Assertiveness Skills PDF

Assertiveness Skills
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

managementstudyguide.com. www.managementstudyguide.com
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Learning Objectives
What is The Need for Understanding

Assertiveness Self Evaluation
Assertiveness Behavior Patterns
Skills for Art of Assertiveness Action Plan for

Assertiveness Saying “NO” for Effective a New Assertive
Communication You
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

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You can not fix the whole
world but you can help a
small part of it
Assertiveness -
The Middle Ground
between being a
Bully and a Doormat
You can assert yourself
in an area worthwhile
to you
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What is Assertiveness ?
Confirming confidently, positively. Expressing opinions

To defend one’s rights or opinions, or desires strongly and with
sometimes with unnecessary confidence so that people take
zeal….. notice..….
Chambers Dictionary Oxford Advanced

Learners Dictionary
Copyright © 2008 - 2012

All
What is Assertiveness ?
Assertiveness is the ability

An honest, direct, and to communicate your
needs, feelings, opinions,
appropriate expression of and beliefs in an open and
one's feelings, thoughts, honest manner without
and beliefs violating the rights of others
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Assertiveness is NOT…
A guaranteed
A guaranteed way to
win every argument Way to get
what you want
A way to get
others to feel Telling everyone
like you feel everything all the
or think like time
you think
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Assertiveness involves
Saying "yes" when you want Deciding on, and sticking to,
to, and saying "no“ when you
clear boundaries – being
mean "no“
happy to defend your position,
(rather than agreeing
even if it provokes conflict and
to do something just to please being confident about handling
someone else)
conflict if it occurs
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Assertiveness involves
Understanding how to negotiate if two people want different
outcomes
Understanding how to negotiate if two people

want different outcomes
Understanding how to negotiate if two people

want different outcomes
Having a positive, optimistic outlook
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What Assertiveness does not
Involve
Being assertive
does not mean Assertiveness is
violating the not aggressiveness
Rights of others or selfishness
Being assertive
does not involve
humiliating or
abusing other
people
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Learning Objectives


Communication You
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The Need for Assertiveness
The way we …the meek do

communicate with Relationships not inherit the
others and with slowly disintegrate, Earth, they serve
ourselves one failed or those who are
ultimately missing self-confident and
determines the conversation at a self-assertive.
quality of our lives.” time.”
~Susan Scott ~Dean Koontz
~Anthony
Robbins
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Need for Assertiveness
Lack of assertiveness leads to
Depression: Resentment: Frustration: Temper:

feeling helpless anger at others why did I let if you can't express
with no control for taking that happen anger appropriately
over your life advantage of you it can build up to
temper outbursts
Anxiety: Relationships: Stress:

you may avoid when individuals stress can have
certain situations can't tell each a negative impact
which make you other what they on the body
feel uncomfortable want © 2008 - 2012
Copyright
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Benefits of Being Assertive
Makes you feel

better about yourself Propels your career
Minimizes Vaults you into leadership

any unpleasantness position
Helps have better Able to adapt to changing

relations with others social and professional
environments
Freedom from guilt

Reduces stress
conscience as you
know that you are right
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Learning Objectives


Communication You
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Understanding Behavior Patterns
3 Basic Types
Copyright © 2008 - 2012 Passive/

Aggressive Assertive
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Passive Behavior Symptoms
Reluctant to express own opinions,
and feelings
Passive
Often feels used by others
Refrains from complaining

Finds it difficult to refuse the
requests of others
Acquiesces in the views and

desires of the majority
Is submissive in the presence of

aggressive behavior
Frequently makes compromises for

harmony Copyright © 2008 - 2012
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Passive Behavior Reasons
Fear of rejection
Fear of upsetting others
Passive Reasons
Feeling responsible
Inappropriate inner voices
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Aggressive Behavior
Symptoms
Frequently argues with others
Frequently
Aggressive gets angry
Easily and frequently finds fault

with others
No difficulty in complaining when
receiving poor quality
Expects others to accommodate

own schedules
Continually works to personal

agendas at others expense
Rarely feels aware of the needs or

feelings of others Copyright © 2008 - 2012
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Aggressive Behavior
Reasons
Satisfying their own needs
Disregard the needs

of others
Think as superior beings

Aggressive Reasons
Childhood emotional
trauma
Over-correction of being
too passive
Inappropriate dealing with

anger
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Assertive Behavior Symptoms
Able to express desires and
feelings
Able to converse and work well
assertive
with people
Able to disagree with others

respectfully
Aware of the needs and desires of

others
Able to make concessions to others
Able to express a concern or a

need
Able to refuse a request without

feeling guilty Copyright © 2008 - 2012
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Comparison
Passive Assertive Aggressive
Style Not expressing needs Honest, open, direct Domineering, insisting

