Diploma in Counselling Skills and Theory: Unit 4, Module 5

Course Code: LONDO2S 18EAST

Student: Mihaela Grecu
Word count: 2873

Essay Title: Nadim describes himself as a procrastinator which of late is really affecting his
personal and professional life. He says he is ‘out of sorts’ with everything. How may the
counselling process itself help Nadim to address his self defeating behaviours?

The purpose of this current paper is to reflect on the concept of self defeating behaviours and the

implications they have in an individual’s life. We will be looking at defining the nature and origins of

SDB, their functions and what perpetuates such behaviours in one’s life. The destructive character of

SDB will be analysed aiming at showing how the counselling process can enable one to address such

behaviours and move towards healthier attitudes and coping strategies. More specifically we will

discuss what therapeutic techniques we would employ if we were to address Nadim’s self defeating

behaviour of procrastination and how we as counsellors can assist and support him in reaching his

potential in a healthy and constructive manner.

Self defeating behaviours are a range of behaviours or attitude led behaviours that manifest as

coping strategies an individual employs in situations which may appear as threatening, exposing

them to risk of vulnerability or hurt. These coping strategies may have served a valid function at one

moment in time; achieving their purpose of reduction of tension and keeping the person employing

them away from perceived ‘danger’ , however when compared to other possible choices of action in

that particular situation it is not the most beneficial, healthy choice but rather counterproductive

and destructive to the individual. These choices are learned reactions stored in one’s subconscious

mind, they have been tried and tested in given situations across a person’s life, and are so deeply

rooted that at first glance they may seem as part of a person’s individuality, their makeup and

personality which makes one feel that changing them would be close to impossible or yet risking

such a change will be too frightening. When resorting to a SDB an individual aims at avoiding certain

consequences however a catch 22 situation emerges as by its very nature the SDB will in fact serve

to ensure the very consequence one is trying to avoid will come to pass. One may need to defend

oneself from fear, shame or anger as these feelings are difficult to look at and by employing a SDB

Page 1 of 10
Diploma in Counselling Skills and Theory: Unit 4, Module 5
Course Code: LONDO2S 18EAST
Student: Mihaela Grecu
Word count: 2873

Essay Title: Nadim describes himself as a procrastinator which of late is really affecting his
personal and professional life. He says he is ‘out of sorts’ with everything. How may the
counselling process itself help Nadim to address his self defeating behaviours?

attempt to cover up these feelings but eventually the behaviour itself ends up generating even more

fear, shame or anger.

There are many self defeating behaviours an individual may fall back on and these can be

categorised as external where one abuses potentially damaging substances such as alcohol, drugs,

tobacco , stimulants etc.; when they engage in compulsive ritualistic behaviours ,or physiologically a

SDB may manifest as a sexual dysfunction. Internally a SDB may take the form of unbalanced

attitudes such as depression - self defeat at its most effective, defensiveness, worrying, hostility,

suspiciousness, perfectionism, shyness, isolating, lack of confidence, escapism, denial,

procrastination - avoidance at its best, to name a few.

As mentioned before SDB are learned coping strategies and a person may have picked up any of the

above strategies from parents or peers where one may have observed the latter employing such

behaviours in a given circumstance and they become more likely to deal with the situation in the

same way.

The question here is what makes one need to resort to such behaviours in the first place? In order to

answer this question a discussion about the mind is necessary.

The mind’s purpose is to keep one alive, content and relatively risk and tension free and it does that

by collecting and recognising messages both from within an individual and from the outside world in

order to decide what action is necessary in order to meet its directions. Initially a choice of action is

made by the conscious mind, recognised as a valid strategy to utilise in a situation, one that is tested

either by oneself or learned from a trusted external object, one’s parents or peers. It then

assimilates and recognises triggers from the outside world and adds experiences to one’s database

Page 2 of 10
Diploma in Counselling Skills and Theory: Unit 4, Module 5
Course Code: LONDO2S 18EAST
Student: Mihaela Grecu
Word count: 2873

Essay Title: Nadim describes himself as a procrastinator which of late is really affecting his
personal and professional life. He says he is ‘out of sorts’ with everything. How may the
counselling process itself help Nadim to address his self defeating behaviours?

which is saved in the subconscious, a part of our mind which stores things that are perceived to be

true and tested but that could possibly be a distorted application from an external source. Things

that are experienced and learned from, once stored in the subconscious are accessed but not

consciously. In order to cope with the multitude of choices one has to make on a daily basis, the

conscious mind will delegate lower and learned decisions to the subconscious mind using tried and

tested coping strategies which may be both constructive and destructive.

