one thing that strikes me

based on reading the emails we get the

comments on the video the comments on

instagram

comments from whatever is how compelling

this topic of narcissism is

and a lot of people almost being quite

angry of why the hell don't we know more

about this

why isn't this being taught in high

school why don't more employers know

about this

why didn't my hr department know about

this why

so it's a great question i went through

what i considered an extraordinary

graduate program

we didn't talk about it wasn't part of a

class we didn't do that much reading on

it it wasn't part of the supervision

just wasn't part of it if it came about

if it came up

by coincidence on the case you'd been

assigned you would have learned about it

we don't talk about it there was

recently a case and i'm going to leave

the names out of it

there's recently a case of a woman who

is a mental health practitioner

who had spoken to some of these patterns

in somebody who some people were public

figures

and the person actually ended up losing

their job they were simply pointing out

things that were

kind of true but this word

because you got to remember this word

narcissism

when you talk about this this isn't like

talking about depression

this isn't like talking about anxiety

this is

often putting a name to the pattern

manifested by some of the most difficult

and frankly some of the most dangerous

people in the world

and since difficult and dangerous people

are really really good at threatening

we often don't have reliable sources of

information and the reason i got into

this work is actually with sheer anger

and the anger was the day i looked up

and said holy

crap we know something and if people

know this something they may make

different decisions in their life

but when the system is set up in a way

that people out there who know

are being told you can't share this we

don't want people walking around

diagnosing people as narcissistic and as

i've told all of you a million times

calling someone narcissistic is not

diagnostic

it's the equivalent of calling them an

but using language that can be used at

the dinner table it really is that it's

descriptive

it's like calling someone stubborn or

friendly or nice

or mean it's a term my version of kind

may not even be your version of kind

what i'm trying to do though is make

sure that people are using this word

right not just to be the preening

narcissist staring at

in the mirror but this really much more

toxic

manipulative pattern but because

people literally lose their jobs for

talking about

narcissism in certain ways in public

spaces this person actually was naming

names

it becomes a tricky topic to talk about

and what it then means

is that nobody talks about it and the

fact is
is that when nobody talks about it then

nobody understands it

and when nobody understands it this

these cycles repeat over and over again

not to mention

that many many many millions of people

out there are walking around

in a chronic state of self-blame because

they don't know

i can tell you that it wasn't until deep

into my career

that i started getting this i had lived

through it i had been exposed to it

every phase of my life after

studying it as a fully cooked

professional

i was like oh my god this is something

that the world needs to hear

but it was a hard thing to get out there

for the longest time

and anytime i would say shouldn't we be

teaching people about this

i don't know seems kind of mean-spirited

everyone's got a backstory i'm the first

one to sit here and tell you

many people who have narcissistic

patterns in their behavior

do have difficult backstories i have no

i have no dispute with that

many of you watching this channel know

that i've worked clinically with many

narcissistic clients

it's been some of the hardest but most

devoted clinical work i've ever done

and the fact is while i i do the work

with them

we just don't we just don't make that

much progress it's the rigidity it's the

nature of the pattern

so i know this but this idea and i also

know that the back stories are difficult

and it limits them but the fact is if

somebody was to punch me in the face

and say well the reason i punch you in

the face is all this stuff that happened

in my history

my nose is still going to be bleeding

and it's still going to hurt

if we do not find if we silence the

people out there

the good people out there who are doing

this education

about important but difficult to talk

about mental health patterns like

narcissism

and write them off as sort of negative

nellie's or

that's not very nice we are leaving

people without information

that we've got and because the people

out there when they get called out as

narcissistic

well they don't like that right the

shame activation for them

the attempt becomes to shut down

the ability to talk about this a lot of

people feel like even once they

read about narcissism and say whoa i

want to tell my siblings about this

this might help them understand what

happened in our family of origin

they'll find this resistant from their

siblings they'll find resistance in

their workplaces

i have to say that when i have stepped

into places i work in and say

i'm a little bit worried about this

person because i'm kind of sensing and i

use you know me

high conflict antagonistic vulnerable

entitled

i use all kinds of words so i could put

lipstick on the pig

so i don't sound like everything is

narcissism

there's still some pushback so when i

read this recent story of somebody being

removed from a position

for calling out other powerful people

for being very antagonistic and frankly

narcissistic

it gave me pause and it showed me that

the people who are in positions of power

don't necessarily want the world to know

about this

and that's why i think it's so important

that everybody knows about this i

frequently frequently get requests for

people

can you talk about this famous person or

that famous person or this famous person

don't you think they're narcissistic i

ain't touching that

no way no how because as soon as we

connected to a name like you already

know the answer all of you who've ever

sent me one of those emails saying can

you comment on this famous person

if you're sending me the email you know

you're right but it's for those reasons

because this bigger message is so much

more important

i want you to understand the dynamics of

it i don't care if some foolish

random famous person is like this what i

care more about

is that in all of our ordinary lives in

our ordinary homes

and in our extraordinary hearts and

minds

that we are allowing ourselves to get

full full of self-doubt

and hold ourselves back you

need this information so you can make

sense of what's going on around you

it doesn't mean you even have to call

them out doesn't mean

that you have to get them evaluated i'm

teaching you that these

patterns name them however the hell you

want

but these patterns are not

good for you and you hanging out

just to have someone manipulate and

gaslight and invalidate you

in the name of some larger social

structure well everyone has a backstory

i ain't hanging with that anymore i'm

watching too many good people lose their

voice

so that's just my rant for today when i

saw that happen to that person i was

like oh my

you know wow the powerful people do not

want

people talking about narcissism so i'll

continue talking about it in my own

careful ways and it's why i don't take

on some topics

i don't need the headache because just i

don't want to silence the ability

to bring this information in a way that

actually helps people's lives

because frankly those powerful people

are very little interest to me

what's of interest to me is that they've

created a world that's full of enabling

rewarding and incentivizing narcissism

and that's trickling down to all of our

regular lives

so that's what this is about and i

again this is why nobody knows anything

about it because as a system as a mental

health system

this area of narcissism is the one thing

that a lot of people don't want to talk

about

and how it affects people's lives i

don't know

why this whole idea of like everyone has

to be living and playing in a happy

sandbox where everyone shares the toys

it's not the world we live in

and so that's my rap thanks