Self-devaluing Recognises own rights Win / lose
Waiting to be led Listens to others’ Not listening
needs
Non-verbal Small posture Upright, balanced pose Interrupting

behaviour Quiet, hesitant voice Firm, clear voice Loud
Little eye contact Steady eye contact Staring, pointing
Language Sorry to bother you I believe/need/I’d like That won’t work

… No (when appropriate) You can’t be serious
I can’t seem to … Open questions Your problem / fault
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It’s only my opinion
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Transactional Analysis
I am Assertive
Aggressive OK
You’re You’re
Not OK OK
Passive/ Passive
Aggressive I am
Not OK
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Learning Objectives


Communication You
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Evaluating Yourself
Assertiveness Test
1. . Can you express negative feelings about other people
and their behaviors without using abusive language?
2. Are you able to exercise and express your strengths?
3. Can you easily recognize and compliment other

people’s achievements?
4. Do you have the confidence to ask for what is

rightfully yours?
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Evaluating Yourself
Assertiveness Test
.
5. Can you accept criticism without being defensive?
6. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments?
7. Are you able to stand up for your rights?
8. Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests from

friends, family, or co-workers?
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Evaluating Yourself
Assertiveness Test
.
9. Can you comfortably start and carry on a conversation
with others?
10. Do you ask for assistance when you need it ?
If your answer is YES to all 10 questions, then You

are already practicing Assertiveness Skils.
More than 3 NO s for these 10 questions

indicates a need to understand and
acquire Assertiveness
Copyright © 2008 - 2012Skills
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Evaluating Yourself
Non Assertiveness Test
.
1. Do you buy things you do not want because you are
afraid to say no to the salesperson?
2. When you do not understand the meaning of a word,

do you ask about it?
3. Do you feel responsible when things go wrong, even

if it is not your fault?
4. Do you look directly at others when you talk to them?
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Evaluating Yourself
Non Assertiveness Test
.
5. Do you often text or email someone about a conflict
instead of talking to them face to face?
6. Do you feel intimidated by people in authority?
7. Do you generally have a poor and clumsy posture?
8. Do you often feel so angry you could scream?
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Evaluating Yourself
Assertiveness Test
.
9. Do you feel dependant when asking for help from
others?
10. If someone cuts in front of you in line, do you usually

tell them off?
If your answer is YES to more than 5 of these

questions, then your Assertiveness quotient is low.
Your behavior pattern may be tending

towards passive/ submissive or purely
Aggressive.
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Know Your Basic Rights
To Assert
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Learning Objectives


Communication You
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Skills for Assertiveness
Affirmations Techniques
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Liberation Cycle of
Assertiveness
POSITIVE AFFIRMATION
'I am assertive’
POSITIVE RESULTS Assertiveness POSITIVE EXPECTATIONS

'I have been assertive' Cycle 'I am persuasive when
necessary'
ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOUR
'I can understand
Copyright © 2008 -your
2012 view
but my position is .....' www.managementstudyguide.com
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Power of Affirmations
Better
Positive
for
Become
Improve
Cast
Gainoffself-
your
the
our
affirmations
our mental
inner
own
confidence
limitations
person
voices
well-being
give hope
Use Positive
Affirmations
Regularly
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Affirmations for Work
I am a competent and confident person
I am an attractive and interesting person
People listen to what I have to say
At meetings I make a significant contribution
Some of these
I am independent of the approval of others affirmations may
appeal, others
may not.
I can always find opportunities in situations of change
Develop a set for
yourself
I am creating my desired future Copyright © 2008 - 2012
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Affirmations for Life
I am what I am
I am at one with myself and my world
I respect myself and all living things
In loving myself I love others
Some of these
I am continually developing towards my inner self affirmations may
appeal, others
may not.
In giving I achieve more
Develop a set for
yourself
I am open to the opportunities thisCopyright
day brings
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Skills for Assertiveness
Driving Force 1 Disagreeing

