MASYADO PANG MAAGA

Bakit ba ang hirap-hirap

Magsabi nang diretsahan?

'Di pagkakaunawaan

Pwede sanang pag-usapan

Di ko alam kung saang parte ba ako nagkamali, aminado namang may pagkukulang pero kung mahal mo
ang isang tao hindi magiging madali ang pagkalas sa pangakong binuo niyong magkasama.

Tahan, pwede pa bang malaman?

Laman ng iyong isipan

Para walang maling akala

Itatanong ko pa ba kung bakit pinili mong durugin ang natitirang parte ng puso na pinag-hirapan kong
isalba? Ubos na ako, naupos sa pagkakamaling diko alam, sa pagkukulang na di ko mabayaran dahil
ganito lang ako pero heto ako piniling matupok ng tuluyan at patuloy kang mahalin.

Parang kay bilis ng 'yong pag-alis

Teka lang, teka lang, teka lang muna

Sa'n nagkamali?

Pwede bang bumawi?

Teka lang, teka lang, teka lang muna

Masyado pang maaga

Masyado pang maaga subalit ang huli'y abot na. Masyado pang maaga, sabi sa kanta, at saan na nga ba
ito papunta? Pagkatapos ng wakas, aling simula ang haharapin? Ang kasama ka uli o ang ako nalang mag-
isa?
Masyado pang maaga

Para mawala ka

Masyado pa akong naniwala sa iyong pinangako

Na minahal kita higit pa sa sarili ko

Sa dami ng ating pinag-usapan, tayo ang lumipas kasabay ng mga pangako na akala ko ay kasama mo pa
ako. Minamahal kita, subalit ang pagmamahal mo'y may kasama ng paglimot. Pero salamat sinubukan
mong mahalin ang katulad ko.

O Diyos ko, ba't di kita malimot?

Teka lang, teka lang, teka lang muna

Sa'n nagkamali? Pwede bang bumawi?

Teka lang, teka lang, teka lang muna

Alam ng Diyos kung gaanong bawat pagpatak ng oras ikaw ang dahilan ng pagluha at pag-ngiti ko. Gusto
ko man bumawi, gusto ko man itama, ikaw na ang nag-desisyong ialis ako sa buhay mo. Anong laban ko
sa kagustuhan mo?

I know we started alright. We ended up messed. We were okay, or so I thought. Ang aga mong sumuko.
Ang aga mong nawalan ng pag-asang pwede akong mahalin ng pang-matagalan. Bakit ako pa? Ako na
naman ang napili ng panahon na sugatan ng lubusan kung kailan pinipilit ko na lang hindi pigilan ang
aking pag-hinga.

I'LL TAKE EVERY CHANCE TO FIX THIS. I WAS IN A LONG RUN OF FINDING TRUE HAPPINESS. NO,
ACTUALLY, PEACE. MY INNER PEACE WAS LOST, I NEED TO TAKE IT BACK. I KNOW I HAD TO GO BACK. WE
CANNOT MOVE FORWARD UNLESS WE GO BACK AND FIX SOMETHING THAT BOTHERS US, THEN WE
TAKE SLOW STEPS AWAY, SLOWLY THAT IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE IS A CHANCE OF STEPPING BACKWARDS
AGAIN. SLOWLY THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO CHASE AND GET TIRED OF BEING OKAY. YOU ARE NOT OKAY
BUT YOU WILL BECOME BETTER IF YOU WILL TAKE THINGS WITH YOUR OWN PACE.

I was about to take the chance I asked yesterday. It happened.

Where did we went wrong and this love went cold?

I thought this kind of love is strong and now turns to something I will always long

CHAPTER ONE

"Garina" Okay, great. What a surprise! Of all the people in this circle. I sighed, on the top of my head I
really am screaming. I can't drink, and no definitely I am not choosing "dare". I know these people are
going make crazy dares.

"Truth" refuting this deep inside.

that was even a slap on my guts. But I had no choice.

These extroverts are looking kinda scary now.

"Truth, hmmm" Bethena devilishly smiled on me, eyeing the person I know who might be feeling the
same pressure as I have here, but this guy looked cool about it. Oh, well. He was the one to end up
everything.

"Okay, are you ready?" her face was full of excitement though.

"I should be" I coldly said.

"Are you still reading your ex's messages when you miss him?" I know they're into this. But it's an easy
question. And no, I won't lie.

"Oh, well I've expected that question. No" the guys on my side started that "OHHH" sound as if they
were hurt for the guy opposite mine.

I saw him pushed Owie who kept teasing him

"Gago" eyeing his weak spot, he was ready to hit him for sure. Out of nowhere Bethena started asking
WHY.

I don't know what came into me, I just felt like an open book, answering their unlimited questions. It's
the only night I could have the closure perhaps but I am in second thoughts of I should stay quite.

