‘loved it... Fascinating and useful Cathy Rentzenbrink, author of The Lost Act of Love "The bottom line is this: if you're a human, {recommend that you reed this book? Diana Fosha, the Founder oF ‘Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Paychotherapy ee We ave often taught that our thoughts affect aur emotions, but in truth wo have to experience our srvotions to truly sundevstand our thoughts, and our fll salves. Int’s Not Aluoys Depression, pioneering psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel reveals the mest effective techniques for putting us back in touch with the emotions we too often deny ~ methods which can be used by anyone, any time, anywhere, Drawing on stories from her own practice, she sheds Tight onthe core emotions (uch as jy, sodnes and Fea), 2 iB) e P fe r on Always PLORE Se defences (anything we do to avoid Feeling) and i emotions (anxiety, shame and guilt), and how understanding their interaction can help us return to mental wal-being. This isthe basis of accelerated experiential dynamic psychetherapy’it speeds up healing through having an emotional experience in the here and now. allows you to ‘reacquaint yourself with your feaings, to recover a more suthenti self and to be more calm, curious and connected. Cert a on ag flee ee eens ere east Riau utes © eon, . I YD sam HILARY JACOBS HENDELIt’s Not Always Depression Hilary Jacabe Henle is» ceiedyuychoamaly, and aa AEDP ychucenpist and exer. She has published ances ia he ‘Nw York Tins, cing the pce ee Nee Alwys Depron Smeines Ie Shane’ which was © AL Mok End eile ir ‘he pape and profesional oar. Her blog, The Chane Tria, 4s rad worldwide, She rte private pwc in New York Ciny td was the Meal Hele Conant for he Eman and Glen (Ghewvinnng show Md Men,It’s Not Always Depression New Theory of Listening to Your Body, Discovering Core Emations and Reconnecting with Your Authentic Self Hilary Jacobs Hendiel Foreword by Diana oshaOsForeword bby Diana Fosha [AS THE DEVELOPER of AEDP (acelcrted exp paychorherapy), & healing-oeiented transformations! model of therapy, 1 picked up the manuscript ofl Not Alsat Dypreion sal dynamic by Hila Jacobs Hendel wth «stare of excitement and ee sion ‘On one hand ecient: Here wa dhe potential for my work to takes quancam ea in is ability co belppeaple change. Nota, asas happened uo date, by affecting how therapists peacic, and ‘hus having am impact onthe cies hey see. Buc sow, hee, with thie book, by going directly co the people, and sharing some ede secrets.” By making the ideas of AEDP more accesible this book se the potential co beneie many moce people—both ‘thos in cherapy (wih ll dfetene kinds of therapist) and ehose no in therapy ae ll The proepect was exhilarating vee sime time, fle epidation. Here was my lifes wok to ace ina sel help book: Would ie do AEDP justice? Or wold ebe fexence of AEDP sonichow gee watered dowa? Woald the cms plex ideas of AEDP be tured ineo superficial ortane-cookie wit tom that would ivialie the years of work spent in developing a rigotons, heling-viented eransformational sherpy? And if that‘werent enough cause for asia, Hilay wa colleague If coo ‘sceed 10. Would I find myself in che awkward peition of ot liking wine she wee? Or, with people understending of AEDP. ‘ow out of my hands, would Ihave to live wih anarcount of it that fle wrong ot of? already fle some signtcane say. Not only dif know Hil ary Jacobs Hendel as «person of substance anda wonderful clini. iano boot, I had also bean truly wowed by ewo pices she wrens fon Tae Nev York Tims about AEDP practice: thowe shot, simple stiles had showessed her enviable if of capturing esence while icing Simply and acesiby As Tegan reading the manussipemy breathing arta ale My by lao andy mind bane engaged. What U wae teng ws apc and acunite {drach a sigh of i! Te was ping vo be lay AsT kee reading, chaper afer chapter, ory after try If ‘moved AEDP had life ts own, serait fom we he leaty ‘xpetienced tha wich the cooeibtons of my colleagues fealty ‘embers ofthe AEDP nsiute~-who have extend th scape of AEDP cheough theic woek. However, here was « member of he hot generation, someone tained by my elleagues, who had ‘nade the work her owa and was ow tscsmitting it noe oly to he less, but through this bok, tothe public at lare. Ie ¢ on sy shea, and uplifted fig in my chet The eqn rational enemission was on ‘You might have novice the tlcaed words in che preceding Paregephs, They ae all words describing either emotional fet ings or body sensations asocaced with emotions. Emotion snd bodily sensations ofcen reveal us to ourselves. They conn bie logical wisdom and communicate wha’ important tous and to ‘hose around ws a che pages aia, a ou gee familie with Hil, s7 Jacobs Hendels book, you will learn co ease the richnens of emotions and what powerful guides they canbe, pointing we ‘ovard doing what we need to dota hel old wou and eed ‘ote fective and happy in our lives. Hilary des a wonder job of aching about essocons andthe defenses behind which they ing in touch hide, In ee cases, she documents te ol that no being ‘with our adaptive emotions eales on us, and ebe benefits end ad- antages thet well-procesed emotions ofr us. Those italicized words were crucial enry point into differs aspects of my expe- rience, ll elevane tothe task at hand ‘We have «saying in AEDP: Make i impli eine and mabe 4X will make the implicit the epic experi. 