1.

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-
concealing ones.
2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously
imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of
Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my
safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6.I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will
you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on
second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet
civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final
phase of my plan will be carried out.
9.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is
necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big
red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on
anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly
be labelled as such.
10.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well
outside my borders will work just as well .
11.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it
by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show
they pose no threat.
12.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my
plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition
emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of
their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.
14.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last
request.
15.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a
device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches
1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16.I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want
to know."
17.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp
power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look
at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter.
When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more
attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions
of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi
stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually
defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will
not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use.
That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or
render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun
by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even
though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line
"No, This Cannot Be!! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually
instantaneous.)
25.No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery
which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible
vulnerable spot.
26.No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably
someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think
twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27.I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have
redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry
at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into
which I could not accidentally stumble.
29.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in
the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon
their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-
weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic
subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32.I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just
to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33.I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a
stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly,
outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34.I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35.I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they
just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36.I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the
same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on
my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37.If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will
believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38.If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will
find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow
up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39.If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my
Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I
will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41.Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42.When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or
whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys
happens to follow him around.
43.I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel
and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her
companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the
pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a
sporting chance.
45.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my
organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point
it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some
random underling.
46.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly
do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.
47.If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while
he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48.I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and
kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for
revenge.
49.If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send
all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and
quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50.My main computers will have their own special operating system that will
be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51.If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the
beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented
position.
52.I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle
and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know
about.
53.If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you
hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54.I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross
it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55.The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my
Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that
require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who
would attract less attention.
56.My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot
learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57.Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the
owner's manual.
58.If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss
off a one-liner.
59.I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60.My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am
thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note:
this also applies to passwords.
61.If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I
will not proceed unless I have a response that satisfies them.
62.I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural
supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63.Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be
kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at
predictable intervals.
64.I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias
and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65.If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they
display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room.
That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be
marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66.My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches
someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then
subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67.No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to
treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68.I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only
reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only.
If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69.All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-
approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the
woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70.When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups
of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously
while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup,
instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71.If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted
lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is
no.
72.If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt
me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable
superweapon on them.
73.I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though
my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74.When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-
year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project
Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75.I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of
standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76.If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in
an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff.
(In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth
considering.)
77.If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject
a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current
trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78.I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command
will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79.If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has
been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative
coins.
80.If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead
of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my
fortress.
81.If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am
about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat
instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82.I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial
support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83.If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the
table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide
whether or not to switch with him.
84.I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85.I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align
the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment
of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86.I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87.My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not
construct walkways above them.
88.If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for
incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89.After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions
and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable.
After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90.I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away
from the door.
91.I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated
 until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be
important.
92.If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that
his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and
that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return
to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93.If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or
betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94.When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab
a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95.My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards.
That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an
emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a
look.
96.My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the
outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not
vice versa.
97.My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective
surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98.If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their
activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if
circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their
time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions
when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual
tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99.Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45MB in size.

100.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will

provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
101.I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to
overthrow me — I'll do it myself.
• I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident — I'm not
accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
• I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose
not show them any.

• My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my

organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other
dress codes.
• I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a Mad Scientist to assist
 me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and
seek to undo the damage he's caused. I will also make sure that he does not have
an extremely beautiful and extremely impressionable daughter.

• If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety
in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the
troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
• Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers
who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble
to the ground for no good structural reason.
• Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary
character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and
destroyed.
• I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of
an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my
capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to
rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes
along.
• I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner
sanctum before the trap is sprung.

• I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

• I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by
relatively inconspicuous talismans.

• I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot
high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an
emergency.

• I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

• I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.

• If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down,
only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it
clears the blast-range.
• No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him.
He's mine!"

• If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by

a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
• I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will
just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.

• Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all
 of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard
issue.

• If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I
will not attempt to use it regardless.

• The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire
inward or at each other.

• If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be
required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
• Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will
investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive
daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who
works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
• Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room
(water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him
alone five to ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a
vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's
demise.

• Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and
follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.

• Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that
will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that
accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

• I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they
can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily
removable.
• Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the
arena.
• All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If
the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give
him away.

• I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

• Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough

background investigation and security clearance.

• If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the
hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than
new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

• If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports
car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up alongside of me and try to force him off the
 road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's
directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

• My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a

capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have
access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a
battery.)
• If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated
and make every wire red.

• Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other

cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid
military expenditures that could use the extra budget.

• The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting.
Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more
effective.
• If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter
a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe
side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break
out the napalm.)
• I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the
chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they
may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the
prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided
to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no
threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

• As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be
too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all
sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
• If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old
granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to
first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero
launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to
pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like
crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time
with the grandkids.

• If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will
congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding,
and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the
relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror
when they are holding a parade in his honor.
• I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he
cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to
 aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
• My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy
atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know
Morse code.

• If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where

they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in
for salvage.

• I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely

trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
• Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't
possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact
it couldn't possibly work.

• Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases,
and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
• I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons
covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat
with swords" and "blow up the planet".
• I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted
lieutenant.

• I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-

chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
• My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is
prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number
of non-traditional gender roles.

• I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they

are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they
must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot
pursuit.
• If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their
mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

• If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges
to finish them off if more conventional means are available.

• Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion
3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.

• I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family
recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds
instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
• If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking
device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
• Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to
pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a
pebble thrown to distract them.

• I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I
will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my
enemy.

• If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.

• When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go
through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
• I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is
full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.

• As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards.

That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the
guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.

• If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not
keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

• If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is

between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international
technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress
his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.

• I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That
way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.

• If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a

small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
• I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is
distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of
a rebellion.

• I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be
ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.

• I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is
feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back
refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
• Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was
the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
• If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not
 attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly,
then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

• I will have my fortress exorcised regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide
an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.

• I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but
even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in
this fashion.

• If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will
not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her
children's college tuition.
• If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out
behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick,
do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep
my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was
heading for me it will now be heading for him.

• I will not outsource core functions.

• If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it
cannot operate in reverse.

• I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose
hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.

• I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open
to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.

• Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a
surge suppressor.

• I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity
when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my
Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
• If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I
will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him
in my dungeon.
• I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into
unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his
own devices.
• I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the
guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
• I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums
add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected
allies for heroes.
• I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to
prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetent old fool is
standing behind the curtain.
• If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it
still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever
conquered the world using a beta version.

• I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of
most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.

• If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is
being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
• If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of
imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't
try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has
been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing
on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

• I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and
hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
• I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for
negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.

• I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be
to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
• I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are
not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be
summarily executed.

• I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-
to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.

• I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would
only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less
powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.

• During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around
drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my
dietician and my aerobics instructor.

•
Under no circumstances will I ever, EVER give a weapon back to the hero engaged
with me in a duel. Sporting chances are for sissies.
201.All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with
sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
202.All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents,
manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their
credibility.
203.I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

204.I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my
status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero
becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
205.All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged
"repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
206.When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they
will be instructed to employ The Club.
207.Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they
call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught
making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
208.Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training.
It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general
population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
209.I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless,
conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to
perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
210.All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what
the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually
plotting.
211.If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the
dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
212.I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against
heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
213.I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion
statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over
during an escape.
214.If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will
check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and
not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the
hero's girlfriend.)
215.If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free
from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly
good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple
minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few
seconds.
216.If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and
regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
217.If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former
girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my
bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the
offer.
218.I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!"
Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and
transport it back to my lab for study.
219.I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down
the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
220.Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example,
ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever
someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a
mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
221.My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.

222.I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too
intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent
point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
223.I will install a fire extinguisher in every room — three, if the room contains vital
equipment or volatile chemicals.
224.I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all
nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this
by using devices known as "surge protectors".
225.I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their
heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon
and slowly back down the hallway.
226.I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a
certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe
out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
227.I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.

228.If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will

remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
229.If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in
motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
230.I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
231.Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and
whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.
232.If I do outfit my minions with gas masks or scuba equipment I will ensure that
the equipment is functional and I will train them to use gas weapons.
233.I will instruct my minions to attack the hero at once if they outnumber him. They
are NOT to attack him one at a time.
234.I will fight as dirty as possible when facing the hero.

235.I will also instruct my minions to also fight as dirty as possible and to fight with
whatever they can find.
236.I will have all hallways in my fortress randomly shift in decoration and color to
negate the possibility of anyone blending in to the surroundings.
237.I will always listen if a child of the members of my inner circle tells me they have
something important to say.

1.When pursuing the hero who is fleeing on foot, my helicopter pilots will not make
long strafing runs. This will only allow the hero to take advantage of natural cover
and improvise weaponry or utilize concealed armaments. Instead, my pilots will
hover close to the hero and fire at will with their automatic weapons.
2.I will never play with any seeming innocuous devices, especially fountain pens, that
I confiscate from the hero or his associates.
3.Should the hero escape, I will not send my Legions of Terror on a suicide mission
to chase him into an impenetrable asteroid field, burning swamp, or forest of
carnivorous trees. My Legions of Terror will instead flank the area if possible, and
practice basic marksmanship while waiting for the hero to reemerge. Well-trained
troops are difficult to come by, and if they let my enemy escape, then they need more
training.
4.Any evil uncles or disgruntled envious half-brothers of mine will not be tolerated.
They may be incompetent and not openly sulk or plot against me for years, but they
will inevitably try to seize an opportunity in my moment of weakness. They will be
summarily executed and catapulted into a faraway province to prevent them from
becoming pesky ghosts that would advise the hero.
5.All staircases will have handrails and anti-slip surfaces.

6.I will create an elaborate decoy lair replete with guards, traps, and a scale replica of
my current project. Meanwhile, my actual project will be housed in a nondescript
suburban office building.
7.All firearms stored in easy-to-reach closets will be decoys that explode upon use.
Furthermore, incompetent henchmen will be issued the same weapons and be
instructed never to fire them. When the hero inevitably steals their weapon and tries
using it, he will blow himself up.
8.When I finally get around to building my fantasy dinosaur island, I will make sure
that the electric fence/defense capabilities of the island are not solely in the hands of
 one computer built in the mid-nineties. Furthermore, an entire team of qualified
engineers will be entrusted with keeping that system operational, rather than
entrusting the whole project to a single overweight man prone to temptation.
9.My minions will be well-fed, well-paid, and well-rested. A generous benefits
package will garner loyalty, boost morale, and ensure that none of them become
disgruntled minions.
10.Any of my trap rooms that are a typical slow death type, such as closing walls
with spikes, rising water, etc., will only appear to be slow for the first 10 seconds.
Thereafter the process will speed up 100 fold.
11.Any would-be messiahs who set foot in my realm who develop a popular
following will be apprehended and provided a secluded life of comfort and leisure.
12.When finally encountering the hero for our Climactic Battle, I will greet him as if
he were an old dorm mate. This will surely confuse him.
13.My robot army will not be big, slow-moving, and fashioned with inferior AI.
Instead they will be built for speed, agility, and remotely controlled by my army of
15-year-old Korean Counter-Strike players.
14.The halls of my Impenetrable Fortress/Craft will always be straight, and my
guards will not be dispatched on winding patrols through the corridors. Rather they
will be stationed, four at a time, back-to-back, at every intersection.
15.Any jewelry of power will be fitted with a homing mechanism. Such objects are
difficult to come by, and the last thing I need is for it to be lost for centuries in a
secluded pond or worse—in the cracks of my couch.
16.I will not do a shoddy job erasing the hero's memory and attempt to trick him into
thinking he is my partner.
17.Upon capturing the hero, I will immediately declare a "Take your daughter to
work day" to have a significant number of human shields on hand.
18.I will not discontinue searches immediately after the hero has been captured. The
searches will continue until I am satisfied that he did in fact travel alone.
19.I will not offer a bounty for the hero's capture. Henchmen have a pesky tendency
to fight each other over these rewards.
20.I will use a Restraining Bolt on all my subordinates.

