Briefing

Dated: 21-04-2020
Subject
A typical mood swing that swings away my total mental balance and my will power to perform any specific
task, if my mind gets stuck on it.

History
It came to my notice with a solid effect from the month of ending September 2019. And as far as I remember,
it existed during my college days (from year 2014) as well, but with lesser intensity.

Frequency
At higher frequency, it happened 2 times a week. At lower frequency, it happened at least once every two
months. And from the month of September 2019, it might have happened about 10 to 12 times.

How it happens
It can happen at any instant of time, but 90% of times it happens like this, suppose if I want to perform the
simplest tasks, let’s say, taking a bath or brushing teeth or washing face or wearing any dress or anything.
Suddenly something happens to me and it feels like, as if I get clicked by this mood swing and my mind start
saying to me, “I can’t do it, please skip it” and this thought further makes me unable to perform that task
at all, no matter how easy or important or immediate it is. I just get stuck at it with no exits at all. And finally
I had to quit performing it, as it feels nearly impossible to perform and if stressed to perform anyhow only
adds to mental pain.

After Effects
1. The Ultra-Resistance
I feel unable to control the rising resistance for not doing that task at that moment, it feels like there is some
ultra-resistance avoiding me to perform the task. If I try to oppose this resistance and start to question
myself, “why I am unable to perform it? Why is it happening to me?” and further use my will power to give
my best efforts in order to perform that task by suppressing the resistance that is avoiding me, all goes to
vain first of all and even leads to disaster, I would say. It makes my condition worse and finally there begins
the downfall of my mental balance that too terribly and drastically leaving me demotivated and totally
hopeless.
 2. Suicidal Thoughts
And finally when in despair, there starts coming the suicidal thoughts. I start to think like, “Why I am even
alive? Why is this happening to me? How can I fulfill my dreams? How can I achieve my goals? Is this the
way I will improve? I am nothing, I deserve nothing” and much more. I go totally negative. But thank god for
one thing, I never tried to suicide actually. Just suicidal thoughts coming up at that phase, without any
attempts ever.

3. The Demotivation
Thereafter, I feel demotivated to do any task and desire to sleep. At maximum it stays up to 3 days on trot,
making me lazy and very lethargic, ultimately my productivity falls down totally to zero. And if I say, at
minimum it stays for at least 5 hours and that too happens only if I change my environment, like I visit office
(if I can) or where there is involvement of mental and physical efforts so that I get diverted. And changing
environment trick doesn’t happen every time, making me unable to divert its after effects whenever its
impact is intense, then unfortunately nothing helps out at all, and I had to go through total demotivation,
disturbed focus and kind of depression after that mood swing happens to me.

My Analysis: -

1. Sleep Mismanagement
I feel like my sleep mismanagement is affecting this also. I observed most of the times it happened more
likely whenever I slept late at night after 2 AM, not every time I would say because of it. Now I am taking
care of my sleep, I now always try to sleep as early as possible. And not every day I would say, but most of
the times, I wake up in the morning usually not so fresh and energized, even though I sleep well during night,
it more often looks like if I have not slept fully.
From Archive: - I just try to divert my mind after I am affected, but at times it works and sometimes not and
then ultimately I must sleep to overcome all this problem and every time sleeping is not possible and very
few times even after sleeping I don't get over it and it just stays for few days.

2. Nap gives relief

I also observed, when I fall prey to that miserable condition, most of the times naps and heavy sleeping
provides some immediate relief and rarely sometimes I recover too, if its effect is not so intense. And I am
still not able to figure out, what makes it more intense and less intense.

3. Meditation
Meditating is magical, I was meditating for 15 minutes daily morning. I noticed that it nearly avoided its
arrival. But, I was not able to maintain the routine, I still do it sometimes in meantime.
 4. Crying
While suffering during that condition, it feels like that if I want to cry but am unable to cry. I also observed
that whenever I cry during that phase, I feel relaxed, I would even say 40% of its effect decreases instantly.
But unfortunately that happens the least when I could actually cry. I remember there have been only two
times I cried, once mom was motivating me to get up and stop being lazy during that phase and when I found
myself unable to overcome it even after many efforts of maa and my own mental efforts, I became frustrated
and further in total despair and frustration for not being able to express myself to maa what exactly I was
going through that moment, I slapped myself so hard literally on my face and head to relieve that increasing
stress, actually for not being able to act. All those slap shots even led to a normal headache day long, it
happened on 8th feb 2020. Telling you sir, from that day I am trying to discuss it with you, but procrastinating
it and delaying it till date.

