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David and I have been studying war and violence since 1979, and
David has studied aggression since the early 1970s. During the
process of this work, especially our early work on nuclear war and
deterrence theory, we became aware that much violence occurs
under the rubric of revenge or justice.
What do you do if you find out that you have hurt or harmed
somebody, and you want to revive the relationship or even improve
it? How do you make a complete, complex, and healing apology
that addresses the injured party's pain and possible need for
retaliation?
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The Forgiveness Protocol: How to Apologize When You Have Hurt or ... about:reader?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fu...
Here it is:
3. Say you are sorry again. Be prepared to say this many times.
4. Tell the other person exactly how you understand the costs of your
behavior, and allow the other person to vent, elaborate, or reiterate
as needed so that the other person really feels heard.
5. Clarify with the other person if the behavior was a simple accident,
a mistake, a mistaken calculation of costs and benefits, or a
deliberate deed. This part is not easy and takes time and attention.
"Thoughtlessness" is one of the most common sources of
problems, and may reflect recurrent self-centeredness. Intentional
acts of revenge or malice also require great insight to acknowledge.
7. Describe what you have learned from the incident. Show insight
and awareness, or yourself and your mistake, and the other person
and his/her pain.
Too many people believe that simply saying sorry one time should
suffice, if we have hurt somebody's feelings. However, the legal
code is more clear: If you hurt somebody's car, you have to pay the
damages. It can be difficult to itemize emotional costs, but to heal, it
must be done.
Take it, try it. Put it up on your refrigerator. Teach it to your children.
Since we all make dreadful mistakes sometimes, it is important to
know how to make a cogent apology. It is one of the pathways to
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