10 Extravagant Emotion Understanding and Transforming love Relationships in Emotionally Focused Therapy Susan Johnson Wiuiam James DESCRIBED emotions as “adaptive behavioral and physiological response tendencies called forth directly by evolutionarily significant situa tions" (1894). In one of the most evolutionarily significant situations of all— the creation and maintenance of emotional bonds between sexual partners—emotions are front, center, and often extreme, To create significant and lasting change, the discipline of couple therapy has to find a way to deal with, regulate, and harness the force of nature that is raw emotion ta move distressed partners in the direction of stable, positive, and emotionally satisy: ing connection, In the past this was deemed an impossible task. For many years couple therapists dedicated themselves to persuading distressed couples to minimize for replace their emotions with reason, insight, negotiation skills, and pragmatic probiem solving. Bowenian, behavioral, and solution-(acused approaches, in particular, moved in this direction. But, strong emotion in primary relation ships is hard to get around and is suppressed only at great cast, The good news is that we no longer need to do this. We now have the scientific knowledge necessary to be able to use the considerable power of emotion to transform key emotional perceptions, signals, and the key ways partners engage each other in the situations that define @ love relationship. Rather than fearing its disruptive potential, we can now harness the extravagant transformational power of emotion. We can create an enrationally intelligent coupte therspy. 257258 ‘The Hecling Power of Emotion Such a therapy would first need to fit with what we know about the emo: tional variables in relationship distress and satisfaction. Secondly, it would rnced to reflect the new scientific clarity about the nature of emotion in gen eral, And, thirdly and more specifically, it would need to be based on a theory cof love that offers a guide to the extravagant and compelling emotions of love and how they define our relationships, Fourth, it would alsa need to provide a clear map of change processes that outlines the ways in which interventions address dysfunctional emotion and alsa uses emotional experience and expres: sion to create change in cognitive, behavioral, and interactional patterns. “These four requirements have been addressed in the current literature on emo- tionally focused therapy for couples (EFT, Johnson, 2004, 2005, 2008b), This chapter further explores EFT as such a therapy. ‘The model of EFT is well validated. Meta-analyses describe a recovery rate of 70-73% and an 86% significant improvement rate in distressed couples tweated with EFT (Johnson, Hunsley, Greenberg, & Schindler, 1999), and there is evidence that results are stable even with high-risk couples (Clothier, Manion, Gordon Walker, & Johnson, 2001). There is also evidence of ef- Fectiveness with traumatized and depressed partners. EFT is used with many different kinds of couples (eg., working class, less educated and executive couples, gay and “straight” couples) and across cultures (e.g, with Asian, La- tino, Northern European, Japanese, and North American couples). There is also a number of studies validating the process of change documented in the EFT model. ll studies of EFT are listed on the EFT website at wow dice How Crucial |s Emotion in Defining the Quality ‘of Romantic Relationships? For the general public this is a moot point, A sense of emotional connection— ‘of loving and being loved—is the main expectation far people involved in Tong-term partnerships (Coontz, 1005). Research on marriage has also made it clear that variables such as conflict containment are not at the “heart” of these relationships. Huston and colleagues, in a study of the trajectory of newly wed couples, found that, ater 5 years, emotional responsiveness was the most powerlul predictor of satisfaction (Huston, Caughlin, Hours, Smith, '& George, 2001), In general, postive emotion scems to be the best predictor cof marital satisfaction and stability (Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998), whereas facial expressions of negative emotion, especially fear on the face of the husband and angry contempt on the face of the wie, have been found to be powertul predictors of the negative future trajectory of maritalEXTRAVAGANT EMOTION, 259 relationships (Gottman, 1994). Habitual negative ways of expressing one’s cemmotions create stable destrictive pattems in interactions—for example, crip {cal angry blaming on the part of ane spouse, followed by an avoidance of «emotional expression and withdrawal by the other. This pattern in particular is powerful predictor of divorce (Gottman, 1994), “There appears to be a consensus inthe relationship Geld