. The,. MEMOIR Guardian Why on earth didI goon Mastermind? - Marina Abramo coachN°7 UK’S 1* CLINICALLY PROVEN achat) Perfect Ss ERUM er with ground breaking, age defying results” Serum Available atCONTENTS 12.02.22 ISSUE N curries CULTURE LIFESTYLE, ne 5.36 eae 39.71 | magn 75-102 —— —— Smareshot ‘Makepeoplelaugh then | Theglamslippersguide Fred MacGregor North tellthemterbletraths! How indoor shoes Yorkshire sorter snap Canartsyprovoesteur goto) Marina Aramovie et) Pe cutitasaselehep gu? can wipe myself ne lind date ‘ofthe ivernett Did Lote love Time Cocakhan ark the Podcasts 4s om experts the big questions Cullaraipresriion..49 | ThmDowling >My wite'sideaofahot indatVeub ticket? Atp tothe damp SoCent (Slow: fomrp | rt startoscreen mogul Yoube the judge vegetarians housemate what tdothiswek..52 | Keeps cooking meat Visual are 4 | ren Down therabbithole oat inthe ow of Be ir Flashback Happy Mondays’ Ber revisits is wld youth nena i — psy fete Ea = —— peed i — a i eee ol ee ieee zeae ee — Edith Pritchett A week in Venn diagrams i Boris Pitta i Johnson bread i Won't be going to Full of hot air Trying to recycle . the pub then when grilled an old idea ‘src cma frm tine mange fares ence scares Print YM harry Wake "he Guarin |120222 | SATURDAY | 3A gift in your Will can power research for years to come In your lifetime you've witnessed the greatest Pe Mae ot e c What you once considered science fiction is Ce Despite all those great leaps forward, so many eee areas res But you can help us change that, by leaving a Pee cde corer aie Rel Marella remo ota cel OL Search 'BHF Future Cift' A Gift in your Will could power the scientific breakthroughs that will continue to help save eee crane kee on Re before, like 3D printed hearts and stem cell ere cee ee cre ag Will to turn science fiction into reality, helping to ensure a legacy of progress for future generations. 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He wasalo one of ‘th revenge porn. remove information about tel spent the Waterson supernatural suvivrseries Lost. Criminal eovietions. Google argued Andthatisonthe up.tworrythat.if peopled right toler The id Policeareoverwhelmedanditstoo | fisagred foroneof the claimant, Expensivetonirelawyers revenge becsetherconvicllon was nolonger pomvillbecomethenew normal. relovantto thoi Lostinthe couch “wouldnt say youalways need, “Lost co-creator Abrams made is film directing debut with the lawyer. Many pornstes have Ditferent from Axl Rose's 2016.aseto third ound of tom Cruise's Mission: Impossible sere, itself asimple process otake down ‘Stop Google sting fat picture at 2 Knot reboot Buck in 2004, shorty before Cruise jumped on fonrconsensualcontentAnd there's | Me Maybe thats why igh-prtle Opca’s couch, hestareed niche! Mannsexcellent ita nationalevengepornbelplin._ peoplearentdoingit more? thle Collateral, alongside Jamie Fox (ho ater dated Katie ‘TheUS doesn't have anequivalent av. 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Mustration: Timo Ruder The Guardian | 12022 | SATURDAY 17 echCUTTINGS Flashback The Happy Mondays dancer/percussionist recreates an old photo and recalls his wild youth Inveriew: Harrie ibsone Mainporeai Pal Hansen 19 This was taken in Cuba. Itwaslikea warzone ackBerry, better patcusionstfor nde dance group She ttappy Nondays te wasbornin 1964 intelton and his mother was anausllary nurse apd his father a chiefinspectorintheant-terronst, Squad. Bee served three yearsin detention centre fora robber he Committ the ago Wilh "Happy Mondaysand ae lack Grape, hetoured the worldasa pioneer of {he bsdchester scene. Today, Beis ‘nove for hs pelitial endeavours~ Realty partyand stood as MP ofsalford-2e well hisworkasan ewvironmentalstand campaigner. sons from previous relationships fd ver in Hereford with ince HeiscompetinginDancingon eon TV, andisan ambassador for homeless charity CoffedCrae ‘Thiwas taken in Cuba. The US Immigration authorities had kicked