1th forewon, Iwill explicit end tel you about the Basic ABDP principles shar come iia ity cia wn pel ou ng sb ABDP char you can understand che principles chat underlie wast you ate about to experience. So here goss making ee impli cexplice with espect ro some fundamental AEDP principles eng rm he on ‘rumen rie oe ‘en af oan eae he oe {EDP depute kth Snel farehichwehnet cal mune mnfoana Ts iw te Peep ov aren ne fr entrtion We ae weer ondhatn hc cat ‘hs mnt nn dnt tri ne cargoes ee Stapedty seo dere batman‘What's best wellas convenient he phenomena of healing ae invariably accompanied by ality and ene, which have clear somatic active markers, These matkers hep us erick, and they help us see the manifestations af ransformance snd che stevings coward healing and well-being. And when we recognize those stivings in people they fel seen ‘Transformance and its positive somatic afetive markers of nergy and vitality area dizer wauslaion of paiivenesropesi- icy in eberpeutic action: i is whac allows rewiring ro ake place Privitoging the Positive, te Adaptive, and That Which Feels Right snd Trae ‘While weate onthe lok for eidence of healing ven ami d= spr and fut, we ae aso caeillyatending co and working with what i positive, what adaptive, ad hat whieh Fels and twue,"Poscive” in AEDP hs avery special meaning, It cerainly includes positive emotions, like jay snd grattde ane bape However—and I annoe emphasize this enough —the way me de- line positive” in ABDP encompasses thor as well anything tha os right and tae othe ivi. This scracial to resp, for we are ofenafaid of laling oar emotions because we don't want to fet pain. As you will ead in he pages chat follow, when we finally _getpast the petective barrier we bile when we were hildeen ad ve acrually fel our genuine emoions, even when hse emotions are grief or ange, we certainly fel vl. But we dont fel only reli, we fel something that we, od our hos, have needed fea fra long time. Similar eo breathing a sgh of rele when 2 crooked pictues righted, whea we finaly fet che emexions that are rue cou situation, righ. An wef gon ‘Undoing Alononoss Aloneniss—unvilled and uawasted sloneaess—in the fae of ‘verwbelming emotions sae che epicener of ABDPs waders ing of how emotional sufring snd subsequent emotional difiul- ties develop. The implications of this understanding ate cea: “being with" ie, being with trusted ater with whom we fel safe ant known —isfunrnenal co healing and eo being able 0 proces ou emetions na bealhy way. When we donot feel alone, ‘when we fel accompanied, our nervous systems gee upgrced With help, we becoane bette able eo bof and del. Ths, primary ain af the AEDP cherapist 6 co undo the een’ alone res and be withthe client oa eeir healing journey. "Aso result of whit we know about attachment cheory? and sous how the auonmic nervous system works? mos experin tal herapsts seek to activate the eocial engagement sytem and sablish safety wn connection. Going furter and taking a page from attachment research documenting how parents who rie t= silienchiklen bebave, AEDP cherspiss lad with empathy, care, Concern, validation, and auhearic emotional presence. Ie i this that allows the work with emotions to be efective. As che ying oes, not only are two eas beter chan ane; so are ewo psyches thi soare mo heats What 00 overwhelming to deal with lone becomes smc ore manageable when we're init cogether with caring other. Undoing alonencs i the siae qua non of AEDP Cherapy: it undedie all che work widh emotions chat Hilty’s ‘work exemplifies wo beni. ‘The Importance of Positive Interactions Acachavent theory teaches us thar positive ie Caregivers and those chey nurture —ioteractionscharctried by fons berween fare, emotional engagement contact, connection help, and posi tive emotions—are the seu of opizal brain development in thd. They suppore the brs chemisery that in cur sup pores the postive nearplasticiy eh opeses in allo usthrough= four the lifecycle! Tong gone (enosty are the dag ofthe blanket shrink, The stance of AEDP therapists i characteriza by ional engagement, and auchentiie. AEDP cherapists express enuine feelings f care ad concern and a desie to help.‘Working with Reoaptive Afstive Experiences Care, empathy, concern, validation, an authentic emotional ees- ‘nee are so important co the establishment of safety ane eon sion, However, whut good i giving i whet is given cannot be reccived? In AEDR, we nor only focus on helping poople expres er ‘ion, we alo work to help people leu to receive emeions ad ‘hus tke in the go seul. In other words, we work with rayne satietio experienc, i, with what i fel like ore loe cae or undestanding ‘Weall cave support, cate, and undenscaning, Weel yearn co he seen, toe Ft, tobe heard, nd 10 be derstood. Aad yet, ‘when those experiences uneapectely materialize before us, we ofen respond to them with seticence sid distrust. ABDP woeks ‘o belp people overcome their block to taking inthe good sea ‘thir comes from good relationships, inclading che cherapeutie lacionship. We ep people explore: Wht does cr fect ike when its taken in? What docs fel ike in the bevy eo fed undta? In the process, we often understand why that which isso desized soften so blocked In this manner, cre, los ena, adnan, sederstonding, ae faing san canbe ea elt. Atal whe ecy ate felt, we can flly reap their bese. With lve secusly in our hearts, and undereanding securely in our bellies, we ea more confdendly ence the challenges ofeach day. ‘The Importance of Making the Most of Positive Emotions “Undoing alonenes,” “in ic rogethes,” aa ogetee with” apply ‘not only to working with the negative painfl emorins fer jing and their elif. AEDP eherpists atively, explicitly, and ex petentally work with positive emotions between therapist ad lien; che therapise's owe expressive range ts stcrches beyond ‘ae, concer, empathy, end connection ad expands ine the ex plicit expression of light and jy, s well as pcan ce client AAEDP cherapiss thes go beyond exapathy and validation to a ‘ual explici afrmation, Furthermore, ejoicing in and ehe ele= bnation of the clieor’s postive qualities, strengths, alems, end schieverents in therspy, and making site dhe client is able to take hat in, contibute cote effectiveness of AEDP cherspy. ‘The Processing to Completion of Emotions Associated with ‘Suttarings “Nothing That Feets Dud is ver the Last Step” The shove isa quote Fm one af ehe most briliant experiential therapists, Eugene Gendlin de creator fs method called