that how partners regulate their emotions and thus how they engage with their loved one on aq ‘emotional level is @ key determinant of relationship quality. Emotion ang, ‘emotional communication are organizing or “leading elements’ in human so cial systems Johnson, 1998) Ina circular fashion, emotional signals organize the relationship dance, and patterns of respanses in this dance then shape ‘emotional realities and responses. Its also becoming increasingly clear that partners are the hidden regula tors not only of each other's emotional lives, but of each other's physiology Recent research into the ncurcbiology of emotion tells us that in close rely tionships we are engaged ina “neural duet" (Goleman, 2006), where partners ‘impact each other's cardiovascular, immune, and endocrine systems. We alsg know that loneliness can increase blood pressure to the point where the risk of heart attack and stroke is doubled (Hawkley, Masi, Berry, & Caclopno, 2006), and in men and women with congestive heart failure, the state of the patients marviages as good a predictor of survival after 4 years as the Severity of symptoms and degree of impairment (Coyne et al, 2001). Moreover, the more belligerent and contemptuous partnes’ conflicts are, the higher the ley. els of stress hormones tend (o be and the more depressed the immune system These fects seem to directly impact processes such 35 wound healing (Kiecolt-Glaser et al, 2005), Emotional signals are the music of the dance between intimates. The music shapes each person's emotional and physica] response, guides each partner's moves, and pulls for complementary moves from the other What Is Emotion? Any effective couple therapy must not only contain powerful negative emo, tions, but also systematically shape positive emotions and use them to fostey responses such as compassion, caring, and the longing for connection tht ae vital in a loving relationship. Understanding the general nature of emotion js essential. Fst, emotion is not a primitive, irrational response oF simply a sen sation or a“ecling" It isa high-level information-processing system that int grates a person's awareness of innate needs and goals with feedback from the260 The Heeling Power of Emotion environment and predicted consequences of actions (Frijda, 1986). It is com: prised of the following elements (Arnold, 1960) Initial rapid, ananscous appraisal of erironmental cues a they relate to key seroioal Inperaivs andar onenation to evant ews Emotion orients and directs us to focus ‘on what is important in our environment. People who cannot access emotion ‘due to brain injuries eannot make rational decisions and choices (Damasio, 1994), They become caught in pondering all possible possibilities because they have no internal compas to orient them to what they want and need-—to give them a felt sense of what matters to them * Bady responses, The word eation comes from the Latin word enovee, mean- ing to move. Emotion “moves" us physically and mentally. Both the initial appraisal and body response occur extremely fast, without eognitive media tion, whereas the more reasoning part of the brain, the Frontal cortex, inte- grates information ata slower pace. This is especially true in fer reactions, for ‘which immediate response is vital and can mean the difference between life and death * Cogitoeeappaial. The meaning of cues and sensations is considered and evaluated and this meaning linked and integrated into cognitive frameworks, ' Action priming. Emotion motivates and primes us for action in a rapid and ‘compelling manner (Tomkins, 1962, 1963). Anger, for example, often primes assertion of needs and fear often primes fight or freeze responses. For the ‘couple therapist it fs important to note that the signals that arise asa result of this process then communicate 10 others our inner state and intentions. Affec- tive expression also organizes the interpersonal reflex or action tendency of the other, ‘This kind of information is directly relevant for a therapist. In EFT, for ex- ample, the therapist can work with these elements to “unpack’ 2 particulae emotional response and then to reframe the whale into = new construction ‘An example of this process is given later in this chapter. There seems to be general agreement (Ekman, 2003) that the core emo tions, which can be universally recognized from cistinct facial configurations, are the following: anger, sadness, fear, joy, surprise and excitement, disgust and shame. These emotions appear to be universal and to be associated with specific neuroendocrine patterns and brain sites (Panksepp, 1998a). Emotions often have “control precedence” (Tronick, 1989), easily overriding other cues and behaviors, especially in important relationships with those an whom we depend the most. As John Bowiby (1980), the father of attachment