21.I will not have hobbies. They will only be used against me by my disloyal
subordinates.

1. I will make sure that I get lots of exercise. That does count dancing or doing star
jumps to popular music. To save face, any music that has people cringing, or a song
that more than five people don't like, will not be used. But, they will not be allowed
to tell ME what I can do!
• I will always care for the peasants in my kingdom. That means I will ensure that they
are all well-fed and they aren't whipped or beaten by anyone in my employment. A
happy worker is an industrious worker, not to mention one that's not plotting my
downfall.
• I will make it a habit to allow peasants more opportunity in my administration in
politics and military, since history has taught us that nobles are always corrupt dicks
who will try to usurp you and clergymen are always going to extort money and
privileges out of you so the best bet is to have a generation of commissioned
officers and politicians who actually earned their positions rather than have a
generation of pampered and spoiled morons who don't have the slightest idea of
what they're doing
• I will do my best to discover what the hero's favorite books or movies are, then pay
close attention the actions of said works. That way, I would be able to catch a Genre
Savvy hero off guard.
• I will not rely on Gambit Roulette to fulfill my Evil Plan for world conquest. I will
enact several plans at once, most of which will be Gambit Blackjack at best. If
however, my urge to play roulette is uncontrollable, I will set up an elaborate, hero-
attention-grabbing string of events. I expect this plan to fail and its failure will lead to
a secondary goal. Thus while the hero is distracted trying to avoid my roulette one of
my other plans will have already paid off.

• Destroying the world (or the universe) as my ultimate goal? VERY bad idea. I will
always remember that I am part of the world/universe, and even if I could survive its
end, it's not very fun if I'm the only thing left.
• It also gets everyone, EVERYONE against me, including all my own minions save
for the most insane. And sometimes the world itself.

• In keeping with my status as an Equal-Opportunity Overlord, I will hire a number of

deaf or hearing-impaired minions to guard a particular area (what that area actually is
irrelevant). That area will be fitted with a sonic-based attack system. While the
heroes are lying on the floor with hands over their ears in pain, but before they think
to shoot out the delivery system, the deaf minions will fill them full of lead. Simple.

• Said sonic attack will comprise speakers pumping out 180db worth of a medley
between It's A Small World, Never Gonna Give You Up, The Song That Never
Ends, and the complete works of the Spice Girls, Justin Bieber and Korean Pop in
general.

• And, of course, "Friday" by Rebecca Black.

• Addendum: If the hero somehow ENJOYS this, then the deaf guards will
congratulate the hero on his sick tastes with a flurry of lead
• I will not underestimate the power of the Ermine Cape Effect, regardless of what I
actually wear. As long as it's not in lieu of good leadership (the monarchies of France,
Russia, and China), it's a great way to enhance my stature among my subjects.
 • Any such outfit that impedes movement will break away if necessary. If it's puffy,
this is a great way to hide extra weapons as well.

• I shall never drop a loaded gun on the floor for my enemy to pick up while I run up
stairs. I shall take the loaded gun and shoot tied up enemy before running up stairs.

• If in charge of a galactic empire, I shall take into account the defense budget before
designing super weapons. Good financial management lessens the risk of
insurrection.

• In keeping with sensitivity training, I shall hire gays and lesbians into my Legions of
Terror. However, if they are put on guard duty, I will instruct them to only guard
members of the opposite sex. Bisexuals employed as part of my Legions of Terror
will be put to more beneficial purposes, such as weapon maintenance.

• Now that all of the above has been established, I will stop talking to myself. It gives
people the wrong idea.
• That means you, Azula!

• Why should we listen to you?

• Before I become an evil overlord, I will first undergo psychological treatment to

remove my conscience and useless emotions like love, empathy or guilt. That way I
can commit ultimate evil acts to my heart's content.
• No I Won't, because the people who do that are always guaranteed to die.

• Besides which, I'll need at least some of those qualities unless I want to have a 0%
Approval Rating.

• No emotion is useless. Each of them is a highly conditioned evolutionary response

that helped ensure my species' survival for countless years. That said, I will be
aware of my emotions and take care to keep them in perspective.
• I will not give my Doomsday Device a very obviously evil name, no matter how cool
it sounds. It's much easier to pretend that Project X25 is just an orbital research
station (as opposed to a Kill Sat) than it is to convince people that something called
"The Worldslayer" is intended for peaceful purposes.
• I will remember the psychological benefit that can be had from giving completely
harmless things intimidating names, however. Thus, anything called "Worldslayer"
will actually be a radio broadcast satellite (preferably Heavy Metal), and I will
make sure that there is no way it can be used for other purposes. If nothing else, it'll
make the heroes look like dicks when I reveal that they're the ones responsible for
taking down the rock station.
• Or I might hire some minions who can play rock and call the group
"Worldslayer". Entertaining the populace is important after all.

• If I am to employ tacticians for use in strategic battles, I will hire at least three of
them, ensure that all three of them have no connections to each other, and have them
 constantly fight in mock battles with what I believe will be equivalent forces to what
I expect will be fielded during the last stand. If the side with the plucky heroes,
smaller army, etc., win, the one controlling my troops shall be executed.

• First, I'll rotate the tacticians so that I can see if there really is just some critical flaw
in my army. If this is the case, I will instead execute the person responsible for this
flaw.

• Unless it's me.

• In the case of tactics, with every flaw I will make sure the ways to exploit these
flaws will become instrumental to a new plan branching off the old one and I will
do this until it reaches a dead end and the heroes can't win. I don't really expect
things to go right for me until they must and there isn't a third (or forth, fifth, etc.)
option.
• I shall wear white clothes that stain easily so as to invoke the Law of Chromatic
Superiority upon bloodshed.

• If they stain easily, they won't be white for very long.

• If my enemy is a Mary Sue... I'm leaving that story. Dealing with that kind of
character will be far more trouble than it's worth.
• I will keep in mind that heroes can read this list too and remain appropriately flexible
in my planning.

• When someone is about to kill them, the majority of people will either beg for their
lives, or break down completely. The minority will face their death with courage. Be
careful of the minority.
• If someone displays any other reaction to their imminent demise, they believe that
you will be unable to kill them. Determine their reasoning and react appropriately.
Their reason will normally fall into one of the following categories:

• They believe that your method of execution will not kill them. Procure an alternate
method immediately. If you are using some sort of complicated machine, check for
sabotage.
• Tis why beheading people is actually an effective execution. This will not be taken
for granted, however.

• They believe that a rescue attempt is imminent. This can be anything from a
sidekick hiding in a ventilation shaft to an army about to descend upon your
stronghold. Contact your security staff, go to full alert, and check all sensors,
particularly internal ones. Also, kill them ASAP.

• They believe that they can avert their death through their own actions. Most likely,
they have a secret ability. Consider how a fight between you (plus any minions you
have in the room) would go down. If you could easily defeat them, prepare for
combat. If it would be a close fight, summon all reinforcements. If they handed
 themselves over voluntarily (perhaps as a prisoner exchange), run away.
• Also they may not be afraid of death because they can't die. These people must
be dealt with in different ways.
• Their death is part of their cause's plan, and in killing them, I will doom my own
plan to failure.
• Their death will make them and/or their cause an even greater threat to my plan.

• Also if they seem calm and have accepted there fate they probably have a reason to
be, and I will do my utmost to find it out, postponing the execution to interrogate
them if necessary.

• All executions will be immediately followed by exorcisms.

• Even though We Have Reserves I will be Nice to the Waiter and try to minimize
casualties.
• I will carefully review the pages on Boss in Mook Clothing, Demonic Spiders,
and Goddamned Bats, and arrange for my Legions of Doom to consist entirely of
these types, in order of decreasing preference. Actual bosses of my Legions will
be That One Boss, without exception. Similarly, all bases under my control will be
rigged to turn into the Scrappy Level at a moment's notice (or, more pointedly, the
notice of an intruder alert going off).
• In short, if the hero wants to topple me, he will face a Nintendo Hard challenge.
Should he best me even then, there is no shame in fleeing, noting the hero's
abilities, and rebuilding my Legions of Doom with the hero's strengths and
weaknesses in mind-minimize the former, pick on the latter.
• Forget Nintendo Hard; I will have Platform Hell difficulty and then add on the
bonus of all my minions being God Mode Sues.
• Forget Platform Hell. It will be Unwinnable. All the hallways will be lined with
remotely-operated explosives, and all the bosses will be nukes. This will be in
addition to overpowered minions.
• In addition to this, I will exterminate all Money Spiders, Pinata Enemies and Metal
Slimes. That should give me a nice boost in funds and allow me to take a level or
two in badass, while at the same time denying these benefits to my enemy.
• Screw the Hague convention. If the hero is unnaturally resistant
to projectile weapons, my Legions of Doom will use poison-tipped ammunition. And
they will always Shoot the Medic First.

• On second thought, they will always use poison-tipped ammunition, regardless of

the hero.

• But if there's more then one medic we're doomed.

• I'll just split my forces. Half will shoot at the first medic, half at the other. This
 works even if there are three/four/five medics.
• If there are multiple medics, or most of the heroes have some sort of healing
abilities, then I'll just have my forces shoot all of them. Or I'll invite them to dinner
and have slow-acting poison added to their food. As a precaution, I will make sure
that I have plenty of the antidote on hand to prevent plate-switching or confusion
over which drink I'm supposed to take.

• Just pull a Dread Pirate Roberts and become immune to the poison beforehand.
Make sure none of your minions are invited to dinner. Then, poison everything
with said slow-action poison.

• Or just use a stunt double.

• If I decide to place the hero into a simulated reality, it will be designed by Uwe
Boll, Aaron Seltzer, and Jason Friedberg. The hero should go insane within minutes.

• I will make sure that the artifact that grants me immortality also grants me eternal
youth, unless the army of replacement bodies or robots are already completed. No
one wants the body of a 10,000 year old. Even so, it may not be worth the trouble of
having clones around anyways.

• NO CLONES!

• If exactly one thing in the world/universe/whatever can harm me, I will assume that
the hero will somehow gain the ability to use that one thing against me, and plan
accordingly. The same goes for any minions I may have with this characteristic.
• I will most definitely be a Karma Houdini or an Anti-Villain.

• My ultimate weapon will be sock'em boppers.

