At the dawn of madness

"There's a morning inside you that's waiting to burst into light" Rumi
 Part 1

Murielle, a journey
 I
The beginning

That night, Murielle was not her usual self; she was already up at four in the morning, bursting
with energy.
When Murielle's mother woke up at about eight in the morning, she went to her daughter's room
to see her. She found her going back and forth.
-Hello my darling, Are you okay?
-Yes, I have never felt so good," Murielle said.
Murielle's mother, Amelie, could see that something had changed in her daughter's behavior, but
she didn't know what exactly.
Mireille did not know what state her mind was in: she was discovering this Other in us, as Jung
would say, the expression of her deepest Self.
She was at the end of her school year, but the experience she was about to undergo would
change her life. She told her mother that she didn't need to study anymore, and that she would be
the one to revolutionize modern science; she was sure that she could control the elements of
matter, like
turning on or off the television and radio or making the telephone ring. She was astonished by her
new faculties: she knew that nobody would believe her if she said that she could control matter
with her mind. This phenomenon is known in spiritual traditions, as well as in the mysticism of
religious traditions: when we can go down into the depths of the soul, we can have a power over
reality, what quantum physics calls the realm of possibilities, where we can have an influence on
matter.
Mireille's mother was very worried to hear her daughter say that she was going to stop her
studies, while her exams were very close.
- I don't understand why you suddenly want to stop studying," Amelie told her.
-I am perfectly capable of succeeding without going through all these exams, I want to travel,
explore the world, experience new things, meet people.
-That's enough Murielle, I'm going to talk to your father about it
Murielle's father was in the dining room and heard the argument between Mireille and her
mother.
Amelie came down from her daughter's room in a huff and found her husband getting ready
to leave.
-Julien, Julien, wait, we have to talk, I don't understand our daughter anymore, she wants to stop
her studies!
-Oh, really! Why is that?
- I don't understand, go up and see her, maybe she will listen to you.
Julien went up to see his daughter in her room, she was very excited and agitated as if there was
something inside her.
- Murielle, what's wrong with you, do you want to stop studying?
When she heard her father, she became more aggressive and said to him:
-I don't have to answer to you, I do what I want with my life.
-We'll talk about it again at the end of the day, says Julian.
-Yes, that's it," said Murielle.
At the end of the day, Amelie and Julian decided that perhaps they needed to see a specialist, a
psychologist or a psychiatrist to shed some light on their daughter's condition. Murielle was still
immersed in her own world, where she was overwhelmed by all sorts of perceptions. She began
to imagine that she was the victim of a conspiracy, that everyone was watching her and that there
might be cameras all over her room. She came down from her room and found her parents talking
about her, she said: "I know very well what you are up to since the beginning, you won't get me.
Julien and Amélie were very worried to hear these words coming from their daughter.
-What are you talking about?" said Julien.
- You are pretending but I have understood everything.
Murielle returned to her room and began to break all the electronic equipment: she felt observed
and oppressed.
While waiting for all this commotion, Julian and Amelie became frightened and decided to call
the ambulance to take their daughter to the psychiatric emergency room. A few minutes later,
two men came to take Murielle by force from her room. Despite the violence of this event, Julien
and Amélie thought they were doing the right thing for their daughter.
When these two men arrived, Murielle began to scream at the top of her voice, and she felt as
if she was seeing the plot she thought her parents were making against her come true.
-You always wanted to get rid of me!
Murielle was very aggressive and very agitated, the two nurses had to inject her with a shot to put
her to sleep.
Julien and Amélie accompanied their daughter to the psychiatric hospital of Havre where they
had to see the psychiatrist to establish a diagnosis.
Upon arrival at the hospital, Dr. Pascal welcomed Murielle's parents into his office.
-Hello Sir, please take a seat and explain to me what is going on with your daughter.
Murielle's mother explained that her daughter suddenly wanted to leave school and that she was
suddenly changing moods, going from a jovial state to great aggressiveness. During the
discussion, Dr. Pascale said that their daughter might be suffering from a bipolar disorder and
that she might need to be committed for her own safety.
-You are on doctor, it is perhaps the adolescence says to him Julian.
Murielle's father had difficulty accepting this diagnosis, for him to accept this is to mourn his
daughter.
Dr. Pascal tried to reassure them, saying that with proper treatment and a good environment, their
daughter could have a completely normal life. He added that for the time being, given Murielle's
condition, she would have to be institutionalized to come back to reality.
Julien and Amelie were horrified at the idea of leaving their daughter in a psychiatric institution
because the psychiatric hospital does not have a good reputation, but after a long discussion with
Dr. Pascale, Julien and Amelie finally gave their permission to commit their daughter.