theory, satesEXTRAVAGANT EMOTION, 261 “The most intense emotions aise during the formation, the maintenance, the disruption and renewal of attachment relationships. The formation of a bond is described as falling in love, maintaining a bond as loving someone, and losing a partner a6 grieving over someone. Similarly, threat of loss arouses anxiety and actual los gives rise to sorrow, while each ofthese situ- ations i likely to arouse anger. The unchallenged maintenance of a bond is experienced as a source of security and the renewal of a bond asa source of joy. Because such emotions are usually @ reflection of the state of a person's affectional bonds, the psychology and the psychopathology of emotion is, found 10 be in large part the psychology and psychopathology of alec: tional bond's Emotion can be differentiated into at least three levels: (1) adaptive, pri- mary, or core, (2) secondary or reactive, as when Wwe feel the prick of fear but ignore it or deal with it by leaping into anary defensiveness, and (3) inst rental, as when we express emotion to manipulate others (Greenberg & John son, 1988). Primary emotions can also become maladaptive when they are overlearned and based on overwhelming traumatic experience (Greenberg & Paivio, 1997). Secondary reactive emotions tend to hide primary responses, (0 obscure the original response, and to take interactions between intimates in a negative direction, EFT advocates evoking the primary-attachment-oriented ‘emotions to shift habitual negative response patterns that rellect secondary ‘emotional responses by, for example, exploring the primary despair and fear that underly a blaming partners apparent chronic anger. When this primary kind of fear is expressed, it elicits a different response from the partner and begins to shift stuck negative interactional patterns Emotion in the Context of Love Relationships Couple therapists need more than a general understanding of emotion. They need co understand how emotions work in, and help to define, close relation: ships. This understanding has to address specific issues. For example ‘When is positive emotional engagement particularly essential in 3 close relationship? How do we understand the powerful emotional dramas that characterize love relationships? ‘What do we make of the habitual differences in emational expression be tween partners?262 The Healing Power of Emotion Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969/1982, 1988, Johnsen, 20032) offers the therapist an invaluable guide to such issues by helping to define features of love relationships, set treatment goals that are relevant and meaningful, and ‘map out the best ways to intervene. It offers the couple therapist a compass in the change process. More than this, in the last 15 years the work on adule at- tachment (Cassidy & Shaver, 1999, Rholes & Simpson, 2004, Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007) has validated and expanded original formulations of attachment theory and made it clear that this theory is, at one and the same time, a theo- ry of intrapsychic affect regulation and a systemic theory of relatedness. A sense of secure connection to. loved one can help us keep ouremational bal- ‘ance, rather than becoming flooded with overwhelming emation oF suppress: ing emotions to the point where we are numb and unable 10 use them as a ‘guide or to fexibly attune to our partner. As Schore notes (1994, p. 244), contact with a supportive, safe attachment figure "tranguillizes the nervous system." A sae relationship prometes optimal affect regulation, and vice verse (Fosha, 2000) ‘The role of attachment in affect regulation can be seen ina study by Coan, Schaefer, and Davidson (2006). Women were placed in a magnetic resonance imaging (MR!) machine and told that when a light lashed, they would some. times be shocked on their feet. Researchers could then see how the brain lit up in response to this stressor. Being left alone in the machine maximized the stress response and the subjective experience of pain from the shocks. How- ever, when astrangerheld a woman's hand, the stress response and pain inten sity lessened. The most significant decrease occurred when a spouse was present to hold the woman's hand, This effect was directly proportional to the ‘women’s experience of the positive quality of their connection with this part- ner. The research on attachment in adults is consistent in finding that a sense ff secure connection to a loved one fosters the ability to deal with extreme negative emotions-—for example, emotions arising from trauma such as im: [prisonment as a prisoner of war (Solomon, Ginzburg, Mikulincer, Neria, & ‘Ohty, 1998 ). A sense of secure connection also helps people process more everyday emotional experiences and to process emotion in a way that pro: ‘motes positive relationship