Black Grape out for smoking weed } | before agg One minute we were Sitingin Central Pak aking in thesmote witha beautiful view ofthe twin towers-the next we were Surrounded by police. ound the ‘whole hing quite funny. westagain-we were one ofthe Sis planes andingin the country find twastikewalkingthrugh war zone. Everything waserumbling it rata ight old state. Bt ales ‘would cook you meal in etur for {bitof money intheend we were banned from Amerie, othe press had to come to Cuba to interviews ‘themselves in fear of what might hhappentothem, bur everyone in Cuba wassolovely tous. One omy favourite memoresissiting atthe back one of Hemingway'avourte Graven motos and bit eigars, Rwasunbellevabe 1 wasalways drawn o rebeion but welled at school Theft time gotin proper trouble was when Tvasfive, One morning my mum On your breakst sehool you've got tobuy a packet of risp- and nothing se” gottothe onto the queve atthe tuck shop and said tothe and give her the mene. She sid Taide have enough or the crisps tnd tried to give me something else. Tt No, Ive got toby crisps She ried taking them off me S01 her hand. tn defence, twas 2 genuine mistake. Murn tld me tobuy the crisps ‘Dad asc inspector when 1 wasa id, Becauseol that was, constantly reblingagainst futhority- which sno bad thing, realy twas ahs part of my, psyche rowingup: my dad'ssince my character Atthe peak my ‘rebellion, dime in detention antes and borstals my parents ekes!me ot sola ving the street ad getting inal sorts of ‘rouble Host my teeth at 618 ‘motrbike crash. wasn't wearing S helmet and wa spitting ot ‘rumblingbitsof oth for months tomy bran, thankfully, buts pretended lostmy memory when thepoticecame,soldidnthavero Decades later ost my faleteeth tclasonbury. Aer not leeping for days 1woke up inthetent, ‘tarving, awa doughs and too Shgebite had been therefor ages By thetime was about, decided dit want to geteaught “pin thesor of sit was doing gan, so thought thebes ting Teoulddowastohavea hv venture and go traveling tved {Morocoforabitand wae shoplifting justo survives pinching batsof chocolate [gotchasedcutof town andhadt hideina eave for three weeks until the money Pa been ‘waiting for arrived You create your ‘own realty, and travelling created ‘one that completly changed my 1 was mostly homeless ans turing when | oned Happy Mondays Ivasthe right place at te rght time, ‘vith them for he fete, was at {he Hacienda in December 985 and Thad notime to prepare shaua Ryder wanted me p there -Tsid no at rst brat theze was bit of banter Between ‘sand fended up jumping stage ‘within. picked upa pal af maracas fn shook them sohardt ended uppartoraure fothese vente 2022 Tma grandad now - my wild days are out of my systemSee EVER Book your FREE hearing check today Visit bootshearingcare.com or call 0345 026 7392” _ HearingcareCUTTINGS Josie, 31-is pro-choice and describes her stance as ‘your pussy, your rules’ Dining + Spt tine across the = eenayitarnet divide eee mail maleacappeia group Can breaking .°."""" bread bridge — sssiss'sins‘*°"" i rae es political ‘eer feaa ee differences? ‘show inthe 1997 Essex county show Forstarters David ocistive rt woulda say nyhing paral stuck me- Doin, theworkwe do, wespeakwithallsrts people Joss Helooksd exact ike Pil Seve Serebody feed Pl Davidtateprawnsand steak 1 would havebeen reparedto forgo thst ifshewasavepan, butthaniflly hat Interview: Zoe Wits ‘avd Wewerethereforfourandahalt Porat: ny Buckingham our, was amzing Wee buh said wwedloverodotraga, desi Maybe "im very pavieged ve ‘moved through fe witout much fe And, asa woman, youdon face semuch butte kesucha cect satackat pons. ‘Thebigbeet David We got onto the subjectof bation prety quclybeeuse of ay ‘work. 