1
gracefully
I statements
Negative assertion
Negative inquiry
Fogging
Broken record
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DESC (Describe, Express,
Specify, Clarify)managementstudyguide.com. www.managementstudyguide.com
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DESC
D Describe the actions

or behaviour that you
see as taking place
Express why that

E behaviour is an issue
Specify the resulting

actions or change of
S behaviour you would
like to effect
Clarify the consequences for

C failing to change behaviour
or meet demands
C Copyright © 2008 - 2012
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Broken Record
1. Repeat yourself again and

again and again, until the person
Broken Record gives in or concedes to your demands.
2. Most people capitulate after

you repeat yourself three times.
Broken record is particularly useful when:

•Dealing with those in authority
•You are not getting what you are entitled to
•Dealing with people brighter or more fluent than you
•The other person is likely to use put-downs
Because you just have to repeat yourself,

broken record is really easy to use.
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Broken record
EXAMPLE
Broken Record You: ‘The program was not up to standard,

and we did not cover all the elements said
in the brochure so I want a refund.’
Reply: ‘Other people have not complained,
in fact some of the evaluations are excellent.’
You: ‘They might be, but I want a refund

because the work was not up to standard.’
Reply: ‘In my opinion as a course tutor
the course was up to standard.’
You: ‘I can appreciate that is your

opinion but I want a refund.’
Reply: ‘It is not our policy to give refunds.’
You: ‘That may be your policy but I want
a refund.’
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Fogging
1. Fogging is useful when

Fogging someone is putting pressure
on you to do something
2. Thus your response to the
request is to put up a fog
Listen to what the person says, and decide

whether or not you wish to comply. If not,
then using their words, or similar, acknowledge
their need but state your case.
This method is a very polite method of

saying ‘No’.
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Negative Enquiry
Enquiry is real fun.

Negative
Enquiry You invite extra criticism and/or
examples so that you have the
benefit of additional feedback.
ACCUSATION REPLY
• ‘You’re lazy’ • ‘Oh really, in what way?’
• ‘You’re always late’ • ‘Always? How do you
know that for a fact?’
• ‘You’re stupid’ • ‘My understanding may
be different from yours,
what exactly do you mean
by that?’
• ‘You’re selfish’ • ‘Can you explain why
this particular instance
has caused you to
brand me with
Copyright © such
2008 - a
2012
label?’
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Negative Assertion
1. When people call us names,
or give us negative labels, we usually
wish to defend ourselves
Negative 2. Aggressive or manipulative people who
Assertion do this to us soon find our weak spots.
3. Negative assertion is like jujitsu where you
use the power of your protagonist to turn the
situation to your advantage
4. No one is perfect, so in negative assertion
All you do is accept the part of the that is true,
in a matter of fact way
Look at the examples:
‘If you think that, you must be stupid’
You: ‘I admit I’m not the brightest person
around’
‘And you are always making mistakes’
You: ‘Yes, I do make mistakes
occasionally’
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I Statements
I Statements 1. ‘I’ statements are among

the most powerful you can
make, both for yourself and others
2. In ‘I’ statements you are
affirming who you are
and what you want.
‘I’ statements can be used

in a variety of ways:
● Situation
● Interpretation and understanding
● Feelings and emotions
● Wants and needs
● Future actions
Using them is the