5. Procrastination
This is one of the serious concerns. I also consider the procrastination factor also playing a leading role apart
from sleeping issues, because someway or other I am actually procrastinating the stuff. I also remember that
procrastinating of tasks or thoughts, started happening to me after I stared taking LAMETAC medicine and
it just kept on increasing. But it was also this medicine helped me a lot that time to give me relief from that
condition of unconscious one earlier. Although I was not able to figure out things earlier. Fortunately, now
dots are getting connected. Would you believe me that I am trying to contact you from past 5 months to tell
you my problem and I just kept procrastinating till now. This is not a joke sir, I make things so complex myself,
I make small things look like mountain and find hard to climb, while they actually are not so much complex
in real. My life has become so miserable, I sometimes think about my intense procrastination habit that’s
been developed overtime, that I every time require motivation to perform most of the tasks. I can’t take
decisions effectively and immediately and this is costing me a lot literally, nowadays mostly in my
professional career. But I don’t want to be this like way anymore, I am struggling sir, I am suffering sir. Please
get me out of it. I beg to you sir. You are my last hope. Still I choose to stay positive as I am helpless, I will
fight, I will never quit, I believe I will win one day, I will shine.
From archive: - We met with a car accident, that moment when I visualized that the car window can get
damaged if the other person opened the window just that moment, but I didn't reacted immediately to stop
him from opening the window. And all because of that non reaction, the car window got hit by the truck and
got damage. And can you believe this? even after that thought coming to my mind insisting me to stop him
from opening the window, even after sensing the whole scenario, even after predicting the event that
happened exactly the way it happened, I didn't respond at all within those fraction of seconds, even after
sensing and just let that event happen. I procrastinated there as well and felt helpless and sorrow after the
event happened. And felt like as if, I was unable to anything. This is the level of my procrastination, I can’t
even prevent the danger.
From archive: - I delay and keep delaying every task. I procrastinate nearly everything.

6. Stress
Someone has said it right that everything happens for good, the matter getting delayed till date helped me
to reach to another conclusion after being in totally stress-free period, it attacks me more when I am in
stress. As I remember that during the subsequent months of October, I was quite in stress of not been able
to cope up with the office proceedings that mainly involved public dealing issues (I am very weak at). And
my backlog exams thereafter, I remember it affected me a lot during that time, much intensely. But from
past 1 month, I would say it didn’t happen at all as I am totally free of responsibility nowadays, and by the
grace of Almighty, still going good sir. That let me to the conclusion, that it affects me more when I am in
stress.

7. Indiscipline
Sometimes I feel I am not a disciplined guy maybe that’s why I am facing this, but I see many undisciplined
fellows around, but none of them goes through such things. Why me? why I had to maintain my sleep and
they can sleep early or late still no problem? Why I had to manage my writing stuff while suffering from
writer’s cramp, why me? Why did I go through that unconsciousness phase during early years? Why my life
is not so normal? Where is my fault? Tell me sir, I will improve, I know I am slow, but I am expected sir.
Please help me sir, please.

Some Other Unrelated factors, general issues and my current

psychology (as I don’t want to miss anything)

1. Jerks
There occur a lot of jerks in my legs during night sleep as my parents often said it to me. It happens at very
lesser rate during daytime also. I remember during the year 2016-17 I was also suffering from severe
restlessness in my legs. And I visited govt. hospital here, doctor treated me for what he said “restless leg
syndrome” and thank god it never happened again. But this jerking of legs is still happening and maa said it
is happening continuously from past 8 years.

2. Decision making
My decision making has been worse over times. I feel stressed whenever I had to take immediate decision
and I realized it recently and badly when I just joined my job 8 months ago, which actually is based on kind
of administration and requires efficient decision making, that I lacked way too much. I procrastinate even
the little of the matters.

3. Taking things negative

I nearly never take things positively. I usually start thinking about the event negatively first until the event
itself don't clarify that it is not worth to think negatively. Example, I told someone to call me back or some
similar stuff. And I think its very common, still said, as I don’t want to left anything. I am also trying to think
everything positively now from.

4. I forget a lot. Sometimes forgetting within no time. Just like a flash.

5. I am slow, way too slow on everything. (not a problem I consider)
6. My old values are controlling me 90% of times. I get driven by them and even after trying a lot I can't
act according to what my MIND says.
7. I do have the ticks problem that I would sometimes have to move my shoulder round.
8. I feel like a under confident guy, but from sometime I feel like I am improving.
9. I talk a lot over phone. Way too much. I am trying to improve and will. (procrastination again)
10. I always keep waiting for the right time and that right time never comes. (I will get over it as well)
11. I don’t want to be nice anymore now, I want to be gentle. (I am improving it now effectively, by
controlling my emotions well)
12. I also feel down sometimes very much and feel like I must consult a psychiatrist, do I ? Please suggest
any?
13. You know what my main problem is. I COULD NOT STAND FOR MYSELF.

Your kindness, giving your precious time to read this out. Please help me sir.
I am in trouble, get me out of it. You are my hope.