Framing the
Family Tree
How Teachers Can Be Sensitive
to Students’ Family Situations
by Sudie Hofmann
'y 7-year-old daughter came home from school
Me a handmade calico tie for her dad for
Father's Day. The oversized tie was carefully cut
from the blue and orange fabric and edged using a pink-
ing shears. She had used puff paints to write “I Love You
Dad” down the center of the ti. A glob of paint on the
corner of the capital D still appeared wet.
“Let's give it to Dad on Father's Day,” she said. | told
her we would, but I hoped she would forget by Sunday.
She didn’t. We made the trip to visit her father that day,
9596 The New Teacher Book
and as I drove the six short blocks, I looked at the mist
forming on the windshield and wondered how this could
be any more painful.
‘My daughter grabbed the tie and a roll of masking
tape I had put in the back seat. She walked over to the
gravestone, which read “If Love Could Have Saved You,
You Never Would Have Died.” She tried to attach the tie
to the smooth granite headstone with the tape, but the
rain prevented her from perfectly positioning the tie over
her dad's name. Our shared frustration and grief forced us
back into the car.
‘When we reached home, I felt so much anger toward
the Ist-grade teacher, who chose to see the world in one
unrealistic way. Why did she assume that all 22 children in
her class have a dad—or a dad who is present in their lives?
I thought back to an experience of a childhood friend.
Her father died when she was in grade school, but the
school carried on with its annual ‘Draw Your Dad’ event.
‘The students drew their fathers on butcher paper, using
photos as a guide, and hung the sketches in the gymnasium.
On a special night, fathers came to school and attempted
to find themselves displayed on the walls of the gym. My
friend drew her father, not knowing how to approach the
teacher about the dilemma she would face the night of the
event, That night she sat quietly on a folding chair, count-
ing the minutes until she could go home.
Tnever imagined that more than 30 years later I would
‘experience the same insensitivity when my daughter's
teacher would ignore the statement I had written on the
form I sent to school the very first day: “very sensitive
about not having a father.”
A.Child’s Family
Families are groupings of individuals who may or may
not be living together, but are perceived by the child to
be “family.” They may be permanent, temporary, or fluid.
Chilkiren define their families as units that include adults
who make them feel safe and happy. They want stability,Framing the Family Tree 97
tradition, and love. Many children get this in large doses,
and for others it’s more elusive. Even in cases of abuse,
children may still choose to be with their “family.” As chil-
deen from all types of families face challenges at home, the
school setting should be one that offers comfort and that
validates all family structures.
“Teachers can walk a fine line between validating all
types of families and singling out students for that valida-
tion. By providing appropriate curriculum, media materi-
als, and visual images in the classroom, teachers can send
4 powerful message about respect and diversity without
embarrassing students or violating their privacy.
Although some teacher preparation programs mention
the issue of family diversity, not enough teaching practice
takes the diversity of families into account. For example,
teachers routinely assign family tree projects, possibly
without realizing the confusion and pain these projects
‘cause for some children. Issues of adoption or family of
origin can present unique and sensitive dynamics in these
types of class assignments. Such projects have the poten-
tial ro engender ridicule or teasing from peers, especially if
teachers don’t actively intervene in discussions.
Of course, many teachers who assign personal “fam-
ily” projects are replicating practices that have worked
well for some students over the years. The calico tie or
family tree project may be more indicative of an organi-
zation’s unexamined practices than any social statement
about families on the part of the teacher.
Advocates for Each Other
Both parents and teachers can support each other in
challenging activities and school events that might make
children or parents feel unweleome or uncomfortable.