hallmark
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I Statements
Situation
Future Actions
● ‘I get the impression you are not
interested’
● ‘I want you to pay attention’ ● ‘I have the feeling you don’t want my
● ‘I want your full co-operation’ ideas’
● ‘I want you to be on time’ ● ‘I think you are ignoring me’
The strength of these
statements is that they let the These statements are powerful
other person know your exact because you’re describing your
interpretation of a situation, not
position and what you expect.
I just the situation itself.
Interpretation and
Wants and needs
understanding
● ‘I feel betrayed’ Feelings and emotions •‘I have been asked to work late three
● ‘I feel taken advantage of’ times this week’
● ‘I want you to pay attention’ ● ‘I see that I have been passed over
● ‘I feel angry, disappointed,
● ‘I want your full co-operation’ for promotion again’
cross, annoyed’
● ‘I want you to be on time’ ● ‘I notice that you have not spoken to
This is not about feelings, but
The strength of these statements is me for three days’
really a way to express your
that they let the other person know Situation statements are powerful
opinion more strongly. Again,
your exact because they are factual and, as an
these statements are powerful
position and what you expect. observation on
because they are non- Copyright © 2008 - 2012
negotiable or irrefutable. your part, they are non-negotiable.
All
I statements
Situation:
Want:
Feelings:
‘I see
Interpretation:
‘So
Future I that‘I
want
feel
‘IAction:
think isyou
this to
you ‘Ithe
do amare
disappointed
whattime
going toI ask
trying
third
and annoyeddoyou as
littleeven
report
have
that ifnot
asI you I’mif to
possible
have
younotdotherethis to
without
repeat
done
again’
supervise as me’
I
myself’
requested’
you’
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Disagreeing Gracefully
1. Occasionally there will

Disagreeing be disagreements
Gracefully 2. Acquiescing or, the opposite,
attacking, are not constructive
responses.
Following a simple step-by-step process will help

you put your case without getting emotional,
losing your integrity or losing your respect for the
other person.
The Process
1. Affirmative Statement
2. Softening Statement
3. Indicate Process
4. State Reasons
5. Disagree
6. Offer a compromise*
•The compromise is optional
and it is for you to decide
whether or not to make a
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concession.
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Disagree Affirmative Statement
•This is simply saying ‘YES’. It might
Do not apologize or use sound strange saying this when you
tentative language here. Use are
the strongest language that •disagreeing. But if you say ‘NO’ the
you can, remembering to other person immediately goes into
argument mode
accompany what you have said
•and is less likely to listen. You are
with appropriate body using ‘yes’ to prepare them for what
language. Here are some you are going to
examples: •say, not to indicate that you agree
● ‘So I cannot agree with you’ with them.
● ‘So I must disagree’
● ‘So I think you are mistaken’
The two letters of the adverb
The Softening
State Reasons Statement
Most people’s views are influenced by
Here you simply give the Indicate Process their background, experience or
profession. You can show that you
reasons or justification for your This explains to the person the
recognize this within the context of a
position. This can either be process you will use to outline your
done in a straightforward way, position or your reasons for the softening statement. Here are some
examples:-
or you can give a balanced view stance that you have taken. Here are
● ‘As an engineer I can understand why
of pros and cons, some examples:
you take such a position’
explaining why you have come ● ‘If I may, I would like to say
● ‘As someone much older than myself,
down on the side that you have. something about that ...’
● ‘Let meCopyright
give you ©my2008 - 2012
reasons’ with different values, I can understand
where you come from’
All
Disagreeing EXAMPLES
Gracefully Position: ‘I don’t think you
should go out tonight’
Affirmative 1. ‘Yes’
Softening 2. ‘I can quite understand why you would like
me to stay in and keep
you company as I have done the last three Saturdays’
Indicate 3. ‘Let me explain why tonight is so important to
me’
State 4. ‘I particularly want to see this production of
Macbeth because it has
had excellent reviews and if I don’t see it tonight I will
miss it’
Disagree 5. ‘So I have decided that I am going to go out’
Compromise 6. ‘But I am more than happy to keep you
company tomorrow.’
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Learning Objectives


Communication You
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The Art of Saying “ NO”
Passive NO – accompanied by
weak excuses and
rationalizations.
Say Aggressive NO - Done with

contempt
”NO” Assertive NO - is simple and

direct
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“Neither Nice Nor Nasty”
Checklist for when you want to say `NO’:
Do I really want this or am I pleasing someone else?
What is the benefit to me of saying ‘yes’?
If I do it will I enjoy it?
Do I have to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ right now?
Do I need more information before I make my decision?
Do I want an alternative?
What is the cost of saying ‘no’? Copyright © 2008 - 2012