Foc ing? Ie is alo the title of paper I wrote abou how to help people process incense emotions "Emotions ae wired inco us by cos af evolution. Their pu pote is noc toscaeu and overwhelm us and make ur fai close contol, Emotions ate wited into our bans and bodies and ner- ‘ous systems co help us cope with our envionment and this feahance our adapeation. No matter how sary emoeions may sometimes sem, if we alow ourselves co process and metabalize them, they will vtibly take us toa good place: "The ce emo tion of gif wll lend us to eventual accepeance. The core emorion of ange wil lead ws e experiences of strength, clrcy, and em- jpomerinenc on behalf ofthe self and our ed for what's just and right. Four willed us to sek safety, oy will lead us to exabe ance, energy, and an expansion of our willingoess co connect and fxploce with zext, And this isa basic principle of experiential ‘wore with emoeions: Thee is a po of adapeive gold avaiing the complete processing ofeach core emotion. And that pot of gold is ‘consticued of resilience, carey, and improved capacity to know ‘whae we acd ins way that can infiem ous sceons ‘As Hilary demonstrates, using the tools she describes in Is [Nat Aluey1 Depron helps yon do pci that, Even if you are rocin therapy, che bok mighe well ud your alonenes and teach you how overcome blocks and inhibitions 0 that yon can know what you are genuinely feling. Once you know your dep fel ings, they cen ge you to that pot of gold of cai “This idea of processing an emotion to completion is shared by all the experiential therspies: EMDR (eye movement desen-siczation and reprocessing), Ioceral Fumily Systems, Gest Focusing, Somatic Bxpesiencing, Seasorimotor Psychotherapy ‘cmmoron-facused, et ‘And, indeed, when emorions are pncesed to completion hey release adaptive action tendencies, selience, an laity aboue what we need and thus what we ned ro do, Emotions peo ‘ese co completion energize ce stem with intention, and he ‘completion s accompanied by positive act, We move from fel ing bad to feeling good. And ita importane to procs eling oda ico process Feeling bd ‘The Metaprocessing of Transtormatlonsl Experience round one of therapy is how eo ger past defeses and anxiety, and round two s working to eal sufleng and bring aboue incre sffectivencss and resilience, in ABD, there isa ound chee! Round che of ABD, mazsbospeuti rang (méaraeing for shore), involves experienially working with positive emotional experiences as systematically and thoroughly a we work with segative emotional experiences use 2s working withthe nege- ‘ive emotions cmerionasullering allows them co ianslor ino adaptive actions on behalf ofthe sel, working with the pasitive ‘emotions asocsted with change-forthe-berer—e., healing of nsformation—begins anecher whole round of transformation nprocesing farther broens and builds de change that re sul from processing the emotions oferta through eo comple tion, Aad i this thar rewies che bai and deepens ane expands resilience and well-being, AEDP' systematic focus on working with thecsfriene of fe ing. good aad the exeriane of change-orthesnetter is a way of ‘spanding, deepening, nd solidifying well-being, Me ‘The Transformational Attects ur experience with metaproceising has revealed that when we explore the experience af the postive emocions associated with chngeforche-berer, doing so gives tke «o forther rounds of teuntormational expesience. And it tars ou that each new rans foumational experience is accompanied by it very own witedin ‘emotion. We call chese emotions the inmyforaztonal af, 20a they ee invariably positive. ABDP describes che transformational «fects in deal and works wih chem systematically: Much a out ore emocions ler us to what we rst deal with and ae specific to difirene kinds of challenges (for eample, fn is an emotion specific co danger, and grit isan emotion that especie Ls), Fc alt us to impostan positive changes that ae occurring within us. By atending c chee positive dunges, we ate able 10 consolidate and make ehe mest of the ‘he erneormatona ‘dungesealang place, and es further eavich ou ives? The erieformationa aft ince, bu are not limited eo: the ery aft of og, confidence, a pride; the sls fs associ- sed with che postive wulscabiiey of laving ew and somewhat unprecedented experiences the ulin fer offing moved within cuales, and gstcude to and Jove for ehose who lp us; and he relia ats of wonder a awe a the changes aking place “The Noo-Fiaite Tranctormational Spiral poring experiencally the postive tensformarional alfcts lea to nore postive erasformarionl aflets. And more begets mmore-—jump-tartng a tunsormatonal process that is efit. This non-fniteerasformarional proces involves upward spirals of vty and energy, and goes beyond healing emotional sule- jing to morph ino arising aed ling. Core state “The eacsfomational process colminaces ia cove stace, a state of unifying integration and openness. Ln hee book, Hilary calls it ht sponbsred stats, The opener sate patakes of both AEDPS fore tate and Ineenal Family Speer therapy’ ce Saf Ie is here thatthe proces of change takes decp ron, and it there that the‘work of AEDP. IFS, ad the work deities in cis bok join cm tempacve eraicons, Fase and West, ro illuminate pathways £0 access che fundamental qoliis of the end chat ae there fo the sccivating. Th processes tha charscterize hem led oad often culminate in gesesiy: wide: competion fr nlf and aes ee scp bere ell big le; aa eine af Eng, sociated with te exsence of “Tis sm" In closing, both AEDP and Itt Nor Alweys Derr sas with ‘ur sugges and feustrations and end with us aecening ou dep ‘st gifs. This fundamental hopeless grounded in sien une decsanding and clinical experience is enucal for one of the gests challenges in mene eslh right now i combatting a hilism and edcating the public about elective interventions Education on emotions is « powerfal force for eradicating the sigma po on those who slr