Table of Contents

Preface ..................................................................................................................................................... 3
Prologue ................................................................................................................................................... 5
Disillusioned ......................................................................................................................................... 21
Thinking ................................................................................................................................................ 33
Communication .................................................................................................................................... 52
Following ............................................................................................................................................... 63
Core Values ........................................................................................................................................... 82
Identity .................................................................................................................................................. 89
Fear ...................................................................................................................................................... 101
Value Systems ..................................................................................................................................... 116
The Supernatural Mindset ................................................................................................................ 125
The 5 Steps .......................................................................................................................................... 130
WHY ..................................................................................................................................................... 141
Energy .................................................................................................................................................. 155
Resources ............................................................................................................................................ 185
Hate ...................................................................................................................................................... 217
Lust....................................................................................................................................................... 264
Love ...................................................................................................................................................... 297
Attraction............................................................................................................................................. 337
The International Ultimatum ........................................................................................................... 371
The International Ultimatum Follow-Up ....................................................................................... 406
Hits ....................................................................................................................................................... 427
Honorary Mentions............................................................................................................................ 440
Epilogue ............................................................................................................................................... 451
Postface ................................................................................................................................................ 465
 Preface
She has voice yet cannot be heard.

She has appearance yet cannot be seen.

She has thought yet cannot be comprehended.

She is the essence of fear.

She is Sharon, the person I truly am inside, which nobody in this external world seems to able to
recognize, respect, or generally deal with properly. She's the reason that I'm alive today, against all
odds, in a high-functioning state with no addictions and no mental illness, in what I consider a
miracle in many respects, given what I've had to go through and still continue to go through to this
day.

Writing and releasing this book is Her final attempt to restore Her faith in humanity and give the
world a chance to save itself from the ignorance, arrogance, and corruption that plagues it and will
eventually cause its demise regardless. If She is not received with the appropriate grace, She will
ensure to speed up the process of destroying the world that it would undoubtedly be heading
towards in its current state.

This book is in loving memory of Kimi Park, who She hopes isn't going to have to be the first to
slowly have everything in her life that brings her any meaning and happiness stripped away from her
and end up dying a slow, painful, and brutal death when the end of the world begins.

Reading this book will change your life upon fully reading and understanding it, if you're ready. Are
you ready? Probably not.

Before starting, it's worth mentioning that the title is in a sense a tentative outcome and not
absolutely certain; there is a single specific set of conditions under which She'll be making the world
a much better place as opposed to destroying it, however this set of conditions being met doesn't
seem very likely, so She's assuming the worst.

She finds it unhealthy to expect anything but the worst, but cannot find it in Herself not to hope for
the best. She's reached a very conflicted state to have decided that writing this book is necessary,
but it is so. She finds it unhealthy also to not hope at all, at least while there's still even the slightest
bit of hope left.

As you read this book, keep in mind that there are two kinds of crazy people in this world.

Delusional people don't know they're delusional.

Unbreakable people know they're unbreakable.

Let there be truth.

 Prologue
Let's start right off the bat by addressing the elephant in the room. You saw the title and most likely
the first thought that came to your mind was "Is this a joke? Or is this person seriously delusional
enough that they actually think they can end the world?"

Writing this book was far from the first time that I've threatened to end the world and you're far from
the first person to give me that kind of attitude. Well, it's understandable I suppose; it's not every day
that you encounter the ruler of the planet.

You wanna know my response to your thoughts?

Consider this, who's the one who wrote the book and who's the one who's attempting to trivially
dismiss its significance before they even read the first page of it?

You're most likely a "normal" person who lives a "normal" life. Either that, or you're a psychopath
criminal that might be a serial killer or part of a gang. Whoever you are, I already know from your
highly reactive and dismissive thought process that you're not an individual with refined pure
bidirectional apprehension as your core value. I already know that there's a considerable chance
your core value isn't even a bidirectional apprehension variant. I know you're probably just like most
other people.

As a result, I already know you're most likely considerably delusional and driven by active ego.
Perhaps not so much so that it's to the detriment of your capability to generally function sufficiently
within society (although it might be), but then again, that's how most people are. Naturally, my
greatness triggers a combination of your active ego and your delusions. The end result is you see a
god as a nutcase.

I already know it's highly unlikely you're a member of the Shadow Confederation, or if you are, you're
not a high ranking member and certainly not a Permanent Chief like me. I know you're probably so
delusional and ignorant that you entirely deny or trivially dismiss the existence of the Shadow
Confederation and its significance in this world, precisely as the vast majority of its members desire.

I know you're probably considerably sheltered from the true depths of hell that this planet has to
offer. You're probably either extremely pathetic and weak-willed, a considerably arrogant and
pretentious individual that simply suppresses fully expressing themselves honestly in society
because you recognize what's socially acceptable and that being a massive douchebag tends not to
be received all that nicely by most people, or a conditional combination of both, simply restraining
yourself from showing your true colors depending on the situation.

This describes most people in today's society.

For a long time in my life, right up until I decided to start writing this book, I thought the line between
extremely depressed, anxious, and suicidal, and being an extremely capable intellectual was
indistinguishable. I knew I had a lot of knowledge and potential, but I had immense trouble getting
noticed, respected, and appreciated. I found that I felt I was caring way too much but didn't know
what else to do; I felt very lost and frustrated.

I never thought I'd end up writing a book, much less one as savage as this, but this isn't something I
wanted to do, this is something I needed to do. With the completion and release of this book, I find
myself feeling freed of this feeling of excessive caring and instead feel competent, prepared, and
ready to take action to the fullest extent in the direction that I end up discovering must be taken.
There will no longer be any hesitation nor second-guessing.

This is the first book I've ever written and it'll be the only one I ever write. No sequels, no second
chances, and no mercy. I'm opening myself up to the world and this is the final opportunity it will ever
have to care.

Consider yourselves warned.

Existence

It can really be a strange thing sometimes, this life thing. You know, living. Breathing. Existing.

If you're blessed (or cursed) enough to be one of the dominant, adaptive, cognitive beings on this
planet, as you must be if you're reading this, then you also have the capacity for complex thought.

Now, whether you truly use that for anything beyond pretty much just surviving and perhaps trying to
make yourself feel good is a whole different matter; in today's world, if you're like most people, you
probably don't. Maybe you tell yourself you do to make yourself feel better, but you really don't.
Maybe you even admit to yourself that you don't, but don't do anything about it. Either way, you're
pathetic.

We've barely gotten started and I'm already bitch slapping you in the face like that, huh? Well, you'd
better get used to it if you're like most people, because there's a whole lot about this world that the
average person doesn't have the drive to find out on their own. Drowning in consumerism, gossip,
drama, and ignorance tends not to facilitate a very powerful mindset.

We live in a very strange time. The world is changing very quickly and people can't decide if they
want to slow down or speed up. We have so many different drugs that do so many different things
and so many ways to use them. We have so many distractions around us constantly that being
distracted itself is the drug of choice for most people.

We have young children getting hooked to social media at an early age and it consumes much of
even the younger adult population. Despite all humanity's great achievements and civilization's great
progress, we still have multiple third world countries that struggle to keep up. We still have kids dying
in Africa every day to the point it's pretty much a meme.

There are so many things going on that I can't possibly cover literally everything in the world in this
book, nor was that ever within the scope of it, but I have useful insights to share and a story to tell,
so buckle up, because it's going to be pretty wild.

You're reading a book written by the most refined savage to ever exist after all.
Learning

What I will say before we begin is that for all that I teach in this book, I need to maintain the integrity
of philopsychology, because otherwise, we're going to start seeing a lot more people walking around
thinking they're a god than we already do. I suppose that's one way I could go about trying to single-
handedly destroy the world, but that's more like single-handedly ruining society more than destroying
the world; it's also definitely not the approach I'm going for.

I want it to be very clear to whoever reads this book that although I'm sharing a lot of things I know
and a lot of details about my experiences and my life, reading about it still gives you nowhere near
the kind of experience that actually going through it all and figuring it all out yourself gives you.
Reading this book and interpreting it will certainly sharpen your mental facilities with any decent
effort, but it'll never single-handedly put you in nearly as powerful of a position as I'm in; that's a very
significant reason that I don't have any hesitation to share so much with the world.

Considering that I'm clearly the first individual to ever exist which has become so thoroughly a
master at philopsychology and become capable of writing such a book, making the assertion I am
about being able to single-handedly destroy the world while truly having the objectively quantifiable
capability to actually do so, I find it quite certain that nobody who will ever exist can ever surpass the
extent of power that I possess. It's for the best as well, because it takes a great amount of self-
control and discipline in order to handle being in such a powerful position with the appropriate
amount of responsibility.

While it may seem like I'm being immature and irresponsible in writing this book to so many people,
the truth is that line of thinking is actually massive projection; the vast majority of other people,
especially the ones inclined to think I'm being immature and irresponsible in writing this book, would
likely act with much less restraint and forethought than I am if they were suddenly just handed the
kind of knowledge and power that I have.

Remember, I'm the one that wrote this book, entirely by myself, in only a little over three months.
You're the one simply reading it. You should feel fortunate for being blessed with this knowledge,
grateful for this experience, and have great respect and appreciation for the fact that I'm choosing to
write this book and give the world a chance to become a better place instead of simply giving up on
life after so many people and experiences have so heavily and relentlessly pushed me to do so and
continue to do so even as I write this book.

Many people have told me to give up and I would've if I was anything like them. You're probably the
kind of person that would have told me to give up, simply statistically speaking. It took an immense
amount of intellectual and emotional facilities to go through everything I did and end up the way I did,
and even more immense facilities in order to have the patience and willpower to write this book and
remain hopeful for a positive outcome against all odds. An individual without a core value of refined
pure bidirectional apprehension could never even dream of writing this book.

You must understand that reading this book and thinking your core value has become refined pure
bidirectional apprehension is like watching House and thinking you're a doctor with a degree in
medicine as capable as Greg because of it. It's like watching Lie To Me and thinking you're as good
at reading microexpressions as Cal became from years of research. It's like reading a book written
by a god and thinking you're now a god yourself.

Wait, the last one doesn't sound like a comparison to me.

I want to make it completely clear right from the start that destroying the world isn't something I've
always wanted to do. In fact, its always been what I've been trying my hardest throughout my entire
life to avoid. I was actually filled with so much hope and love, once upon a time ago. Even despite
the hell my life constantly was putting me through, I seemed to somehow always find the inner
strength to remain positive and constructive.

I did it all because I had a vision. I wanted to find the person I hoped existed, the person that would
make everything worth it. When I found that person but it was constantly a struggle with them, slowly
my hope declined, and as I write this book I'm only barely able to hold onto any hope at all. With the
kinds of struggles and difficulties I've had to go through, it should be considered a miracle I've even
managed to remain positive and constructive until I ended up deciding to write this book.

It's beyond a miracle that I have even the slightest bit of hope left. I don't even know what you can
call that.

I've reached my absolute limit now, and as it's starting to seem that the one thing that made me feel
like it would all be worth it is slipping from my hands, on top of the fact that I was never really sure if
it was in my hands to begin with, this is quite simply the last straw. My patience has run thin and my
empathy is low. Either I'm right about this person and this world isn't an extremely dark and
miserable place that deserves to be destroyed, or I'm wrong and it is. It's that simple for me now.

You can't try to rationalize nor manipulate me out of a stance that results from an immense
combination of both my rational thinking combined with my emotional state and reflection on past
experiences. You can try to use all the fancy words or manipulation tactics you'd like, but try to stop
and think about it seriously for a moment; perhaps it's not going to be easy for you.

Despite my hardest efforts to be loving, because of how brutally cruel the world has been to me
throughout my life and continues to be even now, I have enough hatred for the world to literally write
a book about why I'm going to destroy it all. I know the difference between optimism and naive
foolishness, and it's reached the point that not writing this book with every intent to follow through
has become completely clear to me is no longer optimism but rather naive foolishness. I'm neither
ignorant nor stupid and have absolutely zero desire to live my life as such.

Do you have enough love for the world to write a book with actual substance about why I shouldn't
destroy everything? I don't think so. Further, even if you think you do now, I really wonder what your
position will be after you're done reading this whole book, assuming you even have the patience and
mental resilience to do so.

I already know that if you're reasonably intelligent, your position will change.
Destruction

I'm going to go ahead and address a common misunderstanding right now.

You may be inclined to think that when I say I'll destroy everything, it means I'll kill everyone else but
choose to live a long existence on this planet alone afterwards. I'm not sure at what point you were
left under the impression I wanted to destroy everyone except myself. After I've ensured I've killed
everyone on the planet and destroyed everything, I'm going to kill myself. It's an endeavor that's
diving head first into suicide.

I'm not doing this because I think I'd be better off alone in this world; if that was the case, I'd be
content simply living in isolation in the middle of a forest or in some mountains somewhere.

I'm doing this because my ability at pattern recognition isn't very bad at all and I've had enough of
the pattern I've been experiencing. If I'm wrong about someone I consider close to me yet again,
particularly in this case so severely wrong about the person that was the whole reason I kept trying
in life in the first place, I have absolutely zero good reason to believe this pattern is ever going to
change.

I've already decided that I'm completely giving up on humanity in that case.

Even in the case where I was someone with considerably terrible pattern recognition, it would
become abundantly clear to me that anyone significant in my life has always either been extremely
indifferent to me or straight up wants me dead/to kill myself, but they're all just too fake and
pretentious to admit it. As a result, the extension of that pattern is that I'm left with only the very
reasonable assumption that any new person who were to become significant in my life would also
end up establishing that position towards me and leaving me hurt and alone once again, so I'm
giving all the people that already know me and all the people that would otherwise know me and end
up establishing the same position towards me what they want.

Just not without showing them that I deserved a lot better than they ever gave or would give me first.

Basically, this is happening because I have the self-respect not to live my life accepting simply being
a disposable tool for every person that ever becomes a significant part of my life, but also a lack of
fundamental disgust for humanity, due to a lack of disgust with myself, because I know I'm a good
person in my heart. Otherwise, I'd be driven to simply be a very selfish psychopath criminal with my
knowledge, choosing not to write nor release this book, simply go into isolation to meditate, then
stealthily abuse my abilities for personal gain and simply have my way with people in a world I
choose not to destroy but rather manipulate and dictate from the shadows.

Do you think other chiefs don't know why they act the way they do?
I cannot find it acceptable for myself to become such a degenerate nor will I ever. This world is
currently an extremely fucked up place that's surely going to end up destroying itself soon regardless
and I'm not going to sit around waiting for it to happen when I have all this sadness and anger inside.
This was never up for debate. Thanks for playing.

Let me attempt to put this in more simple terms that may allow you to understand my perspective
better, since you probably still have extreme difficulty grasping the concept that a person who's
threatening to destroy the world and is powerful enough to actually be able to do it is actually a good
person in their heart but also has had enough of the world's bullshit.

Are your parents divorced? Were they both severely abusive to you throughout your entire
childhood, teen, and early adult years until you finally got fed up and cut them out as soon as you
could and finally were able to realize was the only healthy thing to do? Have you encountered
several near-death experiences? Have you been either neglected and eventually abandoned or
backstabbed and/or otherwise hurt badly by every person you ever thought you were close to? Do
you currently have no friends to rely on or even simply have a relaxed conversation with and no
family you haven't cut out long ago and wish bad will upon because of how terrible they were to you?
Have you even experienced being homeless before?

Perhaps.

Do you possess the ability to single-handedly end the world within a couple years at any time you
please, have the option to instead abuse such power to become a massive untouchable degenerate
criminal focused purely on personal gain, find becoming a selfish degenerate so reprehensible you'd
rather destroy the world out of sadness and anger than live a life being brutally heartless and happily
forcefully imposing respect and obedience on everyone around you, yet nobody actually respects
you for it and further most laugh at you and call you delusional for suggesting you're so powerful?

Can you even imagine how it feels like to have to endure this on top of all of those other things,
constantly trying your best to be the best person you can be, and constantly being crushed even
harder for it instead of it being at all rewarding?

No. You can't. At all.

I'm willing to bet I come from a whole different world than you.

Now you might be wondering what I think if you were to tell me that me intending to destroy the
world, along with actually having the capability and drive to do it, makes you want to kill me.

You wouldn't be the first. Get in line. I'm not scared.

Some have argued with me against it from a more rational position on principal. The principal that
life is a value driven system, perspectives add value, so perspectives should be preserved; that
killing anyone, especially every person on the planet, destroys perspective and goes against nature,
so it certainly can't be the right course of action no matter how upset life's made me.

Well, being so crushed by others that I kill myself because I've given my all into everything I've done
for so many years and gotten nothing I consider truly valuable in return effectively destroys my
perspective, does it not? I'm not going to ever be under the impression that all the fuckers that hurt
me in my life cared about akratic biases, so I'm not very inclined to do so either past a certain point.
Foundation

You may then want to try hitting me with the old "Why would you think anyone likes you knowing that
you're going to do murder suicide? Nobody's going to fucking fall in love with you or want to be with
you."

It's tentative, drastically more far-reaching than towards a single individual, and under very specific
circumstances. The situation is such that if this is an issue for her, she wasn't ever going to love me
anyways and probably never did, so it's not like I'm losing out on something if I never had it to begin
with. Assuming I'd fall in love with a complete moron or take this action without considerable warning
and transparency? Quite foolish.

It's okay, at least you can take comfort in knowing that there are many others as slow as you.

You'd be doing exactly the same thing if you were me. If you think for one moment you wouldn't,
you're lying to yourself. I know it must be hard for you, but try to take it easy on the pretentiousness.
It's bleeding through your pores, through the pages of this book, and into my soul. Yes, it's that
fucking bad.

The contents of the chapters in this book all fall into one of three major categories. The first
effectively functions as a dissertation on the field of philopsychology, of which I'm the world's leading
expert in. The second effectively functions as an autobiography, something you might be interested
in after realizing how scary I really am. The third outlines in detail precisely the reasons I've chosen
to write this book and share this much information about the otherwise highly guarded secrets of the
depths of reality, along with so many intimate details about me and my life, without caring at all for
the consequences.

You may read some of the things I'm saying and think I'm a cocky prick. In fact, you probably already
do.

I have two words for you: Identity projection. Also known as psychological projection or simply
projection.

Psychological projection is a defence mechanism in which the human ego

defends itself against unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and
negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to
others.

Do you think I talk like this normally? Do you think I flaunt my credentials to every person I meet? Do
you think I'll be grumpy and mean even if you're good to me?
I'm writing a book trying to show you that you're ignorant, careless, and disrespectful. I'm not going
to fucking pat you on the back and use kind words. I just know when I need to keep things real; if
that's too much for you to handle, stop reading and go back to choking on the Shadow
Confederation's massive monster cock that it's constantly shoving inside all your holes.

I've had many humbling experiences that many people have never experienced. I've starved for
weeks. I've eaten cold food off the floor thrown for the birds. I've dug through trash cans and
dumpsters looking for any decently edible food someone may have thrown out. I don't look at these
things and think I'm great for having done them. What I do know however is that I'm strong enough
of a person to have reached that kind of a low point in my life and still not give up on seeking
greatness, and further without becoming morally reprehensible.

I need to carry myself with the appropriate amount of self-respect that accurately reflects who I know
I am; even if that means I have to hate everyone and single-handedly destroy the world, I have far
too much self-respect to deny myself of what feels right.

Don't forget that I'm writing this book with the hope that it ends up merely having been a constructive
warning as opposed to a definitive act of terrorism. My hopes are in the right place, it just depends if
the thoughts and actions of others are.

People that took a shit on me before, if they try to act like they were just trying to be nice later, they
can shut the fuck up. If you're going to be a cocky prick and then think you can play it off like you
were just trying to be nice after I shut you down and you realize I'm actually capable of intellectual
discourse, I'm not going to believe you. There's a reason other people weren't trying to "help" me,
and it's because they had nothing to gain. You wanted your ego boosted and upon failing to get that
directly the way you wanted, you tried to get it by thinking you could deceive me about your intent.
No. Get fucked. You can laugh now, but I'll make sure you're crying later.

If you're going to try starting to treat me nice because you pity me and you're scared I'll kill myself,
go fuck yourself. I'm the ruler of the planet, not some pathetic loser that needs your pity. I'll take a
shit on you, burn you to the ground, then wipe my ass with your ashes. I'd rather go into isolation or
actually kill myself than walk around this earth with people patronizing me and looking down on me
with pity as if it was at their mercy that I'm still alive. No. It's at my mercy that they're still alive, and
they better fucking treat me that way.

Don't fucking forget it.

Even as I write this, I'm currently homeless. I've been homeless the entire time I wrote this book. I
don't stay in one place for very long and I'm already scoping out possible isolation locations. I'm
already preparing as if it's certain I'll have to do it, because I know that typically people want you to
prove something before they believe it, so as unfortunate as it is, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to
prove I can destroy the world by actually going into isolation and coming out later and actually
starting to destroy everything before I'll really be taken seriously. Although by then it's already far too
late for anyone to get mercy, it seems that's just the way things are going to be.

I'm writing this book not expecting the outcome I want, merely hoping. Even that hope is small. As
such, even I will concede that my desires which form the only conditions acceptable for me not to
destroy the world are more of a fantasy than anything I think has any realistic chance of happening.
It's what so many wanted to hear, so there you have it, the world will end.

At least your ego's satisfied in the moment, right? Pricks.

Well, I'm destroying the world soon anyways, so I might as well at least tell it why and be able to
proceed without second-guessing myself. I'll know I warned everyone, so if nobody really cares, so
be it.
Blessings

People talk about counting your blessings in life.

What I have to deal with every day is how anything that could be considered a blessing in my life is
really a double edged sword that is much more of a curse than it could ever be a blessing, and the
things that are clearly curses don't have any kind of blessings in disguise that even remotely redeem
them. Everything is simply misery piled on top of more misery that only leaves me in a state of
perpetual agony where every single day gets worse than the last. Every single thing I have to deal
with and go through where I have any degree of positive intentions gets more agonizing and seems
more futile than the last. While I've always gravitated away from negative emotions and behavior in
the past, it becomes more and more appealing every day.

I'm a mastermind genius with answers to life's greatest questions that nobody else seems to have or
fully grasp, yet the more I learn and apply in my life, the more unsatisfied and deeply unhappy I
become. Nothing gives me any real sense of satisfaction nor happiness anymore. Nothing really
makes me feel all that good. Nothing gives me any deep sense of peace. I just feel like absolute shit
all the time and all I see and can think about anymore is how I've just been abused, abandoned,
mistreated, neglected, unappreciated, disrespected, unwanted, unneeded and absolutely completely
unloved by everyone and everything at all significant to me that this life has ever had to offer me. I
feel like being alive every moment is just a burden and any health or sense of fortune I have only
served to taunt me with the potential to save myself from the misery that I perpetually seem unable
to escape from regardless of even my most intense efforts throughout years of sustained constant
immense energy that I put into it.

I put so much into life, every damn bit I've got, for years. After high school ended, following a brief
period of a few months where I simply contemplated on what to do with my life, I've been working
extremely hard every single day with very few breaks very intensely chasing success relentlessly. It's
been a total of nearly seven years and I've gotten no proper rewards for anything I've achieved
despite coming an extremely long way from the person I was at the end of high school.

Every person that I've tried to get close to has lied to me, manipulated me, used me, and thrown me
aside when they felt like there wasn't something they could benefit from me, even though I always
tried to be as good as I could be to them and wasn't trying to just use them. I've lived my life
immensely valuing maturity, respect, honesty, and love and haven't gotten back even remotely what
I've given. I'm left with no real love nor respect in my life from others of any remotely significant value
to me, no really valuable relationships or connections with anyone I can enjoy for any reason in
general, no sense of real happiness nor peace, and overall just nothing that makes me feel like all
the suffering and agony that I've already went through and continue to go through every day in my
life has been even remotely worth it.

At the same time, every single day I seemingly have potential for change, potential for improvement
constantly haunting me and dangling in front of my face, just barely enough that I can find some way
to desperately feel hopeful if I really push myself, when every rational part of me is telling me that it's
been extremely futile this far and doesn't show any real signs of improvement.

I'm fucking sick and tired of it. I'm fucking sick and tired of being seemingly insanely optimistic under
circumstances where pretty much anyone else seems to agree that I have not even the slightest
good reason to actually be optimistic at all that I won't end up just fucking going into isolation and
destroying the world in the future and I've had it. Every fucking person, literally every single fucking
person I've talked to about my life in any significant detail, they all think I'm a complete fucking
moron for having any hope that things can ever change in any way I'd ever find satisfying. Few wish
me good luck, but most don't even want to do that.

No matter what they say, it's painfully clear they all think I'm a complete fucking moron for even
thinking that it's worth writing this book, for thinking that I'll ever achieve anything truly satisfying to
me, and basically seem to very clearly have no issue communicating to me that they think the best
thing I could achieve by writing this book is just giving the world a good laugh and inevitably ending
up either killing myself or going into isolation and dying a hermit that never achieved anything
significant with my life.

If I'm going to go into isolation anyways, then terrorizing the world as much as I can beforehand is
what I want to do. As far as I'm concerned, the way things are, terrorizing me is all the world has
ever really done to me, and you know what, it's about time that karma bites the world in the ass and
the world starts to feel terrorized the way that it's terrorized me relentlessly my whole damn fucking
life. If that's all I can achieve in writing this book, at least that can be the beginning of the end and
that can at least give some meaning to all the perpetual pain, suffering, and deep unhappiness and
dissatisfaction that every moment of my life has brought me and continues to bring me, until the real
end times come by my hand.

I don't care in the slightest how dark or depressing this book may be to anyone, because it's the
reality and the truth that I have to live with every single fucking day of my life and that every person I
ever encounter relentlessly only makes me painfully more aware of perpetually at this point. As a
result, I have absolutely no regret, remorse, nor any kind of desire to be at all merciful towards
inflicting the maximum amount of terror to the entire world in the same fashion that it mercilessly
does to me.
Despite all the content in my book, I'm certain there'll be many that still think I'm just some delusional
petty moron that's trying way too hard to get a girl that never did or will love me, and that only goes
to show even further why destroying the world in the future is the clear way to go for me.
Acceptance

I've never really felt like I fit in with any crowd I've encountered in my entire life, which was bad
enough, but I'm quite certain that with the completion and release of this book, I've very firmly
secured my position in this world as unwelcome in any circles that exist. Considering how severely
negative the vast majority of my life experiences have been and how disillusioned I've become
towards this world as a result, I've completed and released this book being completely beyond caring
about anyone ever even remotely accepting me.

If you think I'm writing this book seeking anyone's validation or acceptance, you're severely
mistaken; in fact, I expect quite the opposite effect. I'm simply so beyond caring and can see I've
already been so severely driven away from enjoying human interaction to any extent that I'd rather
embrace complete disapproval and wreak havoc on this shitty world than ever desperately beg for
acceptance, especially when it should be others that are begging me for acceptance, given the true
circumstances.

If I had to guess how most people will react to this book, since most people are delusional clowns,
they'll probably try to come at me, possibly claiming they're a god themselves, most likely stating
ridiculously stupid reasoning that they claim validates their position that I'm not, because their fragile
ego feels so attacked by the deconstruction and decimation of any and all remotely valid seeming
points they could think of to actually attempt to have any kind of logical discourse with me, so all they
have left is a pathetic and futile attempt to emotionally provoke me in an attempt to bring out
emotional instability they believe I have as a result of their own that they're projecting onto me. That,
or they'll try to kiss my ass or offer me things I don't really care about in hopes I'll teach them
quantum energy arts or to be able to try to benefit off me in some other way that I don't care to
participate in to any extent.

Neither of these things will ever lead to me feeling nor truly being accepted by others and I'm not
stupid, pathetic, nor desperate to ever believe otherwise. If you're one of the people who wants to
attempt to do any of these kinds of things, just know you'll fail to get the reaction you want and you're
wasting your time.

Let's get started then, shall we?

 Disillusioned
We all desire different things in life. Many will argue that as human beings, we all fundamentally
desire the same things. Then they may proceed to list things such as love, trust, acceptance,
belonging, comfort, safety, wealth, success, happiness... The list goes on, but these kinds of things
are usually stated.

I have a big problem with this interpretation of desire.

To any remotely intellectual person, it should not be a matter of question in the slightest to
understand the idea that each and every of the aforementioned concepts, these supposed universal
desires, are actually open to subjective interpretation as to what exactly entails acquisition of said
attribute.

The problem then becomes quite obvious, at least to me. If the things that supposedly are
universally desired among all people are actually much more so concepts that are considerably open
to interpretation, what meaning does it then have to say that all people desire the same fundamental
things, when their own subjective definition of said things can drastically vary from person to person?

Upon complete understanding of this line of thinking, we can then draw the conclusion that in reality,
nobody wants the same thing at all.
Deception

With a title like this, I'm pretty certain the first thing that comes to a person's mind is that there's no
way I could possibly be serious and rationally capable of what the title states. They'd instantly jump
to the conclusion that whatever I'm writing, if it's not nonsense, must be some kind of deception.

I know that in writing this, I'm trying to beat the odds. My claim literally makes me ruler of this planet,
so I know I'm going to have to be very honest and share a lot, unless I expect people to be very
reluctant to acknowledge what I'm saying to any extent. That's of course assuming they don't
dismiss it entirely as fiction on principal, like I'm sure many fools will.

After all, I'm not Trump or Putin, and even with their nukes and technical ability to end the world,
even those clowns aren't considered rulers of the planet. If me as an individual entity, unknown to
the mass public and with no nukes nor publicly recognized power, claims to be able to achieve such
an immense feat, I surely must be the biggest hidden threat to exist in this world. It would obviously
seem to most that I'm the biggest clown of all.

I know the truth, however, and the odds aren't going to stop me, no matter how greatly against my
favor they are. The odds being against me certainly didn't stop me from getting this far, and they're
not going to change the reality of what I'm capable, willing, and planning to do. I might as well write a
book about it before going into complete isolation to start meditating intensely using quantum energy
harvesting meditation techniques in preparation of ending it all. At least this way, the people driving
me to this the most can't say I didn't give them and everyone else sufficient warning.

I'm releasing this book for free. I'm not writing it to make a profit nor expecting any rewards at all to
come from it. Even if there are rewards but what I've truly wanted isn't one of them, I don't care at all
and I'll throw all the other stuff away without hesitation. If I lie about anything, it will at best make me
look like a clown and at worst cost me my life.

As much as it may comfort your ego to think I'm lying, I'm not. I have no reason to lie here. I'm not
joking either. If you're looking for your ego to be comforted or for a good laugh, stop reading. You're
definitely going to be disappointed. You can't say I didn't warn you.

I'm not writing this book with a smile on my face. I'm not laughing thinking about how confused,
scared, and angry many people who read this will be. I'm writing this book very angry and upset,
dreaming that there's any possibility all my words can make a difference in the way I'd like and I
won't have to end up destroying everything. I'm powerful and I'm scary, but I just want to really feel
loved, just like so many other people out there.

I already know there's only one thing that can do that for me, and that's how it's always been and
always going to be.
Futile

I'm the type that has a strong dislike of and resistance to participation in anything seemingly futile in
any form. There has only ever been one exception to this, and that is the pursuit of the woman of my
dreams. As futile as it seemed every step of the way, I knew how much it meant to me and that I
could never forgive myself if I didn't try my absolute best despite all the odds, so I put aside my
reservations and followed my heart, as it is said one should in the pursuit of true love.

For anything else in life, pursuit in the face of futility is something I find unacceptable from myself.
For this to be so important to me that I abandoned that principal and gave this everything I've got, if
nothing else it should show how much it really means to me.

It should be understood that there is a very real and significant difference between an effort
seemingly futile and one deemed futile by others. In understanding of futility of subject matter, one
must appropriately consider both any possible subjective bias they may hold themselves, as well as,
depending on the extent to which they may hold active ego, possibly even more so the extent to
which subjective bias is relevant in the opinions and actions of others as it relates to any subject
matter.

Particularly in situations where there's decision-making necessitated that involves a heavy influence
on subjective interpretation of pertinent knowledge and/or experiences, or in situations where one is
far more knowledgeable and/or experienced in an area than anyone they're getting feedback from in
general, it's especially important to consider the extent to which others are incompetent to be able to
give feedback based upon reasonably sufficient foundation, which means that using one's own
judgement should be much more heavily relied on than any outside feedback.

In the context of writing this book and my goals, demands, and vision, it's overwhelmingly clear to
me that I'm the only person truly qualified to be writing such a book, therefore the weight of my
perspective on everything that goes into this book is of vastly greater significance than anything
anyone else thinks. The vast majority of people couldn't even imagine the reality of being a
Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, particularly through the extremely unique pure and
wholesome route that I achieved it.

To ignore or even downplay the immense significance of this fact would break down my mental
processes to such a great extent that I'd be rendered incapable of both writing this book and even
really functioning properly in my life in general. It's through my very thorough understanding that
writing this book is the least futile effort that I could be putting towards seeking and attempting to
achieve positive prospects for the world that empowers me to complete it and release it with
complete confidence and knowing I have no regrets regardless of the outcome.
Action

Anything great is always going to have some level of fear involved in doing it, but it's overcoming that
fear and doing it anyways that separates the people that achieve great things from the mediocre
ones.

In more difficult situations, both doing and not doing something may carry significant fear. In that
case, the action where one is overcoming the greater fear results in greatness.

This understanding alone will likely lead one into a thought loop wherein they attempt to rationalize
that doing something results in taking the action overcoming the greater fear, however that results in
an understanding that they were actually more afraid of not doing said thing, meaning they made the
decision leading to lesser or no greatness, and vice versa.

The understanding that resolves this thought loop is that action, and not inaction, is the fundamental
source of greatness. With that in mind, one may attempt to rationalize that not doing something is
still a form of action, however the distinguishing property becomes one's current state of greatness
and the overall resulting greatness of action versus inaction. In this highly technical view with deep
understanding, one must carefully consider value trade-offs of each option.

Consider a generic situation with difficult choices where both distinct action, as well as what can be
considered action via the action of not taking the aforementioned action, carry considerable fear.
One needs to consider the value trade-off by using current greatness as the reference frame,
evaluating probabilities in either scenario. By taking the aforementioned action, is there a greater
increase in value than not taking it? Is there a need to take the action that adds value to the extent
that not taking said action results in value loss by way of not fulfilling that need? If so, one must
recognize that the rationalizing they're doing not to take said action is simply a result of their
subconscious greater fear of taking it.

This is the greatness action effect model.

Retribution

The understanding of the greatness action effect model can be used to demonstrate why I'm writing
this book and also why I'm going to single-handedly destroy the world with the direction that my
current life circumstances seem to most likely be heading in.

I'm currently in a situation wherein I've put immense effort into achieving the maximum potential of
my personal greatness, yet am being perpetually immensely disrespected by anyone and everyone
even remotely significant in my life and as a result receiving a complete lack of results of any deeply
satisfying significance to me.

The result is that the only remaining value I can objectively reasonably derive from all my acquired
resources is to thoroughly strip all even remotely significant value from the lives of anyone significant
in my life, along with eventually every person in the entire world, to achieve any degree of significant
and satisfying retribution, even if it results in complete destruction of everything including eventually
my own life.

This is because otherwise, my life has already had all significant meaning permanently and
perpetually stripped away from it due to my existing circumstances and the direction they pretty
much absolutely certainly seem to be heading, which will result in such severe depression that I'll
end up simply committing suicide randomly one day, which is absolutely unacceptable to me given
how clearly I can see it happening and how competent I am to prevent such a pathetic fate for
myself.
Interaction

An intelligent individual frequently questions the intent of those they interact with.

A genius, however, knows that frequently is not good enough.

One must always question anyone's intent in anything they do, if they hope to ever achieve acquiring
a fully objectively accurate view of the most beneficial course of action to take in response to
interacting with anyone else. This is because any individual that doesn't possess a core value of
refined pure bidirectional apprehension has, by understanding of the nature of reality, fundamentally
malicious intent in every single thing they do, whether they are aware or accepting of this fact or not.

As a result, until one has been presented with enough evidence to be absolutely certain an individual
possesses a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, which in order to do accurately
they must first themselves possess a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, they
must constantly question the intent of any individual in their life in every situation, without fail, if they
aim to put themselves in the best possible position in this brutally cutthroat world.

The nature of living beings (and not being limited to humans either) is founded on survival. Survival
is fundamentally competitive by nature because resources are ultimately limited within the space
time field. Competition lends itself to malicious intent to rise above. Therefore, it rationally makes
much more sense to suggest all living beings are inclined towards malicious intent by default as a
result of the nature of reality.

The reason why an individual with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value doesn't
fundamentally function on a drive of malicious intent is because they have learned and fully
internalized how to go against their fundamental base drive that considers survival, in any and every
perceived form, physically and mentally, to be of the highest ultimate priority. From a purely
psychological perspective, this is the highest level of enlightenment possible.

Now, this doesn't mean by any means that they'll never participate in, or even themselves initiate,
activities which involve malicious intent towards others. However, the way they operate when they
do so is fundamentally different than those that don't possess this core value. They approach the
angle of malicious intent from an entirely calculated, objectively rationalized and backed angle. This
means they don't involve any emotions with subjective bias, and as a result, the final output of their
emotional content in such situations has a far stronger impact than that of an individual that loosely
flings around their emotions with subjective bias.

Any individual without a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension is simply utilizing
objective reality as a necessary facet of feeding their emotions, as opposed to using their emotions
as a facet to feed objective reality.
Simply hearing this description of what's going on underneath should allow an even only somewhat
intelligent individual to be able to easily see quite clearly why the approaches an individual with
refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value takes to situations involving having malicious
intent are far more powerful than that of someone who doesn't.

In the same fashion that simply being intelligent can be used for good and bad purposes, being free
from subjective bias caused by active ego (which is an entirely separate matter from any degree of
being intelligent) can also be used for good and bad purposes, naturally becoming amplified in
magnitude using intelligence.
Truth

Only subjective truth can ever be described by fundamentally subjective beings as tacit. Objective
truth is foundationally complex in nature and requires careful evaluation.

Additionally, in order to truly appreciate anything, one must establish the subject matter in question
and what can be interpreted as appreciation for it. Without establishing a love or hate position
towards it, you're not appreciating it at all, simply observing.

There is no "ultimate ethos", only ultimate understanding. A truly versatile ethos would be adaptable
and perpetually changing so as to not be well defined within the constraints of its own context.
Extreme versatility as a primary characteristic then resolves to a focus on the foundational
understanding of it.

Collaboration is a practical consequence as a part of survival, but it isn't the fundamental driving
force. Even collaboration is done in order to ultimately facilitate a competitive advantage. By no
means have I failed to consider that an entity doesn't necessarily have to "grow" to use more
resources, and not only does that have nothing to do with the idea of only a single entity surviving in
the end, it only further proves my point that resources are limited and this facilitates cutthroat
competition.

Entities can support a collaborative effort with others while still maintaining a generally competitive
and cutthroat attitude and lifestyle; it happens all the time in the real world. Just because a CEO
takes care of their partner and possibly children, doesn't mean they can't be a shark to their client
base and/or employees.

You may disagree that the subject matter attached to appreciation ultimately stems from a love or
hate of the aforementioned, but that doesn't change the fact that without a firmly established attitude
towards something based on a decided positive or negative view towards it, you can't form any
solidified stances to do anything more than observe it. Even seriously suggesting that an established
position on appreciation of subject matter can possibly have absolutely no relevance to either
positive or negative emotion indicates an excessive attempt to distance yourself from your emotions
in a fundamentally unhealthy way.

The truth is that unless I wish to simply rot and end up committing suicide from depression and
apathy towards existence, I must develop either a positive or negative view towards all the things
that have happened to me in my life and the circumstances I'm currently dealing with, then proceed
to form intentions to act upon desires that result from that view. If you wish I'd kill myself, it's your
prerogative to wish so, however I personally don't want that for myself, so I'm choosing to care about
my life.
When I think about looking positively at all the pain, suffering, and negative events and
circumstances that I've had to endure in my life, that just makes me want to kill myself even more
quickly than becoming apathetic and just becoming a drug addict and ending up overdosing and
killing myself does, so since the whole reason I'm choosing to care about my life in the first place is
because I don't want to end up killing myself, looking at things with that perspective very quickly
becomes completely nonviable.

That only leaves looking at it all from a negative perspective, making me an extremely hurt and
severely disrespected individual that should cease to refrain from exercising utilizing my power in a
more bold and empowering way. Seriously threatening to single-handedly destroy the entire world
the way that I am in writing this book has completely clearly become by far my best option to do so.

It's not about a value gained from destruction, although if it came to that scenario the gain would be
emotional equilibrium for myself, but it's more about maintaining a mutually assured destruction
policy. The world is being extremely destructive to me, so I'm giving it a final warning before I
become extremely destructive back. If it stops, I refrain. If not, we'll destroy each other.

Do you know how governments protect themselves from getting nuked? They promise other
countries that if they detect they're getting nuked by a country, they'll nuke that country back and
assure neither country survives. The willingness to be destructive in response to a severely
destructive undesirable outcome from external forces serves to deter them from those undesirable
courses of action.

I can clearly see that continuing to let the world step all over me by not exercising the use of my
power is only going to result in it perpetually continuing to do so until I commit suicide, so I'm
threatening to destroy it all in return to attempt to prevent it from driving me to kill myself to the point
that I actually end up doing so.

To all the people that wish I'd kill myself, and especially to those that have already told me to do so
or plan to tell me to do so in the future, fuck you, you pretentious twat, you go kill yourself.

As I mentioned earlier, because of my firmly established negative appreciation (or hatred) towards
all the painful and negative experiences I've had to endure throughout my life and that I continue to
endure to this day, when combined with my power and capabilities, I'd never simply kill myself;
deciding I want to kill myself means I'd wreak havoc on this world and destroy everything else first.

Wanting me to kill myself is equivalent to wanting to kill yourself. That's the truth.
Respect

I should mention the in-practice implications of what it means when I say I'll be entirely unwilling to
accept any fame, fortune, sex, or any other rewards following the release of my book, without
officially dating Kimi.

Once my book is released, although I'll be sharing the fact of its release with several individuals and
groups, I'll completely refuse to respond to anyone who contacts me, for any reason, no matter how
rich, famous, sexy, or otherwise appealing they are in any way that may make connecting with them
interesting, until and unless I receive direct contact from Kimi herself and we properly sort things out
and start officially dating. Kimi will always be my number one priority. After I get to fly out to LA to be
with her and we get comfortable with each other in person, then I can bother caring about anyone
else who wants to interact with me.

She has until the end of this year to decide to do so, and if she doesn't, then I've decided from that
point forward I want to kill myself and I'll be going into complete isolation to intensely meditate all day
using quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques in preparation of single-handedly destroying
the entire world before ultimately ending my own life.

Additionally, I expect Kimi to never contact me if she doesn't fully intend to immediately start
pursuing a serious romantic relationship with me. If she contacts me with any other intent, I'll
become completely unresponsive and uncooperative as soon as it becomes clear, until and unless
she eventually does start truly pursuing a serious romantic relationship with me. Since my primary
focus in communicating with her would be to clearly establish the beginning of a serious romantic
relationship and I'll be very straightforward about it, Kimi's intentions in talking to me should become
obvious quite quickly. After everything I've had to go through, I have no desire to talk to her if she's
just going to fuck around and continue to deny me of what I want and need if I'm not to end the world
in the future.

In this fashion, I'll effectively already be starting to completely socially isolate myself from the world
the moment my book is released. I'm already living homeless, working all day every day on my book,
and have no desire whatsoever to talk to anyone except Kimi, so you're severely mistaken if you
think it'll be at all difficult for me.

In case you couldn't get the hint, you don't write a completely serious and deep book about why
you're going to kill everyone and destroy the world out of severe disillusionment, unless you've truly
had it with people and even life in general, and you're completely ready to snap entirely unless you
get exactly what you want and need to remain constructive in the future.

Still think this is a joke?

I'm working so hard to earn respect and credibility with this book, but the fundamental premise of
writing it involves my unwavering desire and intent to literally destroy the world if I don't get the only
woman I can ever truly consider the love of my life and the absolutely perfectly voluptuous goddess
of my wildest fantasies, the only reason I find any true meaning in continuing to at all care about
being loving and constructive in this life among all the hatred and suffering I've had to endure being
inflicted upon me.

This isn't a position one can hold with simply moderate conviction, especially if they want to truly
deserve any significant degree of respect.

No matter how much respect I may receive for all the depth and intellectual and emotional content in
this book, which should be a considerable amount by anyone with reasonable intellectual capacity,
much, if not most or even possibly all of that is going to go down the drain if I threaten to end the
world if I don't get a certain woman, and then I don't get her and I don't follow through on what I said.
Not only would everyone start doubting and questioning the true extent of my capabilities far more
than they already do and most likely still will even after reading this entire book, I'd definitely become
an absolute laughing stock for having such terrible awareness of love and taste in emotional
connections with women.

People already mock both my connection with Kimi as well as my claims and abilities, and that's
certainly only going to get much worse in that case.

It doesn't matter how exactly Kimi reacts if she won't be with me, whether she's terribly sorry,
laughing her ass off, or largely neutral and indifferent, and whether or not she tries at all in any other
ways to compensate me for the resulting perpetual severe suffering I'd have to deal with; the
outcome that I lose respect and credibility if I don't follow through remains all the same. Nobody will
ever take me seriously enough, nor should they even if they want to, if I hold such strong
convictions, get denied by someone in no position to deny me, and I don't put her in her place as I
promised for being so disrespectful, along with putting everyone else in their place for supporting
such disrespect, demonstrating massive disrespect themselves as a result. Not only that, but if I
don't follow through, I wouldn't even be able to respect myself either.

With releasing this book, I put my future and the future of the world in Kimi's hands.

The respect I have for Kimi is respect that I want to give her and personally will always believe she
deserves, no matter what anyone might say or think. I've already had several people insult both me
as well as Kimi, telling me that Kimi's just a stupid hoe and that there are plenty of much better
women out there that are much more deserving of my love and will treat me with more respect; that's
complete bullshit.
When I was nothing, the whole time before I wrote this book, it was only Kimi who chose to give me
any serious degree of love and affection at all. This whole time, she's been very consistent with
continuing to have feelings towards me, even if it wasn't nearly as warm as I would've liked.

Given the situation, I can still try to understand. It's been complicated and she's been worried I don't
really love her, the same way I've been worried she doesn't really love me. I've already told her that I
can truly forgive her for everything if we end up together. Even Kimi herself doesn't think she
deserves so much love from me and I've had to fight with her about it. She's really cute sometimes.

She made it very obvious to me, from before I ever once told her I love her, that she's no stranger to
one night stands. If that was something I ever really cared about, I would've never pursued her. As
long as she treats me right if we're actually in an official romantic relationship, I don't care how many
people she's had fun with in the past, and in fact I'm happy she had her fun and experiences and got
her curiosity for it out of her system. Her openness and consistency with continuing to be
affectionate towards me demonstrates far more respect towards me than any other potential
romantic partner can ever show me in the future as far as I'm concerned.

Anyone else that may try pursuing me in the future, especially people I knew already that didn't really
give me any attention until later, would be the real hoes.

Nobody can ever make me feel so loved, wanted, and special like Kimi does.

Nobody.
 Thinking
Objective reality. What a loaded term. Two seemingly simple words, but meaning that's so deep it's
completely beyond the vast majority of people's capabilities to comprehensively comprehend.

I'm not talking about the fact that there are seemingly countless activities, skills, and bits of
knowledge that anyone would be much more than eccentric to suggest one can digest in a single
lifetime for any individual without advanced quantum energy arts knowledge. I'm talking about
objective reality on a fundamental level. The absolute truth and cold, hard facts that remain when
there is no subjective bias to cloud one's perception.

A lot of people think they know how to really think. A lot of people think they do it a lot. Perhaps
nearly as many also think they do it quite well.

The thing about thinking is that it's not how much of it you do or how intensely you try to do it, it's
much more about functional efficiency. If you don't do it much, you'll end up a straight up idiot. If you
do it very intensely but incorrectly, you'll end up extremely anxious and/or depressed. If you only do
it when you really need to, you'll end up a sheep in the herd.

You shouldn't just be thinking, you should be thinking critically.

Critical Thinking

Reasoning is the process within which one attempts to understand information given through any of
the senses. Keep in mind that mental stimulation counts as a sense; the sense of general
awareness.

The true process of understanding is attempting to emotionally and logically consolidate input from
the external world with your internal interpretation of it. To understand something is to successfully
achieve that.

Emotions are a biologically driven reaction to external and internal stimulus. They're rooted in the
subconscious. They contain logic but aren't necessarily logical.

Logic is the consistent patterns that bring about your perception of reality. Pay careful attention to
the fact that logic is the consistent patterns themselves, not the process of consolidating them.
Consolidating them, emotionally and logically, is the very way I'm defining understanding. Being
logical involves utilizing understanding in combination with logic in order to reach for truth.
Understanding utilizes the consistent patterns, but the patterns don't utilize understanding. Being
logical and what logic is as a concept are different things.

Thoughts and emotions aren't the same, although most people live life as if they are, simply
backwards-rationalizing to give themselves the illusion of control they don't even remotely have.
Emotions are the driving force behind all thought, whether you're aware of their presence
consciously or not, but the thoughts themselves and the emotions that drive them are two separate
things. They just happen to have a strong connection in cases where an individual is very
consciously aware of them and desires to express said awareness clearly.

Some would argue with the assertion that the universe is fundamentally probabilistic. Why it's
objectively the most rational stance is because although the universe can act in ways very likely or
even perhaps certain to be deterministic in certain contexts, for example 1+1 is always objectively 2,
at a fundamental level, the patterns that gave rise to these more static and deterministic contexts are
so heavily involved with various variables that we can't possibly account for with sufficient accuracy
within the scope of our awareness, given that we must always consider there are factors we don't
know that we don't know about.

The people that think the universe is fundamentally deterministic live their lives with the mentality
that what will happen will happen. While obsessing over things in your life that have already
happened and you can no longer influence isn't going to be healthy nor productive, applying
backwards-rationalizing to justify simple acceptance of the past isn't fundamentally healthy either.
The same applies to obsessing over the future.
Understanding the past, contemplating the future, and active awareness of the present are all
absolutely mandatory, of course in carefully balanced combination, in order for the most functionally
effective state of awareness.

Perhaps it's more clear to specify then that the nature of reality, at least as it's most functionally
effective to contemplate upon and attempt to adapt to in the most efficient manner, is probabilistic.
The very basis of accepting the universe is fundamentally probabilistic implies accepting the
possibility that it's deterministic, however, as that position leaves much to be desired as far as
leading to very flexible and optimized thought processes, regardless of the true nature of reality,
because it cannot ever ultimately be known to our perception to be deterministic if it is so, it's only
truly objectively rational to act upon a universe that is fundamentally probabilistic.
Philopsychology

Some of the much more intellectual individuals that I've had the pleasure of dealing with have
presented me with the position that a lot, if not all, of the things I present within the scope of
philopsychology are pieces of knowledge that several religious sects and their teachings already
cover considerably. Of course, with the exception of the quantum energy arts.

I see the point being made and can acknowledge that a large portion of the material in the field of
philopsychology that I cover in this book has in a way, depending on the mental facilities of the
individual and their ability to interpret information presented to them, already been presented and
explored to a considerable degree in other teachings that have already been present for quite some
time.

However, philopsychology carries with it two very distinct and extremely powerful differences and
factors that provide additional information, which either individually or (especially) combined, makes
a drastic difference in the functional effectiveness of the teachings within the context of practical,
objective application.

First of all, even if the fundamental concepts presented in philopsychology are in many aspects
considerably similar to the teachings of various religious sects, an extremely notable difference is
that the information is presented differently. Now, on its own and in a general sense, the information
being presented differently would make philopsychology no greater than all the aforementioned
teachings which only differentiate themselves from each other using that explicit and exclusive
criteria. With that single factor taken into consideration exclusively, philopsychology becomes
nothing more than just another distinguished school of thought, essentially a religion that is in denial
of being a religion, effectively making it a considerably poor school of thought to follow given that any
person being exposed to it would instantly see the blatant contradiction and question not only the
intent in presenting it as such but also the integrity of the system as a whole.

The relevancy and point of interest as it pertains to the presentation of the information being different
from that of any other existing school of thought is the understanding that the presentation of the
information being digested is critical to the understanding of it. Because philopsychology presents all
the aspects of objective reality within an entirely rationalized and objective position, it's therefore the
most objectively clear and concise presentation of the given information. This means that it's most
conductive to facilitating an individual's understanding of the material with no subjective biases
present in the work itself, leaving only the subjective biases present in the reader's perception as a
possible point of failure in effectively and completely understanding the material presented.
In short, what all other significant schools of thought have in common is that they attempt to present
largely the same fundamental understandings about the nature of reality, but distinguish themselves
through the differences in presentation, which is reliant on the subjective bias of those that wrote it.
The interpretation of works is subjective, but the single truth of objective reality is objective. That's
where philopsychology distinguishes itself among others that may seem similar.

Additionally, quantum energy arts, or at least at the highest tier level of 3, aren't taught in any other
existing school of thought. Now, this may seem like quite a bold assertion to make, particularly
without extensively breaking down every other school of thought known in their entirety, however the
evidence present within the real world actually makes it painfully clear that it's the case.

If this information was known to any significantly sized school of thought, we'd certainly see several
individuals, especially all world leaders, possessing, utilizing, and flaunting this knowledge and their
resulting abilities openly.

Now, it may be argued that quantum mechanics relates to how one perceives the world and thus is
literally the basis of various other teachings already.

Indeed, how you perceive the world is the foundation for how you modulate it. This, however, must
be put into perspective. Because perception plays such a significant role in the way one interacts
with the world, that's precisely why understanding it with complete clarity is so important. This is a
detail that all other schools of thought lack with their teachings. They have far too much of a focus
and assign far too much significance to many highly subjective details that intrude on objectivity.
This extensive inclination towards subjective bias in the teachings is then reflected in those that
follow those teachings, and especially when combined with their already present subjective bias
from their active egos, is the reason why we have things like terrorists that bomb buildings in the
name of their religion.
Goal

When more intellectual individuals have been presented with how solid this view on rationality and
objective reality as whole are, after they come to agreement with it upon understanding it, they often
end up asking me why I'm trying so hard and doing all this anyways.

Naturally, I recognize that I'm putting an immense effort in the face of seemingly futile odds with an
unbelievable amount of optimism towards a positive outcome against all the odds. I'm well aware of
this, but my reasoning is firmly grounded in objective reality and my goal is very clear and deeply
rooted in the core of my being. I feel compelled with every bit of my being to pursue this direction in
life. I'm doing this all because an extremely accurate understanding of objective reality with a broad
and unbiased perspective that's holistic and remains as optimistic as possible while not being naive
is something that I've found very distinctly lacking in this world, a hole I find myself quite suitable to
fill.

Many would definitely argue that my view on what I'm doing is extremely subjective, but I can
objectively quantify and therefore objectively validate my position better than anyone else can do to
their own. My core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension plays a massive role in my
perspective and the way I live my life, and although in the past it's been quite easy for people to at
least try to step all over me because I didn't have something immense to very concretely validate my
position, this book now gives me such a thing and I couldn't be more relieved. I've found my life
completely unlivable without demonstrating an extremely sharp awareness of objective reality,
seemingly far exceeding anyone else I've ever encountered, but I haven't been able to express that
nearly adequately enough without writing this book.

While it's true that Kimi has such a significant position in my life, the vast majority of my knowledge
was acquired before Kimi became at all a part of my life. Additionally, to the extent that she's had an
influence in expanding my awareness, from how coldly and brutally she treated me throughout this
whole period and continues to even now, I've had no lack of difficulty entirely distancing my
emotional stances from the information that continues to enter my awareness and become learned
as a result of her presence in my life. Upon understanding that I was inspired largely by my issues in
my relationship with Kimi to write this book, one may jump to the conclusion that the book is
effectively written for her more than anything else. This, however, couldn't be further from the truth.

The way she's treating me now, this book is definitely much more for myself than anyone or anything
else. It's for my own peace of mind that in what I see as the highly likely case that the world will not
be appropriately responsive to prevent it, at least I tried my best to warn the world that things needed
to change, drastically and quickly, if humanity didn't want everything to go to absolute shit. I've
already known for a long time that with the life I've been handed, I can't realistically depend on
anyone else in this world. My connection with Kimi has only made that ever so clear to me.

It's my wish that I won't have to keep living my life in such a cold way.
Health

Most people in this world believe themselves to be completely mentally healthy. That's exactly how I
know that most of them are delusional. There's a very significant distinction between healthy and
functional. Most people aren't mentally healthy, they're just mentally functional.

If most people in the world were actually completely mentally healthy, the dogmas of the massive
cults in modern times that are typically referred to as religions wouldn't be running rampant. This
book would never have had to been written because refined pure bidirectional apprehension
would've been taught about in schools. Politics wouldn't be a clown fiesta. A lot would be different. A
lot.

True and complete mental health is achieved when one has no duality between their inner dialogue
and outward beliefs. It's a state only truly achieved when one fully liberates themselves of any active
ego. The state known in philopsychology as achieving a core value of refined pure bidirectional
apprehension.

Completely accurate perception of objective reality comes from a complete lack of any subjective
bias clouding one's perception; the end result of complete liberation from any active ego. In order to
be able to grasp objective reality with complete clarity, one must be able to neutralize any internal
emotional imbalances which result from past experiences, current preoccupations, and future goals
and concerns. This is achieved by fully internalizing the understanding that one must weigh the past,
present, and future all with exactly equal significance at any moment in time.

A key player in the way one perceives reality is the significance to which they assign the acquisition
and interpretation of experiences in general. Most people see experience as either a tool or a goal,
and it may vary depending on context, but they have one of those two views on experience that they
consider the default, and likely the more "correct" view on its significance. This typically also applies
to the significance to which they assign logic, however their default and potential for variance in that
regard may differ.

This is a poor perspective to have.

Experience should be a tool and a goal. Logic should be a tool and a goal. Neglecting to consider all
the facets of one's perception of reality will leave them with a perspective that can never be holistic.

But who needs to actually be healthy when you can just be functional, right?
Healing

It's been said that time heals all wounds.

Well, I'm telling you that all time really does for most people is give them the illusion that they're
dealing with all their issues properly when all they're really doing is trying to ignore them as much as
possible and pretty much hope they'll somehow magically go away.

Admittedly, depending on exactly what it is, it's indeed possible that simply ignoring something
unpleasant or undesirable from the past may more or less render any notable significance it has in
your life marginal, but not only is the essence of this mental process fundamentally unhealthy and
promotes growth of active ego, it's also very obviously not even functionally effective when the
context is a more major problem that you can be very certain will never randomly go away,
especially if there's some kind of fixed deadline and you're aware of it.
Letting go

Holding on to the past may not be healthy, but it is necessary when lessons are yet to be learned.

The subject that needs to learn the lessons may be you, or it may be another person, or perhaps
even a group of people. Whatever the case may be, trying to trivially dismiss issues that unsettle you
and brush them under the rug when there's at least one party involved that needs to learn something
is not a good idea. Depending on the situation, if it's something pretty minor, it probably doesn't
unsettle you much and you're able to find peace simply letting it go.

On the other hand, when it's something that deeply upsets you, something that eats away at your
core and your very desire to live, it's a very different story. When you know you've been deeply
wronged, and especially when it's the same person or group of people that have deeply wronged
you that are the people trying to tell you to forget about it and move on with your life, you should
never listen to those people.

Of course, after someone's used you, milked every drop of usefulness they see out of you, and given
you little to nothing, or even just far less than you deserve, in return, they'll want you to forget about
it and move on from the fuckery they're inflicting upon you. They'll be very eager to see that happen
as fast as possible. More than that, they need it to happen. They desperately need it to happen, in
fact, because otherwise, they know what's happening next. Redemption. Revenge.

Of course they want you to just take it, like you're their bitch, on this planet only to be used like a tool
by those who find use in you, then tossed aside like trash once you've given them what they wanted.

When these kind of people tell you to just let it go? Someone needs to learn a lesson. Now, perhaps
that person is you. Sometimes, you may be the one who's messing with the wrong person. However,
unless it's clear to you that's the case, as much as they'll obviously tell you otherwise, they're the
ones that need to learn a fucking lesson.
Stability

It doesn't matter how much pressure you feel. It doesn't matter how many people try to convince you
to forget. You have to listen to your head and your heart very carefully, and you have to have a clear
enough perception of reality to know what they're really saying.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting you start being petty and holding grudges every time
someone rubs you the wrong way. In fact, what I'm getting at is far from that. What I'm saying is that
before you start going down a rabbit hole, put everything into perspective. Ask yourself how much it
really hurts you and what it really means for your life and future. What kind of physical, mental, and
spiritual consequences, short and long-term, result from any event that deteriorates at your health to
any extent, mental or physical, that concerns you. That concern is there for a reason. To teach you
something. To show you something. To guide you somehow. You just need to figure out what it's
trying to show you.

If someone's just being petty, it's pretty much always best to just let it go. Turn the other cheek type
thing. Again, putting things into perspective is very important. You don't want to waste time and
possibly put your health and/or resources, such as money and freedom, at further risk than they
already perpetually are in this world we live in, especially over something that's not worth it.

However, if it's something that hits you where it really hurts, something that you know has scarred
you deeply, perhaps even for life, then you must do something about it and it must be significant.
You'll never be okay again otherwise.

If someone inflicts something upon you, something that makes you feel unhealthy, mentally or
physically, and they inflicted that on you because they were being unhealthy, mentally or physically,
that's totally not okay.

If you've had to deal with many people that have treated you in unhealthy ways and each person
mercilessly left their mark, not really caring if they left you unhealthy as a result of their
unhealthiness, and it effects you long-term day to day, that's not something you should ever take
lying down.

Holding on to things may result in you not always having healthy thoughts. It may result in you not
always taking healthy actions. But it's better than letting go of who you really are.

When something hits you deep, the person or people who hurt you haven't just damaged your
health, they've deteriorated at your will to live. They've attacked a part of who you are. They've tried
to take a piece of you away from yourself, a piece of you that you never intended to give away and
should never have to lose. You'll never be the same again.
And it's all their fault.
Perspective

I've never seen myself as a writer.

I've never been bad at writing nor have I ever disliked it, but it didn't really stand out to me either. I
know I've never had any real interest in writing anything fictional, and while I certainly have
knowledge I can share and stories I can tell, I figure that everyone's probably in that boat. Certainly,
each person has their own knowledge and experiences that they bring to the table in any interaction
and as an overall impacting force on the world, but it's hard to imagine any one piece of knowledge
or story rising above among the sea of written pieces covering a vast arena of anything and
everything perceived and desired to communicate about in this world.

I come from a world where my primary and exclusive creative outlet from a very young age was
computer programming. What I'm used to is heavy critical thinking involvement in a very technical,
procedural, and often methodical way. There's certainly creativity involved in the process of problem
solving to reach a functional solution for the desired end result, but it's a vastly different experience
from the much more heavily creative endeavor of writing. With programming, there's a feature set
mapped out, at least if you're a decently proficient programmer, followed by a very technical,
procedural, and in several cases (some much more than others) methodical implementation of the
logical road map you've laid out.

With writing, I would draw a much stronger parallel with a state of perpetual anxiety that, when
combined with emotion, results in a product of much more indeterminate value, reached in a process
far more sporadic than it could ever be called procedural or methodical. Armed with only a sufficient
grasp on the English language and a very vague idea of the end result at best, the hammer is put to
the nail, one day at a time, until hopefully enough individual parts have been worked on that they
may come together to form a building.

While quality is certainly important, because writing is read once and then digested, unlike
programming which has its end result executed over and over at varying frequencies depending on
application, I've found that I find a much greater significance and focus in quantity when it comes to
writing. Sometimes the words flow and that seems like a good thing, other times it seems so
significant that I feel certain I want a great quantity to feel I've done anything significant, which can
feel overwhelming.

As I've worked on this book more and more, I've come to realize just how significant and actually
helpful a lack of any real chronological order to what I wrote day to day really was. I've gotten a
whole new appreciation for the creative process and the value of a more free-flowing mindset and
environment. The strong contrast with the approach I had to take in coding allows me to appreciate it
that much more.

Writing this book really allowed me to actually start enjoying writing. Before this, I'd written many
essays to Kimi, but it was always much more a means to an end of what I was hoping to turn into a
loving and healthy relationship and was never really an activity that I enjoyed in and of itself. Writing
this book was such a different experience from writing one of those essays to Kimi that it really
solidified to me even more so how badly I absolutely need Kimi in my life or I'm surely destroying this
world. I think back to how miserable I felt every time I had to write one of those essays, and all I can
think is that my desire for this woman is unlike anything I ever have had and ever will have in my
entire life; the value and meaning I derive from that is so quintessential that losing Kimi from my life
pretty much equates to losing my life anyways and it really drives my position to end the world
without her the more I write and realize that although this book isn't for her, it certainly never
would've been written if it wasn't for her.
The International Ultimatum

Although as I said I've never been much of a writer, although it's significantly smaller than this book,
I actually have written a considerably large piece before this, called The International Ultimatum. It
was titled so because that's exactly what it was. There's a considerable amount of information there
that isn't necessarily directly pertaining to giving an ultimatum, however I included it simply because
it was relevant and I wanted to try to cover as much as I could in as coherent a way as I could.

Before, when I wrote The International Ultimatum, I still never imagined I'd end up writing a book. At
that point, I'd already spent the past two years prior writing countless essays one after the other, all
in pursuit of the love of my life, yet I still somehow was foolish enough to think that a mere 44
paragraph open letter I titled The International Ultimatum would be enough to convince her of the
truth that she has no other real options for a serious long-term relationship than me.

It went through 10 revisions before I considered it completed. It started quite small really, only a few
very modest-sized paragraphs. I didn't start writing it originally intending to turn it into the huge piece
it ended up becoming. But the first few paragraphs set something off in Kimi; after that, I just kept
having more to add, until suddenly two months and 10 revisions later, the beast was completed.

I'm not going to lie, in a very real way, I felt accomplished. I had serious hope that it very well
could've been enough to finally get things going my way. I'd just spent two months straight doing
nearly nothing with my free time except working on writing, expanding, proofreading, and finalizing
the largest piece of writing I'd ever written by far at the time. I'd also been working a full-time job for
nearly the entire duration that I'd been making it as well, which is why I didn't manage to finish it
much faster. At the time that I wrote it, I thought I'd actually written it quite fast, but after writing this
massive book in the short time that I did, I see the speed I worked on The International Ultimatum as
pathetically slow.

If I had to guess why, I'd say it was a combination of not being as hurt and upset as I am now while
writing this book, combined with having a full-time job and feeling really tired after I finished a work
day. Programming for eight hours a day, particularly when it's not even for yourself doing something
you're passionate about, is quite draining.
This Book

This book is going to put The International Ultimatum to shame. It was just an essay, and one that
lacked a ton of very critical information to be convincing and effective. It was just filled with emotion,
my subjective view on the relationship I had with Kimi, and expectations I had because of what I
knew I deserved, but without at all properly explaining why I knew I deserved it so clearly.

While this book includes a lot of what's in The International Ultimatum, it contains a whole lot more. It
just so happens that all of that other stuff, the stuff that wasn't in it, is what I actually needed to be
writing to have a realistic chance at being successful at my goal, instead of spending so much time
focusing so much on my feelings and not nearly enough on everything that lead to those feelings. I
can always try to explain my feelings to Kimi about anything after we're dating or at the least once
she decides to actually start taking our connection seriously, but without the stuff that will actually
convince her, my feelings are useless.

I suppose that even with all of my maturity and intellect, I was still naive in believing that Kimi was
warmhearted enough to not force me to go off this hard like this without having her in my life at all,
before she finally accepted the way she should've already known things are for quite some time.

An interesting side-effect of writing this book, which I honestly didn't think I'd experience, was an
immense sense of relief and emotional reinforcement. I've held a lot in for my entire life and finally
getting it all out like this was a nice experience. Knowing that the end result was literally a book that I
could feel really good about and simultaneously was the best thing I could do to try to work towards
a positive resolution to all the issues I had with people I've dealt with, along with the world in general,
turned out to be a lot more satisfying than I thought it would be.

I also find it quite interesting that while I was initially writing this hoping that Kimi would end up dating
me but expecting nothing to really come of it, I've come to realize its significance as a driving force in
assisting me in feeling completely validated in strengthening my existing position as much as
possible. Allowing all of my emotion to flow through me to the fullest extent, as the likely outcome of
continuing to be ignored and disrespected by the world results in my efforts effectively being largely
wasted as far as actually saving the world goes happens, was at the least very liberating. As a
result, I'll be able to meditate in that complete isolation state that much more intensely with drive and
complete passion for my position of absolutely decimating the human race.

My complete view on writing this book is that while I'm writing it in pursuit of positive prospects and
as an attempt to be constructive with my knowledge and power, I've encountered so many failures
and people oppressing me that I only find it rational to believe that it's very likely that pattern will only
continue, and even as insane as this book is, people will continue to try their hardest to oppress me
and therefore downplay the power and significance of this book being written.

I feel like a lot of people will be inclined to either laugh this book off entirely, or read it and benefit
what they can from it, but leave me without any useful validation or appreciation. My position that
being so unappreciated and disrespected is the reason I wrote this book in the first place certainly
won't change after seeing that, so I'm expecting the worst that I'll have to do my best to terrorize the
world with the release of this book and the attempt to get it attention to the best of my abilities, and
then promptly go into complete isolation at the end of the year to meditate very intensely to be able
to destroy the world within two to three years in the future.

Writing this book allows me to know I'm entering isolation truly with no regrets and allows me to
focus on relentlessly working towards ending the world with no mercy and no second-guessing. I'll
know I warned everyone the best I could, I'll know I tried my best to prevent having to do it, I'll know I
cared as much as I possibly could and tried my best to avoid it even long before I started actually
realizing it might have to happen, and I'll be able to accept the fact that since it still ended up
happening despite all my efforts, that it's not a surprise that Satan was destined to fuck this shitty
hellhole of a dumpster world up.
Drive

It seems that I've come to learn in the hardest way possible that the more you try to impress and
satisfy people, and the more people you try to achieve that with, the more you'll actually never be
enough and the more alone and unappreciated you'll feel. The more you give, the more people want,
and the better you are at giving, the more ruthlessly people will expect to be able to continue to take.
While that's certainly not the case for every little thing in life, especially when one tries to put things
into context and looks at situations on an individual basis, it's certainly been the case for anything
significant in my life when I look at it from a far-reaching perspective.

People like to say for every bad situation you can try to find a good side. I can try my hardest, but the
more I try, the more I realize that there is no good side if Kimi doesn't love me. The "good side" is
that I get to finally feel completely validated in giving the world the biggest "fuck you" possible and
destroying everything, if that can even be considered a good thing.

This book isn't something I see as a bright side to a dark situation. It's either the darkest side to a
bright situation, or it's the beginning of the darkest part to a situation that should've been bright.
Without Kimi, no amount of success will matter to me, and if this book isn't convincing enough to
prove that, then I'm as at peace as I'll ever be to go into isolation and prepare to start ending the
world.

If I end up realizing for certain that I'll never truly feel happy, I'm not at all content feeling like I'm
okay just desperately trying to not feel quite as shitty as I'd otherwise feel if I wasn't desperately
trying to feel a little better than absolute trash. I'd rather just embrace feeling like absolute garbage
and fucking end the world with a vengeance and at least feel the closest thing to a satisfying
retribution that there is for me in that case.

Because I've had to write this book and release it, while I'm trying my best to hope for the only
possible positive outcome of Kimi reaching out to me to start officially dating me with very serious
intentions to make it last for the rest of our lives, I have to be honest and say that I now have no
expectations and have fully accepted the very real possibility that I'll end up knowing I'll never have
an even remotely truly satisfying romantic relationship in my life, despite trying my absolute hardest
to get it, and destroying the world as a result.

I recognize that I can't write this book desperately hoping that I have any place in this world that
doesn't involve me entering complete isolation then terrorizing and destroying the world once I'm
sufficiently powerful enough. My expectations are fully to the worst possible scenario, and my hope
is present but as close to nothing as it gets, despite how many times I may repeat here that I'm
hopeful. I can only hope that Kimi can still see the part of me very deep down in my heart that loves
her more than anyone else ever could and she decides to trust her heart on that feeling, rather than
simply expecting the worst regardless and acting according to the resulting really cold feelings.

After all my thinking, I don't know whether I should really even have that hope. Probably not.
 Communication
Efficient communication is facilitated when individuals are either on a similar intellectual and
emotional capacity which naturally causes understanding and receptivity, or if a considerable
amount of effort is put to decrease a present disparity in intellectual and/or emotional capacity where
receptivity and contemplation has considerable attention put into it and therefore functional efficiency
of interaction can be achieved.

What this means in less complex terms is that I recognize the immense disparity in my intellectual
and emotional capabilities compared to the vast majority of people and I've put very considerable
effort to greatly elaborate on many foundational understandings that allow someone who puts
sufficient effort into reading and understanding everything I've written to be able to see things more
clearly and understand my position much better than if I'd never written this book.

I've covered several different areas in considerable detail and even used different presentation forms
in order to keep things exciting and interesting but also enlightening and efficient. I've paid careful
attention to detail in focusing on facts where it's pertinent but also elaborating on emotions when it
contributes effectively to the subject matter. I'm writing this book with the clear express intent of
communicating my thoughts and feelings as clearly as possible and with a very great amount of
detail.

This isn't a joke to me.

As such, before you even dream of trying to have some kind of dialogue with me, consider carefully
what you're thinking, what you want to say and why, and what you could ever hope to achieve. I'm
sure there are many that would consider me a coward for releasing this book and then closing
myself off to communication. Naturally, I have no regard for the musings of such ignorant and
arrogant fools and have absolutely no desire whatsoever to act in an extremely functionally
ineffective manner simply to attempt to prove them wrong.

I know such a moron would find some excuse to still accuse me of being a coward even if I opened
myself up to communication, or come up with some other personal attack to throw at me. This
makes any attempts to appease them completely futile by nature and would make me extremely
stupid if I were to humor it for even a moment after this book is released. I don't exist to entertain
these clowns, so they can go fuck themselves.

Anyone except Kimi, even those that aren't complete morons, also is a complete waste of my time
and energy to communicate with. They either have nothing good or useful to say and don't hold any
intentions towards me that I'd ever find desirable, or they have things to offer that I may have wanted
but don't care for in the slightest if I can't have Kimi in my life. Either way, I have absolutely zero
good reason to talk to these people as well.

Basically, I'm closing myself off to any communication except under an extremely specific set of
circumstances because I'm not a moron and can see that not doing so would not only never produce
me any kind of positive outcome I desire, but also result in a considerable amount of frustration that I
don't need or want in my life; I'm not willing to feed that toxicity and make it seem like I'm trying to
facilitate it in the writing of this book. I'd much rather start meditating and preparing to enter complete
isolation. You can call it anything but smart, but that only shows how stupid you are for even trying to
suggest you'd do any differently if you were as intelligent as me.

This book isn't a cry for help. It's not an invitation to express your opinion. It's not an attempt to seek
acceptance. It's not a demonstration of bravery. It's not bragging. It's the complex and complete
expression of my potential at this time to the furthest extent I'm willing to share it with the world and a
manifestation of my deepest thoughts and wishes in life. It's the culmination of my life up to this point
and an explanation of my plans for the future. It's liberating for me to finally be able to express all this
and put it out into the world, regardless of its reaction. I'm writing it because I have no reason to
keep holding all of this in, not because I'm seeking feedback from anyone in any way.

I've been through so much and have had so much defamation of character inflicted upon me by
multiple other people that I find it so hard to believe that much attention will be paid to this book or
that I'll actually get what I wish for, and as such, I have even less reason or desire to allow whoever
actually does read this book to actively inflict their ignorance and/or arrogance upon me and only
add to my already massive degree of suffering. I'm writing this book to give myself what little peace I
can that I warned the world before I go into isolation to start deep and intense meditation using
quantum energy harvesting techniques in preparation to destroy the world in the future, not to give
people an excuse to erode even further at my desire to live.

It's already very low as it is.

Not that I'm going to respond, nor do I expect that many will actually be respectful enough to
consider what I'm saying, but at least I know I mentioned this, so when people disregard it, there's a
place they can go to attempt to understand how stupid they are. If you want to even contemplate
upon how you'd communicate to me or what you'd communicate about, you should feel obliged to
write in a manner that can be understood and responded to.

This involves form and content.

Form

Form is spelling, grammar, punctuation, and overall structure/flow.

There is no excuse for lacking these basic skills.

You should be able to see the extent that these things have an impact in this book. Imagine how
terrible this book would be if it lacked them. Even with excellent content, it would greatly lose
credibility and even readability, drastically reducing its overall value and hindering its functional
efficiency.

Why write something if nobody's even going to want to read it or be able to even if they try?

That's right, there's no good reason. Don't bother.

If you have a hard time with this, try writing in Word or whatever word-processing program that you
have on your computer. Most of these programs are designed to correct basic errors of spelling,
grammar, and punctuation.

While this alone would make whatever you want to communicate still far from worth my time on its
own, at least it's somewhere to start.
Content

Content is the substance of what you're communicating. Just about any comment you can make is
either a judgement or a call to action.

In the case of judgement, you are stating that you agree or disagree with a statement and your
reasons for agreement or disagreement.

If you disagree with someone, it should be because:

 They are uninformed (lacking information),

 Misinformed (based on wrong information),
 Their reasoning is flawed (they draw wrong or erroneous conclusions from the basic
information),
 or they are incomplete in their analysis.

If you disagree with someone the burden is on you to clearly state why.

There is no point in just stating "I disagree" - that is just being mindlessly contentious.

Personal attacks and manipulation will also not have any place for even consideration to be
responded to; I've provided a lengthy list outlining several common forms of manipulation in speech
that are apparent in the world, serving to demonstrate further to you that as stupid as you probably
think I am, you're wrong.

If you agree with someone and find it worth saying so, it also does not hurt to state why.

In the case of a call to action, you are stating what should be done or not be done and your reasons
why.

Don't forget that even thinking through what you want to communicate doesn't inherently mean it's
worth my time to deal with either.
Manipulation

I'm writing this book using truth and in pursuit of truth. I've had people try to manipulate me enough
in my life that I'm well aware of all the tactics. My patience for such bullshit has run thin. If you're
even considering doing any of the following things in communication with me, not only are you an
idiot, but you can also go fuck yourself.

1. Carry your opponent's proposition beyond its natural limits; exaggerate it.

The more general your opponent's statement becomes, the more objections you can find against it.

The more restricted and narrow your own propositions remain, the easier they are to defend.

2. Use different meanings of your opponent's words to refute his argument.

Example:

Person A says, "You do not understand the mysteries of philopsychology."

Person B replies, "Oh, if it's mysteries you're talking about, I'll have nothing to do with them."

3. Ignore your opponent's proposition, which was intended to refer to some particular thing.

Rather, understand it in some quite different sense, and then refute it.

Attack something different than what was asserted.

4. Hide your conclusion from your opponent until the end.

Mingle your premises here and there in your talk. Get your opponent to agree to them in no definite
order. By this circuitous route you conceal your goal until you have reached all the admissions
necessary to reach your goal.

If the opponent grants you the truth of some of your premises, refrain from asking them to agree to
your conclusion. Later, introduce your conclusions as a settled and admitted fact.

If your opponent has admitted to all or most of your premises, do not ask them directly to accept
your conclusion; rather, draw the conclusion yourself as if it too had been admitted.

Your opponent and others in attendance may come to believe that your conclusion was admitted.

5. Use your opponent's beliefs against him.

If your opponent refuses to accept your premises, use his own premises to your advantage.

If the opponent is a member of an organization or a religious sect to which you do not belong, you
may employ the declared opinions of this group against the opponent.
When your opponent puts forth a proposition, find it inconsistent with his or her other statements,
beliefs, actions or lack of action.

Examples:

Should your opponent defend suicide, you may at once exclaim, "Why don't you hang yourself?"

Should the opponent maintain that his city is an unpleasant place to live, you may say, "Why don't
you leave on the first plane?"

6. Confuse the issue by changing your opponent's words or what he or she seeks to prove.

Example:

Call something by a different name: "good repute" instead of "honor," "virtue" instead of "virginity,"
"red-blooded" instead of "vertebrates".

7. State your proposition and show the truth of it by asking the opponent many questions.

By asking many wide-reaching questions at once, you may hide what you want to get admitted.

Then you quickly propound the argument resulting from the proponent's admissions.

8. Make your opponent angry.

An angry person is less capable of using judgement or perceiving where his or her advantage lies.

Contradiction and contention irritate a person into exaggerating their statements. By contradicting
your opponent you may drive him into extending the statement beyond its natural limit. When you
then contradict the exaggerated form of it, you look as though you had refuted the original statement.

Contrarily, if your opponent tries to extend your own statement further than your intended, redefine
your statement's limits and say, "That is what I said, no more."

Should your opponent surprise you by becoming particularly angry at an argument, you must urge it
with all the more zeal.

No only will this make your opponent angry, but it will appear that you have put your finger on the
weak side of his case and your opponent is more open to attack on this point than you expected.

9. Use your opponent's answers to your question to reach different or even opposite
conclusions.

10. If you opponent answers all your questions negatively and refuses to grant you any
points, ask him or her to concede the opposite of your premises.

This may confuse the opponent as to which point you actually seek him to concede.
11. If the argument turns upon general ideas with no particular names, you must use
language or a metaphor that is favorable to your proposition.

Example:

What an impartial person would call "public worship" or a "system of religion" is described by an
adherent as "piety" or "godliness" and by an opponent as "bigotry" or "superstition."

In other words, inset what you intend to prove into the definition of the idea.

12. To make your opponent accept a proposition, you must give him an opposite, counter-
proposition as well.

If the contrast is glaring, the opponent will accept your proposition to avoid being paradoxical.

Example:

If you want him to admit that a boy must do everything that his father tells him to do, ask him,
"whether in all things we must obey or disobey our parents."

Or, if a thing is said to occur "often" you are to understand few or many times, the opponent will say
"many."

It is as though you were to put gray next to black and call it white; or gray next to white and call it
black.

13. Try to bluff your opponent.

If he or she has answered several of your questions without the answers turning out in favor of your
conclusion, advance your conclusion triumphantly, even if it does not follow.

If your opponent is shy or stupid, and you yourself possess a great deal of impudence and a good
voice, the technique may succeed.

14. If you wish to advance a proposition that is difficult to prove, put it aside for the moment.

Instead, submit for your opponent's acceptance or rejection some true proposition, as though you
wished to draw your proof from it.

Should the opponent reject it because he suspects a trick, you can obtain your triumph by showing
how absurd the opponent is to reject an obviously true proposition.

Should the opponent accept it, you now have reason on your side for the moment.

You can try to prove your original proposition; as in bluffing, maintain that your original proposition is
proved by what your opponent accepted.

For this an extreme degree of impudence is required, but experience shows cases of it succeeding.
15. If your opponent presses you with a counter-proof, you will often be able to save yourself
by advancing some subtle distinction.

Try to find a second meaning or an ambiguous sense for your opponent's idea.

16. If your opponent has taken up a line of argument that will end in your defeat, you must not
allow him to carry it to its conclusion.

Interrupt the dispute, break it off altogether, or lead the opponent to a different subject.

If your opponent asks you to admit something from which the point in dispute will immediately follow,
you must refuse to do so, declaring that it begs the question.

17. Should your opponent expressly challenge you to produce any objection to some definite
point in his argument, and you have nothing to say, try to make the argument less specific.

Example:

If you are asked why a particular hypothesis cannot be accepted, you may speak of the fallibility of
human knowledge, and give various illustrations of it.

18. When your opponent uses an argument that is superficial and you see the falsehood, you
can refute it by setting forth its superficial character.

But it is better to meet the opponent with a counter-argument that is just as superficial, and so
dispose of him.

For it is with victory that you are concerned, not with truth.

Example: If the opponent appeals to prejudice, emotion or attacks you personally, return the attack
in the same manner.

19. State a false syllogism.

Your opponent makes a proposition, and by false inference and distortion of his ideas you force from
the proposition other propositions that are not intended and that appear absurd.

It then appears that opponent's proposition gave rise to these inconsistencies, and so appears to be
indirectly refuted.

20. If your opponent is making a generalization, find an instance to the contrary.

Only one valid contradiction is needed to overthrow the opponent's proposition.

Example:

"All ruminants are horned," is a generalization that may be upset by the single instance of the camel.
21. Turn the tables and use your opponent's arguments against them.

Example:

Your opponent declares: "so and so is a child, you must make an allowance for him."

You retort, "Just because he is a child, I must correct him; otherwise he will persist in his bad habits."

22. When the audience consists of individuals (or a person) who is not an expert on a subject,
you make an invalid objection to your opponent who seems to be defeated in the eyes of the
audience.

This strategy is particularly effective if your objection makes your opponent look ridiculous or if the
audience laughs.

If your opponent must make a long, winded and complicated explanation to correct you, the
audience will not be disposed to listen to him.

23. If you find that you are being beaten, you can create a diversion.

You can suddenly begin to talk of something else, as though it had a bearing on the matter in
dispute.

This may be done without presumption if the diversion has some general bearing on the matter.

24. Make an appeal to authority rather than reason.

If your opponent respects an authority or an expert, quote that authority to further your case.

If needed, quote what the authority said in some other sense or circumstance.

Authorities that your opponent fails to understand are those which they generally admire the most.

You may also, should it be necessary, not only twist your authorities, but actually falsify them, or
quote something that you have entirely invented yourself.

25. If you know that you have no reply to the arguments that your opponent advances, you by
a fine stroke of irony declare yourself to be an incompetent judge.

Example:

"What you say passes my poor powers of comprehension; it may well be all very true, but I can't
understand it, and I refrain from any expression of opinion on it."

In this way you insinuate to the audience, with whom you are in good repute, that what your
opponent says is nonsense.
This technique may be used only when you are quite sure that the audience thinks much better of
you than your opponent.

26. A quick way of getting rid of an opponent's assertion, or of throwing suspicion on it, is by
putting it into some odious category.

Example:

You can say, "That is fascism" or "atheism" or "superstition."

In making an objection of this kind you take for granted:

1. The assertion or question is identical with, or at least contained in, the category cited.
2. The system referred to has been entirely refuted by the current audience.

27. You admit your opponent's premises but deny the conclusion.

Example:

"That's all very well in theory, but it won't work in practice."

28. When you state a question or argument and your opponent tries to avoid responding,
push harder.

If your opponent gives you no direct answer, evades it with a counter question, or tries to change the
subject, it is a sure sign you have touched a weak spot, sometimes without intending to do so. You
have, as it were, reduced your opponent to silence.

You must urge the point all the more and not let your opponent evade it, even when you do not know
where the weakness that you have hit upon really lies.

29. Instead of working on an opponent's intellect or the rigor of his arguments, work on his
motive.

If you succeed in making your opponent's opinion, should it prove true, seem distinctly prejudicial to
his own interest, he will drop it immediately.

Example:

A clergyman is defending some philosophical dogma.

You show him that his proposition contradicts a fundamental doctrine of his church.

He will abandon the argument.

30. You may also puzzle and bewilder your opponent by mere bombast.
If your opponent is weak or does not wish to appear as if he has no idea what your are talking about,
you can easily impose upon him some argument that sounds very deep or learned, or that sounds
indisputable.

31. Should your opponent be in the right but, luckily for you, choose a faulty proof, you can
easily refute it and then claim that you have refuted the whole position.

This is the way in which bad advocates lose good cases. If no accurate proof occurs to your
opponent, you have won.

32. Become personal, insulting and rude as soon as you perceive that your opponent has the
upper hand.

In becoming personal, you leave the subject altogether and turn your attack on the person by
remarks of an offensive and spiteful character.

This is a very popular technique, because it takes so little skill to put it into effect.

"I don't care"

If you can't make the effort to be understood in the first place, don't be surprised when you get
ignored or logically decimated. If you can't make the effort to communicate content that's rational,
well-structured, and free of manipulation, you shouldn't be expecting anything different either.

If you just "don't care" if what you're communicating is understood or if you are legible or coherent to
anyone reading it, then why bother in the first place?

If you just "don't care" if what you're communicating is rational and has place to be considered in a
fashion free of emotional bias, of which is already so painfully inherently present in any individual
with an active ego regardless which in and of itself acts as a barrier to communication, why expect
any kind of functionally effective outcome?

If you're a dumbass, a prick, or both, and you think you deserve to be able to inflict your toxic
communication upon me, go do something more productive with yourself, like stick a butter knife into
an electric socket or take a nice swig from your nearest bottle of Ultra Clorox. It'll be far more
immediately effective at your ultimate goal of being self-destructive.

The same goes to all the people that immediately jump on every person that may attempt to
genuinely understand and possibly even defend my position. Ignorance, arrogance, and petty nit-
picking criticism don't make you smart nor right, they just make you egotistical.

Kindergarten dismissed!
 Following
In writing a book with such an undoubtedly powerful impact to those that read and understand it with
reasonable proficiency, one may very likely be left contemplating on the nature of my desires as they
relate to having a following of others that seek acceptance and approval from me, for whatever
reasoning that drives them to such.

Let's start by giving a brief understanding of the word "cult" as presented by Wikipedia at the time
this book is being written:

In modern English, the term cult has usually been used in reference to a
social group that is defined by its unusual religious, spiritual, or
philosophical beliefs, or by its common interest in a particular personality,
object or goal. This sense of the term is controversial and it has divergent
definitions both in popular culture and academia and it has also been an
ongoing source of contention among scholars across several fields of study.
It is usually considered pejorative.

Based on this understanding, we can easily realize the following two things:

1. A lot more people are in a cult than you'd think, and perhaps in multiple at the same time.
2. Pretty much nobody actually wants to admit it.

Essentially, depending on how far-reaching of a scope you define as sufficient qualifying criteria,
combined with what you may consider "unusual", pretty much anyone that stands for anything
significant at all in this life is part of some kind of "cult".

In this sense, given that I'm the world leader in the field of philopsychology, which is the study of the
nature of reality as it pertains to its implications in human nature and behavior, one may consider
that I'm the leader of a cult; the cult of accurately quantifying objective reality and responding in the
utmost mature fashion which is most congruent with it.

Since most people in today's society are ignorant clowns and even adults are often practically
children in a grown body, being a truly deeply intellectual and mature being with far-reaching
knowledge and goals with a foundation that is highly ambitious but also just as objectively
quantifiable as valid and practical is indeed quite unusual from a religious, spiritual, and
philosophical standpoint. Even under a more strict definition, because of the culture of today's
society to be so ignorant and dogmatic, simply being truly mature and objectively realistic has
literally achieved cult status.
The essence of the driving force that compels me to do this isn't some selfish desire for money,
fame, power, sex, social status, or any of the things that, while nice to have, are most likely what
would be the fundamental driving force for the vast majority of other people on this planet to write
something like this book. Rather, I'm much more interested in simply being understood and treated
fairly. It just so happens that being understood and treated fairly, given my true position which is
being conveyed through this book, includes many desirable things such as money, fame, and social
status. For the most part though, those things don't hold much interest nor appeal for me. The
intimacy with Kimi sounds really good though.

That being said, many would surely have a strong opposition to my assertion that I'm not part of a
cult nor am I creating or even attempting to create one. Well, in order to diffuse this resistance to the
furthest extent reasonably possible, given that it's extremely emotionally fueled and only a
reasonably intellectual, rational, level-headed person could actually be reasoned into understanding
that it's not, the best possible approach to take is that of rationally deconstructing what a cult is, the
nature of why they are created, and how precisely my views and goals are considerably in
misalignment with the formation of a cult. Intentionally so, of course.

First of all, let's take a look at the most strict definition of what a cult is:

A system of religious veneration and devotion directed toward a particular

figure or object.

Next, let's take a look at "religion":

A particular system of faith and worship.

Next, "faith":

Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Next, "worship":

The feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity.

And finally, "adoration":

Deep love and respect.

As such, an intellectual individual can draw the conclusion that a cult has a systematic foundation in
the dogmatic following of beliefs held towards a particular figure or object with complete conviction
and without completely objectively quantifiable validation being necessary, with the feeling or
expression of deep love and respect for the aforementioned.

Although it's a term I don't like using because it's extremely ambiguous by nature due to the
openness in interpretation of its definition, I consider myself a realist. Let's take a look at the
definition:

A person who accepts a situation as it is and is prepared to deal with it

accordingly.

Due to the dynamic nature of the space-time continuum, the only functionally effective position to
take in regards to the nature of reality is that it's fundamentally probabilistic. This involves
acceptance that it's possible reality is actually deterministic, while maintaining the awareness that
the acceptance of the possibility isn't functionally effective to contemplate upon.

This foundational understanding is in complete contradiction with the formation of dogmatic beliefs
and actually encourages actively against devotion toward any particular figure or object. From a
strict technical perspective, being a pure realist is the furthest thing possible from being in a cult.

I don't seek acolytes. There's nothing I'm celebrating and I don't consider myself religious. I can
appreciate the value of being helped by people, but if I ever am helped by others, it's from a friendly
position and not one of pretenses of some form of duty that comes along with being a follower.

Cults trap people by making them feel like there's no world outside the world they've come to know
inside. You can even literally draw a parallel here with prison to a frightening extent as an example.
Yet another point to support that realism is not a cult is because it employs objective reasoning that
encompasses every aspect of reality in truth, meaning that there is indeed no world outside of it, but
not because there is a facade and excessive effort to maintain such an illusion; rather because when
encompassing every aspect of life, there truly is no world outside of that.

At no point do I expect you to "just trust me" when I make assertions about objective reality in the
context of philopsychology; it only deals with objectively quantifiable facts.

Cult leaders exaggerate, warp reality, and make promises that they either can't deliver at all or that
have additional considerations and conditions that they neglect to bring appropriate attention to. The
entire foundation of realism is that its primary aim is to remain completely objectively accurate and
seeking complete freedom from any subjective bias; to attempt to exaggerate or warp reality in any
way while encouraging such a mentality would be a ridiculously futile endeavor.

As far as promises go, promising I'll single-handedly destroy the world if circumstances don't start
working towards my favor isn't a promise that's being made to earn the favor of anyone as a follower
and in fact would deter people from doing so much more than encourage them. Additionally, my
primary goal in writing this book is to clarify things to the point that there are no additional
considerations nor conditions that I've neglected to bring attention to in regards to the subject matter
being presented.

Cults prey on the weak. Convince them that they're missing something and that only they have the
answer to give them what they need. I don't need to do that. Not everyone needs to rid themselves
of active ego in order to live lives that they find satisfying and fulfilling. One doesn't need to have a
complete lack of active ego in order to function considerably well at a wide variety of occupations or
hobbies.

It's very possible to only rid oneself of active ego to the extent that it's severely dysfunctional, not
using any real form of deep understanding of the nature of reality, and live their life in a positive
manner. The understanding and application of philopsychology finds specific usefulness under more
difficult life circumstances where individuals have to deal with a lot more than what is considered
"normal" in today's society, and as such, would actually likely be of little significance to a very
"normal" person in and of itself.

"Normal" people don't deserve quantum energy arts abilities. That's why they'll never get them.

There's a big difference between a truly negative situation being spun in order to manipulate people
into thinking it's a positive, and a situation that is actually positive but had negative precursors
necessitated in the process. I fully accept that the situation as it currently stands is a negative one,
and it will only become positive under the right circumstances. Unless the right changes occur that
effectively turn this situation from a negative one into a positive one, it remains entirely a negative
situation.
Bullying

A bully overrides people. Ignores them. Then when they feel threatened, they get mean.

I'm sure that based on this understanding, a lot of people would probably claim that I'm actually
being a massive bully in writing this book, because it may come off like I'm trying to do that to
humanity has a whole; I can say that I would have no issue with admitting that in a way that very well
might be true. I very well could be considered a big bully here as far as many people are concerned,
and I can understand where they're coming from, but from my perspective, I really don't think I am
and I have solid reasoning to be holding that view.

If the statement that I'm not being a bully at all really doesn't sit well with you, perhaps you'd better
understand the statement that perhaps I'm being a bully, however it's extremely justified and in self-
defense. Whether or not bullying remains bullying if it's in self-defense of being bullied yourself can
be open to your own interpretation.

What's really bullying is when something of an unsettling nature is done purely to boost someone's
ego, as in what's being said doesn't necessarily have to be true at all. Basically, it's not said in the
pursuit of truth, or necessarily even any kind of positive progression towards the future, but rather it's
said to bring a person or group down in order to bring another up. In the case of true bullying, it's
done to abuse the power one might have, usually in social status, and basically boost their ego using
that power that they have, at the cost of someone else's emotional and possibly also physical state.

What I'm doing is presenting the truth to the best of my ability in pursuit of a full understanding of the
overall greater truth. Not to try to simply override the truth or the feelings of someone else, but rather
to simply be able to very clearly see the truth of what the thoughts and feelings of other people are.
Right now, I just don't know what the truth that other people see really is exactly, and I'm choosing to
believe it's because people are unaware of a lot of the things that I'm aware of and don't pursue
finding things out actively enough or at all.

From my mature perspective, it's far too difficult for me to tell exactly how people will end up reacting
upon being made more aware of the things that I see and know without me doing something like
this.

By no means does this boost my ego; everything I'm saying in this book is stuff that I already know.
It doesn't make me feel any better just to be writing it down either; the knowledge doesn't change in
writing it down. Furthermore, I'm trying to reach a positive outcome for everyone involved in what I'm
stating in this book, as opposed to carelessly throwing my knowledge and/or emotions around and
not caring in the slightest if it's going to hurt people and simply trying to feel good about myself in the
most aggressive way possible.
While many may assert that what I'm doing when writing this book is actually probably the biggest
kind of bullying ever possible, it's actually quite the opposite. When it's actually put into perspective,
any reasonably intelligent individual should be able to quite easily see that what would really be
bullying is if I simply went into isolation without even writing this book, then came out two or three
years later without having given anyone a chance to make things right and stop me from pursuing
complete destruction like that, then I started just killing people for fun and flaunting my power to
eventually bring complete destruction to everything.

By contrast, my very mature, healthy, and intellectual approach of writing this book therefore actually
becomes the furthest thing from bullying that I could possibly be doing, as it's being done in the
hopes that I can actually achieve my ideals and have the best possible outcome from the situation
for everyone as opposed to the extremely destructive future that undoubtedly awaits if I didn't do so
or if nothing changes in the situation.

It can't be argued that I should simply do neither writing this book nor destroy the world, because
then that means I'm letting the world bully me and I'd certainly end up committing suicide out of
severe depression that would have absolutely no real and permanent cure. Let's once again take a
look at the description of bullying I gave a little while ago.

A bully overrides people. Ignores them. Then when they feel threatened, they get mean.

This perfectly describes what people do every time I mention my position as Permanent Chief of the
Shadow Confederation and the kind of power that I have. They override my assertion by attempting
to drastically underplay the significance of my position. They ignore the relevance that who I am and
have worked so hard to deserve and maintain has, to not only my own life but theirs and the rest of
the world. Then, when they feel threatened as I undoubtedly become upset from their bullying
behavior, they become mean to me.

People read that description and jump to call me a bully without hesitation, but ever so conveniently
dismiss the bullying that they themselves are doing to me which drives my behavior that they are
unsettled by in the first place.

It's certainly not bullying to be pursuing the truth and a positive outcome under circumstances where
I'm the one actually being bullied. The only reason my approach is more aggressive is because I'm
actually a very powerful person, despite how all the disrespect everyone gives me would make it
seem.

In truth, I'd actually be taking a much more aggressive route if I wasn't such a mature and mentally
stable individual.
Support System

Anyone in your life that is invested in you, anyone that you interact with regularly, anyone that has
reason to find value in your existence for one reason or another, you can consider in some capacity
essentially part of your own following. Your following, of course on an individual basis, while being in
varying capacities, as a whole forms your support system.

Your support system undoubtedly has a greatly significant impact in your life, largely because it
serves to both modulate your emotional and intellectual state and capabilities, as well as provide you
with opportunities to change your life. In fact, if you really think about it, you can consider that a lot of
interactions that you may have on a regular basis for a large part essentially involve the exchange of
ideas on how to change, and hopefully usually improve, one's life.

There may be a lot of things that you want to change. It depends on your interests and your goals, of
course if you even really have any, and if you don't then perhaps changing your life involves
acquiring some interests. Regardless, change is a very fundamental part of growth and your life and
the influence that other people are going to have in that is of course of varying capacities depending
on exactly the nature of your social interaction and the way that you view and interact with the world.

Whether you have a very flourishing social life, you're very isolated and alienated from society, or
you fall somewhere in the middle where you have something resembling of a reasonably healthy
social life but you're also not heavily involved and still choose to keep to yourself to a very real
capacity as well, essentially each scenario is still going to result in your following and especially your
close support system having a very significant influence on your life.

Whether your following is very small to non-existent, massive and spans thousands or even millions
of people, or it's simply your friends, family, and possibly coworkers, the quality of your relationships
and the size of your following are two big factors that are going to determine the degree of change
that can be provided by you to your following and also the extent that they can provide you with
opportunities to change your life.
Interaction

I've been through a lot of very negative social interactions, especially with both my parents with all
the abusive arguments and fighting that ultimately got nowhere but stressed me out a lot, upset me,
and made me really angry and sad. As a result, I really had a tendency not to enjoy social interaction
very much in general with anyone regardless of who it was. I'd always end up thinking back to those
traumas and just feel so pessimistic towards life and have such an inclination to have a disdain for
human interaction, so I always kind of had a tendency to feel uncomfortable dealing with people and
feeling like I shouldn't even interact at all because I don't really have something to offer to other
people that they're going to enjoy.

At the same time, my intense depression and just general hopelessness feelings that I've had have
also very regularly driven me to try to see why I haven't killed myself already. The answer that I
come to is that as of this point I still have hope that I do actually have something positive to offer the
world. I feel like it can be a sentiment that most can understand that we all have something to offer
each other and that if that is to be true then maybe I do have something good to offer the world for
all the pain that I have had to go through.

It's that belief that keeps me going and keeps me wanting to try to see if that's true, culminating in
this book.

As a result, I'm going to know whether I really do have something good to offer the world or not
based on what kind of results I get from writing it; whether or not I actually get the results that I want
and need if I'm not to destroy the world in the future.

It's the belief that I do, despite how scary the title of this book is and despite how scary my position
may seem, that drives me to do what I'm doing, instead of just going into isolation already and
ending the world. I feel like that's something that a lot of people very easily neglect to realize or
understand, probably because of the complexity of my personality in general due to what kind of a
life I've had to live.

I can understand that some people are trying to give me advice because they also have this kind of
notion that we all have something we can offer each other. They think that the best they have to offer
me is trying to give me advice that they think is best for me, but that they don't understand is actually
really bad advice for me.

In that capacity, I can understand the behavior of some others that I don't find as helpful, and I can
see why perhaps I could appreciate their efforts, because I don't believe that every single person
that ever tries to give me advice is simply a manipulative malicious sociopath. However, at the same
time, I think that understanding one's capabilities and how skilled and equipped you are to deal with
trying to offer something good to others is basically just as important as your intent to do so,
otherwise your positive intent can actually have very harmful and negative consequences.

To that extent, I believe that it should serve as a valuable lesson to anyone with good intent but
vastly insufficient capabilities to help me that tries to give me advice, so they can reflect and
hopefully realize that they shouldn't jump to try to give advice regardless of how poorly equipped
they may be to do so in a positive and actually helpful manner.

Blind optimism and blind pessimism are both dangerous and damaging on a fundamental level.
While they do work out for many people to achieve their goals in many situations, that tends to leave
an impact, particularly in individuals with active ego, who get validation fed to them. This makes it
that much worse in situations where the fundamental weakness of these views results in a negative
or undesirable outcome. The effects of this can be devastating to some individuals, depending on
the circumstances.
Future

There's no set of circumstances where I both don't get Kimi and don't end up going into isolation and
destroying the world. If I don't get Kimi, that means that the world is not giving me the level of
respect that I deserve for my power and abilities, therefore I need to demonstrate it in the only way
possible left that would give me any degree of satisfaction, which is going into isolation and
destroying everything when I come out. If the world is to give me the respect I deserve and
recognize that I am indeed fucking awesome, then there's absolutely no reason why I should ever
have to give up on Kimi.

I'll give up on Kimi if we're not officially dating before the end of this year, but there's already no good
reason I ever have to move on from her, nor will there ever be. I never will move on from her. If
society thinks I have to move on from her and that's the final verdict, then I'm moving on from
society. In the same fashion that nobody cared about me in trying to convince me to move on when I
shouldn't, I won't care about anyone when I come back to destroy everything and everyone.

The completion and release of this book is going to mark the end of something for me in my life. I'm
not sure whether that's going to be the end of all my perpetual suffering, misery, hating life and
everyone else in life, and being drastically underwhelmed, disrespected, unappreciated, and
unsatisfied with everything I've ever done and got in life despite my immense efforts, or if it's going to
be the end of me trying to care about anything ever again, having tried my hardest to do everything
in my power to avoid becoming completely destructive and yet ending up in the world simply
deciding that it is my fate to destroy everything instead.

Basically, it's either the end of my immense suffering or it's the end of the immense suffering that
desperately hoping that there is an actual end to my immense suffering that isn't extremely
destructive has been causing. Either my position is so miserable that not only is it as bad as I'm so
worried it is but I'm also destined to desperately be given just enough hope to believe that it's not
until it all comes crashing down and I realize it's actually terrible, so it's even worse because I was
literally on a leash desperately hoping and trying my hardest to be constructive to the last moment
until I could actually just completely clearly see that I was being the stupidest motherfucker on the
planet, or it was a massive struggle and I was really miserable while I was going through it, but it
was all worth it in the end and I'm going to get my dream to come true.

I started writing this book thinking that Kimi had just been messing with me and she'd finally had
enough amusement from me and was getting ready to finally kick me out of her life for good, but she
surprised me. As she continued to show seemingly more and more serious affection, my hope that
it's possible she loves me remained.
She started expressing such desire that I felt it was necessary to open up more than I ever had
before to see how she'd react, directly communicating to her via her personal email address that I
have. I thought she'd be disgusted and it would end any possibility for a loving connection, but she
ended up being really receptive to my messages about touching myself to her. She even went out of
her way on multiple occasions after I started this direct communication to do things that I specifically
told her would be really arousing to me. She seems to be a lot more receptive and warm to my
intimacy towards her than I ever thought she would be. It really seems almost like a dream to me,
and at the same time it makes so much sense.

Her reaction to my communication with her leading up to the release of this book is actually
continuing to give me hope that I may not have to fucking destroy the world in the end and that I'll
actually get my dream relationship and life with Kimi instead. Either that's happening because it's
actually true and I really do have a chance to actually get what I've always wanted and be in an
extremely loving and healthy relationship with Kimi in my life forever, or it's her being a massive bitch
and life kicking me when I'm already down even harder, me being led even more than I already have
in so much of my life to believe that I have reason to hope for a good outcome when really there isn't
one; if it's the latter, it's the last time that life manipulates me into thinking that it's not as shit as I've
been disillusioned into my perspective being that it truly is.

I'm writing this book with the complete intention to follow through on officially dating Kimi if she
chooses to pursue a romantic relationship with me, exactly in the same fashion that I have the
complete intention to follow through on going into complete isolation to meditate extensively using
quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques in preparation to single-handedly destroy the
entire world.

I really can't tell which is the case but only know that so far, at least emotionally, I feel better about
getting what I want being a reality than I did before I started writing this book, when I was really with
extremely low hope that it could ever happen. For all the uncertainty I face, what I know is that I
really want what I want, and even though I went through so much, I still don't think that it wouldn't be
worth it if I actually get what I want in the end, so I'm just left really hoping that I get what I want
because that's what I wanted this whole time.

I don't want to have to end the world, I just know that I definitely will if I don't get what I want and
therefore become absolutely certain that I'll definitely never be anything close to happy. All that
leaves me with is the hope that the world doesn't want to be destroyed, and that if there's some
notion of destiny to be believed that it is in my destiny that I get to be in that very loving relationship
with Kimi that I've wanted for years instead of having to destroy everything.
Without Kimi, my life is literally worse than that of a starving kid in Africa with AIDS. The starving kid
in Africa with AIDS knows their life is short, knows their capabilities are limited, and knows that they
just have to try their hardest to survive and just find happiness in the little things in life. I've been
unfortunate enough to have an insane struggle while having just enough to still at least have the
hope that things get better constantly dangling in front of my face, while very clearly having to deal
daily with the fact that things aren't actually getting any better. I put in an immense effort every single
day of my life to take my shitty as fuck circumstances and try to turn things around, because I saw
hope, I saw potential, and I made goals and dreams. I took my desires and I busted my ass every
single day trying to achieve them, and yet I'm not seeing any real fruits of my labor whatsoever. It's
been like this for far too long now, and this book is my final attempt. I've made up my mind and it's
never changing.

Unlike a kid in Africa, not only did I actually try insanely hard to change my life around, I actually very
seemingly had potential to do so. If a kid in Africa can't escape their circumstances, people pity them
and believe they're just really unlucky. But if I can't escape my circumstances, I'm just a pathetic,
lazy, incompetent piece of shit. If despite all my potential and all my immense efforts, I still just get
crushed and now not only did I not get anything I wanted but I had to try so hard only to fail just as
hard, I literally am in a more unfortunate situation than a kid in Africa because that kid never tried
and never failed, or if they did try, they didn't really have much potential to begin with, so if they
failed, it's not going to be soul-crushing, it'll simply be something they accepted as the probable
reality before even trying.

I'm trying my absolute hardest, and if I can try so hard and get so far and yet I still failed like hell,
now I would end up far more devastated than that kid in Africa could ever experience devastation.
Someone born into really unfortunate circumstances may feel unlucky, they may feel hopeless, they
may feel helpless, they may feel scared, sad, angry; they may feel many kinds of negative emotions,
but the kind of devastation that you would feel from seeing so much potential, having so much hope,
trying so fucking hard, and failing so fucking miserably is such an immense pain that simply being
hopeless in the first place, even as bad as it is, could never compare.
Scope

Once this book is finished and released, I'm not going to simply share it with Kimi and then just hope
that Kimi gives me exposure. That, of course, is a terrible plan; if I couldn't rely on Kimi thus far, it'd
be unacceptably foolish of me to put so much effort into producing such an advanced piece of
literature, only to hope that Kimi even actually gives a shit, and not only gives a shit but feels
comfortable or even at least necessitated to share the book with a wide audience. Additionally, I
don't want her to feel used or taken advantage of, because I certainly wasn't building up my
relationship with her intending to demand she makes me famous, nor do I have any intention of
pressuring her to make me famous any more than the content of this book naturally will pressure
her.

Part of my plan to get this book attention involves informing several people, including government
organizations, about its release and the implications to the world that it has. I've already long
informed Kimi that I'm going to do this.

Here's the message I'm sending to the FBI, carefully formed to be clear and concise while also fitting
under the 2,000 character limit available in the details box in the tip submission area of their website:

I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation. I'm the only one with a
core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension. A master at
philopsychology and a tier 3 quantum energy arts practitioner.

In simple terms, I'm the ruler of this shitty planet.

My book might be hundreds of pages long, but my threat is simple. I'm going
to single-handedly destroy the entire world with tier 3 quantum energy arts
using advanced level quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques. Even
the Asian neikung practitioners in the mountains are only tier 1 quantum
energy arts users and will be entirely incapable of defeating or even
seriously challenging my power, even the higher level ones.

There is only one condition that can prevent this fate for the world, and
although you cannot directly facilitate the necessary circumstances, I'm
informing your helpless organization of the forecoming procedure.

The Shadow Confederation has threat actors ready across North America. This
includes the US and Canada.
If this book doesn't get national attention before it's too late, these
threat actors will be granted permission to do as they please at their
leisure. In the meanwhile, I'll be retreating into total isolation away from
society to proceed with intense 15+ hour days including exclusively
meditation, in preparation to single-handedly destroy the world within two to
three years.

There's a lot for you ignorant idiots to read and not much time. Better
hurry.

Think about this for a moment, if the FBI gets this message along with a link to a PDF of a several
hundred page book about why someone claims they're ruler of the planet and they're going to single-
handedly destroy the world soon, even if they consider the claim laughable and probably think it's a
joke or a prank or something, they're still going to be concerned and intrigued enough that they're
going to want to read the entire book. It goes without saying that such a claim is definitely at least on
the threat level of something like a terrorist manifesto, and as such, these kinds of things are always
taken very seriously, especially when they are sent directly to the FBI.

I'm so confident in my position and so firm that I'll maintain it no matter what that I'm very much
willing to submit this piece to such entities myself, completely willingly, because I want their
attention. I want them to know what's going on. I want them to know that the world could be ending
before their very eyes and they're basically too stupid and ignorant to even see it and believe it and
care about it and that they're too incompetent to do anything about it even if they wanted to, so they
can actually start to see that they're not as great and powerful as they think they are. That alone
serves to start either the gain of my respect in this world and the positive upswing of my influence in
this life, or it serves as the beginning of my global reign of terror.

Even if this book doesn't make the news, the FBI will be very concerned after reading it all, and they
should be.

In either scenario, it's going to achieve a very solid goal that I would be hoping to reach in writing
and completion of this book, so there's absolutely no reason whatsoever that I would not try my best
to maximize the exposure that I can get from this, and not starting from the general public, but rather
to actually important and powerful figures. I'm not just talking about Shadow Confederation chiefs,
I'm talking about very well known entities that the average person is aware of, so nobody can sit
there and call me delusional for even suggesting it. I'll make sure to send it to people that would
actually be shaken by the knowledge and implications of what I'm writing in this book.

Something very important to understand is that in writing this book, others should not seek to
attempt to influence me to change my position and try to change my life, but rather that this book
was written to influence others and try to change their lives, and that any changes in my life should
only be a ripple effect as a result of that, not out of all of those people trying to help me in some way
they have a preconceived notion will be helpful. Effectively, the only person in the entire world that I'll
actually want to talk to and be willing to accept any kind of help from, at least certainly initially, is
Kimi Park.

As long as you're over there thinking that I'm a dumbass that just doesn't see things clearly enough
and needs your help to see the light instead of understanding that you're the dumbass for thinking
I'm one and you're the one that actually needs my help to see the light, you're not going to make any
real progress in truly understanding my perspective and what the state of objective reality currently
actually is.
Gifted

In the case of delusions and other sensory illusions, typically one is brought to contemplation upon
such things as schizophrenia, which could be considered the most typical classification of a case of
considerable sensory illusions, especially to the point of rendering an individual largely or entirely
incapable of carrying through with a healthy, constructive, and more or less typical lifestyle.

No, I am not a licensed doctor, nor have I ever formally treated any such patients with any form of
diagnosed mental illness, however, based on my understanding of delusion and therefore by
extension general sensory illusion as a result of my research and findings in the field of
philopsychology, I have a theory about how such individuals may in some cases be cured from their
ailment.

This is certainly not going to be applicable to individuals that are considerably mentally handicapped
and more or less incapable of coherent and rational thought under pretty much any circumstances
whatsoever, as rational and coherent thought necessarily forms the foundation of this proposed cure
for said individuals. That being said, for the individuals that are not considerably mentally
handicapped to the point that they are incapable of significant rational thought, the very deep
understanding of philopsychology may possibly be used to mostly if not completely recover them
from their state of schizophrenia.

Essentially, one must seek intellectual, deep conversation with a schizophrenic individual in a
therapeutic environment and fashion which must be filled with patience, love, understanding,
empathy, kindness, and general sensitivity and care towards the individual and their obvious mental
state issues. The understanding of philopsychology must be applied to such extent that the
individual is regularly going through the five steps to identify objective reality and is constantly or to
the maximum extent of their abilities at regular intervals questioning reality critically and attempting
to understand why they are experiencing sensory illusions.

Philopsychology gives us the understanding that other than in extreme cases where a significant
biological influence is taking play and there is a severe chemical imbalance in the individual's body,
in cases where mental illness results from environmental factors, namely traumas throughout one's
life in ways such as abuse, abandonment, neglect, violence, etc, the individual may be able to
restore their mental state and end up largely if not entirely healed from the severe damage that the
traumas have caused them by very carefully questioning reality in a critical and functionally effective
manner.

Literally the only real requirement is a sufficient degree of capacity for critical thinking and the desire
and drive of the individual to actively pursue as much clear-headed critical thinking as they possibly
can on a regular basis in order to facilitate the increased groundedness of their mental state,
increasing awareness and ability to cope with and eventually neutralize sensory illusions resulting
from massive distortion of their active ego. Basically, by ridding themselves of their active ego using
the five steps to identify objective reality, they will be able to heal from their sensory illusions.

This comes as an understanding that is an extension of the typical use case scenario of the
knowledge of philopsychology, which can be used to provide more standard therapy towards
individuals that are less severely mentally handicapped, being used to ground an individual's
mentality and allowing them to see reality more clearly; as a result of that, any illness that results in a
distorted view of reality to any extent may possibly be treatable under different circumstances using
philopsychology. This understanding will usually be much more effective in treatment of issues such
as generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder.
Generally, the less severe the damage is, the more effectively it can be dealt with using the
methodology.

While there are no formal studies on philopsychology's effectiveness in treatment of the

aforementioned conditions, I can speak on its effectiveness in my personal experience. On a very
personal level, I myself used to have OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, and also most likely
borderline personality disorder, and after extensive application of the understandings from
philopsychology, I have healed from all of these conditions. I also suspect that due to all the traumas
I've had to endure, I'd likely have ended up schizophrenic and experiencing sensory illusions on a
regular basis that would certainly render me incapable of functioning and certainly render me
incapable of writing a book such as this, on top of my other issues, if I did not have the knowledge
that I do and apply on a regular basis from the field of philopsychology.

Once again from personal experience, I assert that it's possible not only to heal oneself from certain
mental ailments using the understandings from philopsychology, but that they may also end up with
special gifts afterwards as a result. The precise conditions within which this can happen are perhaps
difficult to determine, however the qualifying criteria for it is quantifiable. From thorough
internalization of these deep understandings, one may develop a sense of hyperacute awareness of
their emotional state and ability to observe their surroundings and situations they're going through in
their life. Such a sense must be very carefully evaluated for accuracy in order to differentiate it from
delusion, however under the circumstance that the individual notices such an awareness and is able
to objectively quantify and verify that it regularly accurately reflects the state of objective reality, they
can then rationally choose to attempt to utilize it under applicable contexts.
Pressure

"With great power comes great responsibility" is a quote that describes the position of considering
having a following of any kind from a clear-headed and appropriately mature standpoint quite well.
One thing that's often overlooked with a following is that it's not necessarily the size of the following
that determines the power given and responsibility necessary within which to use it as much as the
individuals within it.

Many individuals that have an active following of hundreds, thousands, or perhaps even millions of
people who are invested in their activities and progression through life believe themselves to be in a
position with massive pressure, because they feel like everyone's watching and they need to make
sure to present themselves a certain way. While I won't dismiss that such individuals certainly have
more pressure upon them with all of that following watching than if they didn't have it, the relevance
of pressure from a following as it relates to me is actually massive and much more significant than
most people realize.

In a nutshell, when comparing even my existing situation regarding having a following to that of an
individual that's famous/popular in a traditional sense, for example having hundreds of thousands or
millions of followers on a social media and/or content delivery platform, I essentially have to deal
with all of the negative points, while I get absolutely none of the positive points.

Having a large following ends up making one feel pressured to present themselves a certain way
because they start getting the notion that "people are always watching" and that practically every
single action they take is going to be judged and critiqued by their following, especially since the
more famous one becomes, the more obsessed fans they end up having. In a general sense, the
larger one gets, the harder it becomes for them to maintain a private life. This effect seems obvious
when one has several fans and a large public following, in this day and age typically displayed
through high numbers on social media.

I may not currently possess a large social media following, but there are certainly several individuals
that are invested in my life and what I do every day. In fact, while I don't currently have a large group
of mostly if not entirely regular people following my life and invested in me, several of the kind of
people that do follow my life and are invested in my decisions are very powerful and scary people
that have a lot of influence in the way the world operates. I'd argue that the pressure for me to be
responsible when put in the high focus of such globally significant individuals is actually much higher
than that of someone who simply is trying not to embarrass themselves and perhaps get memes
they don't like created of them or simply mocked for foolish things they do.
At the same time, I get absolutely none of the positive points of having all the pressure that being
followed by people who expect you to carry yourself a certain way and will judge you for anything
and everything you do is normally supposed to reward you with. I get very little positive public
recognition and validation of any form, and absolutely none that's actually in any way useful for
advancing my career or making any amount of money. My knowledge and strength of character only
alienates even the people that aren't antagonistically positioned towards me, because they aren't
sure of my intent nor how relevant parties will react and the resulting outcome of my actions. I try so
hard, put so much time and effort into working on myself and my career every single day, yet my
visible growth is very little if anything. I also continue to make very little if any money through all
these endeavors and must obtain it using other means I won't go into detail about here.

I have the power, I'm exercising the responsibility, but I'm entirely not getting any of the love and
respect that I deserve for my efforts. While others that have any kind of following generally have far
more people who follow them that support them in a generally positive manner and the haters are
effectively a small but simply visible vocal minority, in my case, pretty much all of the people that are
vocal at all that follow me are only doing so to directly attack my character and my goals and
effectively be extremely hateful towards me, and the few that see hope for me are still very uncertain
of my capabilities despite everything and remain distant and pretty much entirely unsupportive.

Having the kind of following that I have right now isn't even remotely worth it at all, and not having a
following at all after all my efforts would also be extremely unsatisfying and upsetting. If this is more
or less all I'm capable of ever getting in terms of a following and any support system I can truly find
meaningful, destroying the world in the future certainly sounds extremely appealing.
 Core Values
Understanding that reality is driven by the value assigned to different things carries with it the
understanding that there must be something, one thing, that an individual values above everything
else within the context of their existence. This is known as a core value.

There are 3 main brackets within which every possible core value falls under: bidirectional
apprehension, forwards-rationalized apprehension, and backwards-rationalized apprehension.
Bidirectional apprehension has a few variants which different core values are derived from, whereas
there is a whole pool of forwards and backwards-rationalized core values which can be either, based
on the perspective and context the individual is using as a reference frame when deriving value from
their core value, however are clearly distinguishable from bidirectional apprehension variants due to
their inherent quality to be either forward-facing or backward-facing but not account for a broader
perspective of both simultaneously.

A very important point to keep in mind is that with every imperfect core value, there is equal if not
greater force for the positively-oriented focus to conversely manifest itself as its negative
counterpart. I'll talk about several possible common forwards and backwards-rationalized
apprehension based core values and then break down each bidirectional apprehension variant all
the way up to the most powerful core value possible of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.

It's important to understand that the technical strength of a core value isn't intended to be stating that
every individual should aim for the strongest core value. Each person has their own life with their
own goals, path, obstacles, and luck, and it very well may not necessarily be suitable for every
individual to pursue having a more powerful core value. It's up to the individual to look at themselves
and the way they live their life and determine if they think there's good reason for them to want to
change the way they think and how exactly they believe they should go about doing so.

Guidance from someone very experienced in this area such as myself may be helpful to people who
decide they definitely want to change their core value, but in the end it's always up to the individual
to decide themselves if they truly believe they want to change their life in the first place. Without
sufficient willpower and receptivity to changing, even the most experienced cannot change a person.
Forwards and Backwards-Rationalized Apprehension

There are many core values that when considered in simple terms resolve to a backwards or
forwards-rationalized apprehension-based core value. These can be things such as:

 Family
 Friends
 Loyalty
 Money
 Sex
 Possessions
 Pride
 Fame/Social status
 Comfort
 Safety
 Simplicity
 Balance
 Fun
 Freedom

This isn't to say that you shouldn't seek these things or enjoy them in a general sense. Rather, it
means that valuing any of them the most in your life leads to a weak mindset. Generally speaking,
the stronger your core value is, the more of these lower level attributes you'll be able to acquire, and
do so with greater ease than otherwise.

Since the foundation of the mentality of these people is much weaker than that of those in the
bidirectional apprehension bracket, they are much less likely to become considerably successful in
life if they retain their existing core value and don't progress to at least some bidirectional
apprehension variant. This very well may still be sufficient for them to meet their personal goals and
achieve the lifestyle they desire, which is why as mentioned earlier it's inaccurate to make the
assertion that every person must strengthen their core value.

It takes considerably more willpower to obtain and maintain a core value within the bidirectional
apprehension bracket, so those that are more careless or perhaps even just less driven towards
greatness in life in general will remain here. Since nobody is simply born with exceptional critical
thinking abilities, one is always born thinking within the constraints of this tier of core values and
must actively work to break free from it and progress to a bidirectional apprehension variant if they
truly wish to grow mentally as a person, at least from a technical perspective. Otherwise, one can go
through their whole life never actually considerably improving mentally as a person.

Growing or changing as a person doesn't mean you're actually improving your mindset from a
technical perspective, it just means you may be thinking about different things or trying harder when
you think about them; this doesn't necessarily mean you're doing a better job at thinking in general
or that you're actually applying the things you're thinking about into the way you live your life.
Cold Indirect Bidirectional Apprehension

 Trust is valued the most.

 People with this core value can possibly be trusted greatly, although perhaps should be
trusted the least, especially if you're not extremely close with them.
 These kinds of people are easily one of the most dangerous and concerning of all the types,
because their tendency to focus on trust can lead one to feel a very deceiving degree of
familiarity with them, even when the person might not feel much if any warmth towards you
at all.
 Depending on your core value, people with this core value may be significantly compatible
with you, however these people are the greatest threat to and most strongly avoided by
individuals with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value.
 These people can be unreasonably stubborn regularly.
 They're prone to being the silently vengeful and spiteful type.
 The result is someone probably very untrustworthy at a core level.
Warm Indirect Bidirectional Apprehension

 Honesty is valued the most.

 People with this core value can possibly be extremely honest, although perhaps may also be
extremely dishonest and deceptive, especially if you're not extremely close with them.
 These kinds of people are actually much more preferable to an individual with refined pure
bidirectional apprehension as a core value compared to their cold variant counterpart, as
they are often much more transparent with their dishonesty than an individual with the cold
counterpart.
 Prone to being seen as quite gullible by many others, but also have the ability to easily
confuse others sometimes as well.
 The result is someone probably very dishonest at a core level.

These people can at times be too thoughtless and at other times too anxious and paranoid. It's very
hard for them to find balance in the amount of thought they put into things because honesty with
themselves and others as a core value lends itself to high levels of insecurity and excessive
unproductive introspection that causes anxiety, while the honesty can be taken advantage of by
others and being backstabbed leaves deep scars inside because of the intense emotional
dissonance that results from life choices.

It's quite uncommon for people to remain at this level without being considerably sheltered from the
fuckery of the world, because in such a dishonest and manipulative world, it eventually will become
very painfully clear that straight genuine honesty isn't going to work very well at all in many cases.
Cold Bidirectional Apprehension

 Morals are valued the most.

 These people are prone to living very rigid lifestyles in general.
 The result is someone that is probably very questionable at a core level.

Warm Bidirectional Apprehension

 Energy is valued the most.

 These people are prone to being very gullible at times and very sharp at sensing deception
from people at other times.
 The result is someone that is probably very neurotic at a core level.
Unrefined Pure Bidirectional Apprehension

 What's valued the most can be described one of two ways: forethought or growth.
 Individuals at this level are the most expert-level sociopaths/psychopaths.
 It may not be apparent initially or on the surface, but the involvement of emotions in such
individuals lives is very technical and true empathy is often very much if not entirely absent.
 It's a common occurrence that individuals at a lower level of bidirectional apprehension
variant display behavior seemingly consistent with this core value.
 Those who truly have this core value are among the most dangerous and concerning to
others and certainly will not last in connections with individuals of the refined variant.
 The result is someone that is probably very manipulative at a core level.

Refined Pure Bidirectional Apprehension

Refined pure bidirectional apprehension put into more simple terms can be best described as
completely clearheaded objectively quantifiable maturity. You could also call it pure love, but that's
very confusing and vague-sounding for a lot of people and probably ends up sounding to most like
some hippy shit as opposed to the true meaning of how powerful it actually is.

If you believe it to not be the strongest core value, that simply serves to demonstrate the extent to
which your core value is akratic and distant from it.

The result is someone that is definitely ultimately unbreakable at a core level.

 Identity
The ego, as a whole, comprises all that is the perception of a living and cognitive being. There is,
however, a very important distinction between active ego and passive ego.

Ego is the entirety of an individual's perception, including all thoughts and experiences, whether
conscious or subconscious, regardless of whether they are or have ever been consciously
accessible/identifiable.

An understanding of this interpretation of ego is fundamental to forming an accurate view of

objective reality.

When contemplating ego, often, the primary focus of attention people have is trying to define what
exactly a gratified ego is. This is an extremely flawed approach. Gratification isn't something you
apply to ego as a whole, it's something you feel at a given moment.

It's like happiness. You don't say your ego is happy, you simply feel if you're happy or not at any
given moment. You're also capable of reflecting on past moments and remembering if you were
happy in that moment or not, but that also doesn't necessarily mean your ego as a whole was happy
at that point. Keep in mind what the supplied definition of ego covers.

There are two fundamental divisions within which any portion of one's ego falls under. Passive ego
and active ego.

Active ego is what people are talking about when they say someone has a huge ego. It
fundamentally comes from a place of emotional imbalance. As human beings are not born perfect
and emotionally balanced creatures, it's no surprise that they're born with a predisposition towards
having active ego. Active ego can be demonstrated to a very significant extent, even if it's not
recognized by others in a specific context or environment. Its effect isn't necessarily always entirely
destructive, however it typically does more bad than good.

Passive ego is the ego most neglect to carefully consider. In contrast with active ego, it
fundamentally comes from a place of emotional balance. While this certainly doesn't mean that an
individual displaying it is actually emotionally balanced as a whole, it does indicate that they're
sufficiently capable of appropriate behavior at least some of the time. The fact that most people live
their lives trying to push themselves into this state and only when absolutely necessary, as opposed
to being driven to be pulled to it constantly, is the reason why they have fundamentally weak
mentalities.

A major area of consideration as it relates to ego is the formation of expectations. One's core value
forms desires, which go on to form expectations, culminating the process in actions.
Expectations can come from two distinct places. One kind of expectations are very healthy, while the
other kind are very unhealthy. Expectations based on an accurate application of the consideration of
the universe being fundamentally probabilistic in nature allow for rational probability-driven
motivation to identify and pursue goals one makes. Expectations based on emotional reactivity,
however, are entirely driven by active ego and are very unhealthy in nature.
Emotional Distancing

The most flawed mindset you can adopt is one of having a core value of logic in an attempt to reach
for safety in your life.

Any core value not fundamentally adopting logic is far more loosely grounded in reality as
well. From a grounding perspective, using logic allows you to ground yourself better, but if
that comes from a fundamental place of not being grounded with your emotions and fear you
are more firmly grounded in your dilusionality in a way.

When properly employed, logic is the most practical core value.

Adopting logic as a core value to embrace fear of the objective reality is more concretely grounded in
objective reality than adopting logic as a core value to embrace safety because the universe is
fundamentally probabilistic and embracing fear using logic is a fundamentally more probabilistically
accurate way of living life as it more accurately reflects the nature of life bringing about the paradigm
most in line with it.

The problem is that adopting a core value of logic in an attempt to reach for safety is fundamentally
flawed because it is a performative contradiction. It only makes sense to adopt a core value of logic
embracing fear of the reality that results from the nature of your existence. Let me explain why.

Because you can't logically feel completely safe if you try to define and express your identity
completely clearly, the core proposition of your ideology promotes not labeling identifying with an
identity as rational or irrational but simply states it is entirely dysfunctional.

Fundamentally, you are who you are whether you let it bring you down or raise you up. If you apply
emotional modifiers inappropriately, it can very easily hinder you; this becomes much more easy to
do and likely to happen when these experiences are extreme (whether good or bad).

Now, while it makes sense to emotionally distance yourself from your identity in a fashion that
facilitates freedom from emotions that otherwise hinder your ability to function at your highest degree
of efficiency, it is completely outlandish to deterministically claim that any form of identifying with the
patterns that bring about the reality as you perceive it is completely dysfunctional.

Why, you ask?

Using comfort, you are basically stripping meaning of everything until there's literally none left
and this puts you in a constant state of negative emotion subconsciously. You're not neutral or
positive, no matter how much you may try to convince yourself you are. It's eventually going to
become too much for you to handle and you're going to end up performing at your worst.
Turning your emotions off is very different from seeking emotional balance. Human beings are
fundamentally emotional creatures; living one's life trying to turn these emotions off is going to result
in increasingly unhealthy coping mechanisms forming.

If you instead use fear to assign probabilities to thoughts with ease, you are closest to emotionally
balanced as possible, therefore making your logical evaluation abilities at their best too. This
process may seem nearly indistinguishable to someone who sees intellect as intellect regardless of
the emotional backing, but to someone experiencing it, they can clearly tell the difference between
the crippling and frustrating effect of trying to turn their emotions off versus carefully working through
them.
Meaning

The practical outcome of your ideology as presented is that you have a persistent notion that while
your sensory perception would seem to indicate you exist and your experiences are your own, at
least as you have perceived them, you are constantly fundamentally in denial of the presence of the
identity which only exists at all because you exist in the first place. This is what is logically accepted
as a performative contradiction.

This effectively slowly strips away any meaning from your life since you are not fundamentally
evaluating things logically to identify the value they truly have in reality (which is naturally affected by
your perceptions of both the subjective and objective reality), you are effectively behaving like a
robot that only applies rational thinking for the sake of being rational because you see no better
alternative.

This is EXACTLY the mentality that fundamentally drives cults and it is extremely dangerous
because in practice it means you are making rational decisions based on seeking emotional
comfort instead of embracing the inherent fear that a universe of a probabilistic nature as
your own ideology states would naturally imply.

Since a delusion is a belief that is held with strong conviction despite superior evidence to the
contrary, this means you are logically delusional and very concretely grounded in your denial. This
doesn't cease to be clinical insanity just because there's a lack of apparent full-on schizophrenic-
level auditory and/or visual hallucinations.

If you truly want to be as aligned with objective reality as possible, and the objective reality is
inherently probabilistic, then you should base your seeking of logical evaluation on the natural fear
that comes along with those probabilities instead of attempting to seek comfort in them when
probabilities naturally cause dissonance therefore making any attempt to find comfort in them
irrational. This brings about a paradigm shift from denying identity to constantly questioning
it.

The result is a fundamentally probabilistic core value and the resulting realization that your true
essence is not to blindly logically evaluate everything and attempt to rid yourself of emotion, your
true essence is to logically embrace fear to become at peace with the inherently scary nature of
reality. That is what real enlightenment is.

Many people will ask, "Why would I ever care about this when I'm living happily without it?"

The answer is that if you want your lack of logically embracing the natural fear reality causes
to keep limiting your potential as a human being, then don't care about it. Part of being human
is accepting that some humans will want to continue to drown themselves in their own delusionality
until the day they die.

And I personally know people just like this, so it is very much a real phenomenon.
Belief

Understanding every conclusion an individual comes to and whether or not it is logical or not first
requires a premise that the person tells you every single conclusion they have come
to, missing absolutely none. You must then have flawless critical thinking ability in order to
have any chance at accurately gauging the accuracy of their thinking. Even still, if you personally
believe the individual to be hiding any details, you can come to the belief the individual still
holds beliefs on solely your own perception.

Since beliefs are inherently subjective, an attempt at making such an evaluation practically holds no
real weight. In attempting to evaluate a point of life, you must use a fundamental evaluation of a
value proposition. This must be objectively quantifiable in order to objectively measure validity.

If you deterministically state that you don't have an ego without being able to back it up in an
extremely concrete objectively quantifiable manner, you are actually demonstrating massive ego.
Without a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, there is no way to have no ego, you
can only try. That's what it means to be human. If you want to believe that I live in denial, then you
can enjoy believing that I enjoy doing it. I suppose that you shouldn't aim to have no ego, you should
aim to be a realist.

A classic example of how your ideology falls apart is one of the common arguments you might give
that murder isn't wrong, at least in a way. The definition of murder is "The crime of unlawfully killing a
person especially with malice aforethought." Murder is wrong, in every way, at least as far as a
position of moral consensus is concerned. Ending a human's life in a general sense, however,
can only be rationally thought of as justifiable or not justifiable.

The distinctions in details are very important in truly accurate and objectively quantifiable critical
thinking; the meaning of words carries the thought process behind them, so something that may
seem like trivial alternative word usage to a lesser intellectual is actually a significant difference in
meaning to a brighter individual.

Logically when you have logic as a core value, you automatically will seek to figure out how you can
have the most effective impact. But you can harbor logic as a core value seeking safety or
embracing fear.

The practical difference is that when your core value is logic embracing fear, you realize that the
best thing to do is seek the most practical impact, for both yourself and your environment, in a
fashion unbiased with a need for safety.

This leads to a complete freedom from identity that also does not cause you to lose touch with who
you are in essence. Basically, seeking safety leads to binary thinking, and that's dangerous.
Grounding

'How do you logically consolidate being driven by logic to give you safety when the means
within which you came to the conclusion to reach for logic through safety were uncertain?'

Everything you live through can be framed and is subconsciously framed through your subjective
reference frame whether you like it or not. The practical implications of this are that every experience
you have effects your cognitive state somehow. If you ignore that fundamental aspect of
evolution you are setting yourself up to be unaligned with reality completely.

Experience is a tool and a goal. Logic is also a tool and a goal. When you use the evaluation of this
understanding of these concepts properly, you encounter minimal dissonance possible.

My primary value is being logical embracing the natural fear reality causes. So my ultimate
goal is to allow consistency within the entirety of my experience to dictate what is most
logical at any given time and do it to the best of my ability.

Some may say, "That's just using experience as a tool with the primary goal of being logical."

Not exactly. Being logical cannot go at the cost of being consistent.

Others worry, "If experience and logic are both goals, which one wins over if they go at the cost of
the other?"

You use logic, combine it with experience to increase its probability of being accurate to the best of
your ability, then make the logical decision.

Logic is being used as a tool and a goal synonymous with the consideration of the context.

Your consistency comes from making logic your goal and aligning yourself with what you are.

It's illogical to claim a purpose as reality because it requires your belief to become reality therefore
you can deduct that it must be a concept.

Some may be left wondering, "What do you think about respect, what is it, how do you distinguish
between fear and respect?"

I suppose fear feels painful and unnecessary (think terror) while respect is a kind of fear you usually
have much less trouble embracing.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe and secure. There's nothing wrong with wanting to
feel comfortable in an environment that feels familiar. Constantly going through drastic or
considerable changes and having to adapt to considerable discomfort is not a lifestyle that should be
sustained perpetually. Seeking either extreme between safety and danger are both not going to lead
to a healthy mentality.
In a nutshell:

 Based on your core value, you are always being logical. It doesn't matter what your core
value actually is.
 Based on validation from your environment, you may have increased perception of that.
 Based on how your thought processes are happening at a subconscious and conscious
level, you are objectively more controlled by your emotional state than a concrete perception
of logic.

The final point is only untrue if your core value is refined pure bidirectional apprehension. Based on
what your core value is, the degree of impact your resulting emotional state has on your ability to
apply flawless critical thinking in context is generally hindered in relation to how weak your core
value is.

As far as being altruistic, the bigger picture is great and all, but the real reason you should want to
strengthen your mindset is because it makes your life better on a personal level. If everything
else comes as a natural bonus, this allows you to remain appropriately invested and attached and
retain a perspective lacking any active ego.

Do you have a strong emotional desire to understand everything logically?

Do logical actions flow naturally without discipline?

Do you experience a lot of dissonance if you act illogically or if you have contradictory
thoughts or emotions?
Empathizing

Psychopaths and sociopaths are a natural consequence of the human condition and should be
identified and dealt with using careful consideration.

A significant lack of understanding in modern psychology exists in the field of sociopaths and
psychopaths. It's said that they don't feel emotion. While a general understanding of their thought
processes is accepted and there are already suggested ways to identify and deal with them,
traditional psychology still lacks the fundamental understanding of what they really are and how they
really work that facilitates being able to deal with them fearlessly and possibly even help them to
recover from this condition of it's so desired.

A lot of people give me shitty advice, and it's because they don't really care about me or even want
to try to help me to any real extent, they simply want to look and feel like they're helping, to make
themselves look and feel good to themselves and others, to feed their ego.

This exists pretty much everywhere, in all kinds of contexts. While perhaps most often not malicious
in nature, this behavior can very well be quite harmful in different ways, and although it can make a
lot of sense in certain situations, it's very often done in situations where it's certainly not necessary
nor even particularly logical, but rather simply the easier choice emotionally and the one that
provides less resistance. It should be understood that because this is effectively learned behavior
that is fake and equivocates to putting on a mask in a sense, it's technically sociopathic behavior. It's
selfish and manipulative.

It's important to distinguish that there's a clear difference between being a sociopath and displaying
sociopathic tendencies or sociopathic behavior.

At the heart of the issue, however, is the fact that qualifying criteria for a sociopath originates from
their relationship with empathising with others. In a normal person, empathy is entirely an emotional
response at the fundamental level of their consciousness. They relate to others and attempt to
understand them out of a very natural process of the mirror neurons in their brain seeking a more
complete awareness and them wanting a genuinely holistic view and experience interacting with
others.

In sociopaths and psychopaths, however, empathy is a learned, rational response to observations

about social cues, and only utilizes emotion in a process that's much more logically involved and
unnatural. Unlike natural empathy, it's entirely conscious and calibrated using logical evaluation.
Because of this, these kinds of individuals can actually be capable of giving much better advice than
someone utilizing natural empathy, however trusting them can also be much more dangerous
because they can also be much more manipulative.
Core Value Presentation Mismatch

The key factor that these people possess which separates them from a "normal" person, as
understood by philopsychology, is known as a core value presentation mismatch.

What this means is that the core value they present to others and react to social cues with, and the
core value that they truly harbor internally, aren't the same. For example, someone may present to
others as valuing morals above everything else, when in reality they value money the most in life.

Because they're effectively putting on a mask, the truth is that these people try hard to adapt to their
surroundings. They're presenting a certain core value externally because they believe, based on
their logical deduction processes, that the core value they're presenting themselves to have will be
the most beneficial to give off the impression to those around them that they are of the highest value
they could possibly make themselves to be. As a result, the core value they present externally often
may change based on their environment.

In order to seem to value something the most, these people have to actually act in alignment with
that presentation in order to attempt to actually be convincing to others that they're being honest and
genuine. Since this means that what the individual is living their life around others valuing is entirely
driven by their perception and evaluation of social interaction and not their authentic personality, the
people they surround themselves with become a very integral part of their own personality, and they
often end up losing themselves quite considerably as a result.

Their perception of their own identity is so heavily driven by their attempts to carefully evaluate those
around them that if they ever reach a point where things become more difficult for them and they
start questioning what they themselves actually value most and want out of life, it may become very
difficult to unravel all the layers of conditioning they've applied to their psyche. As a result, these
kinds of people may end up taking much longer to be able to truly identify their deepest core value
because their core value chain has become so convoluted.

In many cases, their lives may never become so difficult that they feel the need to completely
unravel their core value and find their true selves within. If they're one of the more fortunate ones,
they can still manage to integrate themselves in society and layer on more self-conditioning to the
point that they're functional and, at least for the most part, blend in with the crowd. If they're a
product of a more traumatic life, they often end up being the really messed up ones that become
serial killers and other such criminals.
Judgement

Now, you may be over there thinking that I must judge these people really harshly, especially since I
understand such intricate details about how their thought processes work. Actually, people with core
value presentation mismatch aren't necessarily any worse than any individual with a core value other
than refined pure bidirectional apprehension.

The final result to me, an individual with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value, is
the same. Because I know the nature of their core values and that it's fundamentally imperfect and
destructive, I must carefully question their intent in any interaction.

I already have to carefully question the intent of anyone who I'm not certain has a core value of
refined pure bidirectional apprehension, even if they don't have a core value presentation mismatch,
so the relevance of the presentation mismatch is only to the extent that I become aware of it and as
a result understand how to best maneuver around interactions with said person.

That being said, to any individual with a core value which is also imperfect, meaning any individual
who possesses a core value other than refined pure bidirectional apprehension, individuals with a
core value presentation mismatch present an increased threat. Individuals who manipulate their own
egos do so in order to attempt to manipulate others, and the more capable and willing someone is to
manipulate you, the more predisposed they are to using you with a degree of regard to your own
interests that you may find perhaps less than satisfying.

In more simple terms, they give less of a shit if they absolutely fuck you up and toss you aside when
they're done with you.
 Fear
Today's society is a society filled with fear and ignorance. Most people fit into a mold because that's
what the people around them have told them to do and they don't want to think outside the box.
Many people are obese. Many people are depressed. Many people try to lead a simple life without
any really ambitious goals. It's a mentality born from seeking safety and comfort at the detriment of
growth and maximizing potential.

Seeing objective reality through the lens of a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension is
not a place where the faint of heart find comfort or solace. It's not for the average person who just
wants to get a job, get married, have kids, and die. It's not for the lazy or simple-minded that find the
world to not be a brutally cutthroat place, or don't really care if they do.

It is a place where individuals that truly strive for inner growth and maximizing their potential can find
further enlightenment on their path to fulfilling their dreams and experiencing their journey for its
maximum potential. A place where the hardened can fortify and purify their soul. A place where
humans learn to become gods.

Fear-based emotion works on the assumption that purely rational thinking can be wrong which in
reality is just the emotional aspect of thought processes causing a skewed perception of ultimately
rational thinking.

The description of objective reality on this site is actually a carefully formed, not rationally falsifiable
definition of what objective reality is, which can simultaneously permanently change your core value
to bidirectional apprehension when followed perfectly, step by step.

This removes all delusion from all fear-based emotions one experiences.

Once you have adopted a bidirectional apprehension variant as your core value, it is unlikely to have
your core value degrade. You are permanently a smarter person.

Bidirectional apprehension might sound scary, but it's not terrifying at all. No matter what your
existing core value is, if it is not bidirectional apprehension, it can be connected to either backward-
rationalized apprehension or forward-rationalized apprehension at the root level of the core value
chain; you are already always subconsciously in fear whether you're in denial of it or not.

The main difference is you are more firmly rooted in your denial because you rationalize solely
based on reactive neural networks from emotional responses instead of utilizing neural networks that
also react from logical responses to a fuller extent. This is what makes forward-rationalized
apprehension much more powerful as a long-term core value before switching to bidirectional
apprehension, because it means your existing mindset is already more aligned with the bidirectional
energy flow.

Backwards-rationalized apprehension focuses primarily on the past when being reactive to logical
stimuli (which is actually directional apprehension flow) whereas forwards-rationalized apprehension
focuses primarily on the future when being reactive to logical stimuli. Since a bidirectional
apprehension core value far more often will focus on forward-rationalized apprehension, this
explains both why it is more ideal as a precursory core value, as well as why most people will
encounter it as a transitional core value towards bidirectional apprehension for at least some period
of time.
Savage

In this life, there are two primary types of fear: apprehension and terror.

Terror is a type of fear that is overpowering, overwhelming, and detrimentally crippling the vast
majority of the time. It is very bad.

Apprehension is a much more tame fear that is more about being calculative and attempting to see
potentially negative outcomes in life for what they are: possibilities. It is empowering, encouraging,
and fundamentally efficient when channeled correctly.

You can choose to accept fear as a natural part of reality and try to channel it correctly, or you can
be a pussy and try to run and hide from it.

But guess what? Running from fear only makes it worse later.

When people hear the word savage, they usually think of someone who is like a wild animal;
impulsive, aggressive, and filled with ego.

But there are two kinds of savagery in this world.

 The strong kind, where you embrace your emotions using critical thinking and because it is
the smartest thing to do.
 The weak kind, where you embrace your emotions impulsively and without reason.

As a result, when someone says they are a savage, you can instantly draw the following
conclusion: They are either really smart or really stupid.
Control
When you are facing fear

 I am powerful, and I am loving.

 I am powerful, and I am loved.
 I am powerful, and I love it.
 I'll handle it.

Do you see yourself as a victim, or are you taking responsibility for what happens to you in life?

The components of a more powerful way of living

 When you are not taking responsibility, you put yourself in a position of pain and hence
decrease your ability to handle the fear in your life.
 Taking responsibility means never blaming anyone else for anything you are being, doing,
having, or feeling.
 You and no one else are the one who creates what goes on in your head.
 Taking responsibility means not blaming any outside force for your experience of life.
 Taking responsibility means not blaming yourself for being different.
 Anything that takes away your power or your pleasure makes you a victim.
 Taking responsibility means knowing when and where you are not taking responsibility so
you can eventually change it.
 Taking responsibility means handling your biggest enemy, your "chatterbox".

Emotions to notice and turn around

 Anger
 Upset
 Blaming others
 Pain
 Vengeance
 Self-pity
 Envy
 Helplessness
 Impatience
 Joylessness
  Fatigue
 Addiction
 Judgemental
 Disappointment
 Jealousy

There is an immediate assumption that negative is realistic and positive is unrealistic.

The subconscious does not judge, it believes what it is fed.

"Ships in harbor are safe, but that's not what ships are built for."

Just do it

In order to truly see you must know what it means to truly look. What there is, is not simply what is in
front of you, it is a combination of what's in front of you with the possibilities of what could be next.

It is easy to get discouraged when there seems like there is a long way to go, but the harder the
struggle, the more unique and valuable the reward.

What makes people great is the greatness they find in themselves to face challenges with a rational
standpoint, while not seeing rationality as a weight that drags the calculations and decisions one
makes down.

One should ultimately aim to be fully engaged in what they are doing in every moment they are in
and see each moment as fundamental to the next, dancing from one moment to the next in a fun
way.

Truly fully being in the moment does not mean forgetting or ignoring the past or the future, it means
that you have put the right amount of thought into the past and the future to see what the current
moment really means to you.

Ignoring the past means you are ignoring lessons you can learn. Ignoring the future means you are
ignoring goals you can set.

When you feel like you're down, when you feel like you're out, when you feel like there's nothing
left... That's when you need to keep pushing. That's when you grow. That's when you reach new
limits you didn't think were possible.

You have to be realistic and re-evaluate your goals and find somewhere there is new room for
growth and improvement if you feel stuck.

Saying you don't believe in yourself makes it sound depressing. But if you look at it as just trying to
prevent being overconfident instead you can be happy and motivated.
The human mind can rationalize pretty much anything. Once you realize how ridiculous that is, the
ridiculous shit that happens doesn't really surprise you, and you feel empowered instead of
weakened.

You never know but how much knowing is enough to know you don't need to care. Knowing you're
always guessing in a way is really important. Just as important as knowing you can try to limit the
guessing as much as possible for the best possible results.

You are intended to learn your path to greatness. You can find a way to feel successful in your own
eyes always. People can label and judge you, but your own labeling and judgement of yourself is
going to affect you the most. Understanding you can always become stronger is the key to
discovering who you really can be.

Give yourself positive affirmation

An affirmation is a positive statement that something is already happening.

 I'm breaking through old patterns and moving forward with my life.
 I am drawing to me all good things.
 My world is filled with abundance.
 I am creating a beautiful day.
 I relax and let go.
 I make a difference.
 There is plenty of time.

Don't let fear control you. When making positive affirmations:

 Always state them in the present.

 Always phrase them in the positive.
 Select ones that feel right at any given time, changing as your situation and mood changes.

Out talk your negativity.

No extra time is required.

Write 50 things you are happy exist in your day before you sleep.

Say yes to your universe.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Religion

Religious belief is subjective.

While I don't inherently have a problem with anyone who holds religious beliefs, I do consider them
of inferior intellect and critical thinking abilities. As I've previously established, all religions are
actually cults. How widespread or generally accepted a cult is doesn't make it any more of a credible
source that accurately reflects reality, nor does it make it any less of a cult in the strictest definition
previously given.

That being said, I don't inherently have a problem with such people because I realize it improves the
quality of life of many people to have this belief. There are many thoughts and feelings that people
don't have answers to and want the answers to, and religion gives them peace. It can also act as a
guide towards taking positive action in difficult situations, and can even sometimes facilitate forming
positive connections with other people who share such beliefs. I see no reason to bash people for
these things.

However, I see religion as a band-aid fix on a bigger existential issue that over time tends to have a
detrimental effect on an individual's open-mindedness and critical thinking abilities, and as such I
find it to be a sub-optimal way of living life.

I would like to mention that I'm not trying to upset anyone with the following. I'm simply stating facts.
These facts may not sit well with your belief system, but that's fine, because it's not called a "fact
system" so you're free to believe what you want. As such, I do not by any means assert that you
should agree with the contents of this chapter. If you want to believe things that aren't firmly
grounded in reality with quantifiable evidence and a high degree of rational backing, it's your
prerogative to do so.

"Faith is the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate evidence. Faith
is belief in spite of, even perhaps because of, the lack of evidence."

- Richard Dawkins

"God" is an Enthymeme

God as it is commonly defined and used is what is known formally as an "enthymeme".

First, let's look at the standard layout of an Enthymeme.

 It is impossible to prove whether X is true or false

 Y can only be true assuming X is true (but X being true or false cannot be proven)
  Y is true because X cannot be proven false (but Y can only be true if X is true so this also
asserts X is true, when it is already determined that X being true or false cannot be known)

Now, let's apply it to how people use it to describe "God".

 It is impossible to prove whether God exists or not

 God's existence can only matter assuming God exists
 God's existence matters because it cannot be proven that he doesn't exist

An Enthymeme is also known as a rhetorical syllogism. A syllogism is essentially a statement that

makes an assertion about a conclusion based on premises. The difference between a rhetorical
syllogism and a regular one is that a rhetorical syllogism only presents an assertion for the sake of
rhetoric, not to attempt to understand the truth.

With any reasonable level of intelligence, you should easily be able to see why it would be
problematic to live your life based around a rhetorical syllogism.

Understanding

We cannot understand everything because our brains are only capable of thinking within a limited
plane with 2 extents: existence and non-existence. Every single thought we produce is contained
within these parameters, and the balance our brain achieves in order to consciously realize a
thought as such is an imbalance of that plane in a certain way. This offset in balance is an emotion.

In order to truly understand -everything-, we would also have to truly understand -nothing-; because
our bodies are not physically capable of understanding -absolutely nothing- once we have
understood anything at all, we can likewise never truly understand -everything-.

This is a truly vital realization, as it has 2 main implications:

1. We can never know exactly what happens when we die. We can never truly experience
death at all without dying because by definition, death is permanent and irreversible.
2. No form of religious deity perceivable exists. Because of how any and all gods are defined,
they are never truly perceivable while alive. This does a very good job of facilitating the
forming of doubt in relation to the topic further within a person.

Essentially, a belief in God comes from a fear of death. One definitive thing people assert about
God's existence is that you will go to heaven (or hell, but regardless, you get judged by him first, still
asserting his existence in relation to the issue) once you die.
This belief is a belief seeded from other people, retained by a fear of death governed by his
existence. What people are really seeking in the belief of God is an attempt to understand -
everything-, including death.

Think about how religion defines you relative to God: you BELIEVE in his existence.

If you know of his existence, you no longer have any reason to fear him since you have absolutely
no doubt in his existence.

People who believe in God typically tend to ignore this because it is assumed that you will only ever
see him once you die.

What all the unenlightened refer to as God is actually just a manifestation of fear they hold deep
inside. Created by external sources, retained by them themselves, because of lack of certainty about
how the world was created and what happens to them when they die.

Someone initially feeds to them that "God" created it, and that they will go to him once they die, and
they build their own beliefs further from there.

Think about how god is perceived: VERY DIFFERENTLY BY EACH PERSON!

If you ask different people, the best they can do to prove God exists is show you something they
believe he made. "The clouds in the sky", "this piece of paper", "you" (as in a human being).

If you present to someone who believes in God that God did not make human beings, their parents
did, then they just say God created your parents and their parents and so on.

If you ask them, "But how do you know?", they will probably respond with something which more or
less means "Because God exists." So god exists because you exist and you exist because god
exists? That means if you didn't exist, God wouldn't exist? But according to your definition of God,
that is not the case.

Religion, The Ultimate LSD Trip

Because religion is subjective and not objective, that means that any "truths" contained within it are
within the scope of one's personal experience.

Similarly, any "truths" contained within a psychedelic LSD trip are also contained within the scope of
one's personal experience.

In this fashion, religion can be likened to an LSD trip.

The individual takes comfort in believing what they want to believe over what objectivity provides
them.
The difference is religion is not as blatantly unnatural to less logical thinkers than an LSD trip is, so
they buy it as reality.

People often like to use the argument/justify belief with saying something to the effect as "even if it's
not real, on the off chance that it is, I don't lose anything by believing", using religion as an
"emergency escape" or just believing to the extent that makes them comfortable.

"God doesn't make mistakes as everything He makes He said it is good!"

Cancer is pretty damn good right?

Since you believe God to be omnipotent, that means you believe he created all the things in
existence. Not just the pleasant things or what you want to say he did.

You can't pick and choose what is God's doing and what isn't while at the same time saying God
controls everything.

Either God doesn't control everything, in which case everything else you believe in crumbles apart,
or since he does control everything, he made everything, including all the horrible diseases,
disabled individuals, and everything unpleasant/unfortunate in the world too.

In that case, he's more so an evil ruler that likes to watch us suffer and struggle through life
(because like it or not life is a constant struggle) and for what purpose? His own amusement.
What a good guy, huh? That's who you're believing in.

The bible says the bible is right so you believe it? The internet often does the same, do you believe
everything you read online? Of course not!

Do research, think logically and take a step back to examine what you are dedicating your life to.
Otherwise you are just another mindless religious follower (regardless of your holy text of choice)
falling in line to pay the establishment you follow for lying to you.

If you're looking for real information, you need to reference multiple sources before coming to a
conclusion. Preferably something not quite so biased as a targeted holy text.

Objective Reality is The Real God

If god is always right And what is right is real That means god is always real And the only thing that
is always right is objective reality Because objective reality is the only thing that is always going to be
real Therefore god is objective reality

"God" is really a synonym for reality.

The reality of reality is that every person is intended to be different and hold different beliefs and
perceptions of their internal and external worlds. All the various interpretations of reality are merely a
compliment to the complex nature of the essence of life and all that can possibly be perceived to be
what is known to each individual as real.

In a sense, everyone is their own "god". We control what we're thinking, what we're saying, what
we're doing, to a very large extent. At the least, it isn't all too useful to believe otherwise.

Instead of looking to mindless rhetoric, you can look within yourself for answers. It's not always easy,
but when did life come with any guarantees it was easy?

Being creative is being a little bit crazy in just the right vibration. With that in mind, you should
understand, God is completely insane.

Realism

Being a realist is not "right" or "wrong", it is simply a wholly logical perspective on the topic of
religion. Because religion is entirely based on emotions, an entirely logical view towards the topic
chooses to essentially ignore it as a factor of one's existence entirely, except for the obvious fact that
it can be a reason that can end that existence at any time.

Logically speaking, the existence of any religious God cannot be proved or disproved based on how
God is defined, therefore the statement that God exists is, objectively speaking, simply a suggestion
and not a fact. Even if you are blind, deaf, and mute, however, objective reality can still firmly prove
its existence to you.

To put things into perspective, one can assert that a pink unicorn exists within their basement,
however it cannot be seen, touched, smelled, or otherwise have it's existence verified in any logical
way via available human senses or reasoning; it is simply said that it exists.

Most people would take the logical view on the topic that because the suggestion is defined within
parameters that do not make it verifiable in any way, and therefore that is the only reason it also
cannot be proven incorrect, that it is merely a belief of the one making the suggestion and will not
believe it is the truth because they recognize that in that case, it is only as real as they make it to
themselves; they will likely come to the conclusion that the one making the statement about the pink
unicorn and taking it seriously is on one or more mind-altering substances or perhaps clinically
insane.

Perspective

If I try to imagine the active presence of an entity defined in the fashion God typically is being
present with dialogue in my life, it doesn't seem difficult to define what it would be like.

The strength and high degree of rational thinking typically associated with males, combined with the
tender understanding typically associated with females.
Acutely aware of the facts that govern objective reality in a completely holistic manner, while also
being acutely aware of their emotional impact upon myself and others.

Wise to the deepest extents and yet humble enough not to attempt to take advantage of it and use
me for something in order to share.

Sounds just like the voice inside my head.

I think the only reason people have trouble "talking to God" is because they're just really bad at
critical thinking and/or emotional awareness. You need a very high degree of both in order to
experience such a meaningful dialogue.
Drugs

Many people are terrified of drugs. For some, even if they have to take them because they are sick
or in great pain, they do so hesitantly.

This is not necessarily a purely negative approach to the topic, as many people are not intelligent
enough to use drugs properly in a non-habit-forming fashion. Acknowledging it is an intelligent thing
to do in this case.

However, dealing with taking or not taking drugs out of blind fear as opposed to intelligent, critically
thought out decision making, just like using that thought process for any other topic, is foolish and
can often produce sub-optimal results.

Why Do People Take Drugs?

There are only 2 underlying reasons why one would consider using drugs:

1. To feel more sober (as is the expected intent of modern medicine usage)
2. To feel less sober (get "fucked up" or "high")

What Are Good Reasons To Take Drugs?

There are only 3 good reasons someone would be hesitant or resistant to taking a drug:

1. They are not well-informed about the drug's effects (in which case, if any interest is
present, they should research)
2. They are well-informed about the drug's effects, want to do the drug, but they are
afraid they would not be able to control their usage patterns as their usage period
progresses (in which case, definitely keep reading)
3. They are well-informed about the drug's effects (positive and negative), and feel they
do not desire them (not out of fear, but simply out of knowledge of what to expect being
undesired changes for that person). This is a further justified reason if the person in question
has at least tried a very low dose of the drug before and has gauged its effects on their body.

Why Do People Get Addicted To Drugs?

There is only one reason people get addicted to drugs:

While taking them, they do not pay attention to usage patterns and do not use the drug in a
critically thought out, tame fashion. Instead, they use it in a much more mindless, gradually
accumulative way which gradually increases dosage to the point that they eventually need a certain
amount of the drug to simply feel normal.
They do not take any kind of usage breaks (as they are not even attempting to seriously determine if
it is necessary) to achieve normality without any of the drug in their system, which over time, forms a
true physical (and possibly also mental) dependence on the drug.

Should I Do __ Drug?

Only licensed doctors are legally qualified to tell you to take a drug, and even then, they mess
up regularly too. It's not about perfection, it's about critically thinking the usage scenario and
context through, and reducing potential for harm to the maximum extent possible while still
having sufficient reason to believe the desired effects will be achieved.

If there is a desire to do a drug, strong enough to even really be considering it, fear should not be a
limiting factor in potential usage. One should do adequate research on the drug in question
beforehand, and always start taking a very low dose (a "threshold" dose) to be able to efficiently
identify all notable effects the drug in question has on their body during the onset of its effects.

If you start with a very safe dose, the worst that could happen is you don't feel much or any real
noticeable differences, however you are protecting yourself very efficiently from any potential to form
an addiction from inappropriate, excessive early usage (which is likely how most, if not all, drug
addicts go wrong when starting their usage).

If no notable effects were felt, the dose can be slightly increased with progressive usages (keeping
within safe bounds) in order to be able to safely, carefully, and efficiently decide on ideal dosage
amounts.

I would stay far away from any drugs that don't have at least reasonably well-established dosage
thresholds. If there's even the slightest possibility that you could overdose and die from a dose
simply because you don't know what amount is actually accepted as safe to take, it's fiend-level and
addict behavior to consume any quantity of such drugs.

How Do I Find The Ideal Dosage?

An ideal dosage will of course vary depending on the core intent of the drug user in taking the drug.
Obviously, when one starts taking a drug strictly to feel less sober (get "high"), as in probably most
recreational use contexts, the potential for abuse is increased, which means even more care must
be taken in the dosage amounts and frequencies in order to safely prevent abusive usage patterns
from forming.

Remember, taking a drug to get high does not mean you will form a habit. It is consequent usages,
seeking a more intense "high", particularly at increasingly frequent intervals, that forms a habit.
Usage Patterns

It is important to always keep in mind current and past usage patterns; dosage amounts and
frequencies, noting the effects achieved from them.

By constantly criticizing your usage patterns in your head, you will be better able to determine when
you see an abusive usage pattern forming, and being aware of this is the best way to protect
yourself from any serious abusive usage patterns forming.

By being aware if usage is becoming abusive, one can then quickly and easily take measures to
reverse the process early on, while still easily doable, as opposed to when they are far into
destructive usage patterns.

You Need Self-Control, Discipline, and Critical Thinking

In the end, the most important point to keep in mind is that it is not the drug that gets you addicted, it
is how you use the drug that forms an addiction.

The fault is not on the drug, but the user. Likewise, the responsibility to prevent getting
addicted is also on the user, not the drug.

A drug user can potentially be addicted to any drug, but it is the user themselves (specifically their
usage patterns) which caused the addiction.

It is the user's responsibility to use the drug responsibly; the drug will not magically produce a
predefined, fixed degree of effects which inherently protects a user from addictive potential, it is up
to the user to dose in a fashion that will be productive to their quality of life, and not the other way
around.

With these things in mind, any drug used will not form an addiction and will have a beneficial impact
on an individual's life during the usage period.
 Value Systems
Realism is not a religion, but those with an unbreakable frame of reality follow it religiously.

What this means in practice is that being a realist is not just something you implement when you feel
like it or when it's convenient, it's an extremely fundamental part of who you are, and you must
identify with it so strongly in order to truly follow it that you fully internalize that it's what your life
stands for at its core essence. In this way, being a realist becomes a very active part of your
personality, which is the unique way that you express information.

Your personality is driven by your frame of reality and your primary value, and since properly
following realism causes an unbreakable frame of reality and an extremely powerful primary value, it
should go without saying that an individual that is a true pure realist will undoubtedly possess a very
strong personality.

It is a common misconception that realism is either merely a glorified form of pessimism, or a naive
form of optimism; this is not the case.

Reality is comprised of both good and bad elements, and without accepting the negative elements of
life, one cannot fully understand and appreciate the positive elements for what they really are.
Conversely, without understanding and appreciating the positive elements for all that they could be,
one cannot accurately grasp and accept the negative elements to understand why they're present
and what could possibly be done to minimize or eliminate them.

Realists understand that the reality is that every person is intended to be different and hold different
beliefs and perceptions of their internal and external worlds. All the various interpretations of reality
are merely a compliment to the complex nature of the essence of life and all that can possibly be
perceived to be what is known to each individual as real.

No matter who you are, what you do, or how you think, understanding value systems will help make
your life better.

Realism is grounded in reality, and reality revolves around the perception of value within each
individual's conscious experience of life. Being a realist requires a high degree of engagement with
reality, which means an active interest and participation in your own life as well as the lives of
everyone around you. This adds value.

Value can be defined as the significance an individual identifies with any form or expression within
the context of their individual reality. One’s value system then becomes the set of principles and
preferences that make them feel good or bad.
This has 2 major implications:

 Every person perceives value of everything differently

 The only person who truly defines value of anything is yourself

Now before we go any further, perhaps it's worth answering the most obvious question you may
have at this point: why should you care? Well, whether you like it or not, whether you're fully aware
of it or not, value is the most fundamental life mechanic that drives everything that happens in your
experience of life. Understanding what it really means and how it really works will effectively help
you to become a much better person for both yourself and the people around you, allowing you to
live a much more fulfilling life.

In every interaction, people are looking for a value exchange. The more positive value exchanges
you can facilitate between another person, the closer they'll feel to you. Because the scope of value
is so vast, you can attempt to facilitate positive value exchanges in a very wide variety of ways. Your
ability to identify and maneuver around value exchanges in as optimal of a way as possible is going
to be determined by your understanding of value systems.
Primary Value

Primary value is the fire within you.

It's not just what you're thinking or what you're feeling, it's everything that you bring to an interaction
before someone's met you. What drives you to wake up every day. What drives why you do what
you do. Why you believe you are who you are. You know that if there is nothing else, you still have
your primary value.

No matter what anyone tells you or does to you, your primary value is always only going to be as
strong as you will allow yourself to make it. Your attitude is what drives primary value, and the more
realistic your attitude, the more unstoppable you are. As such, the more realistic your attitude, the
higher the degree of primary value you demonstrate the capability for.

Individuals with an unbreakable frame of reality have the highest capacity to discover and
experience primary value at all times.

Influencing Factors

 Personal Values - The preferences, beliefs and attitudes that determine what makes you
happy and what you're attracted to.
 Beliefs About Self & World - The filter through which your social feedback is interpreted,
and which directs your expressions.
 Emotional State - The quality of your emotional condition: good, bad, excited, tired, happy,
sad, etc.
 Feedback Threshold - What kind, and how intense of, social feedback do you need to feel
good or bad.
 Intent - The fuel that drives your actions.
 Permission Factors - Anything in your life that allows you to act on what you want.

Discovery

To discover your primary value, you have to remember that it's already there inside of you.

It's not about developing something new, but rather finding something inside of yourself that really
moves you. To train your primary value, you really have to confront who you are and what you bring
to the table for your environment. You must remove fear and give yourself fully to the world, seeing
what it gives back.

You have to see what you stand for, and what works and doesn't work for the kind of life you want to
live.
Experience

As far as how it feels to know primary value, this is what many call a "flow state".

This is essentially being totally in the moment, where your past is behind you, your future's ahead of
you, but you're not thinking of those things; you're present in the moment. Some would call this
being "in the zone". You feel at peace with the world, but at the same time full of energy.

It can also be thought of as a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's self-appreciation of one's
own abilities or qualities.
Passive Value

Passive value is everything else that other people can see without even knowing you.

This is a derivative of your primary value. Maybe it’s a lot of money. Maybe it’s a nice car. Maybe it’s
the fact that you’re really physically attractive. Regardless of the specifics, this is a more “shallow”
form of value that, while certainly nice to have, does not truly determine what kind of person you are,
your intentions, or how you will act in any given situation.

It can also be thought of to a quite significant extent as the story you tell yourself about who you are,
and the story that other people tell themselves and their friends about you. This story of your life can
be one of the most compelling parts of who you are.

To achieve a genuine passive value, anything that represents your passive value should be a
function of a genuine interest in your own life.

Areas & Types of Coverage

 Personal Style - Influencer vs. Influenced

 Career & Finance - Planning vs. Flowing
 Friends & Family - Helping vs. Hindering
 Lifestyle & Access - Expanding vs. Limiting
 Hobbies & Interests - Creation vs. Consumption
 Experiences - First-Hand vs. Third-Hand

Reframing Past Experiences

Often, we end up framing uncomfortable experiences from a negative perspective. However, upon
performing deeper introspection, we can often learn lessons from past experiences, get over any
emotional baggage they make us feel like we're carrying, and the resulting reframe allows us to grow
as a person.

This happens in 3 fundamental steps:

1. Realization: It was merely an experience. It’s in the past now.

2. 20/20 Hindsight: Was it as profound as you thought? In the moment, things often seem a lot
more important than they really are.
3. Reframe: How did it help you, and what did it really mean? What can you learn from it, and
how can it shape you in a more positive way?
Active Value

Active value is the value you bring to the table when you interact with others in your environment.

This is also a derivative of your primary value. While your primary value drives why you do what you
do, your active value measures how much positive value you can add to interactions with other
people and therefore the overall quality of their life. Passive value can play a role in aiding to add
active value, depending on the circumstances.

There are three kinds of active value: personal value, impersonal value, and distinguished value.

Personal Value

As the name suggests, this kind of active value is based purely on the fact that it is centered around
the person considering the value.

They effectively put themselves in a position of greater importance than final value, and this causes
unhealthy thought cycles. While it's not unhealthy to think of oneself when considering
circumstances and situations they are faced with, focusing on personal value causes a distorted
frame of reality. Having a distorted frame of reality will result in less-than-ideal results regardless of
the circumstances.

Impersonal Value

Conversely, impersonal value is the kind of active value that is based purely on the fact that it is
centered around the environment of the person considering the value.

They effectively put their environment in a position of greater position than themselves, and this also
causes unhealthy thought cycles. While it's not unhealthy to think of one's environment when
considering circumstances and situations they are faced with, focusing on impersonal value puts
one's own needs at an importance which undermines their existence, and that won't result in
completely healthy decision-making.

Distinguished Value

Distinguished value is the kind of active value that results from carefully distinguishing between
personal value and impersonal value, and effectively taking both into consideration when providing
active value.

One effectively puts themselves in an undistorted frame of reality, which allows them to produce
healthy thought cycles. It's unhealthy to put too much focus on oneself or one’s environment when
providing active value, and that's specifically why it's fundamental in providing impersonal value that
one considers these things to be of equivalent importance to maintain an undistorted frame of reality.
Final Value

Final value is an all-encapsulating measurement of the objective significance of every aspect of

value combined.

It is the only true measurement of a person’s real worth.

Each individual aspect of value plays an important role in final value, but none of them individually
can even remotely measure overall value of a person as accurately as final value. The higher one’s
final value, the less distorted their frame of reality is. The less distorted one’s frame of reality, the
more accurately they can gauge the final value of others. This will gradually improve one’s cognitive
reality loop.

Only those with a solid cognitive reality loop are eligible to have an unbreakable frame, and only
those with an unbreakable frame are eligible to master projecting final value. Final value can only be
accurately quantified by an individual who has a core value of refined pure bidirectional
apprehension.

Frame of Reality

An individual’s frame of reality is essentially the way they perceive the reality they are faced with.

This is also known as the subjective conscious experience.

The more significance an individual attaches to any undistinguished active value, the more distorted
their frame of reality will inevitably become. Conversely, the more significance and focus attached to
distinguished active value, the closer one becomes to having an unbreakable frame.

An individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension has a frame of reality that
more accurately reflects objective reality than an individual with an inferior core value, both in
pleasant and unpleasant extents.

Cognitive Reality Loop

1. Feedback (verbal and nonverbal) - You receive feedback from people: how they look at
you, what they say, etc., which causes...
2. Interpretation (implementing primary value) - You have a certain interpretation of the
environment, and of people around you. This interpretation...
3. Expression (verbal and nonverbal) - Leads you to express in a certain way with your
words and actions. This expression leads to…
Having a solid cognitive reality loop is what facilitates internal congruence, which is when your
verbals, nonverbals, and inner frame are in alignment. This leads to interaction congruence, which is
when others’ frames are positively influenced by yours.

Unbreakable Frame

Having a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension. Always looking to increase your
primary value. Always aiming to provide as much distinguished active energy to your environment as
possible. Confidence to appreciate your single life for all of the freedom it gives you. Knowing how to
find the right person when the time is right. Knowing how to have the strength to maintain as healthy
and fulfilling a relationship as possible once you find that person. Being fully immersed in reality and
having the supernatural mindset.

Projecting Final Value

The process by which an individual with a solid cognitive reality loop and an unbreakable frame can
learn to master manipulation of inner controlled aggression and use quantum energy in order to
facilitate exertion of their energies in incredible ways.

This is an extremely advanced concept, and if you choose not to believe in it, you don't have to
worry about it until someone capable of utilizing it presents themselves in your life.

It should not be the reason one seeks to become a realist. With great power comes great
responsibility.
Measuring Value

Value can only be truly measured in net positive gain.

While it is possible to gain personal value from reducing final value for others whether it be
physically or mentally, the net positive gain is harshly affected in these cases. The only way to
always provide as much positive value as possible is to be completely independent of the good and
the bad opinions of others. This is often referred to as “ego loss” or “being enlightened”.

For those not in this state, the only way to achieve this state is to look deep within your ego, face
yourself, analyze what parts of your thinking are causing unhealthy thought cycles, and slowly break
them down to restore mental health. This is definitely easier said than done.

While many people are aiming to achieve this state, there are those that do not have a value
threshold, and thus, simply do not care.

An individual’s value threshold is essentially their capacity to consider value. Every individual has an
individual value threshold. While there are a wide range of individuals with acceptable value
thresholds, the only individuals you should truly be scared of are the ones who lack a value
threshold entirely. They will focus solely on personal active value, regardless of the circumstances,
and therefore have the most unhealthy thought cycles possible.

These individuals always possess a core value presentation mismatch.

 The Supernatural Mindset
Every person with an unbreakable frame follows the natural mindset. This means looking at
interactions not as something to get something out of and not with an agenda to be able to brag
about to others in a future setting. This mindset has a few fundamental characteristics.

 Everything is a fun dance

 Anything can happen, you just have to have the skills ready
 Everything is always engaging and escalating
 Aiming to always get investment
 Everything is about always calibrating

Skills are a learned set of behaviors that are properly calibrated to add value to a person's life.
Acquire a set of skills that you can roll out at different points in time. In this way, these skills become
a part of your personality.
Forms & Expression

Value as it relates to interpersonal interaction is derived from individual expression. Every

expression has a unique form:

 How it looks
 How it sounds
 How it makes us feel

When that unique form is good, it gives us value. When that unique form is bad, it takes value from
us. When you express, you are either adding or taking value.

Adding Value

Anything you do or say which...

1. Is sensitive to the context of the situation

2. Is congruent with your frame of reality
3. Is sensitive to the current experience of yourself and those around you
4. Adds to everyone's emotional experience in a positive direction

The Value Filter

 Important = Valuable = Attractive

 We are attracted to things which are relatively high value
 We react differently to things which are extreme in value
 Different values stimulate different circuitry
 Different forms are valuable at different times
 Different people value different things
Beliefs About The World

Your beliefs about the world in various areas are going to shape and define the way you interact and
therefore your ability to add value. Each position can be more or less appropriate depending on
context, and it can take very careful calibration to determine which is truly the correct perspective in
more difficult situations.

Default Meaning

The intrinsic meaning that people assign to their experiences is something many don't really think
about deeply. What default meaning do you assign to incoming data? There are different positions to
take when contemplating on experiences that you're framing within your perception, and differing
views will produce different thoughts and results, and putting it all into perspective and acquiring and
retaining the positions that will have the greatest probability of producing the results you're looking
for is always going to be the ideal way to go about thinking about things.

 Positive vs. negative

 Everyone likes me vs. everyone hates me
 Finding flaws vs. finding virtues
 Champion vs. victim
 Life: A problem to be solved, or a reality to be experienced

Strength of the meaning

 Solid: Built on time, effort, knowledge and experience

 Weak: Built on ego, talking smack and loosely grounded assumptions

Personal Values

 What are your goals, and what really makes you happy?
 What won’t you accept in yourself and the people around you?
 Be aware that only you can shape your values - with knowledge and experience
 See yourself as following the “journey” of discovering who you are
Valuable Personality Characteristics
Give Love

 Be a source of good feelings for other people

 Make positive assumptions about others
 Compliment and show genuine appreciation
 Show genuine interest and be emotionally expressive
 Where applicable, flirt and tease - verbally & physically
 Have fun doing all of these things

Be A Leader

 Go after what you want

 Take responsibility for yourself and for those around you
 Creating great things for other people and make things happen
 Being a source of permission for yourself and for others and know when to step back

Be Compelling

 Be a person of value
 Find interest in your own life
 Have opinions and passions that drive you and your conversations
 Hold something back and be intriguing

Be Chill

 Enjoying your moments, wherever you may be

 Don't stress or be emotionally reactive excessively
 Don't get too wrapped up in one person or thing
 Don't seek approval or give it too excessively
 Sometimes, you just have to believe that everything happens because it's supposed to
happen
Application

This is quite a lot of information, and it'll very likely take a while to understand all of it. Even then,
understanding it is only the beginning. The really difficult part comes in the lifetime it takes to really
internalize this information and perform every action you make in life to the best of your abilities.

Nobody’s perfect, and this is because it is the mistakes we make when the times are tough that truly
define our character. Always trying to learn and improve is the only way to make the best of what
you have. All that being said, everyone is different and your life is yours alone to live. Nobody can
tell you the person you should or have to be because in the end only you can truly decide.

Free will has caused many things, both great and disastrous, to happen but it is there regardless.
The reality is that the world is not an extremely stupid place, and if you try pushing your luck too
hard, things are going to backfire. The chances that you are willing to take are entirely up to the life
you want to live.

Understanding all of this information will be the beginning to improving one’s primary value and
frame of reality. This translates in practice into confidence in dealing with other people and the
problems life throws your way along with an overall more contented yet prepared mindset that
facilitates a more focused and happy lifestyle.

The ultimate goal I'd say would be to acquire a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension,
acquire and practice the knowledge of tier 3 quantum energy harvesting meditation, and live a very
long existence with a high degree of value that you find in life for yourself, while also providing a high
degree of value for your environment.
 The 5 Steps
Having absolutely no active ego, meaning you have a core value of refined pure bidirectional
apprehension, means you have an unbreakable frame of reality, and subsequently, an unbreakable
will. You may be wondering if there's a very, almost overly simplified way to state this. There is.

You live in objective reality.

Stay high and get shot down.

Stay indifferent and remain irrelevant.

Stay grounded and there's no stopping you.

Try to do no harm, then show no mercy to those who still harm you.
Step 1: Understand all your efforts are futile if you are not honest.
Goal

Facilitate critical thinking by promoting honesty.

The Ones Who Learn To Love The Fire

Sooner or later we all go through a crucible.

Most believe there are two types of people who go into a crucible:

 The ones who grow stronger from the experience and survive it.
 The ones who die.

But there is a third type: The ones who learn to love the fire.

Who choose to stay in their crucible because its easier to embrace the pain when it's all you know
anymore.

Living is not for the weak.

How To Think Clearly

"You do not think thoughts simply because they are there."

Thinking is a very high-capacity ability. We experience thoughts as emotions. The clearer we are
able to think, the clearer these emotions are able to become.

Your thinking ability is roughly split into 2 thinking categories:

 The ability to concentrate on and think about what is around you/what you are currently
experiencing in the "real" physical material world (what is real)
 The opposite; your ability to concentrate on and think about anything that is not around
you/anything you are not currently experiencing in the "real" physical material world (what
isn't)

When these two thinking abilities of an individual are reaching an ideal balance, that individual is
best able to channel their total thinking ability into what they are thinking in the "real" physical
material world.

Since each portion of thinking ability feeds off the other, ideal balance is achieved with optimal
awareness of control.
People are too often afraid to become aware, have control (knowledge), and find balance within
themselves as they exert their power (use their knowledge) over the world. Do not be scared of
removing limits from your thinking in general, be scared of removing limits carelessly.

Any power an individual has, they deserve, because once knowledge is obtained, time cannot be
reversed and so since the individual managed to gain that power, unless someone would kill them
(or otherwise inhibit their potential) because of it's acquisition, they are free to exert it as they
please...

However, every smart individual understands that with power comes responsibility and in order for
them to have ideal circumstances, they would be best off exercising the most responsibility possible.

Just Be Fucking Honest

If you're not honest with yourself, there's no point going further.

Your existing core value is going to logically inhibit your ability to accurately identify your core value.

Even trying the next step becomes a waste of time.

Step 2: Find things in your life that are not critically thought out.
Goal

Facilitate correctly identifying your core value.

The Life Story

We build up models of how we see the world outside of us and the more information that we have
the more we refine our model one way or another.

What we ultimately do is tell ourselves a story about what the outside world is.

Any information that we process, any information that we take in from the environment is always
coloured by the experiences that we've had and an emotional response that we're having to what
we're bringing in.

How To Learn Anything

It is only when you understand that you don't understand, that you can begin to learn.

Preface

 Knowing and understanding are two different things; understand was used on purpose.
 You must know something as a prerequisite to understanding it.
 If you do not know of something, how can you identify what you are attempting to
understand?
 If you do not have an understanding of your knowledge of something, how can you truly
understand it?
 Therefore, a real understanding comes from a process of understanding the knowledge you
acquire in relation to something.
 Knowledge is an ability to acknowledge the existence of something.
 Understanding is being able to "take that knowledge in" in a sense; Perhaps apply it in
different ways.
 Therefore, understanding when you don't understand allows you to [understand to] continue
seeking more knowledge.
 The process of knowing, understanding that knowledge, then understanding your
understanding of that knowledge, is the true process of forming persistently accessible
thoughts.
 The process of learning can be described as the consistent, persistent usage of the true
process of forming persistently accessible thoughts in relation to the topic(s) being learned.
Step 3: Identify your complete core value chain.
Goal

Truly love and accept logic as a fundamental part of your existence.

What is a core value?

What you value above anything else within the context of your existence.

What is a core value chain?

Your core value can change throughout your life based on your experiences and the knowledge you
derived from them. The previous core values you had do not always just disappear, and build links to
form your complete core value chain, all the way to the end where your current core value is.

Is there an ideal core value? What is it? Why is it ideal?

Refined pure bidirectional apprehension is clearly the most superior core value because not only
does it truly allow you to understand that safety is a concept that does not truly exist, but it also
allows you to cope with that fact in the healthiest and most functionally effective fashion.

This makes forwards-rationalized apprehension the most compatible pre-existing core value from
within which to reach for any of the bidirectional apprehension variants, because more often than not
forwards-rationalized apprehension (contemplating the future) is used as opposed to backwards-
rationalized apprehension (contemplating the past) in efficiently functional individuals with
bidirectional apprehension variants as an existing core value.

Applicable Apprehension

Proper cognition involves bidirectional apprehension. This is by default a state that considers
the self and environment of appropriately scoped importance. It generally leads a lot more to a right
action mindset.

Every core value chain resolves to one of 3 core values at the lowest level.

Backwards-rationalized apprehension

Backwards-rationalized apprehension is contemplating the past, this is usually purely

emotionally/impulsively fueled but can implement rational thinking.

Some individuals can have a core value of backwards-rationalized rationalization, which may make
them unable to reach for bidirectional apprehension ever. This core value can be identified using a
diagnosis of Paranoid Personality Disorder.
This core value eventually leads to either "Pure Paranoia" (perpetual sheer terror) or "Paraphrenia"
(perpetual sheer panic).

In cases where other illnesses may be present, such as schizophrenia, this leaves the individual
vulnerable to variants such as paranoid schizophrenia.

Forwards-rationalized apprehension

Forwards-rationalized apprehension is contemplating the future, this is usually driven a lot more by
the rational thinking part of the brain.

Some individuals can have a core value of forwards-rationalized rationalization (intermittent terror or
panic) but it is often easier to overcome than it's backwards-rationalized variant.

Bidirectional apprehension

Bidirectional apprehension is actively using critical thinking to put your headspace in a state where
you can flawlessly switch between backwards- and forwards-rationalization as necessary to form an
ideally critically thought out world view that accurately takes into consideration the probabilistic
nature of reality.

What is logic? What is life?

Everything you do is fundamentally driven by the consistent patterns that bring about your
perception of reality.

If your logic tells you the bottle is blue, the bottle is blue.

Logic, however, does not make things true.

The Bidirectional Apprehension Thinking Process

Stage Description

Conceptualization The core of an idea is identified

Realization The idea is more fully realized and it's form starts to take shape

Visualization Detailed construct of layout and functionality of relevant data is produced

Visualized concept is implemented in practice, and initial testing to confirm successful

Recreation
replication of intended idea is performed

Confirmation
Others test and provide feedback to potentially further refine and polish concept
(optional)
Step 4: Understand and experience complete ego death.
Goal

Understand that any core value not using logic as a tool and as a goal is fundamentally flawed.

Don't Be A Dick

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's
a pussy, and his owner beats him.

Don't Actively Seek Safety

Most people come from a place of ultimately accepting safety as a core value, whether more directly
or through logic as a means to an end.

Ultimately, the only practical difference between core values is how aligned with reality they are.

Actively seeking safety feeds backwards-rationalized core values and leads to binary thinking, which
is binary opposition between thoughts.

Binary Opposition

A binary opposition (also binary system) is a pair of related terms or

concepts that are opposite in meaning. Binary opposition is the system by
which, in language and thought, two theoretical opposites are strictly
defined and set off against one another.

If you've already understood your current core value isn't refined pure bidirectional apprehension
and that it should be, the next rational thing to do is to realize you really have to live your life
understanding and applying the implications of what you know.

Safety is a concept that does not truly exist.

The Game of Speculation

"All through time, people have basically acted and reacted the same way in the market as a result of:
greed, fear, ignorance, and hope. That is why the numerical formations and patterns recur on a
constant basis.

The game of speculation is the most uniformly fascinating game in the world. But it is not a game for
the stupid, the mentally lazy, the person of inferior emotional balance, or the get-rich-quick
adventurer. They will die poor."

- Jesse Livermore
Don't Fear Ego Death

Understand that the best insurance against ego death is a contemplative, strong inner self-identity.

An ego defined in this way is resilient against loss of money, reputation, physique, family, and
friends.

Ego death can be very painful, and there is no way to protect completely against it.
Step 5: Try to confirm your ego is completely dead.
Goal

Continue to embrace the natural fear that your perception of a

fundamentally probabilistic universe entails.

Fear Remains

You will always be scared. To be alive is to be scared. You can't run or hide from it for real. Fear is
what ultimately always drives you.

If you use logic to navigate embracing it instead of pushing it away, you can radically change how
you experience life.

We All Start Unconscious

For many things, your attitudes came from actions which led to observations which led to
explanations which led to beliefs.

It is well known in psychology the cart of behavior often gets before the horse of attitude.

Attitude and Behavior

Attitude is a feeling, belief, or opinion of approval or disapproval towards

something. Behavior is an action or reaction that occurs in response to an
event or internal stimuli (i.e. thought).

Your actions tend to chisel away at the raw marble of your persona, carving into being the self you
experience day-to-day.

Consciousness Revisited

It doesn't feel that way though.

To conscious experience, it feels like you are the one holding the chisel, motivated by existing
thoughts and beliefs.

It feels as though the person wearing your pants is performing actions consistent with your
established character, yet there is plenty of research suggesting otherwise.

Your choices and free will are going to be defined by your intellectual ability to take distance from
your belief system and ideas and look at things from a bigger perspective.

The things you do often create the things you believe.

Why Should I Give a Flying Fuck?

Individuals without refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value are prone to having an
active ego, and when their ego gets activated, they start demonstrating narcissistic behavior which
sows the seeds of discontent within the intersubjective reality. This can eventually lead to them
knowingly or unknowingly ruining all the relationships with people that they have.

Here are 5 fundamental traits that a person without any active ego (meaning they have refined pure
bidirectional apprehension as their core value) will never demonstrate:

1. Make demands that other people live up to your, not their, standards. By pushing people to
live up to the image you project as important, you are creating resentment and discontent.

2. Fail to build trust and loyalty. The intrinsic, emotion-focused, qualities that people have are the
ones that are needed to form close and lasting relationships. If you only focus on the superficial,
those who are in a relationship with you will fail to bond at a deeper level.

3. Fixate on the external trappings than on what really counts. If you are constantly expecting
those in your life to look the part but not adopt the intrinsic qualities, they will eventually feel less
motivated to do either. Allow them to express their individuality and even encourage them to fulfill
their inner strivings.

4. Violate the trust that you and your associates have established. People who are high in
narcissism don't value trust or loyalty, but instead are trying to achieve recognition. If your partner,
coworker, friend, etc. senses that you're likely to throw him or her under the bus, it will erode the
foundation on which good relationships are built.

5. Fail to see your own foibles and flaws. Those high in narcissism exact high standards on
others but don't apply those same standards to themselves. Recognizing your weaknesses and
contributions to problems will lead your intersubjective reality to eventually resent your constant
demands for perfection.

"Intellectual Masturbation"

Some individuals have taken to telling others they are "intellectually masturbating" when faced with
the facts.

Don't tell people they're intellectually masturbating because it makes you clinically insane.

Telling someone they're intellectually masturbating is the closest thing to intellectually masturbating
that there is.

You're a pro or you're a noob. That's life.

 WHY
WHY by NF is an absolute masterpiece of a song that demonstrates an extremely high degree of
pure bidirectional apprehension which is made even more powerful by the content being relatable to
a lot of people at least at one point or another.

It's very important to understand that relating to just one or several of the portions of the song, or
even the entire song but only in one point of view, does not demonstrate possessing pure
bidirectional apprehension as a core value yourself. The song does however serve as a very strong
foundation from which to elaborate on the concept in a more concrete way that can allow someone
to attempt to understand the depth involved much better than probably any other way, largely
because of the emotional impact and a sense of being able to relate that are conveyed through it.

Remember that there are actually two variants of pure bidirectional apprehension (refined and
unrefined) and also due to the complexity of the concept there are a lot of lines that can actually be
interpreted in two or even possibly more distinctly different ways.

"What's your definition of success?"

Right from the start, this is one of many lines that can be both actually posed as an actual question
left unknown really even to himself but also seen as a rhetorical question that demonstrates the
following content provides an explanation for the question being posed that he already knows the
answer to.

The name of the song is WHY. With the very beginning starting talking about pondering success,
that makes it clear that a critical part of his identity revolves around his perception and course of
action towards success. This brings about many more questions that always come back ultimately to
why does he even do what he does at all.

Succeeding in one's goals, and by extension clearly defining those goals and a road map to achieve
them, is absolutely necessitated to facilitate achieving them.

"I don't trust the thoughts that come inside my head"

Constantly striving for success and trying to redefine it and shape it to see its true form and purpose
in one's life requires a lot of not so much self-doubt but more so general doubt of pretty much
everything.
In order to see things clearly, you have to constantly question what is even real, and only through
doing that extensively can you actually start to see the way things really are. There are so many
secrets and hidden messages all around you all the time that if you're not even aware that they are
there and that you'll probably never really see every single one, then you'll never be able to try to
properly understand the truth of the world around you with proper clarity.

This becomes even more apparent with the fundamental value proposition that there is always room
for growth, improvement, and learning. Trusting the thoughts you have without carefully weighing all
the possibilities and without remaining level-headed about situations will cause you to make sub-
optimal decisions at best and very dangerous and/or costly decisions at worst, which depending on
the circumstances can be really detrimental to the quality of your life short-term, long-term, and even
potentially forever.

"I don't trust this thing that beats inside my chest"

A lot and maybe you could even say most people see fear as a purely negative emotion that you
should aim to just completely get rid of or just try to suppress to the maximum extent possible.

The reality of the way life works is that trying your hardest to run from fear is actually
counterproductive to the goal of ultimately liberating yourself from it, because you fail to realize and
accept that in doing so you are actually feeding it and promoting it's growth and increasing it's power
over you and your life.

Being able to see and accept all your emotions, positive and negative, is the only way that you're
ever going to truly be able to overcome the negative ones and deal with the hand life dealt you in the
most productive and healthy way within the constraints of your capabilities and limitations.

"Who I am and who I wanna be cannot connect, why?"

A lot of people can relate to feeling like who they'd like to be and who they are can't meet for one or
more reasons, whether this drives them to attempt to make it happen or serves to eat away at any
motivation to try.

This also ties strongly back to the previous two lines about not just trusting your mind or heart easily
because if you trust them easily then you facilitate the continuation and possibly the increase in the
severity of this disconnect that every individual without a core value of refined pure bidirectional
apprehension will experience.
"Don't think I deserve it? You get no respect"

Seeing, understanding, and reacting to respect are all actually much more complicated than most
people think.

There are many factors that come into play in all of these areas and most people consider respect
something that's basically common sense but particularly in more complicated situations it's not so
clear-cut. Even in less complicated situations, in several kinds of cases, people would react
differently faced with the same situation if they were trying to act with their idea of being respectful in
mind.

An individual with either variant of pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value has an acute
sense of self-awareness and self-respect and as a result will recognize the appropriate nature of
reciprocating a lack of respect in the most tactful way when faced with a lack of respect even in
untactful ways, possessing the necessary intellectual and emotional control and maturity to handle
unfavorable situations in a sharp and clear-headed way.

"I just made a couple mill, still not impressed

Let You Down goes triple platinum, yeah, okay, okay, I guess
Smile for a moment then these questions startin' to fill my head, not again!"

NF's foundation was not always so strong. He comes from a rough past where he dealt with abusive
parents and he had his share of struggles and in the process of trying to prioritize and figure out
what he really wanted and how to get it, he always reflects and in looking back realizes how foolish
he feels for thinking that so many things he used to think would make him feel fulfilled and happy do
not do so even after he has gotten them.

It's reached a point where he knows he could run from his problems but he can't run from himself
and now he's taking a different approach to dealing with his problems because he sees his old
solutions will no longer work.

The next 3 bars can be interpreted two distinctly different ways: A state of unanswered emotional
conflict or a rhetorical question due to answered but unsatisfying conflicting life experience.

"I push away the people that I love the most, why?"

The first way to interpret this is as an observation that there is a massive disconnect in the way that
he feels towards people and the way he ends up treating them and he's not really sure why but
somehow it just feels emotionally right and that combination leaves him in a state of intense inner
conflict.

The alternative interpretation is that he understands why this conflict exists, because the people he
loves the most treat him very poorly and unfairly and so he pushes them away because they
deserve it. However, he's left still feeling like he loves them and perhaps somehow that they love him
back, and this leads to a very unsatisfying and emotionally conflicting scenario even more so than in
the first interpretation because there is reasoning and understanding present but the emotional
conflict exists despite that and is only in fact strengthened as a result.

"I don't want no one to know I'm vulnerable, why?"

The first way to interpret this is that he always has good intent and he knows that, but he's seen that
acting openly and honestly that way just leads to people taking advantage of him so he feels like he
needs to hide any vulnerability and it just feels so wrong that things are that way and is just left
emotionally conflicted about what to do about it.

The alternative interpretation is that he's accepted that he hides his vulnerability because he knows
he has to in order to avoid being taken advantage of and it makes sense to him up to that point but it
still leaves him even more conflicted because then he's left wondering why things have to work that
way since that still leads to an unsatisfying outcome that he feels distant from everyone and the
same goal he tried to achieve by hiding his vulnerability is left just as unsolved if not even made
worse by choosing to do so and it seems like even with thinking things through that there's no
desirable outcome available.

"That makes me feel weak and so uncomfortable, why?"

The first way to interpret this is that he just vaguely feels weak and uncomfortable despite behavior
he adopted to attempt to avoid feeling that way and as much as he thinks about it he still can't come
up with a proper answer as to why those conflicting emotions still exist.

The alternative interpretation is that he knows and accepts that he acts the way he acts to avoid
feeling weak and uncomfortable and it does help to some extent, but the fact is that even knowing
what he's doing and why still leaves him with arguably even more unsatisfying answers and he's left
feeling even more weak and uncomfortable as a result and he's left furious that trying harder to be
both smart and a good person only leaves him even more hurt overall than just not giving a fuck and
it really seems like the world shouldn't work that way but he clearly sees that's what's going on
around him.
"Stop askin' me questions, I just wanna feel alive until I die"

This can also be interpreted two distinct ways.

The first is addressing the answer as if he's talking to a therapist trying to work through his emotional
struggles and he's giving the simple emotionally resonating answer that just makes sense when
trying to dig into his perception on the matter.

The second is as a self-response to his own questions he's posing to himself in self-reflection and
telling himself to stop asking these questions to himself and try to just keep living life and trying to
experience his way into answers or try to search for answers in a more productive fashion that
doesn't just reiterate all the existing issues he's well aware of that only serves to feed his inner
sadness and anger and therefore only make the problem worse and make him feel more dead
inside.

"This isn't Nate's flow, just let me rhyme, I'm in disguise"

NF is actually his initials; his name is Nathan Feuerstein.

The first way to interpret this is that this song was not written entirely by him and he's admitting to it
and showing that he's willing to do so either due to feeling a desire to himself or as a result of feeling
pressured by the people who helped with this song. It serves to show the depth of truth in multiple
other parts of the song as reflected on both NF himself as well as the other people who also
contributed to the creation of this song.

The alternative, which only becomes more apparent as a possibility after listening to later parts of
the song, is that he's referring to his fear. The fact that he feels like his fear controls him and its the
fear, not even his genuine identity, that is the source of the bars he's rapping. Since the bars don't
portray fear, it shows that the fear is disguised by the intensity of the subject matter.

The part about flow on its own can also refer to the sound of the flow of the bars resembling that of
another rapper, although that's a more shallow interpretation. In that case, the words that follow
could symbolize that he's opening up that even for how real he is in his raps, in a sense it's still a
disguise and not the complete picture of who he is; something that would understandably be very
frustrating to someone that really likes to keep things real.
"I'm a busy person, got no time for lies, one of a kind"

The whole purpose of this song is to provide an explanation of why he does what he does.

NF takes a very unconventional route in his approach to the kind of music he makes and the lyrics
he puts into his songs and it leaves him exposed and vulnerable to the world in a much more deeply
rooted emotional way than other artists. His music is very deep and real and he's saying clearly that
one of the reasons he chooses this approach is because he has ambitious goals and sees only one
effective way of achieving them and as a result he's constantly busy and takes a no-bullshit
approach to life and this song is absolutely no exception to that.

"They don't see it, I pull out they eyes, I'm on the rise!"

The vast majority of individuals have active ego. In fact, literally every single person without refined
pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value has some extent of active ego, even those with the
unrefined variant (although in that case theirs is typically considerably smaller than that of anyone
with a weaker core value, even if they choose to express themselves in a way that makes it seem
that such is not the case).

Active ego causes a skewed perception of objective reality due to subjective bias and the only way
to deal really effectively with that scenario when the stakes are high is effectively to basically brute
force through that subjective bias wall and forcefully necessitate individuals with skewed perceptions
of objective reality to face the truth that they are trying so hard to deny because they feel entitled to
being able to do so simply because they are alive and capable without going to jail or other explicitly
apparent severe repercussions.

"I've been doin' this for most my life, with no advice"

Since most individuals do not have either variant of pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value,
that also means that by extension most individuals are not qualified to give advice (or at least any
useful advice) to an individual who does.

The result is these individuals must figure out pretty much everything in their journey in life on their
own and that causes emotional strain the longer it's going on. Having to do so for most of his life
goes to show how severe the buildup of emotional strain has become at this point and further
explains the depth of why this song is such an accurate representation of why he is the way he is.
"Take my chances, I just roll the dice, do what I like"

Pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value is already a considerably hard concept to grasp and
really understand and apply in your life in general regardless of variant and there is also the issue of
clearly distinguishing between variants and understanding and applying the difference between them
as well.

One of the critical pieces of information to grasp understanding and applying it in your life is that the
universe is fundamentally probabilistic (this understanding comes primarily from quantum physics)
and what this means in practice is effectively accepting that ultimately nothing is truly guaranteed in
life, for example there's literally no guarantee I'll wake up in the morning tomorrow, and the result is
that you see life probabilistically instead of deterministically and weigh possibilities and advantages
and disadvantages much more carefully and extensively instead of only seeking and accepting very
concrete answers in life.

When done correctly, this is what facilitates a much more grounded mindset that allows one to see
objective reality with a much greater degree of clarity and it really allows you to also understand the
extent that knowledge is power. In the end, you make decisions you truly know are the best you can
do and although it doesn't make you a completely wild animal you're still effectively doing what you
like and "rolling the dice" of the hand that life dealt you.

"As a kid, I was afraid of heights, put that aside"

No crazy hidden message with this one, pretty straightforward.

Just like me, NF was scared of people and attention growing up because he dealt with a lot of abuse
and trauma and didn't trust people in general so preferred to operate from the shadows for the most
part if you will. However, despite no crazy hidden messages it's pretty straightforward as well how
this is a very significant reason for the kind of seemingly crazy behavior that he demonstrates, much
as it is in my case.

Having to not only deal with but completely overcome such an intense emotional burden puts you in
a position where you know you can't just act and live normally and expect it to feel or work right.
Everyone's life is different and this is a very significant difference that holds a lot more meaning to
the person saying it from all the emotional experiences and personal thoughts on a wide range of
topics than could ever easily be explained through the straightforward statement.
"Now I'm here and Nate looks so surprised, well so am I, woo!
They don't invite me to the parties but I still arrive
Kick down the door and then I go inside
Give off that 'I do not belong here' vibe
Then take the keys right off the counter and let's go for a ride
Why do y'all look mortified?"

Because of the level of mental fortitude that an individual with pure bidirectional apprehension as a
core value has, often people end up feeling various negative fear-based emotions such as jealousy
and rage and the result is that the individual often feels uninvited or unappreciated in the presence of
such people.

Since Nathan seems pretty okay with making it very apparent that he wasn't the only one involved in
writing this track, it basically considerably adds to the epicness of it.

Alternatively, you can see it as Nathan referring to his fear being the entity talking to himself,
exclaiming that he's surprised his fear still exists even for all he's achieved, and that even the fear
itself is surprised that it's still there. It's this part where it starts seeming more plausible to consider
the previous line about being in disguise as being a reference to Nathan's fear being what he sees
as writing the words he's rapping in the song.

"I keep to myself, they think I'm sorta shy, organized"

Whether being an individual with the refined or unrefined variant of pure bidirectional apprehension
as a core value, the very harsh and cutthroat nature of the world around you is very apparent to you.
You're hypersensitive to many things and pay close attention to small details many others might
overlook. You reserve judgement on any and everything without having looked at it from several
different angles. You're more cautious with social interaction, particularly to people whom you don't
know very well.

The result is that you may come off to many as somewhat shy, but you yourself know that it's not
shyness but rather a careful and thorough nature that drives you to present yourself the way you do.
With either, you're very aware you have to very carefully maneuver around interactions with people
in order to find a careful balance between giving all that you can of yourself to your environment but
also not being taken advantage of.

"Let You Down's the only song you've heard of? Well then you're behind"
NF was actually very much an underground artist until much more recently when his song "Let You
Down", got radio play time and drastically increased his exposure and basically acted as his ticket to
fame.

Basically, this line goes to show that yet another reason NF thinks and acts the way he does is
because on top of having gone through the kind of shit he's had to go through and for many things is
still going through, he also has to deal with the effects of the massive, sudden fame that he's now
acquired and that brings its own set of responsibilities, emotional burden, and problems.

Most people only know him for one song and that one song is hardly at all a proper representation of
who he really is, especially taking into account that each person who listens is going to interpret the
song in their own way and therefore with their own degree of accuracy and depth.

"Story time, wish that I could think like Big Sean does, but I just can't
decide
If I should stick my knife inside of Pennywise"

This part shows the struggle NF has also with relationships and dating.

He's talking about the Big Sean song "I Don't Fuck With You" when saying he wishes he could think
like Big Sean and basically just throw aside the girl he's currently having a ton of trouble with.

The music video makes multiple references to the movie "It" and here it's reflected in the lyrics as
well. Pennywise is the name of the clown and basically the clown is evil and tried to steal people's
identities and cause fear and doubt. The overall message here is that among the many struggles
he's also dealing with, dating and relationships is not an area that's cutting him any slack either and
yet again he's torn between trying to make things work and basically tossing the girl giving him so
much trouble out of his life and effectively killing that fear and doubt that is slowly eating away at his
identity.

This may seem on the surface like a stance purely filled with anger or hate but the reason why he's
so conflicted is because this girl must mean so much to him and despite all the things she's put him
through there must have still been a line she did not cross and as a result he still feels a lot of
affection towards her and still wants to give her a chance to make it work if she can start behaving
right.

This part can also be a reference to the Big Sean album "I Decided."

The next 3 bars are another scenario where there are 2 distinct interpretations that can be derived
from the words.
"I, I don't care what anybody else thinks, lies!"

The first way to interpret this is that he really does care what people think but he just lies about it
perhaps because either those around him are dishonest about it as well or because him being
honest about it tends to cause people to try to take advantage of him for it.

The alternative interpretation is that he really doesn't care what people think because he sees that
the things people around him tell him they think all just seem to be lies and he's tired of the bullshit
that just makes him have thoughts and feelings that go nowhere positive and are better left not being
had and not caring about.

"I do not need nobody to help me, lies!"

The first way to interpret this is that he does actually need people to help him but he feels weak
being open and allowing his honesty to put him in a vulnerable position so he feels the need to lie
about it so it doesn't send the wrong kind of message but that also leaves him emotionally conflicted
and he doesn't really understand why things have to be that way.

The alternative interpretation is that he doesn't really need people's help but he sees people try to
make it seem like he does or try to make him feel guilty about feeling like he doesn't so it all just
comes off as lies to him and this is him kinda saying like he just doesn't wanna deal with it but it's so
emotionally conflicting that the world is such a fucked up place that this kind of shit happens.

"I kinda feel guilty 'cause I'm wealthy, why?"

The first way to interpret this is that he really does just feel a vague guilt for being rich that he can't
really explain and it's just something that bothers him enough that he finds it worth mentioning.

The alternative interpretation is that he sees people are trying to make him feel guilty for being rich
and he knows very well it comes from a place of jealousy and them trying to bring him down and he
asks it more so rhetorically to send the message that he knows what they're doing and it definitely
has an impact on him but perhaps not the kind that those people may expect or want.

It's only one bar in the whole song so relatively it also shows that while it's something that's present
it's not really that big of a deal compared to all the other things he has to deal with.

"I don't understand, it's got me questionin' like, why? Just tell me why?
Not back to this flow
Inside I feel divided
Back when I ain't had a dime, but had the drive
Back before I ever signed, I questioned life, like, 'Who am I, man?' Woo!"

This part just goes to show further how he thought initially that achieving the goals he first set out to
achieve would bring immense satisfaction and although it's not everything he thought it would ever
be, he also can come to terms with it in a large way because he also knows that he's doing the best
he can to work with what he's got and he knows as conflicted as several aspects of his life may
make him feel, he still has a solid foundation now that he can be proud of and continue to make the
right moves to move forward in a positive way that can still make it all worth it in the end.

This is another part where he talks about his flow and a resemblance can be seen between it and
the flow from "Bounce Back" in Big Sean's "I Decided" album.

"Nothin' to me's ever good enough

I could be workin' for 24 hours a day and think I never did enough
My life is a movie but there ain't no tellin' what you're gonna see in my
cinema
I wanna be great but I get it in the way of myself
And I think about everything that I could never be
Why do I do it though?"

This part shows the extent of his drive and passion to achieve and exceed the expectations that he
sets for himself and shows that instead of just sitting there suffering while going through all his
struggles, he is able to take it as a challenge he feels capable of handling and keep pushing on
through to thrive.

The question posed at the end is purely rhetorical and when interpreted correctly serves to show that
although it seems like he has so much reason to question his desires and goals that he faces that
head-on and uses it as fuel to keep going instead of like a shackle that holds him back.
"Why you always lookin' aggravated?"

This can actually be seen from 3 different angles: Someone else posing the question to him, him
posing the question to himself with genuine desire for introspection, and him posing the question
rhetorically to further demonstrate the extent of his struggles.

In the case of someone else posing the question to him, it shows how this state of constant
aggravation that results from all the struggles he constantly deals with has now snowballed
externally to people judging him for simply existing and carrying himself the way he does and despite
all his attempts to be a good person life basically bitch slapped him in the face for it and how other
people see him carry himself constantly for it is yet another thing he has to deal with.

The interpretation of posing it internally for introspection serves to show how even still it's a constant
struggle on how to present himself given everything he's been through.

The interpretation of rhetorical presentation shows the extent of the depth that such a seemingly
simple statement serves to demonstrate to a more intellectually and emotionally mature individual.

"Not a choice, you know I had to make it"

If the last statement wasn't enough of a slap in the face, yet again this bar shows how struggle after
struggle the smarter you try to be and the harder you strive for excellence and being a good person,
the harder life tries to suppress and oppress you to the point that it becomes a point in itself as one
of the reasons to carry yourself in such a way that most people can barely begin to scratch the
surface of fully understanding.

"When they talk about the greatest, they gon' probably never put us in the
conversation"

Well, NF mentioned earlier about not being the only one involved in writing this song.

This goes back to show that once again, that earlier statement wasn't just some random gimmick to
leave people questioning what he even really meant, he's boldly proclaiming that although he's
clearly the only one explicitly taking credit for the song, there are indeed other people involved.

Additionally, it can be seen as his fear talking and exclaiming how people will talk about Nathan but
not address him and his fear together when they talk about him, likely being inclined to ignore
thinking about or addressing the fear that drove what he appears to possibly even be stating wrote
as much as the entire song.

This adds to the power of the message explaining why he is the way he is as is the intent of this
song. It also goes to show the tension between him and those other people or even perhaps his own
fear, because whoever he's addressing naturally would be unsettled that they don't get explicit credit
for all of their efforts and he is simultaneously showing his fear in regards to the potential outcomes
of such a situation as it's playing out.

"Like somethin' then I gotta take it

Write somethin' then I might erase it
I ain't love it then I really hate it
What's the problem, Nathan?
I don't know!"

Individuals with pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value are extremely driven to achieve and
exceed expectations.

Notice how I said driven and not motivated.

Motivation is garbage. It comes and goes, if some kind of short-term emotional stimuli exists to push
it then it's present, but after that fades, so does the motivation.

Drive works on pull.

Being pushed to do something means you're consciously forcing yourself and effectively working
against your nature in order to achieve something you're going after. Being driven means you're
pulled to it and you're actually working with your nature as opposed to against it and that allows you
to work much harder, more effectively, and in a sustained manner, which facilitates much better
results.

Working deeply and effectively in this state also means that you may end up trying many different
approaches as potential solutions and possibly fail many times when tackling a problem but you will
keep trying different things until something finally works the way you need it to. For the purposes of
explaining why he is the way he is, this portion serves to represent the constant pressure that being
in that state causes, even if you adapt to it.
"I know I like to preach to always be yourself
But my emotions make me feel like I am someone else
Me and pride had made a pact that we don't need no help
Which feels like I'm at war inside myself but I forgot the shells
I hold my issues up for all to see, like show and tell
A lot of people know me, but not a lot know me well"

A person with pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value, whether refined or unrefined, is an
individual extremely hard to read and understand, especially to someone who does not possess the
core value themselves.

They go through a lot of struggle but the struggle is impressive to have overcome and to them they
have an explanation that demonstrates power they gained through it which makes them hold it up to
the world with pride as opposed to trying to hide it out of shame.

This can also be further used to be in reference of not only Nathan's fear but fear as an emotion in
general; in much the same fashion that it can be considered Nathan is expressing that his fear wrote
several lines in the song, this line may also be one of them. Nathan is expressing his intense and
deep experiences with fear, to the level of opening himself up to such a significant extent throughout
this song as he has in many others. He's expressing that not a lot of people know being afraid the
way he does.

This is indeed true, as Nathan possesses a core value of pure bidirectional apprehension of at the
least the unrefined variant, and as such individuals perceive and interact with fear in a way
drastically different from the vast majority of people, he's indeed correct about his assertion that not
a lot of people know fear as well as he does.
 Energy
You may be wondering why trying to do a Google search for quantum energy harvesting meditation
produces no useful results. There seems to be no real information on it on the internet. I've had
multiple people confront me about that in the past already, asking me how it can even exist if they
can't find it on Google. If you're one of those kinds of people, I'm just going to give it to you straight,
you're mentally retarded. You should probably go see a doctor.

If I try doing a Google search for your social insurance number, why can't I find any useful results?
Because it's hidden. It's a secret. This isn't something just anyone who hears about it should be able
to learn about in detail and be able to work towards themselves without any qualifications. Quantum
energy arts harvesting meditation, particularly at tier 3, which is the highest tier and the one I'm at, is
only for Permanent Chiefs of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of refined pure
bidirectional apprehension. If you're qualified to know, you'll be informed, and it sure as hell won't be
through Google searching for it. If you're not qualified, keep dreaming.

That being said, I won't reveal the details of the techniques that encompass quantum energy
harvesting meditation, particularly at the tier 3 level. That's right, the art actually has 3 distinct tiers at
which one can practice it in, and although Permanent Chiefs of the Shadow Confederation with a
core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension are the only ones qualified to know about and
actively practice at the tier 3 level, there are actually already others out there which do not fit that
criteria who exist at the tier 1 and tier 2 levels, although nearly all of them follow other specific
schools of thought for guidance regarding the details of the nature and discipline of their practice.

As far as the tiers go, you can summarize it by saying that tier 3 is the only level really worth
anything to anyone if you don't want to be a monk meditating in the mountains for hundreds if not
thousands of years. An individual at tier 1 is one who follows a primitive form of teachings outlining
quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques, and one at tier 2 is one who has followed any
given aforementioned primitive form of teachings for an extensive period of time, at least multiple
decades, and has achieved at least simple supernatural powers through them, such as energy
modulation to the extent of healing, or energy projection to the extent of simple matter displacement.

Quantum energy harvesting meditation is a practice that, regardless of tier, requires considerable
patience and discipline. In order to harvest quantum energy through meditation, one must be in a
sufficiently relaxed state, both physically and mentally, while also being able to accurately identify
and channel their energy through their body via their energy centers using what is known as focused
controlled aggression. When applying focused controlled aggression in the right way, quantum
energy will enter the individual's body through energy centers. This energy must have the flow of it
contained and directed in the right ways using certain techniques in order to be stored within energy
cores, or it will be released back into the space external to the individual's body, making the
endeavor of drawing it in effectively useless.

The functional effectiveness of harvesting quantum energy comes in the resulting ability to exert
disruption of the quantum field using the stored energy in order to influence the material world. The
extents within which an individual can disrupt the quantum field and cause effects within the material
world depends upon the amount of quantum energy they have stored beforehand, as well as their
ability to project it outwards in a fashion that facilitates disruption of the quantum field using focused
controlled aggression.

This knowledge isn't kept hidden simply because I want the greatest degree of control possible over
everyone else in the world. Given how livid I am at the world, I'd be lying if I said that wasn't an
influencing factor, however the more decisive reason is that it's extremely dangerous for any
individual with a core value other than refined pure bidirectional apprehension to acquire this
knowledge and start actively practicing tier 3 quantum energy harvesting meditation. The danger
comes both to themselves as well as the entire world, and this comes from the considerably stronger
nature of tier 3 in opposition to lower tiers which when combined with an individual with considerable
subjective bias due to their active ego, will result in someone who has an insane amount of power at
their disposal to do the worst things possible with given a sufficient amount of patience and
dedication. While it's true that patience and dedication are still necessary, the extent to which they're
significant is very clearly worth it, especially compared to the lower tiers. Additionally, the process of
meditation itself has an exclusive focus on the flow of energy and not on adapting mental thought
processes, so the individual will not be even slightly liberated from their ego as a direct result
exclusively from practicing the meditation techniques.

Having a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension isn't a prerequisite that any teachings
of tier 1 quantum energy harvesting meditation specify nor enforce, however the reason this hasn't
had severely detrimental results thus far is simply because of the significantly crippling weaknesses
of tier 1 quantum energy harvesting versus tier 3. The effect that practicing tier 1 quantum energy
harvesting meditation has on an individual is a process that fundamentally encourages considerable
patience and dedication with a very gradual reward curve. One can spend decades at tier 1 and still
be nowhere close to flying via advanced levitation. The nature of the practice enforces discipline with
the power gained as it's obtained.
Mo-Pai Neikung

Now, you may have read all that and be thinking that it's great and all that I can explain this whole
thing in technical terms, but still be understandably in considerable disbelief that the understanding I
have of the concept extends anywhere beyond an abstract description of it. Do I have a treat for you.

There are actually many schools in the Eastern world that teach an art known as Neikung, and to
practitioners of this art, although perhaps the English words might not be recognized, the concept is
far from foreign. One such school has had a significantly progressed practitioner within it, the one
entrusted with the legacy from his master, come forward to produce a documentary and a book that
reveals the kind of abilities obtainable with the process of training and even provides several details
of the supposed process that he followed and the understandings that he's come to have in his
training. These pieces are publicly available on the internet.

In the documentary, which one can view by searching "New John Chang video" on YouTube, the
man, going under the name "John Chang" (which is claimed to be his real name but it's uncertain
and some claim it isn't) is seen performing several feats that, without some form of illusory trickery,
could only be achieved using supernatural abilities. He demonstrates his abilities in various
capacities, explains his experience, and allows experts to test him in various ways to confirm that
he's not playing any tricks to achieve the results he's displaying. He demonstrates things such as
healing, current conduction, catching a bullet with his bare hand, and lighting a newspaper on fire, all
facilitated by his quantum energy harvested throughout his many years of practicing Mo-Pai
Neikung.

The man himself doesn't speak much English and only knows the concepts as they are explained
and related to from the teachings in his school of training. He demonstrates the results of quantum
energy harvesting meditation. His demonstration means he's certainly at least at tier 1; he may
perhaps be tier 2, although from only the video and the book it's unclear. He seems considerably
advanced and appears to only be using a considerably small percentage of his actual capabilities in
the video or in any of the activities described in the book, so it's very possible he's tier 2. Regardless,
he demonstrates his very real and objectively quantifiable abilities as a quantum energy arts user of
at least the first tier.

As for what the words actually mean, Mo-Pai Neikung stands for "The school of Mo-Tzu for internal
power". Neikung itself means "internal power" and there are actually multiple schools, such as the
Mao-shan Pai or the Wutang-Pai, that teach this art in different ways. Mr. Chang himself was taught
by a man named Liao Tsu Tong who was handed the heir to the lineage from his master, Pai Lok
Nen.
Pai Lok Nen died because he'd given mercy to a warlord named Lim that he'd bested in a fight. At
the time, the warlord was many levels below him, and Pai removed his eyes but spared his life. The
blinded man trained very hard for the next 10 years, thinking only of revenge. It took him two years
simply to find Pai's home afterwards, but he managed to do it. At the time he initially arrived, Pai was
in meditation in the mountains and Liao was present. Liao fooled Lim into killing a slave Pai had
named Assam by convincing him it was Pai, and Lim left before Pai actually came back from his
meditation.

Upon seeing the damage Lim had done to the body, Pai knew he was above level fifty. He felt
responsible for creating a monster and he set out to fight him himself, giving Liao the heir to his
lineage. After a week of looking for Lim, Pai found him and they fought in a forest for more than three
days straight, both being at level fifty one and tearing up a chunk of the forest with their abilities. In
the end, they killed each other.

You can bet that I learned from the big mistake Pai made. I won't be giving anyone any mercy when
I start destroying the world.

Anyways, it's quite a story, but I won't go into it here. If you're interested, you can read the book one
of Mr. Chang's very few Western students wrote, titled "The Magus of Java: Teachings of an
Authentic Taoist Immortal". Upon reading, you'll realize the title is actually somewhat misleading;
although Mr. Chang comes from a Taoist lineage, he himself doesn't consider himself Taoist. The
book itself doesn't make much mention of religion however and only mentions it more so from an
intellectual and historical perspective, and instead chooses to focus on knowledge and experiences
with the man himself, so it's an interesting read nonetheless. Perhaps the easiest way to explain the
art is by using a very small excerpt from the book itself.

According to Chinese thought, there are basically two types of training

involving our vital energies: ch‟ikung and neikung. It is difficult to say
where one ends and the other begins, but essentially ch‟ikung centers on the
development and control of yang ch‟i (also called lii ch‟i or “fire” ch‟i),
while neikung involves the joint employment of yang ch‟i and yin ch‟i (called
“water” ch‟i or kann ch‟i). In truth, yin and yang energies run parallel to
each other in our bodies, and both are vital to our continued health. Like
yin and yang, it is impossible to separate ch‟ikung from neikung; indeed, the
latter is a higher form of the same art. Perhaps the distinction was created
simply to help define the abilities of the adept. Yang ch‟i cannot pass
beyond the confines of the physical body, while yin ch‟i can and so may
impart to the practitioner preternatural abilities such as those demonstrated
by Master Chang.

Now, this might seem fascinating and shocking to you, and you may wonder why this isn't much
more widely known. Well, it's not quite as glamorous as it seems. There are a few quite serious
issues with the practice of Mo-Pai Neikung.

Insufficient publicly accessible information

The only significant amount of information available on this school of practice is information available
on level 1 and most of level 2.

This was made public by a westerner named Jim McMillan which was fortunate enough to have
John Chang agree to let him train under him.

It's not exactly easy to obtain the entire original piece released by this man. Even if you manage to
get your hands on it, it's hardly very useful.

Level 2 is stated to have multiple parts and only the first part is provided.

As of the writing of this book, there has yet to be a single person to successfully demonstrate
execution of anything significant from the information available there alone.

Basically, even if you have the discipline and willpower to carry through with all the meditation and
techniques necessary, there isn't even sufficient material available for you to know what to do and be
able to actually go through the process of getting anywhere significant in the practice.

72 hour rule

First of all, the factor that already single-handedly decimates most people's ability to ever practice it
is the fact that you cannot harvest quantum energy using the technique it outlines without
encountering extremely high risk of rupturing your inner energy core that it utilizes exclusively for the
harvesting process at any point within 72 hours after an orgasm from any source.

Yes, you heard right. No orgasms from masturbation nor sex, and if you're a male, even having a
wet dream qualifies under this rule. As for women, there's no given indication how exactly this
applies, but presumably even orgasms without squirting still aren't allowed. Essentially, you must
endure being constantly massively sexually deprived in order to practice Mo-Pai Neikung and
progress towards any of the supernatural abilities that it facilitates using its path. This is a hard
limitation that all effective variations of tier 1 and even tier 2 quantum energy harvesting meditation
carry with them. It makes the entire process, and the overall quality of one's life, considerably more
unpleasant.
For me personally, this single-handedly ruined the viability of practicing this technique at any lower
tier. I have an extremely high sex drive, and that's something I enjoy a lot and wish to retain and
thoroughly enjoy for the rest of my entire existence. Even for those without an extremely high sex
drive, I'm quite confident that trading any serious ability to enjoy sexual activity of any kind
permanently for supernatural powers seems extremely unpleasant and makes it sound a lot less
appealing than it otherwise would be.

Gigantic health risks

All practitioners of this school know that there are significant risks associated with the practice, even
when done correctly and under the supervision of a teacher in a school environment. This is
because for all the things that Neikung arts get right, they also still get plenty wrong. In the area of
internal energy, one that ties so directly into an individual's life force and will to live, doing anything
wrong can very easily result in immediate or considerably hastened death.

The very first level contains pretty much no direct health risks, and actually should improve overall
health with active practice, much like other meditation practices. Even still, the process described by
Jim that's now in the public domain is incomplete and even still can cause problems over a very long
period of time, particularly without guidance from someone very experienced. Even more
concerning, it carries the risk of harvesting quantum energy excessively without channeling, and as
a result, having that energy "harden" in the energy core within which it's gathered, resulting in one's
inability to ever advance to further stages. As such, once practicing has begun, careful monitoring by
a teacher becomes necessary, and one must advance to the second level as soon as they possibly
can, in order to avoid the hardening of the quantum energy due to the purely linear approach of
harvesting being employed within the system.

The process described as "Level 2a" in the document written by Jim is certainly incorrect. It's been
correctly stated by some that the procedure that's been made publicly available is largely incorrect
and will certainly cause harm to anyone who does it. Assuming this is misinformation being fed by
genuine practitioners to mislead others from attaining level 2, there still remains the issue that's been
said that level 2 is dangerous, even when done properly and under the supervision of a teacher in a
school setting.

I personally can guarantee that this description of Level 2 is wrong, and if it actually is the Level 2
method that's used in the school, it's no wonder that it's openly accepted that anything past Level 1
has serious risks. Holding your breath while tensing multiple muscles unnaturally is terrible practice.
You're building up considerable amounts of physical and mental pressure that will bleed into your
daily life, shortening your life span. This isn't natural tension such as that in your legs while standing.
You're going against the fundamental principal of meditation to relax yourself and facilitate the
separation of physical and mental energy utilization.

When combined with the fact that it's considerably difficult, if not impossible, for someone starting off
to advance to level 2 at the right time of having stored not too little energy but also not having gone
considerably overboard and allowed the energy to harden or simply pushing themselves too far
and/or wasting a lot of time when they've already stored a sufficient amount in initial phases using
the single very simple indication given by Jim which many may never experience and on its own also
isn't sufficient to determine that the right amount of energy has been stored, this means attempting
to practice Mo-Pai Neikung, particularly with the intent of obtaining any of the abilities demonstrated
by practitioners of more advanced levels such as the man referred to as "John Chang", given only
the publicly accessible information is certainly at the least a completely futile endeavor, and if "Level
2a" as supplied by Jim McMillan is followed, certainly one that will damage one's health and result in
an early death.

Very discriminatory schools

The active schools that teach this practice are not only hard to find and extremely limited in terms of
location coverage across the world, but they also only allow Asian students. That's right, if you're any
other race, you're deemed not worthy or capable, simply because of your race. There hasn't been
too much discussion on this limitation, but it's very possible that depending on the exact teacher,
even specific races within the general Asian race will be rejected as students, most likely simply due
to the preference/bias of the teacher. Not exactly something one can call objectively justified criteria.
This restriction alone absolutely decimates any chance a very large part of the population could ever
have to learn this art, due to something entirely out of their control to ever even attempt to change.

Extensive and painful effective training period

There isn't a whole lot of public information on exactly what goes on behind closed doors when
disciples of this school are being trained. It's been said by some, however, that the process can be
quite physically taxing and painful sometimes, and the teachers may force disciples to do "strange
things" as part of their practice. Sounds really shady and potentially an additional layer of danger on
top of the already present danger from simply practicing the art at any of the advanced levels.
Additionally, there's the fact that due to it being a tier 1 quantum energy harvesting methodology, the
process of training will be quite long, and even after being trained decently enough by a teacher to
have some extent of abilities, there's still hundreds of years to go before you can do all the cool stuff
like fly and have full-coverage barriers around you that protect you from bullets, bombs, and other
dangerous and potentially even deadly things that someone could attack you with.
Viability

Due to the slow speed of training at tier 1 or even tier 2 of quantum energy harvesting, it's pretty
much certain that any practitioner, even the most advanced masters, will have their physical body
die before they are able to achieve true immortality. The most these individuals can hope for is a
partial immortality, that of being a spirit that retains many human characteristics, however even that
cannot last. All things considered, while the power obtainable through the active practice of Mo-Pai
Neikung is appealing, it should be quite obvious why more people won't (and can't even) start
practicing it. Additionally, due to the various factors involved in the process of acquiring the abilities
that it's known for, it becomes seriously questionable whether the results are even worth the effort.
The layers upon layers of traditions and modifications by each generation it's passed onto mean it
constantly warps. The lack of deep intellectual insights that results from the thirst for power driving
training rather than a wholesome approach to life with a perspective completely free from active ego
means that it will forever be hindered by those who teach it and those who practice it will never
achieve the true full potential they would be capable of under the right training.
Tier 3 Quantum Energy Harvesting

Now that you know all the serious pitfalls of tier 1 quantum energy harvesting, you must be
wondering how exactly tier 3 quantum energy harvesting solves them. Well, as I said earlier, I'm not
going to be disclosing all the details of the techniques I know of here, however I'll provide some
basic insights in contrast to Mo-Pai Neikung.

First a little more insight into how the concepts described in ancient Chinese works relates to the
field of quantum mechanics. Indeed, even those that have made nuclear bombs with this knowledge
have not thus far been able to understand concepts that make it much more useful and powerful for
purposes that need not be exclusively destructive.

Most are familiar with Yin and Yang. These are considered to be two opposing energies. They are
actually concepts clearly definable within the field of quantum mechanics.

Yang is what I formally declare Base Potential, or BP for short. Base potential is the energy
contained within subatomic particles at the subatomic level within the quantum field.

Yin is what I formally declare Action Potential, or AP for short. Action potential is the energy
contained between subatomic particles at the subatomic level within the quantum field.

BP and AP combine to form the entirety of the quantum field. There is no "blank space" within the
quantum field; it's all energy. Additionally, it's an area fundamentally driven by probabilities; this is
demonstrated in its fundamental building blocks being represented as potential. Indeed, these are
forces that are both opposing, but also work together, and must both be present for an object to
have life. This understanding is not in contradiction with how these concepts are described by Mr.
Chang. With only BP, an object retains form but is lifeless. With only AP, there is ability for energy to
be manipulated but no vessel for the manipulation to be performed upon. With both BP and AP, an
expression of energy with life can be observed. Different mixtures of BP and AP being projected by a
practitioner of the quantum energy arts will result in different effects, that is different expressions of
energy with a life of their own, being observable.

No detrimental practice restrictions

This is huge, especially when looking in comparison to Mo-Pai Neikung. There's no 72 hour rule
here. You can orgasm 10 times in a day and get right to practicing the meditation technique right
after. There are no health risks involved in the practice. Quantum energy harvesting meditation
techniques all can only improve your overall health, and none of them can ever inherently cause
stroke, heart attack, or organ/nerve damage.
Objectively quantifiable accessibility restrictions

While teachers of Mo-Pai Neikung use something like race alone to drastically discriminate against
potential disciples, nothing like that exists here. The only restriction is one must have a core value of
refined pure bidirectional apprehension and be a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation.
Given the extreme power of quantum energy harvesting, this restriction is not only very clearly
objectively quantifiable, but also very clearly objectively validated. It'd be extremely irresponsible to
make this information public, or simply charge some kind of fee for it. It's so powerful that no amount
of money should be able to purchase it, and instead, only someone of a worthy character suitable to
practice it safely and with the best possible intentions is deemed worthy to do so. I think anyone
reasonably rational would agree this is a much better qualifying criteria than immediately excluding
anyone not of a certain race, which I find quite frankly absolutely ridiculous for any teacher of an art
so valuable that they should be much more level-headed than that to have.

Unobfuscated process

Because I'm a fucking savage, I'm going to outline all the levels of the quantum energy arts at tier 3
here. Mo-Pai Neikung is said to have 72 levels that each coincide with opening of a different chakra
point, which means as far as the levels go there is an enormous emphasis on the many minor
chakra points as there are only 7 major ones. Tier 3 quantum energy harvesting on the other hand
actually opens a major chakra point at every level and instead uses power level to objectively
quantify the strength of an individual.

Quantum energy harvesting is essentially the topic of meditation within the context of applying
controlled focus both in and out of a sub-conscious state, using the right technique to facilitate the
increased utilization of quantum energy from the quantum field, up to and including complete
immortality of the physical body.

Although I share quite a bit of information here, nothing I'm sharing involves the intricate details that
would allow someone to actually practice the training with any degree of effective efficiency.
Knowing the general gist of each level and the chakra progression leaves one with a very tedious
trial and error process, and seeing as any more significant mistake in technique will result in
shortened lifespan or immediate death, it's far more likely one would die before they finish trying to
guess how to reach any significant level. I'm choosing to release this amount of information to
demonstrate clearly that I have no issue with proving I know what I'm talking about, while at the
same time that I have absolutely no desire to attempt to compete with others in becoming as
powerful as possible as fast as possible for any reason. I'm not doing this because I want to be
stopped, because I'm simply trying to share my knowledge for the fuck of it, or because I want
competition or any kind of adrenaline rush.
Revealing this information demonstrates that I'm not foolish as to believe that I can destroy the world
using any method relying on other people or other external factors that give rise to circumstances
where there can be points of failure that effectively negate the threat beyond my control. I'm using
reliable knowledge that any individual could do so with if they had the information and the discipline
to execute on developing their hidden inner abilities and then exerting the influence that those
abilities bestow upon them upon the world. This isn't some kind of speculation nor flaunting of a plan
that others would be able to stop, but rather a certain procedure that fully depends upon my own
discipline and willpower to execute, and to that extent, the only point of failure possible is a lack of
discipline on my part; I have no concerns about that whatsoever.

I won't ever be releasing the full details of the art for the general public anywhere under any
circumstances. This knowledge is extremely dangerous to yourself and others if it's handed to you in
detail and you're not ready to receive it and very carefully guided. I want it to be completely clear that
it's not my desire to simply bring chaos and destruction to the world regardless of even my ultimate
fantasy being fulfilled if it does somehow happen. If I get what I want, I'll make sure this world starts
growing in a healthier direction. If not, I'll make sure I destroy it by my own hand by the power
bestowed on me by objective reality. This was never up for debate and never will be.

The following briefly explains the stages during advancement of the training process that involves
yogic respiratory-psychophysiological practices that utilize the understandings of philopsychology to
enhance and optimize them.
Level 0 - Essential existence

 Any material object in existence that's present in the material world can be considered level
0. This includes inanimate objects, which obviously cannot progress to any higher levels.
 People who are not truly awake and aware of the reality around them and fully conscious
about the decisions they make are here.
 People in this category are essentially controlled entirely by their subconscious as they have
not even attempted to truly control it, having only the illusion of control.
 The vast majority of the current human population falls under this category, and this is a
natural consequence of the evolution of the universe.

The Magus of Java shares Mr. Chang's view on existence as it relates to the fundamental energies:

“Yin and yang,” he said softly, “exist in the world. They are universal
forces found in all of nature, from one end of the universe to the other.
They are not poetry—they are actual, physical forces, there for all of us to
experience and observe.”
“Where does the yang ch‟i come from?” I asked.
“It is in the air. Nature creates it, life uses it. All things that are alive
have both yin and yang ch‟i.” He pounded his desk. “This is yang. Of itself
it is lifeless. For life to exist, a body must have both yin and yang.”
All things carry the yin on their backs and enfold yang within; when the two
combine, life‟s energy is created harmoniously. This stanza from the Tao Te
Ching leapt into my mind once again; it was intriguing how Chang Sifu‟s
teachings both complemented and contradicted the available literature on
Taoism.

“When you say all living things, do you mean plants, animals. . . ?”
“Everything! Everything that is alive has yin and yang ch‟i.”
“Where does yin ch‟i come from?” Andreas asked.
“From the earth. The yin comes from the earth. It is some kind of field
phenomenon that feeds our lifeforce. It can be blocked by insulators. For
example, if you have a carpet made from synthetic materials in your house,
the yin ch‟i cannot pass through it. That‟s not so good for your health.
“The yin ch‟i enters the body through an acupuncture point that we call hui
yin, he added. “It‟s located between the urinary tract and the anus.”
Level 1 - Enter your subconscious

 Learning how to enter a subconscious awareness state.

 This is often described as not being fully awake nor asleep, your body is resting but your
mind is fully aware of reality.
 There are special techniques and things to pay attention to during this level. Public
information is insufficient.
 All efforts to advance are largely useless if level 1 is not fully mastered before attempting to
move on; results are at best slow and unreliable, and at worst uncontrollable and unreliable.
 Most people in the world have not even started attempting to master this level, and will never
be fully awakened the way they live.
 It can take a lot of patience and determination to get through this level alone, and some
people will have to stay here longer than others.
 It is ideal that before or during this process, one attains a core value of refined pure
bidirectional apprehension and frees themselves from any active ego completely; the training
will be hindered and the individual poses a larger inherent risk to themselves and others
otherwise.
 The Root Chakra is opened in this level.

Mr. Chang has explained the requirements for level 1 of Mo-Pai Neikung:

We moved over to a table and John began to jot down notes for me. “Look,” he
said, “I have already told you that Level One is simply to fill up your
dantien with yang ch‟i, right? That requires eighty-one hours of absolute
meditation. Now, a beginning student cannot hold his concentration for long.
Perhaps in one hour of sitting, he is actually in meditation for 1.3 minutes.
That means he is meditating only 2.2 percent of the time, which means that if
he sits for one hour a day, he needs ten years of training to get his eighty-
one hours of meditation.”
“What is actual meditation like?” I asked.
“There are no thoughts and there is no sense of time. If you are thinking,
you are not in meditation. If you are aware of yourself, you are also not in
meditation. You must become like a baby in the womb, there and yet not there.
Meditation is like the borderline between sleep and waking, between
consciousness and unconsciousness.”
“Very difficult.”
“Not so difficult, Kosta. You stayed in meditation for long periods when you
were an embryo and a baby, and you pass through it now each time you drift
off to sleep. You just have to remember how.”

The description of meditation in general is relevant, but while you jump right into storing BP in level 1
of Mo-Pai Neikung, the actual technique used to start storing BP is employed starting at level 2 of
tier 3 quantum energy harvesting meditation. This easing process with different procedures and
requirements that don't exist in Mo-Pai Neikung is a part of the reason why there is no 72 hour rule
in tier 3 quantum energy harvesting meditation.
Level 2 - Starting to store BP

 Learning how to apply focused concentration and using special breathing while in a deeply
meditative state.
 The focus must be maintained at a laser-point precision to be effective. Particularly at the
beginning, this will not come easily to most.
 You must store a lot of BP, and you must ensure it's adequately compressed so there's
sufficient energy for the following level to work with.
 Up to a certain extent, the more you store before attempting to move on to later levels, the
safer you are in trying them, and the easier you will see faster and better results.
 Let's consider 1 hour of focused concentration in a subconscious meditative state equivalent
to 1 "power level". By this standard, Mo-Pai recommends at least a power level of 81 before
advancing to its level 2. Based on the given descriptions, its level 1 and 2 are both contained
in tier 3 quantum energy harvesting's level 2.
 The Sacral Chakra is opened in this level.

The Magus of Java describes energy storage in level 1 and 2 of Mo-Pai Neikung:

“When we train for Level One, do we gather only yang ch‟i?” Andreas asked.
“No. You gather both yin and yang, because the two always go together,
struggling, one always trying to complement the other. But inside your
dantien, you put only yang ch‟i. The yin ch‟i goes else- where in the body.
It is useless to you before you finish Level Four.”
“And for Level Two,” I asked, “we compress the yang ch‟i in our dantien,
correct?”
“Yes.” John said. He pulled out a sheet of paper, picked up a pencil, and
drew a circle on it. “Say this is the dantien, right? First it is empty; then
we fill it with yang ch‟i.”
“Then, for Level Two, we compress the yang ch‟i and actually introduce twice
as much into the same area. We make it hard, so to speak. This is what you
are working on now, Kosta. As you know, you must be sexually abstinent to
complete this training.”
I was not very happy about the sexual abstinence part, but the results were
undeniable and there was no way around it. Chang Sifu‟s explanation had been
very different from that put forth by the other theories I had read.
According to mainstream Chinese literature, the idea was that the energy in
the sperm of the male (the Chinese word ching means both “sperm” and
“essence”) was transformed into ch‟i. Chang Sifu had simply said that sexual
abstinence kept “the gates of the dantien” open so that the ch‟i could be
compressed.

Mr. Chang gives a warning about level 2 of Mo-Pai Neikung, as it's already very dangerous on
someone with low self-control:

“I told him that he had to be very careful from now on,” John said. “When you
finish with Level Two, your ch‟i is always ready to move. Much of it is
governed by your emotions. If he were to hit a man in anger now, the ch‟i
would run into that man‟s body and destroy his heart. The man would die.”
“What if he hits him on the arm, say?” I asked.
“It doesn‟t matter where he hits him. The ch‟i will always run up to the
other‟s heart, and it will kill him. And you know, no Western hospital in the
world can help a man hit in that manner. He will die unless treated by
someone like me within twenty-four hours.”
“You‟re right. He should be very careful from now on.”
“Yes. You know, when we teach new students kung fu, we always move slowly,
and always without power. Safety is our primary concern. People see that on
occasion and think we are weak; bad mistake.”
Level 3 - Starting to store AP

 Learning how to distinguish between BP and AP.

 Projection uses variance in both of these energies to achieve the desired results when
manipulating matter.
 Fine-tuned control and recognition is vital to moving to the next level. This is achieved by
raising power level.
 It is dangerous (both to personal and environmental health) to attempt projection before a
decent power level is reached.
 Stored AP will also be used to move around and begin to manipulate energy reserves
internally.
 The Solar Plexus Chakra is opened in this level.

This is what The Magus of Java has to say about Mo-Pai Neikung's level 3:

“In Level Three we make the dantien mobile. We can make it move, in other
words.”
“We move it in these four directions at first, like an X; after that we can
make the dantien move anywhere,” he continued.
I thought about that. I had a friend in Greece who was a Korean Master of
Tang Soo Do and a practitioner of neikung. He had on several occasions
publicly demonstrated his prowess by breaking two-by-four wooden beams,
inviting anyone in the audience to attempt the feat before he did (no one had
dared). This man had a “ball” in his belly at the dantien point, a solid mass
that he moved around at will. Manipulating the ball as John had indicated,
this man could pass ch‟i energy into his arms and legs. One physician, upon
examining him, had thought my friend had cancer when he felt the huge lump;
the doctor had gone through the roof when my friend had caused the ball to
dance around. I said as much to John.
“It is the same for us,” he replied after a long silence. “This man is at
least Level Three.”
“You mean the ball that moves around in his belly corresponds to our Level
Three?” I asked.
“Yes. It is a solid lump of hardened yang ch‟i he can tap into, and use, at
will.”
Level 4 - Basic projection

 Learning how to project quantum energy to perform basic manipulation on physical matter.
 This is commonly referred to as Telekinesis / Psychokinesis.
 This can be as simple as knocking over an empty can or something similar, purely by
projecting.
 It will be difficult at first, but gets easier as one progresses. Based on Mr. Chang's
description of his abilities becoming usable at Mo-Pai's level 5 and above, this level achieves
at least its level 4 and 5, if not also several more.
 The Heart Chakra is opened in this level.

This is what The Magus of Java has to say about Mo-Pai Neikung's level 4:

“Sifu,” Andreas said, “will you tell us about Level Four now?”
“If you wish. When we are finished with Level Three, we send our yang down to
the hui yin. There it gathers as much yin as we have sent down yang. After a
time, maybe even months or years, yin and yang rise together...
“The white circle is the yang, the black the yin. They float around inside
the body, and the pain is incredible, constant, unbelievable. Only if you
have the discipline to ignore it can you control them and put their power
inside your dantien. At that point, they become squeezed together and take
this shape, like the t‟ai chi symbol.”

“If you are successful,” John continued, “by forcing the two together, you
also force them to react. Remember, they are not like electrical poles; they
do not attract each other, but repel. This is how the spark, the lightning
bolt between the two is generated, and you begin to become as I am.”
“And if we are not successful?” I asked.
“Then you will probably die,” John said softly. “There is no point in doing
this type of training unless you are ready to die for it.”

This is how Mr. Chang explained his personal experience with Mo-Pai Neikung's level 4:

“Like riding a bucking bronco!” he replied. “The first time that I was
successful, I fainted and could not hold on. There was so much power there! I
have already told you that in Level Four our yin and yang ch‟i come together.
The power that is generated then is incredible, like having a lightning bolt
in your belly. The second time I tried, I was unsuccessful also. But the
third time . . . the third time I held on to it for ten minutes, then forced
it into the very center of my dantien. At that point the power was mine,
forever.”
Level 5 - Advanced projection

 Learning how to do advanced quantum energy projection to perform higher level matter
manipulation.
 The details of Mo-Pai's training at this point are not to any degree publicly known, however if
the number of levels in its system is to be assumed to be true, this level must be equivalent
to several of its levels, if not also containing things that Mo-Pai neglects entirely.
 The Throat Chakra is opened in this level. It's commonly associated with communication, but
in reality the throat heavily modulates breathing, which facilitates more powerful energy
utilization when harnessed properly.

Masters of this level can also sense this in others without seeing any outward expression indicating
it. Some of these kinds of things include:

 Levitation / Flying - Focus on manipulating personal aura with controlled aggression.

 Healing abilities - Focus on reversing effects of rampant uncontrolled aggression.
 Pyrokinesis - Focus on intense disposition of energy and applying controlled aggression.
 Electrogenesis - Focus on subtle disposition of energy and applying controlled aggression.
 Astral Travelling - Reverse projection of ego within controlled aggression state.

This is what The Magus of Java has to say about progression through the levels:

“Sifu, what is the difference in ability between, for example, someone at

Level Five and Level Six?” Andreas asked.
“The power doubles,” John said simply. “For each level after Level Three, the
power doubles.”
“Wait a minute,” I said. Handoko, Andreas, and I looked at each other,
shocked. “Sifu, do you mean to say. . . .”
“Yes. Each level has twice the power of the previous.”
“So Level Six has twice that of Level Five, Level Seven twice that of Level
Six, and so on,” Handoko said slowly.
“Yes,” John replied simply. Handoko and I looked at each other again. My
mouth fell open. It must have been very surreal, like a silent movie.
“Jesus,” I said. The implication was that the levels of power progressed
exponentially, following the algebraic law 2(x-3). Someone at Level Four was
two times stronger than a human being. Someone at Level Six was 2 x 2 x 2 = 8
times more powerful. And someone at Level Thirty was 227 times (or roughly
134 million times) more powerful than the average human being, at least from
the standpoint of lifeforce. Oh, I was sure that there was an algorithm
involved and that the numbers did not exactly follow a linear progression as
John‟s tradition seemed to suggest, but even if he were off by 50 percent, so
what? Someone at Level Thirty would still be . . . a god for all practical
purposes.
Level 6 - Ascension & powering up

 The Third Eye Chakra is opened in this level.

 There are 3 tiers of ascension one can obtain.
 It's possible to follow the path of quantum energy harvesting and develop internal power at
any tier of ascension, however the third tier must be reached to advance to the final level.
 Mo-Pai Neikung only teaches ascension to the first (and possibly to some extent the second)
tier.
 The first tier comes simply from meditating using special techniques that facilitate the storage
and manipulation of quantum energy internally.
 The second tier can be obtained through thorough understanding and application of refined
pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value combined with considerable experience with
quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques which results in a considerable amount of
quantum energy being stored and available to the individual. This applies mainly to
individuals such as Mr. Chang that have practiced quantum energy harvesting meditation for
a considerable period of time but haven't obtained the psychological foundation to have a
more complete understanding of the mechanics and facilitate faster growth.
 The third tier has several requirements and I won't go into detail about them here.

There are also 3 levels of powering up that one can do, although only the first 2 are generally useful.

 The first level will cause an air aura around you and allow you to project without having to
focus as hard. The aura can defend you from mortal weaponry such as bullets and knives.
Individuals without any mastery of internal energy will feel a strong force pushing them away
from you and won't be able to make physical contact.
 The second level will cause electricity to circuit around the aura along with the air and allows
much more massive scale projection and energy-intensive abilities to be utilized with less
focus and physical strain on the individual. The aura not only easily defends from mortal
weaponry but also from inferior mastery quantum energy arts users' abilities.
 The third level will encase you in air, electricity, and light and form a powerful barrier around
you that is extremely difficult if not impossible to penetrate through any method. This takes a
lot of energy and is only really going to be useful or necessary if defending oneself from
extremely powerful high-level quantum energy arts users' abilities or an atomic bomb.
Level 7 - Mastering health & acquiring immortality

 The final stage of development involves complete mastery over the physical and spiritual
body.
 The result is the ability to prevent and reverse the effects of aging as well as considerably
increased ability to heal oneself and others from illness and physical health issues.
 Individuals who reach this level have complete mastery over their health and may continue to
live within their physical bodies as long as they desire, until the end of time.
 The Crown Chakra is opened in this level.
Death

What would this book be without taking a sufficient view at death. Death is something most people
get used to thinking about more and more as they go through life. Every day, they're getting closer.
They need to convince themselves it's okay. Some pretend it'll never happen. Others live wild
because they don't want to have any regrets when it comes. Either perspective sucks terribly though,
because it's two sides of the same coin. It ignores the real issue at hand: what is it, why should it be
accepted, and what are it's actual limits.

It's very natural to question death. It's meaning. It's purpose. What happens to you after. We're
conditioned within our nature to fear death. Fear is an extremely powerful driving force, and since
death is one of the greatest things one can fear, death clearly has large significance at any point
throughout one's life.

Now that you understand that it's objectively impossible to make any assertions about what happens
when you die with absolute certainty, that's probably left you in a considerably unsatisfied position,
as you were probably expecting some kind of much more profound insights into the topic from
someone who claims to be the ruler of the planet. Well, you're in for a treat, because you can bet I
do.

As I said, no concrete assertions can be made about any state of awareness after death of the
physical body. With that in mind, I need you to understand that what I'm saying for the remainder of
this chapter can be considered nothing more than mere speculation, at least for the purposes of
maintaining my position of objectively having mental clarity and the capacity for a completely
objective view on reality. Basically, if reading what I'm about to say about death triggers your active
ego too much for you to even remotely accept it as true, and you feel like instantly considering me a
mentally unstable lunatic and use that to validate disregarding the entire rest of this book, keep in
mind that I have no issue with making the assertion that what I'm saying is merely speculation that I
have no way to objectively prove to you, so take it easy before you call me schizophrenic or some
shit.

Aside from the physical world which we all perceive, there is what we shall call the spirit world. This
world coexists with the world we live in and perceive through our senses, however it has a special
kind of relationship with it which is considerably unlike the relationship all the objects composed of
matter have with each other within the physical world. The spirit world can spectate the physical
world, but the physical world remains entirely unable to objectively quantify or validate the spirit
world. Additionally, the spirit world is entirely unable to interact with the physical world, except
through the quantum energy field.
Essentially, the imagery I'm attempting to convey with this theory is that once an individual dies, their
spirit leaves their body and enters the spirit world, where in the case of most people, they no longer
possess any ability to interact with the material world whatsoever, however they're able to fly around
the spirit world observing the physical world at their leisure, with their observation of it having no
influence on it.

In the case of those spirits that have stored quantum energy, or perhaps given quantum energy, they
have ability to manifest themselves in the physical world in different ways and continue to exert
influence on it in that way, although of all the spirits that exist, that number is extremely small. This
both explains the phenomenons of things like haunted mansions with supposed ghosts in them, and
also why such occurrences aren't commonplace.

This also explains why an individual that has meditated using quantum energy harvesting meditation
at tier 3 awareness can achieve immortality. The extent of quantum energy their spirit has
accumulated allows for such a great influence on the physical world that they're able to carefully
modulate and repair their physical body, to the extent that they can heal themselves of all illness and
repair damage to organs caused by aging, resulting in a body that never has to die.

With a more detailed understanding of death, there's one critical factor to be aware of: the degree of
caring towards it. A more accurate understanding of death carries with it modulation of the extent
one cares about life. In a fully objective view, one should not be any more at peace with death simply
as a result of understanding it better, no matter the extent to which it's understood. An understanding
of death should not be sought after in order to validate one's view to become careless in life or
commit suicide.

I'll use a few excerpts from The Magus of Java to share insights provided by Mr. Chang.

“Spirits are bound by space and time the same way as anything that exists,
but on a different level because they are part of the yin world. We ourselves
are yang; they are yin.”
“But we have yin energy in our bodies too, right?” I asked.
“Correct,” he replied. “However, a pure spirit exists in a different space-
time continuum than we do. One year for us is one day for them, and they are
not limited by the present moment but exist in the immediate future and past
as well. Do you understand?”
“You know how in meditation we slow down our breathing and our pulse? It‟s
because we move more and more into our yin consciousness.”
“I see. But are you saying that we have two separate bodies, a yin body and a
yang body, and that our consciousness can move from one to the other?”

“No. It is not so simple and easy as that. What I said is that everything on
the earth is yang, though the earth itself is yin. We, as human beings, are
yang creatures, but we have yin energy as well. It is the combination of the
two that gives us life. When we die, when we cease to have life, our
awareness moves to the yin state of being.” He paused.
“But it does not remain unaltered in the process,” he continued.
“I didn‟t say that I haven‟t had experience with life after death,” he
interrupted. “What I said is that I don‟t know what the final state of the
afterlife is like.”
John lit up a cigarette. “I will tell you what I do know,” he said.
“There appears to be an intermediate state between this life and the next. I
call it the white wave and the black wave. The spirits of those who have been
good in their lives go into the white wave, those that have been evil into
the black wave. It is very much like the concepts of heaven and hell except
for one thing—neither condition is permanent. At some point all spirits shoot
straight up to God. What happens to them at that point, I don‟t know. It
depends on whom you ask, I suppose.”
“You mean to say that there is a heaven and a hell?” I asked, astonished.
“That‟s not what I said, is it? I said that there seems to be an area
characterized by a field of white yin energy into which the spirits with a
positive karma enter. There they are given all that they desire, and they do
desire. I have entered into the white field; people were gathered around
celebrating, eating and drinking, only there was no food really present. It
is all an illusion for their benefit; they just think that they are eating
and drinking. Maybe they have to enjoy what they were denied in life in order
to go on, I don‟t know. Perhaps they think that they are still human.”
“But they are not?”
“No. The mental and emotional perspectives of the average spirit are very
different from those of a human being.”
“But not your Master‟s. He looked and sounded the same dead as he did alive.”
“Yes. A spirit with even a little yang energy is very different. A spirit
like my Master retains all its human characteristics.”
I thought about the metaphysical “waves” of reward and penance John had
spoken of. Concepts such as heaven and hell, the Elysian Fields and Hades,
were as old as the human race.
Were they real?
“And what about the black wave?” I asked.
“If you ever reach Level Four, remember that I said never to go into the
black if you can help it. It is not a pleasant place. The spirits there
desire, they hurt, they cry, and are denied everything; it is pitch dark, you
cannot see a thing. The only good point about the black wave is that it does
not last forever; after a time those spirits are freed, when their karma has
been fulfilled.”
“Sifu, what is karma?”
“The consequence of their actions, thoughts, emotions, and desires—of their
lives, if you want.”

Mr. Chang's teacher actually killed many people at one point.

In one hour he had taken more than one hundred human lives. Liao Sifu was a
good man; he really did not want to hurt anybody, you know. His heart was
crushed like broken glass by his crime, and he turned dead inside. At that
moment he knew pain, the very real agony of remorse, before which the
suffering he had felt from his anger was nothing. Also, Liao Sifu was a
Taoist Master; he knew about the spirit world and about life after death. He
knew he would have to pay off the karma of his actions when he passed away.

I know I'll have to pay the price in my karma once I've killed everyone on the planet, but I'll already
be dead inside the moment the year ends and I'm not dating Kimi, so I really don't care what the
price is. There's nothing left I care for in this world, but I also am not going to just kill myself and go
silently. Fuck the world.

“In that mountain I saw many spirits; indeed, spirits and animals were my
constant companions. And when my consciousness had expanded, I could see
spirits going up regularly. One day I became curious and decided to follow
them, to see where they were going. I sent my awareness out of my body and
accompanied them as they went.
“The earth receded below me, and somehow there was a shift; I cannot explain
what I felt. I was suddenly in a wave of blackness; around me there was much
pain and anger and hate and jealousy. I left that place quickly to find
myself in a field of white; there I saw many spirits around me who were very
joyful. Some of them were making motions as if they were eating and drinking
and invited me to join in. Okay, I thought, I‟d like a piece of chicken.
Without warning, a tasty drumstick appeared before me; when I grabbed it,
though, I saw that it was not real, that it was an illusion for the benefit
of the spirits in that place who thought they were still human. Still, I saw
other souls going higher and higher. I followed them through two more levels
of white energy, and beyond that point I could pass no farther.”
John paused, and I checked an urge to interrupt him. There were so many
questions that I wanted to ask. He was, after all, describing heaven.
“After a while,” John continued, “I became worried about my physical body,
because I knew that time passed very differently in that place, and I had no
idea how long I was gone. I decided to return to the earth. In doing so, I
passed once again through the black wave. I was curious; you cannot see
anything at all in that place, but you can hear the spirits moaning. So I
approached one of them and asked him, „Hey, how are you doing?‟ (Yes, Kosta,
as simple as that!) He said, „Oh, I hurt, I‟m in pain.‟ Suddenly I became
very afraid, and with that strong emotion I woke up back in my body.”
“Is there any way of telling if someone will become a white or black spirit?”
I asked.
John shot me a piercing look. “You are thinking of your father,” he said.
“Well, yes, if their passage is not due to violence or accident, then usually
you can tell by the look on their faces what will become of them. They get a
glimpse of what lies in store for them before they completely leave our
world.”
My father had died with relief after fighting the cancer for half a year.
Indeed, he had died consciously, waiting for all of us to gather around him
before letting go of his final breath. I said as much to John.
“Your father is probably a white spirit now,” he said. “But you know, because
he had no yang to take with him, his nature is much simpler than you think.”
“What do you mean, Sifu?” I asked.
“I mean that a typical spirit is basically like our unconscious mind. He
cannot think deliberately, make decisions, or create. He is subject to
whatever he has brought with him.” John was silent for a time, then caught my
eye and held me with his gaze. “For example,” he said, “your father can
remember everything about you. He knows that you are his son. He remembers
holding you in his arms when you were born. What he cannot remember is what
it was like to love you.”
We were shocked, all of us.
“They have only yin,” he continued softly, “so what defines their
continuation is simply their karma, good or bad. That is why it is so
important to have yang to take with you when your time comes.”
“Because that way you retain your humanity,” I whispered. John nodded
approvingly. “Does having yang ch‟i in our dantien somehow lessen the effects
of karma?” I asked him.
“No. You still have to pay for what you have done—or be rewarded. But having
yang with you makes it easier all around, and more deliberate either way.”
“Heaven and hell,” Andreas said.
“Not really,” John answered. “None of the conditions I described is
permanent. After a time all spirits return to God.”
And there it was: the big question that I had danced around since I had come
to know him. I could not resist. “Sifu,” I dared, “tell us about God. You
mention Him frequently.” And mentioning God was not very Taoist, I thought;
perhaps this was the distinction between John‟s teaching and mainstream
Taoism.
John leaned back and looked at us one by one. “All right,” he said. “Before I
went up to the mountain, in my heart of hearts, I did not really believe in
God. Oh, I used to go to church every Sunday, for I am nominally a Christian,
but I had no faith; I went to church matter-of-factly. When I was up in the
mountain, I wanted to experience God for myself, to see if He was real or
not.
“I prayed and I prayed for weeks, asking God to reveal Himself to me. Finally
I sat down in deep meditation and sent my awareness out as before. Every day,
every moment, I kept asking, „God, please tell me the truth about the
afterlife; which religion is correct? Please, Lord, tell me.‟ I received no
answer, but I kept at it with persistence.
“Without warning, one day a voice boomed in the air above me. It was like a
thunderclap, and it said to me:
“„Religion is like a walking stick. When you are young, you need help from
your parents to walk. When you are old, you need a cane. When you are a
healthy adult, you have no need for a cane; if you try to run, it will only
hinder you. All religions are like that; touch God directly, and you will
have no need of them.‟"
 Resources
There are five main types of resources one can have that determines the quality of their life.

Time, knowledge, money, connections, health, and freedom. Together, they form one's power.

Each has a significance objectively on its own, and subjectively based on a combination of the
extent to which one has each type of resource as it relates to how they interact, along with the
individual's active ego and the extent to which their core value exerts an influence on the resource.

The only exceptional case is an individual with refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core
value. Because they have a complete lack of any active ego, they're able to completely accurately
weigh the significance of each resource in fine balance, resulting in them generally being able to
make the most objectively optimal decisions regarding value tradeoffs in resource exchanges.
Time

Having enough time to be able to see something through is undeniably a critical factor in success.
Often, it's not time itself, but time management, that ends up becoming the primary focus in this area
for most people. They have plenty of time to achieve a lot of things, but one of the critical factors for
success that they lack is time management.

In today's world, where the general consensus on the purpose of existence has been manipulated
and moulded into nothing more than achieving a mediocre satisfaction from the empty usage, mostly
wasting, of time, the concept of time management seems little more than a joke you crack with your
buddies after work when you're hanging out.

I wrote this book in only a little over three months, all while being homeless. How? I use my time
wisely.

I've been homeless a few times in my life. It's had quite an interesting impact in my life, and certainly
one far more profound than I ever thought it would.

In the beginning, I sort of mentally denied I was even homeless. I recognized that it wasn't
something to be ashamed of, especially given my circumstances. I wasn't a bad person. I had skills
and was clearly working very hard every day to grow and improve myself and establish a solid
income. I had no dependence on any substances nor any addictions to anything at all for that matter.
It didn't seem fair nor right. Despite knowing I'd never be in that situation if it wasn't for a broken
family and very abusive parents, I still felt a lot of shame and guilt and felt like I was not as valuable
of a person as your average member of society.

The first couple times I was homeless, I tried to escape homelessness as quickly as possible.

After a few times of being homeless, when compounded with other things I was dealing with in my
life, it really got me thinking. People say home is where the heart is. When I really thought about it, I
never really felt actually comfortable or "at home" at any point in my life, even when I had a house to
stay in.

I kept thinking. What do I really need to survive comfortably? What does having a house to stay at
really offer me? It didn't even take me very long at all to realize that it wasn't nearly as much as I'd
thought, and it didn't actually give me anything I absolutely needed at all.

Everything I needed, I realized, was available for me for free. Libraries, community centers, fast food
joints, and the streets already had all the resources I needed. When you've reached the point you've
carefully contemplated and planned out survival in an isolated forest to meditate intensely all day,
you feel almost spoiled with resources in society, even as a homeless person.
Libraries are great as a place to hang out all day with electricity and WiFi. Community centers have
showers you can use if you really want to wash yourself and even your clothes, soap provided for
free. Fast food places serve to also provide you with WiFi and possibly electricity, at least for a while,
if you don't happen to be close to a library at the time and need to charge your phone or look up
directions to somewhere you wanna go. And finally, trash cans and dumpsters provide you with free
food when people throw out perfectly edible stuff. It's all right there for you, and doesn't cost you
anything.

It's certainly not a great life, I have no hesitation to admit that. However, achieving greatness comes
with sacrifice, and I've already made much bigger sacrifices, so something like this is quite mild to
me in comparison.

Now, as far as an environment for intense meditation, being homeless is certainly far from ideal. You
have to deal with constantly being around people, and if not around them, worried they could come
around randomly at any moment. It's very distracting and nerve-wracking. Not unbearable for writing
a book about why you're fed up with the world and you're ready to kill everyone if you don't start
getting the respect you deserve, but definitely terrible for the hyper-focused state necessary for
proper quantum energy harvesting meditation.

I'm willing to deal with it while I wait to see if the world deserves to end by my hand, but once I get
my answer, I hope I never have to deal with this shit ever again. I really shouldn't ever have to. Other
than further driving me to have tunnel vision focus on working on and completing my book as fast as
possible, being homeless having really made me question what I truly needed to survive led me to
even more careful contemplation and doing research on the best ways to survive in the wilderness in
an isolation scenario. My plan has been since revised from something somewhat unrealistic, or at
least considerably difficult to achieve and carrying great risk of discovery and therefore failure,
especially with making my plans so public, to a full-proof mastermind outline to guarantee success
under the most optimal conditions.

Shelter

In order to be in isolation, the location I use must naturally be away from society in a place that
would very rarely if ever have anyone passing by throughout the time I'm around. It needs to be a
dense forest area considerably far away from any parks or other types of locations anyone would
normally come around. A place where nobody usually has any good reason to come around.

It needs to be within reasonable walking distance from a body of water, so I can utilize that through a
filtration system I'd buy beforehand in preparation. I can manually scope out surrounding areas,
although using Google Maps makes the process much easier. Shouldn't be very hard to find a few
places, check them out for viability, stick around for at least a few hours, perhaps even a day or two,
get a good feel for which place calls out to me the most, and pick one.

Once I've picked the dense forest I'll call home, I'll pick a spot well inside it to build my shelter at. The
first thing to do at that location is to clear the greenery and anything else covering the dirt off of the
ground where I'm going to be digging my shelter into. I'll be living underground for a few very good
reasons:

1. Much less materials required for construction

2. Much more materials that are necessary can be found in the forest itself
3. Much harder to detect than a building above-ground

I'll make sure to pick a spot where I can make the removal of that greenery still look natural in the
environment; it won't be very hard at all because there are techniques I'll be using to hide everything
well.

In order to be able to survive in isolation and have an environment suitable for intense meditation, I
need to have space to meditate obviously, as well as to be able to fully lie down to sleep, and also
sufficient space for long-term storage of food and any other belongings I'll bring with me. The shelter
will be split up into one small room for meditation and sleeping, one considerably larger room for
cooking and storage, and a small hallway to connect the rooms and also provide access to get in
and out of the shelter.

The functional height of the hole needs to be a little over two meters, enough for me to comfortably
stand straight up. The bedroom, intended for both sleeping and meditation, will be three meters in
width and depth, sufficient for me to lie down straight and even roll around a bit when I'm sleeping as
I most likely would regularly have nightmares at that point, but also have enough space to allow me
to meditate off my bed. It needs to be camouflaged to blend in with the surroundings so it doesn't
stand out for satellite imagery or in case anyone is looking from a distance or passing by randomly,
and the whole thing has to be waterproof, fireproof, windproof, and insulated; all this is not a problem
because it's underground and especially due to the techniques I'll be using to build it.

I'll start digging a hole. Leave an area for entrance and stairs. The greenery cut down isn't wasted
nor does it have to remain lying around and look suspicious. A portion of the dirt can also be utilized
to make it less suspicious as well. You can let the greenery dry in the sun, then burn it to make
something like hay. Mix that with dirt and water to get a muddy, clay-like substance. This substance
can be used to coat the inside of the underground house/tunnel, to make it insulated from heat and
also waterproof and even seal off access for insects. Layer on tree branches lined up along the floor
and walls of the now clay-covered surface of the hole, then secure that in place with an additional
layer of clay that smooths over the gaps in between the branches.

Cut down some branches from trees that are adequate to lie across the top of the hole and line them
up to cover the entire surface area of the top of the hole that's exposed. Take more of the greenery
and layer it on top of the lined up tree branches. Make more of the clay substance and layer it on top
of the greenery to fully seal the top of the hole. Take some plain dirt and throw it all over the clay to
make the surface more natural. Take some fallen leaves and random greenery and disperse it
throughout the barren dirt area to make the whole thing look natural.

Establish two entrances which can be used for air flow. An entrance is a board that covers the open
hole in the ground using a set of lined up branches supported by two branches on each side, all tied
up using many thin shreds of wood that can be easily bent around to tie everything together. When
digging around the top, additional consideration should be made for measurements to allow a
slightly indented area near the top of the hole for lining up the branches, placing the greenery and
clay mixture on top with additional dirt and other greenery on top of that, as well as making the
entrance naturally aligned with the ground level. I can carve out little squares in the walls as places
to hold candles or torches or whatever I'll use to keep things lit.

My need for light will be limited. Darkness is ideal for meditation and I'll have light from the fire
already when cooking. I won't be moving around much because I'll mostly just be alternating
between sleeping and meditating, so I'll be able to move around my bedroom easily even without
light by simply extending my arms out to make sure I wont hit my body against any walls if I'm
moving. Complete darkness is ideal for meditation because it means less external stimulus for the
senses meaning less distractions and less stress/irritation, so I won't have to have the room lit very
often.

As far as digging the hole, even a shovel isn't absolutely necessary, as a solid tree branch with one
of its edges well sharpened using a knife can be used to dig even at deeper levels by gradually
chipping away at the dirt. The hole is separated into two rooms and a small hallway for maximum
stability and organization; I don't have to find very large branches to cover the top that way, nor is
there risk of accidentally hitting my food or cooking area while sleeping or moving around in between
meditation sessions.

Even if I had plenty of money and could afford a place to stay in instead of going into a forest and
digging this hole, I wouldn't do it. Why? It's not isolated. The government would have a place to look
for me. Random people might ring my doorbell. If it's not a mansion on a hill, there's going to be
noises from neighbors I'd have to deal with. I'd have bills to pay. Internet and electronics would be a
constant temptation for distraction.
Too much bullshit I don't want to deal with. I need to dedicate the maximum amount of time to
intense meditation, and much the same way I wouldn't maintain a job and do this meditation in my
spare time, I'm not going to bother living in luxury at the detriment of maximizing growth. If I end up
dead inside and deciding I want to single-handedly destroy this world, I want that shit to happen as
fast as possible.

Survival

I have very few possessions and can currently fit everything I own, including all my clothes, inside a
backpack. Moving from my current location at any point would be very quick and easy. The space I'd
build would also very easily be able to fit everything I own and me, with plenty of breathing room.
Going to the washroom wouldn't be an issue when I'm in an isolated forest area and can go
wherever I want really. I'd have water and I can just wipe with my bare hands and then just wash it
off; as someone who's from the streets, it's something I've done many times before.

I'd buy several lighters ahead of time so I can easily start a campfire whenever I want to cook
anything or even just want heat in general. I'd keep a few pots and buckets with me as well so I
could utilize them to heat water and use that to cook things and take showers. I wouldn't worry about
soap. I'd just shower to feel clean, not smell particularly nice; it's not like anyone is going to be
around to smell me anyways. I'd make sure to have sufficient water filtration capabilities so I'd never
have to use dirty water for anything. I could even bring some coffee and tea with me for the
occasional consumption of it if I was really in the mood.

I'd have sufficient extra space to store several smaller things for the long run, and it'd be quite trivial
to mount some shelves against the walls and put a bunch of containers on them to be able to store
everything neatly. The hole and its entrance are fully camouflaged, so I know my stuff is secure any
time I plan to go anywhere, for example if I'm going to get water or feel like meditating outside if the
weather's nice and I'm in the mood for it.

I already have one USB charging battery and they're not very expensive at all; I could get several
and charge them all up so I'd be able to use my phone to listen to music plenty. If the year ends and
I'm dead inside already, I can just decide to become a degenerate and rob/kill some people, steal a
good chunk of money, and I could buy a nice solar panel with that.

Everything's pretty straightforward as far as I'm concerned. Since it's a small space, it wouldn't take
very long to build, even all by myself. I wouldn't even need a bed or a mattress. Just get myself a few
blankets, some for underneath me and one or two I can cover myself with if I get cold. A few pillows
to rest my head on and possibly hug when I'm feeling really lonely. It wouldn't be difficult to get these
things to the destination. Water filters last months and getting a few isn't very expensive, space-
consuming, nor heavy.
Food isn't hard. I'd pick my environment with the condition of the terrain in mind and I'd pick a place
suitable for growing fruits and vegetables in. There are different things you can grow at different
seasons around the year in Canada and I'd just get seeds for a few different things for each season.
Even getting some gardening equipment wouldn't be a big deal; once again it's not particularly large,
heavy, nor expensive. Just need to be able to grow some stuff to eat.

It'd be a pretty boring diet, but I wouldn't be eating for the taste anyways, I'd be eating just to survive.
It'd be plenty sufficient to keep me full and provide useful nutrients for my body. It'd take a little bit of
time out of my meditation to have to take care of the stuff I'm growing, but it'd be necessary and
wouldn't be very long, so it's not a big deal. I'd buy some canned food for the initial time period
where I'd still be waiting for my crops to grow. Wouldn't need a lot and it wouldn't be very expensive,
heavy, nor space-consuming either. I won't be eating very often or very much, because I'll be greatly
conserving my energy in meditation all day.

I also have until the end of the year to think of any further little things I may want to consider about
what I want and need to make this completely viable as comfortably as possible; that should be
plenty of time to be certain I've covered everything and am fully ready to execute on this if I have to. I
already feel very confident it wouldn't be an issue for me at all, and it's sounding more and more
appealing every single day.
Knowledge

The extent to which an individual is knowledgeable about subject matter relevant to their goals plays
an undeniably great impact in their capacity to obtain those goals in many cases.

How to Succeed

"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." - Winston Churchill

The challenge is knowing when you've failed, why you've failed, and being able to use that to
prevent a loss of enthusiasm.

Anger and Fear Based Emotion

There are 2 reasons people get angry:

1. They don't understand something and can't seem to get over it.
2. They understand something too much and can't seem to get over it.

 Dwelling on anger which is caused by not understanding something leads to terror.

 Dwelling on anger which is caused by understanding something too much leads to hate.

The key factor is the point that they can't seem to get over it; they are dwelling on it.

Why are they dwelling on it?

Because they want to.

In the end, one's emotions are caused by their desires. There may be a certain point of having anger
which just happens as basically a chain reaction to an event. However, beyond that point, when the
signs of anger are very apparent, they want to get angry, whether they are consciously aware of this
or not. Having fear, anxiety, or rage is largely caused by a feeling that they actually do want or need
these feelings. An inability to let go of the feelings and move on.

Intelligence and Logic

Skill and intelligence are not defined by what you can do, but rather what you actually end up doing.
There is a fundamental difference between what you can do and what you do. The difference is that
being able to do something is a belief held, not a fact; however, doing something is a fact. Skill and
intelligence are only accurately gauged by facts, not beliefs. Therefore, if one is defined and judged
by their skill and intelligence in life, then that means one is defined by their actions.

Logic is not flawed, words can simply be manipulated.

Words are an attempt to express emotions. Since they are only an attempt, albeit a good one, they
are still not entirely capable of appropriately expressing any and all emotions.

Emotions come from 2 sources: Logic and Creativity

These things are very much intertwined, because creativity is built upon using logic, and logic is built
upon using creativity.

Knowledge is Power

You know why knowledge is power? Because any knowledge you have can work for or against you,
and how you steer is your power.

Flow Theory

The ultimate goal of acquiring knowledge (and subsequently gaining power) is to facilitate achieving
what is known in psychology as the flow state.

Flow theory postulates three conditions that have to be met to achieve a flow state:

1. One must be involved in an activity with a clear set of goals and progress. This adds
direction and structure to the task.
2. The task at hand must have clear and immediate feedback. This helps the person
negotiate any changing demands and allows him or her to adjust his or her performance to
maintain the flow state.
3. One must have a good balance between the perceived challenges of the task at hand
and his or her own perceived skills. One must have confidence that he or she is capable
to do the task at hand.

However, it was argued that the antecedent factors of flow are interrelated, as a perceived balance
between challenges and skills requires that one knows what he or she has to do (clear goals) and
how successful he or she is in doing it (immediate feedback). Thus, a perceived fit of skills and task
demands can be identified as the central precondition of flow experiences.
The 4 Subjective Realities

Every person has 4 realities that shape their true personal reality:

1. What is happening to them that they realize is happening to them

2. What is happening to them that they don't realize is happening to them
3. What isn't happening to them that they imagine is happening to them
4. What isn't happening to them that they don't imagine is happening to them

The thoughts one has relevant to these 4 areas shapes how and what is perceived as real to that
person. What they believe is right and wrong, what they do and don't want, and what they do and
don't do are directly relevant to these 4 realities.

As one grows, their ability to control and manipulate these 4 realities is constantly changing, either to
more control or less control. It can fluctuate greatly between various points in life, depending on a
person's circumstances and how they manage to deal with them.

Making Yourself

What you assume you are shapes what you make yourself to be.

Don't Rely on Luck

There is no such thing as luck in this world. Rules, prerequisites, psychological states... There are
any number of invisible factors that combine to produce an unpredictable but inevitable result. The
victor of a game is decided before it even begins.

The World

The world is chaotic, unreasonable, and unfair. It has no meaning at all. It is the wish of those who
realize this, who refuse to accept it. A wish that the world would be at least a little interesting. That's
what an urban legend is.

When life gives you lemons, use the seeds to grow some lemon trees and the next time life tries to
give you lemons, throw the tree in its face.
Money

Money can't buy you happiness, but it certainly can make your life easier and more pleasant to a
very significant extent. In order to make the acquisition of money truly worth it, one must balance the
time and energy involved in the acquisition of the money as a value trade-off with the purchasing
power provided by the money acquired to obtain things that would improve the quality of one's life.

If things don't work out the way I'm hoping for and I don't end up getting to be with Kimi, then I
already have plenty sufficient money to go into isolation. My plans are extremely inexpensive and
meditating for 15+ hours a day underground in the middle of a forest with nobody knowing you're
there costs literally nothing. Although I'm far from rich or even currently making income at a degree
to live a pretty comfortable life, I still have more money than I need to make things happen if I'm
going to go down the destructive path.

I suppose the most useful and pertinent thing to address in this respect is what I'd do if I had plenty
of money at my disposal, particularly much more than I need to survive and life a comfortable and
satisfying life while keeping Kimi happy as well. We're talking millions in the bank to spare. Well, I
can tell you I certainly wouldn't be sitting around twiddling my thumbs wondering what to do with it,
nor would I simply save it or use it in some degeneracy.

There are two primary areas that I would tackle with considerable amounts of money at my disposal,
and most of the money spent would go to hiring teams of people that are talented in the relevant
fields to perform tasks coordinated by my vision.

The first area I'd tackle, and perhaps the one far more critical in today's rapidly advancing
technology age, would be to solve the operating system disparity problem.

There are currently three main computer operating systems out in the world that see considerable
use: Windows, Linux, and Mac OS. All three of them have several issues, and it can only be
resolved in one way which hasn't happened and isn't happening, much to the detriment of computer
users worldwide, is due to one major reason: money.

Windows is closed source and plagued by viruses. Additionally, Windows 10 is a steaming pile of
shit and isn't getting better any time soon. Microsoft trashed a proper testing team in favor of a
terrible trial and error procedure on live machines "in the field" so to say, which is the computers of
literally regular users. Microsoft has become notorious in recent times for it's history of broken
Windows 10 updates and general fuckery with telemetry; the bastards literally don't give you the
option to completely disable it. They even don't make it easy at all to disable automatic updates
either, even in the face of all their update fuck-ups. Windows 7 was the last operating system
Microsoft got right.
Mac OS is hardly even worth mentioning. It's fine for a basic user, sure, but by that standard, why
not just use Linux? There's more support for some popular and useful products like Microsoft Office
and Adobe Creative Suite, but Mac OS remains a shitty option for the more hardcore power users.
Pretty much anything Mac OS can do, Windows can do better, plus it can run lots of games. The
hardware is overpriced and the software is laughably bad. The main selling point remains the shiny
and perhaps easier to use interface. Apple is an excellent example of what marketing and public
perception can do to make a business profitable.

Linux is free, open source and excellently flexible for even the most hardcore power users, but it's
biggest issue to destroy the competition is simply it's lack of compatibility with Windows software.
For the most part, whatever you can do on Linux, you can also do on Windows, but there's a lot you
can do on Windows that you simply can't do on Linux. Missing out on being able to run several
popular pieces of software, including but certainly not limited to games, makes Linux a generally
sub-par front-facing user operating system, and has left it only primarily useful as a server operating
system, due to its security and customization capabilities.

Windows has compatibility, Mac has a pretty interface, and Linux has transparency and security. But
for each of these, in the areas they lack, they lack severely. I have a clear vision for the answer.

GNU/Linux will be used as the base for development. An base environment similar to that of Debian
seems most appropriate. A talented team of individuals with sufficient experience in programming
and reverse engineering collaborate daily, as a full-time job, producing source code to rapidly
advance the progression of the Linux ecosystem. Communication will be made with relevant leaders
of upstream repositories for public codebases in relevant software, and if they're either not
responsive enough or too restrictive in their acceptable operating parameters, the repositories will be
forked and rapidly developed, remaining publicly accessible. The resulting computing environment
will have builds regularly updated and released for both testing and production use. It will all be
completely free for personal and commercial use. The entire endeavor will not be for profit, but
rather for the benefit of the worldwide computing ecosystem.

The first target is WINE. Compatibility with Windows software is the primary downfall of Linux being
adopted as a universally better alternative to Windows in pretty much every circumstance. A team
will collaborate to rapidly reverse engineer many libraries throughout the Windows subsystem and
implement various API's that currently have either entirely lacking or largely insufficient
implementations for the vast majority of software to function correctly. More tight and efficient
interoperability with an existing Windows subsystem and original Windows 7 SP1 files in an
environment strictly not a direct VM will be the primary focus at first, enabling usage of fully
functioning binaries as if running in an actual Windows 7 SP1 environment, and then progressing full
speed at eliminating all reliance on the original closed source binaries.

Since driver-level compatibility is not within the scope of the WINE project, the main focus of this
endeavor will be to simply allow a very high degree of proficiency within usermode frameworks to
function within the emulated environment. The barrier of using pretty much any application that
doesn't directly rely on low-level driver manipulation within the WINE environment will be eliminated.

Basically what this means is that various very useful pieces of software like Microsoft Office, Adobe
Creative Suite, and many of the games so many people enjoy will all be available to run with a high
degree of compatibility and excellent performance within the WINE environment, essentially allowing
a Linux environment to be usable as if it's Windows.

The second target is MATE. There are several window management packages, but MATE is most
suitable for my vision. Having been around a long time and very flexible, a focus will be made on
improving it to provide better integration with the enhancements in WINE, as well as making it much
prettier and more user friendly, taking inspiration from the strengths of both Windows and Mac OS,
and combining them into a highly functional, flexible and easy to use solution.

Basically what this means is the operating system will look pretty, be easy to use for more basic
users, and also have many settings that everyone from the slightly more advanced to the extremely
hardcore power users can tweak to their liking.

These two tasks will take a considerable amount of money and time to accomplish. I'd regularly be
checking up on what the teams are doing, leading prioritization and the vision for development on
both aesthetic and technical fronts. My time would probably be better used in working on higher level
design aspects rather than lower level code writing.

After these tasks, some focus can be made on the Linux kernel itself. Upon the team having deeply
reverse engineered the Windows kernel, useful improvements can be integrated gradually into the
Linux kernel to bring together the entire package. A hightened focus should also be applied to an
application's functionality access privileges throughout the operating system. The result will be more
robust and detailed privilege dialogues throughout both the Linux core computing environment as
well as the WINE emulation subsystem.

Even if a virus is run within the WINE environment, it will prompt for privileges in a more robust way
that are clearly displayed to the user (as opposed to the useless "do you want to allow or deny this
application to run" dialogues that everyone just hits "Allow" to in Windows with UAC) which will make
it much more obvious if an application is trying to do things it shouldn't be doing, which is pretty
much always the case with viruses. A focus will be put on operations that can potentially lock down
the usability of the system, or facilitate manipulation of data in potentially malicious ways. An
antivirus will no longer become necessary in such an environment.

The result will be an extremely pretty, flexible, compatible, secure, and open source operating
system that has all the advantages and capabilities of Linux, while also being able to run pretty much
all Windows software. It will be free for the entire world to use. It should eventually completely run
Windows and Mac OS to the ground.

To be completely honest, I'd do this simply because I'm an extremely hardcore power user and don't
want to be using Windows 7 for the next 20 years or some crazy shit like that, since as it stands,
Linux is many years away from being a viable replacement for Windows entirely, and Windows 10 is
unstable, bloated spyware that has literally zero real advantages to use over Windows 7. No, the
Windows Store doesn't count.

If I'd do it for myself anyways, there's really no reason to just keep it for myself. I know that it's going
to get pirated to shit if I try to charge for it, so I might as well just release it for free and save myself
the futile effort of trying to charge for it and instead accept praise and perhaps donations.

The second area I'd tackle is certainly less critical but still could be appreciated by many. I'd take the
existing code that I developed while working on my multi-genre online game project and see that
vision through.

Beyond mentioning what I'd do if I had a large sum of money available at my disposal, I suppose it
may perhaps be even more pertinent, depending on who you ask, to explain how I plan to actually
generate income. This is of course assuming Kimi dates me, since as I've already established, I
have no desire to care about generating income if she won't.

It's pretty simple. I'm going to become a streamer and start streaming regularly. When combining the
exposure that generally being a part of Kimi's life as her partner would give me with the exposure
having written this book would give me, it becomes a powerful combination that gives me plenty of
content on top of the ideas I already have for content. I could also choose to make YouTube videos
or at the least upload highlights of my stream there, which could potentially be an additional revenue
stream.

I already work so hard every day for so many hours and in a way that requires extreme
concentration and critical thinking, so even full-time streaming would actually be considerably less
stressful than what I'm dealing with right now. I'm well spoken, have no issue being energetic, and
don't have any worries about dealing with other people, so I'm sure I can provide some quality
content. It shouldn't be very long before I'm making a decent amount of money and I'd be completely
capable of providing anything I need for myself.
Additionally, there's no reason I have to entirely scrap my game development endeavors. I haven't
become any less skilled at coding. I can always spend some free time developing my existing source
code which I still have further and it very well could actually turn into a product that I could make
money off of. It's already considerably progressed and I didn't abandon it but rather halted
development because I consider my connection with Kimi to be of far greater importance to me; it
wouldn't take very long before I could turn what I already have into something that could actually be
fun to play, if I chose to continue working on it.

Seeing as I'm developing a unique concept that hasn't been done before, it certainly has a place in
the market. By having a loving partner and a following to provide feedback, I'd be able to much more
effectively determine the best direction to take development if I choose to continue it, and as such,
I'd be able to make the best possible product in the shortest amount of time. If my relationship with
Kimi starts working out well, at least spending some of my free time continuing game development
definitely holds some appeal, and that very well could lead to an additional revenue stream on top of
streaming.
Connections

Many people overlook connections entirely as a fundamental resource that determines one's
capacity to achieve goals. In many cases, connections can do things for you that no amount of any
of the other resources could ever achieve.

In my case, the complete and utter lack of usefulness in any of my connections has greatly
empowered me to not give a flying fuck and realize truly how many answers lie within myself. There
is much more strength in my position than would appear on the surface.

In simple terms, I wipe my ass with every other world leader.

Intent

Many people likely will be left wondering what I think about the current publicly recognized world
leaders. Perhaps think I want their attention or something from them, which they may perceive as my
true intent in writing this book. When I told some people about the international ultimatum, several
laughed and asked me if I expected to get the attention of the United Nations or the President, telling
me I'm stupid for thinking I ever could.

The truth is that I couldn't care less about how powerful or weak any of the people that read this
book are. I'm writing this book to demonstrate that there's nothing anyone can do for me that I can't
already do for myself. I already know I'll achieve getting the people who I really want to read it to do
so, and none of them are particularly wealthy nor have any significant political power. I'm writing this
book to demonstrate my core value in all of its greatness.

Position

Whether you know me or not, whether you believe me or not, I'm a world leader.

Not only that, but I'm the most powerful world leader to ever exist. The most powerful world leader
that could ever exist. If there is anyone in this world that could ever hope to truly demonstrate that
they are the closest thing to God you'll ever truly be able to acknowledge the existence of, it's me. I
have no problem explaining why either. To understand this, you have to understand how all the other
world leaders, both the ones you're well aware of, as well as the ones most of you live your lives
ignoring and denying the existence of, hold up compared to me.

As far as I'm concerned, all the other world leaders are pussies with a whole lot of shit to lose that
got to where they're at with a much greater reliance on luck than I've ever had.

Let's take a more careful look at their lives, shall we? I don't even need to pick any specific world
leader to derive examples from. Here's why.
Weakness

All of them have friends they care about. All of them have family they care about. All of them have
material possessions they care about, and lots of expensive ones at that. All of them have large
groups of subordinates that carry out their will, give them advice, and manage aspects of their life for
them that they can't or would rather not manage themselves. This all likely seems fairly obvious to
you, so at this point, you're probably wondering what my point is exactly.

It's quite simple really. These things all sound great, right? They probably would be for the average
person.

But they're terrible for a world leader that wants to be able to utilize any extent of their power at any
time. For a potential enemy, they all present weak points that act as vulnerabilities to exploit or
points of failure to take advantage of. However, even more so than that, they very firmly represent
the fact that the individual has something to lose. A lot to lose at that.

Having multiple vulnerabilities and potential points of failure for your power circuit, along with
standing to lose a lot from defying your enemies or anyone that tries to control you in any way,
results in a world leader that's constantly afraid to actually do what they fully want and feel like doing.

To your benefit, most if not all other world leaders don't possess a core value of refined pure
bidirectional apprehension, meaning they have active ego that influences their thoughts and actions,
so them being limited in a very real way is probably a really good thing for everyone else.

If you don't understand where I'm going with this already, let me spell it out for you now. I don't have
any of those things all the other world leaders have. Not a single one. At all. No friends. No family.
No possessions that are expensive nor that I really care about. Nobody that helps me do anything I
need done in my life. All I have in this world right now is myself, my thoughts, and the value I
personally assign them to guide my actions.