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Four Steps To Saying “No”
.
Listen to the request - Make sure you understand the request
completely before coming to a hasty conclusion. Clarify if needed.
Say no immediately - You do not need to justify your decision. If

you start doing so, you will prolong the conversation unnecessarily.
Give a reason for your refusal – Without giving a reason, you may
come off as uncooperative or hostile. A clear and honest reason.
Offer to find an alternative – Let the other party know that you will try
to help them but you are Copyright
unable to perform the entire request.
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Practical Tips for Saying “ NO”
Never say Yes

when you want
Stay
Start
Do resolved
Not
your Feel
to say Useelse
an you
notAsklet time
sentence
shy. being
Most to “
with
will
empathetic
resent and
aThink
pushed
people it over”
NO hesitate
over.
repent
response.what
to say NO.
you agreed to
do.
Just Say NO
When You
Want TO…
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Body language while saying NO
Practical Tips for everyone
Shake your Never smile Avoid nods

head “no” when saying and Aha s
when you NO, it weakens when about
say NO. the message. to say NO.
Stand up if Preempt your NO

other person when you sense
is up to make unjustified
level eye burden
contact while is heading
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saying NO. your way.All
Other Assertive Words
“Thank You” ‘Thank you’ is an interesting

phrase. We are brought up
to say ‘please’ when we want
something. But, if we say
‘please’ we are asking the
person for something.
The ‘thank
. you’ becomes assumptive.
In other words you assume that what
you ask for will be done or given.
Judicial use of ‘thank you’ can be exceptionally
powerful.
• ‘I would like to be quiet now. Thank you.’
• ‘I would like you to help me. Thank you.’
• ‘I want you to pay attention. Thank you.’
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The conjunction ‘if’ is exceptionally
powerful when you want to make a
concession or give something away.
“If”
The ‘if’ acts as a piece of elastic with
which you can pull back the concession,
if you don’t get what you want.
In life most of us let people have the ‘pudding’ first,

hoping that they will do the decent thing and give us
what we want. If only life was that simple!
● ‘If you do this then I will ...’

● ‘If you work harder I will ...’
● ‘If you co-operate you can have ...’
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”When”
This is another conjunction which is the

same as `if’ when you make it conditional.
It has the same power:
● ‘When you ...’

● ‘When the work has been completed ...’
● ‘When you stop making accusations ...’
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Learning Objectives


Communication You
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Assertiveness Skills for Better
Communication
Assertive,
Well
Non
Fact
Genuine
Respectful
Elements
Thought
Aggressiv of
based
out
Effective
e
Communication
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Non Verbal Aspects of
Assertiveness
Eye Contact Voice Tone Posture Position and Facial

Space Expression
-Passive uses -Non Assertive -Passive: Fold -Respect -Face should

very little : Too Soft, in themselves keeping on the reflect the
-Aggressive Hard to hear and make same level. emotion being
never drops -Aggressive: small fidgets. -Sit down if expressed.
eye contact Too Loud -Aggressive: the other is. -“I am Angry”
-Assertive -Assertive: Confront and -Stand up needs serious
person uses effective tone stand up. when the expression.
about 50 % of modulation Assertive: other is. “Delighted”
the time Stand up tall -keep arms needs a happy
straight. distance expression
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Non Verbal Assertiveness
Gestures:
Notice these Gestures while interacting
Hands on hips: Aggressive
Nodding head : Yes
Pointing with a pen in a

aggressive gesture
Pointing with a pen in a

aggressive gesture
Clinching fist
Shaking Head : NO
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Verbal Assertive
Communication
Restatement: Clarification:
Say back to the pother Ask the speaker to be more
person what you have definitive about a point or to
heard him or her say. clear up an assumption that
you are making or a conclusion
that you are drawing.
Reflection:
Indicate what you both saw,
heard and interpreted when
the other person spoke. Copyright © 2008 - 2012
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Elements of Assertive
Communication
Soft Basic Empathetic Escalating Confrontive