depession, anxiety, adetons, and other symptoms of psychological discs, iduation on emo ‘ions has great power to change how we view ourtlves and orem 16s Not Alcs Dereon will help people better uederstand why people sue and wil lead toa sgh o elie broughe by undet- somding that “there isa reason fr ny sferng, It Not Ahasy Depression ala elucidates why and how emotion: focused therapies work. Iya te thecapis ewning and practic. ing ABDP, this book will help you grasp AEDPS essence by beating it simply explsined and watching it in action Ifyou ste a lien in therapy, especialy int ABD, IFS, nd othe experien, il therapy, 11 Net Atuey Digasion will help you beter under: sand how your chery works. Read chis book (and reed ie again). Also consider shating i ‘While his isa sel help ook ee ou can definiely woek with on ‘our ow, you might consider having a book pene ot feming eer groups co ead ie with; this way yo ‘essing for both you pin and yout joy. et suppoet and wi ‘The boron lin this ifyou'ea hum, F recommend thie you rad this book, Contents Forenedtby Diana Fosha, PAD vit 1 Getting to Know the Change Triangle ‘Wihae This Book Will Do for You 3 ‘TheStey ofMe 9 The Change Triangle Basics 15 How Comfortable Are You with Emocions? 29 2 Reloasing Core Emotions Fea’s Pani Anxiety and Grief 33 You Can Change a Any Age: Neuroscience and Neuroplasiity 31 Experiment: Slowing Down 59 8 Identifying Trauma Sates Depression ancl Navigating Conflict 69 We Ace Alla Ltee Temmatized: Small Cand Big Trauma 88 ‘We Ate Wired for Connection: The Sience of Attachment 96 Experiment: Giving Yourself Compassion 106 Experiment: See Pareatng 108,4 Core Emotions Bonnie's Rage 115 _Bvecything Yiu Need co Know About Your Coe Emotions 135 Experiment: Noticing Inreral Experiences 44 Experiment: Finding Your Core Emotions 149, 5 Inhibitory Emotions Spencers Social Amcesy 153, ‘Werking with Anxiety Shame, and Guile 163 Experiment: Calming Anxiety 193 Experiment: Shaming Messiges 196 Experiment: Te Shoulds You Encounter Daily 199 Experiment: Guilty Feelings 203, “The Healing Emotions of Jos, Gritirade, and Pride inthe Self 205 Experiment: Joy, Gracie, ad Pride inthe Self 240 6 Defenses [Mario Story: Moving Through Trauma wo Peace 217 Defenses 229 Experiment: Noticing Your Defenses. 237 7 The Openhenrted State Samm Redux: The Authentic Self and Opeateasted Seate 243 The Sef, the Openheced Sate, and the C5251 Experiment: Finding Your Cs 258 Experiment: Plotting YouselFon the Change Tvangle 261 xperiment: Working the Change Tingle 263 Pinal Words 267 ‘Acknowledgments 274 ovourose 378 ‘Appendix Ac List of Sevasilon Words 377 ‘Aopendc De Liet fEanotion Words 281 Bintography 265 Getting to Know the Change TriangleWhat This Bool: Will Do for You 1 FIRST ENCOUNTERED the Change Triangle! in 2004 at an 2ea- Sein conference the seen af emotions and aerachment in [New York City. Thee [was staring aa giant upside-down tr angle projected on the storia seven. Ie was a sepresetation (oF how emotions work and cin lead, i mismanaged, to payelo logical symptoms like depresion, Defees, ansieey, aed ehese ‘ery important things called ce ensionr were mapped ou in such 4 way that someching suklenly clicked. The elements of payeo- logical expsience, which bad seemed randoen and chaotic, fll into plac, like te Gra rn of Rubiks Cab. I el understood, fc rb, Cat excice, With al of ay science ane pycholo ‘al eucation Bronx High School of Science, a biochemistry de- ree fom Wesleyan University, a doctor of dencl surgery (DDS) from Colunbia University, a maser’ degree in eacal work, nd since dhe a cetication in peychoamalysis—wvhy had I no seen this simple map before? I had che though then, Third be ass adacaton Bary oe of can bt from amanda ection wrk an ow to wrk with thf base ‘When I saw videoapes of emoioe-informed psychot ppt ss radical eansformations tht occutred in one session, Foe these |4 caungtoontbeChge ange patients, work that would have taken eruditinalpapchothert= pise yeas eo accomplish was achieved in an hour I could’ help ‘wondering if ic was to good to be tue, Was chis a method with scientific bass that could be eaughe andl duplicated? My Ise de- cade of practice has proved thas the answe tyes Having meticulously seuiod ee lve hundred yee of psy chological though and the science and anatomy ofthe bea, ad having practiced psychotherapy for mote thin a decade, I believe ‘hc che Change Tezngle can help anyone, nt jase thse in psy chocherapy, My esission isto crate the theory behind che Change Tingle ico a wool ehat everyone has aces 0,90 just People caning to practice pychothenapy. ve adapted the ein cal literature and science to make the Change Transl easy «0 anderand an aimble eng ob ne aime say 1 willepia how rouse is mporane tol eolp you ettenen iis tough. Weal ase Morn humans apres one sc, buen epee atc, sf alpen ed depen tin ee Met ou dn kaow how to del with esos, firey Intel we work bt So mange hem hgh eat snc. That coping sneer shing ae ee syns of men dies sch a depeon ad anxiety. Avago. sos does not woe in he lang un Te Change Tg # map to moving pst ode so mean sede oot Simei alts moe vt sat of eg. The Change ange sounded in che lessen each om emotions a sh brain. Dope compte ete, le ay ‘should be without. ee a Booties ar poet fs tht in an inane ene ne ad make ws fl eis, do things, and ween mye cae fico urn pone we mea par a ut oy rocos, blicving tae wo fet wr But cnn ae ig log festa mote in cance wih hy, Tey cane be ignoced without consequencer—tence che esing tte oF ana «ty and depresion in che world. Ou cultural and education ys. ems fil to equip us wich the education, resources, end hls to understand and work with emotions and our sciecy lacks abasic understanding of how they funtion biologically. Whae our cu ture docs reach us, quite well, i how to dismiss and avid emo= ‘ions The Change Tangle challenge to chs culearal norm, ‘Avoiding emorions las a maltitde of cs, Emotions ell us shat we wane and nocd and