To illustrate this dynamic one can think of a child visiting a relative’s home and upon seeing their dog

they immediately run towards the animal with the intention to cuddle it as the child has learned it is

a safe thing to do since their family also own a dog which is very welcoming to the child’s affections.

The dog actually bites the child challenging the latter’s subconsciously held belief that dogs are

friendly. As the child undertakes tetanus jabs to prevent infection he/she experiences further pain in

addition to the actual dog bite and a new slot is filled in the subconscious that has recorded that

dogs are dangerous and cuddling them may lead to extreme pain. Things can go multiple ways

following this occurrence where the child may have developed new coping strategies of avoiding this

particular relative’s dog or alternatively asking someone if a dog is fond of cuddles before petting

them, but it can also lead to a self defeating behaviour of fear and avoidance of all dogs where the

child is denied the affection of the animal they used to love.

A more technical description of the process will be: An apparent external threat will trigger the

system; consequently system will need instant tension reduction action; the chosen action will

reduce tension instantly; conscious mind will share the action chosen as a coping strategy with the

subconscious who will store it for future reference. Therefore the chosen action/behaviour, which

may also seem like an attitude, acts as a reward where in a system that works holistically both

Page 3 of 10
Diploma in Counselling Skills and Theory: Unit 4, Module 5
Course Code: LONDO2S 18EAST
Student: Mihaela Grecu
Word count: 2873

Essay Title: Nadim describes himself as a procrastinator which of late is really affecting his
personal and professional life. He says he is ‘out of sorts’ with everything. How may the
counselling process itself help Nadim to address his self defeating behaviours?

psychological and physiological tension are reduced, the behaviour becoming thus deeply rooted in

what appears to be one’s individuality and furthermore it will continue even when it is harmful and

essentially detrimental to a person’s ultimate contentment. One may see why it is hard to eliminate

such behaviours which may seem an inherent part of one self and changing them would mean

changing ones’ personality. Nonetheless some people will identify the fact that they have a problem

that need to be addressed and in therapy they may encounter difficulties upon understanding that in

order to change their lives for the better they need to change the way they react to certain

situations. Others would find a way to be comfortable with the consequences of their self

destructive behaviours and disregard the negative effects these have in their lives resorting to what

is essentially a self defeating behaviour in itself, i.e. minimising the effects of their previous

destructive behaviours. Minimising can be ‘achieved’ in many ways and some of the most common

of these behaviours are: The Ostrich Syndrome: when one cannot cope with the situation they go

into hiding and ignore the state of things; one makes use of jokes and trivializes a situation; self –

anaesthesia or desensitisation where one numbs the pain choosing not to feel anything at all

commonly by using alcohol or drugs; keeping permanently busy; blaming others and not taking

responsibility for own behaviours; Martyrdom or playing the victim when one indulges in suffering;

Defeatism or Nihilism where one adopts the belief that there is no point anyway.

People minimise and deny the effects of SDB, ‘choosing’ to lie to themselves instead and making up

excuses as to why they sustain these behaviours and the reason for this maintenance cycle is more

often than not the fear of change. Even though their subconscious desire is to be healthy, happy and

reach their full potential, when a person challenges a SDB that will eventually lead to a change in

their lives, and behind that change lurks the danger of failure and maybe even success.

Page 4 of 10
Diploma in Counselling Skills and Theory: Unit 4, Module 5
Course Code: LONDO2S 18EAST
Student: Mihaela Grecu
Word count: 2873

Essay Title: Nadim describes himself as a procrastinator which of late is really affecting his
personal and professional life. He says he is ‘out of sorts’ with everything. How may the
counselling process itself help Nadim to address his self defeating behaviours?

Because of various external pressures, such as one’s family or society, people will tend to paralyse

themselves into not taking risks and end up hiding behind a wall of low self esteem, avoidance or self

deceit . Breaking this wall would involve taking a risk, and as they cannot cope with the pressure the

external force seems to put on them, they end up holding back and sabotaging their success by

ensuring failure. This is based on the premise that it is easier for an individual to deceive themselves,

maybe even claiming that they have control of the situation and they are choosing to fail, rather

than risking genuine failure inflicted on them by aggressive external sources. The fear of success is

based on the same mechanism as fear of failure where a person is responding to external pressures

in such a way that regardless of how much they succeed along the way failure is imminent in an

uncertain world and there is no point in succeeding anyways as that will place them in a position

that will attract failure.