Assertion Assertion Assertion Assertion Assertion
This is a kind of This is more of a This is the most This kind of This is a type of
statement that does simple statement effective type of assertion has a statement which is
not require conveying what you assertion one can specific made when a
anything of the want out of a make. It tries to consequence mutual agreement
listener. situation. Simplicity imagine how the attached to it. has been violated.
- A T-Shirt with remains the key to other person may - “If you get this -“We had decided
“Save Whales” this kind of feel. proposal accepted to complete the
written on it does assertion. - “I Know that you I’ll see to it that you quarterly reports by
not demand any -“ I don’t want to may be feeling get a hike in the Friday cease work.
action from you but frustrated with so forthcoming Since that has not
go to the movie this
lets you know the many attempts, but review.” happened so far we
weekend”
stand of the person I just don’t want to will have to work
wearing it. leave any stone over the weekend”
unturned.”
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Accepting responsibility by
Negative Assertion
A negative assertion is essentially accepting the responsibility
of a mistake that has been committed.
When George When it is difficult

Washington For people to say
”I’m Sorry” they
said “I’m sorry Dad,
avoid negative
I chopped down the
assertion in a
cherry tree.” it was manner that
a case of negative hurts others feelings.
assertion. -“I’m Sorry you
felt that way but I
had to…..”
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Learning Objectives


Communication You
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10 Step Action Plan
Step 9 : Boost Confidence Step 8 : Gather Feedback Step 7: Get a Guru Step 6: Compliment often
•Make efforts to boost self •Make a list of people whom •Find out one person whom •List people who matter and
esteem by adopting image you trust and ask their frank you really admire and request think 3 good things for each.
enhancement measures. and correct feedback. his mentorship. -Compliment at least 3 people
•Work out to get in shape, •Ask about your strengths, •Discuss your goals, ambitions, everyday..
take care in your dressings confidence, assertiveness. objectives and problems with -Make use of ‘I’ statements
and personality traits. •Work on them seriously. your Guru.
Step 10 : Be at It
•Remember to practice your
assertiveness skills on all
occasions.
•Continual practice will help
gain confidence faster.
Step 5: Meet Problems

Upfront
•Confront particular situations,
persons whenever possible.
•You will sharpen your
assertiveness skills and in
turn build up confidence.
Step 1: Maintain Record Step 2 : Inspiration form Step 3: Note to Analyze Step 4: Look back
•Maintain a log of all your Idols •Think what you want. •At the end of each day look
affirmations, goals, •Read up on all your heroes & •Script out what to say. back.
ambitions, rights, idols. •Learn your script. •Analyze the various aspects.
achievements etc •Practice
Copyright © 2008
•Make a list of values, - 2012your script verbally. •Practice and rehearse
•Read and update this •Practice your
managementstudyguide.com.
affirmations and attitudes to All script with on the new responses.
record regularly. inspire you to follow.
appropriate body language.
Be
Assertive
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Assertiveness Skills

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

What is The Need for Understanding

Skills for Art of Assertiveness Action Plan for

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Confirming confidently, positively. Expressing opinions

Chambers Dictionary Oxford Advanced

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Assertiveness is the ability

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Understanding how to negotiate if two people

Understanding how to negotiate if two people

Having a positive, optimistic outlook

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

What is The Need for Understanding

Skills for Art of Assertiveness Action Plan for

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

The way we …the meek do

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Depression: Resentment: Frustration: Temper:

Anxiety: Relationships: Stress:

Makes you feel

Minimizes Vaults you into leadership

Helps have better Able to adapt to changing

Freedom from guilt

What is The Need for Understanding

Skills for Art of Assertiveness Action Plan for

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

Copyright © 2008 - 2012 Passive/

Refrains from complaining

Acquiesces in the views and

Is submissive in the presence of

Frequently makes compromises for

Fear of upsetting others

Inappropriate inner voices

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Easily and frequently finds fault

Expects others to accommodate

Continually works to personal

Rarely feels aware of the needs or

Disregard the needs

Think as superior beings

Inappropriate dealing with

Able to disagree with others

Aware of the needs and desires of

Able to make concessions to others

Able to express a concern or a

Able to refuse a request without

Style Not expressing needs Honest, open, direct Domineering, insisting

Non-verbal Small posture Upright, balanced pose Interrupting

Language Sorry to bother you I believe/need/I’d like That won’t work

What is The Need for Understanding

Skills for Art of Assertiveness Action Plan for

Copyright © 2008 - 2012

2. Are you able to exercise and express your strengths?

3. Can you easily recognize and compliment other

4. Do you have the confidence to ask for what is

6. Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments?

7. Are you able to stand up for your rights?

8. Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests from