goodman at the board.

Senora Goodman

As you all know, I am Senora Goodman. Instead of learning the classroom rules in Spanish like I
do every year first day of school, I figured we’d do some dancing.

Cut to Jonathan’s shock face

Cut to Goodman on the computer.

Senora Goodman

(Typing) We will be doing a simple dance to “La Vida Es Un Carnaval.” (Presses Smartboard
button. It turns on.) If someone would turn off the lights, we will get started.

The light goes off.

Jonathan raises hand.

Senora Goodman

Yes.

Jonathan

(Puts hand down) As a suggestion, wouldn’t it make more sense to learn the rules and then
dance.

Senora Goodman

La vida es un carnaval! Arriba, Arriba! Vaminos! We must please The Carpenter!

Senora Goodman plays the video. Almost everyone is going through the motions not even half-
heartedly since they are texting. Jonathan is very robotic as he dances.

Senora Goodman

Stop! Stop! Stop! (Pauses the video) Quit the phones! (Looks at girl putting on make-up) Quit
make-up-ing yourself!

Tramaine

Why do we gotta do this Mrs. Goodman? Phones are swag. Dancing isn’t swag.

Senora Goodman
 What is the (long a sound) swage?

Cut to Tramaine’s confused face

Cut back to Senora Goodman

Senora Goodman

(Claps hands) Never mind that. Let’s us go back to dancing. Obey The Carpenter, please.

Tramaine

Who’s the carpenter?

Senora Goodman

…Ok. If someone would turn on the lights and close the door, I will explain.

Lights go on and door closes

Senora Goodman

In Peru, I had a house and was very happy. Then, in the paper, I saw an ad about coming to
America. I decided to try something new and come here. The agency gave me a car. After I left
the lot, I pulled over to the side of the road and cried because the cars were going very fast.
Then, I found a book in the car and in it was a story about The Carpenter. I then met The
Carpenter, and now I live a happy life because of him.

Alexis

Is he your husband?

Senora Goodman

No, but he is my best friend.

Tramaine

Talk about friend-zoned.

Bethany

Wait…Are you talking about Jesu-(As in Jesus)

Senora Goodman

Aaaah!

Bethany
 All I said was Jes-

Senora Goodman

Aaaah!

Bethany

What wrong with saying Je-

Senora Goodman

(Grabs maracas and starts shaking them) La cucaracha, la cucaracha

Ya no puede caminar.

Cut to Jonathan with a surprised face

(Background) Porque no tiene, porque la falta,

Dinero para gasta.

Una cucaracha pinta,

Cut to Tramaine leaning over to talk to Bethany

Tramaine

Are we learning a new dance? I don’t even know the one we just did.

Bethany shrugs.

(Heard clearly) Le dijo a uno colorado,

"Vamonos para mi tierra,

A pasar la temporada"

Jonathan

Oh dear.

Cut to the outside bell ringing

EXT. THE BAND HALL

Chyron reads “The band hall”

Narrator
 As Jonathan was heading to his first detention ever, Reagan and Will were bird-feeding each
other Skittles in the band hall. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

INT. REAGAN AND WILL BIRD-FEEDING EACH OTHER SKITTLES

Reagan

So she really gave him detention?

Will

Yep, just like that.

Reagan

I don’t like her either. She does have a very bad attitude

Flashback: Anna Claire waves her hand at Chance from her table.

Chyron reads “Earlier that day”

Chance waves back and turns around.

Chance

Anna Claire is so pretty, but I’m afraid she’ll say “no” if I ask her out.

Reagan is sitting in the chair next to Chance

Reagan

C’mon, Chance. Don’t be such a chicken.

Cut to Ms. Lipking with a surprised face. She gets up out of her desk and starts walking towards
Reagan’s table.

Ms. Lipking

Let me tell you why chickens are so scared!

Cut back to present time

Will

I just feel bad so bad. $1,000 is $1,000. We need to get him out of detention in time for that
essay contest…but let’s get Dakota to do it so we don’t get in trouble.