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But would? agrewitthsideathatwe'emean to fimeverything that someone els Sosletsad"iyouereatinghere ‘uth atrans woman, whatpronouns ‘would ouse™ Andhesid"Pduse {he pnouns was born with sal “ha difeence does makst0y0 tebeadaresad™ ‘Takeaways David Wecouldhave gone none. sie el very coaficed abou what, Ssetualy happened. That ight was ‘yinginbed with ny partner elingher allthese things and, atthe end oft she ‘ee person And sad: "Because ‘aid leallwithasmileonbisice™ avid and Josie atte iy Norwich ‘meet sameone am aros the divide? Corothguarlan.comideren viewseo YOU CAN.TASTE WHEN _ IT’S 30-DAY DRY AGED CoML L300 Su Sek ered] WAITROSE & PARTNERSCUTTINGS The actor on leaving his flies undone, warming the bed witha hairdryer, and coveting John Boyega's vital organs O&A Interview Rosanna Greenstreet Bees dian debut in the Madness of King ‘George. ssubsequent movies Include Gosford Pak, Vera Drake, Noteson2 Scandal, The History Boys, ‘The King’s Speech and 917.18 20, he wont liver for his pevformancein After theDance, and fnaozo,hewon second for is rlein ‘Tom Stoppard’ Leopoldstadt. is television workneindes Gavin & ‘Stacey, A Very nglish Scandal and kiling Ev; he plays the led in The (Chelsea Detective, «pew drama on ‘Acorn TV-Heismaried with 0 luldren,andlivesin Hertordshie ‘whatisyour greatest fear? Not dying before my wifeandksds ‘Whatisthe trait youmost deplore Inyourselr? whining Whats the trait youmost deplore inothers? 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IwasupforBond and dat gett. you could edit your past, what ‘would youchange? ‘The fist yarsfschool.1was very “unhappy. was not academic. so played thefoo tl] was 6 ‘when's thelattime you changed {Your mind about something Significant? Most days- Pm quite fay ow oftendoyouhave sex? ‘Every third Thursday 3pm. ‘What would youliketoleave yur children? Supreme s-conhdence and my wie ‘What singe thing would improve the ‘quality ofyourlter Sch Boye’ vital organs. ftcouldn't havethemall, thea just hier ‘Would youratherhave moresex, money fame? Tam good for sex 1M takethecash-1 -nowafair few peopl who could do winsome at themoment. How would youtiketobe remembered? Upright. ‘what happens when we der Quality compos. Tellusajoke what happened tthe pudaing thet? 2s Hle was taken into custard. Tellusaseeret ‘Through the winter before wetuck up nigh always warm thebed with Shader,LIBERTY. 2for1 from £129 With single-vi lenses to the same prescription SpecsaversCUTTINGS Experience Lfound a tiny frog in my salad - now he's my friend ‘Astoldt Deborah Linton Ast Iwasobsessed with ‘and my mother grew up with menagerie of enimal, so neither ‘ranted them home. and anima books fr birthdays. Chad ‘Tamagotchi dita pet anda massive Ccllection of titled animals and Beanie Babies [as alvays looking livinginbos Angele, with my partes, Shor and ourthreechihuahe, Chariots, tena Scre, Tulsa, pulled ahalf-eatenbox of romalnelettue out o the tga to prepares salad, Ilockedatiny tee trac colourof the leaves 1 as fmazedbut concerned, He waes0 {ald feared he'd goneinto stasis Thad node ow to kee thistle andasked foradvice. My phone blew up twas contacted by ome petty Knowdgable people Tsearched Goesls oo waste freeing and Tooesd toset himautsie, sot pierced holes inthelettuce bx put thetog ack lnand sprayed bi mith rmieralied wate Ladd some eaves and drinking water and closed the i continued doctmenting bis life on"Fwiter and elle bm Tony. Seemed tut him y bedtime, thousands of people were invested ‘oblivious tothe fact that tre frogs are otorouseccapearits. Tony had Poked his way througha hleand was soalocaltologis advised keep him indoorunt then, Iheaded ts store nd bought him wax worms teat, nd Icalled him Tom seemed tosuit him. He's mischievous and precious Tony the tree 09 tastmonth [debated permanent solution, making them smile, even cy Their Tuppinessbew meaway. makers of ama frog slender Body distinctive white line and loose skin under his neck although Tcouldnt werk outage, ‘As hrstnas Eve approached, he Shower polled Twitter asking ‘whether should keep hr. 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How has it shaped her?