• If I am in control of a modern nation like the United States, I will make sure that I
firmly establish that I love NASA (or the equivalent there of) and inform people that
my grand master plan is the various uses of space and other celestial bodies for world
wide expansion. Plus, with increased space traffic, no one will notice the deployment
of a Kill Sat or 20.
• Should I ever, through my diabolical scheming and and/or pet Mad Scientist, come
up with fantastically profitable technology, screw it. I'll drop my vendettas and sell
the technology for a profit. That should guarantee I'll live a life of comfort and ease.
I'll even make regular donations to charity, and rein in my underlings to keep them
from doing anything evil. No hero will go after me if I'm just another law-abiding
citizen.

• When equipping my army, I shall make sure of these things:

• All infantry weapons shall be usable by my all my soldiers with minimum of

training and common sense. They shall also be simple and rugged enough to able to
operate and be maintained in an array of environments.

• All of my mechanized troops shall have standardized vehicles. Said vehicles shall
 be able to switch out a wide variety of weapons packages made for a variety of
situations. This makes field repairs and manufacturing easier.
• All prototypes shall have plans. Furthermore, these prototypes will at most be as
strong as my standard production models and shall be unnamed saved for a random
number designation.

• All of my R&D facilities shall be heavily guarded, with regular background checks
and monitoring done for all personnel. I shall also have my prototype dismantled
and put into storage so that a hero doesn't end up stealing it.

• In other words: I'll use a lot of, and improve upon, Russian weapons. They have
this constant tendency to, well, not break. There's a reason countries still use the
AK-47 and variants thereof.
• If the heroes retreat and leave behind their ridiculously adorable pet or team
companion I will not take it in as my own cherished pet. I will check said ridiculously
adorable animal for any sort of homing device that the heroes may use to locate my
evil lair when I take it in as a cherished pet. If I find such, I will either instantly
destroy it, or throw it into a pond/lake/ocean/rain forest with poisonous and man-
eating animals, and then drop off the creature at a local animal shelter.
• Alternatively, I will take the animal, homing device and all, and donate it to a local
orphanage. Not only will it look good to the people, but imagine the bad publicity
for the heroes when they storm into the orphanage demanding the return of their
beloved pet, only to see a bunch of wide-eyed little orphan children happily playing
with it.

• If for some reason I fall from power and am executed by the hero, should a
subordinate resurrect me so that I may reclaim my title of overlord then I will NOT
kill the subordinate as a show of how evil I am. Instead, he/she will receive paid
time-off and a nice gift basket as thanks.

• If I still have authority upon my revival, a promotion may be in order. If I have to

start over, I believe I've found my new right-hand man.
• I will not even THINK about trying to take over/cancel/ruin/kill/etc. Christmas.
Instead, I will choose one of those Make-A-Wish foundation kids that wants to be an
overlord for a day, and grant it...With some limits of course. Not only will this be
good PR, I may even make it on Santa's nice list. Plus, with all those people saving
the damn holiday, it's not worth the headache.

• If on the other hand, I can trick the heroes into taking

over/cancelling/ruining/killing/etc. Christmas...

• I will never assume that just because a certain person is my enemy's child/trusted
lieutenant/best friend, it means they will know my enemy's secrets. It doesn't work.

• Twins who are separated at birth always end up enemies. If one of my lieutenants
turns out to have a twin, that twin will be the hero. I will either arrange an "accident"
for my lieutenant, get him to switch to a rival overlord, or "allow" him to stage a
 coup, so that when the hero takes him out, and can pretend he was the real evil all
along.

• If I find out twins were separated at birth, I will do my best to get them raised
together. I will not try to kill them or their family. That rarely ever works. The twins
would just survive and end up working together against me when they grow up.

• I will never assume that I have the power of a god, that I AM a god, or that I am in
any way a deity. That NEVER works.

• No, divine right does not count...

• I will buy the rights to every song that could be used for a Training Montage.

• And for good measure, I will bring back Grunge, Jazz and Blues in force, and make
them adopted as the only forms of music. Try training to that!
• On second thought, just Jazz and Blues. The pulsing, pounding sounds of Grunge
could just serve to punctuate how hard the Hero is working and actually be more
effective than a normal Training Montage.
• Jazz and Blues might even be too dangerous. Maybe I should ban everything but...
Peter, Paul and Mary? Wow, I really am evil.
• I will make Death/Doom, Funeral Doom and Drone Doom the official music of the
empire.

• If there is a prophesy involving a hero finding and killing me, I will do a lot of
research on said prophesy and make absolutely sure that the evil overlord is not going
to be me. For example "And the young orphaned boy will strike down the dark lord".
I will make sure not to kill any parents, or at least, not to leave any children. And I
will also wear bright white armor/clothing all the time.

• Then again, as extermination never works, I could recruit all the orphaned children
into a warm and comfy institution that raises them in such a way that, come
graduation from middle school, they never suspect that their first meal of "high
school" is entirely filled with nanomachines that, when activated, consume every
yummy bit of flesh and bone within minutes.

• If the trade-off is no nanotech for magic, a similar lurking parasite will do.

• Or just raise the orphans in as healthy and happy an environment as possible, doing
my best to ensure any foster homes they are given to are wonderful to live in.
• Then if there are heroes from elsewhere, I will give those orphanages the
aforementioned captured Team Pets.
• If I ever build a Laser Hallway of death, I will make very certain that the lasers are
too closely spaced to be bypassed by doing flips.

• The lasers themselves will be infrared or ultraviolet, so that the hero doesn't even
know he's being shot at until he gets hit.
 • I will also make sure that they are too closely spaced to be bypassed easily
anyways, and that they are not on a timer. Also, the control device will be in another
room and will require a key to use. This does leave it vulnerable to power outages,
but since my stronghold should have its own power generator, if the power is out, I
will assume that I have bigger problems than my laser hallway being out of order.

• Said hallway will use lasers of realistic speed, rather than slow, easily avoided ones.

• Screw the hallway. I'm building a solid wall of pure laser and putting it at the end.

• If I create a laser wall, I will ensure that it is properly maintained by a board

certified technician, and will not shut down simply because the last mook in the
room has died.

• I will also carry a remote control on my person that can turn off the lasers in case I
ever have to go through that hallway. It will only work after carrying out a retina
scan of the user and confirming that the user has the proper security clearance. It
will also check the user for vitality signs and reject anyone who is dead,
unconscious, drugged, or in any other way incapacitated. However, just in case the
device malfunctions and rejects me when I'm in perfect condition, there will be no
built-in trap designed to kill unauthorized users.
• I will employ multiple kindly, eccentric, and/or grizzled old men to play the role of
mentor to any prospective hero. They will keep me appraised of the hero's
weaknesses and movements and be sure to direct the hero's attention only to my
enemies. If the hero ever decides to come after me anyway, I will know exactly
where to find him and how to kill him. Any real mentors will be taken to an old age
home and labeled as completely senile, not killed so they can fuel therighteous
vengeance of the hero.

• All healing objects placed on my Mooks will be placed internally, and cause
Regeneration while it's activated. That way, the Heroes will not be able to take it off
their (deceased) person after their defeat.
• On second thought, make them explode. Everything Is Better With Explosions.

• Hell, at low health, make the Mooks run frantically to the Hero and explode on
them. To encourage this behavior, I shall promise resurrection in a stronger body
once they sacrifice themselves. If that isn't possible, promise to make sure their
loved ones never have to worry about money. I will keep either of these promises,
as it encourages loyalty.

• Having thought about it more rationally, I will not have my minions explode.
Suicide bombers only guarantee bad PR, and automatic explosion upon death not
only guarantees that I will likely received severe injury or death as a result, but
would play hell on morale when my men start exploding all over their squad mates.

• Not to mention the fact that killing one member of my legion of doom could set off
a chain explosion.

• I will keep the Evil Overlord List away from Mooks and the Heroes, so as to keep
 them from knowing my plans.

• However, I will still assume that the Heroes managed to get a copy anyway, and
plan accordingly.

• Anyone even remotely competent, intelligent, skillful, good at fighting, or otherwise

useful in any way whatsoever should already either be working for me or be dead.
• Unless they're a sufficiently badass Heroic Neutral. If possible, I'll just leave them
alone.

• The top tiers of my organization will be made up of people I would trust with my life.
I really can't be bothered worrying about who's planning to backstab me next. If I
can't find people I'd trust with my life it's not going to be a very successful
organization anyway.
• I will never double cross anyone I've teamed up with until after we accomplished the
goal which forced us to team up in the first place.

• In fact, all alliances will be made with the understanding they're over one second
after the goal is achieved.

• Make this second a little longer: Aaand…till all the parties who helped with the
achieved goal are safely home, or at their base. Makes sense for Evil Overlords to
watch their backs!

• with a reasonable time limit. The provision is designed to prevent the members of
the alliance truning on each other immediately afterwards, not allow some smartass
to keep the alliance going by not returning to their base or home.

• If I manage to convert one of the heroes I will not immediately send him to fight
against his old friends. Instead I'll give him a free month's stay at a tropical resort as a
signing bonus and then deploy him as far away from his previous team as possible.
• Sending the hero's evil opposite after him is actually a pretty good plan. But since
perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything, I'll send my other elite troops
as backup.
• Anyone who uses the phrase 'false sense of security' will be gently slid out of the
chain of command and shuffled into an inconsequential administrative job if I'm
feeling charitable and shot if I'm not.

• Some of my elite troops will spend part of their time locked up in my dungeons,
turned into stone, shoved in an alternate dimension, or otherwise replicating whatever
storage method I use for the people I do not for some reason choose to kill
immediately. They will be recompensed for this service. That way, if the hero ever
shows up and starts randomly freeing my prisoners, there will be someone on the spot
to either take him out or at least thin the escapee crowd a bit.

• While doing this, they will be expected to take note of any weaknesses in the
storage system that may be potential escape routes, to be seen to immediately.
 • If fact they'll be given large bonuses if they manage to escape the dungeon (on
their own or with hero assistance) and report in detail on the methods used. The
dungeons will be immediately upgraded if this ever happens.

• If I ever feel like releasing the heroes into a jungle and then riding after them atop an
elephant, I will instead kill them and go visit my psychiatrist again.
• No matter how much ancient mystical power they hold, collectible card games will
not be the key to my evil plan. However, I will not be above marketing them to
children and organizing a series of tournaments with a cool and mysterious looking
but actually useless object as a prize.

• I will, however, keep any cool and mysterious-looking but actually useful objects
for examination and, in the event of excessively negative side effects, store them in
an inconspicuous safe hurtling an inconspicuous several thousand miles per hour
towards the sun.
• I will use proportionate response and avoid collateral damage where possible. But if
the citizens of an area continue getting uppity, it might just be time to remind them
how my Legions of Doom got their name.
• If I have the ability to bring people back from the dead, I will milk it for all it's worth.
However, I will not raise a beloved relative/mentor of the hero to fight him under my
psychic control. That never ends well for me, and now It's Personal.

• If I am able to bring the dead back to life without any negative results or
repercussions, I will bring the hero's deceased loved ones back to life and sincerely
apologize for probably being responsible for their deaths. No harm, no foul, no
strings attached. If nothing else, the hero will mostly likely spare my life out of
gratitude. And maybe I just recruited a new, highly skilled lieutenant in the process!

• The different branches of my organizations will have reliable access to relevant

information about that organization's activities. The people charged with killing
cryptic old men and the people charged with planting fake cryptic old men need to
know about each other.
• Not that the former need to always ignore the results of the latter, or else the hero
will figure out that the cryptic old men that get left alone are probably fakes, and
will take seriously the ramblings of the old men that do get killed.