II
Internment

Murielle woke up the next day in her patient room, the injection she had been given had made her
slump, she felt a heaviness that weighed her down, as if the best part of her had been removed.
Indeed she was discovering for the first time the side effect of psychotropic drugs that
turn patients into vegetables, without affect and without energy: a zombie.
Murielle left her room and entered a room where she saw other patients like her who were in the
same deplorable physical state sitting around a table, some were making repetitive gestures,
others were there but they looked absent, she especially noticed that they all had the same look.
Murielle wanted to see a doctor to talk about the heaviness he felt in his body. The weakness of
his intellectual capacity, the inability to speak without drooling. She was shocked by the lack of
listening and humanity of the caregivers, as if her status as a patient had taken away her
humanity. There were no activities offered to the patient, the days were punctuated by breakfast,
lunch and the taking of medication, those who refused to take it were administered by force by
injection. Murielle tried to have a conversation with some of the patients to escape the
morbidity of the atmosphere.
Julien and Amelie came to visit their daughter in the evening. They found him there, the
medication had changed the look of his face.
-How are you my dear? Amélie said to her with much sadness: she could see her daughter had
changed.
-Why did you put me in here, get me out, I don't belong in this place, I'm not crazy mom!
-No Murielle, you are going to leave soon, it is just necessary that you rest a little and you will
leave and all will be again as before. said Julian to her
-No Daddy I want to get out now and I don't know what they are making me take, but it makes
me sick, I have never felt so bad. Amelie couldn't help but cry when she heard these words, her
husband tried to comfort her by telling her that she needs to be strong, that they will both get
through this.
The conversation lasted about thirty minutes and then Murielle was escorted back to her room
by a nurse.
The caregivers were particularly hard on the patients, one day Murielle was agitated and did
not want to take her medication, the nurse who was following her started to threaten her.
-If you don't stop fidgeting and refuse to take the medication, you will be forcibly injected and
believe me, you won't like it.
-I won't take any more of this filth, it makes me sick," Murielle told her.
-Ah that's what you want to play, you want to be a smart ass.
The nurse called her other colleagues in order to hold him by force and inject him with an
injection, the scene was quite violent, three very strong nurses came to tackle her to the ground
and to inject her.
- Slowly my little one, don't tighten the muscles, if not the sting will be very painful" said
the nurse.
-You're hurting me, I'm choking, leave me alone!
The nurse injected her with the shot and Murielle immediately fell asleep.
The next day Murielle started to resign herself, she understood that it was not necessary to
resist, if not she risks to be badly treated by the nurses who are without mood. During lunch, the
patients left the courtyard to go to the dining room. Murielle met a patient named Alain, she was
attracted to him because he was particularly lucid.
- How long have you been here? said Murielle
- Yes, two months.
- Why were you interned?
- I was told that I was suffering from schizophrenia, this is the third time I have been
interned because I stop taking my medication, the problem with what they give me is that
it invalidates me, I cannot study; I cannot work; it is true that it allows me to mask my
crises and relapses but it does not cure me.
- And you, why are you here?
- The doctor told my parents that I have bipolar disorder, but I don't know what that
means yet, but you're right, the medication they give us destroys us, I've never felt so
bad.
- Bipolar disorder from what I've read is a mood disorder that is characterized by periods of
euphoria and periods of depression.
- Oh yes, I see, but I can't stand this place, I want to go home.
- If you want some advice, the best thing to do, if you want to get out quickly, is to
remain docile and take the medication; but if you get agitated and rebel, you will only
prolong your stay.
- Yes, that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to pretend I'm better.
Murielle received a second visit from her parents, they brought with them cakes and
drinks for their daughter, she was very happy to see her parents again, she confided
to
them that the food was really bad, but that she is better now and that she can't wait to go
back home. Murielle still had to endure to stay in the hospital of Havre because Dr.
Pascal had foreseen that he had to stay another month to be stabilized. She decided to
follow the advice of her new friend Alain by staying calm and patient until the day of her
discharge.
 III
Leaving the psychiatric hospital and spiritual quest

It was Christmas Day, the last day of internment. Murielle and her parents had
an appointment with Dr. Pascal for an interview.
- How are you Miss Murielle
- I am better answered Murielle to him of a low voice. She was especially impatient to
leave this place which disgusted him.
-You must be especially happy, it is today that you go out, I am going to make you a
prescription that you must respect and I give you an appointment in two months, says the
doctor to her.
- What are the consequences if I neglect my medication?
-Well you risk relapse, to be honest with you, the medications we give do not cure, it
simply masks the symptoms, even if they are accompanied by side effects that can be
unpleasant for the patient: such as difficulty in concentration, apathy, slowness. This
while following a treatment can avoid relapses and being interned again.