behaviors, such as confiding or assertiveness (Levy & Davis, 1988) Attachment Theory Attachment theory states that seeking and maintaining emotional contact with significant others 1s an innate, primary, motivating principle in humanEXTRAVAGANT EMOTION 263 beings across the lifespan. Dependency is then an innate part of being human rather than a childhood trait that we outgrow. A sense of connection with an attachment figure is an innate survival mechanism. The emotional, physical, or representational presence of attachnient figures provides a sense of comfort and security, whereas the perceived inaccessibility of such figures creates dis- tress. A sense of secure emotional conneetion with another i the natural anti- dote to anxiety and vulnerability. Positive attachments create « safe hao that offers buffer against the effects of stress and uncertainty (Mikulince, Florian, ‘& Weller, 1993) and an optimal context for the contiquing development of ‘mature, flexible, and resourceful personality. Secure attachment also offers a secwe base from which individuals can explore their universe and adaptively respond to their environment. This secure base promotes the confidence nec ‘essary t0 risk, learn, and continually update models of self, others, and the ‘world so that adjustment to new context is fcilitated. Safe connection with an attachment figure strengthens the ability to stand back and reflect on one. sell, one's behavior, emotional responses, and mental states (Fonagy & Target, 1997), Securely attached individuals are better able co take emotional risks, 0 reach out to and provide support for others, and to cope with conflict and stress. Ther relationships tend tobe happier, more stable, and more satisfying than those of people with insecure attachments, Secure attachment complements self-confidence and autonomy (Feeney, 2007), Secure dependence and autonomy are two sides ofthe same coin, rath exthan dichotormes (see also Hughes, Chapter 11, this volume, and Solomon, Chapter, this volume), as often presented in the couple and family literature. Security is associated with a more coherent, articulated, and positive sense of sell (Mikulincer, 1995). The more securely connected we are, the more sepa rate and different we can be. Health in this model means maintaining a felt sense of interdependency, rather than attempting to become "sel-suficient” and maintaining boundaries with others. The building blocks of secure bonds are emotional accessibility and responsiveness. An attachment figure cen be ‘physically present but emotionally absent. If there is no perception of emo: ‘ional accessibility or engagement, an emotional process of separation distress results. In attachment terms, any response (even anger) is better than none Emotion is central to attachment, and this theory provides 2 guide for un derstanding and normalizing many of the extreme emotions that accompany distressed relationships. Theorists such as Panksepp (1998a, sce also, Chapter 1, this volume) suggest that loss of connection with an attachment figure in- duces a particularkind of fear—a primal panic. This concept fits with Bowlby's belief that isolation is inbertly traumatizing for human beings. Any form of {heat 1 the individual or the relationship activates attachment emotions and 4oes The Healing Power of Emotion needs, Attachment needs for comfort and conection then become pari seeking, are activated. A sense of connection with a ‘ult emotional regulation device. Attachment ta be protection against feelings of helplessness and meanin, van der Koik, 1996, p. 24) i atachment behaviors fail to evoke comforting responsiveness and con tactfrom a loved one, prototypical proce ol angry protest clinging ween detachment, Depression is a matural response es of comecton Dooly viewed anger in clot relationships a often being an attempt tombe cory with an inaccessible attachment figure and he distinguished it hom we oct Sitges poms epndon goats et Mean despair, which becomes desperate and coerce In secure elnionsinens tet at presivedinacceniblity i recognized and accepted (one wy Anatachmentrcrcdtheapstvews many eneme roto ey ooo distressed coupes a primal panic oF secondary reactive emotion torn ic. This approach differs from other perspectives, wherein these mgt be sen 8 signs of immaturity, ack of communication sil, ees ality law, or sign oF enmeshment” in the couples elatonship, In this theory, ways of regulating primary atachment emotions ae nite and individual eilferencesin emotional reglaion and expresionse ea able Insecure relationships the connection tthe parner wears comfort and creates a sense of emotional homeostasis In insecure wre shipe there ate only limited ways of coping with» negate respon no auestions “Are you there forme "Will you respond when | eee he | depend on you" ‘Do you value me ard the connection