• If I do decide to have children after all, I will also gather babies of the same age into
my castle. All the children will be given an education and combat training, as well as
indoctrinated. Not only will they form the elite core of my empire, this will also give
my children the chance to find a love interest long before any hero has the motor
skills to get anywhere near them.
• At the same time, I will remember the Westermarck Effect and will keep up-to-date
in modern genetics and psychology. I want to deter my children from rebelling
against me after all, not make them feel like their only chance for a normal life is to
go over to the hero's side; making them feel like I'm pushing incest on them won't
help that goal.
 • In short, for important milestones in my children's life, I will invite as many
families as is reasonably possible for parties. Any friends my children make will be
noted and invited more frequently and if, possible, trained along side them. I will
then either locate or secretly commission stories that cast the Childhood Friend
Romance as a tragedy and reinforce the concept of the First Girl Wins. If the Hero
is my child's childhood friend, then I'm screwed, aren't I?

• Not necessarily. Whatever else he or she may know about me, the Hero can't help
but remember me as the guy who gives awesome birthday parties with ice cream,
cake, and pony rides. There is a good chance I can at least get away with my life.
• If I decide to use biological weapons (i.e. parasites or viruses) as a means of
controlling the populace, I will not use the same as my primary method of attack
against the hero. Unfortunately, heroes have a tendency to luck into those "one-in-a-
million" immunities to such things. In addition, I will never employ any virus as a
weapon until a working antidote or vaccine has been mass-produced for my own
forces and population.
• If, for some reason, I do not wish to kill anyone, I will immediately begin research
into creating a device to hold victims in a state of permanent stasis. Alternatively, if
such a thing exists within my setting, I will attempt to access and use thePhantom
Zone. Both plans come with serious risks, but if the setting I'm in tends to hand
out Karmic Death with reckless abandon to anyone who kills so much as a nameless
peasant, perhaps they make the safer route.
• I will not have my mad scientists conduct cruel experiments on
children, especially young girls. This goes double for psychic or otherwise
supernaturally-gifted children, and triple for supernaturally-gifted girls. Instead, these
children will be given supportive, kindly, and extremely gracious treatment while
quietly indoctrinating them to serve me. The last thing I want is a long-suffering
sympathetic character to result from this, unless they are firmly on my side.
• Under no circumstances whatsoever will I create or otherwise allow to exist
a suffering, sympathetic character of extreme power. That does not end well.
• And under no circumstances will I hold any of them hostage, with a gun to their
heads. There's a better than even chance the hero won't let me finish my threats,
especially if it's someone the hero cares about.
• I will not try to summon a 1000 year old demon and try to command it, THIS
NEVER WORKS.
• If I do decide to summon a demon, regardless of age or type, I will be sure that I
know the all possible methods to banish it, lest it turns out to be more difficult to
command than expected.
• To be particularly safe, I will summon the fiend in the midst of enemy territory and
then run. The brunt of any rampage will be taken by the surrounding enemy
populace, and there is little chance the heroes would attempt to ally with such a
beast.
 • Alternately, I will no try to summon a demon, fiend, or other unholy creature, and
endeavor to conquer the world on my own power. If I must summon a demon, I will
summon this demon inside of my enemy's body, so that the demon's appearance
kills him/her by displacement.
• This will be done whilst the hero is restrained from every possible movement,
including word of mouth, in a location where the hero's allies (if there are any) are
equally restrained, preferably nearby absolutely nothing so that the demon can be
left alone after consuming or otherwise ending the party of heroes. If possible, this
will be recorded and broadcast to the world as an execution of genocidal traitors.
Otherwise, it will remain quiet and undiscussed.
• When plastering my kingdom with Dead Or Alive wanted posters for the heroes, I
will not list their crimes as "Rebellion Against The Throne" or "Thieving from the
Royal Coffers" which will gain them unnecessary sympathy among the masses.
Instead, the warrant will be put out for Child Molestation, Serial Rape/Murder of
Prostitutes, and Littering. Depriving the hero of the alliance Hooker with a Heart of
Gold, the Tagalong Kid, the Friend to All Living Things, and theEven Evil Has
Standards members of the resistance will only act in my favor.
• I will also make sure that there is no way for the heroes to prove their innocence. It
only makes me look worse than I already am, if they can prove that the charges are
made up.

• As if I don't have a reserve of dead prostitutes for just such an occasion.

• I will use "Attempt to overthrow ruler", but only in the areas with a high
concentration of fangirls.

• I will kill the fangirls. All of them.

• Alternatively, I will endear myself to them, thereby ensuring that no matter what I
do, there will always be a very, very vocal sect that loves and adores me. Not to
mention they can be quite scary when turned against someone.

• ... but if that doesn't work, then yes. I will kill the fangirls.
• You're doing it wrong. You recruit the fangirls. A large dedicated army of women?
The perfect army/harem! However, to prevent female heroes sneaking in, I will
require on the application a multi-chapter fan-fiction saga that conforms to all
correct minutia of my personal canon, save which people I am likely to make out
with (...I want some people to pass this test, after all). Also, this saga must have an
acceptable ending, as Evil Overlords hate Dead Ficas much as anyone else.
• In addition to my policy of avoiding single combat whenever possible, I will
particularly treat challenges to one-to-one combat from the elderly, the meek, the
ridiculously lightly built, and the mentally handicapped with all due caution. I.E. I
will order my Legion of Terror to gun the challenger down from a safe distance.
• One-to-one combat with any individual or small harmless creature called "Fluffy" is
not ever worth considering; Go straight to fuel-air bomb, Do not pass go, do not
 collect two hundred pounds.
• Ez naiz nahi izan nire gaitz azpijokoa lhnp. Beraz, banu duzu hizketa nire burua nion,
ez dudala hizkuntza hil oso aditzaren lhnp eta aditzaren ezezko biribil ri dagokion
atzerriko hizkuntza antzeko Euskara. Erabiltzen da gramatikaren aldetik ikuspegia
nahasi Euskara.
• Okay, no, I'll just announce my evil plans in the most non-villainous voice around,
making me appear as more of a Cloudcuckoolander than an actual Evil Overlord.
• Creepy Monotone: yes/no?

• No. I'll sound like Slade. Actually, that's not a bad idea... It will certainly get the
fangirls on my side.
• If I ever have to ally myself with a supernatural being, I will always keep in mind
that a more powerful and harder-to-destroy being who's opposed to my new patron
might exist. If I find out, I'll quickly change sides. No one wants to be on the losing
side of Judgment Day. However, any deity's claims to omnipotence and omniscience
will be met with careful skepticism.
• In the same vein, I will make certain that any deity I worship or claim allegiance to
(chaotic, evil, or otherwise) is at the very least benevolent and forgiving towards its
servants, lest my plans be foiled anyway.
• When the hero challenges me to a children's card game or a Cooking Duel, I will
accept. When he disarms and prepares, I will shoot him in the face.
• And when I'm captured, I'll challenge the hero to the Serious Business Cooking
Duel, and then shoot him in the face.
• No, I WON'T shoot him in the face, especially if he has friends nearby.
Crossing Moral Event Horizons tends to result in Laser-Guided Karma. If I choose
to do it anyway, I will make sure he's a Anti-Hero, and not a Friend to All Living
Things or All-Loving Hero. Plus, if I keep my word to the hero, I can trick him
into an agreement a later point, and gently remind him that I've kept * my* end of
the bargain to him.
• I will study Joe Chaos, Lelouch vi Britannia, Kane, and Grand Admiral Thrawn. I
will then combine their strategies. In addition, if my PR is so good that the entire
world loves me, I will use this combined strategy to my advantage: I will get myself
publically and brutally killed by an assassin who disguises themselves as the hero
then gets away cleanly whilst I am using a cursed item that will ensure my
resurrection in a few weeks' time. This will unite the entire planet against the hero,
and I will shortly return to lead them against the man who killed their idol. Why a
cursed item? They tend to work every single time, and they usually grant
immortality, which some people, curiously, think is a bad thing.
• I will make sure, however, that said immortality doesn't just grant eternal life and
youth, but * also* immunity to all disease. Cancer is no picnic. If it doesn't, than I
will only use it if the ability to repair DNA damage an unlimited number of times
 exists, and I will learn how to make and use said technology myself, just in case.
• If I ever attempt to flush out the hero by capturing someone he cares about deeply,
but someone else already tried that and it either didn't work or they got their ass
kicked, and I decide to kill the hostage instead, I will rethink that decision a lot. If the
hero is that deadly, then I have not only committed a Moral Event
Horizon (especially so if the murder was brutal), but the hero will be after me now.
• I will not invade Russia in the winter.

• I will never get involved in an land war in Asia. I will also never go in against a
Sicilian when DEATH is on the line! Unless I've already won.
• In which case defeat is inconceivable!

• "You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

• Scratch that about the winter: I will not invade Russia if the estimated time to
complete the campaign is in the middle of winter. At least, I'll try to start invade
after winter ends (Yes, I know that this line does not fit the whole The Princess
Bride thing, but consider the disaster that Napoleon and Hitler faced, it makes more
sense).

• Any warplans against Russia that predict victory in short decisive campaigning will
be discarded. All planning will be done with hard war of attrition in mind. Duration
is expected to be at least several years, while suffering horrible weather, guerrilla
resistance, and overextended supply lines. During invasion I will treat locals better
than current government (that should be easiest part), while trying to get various
oppressed minorities, dissidents, revolutionaries and secessionists to support me, or
at least weaken current government. All my evil plans which require unpopular acts
like terror, executions, and ethnic cleansing, will be postponed until organized
resistance has been defeated, population has been disarmed and guerrilla resistance
wiped out.

• Or I could just Nuke them from orbit.

• I like that idea. When in doubt, just use nukes or Kill Sats.

• Or I just plain won't invade Russia in the first place. First of all, the place is so big
that my supply lines will be overstretched and extremely vulnerable. Second, no one
who collaborates with my forces can be trusted . Third, the government has a
whole goddamn CONTINENT to retreat across; they're not going to surrender just
because I've captured Moscow. Fourth, fully capturing the place will take so long
that my forces are going to face General Winter no matter when I start the invasion.
Rather than pick a fight with Russia, I will ally with them; they make really good
tanks , the place is a great fallback position in the unlikely event that my own
lands are overrun, and their national animal symbol is a friggin' BEAR. Besides, the
only group that really "conquered" Russia didn't really rule over the place after
doing so; they just demanded regular tribute and otherwise left the people alone.
And even then, they were ultimately driven out.
• I will not fight the hero as God intended. Sportsmanlike.

• In other words, we will not put down our weapons and try to kill each other like
civilized people.

• Diatribes are a big no-no, nobody needs to know your plans except the people that
were at the presentation and planning, and they already know the plan, so it's just a
waste at that point.
• If I decide to Hypnotize the Princess, I will just do it on someone I am attracted to,
and it will just be for a few quickies or to facilitate cooperation in Rule 8 in my
original guide. Anything else attempted with this damsel is likely to end badly for
me.
• Rather than a long and convoluted multi-stage plan, I will simply make use of a
series of plans each consisting of one stage.