— ELEVATE YOUR PLATE — WITH THE GREATEST GRAINS & FINEST FLAVOURSWAS YOUNG THEFIRST TIME watched porn. 1didnthavehipsorenjoyeatngolves. >My parents sil paid my phone bill and Pd {ellabout somes Imetonmy fay blday toSpain.;wason thesehoal paying ele Iunehtimeandaboy emmy formeameover and put his Sony Ericson ser phone ight inmyice-Onthesereencouldseeablrred ‘Videoarawaman invedsuspenderspleasuring Detself,leting tense breaths hiss ou from behinderteeth. The spacebetweenherlegs twas smooth and hails ike the skin ofan tndshemuathavebeen older. “Tbet you dothis dont you" theboy sal, hiseyeshidden beneath Dopp hi ‘tthe ime didnt think much ebout the vdeo, except wat bit gor tht she was doing that sone ‘There easnoway would havebeleveditafectedme that seeing more mages xe that eventually would Butpornwasaleady shapinghow ,andthemen would Inter sharerelabonships with, viewed my body. twas Implementingacodeorbehaviourwewoulddrawand Iearaftom iwatelingsehatsexeensenthe ony vwayemereeduatedaboutiinschoolwasviacondes (nbananasandpotas of untreated gonorroes, BACK INTHE D005, ainngaccesstopornwasstil ‘quitediicultfor teenagers. Notmanyefushadphones tfoteculdconnecttotheintemeteowatchinglemeant ‘waltinguntl your parents wereoutoralep,whenyou (ould stin front othe desktop computer still man gedit Ineededtobeeauseeveryenewhoshouldhave beentelingmeaboutsexwestooembaraseate, Anal srastgongtelearnonthesb:overeandtoomany Tovar stares abou toothy blowjbe ante tolearatobelie thosemalcal impressive bodies rememberbeingstressedsboutwhathappened between missionary. eapleand doggy becauseso many ‘deoscutoutwhenpeoplechanged postion iwanted Tovatchthoseiddengaps. Wasteumsyandaward, Megettingoutofacarina short dres?Doyousay with your vice where you want the other person tof? Or hold the wee only be ase to say tings such at "Don'stop and Harder” Many saythe best people tahavesexuithatethosewithasenseofhumot who Smile when you fanny ft or neatly fall of the bed. Except did see any of tat when watched port Jooked seamless ikeachoreoraped dance. The ony lumsypart was the Dadacing tthe betnning when te maseurwouldasthislenttoiedowmnon thetable Whilethemen saw on sereen didlot of diferent thingstothewomen they slepewith-slaping choking. pulling. gagging -talvayshad the samectfet She ‘rouldarch her back nd moan louder We didnt ead {hisas unealisticor uninsplring because fitted withthe word we were already learning olive with ‘Welaughedattheguysinschol,evenwonthei jokes werenfannyspentourluneh breaks watchingthert ay footal, nowingthatifweattemptedojninit Twouldlokasifweweretyingtoohard. 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Intheabsenceofany other guidelines, my Mendsand {ontinuedtobe nfuencedby what wesa tryingfor somethingmostofus weren'gottingmuchenjoyment ‘tof Porm stars wereld fromthe eyebrons down, ndasweviewed themasthe prototype wecopieg what remember siting on the bathroom tiles aged 7, ‘reathingthoughny mouthinordertoaoid hates sulphur sellin Vet har removaleream. [moved on torsorsuhenthehsinsbecameceareronesthat fv shaving rashes so itchy Toften had to leave class to ‘ious digmynalsinfothelngrownbate eta ‘orgasmic than anything aman was dong me. "But ‘why would you wan tolook ke ach” Mum asked ‘when sheheard abou gris my age giving themselves ‘rasilans justthoughtshe didnt getit kesh didnt set Paramore or dothes from American Apparel ‘Truthfully, 1 didnt give much thought to the performersin these videos and what they might be foingthroughformy entertainment. know ofcouse, thatformanywomenitsimposshletoenoy something ‘tha sso obviously fregroundedin mae pleasure attheexpense ofthe women onscreen. At the time, ‘mainstream feminism seemed to aesoclate almost ‘nythingsexualwithliberation,andanycitismsof pomasprrtanicl wat mote snare ofthe arguments Peopleusedtopatsonise pornstars telingthemthey ‘ould tbeeroying thelr work even asthey sald they ‘were- than wasof the