with men Insecure altachment response ae organized along ive dimensions anxic ty and avoidance (Fraley & Waller, 1998). When the conneeton wqh oom replaceable other is thretened, attachment erations, parteuary on can become hyperactvated. Attachment behaviors become hehnne oy intense; anxious clinging, pursuit, and even aggresive attempt neg respons rom the loved one esclate. Even when the loved ome reper ns reponse nay ntbe completely tested and ahahened eae ity 10 relationships cues may remain. This response can be mo can become chronic and develop into a habitus! way of dealing and engaging the partner. “The second strategy for desling with the lack of eafe emoti ment, especially when hope for responsiveness has heen lost tivate the attachment system and suppress attichment emo y others our primary nslessness’ (McFarlane & HSE responses mentary or it with emotions ional engage- ‘5 t0ty 0 deac- tions and needs,EXTRAVAGANT EMOTION 265 focusing on external tasks and avoiding ettemps at emotional engagement Unfortunately, the suppression of affect is hard work and ineffective, often resulting in increased physiological arousal and tension in both partners (Cross, 2001), If this affect regulation style becomes generalized, it effectively cuts off the person from an awareness of his or her emotional responses and needs and shuts out the partner. These wo basic affect regulation strategies — (1) the anxious beightoind of enoton eliciting hypervigilant clinging behaviors, and (2) the deacked avoidance—tend to pull for confirming responses from 3 partner. A third sirategy, Jef evident, (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991), wherein a partner clings and then, when closeness is offered, avoids, 1 assoc ated with traumatic attachments wherein others are both the source of, and solution to, fear Johnson, 2002) ‘The anxious and avoidant strategies were fist identified vis experimental separations and reunions between mothers and their infants. Some infants ‘were able to modulate ther distress on separation, to connect with their emo: tions and process them so as to give clear signals to the mother, and to accept hher calming, reassuring contact when she returned. Then, confident of her responsiveness if she was needed, they returned to exploration and play. These children were viewed as sewely attached Others became extremely distressed fon separation and cling or expressed anger to the mother on reunion, They ‘were difficult to soothe and seemed to swerve between one reactive negative emotion and another. They were viewed as anxiousy atache. A third group showed signs of signiicane physiological distress but showed httle emotion at separation or reunion. The infants in this group focused on tasks and activities and were seen as aovdarily altached. These styles ae “self-maintaining patterns ‘of social interaction and emotion regulation strategies’ (Shaver & Clarke, 1994, p. 119), Although these habitual forms of engagement can be modified by new relationships, they can also mold current relationships and so become self-perpetuating ‘These strategies impact many key relationship behaviors because they sculpt the nature of emotional engagement with others. Research has found that se care attachment is linked to more positive and intense positive emotion and less frequent and intense negative emotion, such as anger in key, relationships Shaver and Mikulincer (2007, p. 450) note that people who are securely a tached can “reappraise situations, construe events in relatively benign tetms, symbolically transform threats into challenges, hold onto an optimistic sense of slleticacy and attribute undesirable events to controllable, temporary, oF context dependent ceuses” In brief, these individuals have learned that dis tress is manageable, ‘Attachment affect regulation strategies also predict key relationship behav-266 The Healing Power of Emotion iors, such as responses to conflict and responses to seeking and giving support. ‘Those witha secure style are generally happier and better able to each out for and provide support (Simpson, Rhos, & Nelligan, 1992, Simpson, Rholes, & Phillips, 1996), and they have closer, stabler and more trusting, satisfying re Iationships (Collins Read, 1990, Simpson, 1990). They can better acknowl edge and communicate their needs and are less likely to be verbally aggressive or withdraw during problem solving (Senchek & Leonard, 1992). Research suggests that partnerships containing atleast one sceure partner are more har ‘monious and have fewer conflicted interactions (Cohn et al, 1992) Strong emotion in attachment relationships also cues associated internat ‘working models of self and other. Secure sttachment is characterized by @ ‘working model of self that is worthy of love and care and is confident and ‘competent and a model of others