• If a group of minions report seeing a creature previously believed to be mythical, I

will not dismiss their claims simply because the creature is from a "children's story."
Instead, I will send a team equipped with cameras and scientific equipment to
investigate before I can make a sufficient conclusion.
• In order to prevent Gaia's Vengeance (or at least a group of environmentalist
heroes attacking me), I will make sure my diabolical schemes are as eco-friendly as
possible.
• In fact, I will be a strong supporter of animal rights and environmental protection in
general. If I have weapons of mass destruction, they will be the "creates wilderness"
variety instead of the "makes a smoking crater" variety (a Well-Intentioned
Extremist gets slightly better PR anyway). If my plans are environmentally
destructive, this will be offset by green initiatives and large cash donations to
animal rights groups. This way, I can recruit the Friend to All Living Things as my
dragon, and deprive The Hero of their services.
• If captured by the hero for any length of time, I will act polite and nonthreatening like
the Magnificent Bastard I am. I will not try to escape until I have a reasonably high
chance of success, and I will not taunt my enemies — this will either make the guards
let their guard down or unnerve the hell out of everyone. If, however, I'm taken to the
rebel base, I will keep an ear open for any signs of attack. If I'm unable to get the hell
out of there before such an attack, I'll dodge theKarmic Death by saving the hero's
life and escaping with him. Faking a Heel-Face Turn is optional.
• I will resist the temptation to humiliate captured enemies through deathtraps, forced
signs of subjugation (like kneeling) or forcing them to fight each other. I will treat my
prisoners with basic human respect. My dungeons will be well maintained, well lit
and possess basic comforts — not only does this make it easier to keep an eye on
prisoners and prevent escape, but they will be less eager to do so.

• My prisoners will receive proper health care. If I capture somebody in battle, their
wounds will be treated. If an important enemy is unconscious when I pick them up
and in battle/a deathtrap/et cetera, I will have both their feet amputated and inform
 them that they were crushed when they wake up. Try escaping NOW, hero.
• It's already been done. You shouldn't tempt fate, even in your thoughts.

• I will try avoiding hiring Knights of the Templar variety as my police. They have a
bad tendency to take orders literally, and I need my Public Relations Image to be
high.

• This won't stop my from hiring them as soldiers, obviously, because fanatics make
great infantry.
• I will keep in mind that the most dangerous person in the hero's group is either the
little old man or the small, skinny girl. If the hero is either of these, well, liberal use
of the Kill Sat is always a good plan.
• You know something? Screw this list and all its rules. If I follow all these rules I'll
never have any fun and that's the whole point of being an Evil Overlord. Being Genre
Savvy IS BORING. So the only rule I'm going to have is not to follow any of these
rules. So what if the Hero kills me? At least I get to have fun, and besides, Who
Wants to Live Forever??

• Well...What about a simulated reality? You can do whatever you want in there and it
all becomes fake! Though you gotta be careful that you actually know if you are in
the simulation. Maybe you get a funny hat when you enter...
• You're not getting it. Evil Overlording is hard work. There's plenty of time for
genocidal fun once The Chosen One is gone, and until then, if you are not content
with obscene wealth, nigh-unstoppable power, your multiple harems, your army of
loving servants, your rocket car, your house made of gold, and the gaping hole of
black in your chest where a human heart once beat and loved, maybe you should
choose another career. If you want a short and fun life with a painful end, we have
openings in our Big Bad Wannabe department.
• I will also get a tan and dye my hair blonde, to confuse the enemy.

• The latter isn't such a good idea.

• I amend the previous statement. I will not look like Albert Wesker, instead, I'll dye
my hair red and watch the hero try to "change" me, and I shall sit back and giggle
to myself.
• If I must put in the ability for the hero to hack my equipment, I will make certain to
make it literally impossible (for example: if it is done via a pipe-dream-esque setting,
I will make the one slot before the exit set off an alarm or cause the device to explode
in a violent fashion).
• If I hire any ninja, I will make certain they understand the concept of stealth. Any
ninja who are known to run around in broad daylight screaming the names of their
attacks at the top of their lungs will not even be considered for the job.
• Same goes for any type of person who does not do what their job title is supposed to
be.
 • They will, however, be considered for non-stealth missions. No sense throwing
away people with good combat abilities because of personal bias.
• People who shout the names of their (incredibly devastating) attacks will fit right
in with the Quirky Miniboss Squad. People who feel the need to name even attacks
as simple as kicks and punches will only be fit for the role of Court Jester, which
will be the job with the highest mortality rate in my entire evil empire. My desires
to build and use inescapable death traps will be vented on the Court Jester.
• If their name is Jack Rackan, however, I shall endeavour to get as far away from
them as possible.

• Ninjas in my employ shall be hired according to their skillsets and organized into
one of the following sub-categories:
• Combat Ninjas shall accompany my Legions of Terror dressed as one of the basic
soldiers; imagine the hero's surprise when his small group is butchered by the
seemingly useless Mook.

• Assassination Ninjas shall be just that, Assassins. Refer to all Assassin based
entries for help.

• Subtlety Ninjas shall work as my Spies and Infiltrators, planting false information,
retrieving important information and generally making the Rebellions efforts much
more difficult.
• On 847th thought, screw being an Evil Overlord. If I can do all of that, I can go legit
and make a ton of money much easier.

• If I decide to become legit, I will still be evil. There will be much cackling, and
declarations of my godhood. Because, if I'm completely legit, there's no need for
humility since no one can punish me for anything.
• No matter how consumed I am by The Dark Side, I will never ignore or forget the
reasons I became an Evil Overlord in the first place. Just saying that I inherited The
Empire from my dad doesn't count.
• I will cross-train all my maids in the art of combat. Imagine the hero's surprise when
the seemingly harmless French Maid runs up and kicks him in the head. Or other
places....

• Why waste the surprise on a kick? The moment where she throws herself into the
arms of her "liberator" will be a great opening for that knife hidden in her feather-
duster.
• If at all technologically feasible, I will not command my forces from an evil lair or
fortress; that will instead be a symbolic center and be used as a barracks and
storehouse, if anything. Instead, I will secure a smaller but equally-secure and very-
well-hidden hideout some distance away. This A. serves as a backup command when
the Big Damn Heroes storm my palatial castle-tower in the middle of Mordor, B. robs
the Action Hero of his much-anticipated Boss Battle (in which my victory would be
 unlikely), and C. acts as a safeguard for the inevitable collapse that could otherwise
be my death.

• My palatial castle-tower will be able to remote detonate. Which I will use when the
heroes arrive in "my chambers" at the very top of the 10th floor. Or possibly several
stories underground. Either way, I want it to be inescapable.

• Why most villains make themselves so easy to locate is unknown, but you can be
sure most heroes would not expect such tactics, nor would they take a liking to
rooting through acres of wilderness looking for a hidden second base while you
continue a guerrilla war with the remainder of your army.

• I would think that the point of being the evil overlord would be to make sure that
the peasants kneel before you on a daily basis. Living in a concrete bunker in the
wilderness during times of peace would be just ridiculous. I became an evil
overlord for the perks, that's what makes conquest worthwhile.
• To ensure that "Evil Cannot Comprehend Good" does not come into play, I will
familiarize myself with whatever morality system the heroes subscribe to, and so
confirm that the reverse is true. Even if this seems trivial, it still can be useful when
predicting my enemies' actions. Remember, they have moral and social limits that
you do not, so do not fatally overestimate them and assume they think like you.
• I will however remember that abusing morality systems tends to cause anti-
HEROES to emerge. Heroes without moral and social limits can be extremely
dangerous to the villain that is used to abusing morality systems.

• I will not make assumptions about the humanity and morality of the hero who struts
about in all black and slaughters every minion he crosses paths with. While some
heroes slaughter mooks without a second thought only to spare the Evil Overlord, I
will not count on this.

• All of my personal grooming will be done by me and me alone, especially if it

involves a blade or something that will go in my mouth or eyes, no matter how
luxurious, opulent, or flashy it would be to pay others to do it for me.

• If I don't want to risk cutting my own hair and making a mistake that looks horrible
or stupid, I will only allow someone I trust near my neck with a pair of scissors or a
razor, and they will have guns trained on them at all times.
• I will always be clean and well-groomed, especially if I have to appear before the
public.
• I will not be obsessive about my grooming. Elaborate hair styles, makeup, and
beards take too much maintenance, and messing it up is an easy way for the hero to
royally piss me off.
• If I am a male evil overlord and I am blonde, I will dye my hair.

• My five-year-old child advisor will also be autistic, just in case another Simon
appears; then, I'll have someone that would have their mind working the same way.
 • I will recruit every child with Autism Spectrum Disorders in my realm. Taking care
of the low-functioning ones helps my PR, and the high-functioning ones can be very
useful.
• I'll start pretending to be a nice fellow to everyone, and sharpening up my innocent
looks. If it worked quite well for Aizen, wouldn't it work for someone that's more of
a Genre Savvy than him?

• From time to time, I will creep around my evil lair, sneak up on guards, and shout
"Boo!" Any guard who jumps will be demoted to light infantry.

• The front line of the light infantry, in fact.

• I will wear sufficient armor to protect myself while doing this, though. Any guard
who responds by turning around and pointing their weapon at me, presumably
before I'm in stab-them range, will be considered for promotion to my Personal
Guard. And at least a raise.

• On second thought, I will hire somebody else to do this and equip them with a
mini-cam to record the results. No sense risking death because the guard I just
startled got a lucky shot through the gaps in my armor.
• Incidentally, I will learn how to move silently. I will then exercise this knowledge by
making as much of the floor in my lair creak as much as possible, to
prevent intruders from moving silently. The exception will be floors that lead to my
emergency escape route.
• I will stop wasting my time on stupid, pointless sites and actually try getting my Evil
Empire off the ground.
• When, or if, I actually manage to Take Over the World, I must immediately start
working to keep everyone together. La Résistance will likely be trying to ruin my
new global order, and I want as few people as possible in said rebellion.Bread and
Circuses will be my best way to reduce the rebels' numbers, because La Résistance is
often-times formed from an oppressive ruler. And do I really want to have to deal
with that problem AFTER I took over the world and have to govern everyone?
• I will start my global empire in Australia. Great natural defenses, and a tactically
powerful geographical position.

• Plus, if I start in the Outback, it may take years for anyone to notice.

• If at any point the hero shouts "You're insane/mad/crazy" I will NOT ignore them or
laugh. I will be seeing a psychiatrist anyway, since it's hard to enjoy absolute power
when you aren't right in the head.

• My psychiatrist will NOT be someone that I kidnapped. I will require someone

loyal who will engage in Doctor-Patient Confidentiality. Preferably loyalty that will
be bought with my obscene wealth versus someone with a conscience.
• The misinformation campaign regarding my one secret weakness shall
 involve several fake weaknesses, each confided in a different person. This way, if the
hero attempts to vanquish me by dousing me with lemon-lime sports soft drink,I will
know immediately who I need to issue arrest and termination orders for once
I dispatch that annoying do-gooder.
• In fact, let's just cut out the middleman and have most of the false weaknesses
require a Heroic Sacrifice.
• Or the false weakness will require the sacrifice of innocent blood. This will rule out
most heroes from trying to kill me, and then I only have to keep watch for anti-
heroes.
• I will remember that when it comes to blows my choice is not limited to the use of
small arms, illegal purchase of second-hand nukes and expensive development of
awesome, but unreliable Death Rays with subsequent even more expensive and
suspicious orbit injection. For those cases when a few bullets fail to convey the
message, there are various anti-tank munitions, Thermite Missile Massacre,
explosive-driven magnetic generators (for more hi-tech foes) and other destructive
effects to try. At worst, it will give me a chance to disengage and try something else
another day, as the laws of the genre are against one's demise until all Impressive
Pyrotechnics options are exhausted if one keeps trying — so it's wise to have some
more up my sleeve.

• Screw the "never bring swords to a gunfight" rules. I will, of course, bring a gun, but
I will also bring several knives and a strangling cord to any fight I have.
• The reason why is because of the ever so annoying trope Never Bring a Knife to a
Fist Fight which always screws up the technological logic behind weapons.
• On second thought, I will simply not get involved in a gun or fist fight. My body
double will do it. When the Hero and the double disarm to enter the ring, my expert
team of snipers will blow the hero's head off of his shoulders from half a mile away.
The body double will then use the explosive hidden in his cloak to blow up the body
just to make sure. If the hero is really powerful, then I'll bring in the Kill Sat, which
has the added advantage of killing any sidekicks who came to watch the fight.
• I will make certain I have a Cool Ship of any variety, if only because they have a
tendency to be more powerful than regular ships. And it will be my personal mode of
transport, and outfitted so that only I can drive it. That way, those blasted heroes
won't swipe it from me and use it against me.
• I will always have a backup plan on the off-chance something goes wrong. It doesn't
hurt to be prepared, you know.

• Also, if I absolutely have to control a hero or one of their loved ones, I will use more
than one method of control, just in case the hero or heroes manage to break one of the
methods.
• I will use different, random combinations of letters and numbers for all passwords
instead of easily-remembered codewords like "swordfish", or my mother's maiden
name. Such common passwords will instead trigger an automatic lockdown and
 sound the alarm.
• If I find myself I absolutely compelled to do the Slouch of Villainy, I will retain the
services of a competent chiropractor and a good in-house masseuse.
• I will ensure that my secret police, black knights, whatever shall be recruited as
young as possible, and be orphans so that no one will notice that they're missing to
ensure complete and absolute loyalty to me...However, I will make sure that it is not
me who's personally responsible for their kin's demises, that's just asking for
a Karmic Death. Also their existence will not be known to the general public and
their main role is to eliminate my political enemies and the heroes without having
anything trail back to me...

• Children orphaned because some clueless hero tried to topple my regime and the
ensuing mob law got violent will make excellent followers, since they understand
that even unjust law is better than none at all.
• Since I'm a realistic evil overlord, my main priority in any conflict will be to "not
lose" rather than to actually "win".... As Sun Tzu said "Defeat lies in one's own hands
whereas victory lies in the hands of the enemy" and since most of the time it's easier
to kill a cockroach than to crush a hero's determination to win it will be easier in the
long run

• If the Hero is between the ages of ten and thirty, I will be especially careful. Extra
caution shall be used when they reach the ages of 12, 13, 16, 18, 21, and 25.
• If two countries are at war with one another, I will sell weaponry, soldiers, and
supplies to both sides of the conflict........I will charge the country that's losing the
war more for my aid because I know that they are more desperate, and I will also try
and keep the war lasting as long as possible, be it through spreading rumours of
surprise attack from one side or assassination of pesky pro-peace officials in one of
the country's bureaucracies and framing the other side for it........This would be
efficient and beneficial for me for several reasons

• It would allow me to make A LOT OF MONEY.

• I would be able to test the lethality of my weaponry and my soldiers would earn
combat experience without me to actually having to go to war on anyone.

• I will not provide manpower to both sides of the conflict. The last thing I need is
for my soldiers to grow accustomed to killing each other.
• After the two countries are both politically crippled due to the extended period of
war, it will be ridiculously easy for my army to go right in and annex those two
countries.........and the masses wouldn't care that they just been conquered since
there's peace at last.
• My dungeons will have no furnishings with which a hero could fashion into ways to
escape.

• In fact, individual cells will have no furnishings whatsoever. The toilet will be a
 hole in the stone floor, too small for any hero to crawl through. Just in case, the pit
underneath will have no method of escape; it's a dungeon, it doesn't need to smell
good.

• Meals will, of course, be supervised from start to finish, and all dishes will be
returned. It goes without saying that the hero will be given nothing sharper than a
spoon.
• Industrious Heroes have been known to sharpen spoons into weapons. Wooden
spoons would splinter. Plastic spoons can still gouge an eye. Absolutely no spoons.'

• Of course, making sure your guards are fully armored with eye protection when
handling the hero goes a long way in that regard. If the hero can puncture the lens
of a clear metal goggle with nothing but a plastic spoon, then you're probably
going to need a sturdier dungeon anyway.

• If I absolutely MUST keep the hero alive, there's absolutely no reason to let him
keep his HANDS. At the very least, his thumbs will be removed.

• If I am given a gift of wine and the giver swigs from the bottle to prove it's not
poisoned, I will not then drink it from a cup that was also provided by said giver
unless they drink from the same cup first. Also, if I have a food taster, I will wait
more than five minutes after they have tested a foodstuff before I consume it myself.
And my food taster will test EVERYTHING; I don't want to end up diluting safe
wine with untested poisoned water. I will of course make sure I build up an immunity
to every known poison in the world in the first place, but it never hurts to have a
backup plan.

• If I must wear an animal skull as a helmet, I will remove the teeth first, or at least
blunt them.
• I will pull a SHODAN when it comes to dead bodies. Namely, all dead bodies will be
cybernetically resurrected and augmented with not only cool abilities but
brainwashed to obey me.

• It's not brainwashing if I cut out the entire brain and put in an efficient
microprocessor, removing all memories and humanity in the process.
• I will only convince a less advanced civilization that I am a god if I already meet
their qualifications for one, there are no rivaling deities, their religion is not a strictly
pacifistic one, and I am benefited in some way by worship. If I have advanced
technology, I will share it with them as long as it is not capable of destroying me in
any way.
• All soldiers will be instructed that anyone I bother sending them after is worth
killing, as are their close friends, especially if those friends have powers of their own.
• When reading this list, if certain elements contradict each other, I will assume the
Original Overlord List to be the more Genre Savvy, and thus follow the rules on that
list. Also, I will remember that some things just wouldn't work. For example,
although there are some things I must keep on my person at all times, I cannot keep 5
 guns, 3 knives, the Infinity+1 Sword, The Infinity Plus One Armor, 5,000 Remote
Detonators, 10,000 Keys, The Plans to all my various Schemes, 50,000 of whatever
currency I have, several books, a couple of maps, the Game Guide, several Plot
Coupons, my shopping list, and my teddy bear all on me. At least not at the same
time, and labeling all those keys and detonators would be a pain.
• Bag of Holding.

• Hmm, well, I guess… No, that wouldn't work. Even if I had a place to store all that
crap, finding specifically what I need in that pile would be unfeasible.
• Heward's Handy Haversack is a Bag of Holding with an auto-sort feature, and
tends to be cheaper than the equivalent bag.

• The books and maps will be kept on my smartphone/organizer or the magic

equivalent. There will be a small self-destruct that will go off if the wrong passcode
is entered three times, and every app will have its own pass code
• If The Hero is my trusted lieutenant's son, and I won my trusted lieutenant over with
his/her love of family, I will not try to kill The Hero in said lieutenant's presence.
• Especially not with an Agony Beam.

• Nor would I send my trusted lieutenant after his hero son even if he volunteers, not
until it's neccessary. I will reject his request with a Big "NO!" and tell him how it
will be hurtful to fight his own child. This will keep my status as Noble
Demon and if there is some goodness left in my trusted lieutenant's heart, he will
certainly align it with me.
• Just because the hero is dead for good does not mean I can be totally secure in my
power. There will always be someone to take their place.
• If I am fighting in space, any who wish to be in command of any of my ships must
first pass a class about space. This class will try to ensure that my commanders do not
believe any of those commonly held misconceptions or myths aboutthe way outer spa
ce actually works. This will give me a huge tactical advantage over my enemies who
do hold these beliefs.

• Unless it turns out that space really does work that way in the universe I occupy, in
which case I will adjust the classes accordingly.
• Screw making my defenses Nintendo Hard. I will make them the Kobayashi
Mario: Literally unbeatable. No way for my enemies to win.
• Exactly how will you do this, though? Only genuine reality warpers can pull that off
outside of computer-sim worlds, and even then heroes will always find a way. It's
worse to believe that one's defenses are impregnable than for there to be an actual
vulnerability (especially if one is quite well aware of that vulnerability and ready to
kill anything that "exploits" it).
• I will make sure I get laid often enough.
 • But I will keep in mind that Good People Have Good Sex and make sure both
parties enjoy it and we care for each other because then we can never lose!

• Screw this minion business. I'll just steal Aquaman's powers, then use Cthulhu and
Dagon as super weapons, and use the human-size Cthulhu star-spawn and deep ones
as infantry.

• I will ensure that I present myself in a manner that does not garner ridicule from my
enemies, unless I am trying to lower their guard at the expense of my credibility.
• Poor punctuation is unbecoming of any aspiring overlord, and no one wants to follow
a leader who can't form a complete sentence, let alone an evil army.
• I will merely strive to maintain my own communication abilities at a presentable
level. There is no profit in being a Grammar Nazi; After all, if my competition is
embarrassing themselves, why should I offer them any assistance?
• When starting my reign of terror, I must make sure that everything is in my favor. I
won't be shortsighted fool trying to subvert the evil AI; I'll be the evil AI. Instead of
being the naive sap who tries to unlock the Sealed Evil in a Can, I will be the evil that
is sealed... Except I won't be sealed. If, in the event that I am not in a favourable
position when I come into existence, I will never employ the services of the
aforementioned. Instead, I will allow my rivals to pursue such foolhardy tasks. If an
opportunity presents itself where the protagonists requests my help with the
containment of any inevitable apocalypse, I will readily comply.

• Obviously, if I were in a position where I was a malignant AI or the not-quite-so-

sealed evil, I will not announce my presence to the rest of the world. I want to run
things by my own agenda, and preemptive strikes from the world authorities, while
futile, are ultimately distracting.

• To avoid a situation where the protagonist's weakness gives him a stuffy nose while
my weakness causes me to die, I will have my doctors cure my weakness to at least
equal to my opponent (if they are unable to cure it completely).

• To secure that my loyal subjects don't see that I'm actually an antagonist, I will work
my evil empire from afar… like several countries away… using a webcam. My
highest ranked men can hopefully be trusted to cause terror and such without fucking
something up.

• Should I be injured, I will take a vacation rather than put gauze on it, leaving a large
target for my opponent to aim at.
• My WMDs will be able to be deployed at any moment, regardless of if it is only at
60% power when the hero bursts in to stop me. That way, while the hero is feeling
great for reaching me before the doomsday weapon is at full power, I can shoot him
in the gut and fire the DeathLaser at the capital city (causing significantly less
damage, but I still make my point).
• Forget Rule 81, I just won't ever put myself in such a situation in the first place. If I
ever have to fight on a moving platform that zooms under low hanging beams, I'll kill
 my opponent, and then kill the jackass who left a moving plaform in an area with low
hanging beams.

