The Boy and The Lost Girl - An Analysis on “The Conversion”

Discovering one’s identity is a process within ourselves and the people around us, and
this is difficult when they are against what we choose to conform to. Such opposition can be
forceful, stressful, and disrespectful to one’s dignity and identity that many are willing to turn a
blind eye to. This type of prejudice unfortunately happens to young boys with gay identities,
which is what J. Neil C. Garcia aims to deal with in “The Conversion” through the perspective of
a young boy who lived through the experience. The poem seems to make the statement that
torture, demand, and familial habits are factors that impede with identity-development and
acceptance.

The conflict mentioned is seen through the dramatic situation of Garcia’s “The
Conversion” where a young boy is tortured by male family members for having desires of
becoming a girl. The persona first states the objects used in preparation for the torture: a metal
drum (1) and water (2) and the people who did it: his family (1). He noticed the premeditated
nature of the act since the water had been saved just for it, that day (2-3), through the
unwashed laundry that lay caked and smelly (4), dishes soiled with fat and swill (6), and when
his cousins did not get washed that morning (8).

With little time to observe more of his surroundings, the persona was overwhelmed with
all the neighbors gathered around... and wives peering out (11) to witness the act of torture
planned by his family. The persona’s pain is vividly seen through his screams and cry (18) and
how his desire for becoming a girl was evident: father kept booming, girl or boy. I thought about
it and squealed, “Girl” (23-24). The torture however, seemed to be effective as the persona
eventually gave in, but at what cost? “...in the end I had to say what they all wanted me to say,”
(27-28).

Although the dramatic situation builds up the theme for “The Conversion”, the elements
used such as voice, imagery and figurative language elevates the aforementioned statement
that torture, demand, and familial habits are factors that impede with identity-development and
acceptance which help strengthen the poem’s theme.

Through the dramatic situation, we can identify the voice of the text through the narration
of the persona himself. He showed fear, pain, and defenselessness during the whole event and
how he was forced by his family to conform to someone he was not. He was frowned upon for
desiring to become the gender he was not born into and this was overlooked by the women
around him, as they merely watched the torture with no intervention done. His choice of
femininity is futile as he had no choice but to conform to masculinity, otherwise, he will be
punished for it.

The dramatic situation also showed the after effects of his forced identity as he later on
narrated it as a grown man, he said that “our four children, all boys, are the joy of my manhood,
my proof” (34-35). Despite the boast, his past traumatic experience was still there, unresolved:
water is still a problem and the drum is still there…” (40-41). This fear that he holds onto the
drums and water is the harsh reality of someone with a traumatic experience – they will continue
to fear as they grow older if it continues to be unsettled. The disapproval and disgust he
received as a child however, reflects on how he treats his wife. It does not hurt to show who is
the man. A woman needs some talking sense into. If not, I hit her in the mouth to learn her.
(44-46), are some of the proof of underdevelopment as he merely mimics the violence he
experienced with the male figures of his childhood and what he considers as ‘right’ based on the
influence around him.

The imagery used in the poem deepens our understanding towards the harsh prejudice
and the effects of it. Object imagery is spotlighted throughout the poem and heavily resonates
with the persona’s struggles in identity-development and acceptance. The metal drum and the
water were used for the disrespectful drowning of the young boy for his conversion; however,
the imagery captures a different side of it. As he said, the same girl kept sinking deeper (25)...
deeper in the churning void (26) which confirms the existence of the girl inside him that he so
desperately wants to save. He even used his mother’s belongings to get a sense of comfort
away from the fear of torture (curled up in the deepest corner of my dead mother's cabinet (16))
and an idea of what it felt like to be a woman – although was put to an end (I had to stop
wearing my dead mother's clothes (29)).

Through the harsh drowning and the only refuge the persona had as a young boy, the
sad reality still continues in his present life. Though liquid was his fear, it also became his
comfort in lieu of his dead mother’s belongings. This is elaborated through the object imagery
used but this time, to deny the little girl’s existence – if there still is, “she is dying and before she
sinks I try to touch her open face…” (55), “…but I drown myself in gin before I can,” (56-57).
This shows the unwillingness to accept (hence, the denial) of the persona’s desired identity in
the past. He kills himself through gin as a way to forget the girl inside him and this just makes
him hold onto the meaningless and hollowness identity of a man, the perfect way to use object
imagery – by resonating his forced identity with a hollow and empty metal drum.