as dependable and worthy of trust. These models ol self and other, distilled out of» thousand interactions, are not one- dimensional cognitive schemas. rather, they are saturated with emotion and translate into procedural scripts for how to create relatedness. More specif cally, chey reflect haw emotion is regulated within specific relationships (Fosha, 12003). Emotion is an organizing force in working models rather than an outcome of them. Working models are formed, elaborated, maintained, and, ‘most important for the couple and family therapist, revised through emotion: al communication (Davila, Kerney, & Bradbury, 1999). fn fact, tobe optimally \seful, they must be constantly revised as changes occur in interpersonal con- ‘Auachment theory outlines the basic human responses, particularly those needs and fears that structure long-term bonds. It offers a new and compre- hensive understanding of romantic love (Johnson, 2008) and 2 map identify ing pivotal, emotionally “hot” events that seem to define relationships and in which individual entities are shaped. Attachment theory provides a way to identify key recurring moments of palpable emotional disconnection, wherein teactive emotions spark negative cycles, such as demand and withdraw, which, then take aver the relationship. It also identifies key positive moments of bonding that restore connection, create new positive emotions, and provide an antidote-to negative cycles. This theory helps us understand when strong, ‘emotional impasses prevent the renewal of connection and how to use emo: ‘ion in the service of restoring trust after an injury. These events, called at tachment injuries, occur when partneis experience abandonment and betrayal at times of intense need (Johnson, Makinen, & Millikin, 2001; Makinen & Johason, 2006) In summary, atachment theory provides the couple therapist with a clear set of goals, a focus,» compass to navigate the process of change, and alanEXTRAVAGANT EMOTION, 167 ‘auage for the emotion: laden dilemmas and stuck places that cripple love rela ionships Emotionally Focused Interventions EFT is 2 humanistic constructivist approach (Neimeyer, 1993) combining a Rogerian mode! of working with emotion with a systemic structural model of changing interactions. EFT uses emotion in the way that Bowlby suggested it be used (1991). a5 2 primary source of information to the seli and to others about needs and motives and as a primary route to connecting with attach ment figures. In general, the EFT therapist tracks, accesses, and evokes emotion as a source of information about people's needs and fears and how these "move" partners and so structure the relational dance. The therapist also helps clients to shift their habitual ways of regulating their emotions in interactions with their spouse; for example, by expressing anger indirectly through criticism and hiding softer emotions such as fear. The therapist helps clients unfold and restructure key emotional experiences tha: may be marginalized in cheir awareness, such as, or example, the experience of loss and abandonment that fuels rage or the sense of hopelessness underlying expressions of apathy or ‘numbness. The therapist also uses primary "sot” attachment emotions, suchas sadness, to shape new responses that are crucial ro secure attachment, such as the ability to assert needs or ask for comfort and caring. The EFT therapist assumes that itis not simply naming or reframing negative emotions that is crucial for change, rather, a new experience of core attachment emotions, which then organizes new interactional responses, is necessary. ‘The goals of EFT are sequential. First, we seek to reprocess and restructure the negative emotions that constrain interactive response and create stuck cycles of insecurity in a couple relationship. Second, we seek to create new positive emocione and responses co one’s partner that tuen the relationship nto a safe haven and a secure base. The change process moves through three stages: (1) negative cycle deescalation, (2) restructuring of attachment inter actions, snd (3) consolidation Rather than lst the steps and interventions of EFT or describe this mode! in detail (Johnson 2004, 2008a), here I focus on key change events in EFT to show how negative emotional responses are reprocessed in destructive de mand-withdraw cycles and how emotion is restructured to elicit positwve re sponses to one’s partner. James and Sarah have becn married for 25 years, James has always struggled268 The Healing Power of Emotion with depression and with a lack of confidence in himself, Sarah is a strong ‘woman who has battled multiple sclerosis for years, volunteers in her com: munity, and helps with her grandchildren whenever she can. James's thera. pist has suggested that his depression will not change, even if he attains the promotion