what sd forus. When wedoa't se cn emotions i ike navigating about across cumuleaous ocean ‘raters without sonar or even a compas, Emotions alo connect ws ‘o our asthentc Self and allow us to fel incimarly connected to other peopl, When we ate out of touch with emotions, we safer Joneines, because the connections to both ourselves andthe peo ple we cate about ate ensched ehrough empathy, the emorional Connector, A deper connection to aur moe authentic Self comes through experiencing the sven univers inboro, rewired coe ‘motions: sadese, jy, tiger, fee, disgust, excicement, and sexual fxcitement.! These cote emotions bel ws 0 navigate life ec tively, starting che day we are bor ane coariauing until che day wedie "Emotions are survival programs deeply embedded inthe brain sel noe subject to conscious contro. I the fice of a physica thea, fa ie rigged, Lat say a wild dog was chasing you eat makes yo instantly move. Anger protects is by compelling ws fight i sel-defene, Sadness is the ore emotion we fat when we sulfer loser, Like losing one's aie, losing a cherished possesion, tne losing love ones. When we siceed and connect with thers in eaiching ways, emotion such as joy and excitement propel us to engage fuser, s0 humans grow, expand, and evolve. Enavons ar inmadite reps ete prt eine. Bmovons tad in ‘ark contrast to intellect, Ou thinking bain allows us time co Consider how we wane £0 sespan, Our emotional rain jos r sponds. Despite the fir that we truly need emotions to iv efectivey, they also cause us problem, Whac a fundamental conic! From a biological perspecive, we need emotions, bat they also huet us “The human mind has evolved sucha way chat we have aa in- credible ability co ignore emarions ro push throug fe Ia fat,6 Getngtokvonhecdenge ape this ability helps us get things done. We need work, fel out ‘amis, secure shelter, and take cate of ther basic need We oe efenses so that we can carry on, But tesearchers now know ther blocking emotions i decrimental ro meatal and physical hale Blocked emotions led so depresio,anxiery, anda wide vary of other psychological sjmproms caused by chronic ea, Ad ‘nally, chronic emotional sess causes changes 0 our physical ‘neath by increasing the amount of sess hormones aed cont. enteroids, coursing ehrough our body, Emotional seas has been linked to eare disese, stomach pin, headaches, somal, anor Jmmane disorders,’ and Farchermore, che challenges of mar lfe—such as the pres. Seto suceed the pressure to in, the deste wo “keep up “iat of rising owe” (FOMO), and the desire foe goat reli, ships and work satisfaction—evoke combinations of emotions that are ofen in conflict with one anothee. For example, Fras, ould not afr the ki of cathe telly wanted. Something as simples Frank's hwarted ar desire could case mista of ca net anges, humiliation, and anxiety. Necless to say, all thoe feclings together ae har! to manage or hess withous defense, “fe challenges and confit crete complex emotional corkents Based on our genecics, natural disposition, and childhood ex, Petienes, we each navigate emotions difratly. The type wal seount of adversity we fice in youth ditetyaflects how we fect ‘ody even if we canuoc consciously perceive the connection: Fur, ‘theemoce, ow our parents and caregivers respond to our indi dual emotions ditcety affects how we fel about and dea! with ‘ou own emotions andthe emocions of others inthe present, now Some of us disconnect from ur emotions eo cope with the challenges we face, Tha has ramifications, We turnoff We shor dows, We become numb. Evencaly, we live in ur heads with only our thoughts and intellect eo guide ua. We have low om «motional compass. Alternatively soe of ws cannoe disceanee sd instead become easily overwhelmed by emotions, That hes ‘amifcations as well. Peple who become eaily overwhelm! ex Pend a temendous amount of energy managiog the felings so hat extn. Yin might engine youl a somone ho ini to anger or who tiated of at. Or mabe Yourcapnine hac yon one eared een ta ela You know chee actly sing to at, Smee wu ely ho ined by thet, aig eves the alls isu standing peony hs cng ud pple oes een out When our emote we seme Sem tc of we soviet wat aye ts pt aking on ies een fare Wael, we ciate « balace beween oor emotians snd sng enced ol nt lng not so mh ht hey eve nit oe onng a aly we be pode We ned nk bu tom ht we ie ou dep se ‘ch emotion les sticing vay. : “he Change Tingle ie mato oven sod putt in ouch wth out oe emotions When we oe ‘ace oue core emecions, fel hers, an cme out the ther side, we ‘THE CHANGE TRIANGLE Defer, 7 tacts casas — ‘sam nme werden the reexperience sli, Our anxiety and depression diminish, When we re in couch with cove emorions cur welt, confidence and peace of mind increase. Biologically, our aerons system resets for the beter. ‘Wotking the Change Tingle makes the brs more flexible So me have much more control and power over hos we el think snd behave, When people len about the Change Tangle and understand how emotions work, they are rnsfrmed Although [Gist leamed shout the Change Tag ge Tingle a con ‘zene for peofesionals, i is « map chat all of us ean eesily lara and begin eo apply immediately. By the end ofthis book you will understand yourself, your loved ones, frees, and co-workers ina ‘ew way and beable to pur cht understanding ose, Becaue ll of us are the same when it coms ro how emotions work, the Change Triangle makes sense for everyone. You will be mote ine formed about how to improve you relationships with both your selfand others. You will fel beter and you ie wil be easier, The Story of Me 1 WAS GOAN inca family of Froudans and aculete where mind over rmatter was the mansrs, My mother bad been a guidance ‘counselor and my fate was a paychiatist. They belived the T could and should contol my feelings wih ineleeeal insight Emorions were rately dzcused at home and, if hey were, it wa the goal zo master chem oF x" ther, (My clear memories begin around