Video transcript

Deciding Family Rules

This is a transcript of the Raising Children Network video available at

http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/rules_video.html. Mums, dads and teenagers talk
together about why family rules are important, how rules are decided, and how
household jobs are shared out. They also talk about how to sort out conflict over the
rules.

Household Rules

Trish and Sam [mother and son]

Trish: The rules would be just to consider everybody and to just everyone help out as
best you can. We do have some jobs we ask the children to do. My latest phrase is ‘finish
the cycle’, so if you’ve helped put the washing out that means you have to bring it in.

Oscar and Kristin [son and mother]

Oscar [age 15]: I think it’s just stuff that goes without saying.

Kristin: It’s only three of us so it’s not hard, we don’t really need to make rules. It’s just
stuff that goes without saying, you know. I have to ask him to help a bit, he’s a bit... I
wish he would do more without being asked.

Oscar: But half the time I’m on my way for doing stuff...

Kristin: Mmmm, and then he’s on his way to doing it and I’ve asked him to do it.
Stuff like that.

How are rules decided?

Lakshmi and Smriti [mother and daughter]

Smriti [age 14]: Well, the parents come up with it and they tell us, and sometimes you
rebel against it and sometimes you don’t. And, yeah, well. But in the end the rules are
enforced. Yes, they are.

Ted and Nina [father and daughter]

Ted: [Nina’s mum] and I just decide, but I suppose they [the kids] are having more and
more of a voice... potentially, or... whatever, in how we go about doing things. We’ve
got this house meeting we’re supposed to be having, [to Nina] coming up...?

Nina [age 13]: Ha! - ‘supposed to’.

Ted: Supposed to.

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Nina: We kind of came up with two, well like, a household job each. We’re supposed to
have more but we didn’t really work it out.

Ted: We’re happy to give you more jobs.

Nina: It was supposed to mean more jobs equals more money, but we didn’t get that.

Ted: Well, you did just kind of – what’s the word – announce a house meeting without
any notice.

Nina [interrupting]: I said ‘can we have one?’

Ted: Yes but it was on that night, and it wasn’t really the best time. So we did say we
would have the meeting, once the New Year kind of settled down a bit. And we had time
to think about these things. We wrote a little list of things we need to talk about.

Nina: And where’s that list?

Ted [pointing]: Sitting up on the... calendar. It’s there, it’s there. [Ted and Nina laugh]

Disagreements

Lakshmi: He moved the computer to my son’s room, and I was very particular that it
had to be in the public area. And, the day I wasn’t home, he somehow convinced his dad
that the computer has to be in his room. So when he was about... [to Smriti] 15?

Smriti: Yeah, my age.

Lakshmi: Yeah, about 14, 15. Whereas I was definitely against that. I wanted it to be in
a place where I could see... what he was doing. And... that created a little bit of a
difference. He [Dad] said, ‘it’s OK, he’s old enough, why do you insist so much?’ But that
was a little bit of an issue. It went on for a few weeks and ultimately they both agreed to
bring the computer down. [laughs]

David and Mary [son and mother]

David [age 12]: Sometimes Mum doesn’t monitor who’s on the computer with Hugo and
Peter so Hugo has a turn and then Mum says, ‘Hugo, give it to Peter.’ He doesn’t. Peter
goes, ‘Give me a turn. Give me a turn.’ And Hugo will say, ‘Just a minute. Just a minute.’
And... it’s not a minute.

Mary: And then I say, Ok, you’ve been on half an hour. Turn it off. And they’ll say, ‘Oh,
it’s not fair, Hugo’s been on the whole time.’ That sort of thing. But I just think half an
hour on the computer at a time is enough. Enough screen time.

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 Resolving conflict

Mary: I don’t like yelling. I don’t like it if the boys won’t listen, won’t answer me, which
happens more often if something is turned on. But if they ignore me... So then I just
keep going, saying ‘David’, or whoever, you know. But if my husband’s home he hates
hearing me saying the same thing ten times and the boys aren’t listening. So he’s more
likely to yell. But I don’t want to be in a household where the boys only listen if they are
yelled to. If they get used to one constant sound and ignore that, and then... they know
that eventually there will be a yell, and then they listen. So I don’t think that’s the
answer but somehow ...

David: Somehow.

Mary: Conflict. I don’t know. We have to all get to the point where we discuss it or
something like that. There are times when I think that you just have to do what your
parents say. But I know that more and more you’ve got to have a reason behind that,
and a discussion.

Kristin: We’re a bit shouty, aren’t we? He’s [points to Oscar] a bit shouty.

Oscar: I’m not shouty.

Kristin: I’m a bit shouty. We tend to have a bit of a shout, get a bit angry and then go
away and sort of calm down and then come back and... it’s all OK.

Trish: We would try and remain calm. But if we have not remained calm, a bit later
address it again and see if we can come to a compromise. Or see the other person’s
point of view.

Smriti: I put myself in their perspective as well, and see it from their side, and I know
what I am thinking and... I can see it from both ways. Yeah.

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