Although a person might not consciously be aware of all these dynamics in perpetuating their self

defeating behaviours, deep down there is an understanding that something is wrong and a

recognition that they can act and behave in a more productive, healthy and beneficial way.

A therapist can assist a client who embarks on a journey from self- defeat to self- empowerment

firstly by making them aware that along the way there will be periods of discomfort and that change

will involve dealing with a great deal of tension and secondly by guiding them to take full

responsibility for their attitudes and actions. It is imperative that a client – led way of working is

established and the empathetic therapist allows the client sufficient time to gauge challenges and

address their self-defeating behaviours encouraging them all the way to embrace the power they

have to change in order to move into a future where they practice self – empowering behaviours

with the purpose of replacing the previous self defeating ones.

Page 5 of 10
Diploma in Counselling Skills and Theory: Unit 4, Module 5
Course Code: LONDO2S 18EAST
Student: Mihaela Grecu
Word count: 2873

Essay Title: Nadim describes himself as a procrastinator which of late is really affecting his
personal and professional life. He says he is ‘out of sorts’ with everything. How may the
counselling process itself help Nadim to address his self defeating behaviours?

The therapist can make use of Socratic questioning and guided discovery to enable the client to

identify the SDB they are employing, to see what the negative consequences of these behaviours are

and establish ways to reconstruct and transform these thinking and behavioural patterns. It is also

very helpful to assist the client to identify the fear behind these behaviours and discover the

assumptions the latter has about the consequences of behaviour change in relation to how they see

themselves and others.

Many theoreticians within various Psychological Schools of Thought have developed different

ways of assisting clients to deal and change their SDB and in order to paint a comprehensive picture

of what these techniques are we will look at Nadim’s self defeating behaviour of procrastination and

how each different approach can assist him in his journey to betterment.

By utilising guided discovery and Socratic questioning in the first two sessions the therapist has

discovered that Nadim is using procrastination as a means of coping with the anxiety that the fear of

failure would generate. Nadim has been working as a financial advisor in his current company for

over a decade and as of lately been contemplating to start his own firm as over time he has

developed the skills and a pool of clients that will happily continue to work with him independently.

However Nadim has found himself avoiding having to make a final decision as to whether he should

leave his present position and also has been falling behind with work in his current company and

spending time watching YouTube videos during working hours. His recent behaviour is causing

Nadim to feel ‘out of sorts’ and for this reason he has decided to ask a therapist for help.

Behaviourists believe that all behaviour is learned and the purpose of therapy is to extinguish old

behaviours and condition new ones. In order to accomplish this feat a behavioural therapist can

Page 6 of 10
Diploma in Counselling Skills and Theory: Unit 4, Module 5
Course Code: LONDO2S 18EAST
Student: Mihaela Grecu
Word count: 2873

Essay Title: Nadim describes himself as a procrastinator which of late is really affecting his
personal and professional life. He says he is ‘out of sorts’ with everything. How may the
counselling process itself help Nadim to address his self defeating behaviours?

make use of various classical conditioning techniques, as for example systematic desensitisation.

Starting from the premise that an individual cannot feel two opposing states at one time, the

therapist would coach Nadim in relaxation techniques such as breathing exercises or meditation

encouraging him to remain relaxed whilst imagining himself in a frightening situation. This process

of systematic desensitisation involves teaching the client to replace the feelings of anxiety with

relaxation. Next the therapist and Nadim work together to construct what is called an anxiety

hierarchy. An anxiety hierarchy is a rank-ordered list of what the client fears, starting with the

least frightening and ending with the most frightening. In Nadim’s case he may start with

imagining telling his line manager that he is leaving the company. When Nadim can accomplish

this task without feeling fear, the therapist will ask him to imagine the second step on the

anxiety hierarchy, for example being unemployed for a period of time before setting up own

firm. He will continue to climb up the hierarchy until he feels anxious. As soon as he experiences

anxiety, the therapist will tell him to take a step back down on the hierarchy until he feels calm

again. This process will continue throughout Nadim’s sessions with the therapist until he feels

no anxiety, even when reaching the top of the hierarchy. This process is effective because

learning through classical conditioning is strengthened by repeated pairings, thus the more

times relaxation is paired with the feared stimuli, the stronger the relaxation response becomes.