For example, parents should be alert to any forms sent
home or letters to parents that are not inclusive or that
make assumptions about families. Parents outside of dis-
enfranchised communities need to advocate for other
parents who face discrimination. Gay, lesbian, bisexual,98 The New Teacher Book
and transgender (GLBT) parents will not always feel safe
identifying themselves as members of this community, or
blended families might not feel any discussion with the
school is necessary to explain who the students” biologi-
cal or stepparents are. Nonspecific, open terms such as
“adult at home” or “friends and families” to include, for
example, children of partners of single parents should be
used on school forms and flyers for school events. This is a
school community issue and all parents can promote inclu-
sive language. Images around the school can celebrate a
wide variety of families, and school administrators should
support the teachers who make the effort to be inclusive,
Even progressive schools, recognizing the diversity
in families, will attempt to modify traditional activities
to accommodate certain students—like telling students
they can pick whom to give their Mother's Day gifts to.
Although well-intentioned, this approach has the potential
to increase feelings of alienation and discomfort, not mini-
mize them. Telling a student to select someone else in his
or her life who is a close approximation to the person that
the majority of students in the class will choose does not
ameliorate the situation,
1 asked an elementary teacher for feedback on how I
could address this perceived problem in the most sensitive
way. After she thought for a moment she said: “You know,
I think we often overlook issues of family diversity because
they are not as obvious to us as other issues of diversity.
We have leadership and resources for other topics of
equity and culture, but because our students are so private
in many ways about what is going on at home, we don’t
necessarily think about it when planning curriculum.” She
suggested moving away from projects that might single out
students and agreed that the “alternative” project for the
students who do not fit the norm can be hurtful.
Beyond Mother's and Father's Days
Any classroom activity that requires personal information
about a child’s family life may need to be carefully assessed.Framing the Family Tree 99
In addition to the ubiquitous Mother’s and Father's Day
projects, many teachers in the lower grades have students
create family photo albums. Without awareness on the
part of the teacher, these projects might create feelings of
insecurity or even anguish.
In any casc, we should clearly delineate the educa-
tional benefits of projects that involve children’s private
lives. Ifthe goal is to inform students about the diversity in
families, maybe students could conduct research and pres-
ent theit work in creative ways such as creating collages of
different families. Or teachers could ask students to design
their own worksheets for reviewing picture books and
popular films.
If the goal is to inform students about the value of
their own families, there may be constructive approaches
to achieving this goal without requiring that the stu-
dents divulge personal information. Offering a variety of
options—such as personal essays with some measure of
anonymity—during a unit on families might give students
a welcome alternative. Teachers can offer support and let
students know they are available to tall with them or help
them find additional help through the school psychologist
or social worker.
As we recognize the fluidity of defining families, we
can also recognize the ever-changing solutions to address-
ing social issues in the schools. If we attempt to engage
in dialogue with students and other teachers about these
issues, we will find that we learn something new about
other people's realities and about our own.100 the New Teacher Book
QIA
What do | do when | realize I've made a mistake
with a child?
Since you are a person and not some trained robot,
chances are that you will make mistakes, such as losing,
your cool or saying something that you really did not
‘mean to say to a student, We really should try to keep
these to a minimum, but when you do make a mistake it
is important to acknowledge your error publicly.
One time, for example, I made a comment to a stu-
dent in front of our class and as soon as I said it, I knew
I shouldn't have. T should have been able to control my
anger, but I didn’t. It was right before lunch, so I had
time to consider what I would say upon the students’
return to the classroom.
I didn’t make a big dramatic scene, but I did apolo-
ize in front of everyone. I explained that I had lost my.
‘temper. I said that I expected more of the student and
his behavior, but more of myself, too. I asked, in front
of his peers, if he would accept my apology. He did and
we moved on.
It wasn't easy admitting I was wrong in front of 27
kkids, but I thought it was important for them to see me
as human. It also helped with discipline. When I later
had to ask a student to apologize to another for lack
of respect of property, feelings, or personal space, the
students had already seen me do the same. And they had
seen one of their classmates accept an apology rather
than continue a cycle of anger and revenge. More often
than not, my students were willing to patch things up
right there.
—Stephanie Walters
It depends on whether the mistake was made in public
and whether it embarrassed or humiliated the student,
If you messed up in public in a way that was hurtful toa
student, then you have to try to correct it in public—to
the extent possible, For example, as a new teacher you