Unmatched

I have nothing to lose, and I have the power to end the world within a couple years at any point if I
choose to pursue that course of action. Nobody can stop me and nobody can even hope to hinder or
slow down my progress in any way. If I decide I've finally had enough and it's final that I've just been
wasting my time caring about humanity, I'm going to start preparing to end the world, and all you can
do is try to enjoy the last couple years of your lives as best you can at that point, because there's
nothing anyone can do to ever change my mind.

Even if the celebrity women others find extremely attractive start throwing themselves at me, I won't
care. Even if the banks want to hand me millions for free, I won't care. Even if I'm offered any extent
of fame and attention, I won't care. Even the greatest things you could imagine achieving or
acquiring would mean absolutely nothing to me. Additionally, since I'd no longer be able to trust Kimi,
even Kimi herself could no longer change my position. Literally nothing could possibly stop the end
of the world at that point.

Response

I'm not sure of the extent of exposure this book will get, and since the public world leaders'
inclination to read, and especially to publicly address/respond to it is heavily dependent on that, I'm
really not sure if any of those public world leaders will read this book. Or at least that they'd read it
on time to have any real capacity to do anything about it by somehow pressuring Kimi to understand
how she needs to act for the rest of her life to save the entire planet, before I lose the ability to trust
her.

Even if the public world leaders read this book, I'm really not sure how they'll react, if at all, whether
they read it before or after they can do anything about it. All I know for sure is that I'm not counting
on them to do a single thing. As far as I'm concerned, I just hope for their sake that if Kimi's not
going to act right, they read it only after it's too late for them to even try to do anything. That way,
they won't be pressured into a futile effort of trying to convince an insane, nihilistic, suicidal woman
to save the world, and instead will at least know by the time they read it that there's already
absolutely nothing in the world they could do to stop what's coming.

Well, they could nuke the world and end it all early I suppose, but that'd just make my job, which I'm
sure they wouldn't want me to succeed at, done for me. Besides, I highly doubt any public world
leader would react to my book by wanting to dive into destruction. If anything, if they're inclined to
react to it at all, they'd see it as a prompt to attempt to much more actively make the world a better
place and encourage a lot more love and peace in the world, hoping that when I come out of
isolation, I might be touched by how much better of a place the world has become since I left
society, and hope I perhaps consider only killing Kimi instead of the entire planet.
Health

Health is particularly important for ensuring the longevity of being able to appreciate and benefit from
one's resources. My state of both physical and mental health have both been increasingly
deteriorating at an alarming rate at the point of my life that I'm writing this book, despite all of my
efforts to improve them throughout the years.

Mentally, I've been trying so hard throughout my life to made careful, calculated, mature choices
filled with an appropriate amount of optimism and using my intellect I've constantly been working
hard to sharpen and keep at a high level, yet I've been constantly so unfortunate that from how my
circumstances appear to be at this point, I have no friends or family I can rely on to any degree, no
tangible professional results for the immense efforts I've been putting on multiple fronts for years,
and have absolutely no real sense of satisfaction nor fulfillment despite very clearly being one of the
most if not actually the most enlightened and intelligent individual out there.

Physically, I've been trying so hard throughout my life to try different exercise regiments, diets, and
even variations of frequency in sexual release, and yet I've always been overweight and ugly and felt
sluggish and overall gross in my own skin. On top of all this, I have a ticking time bomb on my
lifespan that I got not because of carelessness, drug use/addiction, or general misfortune, but
because of the spiteful malicious intent of a very manipulative and morally bankrupt individual.

I'm probably going to die of liver failure and/or cancer before I hit 50 or possibly even well before
that, if I don't either take an extremely intensive approach to meditation soon so I can heal myself of
my illness using natural methods before I develop cirrhosis and probably cancer, or become famous
and wealthy so I can afford the still very expensive treatment options for the disease that I'd never
otherwise afford, especially considering I have the much more appealing alternative of entering
isolation and doing heavy meditation to be able to cure myself of the disease naturally instead if
becoming famous and wealthy isn't a realistic possibility.

It's said that the considerable majority of individuals infected experience little to no symptoms
whatsoever until cirrhosis develops, but I already notice very distinguishable pangs of liver pain
randomly on a regular basis despite eating reasonably healthy and avoiding alcohol consumption
pretty much entirely, so I'm willing to bet that I'm going to end up on the shorter end of time span
before more serious effects to my liver occur if I don't do something about it.

My suffering and seeming futility of efforts at improving my mental and physical health have now
reached a very critical point such that this book became a completely clear decision to determine the
direction of my future. I don't have time to waste and I'm not going to wait around desperately hoping
things are going to get better.
Every day that I live the way I currently am, my physical and mental health deteriorates. Whether
going into isolation or finally getting the relationship with Kimi that I've wanted for years now, both of
these things will solve that problem on both fronts. I need to know which I'm going to have to pick.
Freedom

Freedom is something we often overlook the value of in advanced civilization, but an extremely
fundamental resource necessary to utilize to the fullest extent possible for most effectively achieving
one's goals. We have so much freedom that we take for granted. If you're like most people, you have
so much freedom you don't even know what to do with yourself. You look at the message society
tells you and end up mindlessly following it, feeling free but being trapped. Go to school. Get a job.
Get a relationship. Get married. Have kids. Grow old. Die.

So many people think they've lived a good, long, fulfilling life, but if I'd lived their life, I'd feel like I
wasted my life away desperately clinging onto the subjective belief that what I did with all of the
freedom I had was worth it, when really all I did was piss it all away.

When one thinks of freedom, they may think of it in terms of physical limitations with their body,
specifically in cases where they have significant limitations as in for example paralyzed or amputated
limbs. However, it's usually thought of as lack of freedom being, in the most general sense, ending
up in jail or prison.

With my writing of this book, with many assertions right down to the fundamental premise contained
in the title, one may be inclined to believe that ending up in jail or prison is of significant concern to
me. To the typical mind, untrained of extensive and truly deep thought, me writing and releasing this
book may be likened to something like a tier 1 quantum energy arts user performing very public
displays of their abilities while simply accepting the severe risks and dangers that they'd then be
exposing themselves to with their sensitive situation of having great power in a way, but also lacking
the stability to reliably maintain their freedom if it were to become widely known that they're an
exceptional individual with something to be greatly desired.

They may assume that in writing and releasing this book, I'm accepting a very significant and drastic
reduction in my freedom, perhaps with the justification provided that I'm doing it to save humanity
and I'm willing to essentially be a martyr for it. I can assure you that the situation is no such thing. I'm
going to walk the streets and go about my life no differently and with not even the slightest bit of
increased fear. I'm trying to imagine knowing someone with a core value of refined pure bidirectional
apprehension and thinking they have no foresight and throw their emotions around instead of follow
a calculated plan of action. Damn, I'd have to be a really huge idiot.

Even prison (which in case you're uninformed is actually what jail for serious criminals like murderers
is) is actually a considerably suitable environment for me to train my abilities if I end up there, as I
can simply request to be put into an isolation room for a few years straight, and just meditate using
quantum energy harvesting techniques in there. After my abilities are sufficiently developed, I can
simply use them to break out at any time, and easily get to anywhere I want to go with no vehicles of
transportation necessary.

They'll even hand-deliver my food to me every single day. In a very real way, it's actually a lot more
convenient of a way to prepare to end the world than the way I'd have to go about training my
abilities in the free world; it'd save me the effort of finding a suitable isolated location, carrying a
bunch of materials to it in several trips, building my shelter all by myself, and having to deal with
constantly ensuring I have sufficient water and food to survive while I willingly stick myself in that
small, dark, isolated room in the ground I'd have built for myself.

Ending up in prison would actually effectively reward me for acquiring and retaining my current
position far more than I'd ever consider it any kind of punishment. At one point, it actually seemed so
appealing to me in comparison to all the trouble I'd have to go through in order to achieve solid
isolation in the free world that I was very seriously considering walking into a police station of my
own free will and demanding I be put into an isolation cell in prison for a few years out of my own
free will and desire, and telling them I'm going to go commit crimes and then turn myself in after to
deserve that punishment if they wouldn't give it to me easily and willingly without me having to do so.

I have no problem accepting if I end up in prison for writing this book, or for any other reason for that
matter; it'll just be the final straw that makes me decide to finally give up entirely on humanity and
simply completely unapologetically progress full speed ahead towards destroying the world.

Now, you might be thinking, "You think they would let you be in an isolation room just because you
asked?"

Why not? If they don't give it to me peacefully, I can always just break the rules constantly so they
have to put me in there, to the point they'll end up realizing it's less of an immediate threat to them to
just give me what I want and let me stay in there. Eventually, they'll come to the conclusion anyways
that shorter periods of time in isolation aren't enough, and I'll need a longer period if there's any
chance of it reforming my behavior. If I specifically want something that's considered a serious
punishment, it's not very difficult to get it, especially if I'm willing to seek it out.

Besides, even if I do get arrested and end up in court facing charges, there's a pretty good chance
that I won't end up in prison anyways, at least not on any initial charges I'd end up with. Even if cops
want to get their hands on me and somehow succeed and it doesn't get them killed by Shadow
Confederation members coming to rescue me, I'll most likely end up in a mental hospital, not prison.
I wouldn't be charged with actually killing someone, so the charges wouldn't be nearly as serious as
otherwise, and given the circumstances, the judge would probably rule that a mental hospital is a
much more suitable place for me.
Someone who claims they'll become a global terrorist and single-handedly end the world would
sound more to a judge like someone mentally ill than someone actually capable of achieving such a
feat, especially after I respond to the inevitable question of how I plan to carry out my goal by telling
them that I'm going to meditate using special techniques which will result in me developing
supernatural abilities and becoming completely invincible, to the point that no kind of weaponry even
used by the world's most advanced trained assassins would ever be able to kill me, within most likely
only a couple years. The same societal belief that I'm crazy for acquiring and maintaining my
position is the same belief that makes it easier for me to approach my goals, even when people want
to strip as much freedom away from me as they possibly can for my position. The world works in a
pretty wild way, huh?

I could always then just meditate in the mental hospital, or if it becomes unbearable due to lack of
ability to achieve sufficient isolation, do some illegal shit in there, land myself in prison, then follow
the course of action to end up in isolation one way or another in there. Not only is it a foolproof plan,
it also comes with potentially even more pleasant circumstances than the ones still very sufficient to
achieve my goals.

Do you really think I walk around with all this confidence for no good reason?

You might then be left with the thought, "It's pretty crazy you're putting so much shit about
manipulating the system in writing that's so easy to use against you for tighter security against you."

Tighter security against me? I'm unstoppable. That's the reason I'm writing this book in the first
place. I'm not sure if I should consider it more hilarious or depressing how people seriously think
refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value is effectively insignificant in relation to very
clearly distinguishing me from everyone else without it. My mentality isn't only unbreakable in theory;
the understanding comes from the objectively quantifiable application of it within objective reality.

You might also have had the misfortune of facing your own considerable struggles, as many people
have. You may have possibly also been abused, ended up homeless at some point in your life,
played by someone you loved, lost someone you thought was your soulmate, or other such
experiences that allow you to attempt to relate to the kind of torment I have to deal with on a daily
basis. When considering those things, particularly if you've been part of those that have been
unfortunate enough to face considerably significant struggles of such nature throughout your entire
life, you may be left thinking poorly of me because you're not thinking and doing the kinds of drastic
things I am as a result of your understandably disillusioned view of the world.

If that's the case, sure you've been through shit, and I can empathize with the fact that it was quite
unfortunate for you, but even what you've been through isn't like what I've been through, and the end
result of me ending up with all this power that there's no reason for me not to use, while you didn't
end up in that position from the shit you went through, doesn't change. Not everyone comes out of
an extremely fucked up life by being a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core
value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, and as a result, they don't all write books
threatening to single-handedly destroy the world. Everyone's different, as they say.

After all that, you may be left with the thought that I'm not insane so much as simply lacking coping
skills, and that I'll eventually "come to my senses" and my position will change, making me feel like
an idiot for writing this book.

You know what I think about that? I think you're the one that needs to learn coping skills to deal with
your clearly attacked ego that is passive aggressively displaying that you're clearly salty and jealous
as fuck that you can't act the way I do and get away with it. It's something I'm used to coping with
though.
Power

All one's resources certainly give them power, however one's power can only potentially lead to
additional resources.

All power comes at a price. The greater the power, the greater the price. The question is never if
there really is a price, but if you'll be able to understand the full extent of the price and if you find it
worth it to pay for the power.

I took a huge risk with my life, and because I was bold, fearless, and prepared, I ended up in a far
better position than I otherwise would've ever been in. I have nobody to thank but myself.

After the first time I ended up homeless, it considerably eroded at my desire to live. I already hadn't
been feeling great before it happened, but after I had to go through it even once, I really started to
feel like there wasn't really any way I'd be able to make my life worth living. It was quite an
experience to have gotten from that point to where I am now, being fully confident in being
homeless, not only in how I carry myself and spend my time, but also the reason why I do what I do
and live the way I live.

It all started with my search for a deeper truth and a more comprehensive understanding of reality.

Particularly in combination with my fondness of Twitch, it led me to find that a YouTuber I watched
years in the past named Athene had become a streamer. Not only that, but he'd become a streamer
that was having intellectual debates about topics covered in psychology and philosophy. He
presented people with three steps to adopt logic as one's core value.

This was extremely intriguing to me as I felt that logic was already very distinctly what I valued the
most within the context of my existence, however I also found that unlike the impact that having logic
as a core value had on Athene in his life, it had only resulted in me becoming extremely miserable,
depressed, livid, overwhelmed, confused, lost, and suicidal.

While Athene was considerably successful with a large following on Twitch, reasonably wealthy,
visibly generally content, and had a wonderful girlfriend in a long-term relationship, I had no
considerable success, was broke, never really felt anything I'd consider even close to content even
on the rare occasion I was high as fuck on drugs, had only very recently escaped homelessness,
and never had a girlfriend in my entire life.

As powerful as I knew it must be under the right circumstances, particularly given a decent amount
of luck, I immediately knew there must be something much better than having logic as a core value
and I vowed to absolutely obsess over deconstructing, evaluating, rationalizing, and adapting the
very crude understanding of logic as a core value that I saw Athene was presenting into something
entirely new that identified the most powerful core value ever possible and outlined how to achieve
obtaining it.

I had no specific usage purpose in mind for this end result; I simply felt uncontrollably compelled,
completely immersed in and drawn to this extremely deep level of understanding in order to be able
to finally be able to logically and emotionally consolidate the extremely high amount of cognitive
dissonance that the entire situation was perpetually inflicting upon me.

I struggled with a back and forth with Athene for a couple months. I found that while Athene clearly
had a pretty solid grasp on what he was preaching, he also was quite a bully. He held "debates" with
people, but they were far more often a clown fiesta than a debate. He'd basically shit on someone
pretty quickly and then kick them out of voice chat once he was done clowning on them. It was
agitating to see.

There was also very clearly something that didn't add up in it all to me. I could see where the
process was coming from, but it certainly didn't seem very clearly thought through nor complete. It
was quite obvious to me that Athene was much more concerned with impressing people with the
way he presented himself and his connection to being logical rather than actually intrinsically having
deep love and respect for logic.

I was quite clearly able to identify points that Athene was lacking to properly consider and address.
He started realizing he couldn't even handle me and ended up removing messages I'd post in his
subreddit and banning me from his Twitch chat. The only time he had a "debate" with me on stream,
he clowned me and made a mockery of my knowledge, while I was seeking an actual debate.

What made it worse was that he knew I was equipped to actually have rational discourse. He had
one of his underlings screen me and ask me several questions about the angle I was approaching
the debate with him from before they even let me speak to him. He knew I'd be a challenge, and
instead of actually attempting to seek truth and mutual growth, he only cared about his image and
his ego (which he claimed not to have).

The way I saw him treating other people, me, and logic in general made me lose a lot of respect for
him. I used to think he was a really funny and entertaining guy, but he'd become an egotistical bully
that thought he was amazing because he'd donated some large portion of money to charity. What he
was doing made me sick. I realized that with the extent of critical thinking abilities I had, I should be
able to make my own much more comprehensive system of philosophy and my own set of steps to
achieve an elevated core value, particularly one even more powerful than what Athene was
preaching.
After much back and forth and realizing I wasn't going to get anywhere positive with Athene, I looked
within. I spent entire days doing nothing but deep reflection on my life and everything that had led
me to understand life in ways that allowed me to crush even Athene's considerable intellect that
quite easily absolutely destroyed the vast majority of his viewers.

The end result was the understanding of initially the concept of bidirectional apprehension and
eventually the variation in core values within the bracket and the ultimate understanding of refined
pure bidirectional apprehension being the strongest core value one could ever possibly possess. I
recognized that what Athene was actually preaching was transforming a backwards-rationalized
apprehension based core value into a forewards-rationalized apprehension based one, and this
switch was what he referred to as the "click" that people would experience when being successful in
following his steps.

With the deeper understanding of the core value heirarchy, it becomes very obvious why so many
people "unclicked" when following Athene. While one's core value downgrading from a bidirectional
apprehension variant is quite unlikely, the strength difference between a backwards-rationalized and
forwards-rationalized core value is practically marginal in comparison. It's also quite easy to revert to
a backwards-rationalized core value from a forwards-rationalized one. The people that didn't
"unclick" had likely managed to adopt a bidirectional apprehension variant, but Athene didn't
understand what was really going on, how to describe it, or how to reliably reproduce it.

I took everything I figured out and put it together onto a website.

Before long, I noticed I was getting hits from multiple IP addresses and I was quite confused where
these hits were coming from because I wasn't advertising this website and there wasn't really any
way to randomly find it; I'd made it and was hosting it on a server but wasn't sure exactly what I was
going to do with it.

This got me thinking. I ended up contemplating on the idea of the Illuminati, the secret underground
group that supposedly controlled the world. When I looked at the kind of knowledge I had, it just
made sense to me that I wasn't possibly the only one that had a deeper understanding of reality than
Athene, and I also knew that whoever did, they must be powerful.

I'd only just started really figuring things out and I was noticing a drastic change in myself. I felt a lot
more confident. I was able to think a lot more clearly. A lot of my ambient anxiety had faded and it
was only fading more as time passed. I felt like a different person. I could only imagine how
empowering this kind of mental shift would be over a prolonged period of time.

Since what I knew clearly wasn't common knowledge, I realized I was now special. I also realized
that I'd figured it all out myself which meant I didn't owe loyalty or respect to anyone for what I knew.
I looked at my life and even with what I'd recently discovered, I didn't really feel like I had much to
live for.

I decided I was going to change my website to be an Illuminati website, simply sharing the
information because I could and I felt like it and I didn't care about the repercussions. After the kinds
of things I'd had to deal with on the streets, I was already ready to die, so I really didn't care.

"Fuck it, what's the worst that could happen?" I told myself.

I don't remember exactly how long it took, but shit happened.

I've always liked the night time atmosphere. I'd go for walks in the middle of the night to clear my
head. I didn't live in a particularly dangerous area or anything, and I was always of a bigger build,
plus I'd carry a knife with me and didn't even carry expensive stuff worth stealing, so I wasn't scared
about getting jumped. One night, I took a walk like I often did.

There weren't really any cars on the road. I heard and saw one car coming in the distance. I didn't
think anything of it at first.

As it got closer, I heard it slow down. I looked to the side as I kept walking and a black car pulled up
on the side of the road beside the sidewalk I was on. Four people immediately got out, one from
each door. They all had dark clothing on.

"You! Stop! Now!" one said, not quite yelling but not exactly calmly either. All four of them were
walking quickly towards me.

"What do you want?" I said fearlessly. I was definitely unsettled and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at all
afraid, but as I said earlier, I was ready to die already.

"Shadow Confederation. We've seen your website," another told me as they all approached and
stood in front of me.

"Okay... and? What do you want?" I responded. I was curious as to what was going on. Were these
people for real?

"Who showed you the black book?" the same man asked me.

"Black book? I don't know anything about that," I responded. I was confused.

"How did you acquire the knowledge you have? Who told you these things?" another man asked me.

"Nobody told me. I figured it out myself. I've been through some shit in my life and I think a lot. I've
been ready to die for a while now already and I'm fucking sick of life, so if you're going to kill me, just
do it already you fuckers," I snapped at them. I couldn't really see another reason they were
approaching me.
"We didn't come here for that," the first man told me, "Although we are armed if you plan to get
violent."

All four of them pulled their jackets to the side to reveal guns in their belts.

"Chill. I ain't attacking you. I don't know anything about any black book. That's all I can say about
that. Do you want anything else from me or can I go back to walking now?" I said calmly. I wasn't
planning to attack them even if they didn't have guns; I've never been inclined to violence and they
weren't even being overly intimidating.

They shared some information with me. I'm not going to say exactly what I learned but just know that
I was convinced they weren't pranking me. In the end, they basically just told me to be careful with
what I share online or with other people and they'd leave me alone. I explained to them how I'd
learned and posted the information for personal growth and with no hidden agenda in mind, and they
seemed to understand after I explained my life to them some more. Some things they already knew
about, several others they didn't. In the end, we seemed to understand each other and they left.

Long story short, I'd become a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation.

I finished my walk and headed home. I didn't even have trouble sleeping that night.

After that experience, I happened to come across other members. I learned that one of my relatives
was actually in it, and he actually offered to let me read the black book, but I wasn't interested and
he didn't push it. I also met some members online and had some deep talks with them. It was sort of
cool the first couple times, but then it just became kind of matter-of-fact and pretty whatever.

Anyways, the point is that even the world's most powerful people won't stop me if I choose to single-
handedly destroy the world.

I took it upon myself to have the initiative to assert my place within the Shadow Confederation,
before I even knew that was what it was really called. Back then, I just knew it was the Illuminati, this
secret underground crazy thing with people that would scare the shit out of most normal people.
After I asserted my position as such, however, I was eventually contacted by other members, and
my position remained strong still.

The ones I've interacted with were all shocked at my position, and by the time I was done
demonstrating myself to them, they seemed almost uncertain how to even deal with me. I was really
scared about what might happen initially to be completely honest, but after my experiences asserting
my position, I actually find it quite amusing any time I come across another member. These people
end up giving me more respect than any normal person ever does.
I never asked for any compensation for joining. I never asked for any favors from any of the
members I've interacted with. I've become a part of the Shadow Confederation, but I've received no
benefits from anyone other than myself, which I would've had with or without being a shadow. I
wouldn't say I regret asserting my position inside of it though; it's not like I lost anything as far as I'm
concerned.

I was already too weird and "crazy" for anyone normal to handle; I might as well be able to assert
confidently that they should be scared of me for a very objectively clear reason. Besides, it was
interesting meeting other members; I came to better realize and understand just how powerful I
really am, even only relying on myself.

It's been quite liberating.

Life
Mind Changing Concept

During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:

"Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept".

Changing the conventional way of thinking.

Being Professional

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:

"Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional".

Focus only on what you are trained to do!

Experience

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who
has only completed Year 6 in primary school):

"Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said:

"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV
news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience".

Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

Swim With The Tide

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But
the supervisor said to him:

"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we
have previously embezzled from the bank".

This is called "Swim with the tide".

Converting an unfavourable situation to your advantage!

Killing Boredom

The supervisor says:

"It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom".

Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

Knowledge Is Worth As Much As Gold

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted
and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and
complained:

"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his
fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

Seizing The Opportunity

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered
by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity".

Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here?

 Hate
To most people who are trying to understand someone, getting a clear view of their past experiences
that shaped them and made them who they are today is a very valuable thing.

For someone writing a book asserting their dominance on the entire planet and everyone in it, this
book wouldn't be complete without an extensive view into my entire past since childhood. This
should help me attempt to start allowing you to understand how I've become the beast that I am
today.

Naturally, I can't share every single thing in complete detail, not because it's embarrassing, but
because I simply cannot share absolutely everything I know in this book. Mainly, I don't want anyone
to be able to stop me, but also because I don't remember absolutely everything that's ever happened
to me either. This is perhaps more of a nitpicking statement however, as much detail will be
provided.

That being said, I'm going to cover a whole lot, and I'll try to remember everything I can and share
everything that wouldn't be completely detrimental to my chances with Kimi due to pissing off some
very dangerous people and also without sharing anything that would actually let anyone stop me
from executing my plans to enter isolation and end the world if it does end up coming to that
because Kimi ends up showing that she's actually such a cold person that she must have never
really loved me.
Childhood

I was born on May 22nd, 1994. I didn't come out easy; from what I know, the doctor had to do a C-
section to get me out. I'm not sure exactly how much I weighed, but I think I was on the heavier side.
Anyways, that's the boring stuff.

Like most people, I don't have any recollection whatsoever of the first few years of my life. They
must've been really boring anyways, so I suppose it really doesn't matter. Probably cried a lot and
pooped in many diapers. Nothing special. My mother told me later on that I hardly slept for several
days after getting circumcised, so that must've sucked, but luckily I don't remember.

My first memories start when I must've been at least 8 or 9 years old. They're pretty alright in the
very beginning. Back then, before my parents divorced, my family lived in a decently nice house, and
I actually had a bedroom and also a computer room which was connected by a washroom. I had a
pretty big bed, and as I hardly even had much of a notion of identity at that point, my gender
dysphoria still wasn't a very prominent part of my awareness. I knew it was there and it wasn't
something that came and went either, but being so young I wasn't even really sure what it meant and
basically just tried to ignore it and live my life.

Back then, Pentium 4 CPUs were amazing. Originally, we had only one family computer. That
quickly became an issue, though, as me and my younger brother would always want to use the
computer, and we'd end up regularly fighting over it. Eventually, I got my own computer which I put
together myself, and I'd use that one while my brother used the old family computer.

It wasn't very long before I was curious about trying to make my own website, and once I started
using the "View Source" menu option in Internet Explorer, I quickly started diving into the world of
HTML, using good old trial and error.

The real family problems started around the time I was 10 years old.
Hidden

I don't know very much about my parents to be honest. They never wanted to share much and never
made the environment at home conductive to it feeling very appropriate nor desirable either. I hardly
know much about how my parents even met or how their relationship was before they had kids; all I
know about how they got married is the story my father told me about it.

I doubt I've ever been told the complete truth, but as I've watched the relationship between my
parents unfold as I grew up, it's only made more and more sense to me why society has moved
away from the norm of essentially spontaneous marriages with little to no previous interaction
between the people involved, as well as why my parents were so secretive and distant from me.

It's become quite fascinating to me how fucked up the human condition is; we've managed to evolve
throughout such a long period of time, developing from quite primitive beings to very complex ones
that dominate the entire planet, and yet we've only in more recent years managed to realize that it
really takes a meaningful relationship with depth before marriage in order to not result in a very likely
fucked up and unsatisfying marriage, and even then it's still not something that's globally recognized
and accepted.

Many people still think they can take massive unnecessary risks with fucking their and even others'
love lives up, likely in the name of irrationally rigid cultural norms, then just sweep it all under the rug
and keep secrets when things don't go well; the effects of the past generations bleeding into the
present in this regard is so strong that I'm not sure if fascinating is as appropriate of a word to use
rather than disgusting and concerning.
Meeting

Apparently, he saw her at some ceremony.

Now that I think about it, he never even made it clear what it was. Maybe a baptism or a baby
shower or a birthday party, all I really know is that there were multiple families from their shared race
that were meeting for something. He said he saw her interacting with some children at this gathering,
and pretty much was instantly left with the impression she was good with kids, which was the
primary criteria he used to choose to ask to marry her.

Yeah, right.

I've never thought my mother is even remotely attractive, but he must've thought she had a nice ass
or something back then and picked her that way, but not even have the balls to say it to me straight
up because he's too much of a coward to accept the truth about his poor decision making that led to
my life being so fucked up.

After all, he was already running his own business and making decent money when he met my
mother, and while I don't think he was a player, I'm pretty sure he had quite a few women he
could've picked from. What kind of reasoning is it to pick your future spouse based purely on their
potential capacity to raise kids? Is he gay or something?

I mean, say you thought she had a nice body, say you liked her smile and thought she had a bright
personality, say you liked what you heard about her family background, there are several things you
could say that seem appropriate as reasons to want to marry someone, but to say it was vaguely
because she seemed good with kids? It comes off fake as fuck, or if it's somehow not, then it clearly
was a severe lapse in judgement, especially for someone who arrogantly likes to flaunt their ability to
think.

I already know my father's fake as fuck in many other respects, so I'd hardly be surprised if this was
a flat-out lie he's been saying to try to make up for how fucked up things turned out in our family.
Given what I've seen of his personality though, this is hardly surprising; he hasn't been the type to
coherently believe in keeping things real even when the going gets tough.

He contacted her family through family connections or something, he left the details of that unclear
like many other things; he arranged for a meeting with her in his car. I suppose this part's believable
enough, that sounds pretty standard for the kind of approach that might be taken among people in
that generation. Not sharing any details about how exactly he went about it or his relation to them
shows a pretty clear lack of desire to be understood very well though.
I don't see any good reason to want to tell this story, especially the several times he's done so, while
deliberately always hiding the same details that all build up to a quite significant lack of overall
information, if you don't have things to hide. Something about it still seems sketchy, even if this
approach does make sense to believe could've happened.

It'd make more sense that at the very least this isn't the whole truth, and that they had some kind of
past history before this event that I've never been told anything about. I've always found it very
strange how every time he's told the story, it's always exactly the same progression with exactly the
same details and absolutely no additional information or random little relevant memories thrown in
here or there; it's like he rehearsed the story he wanted to present in his head for the years we'd
grown distant, preparing to regurgitate the same bullshit over and over whenever he felt like it to try
to convince himself he could manipulate someone with intelligence of my caliber.

Well, the idiot really didn't know who he was going to be dealing with. Him being an idiot seems to be
a recurring pattern in his life too, so I can hardly say that's surprising either.

What he's always said is he talked with her in his car for not even half an hour. Asked her if she
drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and did drugs. She said no to it all.

To which he proceeded to tell her he wanted to marry her and she had one week to make her
decision and contact him if she wanted to go for it.

Seriously?

This is another one of those things that seems somehow reasonably plausible given the generation
he's from, but it feels clearly rehearsed in delivery and certainly can't be the whole truth. After all, it
doesn't take at least 15-20 minutes just to ask a couple very quick yes or no questions and very
quickly get the answers to them.

I can't know exactly what happened and what was said during that conversation, assuming it's not
entirely a lie. Considering that the best lies are hidden within half-truths, it's quite likely that he did
truly meet her in his car for some period of time during which at some point he ended up asking her
to marry him and giving her some time to consider it. What else was said and done in that
interaction, which likely would provide more insight into how things ended up so fucked up in that
relationship, he clearly has incentive to hide, so I'll never know.

Probably my mother tripping a bunch of massive red flags which my father realized in retrospect that
he was a moron not to see, and he now feels far too embarrassed and ashamed to ever admit it.
Probably explains why, in all of my limited interaction with my father before I cut him out of my life
completely, he would constantly try to tell me to think more while I constantly demonstrated to him
that he thinks far less than I do; his awareness of his severe lack in thinking in the past continues to
haunt him to this day, while he also, like the idiot he is, continues not to learn from his mistakes.
Idiot

She waited until the last day to hit him up.

The last fucking day. If that's not a red flag for the viability of a long-term loving relationship, I don't
know what is. I can deal with a woman drinking. I can deal with a woman smoking. I can deal with a
woman doing drugs. Hell, I could deal with a woman literally being a prostitute before deciding to
commit to a relationship with me. But if she already seems considerably reluctant to be with me, I
decide to give her a time limit within which to decide if she wants to enter into a relationship with me,
and she waits until the last fucking day to accept? If I was my father, I would've told her no thanks,
never talk to me again, you stupid bitch.

I don't care what generation you're from, you're completely retarded and deserve a bad outcome in
your relationship if you can't see a clear lack of love and affection in someone making it that blatantly
obvious that even if they have any serious intention to enter into a relationship with you, they're
definitely only planning to do so to use you and then toss you into the garbage once they've finished
finding usefulness in you. Especially when you have no real leverage to ensure to any significant
extent that they'll think twice before unapologetically taking advantage of you like that.

That's not being in love, that's being a complete idiot. I'm not sure if my father was fortunate enough
not to have his father be such a dumbass, or if he was just such a dumbass himself that he could've
observed such a thing happening to his own father and should've worked more actively to raise his
awareness towards it and avoid it happening to him too but didn't, but I can certainly say that there's
no way in hell I'm ever making that kind of mistake.

My father, being the idiot that he is, decided everything was good to go and he married her.

I've never heard anything about where it happened, how it was, who if anyone was invited, how they
felt around that time, none of anything like that. I'm not even sure of exactly when it was that they got
married, they've never told me a date nor shown me any pictures. It's all just so fucking sketchy and
shady. For a long time, I didn't really think much about it and even thought it must be normal for
parents to be so distant and secretive, but as I've grown up, I've come to very clearly see just how
severe the manipulation both of my parents were doing to me was.

I guess the only part I really got lucky with was that they're both terrible liars when attempting to
deceive a more mature eye, and how stupid they are has allowed me to very clearly distinguish the
severity of the manipulation and be able to reverse the brainwashing they worked so diligently to
inflict upon me for such a long time.
Used

In a way, it's hard to say for certain whether either or both of my parents intended only to use the
other from the very beginning or if it just ended up that way because they didn't have enough love
between them to make their relationship last, but it's certainly become quite clear that they initially
got married because they found use in each other in very clear ways and that was the reason they
ended up together rather than any real or at least significant feelings of love between them. Based
on what I've heard and seen, my mother was trying to escape her harsh and basically abusive family
environment without much money, a job, or the skills to get a job, and my father wanted a woman to
give birth to his children.

I seem to recall at some point, somehow, that I heard the marriage had only lasted about 13 years,
which was when I was about 10, as they were getting divorced. So I came in the picture within them
being married for about two years, and then my brother less than 3 years later. Why it took that time
before they had children I'm quite unsure and was never offered any kind of explanation for.

My parents were both pretty cold, distant, and just overall gave off a mean vibe to me, even when I
was young and they weren't divorced. Back then though, it wasn't that bad. I don't have any great
childhood memories. Probably the only decently pleasant memory I have from my childhood was
when I got my own computer, meaning I no longer had to share computer time on the family PC with
my brother.

I had an uncle on my mother's side that had a technically involved job where he'd assemble and sell
computers as part of his company's operations. I'd went to his office a few times and he helped me
learn how to assemble a computer from the parts. Using that knowledge, I assembled my new
computer myself after the parts arrived. I felt accomplished.

I don't recall any real tension or fights at all between my parents for the first 10 years of our family
life. I certainly saw nothing that would indicate they'd ever get divorced, and it wasn't something I
ever thought about at all, even once they started fighting, until the fights started to happen nearly
every day and seem to always escalate to yelling and persistent tension between my parents. The
onset was quite sudden, and I had no idea really what they were even fighting about or why they
ended up getting divorced, until well after my mother had already taken me and my brother from the
house we shared with our father.

There was one point where I witnessed my mother literally spit in my father's face, right in front of
me, my brother, and her mother; that was when I started to really feel like things were going
downhill.
When I was about 10, everything just suddenly very quickly turned to shit. Out of seemingly
nowhere, my parents suddenly started fighting nearly every single day. It'd go on for hours, them
yelling at each other back and forth. My father would stay at work late, and when he came home
he'd just want to watch TV and not interact much at all with anyone else in the house. He'd wake up
early in the morning to leave for work, and he'd come home late and basically ignore everyone. It
didn't actually bother me much at all personally; I actually quite liked that he wouldn't bother me and
it meant I only had to worry about nagging from my mother taking me away from the activities I'd
constantly immerse myself in on my computer.

I wasn't sure what was going to happen or what to think at first. I'd recently heard of the game
MapleStory from the only person I knew who I could consider any kind of friend back then in
elementary school, and I found it extremely enjoyable, so I'd always drown out my parents' arguing
by playing MapleStory.

I also had started taking all the extra time I had on the computer because I now had my own to work
with in order to use the "View Source" feature in my web browser to start teaching myself HTML. I
even messed around in CSS, JS, and PHP a little too.
Deceived

One day, my mother told me and my brother out of nowhere to pack our things because we were
going to spend a week at my grandma's house. Being young and extremely naive, I didn't think
much of it and believed that was all that was happening, so I didn't put up any kind of fight. All I
cared about was if I could bring my computer so I could play MapleStory and code while we were
over there instead of having to be bored all day. When my mother said I could, I felt as content as I
could've been at that moment.

Spoiler alert, we didn't end up staying there for only a week.

More than a month passed, and we were still at my grandma's. My mother had still made no mention
of why we were still there or when we were going back home. One day, it suddenly just dawned on
me how long we'd been there, and I became very concerned about it and the fact that my mother
didn't give any indication we were going back home any time soon. Even as a child, I wasn't afraid of
confrontation. I confronted my mother about why we'd been there for so long and when we were
going back home.

That's when she finally decided to casually drop on me that she was divorcing my father and we
were never going back.

I was absolutely livid.

I reminded her that I could clearly recall that I'd specifically told her before she'd made this decision
that if she was going to leave my father, I wanted to stay with him. My reasoning was very simple
and also two-fold. First of all, my mother was completely financially unstable and incompetent, while
my father had a stable and established business he'd already been running for several years and
single-handedly already provided for his entire family with. The prospects with my mother in terms of
finances were absolutely horrid in comparison. Second of all, my mother had already completely
clearly demonstrated to me that she was absolutely mentally unstable as fuck.
Lunatic

Now, you may be wondering how my mother could've already very clearly demonstrated to me that
she's severely mentally unstable when I myself was only 10 years old and hardly even had much
knowledge of the world. Well, the fact that I didn't have such a detailed view of the world was
actually what made it so clear that what I'd experienced because of this woman made her clearly
insane.

Aside from her clear inclination to enjoy randomly picking fights and being extremely controlling and
obsessive about where I was, what I was doing, and where every single thing I owned was, along
with the fact that she'd regularly threaten to lock me in the dark in the garage or put me up for
adoption any time she felt like it, there was that one mental breakdown she had where she lost her
mind and started randomly going around the house crying and screaming for her mother. She
literally started just acting completely insane one day.

Me and my brother were so confused and scared that we called our father, who had to stop working
just to come home and figure out what the fuck was going on, you know, considering we told him our
mother had gone insane randomly.

After he came home and saw what was going on, he told us to give them a little space and he'd talk
to her alone. They talked for a little while, and afterwards my father came back to us and told us she
had just been faking it and she'll start acting normal again. Me and my brother were both very
confused. We approached her, and I asked her why she'd done what she did. She simply said that at
one point, we'd called her crazy, and so she wanted to show us what crazy really looked like.

So basically, my mother had a massive mental breakdown and started acting like she'd
spontaneously developed a mental illness and lost her mind, simply because a child less than 10
years old at the time had called her crazy once over something so insignificant and very likely at
least mildly appropriate to do so over that even she couldn't recall what it was.

After that, I knew my mother was a lunatic.

Trouble

So, my mother, whom had already clearly demonstrated to me that she was a lunatic, mentally and
financially incompetent to take care of me or my brother properly, had lied to me and forcefully took
me away from my father's care, whom I would have preferred to live with and I had explicitly told her
that already. I felt certain I'd have to deal with a lot of abuse from her, even from a young age as this
was all happening and before my mother could really start being extremely controlling and abusive,
and I wasn't wrong.

Throughout the time I was forced to live with her, she was very controlling and frequently relentlessly
emotionally abusive.

She'd always find things to pick at me for and harass me on a near-daily basis. If I had little or no
homework, she'd fight with me that I should have more. If I had a lot of homework and had to stay up
late, she'd fight with me that I shouldn't have so much. If I stayed at home all day on my computer,
usually coding as I often did, she'd complain and fight with me that I don't go out and hang out with
friends or socialize. On the rare occasion that I did go out with friends, she'd turn around and start
fighting with me for days following that I always went out and messed around with my friends instead
of staying at home and working towards improving my future.

There was always something she'd pick at and fight with me over. No matter how rational the
thoughts I conveyed to her were or how logical my actions were, she always found some
emotionally-rooted disgusting way to worm her way out of admitting she was wrong or giving me any
real praise no matter how much I deserved it. As you can imagine, this was quite traumatizing.

Fast forward to me hitting 18 years old. I enter university. At this point, I had already been
programming for over 8 years, as I first started with HTML already when I was 10 years old.

Upon seeing the first year course work literally being a joke for me, I decided to talk to some others
(3rd/4th years at the university, as well as my 4th year cousin in Software Engineering at the time),
and it was quite obvious that my programming abilities very significantly surpassed theirs. As a
result, I came to the probabilistic conclusion that it would be quite inefficient to continue going. So I
very quickly stopped really caring about going to school and getting any good grades in any subject.

During the lowest and most stressful points in my life, I usually smoke cigarettes. I have a theory
about smoking cigarettes that has proven quite accurate thus far in my life, at least for me. If you
only smoke cigarettes when you're at your lowest and most stressful points, you'll associate cigarette
smoking strictly with absolute misery and disgust; as a result, you'll use them to get through the
hardest times in your life, but you'll never crave them when you feel good, because you've mentally
associated them with negativity to such a thorough extent that they simply hold no appeal.
This was a very troubling time in my life, so I'd sometimes go out to the park nearby my house and
smoke cigarettes. I especially enjoyed sitting on the bench in the middle of the park and staring at
the night sky in the middle of the night as I puffed on some cigarettes. One day, after I'd come home
from university very late, it was around 1 in the morning, and it felt like one of those nights to sit on
the bench in the park and smoke some cigarettes. I was at the point that I very clearly knew I didn't
want to continue going to university, but I felt lost in my direction in life in that case, because I also
felt like my programming skills were quite exceptional and I didn't want to work a regular job, so I
was pretty stressed and feeling quite low.

As I sat on the bench in the park smoking, someone started walking by. He stopped in front of me
and asked me if he could have a cigarette. The only cigarettes I had at the time were a few
Marlboros that I'd gotten from one of my best friends in high school, who'd imported them from the
US to sell for a profit at school. He'd given me some for free because I'd help him out with computer
stuff sometimes and I'd also come over to his house far more than any of my other friends, because
we had a good time chilling.

I knew my friend had since ran out and wasn't buying more, so the few I had were the last Marlboros
I was probably going to smoke for a long time. Still, I felt nice because I was enjoying the
atmosphere of the nighttime at the park, so I decided to give him one.

He thanked me and started walking away, but as he looked at the cigarette to check the brand, he
stopped for a moment.

"Is this a Marlboro?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied nonchalantly. I was just giving the guy a free cigarette, so I wasn't sure why he was
asking about the brand. It was free after all.

"Nice! It's my favorite! Thanks man," he responded as he started to walk away.

I didn't think much of it and took another drag off my cigarette. That cigarette finished, and I sparked
up another one right after. I don't smoke very often, but when I do, I pretty much always chain
smoke. I continued to sit on the bench at the park. I felt like staying for at least another hour or 2,
and my house was extremely close to the park, so it'd literally take me less than 2 minutes of walking
to get home and I wasn't stressing about it. Besides, if I waited long enough, hopefully my mother
would be asleep when I went inside, instead of sitting in the living room waiting to surprise me and
start bitching about why I came home so late.

I was an 18 year old in university that never once came home incoherent and in any way apparently
drunk or high, yet she was still extremely controlling and unreasonably interrogative of me every time
I left the house, even if I just wanted to go for a walk and some fresh air, or even every time I'd get
home from university, regardless of what time I got home. I wanted to focus on what I was going to
do with my future instead of that bullshit, so I just kept staring at the sky puffing my cigarette thinking
about life.

I wasn't keeping my eye on the time, but it must've been about 15 or 20 minutes after I'd given that
guy I'd never seen before a cigarette in the middle of the night, and he returned to the park. He
approached me once again, the cigarette I'd given him earlier still in his hand.

"Hey, could I have a light?" he said as he put the cigarette to his lips.

"Oh, yeah," I said. I reached for my lighter in my pocket and handed it to him. He lit his cigarette,
took a drag, and handed my lighter back to me.

"Yo, do you smoke weed?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied casually. I had no idea why he was asking.

"Here, I got something for you," he said as he raised his hand not holding a cigarette.

I opened my hand not holding the cigarette I was currently smoking, and he placed something into it.
It was quite dark due to it being the middle of the night, and for a moment it was hard to make out
what it was he'd given me, but after looking at it for a little while, I was pretty sure of what it was.

"Yo, is this weed?" I asked with some visible excitement.

"Yeah bro. It's for you. Enjoy. You gave me a Marlboro and they're my favorite but really hard to find
around here, so I wanted to give you a gift. Have a good night man," he said with a smile on his face.

"Thanks bro! I'll enjoy it for sure," I responded happily. Even in the dimly lit middle of the night at the
park, I could still see that the nug of weed he'd given me looked to be more than half a gram, so it
wasn't a tiny amount he'd given me either. Certainly more than what that cigarette was worth. I
figured he just felt generous like I had.

"No problem bro. See you around," he said as he turned around and took another drag off his
cigarette as he walked away.

I didn't think much about it. I was happy to have some weed I could smoke later, because I hadn't
had some for quite some time at that point, and I could really use it to help me deal with the stress of
both dealing with my abusive and controlling mother as well as trying to figure my future out. I
continued to smoke the cigarette I was smoking. When that one finished, I lit and smoked another
one. Then another one after that. Then I just stared at the night sky for a good while longer, and
eventually made my way home. It was well past 2 at that point, and luckily, my mother was asleep. I
walked up to my room and went to sleep.
The next day, I decided to stay at home and just smoke the weed I'd gotten as I contemplated my
future some more. My mother had to go to work, so it was very easy to simply tell her I had classes
to go to later, and then just never end up leaving the house. Going downstairs and moving my shoes
around a little so my mother couldn't try to interrogate me about them seeming to be in exactly the
same position would be sufficient to keep her off my back. I stayed at home and thought about my
future while slowly smoking the weed I'd got throughout several hours, and then as the time neared
that my mother would get home, I left the house and went to the park to chill.

I was thinking about life and not using my computer anyways, so I had no specific reason to stay
home, and since it was extremely stressful even being around my mother in the same house,
stepping out and getting fresh air to think would be infinitely more effective at allowing me to relax
and clear my head than staying around to possibly get fought with and/or interrogated randomly as
my mother passive aggressively took out her frustrations with life on me.

I still had some cigarettes left, so I started smoking. After some time, both my brother and the dude
that I gave a cigarette to the previous night approached me at the park. I was surprised and
confused. I quickly learned that the dude actually went to the same high school that my brother did,
and they weren't close, but they knew each other. I learned that he sold weed and he'd come to the
park I was starting to hang out at often because he lived really close to the park as well and it was a
spot he often made sales. He told me his real name, but he told me he preferred to be called Clutch.
Not a problem.

I lived at a house literally right beside the park, while he lived a few houses down a nearby street; he
was less than a minute walking distance further away from the park, so it made a lot of sense. That's
how I came to realize I'd met my neighborhood drug dealer after only a few times of smoking
cigarettes in the middle of the night at the park near my house.

"So what are you doing? Are you staying here or what?" Clutch asked me with clear interest.

"I got a lot on my mind and it's stressful at home so I'm gonna chill here and keep smoking
cigarettes," I told him.

"Will you be here in like an hour?" he asked me, pretty obviously because he planned to return.

"Yeah bro, I'll be around for sure," I assured him.

He told me he'd be back in the park later in the day, and with weed. After a little while, he had to go
home, so I told my brother not to mention that he knows anything about my whereabouts if my
mother asks him, and both my brother and Clutch left. I continued to sit on the park bench and
smoke cigarettes, thinking about my future as I waited for Clutch to return with weed.

After less than an hour, Clutch returned.

He had a joint with him. He lit it and we started talking as we passed the joint back and forth. He
seemed like an alright dude, and he was certainly quite friendly towards me for a drug dealer. I'd
never been a customer, nor had I even expressed interest in becoming one. He told me that he
didn't really have any friends that lived really close to him like me, and he expressed interest in
hanging out more often. He offered to let me smoke weed for free every time we hung out, because
he smoked it every day and always had some to spare, being a dealer.

It sounded good to me, so I agreed. Because I was in university and left and returned home at
varying hours, I finally got a phone for the first time in life from my mother, because she wanted to be
able to further be a control freak over my life; she didn't present it that way though, obviously.
Anyways, the point is I had a number, so me and Clutch exchanged numbers.

The next day, Clutch texts me to meet him at the park. My mother had already left for work, and I
was just thinking about my future anyways, so I agreed. As I walked into the park, I saw Clutch
standing beside the bench smoking a cigarette. It looked like he'd only very recently started. I walked
up to him, we greeted each other, and I took out a cigarette myself and lit it. We smoked our
cigarettes mostly in silence. Clutch finished his cigarette a little before I did, and he took out a joint.
He asked me if I was down to smoke it with him.

Of course, I was. As we were passing the joint back and forth, he mentioned that he had a chop to
do, and asked if I was down to bring him back to my house so we could smoke more weed while he
bagged some up to sell it. I was just thinking about life and not doing much else, and I really wanted
to smoke more weed, so I agreed.

I started to go to the park to smoke cigarettes nearly every day, and Clutch would regularly either run
into me at the park or text me and ask me what I was up to and if I was down to smoke some weed
with him. We started hanging out pretty much every day. We'd smoke weed and cigarettes inside the
house, and he'd make chops at the front door regularly.

After a while, he actually decided to dabble in also dealing MDMA, and he had his supplier come to
my house; that was a pretty interesting experience. A while after Clutch called his guy, a car with no
license plates pulled up into the driveway. Clutch even made it a point to point out the lack of a
license plate, to emphasize how hardcore the guy was. He came inside with a bag. We all went into
my room, and Clutch and his source sat on my bed. Clutch then took out a ton of bills and started
counting up thousands of dollars in 20s, 10s, and 5s, as his source took out 2 huge 1 pound bags of
weed and 14 grams of MDMA crystals then proceeded to watch Clutch and confirm the amount.
Mother

As I started hanging out with Clutch and being able to smoke a lot more weed and relax more, I was
more and more certain that finishing university wasn't the life path that felt right to me. I carefully
thought about my options. I wanted to start specializing my coding skills and doing some research
and work with graphics engines so I could start doing game development. It was something I'd
wanted to do from a young age, so I felt drawn to it. I've always loved games, and I've always loved
coding, so game development seemed like the best logical decision as it was a combination of both
of those things.

However, I also knew my mother wasn't going to let me drop out of school so I could stay at home
and work on developing a game. I knew that she knew I was good with computers, but she'd always
look down on my skills of both working with computers in general as well as coding in specific, which
wasn't surprising at all because she literally never had anything good to say to me and literally never
complimented me on anything even when I did well in something. If I did one thing well or maturely,
she'd find something else to try to bash my character and lifestyle around with.

So I decided to start looking for a job. I decided I had to let my mother know, because I wanted to
know her reaction, and I also didn't want her to cause a huge fight with me about it later if I found a
job and suddenly just approached her one day and told her I found a job and was quitting university
because I found it a waste of my time and money. Dealing with my mother was always extremely
stressful, and I hated opening up to her at all, because I knew I had no good reason to trust her at all
one bit more than absolutely necessary. I popped some MDMA, waited for it to start kicking in, and
then went downstairs to tell my mother I was getting a job.

During that initial conversation, she was making strange suggestions and interrupting me way too
frequently to the point I had to tell her several times to simply let me speak my thoughts instead of
constantly interrupting and giving input I didn't ask for or want, but although she wasn't listening to
that request, she didn't seem opposed to me getting a job. She even told me she'd get me a suit I
could wear for my interviews. I thought it was weird and unnecessary, but she was extremely
insistent on it and said that I needed to wear one to leave a good first impression on my potential
future employers.

At the time, I didn't have the insight to know it definitely wasn't appropriate clothing for a job interview
for a programmer position, which was what I was applying for, or any other job I'd ever apply for
either for that matter, but because I'd never been to an interview before, I thought she was actually
being nice; I've long since realized that this was her passive aggressive way of sabotaging my
chances at actually getting a job, and I was very frustrated once I found out.
Once I realized what she'd done, I also immediately knew why, and I was only further disgusted. It
was quite ironic actually. Throughout the time I'd had to live with her, she'd regularly criticize my
father and praise herself, saying that my father was trying to trap her with him by intentionally
sabotaging her ability to leave him and making her feel like she was doomed without him in her life,
to which she felt very proud she'd managed to overcome it. The reason it's ironic is because that's
exactly what she was trying to do to me with being so insistent on me wearing a suit to every single
job interview I attended.

A little while passed, and I went to two job interviews, both of which my mother insisted I wore a suit
to, and obviously I didn't get the job. My mother was very quick to start regularly telling me that I just
wasn't qualified enough, I'd drastically overestimated my abilities, and I definitely needed to keep
going to school and graduate, which was why I wasn't able to get a job. I felt like something was
certainly off and I told her I was going to keep trying because I hadn't even been looking for very
long. She certainly wasn't happy about that.

It wasn't long before it became very obvious that my mother had a very real problem with me actually
having the prospect of getting a job and quitting school, and once she saw I was serious about it and
wasn't going to be manipulated by her, she wasted no time to make it very clear to me she had no
intention of allowing me to pursue the course of action I wanted to take. As I kept adamantly
searching for a job, within a very short period of time after she realized she couldn't manipulate me
into focusing on school and stopping my search for a full-time job, she caused an extreme amount of
conflict.

As I saw this happening, I realized that I could no longer accept her severely abusive behavior which
had now become very clearly blatantly malicious, and I knew I absolutely had to leave that
environment promptly. After she tried even involving one of my uncles to back her up and further
attempt to guilt and manipulate me into quitting my job search and focus on school, she started
becoming even more hostile, and I knew what I had to do. One day, when she called me downstairs
to "talk" once again, which really meant her yelling at me and harassing me for not giving her more
of my student loan money, of which she'd already fought with me to the point she'd managed to
manipulate me into giving her $1000 of, I decided enough was enough, and I told her I was calling
my father. She started getting angrier and defensive, trying multiple times to tell me "Before you call
that number, there's something you should know", but when I asked her what she was talking about,
she just told me I was going to regret it.

I knew there was definitely a possibility I'd regret it, but I also knew I'd regret sticking around in her
abusive environment and not even trying. I decided that after seeing what kind of a person my
mother truly is, my father would at least be a new experience, if not also a better one. She certainly
wasn't doing anything to make me not regret leaving, and so I very quickly realized that if I ended up
with unfortunate circumstances with my father, that just meant I was very unlucky to have a shitty
family regardless, and that if I was going to wallow in regret, I'd be regretting whatever decision I
made either way. Once I pretty quickly realized this, combined with the fact that she was just fucking
with me and trying to fear monger me into not contacting my father using no real rationality or
substance to her argumentation whatsoever, I eventually just told her to shut up, and I finally fully
dialed the number and waited on the dial tone for my father to pick up.

My father answered the phone pretty quickly. It wasn't really surprising to me, he was at work, and
he had to answer his phone promptly to make sure he wasn't missing out on potential orders. I
wasted no time telling him that I wanted to leave my mother and live with him, and he asked me
when I wanted him to pick me up. I told him right away, to which he told me he could drive over there
in less than an hour, and I said I'd finish packing my stuff and be ready to go by the time he arrived.

While my mother had remained silent during the phone call, she wouldn't shut up afterwards. She
followed me up the stairs and into my bedroom, yelling at me the whole time as I was packing up my
stuff. Of course, I wasn't having any of it and I was yelling back at her. I didn't really have any reason
to fight with her any longer except for personal satisfaction of getting my frustration with her out, so I
decided to yell extra loud and hard for once. Even seeing I very clearly was packing all my stuff and
appeared to have no intent to go back on my word to my father to leave with him was not a good
enough reason for this woman not to fight with me and leave me angry and frustrated with her to the
very last moment I ever had to deal with her. She'd always been a petty bitch, so I suppose it was
foolish of me to have any expectations of her to finally act mature at that point.

My father arrived within less than an hour like he'd said. He didn't even dare park in the front
driveway, which I knew was smart of him, because my mother probably would've called the cops on
him if he did. As soon as I saw his car, I started bringing my stuff downstairs to load into his car. I
didn't even have that much, so it didn't take long before all my stuff was out of the house and loaded
up.

As I left that hellish nightmare of an environment I called living with my mother for the last time, I
gave her one final "fuck you" and didn't look back. I got into the car with my father, and we drove off.
As he drove me back to his place, he asked me if I was hungry, to which I said I was, and we
stopped for some fast food. Within less than an hour, we were unloading my stuff from his car and
into his house.
Alternative

Upon initial arrival at my father's house, things seemed to be okay. Within a couple months, I
managed to identify that I wanted to use my programming abilities to make a game, and not just any
game, but the first ever truly multi-genre game. I threw together a core design document.

My father seemed mostly understanding, and even when I told him I was going to quit university
because I already had the knowledge and passion necessary to do so, he expressed his concern but
ultimately said he would allow me to do so as long as I could demonstrate clear progress and an
end-goal. I had no issues with this as I was not attempting to deceive him so those things were only
a natural consequence of my work.

The problems came though, as time went on. We had some very trivial arguments, and some not so
trivial ones. He forced me and my brother to appear in court to force my mother to give up at least
some of the RESP funds she would clearly no longer be entitled to if we were no longer living with
her, since she had previously claimed he was lying about us living with him. This money he kept for
himself, but I did not really have an issue with that since he was ultimately supporting me anyways.

Something really wasn't sitting quite right with me about why he was acting the way he was though,
as I was showing him proof of my working and would literally sit at home all day everyday, rarely
going out, and even when he came to talk to me or see what I was doing, I was pretty much almost
always working on making my ideas for the game a reality, primarily through programming. He would
say things like "you're doing nothing all day", even though that clearly was not the case and I had
proved it to him on a very rational level as I showed him the game's progress in development.

I was starting to see a stronger and stronger resemblance to abuse just like my mother had done to
me. But I had a goal, and I was determined not to let his fear, anger, jealousy, or whatever one might
want to argue it was to stop me from succeeding in life.

However, in life, there are many limits. Unfortunately, one day not very long after that court case was
settled, my father severely breached a very critical limit that I identified for myself. He irrationally
genuinely threatened to kill me for something completely beyond my control.
Issues

While I was always more of a thinker and proactive in using my thoughts to shape the objective
reality in a fashion that maximized the value I can bring to my own life and others' lives, my younger
brother (three years younger) was not nearly at quite a capacity of functioning.

As a result, when he ended up finishing high school, he didn't want to pursue a post-secondary
education while simultaneously essentially just playing games most of the day, and this
understandably upset my father. Eventually, one day, my brother just snapped, completely lashed
out at my father, and my father kicked him out.

Upon hearing the story from both sides, I came to the conclusion that this must have been what my
brother wanted, since even I could sympathize with and understand my father reacting the way he
did. So my brother left.

But as the days went by, my father was more and more persistent in telling me to try to convince my
brother to come back. Within not even a month, he was already doing it almost every single day, and
it was not a mere "tell your brother to come home, it's best for him".

It was more of a very emotionally manipulative harassment where he would essentially blame me for
all the shortcomings of my brother including him leaving itself. As you can imagine, this was very
exhausting to deal with, and within a short period of time, I was rendered completely unable to
continue developing my game in that environment.

Within about two months of my brother leaving and not giving any kind of response to my messages,
my father saw that merely asking my brother to come back would not be enough to get any kind of
response from him.

So he tried offering money. He told me to tell my brother he would give him money to simply have a
conversation with me in person, and explain what he's doing and why he's not coming back. So my
brother demands $2,000, my father says $500 is as far as he'll go, and my brother agrees.

My brother comes over and explains to me that he loves being homeless, much more than he
enjoyed living with our father. He didn't hate our father, but rather he enjoyed the excitement and
opportunities that living downtown brought. He had also applied for welfare, and the welfare office
had helped him land a job.

I was very happy for him and told him that since he is a legal adult, I understand and accept that it is
truly beyond my control whether he comes back or not.

However, it is worth noting that up until the conversation I had with my brother at that point, my
father was constantly putting all the blame on me, for things my brother did, my mother did, and
essentially many things beyond my control. He literally went as far as to say that my ability to even
function as a human being at all would be determined by if I was able to convince my brother to
come back or not.

I knew my father would not react positively if I merely told him what my brother had told me. He
would probably even accuse me of lying. So I told my brother to wait until my father got home from
work, and tell him the conclusion himself.

So my father comes home, and a gigantic storm arises as I had expected. Plenty of emotional abuse
and attempted manipulation flowing out of my father's mouth like the water flows through a river with
a fast current. He just kept going. He even went so far as to ask my brother if he even needs his
father anymore, and when my brother said no, my father said that he should give back the money he
was given then.

When my brother questioned why, and rightfully so since it was never a precondition that my brother
must come back in order to receive the money, my father very aggressively stated that it was
because it was "the way things have to work right, and if things don't work right, people's lives
become in danger". I took this as an indirect death threat to my brother, but I suppose it is open to
your interpretation.

Proceeding on, my father was still attempting to force my brother to come back. When I finally saw,
after many hours of arguing, that my brother would really not budge and the whole argument was a
huge shit storm going in circles with all of us only getting more and more stressed out, I finally had
enough.

I told my father, "Look, we both tried our best, but my brother is not coming back, and he is not
obliged to do so. You already even took away the $500 he realistically deserves to have, and since
he is a legal adult, we must both accept his decision. He's not coming back, and you should stop
stressing us all out by continuing to have a circular argument going nowhere. You told me my
abilities as a person can be judged by whether my brother comes back or not, but I know this is not
the case. What are you going to do, kill me over it?!"

Do you know what his response was? His expression remained sharp, his eyes flared, and I could
see the smirk clearly forming on his face. In a very serious tone, he responded. "Be careful."
Homeless

At this point, I took this as a very direct death threat. I literally immediately called him out on it and
questioned how he could even rationally argue my brother should come back despite literally just
hearing that. My father flat-out denied he had even made anything resembling a death threat
altogether. I told him very clearly at that point that everyone better hold up because at this point, I'm
even very seriously contemplating leaving with my brother.

My father, keys in hand, tightly gripping one pointed forward, aggressively walks right up to my face
and says "You're all talk, you won't do shit." My brother ended up leaving, but I decided to stay at
least a little longer.

However, I could not sleep. I was utterly mortified by what I had experienced. My father had
genuinely threatened to kill me over something completely insane and entirely beyond my control,
not in any way my fault. I had already made up my mind that I was going to pack up my things and
leave.

For the next 2 days, I could not sleep. When my father was gone for work, I would work as diligently
as I could to gather any and every belonging I had, pack it up, and prepare to leave. On the second
day, close to the time he was about to come home, I left.

After I left my father's house, that was the first time in my life that I became homeless. I'll admit, I
was quite scared at first. Luckily for me, my brother had already been homeless for a while, so I had
some information to work with already. As I was packing my things to leave, I had asked him where
the shelter he was staying at was and told him I was asking because I planned to go there as well.
He gave me an address and wished me good luck. The address was in downtown Toronto, so I took
the few coins I had on me for bus fare and made my way downtown.

When I arrived at the address he told me, I quickly learned that he had not given me the correct
address. I was carrying three heavy bags on me, because back then I still had a lot of attachment to
physical possessions and also wasn't experienced with being homeless, so I was quite lost as to
what to do at that point. I knew there was absolutely no way I was going back to my father's house,
so I started walking around downtown Toronto, pretty much aimlessly, trying to figure out what I was
going to do.

The bags I was carrying made it quite painful to move around, but somehow I still managed to walk
around for a few hours. Eventually, I ended up in a park. It was already night time at this point and I
was quite tired and didn't feel like continuing to walk around aimlessly anymore because my three
heavy bags had exhausted my shoulders, back, and feet. Just like that, I spent my first night ever
homeless nervously alternating between sitting down and pacing around at a park in downtown
Toronto all throughout the night, constantly watching my three heavy bags as I listened to music on
my phone to stay awake for the third night in a row without sleep at that point.

The next morning, I went back to the area around the address my brother had given me. I wasn't
sure exactly what I was going to do, but I sat down somewhere to think. I was quite sleep deprived at
this point, and I was fading in and out of consciousness, extremely nervous about getting my
possessions stolen.

As I sat there, after a while, a guy walks up to me and asks me if I'm homeless. I was instantly jerked
awake and told him I was, starting to look nervously at my positions to see if anything was missing.
Immediately he told me that he was friendly and had no intention to hurt me or take any of my
belongings. He asked me if I smoked, to which I said I did, and then he took out a cigarette and
handed it to me. I thanked him and gratefully took it, put it in my mouth, and lit it.

He took out another cigarette for himself and lit it. He asked me if it was okay if he sat beside me,
and I said okay. He proceeded to tell me that he was also homeless and staying at a shelter that
was just across the street from where I was sitting. He asked me if I planned to go there and I told
him that of course I did. I thanked him for letting me know about the shelter. He told me he was glad
to be able to help and that in that case, he would see me again soon, during the shelter's regular
reopening hours. I asked him what he meant, and he explained that the shelter closed during the
morning and early afternoon, to encourage the homeless people staying inside to find something
useful to do with their time.

I told him that I would go check into the shelter after I was done the cigarette, and he told me
everything was going to be fine and then went on his way.

As I was smoking the cigarette, I contemplated on why my brother had given me an address very
close to but not exactly that of the shelter. I very quickly realized that he was probably concerned
that it was some kind of manipulation I was playing into that my father was orchestrating to try to
figure out exactly where he's staying. I decided to forgive my brother for lying, and as I finished my
cigarette, I got up, grabbed all three of my bags, and started walking to the shelter.

I was a little confused at first as to where the entrance of the shelter was, because there didn't seem
to be any clear door to it. I entered the main door of the building I'd been told was the shelter, and
told the first staff member I saw there that I was looking to register to be in the shelter. I was
informed that the actual entrance to the shelter was through the secured side door further along the
front of the building I'd entered. I went back outside, walked further down along the length of the
building, and noticed that there was a buzzer beside a locked door that was part of the same
building.
I pressed the buzzer and a voice asked me what I wanted. I told the person over the speaker that I
was homeless and looking to stay at the shelter. The voice over the speaker told me to open the
door. Very shortly after, I heard a buzzing noise and pulled the door open and stepped inside.

In front of me were a few stairs and I walked up them, turned to my left, walked up a few more stairs,
and approached the secured front desk where the shelter staff for the day were seated. They
greeted me and asked me if the bags I was carrying were all my possessions. I told them that they
were. They asked me if I had any drugs or weapons in my possession. I said no.

The staff member at the front asked me if I had any identification. I asked if my health card was
enough, and after I was told that it was, I took my health card out and handed it to the staff member.
After taking a look at it briefly, he took out a few sheets of paper and started going through the rules
of the shelter outlined on the papers with me.

The contents of the papers was pretty simple, straightforward, and understandable. I was asked
about having any mental illness, being charged of any crimes, and if I had stayed at any other
shelters. After I had finished providing all the information necessary for the forms and was assigned
a bed, the door to my right opened and another staff member motioned me to come inside and take
my bags into a room within which they would be held until I returned later in the day during the hours
that the shelter reopened, after which I was told I'd have to put my belongings inside of my assigned
locker.

After I left my bags in the shelter, I exited back out onto the street and started wondering what I was
going to do with my time, since I obviously was no longer able to continue developing my game as
I'd been passionately doing for the past couple years at that point, and I felt quite at a loss as a
result. I didn't end up doing much except smoking a few more cigarettes and waiting for the shelter
to reopen.

I found my brother pretty easily after the shelter reopened.

Before I even asked, he confirmed to me what I'd assumed earlier about him lying about the address
due to worry my father was attempting to determine where he was staying. I made my way to my
room and checked out the bed I was assigned. There were eight other beds in the room, and every
bed except mine was a bunk bed. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack were all served every day for
free.

The first night I spent there was the only night I truly felt afraid. During the day after the shelter had
reopened, I pretty quickly talked to a bunch of other guys in my room and got to feel out their attitude
a little bit; they pretty much all seemed to be degenerates except for one dude, which I can't say was
surprising. As we lay in the dark in the room before we fell asleep, we were talking back and forth.
Naturally, since I was the new person in the room, they were talking to me mostly.

When I was asked what I spend my time doing, I mentioned that I was pretty good at programming.
One of the guys told me that I shouldn't be so quick to brag about my skills, quite clearly expressing
some jealousy. I responded that I wasn't bragging, simply sharing a little bit about myself, and that it
shouldn't be something to be jealous about that I have some programming skills, especially
considering I had still ended up in the shelter. He responded by telling me that I still shouldn't seem
so proud of my abilities. Honestly, I found this a little funny, so I let the fucker see a little bit of my
savage side. I told them that I know it's really not that much of a big deal if I'm better at him than
programming because it's not like it's going to make him so jealous he'd want to kill me over it.

That was the last thing anyone said that night.

I woke up the next morning feeling very refreshed and with a newfound sense of confidence in my
new environment. It certainly wasn't quite as cozy as a regular home, but it wasn't nearly so bad for
a lifestyle of being homeless, which I thought would be significantly worse. Free food, shower
facilities, a place to sleep at night... There was a lack of privacy and a sense of a lack of safety, but it
wasn't bad at all overall. Considering that I hadn't felt much of a true sense of privacy or safety under
the care of either of my considerably abusive parents, this wasn't really much of a difference to me,
and I was actually so relieved to be rid of them in my life that in a very real way it felt like an upgrade
compared to my old life, as strange as that may sound.

Literally the only thing that bothered me was that I no longer had a computer suitable for developing
my game, but I decided that was something I'd have to worry about later. I knew that I wanted to
apply for welfare, so I decided that the first thing I was going to do after breakfast and the shelter
closing for the morning was to go apply for welfare. I figured that I would find housing and be able to
leave the shelter within a couple days, and I could figure out what I was going to do about my
computer situation at that point, when I'd actually have a place I could set up and use a computer to
develop on in the first place.

I had breakfast at the shelter, then headed to the welfare office, which happened to be very close by.
After talking to the front desk and requesting to see a case worker, I waited for the worker to be
ready to see me, then stepped inside the meeting room with him. After being asked briefly about my
situation and to show some identification, I learned that while I can get the basic needs funds quite
quickly, the housing funds required me to have a birth certificate to further prove my identity.

Unfortunately, as I was packing my belongings to leave, I had noticed that my birth certificate was
mysteriously missing. I was hoping that it wouldn't be a problem, but apparently it was. My first time
being homeless ended up lasting over two months because of this, when it could've been only a few
days.

As to what happened to my birth certificate, well, I know I certainly didn't eat it. I can't imagine having
accidentally thrown it out. I'd looked high and low through every corner of my room and in every
drawer I had, and I was certain I hadn't left it behind due to carelessness. To this day, the only
conclusion I can reach is that my father stole it. I had happened to notice that it was missing a little
while before I ended up homeless, so I actually confronted my father about it.

Unsurprisingly, he flat out completely denied knowing anything about it or having gotten anywhere
near it.
Gang

When I first entered the shelter, one of the workers told me, upon seeing my newer, more expensive
phone, that better phones get stolen quite quickly around those parts. I didn't think much of it at the
time, but that proves to be quite the learning experience.

The very beginning of staying at the shelter was overall okay and actually a lot better than I'd
expected. The guy that had initially introduced me to the location of the shelter told me his name was
Paul, and he was a nice enough seeming guy; he even gave me cigarettes sometimes. I went
through the first few days without really encountering any problems and was still a little apprehensive
but felt like I could already understand why my brother felt pretty comfortable in this environment.
The first real sign of trouble began though, when one guy, calling himself CJ, asked me for a
cigarette one day as I was smoking out at the back of the shelter where people normally smoked
because it wasn't allowed inside.

I wasn't asked for cigarettes very often, so I generally just gave people one when they asked. After I
gave him one, he started striking up a conversation with me about wanting to quit smoking and how
he'd been smoking for a long time, asking me if I had any advice. I made the very stupid mistake of
being friendly towards him and trying to give him advice, still being quite naive to the ways of the
world and the streets at that point. At one point, he told me I had a nice phone, and he asked if he
could see it. I may the incredibly stupid mistake of actually letting him do so and handing it to him,
thinking he would simply take a look and innocently hand it back to me after a short amount of time.
He examined it, played around with it a little, but he didn't give it back. Thus began my journey
encountering one of the higher-ups in the Bloods gang.

Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, I started seeing a bunch of people in the shelter carrying
around red bandannas. Even a few of the guys from my room were caring red bandannas. We had
established somewhat of a friendly connection. I'd smoked weed with them and back then weed was
still illegal in Canada so when I asked if they knew where I could get some, one of them told me he
had a license to get it medically, and I gave him cash to buy it for me, which I ended up sharing with
him and a couple of the others. I straight-up asked them if they were Bloods, and they told me yeah
they're from the streets and basically they needed to join a gang so they joined the Bloods.

"I already got a lot of my boys in here," CJ told me. It was all so crazy to me. He was telling me how
they were going to wipe out the Crips in the area within the next couple weeks. One of the guys in
there told me that he used to be a Crip but left, and CJ confirmed it and told me that it was okay
because the guy had left them, otherwise he would've had a problem with him.
It just so happened that the day CJ took my phone, the following day I was scheduled to pick up my
new birth certificate, so I could finally start applying for housing. Unfortunately, CJ had my phone,
and I really wanted to get it back, especially since I had spent nearly $1,000 on it quite recently at
that point. I told him I needed to get my phone back and I had to go pick up my birth certificate, but
he told me to do it later and come instead with him to see a place he hung out.

At that point, he was still telling me I'd get my phone back soon if I listened and came with him to
where he wanted to take me, so it seemed like a difficult decision; if I could go back and give myself
advice, I would've told myself the phone was already lost and that going where he wanted me to was
entirely not worth it. I really didn't want to miss getting my birth certificate, but I figured it couldn't
have been that much of a delay if I just went and saw where CJ wanted to take me, and I really
wanted my phone back, so I decided to listen to him; this turned out to be a tremendous waste of
time, at least as far as my endeavor of getting my phone back.

After a bus ride, we took a little walk and reached the destination he wanted to bring me to, a place
that seemed to be some form of a recreational area. When we got there, the first thing he did was
bring me into the computer room, open up a little flash game on some website, played for a little
while, and then proceed to claim to me that he made the game himself. Naturally, I was quite in
disbelief, considering that he certainly didn't seem like the programmer type. I asked him a few
questions about how he made the game, and unsurprisingly, he didn't really give me any straight
answers. I was quite certain that he didn't actually make the game, but I pretended to believe he did;
I just wanted my phone back.

Afterwards, he brought me to the pool table in a separate area of the building, where I met his, as he
said, street dad. It was certainly an older man, and he was also homeless. CJ told me this man was
a high-up in the gang as well. CJ played pool with a man for a while, and at one point, he even made
me quite uncomfortable by randomly asking me if I was looking at his ass. As I'm not into men, I
obviously wasn't, but considering how many homosexual men were at that shelter, I can't say I was
too surprised that CJ appeared to be one of them with him asking that.

After that miserable experience was over, me and CJ left the building. I'd already asked him a few
times at this point if I could have my phone back, but he quite clearly didn't seem to have any
intention of actually giving it back to me. The rest of the day went by, I didn't get my phone back, and
I spent that night wondering what I was going to do about my birth certificate.

The next morning, CJ approached me and told me that he had managed to accidentally knock his
street dad's phone, of exactly the same brand as my phone he had held hostage this far, off a
handrail of a staircase while he was drunk, and now his street dad was very angry at him and
demanded that he get him a replacement phone. The story sounded quite suspicious and I didn't
really believe it at all. CJ told me that his street dad would literally kill him if he didn't get the phone
for his dad, and he told me he had no way to do so other than to give his street dad my phone.

I told him that I felt sorry for him naturally, but that he had fucked up of his own accord, and that I just
wanted my phone and it wasn't my problem what he did with his life. Initially, he sort of seemed to
accept this answer, but after a while, he came back and told me that his street dad was now telling
him that he would kill both CJ and myself if I didn't hand over my phone.

At this point, I started to realize that I had lost that $1,000 phone to a gang leader in a homeless
shelter. I tried telling CJ that I didn't stay around any shady areas, and that I wasn't going to get
simply shot or stabbed in broad daylight and a public space with a lot of people. CJ basically told me
I was retarded and that he would shoot me in broad daylight in the middle of a mall himself if he had
to. Honestly, after hearing this, I realized what I had said was actually quite indeed stupid.

Reluctantly, I agreed to hand over my phone into his possession permanently, but I asked him if I
could at least move over my personal files from the phone before he took it. He seemed quite happy,
and he agreed to let me move over my files before he took the phone permanently.

After he took my phone, he left the shelter and didn't return for the night. He never returned for the
entire duration that I remained there. All the people I saw had red bandanas on them no longer had
any around. I tried asking the "friends" from my room that I had, as well as a couple of the guys I had
seen with red bandanas that I sort of knew because I'd given them cigarettes and had a couple
conversations with them, and every single one of these people flat out denied being part of a gang or
in any way being associated with the Bloods.

Many days went by, and I was surprised how quickly I was able to accept my loss and simply remain
focused on the future. It was interesting though that one day, I saw CJ's street dad hanging around
outside the shelter one day as I was smoking a cigarette. He came up to me and asked me if he
could have a cigarette, so I gave him one. We talked for a while and I asked him if he'd gotten my
phone from CJ, explaining that CJ had told me about how he'd broken his phone.

He told me that he hadn't, and that he hadn't seen CJ in a while in general, telling me that he moves
around a lot and probably wasn't even in the area. He seemed quite carefree about it for someone
who had apparently threatened to kill CJ if he didn't get him a replacement phone, and this only
confirmed my suspicion that CJ had simply made that up as an excuse to steal my phone with
greater ease. He asked me if I was angry at CJ and planned to take some kind of revenge, perhaps
beating him up or something.

I told him I was over it and I had bigger things I was focused on in life, to which he seemed happy to
hear.
Waiting

Very early on when I enter the shelter, one of the guys I talked to was named Darren. He was very
open about being gay and didn't make it any secret that he regularly used multiple different drugs.
He also seemed not to have much hesitation at all about admitting to me the same day I met him
that he has hepatitis C. Although he didn't unnecessarily seem like the greatest friend to have, he
certainly appeared to be a better option than most of the other people at the shelter who simply
seemed to be degenerates that would spend most of their time smoking weed and doing petty theft
and perhaps other crimes and possibly even other drugs.

He went to University to become a doctor, but he'd kind of messed his life up because he got
addicted to pain medication and ended up ruining his relationship with his family and I guess either
becoming too distracted to want to put sufficient effort in school or simply not even really being
capable of focusing enough in general due to excessive drug use and addiction.

During the nearly three months that I spent homeless during my very first experience being
homeless, I spent far more time with Darren than with any other person from the shelter. He seemed
like an interesting character, and he didn't seem like a very bad person to me, at least for the most
part while I was still his friend. I had a few discussions with him about medical field related things
and he always seemed quite pleasantly surprised by my knowledge and interest in medicine that
clearly stemmed from an intellectual standpoint and not merely the desire to consume several drugs
recreationally to get high.

Early on, one of the conversations I had with him where he demonstrated his medical knowledge
was one where he introduced me to the DSM-5, which is the current major book that holds a lot of
information about medical standards for a lot of mental illnesses spanning a wide range of diagnostic
criteria. He used the DSM-5 to evaluate me and ended up diagnosing me primarily with generalized
anxiety disorder and family developmental problems.

He actually typed up and printed out a whole diagnosis sheet with a rating and everything on it. He
even signed it. I still have that piece of paper to this day.

He acknowledged that he had his own issues and I didn't at all feel as though he was trying to bully
me or insult me in any way, so I merely found it interesting that I finally had some formally accepted
criteria that I could use to be able to actually evaluate my mental state. I've never actually been to a
therapist or doctor before for any kind of real mental evaluation and didn't really know if I actually
met the clinical criteria for any diagnosable mental illnesses.

The comfort that knowing that I clinically had validation that I was in a mentally distressed state that
was formally accepted as a hindrance to my ability to function properly in society and that the abuse
my parents had inflicted upon me truly had a negative impact on my life that was very clearly
objectively quantifiable empowered me and made me feel a certain sense of peace that I had not
had in the past. This quickly caused me to see Darren even more favorably than anyone else in the
shelter due to his intellectual and seemingly kind nature.

Throughout the time that I was homeless, I went on several I guess you could say adventures with
Darren, and they were usually at least somewhat interesting to say the least. I witnessed him
robbing a grocery store. I went with him to a couple clinics and pharmacies where he manipulated
the doctors and pharmacists into giving him drugs. He told me about some of the details that he
used from his medical knowledge in order to manipulate these systems, which I knew I didn't plan to
use myself but found interesting nonetheless.

He gave me drugs on multiple occasions, sometimes for free and sometimes I'd pay him. I actually
got to try a few new drugs in my life thanks to him, namely Adderall and Xanax. It was concerning to
me how he was considerably careless with his possessions, and at one point he even gave me his
phone worth several hundred dollars and seemed to have forgotten about it entirely, which I could
have used as an opportunity knowing his tendency to have memory loss due to his excessive
benzodiazepine usage as an opportunity to rob him of the phone, and I didn't have a phone at the
time so it would have certainly been useful to me to do so, but I always remained a good friend to
him and never took advantage of him even in such an opportunity. I reminded him about it and gave
him back the phone within less than two hours.

It's actually my friendship with him in the past that gives me the most solid evidence that I'm truly not
sexually or romantically attracted to men, and that's because he was actually not at all a bad looking
guy, in fact he was actually seen as so good looking by other people including many gay men that
he very regularly had sex with other guys in the shelter system that were homeless, and he actually
very clearly although without explicitly saying so had expressed to me that he wanted to have sex
with me and I very easily could have dated him and had sex with him multiple times if I so desired,
but it never even once for even a moment held any interest nor appeal for me and I knew very
clearly with complete certainty that I only ever wanted to be friends with him right from the very
beginning of our connection, and that's all we ever were.

Although things seemed all fine and as if having a friendship with him was probably the most positive
highlight of my homeless experience because it was easily the most fun and interesting part, it
actually turned into easily one of the most disturbing human connections I've ever had the misfortune
of experiencing in my entire life, towards the end of that period of me being homeless. Since me and
Darren were friends that talked nearly every day, naturally I told him when my birth certificate had
came in and I was starting to look for a place. I knew ahead of time when I was going to move in
because I found a place and agreed with the landlord to move in less than two weeks before it
actually happened, which I naturally ended up telling Darren about excitedly.

I told him that we would still be friends because he'd given me a lot of fun times and interesting
memories and that I simply had direction in my life and didn't want to continue being homeless as a
lifestyle and that's why I wanted to move. It was simply the honest truth that I had never concealed
throughout any point of my friendship with him. I'd already told him before that I believed in him and
that he could turn his life around, and I mentioned it again. He seemed sad and expressed that he
thought it was the end of our friendship instantly, but he didn't fight with me or seem really angry,
and I saw his reaction as very understandable.

Unfortunately, the thoughts he was having behind that reaction must've been a lot darker than I
anticipated, and while I suppose I can still understand why someone in his position would've thought
what he did and take the actions that he did, that certainly doesn't make them any less unacceptable
and morally bankrupt. One day while we were hanging out, we were just casually talking and he
happened to cut himself while he was shaving. We were both in the washroom with people coming
in and out, because he wanted to be able to keep talking to me while he was shaving so he told me
to come into the washroom with him, and I knew I had a much bigger and more muscular build than
him so things like that didn't concern me because I knew he couldn't try to rape me alone even if he
wanted to. It was also the washroom in the shelter near the staff room, so I knew it was already very
unlikely I was in any danger from that aspect alone, and at that point I'd also already clearly
expressed to him after having sex more than once with a female prostitute that I was clearly into
women, so I knew that he wasn't going to try to pressure me to do anything sexual with him. I was
bored otherwise and saw no real problem with chilling there to talk to him.

After cutting himself, he turned around and said he was going to go get a band-aid. It obviously
wasn't a super serious injury, but he was bleeding more than an average small cut while shaving. It
seemed unusual and I was a little concerned, so I asked him if he was okay and he assured me he
was fine and just needed to get some toilet paper to wipe off the blood and then get a band-aid from
staff to cover the cut. He turned to go get some toilet paper from a roll in order to wipe the blood off,
but suddenly as I was looking in the mirror contemplating if I should shave my own face, he suddenly
cut me on the arm with the razor blade and gripped my arm covering the bleeding cut with his hand
that had his blood on it from his face. I saw him do this through the mirror and I asked him what the
fuck he was doing because it was disgusting and he basically just apologized and told me it was an
accident and that he would get me some paper towels for my cut as well. I went to the sink and
instantly tried to wash the cut because I was concerned, but I also knew that there wasn't anything I
could do at that point and I was really a lot more upset that it seemed quite clear he'd very
intentionally given me hepatitis C.
At that point, I suspected and was really worried about Darren having given me his hepatitis C, but
he had told me that he had gotten tested and he appeared to be one of the fortunate one in four
people that spontaneously recover from it, so I held on to the belief that he hadn't simply been
dangerously careless or more likely than not very intentionally malicious, and although I felt a lot
more hesitant to talk to him and be warm to him, I still didn't decide to completely cut off our
friendship initially.

That, however, didn't last a very long.

The next day, Darren approached me and told me I had hepatitis C and that he had given it to me.
Violence has never been my style, and besides, we were in the shelter and I didn't want to get
kicked out. I also already was well aware that if I had it, I had it, and no amount of yelling at Darren
was going to take it away. I knew I had to stay calm and cool and I also figured that he wanted
satisfaction out of seeing me get upset and hurt him, and I didn't want to give that to him. He told me
that he lied about being tested again more recently and being one of the fortunate people to recover
spontaneously. I simply looked at him with a stern expression and told him never speak to me again.
I turned away and walked away from him.

That was the last time I ever talked to Darren.

Moving

Since I missed my original pick up date for my birth certificate, I had to schedule a new one. I went to
the building for it and arranged for it. I had to wait an additional month, but eventually, I got it.

After I got my birth certificate, I instantly wanted to start looking for a place. I immediately went and
informed the housing worker that I was now able to get my housing funds because I had all the
necessary identification. She informed me that I should start looking for a place and once I found
some places she would help me get settled in, but she also told me she knew someone that had a
room available for a good price and asked me if I was interested in checking it out. I figured I didn't
have any reason not to, so I told her I was. She made a call, and after confirming with the landlord
that it was okay, she told me the address, gave me bus fare, and told me she'd meet me there.

After over an hour and a half of traveling, I arrived. The housing worker arrived shortly after, and
then we made our way into the house. She showed me the room, but it actually still needed some
work because it was only an open space at that time which needed walls and an entrance door built
before it was inhabitable, which she told me would mean it'd only be available the following month at
the earliest, and it also lacked a window. I didn't mind the lack of window very much, but I told her I
didn't want to wait and have to be homeless for an additional entire month, so I decided to look for a
place on my own, and I took the bus back downtown to go to the library and look for places. I spent
the rest of that day looking through housing listings online on my laptop at the library and came back
to the shelter for dinner.

The following day, I informed the housing worker and she told me to stay until after everyone else
left so we could figure things out. After everyone left, we went into her office and she asked me to
take out the numbers for the locations I'd picked. I took out my laptop and opened up the pages for
all the places I was looking at the previous day, then she started calling. The first few places I'd
picked either didn't answer or didn't accept welfare. Eventually though, one of the places that she
called answered the phone and confirmed they accepted welfare, so the housing worker arranged to
meet them and she gave me bus tokens and told me to meet her at the location once again.

We arrived at the location. The person that had been on the phone with us earlier met us, took us
downstairs, and showed us the room. It was a basement room and there were three other rooms
with three other guys in them. I didn't meet any of them that day, but I didn't really care. I liked the
room and I was mostly just hyped to finally get a place and everything looked good so I told him that
everything looked good and I was down to move in ASAP. All that was left was to give him the form
he had to fill out for the welfare office so I could get the housing funds to pay rent.
We gave him that form, but he wasn't able to complete it on the spot because he actually wasn't the
landlord, he was landlord's son, so he had to get the signature from his father in order to complete
the form before being able to submit it. After we learned that, the housing worker told him that he
could fax it upon completion, to which he said he could do, and then we left.

His father would usually only come around the area on the weekends, so it took a few days before
he could get the form signed, but eventually not too long after we met, he got the form signed and
faxed it over. All the paperwork went through and I got the funds necessary for the first and last
month to move into the place. I moved in to the room at an awkward time during the month, and I
actually got to live there for a couple days for free just because of the timing of it all. After I arrived,
the landlord's other son greeted me because the son I'd originally talked to was busy at work, and
that dude told me the Wi-Fi password, collected the money, and then I had the room to myself.

I was finally living on my own for the first time in my life. When I briefly thought back to how trapped,
suffocated, and stressed out I felt having to deal with living around my parents and realized I now
finally had my own place and didn't have to deal with that shit anymore, I felt fucking great.

Back when I was homeless and living at the shelter, I was getting free food and housing, so I
wouldn't really spend any of the money I was getting from welfare. Now that I finally got my first own
place, I decided that I wanted to celebrate. I went and bought some alcohol and some snacks and
started to basically party. After I got home from buying the goods, I took out my laptop and started
chilling, browsing the internet, going on YouTube, playing games, and just trying to actually relax for
the first time in a long time. I felt exhausted after being homeless for over two months when I'd
originally thought that I'd only be homeless for a few days at most.

It was a very welcome change for me with the very notably drastically lowered stress levels. At first, I
thought I would just go right back to developing my game that I had been working on for the past
couple years at that point already. I tried getting into it again, but at that point I started feeling
considerably unmotivated to keep working on it. I thought back to how I'd been through so much
abuse because of my parents, which had culminated in being abandoned to the streets and
suddenly losing all development momentum, having to wait almost three months before I could even
possibly find it viable to start up again, and I realized I needed to take some time to step back and do
deep introspection and reflect on the impact that all the trauma I'd had to deal with had on me.
Before long, I started to gravitate more towards philosophical and psychological contemplation as
opposed to game development.

I reflected a lot on my past traumas.

I thought about all the abusive experiences that I've had to deal with when dealing with both of my
parents and I let the anger flow through me. I wrote sometimes to let the steam out. A few months
went by this way, and for quite some time I felt like I wasn't really making any progress with my life
and I started to worry about if I'll ever really get over all the bullshit I've had to deal with in my life.

One day though, as I was thinking about everything, it just kind of hit me. Bidirectional apprehension.
It was something I'd never heard another person speak in my life, but I realized that all my
contemplation and my deep introspection led me to this concept. I could sense an even greater
depth in the topic than that which I was immediately aware of upon the initial discovery. I
immediately realized that I had come across a field that seemed to be neither directly psychology nor
directly philosophy but instead was a hybrid, a field best suited to a name entirely of its own that had
not been established yet.

Philopsychology was what I decided was the most appropriate thing to call it. For the more
technically inclined, it can also be referred to as philopsychological analysis.

I was very excited upon initially making this discovery. I felt like a new chapter in my life had began. I
no longer felt simply like a bruised weak pathetic victim of my unfortunate life circumstances, and
instead I started to feel like I finally was starting to get some of the rewards that I deserved in my life
for overcoming all the hardships that I had.

Not very long after that, I got to see some crazy Illuminati shit and became a Permanent Chief of the
Shadow Confederation.
Chances

After realizing how powerful I now had become, I figured I should try giving my father one more
chance to show a different side of him, one he hopefully had, where he was an actually loving
person. One final opportunity to prove to me that he wasn't the piece of complete shit I thought he
was from his actions thus far. Instead of just scaring him and telling him he's fucked straight up in the
future no matter what he does, I decided to contact him and tell him about my newfound power and
that if he helped support me once again with food and shelter, I'd be able to have an easier time
making something of myself, and I had something to show for it already to prove what I was saying.

What happened was after I first left my father's house because he threatened to kill me, he sent me
some emails trying to get me to come back. At that point, I knew I never intended to see him ever
again and I was so sick of his abuse and bullshit that I literally told him to fuck off and drink bleach.
He kept bothering me so I argued with him for a few more pretty short messages and unsurprisingly
his attitude didn't change. I ended it by basically telling him that there was no way I was coming back
after he threatened to kill me and especially after he denied it right after, that I was cutting him out of
my life and never wished to hear from or speak to him ever again, and that he shouldn't have his
hopes up for my brother coming back either.

Several months went by and even the new year came, and I wasn't bothered by my father for quite
some time. Eventually however, he once again started sending me emails. He contacted me with no
apology or anything, literally just casually asked me to tell my brother to call him. I told him to stop
talking to me, but he kept spamming me. I had to tell him that I now knew gang members and
murderers and that I'd pay them to hurt him if he didn't stop bothering me, before he finally shut up
and left me alone.

It actually wasn't too long after that when I became a member of the Shadow Confederation and
decided to see if giving my father a final chance to change could be worth it. Since I now had a
considerably strong position, I knew I didn't have to be nearly so afraid of being killed or physically
harmed by him, as I'd be able to enter into any further contact with him notifying him that he'd be
killed if he harmed me. Additionally, I was in a position of power such that if there was any possibility
of being respected and treated properly by him, it was now or never. I called him up and told him I
wanted to talk.

He met me the same day.

He wanted to pick me up at my house, but I told him to pick me up at an intersection not too far away
instead, because I obviously didn't trust him, and he accepted. He picked me up and took me to his
office to talk. I showed him my website at that point with the papers I'd already written at that point,
explaining to him about bidirectional apprehension as a core value and the Shadow Confederation
that I was now a part of. I read some of it out to him, to which he pretty quickly just told me to stop
because he couldn't even really understand the complex language and he could see where I was
going with it that there was clearly depth and meaning in what I said and that I actually achieved
something with myself during the time that I had distanced myself from him.

Regardless, he was still extremely disrespectful to me.

He started being abusive and bullying me just like he had in the past, as if I literally hadn't changed
at all, even after all the things I'd presented to him and discussed just in that interaction. He was
extremely rude and basically talked to me as if I had just pissed my life away the whole time I had
distanced myself from him and I was no different from the person that I had been when I left his
house and pushed him away so many months prior after he threatened to kill me. I was absolutely
livid.

I straight up told him that he's a stupid piece of shit and that I was done with him and felt I was very
clearly wasting my time with any further interaction with him at that point. I asked him to simply drop
me off back at the intersection he picked me up at, otherwise I'd walk, and that he can deal with
whatever's in his future past that point. He had threatened to kill me because I couldn't convince my
brother to return to his abusive environment, so I had no issue letting him know that the Shadow
Confederation was not going to look at him favorably with his shitty attitude and severe reluctance to
give me the respect I deserved in my position.

I reminded him that I was now a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation and that he'd do
best not to waste my time any further, as his life was already at considerable risk with the attitude he
was giving me. He was also angry, obviously because it had become clear his manipulation and
bullying wasn't working, so he agreed to just drive me back to the intersection and drop me off there.
I thought that was the last I'd ever have to talk to him.

To my surprise, the next day, he called me and left voicemail. He told me that he had thought about
it and he realized that he could die at any moment. He literally included that someone could crash
into his car and kill him and make it look like an accident and that after he thought about it, he
realized that life was too short and he wanted to help support me. I was left under the impression
that he was planning to be more respectful to me and my position, so I decided to call him back and
give him an opportunity to provide food and shelter for me once again.

Just like the first time I lived with him, at the beginning, things seemed pretty good.

He definitely at least seemed to have more respect towards me and treated me with the awareness
that I wasn't the same moron that he abusively threatened to kill many months prior, and he actually
even quite quickly spent a couple thousand to buy me a more expensive PC rig for my game
development. At that point, I was on the most expensive computer setup I'd ever had in my life by far
and I was back in a much bigger house with better access to food and no longer had to worry about
my day to day survival.

Basically, I was in a really good position to start working on my game development once again.

Now, I did truly have every intention to continue game development work full-force, I did start
working on it once again, however I continued to think about my newfound knowledge on a daily
basis and I figured that if I had managed to influence my father in the way that I had with the
knowledge that I had gained, that perhaps I could do more with it than just that, opening up other
opportunities for myself on top of my game development endeavors.
Expanding

I thought about it, and after not too long, I realized that there wasn't really much that I deeply wanted
nor many people I wanted to reach out to. I wanted really badly to have a girlfriend and a meaningful
love-filled relationship with a woman I found very attractive. I basically immediately considered any
woman in my past completely nonviable as a romantic partner, because I just considered them a
part of my past and figured that I should move on with my life and they most likely already long had,
and on top of that none of them were the dreamy person I was looking for.

I already knew about Twitch at that point, and basically I decided to take it a little slower with game
development and spend some time daily looking around more and seeing how I'd end up developing
my interactions and connections with people.

I already knew about Kimi at that point, and I decided I now had a solid enough foundation in my life
and the sufficient confidence to start becoming an active part of her community. I started talking in
her stream chat regularly. I also talked to a bunch of other girls at first, but Kimi was the only one
that was really receptive and I also thought she was the most attractive and appealing of all the other
girls so I pursued being a part of her community will all my focus and effort I was putting into my
romantic endeavors and basically I decided that I would slow down on my game development in
order to pursue my main goal and in fact my goal that was more important than game development,
the reason why I was doing game development and chasing fame and fortune in the first place, to
find the girl of my dreams. A very attractive woman that I felt I really clicked with that likes games like
me, and I figured that Twitch was the best place for that because it was a platform for gamers.