he is seeking at work, unless his marriage improves. When | ask him how he seems the problem, he mutters that it is probably about how: useless he is and how he cannot ever please his wife. Sarah explodes with frustration and talks about haw he shuts her out and ignares her for days James asks me, in a cur, tight vaice, for exercises he can do to make his wife happy. She esnnot ask for comfort but makes demands in a cntical way. He Cannot respond consistently but goes into his shell to protect himself and deal with his attachment fears. She then feels deserted and becomes en raged. ‘Once a safe alliance has been established, and the negative cycle is clear, | reframe the problem between the partners in terms of this cycle that leaves them both alone and helpless. As an EFT therapist, I now use my knowledge (of the elements of emotion to open up James's response to is wife and access more primary emotions, using reflection, evocative questions, and small, spe- cific but brief interpretations. ‘TieRanst: So, James, can we stay here for a moment, please? You see the problem in terms of how "useless" you are and that you cannot please Sarah? (Glenods,) How do you feet as you say this? Jnses: Oh, {dont fel” anything. I think she has these standards, and always get filing grade here. (Fess to tke bas wit the fat of bis gt band) Trcrisr: That must be very hard, to see yourself a useless” to never feel that you can please your wife? (His focesofiesa ite) You feel that way aot. Can you remember a mament just recently when that was very present for you? [The therapist homes in an the moment when strong emotions arise and key negative iterations take place.) Jase: Yes, lastnight. | actually asked her how she was feling and she sid, ‘Well, it t90% you long enough to asx Why don't you just come and held me instead of sting over there asking me that question.“Tam wrongbefore leven start. “Traansr [locusing in on the inital appraisal that begins the process] So, you were ying to show concern? (Heads) But somehow the message you got was that you were already off base, on te path to failure, yes Tha is hard, de rmoralizing. How do you feel 35 you talk about this sight now? [The therapistEXTRAVAGANT EMOTION 269 asks questions to evoke the specific emotional response and increase emo: ‘ional engagement in the moment. JAMES. It makes me angry, actually. Whatever | do, she is going to sit there with her gavel and robe. | will hear that | have blowin it. (He offers the second: any reactive emotion of anger, which is what his wife usually sees.) “Thtnarist. So you make an attempt to reach out to your wife, You get the mes- sage that you are not doing right. You get mad, decide there is no point and then? (Links secondary emotional response to his actions inthe negative cy: ae) Javes | just give up. | went upstairs and played around on the comer, and ‘we didn't talk all evening. | guess you would cal it“withdrawing.” He cps bis anda if bis ketng someon fall.) “Thteapst. You get the message that you have "blown i," and you give up— and | notice that you open your hands as if letting something go. (Thai ‘ats bee tt conta tb leche! treat) Then what? You xo away and try to calm yoursel? Js. | just try to mumb out—distract myself, | guess “Tatranst: How does it fee! to say this right now: I get mac for moment but then | jst give up and numb out"? Something about the message that you have "Blow itis very hard to hear Jas: (i ery aft ice) Don't know, Tm just mad, you know. (Hesighs dep.) ‘Trtaans: (in 2 sof, low, evocative voice) You are feeling mad right now as ‘you say "I give up, numb out,” and you sigh and open your hands as if the re- Iationship were sipping through your fingers? (Herod ery sly.) How does your body fee! ight now as we talk about thisy (Therapist attempts to expand James's awareness oF emotion by focusing on body cues] Jase. | don't want to talk about this. I fel heavy, weak, kind of defeated. | alovays feel that way. fin used toi “Trenanst: And s that when this sense of being "useless" comes up—that you are useless? You can never please Sarah? There isa moment of anger, kind of protest, and Sarah sees this and plugs into i, but this is just for a moment “Then you fee! this heaviness, that you will always blow it, never get it night You say to yourself that you are useless—not good enovgh—a failure —yes? {Therapist moves into the cognitive meaning he makes of his emotional expe- Fience—hus model of self and other:] That must be very hard Sass. Ves. abit ely woe) | ger that Lam a big fat failure with her. And is like there is nowhere to turn, So I just hunker down and go inside mysel.270 The Heoling Power of Emotion Maybe that is what she means when she says that | shut her out, (He buns to ub sees with bis ands.) ‘Saaait Yes, And then we get into that terrible circle where I get