che fourth grade, when 1 starred co fel selEcomscious. My mother always told me Twas Tetfiul ad senat, bt Tid’ fel it.I fle stupid and ply. Whe 1 Joke in the nero I fle chat I came up shoe. Ewan’ bullied an was fendly wich the cool Kids, bu Lalways espe rate and insecure, As an ada, Irene chat whit I wa feeling was acer and shame, Tn mide school, I cacelled academically. With each good grade and honor society nescon my confidence grew. developed the belief cha i worked hand, I would succes and be recog nized Wih each succes and ecogniion, ele elit om insee: ‘Around that time, my seventh-grace Bnglich teacher had vs sea Fred and I became obtessed with papchoanalsis, In recro-spect, it aust have helped me understand myself in a way that ‘ad me fel in conto. My pssion for psychoanalysis continued to gtow through highschool he pine chat my fiends begged ‘me to stop analysing eveyone. So cubed my hobby of providing fiee—albeic unwanted-—peychouaiyss and, intend, snd von, only on te opi By tha time, I hd decided T waned tobe «doer like ay father. oved and was good a since, and [ recived a emer os amouat of postive ateation for that decision. Up ual my junio yea in college, I never questioned ay path, but Thad ne ally considered what te diy-to-day life ofa dector looked like. In college I signed up fo «course called Canemsporry Psy. honalysis. Much to my chogri, Irae tha in fat i was snxi-Freudin course in leminite. For the fest al f the semes ‘er sae tightly in che sal seine, me against ten ec {eanniss. Consent in my postin, Haggis! erent about why reud was brilliant and his theories valid, After about fie les, {relied hae my agumenes were filing on deat ets. In ict, my classmates had brooghe up some sold cousterargumens and re, search eh I found inredibly persusive. The taonghe occ ered co ‘me that maybe I cold leaen something if I wasn't so busy ae ing By the end of che course, hd started to question eveything, incloing the valus and beliefs af my parents ny society, en ny caltre started co consider why I had decided eo bea doctor At ‘embutrasing a8 it was for me to admit at the time, {ein that iy fantasy of being a doctor had evrything todo with achicvig, ‘certin lifeseye andl nothing to do with waacing to eat physi cal illes. Wea Tinagined myself dealing wieh very sick people snd having co delivers dite diagnatis to thei loved ots, 1 foe ‘he prospect to dficule—roo asiey provoking, I brite at the responsibilty. dida'e want eo deal with such heavy issues of ene and death—topics we had always aided ia my fanly-—on a aly basis {aston sated to abndon che medic track aa Teed an immediate plan or I would be lst, ut of cont. sting fro HILARY'S TRIANGLE oe 7m as ste dott childhood and up uncil this poine I had been driven by the desire to minimize my anxiety | was making decisions, big and smal, with che goal of having loag-teem plan for my Life co ensure 1 ‘would be happy. ed many far etering ude the slice that lieved I could avoid fT just seajed on couse to achieving 2 ocd carer and finding ¢ good husband. So. 1 decide to Be- come a dents, In dental school, I met my firs husbead and I though every- hing wes working ut pec lon sting ptt ms itive career was on truck. ‘Then ready tostar a fuily and my In seepsby-step everything fll apart. became a denise bu hated it std eft the field a yea after gradusion, My decision to leave dem tiseryupsee my hia, my inlaws, and ny fier ceil Tee cheie approval and estcem. Afr six years of mariage, my husbond ond [were unable ro manage the conics chat ad cise beeen us. 1 was las, alone, and afraid. Couples therapy did't help. We had no way fo solve our problems; our martiage ended Tv single agin, wich to litle chilen and ao cree Ev ‘exything I thought I knew and was confident about proved wrong for me. [loved my daughters, but I fl os and without a comKnow the Change Te ass For the fist time in my life was off rack sod wichour 2 Pi oppor mye Leak sei of fling jobs oe up he corpornte ladder toa management pation at Maybelline Com recice, worked in the Garment District, stared 4 home-based Dusioss selling vitamins, aad headed ales fora new medical sf ve company, Nothing fl ight nothing fl like me ‘Ac that time, 1 oak peide and pleasure in my stoic, my foughtes, and my “mind over mater” ariaude, When things id’ go well, mace changes. believed that I conelled whit 1 wanted to fel I proudly posted sie fees, longings and may ‘other emotion that I deemed wecles o counterpewietive. The ‘ny former husband announced that he was geting ematied. AL- hough Twas happy for him, Bad an emocinal reaction eat binds me. Ill ncaa depression. I became overwhelmed by life ts marrige suldenly symbolized ad sealed my utter alone ‘ess in the world, was aad, and I was also ashamed that F ws fai, Fear begat shame, anxiery, and, in tur, depression, Fea never occrted to me that pushing myself, growing & caret, rising children, and secking a new pasenet would case ‘me to erash and burn [choughe I would be fne—alter al, Cal ‘way had been, Bur my emotional mind had another agenda {ws ‘overwhelmed and T shut dow, My lethargy grew until Toulda't leave my bed, [ound zeae under my covers, ying in dacs, hiking from people andthe diy demands of my if. Te was the ‘only place I fle safe ‘My sister, Amanda, suggested tha se poychiast eo teat any depresion. Iwas 50 checked out of myself hat it never even jccurtedl to me Tad een suing fromm depression, lt once she suggested ie, Few she was cg [My peychiasstsugeested I take Prozac, Se diagnosed meas ‘ving an agitated depresion—a depesson with lots ofanicty, Sie explained char stress made it hand forthe body eo manufac tue brain chemical called seroeoin, When seratonia levels dip ‘wo low, depeession results, When sess lieved, scotia pro iccion increases co its orginal levels and the depression goes All ould say was, "Thanks goods For Prova!” Four wecks Inte, wasup and around, fancioning lke had been before, but 1 was forever