10 Smart Choices to Heal the Pain of Your Past

By Gail Brenner

“Where the heart is willing, it will find a thousand ways. Where it is unwilling, it
will find a thousand excuses.” – Arlen Price

If your past still plagues you, it will show in stressful relationships, squashed
dreams, a distorted view of yourself, and everyday sadness and frustration.

What an unhappy, limiting way to live!

What I can tell you is this: it is absolutely possible to no longer be affected by your
past. That doesn’t mean memories disappear or you never feel emotions again. It
means that you make a choice to support your own happiness, to free yourself
from the trap of challenging thoughts and feelings.

Healing happens when you’re willing to see how you’re stuck, and you do
whatever it takes to be free. That’s the first smart choice that lights the inner fire
for ending this unnecessary pain.

And you can make it over and over, in any moment.

This I know from personal experience. For many years, I had a challenging
relationship with my parents that was filled with anger and conflict. In a moment,
I saw that the one who was hurting most from this disharmony was me. I wanted
happiness more than anything and discovered the way to be completely free –
which I am thrilled to share with you.

Ready for more? Consider these 10 smart choices to heal the pain of the past. And
here’s what’s amazing: they’re always available to you. You don’t have to do
anything or go anywhere. They’re right here waiting to show you the way to your
lovely, vibrant, magnificent self.
1. Get fed up.

You’ve probably been gripped by your reactions to past events for a long time. So
it will take your focus and pure intention to engage in this process of healing.

How to keep it going? Get fed up. Be thoroughly sick of the emotional pain, the
discord in your relationships, and the half life you are living. Vow to see your way
to freedom.

2. Give up the victim role.

If you’re stuck in stories from the past, you will see yourself as the victim. Here
are some clues:

 They shouldn’t have…

 If only it had been different.
 It’s his (or her) fault.
 I’ve been damaged by others.

This mindset does not serve your happiness. Replace it with openness, curiosity,
and the willingness to see things in a new and fresh way. Take full responsibility
for your happiness.

3. Be willing to shed old identities.

An identity is a fixed idea that you think describes who you are. If you’ve been
living in the pain from your past, you might see yourself as wounded, needy,
lacking, or broken. You might think you’re incompetent or that you need to prove
yourself or that you’ll always be sad.

All of these identities limit you from seeing your natural brilliance. It’s like you’re
looking at yourself through a window covered in smudges.

Be open to shedding these identities, to clearing away the smudges. See yourself
as you actually are, not how your conclusions from your past experiences tell you
you are.
Now you’re out of your own way, and unchained from your past. No longer
needing to figure it all out, you’re available to the natural unfolding of the flow of
life.

4. Neutralize the story.

If you are stuck in pain about the past, you are repeating the story of what
happened in your mind and taking it to be true.

These stories don’t serve, as I’m sure you already know. Take a breath, and find a
place of neutral, friendly aware presence that is beyond the story. Lose interest in
this thinking so you can free your own mind and heart.

Keep saying “no” to the storyline, and it begins to lose its power.

5. Learn the intelligent approach to emotions.

Avoiding your emotions with compulsive behaviors or indulging them with drama
don’t support the discovery of your natural wholeness.

Instead, let the story go, and you will discover that your emotions live in your
body. Find the place of the deepest love and acceptance in you and allow these
physical sensations the space to be.

Any time the story grabs you, return to meeting what’s happening in your body
with the most tender heart. Keep doing this whenever your emotions have
grabbed you. Because love wins every time.

6. Don’t know.

When you’re caught in reactions from the past, your whole world view is limited
and inflexible. And when you’re no longer stuck, you’ve just entered the unknown
where anything can happen.

When you feel a familiar reaction arising, stop and don’t know. Don’t know what
you’re going to do next. Don’t know how to be in the world. Don’t know how
you’re supposed to feel.
Let your mind be open like the sky and imagine your body free of familiar
tensions. Be a blank slate for a fresh, unfamiliar, spontaneous way of being. See
yourself and others with fresh eyes.

7. Be realistic about what healing is – and isn’t.

Healing from the pain of the past doesn’t mean your memories are erased or that
you’ll never have those difficult feelings again.

It does mean that when these experiences visit you, they don’t get to be in
charge. They stop defining you. They no longer direct your actions.

When a memory or emotion appears – and it will, don’t touch it. Don’t feed it
with your attention, and it will float on through like a cloud in the sky.

This is real, effortless freedom. Any experience can arise, but you remain stable,
undisturbed, free of its influence.

8. Forget forgiveness.

Forget forgiveness? Yes, you heard it right.

Forgiveness of others may happen, but for now you need to focus on yourself.
Discover in every moment how attachment to thoughts and feelings makes you
unhappy. Then let these go for your own well being.

Some of your thoughts may have to do with regret about your own actions.
Lovingly meet the feelings of guilt and shame, and know that you are so much
bigger than them. Wherever you are stuck, keep at it to find your way to peace.

9. See through the beliefs that keep you stuck.

If the process of healing hits a roadblock, you may hold some hidden beliefs that
are hijacking your happiness. Consider these:

 I feel justified in staying stuck because I was wronged.

 They did it. It’s their responsibility to make this better for me.
 If I let go, I’m approving others’ bad behavior.
 I need an apology.
 It was so bad that it’s not possible for me to heal.
These beliefs have only one purpose – to keep you a victim of your past. Identify
them, see them as unhelpful, then reconnect with your truest heart’s desire for
peace.

10. Live fully now.

The past is gone. And if it’s still a problem, that problem is happening now, in this
present moment.

You can’t rewrite the past, but you can absolutely learn to relate to it differently
so that you’re no longer triggered. After all, the “problem” is actually some
thoughts and emotions. These may arise, but they can’t touch the vastness of
your shining presence.

Live only according to what’s true, and let the rest go. Put aside any self-imposed
limits. You’ll be amazed by the potential for happiness and fulfillment that’s been
here all along – once you’re free from the pain of your past.