EXT. THE HIGH SCHOOL

INT. CHEMISTRY ROOM

Narrator

Although Will and Reagan were on a mission to help Jonathan escape detention, that didn’t mean
he had to still endure some of it.

Ms. Lipking

I could send the nanny home right now and spend time with my two children, one of which has a
role in his daycare’s Snow White play! I could be doing so many other things, too! I could be
protesting animal rights! Yeah… that’s what I’m gonna do! I’m going to get out my signs and
show you what it’s like to be an animal! You’ll want to take notes on this!

Cut to Jonathan taking out a notebook and writing stuff down

Narrator

Reagan and Will ran as fast as they could but, Dakota was surprisingly talking to someone with
whom shared a mutual interest.

Cut to Dakota and Kristen in the choir room. Kristen takes a mini bagel from a Bob’s Bagels bag
and eats it.

Kristen

These bagels are so good! When they first opened, I would go in there and, the workers acted
scared to death but now with the new owner, they’re friendly and the bagels are better than ever.
(Hands Dakota a mini bagel.) Here have one.

Dakota

(Dakota takes the mini bagel) Thank you! (Takes a bite of the bagel) Mm mm. Very good. So
that new movie comes out an- (as in and)

Reagan and Will appear and pick up Dakota like luggage

Dakota

(Struggling) What are you two doing!?

Reagan

Do you mind if we borrow him for a while, Kristen?

Kristen

Ummm…sure. Go right ahead.

Will and Reagan carry Dakota off.

Dakota

Bye, Kristen!

Kristen

(Waving) Bye!

Cut to Ms. Lipking’s room

Narrator

Meanwhile Jonathan was still enduring the lecture of an activist. I feel like it is important to say
that advocating for animals is a great thing, but to do so in the manner Ms. Lipking does, is a
little extreme.

Ms. Lipking

(Hitting a picture of a chicken with a stick as she talks.) They never see the light! They never-
see- the light!

Cut to Jonathan still taking notes.

Narrator

Meanwhile, the plan was almost in full swing.

Cut to Will, Reagan, and Dakota around the hallway corner.

Will

(To Dakota) (Holding a stuff animal pig) So Reagan’s going to squeeze the pig through the rail,
Ms. Lipking’s classes are going to fall off while she runs to the elevator to save the pig, and then
Jonathan is going to leave detention.

Dakota

(Confused) Where did you get that pig and how do you know he glasses are going to fall off?

Reagan

I bought the pig at the store, and my mom says the other teachers always make fun of how her
glasses fall off when she runs to the elevator. She’s not a very well-liked person.

Dakota
 So what do you need me for?

Will

We were hoping to blame you in case anyone caught us?

Dakota

(Disinterested) I’ll be in the car finishing an episode “Carmen Sandiego.”

Dakota leaves.

Reagan

Uh. Let’s do this. (Reagan squeezes a stuffed animal pig’s stomach and it makes an oinking
sound.)

Cut to Ms. Lipking still lecturing.

Ms. Lipking

(Hitting a picture of a seal with a stick) That is why… was that a pig? (Ms. Lipking walks out of
the classroom.)

Reagan throws the stuffed pig through the second story rail. Her and Will duck behind the
corner.

Ms. Lipking appears.

Ms. Lipking

Nooooo! (Runs back into classroom) Detention dismissed. (Runs to the elevator. Her glasses fall
off. She gets in.) My glasses! Oh, it’ll be ok; I have a spare at home. An animal needs me!

Jonathan then gets up.

Jonathan

I’m not sure what just happened, but I really do not care.

Jonathan walks down the stairs. He exits the school and “Don’t you Forget about Me” starts to
play in the background.

Jonathan

(Sees Reagan and Will) (Scared) Aah! Oh, hello.

Jonathan, Reagan, and Will start to walk out of school.

 Will

So how was your first detention?