changed by this experience For the fst cme, Lap previated and reapected my emotions for their power. I learned 1 Td co pay atcencion co my felings, co Hseen carefully co what they were elliog me, and co eake actions i accordance with what ws ling. Sil, I wasn’ eacly suze how to tend tomy fe igs, how 10 ace on them appropriately, or how to understand ‘heen. [scared psychoanalytic psychotherapy and was abe ods continue taking Prozac after six monchs,* Heving a place whee | ould ale ove myself ae ny life wae iced help 1 desi based on wat paid, I ould foc on career based on my i terest, ad ny itcrests ad always drawn me toward psychology received a master’s degre in socal work and then enrolled in a ided to alter mp priricis. Instead of choosing. wodk Fouryear postgradoute program for peychosnalyicrsining As Luok Would Have It Shocely below I began analytic taining, fiend suggested thae 1 scend a conference ro heat an emotion farsed paychoogise speak, Diana Foshe, PHD, had developed a new mathod called. celerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy? AEDP has a healing-oieated approach instetd of an insght-oricnted ap- proach, lesightorented therapy, ike psychoanalyst oF cognitive Ietavinal herapy (CBT), generally woes with people's choughts in the hope that eheough gaining insight, your symptoms will, crentully improve, AEDP' healing approach meas the therapy sms co change che brain and carget symptoms ac che level of - tions and the body, s instend of managing the symptoms, they isappear. ABDP, [ eared, was much nore diecive than py choanalyss es methodology is specific and ehe results ae pre- italy pov,14 catnetoRaow hehe Tole ‘The word *hestng” in relation to peychotherpy was ating to me. Ie sounded like a new-age idea tha ny patents would heve scold However, | go into paychotherpy Because I wanted £0 make a diference in people's lives at quickly as posible. People were suffering and I didn ake eat lightly, AEDP appealed ro ime because ics informed by the latest neuroscience end clinical heoris of how people transform and heal fom depression, sna ey, comms, and more, ‘As continued my peychoanalytic esining, I delved deeper imo the principles ad theotiee of emotion, neucoplatcty, ‘eau, attachment, and exnsformation. Here was a path (0 ‘change tha did soe require me to detach and stop fei Td thoughe I needed eo be & good analyst. With AEDP, ‘euch broader range of wy to help relieve sufeting AEDP gave me permission tbe authentic and explicitly cas fg, and wo not only focus on what patents were doing wrong (or whit was wrong with them) bue also on what they were ding right. This was completely diene wo one that included sutheotcally connecting, healing, and tinsformation. This was methodology in which emotions —be they emotions asioclated with dificulties ox emotions esociatd with healing (ABDP's forte)—were central and impos, Tae more Lstude, the moe [earned that emocion-orented peactice is aot a weit fad ofthe ‘moment. In ft, ies cuting-edgeacentific foundation mide me ‘think this was che wave ofthe future of psychothecpy practic, ‘Wheat ef cha conference, understood myself ina new Way. Emotion theoty helped me understaad why we become axis snd depressed, and the Change Tingle gave me concrete way move past those states of distess and misery. Not only was 1 wildly enthusiastic about wha lean, knew I wanted to pe i inc peactice immediately. I wanted my patents eo have acest othis simple, life-changing took, ‘The Change Triangle Basics THE CHANGE TRIANGLE is « map of the mind. The map cakes yo from a distrased state ro calm aod No matter what i¢ upsetting you, what symptoms of sess you are sufeing from, what unwanted behaviors you have, o wae aspects of your personality you want ro change, dhe Change Triangle provides «logical, cince-bused ph tallow for elie and recovery. Instead of resorting to mind-numbing coping tools "ke drugs, alcohol, o other defense hat ro we of ea achentic- ity and alivees, the Change Teangle ors ws «pstve path to desing with challenges and also helps us understand what i cas- ing us to see The thee comets ofthe Change Triangle ae cote emotions, inhibitory emocins, and defenses. Cor cain, our inborn sut- ‘val emotions tellus what we want, what we need what we like, and what we don’ ike, lair enron such as anit, snl gut block core emotions. They keep us civilized so we an fit Jn with ee groups we love and need. And they serve another fne- tion: they ae # stopgap o€ fil-safe mechanism to peevent core ‘motions from overwhelming vs. Dynes are the minds way ofTHE CHANGE TRIANGLE protecting us from emotional pain and being overmbelmed by flings, ‘What Are Core Emotions? (Cote emotion are survival emeions. Each erosion bas «specific ‘wirein program. The program causes physical changes to out body and evokes an impale fraction designed to help us survive tor tive in che immediate moment. Cove emotions te mia inform ws about our environment 0 we lives alapevely 2 pos sible Aw 1 sf or in ener? What dy 1 nedtaant? What de’ 1 sunt? Am sad? Am Us? What bring me plasre? Wha dias sme? What exits me? Beesse core erotons are hardwiee in the idle part of our brains, they are nat subject ro conscious con ‘tol. They cant be. Cre emotions and thei impulses work eneo- matically, propelling us co act immediately Natu ited for 1s to think only wer we are “noifed” by our core emotions ‘That's why coee emotions originate from a pare ofthe bein that reacts fcr chan we can think and canaor be overidde con seiouly. And ci also why cna bik cr ay hugh cre xin ts be expres wera 0b pred Core emotions te brilliant: if we gee out of cei way, hee inate programing tellus what to doe live life adapively "The cove entions a Our core emotions at really bunch of physical sensations. As we 100 up and withthe help of our eargivers' empathy, we eta to ‘deni and name the emotions we fee: “Lam sd, fed, happy, fc" But whe we experience when we ae sad isa heavy, sinking