Some time after their discussion with the psychiatrist, Murielle and her family returned
home. In the car, Julian tried to strike up a conversation with his daughter, but she
found him pale and tense, no doubt due to the side effects of his medication. She was
also very angry that her parents had committed her to a psychiatric hospital because for
the first
time she felt abandoned and left to her own devices.
-Murielle is it okay, you are happy to go home
-Yes of course, you should never have brought me to this hospital
- Are you angry with us?
-Yes
When they arrived home, Julien and Amelie noticed a great sadness in their daughter, she
had lost her joy of living, her spark of life. They were sad to see her in this state but they
were powerless.
Murielle immediately went up to her room, meditating on her bed, she was lost, she didn't
know in which direction she should direct her life, she kept thinking about her friend
from the psychiatric hospital who told her that the medication was disabling; but at the
same
time that stopping the treatment could lead to a relapse, she felt trapped.She was
determined to get out of this situation, but it was out of the question to lament or play the
victim. She began to research the disorder she had been diagnosed with, namely bipolar
disorder, which is characterized by a phase of depression and a phase of euphoria that
psychiatrists want to stabilize with mood regulators. But she was convinced at the
beginning that what she experienced was not related to a biological dysfunction of her
brain; she who was very religious, had the intuition that her experience was simply a state
of proximity with the divine. She didn't stop at what the psychology books said, she read
books about spirituality, as well as the mysticism of the monotheistic religions. In the
course of her reading, she discovered something that described her experience well,
namely that there is something in the human being that precedes reason, a deep self that
goes beyond consciousness and our unconscious that we must find through a personal
journey. The encounter with this Other in us as Jung would say makes us access
another dimension of ourselves, in which we live moments of ecstasy, which is called
nirvana in the Buddhist tradition or the experience of divine love in the monotheistic
traditions.
Murielle had found her way to recovery through her reading. She had an idea of how to
get out of the infernal circle of psychiatrists, the psychiatric hospital and the heaviness of
the treatment.
One day she decided to tell her parents that she needed to go to her Aunt Rosy's house
in the country, because she needed to find herself. They decided to let their daughter go
because she felt that she was old enough to take care of herself.
Own decisions.
 IV
At Rosy's, in the country

It was Saturday morning, Murielle was getting ready to join her aunt who was a church
sister. She arrived at 5 o'clock in the evening in front of Rosy's house, she knocked on
the door and it was her aunt who came to open.
-What a nice surprise, I wasn't aware that you were coming to see me.
-It was a spur of the moment decision, I needed to get out of the city, to find myself and
to take care of myself, my parents don't understand me that much since my internment.
- This is your home, come on in, I'll show you your room, you'll take a bath, I'll make you
a meal and then we'll talk.
After a while, Murielle came to join her aunt in the living room
-So tell me, you're telling me that you've been interned says Rosy
-Yes, it all started on the eve of the exam, I felt I was becoming another person, I felt full
of love and all my senses were exalted as if nature and the world spoke to me personally,
when I was in this state I told my mother that I didn't need to study anymore, but rather to
travel and discover the world, I wanted to give and share all the love that was inside me,
that's why my parents decided to commit me to the psychiatric hospital in Havre. I was
interned for two months, the psychiatrist said that I was suffering from a bipolar
disorder, but I do not agree with this diagnosis, for me what I lived is only the experience
with the proximity with God.
- Yes Murielle what you describe to me resembles the ecstasy that one feels when one
experiences the proximity with the divine, unfortunately in the materialistic world in
which we live, or people often despise religion when one lives this kind of experience,
one is taxed of insane and one finds oneself like that was for your case in the
psychiatric hospitals.
What you need, and you did well to come and see me, is to understand certain aspects of
religion, especially Christian mysticism, in order to be able to walk towards God. The
environment in which we are allows us to do this, because we are far from the pressure
and temptations of the city.
-This is exactly what I want, I am convinced that the spiritual path will allow me to find
my balance; and to free myself from the weight of the drugs that make me invalid.
Murielle decided to engage in spirituality to heal her being, she got up every morning to
recite prayers, read books and did sports. She also committed herself to caring for the
poor around her, meditated on herself and enjoyed contemplating nature - this was her
daily routine for two years. As Murielle persevered on this path, she began to feel much
joy and love in her heart with greater intensity than she had felt at first. She told her aunt,
who was familiar with this kind of experience, what she felt.
- My niece, it is wonderful, what you are living is a privilege of the Lord, you must
 continue and know that from now on, whatever happens to you, God is with you.
- I am really reassured and I am really lucky to have you with me; you help me to progress
and to understand myself, I feel light and joyful, at this rate, I will soon be able to return
to my parents and continue my studies serenely. Now I know what I want to do, I want
to study theology and philosophy in order to be able to accompany through my
experience people who suffer from psychological disorders; to show them how through
faith we can overcome our disorders in order to reach a psychological balance
- It's a very nice project, I see that you have already found your way. But I suggest that
you stay another month to be more solid. I know you have made a lot of progress but
stay a
little longer.
- Yes, I can only follow your advice, my dear aunt.
Murielle stayed for another month during which time he took care of herself and her
spirituality. At the end of the month, she decided to go back to her parents' home in Paris
in order to start her new path to serve those who are still in the abyss of psychological
disorders.
V
Back to