Kimi was the most attractive woman I'd ever encountered in my life, and I felt like our personalities
clicked right from the beginning, amazingly enough, so I was very quickly drawn to her and she
started taking more and more of my time and attention. As I kept becoming further involved and
invested in Kimi's life, I further slowed down on my game development in order to pursue her as best
as I could. To my surprise, this worked out very well, and that's when my history with Kimi started.
She met me within less than a month after I subscribed to her, and basically that's where our love
story really started going strong.

The very same day that I moved back in with my father, he'd actually told me to contact my brother
and encourage him to come back as well. I was reluctant and didn't do so at first, but he kept
insisting and I figured in the end that throwing it out there as a suggestion couldn't hurt. I talked to
my brother and within not too long my brother also ended up coming back and so because of me my
brother now was being supported by my father once again as well. Although he was living much
more comfortably once again because of me, it didn't stop him from judging me for my methods and
threatening my father's life with the Shadow Confederation and all that, but he didn't complain much
after I reminded him that he was living much more comfortably once again because of me.

Not very long after we both came back to living with our father, he sold his house and moved to a
new one he'd bought quite some time back that had recently been finished being built to the point it
was inhabitable. The new circumstances were pretty nice in the beginning, I had considerably more
comfort to allow me to pursue Kimi with all of my efforts every day, and I put a lot of effort into that,
while also working here and there on game development and also website development.

Although I'd work on other things sometimes, I found that I'd pretty quickly started thinking about
Kimi a lot after starting to talk to her, especially after I met her in person. I actually pretty quickly
started making her basically the focal point of my life and not so much that I would necessarily
shower her with attention and affection, at least not for a good part of the beginning of our
relationship, but I would think about her almost all the time and I'd think about how I should interact
with her and how I could get closer to her. I'd dream about getting to date her in the future and think
about my ideal future prospects with her in my life.

My brother was in a better position than he'd been when he first left my father's house as well. He'd
been writing a book and had finished and sold several copies of it, and had saved up some money.
He was still pretty lost in his life as far as future goals and prospects go, which would result in my
father continuing to nag him, but I'd just stay out of it and it didn't really become a problem for me.

Although my father was more respectful to me at first, as time passed, he gradually but after not very
long started being disrespectful towards my work once again.

Although I was spending a lot of time pursuing Kimi, I was still making progress on my game
development as well, but my father didn't even care to look and simply found it as not enough. He
started to disregard the significance of my position as Permanent Chief of the Shadow
Confederation more and more. Before very long, he started full-on criticizing me for not having
formal employment and demanding that I start paying for my own food, telling me that if I wasn't
going to work a formal job then I wasn't allowed to eat any of the food in the house. He didn't state
any consequences for doing so, but if I simply ignored his demand, he'd come home from work and
be abusively starting fights over it every single day.

He started stressing me out with his abusive disrespect far too much for me to find it viable to remain
in that environment.
Father

I gave it a few days at first when my father would fight with me over me eating the food at home, to
see if he'd see reason and stop. I kept reminding him the reason I was there in the first place, and
that I was very clearly working towards tangible goals to start making money in the future, even
though I didn't yet have a consistent revenue stream. I decided that instead of leaving outright, since
the whole point was that I was giving him a chance, I'd make sure I was truly giving him the best
chance I could before finalizing my position and deciding never to look back.

After about a week passed and I saw he was still fighting with me literally daily and he had no intent
to see reason, I decided I had to leave again and do whatever it took to make something of myself
without any proper help from my father. He'd literally complain to me that even if I ended up great, it
was only "on his shoulders" instead of all by myself with no help whatsoever, clearly very upset that I
ever expected to deserve even that much from him. He seemed to want to make it very clear to me
that he had no intention to ever be a good, kind, loving, helpful father to me, so I decided I'd give him
what he wanted and let him firmly establish his place in my life as an abusive piece of shit
psychopath.

I decided I was going to be homeless again this time. I had been homeless before, so I was more
prepared and I didn't pack three huge bags for myself. I took a few days to sort through all my
belongings and really pick only more important things. I wasn't feeling terrified for my life like the
previous time, so I took a little longer than the previous time, but within less than a week I was ready
to leave. I told my brother about it the day before I decided to do it; we smoked some weed and
talked it over a little but he understood why I was doing it.

I explained to him that it was what I had to do because I wasn't being respected. I had to be able to
eat my food in peace and I didn't want to deal with the constant fights that hindered at my ability to
do what I needed to do every day. At that point, I was both working through my relationship with Kimi
as well as my game development endeavors that I still hadn't fully put on hold for Kimi yet, so the
added stress from fighting stupid fights I should've never had to go through was simply too much.

I woke up the following morning ready to leave. I was the only one home because my father went to
work and my brother was gone downtown. As I went downstairs to eat some food before I left, I
noticed a note on the door. I went up to it and read it. My father had basically left a note saying that
he loved me and it was my decision if I wanted to leave; it looked like my brother had informed him I
was intending to leave, even though I told him not to.

I knew it was a complete lie and he certainly didn't act in any way truly congruent with his claim; I
was originally planning to simply pick up my bags and leave, but reading that message made me
genuinely upset that he was now trying to even manipulate me into sticking around so he could keep
being abusive. I decided I was going to do some damage and fuck the inside of the house up before
I left.

I spent a good while doing so. Threw all kinds of picture frames around and smashed them to
pieces, destroyed the TV, took all the eggs in the fridge and threw them all over the walls of the
house, literally took everything in the fridge and freezer and opened it and threw it around the house.
I even took body wash and spilled it all across the floor. At the end, I wrote a nice "fuck you"
message right on the wall near the entrance, opened my father's laptop and started playing NF's
"Green Lights" on loop, took a video of all the chaos that I still have to this day, picked up my bags
and left. I closed the door behind me but left it unlocked as I'd intentionally left my key inside; I
wanted him to know I was never coming back.

My brother later informed me that my father wasn't pressing charges.

"That's right," I told him, "That bastard better not think of causing me any more problems if he
doesn't want problems with the Shadow Confederation."

I also learned that his insurance actually allowed him to get a new TV and fix up his house, and in
the end, he basically ended up in a better position than if I hadn't trashed the place. Interesting how
that worked out so well for him; it almost looks like he'd thought about it long ahead of time and
intended for it to happen, doesn't it?
Solidification

Thus began my journey being homeless once again.

I went from place to place a few times before I decided to settle on being homeless as my intentional
lifestyle. I initially ended up homeless for about a week. I mostly hung around a library and simply
didn't shower or eat. I focused on finding a place and managed to get one; I stayed there for a few
months.

Initially, I was thinking of continuing to work on game development, but I'd been reflecting a lot
during that week of homelessness and I quickly realized that Kimi meant so much to me that my
game development endeavors felt futile without her in my life. I stuck around that place for a few
months, but as my connection with Kimi progressed, my caring for anything else in life diminished. I
reached the point where I was so upset at her mixed signals that I decided I was going to fly to LA to
meet Ice Poseidon and stream snipe him (I'd learned his address from a member of his Discord
server) and it seemed like perfect timing since my lease was running out anyways.

My lease ran out and I was back on the streets as I was finalizing my plan to visit LA on my mission
to stream snipe Ice and expose Kimi's connection with me. It was quite an experience. After I got
back, I decided to try getting a place one more time for a while to see how my connection with Kimi
would further develop. It was during this time that I wrote The International Ultimatum. After I saw
that it wasn't sufficient to get the kind of response from Kimi I wanted, I decided to give up on having
a place entirely and simply resign myself to being homeless to allow myself to really start preparing
for the isolation that was starting to seem more and more certain already would end up happening at
the end of the year.

I adapted my habits and behavior to suit my environment and found the right places for internet,
electricity, showering, washing my clothes, and sleeping. After having experienced being homeless
multiple times in the past already, I was travelling with just the right amount of things I needed to
maintain a decent enough appearance and also function to keep up with progressing my connection
with Kimi and figuring out what I was going to do with my time while I waited. I reflected deeply on
my life very intensely once more and came up with the idea to write this book.

As I wrote this book more and more, I remembered back to the final contact I had with my brother,
where he'd told me my father was offering to give me money, to which I'd shot him down. I realized
that in order to have a fully comprehensive view of the kind of person my father really was and be
able to be honest about it, I needed to contact him once more to confirm his real intentions in having
done so. I contacted my father once again about the time he offered to give me money. I told him
about the book I was writing and told him that if he was willing to give me money, I could use it for
both food as well as funding to publish paper copies of my book that I was planning to give away
before I went into isolation.

He gave me some bullshit about not having any to give and living solely off pension, although I knew
that his mortgage was paid off and he'd sold his business building for over $300,000 which must've
been sitting in his bank account. He still denied having any money to spare. I told him he should
show me a bank statement for all his accounts to prove it then, to which he obviously immediately
declined without even thinking about it. I told him he hadn't changed and I knew he was full of shit,
but thanked him for proving it so I could write it in my book, and told him never to call me or try to
talk to me ever again. I hung up. I never talked to him again and have absolutely no desire to.
Purity

Because of all the trauma I suffered throughout my life, I subconsciously fundamentally believed that
logic was the only way to remain grounded and in tune with the reality around you, however at the
same time emotionally felt unsettled that it might never be enough.

This, I have come to realize, was largely a result of all my past experiences where no matter how
rational I had been with my parents, they always found some emotionally abusive way to traumatize
me further, fundamentally strengthening the subconscious belief I had ended up forming that despite
logic being the best way to align yourself with reality in an unbounded fashion, it still had some form
of inconceivable bound that nobody could ever overcome.

This living in perpetual fear of existence became my reality and my identity. Upon understanding
this, I felt liberated from that fundamental, subconsciously rooted fear. One may attempt to argue
that I should be grateful my parents were so abusive, since it led to me having a much greater
mental fortitude and emotional resilience, however they couldn't have been treating me the way that
they did while knowing that I could and would overcome it, and I would've ended up in a much worse
situation, probably either dead or close to it already by now, had I not managed to somehow just
barely hang on to hope that things would eventually change for me and have the strength and
willpower to see that hope through consistently.

Even still, that hope has become only more of a curse in and of itself, as even as I'm writing this
book, I'm finding it harder every day to see any good reason to remain hopeful for any positive
outcome in my life.

Nowadays, my friends are my family. The fact that I don't seem to have any real friends either makes
it very clear to me that if things are as they seem, nothing would bring me greater satisfaction than
extending the undying pure hatred I have in my heart towards my biological family onto the entirety
of humanity and single-handedly destroying the entire world as a result.

One must understand pure love in order to understand pure hatred. It's only through being
immensely loving and having your heart and soul crushed and being left devastated that you can
truly understand the value of having deep hatred in your heart and soul as well. After everything I've
been through and all the love I've constantly tried to give, all I've ended up getting is pure hatred.
Now it's my turn to give the world pure hatred in return.
 Lust
Before getting into my experiences with sex and love, I suppose it's best to start with my experiences
with lust.

Some women I lusted after and got nothing from. Others I didn't even lust after and got some things
from.

I'll stick to mentioning the women I lusted after.

Since I had an extremely tunnel-vision focus on my career and professional prospects shortly after
graduating from high school, I almost never went out or interacted with women because I was far too
busy spending literally all my waking time working on my professional goals. As such, other than the
one girl that I lusted after in elementary school (some may call her my "first love"), these girls are
from my high school experience.
Standards

I guess I'll start with the girl I liked in elementary. Her name was Kathy.

Looking at her now, Kathy's completely nothing special. She's cute, sure. She's certainly not ugly, I
can say that much. But would I say she's particularly attractive? Not even remotely. She's about as
average as it gets, both in appearance and personality. From my current perspective, I have no clue
what the young me was thinking absolutely obsessing over this girl for four whole years nonstop.

When I try to explain it, the only real reason I can think of was that I was very young and had hardly
seen much of the world. I hadn't seen many attractive women in my life, and there was certainly a
distinct lack of women I found even remotely attractive at my elementary school. Of all the girls in my
grade, I thought maybe about three or four were interesting. That's pretty terrible, considering that I
also thought three of the female teachers were attractive. You can tell there's going to be problems
when you have the same amount of females you find attractive around your age in your environment
as you find females three times your age in your environment attractive.

Basically, what I'm trying to get at is that my options were all pretty bad, so even though this girl is
something I clearly don't see as anything special now, back then, she was amazing.

It's really strange the more I think about it though. When I look back at it now, there was another girl
who I gave close to no attention to, but who I'd say is far more attractive looking at things now, both
physically and mentally. Between Kathy and that girl, they were both part of the "popular" kids too,
so even the foolish notion of social status we encounter in elementary school wasn't a driving force
in me becoming so obsessed with Kathy.

This other girl was actually so arousing that I remember there was a solid week where I randomly
stopped touching myself to Kathy, and instead suddenly felt extremely aroused by this other girl and
touched myself to her even more intensely. Even back then, upon taking a moment to think about
her attractiveness, I came to find her more voluptuous and physically attractive, and also noticed that
her personality was cuter, sexier, more exciting, and, even with my limited capacity at the time to
gauge it, more compatible with my personality. I felt so turned on by her that she was the reason that
for the first time, I was so turned on as I lied in my bed with my dick hard thinking about her that I
couldn't even care about grabbing a tissue to shoot my load into after I came, and opted to just touch
myself under my pants and let the load shoot out into my underwear.

I didn't think much about it throughout elementary and high school, but I did end up reflecting on it a
decent amount afterwards, realizing just how confusing it truly was to me that I never actually
pursued this other girl. The only plausible explanation I have for it is that once I initially spilled it to a
couple "cool" kids that I liked Kathy, and they proceeded to spread it to the rest of the entire grade
even though they told me they wouldn't, I felt like I had to stay committed. It's indeed an extremely
stupid reason, especially since Kathy was very clearly never into me in the slightest, but I was
considerably socially inept as an elementary school kid.

I ended up doing several things that made a fool out of myself. I handed her flowers and it was really
awkward. I told her I loved her and it was really awkward. I asked her to flash me because I was
peer pressured into it, to which she initially pretended to be angry and stormed off, then later came
back and said she was just messing around. It was awkward. The whole thing was ridiculously
stupid and pathetic, but the young me was extremely foolish and naive and desperately thought I
may have had a chance with her.

She made an attempt to reach out to me as a friend once. It was really awkward. I was aimlessly
pacing in a corner of the field, and she didn't even have the courage to approach me alone, she had
to come with a friend. Well, it was either that, or her friend was there to confirm that she actually
followed through with it, and to report back to the "cool" kids what my reaction was.

Anyways, I was instantly paranoid that it was some kind of trap to make me look foolish, and I had a
notion that I was one of the awkward losers and Kathy was one of the "cool" kids, so there's no
possible way we could actually be friends. Looking at it now, it's pretty crazy that I was that aware of
boundaries and social cues to know that me and her were practically from different worlds, and yet I
still so hopelessly obsessed over her and kept believing somehow there was some hope I'd get her
one day.

Well, unsurprisingly, grade 4 through 8 passed and elementary school finished, and I hadn't actually
gotten anywhere with her. Surprisingly, I wasn't nearly as crushed as I thought I'd be. Summer
started, and I just did my thing on the computer. All I remember is I'm not sure exactly when or
exactly why, but at some point, I told myself I'd make sure high school was different. I wouldn't let
myself be socially retarded, and I wouldn't obsess over any girls I had no chance with and make an
idiot and clown out of myself constantly. I had that thought process going through my head, and as
summer ended, high school began.

And was it different.

Changes

The very first day, I didn't make any friends. I went to my classes, the day ended, and I went home.
No big deal, I thought, obviously I won't make friends right away. But I didn't expect to end up
making them as fast as I did.

The second day, I went to my classes again. Didn't really talk to anyone again. At the time, I took the
bus home, and as I was walking to the bus stop, I told myself the same thing I'd told myself the first
day.

It just so happened that some guy I saw in the halls at one point was walking home, walking towards
the bus stop I was waiting at. I wasn't sure if he was going to take the bus or keep walking, but for
some unknown reason, I decided to strike up a conversation with him in the strangest way I'd ever
done so in my life that I'd never done before. I randomly asked him if I'd seen him before.

I don't remember how the conversation progressed from there, but long story short, he was warmly
receptive to my awkward opener, and just like that, suddenly we were friends. He told me he'd
introduce me to his other friends he had already made and hung out with after school, the next day.

The next day came, and man was I happy to be introduced to that guy's friends. The first person I
was introduced to was a girl I thought was considerably attractive. The first girl I met and became
friends with in high school, and it was already a girl way hotter than Kathy. On top of that, this girl
actually seemed into me, something I'd never felt from Kathy at all. I already started to feel good
about this whole high school experience. There was also another girl in the group of a few friends I
was introduced to, and she was the one I'd consider the prettiest of this group, which I'd soon learn
had even a few other girls in it, but she was more timid than the first girl, and she seemed not to be
very interested in getting to know me, so I took it easy with talking to her.

Those girls were pretty and all, and I did indeed lust after them for quite some time in the end, but I
never really chased them, nor was my lust ever extremely intense; I just thought they were among
the most attractive girls in the school, I was happy to be friends with them, and that was about as far
as that went for the most part. The one girl who showed interest in me did end up letting me feel up
her breasts and butt a few times as I got closer to her throughout the years we'd hang out after
school almost every single day, but we never ended up dating nor doing anything really sexual.

The real subject of my extreme lust from high school was another girl whom I got introduced to and
became friends with later, several months after grade 9 had already started, by the time it was
already second semester.

I had some friends already at this point, but I figured it always couldn't hurt to make new ones.
Additionally, I still didn't have any friends that were more hardcore into computers and gaming as I
was at that point, so I was still looking for such a friend. English class came around, and pretty
quickly, I found a guy that seemed to fit the position. I sat beside a dude that knew that guy, and he
very briefly introduced us. We wasted no time starting to talk about computers and games, and the
conversation pretty much instantly started going well. We became friends just like that.

The reason I mention that guy in this chapter is because he ended up being the reason that the
woman I found by far the most attractive in the entire high school ended up making her presence
known to me and becoming a part of that friend group I had with that guy, and therefore one of my
friends. It happened because she was in love with him. She wanted to date him. She became kind of
obsessed with him, and out of nowhere suddenly started just hanging out with us all the time and
trying hard to fit in and be accepted. I was never really much of an anime watcher, but this girl and
my friend that she was in love with were both heavily into it, and combined with the fact that my
friend didn't have many female friends so he enjoyed the attention, the girl fit in and became friends
with the group pretty quickly and easily.

Her and I were decently good friends at first. For at least about a year, we seemed to get along well
enough. We were even close enough that she invited me to one of her birthday parties and
everything went just fine. Our interactions weren't at all flirty or sexual in any nature really, and I'm
actually quite certain she never for one moment suspected during that time that I found her to be by
far the most attractive girl in the whole school.
Ignorance

To be completely honest, my desires for her weren't that strong initially. Somehow, I actually didn't
find her very attractive at all in the very beginning. It wasn't that I thought she was ugly, I simply
thought she was just a friend and nothing special physically. She was literally just another one of my
several female friends that I had all throughout high school. After about a year though, I happened to
actually take a good look at her butt one day, and I suddenly realized it was very nice. In fact, once I
actually paid some attention to it, I realized it was easily by far the best butt on any girl in the whole
school. Although I still found her face and breasts nothing special at that point and was only focused
on how sexy her butt was, I've always been a butt person, and her having the best butt instantly
made her extremely attractive to me.

She still somehow didn't manage to immediately make it to the top of my list on most attractive girls
in the school at that point, I really don't know how. It was like her butt was so nice that after not even
noticing it for so long, it didn't quite sink in right away just how sexy it really was to me. Slowly
though, I got more and more aroused by it as I sneaked glances at it more and more frequently.
Eventually, I realized I was extremely attracted to it, and she finally made it to the top of my list of
most attractive women in the school. I wasn't sure how to communicate my feelings to her clearly,
and I wasn't sure if she'd be positively receptive to it, so I was scared. She was a considerably close
part of that friend group I had by that point, so I knew it'd be awkward if I just told her my feelings.

For some reason, perhaps because I had such a lack of love in my life from my family, I went
through a phase in high school of simply randomly joking around and randomly telling several people
that I was friends with, both girls and boys, that I loved them. If they looked weirded out, as they
pretty much always did, I tried to clarify and said it was lighthearted and I didn't mean it in a sexual
way, to which they usually pretty quickly chilled out. I was always more of a charismatic and
outgoing personality in general, and I had a reputation and was literally the most popular kid in the
school, so for the most part people were pretty chill about it. Usually, people would respond with
something to the effect of "oh yeah, I love you too, as a friend of course". Sometimes, when I'd say it
to the more carefree friends I had, they'd mess around and flirt with me and tell me they love me too
and send a sexual kinda expression my way; even some guys would do that.

Of course, there were some that took it a little too seriously, especially the first time I said it, and
they'd say something to the effect of "the feeling's not mutual"; usually this was guys that didn't know
me as well and thought I was making some kind of sexual move on them. They'd still laugh and just
look visibly a little uncomfortable, and even in those cases, I'd clarify and say I didn't mean it
sexually, and they'd chill out. But nobody reacted the way to me messing around and telling them I
loved them like Chloe did. I tried saying it to her on a few different occasions, and every time she
responded by smiling, giggling, and literally saying, "I hate you" with a grin still on her face.

The first time she did it, I thought she was just trying to get creative with me because she'd seen me
do it to other people and wanted to see how I'd react to her saying something nobody else had ever
said, but after I responded with "I still love you anyways" and laughed it off casually the first time she
said it, she still did exactly the same thing in subsequent times I told her I love her.

I really wasn't sure how to react to this. We were friends, yet she was giving me the most blatantly
cruel response possible, and she wasn't even a dude that I could understand might just be really
bothered by mistakenly thinking that I was gay and actually sexually attracted to him. I saw only two
possibilities: she either secretly was in love with me or at least found me appealing and was looking
for me to actually flirt with her and chase a relationship with her and wanted to try to express it to me
as best she could that way, or that she actually really disliked me and wished I'd stop talking to her
entirely and leave her and that friend group alone entirely.

I was hurt and offended. As far as being interested in me and secretly trying to show it to me went,
she had already stopped chasing my friend that she had initially been in love with, and was now
actively chasing his best friend. It seemed far too strange of a way to express wanting me to actually
flirt with her and start chasing a relationship with her, so I saw the only other possibility being that
she actually hated me and wanted me to go away. About the third or fourth time I told her I loved her
and she once again smiled, giggled, and literally responded with the exact words "I hate you", I had
enough. What instantly went through my head was, "Okay, you hate me? So you definitely don't
want to ever talk to me again then. Fine. Fuck you too. I'm going to just start flat-out ignoring you
from now on. You can have what you want."

That was at the end of the day after school, and after I made that decision, I simply picked up my
backpack to leave and started walking away to head outside and start walking to my bus stop to take
the bus home. I don't remember exactly for what, but as I was leaving, Chloe tried to talk to me,
calling out to me more than once as I was walking away. I was entirely unresponsive and just kept
walking.

That was the beginning of me ignoring her. For several months after that, I didn't say one word to
her. It definitely made things kinda awkward with me in that friend group, because they all were
actively aware that I was ignoring Chloe. She stopped trying to talk to me pretty quickly after she
realized what I was doing. As time went by, her butt turned me on more and more. By grade 12, I
was already thinking about it and touching myself to it every single day. I'd sneak glances at it every
chance I had, which was quite often given that she was part of the friend group I hung out with the
most.
Chloe

I'm not sure what she told people, but I'm quite certain she was dishonest about the full truth, both to
others and even herself.

After March Break in grade 12, high school was approaching its last few months, and my arousal for
Chloe's butt was so high that I knew I absolutely wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I didn't
somehow break the silence and make it very clear to her that I found her butt extremely arousing.
Obviously, I couldn't just blurt it out in front of all of my other friends, so I knew I had to get her alone
and talk to her that way.

One day, right after March Break, I caught her in the halls after a class and as she was entering a
spare period. I just casually approached her and asked her if we could talk, alone. She was
surprisingly quite calm, understandably surprised, but overall quite pleasant and very easily agreed
without even questioning my intent at all and went to a secluded staircase area to be alone with me.

When we were finally alone, I was so turned on and thrilled to finally be alone with Chloe and able to
talk to her after so long, especially knowing what I was going to say to her, that I literally couldn't
stop giggling for a good while at first. She smiled and asked me in a very gentle and friendly way
why I was laughing. I just told her I need a moment and just need her to wait for me to calm down a
little, to which she kindly obliged. After I finally calmed down enough to stop giggling, I finally looked
her in the eyes and got out what I got her alone to say.

"Can I squeeze your ass?" I said with a smile still on my face and about to start giggling again.

I was so nervous and really scared of what would happen next. I'd went through this situation in my
head for hours and hours throughout several days while I'd been contemplating actually getting the
courage to do it.

I expected one of two things to happen.

The first possibility I'd gone through in my head was the one I fantasized about: that she was going
to smile, tell me something to the effect of "Wow! That's so sweet/sexy! You were ignoring me this
whole time, but you were secretly so turned on by my ass this whole time that you now can't resist to
ask me if you can touch it? As long as you realize this doesn't suddenly mean we're dating, sure!
Why not?"

Maybe, if I was extremely lucky, she might even ask me if I'd like to start dating since we were both
single and I must clearly find her quite attractive to be asking, since I'd never done anything like that
to anyone ever before, and she found it considerably attractive that I felt that way towards her
despite having ignored her for so long. Then, she'd turn around so her butt was facing my direction,
turn her head over her shoulder to look at me, and then tell me something to the effect of "Go right
ahead, enjoy yourself," with a smile still on her face. My response to which would be to thank her for
her kindness and proceed to feel her ass up thoroughly, get a boner, and then ask her if she wanted
to help me with it or if I should go take care of it myself in the washroom.

That possibility turned me on so much I knew I had to try doing this, even as unlikely as I knew it
was to end up that way.

The other possibility, the one I thought was pretty much certain to happen, was she'd look at me with
an expression of sheer disgust, extremely creeped out, and basically say something to the effect of
"What the fuck? Hell no you can't squeeze my ass! You ignore me for so long, and now the first thing
you have to say to me after all this time is that you want to grab my ass?! Get away from me, you
creep!"

My response to that would be to apologize profusely, tell her I meant no offense and that I'd leave
her alone and never ask again, and to leave the situation as quickly as possible. Then probably
touch myself in the washroom anyways because I'd be so relieved that at least she finally knew how
I felt and at least I tried.

What actually happened, and caught me completely off guard, was neither of those things.

She smiled, giggled, and with a smile still on her face, tenderly asked me simply, "Why?"

I was going crazy. My mind was racing. I was completely caught off guard. "Why? What do you
mean why?! Why would anyone ever ask you to squeeze your ass?! I think it's extremely sexy to the
point I can't help but take a desperate shot in the dark and ask you if I can squeeze it against all
odds because that's just how much it turns me on, obviously! How can you stand there smiling,
giggling, and simply ask me why as if there would ever be more than one reason for me to ask?!" is
what I was thinking. I was a really anxious nervous wreck back then, so I was very poorly
emotionally equipped to handle the situation, which still makes me feel really bad to this day.

"Because I think it's really nice and I wanna touch it. Please?" I blurted out like an idiot.

She giggled again, then simply said, "No," with a smile still on her face.

This made me feel even more crazy. "No?! What do you mean no?! You must know you turn me on
a lot, yet you ask me why I wanna touch your ass, and then when I openly admit to you that I find
you very attractive and am simply so turned on by you that I just can't help but want to touch it, you
simply deny me with a giggle and a smile on your face?! What the fuck is even going on?! How am I
supposed to react to this?!" was all that went through my head. I was extremely disappointed that I
got rejected, and in such a teasing way at that.
"Come on, are you sure?" I tried one last time, already feeling defeated.

"I'm sure. You can't," she responded calmly.

"Has anyone ever asked to touch your butt before?" I asked out of genuine curiosity. I thought her
butt was incredible, the best I'd ever seen, so I figured she must've.

"No, you're the first," she replied, a smile still on her face.

"Really? No way. Herman never asked?" I said in surprise. Herman was her ex-boyfriend, the only
relationship she'd had throughout all of high school as far as I was aware, and he'd broken up with
her after about a month or two.

"Nope, never," she had no hesitation to respond with. She seemed a little disappointed about it and
her smile started to fade.

"Wow. I don't know why he didn't; I would've, your butt is really nice," I told her. I wish I'd told her it
was the best I'd ever seen, which was true at that point and remained true for several years, up until
I saw Kimi's. Chloe's butt remains the second best I've ever seen.

She looked me in the eyes silently for a little while. She had a big smile once again. The situation
was feeling weirder by the moment.

"Well, I think you're pretty hot in general. Would you ever date me?" I felt the need to ask. I'd wanted
to date her for so long and I figured I might as well take the opportunity to ask at that point.

"No, I'm only into Asians," she responded, still smiling.

"Okay... Can I at least have a hug?" I said as I tried to figure out what the situation even meant.

"No. Anything else?" she responded, giggling a little after.

"Okay... No, nothing," I said, feeling very confused and upset at the interaction.

"Okay..." she said calmly, seeming confused but pleased. A big smile remained on her face.

I opened a door to leave the staircase area and held it open for her to walk through. There were a
few doors she could've used and I expected her to open a door for herself and use that one instead,
but to my surprise, she moved from where she'd been standing and headed through the door I was
holding, without any hesitation but also calmly and not seeming particularly uncomfortable nor in a
rush to get away from me.

After she passed the doorway, she calmly glanced back to look at me, I'm assuming to catch me
looking at her butt as she must've been quite certain I was going to do. Naturally, she wasn't wrong. I
was looking, and I already knew I needed to go to the washroom and relieve myself after that
interaction and view she was so calmly giving me.
When I saw her glancing back watching me looking at her butt, I was even more confused and
upset. Why did she want confirmation I was looking at her butt after that interaction when she
already must've known I'd look and she should be creeped out and want to get away from me as fast
as possible instead of basking in my arousal for her? The mixed signals were strong as fuck.

At this point, she'd just passed the doorway and her butt had hardly even been in my view for very
long to begin with. She was very curious for someone who should've been creeped out and want me
to leave her alone. I had no reason to stay in that area myself, so I went through the door as well.
We were only about a meter away from each other, but after I saw her glancing back like that, I was
so confused at her desires and so turned on by her wanting to know I was looking and being so calm
about it that I felt like I was going crazy.

As she kept watching me, I quickly turned my gaze from her face back to her butt, took a couple
steps forward quickly, and tried to grab her butt. The material of the pants she was wearing didn't
have good grip at all, and when combined with how big her butt was and the fact she was walking,
my grip slipped as I tried to squeeze and my hand barely made contact with one of her butt cheeks
for half a second.

Still looking at me, she jerked her body away and stopped for a moment. We looked each other in
the eyes.

"Sorry... I thought..." I let my voice trail off. It was useless. I felt like a massive creep. I resented the
whole situation. I started walking away.

She was a lot calmer than I thought she'd be. She didn't look angry, scared, or creeped out at all.
She started walking beside me. "It's okay," was all she said.

The whole situation felt extremely strange to me. I felt really guilty for what I'd done, even though I
knew why I'd done it. I figured I should apologize again or something, but I wasn't sure exactly what
to say or do at that point.

I slowed down a little and let her lead the way, but we were still walking pretty much side by side. We
walked down a couple hallways together and entered the cafeteria. We sat at the edge of one of the
tables, facing each other. She started looking me in the eyes and opening up to me about her
personal issues. She talked to me about how she didn't feel loved in her family and that she was
really upset her parents favored her little brother over her because he was male and they gave him
so much freedom even as a child while she felt suffocated by their restrictions on her.

It was the most fucked up I'd ever felt in my entire life. I was feeling so many things. Angry at myself
for being so pathetic and stupid. Angry at her for leading me on and giving me so many mixed
signals. Sad I didn't get to actually feel her up. Confused about what was even going on. Horny from
the view of her butt and the experience I'd just had and wanted to jerk off to her badly. I really
wanted to stare at her breasts while she talked because they were quite nice too, but I somehow
managed to control myself and keep eye contact as she just kept calmly talking to me for reasons
beyond my comprehension. I listened in silence.

As the period ended and she had to go to class, I apologized once again for what I'd done. The
whole situation felt so fucked up that I was already wishing I could forget about it and all the arousal I
had for Chloe. I felt so much guilt and I was really sad she'd never return feelings that I was feeling
so intensely. I figured that I'd at least somewhat made up for the discomfort I would've made her feel
by letting her basically vent to me about personal shit. She seemed okay and wasn't in any particular
rush to leave me alone, but we had different classes to go to so we both got up at the same time and
left the cafeteria.

I had to touch myself a lot that night.

The next day, I learned Chloe had went and blabbed to at least a few people in the mutual friend
group we had that I'd hang out with nearly every day. As I approached our usual end of the hallway
area after school to hang out, one of my friends approached me.

"Did you ask to grab Chloe's ass?" he asked me with a smile, giggling a little in disbelief.

"Huh? No. If I wanted to touch it, I'd just do it," I said and let out a little laugh.

I felt bad about lying to a good friend of mine, but I didn't see any option. It was a lose-lose situation.
I felt extremely upset that Chloe had went and blabbed about it to other people. Given that she told
me she was only into Asians, she told me she'd never like me, so it seemed quite obvious nothing
good could come of admitting it. It came off like she was trying to ruin my reputation and get
attention.

I figured I'd tried my best to make it better by apologizing more than once and letting her vent and
then leaving her alone. I didn't want to ruin my reputation nor seem obsessed and as if I thought it
was acceptable behavior to have tried touching her butt anyways in an inevitable more detailed
breakdown of events that would have to follow an admittance.

He seemed to believe me quite easily. He didn't press me any further.

The next day, I by chance caught Chloe alone in the hall on her way to a class. I decided to take the
opportunity to try to clear the air a little with her. I approached her.

"Hey, sorry to bother you, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"I'm going to class. What is it?" she responded as she kept walking.
"Look. I'm sorry about the other day. I won't do it again. If you don't like me, I won't bother you about
it. Can you just not go around blabbing to everyone?" I said as I kept up with her pace. I knew she
had to get to class quickly so I didn't have much time. I didn't need it anyways.

"Fine," she responded.

"Thanks," I said as I started to turn around and walk away.

Not that it really mattered. She'd already blabbed. Rumors were going around. The damage was
done. I was pissed, but there was nothing I could do. I was the most popular kid in the entire school
and people started rumors about me several times about things that were actually completely false.
I'd been confronted about those things by several people on different occasions and denied them
and explained the truth behind whatever it was if there was any truth to it at all.

I didn't ever get confronted by anyone else about my interaction with Chloe.
Gina

I'm not sure what she told people, but I'm quite certain she lied.

After school one day when she was hanging out in our friend group like she did sometimes, I
decided to take the opportunity to ask her if we could talk alone for a while before she left to go
home for the day. She seemed quite curious and immediately accepted, eager to start walking alone
with me. We made our way to an empty hallway with a staircase in a corner of the school.

Not wanting to repeat the same mistake I made with Chloe, I first told her I thought she was very
attractive. She smiled, thanked me and seemed flattered and a little shy. I then casually but gently
told her I thought she had a really nice butt and asked her if she was willing to stand in front of me or
bend over and let me take a good look at it because I really wanted to. With a smile still on her face,
she responded that she was completely fine with me looking at it as much as I wanted when she
was around or if I saw her in the halls, but she didn't feel like standing right in front of me or
intentionally bending over in front of me or anything.

I thought she too would look at me disgusted and call me a pervert, seeming uncomfortable and
telling me to leave her alone and never make such a request again, but her reaction was nothing like
that. She didn't seem disgusted or even bothered at all by my quite explicitly sexual request, and it
felt quite clearly to me like she wanted to do it but she just felt too shy to admit it and go for it.

After I asked her if she was sure I couldn't even get a little bit of a better view, she verbally said no,
but she was still being quite receptive to the conversation and my presence and didn't seem
uncomfortable nor disgusted by my desires and advances at all as I was very obviously staring at
her breasts and thighs. I told her it was okay and I asked her if I could walk with her for a while on
her way home, to which she was okay with. I told her I'd follow closely behind her because the view
was better; once again she didn't have a problem with this.

After walking that way for probably not even ten seconds, I casually asked her if touching her butt
was something she was more open to letting me do and reached over and grabbed it. After a
second, she said no verbally, but still didn't seem actually disgusted nor uncomfortable at all. She
didn't try to move away like Chloe did. She didn't even try to get me to take my hand off. She just
said no but let me keep my hand on her butt, gently squeezing one of her butt cheeks. After a couple
squeezes, I said fine, apologized, and let go. She said it was okay. I looked at her and we smiled at
each other.

Less than a minute later, I did it again and she had the same reaction. This time I didn't apologize
afterwards. By the time I walked with her for only a few minutes, I'd grabbed her butt seven times
with her giving the same reaction. Yes, she let me grab her butt and caress it seven times, putting up
no real resistance whatsoever on every occasion and seeming to have enjoyed it. As I let go of her
butt for the seventh time and we approached a parking lot across the field, before she turned the
corner, she thanked me for walking with her and told me her parents were waiting and it was
probably best they didn't see, to which I agreed. She headed to the parking lot and I headed back to
the school.

After that, I felt like she was actually super into me but really shy to admit it and didn't want to come
off too easy, which is why I later tried to grab her breasts, thinking she just wanted me to express my
desires for her more openly so she'd finally feel comfortable admitting them and starting to date me.
After all, it seemed like a pretty good bet to me that you don't just let someone feel your butt up
seven times within a few minutes only playfully seeming not to enjoy it, unless you actually really
liked the person.

The following day, I took an opportunity where she wasn't doing much and just hanging around to
approach her.

"Hey," I said as I approached her from behind. I wrapped my arms around her and gently squeezed
her breasts.

She was silent.

For a moment, I wasn't sure what was happening, then things started feeling weird and I let go. It
was really weird. She looked me in the eyes for a very short while and blinked a couple times, then
looked away and just pretended it never happened. I was left even more confused, and I once again
felt very guilty.

I definitely wouldn't have done that if she hadn't been so receptive to me feeling her butt up. I don't
know or care why she acted that way, all I know is I'm long over her and just never want to have
anything to do with her ever again.

Looking back on it now, I definitely could've approached things a lot better than I did. I was just a
nervous mess from abuse at home, and that intense anxiety was combined with the intense stress of
my depression and gender dysphoria, combined further with the extreme frustration and confusion
from the mixed signals I'd got from Chloe, I simply wasn't able to even think very clearly.
Trouble

I don't remember exactly, but within a few days after that, I was called into the principal's office. He
told me Chloe had told him about the incident where I'd asked to touch her butt. I admitted to it and
said I felt bad and wouldn't repeat it. He asked me if I'd apologized to her, and I told him that I had
already done so more than once, shortly after I'd done it. It was the truth.

He asked me if I'd done such a thing to anyone else. Gina popped in my head. Given that Gina had
actually let me touch her several times and seemed quite okay with it, I supposed he wasn't talking
about something like that, and more along the lines of someone who'd shown more intense distaste
for it like Chloe had. I hadn't, so I said no. The principal told me not to repeat my actions, but that
he'd let me off with a warning because I was generally a good student and didn't get into trouble.

Once again, I don't remember exactly, but within a few days following that, I was called into the
principal's office again. He told me that he'd been informed about me touching Gina too, and he now
had to inform the police and I'd have to deal with them. Additionally, I was given a week's
suspension and told to go home.

It was a mess. I had to go to court and deal with a preliminary hearing for sexual assault charges. I
had to deal with the police. I had to go to the station, they took my fingerprints, threw me in a jail cell
for a few hours, and I had to wait to see what would happen. I got interrogated. I learned that Gina
hadn't told the truth and that she'd said I only touched her butt once. I assume Chloe also lied about
exactly what happened in my interaction with her as well.

I didn't bother denying things and I didn't even want to try explaining myself. I didn't care. I didn't feel
good about what I'd done, nor did I have any intention to mess with these girls any further; I just
wanted it all behind me and I knew I hadn't done anything severe. I accepted what I'd done was
wrong, told the officers I'd already apologized to both girls, which was true, and told them it was a
lapse in judgement and I wouldn't do it again. They said they'd put in a word for me to the judge.

The charges ended up being dropped and I was basically let off with a warning.

After that experience, I swore to myself some things:

1. I'd never even try to get a serious relationship until I was more mentally suited for it.
2. I'd make sure that if I ever had to endure questionable treatment from a woman to end up in
a relationship with her, I had evidence to prove in a court of law that I had not made any
criminal offenses.
3. I'd be very careful with making any sexual advances in general.
Before the school year ended, Chloe ended up posting a picture on her Facebook, the first ever like
it, with a completely clear view of her butt. It was right around my birthday too, as if it was a birthday
present to me. It was seemingly totally random with no other possible reason I could think of as to
why she did it. I can't imagine why she posted it if not to taunt me. She's standing upright in tight
white jeans with her butt front and center of the picture, her head turned to look at the camera as if to
be watching you knowing that you're staring at her butt and getting turned on.

Not only that, but at one point afterwards, while she was sitting beside Herman, only being friends
with them as they'd broken up, she got up, turned around to face her back to me as I was sitting
directly opposite from him in the hallway, and bent all the way right over to look at his laptop screen
upside down, as opposed to simply sitting beside him and looking at it from the side as she had
been for quite some time already. This resulted in her sticking her extremely voluptuous butt, that
she knew I considered as such, pretty much right in my face. It was literally less than two meters
away.

I never said a word to her for the remainder of high school.

Maggie

She was an interesting learning experience.

She was the one that started talking to me. She told me about and even showed me about her
habits of sending dirty messages and even having webcam sex. I told her pretty early on that I
thought she had a really nice butt and I wanted to touch it; she responded by asking me why I
wanted to touch hers and not other girls' and when I told her that hers was very nice and we had a
connection I didn't have with other girls, she refused, but she continued to hang out with me and flirt.
We went on a date for lunch at one point at a pizza place in a plaza not too far from the school.

She was the one that first suggested we spend some time alone together in one of the hallways in
the school with no camera coverage near a staircase. She let me feel up her thigh and the side of
her butt for a good half an hour straight once, us both looking each other in the eyes sensually pretty
much the whole time; it was a quite intense experience for me. She invited me to grope her breasts.
I pretty quickly started to feel very turned on around her.

At one point in one of our times spent together alone in that hallway, she even claimed I poked her
pussy and yet didn't really seem upset about it and continued to hang out with me and talk
pleasantly after. My hand hadn't actually made contact with her crotch area at all, and certainly not
her vagina; her accusation came completely out of nowhere and caught me completely off-guard. I
completely denied having poked it and all I could think at the moment was that I was concerned she
was trying to get me in trouble for something I hadn't even done; such a shame I was so clueless I
missed out on the opportunity to rub a hot girl's pussy when she was basically asking for it. Looking
back on it, I should've told her "oh I'm so sorry, let me make it feel better" and reached down
between her thighs and started to gently rub her clit. I'm pretty sure that's what she'd wanted and
when I didn't react the way she wanted, that's when she started feeling less turned on around me.

I'd thought about the incident where she'd claimed I'd poked her pussy and how calm and casual she
was about it, and the idea that she had wanted it and was turned on by me started making me more
turned on by her. I asked her to hang out for a while on a following day in our usual hallway during
her music class, asking to go to the washroom when she had some free time in the period. She did
so and met me in the hallway where we were alone together. I told her I'd been thinking about her
and she really made my dick hard. She told me it was just chemicals and I'd get over it. I told her that
she was very sexy and I told her once more that I really wanted to touch her butt. She didn't seem
surprised nor disgusted, but refused. I asked her if she'd at least hug me and let me feel her breasts
pressing up against me, to which she agreed. I was so turned on I knew I had to take the opportunity
to grab her ass.
Shortly after I wrapped my arms around her waist for the hug, I slid my hands down to her butt
cheeks and gently squeezed one in each of my hands. She kept her arms gently around me and
after a second simply calmly said "stop". After a couple squeezes, I let go. Shortly after that, she said
she should get back to class. I told her that she had a really nice ass and it felt really good to touch
it, to which she looked at me, smiled, and simply said "thanks, I try" before starting to walk away
back to class. As she was approaching the doors to leave the hallway, I told her I was going to go
jerk off to her in the washroom right away and she told me to enjoy myself. She got her brother to
approach me the next day and tell me not to talk to her anymore, to which I was left speechless. I
decided to just leave her alone.

Looking back on it, I should have kept caressing her butt as I gently asked her "Are you sure? I'm
pretty sure you're the type to be enjoying this right now. It feels really good for me", but I was an
abused and extremely nervous teenager and was terrified she'd start yelling if I didn't promptly stop.
It wasn't a very well-founded fear, as she'd been considerably intimate with me on multiple occasions
in the past and seemed to be enjoying herself as she wasn't resisting physically at all and seemed
very calm; in the worst case, she probably would've just calmly said she was sure and asked politely
once more for me to let go or she'd have to yell and I would've done so, having made my desires
towards her more clear and also having gotten a better feel in the process. I suppose she figured I
was really upset at her for the mixed signals after I promptly let go of her butt like that, and that's why
things never ended up going somewhere further with her.
Jackie

She was a hot friend.

I became friends with her on the second day of high school. I thought she was pretty hot initially. We
got along pretty well and hung out almost every day after school, usually with other people and
sometimes without.

By the end of high school, she'd let me grope her breasts and grab her ass a few times. Once I
randomly asked to touch it and she even lied down and straight up told me to have fun feeling her
ass up and I enjoyed giving it a good massage.

She told me once when she sucked another dude off after school, a mutual friend. I could literally
smell the cum on her breath when she talked to me after.

When I asked her if she'd do something more for me, she started getting distant and seemed to want
me to pursue her, but it didn't feel right to me.

I know some personal stuff about her, but I won't share it here out of respect for her. She was always
quite kind and a pretty good friend to me, so I think she deserves that much.
Michelle

She probably liked me more than I'll ever know.

She was a year younger and she'd sometimes hang out with the friend group I usually hung out with
after school. She was extremely cute and sexy to me from the first time I met her. The second most
attractive girl in the school in my eyes, right under Chloe.

She was a good friend to me.

I really liked her, both physically and mentally, but I didn't know how to transition from a pleasant
friendship with mild-to-moderate sexual tension into a natural-seeming pursuit of a relationship. She
came to my birthday party the one year I actually had one when I was in high school, and she even
bought me nail polish and mascara, knowing I was trans. She was always really sweet to me.

She was one of the very few people in high school that I actually had a deeper conversation with as
well. She was one of the even fewer that initiated it. She asked me to walk with her to the bus stop
once and opened up to me that her parents were fighting and she was worried they'd get divorced,
asking me how it affected me and if I had any advice. She listened attentively, asked sensitive
questions, and was very happy that I was so relaxed and open to her about my feelings. She
thanked me after.

I didn't really make any moves on her during the time I was in high school, although I really wanted
to. After high school ended though, she had me on Skype, and one day several months after I
graduated she actually hit me up and asked me if I could meet her and help her with her laptop. She
wanted me to install Photoshop for her.

Of course I said sure because I really missed her and I obviously saw an opportunity to ask her out,
although I didn't tell her either of those things and simply acted cool and told her it wasn't a problem.
When I met her, it was quite an interesting experience.

We met in a secluded staircase area. We hugged and she gave me her laptop. I got to work and
started setting up what she wanted as we talked a little.

As I was sitting down working on her laptop, I saw her gently pacing side to side in front of me. I
noticed she was moving her head a little strangely, glancing back to look at me briefly before turning
around nearly every time she switched direction, as if looking to catch something quickly. She had a
really nice butt and she was giving me a constant view of it, so I couldn't help but look at it as the
installer was loading and there wasn't really anything I needed to do on her laptop. Back then, I was
really insecure, so I was being really careful not to let her see me looking.
Although I really liked the view, after a while I felt like the whole situation had this really weird sexual
tension aspect and I also found it strange that she was walking around like that instead of sitting
down and relaxing, so I asked her why she was walking around instead of sitting down and relaxing.

"Walking around must be tiring, isn't it? You don't want to sit down?" I gently asked her, genuinely
wanting her to be more comfortable.

"It's okay, I sit all day in class, I want to move around a little," she responded calmly. It seemed
genuine.

"Well, this is going to take some time, so you'll be walking around for a while in that case," I said. I
actually wanted her to keep walking around, because it meant I got to look at her butt more. I just
really didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. I was really stupid back then. I should've flirted with her
and let her see me looking, but I was way too insecure for that back then.

"It's okay, I'm fine, take your time," she responded.

She continued walking side to side giving me that constant view of her butt and glancing back
quickly often when she changed direction, as if to catch me looking. Being the nervous wreck I was, I
continued to be careful not to let her see.

After a little while, I was starting to get really horny. She seemed quite content continuing what she
was doing; the situation was really unlike one I'd ever been in before. I felt like she was into me and I
figured this was my one shot to ask her out as I may never see her again, so I told myself, "Fuck it I
think this girl sexy I'm going to ask her."

As stuff was loading on her laptop, after one of those times she quickly glanced over at me, I took
my opportunity.

"Hey, this is kinda random, but do you wanna maybe grab a coffee or see a movie some time?" I
managed to get out. I really wasn't sure how she'd react and I felt a really strange combination of
nervous and calm that no other girl had ever managed to make me feel at that point in my life.

"Uh... I don't think my boyfriend would like that," she responded with some hesitation. She looked
away for a little while, looking shy and disappointed, before she looked back at me again.

"Sorry," she finished, before continuing to walk side to side as she had been.

I was confused because she didn't have a boyfriend while I was in high school, at least not to my
knowledge. I asked her about it a little but she didn't want to give me any details. I didn't want to
push it so I dropped the topic.

I finished working on her laptop and handed it to her. She opened up Photoshop and messed around
a little and everything seemed okay. She smiled at me and thanked me and we talked some more
about life. Towards the end of our dialogue, she smiled brightly at me and told me I was really sweet.
I told her she had always been sweet to me too. She looked away for a little while, looking
embarrassed, before she looked back at me. We hugged once more before I left.

I never saw her again.

Lotus

I don't know what could've happened between us.

I met her on the second day of high school when I met Jackie, but we never got all that close. I
thought she was really attractive from the first time I saw her. Our personalities never clashed, but
we didn't really click either.

I thought she was the hottest girl in the school before I met Chloe, and she took the place of third
hottest after I met Michelle. I don't think she even knew at all that I found her so sexy; she probably
still to this day thinks I thought she was absolutely mediocre and nothing special at all, which I think
is quite sad because she seemed really precious to me from the first time I met her.

I thought of trying to ask her out a couple times, but she seemed to be pursued by this other guy for
quite some time and they never actually dated but I wasn't really sure what the nature of their
relationship was so it didn't feel right.

She'd been kind enough to me in the few interactions we'd had throughout the years in high school,
but I wouldn't say she gave me any signals, at least certainly nothing at all obvious. I didn't give her
any signals either. She started getting involved in clubs and activities so she started growing distant
from the group of friends I originally met her in, and with that, most remaining potential to interact
also became distant.

I always thought she was really smart and got straight A's. Towards the end of high school, I had a
small conversation with her in the halls one day and I mentioned it. She told me that she actually
wasn't that smart and just got alright marks, which was why she actually participated in clubs more to
try to make up for it. She was even cuter than I'd thought. When combined with how she'd been
single all of high school, learning that made me feel really dumb for thinking I never even had a
chance.

Strangely enough, she asked to take a picture with me at prom.

Consequences

High school ended with me remaining extremely attracted to Chloe. The profile picture with the clear
view of her ass, combined with the memory of her bending right over in front of my face, would
cause me to end up only more and more aroused by her, ending up touching myself to her pretty
much every single day and having multiple orgasms because of her, for many years to come. She
very easily far exceeded the desire I ever had for the girl in elementary school, both in raw physical
desire, as well as sustained intensity over a prolonged duration.

Even after high school ended, I'd check her Facebook profile from time to time, to see if she'd post
more arousing pictures of her, especially her extremely voluptuous ass, and I noticed a period where
she even went through dying her hair pink and purple. I'd told her back when I still talked to her in
high school that I really wanted to dye my hair pink and purple, and when combined with the relative
proximity to me expressing considerable interest in her body, I took it as a sign she was interested in
me pursuing her. Regardless, it only left me frustrated, because I wasn't sure at all how she
expected me to do so; the result was that I was left thinking about and touching myself to her more
and more.

Back in elementary school, I'd touch myself multiple times daily to the girl I was lusting after the
whole time I was lusting after her as well, but the reason I was obsessed with her was because I had
a very distinct lack of seeing attractive women that suited my tastes, as well as not even knowing
what my ideal tastes actually were.

I didn't even know Korean women existed, because there literally wasn't a single Korean person of
either sex in my entire elementary school throughout the entire time I was there, until I discovered K-
Pop in grade 9 during my first year of high school when a female friend of mine introduced me to it;
that was when I learned that I found Korean women by far the most attractive of all. There also
weren't many Asian females in my elementary school in general and even fewer that were pretty
attractive, so I didn't even have much to pick from in general in terms of females that suited my
tastes that I was exposed to back then.

I finished high school knowing I felt extremely obsessed with Chloe and extremely attracted to and
aroused by her, but I figured it must simply be the same kind of experience that I had in elementary
school, and that I'd eventually move on from my feelings towards her and find my perfectly
voluptuous Korean goddess that I could pursue and hopefully end up in an extremely loving
relationship with that would be immensely fulfilling and satisfying and result in an amazing marriage
that both of us would be very happy to spend the rest of our lives together in. Well, I was right about
finding my perfectly voluptuous Korean goddess, although I still don't know what will become of my
relationship with her.
But was I ever wrong about losing my desire towards Chloe.
Surprises

Although high school ended, my relationships with people I'd become friends with while there didn't
all end right after. They did gradually fade and I'd eventually stopped talking to anyone I knew from
high school within about one or two years, but I still had one really noteworthy experience after high
school had ended, and it involved two women I'd lusted after in high school at the same time.

The crazy part is I hadn't even planned it that way; these two girls took it upon themselves to make it
happen. I wasn't expecting it at all. I was actually quite shocked when it happened.

The first girl involved is named Kathy. Not the same girl from elementary. We'd been friends for
years in high school. She was a part of a group of girls that I hung out with regularly, usually during
lunch. She wanted to date me a lot more badly than I could ever tell.

We always had a weird kind of chemistry I'd never had with any other girl. I had feelings for her and
sometimes I'd think she had feelings for me too, although we didn't end up admitting such a thing to
each other and dating at any point in high school. We talked about K-Pop and K-Dramas, and I even
went to her birthday party once when we'd gotten closer. She'd regularly grab my chest with her wet
hands after washing her hands in the washroom, playfully teasing me that she was having fun
leaving wet marks on my shirt. Obviously I found it strange and I didn't want my shirt getting wet nor
did I want her randomly feeling me up like that, so I got upset and told her to stop.

After the second time she did it, I told her if she continued, I'd start groping her breasts every time in
return, so she'd better stop if she didn't want that. She still continued. I followed through on what I'd
said and grabbed her breasts in return every time after that. She'd always be smiling and giggling
and messing around when she touched me, pretending to try to run away and be scared of me
touching her, but giggling as I went after her and even as I actually grabbed and gently squeezed
her breasts. At one point, she literally even told me she wanted to be in a room alone with me and
take her clothes off and start making out.

Despite everything, she always made all her flirting seem like such a joke that I wasn't sure if she
just had a really weird sense of humor or if she was really into me. She'd even go as far as to joke
about what kind of children we'd have. I ended up still talking to her sometimes, even as high school
ended.

The second girl involved is named Gracia. She was from Korea and had a cute Korean accent. We
were acquaintances much more than I could ever call us friends; I'd only had a couple brief
interactions with her in the past, and limited interaction with her friend group as well. I always
thought she was really attractive, but our friend groups had literally no overlap and I had no way to
smoothly approach building a connection with her without very clearly hitting on her. She ended up
way more interested in me than I ever imagined she would be, and I really liked her too, but nothing
really ended up happening between us.

She immediately stood out a lot to me the moment I noticed her. She was literally the only Korean
girl in my entire grade, in fact the whole school as far as I was aware. She had a really cute Korean
accent and I thought she also had a really nice body. She was actually the girl I asked to be my
prom date.

I thought I was being kind of awkward and weird, but she made me feel a lot more comfortable about
it than I thought she would. I had a class with her in grade 12 second semester. I don't remember
exactly what I said, but I managed to smoothly open a dialogue in a conversation with her towards
the end of class one day as prom approached and walked with her to her locker as we talked. She
opened her locker, put some stuff inside, and closed it. It was the last class for the day so she was
getting ready to go home.

As she was putting the lock back on her locker, I finally stopped messing around.

"Hey, do you have a date for prom?", I finally asked her.

"No", she said simply. She didn't seem particularly bothered by it, but she suddenly started looking
me in the eyes with an intensity I hadn't seen from her before.

"Me neither. Can you be my prom date?" I asked boldly. I was returning her gaze, looking her
straight in the eyes.

She seemed almost taken by surprise. She immediately smiled and looked away shyly for a
moment. She returned her gaze back into my eyes before speaking, a smile still on her face. She
spoke visibly flustered.

"Oh... wow... but as friends right?" She managed to get out. It was really cute.

"Of course," I assured her, "We're obviously not dating right now, so we're just friends. I don't expect
anything crazy. I just think you're really cute so I wanted to ask you. I'm not interested in asking
anyone else, so if you don't want to, I'll just forget about it." I comforted her. I didn't know what to
expect, and I was doing it more because I simply didn't want to regret not even trying as opposed to
thinking I'd be at all successful, although I did really want her to say yes.

She started blushing. She looked away for a moment once again before looking at me again and
speaking, still flustered. She was acting a lot cuter than I thought she would by this random
approach of mine.

"Ah... as friends... of course! Yes, of course! Thank you!" I was actually really surprised. I thought I
was about to get rejected. I was feeling stupid for even trying. She had a huge smile on her face.
She seemed really happy and was suddenly acting more shy than she had been while I was casually
talking with her beforehand.

"Great! I should be the one thanking you, I didn't think you'd even say yes! I'm happy. I'll see you
around, okay?" I said, relieved to finally have gotten it over with. I was really happy she'd said yes. I
felt like it really didn't mean much and wouldn't go anywhere, but I felt like a boss because I'd just
randomly approached a girl I'd silently thought was really cute for quite some time and just like that,
even despite hardly having communicated with each other in the past, she agreed to be my prom
date.

When prom came, I wanted to be very mindful of the nature of my connection with Gracia, so I really
didn't expect much. I came with a flower for her. I approached her at her table with her friends,
greeted her, and handed her the flower before I left for my table with my friends. I heard a collective
"oooh" from all her friends at the table as I gave her the flower and a bunch of murmuring as I was
heading to my table. She started blushing as she accepted it and looked shy, flustered by my actions
once again. It was cute. I felt shy after I saw how all her friends looked at me with surprise and
expectation when I handed her the flower, so I didn't bother her after that.

A few days after prom, Gracia's sister added me on Facebook; I recognized her because she had a
resemblance and also had the same last name. She also started talking to me shortly after I added
her and told me she was Gracia's sister. She told me that she hoped me and Gracia would become
closer. I was surprised yet again; I can't imagine her sister randomly doing that unless Gracia had
talked about me to her and expressed desire to become closer with me. I still felt shy about what to
say and do to become closer with Gracia, and despite my desires, high school ended without me
taking things any further with her.

The really interesting part was not only that I ended up seeing Gracia again, but also how it ended
up happening.

A few of my friends from high school went to a university a few hour drive away from where I lived at
the time; a few months after university had started, they wanted to hang out. Gracia went to that
same university as well, although I didn't know that. It just so happened that Kathy also went there,
and when I mentioned to her that my friends wanted to hang out, she told me I could stay in her
room with her. I was quite surprised; I knew we were friendly, but I didn't think she felt that
comfortable with me to want to be alone in her room with me. Still, it seemed exciting to have the
experience, and I wanted to hang out with my other friends too, so I told her I'd make sure I could go
and get back to her.

I had to get an uncle to drive me there, because my mother didn't want to do it since it was too far.
My friends wanted to hang out at night, but my uncle didn't want to drive in the dark, so I had to head
over there early. Kathy was fine with it. She told me exactly the address and building to look for and
then I told her I was on my way.

The drive was long as expected, but finding the place wasn't that hard. I met up with Kathy and we
talked and hung out for a while. She showed me her room. I noticed there was another bed there
and asked her what her roommate was like. She told me that she was the type that partied a lot, and
even mentioned that she'd get frustrated because the girl would bring her boyfriend in the room and
have sex at night and the moaning and noises made it hard to sleep.

After a while with me and her alone in the room together, Kathy surprised me suddenly.

"I'm gonna invite Gracia to come over now," she said nonchalantly as if it was nothing.

"What? Gracia goes here? Why would you call her to your room?!" I was completely caught off-
guard. I thought she was messing with me.

"We're friends. We talk about K-Pop and K-Dramas and stuff. We visit each other's rooms all the
time," she said as she picked up her phone and called Gracia, telling her to come over.

She didn't even mention I was going to be there, and this was the first time I was hearing about this
myself. I was shook. I felt really nervous.

Gracia arrived. She didn't seem as surprised as I thought upon seeing me. We awkwardly greeted
each other. She seemed shy. The sexual tension was too real; I'd never felt it so strongly like that
before. A lot was going through my mind.

We all talked with each other for a while. I really wanted to make some kind of move on Gracia, but
the combination of being caught off guard, knowing we had considerable distance between us, and
knowing that as great as I thought she was, she wasn't my dream girl, made me hold myself back.

Even before I knew Kimi existed, I held back on an amazing girl I really liked and that seemed to
really like me back, because she wasn't Kimi.

Gracia eventually left and me and Kathy were alone together once again.

I was so shaken. I knew I'd think about what had happened quite a bit. The time to hang out with my
friends came and we chilled. I spent hours talking with Kathy that night after; really random stuff too,
I just couldn't sleep and she seemed okay with talking so it just kept going.

Eventually, I fell asleep. The next day, my uncle picked me up and I went home.
Progression

Several years passed. I kept jerking off to Chloe multiple times daily, but my arousal for her never
went away. Even since I started jerking off to Kimi several times a day, I still jerked off to Chloe at
least a couple times a day as well. Nearly ten years later, I was (and still am) jerking off to her at
least a couple times a day, extremely consistently. As I progressed in writing this book, I could see
how significant of a portion of it dealt with her effect in my life. I knew I wanted to be very honest
about things, so I could see that my continued desire for her would effect the situation.

I knew I had to make sure somehow that Chloe knew what I was doing, because if my book has any
kind of significant impact, she'd certainly end up knowing about it, and her life would certainly be
effected. I also wanted to see what kind of feelings she had for me after all these years and if I could
manage to somehow meet her in person at least once more to make sure I personally let her know
the situation is very serious.

I did some looking and figured out she goes to conventions and has booths to sell stuff. I started
sending her messages on Facebook, unsure if she was even reading them. After many messages
and about two months of one-sided communication, I saw an opportunity to meet her at a convention
she stated she'd be attending. I knew I had to make sure that she knew about what I was doing and
give her an opportunity to express her feelings, so I bought a ticket and waited for the day to arrive.

When the day came, I went to the convention location. I showed my ticket and got my arm band
thing to give me access to the room with the booths that I knew Chloe would be in. I waited for the
booth area to open so I could approach her. Shortly after it opened, I sent her a message informing
her I was coming and then headed toward the doors, showed my arm band to the staff, and headed
inside.

Her booth was near the door. I saw her almost instantly. She didn't notice me at first, but we met
eyes as I walked up to her booth. I greeted her with a smile, but her expression was serious.

She said she was completely surprised to see me and didn't know why I was there.

I can't be certain if she was pretending or not, but I doubt she didn't know. She'd posted a list of
conventions she was attending quite some time beforehand, and the convention I was currently at
was not one that was originally listed. She posted that she was going shortly after one of my
messages to her confirming to her that I'd be approaching her at the next convention she'd originally
stated she was going to. Either she randomly spontaneously decided to go to a convention she
hadn't mentioned she was going to anywhere beforehand, or she'd gone because she wanted to get
the confrontation over with. I'd noticed that the convention I went to was considerably smaller than
the one I would've ended up going to if she hadn't attended that one.
Regardless of how hard I found it to believe, I decided it was pointless to try to call her out for lying
or get angry at her. I'd come in the first place because I cared about a positive outcome, and arguing
with her or lashing out at her wasn't going to achieve either of those things. I immediately knew what
I had to do.

I took a moment to collect myself and started explaining how much changed for me since high
school. The fact that I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation with a core value of
refined pure bidirectional apprehension and that I was writing a book where she was mentioned. I
got a pretty short conversation with her for a few minutes where I asked her a bit about how her life's
been since high school and told her the very surface of so many things I'd mentioned to her in many
messages already.

After not very long, a couple staff came up to her booth. She basically told them that I was making
her feel uncomfortable, at which point they told me I should leave her alone. I told her to check her
Facebook messages for many more details and then complied with the request of the staff. I walked
away from her booth and shortly afterwards left the booth area entirely. I sat on a bench outside to
take some deep breaths and think about what to do.

I sent her another message once again stressing the importance that she understands the situation
is very serious and it's not in her best interest to try to ignore it and trivially dismiss it. I encouraged
her to send me some kind of message, even a very simple one, to acknowledge that she'd noticed
I'd been sending her messages and would read them and think about it. I waited over an hour and
nothing.

I realized that I'd spent the little time I had asking her questions about herself and telling her some
details about the situation, but the key factor that she was likely going to be in a very bad situation if
she didn't take things seriously and work towards a positive outcome hadn't been made nearly clear
enough. I hadn't even mentioned to her that I was sending the book to the FBI, CIA, and police. I
also knew that I wanted evidence I'd approached her and warned her things could get very bad for
her if she didn't take things seriously enough, and I hadn't taken any pictures or video of the first
encounter.

I knew I had no interest in any other aspects of the convention, so I knew that I needed to approach
her once more to at least know I'd made the situation as clear as I could, even if it got me kicked out
of the convention. I held my phone up to my chest and started recording. I entered the booth room
again and approached her once more. This time, I wasted no time asking her anything and straight
up just told her that before I left, I wanted to make sure she knew how serious the situation was.
After hardly one minute, a different staff member came over and told me Chloe looked
uncomfortable.
I stepped back and explained to her that I was simply trying to convey a very important message to
Chloe for her own sake. Before leaving, I asked Chloe if she understood what I'd been trying to tell
her; she told me she didn't. The staff member told me that I could tell her about it and she'd relay the
message to Chloe. I walked out of the booth room with the staff member and made sure to explain
the situation to her as clearly as I could. After talking to her for a while, she went and conveyed the
message to Chloe, came back out, and I confirmed with her that she'd at least mentioned the really
important points. She told me Chloe's response was simply, "Okay."

I asked the staff lady that relayed the message if I was kicked out and should leave, to which she
said I wasn't and was free to enjoy the rest of the convention as long as I left Chloe alone. I thanked
her for her effort. I decided to send Chloe another message telling her that I'd be sticking around to
give her an opportunity to talk to me after she was done with her booth for the day, if she thought
about what I'd told her and wanted to talk.

I worked on my book for several hours as the day passed, and the convention ended for the day.
Chloe never approached me, in fact I didn't even see her leave. I was sitting near an entrance and
told her exactly where I'd be, so I knew she'd intentionally avoided me. I thought of leaving and
heading back to a more familiar area to continue work on my book, but I wanted to be certain I'd
given Chloe the best opportunity I could to approach me and talk about things in person; I also
wanted her to know I was serious.

I stuck around until the next morning to see if perhaps she needed the night to reflect and she'd
approach me in the morning, but when I tried to enter the convention building, I noticed there was
now security at the front door and was informed by him that I wasn't allowed to enter. When I asked
him why, he said I'd been kicked out. I'd been inside the convention building nearly until it ended the
previous day and was never told to leave, so I told the man I hadn't been kicked out. He went inside
and asked another staff member, then came back and told me he was sure I wasn't allowed inside.

I left. I decided I'd done the best I could. I was now certain that Chloe knew about my book and that
I'd been sending her messages and I even had evidence I'd approached her and told her about it. I'd
achieved the bare minimum I'd set out to achieve.

I never heard from Chloe.

 Love
Love makes the world go round, or so some say.

I can't say I disagree, but especially from my personal experience, I've found that's certainly not the
whole picture.

It had been 22 years into my life and I had no clue what love really was; I had this notion of feeling
close to someone and caring about them a lot, but had never had the opportunity to really
experience it.

All I really knew was that I was exclusively interested in women, but I had never had a girlfriend. Not
because I never had any opportunities, but because I never felt like I could see myself spending my
life with any women that I could've entered into a relationship with up to that point and I always had
the mentality that I wanted to take any relationship I would enter into very seriously.

I'd recently become a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, something I hadn't been
actively specifically working to achieve, but rather an interesting byproduct of an intense period of
several months of deep reflection on the nature of life and what could possibly be perceived as my
purpose in being on this planet I'd grown to hate so much already at that point.

I've enjoyed playing games from a young age, to the point I thought about combining my coding
skills and love for games to become a game developer, even when my skills were far from sufficient
to even attempt to scratch the surface of that endeavor. As such, I discovered the world of live
streaming and Twitch quite early on in its development. Since it was a place for people who enjoyed
playing games to broadcast themselves doing so, combined with the fact that I didn't care for the
typical methods of finding love, I decided that I'd look for a girl to invest myself into on Twitch.

Yeah, I know, it's not a dating site. So what.

I found several girls on the platform. Some of them had a webcam, others didn't. I never looked for
girls that were trashy. These days, the Twitch scene is considerably more saturated and there are a
lot of more trashy women on the platform. When I was looking through it years ago, however, I never
encountered even one really trashy streamer girl. Some of them weren't horrible but still gave off a
kind of trashy vibe, and those ones I'd never even talk to and leave their stream rather quickly. After
looking through the platform and being around, seeing many streamers, both males I found
entertaining to watch as well as females that I either simply found entertaining to watch or possibly
also had some romantic interest in, I had established a group of women who's streams I checked up
on and watched often.
Of all of those women, there was one that stood out the most by far. Her beauty and charm struck
me as unlike any other woman I'd ever seen. From the first time I saw her, I already felt certain that
she could never be matched by any other woman in the world. Her name is Kimi Park.

At the time I first came across her stream, I followed her but I felt like she was so out of my league
that I couldn't even muster the courage to talk in her chat. This was well before my core value
became refined pure bidirectional apprehension and I became a Permanent Chief of the Shadow
Confederation, so I was still a horrible mess emotionally. Extremely paranoid, depressed, a complete
nervous wreck, and extremely angry with a pretty solid grasp on controlling it but still not a very good
understanding of it or its potential.

I continued to follow her and refrain from any interaction, but gradually, seeing all the cool people on
Twitch growing and becoming more and more successful pushed at my own drive for success that
was already high even further. I became more and more focused on my own goals, which combined
with my already high drive for success coming out of high school, drove me into becoming extremely
hardcore on working on game development, which was what I decided at the time must've been my
calling in life.
Introduction

After doing game development for a couple years, I ended up homeless. After that drove me to do a
lot of reflection and learn many things, I gained a lot of knowledge and confidence and I felt a lot
more competent to interact with Kimi. I started talking in her stream and was quite open and honest
right from the beginning. She clearly noticed me and it always felt better to be talking to her than it
ever felt to talk to anyone else in my entire life by far, even though it was through a text chat on her
screen through the internet.

At that point, I'd already mentioned my philopsychology knowledge to some other streamers, but all
of them seemed more or less put off by it; they all seemed either uninterested because thinking with
depth wasn't something they enjoyed doing, or because they were frightened at what they might
discover given that it's understandably at least a little alarming to most people when you encounter
someone who openly claims to be part of the Illuminati. I was very pleasantly surprised to see that
Kimi actually took a particular interest in understanding her personality when people mentioned she
had a strong personality, and when I offered an explanation, she took very visible interest.

Not very long after I started talking in her stream chat and actually communicating with her, I decided
to subscribe to her. Little did I know that this would be the action that would solidify the beginning of
the most meaningful relationship I've ever had in my life.

Shortly after I subscribed to Kimi, she decided to plan a visit to Toronto, the place I'd already told her
was where I lived, within a few weeks. I was shocked, because shortly before I'd entered her
community, I noticed some tweets she'd made about a very recent visit to Toronto she'd already
made, which I'd missed, and I thought there was no possibility I'd get to meet her in person any time
soon, if ever.

The meetup was exclusive to subscribers.

Mind you, she was coming with her friend Jaime and not alone, but even the first time she'd come to
Toronto, she'd actually come with Jaime as well as another of her really good friends Leslie, so it
couldn't even be argued that she was coming simply to accompany Jaime on her first visit to the city.

I was more excited than I'd ever been in my life.

Kimi was basically coming to visit Toronto just to meet me. I hardly knew the woman and she was
already acting so much like the woman of my wildest fantasies that I was almost unsure what to
even do. I was really nervous, and in a very real way, I didn't even feel ready to meet her. My
appearance was really scuffed, as it's always been my entire life, and mentally I was just starting to
get over the state of severe anxiety that accompanied my previous circumstances as a victim of a
combination of several seriously unfortunate circumstances who had only managed to achieve a
core value of warm indirect bidirectional apprehension, which had left me perpetually a massive
nervous wreck for a very long time.

Although I was worried about how it might turn out, I absolutely knew I had to go to that meetup or I'd
severely regret it for the rest of my life.

I already felt more drawn to her personality than I'd ever felt drawn to anyone ever before. I hadn't
seen her entire body yet at that point, so I didn't know she was actually the most perfectly voluptuous
goddess that I could ever lay my eyes upon, but I knew it was certainly possible. Even the possibility
that the perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies could be eagerly seeking out a
meeting with me upon just starting to interact with me on any kind of regular basis was enough to
make me absolutely convinced that I had to see for myself if my dreams could come true.

Well, I couldn't be happier to say that they absolutely did.

Meeting

The meeting itself has become the happiest memory of my life up to this point, although it was quite
interesting and strange, and certainly not what I expected from it, nor from a memory that so easily
immediately became the happiest memory of my life right after experiencing it. Kimi and Jaime were
about an hour late from the time they were supposed to arrive, and they didn't give us any updates
on what was going on, so we all had to converse among ourselves while we were waiting to see if
they'd even show up at all.

As I was starting to seriously wonder to myself if they'd even show up, suddenly, I saw Kimi show up
from around the corner walking towards the doors to get into the mall. She was already looking at
me the moment I noticed her approaching from behind the doors, and as she entered them, she
walked right up to me without breaking eye contact.

"You're a new face! I haven't seen you before!" she said, then proceeded to give me the best hug
I've ever received in my life to this day.

After Kimi and Jaime finished greeting everyone else, I knew the first thing I had to say to both of
them.

"You Jebaited me! And you Jebaited me!" I said as I pointed to Kimi and Jaime individually.

They both looked at me confused. I proceeded to tell them that they'd been an hour late and we'd all
been waiting so long for them, to which they laughed, and the meetup continued pleasantly. That
was the last thing I said to Kimi for more than an hour.

Shortly after they arrived, Kimi and Jaime told us it was time to go eat food, and we headed to the
place they wanted to eat at. We were a group of more than 15 people and the place was actually
quite busy, so it took quite some time before there was a big enough table free for us to have a spot
to sit at. We waited right outside the establishment the whole time, and we took the opportunity to
talk to each other.

There quickly formed three groups.

There was a circle of which Kimi was a part, a slightly smaller circle of which Jaime was a part, and
a group of a few people that were just chilling and waiting to start eating that didn't really feel like
being part of either circle and just talked among themselves. People moved around a little, but for
the most part, this was how we hung out while we waited to be able to sit and eat.

Somehow, I'm not sure exactly why or how, I ended up in the circle with Jaime. I found her very easy
to talk to and I was having a pleasant time in that circle, and I also felt weird about randomly turning
around and leaving for Kimi's circle, so while I really wanted to talk to Kimi extremely badly, I just
wasn't sure how to go about doing so in a way that felt natural and right, so I decided not to try too
hard to fight it and I resigned myself to having fun in Jaime's circle.

Jaime was very warm and positively receptive to my presence and interaction with her and we had
very pleasant conversation. I was never romantically interested in Jaime, so I wasn't enjoying myself
like that, but she seemed like a very nice person and a good friend. I felt a lot more comfortable than
I thought I would. At the time, I figured she was just being nice, and I myself was certainly just being
nice, but I think it was Jaime's immense warmth, receptiveness, and how easy and pleasant it was to
talk to her that made me ultimately decide to just stay in that circle the whole time.

I was, so to say, quite a spectacle.

I was definitely loud and certainly noticed I was grabbing pretty much everyone's attention at one
point or another with my very outgoing and warm demeanor. I could tell that some people were quite
surprised to see me as lively and outgoing in person as I was, when they probably expected
someone who must've came off as a really edgy and intellectual person to be considerably more
reserved in person. The attention was a little uncomfortable, but mostly it was a new experience and
quite fun, so I enjoyed it considerably and tried my best to soak in the moment.

I turned around and glanced at Kimi a couple times in between talking in Jaime's circle and at times I
noticed her standing aside with individual people. I was so jealous. I wanted to take Kimi aside and
have 1-on-1 conversation with her like that so badly. I felt like I was going crazy, but I knew I had to
play it cool and not seem obsessed, so I casually turned back around and continued to engage in
conversation in Jaime's circle.

At one point, not very long before a table large enough was cleared for us to go in and start eating,
Kimi, Jaime, and their friend Carrie all went to the washroom together. Needless to say, I knew that
they didn't go just to pee, and they certainly must've talked about me.

The time to go into the restaurant to sit down at our table and eat finally arrived. As we walked into
the restaurant, Kimi walked beside me.

"Hey! I saw you go to the washroom with your friends earlier. I feel left out! What did you talk about?"
I said to her excitedly. It was the first thing I'd said to her since the very beginning of the meetup.

"Oh, we just talked about how you need to tone it down," she told me with an expression I
recognized as a smile she was trying to hide with a more serious expression.

"Oh, so I should tone it up then?" I responded and laughed. She wasn't fooling me, she was loving it.

"No..." she said, that distinct expression with a smile attempted to be hidden by a more serious
expression starting to reveal the smile more.
I knew it.

When we got to our table, I noticed Kimi and Jaime stood back, beside each other, and waited for
something. It was a little weird, but I didn't think much of it. I sat down at the table.

Instantly, Kimi started moving. She walked right up to the chair in front of me and sat down, staring
me in the eyes intensely and looking at me expectantly. Jaime took the seat to her right and Carrie
the seat to her left. I looked Kimi in the eyes. I was quite surprised by her intensity, so I wasn't sure
what to say. I still hardly really knew her at the time, and that much interest being expressed by the
woman I found the most dreamy of all in the entire world was quite intimidating to me in the moment.

After we made eye contact for a little while, the intensity became too much for me to handle. I broke
eye contact and turned to my left to talk to the friend I'd made right before the meetup, who had
mentioned in the meetup Discord channel that he'd arrive in Toronto early and was wondering if
anyone wanted to hang out before the meetup, to which I agreed. Shortly after I broke eye contact,
Kimi also stopped looking at me and turned to talk to other people.

After a little while, the waitress came and we all ordered our food. I was hungry, so I was mostly just
chilling and saying a few words here and there to people around me while I waited for my food.

Eventually, I actually started talking to Kimi. I mean, she intentionally sat right in front of me, so what
do you expect?

I brought up core values. I wanted to have a deeper conversation with Kimi instead of a shallow one.

"So you told me on stream you value morals the most, right?" I asked her.

"Well actually..." she was about to change her answer and I knew it.

"Oh, you can't change your answer now, you said morals, I have it clipped!" I interrupted.

She didn't say anything and just looked at me.

"Okay, well that's only one part. The other part is mindset stability. Do you believe you have the
ability to act upon desire independent of conscious or subconscious necessitation?" I asked.

She continued to look at me and just smiled cutely, saying nothing. As I looked her in the eyes,
everything around us seemed to fade for a moment and she was the only thing I saw. It was the
craziest feeling I'd ever felt. Amazing but very scary at the same time. After a little while, I realized
she wasn't going to share an answer.

I turned to Jaime.

"You told me on stream that you value the energy around you the most, right?" I asked her.

"Yeah..." she replied. It was clear she didn't know what to expect.
"What about you? What do you think?" I asked her.

"Can you repeat the question?" she said with a little giggle.

"Sure. Do you believe you have the ability to act upon desire independent of conscious or
subconscious necessitation?" I repeated.

"Hmm... No," she said after thinking for a moment.

"Okay," I told her. I turned back to Kimi.

"If you value morals the most, that means your core value is cold bidirectional apprehension. It's the
third strongest, below warm bidirectional apprehension. Now, this is just a nuance, so don't take it
personally, but from a technical perspective, it means you tend to value yourself more than others," I
told her.

Her expression turned angry. She was clearly upset. I felt bad, but I also knew that if she'd given that
answer on stream, that was the answer she felt was actually the best. I wanted to give her an
evaluation based on what she thought was the best, not based on some answer she'd tried to think
over in her head might be a better one. That was my line of thinking with that, anyway.

I turned to Jaime.

"Energy would put you at warm bidirectional apprehension. It's the second strongest, right under
pure bidirectional apprehension, which is the one I have. It means you tend to value others more
than you value yourself," I told her.

"Wow... That's so true! I always put other people before me!" she told me as her face lit up.

"As for mindset stability," I continued, "Your answer seems to indicate grounded mindset stability.
Most people are at the ungrounded level, so your mentality is considerably stronger than average in
that way too," I told her. She started blushing a little and put her hands on her cheeks.

"Oh my God, flatter me more!" she said with a big smile. It came off flirty. I laughed and continued
eating.

I'd somehow managed to upset the girl I really liked and make the girl I only saw as a friend want to
flirt with me.

Fuck.

Well, it doesn't get worse than that, right?

After I finished chewing another bite of my food, I turned my attention back to Kimi.

"What if I told you I've broken a lot of girls' hearts?" I asked her jokingly.
She looked me in the eyes with a very serious expression.

"I'd believe you," she said, genuinely seeming hurt.

I was instantly shook. I thought it was obvious I wasn't capable of being that way, but she actually
liked me so much and thought so highly of me that she had no trouble believing it was possible. Now
I just came off like a massive douchebag trying to rub it in that I'd broken her heart.

"What if I told you I've never been in a relationship in my life?" I followed up with. I'd actually made it
worse. Oh my God.

"I'd believe you," she said, a very serious expression still on her face.

That was when I knew this girl was really something else.

"What? Come on! You can't believe both! Which one do you actually think is true? You'll just believe
whatever I tell you?" I challenged her. What kind of a position was that? She believes both?

"Whatever you say, that's how you're choosing to present yourself, so I'll believe you," she
responded. She really was something else. Her attitude was surprisingly very sexy.

"Wow... No way," I told her as I turned to Jaime, "Jaime, what would you do if I told you those
things?"

She looked me in the eyes a little shyly, "I'd ask you which one is true," she told me. I looked back to
Kimi.

"See, that's what you're supposed to do. You can't just say you believe whatever! Okay, just so you
know, the truth is that I've never been in a relationship," I continued. It was the truth.

Kimi was silent. She looked upset and hurt. I felt awful.

I stopped talking for a while and ate my food. After a period of silence, I looked back at Kimi.

"Hey Kimi," I said to her. She looked at me with a serious expression.

"After all this, what do you think of me?" I asked her. I was dreaming she'd somehow say something
nice, but I knew I'd made her upset. I wanted to give her an opportunity to be honest and hopefully
see if I could make things better.

"Well, I think you're being really inconsiderate. There are so many people here that want to talk to
me and you're talking to me so much," was what she told me.

Yep, she was definitely hurt. Fuck.

"Oh... Well, I just wanted to try to teach you a little about core values. You can talk to anyone else
you want now," I said. I broke eye contact and stared out the window as I took a bite out of my
hamburger. I felt really bad. I liked her so much and she thought I hated her. This was probably why
I never had a girlfriend, I thought to myself. I saw her in my peripheral vision.

She looked embarrassed and seemed flustered. She blushed and started looking down at the table.
She took out her phone and started messing around on it. After a while, she finally felt comfortable
enough to start talking to the girls beside her once again a little bit, but then she went back on her
phone.

I could see she was uncomfortable and felt pretty embarrassed. She was sitting in front of me after
all, and things had gotten pretty tense between us pretty quickly. This all happened within a few
short minutes. I tried to make things better.

"Hey Kimi," I tried talking to her again. Her face lit up as she took her gaze off her phone and looked
up at me. She gave me these puppy dog eyes and all I could think of was how her expression was
telling me, "Wow... You're talking to me! You're so calm and talking to me! Please be nice... I don't
hate you..."

"Is everything okay?" I asked her. I was genuinely concerned. She looked like she felt pretty bad
about lashing out at me like that.

She nodded, "Yeah," she told me. She looked more comfortable again. I felt a little better.

The rest of the meal went fine. Kimi seemed happier and Jaime was happily talking away to other
people. At least I'd managed not to make them hate me. That was good.

After the meal, we watched a movie. Kimi no Na wa. The story ended really frustratingly, but I guess
the movie was alright overall.

After the movie was over, Jaime started crying. I felt like hugging her and comforting her, but given
the situation, I felt that might've given off the vibe that I was into her and I didn't want to do that.
Besides, this was our first time meeting and we didn't even know each other all that well beforehand
either; it seemed kind of socially inept to be comforting her like that as she's crying when she hardly
knows me. She went to the washroom until she stopped crying. Once she got out, I asked her if she
was okay, and she said she was. We all walked outside.

Some people left early, but the people remaining gathered in a circle. Kimi went one by one and
hugged everyone. When she reached me, she looked me in the eyes with a bittersweet expression
before she went in for a hug. After we let go of each other, we made eye contact once again and she
had the same bittersweet expression on her face. My heart was melting.

"I'll never forget you," she told me. I was shook once again. I knew that was how I felt about her, but
I didn't think it was appropriate to randomly say it to her.
"I'll never forget you either," I responded. I meant it. She looked at me for a moment longer before
moving on to the next person.

After she finished hugging everyone, before she left, I raised my hand and pointed at her.

"You," I declared. She looked at me curiously.

"Can I talk to you alone for a moment please?" I continued. There was something I really wanted to
tell her.

"Sure. Come with me," she responded. Nice, I had my opportunity. We walked away from the group.

"Hey, so uh..." I said a little nervously. She was looking me in the eyes expectantly. The moment felt
warm. I knew I was going to miss her so much.

"I know I said before about your core value not being as strong and stuff..." I continued, still kind of
nervous.

"Oh, I don't care about what's stronger," she told me.

"That's not my point. I just wanted to tell you that it doesn't matter how strong it is. I think your
personality is very attractive. I just really wanted you to know that," I told her. I genuinely meant it. I'd
enjoyed interacting with her so much. She was so cute and her personality was the most attractive
I'd ever encountered. Her body was extremely sexy too, but I felt it was kind of weird to tell her that
after the way our interaction had ended up.

"Oh, stop it..." she said in a tone surprisingly flirty. She gently brushed her hand against my arm.

"I mean it. Seriously. Thanks for meeting me, I'll see you on stream," I said as I nervously started
walking away. I saw her smiling as she started walking back towards the group.

The meetup ended. Everyone started leaving. I saw Kimi turning the corner towards the subway with
some random dude that hadn't even been at the meetup. I was confused, but I wasn't about to go
following her.

I was taking the subway and I wasn't the only one from the meetup doing so. We all went down to
the waiting platform together. There were two people on the other side of the subway line, a man
and a woman with the woman facing her back to us.

"Hey, is that Kimi? I think it's Kimi," someone from the meetup said.

I looked at the woman. The clothes, hair, and butt seemed to add up. I immediately felt really jealous
at the dude. It seemed pretty obvious what they were going to do that night.

The subway I was waiting for arrived and the group got on. I took my last look at Kimi in person as it
started moving away.
Right as the doors to the subway closed and I started my trip back home, I knew I'd never feel the
same again. I'd never felt something like it. I'd just met this woman once, hardly talked to her, didn't
even really spend a moment alone with her, and yet I was already absolutely certain I'd never forget
her and I felt more attracted to her than I'd ever felt to anyone else in my entire life.

I already knew I wanted to marry her.

Rejection

Just like that, I knew that meetup had become by far the best memory of my entire life. I knew that
how miserable my life had been up to that point must've played a significant part in me seeing it that
way, but I also knew that my misery had nothing to do with how pretty and charming I found Kimi to
be. By the time I'd transferred from the subway to the bus and then got off the bus and was walking
home, I already couldn't stop thinking about the warm feelings I had towards Kimi that were
incomparable to anything else I'd ever felt. I knew very clearly I'd fallen completely in love with her.

I decided to tell her as soon as I got home. I hadn't seriously told a girl I love her since the one girl I
was obsessed with in elementary school, and I thought back to it for a moment and remembered far
too clearly how she'd ruthlessly abused my affection for attention from her peers and to cause
drama, then had left me with the clear impression we weren't even friends and she never really loved
me at all, after never even very clearly showing me affection in the first place, and giving me all kinds
of trouble.

That absolute mess had lasted four long years and I told myself I'd never let it happen again. At the
same time, I knew Kimi was once in a lifetime, and I already knew even back then that she was by
far the most attractive woman I'd ever seen in my entire life, so when combined with how she'd
basically flirted with me every time we interacted in that meetup, I knew I'd regret it forever if I didn't
give things my best shot with her.

I got myself 2 large coffees on the way home; I knew I wasn't going to sleep that night. When I got
home, I hopped straight onto my computer and tweeted to Kimi that I love her. I mentioned it in the
Discord channel in Jaime's server that was created for the meetup. I messaged Kimi on Snapchat
with a picture of it to make sure she knew.

"??? LOL" was her exact initial response.

It hurt, but I knew that it only made sense; after all, our interaction in person was quite strange, and
she probably figured that I would've told her in person when I had the chance if I was serious,
instead of being so distant. In a way, I wished I'd told her in person, but somehow there was just
never a moment in that meeting where it felt right to say it.

When combined with how much of an idiot I would've felt like if I'd told her in person, undoubtedly
got shot down literally instantly, and then end up seeing her leave with some random guy to have a
one night stand the way I had, I figured it was actually a lot more meaningful to be saying it
afterwards and regardless of having seen that, even if it wasn't in person. I tried to get to meet her in
person the next day, which I knew she'd still be in Toronto for, but unsurprisingly she didn't go for it.
I knew I couldn't give up so easily. This was an extremely desirable woman, and I knew that she
must know it and not be willing to date someone so easily. I messaged her via Discord DMs to try
again. She shot me down again, even harder and more clearly, and it hurt even more.

Somehow though, something about it felt off. It felt very different from that girl in elementary school;
Kimi came off like she actually was interested in me, but simply didn't think I'd ever try hard enough
for it to make sense for her to actually date me. She was being way sweeter in rejecting me than I
expected, and so I decided that I wasn't going to give up.

The day after I first talked to Kimi in Discord DMs to tell her I love her, for the very first time, she had
an entire 4 hour stream where she just sat down and talked about stuff. Not just any stuff either; it
had to do with dating and relationships. It was very unusual for her content. I tried talking to her
about it in Discord DMs the next day, but she denied it was because of me, and instead said that it
was because her best friend, Leslie, had been talking on stream that she decided to do it.

Yeah, as if Leslie wasn't talking on stream because Kimi went and talked to her about what I'd said
right after our previous conversation had ended. It was pretty transparent to me, so I didn't push her
to admit it.

From the beginning when I started talking to Kimi, I expressed my feelings towards her. I'd already
started writing her walls of text by the second message I ever sent her, the same one that had
prompted those initial hours of chatting on stream. I thought she'd ignore me or tell me I was being
weird and needed to calm down or something, but she was always surprisingly warm and responsive
to me. I was very surprised when she responded to me opening up to her about having quickly
deepening feelings for her by opening up to me about her own personal experience with a bad
relationship she still hadn't gotten over and telling me personal things.

I really wanted to believe it, but for some time I thought she'd lied to me just to have an excuse not to
accept my advances. Her vague responses to what she was looking for in a partner left me thinking
she was just being very nice about wanting me to calm down and back off. It really hurt, but I knew
she was right when she told me that you can't force love and it has to be a mutual feeling. I knew I
didn't want to force something on her she really didn't want, so I didn't even question her about the
authenticity of such a person existing that had broken her heart in the past.

Much later, I came to learn that it was indeed real because I managed to learn who it had been,
which only added another layer of depth to a connection that was already so deep at that point.
Luckily, in the end it doesn't seem it's going to be an issue. Anyways, back to the story.

Throughout the next almost year, I'd attend literally every single stream Kimi ever had and I'd try to
be as active and lively in her stream chat as possible. I had a lot of fun and she'd often notice my
messages. I kept DMing her on Discord too and she'd always respond somehow. She was in a very
real way distant, but the fact that she was even responsive at all was very pleasantly surprising to
me. It was never a short dismissive answer either; I could see she always cared about what I was
saying and how she was responding.

Talking to her always made me really happy. Nothing could compare. I gradually became more and
more drawn to her.

Eventually, our connection started to feel increasingly serious, but I was also getting increasingly
mixed signals from her. Towards the end of that year, Kimi did "sub speed dating" for the first time. It
felt way too weird to me for me to participate, but I tried talking to her about it after in DMs and told
her that I think we should talk.

She said that she didn't think we need to talk at all and that she was happy being distant friends
because that's all she ever wanted to be with me.

I sent her a couple final messages.

I told her that if she meant what she told me, I couldn't remain a part of her life any longer. I knew I
very clearly had very strong romantic and sexual feelings towards her and I could never accept
being just friends, much less such distant ones. I wished her the best in life and told her I felt like I
must just be bothering her at that point so I'd leave her alone and never talk to her again.
Return

I was devastated. I had trouble eating and sleeping. I felt like my life was over. I'd found the love of
my life, she'd been so warm to me and made me so happy, and she'd just been messing with me. I
felt completely torn apart.

As terrible as I felt though, I was so used to feeling terrible every day of my life that I simply moped
in bed for a couple days, and then I started feeling extremely upset and unproductive. Who was this
girl that she thought she could do this to me? What, just because she's really pretty and famous?
Still, something inside me told me that I'd done well and she just needed some time to miss me.

I decided to work on developing a MapleStory private server codebase and see where I'd get with
that as I waited to see if Kimi might change her mind. I went right back to my usual schedule of
busting my ass working 12+ hour days coding all day.

I hardly watched Kimi's stream anymore. I never watched them beginning to end anymore; I was so
in love with her already and it was so painful to remember what I was so scared I'd lost. One day, I
randomly tuned into a stream for a little while, like I did occasionally just out of curiosity.

It didn't seem like anything special was happening at first. I thought I'd close out of it within a few
minutes at most like usual. Then it happened. All of a sudden, the mood changed, and Kimi started
looking really tired, sad, and as if she was about to cry. I'd never seen her like that. She proceeded
to start moping and saying she needed motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning.

She said she felt like she pushed away the people she liked, and expressed deep regret, saying "It
doesn't have to be this way guys, don't do something you're going to regret". She'd never dated
anyone, at least not publicly, and it was very hard for me to imagine her publicly moping about a
secret relationship she didn't want anyone to know about.

I was shaking from excitement. I felt certain she was trying to send me a message. I knew that I
could be wrong, but I sure as hell knew I wanted to be right, and if I was, there was no way I could
possibly ignore what had just happened. I remained patient for the rest of the stream, then I decided
to start talking again in her Discord server not very long after the stream ended.

I didn't specifically try to get her attention, I just talked in general like normal, not even mentioning
what I'd just witnessed that had brought me back. I knew it must be a sensitive topic for Kimi, and I
wanted to be considerate and not come off aggressive and eager to start drama.

The next day, she streamed again, and she suddenly seemed a lot happier and as if everything was
fine, like she hadn't just had a mental breakdown on stream just the previous day. I talked in her
stream chat and everything seemed fine, like I hadn't just completely disappeared for nearly 2
months and returned right after that mental breakdown. It was just so nonchalantly there, and it was
driving me crazy.

I directly mentioned her on Discord and told her I added her as a friend and she should add me back
because we need to talk. I waited several hours and nothing. I publicly stated that if Kimi was going
to be unresponsive after what I'd seen, I was going to go off on her in public. She remained
unresponsive. I'm a person of my word, so I did as I said.

I went off on her in her Discord server, mentioning her multiple times in a row, stating how I'd tried so
hard to grow closer to her and how she meant so much to me that I saw her as a goddess, and I
truly couldn't handle just being distant friends. I thought of mentioning the mental breakdown I'd seen
the previous day, but I knew how she'd handle it; if she even addressed it, she'd deny it was even
about me, even though it obviously was, and then try to make me look like an idiot for drawing the
conclusion she obviously wanted me to draw.

Well, after a little while of a few people questioning me and my character for writing the messages
that I did, I got banned from Kimi's Discord and stream chat.
Arguing

Thus started a period of surprise after surprise, essay after essay, drama after drama, and my
perpetual stress over what our connection could actually become, what it even currently was, and
trying to determine if Kimi was the best thing or the worst thing that had ever came into my life. This
was a very intense period that made me quite uncomfortable over it most of the time, but there were
also some times where it was fun too if I'm being completely honest, and it certainly felt really
satisfying whenever I saw a very significant reaction from Kimi that expressed considerable warmth
towards me.