• On second thought, I will not forget it. I will kill any incompetent jackass that puts
moving platforms near low-hanging beams. However, I will also keep in mind that,
in the event of property damage due to explosions, damage, or the like, things that
were formerly safely out of the way may now be in the way. In that event, "If he
glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat" is preferable to being hit from
behind by a rapidly approaching beam.

• The giant cannon sticking out of the top of my lair will actually just be a large
spotlight. The real weapon will be disguised as a tourist trap in the middle of
Oklahoma or North Dakota.

• If I launch a nuke that can be stopped while in flight I will have another attack
launched stealthily while the dumbasses are trying to disarm the nukes (like I'd
actually waste my time nuking Hoboken, NJ).

• I will not launch my fake nuke at New Jersey. That wouldn't fool anyone.

• If the heroes have already send my plan irrevocably down the toilet, I will not attack
them, and if they tell me 'it's over', I'll just surrender. Vilains sometimes have
successes, but the survival chance when trying to kill the heroes as revenge for
foiling your plot are abysmal.

• I will not be in a situation where surrender is my only option.

• If the feudal Japanese(-esque) village I dominate is visited by a mysterious
swordsman who trounches some of my minions during their routine-terrorising, I'll
go to full alert. I will not try to kill, hire, negotiate or even talk with him. I'll take my
best men outside of town for a bit to see if he leaves. If he goes to help the villagers,
I'll cut my losses and leave in the direction he came from. Wandering heroes like that
seldom backtrack, and I'll likely find a village who's previous tyrannical rulers have
been disposed off by said hero, which is now ripe for the picking.

• If I, or any of my minions, are infiltrating the hero's team, the first order of buisness
is to ask him about all those innocent facts about him that I already know. The 6
words any spy dreads to hear is "I never told you my name".

• If killing an entire family is neccesary for my evil plan, I'll order my minions to toss a
hand grenade under whichever bed would offer the best view of the place where the
parents were killed. That's were the last son or daughter who will come after me
sooner or later is hiding.

• My time-bombs will not include a bright timer, a blinking light, or a beeping sound
that would allow anyone to easily find them. My remote-controled bombs will
detonate immediately on triggering, not after 5 seconds of blinking light/beeping
sound. If the bomb is next to the hero, he might escape, while if it's close to a villain,
he'll just stare in horror.

• If I make use of a time-bomb at all, all of its wires will be red. Cutting any of them
 will cause it to detonate. As well, it will be set to detonate when the timer reads one
hour and twelve minutes left, as no hero has ever disarmed a bomb with over an
hour on the timer.

• My ventilation shafts will be man-sized - and a deathtrap.

• They will be equipped with sensors and guillotines.

• FIRST the guilloutines right and left to the triggered sensor will come down, and
THEN the guilloutine above the sensor.
• The smaller ventilation shafts will also be equipped with
guillotines. Animal sidekicks are a plague these days.
• Alternatively, the ventilation shafts will be mainly used to distribute mind control
gas.

• As an alternative to sensor-triggered guillotines, the insides of the shafts will have

two-inch-long blades extending from all sides and packed together closely enough
that anyone attempting to use the shafts will be unable to do so without slicing
themselves up and ultimately dying from blood loss.
• Or I'll just make the shafts too small to crawl through; chances are that no matter
how good the booby traps are, the hero will survive.

• I will emulate a hero while doing my evil deeds. Roving parties of adventurers
always seem to work for them, so why not give it a shot?

• I will choose a language in which my Legions of Doom are to give and follow orders
—preferably a language my enemies do not speak. Any orders given to them in a
different language than the aforementioned are to be ignored, no matter how
believable the source's accent is.
• If I so choose to make this language a dead, extinct one that no one speaks anymore,
I will also take measures to insure my Legions of Doom know who to listen
to. Chances are, the hero has someone in his party who can speak the language,
regardless.

• While an Evil Overlord should have every right to spend his nation's resources on
personal comfort, I will make sure before doing so that there is nothing else that
desperately needs said resources. I'm probably comfortable enough as it is, and I do
not want my authentic Repin to be the reason why I have ill-trained soldiers with too
few weapons.

• The people of any land I conquer are now my people and should be treated
accordingly. Letting my Legions of Doom rape, loot, and pillage to their hearts'
content is just asking for partisan problems down the road and will give the hero
plenty of allies within my own borders when he visits the area.

• If I suspect one of my most brilliant generals is plotting against me, I will make sure I
have actual proof from sources less biased than I am before attempting to get rid of
 him.

• On that note, if he is currently commanding troops in what is shaping up to be a

very important battle, I will wait until that battle is over before initiating any sort of
investigation that would require his absence from the battle. Besides, if he gets
killed in that battle, it doesn't matter either way, since I'll be able to use his earlier
loyalty for propaganda.
• If I suspect his plot involves throwing said battle, I will make sure he knows that
failure, no matter how directly and immediately it leads to the end of my rule, will
result in his death.

• Any prisoners that the hero is attempting to rescue will be killed. If the hero's willing
to go on a veritable suicide mission to get them out, they're clearly more useful to the
hero alive than they are to me alive. The only exceptions are if they have valuable
information that I can't obtain by other means, in which case they will be relocated to
another detention facility.

• To be very specific, they will be transported there through a subterranean tunnel that
can only be accessed from deep within the facility. By the time the hero has fought
his way to said tunnel, the prisoner will already be safely under lock and key in the
other facility. The instant the prisoner is away from the facility the hero has entered,
the tunnel will be sealed off. The tunnel will remain sealed until the hero is no
longer in the facility, the facility is fully repaired, and any guards the hero killed or
otherwise made unfit for duty have been replaced and properly trained to handle
their new posts.

• Unless I couldn't care less about what becomes of my empire after I die, I will not
attempt to divide it among my heirs.

• Ideally, I will not have more than one heir (or take the advice of the original list and
not have any).

• If I am killed, anyone in my will who was involved in my death shall receive nothing
but a much shorter life, even if my will entitled them to more.
• I will have a full understanding of what completely idiotic excuses for tactics tend to
work when the hero employs them. I will develop appropriate countermeasures that
are so obviously effective that any imbecile in front of the screen can tell that the
hero's tactics suck in comparison to mine.

• I will ascend to power by defeating ANOTHER evil overlord. Nothing says "PR" like
becoming an Evil Overlord as a hero.
• I will, however, make sure that the evil overlord I defeated is more evil than I am.

• Marrying for political power, wealth, or physical attraction (or any combination of
the three) makes my consort a possible threat to my rule. As such, it is better for us to
get married simply because we truly love each other. First of all, love is power, and it
also makes it more likely that, no matter what other people think of her, I will think
of my consort as being very beautiful. Besides, no one said bad guys
 couldn't experience "good" feelings like love.
• If we do marry for love, however, I will remain loyal to my consort, as cheating on
her when she truly loves me will make her a possible threat to my rule.

• I will also keep an eye on how much interest she has in my power. If she starts to
love my position of power more than she loves me, she may become a threat to my
rule.

• If I am holding someone hostage, I will kill them the instant the hero refuses my
demands rather than give the hero time to rescue them.

• On that note, any prisoners too valuable alive to use as hostages will never be held
hostage in the first place; when an Evil Overlord bluffs, the hero will usually call it.
• If one or all of the heroes are Shrouded in Myth, I will take all rumors as fact, just to
be safe. For example, if I hear they can bend steel with their bare hands, if they are
captured I will take measures to ensure that their restraints are stronger than steel.
• If I capture a hero who's known to have Eye Beams, I will not have him or her facing
the cell door and I will not stand directly in front of them. Rather, I will place a clamp
on their head to prevent them from turning and frying me, and so they are facing
another hero.

• I will never send one of my female minions into the hero's group to seduce the hero,
keep an eye on his movements, trick him into doing my dirty work, etc., because she
will almost certainly fall in love with the hero, even if he already has a love interest,
and turn on me at the worst possible moment. Even if she is my own lover, even if
she is the most loyal minion in my ranks (heck, possibly even if she prefers women),
she will still almost certainly side with the hero.
• Ugly women tend to be less likely to fall in love with him, so if absolutely
necessary, I will send the ugliest woman in my ranks into the hero's group, though if
I can avoid this situation in the first place, I will, because she may turn out to
bebeautiful with the help of a little makeup, a wardrobe change, and a new hairdo,
in which case all bets are off.
• A 0.0000000000000001% chance of my superweapon backfiring and killing me is
unacceptable. Anything more than a 0% chance of the weapon backfiring is a 100%
chance.
• I will still have contingencies, because even a 0% chance of failure can result in
failure. One cannot be too careful with superweapons.
• I'm talking to you, HAL.

• If I cannot reduce the chance to zero—after all, I might be working with unknown
energies—I will ask my engineers to express the probability in a non-traditional
notation. This will never be converted to percentage. Million to One Chance only
works if the chances are comprehensible.

• I will keep in mind that it will apply anyway.

• In the event that I need to seal the hero and his friends inside one of my fortress's side
rooms for a while, there will be an electric device in my minion's uniforms that, when
placed in contact with the wiring on the inside of a door's control panel,
reverse which side will determine whether the door will either open or seal when the
panel is shot. The outside panel will be shot, sealing it on this side, then the device
will be applied to the exposed wiring so that when the hero attempts to shoot his way
out, he will seal the door on his side.

• I will be sure to inform my minons during my teaching them this procedure, that it
will not work if they're trying to seal them in a room that would be considered
"outside" their current one.

• No, no, no, that's far too confusing. Panels on both sides of the doors will contain
the ability to both seal and open the door, and operation will be restricted to my
own forces by passwords or DNA scans or something. Shooting the panels will
simply make them unusable.
• I will not use my Kill Sat or any other superweapon to kill the hero, because he CAN
and probably WILL survive it. In addition, it might instead kill his love interest or a
sidekick who happens to be with him, making his quest to defeat me personal, and
thus making the hero even stronger. His forces, on the other hand, are usually
vulnerable and are therefore acceptable targets for a superweapon strike—not to
mention most of them won't be present when and if the hero isconfronting me
directly, so it frees up more of my own troops (who can usually be expected to have
weapons that CAN kill him) to fight the hero himself.

• If the hero is a parent, I will do everything I can to appear awesome to his child. Are
you REALLY going to kill your son's idol, Mr. Hero? Do you REALLY want to run
the risk of having to kill your own son somewhere down the road?

• Upon discovering where the hero lives, I will shower his family with gifts. Perfectly
innocent, ordinary gifts. Junior will get toy solders and train sets, and Mrs. Hero
will receive lovely dresses and jewelery. Once the kids are calling me "Uncle
Overlord" and Mrs. Hero has become affluent, I will imply that I would like
"Daddy" to stop trying to kill me.

• Scientists who tell me that their project failed will not be punished unless they told
me earlier that it was a success. After all, a lot of these projects revolve around things
that haven't been tested, so it's inevitable that some of them won't produce the desired
results. On the other hand, scientists who tell me that their failed project is a success
will be punished once said project's failure is discovered. The degree of the
punishment depends on how much the failure has hurt me. If it just cost money to
carry out the project but otherwise had no effect on my plans, a reasonable amount of
the cost will taken out of their own money. If, however, this project has, say,
destroyed one of my cities, thus convincing many of my people to side with the hero,
then unless this was the project's first test and there was no way of knowing
beforehand that it would fail, that scientist is dead.