Jonathan (Off screen)

Oh, it was fine

Cut to Dakota getting into a red car on the right of the parking lot.

Cut back to Jonathan, Reagan, and Will

Reagan

So do you-

Jonathan

Hold that thought. (Turns around and is yelling at Tramaine in his car.) Would you turn that
racket off, please, you cankerous sore!?

“Don’t you Forget about me” stops playing and the Jonathan, Reagan, and Will walking.

Jonathan

What were you saying?

Reagan

Do you think you’ll be able to get along with her the rest of the year?

Jonathan

(Excited) Oh, I hope so! She really is a good person. She cares about animals, so she isn’t selfish.
Also, she is very strict so she doesn’t let anything just go by. I will simply adore her class!

Will

You are a card Jonathan; you are a card.

Reagan, Will, and Jonathan arrive at Reagan’s car.

Reagan

Can I take you to that essay contest, Jonathan?

Jonathan

(Sighs) I suppose. If anything, it saves my mom some gas.

Reagan, Will, and Jonathan get in an identical red car on the left of the parking lot.

Reagan

(Puts on seatbelt) Hey, where’s Dakota?

Cut to Dakota watching “Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?” on his phone in the wrong car.

Carmen Sandiego (off screen)

Perhaps, Player, but the jury’s still out…

Dakota

(Angrily turns off phone) You two, literally almost had her! I am so done! Where are Reagan and
Will?

Cut to Reagan, Will, and Jonathan in the car

Reagan

(Looking around) I don’t want to leave him.

Will

He’ll be ok. His mom will get him.

Reagan

Yeah, you’re right. Let’s leave.

EXT. THE CAR BACKS OUT AND DRIVES AWAY

Cut to Ms. Lipking petting the pig.

Ms. Lipking

There, there let’s take you home. (Picks up pig) You’re lighter than I thought you’d be.

Ms. Lipking walks out the building and heads over to her red car on the right of the parking lot.
She arrives to it and throws her bag in the back. Dakota has a scared look on his face and sinks to
the backseat passenger side floorboard. She puts the pig in the floorboard behind her driving
seat.

Ms. Lipking

Don’t worry. You’ll be safe.

She then gets into her car on the driver’s side.

Cut to Dakota scared with his hands over his mouth.

EXT. MS. LIPKING BACKS OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY HORRIBLY AND SPEEDS INTO
THE HIGHWAY

FADE OUT

TAG

Narrator

On the next “Untitled”

EXT. MS. LIPKING PARKING IN HER DRIVEWAY

Narrator
 Dakota accidently arrives at Ms. Lipking’s house

Ms. Lipking gets out of her car and closes the door. Dakota puts on a child’s dwarf hat and a fake
beard.

Narrator

Instead of getting out of the car quietly and running, Dakota does the illogical thing…

Ms. Lipking picks up the pig and carries it.

Cut to Dakota quietly open and closing the right seat back seat door. A dog in the background
bites a lawn gnome in the front yard and runs with it. Dakota falls down and falls face first in the
mud.

Narrator

He disguises himself as a lawn gnome

Dakota squats to where the lawn gnome was. Ms. Lipking walks over and looks closely at him.

Ms. Lipking

I’m glad I bought this lawn gnome. It fits my yard nicely…but you are dirty. I’ll take you inside
and cleans you up. (Tries to pick him up) You’re heavier than I thought. Oh, well…I guess I’ll
have to drag you inside. (Begins dragging Dakota)

A scared Dakota closes his eyes

Narrator

And…

Cut to Jonathan sitting in choir class. The camera slowly zooms out to reveal Will, Reagan,
Chance, Kristen, and Camden singing around Jonathan as he sits with an unamused expression.

Narrator

Jonathan goes to choir class…and band.

Cut to Jonathan sitting in the band hall while Reagan, Will, Chance, and Kristen are playing their
instruments around Jonathan as he sits with another unamused expression.

Narrator

Please tell everyone you know about this show.

FADE OUT