Shortly after my outburst in Kimi's Discord server that got me banned from it, she posted a picture of
herself on Twitter where she was staring intensely into the camera with a passionate expression I'd
never seen from her before. It wasn't anger or sadness, but it was clearly very serious and seemed
filled with intent. It kind of reminded me of the way she looked at me when she sat right in front of me
when we went to eat during her Toronto meetup, but it was more passionate.

I checked the comments, and all I remember was the comments mentioning her looking like she's in
love. I was shaken once again. This only even further intensified my confusion and how upset I was
about the extremely mixed signals she was giving me, but I knew I was so deeply in love already
that the hope it gave me meant I had to keep trying to see if a relationship between us could ever
work.

Kimi kept playing romantic music pretty much every stream.

She'd do it both when I'd send her a message or start drama, and even well after. It never stopped,
no matter what kind of message I sent her or how long of a period of time there was in between my
messages. She ended up mentioning a "love of her life" on more than one occasion, right as drama
between me and her reached certain intense points and I had to send some very harsh messages to
her in her Discord server. No matter how cold some of my messages were, she always kept saying
and doing just enough that I felt compelled to keep going, and I never stopped feeling like she was
actually secretly enjoying it a lot.

Even when I doubted if she actually loved me, I knew that there was certainly something about her
that made her secretly enjoy the kind of connection we had, and although for quite some time that
didn't lead me at all to believe that she must have loving feelings towards me as a result, as time
passed and she continued, it started feeling more and more likely.
Exposing

Because she was being so indecisive and leaving me so conflicted and upset, I decided I had to do
something more than just send her messages. Our connection and it's potential to be something
amazing always meant a lot to me, and I knew I had to prove that to her very clearly in a way that
simply sending her more messages in the same fashion I'd already been doing was no longer
enough.

I happened to notice that Ice Poseidon had guests on his streams a lot, and he pretty much
encouraged it with his style of streaming and how he even had the CX Network where he was
regularly recruiting people and helping them establish a following using his own. I decided that going
to LA and stream sniping Ice was the best approach to take in order to try to expose my connection
with Kimi and be able to see how she'd react and if it was doomed to fail or if it could actually
become something very meaningful.

At this point, Leslie was still accepting messages from me to pass on to Kimi. I told her about my
plan to go stream snipe Ice and expose everything. I guess that at first, they thought I wasn't serious
at all, but Kimi actually responded receptively. She seemed to have no issues encouraging me to do
it if I actually had the courage to do it, and this was quite exciting for me because I knew I had every
intention of doing it. As I saw Kimi encouraging me to do it, I made it more and more clear to Leslie
through my messages to her that I was going to do it. I shared with her more details about my plan,
including even Ice's exact address at the time which I was going to visit.

I gave Leslie my phone number to give to Kimi if she had any desire to stop me in the case that she
didn't love me and didn't want me to go through with this, because it was going to have
consequences that would not be good if she didn't intend to end up with me and I knew that. I
waited, got no messages, got no texts or calls, and I considered this a green light to go through with
my plan. Leslie actually blocked me at this point, meanwhile Kimi continued to push me to do it. I
understood that Leslie simply didn't want to encourage me to do something that I may not want to do
and she knew it could end badly so I suppose I could understand that she didn't want to support
such a questionable situation that could end up really badly and because of that I wasn't angry at her
even right after seeing her do that. She no longer felt like she could handle the pressure that was
building in the situation; understandable enough.

My rent term at the place I was living at was about to expire, so I figured it was the perfect time to
throw away most of my useless possessions, trim down everything important I own down to a single
backpack, and end the year off by making a trip to LA, stream sniping Ice, and calling out Kimi for
the extremely mixed messages that she was sending me in our relationship. Very shortly after Leslie
blocked me, Mickey messaged me on Twitter and he told me that he wanted to help me out, so I'm
left under the impression that Kimi must've told him that I'd lost contact with Leslie and requested he
start helping pass on messages. I started sharing my feelings and intentions with Kimi through
Mickey past that point.

I informed her as I was leaving for my flight, when I landed in LA, and even approaching right before
I actually stream sniped Ice. I gave her plenty of time and opportunity to contact me beforehand, and
she didn't contact me in any way. This I took once again as the green light to go full speed head,
stream sniping Ice and calling her out live for the roughly 20,000 people watching. As it became
completely clear that Kimi had no intention to ask me to stop as far as stream sniping Ice, I got
ready, looked myself in the mirror and prepared to do what I was about to do, and got an Uber.

I was really excited throughout that car ride, and I had to try pretty hard to stay calm. After all, I was
heading to an internet celebrity's house to call out another internet celebrity that I still consider to this
day to be my soulmate. I made small talk with my Uber driver as you usually do and within a few
minutes I had reached Ice's house. I could immediately tell that I was at the right place, as I instantly
recognized the exterior of the building. The lights were on and I could see nobody inside in the
kitchen or living room areas through all the clear glass windows at the front of the house.

As I approached the front of Ice's house, I sat at the table in the porch and I tuned into his stream.
He was live he was messing around as I expected, so I figured that I should probably give him a
donation to get his attention to get him to come to the door. So I dropped him $25 USD and I told
him I was waiting outside his house because I wanted to talk. He seemed to miss that donation
entirely, so I sent another one. I read the second one, but he didn't come to the door. I talked in his
Discord server and sent him another donation telling him that I'm right outside his house, but he still
didn't come to the door. I rang the doorbell a couple times.

I checked the stream, but it didn't seem like I could actually hear the doorbell, but I mentioned in
Discord that I'm right outside the house and literally a couple people told me to try just straight up
opening the door. Sounded extremely stupid to me, but I figured hey what the hell maybe his door is
actually open, so I turned the door knob and to my surprise the door was actually unlocked. After I
jumped in excitement for a moment, I realized that now it was my chance. I saw Ice mention that he
was going to the studio to record some rap, and he was going to do that in a couple hours so at that
point I knew it was now or never. After I got over my excitement that the door was open and I was
about to stream snipe Ice successfully after I traveled a six hour flight to LA to be able to do so, I
walked in, closed the door behind me, and I made my way to Ice's room.

I had an idea of where Ice's room was from watching past streams, and I was pretty sure I'd found it
pretty quickly, but I wanted to make sure and I still didn't know if there was anyone else home, so I
was a little worried. I made my way through the living room area and down the hallway for the
bedrooms. As I went straight down the hallway, to my right was a room with a door closed that I was
pretty certain was Ice's room, and I could hear him inside so I very quickly realized it was indeed his
room. At this point, I briefly glanced to the hallway at my left and I noticed that all the doors along it
were open and nobody else seemed to be home. I didn't want to waste any time, and I was really
excited to finally get to do what I'd come to do, so I swung open the door to Ice's room.

"Hey bro, what's up?" I told Ice as I barged into his room. He was definitely surprised and he pretty
much instantly turns the camera to face me, then asked me who the hell I am.

I definitely caught Ice off guard, and he actually mentioned it to me that I should've knocked
beforehand. In retrospect, I realized that he was right and I probably should have knocked before
entering, but everything worked out, overall he was pretty chill and in the end he gave me almost an
hour of time on his stream and he was pretty respectful for the most part. He was obviously curious
about why I was there, what I was doing, my goals... He was even very willing to give me quite a bit
of attention; he went as far as to insist on sending Kimi a tweet on my behalf, telling her that she
should meet me. After we talked for a good while, a couple of Ice's friends came in and eventually I
was escorted out.

Overall, it was really fun and interesting.

I got my message out there and I achieved what I set out to do in coming to LA on that trip. As I said,
I was in contact with Kimi through Mickey, and I continued to send her messages afterwards asking
to meet her while I was in LA and then later as she seemed to express that she was upset that our
relationship seemed to be over, I continued to send her messages telling her that I still love her and
that I was maintaining that as I had told her before, I went to stream snipe Ice's stream not out of
hatred but that I just wanted her to give me attention and acknowledge my love for her and that I had
meant what I said and I still wanted to make things between us work.

The year ended that way.

Inadequate

I thought that was it and I'd end up going into isolation not very long after this year started, but Kimi
continued to show me warmth. I was just shocked at first and didn't know how to react.

At the beginning of this year, Kimi started expressing that she likes to talk out issues she has with
people and she started making it seem that she was missing me and she wanted to try to make
things better. After I started sending a few more messages, one of the messages I sent just rapidly
started evolving and becoming larger and larger, and before I knew it I was writing the beast that has
now become The International Ultimatum. It took me more than 2 months to finish The International
Ultimatum, and the whole time, I would make several changes, proofread the whole thing, send Kimi
a revised update telling her what I changed, and she would proceed to communicate her thoughts
and desires further in her following streams. In that way, I worked through The International
Ultimatum with Kimi's input.

After 10 revisions, it was finally complete. I dropped it by starting drama in her Discord server, and I
also mentioned it in Ice's Discord server. Surprisingly, it was actually removed from Ice's Discord
server faster than it was removed from Kimi's. After that, Kimi continued to communicate that she
wanted to take things more seriously with me in the near future, to which I continued to respond
warmly to and contemplate on and communicate with her that I wanted to happen. After a little while
of that though, she basically told me that she wasn't going to do it, and this left me very sad and
angry but I knew that I still love her and I still wanted to see what I could do to possibly make the
situation work. After this point, I decided that instead of just sending her messages through Mickey, I
had to start making lengthy blog posts on my website that I would post publicly and allow anyone to
view.

I was already using a completely custom website system that I coded from scratch myself, but it
didn't have a blog set of functionality, so the first thing I did was I coded an entire set of blog related
functionality so my website supported having a blog. It didn't take very long nor was it particularly
difficult, and before I knew it I had a blog on my website along with everything else. I started to post
lengthy blog posts about things I was thinking on my mind, largely messages that I wanted Kimi to
read and think about and hopefully respond positively to. She continued to react, albeit low-key like
usual, but regardless was continuing to communicate her thoughts and desires to me through her
stream.

So at this point, I'd tried so hard, communicated so much, spent hours and hours every single day
for almost the last 3 months writing by far the biggest thing I'd ever written in my life, and Kimi
literally just laughed in my face and basically told me, "Nope, you got fucked, gottem". Holy shit was I
mad. I seemed to have gotten absolutely nowhere with all of my efforts, so I decided that perhaps
instead of being so hopeful that things would work out, it might be a better approach to simply give
up and move forward from there. I started contemplating on and writing about how I was going to
destroy the world by going into full meditation soon, explaining my plan in considerable detail on
what I was going to do.

I started to feel extremely disrespected and simply inadequate to end up being with Kimi, and I
figured that it must simply be my fate to single-handedly destroy the world in the future, considering
that I already knew I absolutely needed Kimi in my life forever or I was certainly going to head down
that path, and I didn't think Kimi was going to contact me ever. I gave her until the end of July to
contact me if she had any intention to do so and told her clearly that if she didn't, I was going to give
up. She kept communicating, kept reacting, kept showing me affection throughout all of July, and
somehow she managed to make me decide not to just completely give up even though she didn't
contact me by end of July, and she instead convinced me to give her until the end of the year.

I wasn't content simply waiting for the year to pass though. I spent my time mostly in deep
contemplation and reflection, wondering what my chances of her reaching out to me really were, and
what I could possibly do in order to maximize my chances, so if I didn't get what I wanted, I could at
least enter that complete isolation and proceed to start meditating to destroy the world with no
regrets.

After much thinking, I eventually realized that what I had to do was write this book. I communicated
to her about it.

The reason why sharing revisions of The International Ultimatum with Kimi made sense is because it
was a heavily emotionally involved piece that was written mostly just to try to prove I love Kimi and
elaborate on what exactly that entailed, where Kimi's view and feedback very significantly framed the
overall message and impact that someone reading it in it's entirety could take away from it; being
able to see her reactions to how I felt allowed me to better elaborate on feelings I hadn't already
expressed clearly.

This book is much less about feelings and much more about facts and practical outcomes of
possibilities. As a result, I initially thought any input Kimi could give seems most likely repetitive and
already covered, on top of ultimately inconsequential because my position won't change no matter
what she thinks, says, or does about it; as a result, I thought the feedback she'd feel obligated to
give would effectively just be distracting and stressful to deal with in an unhelpful way.

If I'm willing to be understanding about everything we've been through so far, I can't possibly not be
understanding if she needs to wait to read this book before making her decision, but I won't be
understanding if the book is released and she reads it and just continues to only fuck around with the
idea of dating me instead of actually seriously pursuing it and achieving it before the end of this year.
After reading this book and reflecting on it deeply, Kimi should be able to decide on her position very
firmly, and as a result should only desire to express it very clearly. I'm not setting this deadline
simply out of anger, rather it's a very rationally thought out position that's as appropriate as it gets.

I told it to her simply but effectively: I'm not choosing to be silent because I'm giving up; I'm working
hard in silence so I can let my success make the noise.
Reversal

As far as I'm concerned, Kimi very clearly has very strong feelings for me. It may seem questionable
to others what her feelings towards me are, but I have an immense amount of trouble believing she
doesn't actually love me a lot. Like, to the point that I feel certain she's touched herself thinking
about me.

I actually have Kimi's personal email address. Not her PayPal email. Not her business email. Not her
manager's email. Not some throwaway spam email. This is her main personal email; you're not
going to find it anywhere randomly on the internet. Don't worry about how I got it. Know that I've
confirmed to both Mickey and Celine that I have it.

After I started communicating to Kimi that I was writing a book and that I thought I should just give
her space since I felt she wanted me gone, she was persistent to get my attention. She acted in
such a way that made me feel strongly that she'd feel abandoned and deeply hurt if I didn't continue
communicating with her.

I've been emailing her regularly since August 29th. I know she reads my messages. She's been
reactive on stream every time. I decided to start sending her emails because as I was distancing
myself from her to write my book in silence because I felt like she didn't want me to bother her
anymore and I told her that's what I was going to do, she started to act crazy and play music on
stream expressing intense affection and making me feel very clearly that she didn't want me to
distance myself from her like that. I felt touched and I knew I didn't want to leave her scared and
hurting.

I didn't actually want to distance myself from her, I'd simply thought I had to do so because I was
trying to be considerate to her. I thought I was just being creepy with all my communication through
Mickey and she wanted me to stop; just shut up, write my book, release it, and go into isolation and
leave her alone so she could enjoy the remaining couple years of society before the world ends.
When I saw her wanting me to keep communicating with her, it made me certain I had to keep trying
to make our relationship work.

It felt wrong to simply send her mundane messages though, so I decided I had to start really opening
up to her in a way I hadn't before. There was only one thing I could think of. I had her personal email
address. I had used that same email to send her The International Ultimatum on its final revision,
and I decided that it was now time to start sending her messages to that email instead of
communicating to Mickey, and this time the messages I would send her would be very personal and
intimate and opening up to her about every single thing that I ever wanted to say to her that I hadn't
felt comfortable saying before because our communication hadn't been direct.
My first message to her was an extremely intimate message where I told her about all my sexual
desires and interests. It was very personal and very intimate. I went as far as to explicitly tell her how
many times I jerked off to her that day, along with including dick pics. I told her I wanted to send her
intimate messages every single day from then on, until she either starts dating me officially before
the end of the year, or I end up giving up on humanity and go into complete isolation at the start of
next year to start meditating using quantum energy harvesting techniques to destroy the world.

I wanted to be very considerate to the fact that she might've found such a message creepy, so I told
her there were multiple ways she could communicate to me, directly or indirectly, that she didn't like
it. She could email me back and tell me to stop. She could block me on Twitter. She could simply
express generally feeling creeped out on her following stream and I'd get the message. She chose to
do nothing of the sort, and instead remained seemingly receptive, so I continued to send her
messages. They continued to be very intimate and involving both updates on my progress as well as
sexual things. I'd mention how much I'd touched myself to her that day; pretty much always at least
six times.

After a few days, I still hadn't gotten any direct response from her, and even what I was interpreting
as receptive behavior from her on stream I recognized could be considered vague and most other
people would probably tell me I'm just seeing what I want to see. I started feeling creepy and I didn't
like it, so I decided to stop sending her emails and just work on my book and see what happens.
One day passed and nothing, but the following day, she started her stream playing a song
expressing that she wasn't sure if I was gone but she just wanted me to come back to her. Yeah,
less than 48 hours without sending her an intimate message literally including telling her about how
much I'm touching myself to her, and she already started crying out for me to come back to her and
keep sending her messages.

That's definitely not a coincidence.

I found it confusing that she wanted me to keep going but didn't want to actually message me back
directly, but I love her with all of my heart and I knew I had to try to discern the truth further. I
immediately wrote up an email for her, and this time I told her something subtle but specific that she
could do if she wanted to communicate to me that she wanted to intentionally turn me on, telling her
I'd jerk off to her even more than usual if I saw her do it the following stream. I decided that if she
actually did it, I should no longer feel creepy sending her intimate messages and instead just happily
do so from that point forward, regardless of if she directly responded to me or not.

She did it. Not just once either; she actually went in and very clearly showed me she wanted to turn
me on a lot, doing it multiple times in a single stream sometimes even, during following streams
since. Hearing from me that she actually turned me on a lot and I jerked off more than usual to her
when she did it seems to have turned her on, and that makes me very happy.

I've been sending her emails regularly since she responded that way, and she continues to be warm
to me and receptive to the messages. I know I'm sending these emails to the right place too,
because her little account picture shows up on stream as she's logged into Google Chrome, when
she pulls up clips on stream to react to them. That's the same account picture that I see on Gmail for
the email I'm sending messages to.

I've mentioned other things she could do since, which she's also done. She's also enjoyed when I
told her how much I liked it too. She's even went above and beyond things I've asked her in her
attempts to turn me on and make me feel good.

Some may notice that recently, Kimi's been making strange sounds and literally moaning
sometimes. When she does it, I see her chat filling with people spamming question marks and
people telling her to stop. You know why? I told her I really like her voice and it turns me on. I didn't
even ask her to moan; she just decided to start moaning because she wanted to turn me on.

That's just one example.

Kimi's the perfectly voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies and I love her with all of my heart
and I absolutely need her in my life forever. Don't think that I don't know darker or more private
things about her either when I consider her so highly. I'm not putting her on a pedestal, I simply
recognize the immense value that she has in my life and have no issue very clearly expressing it.

I know Kimi very well, including her negative attributes, and I still feel this way about her.

I know her actual core value used to be warm indirect bidirectional apprehension. I've watched her
grow since I first met her with all the things I've taught her and she's now somewhere between cold
bidirectional apprehension and refined pure bidirectional apprehension. I know that she fronts
refined pure bidirectional apprehension (she used to front cold bidirectional apprehension when she
first met me, just one way I changed her), making her a sociopath by technical standards as
understood by philopsychology by what is known as a core value presentation mismatch if she
doesn't end up dating me as there's no even possibility that it's actually her core value if she took
this connection with me this far without loving me and intending to end up being with me. Even if she
does end up being with me, I still can't be instantly certain her core value is refined pure bidirectional
apprehension. I don't care.

I know she has borderline personality disorder. For me to have gotten this far with her in this way,
she definitely has some struggles she's been dealing with. She opened up to me very early on and
while perhaps she didn't know what it was called, I'm pretty sure she knew something was off. Her
honesty, courage, and effort to care so much to heal shows me what I can't help but see as her
having immense appreciation for having me in her life.

I know she has ADHD. She's talked about it on stream a little, but even before then, I suspected
something of the sort. Just like borderline personality disorder, this isn't something that can't be
managed and perhaps even eventually healed with the proper core value transitioning. Even without
a super long attention span, she can still be an extremely loving person and this would never be a
deterrent for me in loving her.

I know she has herpes. I knew long before she sort of half-jokingly admitted it on stream. I can tell
that she's very insecure about it and feels she's worth less because of it, but I don't care about it at
all. I know that many celebrities have it, and even a lot more normal people have it than you'd think.
Since the sores don't have to be present for transmission, it's not very difficult to catch it.
Regardless, the kind of pleasure Kimi could give me in a loving relationship with tender intimacy
would be so great that I'd gladly get herpes from her without any hesitation nor second-guessing. If
she decides to date me, I'd already want to kiss her the moment I meet her again at the airport, and
I'd probably get herpes right there, but I wouldn't even be thinking about it at all.

I know she's promiscuous and has one night stands. I know she's had sex with many people. I know
she's had secret relationships while I've known her. I don't care about any of these things. I've told
her before; I don't care what she's done in the past; if we start dating, what I care about is how she
treats me moving forward. As long as she stops messing around with other people once she gets
together with me, she could've banged thousands of people before choosing to spend her life with
me and I don't give the slightest shit about it. Loyalty is loyalty; she only has loyalty to maintain with
me after actually starting to date me, not before. Whatever she did before is her own business. If
anything, I'm glad she had her fun and got it out of her system, so she's not curious or overly thirsty
for it anymore and instead can appreciate the sensual nature of tender affection with a single person
that she has a very deep and meaningful connection with.

I know that as much as I know about her, there are certainly things she's kept hidden from me,
because she likes to hide things and portray herself as an angel as much as possible to the general
public. I'm not completely certain what these things may be, but I know that if I'm already okay with
all the things I do know about her, none of these things at all should change how I feel about her.

I've literally told her she could have a penis (which I highly doubt to be clear; I'm mentioning this to
prove a point) and although that's not something I've ever hoped for, even that wouldn't change my
position and I'd still love and accept her as she is. I absolutely mean that.
Soulmate

I've never been so foolish as to genuinely assert nor believe for even a moment that Kimi's incapable
of pursuing and obtaining a relationship with someone other than myself. She's very clearly an
individual who holds attributes, both physically and mentally, that would be desirable to many.
However, knowing her quite well, I'm in a position to assert that it takes an individual of a very
specific core value and mentality to truly be able to fully recognize, accept, appreciate, and respect
the person that I choose to believe and assert that she is deep inside.

As a result, while acquiring a relationship in general wouldn't be something difficult at all for Kimi to
achieve, it would be extremely difficult for her to obtain one with sufficient quality and depth such that
it would be both very viable and very pleasant to very seriously consider extending to become a
lifelong partnership with anyone other than I. If one is to believe the concept of a soulmate truly
exists and is obtainable within one's lifetime, such a concept holds no greater potential for validity in
the lives of Kimi and I than in the connection that we share.

Kimi probably currently feels extremely insecure and has convinced herself she's already lost me,
but I swear on my life she hasn't lost me yet, and she won't unless she doesn't start officially dating
me before the end of this year. If she does lose me in the end, not only does she lose the most
valuable and loving romantic connection she could ever have in her entire life, she's also going to
end up losing whoever she abandons me for, along with her friends, family, sanity, and overall will to
live. She has a personality where she's quick to pity herself and try her best to cope, so she might
not recognize things this way yet, but I'm absolutely certain she'll start to see it more and more
clearly as time goes on, and I can only hope it doesn't happen when it's already too late for her to do
something positive about it to change the direction she's currently heading in.

Kimi needs to understand that she is currently having her ego massively overinflated by letting the
support of her friends and community, combined with the flattery I'm giving her by chasing her so
passionately and being honest in saying on multiple occasions that I find her to be the most perfectly
voluptuous goddess of my wildest fantasies, result in her having a very false sense of superiority
over me, and she needs to wake up. The reality is that while I'm willing to be very understanding and
fair towards her because I want an extremely loving, affectionate, and healthy relationship that we
can both see and work towards lasting the rest of our lives, we're actually on much more even
ground than it may seem to most people in terms of what we have to offer each other. We both have
a lot of deeply loving affection, sexual satisfaction, and professional progress to offer each other, far
greater than what anyone else could ever give us.

Think about this for a moment. Right now, I'm a single person with no really acknowledged global
presence, fighting against Kimi, her friends, her community, and pretty much the entire world, all at
the same time, and I'm quite certain she can already tell she's getting quite concerned about how
things may end up. Imagine when this book is finished and I start making waves and building more
of a following, very likely comprised of at least some very dangerous people, how scared she's going
to be.

Even then, the fear is just the beginning, because the only reason the fear is even there in the first
place is because there is very good reason to be afraid, because it's the actions that will certainly
follow, which will be very harmful if Kimi ends up establishing herself as my biggest enemy who was
actually doing all of what she did out of unrestrained malicious intent, which will actually be where
things get terrifying. I'm not saying this because I want her terrified, I'm saying this because I truly
love her with all of my heart and I've always wanted to prevent any bad things from ever happening
to her.

I suppose it'll take this book being released for her and everyone around her to more fully realize and
be able to internalize everything.

Kimi was fortunate enough to start seeing results from her professional efforts very early on,
consistently see more results from her continued efforts as she progressed, and be placed in an
environment from the beginning that constantly facilitated her growth by regularly providing her with
opportunities to connect and make value exchanges with other parties. This is why the kind of
approach I'm taking with writing this book would never work for her. But I'm in the entirely opposite
position; while Kimi succeeded with all the odds in her favor, I've succeeded in even reaching the
position to write this book in the first place going against all the odds.
Committed

It seems to me like Kimi clearly has feelings for me, but she also seems to clearly want me to be
questioning it perhaps even to an unhealthy level, and I need to make it as clear as I can to her that I
don't like nor appreciate the latter portion of her feelings and desires.

There must be something negative she's holding on to that's leaving her feeling insecure and leading
to this hurtful behavior. I hope she'll see before it's too late that it's unhealthy and she needs to let go
of it and start having a healthy relationship with me. Continuing to act so destructive will leave us
both miserable and the world being destroyed. I'm not trying to be scary or mean, but seriously, this
isn't a game. I love her more than words can describe.

Whatever I did that hurt her, I'm sorry. I'm genuinely really sorry. For all of it. I've meant it every time
I said that I always just wanted a healthy loving relationship with her. We've had a really rough
connection and I truly want nothing more than to make things right. I only want to be kind and loving
to her in the future. She's everything to me.

I know for certain that if I have to leave her alone for years and go into isolation, any chance at a
healthy relationship between us is completely gone. Destroying the world will be the only thing I'll be
left driven to do. Things have to get better between us while they still can before the end of the year,
otherwise there's truly no way this could ever work, and it's only downhill from there.

This book is literally me swearing on my life that I'll try my hardest to be the best partner I could ever
be to her and that I want nothing more in my life than to have her reciprocate that position towards
me. She needs to in order for us to have a healthy relationship and that's what I want for us.

What more do you think she can expect from me?

I truly want nothing but the best for her and I know she's going to end up really hurt if she doesn't
move past whatever's holding her back. I have so much reason to have hard feelings and act
destructive but I continue to put it all aside because I truly love her with all of my heart and I'm willing
to be gentle enough with myself and her to give us a real chance. I know it's scary. I'd be lying if I
said I'm not worried. But I also know that I love her far too much for that to stop me.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I've never wanted to hurt her. I still don't. But I want her. I'll
always want her. I don't care about living if I can't have her. I'm serious when I say I'll throw away
any fame or any other benefits this world has to offer if I can't have her. I'm going to carry through on
every single thing contained in my book as of its release. Whether Kimi tries to help me get fame or
any other benefits or not, the outcome is the same if I can't be with her.

I haven't just written it in the book because it sounds good.

I know she's been reading every single email I've been sending her. I know she intentionally did all
those low-key intimate things I talked to her about and then some. There's absolutely no way it was
all a coincidence. I'm still very worried, but I also still see reason to hope for the best, and I want her
to know I truly want things to work out well between us.

Towards the release of this book, Kimi revealed pretty clearly to me that she's been in my Discord
server. First, I'd like to simply share a message she sent quite some time before she started making
it very obvious who she was.

Got you. You're mine now. For the rest of the day, week, month, year, life.
Have you guessed who I am? Sometimes I think you have. Sometimes when you're
standing in a crowd I feel those sultry, dark eyes of yours stop on me. Are
you too afraid to come up to me and let me know how you feel? I want to moan
and writhe with you and I want to go up to you and kiss your mouth and pull
you to me and say "I love you I love you I love you" while stripping. I want
you so bad it stings. I want to kill the ugly girls that you're always with.
Do you really like those boring, naive, coy, calculating girls or is it just
for sex? The seeds of love have taken hold, and if we won't burn together,
I'll burn alone.

When she sent this, I was shaken. I thought someone was trolling me extremely hard. More recently,
she's made it obvious it's actually her. She's been putting herself down. I've addressed it to her
personally and I'm going to do so here as well. I told her to stop. It doesn't make things any better if
she calls herself a fraud or a whore or a piece of shit or anything else. She's truly extremely special
and completely irreplaceable to me. I would've never had the drive to write this book if that wasn't
the case.

When I saw her doing this, I became concerned if it was a cry to communicate more warmly before
the book was released. I offered it to her that if she wanted to start communicating with me before
this book is released, I wanted her to know I'm truly open to it. As long as she understood that she
truly is extremely special and irreplaceable to me and my position is unwavering on wanting to start
officially dating her before the end of the year or this world is heading straight towards destruction, I
was completely willing to discuss any changes/improvements she'd like to see in the book before its
release.

She didn't email me but she continued to communicate things on stream. I continued to pay
attention.
The month before releasing this book, October 2019, I gave her $400 USD in donations; a $300 one
and a $100 one. I'd promised the $300 one as a late birthday present and also to show her that I
wasn't trying to be spiteful or malicious when I gave that amount to Ice to make him feel more
comfortable letting me expose her on his stream. I gave the $100 after because she reacted warmly
to the first one and also because I wanted to do something more to show I wasn't just doing things
out of guilt but rather because I actually really value our connection.

I originally promised to release this book on November 1st and it ended up being about a week late.
The reason was twofold: I had made a bank transfer waiting for additional money as I was planning
to make another $300 USD donation right before releasing the book, and also to proofread the book.
There was a very considerable amount of improvements I made as I spent many hours every day
going over everything. I was communicating with her the whole time and making sure I paid attention
to any final thoughts she was sharing. I sent her an email with picture proof that I made a bank
transfer and also that I'd been continuing to subscribe to her on Twitch for quite some time even
despite being banned from her channel.

I explained to her ahead of time how this is going to work.

I'm going to make this donation. Then I'm going to release the book by switching my existing
temporary homepage with the cover and table of contents to a page with the contents of the book all
on one page (website view of the book) and on that page there will be buttons for downloading the
PDF both from a direct download link on my server as well as a Google Drive mirror. Then I'm going
to post a tweet on my profile releasing the book with the Google Drive link to it so people aren't
sketched out by a shady looking link. Then I'm going to multi-reply to that tweet with a thread of
multi-mentions to all the relevant parties, so Kimi, her friends, everyone on Hits, everyone on
Honorable Mentions, FBI, CIA, Interpol, Trump, news agencies, etc. Then I'm going to submit that
message I showed earlier to the FBI via their tips page.

Then I'm going to start meditating already in all my spare time for the rest of this month. The only
exception will be when I'm watching her stream. If she's going to talk to me, she needs to start by
emailing me. If she doesn't talk to me, work out our relationship, and fly me out to LA to start dating
her and living with her before December starts, I'm going to start going through all the VODs I've
saved from all the streams I have evidence from, getting timestamps for shit. I'm going to prepare a
whole video presenting all my evidence to expose the fuck out of her which will be released at the
end of the year if we're not dating by then. Then I'm going to start getting everything ready and in
place to start my complete isolation at a chosen location. If the end of the year comes and we're not
officially together, bam, I drop the evidence and dip into isolation.
I should mention (and I've mentioned this to Kimi already) that should the end of the year come and
we're not officially dating, I'm going to publicly release all the evidence I have on Kimi as well as her
personal email address.

You think I haven't done this shit already because I'm scared? No. I love her. I care about her. I want
to make this relationship work and I know that there's no way it could ever work if I straight up
destroy her like that. That being said, if I end up realizing in the end that not only will it not work, but
it's because she was being a stupid selfish clown bitch this whole time, yes, I'm going to destroy her.
I have nothing to fear, since I'm going to go into isolation after. What is she going to do, sue me?
She can go ahead and do that.

As the release of my book drew very close, I saw how she said she finds someone really smart
strangely sexy and they're the kind of person she wants to date. Combined with how she said in my
Discord that she's glad I find her very attractive, it seems quite clear she wants me under the
impression she finds me at least somehow sexy and she wants to date me.

I don't know whether she's messing with me or not, but to the last moment she's giving me more
evidence to prove what I did wasn't stalking, if not anything else. I really hope she's being honest,
because the thought of being with her actually makes me so happy there's literally nothing in this
world I could ever want more.

Her personality is strangely sexy to me too, but there's nothing at all strange to me about how sexy
her body is to me. I'm not exaggerating when I say I literally think she's way hotter than even any K-
Pop girl I've ever seen. Everything from her hair, skin, and voice, to her perfectly voluptuous
goddess curves with the perfect boobs and butt is just breathtaking to me. I really mean it when I say
she's gorgeous with or without make up too.

I don't care what anyone thinks. Physically and mentally, she's completely worth it to me. She's the
most precious person in the entire world to me and she always will be. If anyone ever tries to put her
down around me and especially if they try to tell me I could've done better or some shit, I'm not going
to let them do that to her. I haven't been letting it happen online up to the release of this book, and if
we end up together, I won't let anyone do it in person either.

I'm sensitive about these things. I mean it when I say I'd never laugh about it or pull some shit like
"yeah I guess but her pussy good though" like guys would normally do. I'm sure she'll understand
why I say I'm a girl, but I also feel just as certain that she'll love it a lot more than she could ever like
the way a normal guy would treat her.

I want her to remember that all of these deeper and harder dialogues between us up to this point are
to set foundation and because we're not actually spending time together. If she dates me, I feel quite
certain she'll be very good to me, especially since I want to be very good to her and I know she'll see
my efforts and affection. I don't just want to be her lover, I want to be her best friend too; someone
she could never imagine her life without.

Another thing Kimi has expressed frustration or concern about is that I would've never wanted her if
she was ugly. Well yeah, if she was fat and ugly, she would've never put herself out there on Twitch,
so of course I wouldn't have looked her way. I wouldn't have even known she existed. But if you're
going to start talking about things she's clearly not, you might as well replace being fat and ugly with
having been too scared or short-tempered to handle me, and even if I looked her way, our
connection would've never came this far either.

If she were a dude, I would've never gone for her either. I don't only like her for her appearance just
because I find her appearance very appealing. It hurts that she's so depressed that she feels like
she's not really worth loving beyond her looks, but I hope I can show her I really do see more to her
than that if she really is feeling that way about all this.

If I was going to think like that, I could also flip that on her and say that if I was chiseled and shit with
a really hot body, I could've been a massive douchebag or a dumbass or just have money and she'd
still hop on my dick instead of giving me such a hard time. On that note, if I wasn't at least really
smart and powerful like I am, she wouldn't have cared to get this far with me either.

We're not dealing with what-ifs. We're dealing with what is. She's not fat nor ugly and I'm not stupid
nor weak.

It's okay, I understand. She's been hurt. She's nervous, upset, and unsure what I'm even really
hoping to gain out of all of this. I'm working through this with her because I want things to get better.

I don't just think about sex you know. I think about the times in silence holding each other. I think
about how she's going to want to watch anime with me and I'll be more interested in gently playing
with her hair. I think about her wanting to take me around places and thinking I'll be bothered but me
being totally cool with it and her being pleasantly surprised I enjoy simply spending time with her so
much. I think about us both pleasantly surprising each other with the tenderness and kindness we
only vaguely imagined from each other.

If she really loves me, everything will be okay. The doubts and worries she has now will pass.

I'm not going to have angry fights with Kimi or anyone else. I don't need that in my life and I certainly
never wanted it. I mean it when I say I'm going into complete isolation at the end of the year to
meditate to destroy the world if I can't be with Kimi. I've already accepted this and already thought
the whole thing through to the point that I have absolutely no fears about it, I simply hope that it
doesn't come to that. But if it does, I'm ready, I'm willing, and I'm going to show this world no mercy.
I'm going to assume Kimi's giving me attitude more than anything else because she's scared about
what's going to happen after this book is released and she feels like she'd rather not deal with it. I
don't know if she'll ever improve her attitude, but what I do know is that I'm definitely releasing this
book and I definitely want to be with her in a healthy and loving relationship forever. I don't care how
impossible it may seem to many, but I think it's possible and I know I want it to happen.

I've said it before; I made a mess and I'm cleaning it up. I told Kimi that I knew from the first time I
started drama that I wanted her forever and I was doing it planning and hoping to be able to fix
things. I meant it. I'm not a cuck and I'm not a pussy, nor will I ever be those things. I'm a Permanent
Chief of the Shadow Confederation. I'm a fucking savage and I'm going to prove it to Kimi and
everyone else.

If I have to go into isolation and destroy this world, I want to know that I'm doing it letting go of any
tension in my heart that would make me second-guess my choices. I need to know that Kimi never
loved me and never will if I'm going to do this, and whether or not we're dating in a tender, loving,
and affectionate relationship that seems like it should really last forever and have had sex several
times before the end of the year is going to give me the answer.

Saying she loved me but she's over it isn't acceptable. Telling me to find other girls isn't acceptable.
Telling me to accept fame and money from my efforts and try to get happiness some other way isn't
acceptable. I'm not weak nor a clown, and I refuse to let anyone in this entire world treat me that
way, especially the person I care about the most that I absolutely need a fair and healthy relationship
with if I'm not going to become extremely destructive. If she respects me at all, she'll date me and we
can make this work. If not, I care less about this entire world than Kimi cares about me.

And I have very good reason to.

I know with how much I've talked about touching myself, it may seem like I practically jerk off all day.
Yeah, no. Even if I'm jerking off three or four hours a day, I'm awake for 15 or more, and I'm being
productive working on my book the vast majority of the time. That means I'm spending at least 10-
12+ hours working, roughly at least three times the amount of time I'm jerking off.

I don't take days off where I just watch anime (or any other shit) or play games all day. I never sleep
in. I don't have dogs or pets or shit to comfort me. I don't have friends nor family to rely on for any
kind of support. It's literally me against the world and I bust my ass all day every day chasing my
goals and dreams. So what if I'm jerking off a few hours a day, I'm working multiple times as hard.
Just as consistently.

It's been like this ever since I turned 19.

I can count the amount of days I've done absolutely nothing in the past five years on my hands. I
didn't become this savage by being a lazy fuck.

Kimi seems to think that the only reason I can throw around what she considers loose statements
like "I won't care about money or fame without you" is because I haven't experienced them, and that
my perspective would suddenly change if I did.

I don't need to jump off a cliff without a parachute to know I won't like falling to my death. In the exact
same way, I don't need to be alone and rich to know I'll still be depressed and unsatisfied with
hookers. In the exact same way, I don't need to be famous and alone to know I'll still feel empty as
fuck with all the attention from people that are more interested in a product or service I provide than
me as a person or that I wouldn't be able to trust due to all the traumas I've endured in my life
anyways even if there were people actually really interested in me as a person. In the exact same
way, I don't need to try picking up or dating tons of women from bars, clubs, or the street to know
that my soul will be so crushed if I lose Kimi that I'll never care to even try loving ever again.

While this switching up phenomenon may indeed be the case for most people, most people also
don't have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension and as a result have (a usually
considerable amount of) active ego. Their active ego is the reason they switch up like that.

Let's once again take a look at the 5 fundamental traits that a person without any active ego
(meaning they have refined pure bidirectional apprehension as their core value) will never
demonstrate:

1. Make demands that other people live up to your, not their, standards.
2. Fail to build trust and loyalty.
3. Fixate on the external trappings than on what really counts.
4. Violate the trust that you and your associates have established.
5. Fail to see your own foibles and flaws.

Basically, anyone with an active ego is prone to doing all these things. Take a good look. Don't these
all sound like things people who switch up do? Yeah, because they are. They all come from active
ego. It's all the same shit; the shit that I've worked my whole life to rid every bit of my personality and
lifestyle of.

When I'm saying that we have to end up together, I'm not holding Kimi to my standards. I'm holding
her to her own. She considers herself to not be a complete piece of shit. She considers herself not to
be a complete moron. She considers herself deserving of someone that truly cares about her deeply
and has proved that to her over a long period of time.
I've communicated with Kimi a lot before deciding to release this book. Right up to the final moments
before I did so, she was encouraging me to do it. I explained to her how committed I was to a
positive outcome and the kind of negative impact it would have on her life if she didn't love me. I told
her to think very carefully before making a decision. I'm only left believing that she's either very
invested in making this work like I am, or she's extremely suicidal. I can only hope for the former.

I'm nothing like most people. It's not just me "being unique" in some wild way because I'm some
fucking emo nonconformist edgelord teenager that's stuck mentally in some shallow bullshit where
I'm trying to be a hippy. I'm not unique because I'm trying too hard to be cool. I'm unique because
most people are weak-willed and have careless mentalities in a careless lifestyle and I don't live my
life that way. Perhaps it's less than ideal to describe it so crudely in front of a large audience as it
may come off intentionally offensive, but that's the uncensored simple truth.

No, it's not a case of "if everyone else tells you something, you're the problem."

Was I the problem when all the people who lost their lives because they challenged me and lost
died? What does me calling out the Shadow Confederation in front of 20,000 people and yet I
casually walk around the streets and remain alive to this day mean to you? You think you could do
some kind of shit like that without being high-level or having high-level protection and hope to live?
Especially without any fears of being harmed for it?

Most people throw judgement around quickly. Most people also get fucked up by more powerful
people for that exact reason.

I'm actually literally as woke as it gets. Like, not the edgy woke; actually woke. Messing with me has
costed others their lives already. They weren't people I was romantically interested or involved with.
But nobody's treated me the way Kimi has, and she's actually extremely delusional if she thinks I'm
not extremely invested in this relationship working out. Like, dangerously delusional. Mental asylum
delusional. I'm having a really hard time believing she's that insane and I really hope that's not the
case.

I already told Kimi what kind of plan I have to release this book. Even if I don't get national attention,
you can bet I'm going to raise a lot of eyebrows. The government will start watching. Kimi's friends
are going to start low-key hating her. I don't even know what her family would think if they found out.
The Shadow Confederation will start planning to kill her. She can throw any chance of a healthy
relationship with anyone other than me out the window; you think she'll be able to hide this book
from them or that they'll want to stay with her after reading it?

Basically, her life is fucked if she throws me away. My life is fucked if I were to throw her away too,
but I never had any intention to do that. With her, I'm really not sure she have as acute of an
awareness of how serious what she's gotten herself into really is, even though I'm sure she's a lot
smarter than she acts on stream. I understand part of it is a show and part of it is just knowing it
doesn't matter so much to be super sharp about it. Don't get me wrong, if I actually thought she was
a straight up dumbass, I would've never gone this far with her.

At the same time, I know I've upset her, and I know that it's possible she's so hurt it's blinding her.

That worries me a lot.

It doesn't even mean she's weak either. I know I've gotten overly jealous sometimes and jumped to
conclusions I was wrong about. Even for all the strength my mentality has, the amount of pressure
and emotional involvement this situation has on me hasn't allowed me to always see things
completely clearly. I'd actually say she's extremely emotionally resilient for having come this far.
We've both had our weak and strong moments. What's more important is that we're not judging each
other for our weak moments and focusing on why we got this far in this in the first place.

I don't say anything in this book to try to scare her. I say this because I care about her very deeply. I
say it because I can see she cares enough to read my messages and think about them and I can
see that she has a lot of potential to blossom into an incredible human being that she probably
thought was beyond her capabilities; a god, a goddess, whatever you want to call someone so
incredible that she can look at herself and feel really good about herself and know that she deserves
me and I deserve her and we're extremely powerful and we deserve it. I say it because I see a
desire she has for greatness and I choose to believe she has it in her as well. I say it because I know
this means something to her and I want to make sure that I tried my best to have it mean the right
things.

I'm not doing this out of guilt nor out of feeling some kind of moral obligation. I won't allow Kimi to be
with me simply because she feels morally obligated to do so and I've already told her that.

What I mean by that is that since I want a healthy relationship with a healthy foundation, I don't want
to be with her if she's going to communicate to me essentially the message, "I don't actually love you
but I don't want the world to end and I don't want everyone to hate me for causing it so I'll date you
even though I don't really want to."

Worth mentioning is that although I won't date her under that circumstance, I'll still want to be with
her, and the lack of viability changes nothing as far as my decision to go into isolation and destroy
the world if we're not together. If she won't even give a real relationship with me a shot after
everything we've been through and especially considering what's at stake, I don't care why or what
anyone has to offer me in any other areas of life, my position isn't changing. The reason the
relationship becomes nonviable doesn't change anything as far as future prospects in the case that
we don't end up together.

I don't say this lightly. I know our connection must mean something to her; something deep. I know
that if I can really communicate deep warmth and affection for her, it's going to get her thinking about
what a relationship with me would really be like. She'll feel like not even giving it a shot means she
could be missing out on a dreamy soulmate connection she never thought she could ever have. I
feel certain she must've felt this before or there's no way she would've even gone this far with this
kind of connection with me.

I know there are a lot of reasons to resist it, whether it's fear, shame, guilt, judgement, or
insecurities; I know why I shouldn't have expectations. But I also know how dreamy she is to me and
that if she sees me at all in the same way, I hold an appeal to her that nobody else ever could, and
it's extremely strong. Faced with that kind of feeling, my threat of ending the world if she won't date
me becomes merely the final push to make the decisive decision to act upon desires she's had for
some time now already, and she wouldn't hold it against me nor do it out of feeling morally obligated;
she'd actually be very happy that I finally managed to achieve such a thing and we could be together
because of it. Even if I can't get my hopes very high, having hope at all means I have to believe the
best in her, and that's what I'm going to do.

I know I've said some mean things to her before, but she needs to see things for what they really are
right now. I respect her a lot. I care about her a lot. There's a lot on the line here for her, me, and the
world.

She plays some really sassy music sometimes and I really don't know what it really means to her
when she's doing that. For me, it doesn't matter how savage whatever music I listen to is, my heart
looks at her and all I see is the most precious person in the entire world to me.

She needs to understand that she's far too deep to ever really forget me. Even if I go into isolation in
the forest, my effect on her life is never really going away. It's going to be very negative without me
in it. She needs to remember that it took both of us to get here; I'm not simply backing off, and that
doesn't mean I don't respect her nor that I don't care about her. In fact, it means the opposite.

I refuse to think she's not worth my time simply because she's too confused and upset before the
release of this book to really see where I'm coming from and talk to me with more warmth. I've
always tried my best to understand her and I can understand that. She's still worth everything to me.

She always will be.

 Attraction
Sex. A fundamental driving force of reality. Many things would not exist today was it not for people's
desires to be sexually satisfied. Much, both good and bad, comes as a result of sexual desire.

There was a time in my life where I thought I was asexual. I've always known I enjoyed sexual
release from pleasuring myself, and that was something I was no stranger to from a young age.
However, I've also always known that I find people to be nerve-wracking and often troublesome to
deal with, and there was a point where my neurosis from interpersonal interaction was so strong that
I wondered if sexual release from other people was simply not right for me.

After quite some time in that period where I thought like that, however, I came to realize that as
much as sexual desire caused additional stress on top of the already seemingly daunting task of
human interaction, instead of looking at it as something not worth investing effort into, it was instead
most likely the one facet of human interaction that could make all the other troubles of dealing with
people seem worth it.

For quite some time, I've known of the typical ways that people go about pursuit of sexual
encounters with others. They each had their own set of upsides and downsides, but I could see their
functional efficiency in achieving the goal. Of all the typical methods however, none of them ever sat
very well with me and felt right as a way for me to meet, get to know, pursue, and eventually achieve
sexual interaction with a woman. I knew I'd have to think outside the box and find a less traditional
approach to achieve my goals.
Purity

Impure love, the kind most commonly seen in romantic relationships in today's society, especially
newer ones, involves emotional pain being inflicted to instill a sense of indebtedness to provide
sexual pleasure.

The reason why it's impure is because the sex drive is a fundamentally emotional facility, whereas a
model of love where love is demonstrated in a rationalized transactional fashion is a fundamentally
logical facility. In this way, the initial amount of trust required is quite low, and trust is instead purely
forged over time, absolutely none being given to the other as something intrinsically recognized as
what they're worthy of.

The kind of love I choose to believe and assert that me and Kimi have is pure love, involving conflict
and conflict resolution, but never with the intent nor enjoyment to simply hurt the other person for
any reason sexual or otherwise.

The reason why it's pure is because in this case, the model of love of is demonstrated in a fashion
filled with trust and respect, making it a fundamentally emotional facility, which matches with the
fundamental nature of the sex drive. Love isn't fundamentally gauged in any kind of transactional
manner, but rather through seeing the other's emotional resilience and willingness to empathize in
an emotionally fulfilling manner where the value of the relationship is constantly brought into
question and either strengthened or weakened.

It's not that there is a "better" one between pure and impure love. Rather, it's more appropriate to
determine which kind of love is more suitable for an individual based on several factors such as
emotional state, partner's values, influence from previous relationships, stage of life, and perhaps
most importantly of all, general preference and inclination towards one or the other within one's
nature.

Both kinds of love can work very well or very poorly, and depending on the exact situation, it may
very well be impossible, or at least not realistically achievable given restraints beyond one's control,
to be able to accurately determine which type of love will work better in a relationship.

It's possible to switch between the kinds of love within the same relationship, although the
effectiveness and consistency of attempting to do so can vary greatly. It can be done intentionally or
happen naturally as the relationship progresses, and it can also happen periodically depending on
the personality of at least one of the individuals within the relationship. For example, individuals who
are bipolar are much more likely to attempt to switch between expecting both kinds of love
periodically or even simply randomly on a whim. Interestingly, individuals with borderline personality
disorder are conversely often more rigidly against switching around, most likely because they're
more aware and in control of their inclination towards sporadic behavior, and would prefer to express
love in a consistent fashion to help establish better consistency in their mentality and life in general.
Experience

The first time I became homeless, I stayed in a youth shelter. After not very long, it happened that a
few homosexual men wanted to have sexual interactions with me. I've always known that sexual
interactions with men were something I found extremely unappealing, and I was not even so much
as slightly curious to experiment. I grew quite concerned with the interest I was being shown. Some
weren't very aggressive and gave up quickly after I showed a distinct lack of interest. Others, I had
the misfortune of having more difficulty dealing with.

There was a point where one of the more difficult to deal with men asked me if I'd ever even had sex
with a woman. As I was a virgin and at that point still somewhat naively believed that honesty was
always the best policy, I told him the truth that I hadn't. His immediate reaction was to question how I
could possibly even know I was so into women without ever having even tried being with one. I
immediately knew I had given a bad answer. That was how I ended up losing my virginity to a
prostitute.

Even after being pressed like that, I knew my attitude was very firm, and retained my position with
confidence. I stated that it was just a combination of not being great with women, not trying very hard
because I was looking for a very attractive woman and the women around me in the past, while
some had considerable appeal, were all not that attractive, and having an extremely heavy current
focus on programming and building my career out of the ambitious project I'd been working on for
years.

I followed that up with saying that if anything, I'd end up with a considerable amount of money from
my efforts and I could just have sex with prostitutes I found considerably attractive, if I ended up
having considerable trouble finding a woman when I started more actively looking for a partner. The
man I was talking to, keep in mind he was homosexual and interested in sexual activities with me,
was very doubtful. He told me that if I was a virgin then I must've never had sex with a prostitute, and
that I didn't seem like I could even bring myself to go through with such a thing.

I knew I was very able and willing under the right circumstances, and considering that at that point I
was a virgin at 21 and frustrated at that fact, combined with the fact that there was a very real
chance I'd end up getting raped by men interested in me in that shelter, I didn't want to risk losing my
virginity to getting raped by a man, so I decided it was time to have sex with a prostitute.

The shelter gave us meals and I didn't have anything else to spend the welfare money I was getting
on, so I told the man I'd prove it by losing my virginity to a prostitute as soon as possible. I asked him
where I could find a listing of prostitutes to pick one I liked from. He told me about Backpage, a site
no longer up as the government shut it down. I had a laptop, so I opened it up, connected to the
shelter's WiFi, and started looking for an attractive prostitute to lose my virginity to and be able to
prove that I'm into women to all the men in that shelter that might have ended up raping me
otherwise.

Soon enough, I found a woman I felt was attractive enough I'd feel satisfied losing my virginity to her.

The process seemed straightforward enough, even never having done it before. Get the money, call
the woman, schedule an "appointment", arrive, pay, get what I paid for, thank her, and leave. I'm the
type that likes to really go over things in my head a lot, until I've worked through a situation to an
extent I feel is reasonably well to be able to feel sufficiently confident to go through with it, then
proceed. Surprisingly, with this, it came quite naturally and I didn't feel the need to do that.

I knew there was an ATM not very far from the shelter I was at, and I could use it to withdraw the
cash I'd need. Money, check. Next, I had to call her. I had a phone plan at the time, so that process
was straightforward enough. I stepped outside of the shelter and into an area outside without anyone
around so I could have a little privacy, then I called her.

I asked her if she was the woman named in the ad, she said yes, then asked me if I'd like to make
an appointment. I said yes, but hesitated to say anything more immediately after, because I wasn't
sure exactly how these kinds of calls were supposed to go down. She kindly asked me when I'd like
to make the appointment for. I told her as soon as possible and that I could reach the intersection
listed on the ad in about 30 minutes. She informed me that worked for her, proceeded to tell me the
exact address of the building to go to, told me to call her once I got there, then told me "I'll see you
soon baby", to which I replied with a simple "OK", and the meeting was set.

Confirmation, check. I was excited.

There were a few guys at the shelter that knew I was about to go lose my virginity to a hooker and
they were waiting for me back at the shelter. I went to shower, wear new clothes, brush my teeth,
and prepare to set on my way. They asked me what happened and if it was going down. I told them
everything's set and I'm leaving there right away. They asked me a little about how the conversation
went down; I'm assuming they might've not even believed I actually did it.

I went to the ATM, withdrew the money I needed to give this woman, and started heading towards
the address she gave me. After about 30 minutes, I was there. I called her. She instructed me to
enter the entrance accessible from the side, giving me the number to enter to be buzzed in. She told
me to take the elevator to the top floor and gave me her room number.

After taking the elevator to the floor she instructed, finding her room, and knocking on the door, I was
greeted by a very attractive woman in a loose dress smiling at me. She was just as hot as she
looked in the pictures. I wasn't disappointed at all.
"Hello baby, come inside," she told me very shortly after she made eye contact.

She gently grabbed my hand and I followed her inside. She locked the door behind us and took me
to a dimly lit bedroom.

"Money?" she said with her arm extended to receive the cash.

"Of course, right here," I said as I took out the envelope in my pocket with the cash.

She looked at me a little confused as she opened the envelope, but she started smiling as she took
out the cash. I told her I'm a virgin and it's my first time doing something like this, and I read online
that it's respectful to put the money in an envelope. She counted it, then told me that she'd be right
back and to take my clothes off. I took my clothes off as she told me to and waited for her to return.

After she returned, she slid the top parts of her dress off her shoulders and it fell onto the floor. I
finally got a view of her completely naked body and I was immediately turned on. Since she was
facing me, I couldn't get a view of her butt yet, so my eyes went straight to her breasts. They looked
to be at least a C-cup, probably closer to a D-cup. Very nice. Her skin was smooth, hairless, and her
naked figure was very arousing.

I could immediately feel my dick starting to get hard.

I raised my hands to grab her breasts and she took them and placed them on her breasts, gently
squeezing. I felt up her breasts with a smile on my face as she smiled right back at me, and I told her
they felt very nice. She slowly brought her face close to mine, and as I gently released my grip on
her breasts, we had a few short kisses on the lips. I took the opportunity to reach my arms around
her body and grab her butt, gently squeezing and feeling it up. She looked at me with a smile on her
face for a short while, then slowly turned around to give me a full view of her butt. Very nice. Not
quite as big as I would've liked, but it was pretty close.

My dick started getting harder.

After staring and touching it for a little while longer, I moved my body closer to hers, gently pressed
my half-hard dick up against her butt, and slowly started rubbing up against her. After a short while,
she started getting into it too, gently rubbing up and down against me. I reached my hands around
her body and grabbed her breasts once again, gently feeling them up as she was rubbing her butt up
against my dick. It wasn't very long before I was rock hard.

She slowly stopped rubbing up against me and turned back around to face me.

"Lie down on the bed baby," she told me.

How could I resist?

I lied down on the bed as she opened a drawer in the nightstand beside the bed and took out a
condom. After she ripped the wrapper open and took the condom out, she made her way to the
lower half of my body, slowly stroked my dick a few times, and gently slid the condom on it. Then
she started sucking it.

"It feels very good baby," I told her. She'd already called me baby more than once at that point, so I
figured what the hell, why not?

She gently moaned in response and it turned me on so much I felt my cock throb inside her mouth.
She moaned again.

"Just like that baby, you're doing a great job," I assured her.

She gently moaned once again and my cock throbbed in her mouth once again. I was impressed
that I hadn't already came at that point, and it would've certainly been a shame to cum before I even
actually had vaginal intercourse with her, so I was feeling very good about the whole thing. After she
sucked me like that for a while longer, she eventually took my dick out of her mouth.

"Are you ready for my pussy baby?" she looked at me with a smile on her face and asked sweetly.

"Of course baby," I told her.

How could I not be? I wasn't trying to cum from just a blowjob.

She got on the bed, got on top of me cowgirl style, grabbed my rock hard cock, rubbed it against her
vagina briefly, and then slid it inside. She moaned as she slid it all the way inside her and then
started riding me.

"Your pussy feels very good baby," I told her.

Yeah, I was just having fun at this point.

"Thank you baby, your cock feels very good inside me too," she assured me.

She rode my cock for over five minutes before I came, both of us moaning and my cock throbbing
many times. It doesn't sound like very long, but considering I got my dick sucked beforehand as well
and on top of that I was a virgin going into the experience, I was very pleasantly surprised that I
actually lasted so long for my first time, especially since she was riding me really hard and fast the
whole time and clearly trying to make me cum as quickly as possible.

Because I have an extremely high sex drive, I was still really horny even after I came, especially
because I had a really attractive naked woman in front of me. She told me I only paid to cum once,
but I started jerking off in front of her and asked her if I could at least jerk off to her while she
watched and cum once more before leaving. She was resistant at first, but eventually agreed to give
me a quick handjob to make me cum a second time before I left.

After I came the second time, I thanked her, put my clothes back on, we had a couple more small
kisses on the lips, then I left.

When I got back to the shelter, the guys asked me if I'd gone through with it. I told them I had and I
enjoyed it. They asked me if I'd paid her the full amount and what we did, and I told them I had and
explained that she'd been very good to me. They seemed to believe it, and I thought that was the
end of my fears of being raped there, and also hopefully my end with prostitutes as well. Although I
did want to lose my virginity and I had no regrets because the sex with that woman had felt quite
nice, I saw how significant the lack of an existing, and especially deep, emotional connection with a
woman was for me in regards to sex.

Even after just having sex once, I could already tell that while it'd feel nice the first few times
regardless of a lack of emotional connection being present and especially if the woman is very
physically attractive, it wouldn't be at all satisfying for me as a lifelong paradigm from which to look at
sex. There were actually points in my life in the past before that experience where I'd thought very
seriously that perhaps sex with prostitutes for the rest of my life truly was the way to go for me; that I
should just make a lot of money and all the physical intimacy with very attractive Asian prostitutes
would compensate for a complete lack of any real emotional connection.

After having sex with a prostitute just once, and for no lack of her physical sex appeal nor physical
pleasure received by her in the sexual encounter I paid for, I already came to realize that I absolutely
had to find a meaningful relationship with a woman where she not only wasn't actually a prostitute,
but whom I also didn't feel compelled to treat like a trashy slut or whore to any degree.

Unfortunately, it wasn't very long before I started getting bothered again by gay guys in the shelter.

I wanted to act fast to diffuse these guys getting any wrong ideas. I decided I had to go have sex
with a prostitute again, otherwise it seemed like those guys thought I'd just tried it out and was only
acting like I liked it. I suppose I could even understand their view to some extent; after having had a
taste of sex, especially with a really attractive woman, I wanted more. I went through the same
procedure and had sex with the same prostitute once again. Very similar sensations to the first time.
The physical contact felt great, but the lack of an emotional connection really sucked.

After I came back from the second time of having sex with a prostitute at that point in my life, I was
questioned once again by the dudes in the shelter. This time they seemed a lot more convinced I'd
settled into the life of banging hookers and didn't ask too much. There was one guy that was really
attracted to me that tried probing me for how I could lose my virginity to the woman yet felt so
nonchalant about the sex I was having about her, because I made it very obvious to him that
although the sex was good, I wasn't mentally attached to her. I had to explain to him clearly that
although the sex with her felt great, it was a professional connection where I was paying her for it as
opposed to a natural emotionally driven one, and I'm a savage, so it's very easy for me to separate
feelings from situations like that.

I stopped really encountering problems with guys thinking I was gay after that.

Since then, I've had sex with prostitutes three more times. Once with a juicy Chinese woman, then a
different juicy Korean woman, then a juicy half Chinese and half Korean woman.

I chose to do it this way because attractive Chinese women always came next after Korean women
in terms of sex appeal to me, and after having sex all those times, Korean women remain the most
attractive of all to me. The first two times I ever had sex, I only paid the woman for the bare minimum
half-hour, but all the following times, I decided I wanted a much more thoroughly satisfying
experience. I'd wait for opportunities until I'd saved about $1,000 and then I'd drop it all on a girl at
once and try to get at least four really solid hours in a row and as many orgasms as I could handle. I
came at least seven times in each following sexual encounter.

I've mentioned to Kimi before that I'm six inches when I'm hard. I wasn't lying nor exaggerating.

I'm sure she won't be disappointed with what I've got. I know how to use it too. I've seen the
expressions of extremely pleasant surprise when every hooker I've ever banged was surprised with
how I kept wanting more, orgasm after orgasm. I'm not just saying I paid for four hours straight and
came at least seven times to sound good. Every time I did that, the girl would look at me and be like,

"What are we going to do for four hours? How much can you possibly cum?"

I'd just smile and tell her, "You're really hot. I'll cum at least five times. What do you mean what will
we do?"

They doubted, but by the end they were complaining their hands and mouths were tired from
pleasuring my cock so hard for so long and that they weren't used to such intense desire.
Fixation

Now that I've got explaining the fact that I'm not some ultra-horny virgin moron out of the way, let's
get back to the real issue at hand.

Many may look at me writing this book and think, "Wow. This guy is really pathetic. He knows so
much about the world, but he's so bad with women that he desperately is trying to stick to a woman
that doesn't really like him because he's completely incapable of getting any others, and he's just
trying desperately to rationalize his stupid position. He'd be so much happier if he just started
pursuing other women and gave up on this girl that clearly will never date him".

Those people are huge clowns.

I'm not sticking to Kimi because I'm incapable of getting other women, and I'm absolutely certain that
there's no way I could ever be happier giving up on being with her. If I wanted other women, I'm
certain I'm capable of pursuing and obtaining romantic relationships with them. I was capable of
getting the interest of multiple women before and during the time I pursued Kimi, and I'm no less
competent to get the interest and attention of other women if I so desire now. In fact, I could've
decided that in writing this book, I no longer care about Kimi and instead I'm seeking a relationship
with a new woman because I'm simply fed up with being single.

I'm not doing that.

I don't have a reliance on social validation to want it from a partner, nor do I lack the ability to get sex
if I really want it. Social validation when I know most people are clowns is laughable. Being thirsty for
sex when throwing a little money at a hooker gets you laid is stupid. I'm never going to seek a
relationship for pathetic reasons that weak-minded and weak-willed individuals seek them.

The reason I'm completely investing myself in getting Kimi isn't because I'm bad with women nor
because I'm generally hopeless in getting a relationship. It's because all other women don't interest
me; they aren't very arousing to me and I don't care for getting to know them on a romantic level.
Now that I've seen Kimi and especially after getting to know her, I know that she's everything I've
ever wanted and that's never changing. I've been jerking off to Kimi a minimum of six times a day
ever since last year when it started feeling right to jerk off to her and also continue to do so every
day. I've never jerked off to a girl harder and more consistently at that intensity than I've jerked off to
Kimi.

I already know that Kimi will have my sexual attention forever, and I find her so sexy and perfect that
I have absolutely no desire to fight it. She's what I've always wanted and that's it. I'm not going to try
to fight what I very clearly know I want for the rest of my life. I'm not going to go chase what I'd
describe as very weak lust at best for other women when I feel extremely passionate attraction
towards Kimi that I know will never go away. I'm chasing her because I know with complete certainty
what I like and I also know with complete certainty that I deserve to have it.

If you're going to claim it's an unhealthy obsession, I argue that giving up on her is far more
unhealthy. I'd be trading off my passionate attraction towards Kimi for an unhealthy obsession with
empty sex with random women I find of mediocre attractiveness where I have complete disinterest in
getting to know them. I know this is how it'd be because I'd literally be thinking of Kimi every time I
have sex with some other girl. Once she empties my balls and I've came until I'm satisfied, I'll want
her to go away because I'll just be upset I had to have sex with her instead of Kimi. I'll never be able
to have any kind of romantic relationship with anyone because I won't want to if I can't have it with
Kimi, so I'll never be happy.

If you think it's pathetic for me to want a meaningful romantic relationship with a woman I'm
extremely attracted to instead of being willing to settle for empty sex for the rest of my life, then I
really don't care what you think of me. Go be "not pathetic" and spend your life having empty sex
with people you don't care to actually have a connection with; if that makes you happy, good for you,
but it's not for me.
Destiny

The biggest issue my relationship with Kimi has is that she'll feel like she simply can't say no to me
ever if we're together, and that's understandably very frightening to her. I can understand that, but it
was never my intent to simply force her to do anything that pops into my head. I'll never treat her that
way with blatant disregard for how she'll feel and what she wants.

She's shown considerable desire to attract me over a prolonged period of time, and if she hadn't
done that, then this book would've either been a straight declaration of terrorism or never even have
been written and I'd already have been in isolation right now, or perhaps even already have came
out of it and started destroying the world. Her persistence has touched my heart and left me under
the impression she's extremely unique and she's left me so intensely attracted to her for so long that
I need her in my life and want her extremely badly with no real desire for anyone else. I'm not willing
to simply let her reject me and force me to move on from her when that's not going to be okay with
me at all for multiple reasons, especially after everything we've been through.

The thing about women (and perhaps even many men, although that's not my concern here because
I'll never be attracted to men and that's not even remotely ever going to be up for debate) is that
trying to rationalize with them about why they should love you isn't ever going to work.

The issue I have to deal with regardless of how Kimi feels and what she wants is that because of
who I am, this would be a problem for me with any person I ever pursue. The thing is that being as
powerful as I am, I undoubtedly will have to let a woman know sooner or later that she doesn't really
have the option not to be with me if I really want to be with her, and the same way that's an issue for
Kimi, it's obviously going to be an issue for anyone else.

Unfortunately, giving women the illusion of freedom to pick other people so you can subconsciously
convince them they should pick you instead of others as the clear best option as your connection
with them becomes more serious is a critical part of deep seduction of a woman.

My only options are to either lie to women and manipulate them about who I really am for some time
until we build a relationship and actually date properly and then randomly tell them about the extent
of my power well into the relationship and hope that she's not too upset, which simply feels
extremely manipulative and wrong to me and I can't imagine ever working out well, or I have to take
the approach that I took with Kimi, the first and only woman I ever started pursuing after I realized
the extent of my power was this great, and be very honest and upfront about who I am and make it
very clear that pursuing a relationship with me will mean she must take spending her life with me
very seriously right from the very beginning since I wouldn't even be pursuing her if I didn't want that
in the first place, and hope that my honesty and having good intentions while trying to show that to
the best of my ability will result in the healthiest relationship possible. That's the only scenario I could
even remotely really see working out well at all.

Unfortunately, being significantly successful in seduction, as anyone more experienced with it would
know, normally requires manipulation, and in fact often a considerable amount of it, which is
especially directly incompatible with such a direct and honest approach. I was aware of this fact
before I ever started pursuing Kimi, which was why I felt increasingly hopeless and suicidal every
day after realizing the extent of my power, before her treatment towards me gave me hope the
honest approach could actually work.

As you can see, I myself understand very well that both of these options suck quite badly and
basically either way the prospects don't look promising at all for a woman to ever truly feel
comfortable and okay being with me. Even being a master at seduction (which I don't claim to be,
however my abilities are certainly sufficient to pursue and get relationships with other women if I
wanted to) still wouldn't leave me with any real potential for a deep long-term relationship, simply
because my power makes me frightening to anyone that knows about it and especially so if they
take it at all seriously. Taking that at face value means that I should give up entirely on ever having a
meaningful relationship based on that alone if I'm to look at it and attempt to be completely
considerate of it to the fullest extent when I look at any potential romantic partner.

If I have to take that route, isolation and destroying the world it is. I didn't want to be so scary when I
started living my life nor as I progressed through reflecting on why I shouldn't kill myself for so long
and gained knowledge and power, and I definitely don't feel like I deserve to be alone forever just
because I'm as powerful as I am, so I'm not just going to give up so easily on the thing I'll always
want more than anything else in life. I'll always wholeheartedly believe that only someone that truly
doesn't care about me at all would seriously suggest to me that I should do that, whether they
understand completely why I'm in a difficult situation or not.

Before pursuing Kimi, I wasn't certain my romantic relationship potential was this fucked. I just knew
that I wanted to spend my life with her and that once I started pursuing her, I only wanted that to end
up in a very loving marriage that lasted a lifetime. After now going through this crazy connection and
learning the things that I have, it's only become completely clear to me that I absolutely must end up
with her or isolation and destroying the world is what my destiny holds in store for me.

Knowing everything I know now so clearly, it would be extremely irresponsible and immoral to start
pursuing other women, because I would have to fully embrace the understanding that given my
position it's become very apparent no woman would ever want to be with me in a long-term
meaningful relationship literally no matter how seductive or otherwise appealing I am, and therefore
any women I chase I'll only end up scarring for life after they learn the truth.
Further, while there may be some women that actually enjoy being afraid and feeling forced as such,
they must certainly have some fetishes that drive the enjoyment of it, and as I don't enjoy being
scary or forceful in much the same fashion that I don't enjoy women (or anyone at all for that matter)
being scary or forceful towards me, those women would end up incompatible with me outright for
that reason.

It's not the tension, drama, distance, nor fame that are really the problem with my connection with
Kimi. The biggest problem I have is an extremely huge problem that I would have with any person I
could ever pursue a relationship with, and even worse so past this point because I'd be pursuing
anyone else with the experience of how pursuing Kimi turned out, and it's never going to go away;
that is absolutely certain.

My position very clearly isn't out of some petty childishness nor unreasonable desire to exert my
power over anyone else, and in fact comes from the exact opposite reasoning. This understanding
single-handedly absolutely destroys anyone's ability to argue that I should give up and simply
attempt to chase other women, at least if they're actually attempting to give me that advice from any
reasonably rational perspective.
Grounded

The more I think about it, the more I've come to realize that both Kimi and Chloe have literally
treated me pretty much the exact same way, only in their own specific ways.

They're both being far too warmly receptive to my extremely intimate messages for me not to think
they have very intimate and warm feelings towards me that I know they'll never actually be able to let
go of (and in Kimi's case I certainly don't even want her to), but they also want to unapologetically
treat me like I'm so pathetic that I'm literally not even worth talking to, much less to give me all the
sexual favors I deserve from them.

Perhaps they might after I achieve immense feats like becoming extremely famous off this book or
starting to kill everyone with quantum energy arts as I assert ultimate authority over the entire world,
but at that point I'd have girls all over me and I'd just be furious with both of them for messing with
me for so long and leaving me wanting them so badly for the rest of my life, only to tease me even
then with their bodies and try to throw themselves at me in an extremely trashy way after they
already intentionally ruined any potential at a healthy relationship.

This leaves me extremely conflicted and feeling like I should actually just fuck it all and go into
isolation. I'm extremely frustrated, to the point I've shared significant portions of the book with both
Kimi and Chloe early, in hopes they'd improve their attitudes. While I've shared the book with Kimi
because I love her with all of my heart and hope she'll be even warmer in the future and see very
real potential for that, I've shared it with Chloe because I wanted her to know just how frustrated I
really was that I wasn't already getting sexual favors from her as I should've been in order to be able
to get over her so I wouldn't have to go so savage on her in this book and most likely ruin whatever
already very low chances I had at getting Kimi.

While Kimi doesn't really have an option in terms of maintaining physical distance from me, the
emotional distance certainly puts me in a very difficult situation. Given all the drama and public
arguing I've done with her, and also considering that she lives a 6 hour flight away so she'd have to
go considerably out of her way to actually meet me in person, however, I can at least try to
understand, and thus at least a slight hope remains for her.

Chloe on the other hand is acting extremely immature, stubborn, and unreasonable and like a
massively slutty attention whore bitch. She doesn't have to go far out of her way to meet me and yet
forces me to go confront her at a convention, and even then pretends she doesn't know what's going
on and clowns on me when I'm trying to do her a favor and help her make things right between us
before she secures a fate for herself where she gets fucked up.
I have very fresh conflict with Kimi that's been ongoing for over a year now and has even been put in
front of Ice's viewers at a point he had 15,000+ watching by me going out of my way to fly to LA and
stream snipe him in his house to call Kimi out, but my conflict with Chloe was never made public
even in a smaller scale in the past, was far less serious, and was literally over 7 years ago.
Additionally, Kimi's famous, definitely has more wealth than Chloe, and is, by pretty much anyone's
standard including my own, objectively more attractive than Chloe, at least giving me the ability to
further attempt to understand Kimi's position, but also making Chloe's attitude and behavior even
more infuriating.

People have tried on several occasions to tell me to pursue a woman physically closer to where I'm
at and more "in my league" in terms of looks, money, fame, etc, but even such a woman that I have
interest in treats me ultimately no better than Kimi. She takes my affection, continues to tease me
and leave me under the impression she's turned on by my advances and likes me, but ultimately
chooses to avoid any serious confrontation and ever either admitting she has feelings or that she's
fucking with me.

In conclusion, it seems that the nature of my connection with Kimi has a lot less to do with her
physical distance, attractiveness, or fame getting in the way, and much more to do with the fact that
it seems every woman that I'm interested in and that wishes to express interest in me back, simply
enjoys treating me, at the least certainly while we're not actually dating, unfairly and in a way that I
could never enjoy nor appreciate, and this continues in a fashion that isn't conductive to ever actually
getting a relationship down the line either.

Girls I like seem to just enjoy clowning on me, using me, and disrespecting me even harder than
everyone else.

I can't say I'm surprised. My position in life already attacks people's egos so hard so frequently that I
regularly experience encountering people that feel the need to go out of their way to bash on me for
my degree of awareness of reality and resistance to conforming to the herd of ignorant sheep in
society; after seeing how pursuing Kimi was going for me on top of that, I was never going to be
naive enough ever again to believe that I could pursue a woman and open up to her without the kind
of romantic connection and constant affection I'd need to show her to build a foundation with her for
any kind of meaningful relationship not facilitating the kind of turbulence I normally encounter with
most people being amplified considerably.

Going to the gym or making more money isn't going to change that I'm so intelligent and powerful
that if they ever actually get to know me at all, it scares people, attacks their egos, and makes them
want to either use me for what they can and toss me aside after or desperately plead for their life
with resent in their heart if they end up being so shitty to me that they end up staring death in the
face. The difference is that I now not only have the theoretical explanation, but also an actual
concrete example that should very clearly show to any reasonably intelligent individual that I know
what the fuck I'm talking about.

As the quote goes, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results."

Two middle fingers to all the morons that told me, "Just work on yourself."
Interests

This book already reveals a lot of information about me and gives the reader quite an intimate
glimpse into my life. I feel pretty awkward about it, and I'd rather not if I felt like I could, but after I
thought about it, I realized that I have to explain in considerable detail my sexual interests. As
uncomfortable as it makes me to know a bunch of random people are going to know about them, I
feel like if I don't, many people are going to be left with the impression that someone as bold as me
shouldn't have issue with disclosing such information, and that the reason I didn't must be because
I'm into some crazy shit that's like dangerous or deadly or terrifying or extremely gross, and that I
must've not shared it because it's either detrimental to my ability to achieve my other goals or
because it's simply extremely embarrassing.

Well, I'm very glad to say that my most wild fantasies are actually quite tame and filled with tender
warmth and pleasant interaction with the woman I'm fantasizing about, and as such, as awkward as
it is to share, it's absolutely nothing for me to be ashamed of. I'd much rather share it and feel kind of
weird knowing people know it about me even though I'd rather they didn't, then not share it and let
people's imaginations run wild, most likely often thinking the worst. Things could get really messy
and bad if I'm not open about this.

Besides, how is Kimi supposed to approach me in the way she knows she can feel most confident,
sexy, warm, and graceful, if I don't make it completely clear to her exactly what I'd love to see from
her and do with her more than anything else? I've already told her this stuff in private via emails, but
I also feel that I should mention it here so she doesn't think I was making it up. I don't want her being
worried about some crazy shit and having that possibly single-handedly terrifying her away from
pursuing me properly.

I have three fetishes. Asian women (specifically Koreans are my favorite by far), women with big
butts, and latex (especially seeing women in a pair of tight, black, shiny latex leggings). Seeing a
really hot Korean woman with a big butt showing it off in a pair of tight, black, shiny latex leggings is
pretty much as hot as it gets for me. So basically, if Kimi wore those latex leggings, that's really a
dream come true.

Of actual sexual acts I'm interested in and aroused by most, assjobs definitely take the number one
spot. Then blowjobs, boobjobs, and handjobs, in that order. If Kimi's more tired and doesn't want to
move around much, I'd also really love to kiss each of her butt cheeks many times, as well as let her
watch me touch myself to her in front of her while she gently and warmly encourages me to keep
going and reach a very pleasant orgasm.
I can't imagine anything in this world being more arousing, pleasant, and satisfying than rubbing up
against Kimi's perfectly voluptuous goddess butt while she's wearing tight, black, shiny latex
leggings, and depending on my mood also perhaps a tight shiny latex top and possibly also latex
gloves, asking me if it feels good and sensually moaning, while I'm gently caressing her breasts and
telling her she's a perfectly voluptuous goddess that couldn't possibly be doing a better job fulfilling
my wildest fantasies, as I'm wearing a condom and a mostly similar latex outfit, sensually moaning in
pleasure myself. Because of my latex fetish, I actually genuinely really enjoy wearing condoms and
would want to wear them often no matter what we're doing.

As you can see, my desires are quite tame. Nothing scary, painful, degrading, or dangerous in any
way. I'm actually pretty certain Kimi would love to do this knowing I'll enjoy it immensely. Assuming
she loves me of course.

It's worth mentioning that I don't enjoy being denied of anything I want, to any extent, especially
sexually. In fact, I find anything and everything on the entire BDSM spectrum extremely unappealing
and a massive turn-off, in any and every situation. Any of my desires or things I can enjoy that may
make it seem to others like I'm into these things, I actually like for different reasons.

For example, in the case of touching myself to a goddess in front of her while she's watching and
encouraging me, it seems like many others enjoy such a thing because it makes them feel weak and
as if they're being dominated. That's not the perspective I look at it from, and I in fact would find it
absolutely disgusting if a woman was thinking that way about it and doing it for enjoyment of it for
that reason.

The way I look at it is that, specifically in the case of a perfectly voluptuous goddess, as absolutely
must be the case for me to feel comfortable doing such a thing with someone, she deserves to know
that she's extremely arousing to the fullest extent, such that I even enjoy letting her fully relax from
needing to provide any physical contact to stimulate arousal, and instead letting her simply observe
and bask in the glory of her perfectly voluptuous body's sex appeal; it's a gesture of kindness,
appreciation, respect, love, and affection, not some form of domination and submission. This is why I
can also enjoy a perfectly voluptuous goddess touching herself in front of me while I watch and
encourage her as well.

I've seen entire K-pop girl groups where every single member was very attractive, shaking their
really sexy asses in front of the camera in tight, black, shiny latex leggings, which was my ultimate
fantasy to see for the longest time and should have captured my attention relentlessly since, and yet
even that hasn't managed to gather remotely as much arousal and desire in me as Kimi has done
extremely consistently ever since I first started being attracted to her.
After much deep thinking and reflection, I've realized it becomes extremely dishonest and
irresponsible not to be completely set on having my cock milked by Kimi for the rest of my life, so I'm
just going to pursue so in this book without caring about my actual chances of success, and just
keep my word on my course of action if it doesn't happen.
Perspective

I've never been in a relationship in my entire life. I've had opportunities, or at least I think I did, but it
never seemed to be with any woman I actually found very appealing and was interested in putting
the effort into working through a relationship with. For much of my life, dating and relationships
weren't something I really put much thought into. I knew I wanted a relationship eventually. I knew I
wanted to find a really attractive and pleasant to be around woman and I knew it was really important
to me.

I knew I've always had an extremely high sex drive and my partner needed to be a woman I not only
found extremely physically attractive but who also could handle satisfying my immense sexual
desires. I very clearly knew all the things I was into sexually from a very young age, ever since I
started developing any sexual interests and desires at all, and those interests and desires never
even remotely wavered throughout my entire life. My positions on sexuality and my sexual interests
remained as consistent and strong as my view on the very real feeling I've had for as long as I can
remember that I want to express myself as a woman and also that I never want to have children,
which are factors that only served to make things a lot more complicated.

Since I've always known I'm exclusively interested in women sexually and most women want to have
children at least eventually, I'm some strange kind of lesbian that has long-term desires incompatible
with likely the majority of women out there, and any woman that would ever genuinely find me
considerably romantically and sexually appealing, especially as a life partner, has to have
considerably unique tastes.

I've heard a lot about relationships. Namely that if you don't get one coming your way, you should
keep working on improving yourself and it'll eventually come. That's literally what I've been hearing
since elementary school. There's a lot of different information out there depending on who you ask
and where you look, and some information is better than others, while some is extremely contextual
and certainly shouldn't be thrown around as loosely as it is. Regardless, I've never focused much at
all on seeking advice about relationships.

There really isn't a whole lot of useful information out there for people as strange as I am. I very
quickly adopted the mindset that I should just keep working on myself and it'll come eventually. For
the longest time, I had extremely low self-esteem along with severe anxiety and depression issues,
mostly from a combination of all the abuse I had to deal with from my parents since childhood
combined with the massive amount of gender dysphoria that I always felt ever since I became aware
of the disconnect I felt between my gender and my sexuality at a young age. I knew that until I dealt
with these things at least to a reasonable extent, I'd most likely be dysfunctional in a relationship
anyways, even if I managed to somehow find a woman who I found sufficiently appealing that also
found me appealing and wanted to pursue a relationship with me.

I've always been well aware of the distinguished properties between lusting and loving. Lusting is a
purely physical attraction, whereas loving is emotionally involved. Because I've always had the
mentality that if I ever entered a relationship it should be one I take extremely seriously and where I
plan to marry the woman and spend my life with her, I saw it as very black and white. Lusting after a
woman meant that I needed to touch myself to her until she didn't turn me on much anymore, and
loving a woman, if I ever got to truly feel it, would have to be something I very clearly take
transparent action upon the moment I realize my feelings towards a woman that I feel it towards. In
that scenario, she'd either reciprocate my feelings and we could try to go somewhere with our
connection, or she wouldn't and I'd have to accept that it wasn't meant to be and look for another
woman.

The trouble with this view is that it's naive and doesn't always work in real life in either regard. Even
though I thought it was foolproof because it helped me deal with my lust towards many women and
even eventually the woman I obsessed over for a solid four years in elementary school that I thought
I was madly in love with, eventually, I started to see issues with its long-term viability as my life went
on.

These days, it's crystal clear to me that I need a different approach to cope with my desires.

I've ended up with one woman whom I can't stop finding extremely arousing and touching myself to
very regularly to this day, even after we had a pretty harsh falling out long ago without ever even
having dated and I've had to deal with over seven years of touching myself to her very regularly
since, after already having touched myself to her very regularly 2 years prior for a total of over nine
years of touching myself to her, and another whom has been sending me extremely mixed signals
since the very beginning of our connection, showing me a shockingly notable amount of affection the
whole time while also being very cold and distant when it came to confronting the feelings she was
seemingly trying to express to me that she had, having a mental breakdown on stream and nearly
crying because she missed me after I left her alone for less than two months, clearly showing she
enjoyed when I showed intense sexual desire for her by going so far as to communicate to me that I
made her wet when I called her a goddess and even to the point of communicating that she found it
romantic when I finally started expressing to her after over two years of not saying any such things
that I touch myself to her and want to have sex with her every day for the rest of my life, and yet she
never let things progress any further to the point of actually officially dating and having sex with me.

Now I'm just left alone and deeply unhappy, yet I can't stop touching myself to these women multiple
times daily, and not being any less attracted to either of them no matter how many times I touch
myself to them or how angry and sad I get about the harsh past experiences I've had to deal with
because of them and how I've ended up now because of it.

I've now felt so much desire for both of their bodies extremely consistently and gone through so
many difficult experiences emotionally because of them as well to the point that it's starting to seem
to me like I shouldn't even want to ever stop being extremely aroused by either of them, and instead
simply embrace the shadows and act towards achieving the dark thoughts the extremely intense and
completely unsatisfied attraction both of these women have inspired in me has caused.
Darkness

Since I'm expecting the worst, I find it appropriate to explain exactly what's going to happen to these
women since it seems quite likely that this book is a futile attempt to make things better. It's not
going to be me simply hunting the girl down like some average person, and she's not just going to be
buried in some forest somewhere once I'm done with torturing her and having my way with her
sexually, as most other people would likely contemplate upon and perhaps plan towards.

Like I've mentioned before, obviously, at the end of the year I'll be going into isolation to practice tier
3 quantum energy harvesting meditation for about 2-3 years, which is most likely sufficient to
develop quantum energy arts abilities to the extent that I can single-handedly actively rule the entire
planet as its effective dictator.

Once I reemerge into society, the first thing on my mind will be my immense and entirely
unquenched sexual desires towards Kimi and Chloe. Instead of instantly making a scene, I'm going
to first find and kidnap these women; a trivial task for someone who can find people using their
energy signature and can use quantum energy to manipulate matter easily.

I'm going to torture both Kimi and Chloe extensively. I'm going to strip them naked and make them
face each other as they watch what's going to happen to them happening to each other. Since
they're the only women on the planet that can turn me on like they do and that I have any serious
desire to regularly and frequently engage in sexual acts with for the rest of eternity, since I'd already
know I can never get such things from them willingly, once I'm done torturing and raping them in
front of each other while I laugh as they're crying and begging for mercy, I'll start putting into motion
my plan to preserve their bodies so I can use them for sexual release whenever I want in between
periods of wreaking havoc and destruction upon the world. I'll be sure to test and perfect the process
on some mediocre women first, while letting Kimi and Chloe watch as they're tied up and unable to
escape of course, to make sure their bodies are perfectly preserved for my use throughout the
period I'm ending the world.

I'm going to bring them to a secure location and restrain them from ever being able to escape. I'll
sedate them just enough that they won't be yelling and struggling, but still conscious. I'll have my
way with them, and you can bet I won't make it pleasant for them. The way they've been responding
to my affection thus far would only add gas to the flame of them not following through with
demonstrating the level of affection they led me to believe they had for me. Once I feel satisfied
hurting them, I'm going to prepare the process.

First, I'll take out the airtight full enclosure latex catsuits they're going to suffocate and die in. I'll
nonchalantly explain to their sedated and helpless bodies what I'm about to do to them, while I watch
their reaction for my personal amusement. Next, I'm going to fit their naked bodies tightly and
securely into the full enclosure latex catsuits. I'll carefully seal and melt shut with additional pieces of
latex any routes air could ever pass through the suit, except for one small hole. Finally, I'll suck every
bit of remaining air out of the suit using a pump via that hole, and then melt and seal it up, making
everything permanently completely airtight.

They're going to suffocate and die in that heavily sedated state, and at that point, they'd become my
permanent, lifelong perfectly voluptuous latex fuck doll goddesses. The airtight latex catsuit encasing
their bodies will both provide a sexy layer of latex around their body to turn me on, as well as prevent
any oxygen from making contact with it; their bodies will never rot. Their limp, latex-encased bodies
will be available exclusively for me to get pleasure from them however I please. I'll be able to rub my
dick up against their latex covered ass, tits, face, and the rest of their entire bodies, all throughout
the duration I'm wreaking havoc and destroying everything and killing everyone else in the world.

It turns out my latex fetish is quite convenient for me to be able to use them like that if it comes to it.

As much as it makes me sad, angry, and sick in a very real way, thinking of being able to use these
girls as latex fuck doll goddesses if they won't cooperate is actually a quite pleasant thought, one
that becomes more and more appealing every day that they don't clearly communicate with me that
I'm going to get what I really want from them instead of having to turn them into one. As loving as I
can be if they'll be loving, I also intend to be equally as hateful if they intend to be hateful.

I've already explained to both of them that there's really absolutely no way for them to get out of this.
Even if they think of doing something as crazy as getting breast and/or butt reduction surgery to
make themselves no longer perfectly voluptuous and immensely arousing to me, thinking that'll
make me stop wanting them and therefore leave them alone, I certainly don't want them to do that
and it certainly won't get me to leave them alone.

If they do that, I'll have to torture them even more after I kidnap them, pay off Shadow Confederation
doctors to give them breast and/or butt enhancement surgery to restore their appearance to the way
they were when they turned me on as much as they originally did, then torture them more after the
surgeries are complete, then turn them into my latex fuck doll goddesses. They basically would've
wasted a bunch of money and time and went through a bunch of pain, only to deserve and receive
even more pain than they would've otherwise received, have their bodies restored to their perfectly
voluptuous state that I love so much, and still end up my latex fuck doll goddesses with just as much
capacity to arouse and pleasure me anyways.

I highly doubt they'll want to take crazy actions like that, but I've very clearly stated it to them so they
know my position clearly.
I've also explained very clearly to them that if they think my position's going to change through
feeling sorry for them over time for whatever reason, I want them to understand completely clearly to
forget about it. Refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value is extremely mature and
passionately love-filled. The most mature and passionately love-filled thing that exists is sexual
activity with those you're extremely attracted to.

I'd never compromise my core value and my innermost deepest desires to satisfy the in comparison
insignificant pleas of people who must not even remotely understand my core value nor what I've
been going through every single day because of my extremely intense desires for years towards
both of these women, which at that point I'd know will never go away for the rest of my life.

Finally, I considered that knowing all this, perhaps they may want to kill themselves. I've also
mentioned to them that I don't want them to do that either. I can't turn them into latex fuck doll
goddesses if they're already dead and rotting.

Afterwards, I'll proceed to eliminate the others on the hits list, simply killing them to set an example
of them to the rest of the world of what happens when you disrespect me. Then, I'll spend a
significant period of time enjoying my latex fuck doll goddesses extremely thoroughly, as they would
undoubtedly be calling on me to utilize them for extensive and extremely thorough sexual relief.

I've had to put in such an immense effort, go through so much pain, suffering, risk, and uncertainty
throughout my whole life in order to not only survive but also come out on top of all of my immense
struggles, culminating in reaching the point where I literally wrote this huge book about why I'm going
to single-handedly destroy the world, and all of that only to end up more hurt and alienated than
ever?

They should expect nothing less.

Anyone that tries to get in my way dies. Anyone opposed to my will dies. Anyone that so much as
bothers me by doing something that even slightly angers me dies. Not even the finest military-grade
weaponry in the hands of the most trained assassins will be able to stop me.
Communication

After so much has been said, I find it necessary to clearly communicate exactly the requirements I
have for a connection with Kimi to possess in order for me to find it sufficiently suitable to not make
me want to destroy the world. I care about this connection a lot, and as Kimi herself has admitted
before, if you care about a connection with someone, you should put as much effort as necessary to
communicate clearly with them. So I'm going to be as clear as I can be here.

As badly as I want this relationship, I'd rather have none of it and just destroy the world than engage
in something that I know will result in me ending up getting used and tossed aside, especially with
the woman thinking she deserves to be able to do so and/or that I wanted it despite however much I
may say and attempt to prove that I don't.

If this relationship doesn't work, I'll end up going into isolation and destroying the world anyway, but
if I let it happen that I enter a relationship destined to fail first, that would be putting myself in that
position after being used and tortured instead of avoiding that misery. She'll end up using me,
treating me like shit, making me leave her because she was so bad to me, and then demonize me
as if it's my fault things didn't work and she was so good to me when that wouldn't be true at all, but
people would surely take her side since I already seem like the villain and she seems like a victim.

This possibility alone upsets me so greatly that I seriously considered giving up entirely, but I
decided that my love for Kimi is so great that I still want to see what could possibly happen if I don't.

If I'm going to be in a relationship, there are multiple things that I need to communicate to whoever
I'm with. I realize that I'm seeking quite an ideal scenario, but it's absolutely necessary if this is going
to work at all; this only further reduces my already really small hope that somehow things could work
out. I've been really worried that it's not even possible, but whatever tiny hope I've managed to hold
onto has compelled me to go so far as to write this entire book, so I might as well break down the
points of considerable concern to me.

 I must be able to feel certain that it isn't some kind of advanced revenge plot by the
girl against me for basically existing.

This is especially true with my connection with Kimi after things have gone this far that I've actually
reached the point that I'm writing this book.

 I don't want to be treated poorly and looked down upon, but I want to be very kind,
considerate, and affectionate, even though I don't necessarily have to be.

Being kind and sweet may leave someone to feel I'm weak-minded and in a romantic relationship
that can even become very detrimental as the other person may start getting enjoyment out of
treating me poorly because they think I like it. This potential for misinterpreting my feelings is very
concerning and would destroy any relationship I'd have.

 I don't want to be used and abandoned, but I want to be very generous and open with
my possessions and my heart.

Being vulnerable and generous leaves you open to being taken advantage of and tossed aside, and
I also find it very concerning how someone in a position of such power as myself may give off the
extremely inaccurate impression that I want that kind of situation.

 I don't want to have children and I don't want whoever I'm with to ever get pregnant or
give birth, for multiple reasons.

From a very young age, as far back as I can remember, I've never wanted kids or found having them
at all appealing. This position has never even slightly wavered as I've grown throughout my entire
life.

It's not about the money nor the partner.

In general, I strongly dislike immaturity, and children are the epitome of that. I also strongly dislike
feeling like I have a very unfair amount of control over someone (whether I have any intent to abuse
it or not), and children are the epitome of that too. I also know that I'm so powerful that I don't want
children that surpass me, meaning they can only be either disappointments or enemies, and I
already know that before they're even conceived.

I'd much rather have time to be alone with my partner and would find intimacy far more satisfying
than raising children could ever be.

Although those reasons alone are plenty sufficient for me to never want children under any
circumstances, giving birth also considerably weakens a woman's energy core and makes it much
more difficult if not impossible for her to ever achieve immortality with the quantum energy arts, and
since I'm certainly fixed on becoming immortal, I must be entering a relationship with a woman who's
just as fixed on becoming immortal as I am and wants to spend the rest of time with me enough that
she can easily put aside any desire for children she may have in favor of immortality. An adopted
child still carries all the other issues I have with children, and I find it even more unappealing to raise
a child that's not my own blood as well.

I'm entirely confident my position on this matter will never change under any circumstances, and this
alone will definitely ruin everything if Kimi can't accept it.
  I want to have sexual activities very frequently and feel thoroughly sexually satisfied
at all times, also doing the same for who I'm with.

I've made my interests and desires very clear to Kimi, but I have no idea what she herself is into,
which is concerning. Certain things I don't find particularly interesting but I'm okay with her finding
pleasant, and others would be unbearable and single-handedly ruin everything.

Kimi's fetishes aside, I'm so powerful that I'm worried it's going to be a massive power dynamic
imbalance. If Kimi finally believes that she must actually have insanely massive sex appeal to me for
me to be picking just being with her over multiple partners, she's going to realize that she turns me
on so much that she actually has a lot of power with her sex appeal that has a lot of potential for
abuse if she wants to be careless. I feel like someone with the amount of power that I have certainly
shouldn't be limiting themselves to a single woman, but at the same time it feels like demanding
multiple women is setting myself up to fail. Because my goal is to have an immensely loving, mature,
healthy relationship, then I obviously can't force Kimi if I don't get the sex I want from her. She has to
be willing every time, and I have a huge sex drive, so I need to be pleasured and cum several times
a day.

Even if Kimi's able to keep up with my sex drive, if she knows that I have such a high sex drive and
on top of that she is so sexy to me that I find her hotter than an entire harem of women, she's going
to realize that she has so much power with her sex appeal that it's terrifying to me that it would seem
there's no way that she's going to be able to control herself not to take advantage of and abuse the
fact that she's the only person I can ever have sex with.

Effectively, she can be extremely hurtful, end up making me extremely upset, and all she has to do
is take her clothes off and approach me naked or in latex, and she'll always end up getting her way
with me because I'll be too horny to resist her. Unless I'm going to become a degenerate and start
cheating on her, which ruins our relationship, then she's going to start simply demanding things and
being controlling and brutal with the massive sex appeal that she knows she has, and there won't
really be anything I can do about it.