It was Friday, Murielle decided to return to Paris to her parents to make a new start, she
did not hesitate to confide in her aunt the immense support she gave her, it is thanks to
her that she found a psychological, emotional and spiritual balance: a full health.
Murielle's
mother was very impatient to find her daughter: since her departure, she had cut herself
off from the world and had never given any news. She was happy to have her daughter
on the phone to tell her that she was coming back to Paris.
As soon as she arrived, her mother greeted her at the station and saw that her daughter
was radiant and full of life.
-My darling, this trip has really done you good, I can see that you are not the same person
anymore says Amelie.
-Yes mom and if I told you that I found God and it is thanks to Him that I found a
meaning to my life, I have many things to tell you, let's go home because I am tired by the
trip, I will tell you everything tomorrow morning.
-Yes, of course we're going.
The next day, Murielle joined her mother and father to tell them about her experience
and her new project.
- You know, that trip I took to my Aunt Rosy's transformed me, psychologically
and physically, and I would sometimes go there on vacation if I needed to find
myself.
- Can we know what your daily life was like there?
- Precisely, I left first of all to find and develop my spirituality because I learned that
faith, getting closer to God, gives us psychological balance and serenity on all levels of
our Being. I didn't want to depend on medication that only masked my symptoms
without
 really healing me and I wanted to get out of the psychiatrists' system that made me feel
like a mental patient for life.
- We can see that you have changed; we can see it in your way of being and speaking,
we are happy that you have regained your health through faith," said his mother.
-I have been thinking about this for a long time and I want to give a new direction to my life. I
did not know at the beginning which way I should go and now I would like to study philosophy
and theology. I would like to use my experience and my studies to help those who suffer from
psychological disorders.
- This is a very noble life project, we will support you in this way, your mother and I told
him Julian.
Murielle then decided to resume her studies, she passed her literary baccalaureate with success;
she started to do a degree in philosophy and then a second degree in theology, finally she wrote a
thesis entitled psychology and knowledge of the soul in which she shows how spirituality plays a
role in psychological well-being. At the end of her studies Murielle was a lecturer in the
department of psychology at the University of Paris, and she created an association called "La
voix des justes" in which she accompanies the most complex patients that no psychiatric
institution would take care of because they are considered incurable. Her association recruits
mainly peer helpers: people who have already suffered from psychological disorders in the
past or who come from difficult families and who have managed to get out of it despite
everything; she also welcomes theologians of all religions and spiritual teachers. The care of
the patients is based on attention and listening to the needs of each patient, which requires a lot
of patience, empathy and compassion from the staff. For those patients who are able, a spiritual
approach is
offered to them with the goal of recovery. Murielle did not impose any religion or spirituality, she
gave an overview of all religions and spiritualities and explained how these paths can help to
achieve psychological balance. In the association there was a young man called Alain to whom
Murielle became particularly attached, he was schizophrenic and very violent; despite all
expectations the young man calmed down in the company of Murielle who gave him a lot of
attention and love. The gentleness with which she treated this patient meant that over time
he became much less aggressive.
Over the years, Murielle's association has become a reference for several psychiatric institutions,
which call on him to find out if there is room for new patients. This
During this time, Murielle's association was in the sights of the General Inspectorate of Social
Affairs, which reproached her for employing unqualified staff. But also despite the success of her
association in which she found a lot of happiness, there was something missing. She needed to
find love to fill her loneliness, someone who could support her in her adventure and help her
move forward.
 VI
The quest for love