Another method the behaviourist therapist can use to help Nadim overcome his fear of failure

that uses classical conditioning is called flooding and unlike the gradual process of systematic

desensitization, flooding involves having the client imagine the most frightening scenario first.

Page 7 of 10
Diploma in Counselling Skills and Theory: Unit 4, Module 5
Course Code: LONDO2S 18EAST
Student: Mihaela Grecu
Word count: 2873

Essay Title: Nadim describes himself as a procrastinator which of late is really affecting his
personal and professional life. He says he is ‘out of sorts’ with everything. How may the
counselling process itself help Nadim to address his self defeating behaviours?

This technique produces tremendous anxiety however the idea is that if Nadim faces his fears

and does not back down, he will soon realize that they are, in fact, irrational.

Cognitive therapy has a reputation for being a therapy working mainly at the level of the

rational mind: enabling clients to think more rationally about themselves and their difficulties,

and thereby to feel and behave differently” (D. Sanders & F Wills, 2003, p. 38).

A cognitive therapist would assist Nadim to address three levels of meaning: the thought level

and how specific thoughts and images are connected to particular situations and triggers; the

level of core beliefs and an underlying schema about himself, the world and the people around

him, and the level of assumptions aiming at painting a picture of Nadim’s general rules and

conditional beliefs which determine his responses to the world.

When working with cognitions the key premise is to identify the client’s anxious predictions, test

them and then support the client to develop new, helpful non- anxious appraisals.

As Nadim is anxious about failing at establishing his own firm, the therapist would question the

likelihood of such failure happening and the impact that would result. The latter’s goal is to

show Nadim that not only is his failure an unlikely occurrence but that, even if it did occur, it

would not be such a big deal as there are other employment opportunities available.

Core beliefs are learned early in life and tend to be absolute, unconditional statements about

the self, others and the world. Nadim may have learned early in life that “The world is a

dangerous, uncertain place”, “I am not worthy”, “I need others to guide my actions”; “I always

fail” and simply challenging these beliefs can be very beneficial and enable him to change.

Page 8 of 10
Diploma in Counselling Skills and Theory: Unit 4, Module 5
Course Code: LONDO2S 18EAST
Student: Mihaela Grecu
Word count: 2873

Essay Title: Nadim describes himself as a procrastinator which of late is really affecting his
personal and professional life. He says he is ‘out of sorts’ with everything. How may the
counselling process itself help Nadim to address his self defeating behaviours?

Assumptions are sets of rules and beliefs that one learns early in life in order to structure and

lead one’s life. “Belief is nothing but a state, an internal representation that governs behaviour.

It can be an empowering belief in possibility – a belief that we will succeed in something or

achieve something else. It can be a disempowering belief- a belief that we can’t succeed, that

our limitations are clear, intractable, and overwhelming. If you believe in success, you’ll be

empowered to achieve it. If you believe in failure, those messages will tend to lead you to

experience that as well. Whether you say you can do something or you say you can’t you’re

right”(A. Robbins, 1986,p.57).

The therapist can assist Nadim to look at his assumptions as an ideal or preference rather than

an absolute necessity aiming at encouraging him to test his assumptions empirically and find out

their relative helpfulness or unhelpfulness.

A psychoanalyst would see Nadim’s tendency for procrastination as a defence mechanism

defending him from the pain and anxiety that failure might bring about. The analyst will aim at

understanding Nadim’s exact strategy for avoidance, be it internal manifesting through thoughts

and feelings or external through behaviours, identifying the core pain or anxiety making

interpretations and reflecting these back to Nadim.

In conclusion self defeating behaviours can be debilitating for an individual, affecting many

aspects of their life and obstructing their path to self actualisation, however by understanding

their dynamics and with appropriate support from a therapist a person can move towards

reaching their full potential.

Page 9 of 10
Diploma in Counselling Skills and Theory: Unit 4, Module 5
Course Code: LONDO2S 18EAST
Student: Mihaela Grecu
Word count: 2873

Essay Title: Nadim describes himself as a procrastinator which of late is really affecting his
personal and professional life. He says he is ‘out of sorts’ with everything. How may the
counselling process itself help Nadim to address his self defeating behaviours?

Bibliography

McEntaffer R. & Weseley A. (2012) Baron’s AP Psychology, New York: Hauppauge

Reeves A. (2018) An Introduction to Counselling and Psychotherapy, London: Sage

Robbins A. (2001) Unlimited Power, London: Pocket Books

Sanders D. & Willis F. ( 2003) Counselling for Anxiety Problems, London: Sage

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