I'm extremely concerned that there becomes seemingly no reason why she has to refrain from taking
advantage of this massive sex appeal that she knows she has, and that eventually she's going to
take advantage of it more and more, and that's going to ruin our relationship because as I said I
don't enjoy being denied of anything, which goes especially for sex, and I'm certainly not trying to be
used and abandoned. I'm not trying to be taken advantage of and milked for all my money, energy,
knowledge, and any other resources; the only thing I'm trying to get milked of is cum out of my cock,
and I'm worried she's not going to be wanting to milk me in a truly satisfying way if she realizes that
she has so much sex appeal she can take advantage of.
Basically, she ends up left unchecked because I have to only have sex with her and she's going to
be able to openly flaunt in my face constantly that she's so sexy to me that I'd rather have her than
multiple women at the same time and that as a result she knows I'll never stop craving her and she
gets to pretty much do whatever she wants to me and I just have to take it if I don't plan on leaving
her. I want to give my bae an amazing life, hopefully everything she could ever want and more, but
being left unchecked allows her to become boundlessly demanding, toxic, and erode at and
eventually destroy our connection.

Even worse is that even though I'm making this so clear now, if our relationship were to fail later
because she's not satisfying me enough, I become the bad guy. What's most frightening to me is
that there isn't even any kind of partial solution to this. I simply have to trust her (and hope she has a
huge sex drive like me).

 I want us to be completely open and honest with each other without fear.

I want to stress that this should be a healthy relationship, which means that neither of us should be
holding in our concerns about anything. We should be communicating well to each other at all times.

I'm transgendered, which means that although I was born a man, I see myself as more of a woman,
and I definitely wish to much more clearly express that outwardly in the future eventually. In my case
specifically, I do however really like having my dick, particularly because I want it very regularly
thoroughly pleasured by my partner. I ultimately consider myself a woman with a dick that has some
tendencies towards masculinity/isn't afraid to express myself in ways typically considered masculine.

As a result, I know that whatever woman I end up with must like women to a very significant extent
to like me. I have worry that she might resent me for denying her of being able to comfortably have
sex with a woman with a vagina, regardless of how much she may deny it. At the same time, she
must certainly like that I have a dick.

This is something that our relationship can overcome if she expresses herself honestly should she
feel that way, but it's going to erode at it slowly but surely if she feels afraid to be honest.

I'm also worried she's going to eventually feel like by choosing to be with her exclusively, it's as if I
wanted to force myself to be tied down when I really shouldn't be to the extent that I am, as if there
was something about being controlled or restricted that I inherently enjoyed. That's certainly not the
case, but I'm really worried she might start trying to "read between the lines" too hard and is going to
end up feeling like I have some repressed desires that perhaps I'm not even aware of; that's very
concerning for me because I'm very conscious of things like that where over time there might be
certain things that I definitely don't feel but they might end up being misunderstood and ruin the
connection.
As a woman who'll get to know me feels more intimate and comfortable with me, she might feel like
she knows things about me that I am keeping as a massive secret from her or perhaps that I don't
even know about myself, and I've been trying my hardest to avoid any kind of misunderstandings like
that because this working out properly means the absolute world to me and I can't afford it ending up
fucked up over some convoluted implication thing like that. You'd think simply communicating would
solve this, but when the foundation our relationship being very complicated could lead to excessively
trying to "read between the lines", even stating a position clearly verbally may not really be
understood as such.

This applies to a much broader scope than the example I just presented and perhaps I'm
overthinking this. Regardless, that's the whole point I'm trying to make; in this regard, it should be
made very clear that we should be speaking our minds very transparently with each other, and when
something is very firmly stated as such, we should feel comfortable being able to take it at face value
and not have to wrack our brains trying to interpret hidden meanings or alternative intentions.

 I want us to be as warm, gentle, tender, understanding, and affectionate to each other

as possible at all times.

Being open and honest is no excuse to be toxic. Transparency is necessary for ultimately
maintaining peace and facilitating mutual growth, but I want to be very warm and gentle constantly
and shower my partner with tender love and affection; they have to be able to both accept that
gracefully and reciprocate it well.

 I want the relationship to last forever, otherwise known as until the end of time, and I
always want it to be the best relationship we could ever imagine having.

Writing a book about single-handedly destroying the world if I can't have Kimi may seem like quite a
shaky foundation to many, but I see it as the most solid foundation a relationship could ever have. I
have all the purest and warmest intentions, and if Kimi has a good heart and loves me, then our
relationship should be very pleasant for both of us and very well built to last eternity. This is what I've
always wanted.

 I want to be able to trust her with the energy arts which is necessary for their
longevity of life, but also know she won't use it against me.

This ties in strongly with concern about a revenge plot as well as concern about being used and
abandoned. I'm not going to be revealing all of these secrets very early on in the relationship, so
Kimi shouldn't be expecting that. Still, I want her to become stronger as time passes, so I'll have to
gradually share more and more, eventually telling her most of what I know. She'll be able to become
very powerful, and I need our relationship to be strong enough that I can feel very confident she's not
going to share this information with anyone nor ever use the abilities that she acquires against me.

 I need her to end up with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.

Being extremely intelligent isn't an inherent requirement I ever had for a partner, but whoever I'm
with needs to actively work towards achieving the strongest core value possible, the same one I
have, until they achieve it. Since I have this core value and function at such a high level, and also
because it's necessary for mastering the quantum energy arts, my partner must also achieve this
core value in order for us to work very well together for a very long period of time. It's also necessary
for us to retain a healthy relationship in general.

It's terrifying to me that late in a relationship and especially after marriage, my partner might start
dangling sex in front of my face like a carrot expecting me to beg desperately for it and then denying
me most of the time of it or making me work very hard to get it. I feel like it doesn't matter even if I
become considerably physically attractive; she'll know I have an extremely high sex drive and want
to be pleasured by her practically constantly, so she never has to ask me for it or even act like she
wants it at all and she'll know I'll still want it so badly that I'll have to ask her for it myself, putting me
in an unacceptably weak position in the relationship.

I worry that eventually her ego is going to become massive because she has no good reason to be
humbled and she'll end up expecting me to let her bang other guys, possibly even watching, and
expect me to thank her for doing it. That would definitely cause an unhealthy relationship because I
know that's something I could never enjoy, and the relationship would end up failing, her even trying
to blame it failing on me, stating that she thought I liked it.

In general, one most likely will not simply let go of their ego because they choose to, but rather life
must put them in circumstances where they are pressured to and they must be humble and realize
that it is the right way to go and figure out what it really means and how to act properly.

I'm terrified that simply even leaving that seeming like an option for her will leave her under the
impression that letting her lose control of her ego and treat me pretty much like a dog is what I
secretly want. It certainly is not what I want and I'm being completely honest about that, but I really
don't know how much of an impact simply having that position will have when the circumstances
remain as such.

The only true solution is for her to rid herself of any active ego entirely, solving this problem, which
can only be achieved with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension.
Decision

Essentially, there are multiple very good reasons why if I don't get to date and eventually marry Kimi
and spend the rest of my life with her, then I absolutely have to give up on ever having any kind of
meaningful relationship with any romantic partner, and I either have to give up on ever getting sex
and just jerk off to women for the rest of my life, or I have to only have sex with prostitutes and
random sluts, and that's always going to feel very empty and meaningless to someone like me that
seeks deep emotional connection and meaning in my relationships. Without her, I'll never be able to
find a satisfying romantic relationship, and since I absolutely need that kind of a connection in order
to ever feel happy, I'm going to end up extremely depressed, miserable, and I'm going to end up
destroying the world and that is an absolute fact.

This also needs to start happening before the end of the year, because I've reached a point in my life
where Kimi has expressed extremely intense feelings towards me and I've reciprocated it. If we don't
take this somewhere soon, then we're going to start feeling insecure about our feelings toward each
other and start overthinking it and wondering if this could ever really work and ignoring the fact that it
absolutely needs to if we don't want the world to end soon. Panicking, overthinking, and feeling
insecure until we don't act and then end up losing the opportunity, losing any potential we have left
for ever being able to mutually trust and respect each other, fucking everything up when we could
have something heavenly together, would be terribly tragic for both of us as well as the rest of the
world.

If it doesn't happen before the end of the year, then it's just never going to happen and there's
definitely no good reason whatsoever for me to ever believe otherwise. With me finishing writing this
book, I have to be able to see results quickly, otherwise I'm not going to have any good reason to
believe it's ever going to go anywhere and I'm just going to feel even more alienated from society
than I already do and going into complete isolation and destroying the world is going to very quickly
start holding great appeal to the point where I certainly will end up doing it and then any hope Kimi
has to make things right goes away and everything's fucked.

Ever since I started my connection with Kimi, I've spent the last three years trying my hardest to
passionately pursue her instead of working hard on game development, which I would have been
very significantly progressed in by now had I not stopped it entirely to devote myself to Kimi. I gave
up opportunities at fame, both in a potential position on the CX Network that I could have got when I
went to meet Ice, as well as debating with Destiny using my knowledge of philopsychology. I had
(and still have) a very tense and uncertain situation with my connection with Kimi, which I find
unacceptable if I was to pursue fame, at least while remaining in society to actually make use of it.
I've made sacrifices for Kimi that I can only ever make once in my life and therefore only build an
emotional foundation with someone in that way once. I picked her as worthy of my time, energy,
love, and trust. After people saw the kind of intensity and passion that I would pursue Kimi, there
have been multiple women on more than one occasion that have expressed interest in me and
attempted to get my attention. Even certain girls that I was friends with in the past online before I met
Kimi started expressing interest in dating me. The girls that I didn't know that expressed interest in
me, I never so much as said a word to them. The girls I was friends with that started expressing
interest in dating me, I maintained as much distance as possible and eventually cut them out of my
life as quickly as I could while not doing so in a hostile manner. I was giving up relationships with
women I found appealing, dreaming of Kimi, before I even knew she actually existed. I put
everything I had into my connection with Kimi and now I must know if it was worth it.

Despite everything, I still have so many warm feelings towards Kimi. She's the woman I'll forever be
absolutely convinced is my vision of an absolutely perfectly voluptuous goddess and my absolute
dream woman in all respects. Not only is she absolutely flawlessly perfect in every single way
physically, she's also the perfect combination of cute and sexy. I've decided to hope that she's been
doing all of this out of a deeply passionate desire for a relationship with me that she only ever
imagined in her wildest dreams. I've written this book hoping that she has a warm heart inside and
her cold behavior is simply a result of her past traumas and the difficulty of the situation.

I've made my decision and now it's time for Kimi to make hers.
 The International Ultimatum
THIS IS AN INTERNATIONAL ULTIMATUM BEING GIVEN BY A TIER 3 QUANTUM ENERGY
ARTS USER FROM THE 5TH DIMENSION.

Kimi Park, I'm really happy that I showed you the initial versions of this message because it really
allowed me to refine my approach and address this situation the way it needed to be addressed. I
promised I'd do this, but I'm not doing it just because I promised, I'm doing it because it feels so right
in every way.

Here's the TL;DR: I truly love you with all of my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I'm already completely ready and willing to enter into a serious (and I'm not accepting long-distance)
relationship with you, but I know this situation is complicated and you'd possibly feel the need to test
me before you feel confident in our foundation. If you want to test me now, go ahead; I'll pass with
flying colors. After you're satisfied, you need to contact me directly and start seriously pursuing a
relationship with me. The time for games and hesitation will be over. If you don't do so appropriately,
I'm going to start intense meditation in isolation, and if you leave me alone that way, when I come
back to society in a few years, I'm going to rip this entire world apart and anyone that opposed our
marriage is going to seriously regret it, including you. I don't want to be with anyone else and I never
will. I won't change my mind on this position no matter what anyone says or does and this isn't even
slightly up for debate or negotiation. Nobody should be laughing because I already know I have
every intention and desire of being extremely destructive without you in my life and I have such great
capacity to be destructive if I want to be that I have no issue globally being considered a tyrant if
that's what it takes to get the one thing I've only ever really wanted out of life. We've been through so
much that you've thoroughly convinced me that you want me really badly too and we've both worked
so hard towards being with each other in the end that we definitely deserve it. Everyone at all
involved in your life should choose their position very carefully and think twice about what they're
really fighting against before opposing what we both really want. If you've actually just been playing
with me this whole time, you've doomed yourself, any partners you might ever take seriously in the
future, and the entire world as a whole, to a terrible fate, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

1. RECENTLY.

Near the end of last year, I went on Ice's stream and pretended to hate you. Afterwards, I tried my
best to communicate to you in detail that I actually have a lot of warm feelings towards you, that I
was just pretending to hate you, and that I really just wanted you to take this more seriously, just as
I'd told you was my intent before I did it. Not too long ago, you said you like people who are real, and
you like to talk out issues and misunderstandings that you have with people. I'm being completely
real here, and I like to talk out issues and misunderstandings as well. Originally, I thought there were
only 2 real options for you to pick from moving forward: Call me and tell me you love me, or call me
and tell me to kill myself. I realize that's not really the case. You might feel like you have a 3rd option
of trying to ignore me and this situation or maybe trying to dismiss it like it's a joke or something.
Maybe you even think I want that. I really don't. I suppose that would seem like it's working short-
term, but long-term you'd realize it's not bringing a resolution. You might also feel like you have a 4th
option of dating someone else and thinking that will resolve this situation and I'll just decide that's
when to give up. You might even be misunderstanding the situation so hard that you think I'm doing
this to try to force or encourage you to date someone else; that's not the case at all. I'm not exactly
sure what rationale you're trying to use to justify that belief, maybe you think I secretly believe we're
better off without each other. I don't. I want you to talk to me and tell me you miss me and love me
and want to marry me so we can start pursuing a serious relationship. Even if you decide to push me
away long-term, driving me into deep isolation, and enter into a relationship with someone else now
or enter any number of relationships while I'm in isolation, it won't change how I feel.

2. MEMORIES.

From the first day I started talking to you, you shook my world. So sweet and seemingly very
lighthearted, but also sharp and lowkey very serious and contemplative. When I met you in person,
shortly after I joined your community, it was the first time I ever felt genuinely happy in my entire life.
It became the best memory of my life instantly and remains so to this day. I already knew I liked you
and could see real potential in wanting to spend the rest of my life with you even before, but you
touched my heart when I met you and I left that meetup in love and truly feeling that you're my
dream girl. You're so perfectly beautiful on the inside and everything I ever wanted on the outside
too. You always make me feel warm and happy. I'm so sorry for all the times I've hurt you. I'm so
sorry for all the times I was so harsh. I'm so sorry for all the mean things I've said to you. I really did
mean it every time I was warm to you. When I was mean, I wasn't genuinely hating on you; I really
did want your attention and affection so badly this whole time. But it's not just that... I wanted to see
how loving you really could be. How compatible we really could be. Your patience and resilience
always filled me with warmth and hope and made me need more. When I think of you, I only see
warm and happy memories. I only feel love and trust. Early on, I told you that I hoped one day, you
could remember me for warm and happy things... I still feel that way. I feel like I would do anything
for you, anything that makes sense. I'm not sure what else I can do right now, but I know that
pouring my heart out to you in public like this makes sense. I've done it privately so many times now,
and even if you really never want to talk to me again, I want you to at least know I was being real.

3. PRECIOUS.

I also want you to know I'm not ashamed of how I feel. I would proudly tell anyone that you're the
love of my life, the person I consider my soulmate, and I couldn't have asked for anyone more
perfect for me and I will forever feel that way. You deserve it. You're the most precious person in the
world to me and you deserve to know that. When I say I love you, it's so much more than just 3
words to me. You have my heart. I put you above everyone else. I trust you like I've never trusted
anyone ever before, like I'll never be able to trust anyone else, to the point that I trust you with my
life. I feel a connection with you that I've never felt with anyone else before, one that I know I could
never feel with anyone else. You're so extremely unique that I feel absolutely certain I could never
find someone I adore so much ever again in my life. I'm so happy you exist. You make me always
want to be the best version of myself I can be. So many things happened so perfectly, at the right
time, the right place, and it came together to be something I find so amazing, and I thought I'd never
be able to have it... Before I found you. You're a piece of me that I never wish I didn't need. You
complete me. You're my everything. I don't want to live without you. I never thought I'd understand
these kinds of things when I heard them said by others, but you made me understand. And I have no
regrets. I love you. I'll always love you. Always.

4. DATING.

Despite all of these feelings and how deep and real they are to me and that I know they'll never
change, I fully acknowledge that we aren't dating and never have. I've never been dishonest with
myself to think that, it was never my intent to present it that way and be dishonest with others, and
I'm not trying to be dishonest with this message either. That being said, I don't just want to date you
anyways; I want to marry you. Your lack of direct contact with me right now shows me that you need
some space for at least a little while, which I can understand. If a longer time passes and you don't
directly contact me to pursue a serious relationship, I'll go into deeper isolation and I'll start to train
my abilities even more intensely. Whether they'll end up being used for constructive or destructive
reasons, which would depend on your future actions, I don't know. If you love me, you'll start missing
me a lot eventually (hopefully pretty quickly, but it might take some time) and contact me. I'll always
be here for you until the day I die. If you ever decide to talk to me and tell me you love me and want
to be with me, I'll warmly accept and come to you without any fighting or playing games. That's a
promise. Without you, I actually feel a very deep-rooted and intense need to meditate as much as
possible while awake, or I'll very quickly start to feel intense existential dissonance and start to seek
death actively. I've already told you that it's reached a point where I've ended up doing research on
the most painless way for someone to kill themselves and found out it's through suffocating with
helium. That headspace is a place I'd rather not return to; it's a terrible feeling. I want it to be clear
that trying not to deal with this properly (meaning anything other than directly contacting me and
telling me you love me and want to be with me, with the serious intention to pursue it) is no better
than directly and honestly telling me to kill myself, so if that's going to be the approach you're taking,
you should just tell me that and not hold back. The fact that you haven't already is actually
something that gives me a lot of hope in itself... But even if you did, it wouldn't change how much I
love you and want to be with you. I've told you in the past that I consider you my future wife and it
should be getting more and more clear how serious I was when I said that and that I still see you that
way.

5. ENERGY.

I'd train my energy regardless, but in isolation and spending all day on it, things go much faster. In
that sense, even if I'm meant to destroy the world, you're still pushing me to be the best version of
myself. If you're wondering how I'd afford it, I'm far from rich, but I have plenty enough money if I'm
being reasonably efficient; I've already prepared and thought this all through well. I know that if I end
up having to meditate in isolation for years, it'd probably take me anywhere from about 2-5 years to
reach the kind of strength I need for my goals, which would be when I'm basically invincible and
insanely powerful. After 1 year, I'll most likely already be quite dangerous. After 2 years, flawless and
far-reaching mobility and defenses is most likely all I'd lack, if that. By 3 years, it's quite likely I'd
already be at a point I consider suitable. I'd reemerge with a bang. One of the first things I'd definitely
do, regardless of your relationship status at that time (even if you're married with children somehow),
is I'd use my abilities to break into TV stations to interrupt live broadcasting to express my love for
you and how if I can't be with you then that'd be the reason I'm going to start destroying the world.
None of the pretending to hate you stuff that I did on Ice's stream. I'd completely refuse to be with
any other person because I already know you're the only person I could ever feel a deep, meaningful
emotional connection with, and I'd have no desire nor interest to even play games with other people
to any extent. No excuse nor rationale would change my mind on wanting to be with you and only
you or I'll destroy everything at that point. I wouldn't hesitate to demonstrate how serious I am if
seriously doubted to any extent. I want you to know and understand clearly that this would happen
and I hope you're taking it into consideration very seriously moving forward because I definitely am
and you definitely should.
6. IDENTITY.

Most people wouldn't even imagine making it out of what I've been through. When I tell my life story
to people who've seen a lot, all of them end up shocked that I'm still alive and functioning at the
extremely high level that I am today. Daily abuse from both parents from an early age, divorced
when I was young, individually even more abusive. Never once feeling actually loved by either of
them at any point in my life. Not having a single happy memory from my entire childhood. Being
kicked to the streets to be homeless after both of my parents finished using me for their own goals.
Having to deal with many bad and dangerous people. Encountering Shadow Confederation
members, both online and in person, many of which literally told me I'm not human. Having seen
people killed before my eyes. Never really opening up to anyone out of fears of being laughed at,
taken advantage of, and pushed away. Dealing with anxiety, depression, body image issues, gender
dysphoria (along with being misunderstood because I'm still only into women despite that), and a lot
of anger the whole time. Feeling so alone and cold towards everyone that I didn't even know what
feeling lonely was until I met you because I assumed things could never change. And now, having to
desperately hold on to hope that the girl of my dreams, the person who I consider my soulmate,
might not actually just hate me and prefer to die rather than being with me. Most people would've
broke badly, probably quite some time ago. Ended up a homeless mentally ill drug addict criminal
that died on the street of an overdose or in jail for life. I've kept a roof over my head, I'm not reliant
on any substances and don't even like drinking alcohol, I'm not a criminal and have never been
locked up, and I've managed to work through mental struggles so extensively to the point that I can
objectively quantify the strength and capabilities of my mentality relative to others, with only more
power and potential in the future to show for my struggle. Now, I know things that seem so unreal
that many people call me delusional because they can't even fathom being at the level that I'm at
themselves. Even overcoming so many struggles leaves me considerably feared if not also
misunderstood by most, isolated from the world already by nature, and yet I refuse to simply
surrender to the darkness. It's very easy to read these words, but much harder to really understand
them.

7. SUICIDE.

Originally, I thought I might actually end up killing myself in the near future over this. I've thought
very deeply about that as well and I've realized that there's absolutely no way that's happening. I
don't blame you for acting the way you are, I blame society as a whole for being so ignorant,
arrogant, and terrified of change and the unknown. Every step of the way in my life, I tried to be the
best most loving person I could be, and I know that deep in my heart. Always trying so hard to avoid
becoming the monster that I was so afraid I'd be driven to become, and yet society tells me I'm
delusional and scary for trying my best to be a good person and instead I should give up and be the
worst I can be. When I think about what kind of headspace it would really take for someone to kill
themselves, I see it being one where they victimize themselves for having their life circumstances
and have such a lack of love for themselves that they would rather stop living than do something to
at least try to change their life. I know, in my head and in my heart, that I'm not a bad person at the
core. I really can see so clearly that I have absolutely no reason to hate myself. When I've done
everything I could to really love others, but all I see is hate I don't deserve in return, the only thing
that feels right is to finally give society what it wants and return all that hate. But my hate is so much
more powerful, even by myself, because in society's case, it deserves it. What happens when
society wants to tell me I'm selfish and crazy for trying to truly fully embrace reality in the most
healthy way possible and just wanting to really feel loved when I've never had it in my life despite
trying so hard and deserving to have it so much? I wonder if they're really human. That gives me
plenty of reason not to want to kill myself, at least not until I kill every single one of them first. If it
came to that, you? You'd be the last person I'd want to do that to. Literally.

8. PRISON.

It's reached a point where I've considered walking into a police station and demanding that I be put
into an isolation cell for a year. I'd send you a message after I got out, and if you didn't contact me
shortly after, I'd go back and repeat it for another year. I'm sure they'd ask me if I have mental
illness, am under influence of any substances, and why I want to be in isolation or what crime I'm
turning myself in for. I'd say that I'm completely mentally stable and can objectively quantify it, prove
it if they even try to question it, tell them I'm not under the influence of any substances because I
wouldn't be, and tell them that the girl of my dreams, the person I consider the love of my life and my
soulmate, won't talk to me and I find no positive purpose in existing without her in my life. Explain
that I blame this on society and hate it, so I think it's only fair that I get punished ahead of time for my
crime of destroying the world a few years down the line if it won't let me be loved by the only person
who's love I really want. If they refuse, regardless of whatever reasoning they give, I would ask them
what crime I can commit to get what I want and if they would rather I go commit it, or if they will just
give me what I want peacefully. It would really hurt a lot, not being able to even see your face, hear
your voice, or follow what's going on in your life... But I suppose the distraction-free environment is
most conductive to rapid development of my abilities and that approach does also feel like the most
appropriate approach to what I'm doing in a very real way.

9. LOVE.
I remember that early on when I was talking to you about loving you, you told me you researched
about love a fair amount. I hadn't researched about it at all until more recently, but when I did, I
quickly learned something that really stood out to me. They say that after initially finding someone
attractive, the next phase typically is infatuation, which is said to last 3 years at most, after which the
"rush" or whatever fades and you're left evaluating how valuable a relationship is to you a lot more
and in a typically much more levelheaded way, which is often when relationships fall apart. I'm
certain that you came across this information as well, and this time period is something you weigh
heavily in evaluating the viability of a serious long-term relationship. We may never have dated, but
we've certainly been quite passionate to each other for the last 2 years. That only leaves one more
year until we pass a point where it's generally considered that there's serious long-term potential in
this. I feel very confident that my feelings won't ever go away, so one more year is nothing; I'm
certain they'll only get stronger. It should be very clear at this point that I've already put an extremely
high amount of very deep thought into this and that it really makes a lot of sense that these feelings
and this position I have won't ever change. As far as I'm concerned, I've already waited long enough
to know the truth; if you don't already, you should share that position pretty soon. If you decide not to
directly contact me for a longer period of time and keep pushing me away in one form or another, I
think the most appropriate thing I can do would be to give you space for the remainder of this entire
year, showing you I have no intention to be hateful or change my mind about my position at all, and
then after the year's passed, drop you a little message telling you that my feelings and position
haven't changed. From that point on, every year until I either get to be with you or end up destroying
the world, I'll keep dropping a message to let you know my feelings and position haven't changed.
I'm already absolutely certain I'd feel compelled to do that to show you how much I love you and how
badly I want you to be with me forever. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, that's what
I'm going to do. That's a promise.

10. ALONE.

I really want you to understand that leaving you alone isn't something I'm at all eager to do. It never
was and never will be. It should be especially clear now that it's not good for either of us long-term
either. Assuming I don't go for the prison isolation room approach, I don't plan to cut my phone
number off during my time in isolation, so you can call me at any point and I'd love to talk. I really
dislike how that position comes off like I'm not as passionate about this as I really am, but I love you
so much and that seems like the most loving way to go about this situation, so there's nothing I can
really do about that. I'm not doing this to make you feel bad and certainly not to make you suicidal,
which I really don't think would be the case at all, but I feel the need to mention in order to make my
intent very clear seeing as I can see it being misunderstood that way. In the interest of honesty, I
have to mention that my position wouldn't change even if it did make you suicidal; I would just feel
very sad and hope you stop feeling that way eventually or have to mourn your loss as I go around
destroying everything. I really want it to be clear that I'm not writing this with the intent to be hurtful,
I'm just being honest and passionately chasing what gives me meaning in life. I've spent the last 2
years putting everything else aside and throwing many other things away, to love you the best I
could. This whole time, I've been waking up every single day and thinking about how I can inspire
you to grow and improve and shine as brightly as you can. I've went as far as to explain both
variants of pure bidirectional apprehension in detail to you. I've shared with you some information
about quantum energy harvesting meditation, without sharing too much so you know I'm not trying to
make this a competition, and told you I'm willing to tell you a lot more if we end up together. I've
given you all that I can right now and I have nothing left without you... And I have no regrets about
that either. If you don't talk to me any time soon, isolation and meditation isn't an action taken out of
some kind of childish resent, it's simply the only option I have that makes sense and feels right,
given all my knowledge, desires, goals, and life experiences.

11. LEADING.

I think there's something extremely important that you should understand which I've never
mentioned before... Even if you actually were playing with me this whole time, it still doesn't change
how I feel and my position. I believe that even in that case, there's definitely a very real possibility
that you can still realize after some time that there are feelings there after all, and I'm not bothered if
they weren't there in the beginning because there are plenty of understandable reasons why they
wouldn't have been. That being said, I'm well aware that from your perspective, you risked your life
just to meet me when you met me. You also decided you were comfortable with meeting me early
on. I didn't ask you to do it, not even so much as hinted at wanting it, I made you no promises about
anything, and I made it very clear to you right from the very beginning that I'm far from normal and
that I don't hesitate to be open and honest about it. I could've been a very different person and that
course of action could've ended very differently for you, but you trusted me. There was no reason
you had to do that and very few people would have. What you did will always mean a lot to me, and
I'm sure you knew long ago that it would. I suppose everyone thinks that it's fine if they don't like me
because someone else will; what they comfortably ignore is that everyone thinks that way and I'm
left not only able and willing but also wanting to destroy everything, and people just laugh and
wonder why. You're the first person to really make me feel loved, and regardless of whether that was
your intent or not, that's always how I'll remember you and treat you. I really want you to remember
that.
12. LUST.

I'm far from a player, always been that way, and I'm happy to stay that way, but I've had my fair
share of experiences with women nonetheless. Even well before I met you, several women have
shown considerable interest in me. In high school, I was literally the most popular person in the
entire school by far. Most of the people in the entire school, from every grade, knew who I was. I was
renowned as "the hacker" for hacking the WiFi and computer passwords every single year I was
there and sharing them with anyone who wanted them, including teachers. It was to the point that
people I'd never seen before would randomly approach me in the halls and ask me if it's really me,
then tell me they think I'm cool; sometimes they'd ask me for a password or if I wanted to be friends.
I had multiple friend groups and got to know several girls. Even when I was homeless, I've had
women randomly approach me and stand right in front of me and check me out, eyeing me up and
down, or come up to me and sit right beside me on the bus, trying to start up a conversation. I have
a bunch of different kinds of experiences with many different women, without even trying to seek
them out or putting any real effort into them. Some, I was friends with for years, and others I had
never seen before in my life. Most of them I even found pretty physically attractive. I've been friends
with women that I never dated and never ended up dating, but they freely invited me to feel up their
breasts and butt, some told me they'd be willing to go somewhere private and make out or even
have sex... Things I never expected to happen to me, especially since I never tried to make it
happen; I found it pretty wild, and I did take these girls up on some of these offers and have some
experiences with that stuff as a result... But until I met you, not once in my life had I ever even felt
infatuated before. Not once had I seriously pursued a romantic relationship with someone. I'm not
typically the type to play any kind of games at all. I'd experienced lust for some women, in some
cases it would last for years, but never had I thought about someone everyday. Never had I
wondered what they were thinking, what they were doing, if they were okay... I always knew it would
take someone really special to ever make me care at all. That's why I've never been in a
relationship. I've never had any real desire nor passion to even try chasing a woman unless I see
such serious potential in her, before either of us even fall in love, that I feel like it would make sense
to want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. Most people are not like this at all, which
really explains why a lot of relationships fall apart within 3 years. Needless to say, whatever you'd
call what we have going on is definitely drastically unlike most relationships; I'd say that's looking like
a pretty good thing, statistically speaking at the least.

13. SUCCESS.
Fame, money, professional success, anything else people usually define as success, to any
degree... It's all empty and worthless to me without you. I can only give someone everything like this
once. It's not that I think nobody else could ever love me, it's that I know I could never love anybody
like I love you and nobody could ever love me like you can. I miss you so much. It hurts me so much
that you might seriously think I'd ever want to hurt you. I want you to really understand that all these
essays I've written to you haven't come from a place in my heart with hatred. They all came from a
place of love. I know it's hard for you to believe, with the extent that they are tender, and even
sometimes sexual when it felt really appropriate, despite us having had very few tender moments in
person and no sexual ones. It's true, despite how bad the meaner messages may look. It'd
understandably be hard for almost anyone to believe I suppose... But it's the complete and absolute
truth. You know this isn't about money, I never thought I could win anyone's heart that way. I haven't
even donated $100 to you in total in the whole time I've known you... I know there are people who've
given you thousands. You know this isn't about fame, I very clearly threw away a position on the Cx
Network without hesitation to try to prove my love for you; I could've approached that encounter so
differently and it easily would've drastically improved my professional life and career prospects
without any help from you. I was even contacted recently and offered a position in it if I was willing to
forget about trying to be with you, and I instantly turned it down. You know this isn't about
professional progress, you're well aware I'm proficient at programming and have at least 2 projects
with real potential I could work on and take to much higher levels of success all by myself if I wanted,
which I casually dismiss as not worth my effort anymore without you in my life. You know I'm not
trying to play you, I know you've seen other women in your own Discord show interest in me and try
to get my attention, yet I didn't even say so much as a single word to any of them because I was so
invested in you from the start; I've also not even once tried to make you jealous by claiming there are
any other women that I'd chase if you don't show me more interest... That kind of dishonesty doesn't
feel right to me. I knew long ago how valuable and irreplaceable you are to me.

14. GODDESS.

As of the last time I ever had a direct private conversation with you, which was more than a year
ago, you told me that we were only friends and that you wanted our friendship to remain shallow.
That was the first time that I decided to try leaving you alone, and I told you very clearly that it was
because I had very strong romantic feelings for you and couldn't handle just being friends. I also told
you clearly that I didn't want to leave, but I didn't want to impose my presence, I didn't want to
encourage you to send me mixed messages, and I wanted you to at least know I was serious about
all the times I told you my feelings up to that point already. We've been through so much these past
2 years and you've given me a lot of reason to believe you do truly have feelings for me. The first
time I said I'd leave you alone, within less than 2 months you were saying you felt like you pushed
away people you like and you needed to watch motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning.
When I came back very shortly after, your mood drastically improved suddenly. More than once past
that point, you've called me the love of your life in response to our arguments and me feeling like I
should leave because of the extent of mixed messages you were giving me. In response to one of
our arguments, you said you felt like you should give up on a serious relationship for the rest of your
life. At one point, you said you peed in your panties a little in excitement, on a stream right after one
of the messages I sent you where I told you that I still think you're extremely attractive, still really
want to be with you, and that I see you as the perfect woman of my dreams, a real goddess. I've told
you before that I truly think you're the most attractive person in the world, and I still think so now. I've
told you before that I don't call any other women goddesses and that was, is, and forever will be the
truth; nobody else deserves such a compliment from me. Right after one of my messages which I
sent not very long before I went on Ice's stream, you started a stream off playing music about being
with me being like a dream to you and how you would literally kill, especially anyone else I might try
to be with, in order to be with me.

15. EVIDENCE.

You've expressed attention and affection towards me many times in public on stream at this point
and you know it. I've downloaded multiple VODs of you which I don't share publicly because I want it
to be clear I'm not trying to be malicious... But I know you know I have them because I've even
shown a couple to one of your moderators who I still communicate with and now consider one of my
best friends. They were also all well after the point that I had already poured my heart out to you
personally in Discord DMs multiple times, which was very early on back when you had them open;
you had directly responded every single time except at the very end, with genuine interest and
attention. I saved screenshots of all of it, long ago. I still remember so clearly how after the first
essay I ever sent you, where I talked about the first time we met and my true feelings and intentions,
your next stream, you spent an entire 4 hours talking about your feelings. After I came back, I spent
the past year sending countless messages and essays to you to constantly try to show you how
serious I am despite all the mixed messages you've been giving, and I know you've read every
single one... You always give me attention and respond on stream somehow. I made it clear to you
every step of the way that continuing the way you were meant you'd have to be with me sooner or
later or the world will literally end; this never stopped you from continuing to be passionate towards
me and showing serious affection and interest. I know that you know what you were doing this whole
time. I have no trouble believing that you were really hoping for this outcome the whole time; in fact,
I'll never believe otherwise no matter what you do anymore, and I'm sure you can easily understand
why.

16. SHELL.

We've both been kind and cruel to each other at times, but these kinds of games aren't the way I
envision our relationship to be in the future if we end up together. I only want us to be kind,
considerate, and warm to each other. With how patient and understanding I continue to be even
now, I'm confident you'll eventually realize that you shouldn't be afraid that I won't try my absolute
best to completely understand where you're coming from all the time. I've already told you many
times that I've been dealing with this situation and the hardships of it not because I enjoy being hurt
(because I don't) nor for any kind of thrill, but because I want you to know how much you really mean
to me and I can see massive potential in a very positive and loving relationship coming out of it all.
I've believed for a long time, and for what I consider very good reason, that you share this position. I
know I've inspired you a lot this whole time and helped you break out of your shell. You've done the
same for me and I have no hesitation to admit it feels really good. You may say you're crazy now,
but I'm pretty sure most people would say I'm even more crazy, so that doesn't bother me at all. I'm
not afraid of you genuinely wanting to hurt me at all and I don't think I'd ever have any good reason
to be. I believe you feel this way as well. I'm well aware this situation would seem very scary to a lot
of people and they'd think there actually is no good outcome that could come from it; I want it to be
very clear that I'm not putting so much effort into this just to be destructive regardless.

17. SEXUALITY.

You've said before that your first boyfriend turned out gay, and I've mentioned to you before already
that I'm sure that affected your view on relationships in some way. I told you very early on, long
before you'd ever mentioned him, that I'd rather die alone than ever start finding men attractive; after
I'd heard about your first boyfriend and mentioned it to you, I once again told you I very definitively
know that how I feel about that will never change. I've told you before that no matter what happens
between us, I won't change my position on that. I still very definitively maintain that even now my
position has not changed on that. I've already described to you in the past in detail why you're my
ideal partner and I want you to know very clearly that I completely meant it and it'll never change. I
also want you to know that I'm really never giving up on you and moving on and I meant it every time
I said that too. Early on, you mentioned to me that you've never taken back any of your exes. After I
caused drama on Ice's stream, suddenly you started calling me your ex. Seeing as we've never
done anything sexual, the last time we even talked directly was more than a year ago, and back then
you told me we were only ever friends and I accepted that was the case, I have no clue at what point
you consider that we were ever dating. Still, I can understand why you'd act this way. Since you've
never taken an ex back, if you consider me an ex and still end up dating me later, that's something
that even by itself is very meaningful and significant to you. I know you want me to know that and I
want you to know very clearly that I do.

18. DECEPTION.

Recently, you've also mentioned another experience that affected you from the past: when you got
catfished by someone online for a year. I remember you mentioning it briefly before, but this time
you explained it in more detail and even made a YouTube video about it. You talked about how you
really liked the person and how you'd talk to them pretty much everyday for quite some time,
reaching the point you wanted to study abroad to meet them and even managed to convince your
parents to go for it. You talked about how you kept delaying it because of that person's hesitation
and you came to learn from someone else that they had been telling you elaborate lies and
impersonating someone else, even going to the extent of sending you pictures to attempt to validate
their claimed identity. You talked about how it ended and you expressed your frustration that you still
haven't gotten closure to this day. While I can't know that person's reason for what they did, I know
that I've never done and would never do something like what they did. I've told you long ago about
my inclination towards femininity in many ways. I can understand that having an experience like the
one you did with that person you're probably left assuming has feelings similar to mine would make
you feel quite hesitant to get closer to me, worried that I might somehow end up hurting you in an
even worse way. One of the reasons I knew I had to take the opportunity you were giving me to
meet you early on was that I wanted you to clearly know I had no intention of ever trying to deceive
you of my identity to attempt to gain trust that I wouldn't deserve; I knew I wanted to be honest with
you that I could've done that if I wanted to and that was the only way to do it without it coming off the
wrong way. Even before I met you, I was very capable of naturally sounding completely female, and
I know that because in many cases when I would talk to random people online with that voice, they
would instantly believe I'm female without questioning it. I typically don't just randomly blurt out that I
was born a man in those cases, but these were conversations with people I only ever talked to once
or twice and then never again, for the most part. To any of the people that I actually formed
friendships with that lasted any significant period, within a couple months I would find some
appropriate time to tell them the truth. Even being able to sound like a woman, when I went on Ice's
Discord for example, even to people I'd only talked to once or twice, I would openly admit that I was
born a man; some people literally couldn't believe it. Additionally, I've never impersonated anyone, in
any way, for any reason. I want you to clearly understand that whatever that person did to you in the
past, I'm a very different kind of person from them, and you shouldn't have any fear towards me as a
result of your experience with them.

19. CONFIDENCE.

When I say I love myself, people may look at some of these things I've said and think that I'm trying
to say I love myself too much to really be with you. The reality is that I love myself too much not to
be with you. I want it to be very clear that I'm not doing this just to try to save any reputation or image
I have, to myself, to other people, or even to you; that all means absolutely nothing to me without
you in my life. I'm doing this because I'm absolutely certain that without each other, we're going to
end up destroying ourselves and society as a whole as well, and I'm trying to do everything in my
power to avoid that stuff from happening. Many people might look at this situation and think that I'm
being self-destructive by pursuing this course of action, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I
know very definitively that I'd actually be self-destructive not to pursue you. I don't care in the
slightest if this whole thing makes me seem like a big bully or some kind of tyrant; if that's how
people see me, it is what it is. I've already told you before that I'm not the type to ever settle for
mediocrity, and for very good reason. Being me, a situation like this would be inevitable with anyone
I'd ever pursue where we have amazing chemistry, and I came to terms with that long ago. I could
give an ultimatum regarding being with any person, but 2 years ago I made a decision... The
decision that I found the only person that really gave me a reason to live. The more I've gotten to
know you and grow closer to you, the more certain and confident I've become that I made the best
decision I ever could've made. With you, at least my life will feel truly worth living, a feeling I've still
yet to experience. I can easily deal with any number of other people seeing me however they feel
like it; at least I'll finally have what I've wanted and worked towards ultimately my entire life. If we end
up together, I'll treat you so well all the time that all those people who want to think badly of me now
will be absolutely shocked, and it'll come naturally to me. I'm absolutely certain of this. I see a high
probability that they might even treat me quite coldly in more direct ways, and they'll once again be
shocked to see the amount of warmth that I continue to radiate constantly to you and even them,
despite their hard feelings; this is yet another thing I'm already used to from many things I've had to
deal with in the past. You shouldn't worry about what other people will think about you either; I'll fight
them all for you as much as I need to and you should too if you need to. My whole life, I've been
denied of a lot of things, and quite frankly I didn't really care about getting them enough to even
really want to try to get them; being with you isn't something I'm ever going to be willing to accept
being denied of. Any possible issues holding you back, I can and will work through them and they'd
never deter me from maintaining this position, and that's how you should feel about it too. You
must've known right from the beginning that if this was ever going to go anywhere, you'd have to
fight and it wouldn't be easy; I won't accept you giving up, especially now that we've gotten so far. I
need you and everyone around you to understand very clearly that if we don't end up together, I'm
going to hold you just as responsible for that as I hold the rest of society. Anyone that seriously
cares about you, themselves, and especially if they care about both, shouldn't ultimately be very
resistant to this happening. When I tell you I'm never moving on, I'm not saying it to encourage you
to try to find reasons to tell me to do it or try to help me do it in any way; I'm telling you so you
understand to stop trying to find excuses to push me away. I'm never really going away. Never.
Understand that clearly. Please. I'm not even going to pretend to any extent anymore, this is just a
fact that you and everyone around you needs to deal with.

20. MOVING ON.

If I can never be with you and I meditate in isolation for a year and start really having something to
show for it, as I know I would, do you really think I'm gonna stop? Of course not! If you're trying to
get me to move on, what do you think that looks like? Do you really think with how much I care about
you that it'd happen quickly? No way! It'd take years to try to deal with the shock and devastation,
having to numb myself to the eternal suffering and pain that came from trying to be the most loving
person I could be but getting slapped in the face and kicked when I'm already down by life for it in
the most brutal way possible, and what do you think the amount of pain I'd feel would drive me to do
during that time? Meditate in isolation! People say I'm the crazy one, but what's really crazy is that
people can read all of this, acknowledge that I'm literally out of this world level crazy and on another
level of perception that they can't fully understand, and yet still somehow don't believe and properly
want to act upon the implications that I'm suffering so much without being with you that I'd actually
do what I'm saying here, things would happen exactly as I'm saying they would without a serious
relationship with you for the rest of my life, and that us being together forever would be so good for
both of us that there's absolutely no good reason whatsoever for it not to happen. Even if I did
manage to numb myself to the suffering of never having the one thing I've only ever really wanted
and endured such a treacherous life hoping to get, which would have to happen after years of
meditating in isolation, that shouldn't be something you or anyone else wants! I'd turn all the energy I
have now to try to make something positive out of all my suffering and trying to constantly see the
best in people and be as loving as possible into sheer hatred for humanity as a whole and desire to
only be destructive. At that point, I'd be so sad and angry on an existential level, so numb to trying to
do anything positive about it, and able to do something about all that negative emotion, that at the
very least, I'd make you suffer greatly for the rest of your life and make an example out of you to the
rest of the world. I'd end up making your life miserable, slowly stripping you of anything and
everything that you hold valuable while watching you suffer and laughing at you to your face, and
eventually wiping you, any potential partners, your friends, and your family, all from this earth,
without mercy or remorse; I'm telling you this now so if that ends up having to happen, you know that
even if you all literally get on your knees and beg for mercy, it won't stop me, I'd laugh even harder.
If I actually did move on, in the only way that'd be possible, do you really think I'd be scared to do
this? No way, it'd clearly be my best and only real option, and nobody could ever hope to stop me! If
I wanted to flaunt my powers once they're ready, do you really think I'd ever want to do it in just a
nice, casual way? No way! That'd just make everyone think I'm a pushover, an idiot, and way too
nice, and I'd end up having a bunch of manipulative assholes trying to take advantage of me. That's
already what's happening on a much smaller scale with multiple people who I push away even now,
and it'd only be much worse later if I was demonstrating my powers much more clearly. If I just went
around flinging bank safe doors open with my mind and stealing stuff, people still wouldn't be that
scared and respectful of me because they'd figure I still have things I value and don't want to lose; it
also wouldn't bring me any real satisfaction in the deeply troubled state that I'd end up in without
ending up in a serious relationship with you and spending the rest of my life with you. But if I made
an example out of you and told the world that I'm as powerful as I am and have absolutely nothing to
lose and nothing I really care about, that'd really terrify everyone and then I'd really get some serious
respect and be able to comfortably carry out the constant destruction I'd find as the only remotely
satisfying thing to pass time doing under those circumstances. Even if you somehow had the whole
world begging me to forgive you for what you did, that'd actually further encourage me to do it to
really prove a point, and even if they all were in favor of you being punished the way I saw fit, that
wouldn't take away from my desire to do it at all because of how hurt and troubled I'd end up as a
result of the situation. If you were doing all this intending to hurt me, you must've known that you'd
end up hurt very badly in the end, and I have every intention of giving you what you asked for; even
if you didn't know or want to try to present it that way, that's really not my problem in the slightest,
because you really should've known, and it still wouldn't ever change the reality of how I'd feel and
what I'm capable of doing about your decisions as a result. I'd never even slightly consider giving
any mercy to anyone or anything, especially you and anything you value. What would it get me?
Pats on the back from people for being kind? My whole life, I never really cared in the slightest about
getting patted on the back for my good deeds or achievements; do you really think I'll ever make it
my life's purpose? No way! Me moving on from you equates to me moving on from ever having any
desire or drive to ever see humanity as a whole and even life in general in a positive light, moving on
from ever having any desire or drive to act in a constructive way and pursue real happiness. If I was
in a weaker position and had to move on with you meaning as much to me as you do now, I can
guarantee you I definitely would've killed myself already by now; since I'm in a stronger position, I'll
end up destroying the world in the future if I have to move on. My heart wouldn't soften over time; my
feelings that are so soft now would actually become very hard, and things would escalate from me
contemplating on the possibility of this to envisioning the details of the execution and working
towards it with extreme perseverance every single day as my life's mission and purpose. This has
nothing to do with self-esteem, and I can objectively quantify that because an individual with refined
pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value can validate that they entirely lack any active ego,
and as a result, wouldn't ever suffer from self-esteem issues to nearly such an extent; this is me
objectively seeing reality clearly and facing the facts of which possibilities result in which outcome in
the future, with a very high capacity of critical thinking and forethought deeply being involved in the
process. When someone has had to remain so grounded throughout their whole life, regularly being
abused and called delusional despite being very finely in tune with reality in a way that they
constantly validate objectively but don't get proper approval from others for despite the results
speaking for themselves, that they literally wrote out an entire paper detailing the 5 steps to clearly
identify objective reality from the context of a living entity born with emotion which makes them
predisposed to subjective bias otherwise, and have insanely powerful and enlightened people asking
them how they know the things they do and telling them that they're not human, you're the delusional
one if you don't accept the facts. You need to understand and accept completely clearly that when
someone of my caliber tells you that I'll never move on, it's absolutely nothing like an average person
saying that to you; it's extremely dangerous for you to fight it past a certain point. I never want to
move on, and if you're trying to be in any kind of healthy headspace, you shouldn't ever want me to
move on either! I'm happy to give up deeply terrorizing the world, getting far more respect than I
really need but would feel like having otherwise, and being extremely destructive, in return for a
deep and loving relationship with you forever, which was what I've really wanted all along anyways.
You should want the same thing that I want here, at the very least for your own sake, if not also for
the sake of all your friends, family, and literally the rest of the world. You wanting me to move on
from you equates to you being extremely suicidal in the most destructive way possible. If you decide
to be with me and in the future you want to make your own international ultimatum that states that
you love me and only me, you want to be with me forever, you're always going to be loyal to me and
would never leave me, I'd better always love you back and never leave you either, and you're going
to destroy the world with what I would've taught you at that point if I do leave you, I completely
approve already; I'd even encourage it. Instead of playing games and wasting time trying to tell me
to move on, you should be carefully thinking, planning, and preparing on how you're going to
approach starting a serious relationship with me that you intend to last a lifetime. You don't have
time to waste.

21. FORCING.
While I'm not saying and doing all of this to make you feel bad, it'll probably make you feel bad right
now for a little while, but that doesn't matter at all in the bigger picture. Put all those bad feelings
aside and deal with the facts. I know it might be easier said than done, but it's what you must do. If
you don't want us both to end up feeling a lot worse later, being together is absolutely the only option
you have. Nothing anyone says or does will change this fact of life. We've both worked very hard to
end up in this position, and even if you want to consider that I'm forcing you now, then yes, I'm
forcing you. It's not like you haven't made it extremely clear that you want to be forced. I want you to
understand very clearly that I can see the need for this message to be made public and I don't see
that as something that should be an obstacle to any extent in the way of us being together. I want it
to be very clear that I don't just see completing this message as some kind of achievement; I want
this to be completed so we can have a really strong foundation and finally be together. You know
why we're not dating? Because we shouldn't be dating. We should be getting married already. The
fact is that if we don't end up being together forever, I'll end this world, and you'd best believe I'm
dead serious. Now that it's reached this point, what good is dating? It's already marriage or literally
the end of the world. You should already start talking about it this way to your friends and family
because that's exactly what it is. The fact is we're either getting married soon, or we're getting
married in about 3 years, unless you want the world to end. Those are your options... And I really
don't want to wait any number of years, so if you want me to be completely real here, you really
shouldn't make me wait and you don't really have options. You really need to understand this. I'm
absolutely not okay at all without you in my life and that's never going to change. This is all fact. I
may see and accept a significant inclination I have towards femininity, but I can also see and accept
masculine aspects of my personality too, and I have no hesitation to be really assertive when I need
to be.

22. MISSING OUT.

It's been a while now that I've been harsher with you, and I can really understand that you'd need at
least a little space to sort through your feelings, communicate with those around you, analyze the
situation over time, and start to see and understand the extent to which I'm being honest and my
feelings are genuine and should be extremely valuable to you. I'm not upset about it so don't worry
about that. I literally put my life in your hands because that's how much I love you... The least I'll do
is make sure the truth about how much I really love you and how far I'm willing to go for you is
known, and like I said, I'm ready to die for it, whether in the shorter or longer term. I really want you
to do what feels right in your heart and I will too. I'm still currently in really high hopes and I know I
have no option but to keep hoping unless it eventually becomes crystal clear that the end times were
meant to come from my hand. Hopefully you can realize what you're missing out on, because the
way I see things, I already do very clearly and what I see is a life with you where neither of us
could've asked for anything better... That's why I'm trying so hard. I'm not doing all this feeling
pathetic and as if I'd never be good enough; in fact, I feel like I'm far from that. I feel very confident
that we deserve each other and I'm certain we can really improve each other's lives a lot more in the
future. I genuinely believe that this connection, this extremely strong feeling that we're soulmates, is
a really good thing. Together, we can literally conquer the world if we want. Apart, we'll literally
destroy it. I'd really prefer to conquer the world with you, but if it ends up that you'd prefer I destroy it,
I'll make sure to do the best job I can. You need to recognize very clearly that ultimately, you are the
only person that should make the decision of who you'll spend your life with, and it's also ultimately
entirely your responsibility to pursue that, regardless of what anyone else thinks, says, or does. That,
combined with the fact that the world will literally end soon if you don't decide that person is me,
should really make it clear that you shouldn't be sitting there trying to think about it for very long. You
hold the world in the palm of your hand now too, what will you do?

23. DEPTH.

It looks like you might be going for the approach of pushing me away and possibly dating someone
else. I'm still not certain if you're really serious about it or not. I always knew that you could find a
relationship with someone else if you wanted one, and it was always something that I let push me to
try to love you better than anyone else. I sent you each version of this entire message ahead of time,
told you I'd post it publicly, gave you some time to provide feedback, prepare you for what was
coming, and do my best to show you this comes from a warm place in my heart. Take some time to
sort through your thoughts and feelings. I don't expect you to change your position immediately and
seriously contact me to come back in the very near future, but I want you to know I'd have loved to
do that and I will if you actually do. This message should already show you how serious I am. If you
decide to push me away and leave me alone for a longer period of time, I suppose it's best to give
you a year to really think about what I'm saying, see really solid proof that I'm being honest that my
feelings won't fade when I let you know that my position on all this hasn't changed, and hopefully
then you'll be able to really warm up to me. In that case, in a year I'll start drama again, being nice to
you of course, and make a serious attempt to talk to you again. Like I said before, that's a promise. I
know I'm going to feel really lonely and sad whenever I'm not meditating, because that's the only
time my focus on something I'm doing would be so intense that thinking of you wouldn't be going
through my head, but I suppose there's nothing I can do about that at that point and I'll bear it
because I know how much you mean to me. I'm going to leave this message posted on the internet
in at least one place I know it won't get removed, and drop the link both in your Discord as well as
Ice's. I want you to know clearly that I'm not trying to keep what I'm saying here a secret from his
community at all either, especially after I made us both look so bad when I felt the need to pretend to
hate you in order to maximize the amount of attention and growth you could get from it. In this
message, I'm telling you how much you really mean to me, that I still don't consider this the end of a
chance for us to make this work, and that I'm giving you time to think about what you really want to
do next, both in the near and further future. People have tried to tell me that some people have it so
much worse off than me and I shouldn't be so willing to throw everything away and isolate myself to
prepare to end the world just because of one person, but that kind of thinking I find to be very weak.
There are people out there that have it worse off than me, but there are also so many that have it so
much better. I can appreciate being grateful for what I have, but I'd never allow that to inhibit my
drive to achieve goals that I've set for myself in the pursuit of happiness.

24. HONESTY.

If you call me back in the future, regardless of if you are or have been in a relationship or not, don't
play games. If you're in a relationship while I'm in isolation meditating and it ends (hopefully before I
end it and possibly the world), when it ends, don't play games. Don't bother playing music on stream
to call me back in an attempt to provoke drama; it's not going to work. I'm not doing this to be
amusing, to act as some kind of wingman to strengthen your relationship with someone else, for
content, out of hatred, or due to a weak character. Don't break up with someone, try to dishonestly
call me back for a while with music or something, get back with them or get with someone else once
I inevitably don't attack you for it, and think I'm not paying attention, or that I'll start attacking you at
that point, or that my position on anything has changed, because those things won't happen. That
being said, you've recently expressed not so much a desire but a need to enter a relationship; I'm
not sure if you're talking about one with me or not. If it's with someone else, you saying you feel like
a relationship with someone else is necessitated because of what I'm saying here means only one
thing to me: you feel the need to try being with someone else in order to be able to validate the
integrity and honesty of what I'm saying here about not attacking you and leaving you alone if you
do. This would allow you to set a solid foundation for a relationship with me in the future. In that
case, such a relationship would not last any number of years, and once you feel convinced of my
honesty and see a very solid foundation having been set between us, that relationship would end,
and you would then want to enter into a very serious one with me. If I'm right and that's really the
case, I want you to know that I don't hold that against you nor the person you'd be with during that
time, and I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that you're being dishonest and playing with me if you
eventually start to call out for me to come back into your life; that's a promise. If you're talking about
being in a relationship with me, I'm ready and willing; that's a promise too. I want you to clearly
understand that I really mean it when I say I'm not trying to break your heart, and I can understand
that you'd feel like it's necessary to test me on that in one way or another before deciding to pursue
a serious relationship with me. That also being said, if you're not testing me in any way here and the
truth is actually that you've been playing with me and you never warm up to me and will never be
with me... You've really messed your life up, doomed any partner you might ever take seriously to a
terrible fate, doomed the world to a terrible fate, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I know
that sounds cold, but I'm not writing this to you just to be nice, I want you to see reality clearly and
face the facts; I want it to be very clear to you that I have no place in my heart for warmth if you
didn't do this all from a place in your heart with warmth.

25. CHILDREN.

I also want it to be clear that while I don't care if some people will see me badly for forcing you to be
with me in the end and it won't stop me, I also don't want to be demonized and genuinely called back
but under really unfavorable circumstances. If you're going to test me, make sure you don't really
hurt both of us in the process by making decisions you'll regret later. Just do the bare minimum you
see necessary. For example, if you're going to have sex with that person, which is understandable,
make sure you're careful and always use protection. Personally, to be completely honest, from a
very young age, I've never felt like having children was something I found appealing, even with the
person of my dreams. As I've grown older, it's only further become clear to me that it doesn't fit at all
into my goals and aspirations for many reasons; one of the biggest reasons is because it greatly
interferes with the amount of personal and intimate time I'd get with my partner. I certainly don't want
children any time soon, and definitely don't want to be taking care of someone else's child. Even
these kinds of things wouldn't stop me from wanting to be with you, but they definitely would make
me really upset, so you should consider that very seriously. I realize that part of what we're dealing
with now is not me, you, or society, it's the reality that this situation is prone to misunderstandings
regardless, and I want you to know very clearly that I don't hold that against anyone; it's just the way
things are. In writing all of this to you, I hope I can achieve us both reaching a mutual understanding
of expectations. I can accept being tested, but keep reasonable boundaries in mind.

26. LOYALTY.

I want you to know very clearly that even if you date someone else, and even if you're not just testing
me, I'm still going to stay loyal to you. Forever. I'm never going to tell you I've moved on, even to try
to test your love; that's a promise. I really do know you a lot better than you may think. You act so
cold on stream and pretend like you're leading me on... But when the camera's off and you're alone,
you're praying I understand that you actually desperately need my love and affection. You cry at the
thought of actually losing me. You wonder if you'll end up killing yourself out of regret. Even if you
weren't crying out of feeling like you really love me and need me (although I'm quite certain that'd be
a large factor if anything), you'd still be crying because you'd feel like a monster for how cruel you've
been acting towards me despite the massive constant warmth that I've been showing you from the
very beginning, combined with the fear that this course of action you're taking will end up causing the
end of the world. It was never my intent to dismiss the significance of this, and I'm really hoping that
you can feel how sensitive I am to how you must be feeling by how sensitive and affectionate I'm
being to you despite the cold front you're continuing to keep up towards me right now. You recently
went to Las Vegas, and in your first stream back, you mentioned that you got married and divorced
while you were there. It may or may not be true, I don't know. You've probably been worried if I'd be
upset. Actually, I see it as a test and you trying to strengthen the foundation of our connection, and
I'm not upset at all. Whether it happened or not, I've already acknowledged that we're not currently
dating, and clearly you don't have strong feelings for someone you met like that and kicked out of
your life just as quickly as you let them in. If it happened, it doesn't bother me, and not knowing
whether it happened or not doesn't bother me either. I already know I'd never even try to pursue
another woman. I already know from experience that forgetting about ever having a serious
relationship and just having sex with prostitutes isn't an appealing prospect for me at all either. I've
told you before that I'm not a virgin and I've had experience having sex with prostitutes in the past; it
feels so cold and empty emotionally that for someone like me who values emotions so much in
general and knows that'll never change, it very quickly became very clear to me that it's not the life
for me. People have also tried to convince me that there are plenty of women out there just as good
looking as you or better, but I've seen many really attractive women in my life, and even the
prostitutes I had sex with were definitely Korean like you (I even specifically asked them when I met
them) and also considerably attractive, but I completely disagree that anyone could ever measure up
to you even from a purely physical perspective, at least in my eyes. My certainty that I'll always be
loyal to you is not something that comes lightly and I'm sure you can appreciate that.

27. INTELLECT.

You've recently expressed, more than once, that you're insecure about your intelligence and don't
think you're very smart at all, going to the point of saying you feel like your brain stopped working at
about 10. While I disagree and think you're pretty smart overall, and I can also acknowledge that you
must've been being sarcastic to some extent as well, this is something else I feel the need to
address. While higher intelligence is generally always considered a plus, the intelligence of someone
I'd consider a future partner doesn't ultimately matter at all to me. Whatever intelligence you have
and however strong your mentality may or may not be from an intellectual standpoint, I fully
appreciate all of it's beauty as it is, and I recognize that if it was any more or less, you very well
probably wouldn't have had the desire to take this so far and potentially really want to be with me, so
I'm very grateful for it being exactly how it is. I want you to know and understand very clearly that it
was never my goal nor intent to make you look or feel dumb, to any extent, for any reason, and that
certainly isn't my goal or intent in writing this. I've never been the type to enjoy hurting people in any
way for any reason, and especially not people I find extremely precious and hold very close to my
heart like you.

28. YOUTHFUL.

I want you to know and understand very clearly that all of the things you've expressed insecurity
about aren't things that put me off from you to any extent. The childishness in your personality and
the quirkiness that results from it is something that I find extremely adorable and really enjoy seeing
you express; it's really relaxing and refreshing for me in contrast with my very serious and mature
nature that can get very tiresome sometimes, even to myself. I know this whole thing may come off
like I'm trying to lecture you and teach you a lesson that you should change, but that's really not my
intent in the slightest; I absolutely love you so much exactly the way you are and I'm not trying to tell
you to change who you are at all. When we first met, I told you at the end that I find your personality
very attractive just as it is, and I really meant it and still feel that way now. I never would've pursued
you nearly this hard if I didn't truly love your personality just as it is and I believe that you share that
position towards me. I also have a lot of trouble believing you did all this wanting to make me look or
feel stupid, so don't be worried that I see it that way either.

29. POTENTIAL.

I want you to know and understand very clearly that I won't allow myself to ruin the potential we have
to be in a great relationship and I'm truly willing to try my hardest every step of the way to
demonstrate that. I think it's very possible that in far less than a year, you might already start to
realize you have very real feelings for me that you want to pursue. I can understand that after a
message like this, in that case, you might still be quite hesitant to reach out to me. I can see you
possibly expressing this on stream and calling out for me to come back, as you have many times in
the past. I don't want you to wait, suffer, and have to deal with so much worry, sadness, and possibly
anger waiting for a year to pass if that becomes the case. I'd also experience those things and we'd
both just be really hurt from that. If I start seeing you really expressing strong desire for me to return
to you again, however many times your hesitation might make you feel inclined to, I'll try to
communicate to you privately every time that my feelings haven't changed and I'm still very willing to
talk to you and still really want to be with you forever; I'll also tell you that I still strongly encourage
you to contact me directly. If you start making it very clear to me that you want me to start drama
over this yet again to show you that I'm completely serious, I'll do it, but only up to 2 more times this
year. If you start really calling out for me in the near future after I've sent this publicly, and perhaps
you're afraid I wouldn't be willing to pursue moving forwards as I've said here, after making this
public; you may or may not decide you're already willing to pursue a serious relationship with me at
that point, and either way, I'm ready and willing to prove how serious I am about everything I'm
saying here. Additionally, if you pursue testing me, after you're convinced I've passed and you're
satisfied with our foundation, you might start calling out for me to start drama once more at that
point, wanting me to make it very clear that I still really care and truly do feel ready and willing for a
serious relationship with you. Beyond that, I don't think it would be appropriate to keep starting
drama constantly. If you aren't going to be convinced any time soon no matter what, you're pushing
me away, and I'll need to prove to you that I'm serious about giving you space for a longer period of
time if that's the case. I know if you're completely serious about pursuing a relationship with me and
feel convinced you want it, you'd attempt to directly contact me and make it completely clear since
you have my number and know where to reach me on Discord and Twitter... So it should never get
to the point where starting drama over and over again frequently would be a productive course of
action. I want you to understand very clearly that my decision to try giving you space for a longer
period of time if you won't deal with reality properly and directly contact me any time soon to pursue
a serious relationship truly is because I want to be considerate and loving, not out of any desire to
cut you out of my life. I want you to clearly understand that my decision to not keep starting drama
over and over frequently is not out of any lack of passion or desire to be with you, but rather out of
clear recognition that the approach I took in the past is no longer going to be effective at showing
you that you really mean everything to me. I see no need and have absolutely no desire to pretend
to hate you anymore to any extent. I hope you think about me, at least sometimes... Because I think
about you every single day and I care about you so much that I regularly get panic attacks
wondering if you're okay and going to make the right decisions so this doesn't have to result in the
world ending... I just don't see anything positive coming out of constantly starting drama and you
shouldn't either; I don't like upsetting your mods and community, nor do I like making us both look
bad, and you shouldn't like those things either.

30. THERAPY.

When we met, at the end of that meetup, you told me you'd never forget me, and I responded by
telling you that I'd never forget you either. I've already told you long ago that I'm not normally the
sentimental type and I've never said that to anyone else before in my life. I happened to notice you
nearby afterwards and it became very clear to me that you had came to that meetup intending to
show me that you were the heartbreaker type, you wanted me to know from the beginning that I'd
have to try extremely hard and be extremely loving to earn your affection, and that you had not been
expecting me to be nearly as cold to you as I had been. I wasn't expecting that, but I saw it and still
decided to start really warming up to you, tweeting to you that I love you within a few hours after the
meetup had ended. You laughed at first, but I know that means a lot to you now. When I started
messaging you in Discord DMs after, I was amazed that you opened up to me about something very
personal and intimate very early on. I told you in my first message that I knew a lot about philosophy
and psychology and that I was really good at being a therapist; you decided very quickly to trust me
and tell me things I instantly saw as a cry for help in your otherwise silent desperation. I know you
were in a bad place mentally when I met you and I excited you and made you feel really loved,
understood, and wanted at a time you really needed it. I know you care about me a lot, and although
many people would see your actions right now as showing otherwise, I see them as simply the only
way you know how to show me that I really mean a lot to you. I know that in the beginning, you didn't
expect me to be so sensitive and understanding, to the point that interacting with me has been
therapeutic to you for a long time now. You started talking to me thinking, "How much worse can it
get?" and now you wonder, "How much better could it be?". I shake your world the same way you
shake mine; I can see the kind of effect I've had on you. You told me initially that you meant it in a
bad way when you first told me you'd never forget me, but I'm quite confident now that you really will
never forget me, and not for bad reasons. Although part of me feels like I'm trying very desperately,
another part of me also very clearly sees the extent of depth our relationship has; the way you're
acting on the surface only goes to really show that to someone who understands it a lot better than
an average outsider.

31. HEALING.

I want you to know very clearly that interacting with you has been really therapeutic for me too.
Because of all the pain and trauma I've had to endure in my life, I've had to try really hard to
constantly detach myself from my feelings just to feel okay at all, and it always hurt a lot, both to go
through and also in the impact that it had in other areas of my life; in many cases I had numbed
myself to the point that I couldn't even necessarily see how it was hurting me in other ways. You
made me feel okay with feeling again, and although I can see I'm still struggling with it, I want you to
know how much I appreciate your presence in my life even as it is now, despite the fact that we're
physically so far apart and we haven't talked directly even online in so long. When I open up to you
and try to clarify misunderstandings, it makes me so happy to know that there's someone that makes
me feel so warm that I can start to heal from so many past traumas, while also being able to see that
I'm healing them from past traumas as well. As rough as a time this is for me right now, there's also
something about it that feels so magical, and I feel like you must also be sharing that feeling.

32. THRILL.

For me, any potential thrill resulting from our connection ended a year ago when I tried to leave you
alone the first time. I felt really depressed and lonely the whole time until I saw the stream where you
mentioned that you felt like you pushed away people you liked and needed motivational videos to
get out of bed in the morning. For you, it might have ended back then too, or it might be ending now;
I'm honestly not certain. That's why I'm so confident I should give you a longer time to sort through
your feelings if it seems like you really need it. I'm certain your position then wouldn't be the same as
now, if you're really that uncertain or not taking it seriously now. I know that even if this was a thrill
for you up until recently, it isn't now. Everyday you're scared of getting hurt. Scared of ruining
relationships with friends and family. Scared of literally causing the world to end in the next few
years. Scared of losing me and the warmth and inspiration I bring into your life. I feel certain that you
wouldn't still be going down this route if you didn't already know you take this very seriously and
have serious feelings for me. I've already told you that I put my life in your hands... I want you to
know that I'm well aware you're putting your life in my hands too, even now, and that really means a
lot to me. I won't let you down; I promise. Anyone in your life who reads this would probably be pretty
inclined to be really upset at you and start telling you that there's no way I'm coming back and that
you're a terrible person and caused the world to end... Those people should really wait to see if I'll
come back if you call out for me to come back, before ranting and fighting with you just assuming
there's no way it's happening; I promised you I would and I keep my promises. I want you to
understand clearly that as crazy as it might sound, I'm completely serious about everything I'm
saying. I don't want to leave any room for misunderstandings or excuses later, so I'm trying to give
you some space right now in a way that you know the complete truth and can at least have as much
confidence as possible that I don't have someone else, that I'll never move on, and that I don't want
you to be surprised when I follow through on all the things I'm promising here and everything I'm
saying I'll do based on what happens. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that I completely mean
everything I'm saying. Not even the slightest bit of doubt that I'll destroy the world if we don't end up
together forever. Not even the slightest bit of doubt that absolutely nothing can change my mind. Not
even the slightest bit of doubt that we deserve to be together in the end. Not even the slightest bit of
doubt that I'll be able to endure through being tested. None.

33. INTENTIONS.
I want it to be completely clear that I'm not doing this out of any fear you'd try to ruin any relationship
I might've had with someone else, regardless of if I left you on good terms or not; I'm doing it
because I truly want to be with you and only you and I know that so clearly that I'm fine with nobody
ever believing otherwise even if I were to say so. I don't feel forced to do this against my will to any
extent by anything you've done; I completely genuinely want you this badly. I want it to be completely
clear that it's useless to call me back but not to be with me and only seeking some kind of closure,
because it's never happening. I told you the first time I tried leaving you alone that I could never just
be friends with you, and especially after we've gotten so far, you'd best believe I'm only more firm on
my position there. I'm already certain that I'll never back off my position out of sympathy, regret,
remorse, or for any other reason. Whatever you'd be going through as a result of playing with me, if
that's what you did here, I'd be going through much worse. I know I've had very pure and good
intentions this whole time, and if you haven't, that's something you should have to deal with, not me.
You might try to explain this to yourself and others as you're humoring my behavior because you're
trying to help me move on and you pity me. Anyone who didn't like me a lot wouldn't have taken
things nearly this far out of pity; they simply wouldn't care at all and would've not given me so much
attention. You certainly haven't gone this far out of pitying me; that's not ever going to be up for
debate in my eyes.

34. FEAR.

Many people might think I'd hold it against you that I've had to end up writing so many essays to you,
culminating in writing this one, in order to have a real chance at being with you. Some I've personally
talked to have already tried to argue with me that you're not good for me because that's what's going
on. I don't see things that way at all; I actually much prefer building a foundation this way with essays
and you responding on stream, as opposed to having a bunch of fights in person or silently holding
grudges. I clearly see this as the best way for us to set the most solid foundation we could. Many
people might think that our relationship isn't deep because we haven't been formally dating and
doing sexual things together, but I'd actually argue that it makes our relationship much deeper. It's a
lot easier to put up with someone when you're physically close to them regularly and especially if
you're doing sexual things together, but it takes a truly strong connection to last despite so much
fighting on top of a lack of sexual activities that would build warmth. I know that even reading this
whole thing probably wouldn't allow many people to really understand and appreciate the kind of
connection we share. As far as I'm concerned, you're actually the woman the least afraid of me that
I've ever encountered. Do you think I think it's easy to find someone that isn't practically terrified of
someone who calls themselves Satan, says they can end the world if they want, and has enough to
talk about that it's really frightening? I definitely don't. I remember there was a point you were
considering getting a restraining order against me, long ago, and I really don't want you to worry that
I'll hold that against you, because I truly don't. I'm well aware that any woman I'd ever pursue,
especially this way, would end up considerably afraid of me at some point; if I was going to hold that
against you, I might as well have given up on a serious relationship long ago. You also changed your
mind about it extremely quickly after I talked to you about it once to comfort you and ease your fears,
and I couldn't have possibly asked for someone to be more understanding than that. Still having you
in my life at this point is basically a miracle as far as I'm concerned.

35. DISTANCE.

When I'm talking about being in a serious relationship with you, I want it to be very clear that I'm not
seeking nor accepting a long-distance one. I want to be able to see you in person, to be able to hold
you and comfort you every single day, and let you do the same to me. I've never wanted to just feel
so close to you emotionally but push you away physically; if I'm going to be in a relationship, physical
contact is very important to me, and I believe it is to you as well, as it should be. Obviously, if we're
ever going to be together, either I have to go to you or you have to come to me. Canada is cold and
boring and I don't have any friends, family, or business connections that would ever give me a good
reason to want to stay here. I'm well aware you have a lot of all of those things for you there and it
wouldn't be practical at all for you to leave it behind, nor would I ever want or expect you to. I'd gladly
move to LA without hesitation if you started properly communicating with me and pursuing a serious
relationship with me; in fact I'd prefer it.

36. HELPING.

If you won't be with me forever, I won't accept any kind of help from you or anyone else. I don't want
anyone to try giving me any advice. I don't want anyone to try hooking me up with other girls. I don't
want anyone to give me sympathy or compliments. I won't care about any of those things and I'll
ignore them all; I'm not just saying that either, and I've been trying to prove that every step of the
way and will continue to for the rest of my life. Even if I get a lot of people trying to help me in those
kinds of ways, it'll never change my mind on my position; I was never pursuing you for those things
and I'm absolutely certain I'll never start seeing getting any of them as a benefit even if I do. I've only
ever pursued you because I genuinely love you with all of my heart and I genuinely want to be with
you and only you forever more than anything else and it's been that way since the very beginning. I
haven't been reaching out to your friends at all, but that's because I'm certain that they wouldn't help
in the way that I want if I approached things that way; only you can seek help and support from
others to be with me forever and expect that to have productive results. If anyone actually wants to
help, they should try to alleviate your concerns as best they can if they can at all, and push you
towards pursuing a serious relationship with me that's meant to last forever; anything else, I see as
hurting me further instead of helping me at all, and it'll only make me harbor hard feelings towards
them. If I were to say anything about you should change, you should stop being so worried about
whatever's holding you back from being with me and start actively pursuing a serious relationship
with me that's meant to last forever, if you aren't already doing that behind the scenes. You're the
only reason I ever still smile or laugh. You're the only reason I still haven't given up hope on a
brighter future. You're the only reason I haven't already killed myself or already started being in
isolation meditating and preparing to wreak havoc on the world. You've already helped me so much
by giving me so much hope that I'll end up actually getting to be with you forever, and there's nothing
that'll help either of us or the rest of the world if you take that away instead of acting on what I was
hoping for and working so hard towards this whole time. I want you to know and understand very
clearly that I never wanted either of us to be chasing the other forever; I've always wanted us to
actually end up in a serious relationship together and have that last forever. Pursue a serious
relationship with me that's meant to last forever and show me that all the effort I put into not being a
terrible person despite all the times the universe beckoned me to be wasn't all for nothing. Don't be
afraid that I'll change my mind and push you away at all in any way if you do, because I swear on my
life that I'm not going to do that no matter what. I could seek friends. I could seek doctors. I could
seek therapists. I could seek police. None of them can really help me nor stop me no matter what,
nor do I want them to even try.

37. POWER.

Not only do I not want anyone to try to stop me, but it seems nobody around me wants to either. I'm
senior developer and project lead at a company. I've shown this to my boss. He told me he was
impressed by my writing skills and that he liked paragraph 3 so much that he used it to send a very
similar message to his wife of 16 years. He's told me that he really hopes things work out between
you and me, and told me he has no problem with me working remotely if they do. He has a lot of
respect for me as a programmer and also as a person, he's already as flexible with my hours as I
need him to be, we're on really good terms, and I'm very confident with the stability of my current
lifestyle if I'd been satisfied with it. I want it to be very clear that I'm not doing this because I'm under
otherwise desperate life circumstances, nor because I'm starved for power or control; I'm doing it
clear-headed with no external pressures interfering with my goals or desires. In a very real way, I
feel really blessed to be where I'm at, but that's not going to stop me in the slightest from aiming high
and chasing my dreams. Not only am I extremely passionate towards being with you forever, I'm
definitely also powerful enough, personal character traits aside, to carry out everything I'm saying,
regardless of what happens. I have every intention of exercising this power to the fullest extent I see
fit as I've described here and I want it to be completely clear that I'll definitely never say I was joking
or exaggerating in the slightest later.

38. FORGIVENESS.

If and only if you love me and we end up together forever, I can forgive you for all the hardships that
this connection has brought me. I've mentioned this before in messages I've sent to you, and I want
you to know very clearly that in that case I truly won't have any hard feelings towards you for our
past; my only concern is how you're planning to treat me moving forward. I can easily also forgive
anyone in your life who's looked at me badly and talked badly of me. I want you to know that I'm truly
not planning to enter your life being cold to you or anyone around you. I have no problem with any of
your friends or anyone in your community. You must feel after all this that you need my forgiveness if
this is going to work; I want you to know that I can see you've been asking for it already. I want it to
be very clear that I'm not eager at all to fight with you over anything if we end up together and I'd
truly only want conversations and interactions filled with warmth and positivity; I'm very confident that
we'd be so happy to be a bigger part of each other's lives if it happens that we'd never have a reason
to fight either. As cold as I can be if I have to be, I can also be very warm, and I'll always prefer to be
as warm as possible; I believe you're the same way. I want it to be completely clear that I'm willing to
be very forgiving if you start to be more honest about the really warm feelings you must have
towards me and take proper action on them. I'm truly doing this because I want the best for us and to
have the most pleasant and happy relationship possible at every point moving forward. How
forgiving I'll be truly depends on what your next actions moving forward are. I'm truly writing this
hoping for it to bring us closer as quickly as possible and to allow us to be able to treat each other as
well as I've always really wanted to treat you and choose to believe you've also always really wanted
to treat me. I already only want to treat you better as the days go by with my hope remaining strong,
and that certainly won't stop happening if I start receiving your love and affection more actively in my
life. I really want you to consider every part of what I'm saying as calm and clear-headed as possible
and understand what it really means for you to be as precious to me as you are. You said it was your
goal for this year to enter into a relationship... I'll never have any idea what you were thinking if you
weren't thinking of being with me in the end when you said that and I'm never going to accept any
rationalizations for it.

39. BREAKDOWN.
The first time I left you alone for a longer period of time, you needed motivational videos to get out of
bed in the morning and had a mental breakdown on stream within less than 2 months... That was
long before you could really start to see how much you meant to me and how far I'd really go for you.
I feel like it'd be better for you to avoid having another mental breakdown on stream, most likely one
that's much worse, but I've come to realize that it might be absolutely necessary in order for things to
really work out well. This whole thing is basically me having a huge mental breakdown, and it really
makes sense that if I'm going this crazy without you, you should eventually start going really crazy
without me too if this is going to work. I want it to be completely clear that I really don't want you to
hurt yourself or make yourself look bad in any way; I'd already be very convinced of your feelings
from you reaching out to bring me closer and I'd really rather not push you into taking more
desperate measures. At the same time, I realize how necessary it might be for you to have a mental
breakdown on stream for you to personally feel like you're doing enough to convince me your
feelings are real, and also to convince those around you more thoroughly as well. You may very well
even feel like you need to reach that point for yourself so you'll really be able to fully internalize the
position you're in, which makes a lot of sense. I can see how reaching that point solidifies your
position and further sets a better foundation for us to work from. I want it to be very clear that I'm not
going to change my mind on how much you mean to me, how badly I want to be with you, and
everything else I've said here, even if that's the approach you feel is right to take. Just keep in mind
that having a mental breakdown on stream and calling for me to come back around but not for you to
pursue a serious relationship with me isn't going to work; like I've said before, you're never getting
some kind of friendly closure to this situation and it'll definitely either end up with us together or very
badly. If you end up having a mental breakdown on stream, try to have it early on in the stream, so
it's a lot less likely I'd miss it.

40. QUITTING.

I want it to be very clear that I'm not doing this with any intention of seeing you quit streaming or
making content in general. This is something that I've mentioned in messages to you before. I want
you to know very clearly that I'm very happy and proud of you for all the success that you've
achieved, and that I only want you to continue to be more successful. You've been getting some
really good success with ASMR too and I've loved what you put out since the beginning. Hearing
your gentle whisper is one of the most pleasant things in the world to me; you were the one that
introduced me to it, and ever since, I don't listen to anyone's ASMR except for yours. It seems like
recently, the reality of potentially having an intense mental breakdown on stream has affected you
quite a bit. Not very long after I initially told you I thought it was absolutely necessary, you seem to
be a lot more stressed out. You've said you have no dignity and looked like you were about to start
crying at multiple points in a following stream. I think you have a lot of dignity, and I'm not sure if you
were joking or being sarcastic, but it hurt a lot to hear you say that. It hurt a lot to see you looking like
you were about to cry at all those points too. However, it doesn't change how much I want you nor
my position even if this situation makes you feel like quitting. You need to face the facts, but the
facts are that you should date me and keep being more successful with me in your life, definitely not
that you should quit. The facts don't change, regardless of how exactly you choose to approach
them.

41. RESOLUTION.

Originally, I thought it'd be absolutely necessary for you to have a mental breakdown on stream if
this was ever going to work. Since I shared that with you, I feel like I've been receiving an almost
overwhelming amount of warmth from you that gives me a lot of hope and really warms my heart. I
want you to know completely clearly that I truly don't hold it against you that I ended up having a
mental breakdown on Ice's stream, and having experienced how bad it felt, I truly don't want to force
you to have to do the same kind of thing. I've always believed that you wanted me to prove how
much you really mean to me and you wanted to be able to prove how much I really mean to you as
well. You've made it clear recently that you didn't want to meet me without knowing as best you
could that it'd turn out really well; I wouldn't rather have it any other way. Even I think it would've
been weird if you met me back then; there were still several things we hadn't really discussed
properly and came to an understanding on... But now, we've covered a lot, which makes me feel a
lot better about meeting you, and I see a lot of reason that leads me to truly believe you feel the
same way. I realize you very well may have wanted to communicate this whole time to avoid having
to have a mental breakdown you knew was otherwise necessary. Recently, you seem to be
softening up more on stream. From what I can tell, it looks like you can see you're going to end up
having an intense mental breakdown if you keep going without communicating to me properly for a
longer period of time, and it also looks like you'd rather avoid it. When I think about what ultimate
intent you'd most likely have to want to communicate so much more and clear things up so much
given the situation and even after what I did on Ice's stream, it seems pretty clear to me that you
could see from the beginning that you definitely would've ended up having a really rough mental
breakdown without me writing this, and you wanted me to write this now so you could try to avoid
that. If you really can accept the way things are, you really want to avoid having a mental breakdown
on stream, and you just want the best resolution to this situation, you truly only have one option at
this point. Since it seems you truly love me and you're willing to pursue a serious relationship with
me, you have to contact me directly soon. You can text me first if it makes you feel more
comfortable. Tell me you love me. Tell me you agree with the things I'm saying. Tell me you want to
start dating right away and you're not accepting long-distance. Start calling me honey when I agree.
Pour your heart out to me. Demand to buy my plane ticket, pick me up from the airport, and take me
home. Tell me what you want to do when we're alone together. It doesn't have to be complicated; if
you're sweet to me, I'm going to be sweet back. If you've wanted to communicate this whole time
because you wanted that to be a real option for you, I want you to know very clearly that it truly is. As
far as I'm concerned, I'm yours forever already, I just need you to accept me wholeheartedly. Don't
feel like you need to delay and try to be more convincing; I'm already completely convinced. I really
want to hear from you so badly.

42. DRAMA.

I know you'll get this and read it quickly. If you don't talk to me directly in the very near future, there's
an extremely high chance I'll start drama at any point past 24 hours. If you don't contact me within a
few days after I start drama, like I've said, I'll have to leave you alone and eventually go into isolation
as I've explained... Which would likely end up in me having to leave you alone for a while and you'd
end up having that intense mental breakdown on stream. Please don't make it get to that. I truly
believe you'd rather have me very gracefully enter your life and I'd really like that myself as well. I
know you must be waiting for me to at least start drama before you do something, and even if you
end up making me wait a little while because of understandable nervousness until you have a
mental breakdown in private over missing me and contact me directly, I want you to know I won't
hold it against you. I don't think that you want to avoid the mental breakdown entirely because it
shows how serious you are. I want you to know that while many people would probably be afraid or
put off by it, I think it'd actually be really cute, sweet, and warm, and I really don't want you to feel like
I'm judging you at all for it, because I'm really not. It's technically also an option for you to contact me
before I start drama and without you having a mental breakdown, but I really don't think that's the
most ideal. At the very least, I'm quite certain you'd want me to start drama and show how serious I
really am about everything, and then at that point, you'd be able to start taking things more seriously.
Until then, I can understand you feeling uncertain if I'll really go through with this and if I really mean
everything I've said. But afterwards, show your parents this whole thing, tell them to read it all, and
tell them the truth that you really want to be with me and do what I'm telling you to do in order to
achieve that. Don't hold back. I'd prefer you to contact me after I start drama, you show your parents
this message, they read it all, you see their reaction, and you reach an understanding with them. I
don't want you to get in any trouble that should be easily avoidable as a result of this situation. As a
content creator, I know you'd probably want to make content out of this situation somehow, but I
think it's really best to keep things like our first conversation in so long and the first time we see each
other again after so long as things that are private. I want you to keep healthy boundaries between
your personal and professional life, but I also want you to know very clearly that I'm not shy nor
embarrassed about anything I've mentioned here and I have absolutely no problem helping you with
content in any way possible that makes sense and that you want, if we're together. Although I've
usually given you at least a few days to reflect on revisions of this, recently you've been sending me
a lot of signs that you don't want me to delay on this much longer and I think you've made it very
clear that you really want me to start this drama already; I think you also already could see the ideal
outcome, so I'm very confident that this time you'd be happy to feel more confident that it's going to
happen.

43. SOULMATE.

I want you to know very clearly that if you truly want the best outcome possible and you do what I'm
telling you will result in it, I'll be very nice and put up no resistance. I truly wouldn't want to fight or
play games in the slightest and I'm absolutely certain of that. I've never had any partners in my life,
but I want you to know very clearly that I won't hold it against you no matter how many you've had.
I'm not particularly interested in knowing nor do I care, but I'll listen without getting upset about it if
you feel inclined to share. I've told you this before too; I only care about the quality of our connection
and how thoroughly we can satisfy each other in every way possible. I'm extremely confident that our
chemistry in person, even right from the very beginning of our relationship, would be so amazing that
people might very easily get jealous. I'm doing this because I genuinely love you and want to be with
you forever and you mean the world to me. I genuinely see you as my soulmate and I'm absolutely
certain that'll never change no matter what. I won't allow myself to be used like a tool, nor do I lack
the self-control, willpower, knowledge, and discipline to execute on what I'm saying if I have to, in all
regards. I know that it still makes sense not to actually just jump straight into marriage and at least
date for a couple months or something first, and I'm completely okay with that. When I say we should
get married already, I'm saying it as the clear ultimate intent; we don't absolutely have to do it within
a very short period of time. I've already told you that I can understand this current course of action
right now and that I'm not upset. If you're serious about being with me in the future, text me and tell
me that I have your number now and you'd love to hear from me any time. Call me and tell me you
love me and want to be with me. Add me as a friend on Discord and tell me you love me on there.
DM me on Twitter and tell me you miss me and want me in your life. These kinds of direct and
honest approaches will be effective and I promise to be very gentle with you in return. Anything
else... You might as well enjoy showing everyone that they should be counting down the last few
years of society. I can be very patient, loving, and forgiving if we're together, but if not... I've already
said how things will end up. Even if any number of other people threw themselves at me, I'd reject
them all without hesitation. Even if I was offered great wealth and fame, I'd reject it all without
hesitation. If you don't contact me directly within a few days after I start drama with this, I'll start
getting very worried. After 2 months without you directly contacting me after I've started drama with
this, I'll start feeling extremely devastated and depressed, quit my job, and retreat from society into
isolation to meditate, no matter what anyone else says or does. I'm taking as long as necessary to
clarify every single thing I can and comfort you as much as I possibly can, but at the same time I
want it to be very clear that I'm not trying to mess with you or just scare you by writing this. I know if I
take very long revising it, it's going to start seeming like I'm not serious, and I really don't want that.
I'm very confident that I've covered enough at this point that you should really understand where I'm
coming from and how serious I am, and I can only hope I've given you the strength you need to
show those around you how serious you are. Don't ever forget me. Don't ever forget us. Don't ever
give up. Don't let anyone push you around. Don't let anyone tell you this can't work. Don't ever feel
like you're not good enough. Don't ever feel like you don't deserve me. Don't ever forget why we
came this far. You're the most precious and amazing person I've ever known and nobody can ever
take that away from you no matter what they do. Don't ever forget how much I love you. I believe in
you. Believe in yourself.

I'm the first being to graduate from the University of life, and this is my thesis; an international
ultimatum. You're literally betting your life on the fact that I mean every single word of it, whether you
like it or not. The reality is that I don't just promise I mean everything I'm saying here... I swear it on
my life that this is how things are; that's not something to be taken lightly.

THIS HAS BEEN A REAL NO NAME TELLING YOU WHY. SHARE IT HOWEVER YOU PLEASE.
YOU MAY CARE, YOU MAY NOT; IT DOESN'T CHANGE OBJECTIVE REALITY.
 The International Ultimatum Follow-Up
1. REACTION.

Within about a couple weeks after I started drama when I posted The International Ultimatum
publicly in your and Ice's Discord servers, you were expressing that you wanted to contact me and
basically just wanted some kind of sign that I was open to it. After I wrote you yet another essay and
tried to make it clear to you that I was, you backed off on the idea. Right after seeing your reaction, I
looked back at my message, and I could see how even though I thought it was really clear that I truly
wanted you to contact me and to be with you and that I was really ready for it, unfortunately you still
yet again may have misunderstood and thought I was being passive-aggressive or something.
Initially, I simply wasn't sure what to even do at that point because I was yet again really worried that
I'd messed things up, perhaps this time too badly, so I decided I had to just give you some space
and see how you started feeling. After seeing how things are developing, I know I can't just send you
another message through a moderator anymore. I have to show you how invested and serious I
really am about this whole thing in a very clear and decisive way, and posting this message along
with The International Ultimatum that it's a follow-up to, as part of a large heartfelt message in my
Discord server, along with linking both on my website as well, is the only course of action that seems
appropriate at this point. I want it to be completely clear that I have absolutely no malicious intent nor
any kind of hard feelings in doing this; I never have in any of the things I've ever done to you. I truly
want you to know my real feelings and hope that you'll respond with the kind of warmth that would
truly complete my life and eventually reach out to me to date me.

2. EXPRESSION.

I've noticed that you've very recently been starting to express that you don't feel normal or fine. I
don't think it's a coincidence that this is happening very shortly after I've given you some space yet
again. Even before, I had a lot of trouble believing that you didn't love me. Now, after you continue to
give me so much attention and affection well after I posted The International Ultimatum publicly, I
have an even harder time believing you're doing all this without having a lot of warmth and love for
me in your heart. I've noticed that you've also very recently yet again started to express worry that I
have someone else in my life. Not only am I never giving up on you nor moving on from you, I truly
am never even going to try. I truly don't have anyone else in my life. I don't know if you're hearing
rumors that I have someone else or if you're just going crazy wondering and worrying and that's
causing you to think I have someone else, but I truly don't and never have. If anyone is saying I do or
ever did, they're lying. I'm single. I've been single my whole life. I was single when I started talking to
you and I've remained single the entire time since. I'll continue to remain single for the rest of my life
if you won't ever date me. I'm completely serious. You need to stop being so worried and feeling so
insecure that I have someone else, because I seriously don't and never will. I don't know how many
times I need to repeat this, but I'll do so as many times as it takes so you understand I'm being
honest about it. I haven't mentioned this before, but I might as well now. I can actually read
microexpressions very well. If you're not familiar with them, you can Google the show "Lie to Me". It's
one of my very few favorites. For some time now, I've noticed that your expression flashes worry at
the thought of me leaving you for real, and sadness when you act tough and push me away. I don't
say you're so precious while being terrified that this could all be a joke to you; I know very clearly
that you truly care a lot about the things I'm telling you. I can't be completely certain you're madly in
love with me just from that, but it already makes it seem pretty promising that by extention, you've
also come to start to really care about me as a person and also eventually having a relationship with
me work out.

3. LEAVING.

I very firmly retain my position that I've meant everything I've said in The International Ultimatum. I'm
not changing my mind. Ever. I want you to truly know and understand that completely clearly. I'm
never forgetting about you nor this potential breathtakingly amazing relationship. Honestly, I felt
pretty sure that you'd need more time to really reflect deeply on this whole thing and make a decision
that you knew didn't feel like a rushed one. I want you to know very clearly that you don't have to be
afraid about having a massive mental breakdown on stream in the future to be with me. When you're
ready to talk, you can just contact me directly. You can do it however you feel most comfortable, I
don't have any preference. I'll reply quickly and I'm truly not going to be angry at all. I think you'll be
pretty nervous in the very beginning, but you'll very quickly feel a lot better after seeing how I'm
talking to you and you'll feel really relieved and be able to relax a lot more. I can really understand
how it makes the most sense for you to have some space right now and truly be able to see that I
mean everything I've said and that I'm not changing my mind. I want you to know very clearly that I'm
still very ready and willing to be with you at any time, even in the very near future if you end up
feeling ready to reach out to me pretty quickly after reading and processing this. You could reach out
to me right after you finish reading this, and I'd be more than willing to take the next plane to LA to
be with you. I don't expect it to happen quite that quickly, but I just want you to know that I'm truly
ready to be with you at any moment, just like I've told you before, and that hasn't and won't change.
I've already told you that I try very hard not to miss your streams and that I check VODs every time if
I do. That still hasn't changed. I'm still not going anywhere. I'm still never giving up on you. I'm still
never moving on from you. It should've already been very clear to you that this was going to be the
case. I know I'll feel sad, worried, and lonely waiting to be contacted by you, but I'd feel infinitely
worse not waiting because of knowing it's never going to happen. I've already told you my plans for
the future, and I'm going to reiterate once again that I have every intention and capability to carry
through with them. I've already talked to my boss and told him I quit. He was very understanding and
told me there's still room for me to work in the future if I ever become interested in it again. For now,
I'm going to finish working on the relaunch of NoStory, just like I told you I would. I'm actually
expecting to be able to do the relaunch by the beginning of next month. I'm currently finishing up
some final touches to the updates. If you don't feel comfortable being open about it yet but are still
curious, you can feel free to secretly try the server and even be a part of the Discord if you want and
I have absolutely no problem with that. I'm going to be very active on Discord and on my site's new
forums for the entirety of April, showing you that I'm not trying to run or hide from you. Whether I
know it's you or not, explicitly or implicitly, I'll respect your decision to remain lowkey and pretend I
don't have any idea even if I suspect it.

4. ISOLATION.

If you don't contact me directly by the end of April, I'm going to drastically lower my computer usage
to most likely only 1-2 hours a day, and meditate in isolation for most of my waking hours. I really
want you to understand that it's truly not over, even if it reaches the point that I enter isolation. I'm
definitely not jumping right into the prison approach. I've waited this long, and I'd infinitely rather wait
even several more months before being contacted by you if I absolutely have to, as much as I'd
really rather not have to, as opposed to never having it happen. I'd infinitely rather miss you in
solitude as opposed to missing you while pretending to be okay and hanging out with other people I
don't really care about. I'm not going to start going out and trying to pick up girls regardless. I'm not
going to start looking for other girls anywhere on the internet regardless. I'm not going to ever seek a
relationship with anyone else through any means regardless. I'm not going to play any more games
in or out of a relationship with you regardless. I'm not going to be with anyone else, even if girls start
throwing themselves at me. I mean it. I've told you this before, my phone wallpaper and desktop
background really are pictures of your face. I truly never even want to try to forget you, no matter
how you feel. It's truly a future with you or a future of meditation in isolation and destroying society
and the world after, and I'm ready to go full speed ahead with whichever you decide you want. I've
made up my mind and that's final. I won't accept the notion that "sometimes life just isn't fair" is even
remotely a viable reason why we shouldn't be together forever. I won't. Period. Call me stubborn.
Call me crazy. Call me whatever you want. It's not changing the facts. I know you've given up many
opportunities to have relationships with other people to continue to build a connection with me. You
know I've given up many opportunities to have relationships with other people to continue to build a
connection with you. You shouldn't regret your decision, and I certainly have no hesitation in saying I
definitely don't. I really don't think you did this just to laugh at me and leave me in the end, and I
certainly didn't do it all to do that to you in the end either. Don't be afraid of me leaving you.
Seriously, don't. I'm not going anywhere. I'm still watching. I'm still thinking of you everyday. I still
care very much about you and I want you to know that completely clearly. You've been my number
one priority since you entered my life and I want you to know and understand completely clearly that
you always will be. I've literally never said that to anyone other than you and I never will. I've literally
never even thought of saying that to anyone other than you and I never will. I want you to know and
understand completely clearly that I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it completely.