Three years later, on Christmas Eve, Murielle decided to return to her aunt's house to recharge
her batteries and talk about her progress in her professional life, but above all to confess her need
to be loved and accompanied by a man. Murielle found her aunt in front of the door who looked
at her with eyes filled with love.
-My dear, did you have a good trip?
- Yes, I'm a little tired, but I'm okay
-I'm glad you came to spend Christmas with me
-It's a pleasure, I owe you a lot, if I am here now it's thanks to you
- Yes, but you're the brave one: you're the one who made the
effort. After taking a bath, Murielle joined Rosy in the dining
room.
-So my niece what happens now? said Rosy
- I went back to school, I studied philosophy and theology as I had planned. I am now a lecturer
in a university in Paris, but my greatest pride is my association "La voix des justes", which takes
care of patients that no institution wants, in which I recruit peer helpers.
-I'm really proud of you for completing your project.
- Auntie, it is true that I am happy with my career and I don't feel like I am working so much
because I love what I do, but even so I am missing something, I am missing a soul mate, someone
who supports me in my life.
-You are right, you should not deny your emotional needs. My advice to you is to be patient
because everything comes in its own time and expect the unexpected, maybe you will find love
where you least expect it.
Murielle spent Christmas with her aunt and some friends, the atmosphere was warm and jovial.
After the party she went back to Paris.
Two weeks later she received a call from someone who had heard about her association and
wanted to be recruited as a peer helper. She gave him an appointment on Wednesday at
eight o'clock at the association's headquarters.
As soon as she arrived, at the sight of the young man, Murielle was disturbed, she had never felt
like this for a man. Nevertheless, she kept her calm and started to talk with him.
-Hello Mister ...
-This is Mr. Eric Dupond
- Nice to meet you, I understand that you want to join our association
-Yes
- You know, we recruit mostly peer helpers in our structure, can you tell me a little about
your background.
- It all started in my first year of my psychology degree at the University of Geneva;I lived in
an apartment near the faculty, that's where I had my first manic episode as the psychiatrists say,
I woke up one day at three o'clock in the morning with so much energy and with ideas coming
from everywhere, I started to read voluminous books of psychology and I was convinced that I
would find the adequate method to cure all the psychological disorders, I spent without
moderation and I liked to seduce any girl because nothing resisted my charm; while I was shy by
nature. I felt like a God on earth. But a few months later I fell into a great depression; this period
was so difficult that I was close to ending my life. My parents, who had not heard from me for a
while, got worried and came to visit me, finding me in a bad state in my room. They immediately
took me to a psychiatric hospital. This hospital was special because they didn't fill me with
medication, each patient was accompanied by an educator who listens to them, comforts them
and responds to their needs, these people show a lot of patience, compassion and gentleness
towards the patients, they use the minimum of medication: the therapy of the hospital was
essentially based on the attention and the personalized accompaniment of each patient, that's what
touched me the most in this institution Besides the quality of life that we were given: sports, food,
hygiene, reading sessions, but also relaxation sessions. We were also invited to express what was
inside of us through painting, drawing, writing and music. It is because of this therapy that I
received in Switzerland that I am here before you today. It is for this reason that I want to help
those who suffer from psychological disorders and when I heard about you I immediately
wanted to get involved.
Murielle was touched by Eric's background and knew that he could be a major asset for her
association because of his experience, as well as the way of working of the psychiatric hospital he
described had seduced her: this kind of institution does not exist in France.
-Your journey is really impressive, it is a pleasure to have you with us as a peer helper. Murielle
says to him. You can start tomorrow.
-That's fine, thank you for your confidence.
Since Eric started working in the association, a special complicity was established between him
and Murielle.
One day, Eric decided to invite Murielle to the restaurant to confess his feelings.
They met at 8pm, when they arrived they were both very excited to see each other outside of
work.
They talked for a long time in a natural way as if they already knew each other for a long time.
They had one major point in common in their journey, that of having overcome their
psychological disorder; but with a different path. They confessed their feelings to each other and
felt that their relationship was a given. A few months later Murielle and Eric decided to get
married.
After their marriage, Eric and Murielle decided to further develop their association, as Eric's
experience was a major asset for the care of their patients. Despite the success of their
association, Murielle was harassed by the social affairs inspectorate for hiring unqualified staff.
One day the inspectors made an appointment with Murielle at the association's headquarters to
ask her some difficult questions about the legitimacy of the association, but Murielle's answer
was frank and straightforward, saying that every day psychiatric institutions call on her to ask if
she could not take on new patients. Faced with this argument, the inspectors were obliged to
resign themselves because no alternative care was available for this type of patient. From that
day on, Murielle's association was a must for several psychiatric institutions in France.
Two years later, a patient from Africa joined the association whose story shook Murielle and her
companion.
 Part Two:

A patient from elsewhere: a story

I.

The initiation

That day, Benjamin had finished his usual revision for his baccalaureate exams, which were
coming up fast. It was exciting for him, but he was also looking forward to the end of the steady
pace he had set for himself. Introverted and quiet, he used to withdraw from other people to
meditate on himself: it is perhaps because of this trait that he developed a strong sense of
morality; in this he shared a common trait with all the messengers and all the chosen ones of
God: namely, that The Most High isolates them, educates them according to the circumstances
of life to be able to carry the faith - the revelation. Later that night, Benjamin had a sudden
craving for God, a thirst for the Most High. After the last evening prayer, he began to pray his
chapel on the prophet Mohamed: a practice of the followers of a mystical brotherhood; as the
prayers went
on, Benjamin began to live an intimate experience, which will upset all his life and all he knew:
his body literally received electric shocks that twisted his face as if an animal wanted to escape.
This almost paranormal phenomenon led Benjamin into an unknown world-the world of spirits,
the invisible world. Upset and inhabited, he thought that God was preparing him for a mission: he
was the guided one, the mahdi, the one who was expected at the end of time to bring order and
peace to a world that had become corrupted, as the prophetic tradition said. He followed signs
and messages that seemed to control his mind and command his movements. So he decided in the
middle of the night to go to his Sheikh, the one who gave him the authorization to practice wird1.
He was convinced that he was expected to be The Guided One. When he arrived at the door, he
knocked three times, although he heard a person answer, he remained motionless and he saw the
image of a character coming from another world, an unveiling of the invisible world; as well as
synchronicities. His heart now unveiled, hears the call of the Lord, he became a receptacle of the
word of God: the Quran. The events, and the nature or the revelation unfolded unveil their
secret. Benjamin was troubled by this initiation, he was found by his parents in front of the door
of the Sheikh sobbing. Back home, he was still inhabited by the divine breath and he saw around
him only shadows, he became very agitated and brought out all the luggage from his room. Even
though the images he was seeing had disappeared, there was an eye that he saw constantly and
that followed his gaze. While he was in the midst of his excitement, he saw one of his
mother's friends approaching him, who often came to spend the day at their house, a disciple
of the
brotherhood; he calmly approached Benjamin and said to him: Is this Benjamin?" and he replied
forcefully, "No, I am the Imam al-Mahdi. After a heated argument, the disciple showed him his
true face by making all the light he carried in his eyes appear. This extraordinary phenomenon
calmed Benjamin because this disciple was his ally and he was able to understand him. The
disciple tried near the door of the room, he said to him: speak to me about God and he answered:
"He is the apparent and the hidden" and the disciple finished the verse of the Koran of the sura
Al hadid by saying: "He is omniscient on all things". After this extraordinary episode, Benjamin
became more and more agitated; his mother and aunt decided to take him to the psychiatric
hospital, accompanied by this strange disciple who knew well the world that Benjamin was
discovering. They took him to the car, and he wanted to open the box that was in front of him,
his gestures became remote-controlled by this disciple but he understood this only long after. He
opened the box and took out a sheet of paper which he asked the disciple to read, the disciple
complied and read the opening sura of the Koran: The Fatiha, which is also called the seven that
repeat. Benjamin was receiving, being initiated into the noble Quran; while he was still inhabited
by the fact that he was the mahdi and that he was being taken to lead the afternoon prayer. After a
few minutes of driving, he looked up and saw that he was being taken to the mental hospital, and
he exclaimed that he was not crazy and the disciple reassured him that he was not. When he
arrived at the hospital, he was astonished at the brutality of the doctors. They laid him down and
injected him with a shot that completely weakened him and put him to sleep. Despite all these
disturbing events, Benjamin was determined to take the exam for which he had prepared so hard;
This time he only managed to concentrate for a few tests and he could not do anything for the
others: the injection he had taken was starting to take effect, making him drowsy and he lost
his means.