"Hey, guys. Save that for later. She already answered" My savior. Janna. I looked at her mouthing "thank
you".

The night went crazy, we got drunk, although the consequence is hitting me. I told Janna, I have to walk
by to somehow ease the pain, as if it would be of a help, but of course I don't want them to feel bad or
to worry about me. It was a happy night though and I can't kill it. Like how it killed me a little seeing the
person I missed the most.

I'm writhing in pain. This stomach won't cooperate. Out of my frustrations I just let the hell out of my
mouth.

"Tang*in*!" nakakainis bakit di ko mahanap yung gamot. The next thing I know I was prepared to
embrace the floor. Collapsing had been my medicine to forget how painful this is.

I woke up in a complete different setting. How did I got here?

There is this face checking up on me, he's seemed to be worried. But I'm still dizzy and the reek of the
alcohol is still hugging me.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked.

"I am now" he was looking on me, and gosh eye contact is what I hate most.

He held my hand, I was kinda shocked but I kinda felt safe and secured. But why? Why is he doing this?

"I know you can't drink much, I'm sorry I should have stopped you from drinking but I am not in the
position to upset your night"

"It's okay, Ban. I should've stopped myself, but I was carried away too, I can't kill the party, let's go
back, they might be worried. Alam ba nila?" I was hoping on the back of my mind they don't, I'll feel
ashamed hay.

"Di ko na sila nasabihan, pagkakita ko sayo dinala na kita agad dito" paliwanag niya

It was just like I got discharged. We went back, he was driving. We didn't talk. On my peripheral I saw
him checking on me.

"Thank you" I sincerely told him. I was really embarrassed too. Of all the people, ex ko pa.

"Wala yon, pahinga ka na" tugon niya

"Pahinga kana rin. Magpapahangin lang ako" ayoko pang matulog, di pa rin ako makatulog at hindi na
ata.
"Samahan na kita, di pa rin kasi ako makatulog"

I didn't reply. I just sat there. We were 10 meters apart. The cold wind embracing me while the waves are
calmed, the moon was the only light and the stars are beautifully patterned leaving me amazed how
wonderful God's creation.

Until I felt two hands offering me a jacket.

"Salamat, di naman ako nilalamig, ikaw baka sipunin ka" aalisin ko na sana at ibibigay sakanya nang
yakapin niya ako mula sa likod. This warmth, this supposed hug I needed most last 2 years ago.

"I missed you Garina, I missed everything about you. It's hitting and beating me hard everyday that I
can't be with you. It's driving me crazy knowing your presence is an absence that makes me feel
incomplete. " I didn't know that eyes sweat too much the second I heard him say that, I didn’t know that
the heart swells so bad.

"Nasaktan ako Garina, you mentioned you deleted our convo. Ganon ba kadaling burahin ang lahat?
Aminado ako binabalikbalikan ko pa rin yung unang pag-uusap natin" ramdam ko yung sakit ng
nararamdaman niya, ramdaman ko rin ang pagluha ng puso niya.

Kumalas ako sa yakap niya. Why is he suddenly acting like this? Is he still drunk? Is he serious? I’m
confused. This how uncertain relationship made me.

Garagal man ang boses ko, nanginginig man ang mga kalamnan ko, nanghihina man ako, pero nandito
naman na, kausap ko na siya. Baka eto na ang pagkakataon na mahanap ko ang tuldok sa pag-asang
hinihingi ko para sa ikalalaya naming dalawa. Hinarap ko siya, I hate eye contacts but I straightly looked
at him in the eyes, crying. Kanina pa ako nagpipigil eh. Ngayon, tuluyan na silang nagsisibagsakan isa isa.

" I asked Janna to do that for me, to delete our convo because I can't let myself re-read that convo
everytime I miss you because that would be everyday Ban. I can't breakdown everyday because I have
to get up and heal myself out. I was alone, Ban. You broke up with me in my most fragile time, I
needed you that time, you came but instead you gave me a heartache, I thought I was ready for it"
Wala na akong laban sa pagkakataong ito at kailangan ko ng kumala ang mga salitang naiisip ko para sa
ikakaginhawa ng nararamdaman ko. Ayoko mang makita siyang umiyak dahil nadudurog rin ako. Pagod
nakong maubos. He was just standing in front of me, the waterfalls of emotions are being shed on his
wonderful face, my beloved, Oh how much God knows I hate to see you break.

"I was to smile when I felt like crying, then what? Ban, don't feel bad about me crying in front of you
now. Feel relieved because you know I'll still love you in every teared part of me.

It was a painful end and a hope. But I had to stop here. I think I already said too much since the last time.

"Can we both properly close this and rest?" halos mawalan na akong ng boses at lakas ng loob sabihin
ito. May parte saaking ayusin ito at tanggapin muli siya pero malaking bahagi saaking natatakot na
maging parte ulit siya ng buhay ko. Paano kung hindi ulit niya kayanin, kung kelan mahal na mahal ko
siya?