pornstars themselves. Butin {olsanmberofreportemerpedsboutsbuse an pon Sets vied vatchingethicalpom, irectedand med bywomen,butitwas often behind paywall wasnt ‘sed to payingfor pra, sol wouldsty only unl the {feetral ran out. rom what didsee alo of ethical pornlooked thesame tome only instead of naughty hureesonscron,thewomenverearteslers, andthe ‘vasa ier fiteronthevideo. ‘AtuniersttyIgotalaptopanda door withalockon stand then started watching more porn. realised ‘that, with more oft in my Ife, any masturbation ‘unaccompanied by pornmadeitalmostmpossisleto ‘limax Tuned ospendaget dreaming up log, corse Scenatios about teachers telling me oo that guy ‘who smoked aut ofthe window ofthe block of fs ‘opposite. But pornmadeallthateasy:youdidnthave tothinkaallbecassetwasrighttherein{ront oF, screaming yes, es, yes Even fatervards it el 0 ‘withadistasteanyourtongue,lkewhenyou'vecaten Toads ofeiss. When teed masturbate without, ‘yy hand would crampupand all theimagesItredto invent faded ont could se aythingbut blank nes, Sordopen upmy seen aguinandtypein amateur Teansee ow forsome peopeit can begin to eclipse linternalised the idea that if you weren't into hardcore stuff - hair pulled out, bruises from spanking - you were boring in bed. SoT pretended to like them ‘heirwholesexife The dopaminenushfromithitsyou likes Kckintheteeth, Tspoke aot about porn with my peers: especially iy male frends Thnew that one ited glossy videos featuring women with big fake breasts, because he vwantedthescapsmthatamefrom watchingsomeone hoprbably would never sleep with inreallfe.Toften oppor nto converationbecaiel was desperate tobearcelgitinteireyes Someone whodrinksbeer ‘ndplaysvideogames, Andoolgile definitly watched orn Onlylater would} Rndoutthatsomeafthesemen trerequestoningthetrowarelationshipwitpors that they wanted toca down ont “Adin of mine told ne ther exboyftend used towatchpomonhisphone four times ada, mostly thatoletcubceofhisoticebulding Ones, oercoe, she described tome what ex with him was ike," ‘ould only ome none realy specific postion," she ‘sid and then ret demonstrate tome: he would Stand upand shevdbe upside down on her head with herankes ether side of his bead often he'd shush ‘ebecaise heneeded to concentrate cn what be was doing” My fiend claimed she diealy mind ~she stacepted she'd be uncomfortable. Weallearned {opvionise male plessure '’M.26 NOW AND PORN IS EVERYWHERE. Fifteen million UK adults said they watched porn during the pandemic. And while kills of some people's imaginations, tinflames ther, encouraging people tobecomemere experimental intel sex lives Lats ff my friends watch it with thelr partners to help them think ofnew positions; some have discovered their queeress trough tor kinks they had noe shout: You seethisinhow many guys nowadaysare lingo try rimming Intlally seen aguitea abo0 Sonu practic, became popularised through por. ‘Then appers began referencing tin thet is moet notably Megan Thee Stalin's "If he ate my ass esa Bottom feeder” and Jaen Aio's “Gottaeat the boty ke groceries” in Omarlon’s Post to Be) Finally. ‘manifertedinmemes itiseocommon now that hen "eas watching football with eight uy mates, they all said they doitessentially everytime they Ravesex. Tasked the only other gi at the table what she ‘ought "ws qultenicehaving men dosomething.-” Shepoused foramomenthecalseshe coulda" finde ight word. “Something tat rou pleasure” Porn does this tit takes something previously considered niche and shows again and again 8 taainstream context until t becomes normalised, Before, you wanted to see rough sex, you had Search deep intothe comers the internet find it ‘ter Pornnibandother websites leet BDSM ight next to “blowjobs” and “lesbian” and ll the other ‘tepals thismadeltmucheaserto find. Bj teend ‘of unlverity, between this Fifty Shades of Grey and ‘ny own insecurities, hd internalised the idea that if you were into hardeore stuf you were bringin bd. Agu pled