01.

14 Final Draft
Alright, here’s the thing, there is no ‘Once upon a Time,’ or ‘Long, long ago in a magical
world far, far away,’ or any of that bull crap. I am the Roman god of death and wealth, Pluto.
Anyways, I was standing at the gates of the Underworld, waiting, since it was my turn to have
the sweet Proserpina, my niece, stay with me. With my guards at my sides I watched at Ceres,
my sister, walk up to the gate. “Hello dear sister, it’s good to see you again.” I smile despite the
absolute loathing I felt. She hates me, I hate her, just a usual brother sister relationship to me.
The look in her eyes was something else though, for a goddess that was supposed to bring
life, she looked as if she were trying to end me, “Despite being my brother, you steal my child
for half the year and expect me to just hand her over without any kind of fight or anger. You are
wretched and horrible and deserve to rot here… alone.” I could see her grip tighten on
Proserpina who was visibly uncomfortable to her.
“Mom, it’s time for me to go,” She pried her mother’s hand from hers. With the click of a key
I opened the wrought iron gates, letting in my niece who hopped into my arms. She gripped my
heavy robes in her small fingers as she waved goodbye to her mother. I shifted her from hip to
hip and began the long walk to the castle.

The second we set foot inside the castle, Proserpina jumped down and ran looking for what
I hoped was Cerberus. There were squeals of happiness as Cerberus licked her with all three of
his long dripping tongues. My nose curled at the smell of his nasty dog slobber. “Oh c’mon
Cerberus! She just got here! She doesn’t need to smell like death already.”
“I don’t mind Uncle Pluto,” She said as she began trying to scratch behind all six of his
ears, “it means that he likes me.”
I sat on my throne of scorched bones and watched her play with Cerberus. It was sweet
and special. Despite having her here, sitting in front of me, I could feel that hole in my chest, still
sucking in every emotion I felt. The only way to describe the feeling would be hollow and empty
as if I were a tree and my center had rotted away. I felt the guilt of what I had done, and it was
slowly crushing me.
Over the months of Proserpina being here, I still had the feeling once every so often, but it
had become less and less, but when it hit, it was like being run over by a thousand chariots. My
heart would hurt, and I would have to leave little Proserpina so that I could think. What had I
done? Because of me and my selfishness the world above was cold and frozen, people were
dying, and it was my fault. I sat with my head in my hands and felt Proserpina’s small soft warm
hands. “Uncle? Are you alright?” Her bright red hair was pulled into a loose braid and her pale
face matched mine with a splash of freckles across her nose and cheeks. Warmth radiated from
her, unlike the world around her which was cold and dark.
I nodded, “I'm fine, darling.”
She began to pout, and I saw her mother in her warm brown eyes, like amber set into her
face, “Liar,” She sat on my lap and hugged me, “I may be a kid, but you can talk to me, I'm a
god too.”
 My lip wobbled as I let the truth spill from my mouth, “I feel guilty for what I’ve caused, my
sister hates me, you hate it here—”
“I never said that,” She said as she cocked her head to the side, “I don’t mind it here at all. I
get to spend time wit my bestest friends.”
“Your what now?” I was confused, I had never heard the term and yet I felt like it held
weight to my niece.
“My bestest friends, you and Cerberus!” She began to smile brighter, and I finally felt like
the chains of my own feelings had finally let me free, that rotten feeling in my chest was gone,
like I had been renewed. I hugged her tight and was actually smiling. It was as if her warmth had
spread to me, setting my heart a flame.
“Let’s go find Cerberus and go steal a couple of guards heads.” I got up, carefully sliding
her from my lap so that she was standing, she began running down the halls, filling them with
laughter and happiness yet again, it was the most wonderful feeling in the world, to feel free
from your own thoughts, like a bird freed from a cage left to fly anywhere it wanted to. Over the
time we had left, we played games from early in the morning and well into the night. With spirits
lifted, both literally and metaphorically, I heard the clock ring through the halls, it was the last
day, I had been enjoying myself so much, I had forgotten about the passing of time.
Proserpina sighed, and gathered the few things she was going to take with her and
grabbed my hand, “It’s time to go already?”
I nodded sadly in agreement, “Yes, the overworld needs to be warmed once more.” I
walked her to the gates, hand in hand, with Cerberus following close behind who pawed and
whined as if he knew what was about to happen. I opened the gates with the click of a key yet
again, “It’s time, go on now.”
Proserpina looked between me and her mother and jumped into my arms, “I had a
wonderful time, see you in six months, Uncle Pluto.” She hopped down and ran out to her
mother. I stood there with tears in my eyes.
“Goodbye brother.” Ceres sneered, but my sister’s hatred towards me was the last thing on
my mind. I had made my niece happy. She had enjoyed herself and honestly that was all that
mattered to me.

Analysis
1. Voice
a. Read your story and identify the voice you are using. In one or two sentences,
describe how you want your voice to sound.
i. I wanted my story to sound as if the narrator, Pluto, is stressed, and I feel as if I
accomplished that.
b. Based on your description, identify two ways you can improve your writing to make
this voice more clear in your story.
 i. I could do more internal monologue and give more terms that lead the reader to
that conclusion.
2. Word Choice
a. Paste one paragraph that you feel could use more interesting word choice below.
Revise it with more vivid wording. Pay particular attention to places where you might
switch to more active verbs, use precise language, include strong details, employ
figurative language, or add dialogue.
i. “Goodbye brother.” Ceres sneered, but my sister’s hatred towards me was the
last thing on my mind. I had made my niece happy. She had enjoyed herself and
honestly that was all that mattered to me.
ii. “Goodbye brother.” Ceres sneered, her contempt seemed stronger than the last
time we had spoken, as if the coldness of the world above had frozen her heart
as well. Though having spent the last six months with Proserpina, my sister’s
hatred for was the last thing on my mind for I was filled with happiness and
warmth from knowing I had made my niece happy. And in all honesty, that was
all that mattered to me.
3. Organization
a. Outline your story in the following way:
i. First…
1. Proserpina arrives in the Underworld and Pluto and Ceres have a little spat.
ii. Then…
1. Pluto carries Proserpina to the castle in the Underworld who then finds
Cerberus while Pluto starts to feel guilty because of what he did.
iii. And then…
1. While feeling particularly guilty, Pluto confesses his guilt which caused her to
admit how she truly sees Pluto
iv. Finally…
1. Pluto is happy and spends the rest of the time that Proserpina is there playing
with her till the last day. As she leaves, she tells Pluto how happy she was
and that she would see him in six months.
b. Identify places in your story organization where the series of events could be clearer.
i. The point where Pluto is overwhelmed by his own guilt could need a bit more
clarification.
4. Transitions
a. Paste the transitions you have used to move between ideas in your story.
i. The second we set foot inside the castle,
 ii. Over the months of Proserpina being here,
iii. Over the time we had left,
b. Identify any places in your story where you are not using clear transitions. Write new
transitions for those parts and paste them here.
i. I think I have good transitions through out the story.
5. Grammar, Structure, Punctuation, Spelling
a. Identify any errors in your writing mechanics and correct them here.
i. I had forgotten a comma after a transition, but other than that I don’t think I
missed anything