He was sobbing and hugged me once again. I don't know how to console him. I can't stop my soul from
falling but I have to be strong this time.

"Tahan na Ban. We need to do this for our own sakes, okay?" I tapped his back and gently caress his
hair, fixing it and wiping his tears. Unto this end, I still wanted to uplift him. He too desrves the best for
him.

He was just quite and I just kept talking. Di ko na alam kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isipan niya.

"I can't regret today without telling you how I felt, again this is not to make you feel bad, but it is my
way of telling you that unto this moment I have to allow you to know and feel somewhat that I loved
you, but now, we know what's best for the both of us,kaya sulitin na natin ‘to at sa pagtapos ng
paghikbi ko kakalas na tayong pareho sa yakap ng isa't isa" Mas masakit kapag sinasabi mo ang ikaka-
wasak niyong pareho, pero kailangan kong mag-matigas at lumaya na.

"Paano ako Garina? Tinanong mo ba ako kung handa na akong mawala ka?" ayoko ng magtalo kami sa
linyang sinabi niya. Ayoko ng sumabatan siya.
"Pwede bang hindi na ako tumigil sa pag-iyak para lang hindi ka na kumalas? Garina mahal na mahal
pa kita, pwede bang ayusin natin 'to?" nagmamakaawa ang tinig niya at eto ako naiiyak na naman,
pesteng lalaking 'to. Ayoko ng magbago ang isip ko. Handa na ako sa wakas. Kailangan ko ng harapin
nang mag-isa at walang bitbit na sakit ang bukas.

"Ban, tama na. Sarili muna natin. Sana tinanong mo yan bago mo ako iniwan." I let it out so we can get
out.

"Ang hirap mong bitawan, kung alam mo lang Ban. Pero walang wala na ako sa sarili ko kaka-mahal ko
sayo. "

Ang haba na ng gabi at heto kaming dalawang pusong di na magkaintindihan, ayaw kumawala pero di na
nagkakaramdaman. Pumikit ako at hinalikan siya sa noo. Inilapat ko ulit ang aking labi sa kaniyang mga
labi. I sealed our goodbyes with a kiss of sundering.

"Saksi ang buwan kung gaano kita kamahal sa kahuli hulian. Humarap ka sakin at sabihin mong hindi
mo na ako mamahalin, nakikiusap ako, sabihin mo yon Ban at tatahimik na ako"

"Garina, hindi ko kaya" hagulgol niya na parang isang batang ayaw matapos ang paborito niyang labas.

"Andito ako, kakayanin mo" tugon ko.

I held his hand and plead him to utter those words.

He hugged me so tight again. Slowly, slowly my heart is melting while he was unwillingly almost
whispering that line I asked him. He was still sobbing. Tumahan siya subalit sa tuwing susubukan niyang
magsalita ay patuloy ang pag-agos ng luha. He then, looked at me like I was the most wonderful thing he
had and sadly needs to let go.

"Hindi na kita mamahalin Garina, dahil mahal pa rin kita kahit sabihin mong hindi na dapat, hayaan
mo na lang ako magpatuloy na mahalin ka hanggat kaya ko at kapag naubos na ang kakayahan kong
mahalin ka alam mong malaya kana"

Kumalas na kaming pareho sa yakap ng isa’t isa. Pinunas ko na ang mga luha sakanyang mata bago ang
akin. Sa pinakadulo natin, uunahin ka pa rin.

Maaaring masyado pang maaga para matapos ang napaka-magandang regalo nating dalawa, masyado
pang maaga para sa oras na laan na para pala dapat sa iba.

After that day we never spoke, we left a painful smile but we both know it is part of our healing. It is not
a bitter end but a gesture of hope and forgiveness.

Another 2 years left us, the process allowed me to ponder of my becoming and I met him again. The love
of my life. The man who was always there, unknowingly he’s been in love with me and that I am too
broke to notice that I can learn to love him, that I am ready to commit to his being. That no matter how
painful, I know I can endure everything because he loves me more than I know.

He is not Ban. His name is Nate. Nate is the man who led me to God. I was really thankful for this man
because I learned to complete myself while he was there waiting patiently, never judged or even the
thoughts of giving up didn’t weigh up the reasons for him to leave me. He love me the most when
everything seemed to not worked out. My Nate, my man who derserves the best of me, the every
reason I have to love him, my Nate who gave me a chance.

Masyado mang maaga ang pagwawakas, masyadong mang maagang kumalas, nagpapasalamat ako sa
gabing tinatagan ko ang loob kong lumaya na at sa paglaya ko sa pag-ibig na hindi para saamin
natagouan ako ni Nate. Ang lalaking hinding hindi ko na bibitawan. Siya na ang kasagutan.