• He will be sentenced to death in a public trial. In said trial, it will be explained in

length why it's his fault and not mine.
 • Experiments that can destroy citys will be conducted as far away from cities or any
mayor import facilities as possible.

• I will take all people who take up arms against me seriously, no matter how
ridiculous their methods are.

• The instant I have an opportunity to kill my enemy without endangering myself or

my plans, I will take advantage of it.
• I will keep in mind that the laws of reality might not apply to my universe. Even
if anyone looking in from the outside thinks whoever created my universe is insane, I
will follow the creator's rules. If women in my universe are the worst fighters in
existence, then no matter how unfair it may look, I will refrain from giving my
female minions any combat-related jobs. Likewise, even if my universe contradicts
things everyone knows, I follow the laws of my universe, not the real universe.
• If I absolutely must ravish every hapless damsel who blunders my into my clutches, I
will at least take the precautions of having her properly washed first and using a
condom.

• If my capital is seized, I will only surrender if the capital was all that was left of my
country at that point or if I was seized along with the capital and have no way of
escaping alive.

• Whilst I shall not approve of hostility between my citizens, thus earning me a few
brownie points, I shall encourage people to laugh at those idiots with their pants on
the outside.
• Should any of my Mooks run away, I will let them go instead of having my trackers
follow and try to kill them. There are always more mooks, and chasing after them
runs the risk that they befriended the hero during their wanderings so he'll want to
avenge them, or stolen an Artifact of Doom whose curse may transfer onto me if I
kill them, or picked up a horrible disease that may spread to their executioners, or any
number of things it's probably best not to get involved in.

• i also will research the why the did run away - after all many mooks sport common
sense.
• I will not waste resources developing mecha, planet-destroying superlasers, hovering
battleships for atmospheric combat, or similar Awesome, but Impractical symbols of
power. Mecha require enormous feats of engineering and programming to
successfully move, let alone fight effectively. A tank will do just as well; it offers
better crew protection, a more stable weapons platform, and conceivably equal
maneuverability. Hovering vehicles are useful for airstrikes, it is true, but are likewise
difficult to design to prevent crashing, and are amazingly vulnerable to the
destruction or damaging of even a single propulsion unit. Superlasers and similar
doomsday weapons would A) remove the world I was intending to conquer and B)
invariably either require infeasible power levels or be destroyed while charging. A
hypervelocity gun would do just as well, with the added bonuses of easy-to-make
ammunition (metal rods), precision (better to remove an offending city than the entire
 planet) and comparatively low power draw (no more mage-crafted one-of-a-kind
energy crystals). This will free funding for use on practical projects, such as my
personal safety, and it reduces my chances of being destroyed by or along with my
no-longer-so-intimidating creation.
• I will make sure said tank is cooler than any of the aforementioned weapons in
order to ensure that the hero's mecha, hovering warships, etc., don't defeat me by
invoking the Rule of Cool.
• I will make a mecha for show, one that is easily merchandisable. And I won't
disdain Fan Works about it either. No making copyright claims
about YouTube videos, and no DRM on any video games made about it. I'm an evil
overlord,not the RIAA.

• Any autodestruct sequence in any of my bastions will, resources permitting, destroy

the entire facility at the same time. Failing that, it will be destroyed from the outside
in, preventing any intruder from running out ahead of the blast. If the technology or
magic exists, Mooks will be teleported elsewhere immediately, bolstering my
popularity and preventing any need for retraining when I establish a replacement for
that base.
• On that note, any base I lose will be reconstructed elsewhere along with any crucial
data or artifacts they contained. If there was data, it will be heavily encrypted and
transferred before the local memory is purged (preferably with high explosives).
Artifacts will always be on my person or otherwise ready for instant evacuation.
Imagine any hero's frustration at being forced to relive That One Level time and
again without ever acquiring what he was after. Of course, each recreation will
feature better and more lethal security arrangements.

• If the hero is allegedly dead, I'll kill him immediately after this is announced just to
make sure.

• His body will be kept under intense surveillance and constant exposure to whatever
can disable any special powers he possesses. The cell he is kept in will have
poisonous gas constantly pumped through it. To add to that, the walls, ceiling, and
floor will have an electric current flowing through them that is so intense it could
kill ten of him. Also, the cell will be submerged in a gigantic tank of the most
corrosive substance I can get a large enough quantity of. finally, the tank will be at
the end of a linear base defended by a special force trained specifically to make sure
the hero stays dead and his allies never get to him. The base will be as well-hidden
as possible.
• I will not use torture to extract information from captured enemies. When the Anti-
Hero does it, he usually gets the information he's looking for. When I do it to the hero
or one of his allies, I will probably get nothing or lies out of them, not to mention the
act costs me sympathy.

• Any special powers I possess will only be used if I need to use them and never
mentioned to anyone. While having telekinetic powers may be useful, I'd rather have
the hero find out I have them at a time when it is inconvenient (preferably lethal) for
 him. It's also a useful last line of defense against traitors who have planned for
everything else.

• Each and every bit of information I or any of my underlings have will be encrypted in
the best and practical encryption available. Likewise is done for any form of
communication. Any software I have must be able to deliver Checksums or other
proofs of authenticity at any time - especialy AIs and robots.

• I will hire and pay royally every hacker I can get. Said hackers will be used to make
my systems more secure and to find any holes in software and hardware I or my
scientists come up with.

• If I am a magican in a modern Muggle world, I will remember to get all sorts of

Muggle weapons and technology that could help me or substitute for my magic. Even
if my magic can't kill the hero, a well targeted missile will.

• All weapons will have biometric safety that disallows attacks aimed near me. This
extends to both conventional and any super weapons. Where possible, implosion-
based weaponry will be used in place of explosives for anti-vehicular roles.
• I will force George Lucas to remake the Star Wars prequels, and do them right. That
ought to gain me the loyalty of about half the nerds on the planet, if not even more.
Then I will look into The Matrix sequels and some disputed recent comic book
events (you know which ones) if that isn't enough.
• If my last name is the name of a mountain range, I'm legally changing it. Something
like Vetinari would be good.
• I will not Hypnotize the Princess for the usual reasons. I can get my own consort
other ways, and inducing a Face-Heel Turn is too unreliable. Instead, it will be for
fun reasons. If nothing else, I can screw with the hero a hell of a lot. I'll command the
love interest to flash the hero every time he says his transformation phrase. Even if
that doesn't stop the transformation, his look alone would be worth a laugh. And just
for shits and giggles, every time he says his regularCatch Phrase, she will say "I
know you are, but what am I?".
• Perhaps I shouldn't have children who are evil. Good children might turn against me
though. So to minimize the risk, I will adopt a girl who is wise, yet sweet, and raise
her as a Princess Classic. She won't continue my evil tradition after my death or
ascension to godhood, but I'll be dead or a god, so it won't matter to me. Plus having
such a sweet little girl around should earn me adoration points just by being a good
parent.
• I might choose to also raise her as a Badass Princess to defend herself. One
advantage to not doing so would be to have her kidnapped occasionally, with a
trusted vassal to "rescue" her. That way, she will likely find heroes too mundane to
have any interest when the actual one comes along.
• If my daughter ends up Daddy's Little Villain instead, I will still show her love.
Unless she's outright psycho, she wouldn't want to kill her beloved parent. And she
will get some land to rule when she comes of age, so that she can get some practice
 for ruling my whole empire later on.
• Plus I will raise her to at least look good for the populace. No dressing in more
revealing clothes than what is in fashion. If traditional Pimped Out Dresses are the
norm (even pink), that is what she will wear (and I can show her how many of her
favorite weapons she can hide in the frills).

• Whether she is evil or good, if the prophesied hero has children, I will find ways for
my daughter to become best friends with them (in addition to the aforementioned
showering his family with gifts).
• If a rebellion actually happens, and succeeds in freeing part of my empire, I will not
tighten my grip on what remains, especially not try to keep my subjects simple and
uneducated. That will just invite greater rebellion later on. Instead, I will subtly work
to resolve an grievance some parts of my remaining lands have, (but no local leaders
will let it slip that this is my idea, if they know what's good for them). Furthermore, if
the new government of the newly independent land collapses, I will not try to
reconquer it. I will instead offer aid with no strings attached. I will make no move to
retake it unless the people directly ask me to, and even then I'll just declare it a
protectorate. If my empire starts to seem more like a commonwealth, it will be even
harder for the hero to stir up a rebellion.

• My minions, guards, and anyone else with official business in my stronghold will
each be equipped with a ring which must be scanned as secured doors to open them.
However, the scanner will scan not only the ring, but the RFID chip in the wearer's
palm. Anyone who attempts to scan the ring by itself - say, the Hero who just plucked
it off a guard he overpowered - will set off the silent alarm.

• Having a harem is one of the privileges of being an Evil Overlord. However, in the
interest of keeping the women loyal and enthusiastic, inclusion in the harem will be
on a strictly voluntary basis, and those who serve in this manner for two years will
receive a full-ride scholarship at my University.

• Women who are captured will be treated the same as the male prisoners, no matter
how beautiful and alluring they are. They will NOT be added to the harem or
otherwise made to serve me as concubines. Part of the point of having a harem is to
keep me immune to such things, after all.

• I will remember that the sort of things one does with a harem will necessarily make
me vulnerable to them, and I will therefore ensure that it is always in their best
interests that I remain alive and well.

• I will not get married. There are somethings that an Evil Overlord just isn't cut out
for. Any woman who could become my bride would necessarily have to be Evil as
well, and therefore NOT someone you want to have in you bed every night. Besides,
she'd eventually just betray me anyway, and I'd either lose everything I'd worked so
hard for, or I'd have to execute her - which isn't as easy as it sounds, even for an Evil
Overlord.

• Minions who wish to be in positions where they carry firearms will be required to
 demonstrate basic proficiency. Anyone who can't consistently hit a human-sized
target at thirty yards will remain on the custodial staff.

• Already covered in the original list, except that this minion is being used for target
practice.

• I will make sure that bogus prophecies are spread around the populace, which
pointedly do not come to pass. That way, if they ever hear the genuine article, they'll
ignore it. Even the genuine prophecies only come to pass because people believe in
them.

• All Innkeepers will be on my payroll, and rewarded for useful pieces of information
regarding travelers from afar.

• If a wandering bard makes up an unflattering song about me, I'll have a good chuckle
along with everyone else, invite him to dinner in my stronghold, and them feed him
to my monster for my own private enjoyment. One must keep up the appearance of a
benevolent despot, but that doesn't meant you let the bastard get away with it.

• There will be absolutely NO death traps in my private chambers which might be

turned against me. They're called "private" chambers for a reason, and there should
never be any need for me to bring someone in there who I might want to kill.

• My personal bodyguard will not have a mechanical arm or a laser-shooting eye as his
primary weapon; he will have a pistol. Gimmicky weapons have a way of failing at
crucial moments.
• If and when I capture the Hero's pet monkey/dog/falcon/other such loyal animal, I
will not attempt to have it act in any way for my amusement. It's just either going to
bite me or try to steal something and escape.
• In fact, I'll hire an expert in whatever type of animal it happens to be and have them
take care of it. I have more important things to do than to make sure my nemesis's
pet is alive and comfortable, but I'd rather not have The Hero going on a Roaring
Rampage of Revenge against my legions of terror because I decided to cheap out on
a special brand of dog biscuit and Fluffy starved.