meaner and push you more, and you move even further away. (Sarah links all this to their 1egative cycle, often the therapist makes this kind of connection.) ‘Titanist, What happens to you, James, when you say to yourself, “I can't please Sarah, Ym useless, a big fat failure’? | notice that you are stroking your face. Maybe that is soothing? Jaws: | don't want to cry. (He tars xp.) don't want to feeb this. | feel so small sort of ashamed of myself ‘Tratanist Yes. You go away to hide all the shame and the sadness that your feel when you hear that message, that you are somehow failing with Sarah Jats | think | have lost her already. And that is scary too ‘Treaanist: Yes, Can you tell her, James, can you turn and tell Sarah, "I reach ‘out and it doesnt work, and then you might see a flash of anger but inside I'm hurting—all this sadness, shame, fear of losing you—don't knaw what to do with that, so | numb out on your" Jawes: (He tus to Sarah and smiles) I's ke she said, (They laugb.) But no, se ‘cusly, im these times I ust hear that 'm useless —useless to you. And that i #0 bard, so scary. So I give up on usand I go away. Can you understand that? ‘Sasa: Yes, | understand . Taerapst: And how do you fee! about James as he say's this? ‘Sasav | feel closer to him. I respect that he is taking this risk. !don't want him to feel this bad tn this excerpt, the therapist, through her empathy-laden explorations/n terventions has (1) "éiscovered” with James his prirmary underlying emotions, (2) linked them to his steps inthe relationship dance, and (3) had him express these feelings in such as way as to expand this dance into a new kind of con nection with his partner, The therapist focused on the elements of emotion ‘outlined by Arnold (1960) to unpack James's emotional world and allow him to show new aspects of himself to his partner. If necessary, the partner i p- ported to connect with and not dismiss this new view of his or her lover, This ‘work allows forthe reframe that James does not move away out of rage or in- ference, but that he does so out ofa sense of hopelessness and helplessness. In this mapping out of emational experience andl responses, secondary ree tive emotions (Le, his anger and numbing) are contained and placed in aEXTRAVAGANT EMOTION, a larger context. New emotions-—his fear and helplessness—are accessed to set up new and more positive interactions, Key Change Events in Sessions In the best sessions of EFT ("best as assessed by he therapist and the couple), particular change events occur in the restructuring stage that are associated with stable recovery from distress (Bradley & Furrow, 2004). Successlul events are associated with therapists asking questions that evoke primary emotions — for example, “When your wife turns and says [whatever is the issue], what happens?! know you get angry, butin the second before you feel that anger?" — and heightening these emotions to create powerlul expressions of attachment needs. A new construction of key emotional experience leads to a new kind of connection with the partner. The first of these change events occurs when more withdrawn partners engage with tir primary nsotions and ase their needs an ‘way that connects them with their lover. (They too yearn for love and close ness.) The second and more dramatic of these is blamersofining. Previously blaming partners reach for their now more available lovers and ask for their attachment needs to be met from a position of vulnerability, that i, in 2 man ner that elicits caring from these ather partners. At these moments both part ners are accessible and responsive. In a sofening, blaming partners essentially ddo what secure partners can do when they are distressed —that i, they listen 10 their own attachment feelings and needs, express them congruently and coherently, ask for what they need, ake in and trust the offered comfort of the lther, and internalize a sense of felt security and safety in the relationship. In these sessions, the elements in the blaming partner's emotional experience are ordered and made into a coherent whole so that this person's attachment needs are clear [At the end af such an event, Sarah tells her James, "t get so desperate for you to respond to me that I ost try to bulldoze you Then { don't even see it ‘when you are trying to be there. m just s0 scared. | cant fel this alone all the time. You told me you wanted me ro step out of the judge's chair and give you a chance. | want to know that you won't leave me standing here all by mysel Hurting, It isso hard to ask you, but | want you to see my soltr side and hold ‘me. Can you hold me” “These events are turning points in a relationship. This is where the clear expression of newly formulated emotions pulls for new and more loving re: sponses from the other partner, The couple then have an expanded range of