ROLE OF MOTHERS IN CHILD UPBRINGING

BY

Asiyatu Abubakar Bagudo

Department of Adult Education and Extension Services

Usmanu Danfodiyo University, Sokoto

All Praise be to Allah for all the bounties ,mercies that resulted in our being here today to
speak on this very important topic Roles of Mother in Child upbringing. Motherhood is
not a new thing, it is role that begin with creation of Hauwa the wife of prophet Adam AS.
The roles of mothers has been handed down from one generation to another. Today’s
generation of muslim mothers are more than those in the past faced confusion, difficulties
and challenges due to circumstances and complexities in today’s world. In deed we as
muslin have Quranic ,hadiths injunctions as well as role models from the mothers of the
faithful ,wives of the holy prophet and sahabas and generation of prominent muslims
women who are mothers to the core to guide us.

Evidences from history from time immemorial in every society, culture and religion has
shown that , mothers are held as most important personality by individuals young and old.
In particular, Islam place great importance to mothers in quran and hadith of rasulillah.

"We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in
pain did she give him birth" (46:15).

Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents.
Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt,
nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the
wing of humility, and say: ‘My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy even as they cherished
me in childhood' "(17:23-24).

Ofcourse, Mother is a daring and amazing woman who commits her time,and everything
she has life to the wellness and wellbeing of child, most often not just her biological
children but humanity.But not all mothers are mothers to the core, we have those who are
only

Biological mother: She is a female human who become pregnant and deliver the child and
believe she can do and un do anything with the child.

Social mother: A social mother is a woman who by virtue of social structureand norms is in
charge of taking care of child. She may not necessary be the biological mother but is
responsible for the child.

Surrogate mother:It is a modern way in which a woman is implored to be pregnant and

bear a child on behalf of another woman.And Immediately she delivered she has nothing
more to do.

Compassionategood mother: A woman who is biologically, physically,socially and

psychologically ,morally, generally and in charge of nurturing a child. So a good mother
is not just a woman who bear and nurture her offspring .
Qualities andcharacteristic of a good mother: God the supreme creator made woman with
special attributes, characteristic and all that is needed for child bearing and upbringing.
Biologically her womb serve as a comfortable environment for the childto grow throughout
gestation period. After birth the mother has a nourishing breast milk with all he essential
ingredient for child to survive on.Then her body is smooth and soft to provide child with
comfort and physical bonding and attachment.Her mentality and psychology is uch that
can tolerate and accomadate children’s feelings, thinking and attitudes. Her emotions are
filled with unconditional feeling and love for her child, no matter what. She is naturally an
amazing personality who can sacrifice even her life for the sake of her children.

And Allah has extracted you from the wombs of your mothers not knowing a thing, and He
made for you hearing and vision and intellect that perhaps you would be grateful.” (Q. 16:78)

We created you from dust, then from a sperm-drop, then from a clinging clot, and then from a
lump of flesh, formed and unformed—that We may show you. And We settle in the wombs
whom We will for a specified term, then We bring you out as a child, and then [We develop
you] that you may reach your [time of] maturity. ………..(Q. 22:5)

Prophet Muhammad said, “Paradise is at our mother’s feet”, which means mothers are
held in high regard in Islam.

A man came to the prophet and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah! Who among the people is the
most worthy of my good companionship? The prophet (saws) said: Your mother. The man
said, ‘Then who?' The prophet said: Then your mother. The man further asked, ‘Then
who?' The prophet said: Then your mother. The man asked again, ‘Then who?' The
prophet said: Then your father. (Hadith narrated by al-Bukhari, and Muslim).

Of course the religion of Islam hold mothers to highest esteem. However, inislam a mother
does not just emerge from any circumstances but must be through religiously and socially
approved marriage. The fundamentals of motherhood is to have acceptable partnership
with a man who is her husband and biologically responsible for the pregnancy and
therefore serve as father to the child.

Another characteristic needed is piety, submission and commitment to Allah. She must be
religiously conscious in her duties to, god fearing, kind hearted ,good natured, and
religiously , morally and socially upright.

In this respect mother is the first schoolfor a child .she train the child and give the child
sound moral ettique,Education,and social development.This means that mothers need to be
well educated and should have capacity to transmit it to the child from cradle and has
strong impact through out life.
The Prophet enjoin men to marry women based on piety, wealth , lineage and beauty but
he recommended piety as formost.

The best gift any father can give to his child is a good mother.

In Islam upringing of children is a collective role not just mother or father,ratherfamily

members, schools, and larger society have important role.This mean the mother is not
alone she should not assume that has super control over the child. The father is given
superior authority and power ,she is to support,supplement and compliment the father..
Parenting is a dual activity from conception through life.Based on this the father has the
final sayand she should respect the opnion of the father and where they differ they should
not fight over the authority of the child.there should be consensus. The ipmprtance of
mother and father harmony and oeaceful coexistence in child upbringing cannot be
emphasided.