1-Practical exercise of the followers of the Sufi brotherhoods which allows the disciple to purify
himself in order to get closer to the Most High.

II.

The journey

At the end of the examination, his mother and the famous disciple decided to take him to
Dakar, to see the doctor who had treated him at the screen. They left at night and stopped in
several
cities, including a city called Kaulak, where a great Sufi master resided. Benjamin was still
psychologically disturbed, and he had spectacular convulsions in his face; but also electric
shocks that literally twisted his body. On the way, the disciple was talking to him while driving,
and he was quoting people who had proclaimed themselves to be the mahdi in Senegal, this
caused a deep doubt in him: his convictions that he had at the beginning and his internal state had
evaporated. He now feels a void and a sense of psychological and emotional ruin, as if God who
had suddenly inhabited him, had left him, leaving him in a most miserable state - an obligatory
passage according to the mystics: namely that God makes his servant doubt himself so that he no
longer doubts God and so that he is convinced that without God he is very little.This passage the
prophet himself experienced at the beginning of his mission: at a given moment, God stops the
transmission of his word, leaving him to himself, this period was very painful for him according
to his wife Aicha. The prophet of Islam thought that God had abandoned him and that he was no
longer worthy of carrying the message; so much so that he was tempted to throw himself over a
mountain to end his life; but at each attempt, there was the angel Gabriel who appeared telling
him that he was indeed the messenger of God; these words calmed him and he gave up the act.
When he arrived at his destination, Benjamin tried to understand what was happening to him, but
he did not yet have the keys to put into words what had changed his life. There was always that
disciple who tried to guide him, but he had to find out for himself what he was getting: his heart
was now open to gnosis: the knowledge of the heart. One day the disciple sat down in front of
him, and explained to him that in fact the mahdi, as such, is not a person but a title that God gives
to whomever he wants. And that the light of guidance goes hand in hand with the shadow of
deviance or perversity, the one who carries the light in him carries in the same way the shadow
that gives him his brightness: it is in duality that God created the universe and it is in the harmony
of opposites that beauty is expressed. In spite of these teachings, Benjamin was torn by what his
mother told him: that he was a victim of witchcraft, and that he must cure himself with amulets of
all kinds; a practice totally contrary to the elementary teachings of Islam. But he followed the
indications of his mother, even if his whole being was fiercely opposed to these kinds of
practices, unfortunately the weakness of his psychological state, made him vulnerable and
powerless.

III.

An unexpected encounter

Benjamin and his mother had moved into his uncle's house where he got to know a man, with
whom he had become strongly attached because of the attention, and value that he gave him;
something that his own mother denied him. One day this man told him that he knew a woman
who had had the same mystical experience as him; and because of this, his own parents called
him crazy. While his new friend praised the qualities of this young woman, as well as the trials
she had gone through, Benjamin saw a burning love for this young lady, whom he had never
seen. He was determined to meet her. The following week, his new friend decided to take him
to see this young woman, who lived in a popular area of the city, and Benjamin was very
excited to see her, as if he had known her before in another life. When he arrived at her house,
Benjamin saw her coming out of her room, looked her straight in the eyes and started to engage
in conversation without any complexes, as if he had always known her. The woman was a little
intimidated. Benjamin had this longing to be accompanied, to be loved and listened to; this
woman, although much older than him, was for him the ideal being: in addition to her beauty and
her maturity, she had lived a similar experience. Shortly after having seen the psychologist who
had prescribed him a medicine to remove the side effects of the injection he had taken; and
anxiolytics to calm his anxieties, the trip ended, Benjamin and his family had to return home.
IV.