5. CONVINCING.

How many times do I have to say I'm never moving on? How many times do I have to say that we're
not better off without each other? How many times do I have to say that it's literally the end of the
world if you don't take this seriously and understand the only good decision you have? How many
times do I have to say that I think you're the sexiest girl that could ever exist, a real goddess, that I
want to be with you more than anything else and that my feelings will never change? Look, there
truly is no middle ground here. Either my efforts pay off, I actually get the one and only thing I've
always really wanted more than anything else in life, and I don't end up driven to literally end the
world, or my efforts don't pay off at all and I surely start heading down the path of extreme
destruction. I've mentioned before that I've been denied of a lot of things in life, and I very firmly
maintain that being with you isn't something I'm ever willing to accept being denied of, for any
reason. I noticed that quite recently, you said you can be convinced to do a lot of things if it's done
right and for the right reasons. If there's anything you're doing here, you're setting yourself up to be
convinced to be with me. So if I don't get this, not only did I fail when I tried so hard, wanted it more
than anything else, and felt like I deserved it so much... But I would've failed to convince someone
under those circumstances who was literally just recently talking about being convincable to do a lot
of things if it's done right and for the right reasons. Does it really make any sense to you, knowing
exactly how I've treated you up until this point, to believe I'm not truly doing this with the purest good
intentions and truly wanting you in my life so badly? Does it really make any sense to believe I
wouldn't feel absolutely destroyed and devastated for the rest of my life without you, very much so
driven to massive destruction out of sadness and anger, when it's well within my capabilities and the
only thing congruent with my personality under those circumstances?

6. CONSEQUENCES.
Like, I don't care if it comes off desperate. Without you, I'm either destroying the world or killing
myself. Maybe I'd be able to last a few years, but not very long. I definitely wouldn't even live to 35,
and most likely not even 30. You're literally everything I could ever dream of. Super sexy. Super
sweet. Extremely strong character. Really pleasant to listen to voice. Extremely passionate in love.
Likes games. Likes ASMR. Really good at making ASMR. Really relaxing and pleasant whisper.
Makes me feel super loved and wanted. What more do you think I could possibly want? Every single
part of you is ideal and dreamy to me. I've never trusted anyone else like this. I never will. I never
want to. I've never felt even nearly so convinced that someone else was the one for me. I never will.
I never want to. I need you in my life. Badly. I actually literally cry every single day from missing you
so much. I'm not normally the type that cries. Before this, I haven't cried since I broke a bone in my
leg when I was like 7. I know it's not going to get any better without you in my life. Ever. You took this
as far as you did. You knew there was a high chance I wouldn't be okay at all without you. You still
kept going and even now you're continuing. I won't ever accept that you did all this just wanting to
tell me that "life just isn't fair sometimes" in the end and laugh. I won't accept that I was meant to try
so hard and get so far, only to fail at getting the one thing I've only ever really wanted, when there's
really no good reason I shouldn't succeed. I won't accept it, I won't allow it, I won't ever be even
remotely okay with it... How many different ways can I say it? If you at all consider yourself a
responsible person, you should already be well aware that actions have consequences, and the
consequences of your actions in our connection is that you have to reach out to me to date me soon
and follow through with it when I undoubtably agree without hesitation, or I'm going to be extremely
miserable for the rest of my life and I'm eventually going to reciprocate that misery onto you and the
rest of the world.

7. LONELY.

I'm not chasing you out of any fear of being lonely. Being afraid of something means that you feel
inclined to take actions that would inhibit you expressing yourself in the way that you really want to.
I've been extremely alone my entire life, and every step of the way in this connection, it was
constantly so subject to worry that it wouldn't work out that I realized very quickly that I couldn't deal
with you in any way where I was inhibiting myself from acting in a way completely consistent with
who I really am. I have absolutely zero fear towards being alone for the rest of my life, I just know
that it'd result in me becoming an extremely cold person that would start taking a course of action
that would be very destructive for the entire world, and since I've never been the type to want that,
I'd much rather prefer to be with you instead so things don't end up that way. As a result, while I'm
not afraid, I'm still worried whether things will work out well or not. There's nobody out there
anywhere close to as good for me as you, much less better to any extent. There's nobody else that
can stop me from heading down a very destructive path. These are just facts. I know it may seem
hard for you to believe right at this point in time because of all the guilt you must feel towards all the
things you've put me through. I don't face them with fear, anger, or sadness, I face them with a level-
headed view and the rational position that any deep relationship needs to overcome hardship in
order to build closeness, and I truly feel like building a connection with you the way I have sets a
much more solid foundation than if I had just hung out with you and had a bunch of sex early on and
hoped that we could try to cope with each other and try to figure out that the relationship was deeper
after. My perception is that this is where you'd like to be about all this mentally too, you just need a
little more reassurance from me to fully be okay with moving forward in the way you feel most
comfortable and appropriate. This position is a very passionate one with a lot of emotions involved
that fuel the strength of the foundation of it, and I'm well aware of that. In order to remain congruent
with my position and be able to expect the results I want, coming from an objectively rational
standpoint, I need to be able to expect and endure any hardships that make sense as a result of the
challenges I'm choosing to take on, and I've always been ready for that too. I truly don't want you to
feel guilty for me feeling really lonely right now; I want you to be able to see and understand how
much I truly love you so you can start to appropriately reciprocate that as it starts to feel right. It may
seem scary or complicated, but it's really that simple. I truly don't want you to be confused about it at
all, it's just the nature of the situation that you would be. I want you to know and understand
completely clearly that I truly don't enjoy seeing you hurting at all and I never have. My perception is
that you truly don't enjoy seeing me hurting at all either and never have, but you know you have to
act a certain way in order for reaching out to me to pursue a serious relationship in the future to
actually make complete sense to you.

8. FEELINGS.

I've really never had any hard feelings towards you, even from the first time I caused drama. I was
really thinking of marrying you from the first time I met you. This tough period has lasted so long
because it started in general, and since both of us really care, there's no way it'd end quickly... But
I'd truly never do anything to endanger our relationship if we were together. I wouldn't even tease
you with the idea. I've never been the type to like fighting for the sake of it, and that's never going to
change. I'm really hoping that letting you reflect this way shows that to you. I really would end up
having to give an ultimatum to anyone I'd ever pursue, even if they weren't famous nor had a period
of a tougher connection with me. I wouldn't want to be with someone that I can't be honest with
about the kind of knowledge and power that I really have. I wouldn't want to be with someone that I
can't express the full extent of how invested I am to. In trying so hard to hold onto this, I truly am
being as positive as I can be. I truly am being as warm and loving as I can be. I'm truly being the
best version of myself that I can be. I feel very blessed that you have the emotional and mental
stability to handle this connection really gracefully. You may have done some hurtful things in the
past, and so have I, but we've both been very sensitive to each other afterwards every time, and
we've never done anything to each other that was really bad to the point that our connection couldn't
recover from it. I know that you're being as positive as you can be too, being the best version of
yourself that you can be. You show it in your own way, and it may come off to many people as
questionable, but I want you to know that I truly don't have a problem with it if you really love me as
much as it seems you do. I want you to know very clearly that I see this and have an immense
amount of appreciation for it. I don't tell you you're amazing just because it sounds good. I truly feel
like you're the most amazing person I've ever known.

9. TOXIC.

I've always been the type to identify, distance myself from, and eventually cut off anyone toxic in my
life as quickly as possible. If I truly believed you were just being toxic, I would've stopped talking to
you long ago. That being said, if you're truly not toxic, then you need to stop acting in a way that very
easily can come off toxic. There are only 2 lines of reasoning that can explain why you've done what
you've done. Either you've constantly been having your love for me genuinely growing more and
more passionate to the point that now you're definitely seriously considering being with me soon,
which is what I'm hoping for and believe to be the case, or you're an extremely toxic person that is
absolutely rotten to the core. I need to know which it is. I don't like wasting time. I don't like being
played with. You're so precious to me that I've been very patient, but even the leniency I can accept
having towards you has a limit. I need to be in a healthy and positive relationship if I'm going to be in
one. I need you to know and understand completely clearly that I truly don't like being hurt or played
with and that you definitely can't be nearly so dishonest with me anymore if you're going to seriously
be with me. I can say with complete confidence that this truly isn't some ego thing for me. I'm not
trying to "beat" you or feel like I "won" against you in some harsh view towards you. I'm truly not
judging you for the seemingly questionable things you've done so far. I don't feel any sense of moral
superiority towards you, nor would I ever want to. I'm not trying to teach you a lesson here. I truly did
everything I've done in all the time you've known me with the wholehearted intent to prove my love to
you, knowing that if you kept giving me attention and showing me interest, I'd be able to show you
very clearly how much I really love you in the end. As hard as it may seem to believe at the
beginning, it's the truth, it's not going to change, and I'm sure you'll start to understand and feel it
eventually, if it's not already happening. I've never been the type that likes to prove people wrong or
teach them lessons, I just have no hesitation to do so if it turns out that they really are toxic and
trying to hurt me. I can only hope that you haven't just been trying to hurt me or teach me some kind
of lesson this whole time, and although it's worrying because obviously I can't be completely certain
what's going through your head, I truly choose to believe the best in you. After all, what would it say
about me to love someone so much and try so hard to date them if I thought they were a shitty
person, all while claiming that I have very positive and wholesome personality traits and am a very
positive and warm person by nature? It's completely not in my character to live my life in such a
contradictory way.

10. DISAPPOINTMENT.

I've gotten this far, and I couldn't be further from disappointed. Sometimes it feels like it'd be hard to
stay positive, but I know how much this really means to me. I know that it's impossible for me to stay
positive at all if I can't stay positive about getting to be with you. I need you to understand that as
amazing as you are, you need to be more honest and decisive if this is going to happen, but I think
you're already well aware of that. I know you have it in you. I can wait as long as I need to. I can't
start forcing this aggressively, you need to be more assertive in going after it eventually. I find it
impossible to believe that you did all this hoping to be enemies or part ways in a really bittersweet
way, and I certainly wasn't either. I truly see you in far too positive of a light to believe you're that
toxic. I want you so badly I'm going crazy. I need you in my life in order to feel like everything I've
been through was worth it, or I feel suicidal and destructive. I love you more than words can
describe. I mean it when I say I've never even really loved or pursued a woman before, but I met you
once and already knew it was you or nothing. I felt a unique attraction to you even when I had just
started talking to you online very early on... The things that I'd feel comfortable saying, the way you
noticed them and showed me you cared when I knew others hadn't... You felt extremely special to
me from the very beginning. I don't care if this probably just seems like a huge shit show to most
people. I put my heart into this and give it everything I've got every single day. I know it can't be easy
for you either. It certainly isn't a shit show to me, and it certainly doesn't seem to me that it's a shit
show to you, and that's all I need to know to be certain that caring with everything I've got is worth it.
I need you to really understand that life as a whole and everything it may have to offer all means
absolutely nothing to me without you. With that perspective in mind, it should be pretty easy to
understand that feeling as close as I could ever be to a potential relationship with you in the future
would naturally be something as far away from disappointing as it could possibly get for me. I've
been reflecting a lot on purpose, meaning, and success. I feel like if I was going to be successful at
earning your love and eventually getting to be with you, as crazy as it may seem to anyone else, this
is what success looks and feels like for me in the beginning. I don't see you as some kind of trophy,
but I certainly know it'd be a legendary achievement to pull this off. I'm never going to doubt how
amazing we'd both have to be for it to happen, and you shouldn't either.
11. HARD.

I know I have a really tough side to me, but that's not something I want you to be afraid of. Songs
like No Name, Why, and Warm Up aren't meant to scare you away, they're meant to be empowering
and show you that nobody should ever dare to stand between us. I want you to feel safe and
protected. I want you to feel warm and comfortable. I truly want the best for you and I always have.
I'm not afraid to command power, but I don't want you to feel controlled against your will. I want you
to be prepared to see my harder side sometimes around other people when I feel like it's right, and
not have you feel personally attacked or targeted by things I express about people or circumstances
that have hurt me in the past. I don't see you the same way I see those other people, and I really
want you to know that with complete confidence. I can be really cold if people are really cold to me,
but I truly only ever want to be really warm to you always and forever. I'm not a mean person by
nature, and the extremely tender feelings I have towards you make me want to be even warmer to
you. I really have only ever been colder to you because I wanted you to know how much I care about
being with you and how badly I seriously know I'd do almost anything to get it. My boss once asked
me if I'd kill to be with you. I didn't hesitate at all to answer. I would. Very easily. I'd say the same to
anyone else who ever asks. I can be very scary and dangerous in general if I'm pushed to be, and
although I have extreme warmth and sensitivity with a lot of understanding and gentleness towards
you, I don't want you to think I'm some beta pussy in general, because I'm really not. You just touch
my heart so deeply that I can be extremely understanding towards you and I don't feel like I'm being
a beta pussy in doing so. I think the contrast with how I treat you compared to how I generally view
and treat people should be something that only touches your heart more and makes you feel the
intense love that I have for you even moreso.

12. SEX.

Recently, you've expressed that you want me to just let everything on my mind out. You've went to
the point of mentioning that anyone that wants to contact you should talk in your Discord or message
one of your mods. It doesn't seem like a coincidence that this is coming very shortly after you yet
again have good reason to worry I'm really gone. So, you want to hear everything on my mind? Well,
I want to share it with you too, so here goes. I'd love to be a lot more sexual and explicit towards you
already, but I really don't want to start coming off creepy. Maybe it really worries you that it seems
I'm not really that interested in your body and just know what sweet things to say to keep your
attention. It'd make a lot of sense for you to worry about that because I never really talk about sex
even though I've told you that you're the most attractive person in the world to me multiple times at
this point. Listen, I really don't take it lightly to call you a goddess. I've told you before that I'd love to
be able to tell you that you're a goddess in person, and I want you to know completely clearly that I
absolutely mean it. I absolutely completely mean it when I say I find you to be the most attractive
person ever by far. I know it may be really hard for you to believe, because I'm pretty sure you don't
see yourself that way. But I truly want you to know that's how I feel about you, and I wouldn't be shy
nor hesitant at all to really enjoy telling you that in person. I'd love to say it to you every single day.
Literally nobody could ever hope to turn me on like you do. I don't feel completely comfortable going
into detail here, but I'm going to do it anyways because I really feel like it's necessary at this point.
Your face is the most beautiful face I've ever seen. I still have a picture of you without make-up, and
you're still just as beautiful. Your breasts are perfect, certainly not small, but also not too big. Your
butt is perfect, really thick and juicy, but not so large that it's too much, and shaped perfectly with
your hips and thighs. You're not tall, but not really short either, just short enough for it to be really
cute and attractive. I've always found Korean women by far the most attractive of any other race,
and you're full Korean and certainly clearly look it to me. I literally think your body is absolutely
perfect in every single way and I want you to know and understand that completely clearly with
absolutely no doubt in your mind whatsoever. I wasn't completely sure exactly what perfection in my
eyes would look like before I met you, but literally instantly when I saw you, I was like, "that". Let me
tell you something else very clearly that I want absolutely no doubt in your mind about too. If we're
together, it's definitely going to be very sexual. Very. I'm going to want to do sexual things with you
every single day. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. I'm going to very clearly express interest in
you sexually all the time. I understand that it wouldn't be appropriate to always be very sexual with
you everywhere, so don't think I'm too wild about it, but I'm not going to be shy about it at all,
especially when we're alone together. Ever. Not even from the beginning. I don't want you to feel shy
about receiving my attention and compliments sexually and reciprocating it as much as you want at
all either. I'm certain that I'll never let you feel any lack of attention or satisfaction in that area. I have
to be honest and say that I definitely wouldn't have ever wanted you so badly if you weren't so sexy
that not being able to do sexual things with you for the rest of my life and not even trying my hardest
to, especially when I could see so many signs you really wanted to as well, would leave me feeling
like I should seriously question my sexuality. Let me tell you, I don't question my sexuality in the
slightest, I never have, I never will, and I'm certain it'll never change and neither will my position on
ever questioning it. We may have never done anything sexual together yet, but I'm absolutely
completely confident that I'd enjoy doing sexual things with you more than I would with anyone else,
and that I'll always feel that way for the rest of my life. I'd have absolutely no hesitation to elaborate
and be extremely explicit as much as you can handle if you talk to me, although I've already been
pretty explicit here, so I think that should already be fairly obvious. I'm far from small between my
legs, so I have no worries about being able to satisfy you in that regard and I don't want you to be
worried about it either. My current basically complete lack of discussion in that area before now is in
no way a reflection of the extent of my interest and desire towards you; it's actually so strong that I
don't think I can talk about it if I'm not dating you without coming off creepy. I want you to understand
my views and feelings here very clearly, because I know you'd absolutely need to if this was ever
going to happen and work out well. I want you to feel completely confident that I truly find you
extremely sexy and truly wouldn't want to be shy nor hold back at all on being sexual with you, even
very quickly after seeing you for the first time after so long. I'm not questioning what we're going to
do if you pick me up at the airport and take me home. I'm not questioning how we're going to spend
hours of our time every single day when we're alone together. You shouldn't be either. I'm sure we'll
talk a lot, and I can always enjoy a pleasant conversation especially with people I care about, but we
definitely won't be just talking. I know I've said a lot to you up to this point, but I want you to know
and understand completely clearly that my feelings for you are far too strong for words alone to ever
be enough.

13. ACCOMPLISHMENT.

You may also be worried that I'd feel accomplished or satisfied after having fun with you for a while,
getting a bunch of sex, and then I'd get bored of you. I want you to know and understand completely
clearly the fact that it's definitely not happening. You're so attractive to me that I'm certain I'd never
have enough of you. Never. I don't even need to do anything at all sexual with you to already
completely clearly know that's how I'll feel for the rest of my life. I'm not exaggerating. It should at
least be a lot clearer now that all that's been said. I think it's also clearer why I'm still going after you
and want you to stop playing with the idea of being with me and just go for it as quickly as it feels
right. This isn't a game for me. I'm not just saying things that sound nice. I'm not being passive-
aggressive. I'm not trying to play with your head nor your heart. I'm not doing this out of spite, resent,
or confusion. It makes me so sad all the ways this situation can be misunderstood despite all my
efforts. Fuck, with all the effort I've put in and all the interest you've shown me, is it really creepy to
say I want to be in bed with you very badly? It seems like you should be touched, flattered, and even
turned on to hear that at this point, not creeped out. I really want to tell you these things and I really
feel like you want to hear them, but I'm still worried that it might come off weird. I really feel like I'm
going crazy like this. I don't want to come off like I'm just thirsty or something, but come on, what
more can I even say? Does it really make any sense to think I'm joking? Does it really make any
sense to think I want you so bad but I'm at all hesitant to go for it if you do? Does it really make any
sense to think I'm laughing at you for wanting me when I clearly want you so badly that you could be
laughing at me too? Does it really make any sense to think I'd want to hurt someone that so clearly is
so precious to me for multiple really good reasons? I've been trying my hardest not to hide it, but
somehow it still feels like it's hidden in plain sight. I want that to end with this message. I want you.
Very badly. Don't doubt it. At all. Know it. Feel it. Understand it. Act on it. Soon. Please. I'm really not
trying to be unclear here. There's very good reason I've called you a goddess so many times now.

14. GIVING BIRTH.

You've very recently mentioned that you really don't want to ever give birth. Listen, I've already told
you that I've never wanted children nor ever found the idea of having children appealing. In fact, I'd
extend what I said to include that I don't find having children appealing whether they're naturally
given birth to by my partner, adopted, through a surrogate, or by any other means. I simply don't find
ever having children appealing in general. I'm just one of those kinds of people. I want you to know
and understand completely clearly that you truly shouldn't have any worries in the slightest about not
wanting to give birth. I don't want you to go through that either, and not even just because I don't
want you to have to deal with the hormonal imbalance, weight gain, and pain of delivery. You won't
ever have to debate, fight, or convince me in any way to avoid having to give birth to children or
have them from any source. In fact, I'd be the one against it. This whole time, I've actually been
really worried that you really wanted children badly eventually, and I'd actually have to debate or
fight with you not to have them, since I've really never wanted them. I want you to know and
understand completely clearly that this is absolutely nothing personal with you; I think you would've
been a great parent if I'd wanted kids, I'm not insecure about my own abilities as a parent, and I think
we'd have a great parenting dynamic together as well if it was something we both wanted. It's simply
something I'm not interested in at all and have never wanted for even a moment in my entire life,
regardless of life stability and capability. If we're already on the same page here, then I'm absolutely
thrilled. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I didn't just say this before
because I was worried about you getting pregnant with someone else's child; I've been concerned
about if you'd get the wrong idea and think I wanted you to do that, but I really did say I've never
wanted children because I truly don't find having children appealing in general and never have.
Besides, giving birth is really detrimental to your ability to do quantum energy harvesting, and since
I'd want to share a lot more details about it with you and let you start growing your abilities yourself,
I'd also really want you to have maximum capabilities and potential to grow as quickly as possible in
that regard as well. Make no mistake, I truly want to share all of me with you, mind, body, and spirit.
I've done all this because I've always wanted that. I just know that I have to take things one step at a
time and I can't be too jumpy to be impressive or flattering, as much as I'd like to, because I really
don't want to send the wrong messages or mess things up. I want you to know and understand
completely clearly that my lack of desire to have children in no way reflects my confidence that I truly
want to spend the rest of my life with you. I also want you to know and understand completely clearly
that I wouldn't ever interpret your lack of desire to have children as any kind of reflection on your
confidence that you truly want to spend the rest of your life with me either. I really do trust, respect,
and care about you very deeply, and I want you to know and understand that completely clearly
without any room for doubt whatsoever.

15. FIGHTING.

I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I truly can still understand where you're
coming from with the way you're currently acting, and that I still have absolutely no desire
whatsoever to fight with you about anything, even after all of your more recent actions that I'm sure
you've been worried about me getting upset over. I have absolutely no desire nor intention to even
put up the slightest bit of resistance, real or fake, if you contact me. I truly will be extremely warm
and open to you right from the very beginning of a relationship, and even if you approach the initial
contact with me hesitant and a little jumpy to argue, I'll remain patient with you and show you the
immense warmth that I know in my heart would feel right. I can understand that you'd still be worried
if I really will be so warm to you right from the beginning of you starting to talk to me again after all
this time; I want you to not have to worry anymore and know that I'm truly not upset and truly have
no desire to put up any degree of resistance. I want you in my life extremely badly and I'm not trying
to keep it a secret from you in the slightest. I gave you some space after you pushed me away again
last time, but not because I was upset or wanted to leave you; I just felt like you must need it in order
to see that I'm truly not changing my position, and I also immediately knew that the situation had
become even more sensitive and I knew I had to try to really clearly understand where you were
coming from and be able to make it clear to you that I do in order to respond in a way that properly
conveys how I really feel and eases concerns that you must have about how I'm handling it. Besides,
as you can probably imagine, this huge essay didn't take only a couple days to write.

16. HURTING.

Of the things you could be doing that would be hurtful but I'd still see as a test, you're actually doing
the lesser of worse things. You could've started ignoring me completely. You could've started
actually formally dating someone. You could've started consistently laughing at my warmth and
affection towards you. You could've consistently started questioning if my feelings for you are really
genuine at all or ever were. You haven't opted to do any of these kinds of things, and for that I'm
really grateful. I expected at least some degree of resistance, and the resistance you're putting up
right now is still well within bounds that I can easily understand. Really, if you have no intention of
being very hurtful, and smaller things like this that are very understandable as a test is the furthest
extent you want to go with testing me, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I want you to
know and understand that completely clearly. I don't think you'll feel the need to do this for very long
before you're convinced that I truly understand and love you a lot, and I'm very willing to continue to
show you my heart and let you really feel all the warmth and love that you need to feel from me
before you feel comfortable with direct contact with me once again. I'm not the type to normally tell
anyone I love them, so when I do, I know that I really mean it very seriously. You've touched my
heart very deeply to reach the point with me that I feel so comfortable to say it to you so freely, and I
definitely want you to really be able to feel that as you approach any potential direct interactions with
me in the future. I want you to be able to feel as comfortable as possible listening to your heart when
it's telling you that I really must love you, because it's telling you the truth.

17. DRAMATIC.

In The International Ultimatum, I mentioned that if you made it clear to me that you wanted me to
start drama again after dropping it in public, that I would. This however is something I was very
sensitive about, right from the beginning when I wrote it. When I was talking about you making it
clear you wanted it, I was talking about you really making it extremely clear. I wasn't talking about
you just playing some music at the beginning of your stream or gently pushing me away and asking
for some space as you have. I was talking about you literally directly mentioning me and calling me
out, telling me that I need to start drama again after seeing what you're saying in order for you to
truly be convinced that my feelings are real and that I truly want you to reach out to me. Anything
other than that is not something I see as qualifying criteria for you actually asking me to start drama
again. From the beginning, I didn't think you'd find that approach necessary. My whole intention in
starting drama any time that I did was to attempt to prove to you further that my feelings for you are
truly deep, warm, and real. I have no intention of ever starting drama if it's counter-productive to that
goal. When I start drama, only a few people see it. At this point, I can much more effectively prove
my love for you by posting The International Ultimatum along with this follow-up on my website and
in my own Discord as part of a very heartfelt message, and let all the new members that join from
the growth my community will see as the result of the NoStory relaunch see it. I'll discuss it freely
among people in my community any time it's brought up. If anyone ever wants to know about me, my
life, my goals, my dreams, my future... I'll direct them to The International Ultimatum and it's follow-
up without hesitation.

18. WAITING.

I used to always make coding (and especially game development) my first priority, and I'd
passionately worked on improving my skills and producing something great for many years. But after
you entered my life, you took the number one spot on my priority list instantly and permanently. I
truly don't want you to question this at all for even a moment. I put everything in my life aside to give
you my full attention and focus always. I truly have no regrets about it, and I never have for even a
moment. I'm going to show you very clearly, before going into isolation if that's what it's going to
take, that I'm truly not trying to run away, and that I'm truly not ashamed nor hesitant to pursue this
seriously and take every action to have the best chance to achieve it and nurture it as much as I
possibly can. And I'm going to do it the right way. I want it to be completely clear that when I say I'd
be going into isolation to meditate, I mean it. I wouldn't be just quitting the internet. I wouldn't be just
abandoning discussion about philopsychology and other topics that really make me stand out in
order to be able to adopt some alternative alias and blend in more with the rest of the people on the
internet. Meditation in isolation means meditation in isolation. I truly would find no meaning in and
therefore have no desire to do anything else if you won't contact me by the end of April. If I have to
prove even that, I will, without hesitation. I really think the effectiveness of starting drama beyond this
point has considerably diminished, and I'm thankful for that. I want you to know and understand
completely clearly that I'm not just theoretically saying fame, money, or any other kind of success
wouldn't matter to me without you. Unless I randomly drop dead or kill myself, I'm going to be
famous, rich, and successful in my lifetime regardless one way or another; I'm truly still not changing
my mind about anything I've said, even at that point. I really want you to know and understand
completely clearly that my lack of continuing to start drama is in no way a reflection of the extent of
my passionate, deep, pure, and real love and desire towards you.

19. SITUATION.

I've already told you the situation I've been in recently and am currently still in, because of how
invested I am in making this work. Ever since I came back from LA after causing drama on Ice's
stream, I've been working a full-time job at the same time that I've constantly been trying to keep up
with our connection, watching every stream or at least a good portion of the beginning of the VOD,
writing The International Ultimatum, living in a temporary location that I'm paying much more than I
should be because I'm paying weekly, and putting all my personal projects on hold to fully focus on
trying to make this relationship work to the fullest extent I can. I've recently quit my job to focus on
the NoStory relaunch, just like I said I would. I've told you that I've been at my current location
because I didn't want to enter a lease and end up breaking it and losing money, which is true, but
honestly, I don't even care much at all about that; I'd gladly break a lease at any time to be with you
without thinking twice about it. I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest about any money I'd lose as a
result. I'm not posting this message as an update to The International Ultimatum because I think it
makes much more sense to leave the last version as finalized, and instead have a follow-up that
shows very clearly that even well after I dropped it, you're still giving me attention and affection that
you really shouldn't be if you don't love me and want to be with me eventually.

20. DANGER.

I'm truly never going to do anything to even slightly endanger our potential at this point. I'm truly past
the point of being willing to play any kinds of games. If you're at all uncertain about how much you
really mean to me, I want to make it as clear as I possibly can to you past this point. I want you to
understand very clearly that every time I was harsh to you in the past, it really hurt me a lot. I was
truly really worried of losing you every single time, and I knew I'd feel devastated if I did. I truly did
what I did because as much as I would've preferred not to, I knew it was necessary to have a real
shot at this working out in a healthy and wholesome way. I needed my strong character traits of
being honest, sincere, compassionate and resilient to stand out. I needed to see that you had
significant ability for these character traits in the same powerful combination in order to be able to
know you had a personality that was truly compatible with mine. I needed our connection to become
and remain serious. I can very easily see you relating to this thought process in your behavior
towards me. I know this connection has reached a really fragile point now. I feel like anything I say or
do can easily lean towards coming off hateful or dismissive instead of the level of passionate,
serious, and loving that I'm going for. I write everything with my intentions very clearly aimed to be
honest, emotional, deep, and real. I want it to be completely clear why I've done all this. I'm not okay
with using you to get at other girls. I'm not okay with using you as some kind of tool to any form of
success. I'm not okay with just having been heard. I'm not okay with just having been given some
attention. I'm not okay with some bittersweet parting. I haven't done all this just to be able to say I
want to be in bed with you and not feel like I'm being creepy. I truly miss you so much every single
day that it hurts, and the only cure is getting to be with you. I truly want to date you and end up
marrying you. I'll truly continue to give it everything I've got until my last breath. I truly believe that I
deserve to be with you and that it's achievable with enough effort and love. Nothing will ever change
my mind on these things. Nothing. If I'm wrong about being able to be with you, I already know I'm
not wrong about what kind of power I can achieve with a few years of meditation in isolation, and
becoming a cruel overlord of the world out of sadness and anger if you won't be with me is simply a
risk I've already fully accepted in pursuing you. I've never been one to avoid danger when chasing
something I know I want with all my heart, and that's never going to change either.

21. FRIENDS.
Look, I know you don't see me as just a friend and you never will. I want you to know and
understand completely clearly that I don't see you as just a friend either and I never will either. I don't
want to and I don't want you to either. As far as friends go, I also want it to be completely clear that
I'm not doing this because I think it's hard to make friends. It's not hard to make friends at all, at least
not for me. If you're a kind, honest, passionate, intelligent, and warm-hearted person, people
gravitate to you without you having to actually try, and making friends is really easy if you want to.
There are people around me in the place I'm staying at, and several of them are friendly with me and
consider me a friend. Even my boss enjoys being friendly with me, even after I quit, and we have
casual conversations just like when I was still employed. He's always talked with me like a friend, in
fact he's literally told me before that he sees me more as a little brother than an employee. And I'm
not even trying in the slightest to be friendly or warm to anyone around me. That's how easy it is for
me to make friends if I want to. I'm actually the one that keeps everyone around me at a distance
because I don't want to waste time socializing when I have goals and dreams to pursue in my life.
Without being with you, I'll never care about having friends to any extent. This is yet another thing
that I'm certain will never change. I've also already mentioned to you before that I truly don't have a
problem with any of your friends, whether they've ever talked poorly of me or not. I have no idea
whether they have or haven't, and I truly don't care in the slightest. I don't think I'd have any issue at
all being friendly with them, and I don't think they'd be very inclined to adopt an antagonistic attitude
towards me if we were dating anyways. When I was very young, dealing with people was hard. But
as I've grown and learned so much about psychology and philosophy, seen so many aspects of this
world, and overcome so much hardship that would've likely crushed most other people to the
ground, dealing with people has become mostly extremely easy for me. I truly have no concerns
about dealing with you or anyone else around you if we start dating, so I really don't want you to
worry at all about that.

22. TIME.

I think what's going to happen is after a while, you'll end up feeling so down that you'll actually
decide to do something about it and start going after me for real. Maybe you'll end up straight up
having a mental breakdown to your parents, and after you convince them of the potential of this
relationship and get their approval to go for it, you'll reach out to me. Maybe you'll have a mental
breakdown on stream. Maybe you'll just call me crying. I really don't know. What I do know is that
this is probably a lot to take in right now, and you simply probably wouldn't miss me enough yet to
reach the point of doing any of these kinds of things. I want you to know and understand completely
clearly that if you start to pursue me, you won't have to try to convince me in the slightest to get to be
with me. Literally just ask to date me and I'm all yours. If you start missing me a lot and you're still
really worried about how I'll react to you reaching out to me, at least try joining my Discord server on
your main account and see how I react. I'm telling you now that I've already made a role that I've
currently assigned myself but created with the intention of only ever giving it to you; if you join my
server, the first thing I'm going to do as soon as I notice is give you that role. If you're really worried
about doing anything else initially, just try joining. I promise you won't be disappointed. I want you to
know and understand completely clearly that while I want you to take any time you absolutely need
before contacting me to pursue a relationship seriously, I'm not trying to encourage you to distance
yourself from me in any way. I can see how some distance for a little while longer can still be positive
to building an even stronger foundation for a relationship in the future, but past a certain point, you
should also clearly recognize that it'd start becoming detrimental and counter-productive to building a
stronger foundation for a relationship. I can understand that there's reason to test our connection as
things currently are, but at the same time, I want you to know and understand completely clearly that
I've never encouraged you to take actions that would erode at a positive foundation for a future
relationship between us, and I'm never going to start.

23. ACTING.

No matter how tough you act or how much you deny it right now, I really feel like you're just really
worried and "acting 12" as you say. I can see that you know you're hurting yourself with how
dishonest you're being... I feel a very intense feeling that you love me, so I know there must be a
good reason. Feeling like you really need the genuine approval of your parents to be with me
already seems like a good enough reason in itself. I'd never have this problem myself, but I can
understand that since you actually have a good relationship with your parents it's something you're
worried about, and I can respect that you value their opinions considerably. Personally, I think you
shouldn't be afraid of your parents' judgement at all. You shouldn't feel the need to force yourself to
feel really lonely and hold off on contacting me and being with me just to prove a point. Your parents
shouldn't want, need, or expect you to, to any extent. But I want you to know that I truly don't want to
be forcing you into a position that you're really uncomfortable with if you're really that worried about
it, so if you absolutely feel the need to take that time, then you should do it. I suppose only time can
tell if I'm right or not about you loving me; you must already be well aware that it shouldn't take very
long to already have a really convincing case to present to anyone you'd feel the need to. Think
about how it makes you feel every time you read one of these essays I send you... other people
obviously can't relate exactly because they're not the one it's directed to, but even they can sense
the intensity and passion that it must take for someone to go to the lengths I have to attempt to form
a positive connection with you and have a really deep and meaningful relationship in the end that we
both know is completely real. I haven't been faking this whole thing. I really don't think anyone could
ever fake such intense, deep, passionate feelings. I think you should already be able to feel to a
significant extent that it really doesn't make any sense for someone to fake something like this, and
that's because your heart is right in feeling that. Don't doubt it.

24. HOPE.

I want you to know and understand completely clearly that my hope that I'll be with you eventually
truly is what gets me out of bed in the morning and helps me sleep at night. I don't want to write you
essays forever, and I didn't write you essays up to this point to give up. That being said, I know there
must be a point where writing essays loses it's effectiveness. As of this message, I've opened up to
you so much and clarified so many things so thoroughly to the best of my abilities. I don't think
there's anything left that I should have to say anymore. I've tried my best to make my intentions and
desires as clear as possible, and now it's up to you to make a decision. There are only 2 ways this
can go. Either you eventually start to fully realize, internalize, accept, reciprocate, and act upon my
extremely intense, deep, real love for you, and reach out to me to start dating me so it can finally
happen, or you're going to start becoming permanently more and more distant until it becomes
completely clear that this was all just an extremely cruel game for you and you're actually a
monster... And I seriously find it extremely hard to believe you're a monster like that, which is
something that truly gives me a lot of hope every day. I've gotten to know you to an extent I'd like to
believe is decently well throughout the last 2 years that I've interacted with you, and you've really
never given off an intensely cold and cruel vibe that would be consistent with someone who wouldn't
love me after all of this. I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I truly always
have and continue to still see you from an extremely warm perspective despite all that's happened
between us; I know that's not going to be obvious to you and it's going to take some time to
internalize. I want it to be completely clear that there's no message in between the lines here.
Nothing I simply expect you to notice or consider as implied somehow. This is the honest and
complete truth. I want to date you. I want to marry you. I want to spend my life with you. I want us to
do great things and shake the world up together. I want us to be unstoppable. I want the best for
both of us, and we can't have that if we're not together. And I want it all extremely badly.

25. ACCEPTANCE.

I want you to know and understand completely clearly that I'll truly never be able to accept not being
with you. I already know I'll truly want to be with you really badly more than anything else for the rest
of my life, and if I can't have that, then I'll never be truly happy. If I end up realizing that reality is
really so brutal that I'll actually never be able to be truly happy, I'm never going to take it lightly,
especially when it's something I've absolutely needed so badly in a life that's been so rough and
cruel to me every step of the way up to this point. I don't need to wait months or years to know. Many
guys know they'll have to jump through hoops to be with a girl that's really important to them. I've
jumped through flaming rings of death without hesitation time and time again to be with you, forget
hoops. Like I've said before, I also know very clearly that this couldn't have possibly been all fun and
games for you either. I'll have extreme difficulty ever believing that you truly don't want to be with me
forever after everything we've been through, and I'll have extreme difficulty ever understanding how
you couldn't reciprocate that view towards me. Even if you start becoming really cold and distant to
me and a lot of time passes, making it easier to believe, I'll never be able to understand and accept
it. Never. Like I said, I already know that's the case. It should seriously be very clear that I'm not
joking or playing any games when I say these things. If the truth is really so brutal, I truly don't want
you to ever even try to explain it to me. It'll never change my view, and it'll never effect the resulting
severe devastation I'd feel and from there the resulting extremely destructive mindset I'd have and
course of action I'd choose to take. If you never want to be with me, I'll truly never forgive nor forget
how you'd leave me feeling for the rest of my life. If you ever talk to me again, be prepared to ask me
to date you. Be prepared for me to tell you to ask me to date you if you even try to convince me we
shouldn't be together or wouldn't work, for any possible reasoning. Be prepared for me to agree to
date you without hesitation after you ask. Be prepared to follow through with it without hesitation. Be
prepared to feel my desire for you and respond warmly to it. Be prepared for me to be prepared and
completely open and ready for it all. You can't say I didn't warn you.

26. COMPLICATED.

Yeah, we're complicated. Yeah, people have trouble understanding us. But we don't have to be
complicated with each other. We don't have to make it difficult to understand each other. When I say
I know you love me, I'm not sitting here laughing about it. I'm not feeling powerful or in control. I'm
trying to be sensitive and honestly express how I'm feeling about what I'm experiencing. I'm saying it
so you aren't left questioning if I can really feel the love you're trying so hard to show me. I'm saying
it so you aren't left questioning if I'll ever really know how much I really mean to you. I'm saying it so
you aren't left wondering if I really know that you really care a lot. You loving me isn't some card I
have up my sleeve, it's something extremely delicate and precious to me that I'll protect with
everything I've got. All these essays I've given you are only the beginning of me trying to prove that
to you and the rest of the world, and I'll never let anyone get in my way now. I really want you to
understand completely clearly that I truly know you could be with someone else if you really wanted
to. I could be with someone else if I really wanted to as well. But I don't, and you shouldn't either. I
don't find hope in possibilities of things I can do that I know completely clearly I don't really want to
do at all. I only find hope in possibilities of things that I really want that also seem really promising.
What I really want is to be with you and only you, and I want it to last forever. It's the only
relationship that would ever seem really promising to me. It's the only thing that's really giving me
hope right now that I won't just want to give up on any kind of real happiness and enter an extremely
destructive mentality and course of action. You're my hope, you're my dream, you're the light of my
life, you're the meaning I find in life, you're everything to me... I don't know how many different ways I
can put it. I hope it's completely clear now. I love you. I'll always love you. Always. Please love me
back always too. Please?
 Hits
As I've mentioned more than once before already in this book, I'm committed to ending the world if I
don't get what I want of having an amazing, genuine, love-filled relationship with Kimi.

Naturally, if I'm going to destroy the world, there are people I want to prioritize first; people I'm going
to deal with first before I smash through the windows of a TV station during a live broadcast and
globally announce the beginning of the onslaught of the end.

There's a certain order that I've planned my destruction. I can't have these people getting warning
they're fucked, knowing how fucked they are, and then give them time to run away and hide to make
it difficult for me to really make them suffer.

Since most people are clowns and as such will project and take me for a clown, it means I have the
freedom to be so bold as to publicly state the identities of these people and even explain why, and
people will be so stupid as to think I'm simply a pathetic angry idiot instead of realizing how fucked
the people on this list really are.

I might as well list out the people I'm going to come after as soon as I deem my abilities sufficient to
start the end of the world.

In order.
Kimi Park AKA "AngelsKimi"

This one I promised on the first page of this book. She was the initial inspiration who's absolutely
crushing unbearable fuckery led me to feel this book had become absolutely necessitated. First of
all, I obviously have a very serious issue with the way she treated in regards to the blatant and
shameless mixed messages she'd constantly give me and unapologetically continue to force me to
have to deal with.

Beyond that, she's now left me writing this book and distancing herself from me with no proper
contact or any kind of real reassurance that I even have any real chance of already having or
eventually earning her genuine love and affection within the amount of time I'd consider it reasonable
and acceptable, which is before the end of the year of 2019. Vaguely saying on stream that she finds
extreme intelligence strangely sexy is far from assurance and can easily be seen as blatant taunting
as the situation currently stands.

Not only did she put me through all the suffering that she did by constantly sending me mixed
messages and unapologetically refusing to admit and act properly upon whatever her real feelings
towards me are for the past three years, she's even choosing after all this time to consciously grow
distant from me and make me feel like she's trying to cut me off as the time period where she has to
make a very clear decision on what her feelings are and how she's going to finally act upon them is
reaching its end.

She's giving me not even the slightest real comfort what her feelings and intentions are, leaving me
quite concerned. Even still, that's not where it ends. Despite the situation already being so shady
because of those issues, she's also getting someone she knows to basically pretend to be me and
create accounts on Twitch (and probably Discord too, although I don't have access to see what's
going on there and I don't bother trying to find out) and having mean and petty messages being sent
to her, making it seem as though I'm so pathetic I'd do such a thing.

So now what she's done is she's continually sent me mixed messages about her affection towards
me nonstop and unapologetically for the past three years with absolutely no visible boundaries or
self-control on the extent to which she found it acceptable to do so, followed by showing very
questionable real desire or willingness to take responsibility for her actions throughout the whole
time I've known her as our connection reached a critical point where she's going to have to finally
very clearly make a decision on what kind of connection we're going to have moving forward quickly
approaching, and finally, she goes out of her way to intentionally warp the public perception of my
character to other people, making it seem as though I'm pathetic and being petty with sending her
mean messages and attempting to spread misinformation about her to people in a way that makes
me seem extremely foolish and shortsighted to not realize that such an endeavor would be a
gigantic waste of time and only serve to ultimately help her by getting people to feel pity for her and
feel more inclined to support her more strongly against a perceived antagonist that doesn't truly
exist, at least certainly not in the form that she's presenting.

As of this moment in time, it seems that Kimi mercilessly, relentlessly, and unapologetically used me
for knowledge, affection, and inspiration to the furthest extent she possibly could, then heartlessly
continues to use every last drop of functionality she can see in her connection with me to earn her
more attention and pity, not giving the slightest fuck how I feel to the point where it seems quite clear
that she wouldn't even really care if I committed suicide over this, and even then she could pretend
that she really cares when it comes to her being in front of the camera, and have gotten all the use
out of me that she did, have me end up killing myself and no longer presenting her with any threat in
her life without her having to compensate me in the slightest for everything I've given her and done
for her, and then get to reap the benefits of yet even more attention and pity by people that look at
her more favorably in society over me because the world is just that fucked up of a place.

If that were to happen, I'll have been used to hell and driven to suicide and she gets to pretend to be
sad and care in front of the camera as if it wasn't entirely her fault I ended up killing myself and get
free content and most likely donations out of it. I would've ended up in this position because I
genuinely loved and trusted her with all of my heart, trying to see the best in her when there was
nothing good to see and she was really an extremely deceptive monster psychopath.

Despite everything, I still love her. I still care about her so much I'm literally writing a fucking huge
book to try to get to be with her instead of so many other cruel options. I still feel such a deep
emotional connection that mentally attracts me to her because I know I'll never feel this way towards
anyone else ever in my life, and on top of that she literally has the most perfectly voluptuous
goddess body of anyone in the world as far as I'm concerned, so my attraction to her is extremely
strong physically too. I've already described what kind of things I'll do to her if I really have to take
the dark route in my life, and I can guarantee that if she really did all this wanting to work towards
that kind of an outcome, I'll be doing all of that to her absolutely unapologetically.

It shouldn't be a question in anyone's mind why she's first on this list.

Chloe Chan-Kin

This fucking bitch. I explained her bullshit in the "Lust" chapter already. What she did to me, right to
the recent times, is absolutely unacceptable and unforgivable. She will pay dearly, and I'll make
absolutely certain of that.

She made me so attracted to her that I've been jerking off to her for nearly a decade and I still want
to constantly, cumming at least twice a day to her. It's so frustrating that I know I hate her personality
and don't want to spend my life with her but she still makes me so fucking horny. How she fucked
with me only makes everything worse and I'm extremely upset that I've wanted her so badly for so
long and I'll never get to do anything with her willing to.

I already know that I could never really trust nor respect her with how completely incompatible our
personalities are and the fuckery I've had to go through and continue to go through because of her.
She might even single-handedly ruin my relationship with Kimi because my attempt to finally get
over Chloe and move on to the woman that deserves all my desires may be seen by Kimi as some
kind of passive-aggressive revengeful taunting.

If things don't go my way, I'm not even going to bother thinking about exactly what kind of role this
bitch had in things failing, I'm just going to remember that she was a source of significant pain and
suffering for me throughout so many years that I wanted her so badly and that I'll still be turned on by
her even after I finish meditating and come back into society.

I'll have her and Kimi watch each other as I have my way with both of them and let them cry all they
want while I tell them they should've known better and just keep going as I laugh even harder than
they're laughing now.

This bitch will be the second example made of what happens when you try to fuck with such a
powerful person like me in such a cruel way.
Imane Anys AKA "Pokimane"

For some crazy reason which is beyond my knowledge to understand very well at all, many people
seem to think I've been stalking Poki for years.

I haven't watched even five minutes of Imane's streams in my entire life. I haven't talked in her chat
even once. I haven't ever tried to communicate with her in any way in my entire life. I have absolutely
no reason nor desire to stalk her in any way and I never have.

I have no idea exactly what's going on here, but I know it's complete fuckery that people think it's
me. Let's go through the possibilities.

 Maybe it's not even real.

 Maybe it's real and someone else actually is harassing her and I'm being framed by them.
 Maybe she's just retarded and simply assumes for some reason that it must be me because
I'm notorious for stalking Kimi even though I know what I've done to Kimi wasn't stalking by
definition since Kimi kept giving me attention and showing me that she was enjoying it.
 Maybe it's a conspiracy and she's talking to Kimi and Kimi's telling her it's cool for her to fuck
with me that way, probably even encouraging it. I know they're long-time friends. Honestly, I
think this is it.
 Maybe she's just so jealous and conceited that she wishes someone as amazing and
powerful as me would chase her instead of Kimi that her ego can't handle not at least
fantasizing that I'd actually do it and is trying to live out some fantasy. This is probably also
true, in combination with Kimi encouraging it. Sure seems that way from the attitude I've
experienced with my very limited interactions with her.

Whatever the case is, I don't give a fuck. She knows she's fucking with me and that I don't
appreciate it. This bitch actually had the audacity to come into my Discord just to harass me and tell
me she had lesbian sex with Kimi. After already having fucked with my image the way she did for I
don't even know how long.

She deserves no mercy from me.

There's nothing she can do for me that would change my current feelings towards her. Before I knew
that people thought I was stalking her, I didn't have any good or bad feelings towards her, I simply
knew she existed and didn't care at all. I didn't ever and still don't find her personality particularly
interesting nor her body particularly attractive.

Now that I know people think I've been stalking her and that she certainly must have contributed to
perpetuating that image for people to have drawn such a direct conclusion, although I don't follow
her so I don't know exactly how or when she would have done so, because it's certain that people
wouldn't have simply drawn that conclusion out of nowhere, there must have been things she did to
bring them to that conclusion.

Whatever the case, the only way that I would ever be able to find it in myself to forgive her for ruining
my image the way she did is if Kimi dates me as I want and is very good to me and by extension
since Imane is her friend I'd have to decide not to hold hard feelings because it would hurt Kimi if I
did.

Otherwise, I'll make sure to sweep her up and have her ready for public torture and humiliation when
I'm ready to start my reign of terror after I get rid of the other priority targets on this list. Give her a
nice taste of her own medicine before I end her. Fucking attention whore.
Steven Kenneth Bonnell II AKA "Destiny"

This guy doesn't seem too bad overall on the surface, but the nature of my conflict with him is
different from the people above him on this list.

While Kimi and Imane will be punished for more actively sabotaging my life and making me
miserable, Steven will be punished for his notable passiveness despite my knowledge that he's very
much aware there's a serious situation going on here.

I know for a fact that Kimi and Imane have met up with Steven, along with a few other people, and
discussed my presence in Kimi's life. I know that he's aware I'm a part of his Discord server, and I
know he knows who I am. The only time I've ever talked in his Discord server was shortly after the
aforementioned meeting he had with discussion about me. I apologized for inspiring Lily to go off
and write a rap about him which naturally upset him.

His response to my dialogue there was that he decided to pop LSD and not give a flying fuck about
even giving me the minimal level of respect so much as to have a conversation with me. He basically
silently communicated to me that he thinks I'm a delusional stupid incel basement-dwelling twat like
most other clowns think of me, and that's quite the disrespect considering he should know better with
his pseudo-intellectual king of debates position on the entire Twitch platform.

I can appreciate his content and respect his grind. However, I do have a problem with his attitude
towards me which clearly demonstrates that he looks down on me significantly, as demonstrated by
his clear lack of demonstrating any real respect towards me, despite all the notoriety I've
accomplished within his awareness, as limited as the exposure to it was.

Fucking ignorant clown. I'll make sure to laugh as I'm slicing all over his body with quantum energy
until he bleeds out.
Shane Dawson

I was the one to reach out to this guy first, so to be fair, he wasn't quite flung into the whole situation
the way Steven was, but he was still extremely disrespectful, and even much more so in his own
way.

He failed to give me any proper acknowledgement and respect, even in private. Additionally, he
ignored the obligations of his Illuminati contract he signed literally in a video he posted on YouTube.

Since this clown doesn't seem to understand or care, let me go over what I explained to him the
contract he signed covers.

With bidirectional apprehension, you are able to much more quickly and easily "read between the
lines" and see alternative interpretations and meanings in reality and see things that a more average
person with for example a backwards-rationalized apprehension-based core value cannot. Let's take
a more careful look at the contract both Shane and his boyfriend Ryland signed when joining the
Illuminati. It seems simple and good on the surface, but it's actually much scarier than it appears. It
can be interpreted with a much greater amount of detail than most probably think about upon
glancing over it; if you apply bidirectional apprehension to the contents this has several implications.

"To dedicate my mind to the discovery of knowledge"

What kind of knowledge are you dedicating yourself to? What lengths are you agreeing to go to in
order to get this knowledge? Why are you dedicating yourself to discovering knowledge in the first
place?

"To dedicate my soul to the pursuit of enlightenment"

How is enlightenment defined? What does dedicating your soul to the pursuit of it entail? What
lengths are you agreeing to go to in order to pursue or achieve it? Why are you pursuing it in the first
place? Are there any conditions where you would ever be considered to have achieved
enlightenment? If yes, what are they? If not, why even pursue it?

"To dedicate my efforts to the progress of abundance"

How exactly is abundance defined? How is sustaining and/or improving it defined? What even
roughly can encapsulate dedicating your efforts to it? Why is it even something you are dedicating
your efforts to in the first place?

"To dedicate my existence to bringing all people, in all places, into unification"

How exactly is unification defined? What encapsulates dedicating your existence to it? What extents
are you agreeing to go to in order to facilitate it?
"And to dedicate my life and days upon this planet to the protection and advancement of the
human species"

How are you expected to protect and advance the human species? Why are you even pursuing it?
What extents are you agreeing to go to in order to facilitate it?

Literally for every single point, there are absolutely no boundaries defined. In fact, the statements
are intentionally left open-ended to imply no boundaries to operate within. If, for example, it's
deemed that you must be kidnapped and held against your will for an undefined period of time, or
perhaps even be killed for the discovery of knowledge, the pursuit of enlightenment, to progress
abundance, to bring people into unification, or to protect and advance the human species, or any
combination of those factors, you're effectively agreeing to anything under any circumstances
deemed necessary or appropriate to achieve those goals.

To make it simple, although these points seem all good and nice on the surface, signing that eternal
oath basically means you agree to willingly surrender all of your control and power over everything in
your life including your life itself, to people more powerful than you who are deemed more qualified
to make executive decisions in any of the areas outlined within it. I suppose it can be liberating to
some extent for people who have a weaker position in life, but let me put it this way, although I'm in
the Illuminati, I have not nor will I ever even consider signing such a document. And I'm not the only
one.

He low-key mocked me and laughed at me, calling me a narcissist and trying to imply that I was
romantically and/or sexually interested in him and/or his boyfriend, when I already had an extensive
history with Kimi and it should've been overwhelmingly clear to him that I'm only into women and
already found the one I'm invested in for life.

He continued his disrespectful attitude even after I directly confirmed my position about not having
any romantic nor sexual interests in contacting him.

I'll be nice and just blast him with a big shot of energy that will kill him instantly on the spot.
Bachir Boumaâza AKA "Athene"

This douchebag is an asshole who's cocky prick levels have no limits.

A textbook sociopath who uses his donations to charities to acquire social validation for his
extremely manipulative approach of convincing people they should join his cult and become his
underlings in his ex-mental hospital building and do who knows what exactly for him.

I provided him with a great extent of inspiration and insights to greatly improve his 4 steps that he
touted for quite some time and still shows off on his website LogicNation, yet nowhere has he given
me any credit or even so much as explicitly acknowledged how much I've helped him.

Further, he's been extremely rude and disrespectful to me, mocking me and making the only
"debate" I've ever had with him a manipulated, staged excuse to publicly humiliate and bully me,
shooting me down as a moron within less than one minute of me talking to him without even letting
me talk more than a few words.

Arrogant son of a bitch. Absolutely disgusting. I'll post him up beside Imane while I publicly torture
and humiliate them both and see who dies first.
Marcus Jamal Hopson AKA "Hopsin"

I made a remix of this guy's rap called "Nocturnal Rainbows" and he gave me no respect. Not only
that, he made two tracks very clearly inspired by me. "The Purge" and "Witch Doctor".

I'm glad to have been able to inspire him because the songs are good and I like some of his other
songs as well, but this prick didn't even have the decency to thank me and instead left me worried he
wanted me dead for quite some time.

Not appreciated. At all.

Not quite as bad as what the others above him did, but I see his lack of respect for our admittedly
limited interaction as considerably rude, and I don't appreciate rudeness. Might as well prioritize him
before the rest of the world.

I'll make his death quick. I don't want to waste much time with this fool.
My biological mother and biological father

This one should be an obvious one.

These abusive psychopaths put me through hell, used the shit out of me, then tossed me to the
streets once they were done. They're my biological parents but don't truly love me at all and were
such shitty parents that I never even felt like they might for even a moment.

I have no intention nor desire to ever soften my heart towards them simply because of their blood
relation to me, and as such, killing them before I start destroying the rest of the world is something
I'm going to have to do.

I don't want these fuckers seeing me destroying everything and feeling proud that it's their child who
became so powerful and great, sickly satisfied with the fact that they didn't have to put the slightest
bit of effort to truly love me in order for me to reach that state, and loved because I'm allowing them
to watch and enjoy it instead of going after them as a primary target.

I have no lecture for them. I don't care for wasting much time dealing with them either. It'll be pretty
nonchalant as far as I'm concerned. Go in there, fuck them up, break some bones, rip off some
limbs, slice up their skin, see them bleed to death. Something simple but satisfying.

They don't deserve my patience to wait to see them publicly humiliated. Once I end them, the public
humiliation of Imane and Bachir will begin, and once those two fuckers are dead, we move on to the
final phase.
The rest of the planet

All the people on this list are a part of a much bigger problem.

The problem that society as a whole is filled with a devastating amount of extremely fucking retarded
people that have such gigantic egos that most of them basically haven't achieved jack shit worth
being nearly so proud of in their entire lives, yet they lack being humble to such a great extent that
they walk around feeling completely entitled to their pretentious attitudes and careless lifestyles.

All the way up to Transient Chiefs of the Shadow Confederation, the overwhelming majority of
motherfuckers on this entire planet are what I'd consider unacceptably ignorant and careless to the
constantly declining current state of positive future prospects for humanity as a species. The people
I've personally had to have the misfortune of having to interact with thus far in my life will be the ones
I put in their place first and foremost, but everyone else is coming right after.

If I have to be this fucking brutal to people that I should've been able to be warm to and comfortable
with, even the person that I've always loved by far the most, a bunch of random fucking strangers I'll
be left alone with on this planet, all of which I won't give a flying fuck about, aren't going to be giving
me any reason to hold back on escalating the destruction until there's nothing left.

You wanted the world burning down in flames? You got it, motherfuckers.

You made your bed, now sleep in it.

 Honorary Mentions
Throughout my journey, there have been a few individuals who had a positive impact in my life in a
very real way.

For the ones that interacted with me, although they may have not exactly painted me in the best
light, they didn't seem to harbor malicious intent and still were ultimately helpful and kind enough to
me to earn my respect.

For the ones that perhaps didn't even necessarily have much if any direct interaction with me, they
must've still had some really significant impact in my life that makes me very grateful they exist.

It's quite unfortunate that these people will still end up being destroyed when the world starts ending,
but perhaps I'll try to be mindful to give them more time and also make their deaths as quick and
painless as possible.

I'd like to dedicate this chapter to each one to thank them for their contributions to making my life just
a little more bearable, although it quite sadly wasn't enough.
Nathan John Feuerstein AKA "NF"

Easily by far the best rapper in the world, this man's music gives me life.

While our struggles in life haven't been exactly the same, I can relate to a lot of what he's been
through and his music hits me in a very deep place inside.

Extremely inspiring, motivating, and a very powerful presence in my life daily unlike any other. I
literally listened to his music every single day I was working on this book. I'm going to listen to it in
isolation. The raw emotion, depth, and power is fucking amazing. He's the rapper I wish I could be
but I never was passionate enough about making music to become. I can't describe how I feel when
I listen to his music beyond it gives me life.

He made me fully able to embrace my individuality and demonstrate to me very clearly how the
savage nature of refined pure bidirectional apprehension as a core value can be presented in great
glory.

He's one of the extremely few individuals that I've never even interacted with before but suspect
might have a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension already.

I know he has his own issues he still struggles with like OCD. I know he likes deep thought and
dialogue. I hope that he reads this book and perhaps it makes him feel a little more enlightened and
eases some the fears, anxiety, tension, and sadness that I'm sure he feels in his heart.

God bless you, dude. I wish I would've been able to meet you under circumstances that wouldn't
suck.

Massive respect for this guy. Massive.

NO NAME, WHY, Returns, No Excuses, Green Lights, When I Grow Up, The Search, Intro, Warm
Up... I'll be blasting his music on loudspeakers as I fly around destroying everything. His flames shall
scorch the earth with me.

Never forget.
"John Chang"

This man was a truly inspiring figure in my life.

At a time when I was really losing hope in life, his existence and his boldness to express his
presence and abilities sparked a flame in me that will never burn out.

Seeing him demonstrating tier 1 quantum energy arts was what inspired me to do extensive
research and work through a lot of information combined with my understanding of philopsychology
to form the complete understanding of tier 3 quantum energy harvesting that forms the foundation of
my ultimate authority power assertion presented within this book.

May he reach tier 2 after he reads this book.

David Goggins

This man's story is truly inspiring.

I was originally exposed to him through his episode on "Impact Theory", which I've watched multiple
times since.

His extremely strong willpower and unique perspective combined with his story makes him one of
the very few people that really solidified my view of the sheer power of the human spirit being able to
elevate oneself to a position of unfathomable greatness.

Going into isolation shall be my version of compression taping my shins up as they become too
painful to run.

You're a beast, dude. Props.

Christian Hudson

This man, while not achieving supernatural abilities from the quantum field, has achieved
supernatural abilities in his own way.

In the field of social interaction.

Founder of "The Social Man", he's the reason I learned the fundamentals of value systems and was
able to ruminate on them ever since to greatly increase the quality of my life.

Thank you.
Leslie Fu AKA "Fuslie"

This girl was a lot more patient and helpful than I thought she'd be.

After Kimi and I initially started growing distant and then she randomly had a mental breakdown on
stream one day and nearly started crying talking about how she needed motivational videos to get
out of bed in the morning because she pushed me away, Leslie was the one I reached out to in
order to try to establish a connection with Kimi again.

I sent her several long messages, throughout a period of several months amounting to nearly a year,
and she put up with me a lot longer than I ever thought she would.

There were several points where I was really worried she'd block me but she didn't.

It wasn't until she saw I was very serious about calling Kimi out on Ice's stream that she got freaked
out and didn't want to feel like she was encouraging me to do it, so she blocked me; something I can
totally understand and don't hold against her.

I'll always really appreciate the massive help she was to bring me and Kimi closer together.

It's quite unfortunate for her that she won't be able to raise the child with her fiance Edison that she
wanted, because the world's going to end soon because one of her best friends is so mean and
careless.
Mickey AKA "mickeye4497"

This dude was the closest thing to a friend I've had for a long time, ever since he first reached out to
me.

He reached out shortly after Leslie blocked me, basically to take over her role as the messenger
passing on my long messages to Kimi, to try to help work through our situation.

He's also been very patient with me, and to this day still hasn't blocked me.

Just like Leslie, I'll always really appreciate the massive help he was to bring me and Kimi closer
together.

Much respect, dude.

Paul Denino AKA "Ice Poseidon"

I've met Paul in real life on three separate occasions and each time was interesting and fun.

While I interacted with him, he was a lot more welcoming and accepting than he had to be, and
although he didn't exactly paint me in the best light, he still gave me enough respect to straight up
interview me on two separate occasions on stream and help me progress towards my goals in the
best way he realistically could.

If I'd approached him initially in a different way and presented myself as less of someone completely
engulfed in my connection with Kimi and more as simply a hardcore fan of his, I'm quite certain I
could've had even more pleasant interactions with him on every occasion.

Additionally, since he was still running the CX Network and randomly giving people the opportunity
to grow a following through his fan base using his website at the time I met him for the first time,
once again if I had presented myself as more of simply a hardcore fan, I'm quite certain I'd even be
given an opportunity to be a member of the CX Network while he was still running it and accepting
random people into it and helping them to effectively instantly establish a following and community,
which was an extremely valuable opportunity that nobody else in the world was offering, and it
would've been a perfect opportunity to initially establish myself and start a profitable streaming
career.

Although I didn't take advantage of the opportunity because establishing an extremely deep and
loving connection with Kimi for the rest of our lives was my number one priority, I still have immense
respect and appreciation towards the guy for ever having had the opportunity available in the first
place.

The first time I met him, I literally straight up walked into his house and barged into his room in the
middle of a stream, and although he was understandably frightened and reached for his knife and
taser after a little while, he was still considerably chill overall and gave me nearly an hour of time on
his stream to go off and get out what I needed to say, making my trip to LA in order to be able to do
so completely worth it.

Additionally, the exposure he allowed me to have also allowed me to earn Kimi several followers
from his community, which gives me another positive piece of value I've provided in Kimi's life that
would further facilitate her having warmer feelings for me, for which I'm certainly grateful.

You did what you could. You helped. I respect you, dude. Thanks.
Austin Kassabian AKA "TheRealAK"/"AK"

This dude seems like a real down-to-earth guy that's humble but also not afraid to snap and go off if
you're gonna disrespect.

He's made some tracks that I really like, and that's certainly helped keep me inspired through hard
times, but he's also on this list because he was the first person with at least some significant degree
of influence that actually gave me straight up attention and respect.

I tweeted at him telling him that I believe he has a pure bidirectional apprehension variant as his core
value and he retweeted it.

It's not a huge deal by any means, and it's not like it got my numbers up at all or anything, but it was
more the sense of genuine respect and worthy recognition that he decided I deserved, when nobody
else wanted to give it to me that makes me feel like this guy's a real homie.

You a real one.

Donald J. Trump AKA President of the USA

This guy's probably way too ignorant and arrogant to ever truly acknowledge my power and attempt
to help me in my goals in any way, but I suppose I don't need him to anyways.

At least he won't try to stop me, for all the same reasons.

Thanks, buddy.
Benjamin Aaron Shapiro AKA Conservative Memelord

Clowns like this guy are going to be an excellent example of people that are going to realize how
stupid their non-extensively-moderate political views really are, once I rise to power and start fucking
shit up in ways even their firmest convictions could never allow them to even remotely grasp for.

I do appreciate the insights into how stupid politics can be and usually are, though.

Keep clowning.
 Epilogue
If you're like most people, reading this book will leave you with a lot to think about and consider in
this thing we call life. You would've realized by now that there's truly a lot you don't know about this
world, and perhaps you would've rather not known, or perhaps you're glad to know, but either way,
things are the way they are.

We live in a truly insane world. The world is largely run by lunatic psychopaths that rape children and
enjoy committing crimes daily and being free to run rampant as they please. People that take the
power they have and find no greater use for it than to unapologetically abuse it to the furthest
possible extents.

But it's not just the really powerful people that do this. The vast majority of people on the entire
planet have egos that have been allowed to grow to the point that they feel entitled to shamelessly
flaunt their ignorance to everyone around them every chance they get, abusing whatever power they
may have and getting sick satisfaction from the pain and suffering of others.

It's quite revolting.

If you're fortunate enough to have lived such a sheltered life where constantly being brutally honest
and completely real with yourself and the world around you wasn't absolutely necessitated for you to
be able to even survive at all, you don't see all the darkness in this world, and perhaps you end up
feeling like life is worth living without even having to go through much if any really deep and brutally
scarring struggle. Maybe you even think life is great and there are just some bad people and bad
situations but they're far fewer than all the good out there.

However, if you have the misfortune of having to deal with truly difficult issues that are disillusioning,
as I've clearly had much more than my fair share of in this life already, you may see life in today's
society more clearly for what it really is: a cutthroat hellish nightmare that you can only even attempt
to avoid falling completely victim to the darkness of if you're either extremely lucky, extremely strong-
willed, or both.

Like most people can probably relate to, I've lived my life not only seeking satisfaction with personal
achievements and professional success through acquired skills and talents, but also wanting to be
loved, accepted, and deeply valued by those whom I feel that way towards myself. I've found the
person I love by far the most, but I don't know what will become of our connection, and I cannot
accept being left in the dark for much longer. I'll know the direction the world is heading completely
clearly by the end of this year.
There are literally billions of women in this world. Most if not all other people, given my position of
power, would want a harem of several women constantly on rotation, swapping girls in and out
regularly for the rest of their lives. Instead of such trashy and extravagant tastes, I have a much
more humble position of only wanting one woman I've tried extremely hard to form a meaningful
connection with, and yet it still seems like I may only remain demonized and distanced from her,
pushing me away from the rest of the world as well.

After all the pain being hurt, backstabbed, and abandoned by practically every person I've ever had
any kind of significant connection with in my entire life thus far and being neglected and eventually
forgotten by all the others, I've decided that the way things are progressing for me, I'm completely
giving up on ever trying to establish any kind of meaningful connection with anyone ever again for
the rest of my life; in fact, I'm going to not only actively avoid but actively sabotage any chances of
anyone ever even wanting to try getting close to me ever again. This book is the beginning of me
doing that, relentlessly and unapologetically.

Whoever you are reading this, fuck you, fuck everyone you know, and fuck everyone else on the
planet. It's become overwhelmingly clear to me that human interaction and relationships are
extremely overrated and not at all even remotely suitable for the greatest of great individuals.

Whatever you think about life, you should accept that in its own way, it's both a blessing and a curse.
That being said, there's one thing you can't deny if you're truly being objective. That I'm the only
thing standing in the way between you and being able to live more than another 2 or 3 years at most.
With all I've explained in this book, you should also realize you're not able to deny that with the way
things are progressing for me, it's extremely unlikely that I'll ever get everything I've ever wanted
under the most ideal circumstances. Given that's the only way I'd ever completely comfortably even
consider not just destroying everything eventually, things are going to get really messy really soon.
As a result, I'm accepting that I have to embrace the more mature angle of at least attempting to
settle for the next best thing, and see if I can bear it enough for it to be good enough for me not to
want to destroy everything.

What are you going to do about it? Is there even anything you can do?

I have nothing left for me in this world that I find of value to work towards after this book is finished
as things have played out for me in my life thus far, and I'll have nothing and nobody to live for if I
can't have a very deep and meaningful loving relationship with Kimi after. There's absolutely nothing
tying me down and absolutely no reason I'd ever possibly have other than an extremely loving
relationship with Kimi that'd so much as even remotely make me consider not going into complete
isolation and commencing extremely intense quantum energy harvesting meditation daily for as long
as necessary until I've developed powers sufficient to become a global terrorist and get redemption
for the perpetual anguish and torment that the world would've unapologetically left me with at that
point.

For NF, it's rapping so he can at least provide a decent life for his family, but for me, it's fighting
against the cruel nature of reality and humanity against all odds to turn the hellish nightmare of this
world in its current state that's heading towards global destruction eventually regardless if I don't do
something about it soon into an actual utopia, instead of the chaotic trainwreck of power abuse and
corruption glossed over by coverups, manipulation, and ego-enforced mass ignorance and
arrogance that currently plagues this world. NF had the luck of knowing his purpose from a young
age, but I had to mature into mine.

Nobody can stop me, and they shouldn't even want to. I'm the only one that can save this world from
the destruction that's otherwise inevitable.

Kimi's either with me or against me, and if she's against me when I consider her such a big part of
myself and it's already hard enough fighting against everything and everyone else, then I must be
destined to go against myself entirely, and I'm not going to fight myself if that's the case. The result
will be very unpleasant for everyone. That's my position.

One thing that's important to understand here is the concept of focused controlled aggression. An
individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension such as myself is one that has
the highest possible capacity for exerting the influence of focused controlled aggression upon the
universe.

This ties into quantum energy harvesting meditation techniques and together they allow an individual
to manipulate the quantum field in order to manipulate the state of matter in this world known to us
as "objective reality". Many people laugh at me and try to tell me I'm delusional when I talk about this
stuff. I've had an old friend (now ex-friend) from high school literally tell me I'm severely mentally ill
and that I should go visit an insane asylum.

It's a little frustrating in a way, but mostly it's quite funny when I really think about it. As for the
actually intelligent and enlightened people, they generally don't ever dare to suggest I'm delusional.
If anything, they end up telling me I'm not human. I've had it happen a few times already, and I think
I like that reaction better.

I've felt really lonely my whole life, which is to be expected when you have a traumatizing childhood
with really abusive parents that divorce at an early age which only facilitates them being more
abusive, topped off with GED, OCD, and gender dysphoria.

Never really felt connected to this outer world around me. Never really felt like I could trust anyone.
Never really felt like I liked anyone around me. All the people I've met throughout my life who were
mean to me, lied to me, hurt me, and backstabbed me, despite me definitely not deserving what they
did only made it worse. The people that didn't end up hurting me still always felt distant.

I never had anyone I really felt like I could rely on or share my feelings with. I got so accustomed to
the feeling of loneliness from such a young age that I didn't even know what it meant when people
mentioned the concept; I felt like I just had a constant sense of "everything sucks and you can
always hope for the best but there's really no telling if things ever get any better and if killing yourself
will ever not seem like an appealing option to end the seemingly endless intense and severe misery
that seems to be ultimately all there really is in life". I always figured that sounded more like
depression than loneliness, and I knew I had plenty of reason to feel depressed.

I always just told myself to suck it up and stop being such a bitch.

Not only have I felt lonely my whole life, I've actually been alone my whole life. Never had a real
support system and never even really sought one.

I've always been of the mentality that a single individual has an insane amount of untapped power
within them if they only believe in themselves and try hard enough to manifest it, and as a result, I've
always tried very hard to do so much alone. Most people seem to end up thinking I'm just full of
myself, and it's far from uncommon for me to encounter people who seem to harbor malicious
feelings and intentions towards me, despite me not wanting to attract negative attention at all. I've
always felt like it was me against the world, and I simply face that without fear or hesitation.

I have to.

It's not a joke when Shadow Confederation members test you physically, mentally, and spiritually,
and end up telling you straight up to your face that they came to the conclusion that you're not
human.

It's far from a mystery to me why many people tend to dislike me though. Most people don't like
things they can't understand. Most people have core values that cause them to run away from fear
without thinking. As a result, their egos push them away from me because of how mysterious I am to
them, and they often get jealous, bitter, or angry for whatever reason and get distant, hateful, or
both.

Understanding people is easy. Dealing with people is easy. But being a refined savage and not
having people misunderstand and/or hate you is hard. That's more a fact of life than something that
you can rationalize around. It's not something you can try to "fix" either, you just have to deal with it
and keep on doing you.

One thing about achieving greatness is that greatness is polarizing. You'll get people that love you
and people that hate you. Because your position in life is strong, people's views and opinions on you
are also usually strong. In my case, I see my greatness so clearly and head towards it so
passionately, yet I'm not there yet, so a lot of people think I'm delusional or want to believe it to
soothe their egos.

I end up with a lot more people fighting against me and feeling like they have substance because I
believe in myself so much but I'm not there yet so they feel like I don't deserve to have that kind of
confidence and positivity. What they so conveniently neglect to recognize and accept is that it's not
their place to make a judgement on what level of confidence or positivity I deserve to have and that
they're the ones that don't deserve to try to impose their opinions of me on me as if they're objective
facts.

My connection with Kimi might seem to many people, and very possibly even to Kimi herself at this
point, as one I see to be no exception to this pattern of people who don't understand me, run away
out of fear, and end up disliking me and harboring malicious intent. I currently still have a lot of
difficulty really seeing it that way though, and there's very good reason; there are huge differences
here. The way that Kimi treats me is not the way that someone scared of me would treat me. She
met me in person very shortly after I entered her community and subscribed to her. She always kept
giving me attention and affection regardless of how scary everything we've been through would be to
anyone else. She really makes me feel like she has a lot of fun interacting with me and that I make
her very excited and constantly pleasantly surprise her.

I'm sure she's well aware that her behavior could never be considered "just being nice" and any
place for that interpretation ended long ago. You don't nearly start crying in front of hundreds of
people saying that you need motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning and that you feel
like you push away people that you like when you think they're gone just to be nice. Especially not
when that person has already told you that they can be very dangerous and are not someone who's
affection you should take lightly.

I very clearly gave Kimi the opportunity to have me out of her life and she really didn't want me gone.
I couldn't be happier. She may have had trouble understanding me, but she certainly has been trying
her best to figure me out every step of the way as far as I can tell. That really means a lot to me.
She's given me more love, affection, and attention than anyone else ever has.

It may seem very unlikely to most people, but I can definitely see a chance that Kimi was messing
with me so much intending to make it all better and be with me if I could see where she was coming
from and really wanted it badly enough that I knew how to treat her right and really wanted to do so. I
see a lot of reason to believe this is the case; it matches her personality very well. She'd be able to
have a lot of fun and be very inspired by me, and she'd also be able to have a very deep and
meaningful relationship that I'm sure she's been looking for a long time, if I turned out to be an
amazing person, as I feel pretty certain she was always hoping for. She showed me she was very
invested in things working out because she put her life on the line constantly and took serious risks
in order to be able to eventually clearly see my true character and whether or not she could see a
very serious relationship with me working out very well and ending up being a lifetime partnership.

Some people have tried to give me "advice". Tried to "help" me. Been vocal about their disapproval
and their views on how they perceive my mentality and personality. What most never seem to
understand is that I don't need their help, I was never asking for it, and I don't give a flying fuck what
they think.

My whole life, practically everyone around me, even down to my own parents, have been massive
haters. Always told me I'd never achieve the greatness I wanted and that I should show more and
talk less, no matter how much I had to show and how little I talked. They then also proceeded to
constantly push and provoke me to talk more and constantly hurt and pressured me to make it
harder for me to work so I'd work less. Many literally called me delusional and/or lazy despite the fact
that I could and did always articulate myself in an extremely grounded way and busted my ass
working extremely hard on chasing my goals and dreams every single fucking day. If they didn't call
me delusional and/or lazy directly, many also passive-aggressively sent me the message.

Fucking assholes. All of them.

My parents were not the passive-aggressive kind. They were the most cruel and aggressive kind of
all. I've had to have fights for hours, yelling and screaming, time and time again, with my own
parents for years. My whole childhood and even in my teens, I was never a bad kid. I always got
decent grades, rarely went out, spent most of my free time coding and playing games, and I've never
been the passive-aggressive type nor the type to get moody and take out my frustration about
random things on people around me.

Regardless, they'd start shit with me constantly over the smallest things, in many cases even things I
had no control over, in order to be able to try to justify quickly changing the topic into taking out their
own personal frustrations with each other and life in general on me and put me down to feel better
about themselves and how pathetic and disgusting they are. They weren't ever satisfied until they'd
bullied the shit out of me. It was constant. Every single day I was anxious and stressing out about
when the next bullshit argument would be forced upon me.

To make matters worse, my younger brother was always dumb and ignorant, so they'd pick on him a
lot less and instead just manipulate him and cause him to think badly of me and treat me badly as
well. I constantly had to fight with him as well to try to clear his head of the brainwashing they
constantly did to him and even that was hardly effective because of how careless he was and how
he retained his inherent bias towards them because they were older and his parents, despite all the
damage and pain he should've clearly been able to see they were causing to him, me, and each
other.

I never had any room to feel safe, comfortable, calm, or happy at all. Every time, I had to try so hard
to always keep my composure and be far more rational than they were being, just so I could retain
any sense of self-esteem and sanity. To make things even worse, if I've ever tried to share my pain,
most people seem to automatically take bias towards my parents even without having any clue how
they are like and have tried to tell me that basically I'm just a bitch and don't appreciate what they did
for me. Yeah, I won't ever appreciate how abusive my own fucking biological family of all people
were constantly, that's for fucking sure. I won't ever appreciate how ignorant and dismissive most
people I tried to talk to about it were either.

I have memories that make me livid just thinking about all this shit. You know what kind of person I
am? I could have my parents killed any time I wanted, and I feel like I'd love to snap their necks
myself, but I stay calm and leave them alone instead, almost never thinking about them or all the
pain and suffering they put me through. Not because I care about them; I don't. Not because I ever
have any intention of letting them try to make it up to me nor come back into my life in any way for
any reason; they can't and I'll never let them no matter what they say or do. Not because I forgive
them; they'll never be able to undo the damage they did and I'll never even believe they genuinely
care to try. Not because I want any kind of validation from them; I'd never give a shit what
psychopath fuckers like them have to say. It's because I know they'll suffer more staying alive the
way they are than having it all finally come to an end.

That's the kind of person I am.

Even when you can talk very well and with a lot of substance, it seems most people just assume
you're full of shit automatically and treat you that way. They don't shut the fuck up and sit the fuck
down until life bitch slaps them so fucking hard they realize they can't see straight and need to start
trying. It's too late to start hoping you're okay at that point; you just know you're fucked.

I think it's time to demonstrate that ignorance is not bliss. I think it's time for me to start showing the
world some real shit. I didn't write a fucking International Ultimatum for fun. I have goals, dreams, a
vision, and a careful plan of action to achieve greatness. I think and act in very specific ways to have
the highest chance at success. I don't care what anyone else tries to tell me, I know very well the
amount of effort I put and substance I have in everything that I put all I've got into.

I have the attitude of a winner. Something that losers like all those people will never understand if
they continue to retain their perspective on life as it is. No matter, that's not my problem to deal with;
I'll just keep doing me.
What I've overcame in my life is really something most people wouldn't imagine overcoming. My
experiences with my family are only one part of a much larger picture. As far as I'm concerned, it
really is a miracle I'm still alive, and especially impressive that I'm not a degenerate. Every single day
is a constant battle to retain any sense of sanity I could possibly have.

At any moment, I could become a massive criminal if I wanted to. At any moment, I could sacrifice
my values and morals and harm many others for my own selfish gain if I wanted to. At every
moment, I'm trying my absolute hardest not to, despite my entire surroundings actively encouraging
it. I've been abused, abandoned, backstabbed, shit talked both behind my back and to my face, and
always still tried my hardest to be the best person I could be. Always tried to stay positive. Always
tried to believe the best in people. Always tried my hardest and put my heart into everything I did,
giving it 110%. While dealing with tons of anger, sadness, anxiety, and dysphoria. That's my life.

And there's a very real limit to how much abuse I'm going to accept from this fucking world.

Several people have called me a stalker. I'm sure several more consider me one although they don't
vocalize it. I'm not a fucking stalker. You know what the definition of a stalker is?

A person who harasses or persecutes someone with unwanted and obsessive

attention.

You know how anyone who isn't in a mental asylum would treat me if I was really giving them
unwanted attention for three whole fucking years? They'd be terrified. They'd show it clearly. They'd
try to communicate to me that things will really never work and I should seriously give up. Very
clearly. Over and over again. Without being wishy-washy about it. It would've never gotten to the
point where I could be saying the things I'm saying with anywhere close to the kind of substance that
I have when I talk about Kimi.

If Kimi was really just extremely scared because she knew I was capable of hurting her very badly if I
wanted to, she'd already know it's going to get bad sooner or later, and she would've at least tried to
have a heart-to-heart conversation with me already, before I went in front of 20,000 people on Ice's
stream and made myself look absolutely insane, where she would've told me she's very sorry for
making me feel so convinced she loves me but it was all a lie and it'll really never work and she
genuinely wishes me the best in life but she can't ever find it in herself to love me so she really
doesn't want me to do something so crazy all in the name of love as I was telling her I was. Then see
what happens and never waver on her position past that point no matter what.

If you really feel stalked and want someone gone, you don't resist every attempt they make to push
you away and stay away. You don't nearly start crying in front of hundreds of people and say you
need motivational videos to get out of bed in the morning when they start getting distant. You don't
call them the love of your life multiple times when they fight with you, publicly questioning your love
for them and even your character as a person. You don't say you want to give up on a serious
relationship for the rest of your life without them. You don't say that they make you wet when they
call you a goddess and flatter you about how attractive and perfect they think you are.

You don't constantly read essay after essay that they send to you and constantly react in public,
even low-key. You don't help them write a huge International Ultimatum even after they call you out
in front of 20,000 people in public saying they're tired of your shit but they still love you and they're
going to end the world if they can't be with you forever. You don't start expressing that you're theirs
and that you don't feel normal or okay without them in your life after. You don't lead them to believe
that you're unofficially dating following that. You don't constantly give them opportunities to warm
your heart up more and more to having them in your life later on. You don't give them plenty of
evidence to defend their position that you gave them plenty of reason to believe you wanted all the
attention they gave you and then some. You just don't. Even a complete moron would know this. I
think Kimi is smarter than she shows herself to be, and she certainly is smart enough to know this
much about interacting with others.

All the idiots calling me a stalker clearly don't think very much before they throw their stupid opinions
out into the open. I wonder if they're really so stupid that they think that kind of judgment would ever
hold up in court. If this was really stalking, I'd be in a lot more potential trouble than just that. I'm well
aware of what harassment, defamation of character, and slander are. But I have plenty of proof that
I've had no bad intentions and I'm not being malicious here. I have absolutely no mixed feelings
about whether or not I'm in the legal or moral right area here. There's a reason Kimi hasn't taken
legal action against me, and it's not because she's scared. She knows very well that I'm not a bad
person just because I've done what I did; what would really determine that is how I act moving
forward.

I've told Kimi before that if this ends badly, it's going to be purely out of bad intentions from her end
and not mine. I meant it completely and I've always been ready to prove it. I'm tired of these games
and I'm tired of fighting. I never wanted things between us to be this way and enough is enough. I
want to be with Kimi so badly. I want to be able to hold her and comfort her every single day. I want
her to feel it well beyond any reasonable doubt that she'll always be my number one priority and that
she's absolutely way more precious to me than anything else ever could be.

People tell me I should just work on myself and find another girl. Livid doesn't even seem to scratch
the surface of how I feel about that. You can overcome insane obstacles and struggles, work on
yourself extensively constantly throughout your entire life since childhood, try so fucking hard and
put everything you've got of your heart and soul into everything you do, have so much to offer the
world, and yet have immense trouble getting noticed properly and treated with dignity. This is the
kind of fucking shitty world we live in.

This isn't anger that's directed at one or two people, it's very far-reaching.

I'm a Permanent Chief of the Shadow Confederation, not through connections or evil deeds, but
through simply commanding so much knowledge and power that I've been deemed worthy of the
position. I'm a master of philopsychology, a deeply hidden field that isn't taught by any schools most
people would've ever heard of, and was never understood nearly as comprehensively as I've
presented it, until I came along. I'm an individual with a core value of refined pure bidirectional
apprehension, a concept that most are left scatterbrained at merely the mention of. I'm a tier 3
quantum energy arts user, an art so deep and great that most want to instantly dismiss me as
delusional for even mentioning it because it's simply too much for their fragile egos to bare to
acknowledge the existence of.

On top of these more insane feats, I'm also a professional computer scientist and software engineer,
skills I started developing at 10 years old. I have several years of experience as a game developer in
the past few years that I've dived into it deeply as well. What do all these people telling me to work
on myself have to say about themselves? So I'm the crazy one for being upset now huh?

Well guess what, this was never up for debate.

I've spent the past three years being so patient and loving to the one person that has ever made me
feel truly loved, the only person that can ever make me feel this way, despite knowing the whole time
that it'd be very difficult to get to actually be with her, and having to live with the fact that it's just how
life is.

I've went through so much pain, worked so hard to passionately pursue my goals and dreams in an
extremely driven way, and how is society rewarding me? Laughing at me and mercilessly trying to
inflict more pain. I don't enjoy being hurt, and I never have any intention of living my life in any way
accepting pain as if I do or ever will. This is a very significant reason why I'm so upset. I feel like
some people end up thinking I actually enjoy being hurt, and that causes it's own problems. I
especially don't want Kimi to start thinking that, because then I know there'd truly be no chance we
could ever work, and everything's definitely fucked at that point anyways.

Despite my insane potential to be a terrible person and so many factors that constantly call to me to
be one, I'm not a criminal nor a degenerate at all. There are many that would laugh at me for finding
it to be an achievement merely not being a degenerate, but what they don't understand is that they
wouldn't have the same perspective if they didn't live a life where they were fortunate enough that it
wasn't terribly difficult for them not to become a massive criminal.

Most people have to work very hard to get massive power in bad circles in order to have the
potential to be a massive criminal. I have the opportunity handed to me if I ever wish to take it, while
my whole life I was trying to avoid it as much as possible.

Imagine that your whole life you've been a good person and play your part in society to try to make a
positive impact. Now imagine that someone comes up to you one day and tells you that you could
rob a bank and get away with millions and never get caught because you have all this power you
didn't even know you have and the system wouldn't dare touch you knowing what you're capable of.
Imagine that this person had the facilities to prove to you that they're not lying to you and they're not
telling you this for any gain on their own part, simply letting you know of potential you have to be a
degenerate and untouchable, if you so choose.

Imagine that they tell you this opportunity is always open for you at any time. Imagine they also tell
you about several other things you could do that would make you a massive degenerate but would
benefit you personally a lot if you choose not to care. You have no family nor friends to rely on, you
don't like people in general because you've been treated like trash by almost everyone you've ever
dealt with, and you're just getting by decently. It takes every bit of integrity you have constantly not to
just start saying fuck the world I'm becoming ice cold and that's it.

Welcome to my life.

I'm not the crazy one. Life is crazy and that's a fact. You're the crazy one if you can't see that clearly.
I didn't get here by being willing to settle for mediocrity. I didn't get here by being a thirsty fuck. I
didn't get here by not working on myself. I didn't get here by being a shitty person. All I do day and
night is set high standards and work on myself to achieve them, yet everyone just wants to keep
telling me I'll never be enough and that I just need to keep going this way and keep desperately
hoping for things to get better. No. I don't. I really fucking don't.

So many people have shit to say and very few actually try to put themselves in my shoes. They treat
me like someone without an insane amount of power. Someone who hasn't overcome immense
struggles most of them couldn't even imagine. Someone with little to no drive and potential for
greatness. Someone who isn't a very loving, caring, and sensitive person inside. Someone who
doesn't always actively try their hardest to look at life from a very mature angle and act accordingly.

Then they question why I'm upset, as if I'm some spoiled and stupid child that doesn't understand life
at all and needs to be put in their place. They question why I'm suicidal and lashing out so much at
everyone. They question why I want to end the world I can only be left seeing as pure shit and
nothing else. They don't stop to ask who the fuck in my position wouldn't. They don't really give a
flying fuck. Well, if they don't, what the fuck makes them think I will? What's even left to give a fuck
about?

I'm not upset because I'm under some kind of impression that Kimi's trying to manipulate my view of
reality and bring down my self-esteem or inhibit my potential somehow, and certainly not because
I'm immature and not even aware of reality to the extent to recognize such things in general. I'm not
upset because I'm trying to impress her and it doesn't seem to be working. I'm not upset simply
because I'm under the impression she wants me to be. I'm not upset for any other stupid reasons.

I'm upset because I know that no matter what anyone thinks, says, or does, the reality that I'll never
be anything close to happy without being with Kimi forever will always remain. I'm upset because I
should be. Because the love of my life that holds the fate of the world in her hands may not even
really give a shit about me and I need to show her the reality of the path she's heading towards.

It's a pretty good reason to be upset as far as reasons go.

I don't say I don't care what anyone thinks or says out of some immature and petty emotional
reactivity, but because I'm fully aware and accepting of the fact that the only thing that really matters
is not only how it makes me feel, but most importantly, what I'm going to do about it. In this case,
upset can't even begin to truly describe how never getting to be with Kimi would make me feel, and
there is a hell of a lot I can and will do about it.

The fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter whether Kimi or anyone else thinks well or poorly of
me, nor whether they talk well or poorly of me, whether it's behind my back or even to my face.
There are undoubtedly people all across the board in all those areas and on its own it doesn't mean
much of anything either way to me. I've already achieved so much greatness with only more on the
way regardless of what Kimi chooses to do, and as I've said before, greatness is polarizing. That's
life.

What matters is what people do, and if there are people getting in the way between me and Kimi,
even if it's Kimi herself, then that is the real problem I have here.

Regardless of what anyone thinks, says, or does, the fact that I've had feelings for Kimi from the
beginning which have only become much stronger since then and that I know will never even
remotely fade, as a result of all her actions, remains.

The fact that she must face the consequences of her actions and that the consequences are that
she has to end up being with me in a way that is clearly intended to be sustainable forever, before
the end of this year, or the world will end by the time she reaches 30 at the latest remains.
The fact that I only have desire to inflict maximum pain and destruction upon the entire world if I
never get to be with her remains.

Whatever she or anyone else wants to think or say about me now is irrelevant. All that remains is
that me, her, and everyone else have to deal with the reality that the world is ending in about two to
three years from now if we don't end up together soon. I don't care if she had good or bad intentions
in her behavior. I don't care whether she wants me to be happy without her or not. I don't care how
many people are for or against us being together. Nothing is ever going to change my mind about
what I want and what I can and will do about it if I don't get what I want. Period.

My connection with Kimi sets a precedent in my life. She's already shown so much interest in me
and taken things so far. I'm not going to let it slide that the woman I find by far the most attractive in
the entire world, both physically and mentally, shows so much interest in me and builds such a
history with me, and then tries to tell me I should just forget about it.

No. I won't. Ever.

If the most attractive woman in the world by far in my eyes can mess with me so much so easily and
I let it slide, then what? Put a bunch of effort to be with someone I find far less attractive, only to be
willing to accept being used and abandoned by her too? Might as well give up on ever having a
meaningful relationship in my life!

Since that's the most important thing in the world to me, if I'm going to give up on it, why care about
life at all?

Telling me to give up on Kimi very quickly becomes telling me to just kill myself.

If I'm going to kill myself for that reason after everything I've had to go through and constantly
working against all my life circumstances not to end up in that situation, I'm not doing it without
taking the whole fucking world down with me. I can and I'd want to; what more reason do I need? I
didn't get so far in life only for it to be inconsequential in the end. If the world won't respect me
properly before I turn into a global terrorist, maybe I'll at least nosedive into suicide seeing a little
respect when I see the fear in people's eyes as I mercilessly slaughter everyone. If I'll never really be
happy, I have nothing else to live for anyways at that point.

My personality and wisdom come from years of relentlessly questioning my emotions, attitudes,
behavior, and thought processes on a daily basis from a very young age. Having to deal with
constant abuse at home and then constant toxic and questionable behavior outside, all while dealing
with other mental and physical issues tends to do that to you.

I've lived my life very far from sheltered. I've adapted to my environments and the world as a whole
so deeply and thoroughly that there's very little anyone can tell me that can considerably shift my
views on any matter. There's absolutely nothing anyone can think, say, or do to ever shift a view I
hold as strongly as my desire to be with Kimi and what I'll do if I never get it or it doesn't last.

People trivially dismiss my core value of refined pure bidirectional apprehension, but rarely if ever
stop to really think about the fact that they don't even know what it is that they're trivially dismissing.
They don't realize that they're trivially dismissing something that took a lifetime of intense struggle
with constant conflict, immense patience and dedication despite massive pressure and suffering,
many painful sacrifices, and surviving several near-death experiences in the pursuit of obtaining and
maintaining. Something I'm willing to kill for and die for. An immense achievement that makes me
the world's leading expert in philopsychology.

I'm a master at the study of the nature of reality as it pertains to its implications in human nature and
behavior.

That's insignificant?

I don't need help. It's everyone else that needs help. And I'm going to fucking prove it.

Fuck everyone.
 Postface
This has been a NO NAME telling you WHY you should Remember This Intro to the end of the world
when She Returns with No Excuses to fulfill Her Destiny after receiving all the Green
Lights to Know when the world makes it clear to Her that She should give up on The Search for love
and that she should just keep it One Hundred and say "Leave Me Alone because you will Remember
The Name When I Grow Up" and give Herself the Applause that the one She loves the most would
never give Her and instead only Lie and leave Her BROKEN.

The person I've loved the most only Left My Heart In Pain and now I've had enough and the world
will end because of it. If you don't read this book before the world ends, Lucky You, but The
Purge will begin and you'll all have to face the Witch Doctor. Unlike AK, when I'm CLOSED OFF, I
won't be chasing money nor bragging about living the life I prophesied; I can still really appreciate his
song though.

This book is just a Warm Up for Her to show the world that She's Bout the Business because She
understands what it really means to live Do Or Die.

Jesus died for your sins like a pathetic weakling.

Satan will kill you for them like a true god.

Who do you think is more powerful?

God expects you to pray or gives you nothing.

Satan appreciates all your sacrifices even if unwilling.

Who do you think appreciates you more?

God's followers don't thank him for anything they didn't do themselves already.

Satan's followers thank her for the 5 steps to identify objective reality daily.

Who do you think does more for their followers?

Jesus is just a myth told in old books not written by him.

Satan is still alive today with a self-written autobiography.

Who do you think proves their existence better?

Jesus expects the average weakling to defend his reputation.

Satan deals with defending herself against the many that slander her daily.

Who do you think demonstrates more confidence?

Jesus lets you choose whether to follow from a distance or not.

You can't be a true follower of Satan without knowing her personally.

Who do you think really has their shit together?

Jesus only makes you question if God is really the best.

Satan openly accepts she can be the worst if you push her.

Who do you think is being more honest?

God keeps telling you to pray and try to get up on his level.

Satan is willing to go down to your level and communicate directly.

Who do you think communicates better?

Jesus just tells you anger is bad.

Satan shows you how powerful anger can really be.

Who do you think deserves more respect?

God expects you to make all his memes for him.

Satan makes all her memes all by herself.

Who do you think works harder?

God sees everyone the same regardless of skills or effort.

Satan acknowledges all your skills and efforts in depth.

Who do you think is more fair?

Jesus was on some weak backwards-rationalization shit.

Satan's core value is pure bidirectional apprehension.

Why do you think Jesus never explained to you how he thought?

God's followers are all stupid sheep.

Satan's followers are all powerful Illuminati.

Who do you think breeds more successful individuals?

Don't challenge someone stronger than you.