my hairand al could tink about ‘was whether any oft had fallen out, Someone elt bruises on my bum from spankingand ldugmy nails Into my Rs Ike do when Fm getting 3 atto0 oF 8 plercingand vant distract myself rom the pai. ‘And throughout both of those experiences, stayed truetothelesonthad larnedalthese yenrsagovhen "Mist watched porn: pretendad ike “This pretonce waspresentinaltof ether aspectsof nnyfeInedded long whenrea tldmebeoutatburs Tad already listened to, acted impressed by films "ought were boring shard tosee what came ist ‘ether pretended ke things nif because Fa Tenmed todo soinbed, or whether learning todo tn bed meant dd so more nif, All knoe that my ete personality wasbultaround wating please 'Sonte of my fitends had worse interactions, where ‘hinge veered ntathenonconsensualHaputhishand round neck” bogana fiend; sbe had beenata >>festival and gone back toa guy'stent. “I waslightat fst sotwasalrghtwithit buthewas doingtsohard Istartedtopane. Whenhe stopped, flight heed” My fiend sa rom alone inthis 1n 201, @ BEC survey und that mvethana irda women under ‘fohave experienced “unwanted slapping, choking. {gging or spitting” during consensual ses lot of people wouldblame thison porn incluingtie Centre for Women’s Justice, which said: “This ikly tobe ‘vette widespreadavaiat, normalisation and ‘use afestrme pornography. Taisagre. Violence against women has aot more todowitha society that emboldens men o postion their desresabove women. Though do think there's femething to say about the way porn blurs many of thenuances sex, expelally when tcomestoraugh sex. Inkink communities, a heavy emphasis is paced tnconsent safe words andno-goes. Most porn videos Showrtheee practices choking, restraining, spanking ‘ithoutshowingseenesotcansent whichis necessary InoidertocnsuretheyYesafeandenjyableforthose partliating Thats fineifa'sa fantasy butt when you'venever been taught tointerpretitas such, [Mv PRIENDS AND GREW UP WITH FORN, but we tit hada couple of yearsof development without fd phones using 4 took ages to load sites, and there Sex is like a packet of Revels, where you love the chocolate counters but hate the coffee ones. Just because they're all in the same packet doesn't mean you'lllike them all ‘were far ewer vides to choose om, But teenagers now ean acces it whenever they want to 182009, ‘esearch commissioned by the British Boardof Film Gasification saw more than bal of tt 3 ear ‘olds admiting to watehing porn ising to 6% of 1u- to year-olds, Sex education hasn't changed ‘much since was growing up, and ina watld hat has become even move digital, eenagorsareatealiskat ‘ecelving entirely wong messaging about porn and Sex Moreandmotethey sem tothinkthat pormssex Shdseris pon and thats confirmed everytime they ‘penuptheir phone and watch t without anyone in School or at home ling them any different. not sagainstporn.butkidsneedtobetoldthatitsafantasy ‘roeton liemade-upseylinesonMadeinChelsea, orashowhome, "hope that futur generations demand moe from thelr sex; that they come of age withan enbanced Sense of what tel and whats Yake, In 2020 the government updated oficial guidanceon relationships {nd sex education forthe fist time in 20 years. Now Compulsory from primary shoo, sexeducaton mist ‘cover consent, abortion and domestic abuse. There's ‘Ssoalatgeportion of gudance onthe evolving digital Cultures of ex and relationship, inctoding sexting {nd porn. It shoulda’ be too hard to improve, zien thts govenmentpuidance cme oe gram Disappointing though pehapspredicably, theres ‘nomentionof pleasure. Thereisalsoconcernoverthe Aexiity ofthe new guidance, Schools are not being, handed curriculum but are being asked to develop thelrownbasedonthegovernmentguldelines which ftefarfiom comprehensive, Topcs tobe covered are Iisted without any information about when er how they should be taught, meaning reluctant schools ‘could getaway ithteachingoneortwoclassesbelore ‘eadingbackothetextbook