Going home

After the trip, Benjamin was still upset, he was in a state of psychological and emotional ruin,
and he had difficulty projecting himself into the future; not knowing in which direction to turn
his life. A feeling of powerlessness that would make him understand later that we are living in an
illusion if we believe that we control the events of our life or our journey: everything is already
written and that God decides everything: it is the acceptance of the divine will or our confusion
with the destiny that has been traced for us that makes us reach true freedom. Benjamin had
always wanted to study theology and philosophy at university, but God decided otherwise - it is
through the experience of suffering that God wants to educate the one who wanted to come to
him, with the theoretical knowledge transmitted in universities to the knowledge of the heart that
He alone holds the key. Benjamin will thus enter the most painful phase of his life. A
psychologist would say that he suffers from a deep depression: indeed he does not want to get up,
nor to wash nor to smile, to exist or to see the time passing is unbearable to him. An abysmal
emptiness inhabits him and he feels like committing suicide; not because he wants to die, but to
stop suffering, to have a moment of respite, a little respite. Benjamin took refuge in sleep, in food
and escaped by watching funny or sometimes erotic television programs. But after these few
moments of euphoria, his conscience brought him back to his sad reality. One day, he was fed up
with this morbid life he was leading, so he decided to take advantage of the money his mother
had given him to subscribe again to the channels of Canal Plus, by buying a player in which he
could put lectures of a famous islamologist, professor in Oxford but also audio of relaxation and
hypnosis. He also registered in an association and in a cultural center in which he could read the
books of this author. In spite of his courage and determination, Benjamin could see the weight of
his weaknesses weighing him down, especially his poor ability to concentrate. He had a thirst for
knowledge, but his psychological weaknesses had developed in him an intellectual humility
because he knew he was limited: a quality that he considered a hindrance and a defect, but which
was in fact a condition for the elevation of the spirit: it is when the intelligence becomes humble
that it is possible, with the grace of God, to rise beyond its limits.

V.

Registration at the University

Benjamin's mother decided to enroll him in a university in Senegal after he graduated from high
school, since his attempt to obtain a visa to the United States had failed. This trip was a breath of
hope for him: he hoped to finally resume a normal life and live like others. His psychological
weaknesses still weighed on him, but he was determined to get out of this state. Once settled,
Benjamin was waiting for the university's answer as to whether he would accept his admission to
the Faculty of Arts. During this time, he had set himself a reading program and was doing sports
to fight against the sleep or the desire to do nothing that his depressive state was causing. He read
Tariq Ramadan's texts, listened to his lectures and tried to put the teachings into practice in his
daily life. He prayed and read the Quran at night, and one day while jogging he saw a poster in
which there was an activity to help children get their school supplies, so he decided to offer his
help in this activity: it was an opportunity to make his spirituality visible, because it is not
enough to pray at night but it is also necessary to serve men during the day: "The best of you is
the one who is the most useful to men, as the prophetic tradition emphasizes. As he studied,
played sports and engaged in solidarity, Benjamin saw his psychological state change. He felt
good in his skin and in his mind; a good feeling that he had never felt before even before falling
into a deep depression. And gradually, he began to relive the same spiritual state he was in at the
beginning of the night he prayed over the prophet, but this time the disciple who accompanied
him was not by his side and he wanted to join him. Since his admission to the university was
denied, another blow to him. He no longer understood the meaning of the things that happened to
him, but all
these wounds that he received were only meant to edify him: as the Koran emphasizes: "It may
be that you hate something and it is good for you, and it may be that you love something and it is
bad for you, God knows and you do not know. Benjamin was becoming increasingly agitated,
and his brother, with whom he shared the room, decided to call their mother to inform her of the
situation. She arrived the next day to take him to see a psychologist in Dakar.

VI.

Internment in a psychiatric hospital

The psychologist decided that Benjamin had to be interned in a psychiatric hospital, and for the
first time Benjamin was alone and unaccompanied, but he was inhabited by God, which gave him
the courage and energy to endure the hostility of the psychiatric hospital; not only the morbid
atmosphere that reigned there because of the patients on psychotropic drugs, but the arrogance
and lack of humanity of the doctors who brutalized and humiliated the patients, as if because of
their psychological disorders, they should no longer be considered as human beings. Benjamin
was the only one who was active and energetic, which surprised most of the patients who were
completely transformed into zombies. He talked with them, gave them everything he had, and for
that reason they enjoyed his company. He met a Christian who was particularly lucid, with whom
he discussed religion and philosophy. It was the first time that Benjamin sympathized with a
person of another faith, since he came from a predominantly Muslim country, and people of
other faiths are almost stifled. Benjamin had the chance to experience a verse from the Koran,
which calls for Muslims to show kindness and be fair to those who are not hostile towards them.
Patients and caregivers alike could see that there was something that animated Benjamin, his
spirituality was visible. A value shared by all monotheistic religions as well as Asian
spiritual traditions.

