MARITAL ABUSE IN THE NIGERIAN CHURCH: CAUSES & REMEDIES

A RECENT EXPERIENCE
A very close person to me once told me how much abuse he was
experiencing from his wife. It was terrible. To protect the wife, he refused to
expose the crisis until it reached a climax, after which he invited me to his
house. When I saw the innocent wife, I said to myself, "this woman can't be
doing all what this man had told me". Not until the next morning when I
went to the kitchen to get some water. She jumped out of her room;
screamed to the kitchen, "who is that in my kitchen”? I replied, "I just want
to get some water". To my surprise, she gave me a strict warning never to
try that rubbish with her again. I quietly went into my room, packed my
bags, and called the man to inform him that I was leaving. The man
laughed at me, because, according to me, it was good for me to experience
what had just happened since I had refused to believe all his experiences
with the same woman.

Later on, we separated, only for him to reach out to me again few years
later that the wife had grown worse. So, in 2016, I went to Nigeria for an
important engagement. When I arrived, I called him for a brief meeting
where I told him plainly that with the new details he was now giving me
about the wife, he was going to die very soon. He was scared. But I had to
tell him the plain truth. I told him to leave his house and stay away for a
while until the madness of the wife could be resolved, and if she still
remains unchanged, he may have to escape for his life. I returned abroad.
He remained at home despite my counsel. Two years after, they called me
that he was dead. I cried like a baby.
My wife went down on the floor weeping profusely because of how good
this man had been to us. My mother-in-law who at that time was with us on
a visit from Nigeria heard my wife’s screams and ran out to see her
weeping profusely on the floor. We told her, “We had just lost one of the
dearest people in our life to a very needless death”. I am yet to recover
from this loss, as I still cry in my lonely moments whenever his name
comes up in my mind. Very caring and loving man. This should tell us that
abuse is not just limited to men abusing their wives, although according to
many statistics, men are more likely to be violent in marriages than women
—given their privileged position of physical strength

Losing a precious person to needless deaths in marriage is one of the most

painful things in this world. I don't think I can ever forget this man I have
just described. I have hidden a lot of things about him because some
people who know the wife may be reading this and may likely get upset that
I am using their story on a public platform. This is why I have hidden all the
details that may give up the wife who is still very much alive, but now lonely
and miserable.

See, friends, I don't play around with people's life. The first question I ask
women in counselling is this, "does he physically abuse you"? Once I hear
the word, "yes". The next thing is to tell her to jump out to a safer place. Be
safe first, is my first priority. With the little experience I have with women in
counselling, I will never allow my junior sister or daughter to remain in the
arms of a killer—or someone who appears like one. Fortunately, or
unfortunately—whichever is correct, I don't have girls. All my children are
boys. I am doing everything possible to model a good father to them. I have
never touched my wife in fifteen years of marriage with the tiniest finger in
my hand, much less using a foul language on her—before or behind our
children. "Are you stupid? From my mouth? Never! Don't you think? Never.
This is to let you know that not all men are beasts. There are still many
godly men out there. Do we disagree? Many times. Do I get angry? Several
times. What do I do? I walk away. Sometimes, I drive away to a quiet place
to relax. And of course, I have got a great deal of self control—one of the
most powerful character traits of disciples of Christ. That is why I tell young
people never to build their marriage on transient and ephemeral things like
money, fame, or other types of mundane benefits. In fact, love does not
prevent marital crises neither does it unilaterally sustain marriage success.
Love plus self-control is the greatest formula.

CAUSES OF MARITAL ABUSE

This problem is a product of our rotten culture—particularly the
preponderance of fallen values in the Nigerian society—ably assisted by
our evil culture of silence; the evil culture of men's superiority over women
and the lawlessness in the Nigerian society at large where people can do
or say whatever they like and will get away with it. The church has entered
the culture. The culture has entered the church. Rather than the church
being the light of the world. The world is now the light of the church. The
departure of many church leaders from the message of truth has produced
a new generation or carnal and money driven Christians who go into
marriages for personal gains. When the church stopped producing
disciples, we started to produce wife beaters and husband abusers. A
popular minister of God in Nigeria recently came out in an Instagram live
seminar to make a very shocking confession. According to her, “I have
counselled many ministers’ wives in Nigeria who told me that their
husbands—popular pastors and Bishops have continued to beat them up”.
Are these the ministers who will raise disciples and model Christ-like values
in members? But Nigerians, themselves are not looking for pastors that can
make them disciples. What we are looking for are miracles, prophecies,
money and other mundane things of life that can never produce
Christlikeness in us. So, we too are enablers of the current crises in the
church

SOLUTIONS
First, our churches must wake up and start teaching sound doctrines. The
church must wake up. Second, the government has also failed woefully.
Values have collapsed totally in the society. The youths have no role
models again except the corrupt politicians, sexually immoral celebrities
who marry and divorce in six months. These are the role models for many
of our youths. The media is soaked in corrupt and immoral music and video
contents. The politicians are ruining the lives of young ladies—married or
unmarried, dangling millions of naira in their eyes for a nightstand. On our
campuses, the situation is even much worse. Also, the nation's worsening
economic crisis coupled with the lawlessness in the Nigerian society
produces morally bankrupt citizens who go into marriages with vengeance
and bitterness. So, we can't solve this problem from the surface. The
problem is multi-faceted, that is, it is cultural, economic and spiritual.
Consequently, the solution is multidimensional. The church must wake up.

The government must wake up to its socio-economic responsibilities. They

must know that there is a strong correlation between socio-economic status
of a nation and marital success. When people are poor, angry, depressed
and confused, they will take it out on their spouses. Otherwise, marriages
will continue to end up in crisis and troubles. Let me speak for the men.
We, men must take responsibility to become good role models to our
children. When the men are better aligned to sound moral values, proper
upbringing by parents, real and genuine transformation in Christ, culture of
respect and are generally faithful and responsible, many of our women will
be aligned.

Second, the role of mental health has also not been taken very seriously by
the church. The Nigerian government recently mentioned that more than
forty million Nigerians are suffering from various mental ailments. And the
government always downplays statistics to avoid panic. So, this number
may even be more than this. A mentally ill person is not necessarily a mad
person. We need a lot of awareness in this aspect. When a mentally
deranged person—a person suffering from bipolar, psychopathic and
sociopathic disorder, among others is married to another person of saner
mental status, the outcome is always disastrous.

If forty million Nigerians have mental health challenges, don't you think that
some of these people will be general overseers and pastors of churches
and Islamic Imams? Some will be Policemen. Some will be medical
doctors. Some will be lecturers. Many will be husbands and wives. You
need to google bipolar disorder and read about the behaviour of people in
this category. Marriage counselling in churches must embrace mental
health fitness checks. There are many medications and therapies out there
to contain these illnesses. But where there is ignorance and/or lack of
awareness, a lot of homes will continue to be ruined by mentally deranged
partners. My heart goes out to all the godly men and women out there who
are experiencing untold abuse from their spouses. Please speak out and
where violence is involved, jump out now. If you are suspecting that your
spouse is mentally unstable—given his/her behaviour in recent times,
please send us a email for a professional mental health assessment with
one of our Canada based mental health professionals. Email address:
olundarafoundation@gmail.com.