And iventheoppeaiton to schools teaching sex education in detall- one sex ‘edcator in the US was bombarded bythe pres for ‘fering "martrtation videos fort graders afer Showing a cartoon in which two characters used Snaomiclly correct names fr thet genital = 1s ‘Maly his willbe the pat most aken 'Meacher couldnt have pot there intimeto shield my eyes from what Isawon that phone when Ta ‘but they could haveexplained tome what to think “when Id see tu ike that. Such as: porns el, slbodies ook diferent, very oftenyou ave to show ‘eoplehow to ouch you, and theresa ot oftraland {rerinvolved, Yes, itean leo clumsy when youchange postions, bt noone remembers those its nysay. ‘Tow fw orgasms come that sy That sexisa Che packet evel where youmightlovethechocaate ‘ountersbut hate the coffee favoured ones, and ust ‘because they'reall inthe sae packet doesn't mean soulikethemall Inte sme ny thatyou might Hk {etn ed up by your hands ut hate another form ft bondage. Noto judge a penis by is size becuse Sometimes can have some imperceptible bend In itthat leaves you screaming. How sometimes sx is lazy and slaw and much hte fort That there ate times when you don" think you've going to orgasm and then suddenly you're twitching on the bed ke adil. Then {would have enjoyed porn from an arm'-length distance rather than trying to bring it Intomybedandactitout, ikea ventlloguist'summy. stil watch porn, but don seeitat amanual on how I should behave. Tseeit asa way of getting out fy head after along day, something to make me eaited about sex again when things have stagnated ‘ithe partner ve become more confident a, 253 result, men’s approval seem les pivotal making t ‘asierosay what want, both duringserand outside Teale pleasureis not the only fecus. What Twas, too. Plus, Ihave other waysto lean. Fm ntafrald of embarrassing myself front ofmy gi fiends any mote, s aslo of questions about sex. “Doyo guys still shave everything off asked nec my ieends the oer dy. “Ro, stopped that while go she sald “I want tolook mere wemanty now Recently, Pve been thinking about growing my pubic hair out, but dont even know what colo {hose short, dark spikes would smooth out into. Fm naturally sitawberry Blan, so maybe It would be tinge? Or mousy brown? Yasked another end who trimsand anes hersintoabikinilineandshesent me areferencepetre. And thought abouthow suangeit isthatmeofaraay rom mybody that dont even ow what the natural tate of might look ke ut ‘lindmy wayback @NALLHONESTY, [havenoideawhyl decided ‘ogo on Mastermind ove pub quizes, sue, tnd mgbodat them, Pe-Cavid waspartot ‘ack teamcalledQuilamieSate whoreguaty took home fist pizeinourlocai one. AS team ‘coordinator, [developed areptation for uth esses, brutally ejecting fiends and, on one ‘occasion, my boyfend, thought hey were {ndorpetoring Atunivetsty,.wasplted or ‘ureaige'sUniverstyChalengeteam, though ‘nedicntgtontheshow:tooboring epee. (he produces picked a team o historia re ‘nactrsandarchersfomadiferatcallge) ‘Allo thisstffis what ay when peopeask why \wentantheshow. Buti mbeinghonest,do'tknow ‘whytdidit Ldontknow why tdomostihings. Pan Incredibly impulsive person always have been. To paraphrase Kim Kardashian Wess rep whenasked ‘any she med the sex tape that made er fous because asbored and fete [guess honest, thought twouldbea win-win situation. Nal Mastermind in whieh case Thavelife longbragaingrightssor don't, inwhicheaseTM havea funny story ean wrteabout Here's the funny story. ANOTHER CONFESSION: when Lappy for Master ‘mind havent watched efor years, How hard cant be ihink, withthe breezy optimism of a rookie ouralistthumbinga tint warzone. In late May, fill out an online form and, to my surprise getacallthe following day-Thefstroundis 5 Zoom interview and quis witha friendly Northern Tish eastingresearcher Ofasterminds produced for the BBCby ar Tick Productions, whichhasofcesin belfast) "You dd great hesayswhentcoretiy name Virginia Wools