The object imagery used played a significant role in understanding the past and present
events of the persona. It portrayed the harsh reality he had to deal with to impress the male
figures in his family. When a person instills such a mentality and will never get to flourish one’s
true identity, he/she might struggle to develop and accept oneself, always fearful and conscious
of what the people around him say or might do.

The figurative language was used to exemplify the persona’s feelings and experience in
the poem which adds value to the theme. The hyperbolic and metaphoric language intensified
the events and helped paint the conflict as something serious, severe, and important that should
not be ignored. Someone’s life was at stake and was disgracefully punished both physically and
mentally. But as the persona stated figuratively in his ending words, “I see her at night with
bubbles, springing like flowers from her nose,” (53-54), we get the sense of hope in fulfilling his
once desired identity but, when the gin is there, the hope is nothing but a withering candle
flame.
 Frankly, the essence of a family is to love, understand, and respect and the same goes
for how we treat ourselves as individuals. Our viewpoints may be naturally different from others
and this might cause misunderstandings and arguments along the way. It is simply a way of life
where disagreement thrives at best especially when it comes to the varied wants and desires of
people. However, in Garcia’s “The Conversion”, it made it clear that sometimes (despite the
harshness of it), chasing who we truly are and what we truly want can be impossible especially
when the dominant opposition is our own family who leaves us no choice but to satisfy them.

Literature Reviewed

<< THE CONVERSION

by J. Neil C. Garcia (Philippines)

1 It happened in a metal drum. They put me there, my family

2 That loved me. The water
3 Had been saved just for it, that day.
4 The laundry lay caked and smelly
5 In the flower-shaped basins.
6 Dishes soiled with fat and swill
7 Pilled high in the sink, and grew flies.
8 My cousins did not get washed that morning. Lost in masks of snot and dust,
9 Their faces looked tired and resigned
10 To the dirty lot of children.
11 All the neighbors gathered around our open-aired bathroom. Wives peered out
12 from the upper floor of their houses
13 into our yard. Father had arrived booming with cousins, my uncles.
14 They were big, strong men, my uncles.
15 They turned the house inside-out
16 Looking for me. Curled up in the deepest corner Of my dead mother's cabinet, father
17 found me. He dragged me down the stairs by the hair Into the waiting arms of my uncles.
18 Because of modesty, I merely screamed and cried. Their hands, swollen and black with
19 hair, bore me Up in the air, and touched me. Into the cold
20 Of the drum I slipped, the tingling
21 Too much to bear at times my knees
22 Felt like they had turned into water. Waves swirled up and down around me, my head
23 Bobbing up and down. Father kept booming, Girl or boy. I thought about it and squealed,
24 Girl. Water curled under my nose.
25 When I rose the same two words from father. The same girl kept sinking deeper,
26 Breathing deeper in the churning void.
27 In the end I had to say what they all
28 Wanted me to say. I had to bring down this diversion To its happy end, if only for the pot of rice
29 Left burning in the kitchen. I had to stop Wearing my dead mother's clothes. In the mirror
30 I watched the holes on my ears grow smaller, Until they looked as if they had never heard
31 Of rhinestones, nor felt their glassy weight.
32 I should feel happy that I'm now Redeemed. And I do. Father died within five years I got
33 my wife pregnant with the next.
34 Our four children, all boys,
35 Are the joy of my manhood, my proof.
36 Cousins who never shed their masks
37 Play them for all their snot and grime.
38 Another child is on the way.
39 I have stopped caring what it will be.
40 Water is still a problem and the drum
41 Is still there, deep and rusty.
42 The bathroom has been roofed over with plastic. Scrubbed and clean, my wife knows I
43 like things. She follows, though sometimes a pighead she is.
44 It does not hurt to show who is the man.
45 A woman needs some talking sense into. If not,
46 I hit her in the mouth to learn her.
47 Every time, swill drips from her shredded lips.
48 I drink with my uncles who all agree.
49 They should because tonight I own their souls
50 And the bottles they nuzzle like their prides.
51 While they boom and boom flies whirr
52 Over their heads that grew them. Though nobody Remembers, I sometimes think of the girl
53 Who drowned somewhere in a dream many dreams ago. I see her at night with bubbles
54 Springing like flowers from her nose.
55 She is dying and before she sinks I try to touch Her open face. But the water learns
56 To heal itself and closes around her like a wound. I should feel sorry but I drown myself
57 in gin before I can. Better off dead, I say to myself
58 And my family that loves me for my bitter breath. We die to rise to a better life. >>