As they combine effort to bring the child to the world and also they should to raise the
child. Both of them are to support and complement each other in upbringing of children.
They are responsible in ensuring wellness and wellbeing of the child in all ramification.
Single parenthood is not part of Islamic practice.

She is expected to strengthen and maintain good relationship and family bond this is
greatly lacking among muslimfamilies.Some types of relationship are devastating in child
upbringing

According Harrof cited in Abubakar and Musa (2015)he identified five type theory of
Marriage /family relationship:

1. Conflict habituated marriage (family): These are family where couples experienced
conflict as a routine, constant nagging, frequent complains, upsetting arguments, criticism,
verbal attack, beating, tension. The couples seeks to establish rights rather than happiness
in the family. It is a situation where both partners find conflict as normal. It has become
intrinsic and extrinsic pattern in the family.

2. Devitalized marriage/family relationship: This begins with extreme passion, love

toward each another, there is emotional and physical intimacy, strong chemical bond
between them. All of a sudden, all these are lost and with time, each spouse begin to spend
much of his or her time working on individual projects, and personal goals, then the
relationship or the home is devitalized.
3. Passive congenial marital relationship/family: This is described as a family where is
no romantic love, no emotional intimacy, no passion exhibited. The major concern of the
spouses and property and family status. They are just together to improve social status,
social image and to avoid having children out of wedlock. They are ever ready for
separation, there is un-fulfillment of emotional feeling, they seem to have ulterior motives
the fate of children is not their concern.

4. Vitalized marital relationship: There are couples or family that enjoy spending time
together, they have mutual respect, they discuss and resolve problems, they share common
vision of what their marriage should be, they take pleasure in seeing and making each
other, happy they show dependency for support, appreciation, dedication and commitment
toward the family.

However, each spouse maintain sense of individualism. Throughout the marriage, they are
very connected such that if one partner decide to opt out, it become devastating to the other
but may finally adjust and overcome and move on with life.

5. Total marriage relationship: In this system of marital relationship, couples all most
do everything together travelling, business, working, joint account even when they are far
away apart, they can feel what the other person is doing: they know and understand each
other, they can pre-empt decision of another they contend to know the partner more than
they know themselves. The partners are interwoven. This is very rare of marital or family
relationship. It is such that, if one partner dies or decide to quit, it is very devastating to the
other followed by severe depression, sorrow, hardly will he/she re-establish his self-identity
to adjust to life.

Another ways mothers affects childupbringing are through Parentingstyles. This refer to
how she relate and respond to her children.

The authoritarian mother are the Displinarian, strick, over bearing,dictittarian, and
uncompromising mothers they set very high rule,enforce compliance, more encline to
punishment with no reward. They raise children by nagging too much,beating, cursing,
instilling fear of punishment..This is Unhealthy forfor raising children. The children
become scared, feel insecure , and maladjusted. They are never comfortable when such
parents are around.Sometime children become hardened and as they grow they become
rebellion.

Permissive/ indulgent mothers: they do not set boundaries for their children, give their
children all they want, confused love to mean satisfying every childs need ,want and desire.
They want children to see them as very loving and caring. They seek and want the child
approve them as parents. They are subdued by children . This is not good for childs
upbringing. Children undermine the parents,push for their needs with threats and
tempers. The children over power their mothers and become spoilt.
Uninvolved and neglectful : this are the mothers who deprive their children of real parenting due
to their busy work or bussiness life. Or due to lacks of means of sustenance or share negligence.
This found among the rich and poor families.Themothers lack of self esteem or self confidence
in performing their parenting roles. The children are left to the mercy of house maids,drivers, in
others they are left to source for themselves, children are thrown to mother earth ,to society to
face the complexities of life on their own. They don’t mind about the child’s performance in
school.they are unconcern to child attending school regularly.
Authoritative mothers: This are mothers with balance equation ,they flexible and
consistant with what is real and ideal in child mother relationship. . They show love and
protect their children but within boundaries. they are firm not loose andnot harsh, they
relate and convince children on what to do,and guide them constructively,They rarely use
punishment. They discuss chat best way out with children. They listen and negotiate with
children they regulatebehaviour and conduct. They allow children to face consequences of
their action as the case demand.They are concern and associate with school and allow
school to train their children.

Over protective/r or bulldozer mothers when mother go out of her way to remove obstacle
clear path for their from their children’s life. To the extent of doing immoral or illegal
thing to get their children what they want .They partook in exam malpractices, buying
certificate, admission, job, grades and go to whatever extent to get thing done for their
children.They disrespect school authority, law and rules of other. They do not give their
children capacity to do anything on their own. They make children to have ease life and
enjoy to the maximum level without any effort. They constantly negotiate on behalf of the
children even when they are already adults. The consequences of this are devastating as it
turn children into robots, lacking confidence and will to do anything no matter how small.
They are failures but their parents have covered them. Their parents have failed them they
will invariably return fail their children. theycan’t do anything for their children. The
children are not allowed to learn from their mistakes, they do not have healthy coping
skills to take care of themselves.