arts sister. (Vanessa Bell) eels ish jolt selFsaistation "The emai comes ough the following day: Well donecn being shorted for thsserls of Mastermind! ‘mtoldthat ard anyone gets picked forthe show, Trivia fanatic Sirin Kale applied for Mastermind to get bragging rights over her pub quiz teammates. ‘Then she found herself sweating in the famous chair. What had she done? ‘which inflates my confidence. “Your scorein the ral ‘vasver impressive" saysaprodueerinacongratula tory phone cal (later wonder the producerszeroed inonmebecniseamavwomanofecoutnotbecause {Twas particulary good: istaialy, Mastermind has ‘beenanoverwhelmingly white taleshow.) ‘Net, to pick my specialist subject. The answer comes quickly: the Kardashians know everything Shout thar weetchedfamily-thlplasticsurgeon a} ‘Kanodia the high school they went to arymount ‘igh the designer of Kim's bouse Axel Vervoort) ‘Theepportunitytscrapesomeutityfomthisknow- ‘edge ike penclin rom mould stoogood to passe. Dutaias,Pmotalowedta,Wecart accommodate thekardashiansthisseres"saysacrypicemall fm the producers) Nor am alowed my second choice {Spice Git) or my third, the novels ofJane Austen there are only sx major ones, so figure revision wil ‘beansy-asboth subjects havefeatuted oo cent nfloundering There'snothingelee|wanttodo.1 consider the novels of Hilary Mantel, bu they're so Tong andve only end them once At this point, darkon the producers, but they keep eallingme fom unknownnubersaskingifrvegotanotherspecast Sulect- Fling leastoat he show 'vebech binge ‘watching during lockdown ER Yes, they say- That ‘oul vor ER ti, ‘This, ater elses why some people tank thet specait subjects on Mastermind seems the pe ders can refuse many ofa contestants choles, Jesvingthem otaclesubjectsthey do tfeetcomfor ble with, The contestants then dont have a= mich {imetoswotupasthey woudl. Sothey bomb. Tatee cntesantshavescoredjustonepointonthelr specialist Subjetto date andiny heart goes out oa often, ‘Tomy cred realise my insane folly a week ater, when t becomes clear that "ve ot torewateh all 3 hourlongepisodes of ER inunder six weeks before show i medi early Sly. senda panicked emal Please tbegyet agains can" just dhe Kardashians? Thay aieunmoving but, after some hose trading, the Portrait by David Yeo rolacers an settle on an inspite compromises] ‘ilfecusonlyonthecharacterof DrDougRoss in, ‘hohandilyextstheshowasarecuringeharacterin Season and, even more handily.is played by George {ona inacarer-efningrle or themext six weeks, leat, sleep, and breathe Clooney, hich nal honest, make for the mest fultiing and erotic revision experience of my if 1 stent Setting the Tone,an ER podesst, when Pat brung my teeth in the morning and geting ready forbed a might. cancel my plans and insteed stay Inand watch ER every evening, watching Cooney five boy Irom drowning In storm drain while ‘wearing tuxedo, punch child abusers and do that ‘Saeslc Clooney shtick of iting his head doven then Tooking up with those hangdog puppy eyes. Itis rough ine ro 2020 derils my revision but, 3 Jal rolls around, im feng good 1 know Dr Ros’ ob ile (Daedric fellow) and the names ofis parents Ray and Sarah) and how many chien he has (a rick ‘question ~ most people think i's two, bute also has Sonherentins bey inthefstserie) nthe parka ‘montheforefining a riendtestsme ony general Knowledge. gettwoquestonsrightoutof20-"Ichink the questions are easier than that." Tsay breezy. He Tooke dxbefl"Thats..theofi Mastering tie hesays. 1 TOUCH DOWN IN RELFASTfor fing, carrying 4 selection of wardrobe options at the producers! equest, and thee pages evsion notes. Wear a fancy top” says a producer brightly ina wardrobe Iwieingphonecal) ‘The ates full of Mastermind contestants, which rmakesforasurtel diner each of usiting alone all tof us ide eyeing eachother, assessing who has the ‘most bountfl general knowledge of them ll Ipod Veithout acknowledging that know Iniyhets thee, middle-aged woman