VII.

Return to his father's house

At the end of the hospital stay, Benjamin's mother wanted her son to live with his father, she said
that she was following the psychologist's advice: that her son was hysterical, that he had to get
away from his mother; but Benjamin knew that in reality he was disturbing her image because of
his psychological disorders; she just wanted to get him away from her landscape. Benjamin
returned to his father's house. He was at his worst and completely slumped from the psychotropic
drugs he was taking, giving him a few minutes of euphoria and then plunging him into a deep
sadness. As time went by, Benjamin began to relive the morbid life he had known in the home,
believing that he had overcome this, when in fact he was gradually falling back into a deep
depression. At his father's house, his life consisted of watching TV and serving tea. He had
become a thing, an object to be used and of no value; no one respected him, not his father, not
his aunt and children or even the maid. Every evening he would go to one of the few people who
gave him some attention, with whom he could talk, and laugh to make him forget a little his sad
condition. During this period, he was tempted by all sorts of vices including sex and drugs, the
latter his medication gave him the same effects, but for the first time the suffering was such that
Benjamin began to forget his own values; he who was puritan, now faces his own vulnerability.
Benjamin lived in this ordeal for two years, a new decent to hell. Towards the end of the last
year, he wanted to end this life that was destroying him, so he took advantage of the money sent
to him by his uncle to disappear, no matter where he went, he wanted to be free of his tormentors.

VIII.

Towards freedom

Benjamin had decided to go to the neighboring region. The farther he got from the city where he
was, the lighter he felt, and the more in control of himself: for he was suffering martyrdom in
silence at his father's house. When he arrived in the new city, he didn't know where to go;
everything was blurred in his head, but one thing is sure, he broke a lock and his life was going
to change. He decided to go to a church to find help, there he found the head of the church, with
whom he had a brief conversation; he wanted to know how he could find work in the city; the
priest gave him some advice, but his search was in vain. Benjamin then took refuge in the
mosques, where he spent the night, and meditated on how he would direct his life from then on.
Two days later, his money was running out, and at the same time, he couldn't stay in this city
any longer, so he decided to return home. Since he didn't have enough money for his
transportation
ticket, he sold his tablet given to him by his aunt who had returned from the United States earlier;
after he had the money he needed, he took the bus back home.
 IX.

At her uncle's house: a new life

As soon as he arrived, Benjamin decided to go to his uncle's house, there was no way he was
going to relive the hell he endured at his father's house. A few days later, his father came to his
uncle's house in order to take him home, he categorically refused, and his father left in a rage;
since he had spent days looking for him. The next few days, Benjamin was getting used to the
new environment: he felt comfortable psychologically and for the first time he felt valued. His
parents decided that he should spend some time with his mother, believing that Benjamin's
running away was due to the fact that he needed his mother's closeness; he spent a month with
her, but in spite of Benjamin's psychological distress, his mother showed him only indifference,
disgust and contempt, an icy coldness, and she did not hesitate to throw him murderous sentences
to hurt him. After a month of hardship, Benjamin returned to his uncle's house. He was now in a
serene environment, where no one devalued him, and he felt in his place. The conditions were
right for him to take care of himself, and he decided to educate himself in all aspects of his being:
he played sports, read books, took classes, and was rigorous in his religious practice, and very
helpful at home. All of this made him feel good and valuable. For the first time, Benjamin
felt happy. But his being would really find its spiritual strength during the month of Ramadan.
A
month of blessing that offers Muslims a wonderful opportunity to rise spiritually: this is exactly
what Abdullah experienced during this month, he received from the Most High the enlightenment
of revelation that was a healing to all his psychological imbalances.
Biography

 At 18 years old, Ibrahima had a bright future. He was in his final year of high school in France and
was planning to study philosophy in France when he suffered a psychotic break.  He tried to end his
life to free himself from the weight of his pain and the incomprehension of those around him. He
ended up in a psychiatric hospital where he crossed paths with a psychiatrist who put words without
appeal on his ailment: "angry", "impulsive", "schizophrenia", "bipolarity", he told his parents while
he pummeled him with medication. "Ibrahima is unrecoverable. "All this is false. Ibrahima got out
of it thanks to God and his determination, which gave him the courage to run away when he had the
opportunity and to become again what he was, a "normal" young man, and especially free of drugs.
Today Ibrahima is a computer science student. and peer helper
His story highlights the dangers of over-medication and the codes of psychiatry. It alerts us to the
barbaric practices in force, but also to the fact that those around him are subject to the sacrosanct
medical diagnosis and to the overpowering nature of medicine.
Latest books available in English language:From the shadows to the light (2017),At the dawn of
madness(2020),On the trail of a predestined(2021)