seasaton in the chest o¢ 2 specific sensation in ou ees like pees- sure an reac up, Core easotions also contain physical impalss, which are de- signed by macute co beat immediate and adapeve call to ation, Dis you ever rach into your refigerator nid pour yourself las on? One sip of sour ail provokes an immediate teactio-—you spite out. Our taste of milk withoue checking the dace of ex bs, eheatened with poison, snd «signal to our emotional brain dhe limbic system eo trigger disgust. Disgust one ofthe cote emotions, causes rasa, «physical response in che body nt afects many mu Disgust provokes an impale fraction # cles the eonguesezacts and ehe muscles around the mouth con- tort. Disguise can affect the muscles in che GL tact, making us tow up. Disgust evolved co mitigate che eft of poison as ‘nurnans forage for food. Disgust i aio provoked when human inceeactions are tori or pironows. A consequence of bring abused is that the abuser evokes dagust, This is nature's intelligent wayofletcing us keow wha is pod for us ad what id fa us, Bach core emacion his specie avin, andthe action is mean to help tes survive or thrive in that moment What Are Inkubitory Emotions? Inhibitory emotions area special set of emotions that block core ‘motions. Sometimes we block cove emotions co get slong with others and sometimes we block core emotions because they ove shel us ‘Your inhibicoryemesions ace Inhibitory emocions keep us connsced, fret co ea porents and primary caregivers and lates to out pee groups, schools, partner! Spouses, commanices, religions, colleges, fiends, al the world at large. Humane ae wired for cone for our survival hae we at for one anche oni is necessary erefone, peering ‘wonaections with parents or ater caregivers i eitical toa cil’ Physical and mental development. Hf my mother leaves he ton ‘very time [am distressed, 1 will eventually lear not 9 show sistress co prevent abandonment, If ny anger causes my het become angey and abusive, Iwill atm eo hide my anger nh. ‘ory emotions preserve connection by ovetding cate emotional cexpeesion Alte birch, we star leaning which core emations ate accep able the people around us and which are not. “Unacepeabe ‘emotions, by definition, provoke a negative response. Hot exam- lef boy is cold by his iter eo “ma up when be shows sad ‘es, the boy's bruin wll coaside hit «negative response becuse his father has rejected chis core emaorion, IF litle pies exit ment is met by her mother telling her to “ake it down 4 notch, the gins brain will Jeno ine excitement, Pause excite: ‘ment willbe tempered o ae lease confced. When child tlle 7 Teechangiange Bie 19 het guandmother she is afraid of spiders and her grandmother re- plies “Don he silly” that child hears, “Tes oe olay eo share ny fear” ln the fatute when she is sated, she might del wich er fear by herself instead of chinking she can go to Someone for rs urine and comfort ‘Any core emotion can evoke something aegatve, unwanced, ual unbidden fom our parnss. Parents might respond to theie chil’ core emocions with sages, sadness, of indierence. These negative responses are difcle for al of uso manage. People have bse need fora postive response when we express onr emotions ‘When ur emacions ate met with anything but interest and cate, isgnals o ot besin that something nplesan or dangerous i happening. Tone of voice, ficial expressions, body posture, and Janguage canal signal char ou emotional cxpresson is wawanced by our caregiese. When met with « negative response, we will stempe to cureail shoe emocions in the future. How do we do this? Our bane we ihbieary emotions, an emocional op sig, to pur che bese on futher emotioal expeesson. [Anger NOT alowed ‘When oar bein senses cose emotions that we previously Karna ‘were noe welcome, inhibitory emotions will ise up co stop the flow of che core emotion energy, causing mscula tension end inhibiting breaching. The eet is like hitting the accelerator and the brakes on scar simultaneously. Care emotions push up for ‘epresion and inhibitory emetions push them dow, The thwarteing of emotional energy causes stese—somedimes canmatie reson our bodies ‘Once we len, even uaconscoualy, hata core fing i un- sccepables the peftern of thwarting that emotion contiones ght our ale life, unless we actively work wo change eis dynamie Tn addiion co helping ns function in society, inhibitory emo ‘dons shut down core emotions when they beeone oo intense Eotioos lke rage, grief, and teror can be overwhelming. Some times we can't handle them, Our brain wsesibibieary emetions 1 fail-safe way to shue down coe emotions to proteus from being overwhelmed ‘What Ave Defenses? Defenses ae brilanc and creative maneuvers the mind makes eo spare us the pain and overwhelming sesitons tha emations can ‘aus. They are aoythiog we do to avid feeling core oe iiivory ‘erosions. In other words, defenses ave emeociocal protection Thee a infinite number of ways to gant against feling Defenses ange from heathy co deseucive. Some defenses are ‘ef andl adaptive, like chooting to watch» funay movie when ‘we need a break from someching sce or thinking of some= ‘hing positive to sop ange o sadness when we ae tying on cence, Defenses, however, can become destactive when we a 50 out of touch with our felings tha out Bodies and mind be ‘ame adversely afer, ‘Ae you aware of che ways you defend aginst emotions, co ontations, and confit? By definition, a defense any thought scton, ot maneuver we make that tks us away fom being i touch wih dscomfor. Some coramon defenses ae "_ -svidng we negate tiring sepetting Juang ousaves “takington mich srogance sandereatng themes aggression, + obeesing yourpartner when + such ens youre really nary styourbos) Can you al yore of your own defenses tothe Hit? Can you a some defenses to the fist that you've noticed in others? ‘When energy from emotions is diverted to defenses, there ate many coms t0 our well-being, Defenses cequiee energy; they