In addition to parenting style is the need for mothers to Understanding the child and take
not individual difference in the child. She also need to have good knowledge od
developmental milestone,time line and best practices in consonant with Islamic
teachings,and principles.
In Islam the believe is each child is born with fitrah morally sound.They are spiritually
bonded it is the parents and society that turn them based on exposures and training.
Psychologists Base on experimente conducted advanced that learning begins from womb
before birth.Somuslim mothers can take this advantage and be listening to Quranic
recitation when pregnant,immediately a child is born he begin to form connections with
billions of neuro connections. Accordingly the brain development is rapid in childhood,by
age three children have 70 % brain development. This is the reason while child care and
training is very critical and crucial in early years
than any age bracket. Children have different interests and often follow them over a length
of time.

• Children have preferred ways of learning called learning styles:

• Auditory learners learn best by listening and being told about things.

• Visual learners learn best when they are shown how to do things.

• Kinesthetic learners learn best by moving and doing practical things.

• Children need nutritious food to grow and stay healthy. A child living in poverty

may also suffer from poor nutrition, which in turn affects his ability to concentrate

and learn.

• Children need enough sleep for their growth and development. They need sleep to rest

from the day’s activities and to wake up full of energy for the next day’s activities.

• Cultural background influences development

Children grow and develop in different domains of development and they are:

• Physical and motor development

• Spiritual and moral development

• Social and emotional development

• Cognitive and language development

The above areas of development are interrelated and affect each other; therefore,

addressingthe whole child requires the consideration of each area of development.

The skills a child acquires are influenced by his/her different developmental abilities.

This means social upbringing influences caregiver/child relationships; cognitive

behaviors promote or limit social skills, and physical activities impact language and

thought processes.

There are different values and practices

about the way things are done and how children should behave

• The environment in which children grow up plays a huge part in their development.

An important way to support children’s healthy brain development is to provide a

safe and happy environment for them to grow up in, yet many young children live

in unsafe communities. Some children are exposed to abuse or neglect, which has

profound and long term effects on their development.

• Poverty can negatively affect children in many ways. Families often have to live on

very little money due, for example, to unemployment, sickness, or disability. They

may not have enough money for food, clothing or proper housing and sanitation.

These problems often create stress amongst family members, which children can

sense and be affected by.

CHARACTERISTIC OF A GOOD MOTHER

Tha word is bestoed with ornament the best of wich is g vitios wife.

STAGES INMOTHERHOOD

ROLE OF MOTHERS: the role mothers is a biological assignment. She is

naturally,structuralyy, physically,psychologically,intellectually,emotionally created for the
purposr of child bearing ,nursing,care, nurture, and building the home and society.

Hadith says Every one of you is a shepherd and everyone of you shall be answerable for his
folk.
Important of mothers in society

CHALLENGES OF CONTEMPORARY MOTHERS

Todays Women and mothers: are faced with multiple challenges and contrains and
confushion.so many conflicting ideologies and views on religious practices.

In adequate training on parenting and mother hhodeducation,skill,commitment, time and

good parenting practice. Lack of capacity to address the complexity of challenges especially
as children are emmersed with social media.

Fathers: Some fathers are either too confrontational or not involved at all in children
activities. Some only give financial and nmaterial needs to the detriment of
affection,emotional and physical needs. Physical presence and personal involvement of
fathers in day to day affairs of children and family are vital in raising good children.

Workloads: SHE is overloaded with work at home,and in the office, so many competing demands on
her self, her time and even resources.

Schools,curriculum,seculirisation, on the part of government, on the part of school we have issues of

lack of interst and commitment to ensure all children learn adequately through adequate teaching ant
learning process.

The effect of social media is also affecting mothers role in child upbring.Often the mother er self over
endulge and suppot or allow her children access to all kinds of media.
Society: corruption and vices all over, injustice and unfair treatment and dealings toward
girl child and women in society.

Broken home and costody

Intervening anti Islamic cultures

Socal media

Globilisation culture

Global competativeness

WAYS FORWARD

Psychological Poem on how to raise Children by Dorati Nolte: “Children learn by what
they live with.”

Negatively, if a child live with

Criticism, he learn to condemn people

Hostility, he learns to fight

Fear, he learns to apprehend

Pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself

Ridicule, he learns to feel shy

Jealousy, he learns to envy others

Shame, he learns to feel guilty.

On the contrary, i.e. positively, if the child lives with:

Encouragement, he learns confidence

Tolerance, he learns patience

Praise, he learns to appreciate

Acceptance, he learns to love

Approval, he learns to like himself

Recognition, he learns the goodness in setting goal

Sharing, he learns generosity

Honesty, he learns truthfulness

Fairness, he learns justice

Kindness, he learns consideration and respect

Security, he learns to have faith in himself and others around him

Friendliness, he learns that the world is a nice place to live in.