Editor’s Name: Kirsten Wakefield

Writer’s Name: Caitlyn Hahne

First Impression:
After reading the essay for the first time, what is your overall impression?

I really enjoyed the essay. I think the issue that is discussed is extremely important. Including
horrifying details of the processes going on inside slaughterhouses is effective and eye-opening.

Introduction:

Is there a good title? Does it draw you, the reader, into the paper?
I believe that the title is good. It could be a little more enticing, in order to draw the reader in.
Maybe “Society’s Responsibility in Stopping Animal Cruelty” or something like that.

What is the essay’s thesis? Is it clearly worded? Does it provide a focus for the rest of the
essay? Does the thesis clearly call for action? Is the proposal as clear and specific as possible?
Is it realistic or possible to accomplish?

I think the thesis may need a little bit of work. It is slightly unclear about what exact actions need
to be taken in order to stop the problem of animal cruelty. Listing exactly what the government
needs to do to prevent cruelty would help. Additionally, exactly what the public can do to help
prevent it as well. It is realistic, it just needs to be more clear. Also, listing them in the order that
you will discuss them in the essay is helpful as well.

Is the proposal too sweeping? Does it need to be qualified? If so, how?

The proposal is not too sweeping. It is specifically discussing animal cruelty and what needs to
be done to stop it.

Does the proposal clearly address the problem that it intends to solve? If not, how could the
connection be strengthened?
The problem is stated, but it may be important to state specifically that you want to stop the
cruel treatment of animals in the first paragraph.

Is the claim likely to get the audience to act rather than just to agree? If not, how could it be
revised to do so?
I think it may get the audience to act on the issue. However, it may be helpful to include how
exactly they can act. For example, emailing the government or sending them mail. It may be
difficult to force the government to watch videos on the issue, but emailing and mail could be
effective.

Evidence for the Claim:

"Is enough evidence furnished to get the audience to support the proposal? If not, what kind of
additional evidence is needed? Does any of the evidence provided seem inappropriate or
otherwise ineffective? Why? Is the evidence in support of the claim simply announced, or are its
significance and appropriateness analyzed? Is a more detailed discussion needed?
There is an abundant amount of evidence that supports how animal cruelty is wrong. The
evidence is good. The only thing I can think that may be effective to add would be statistics.
They are good at convincing the audience. It is nice that there is a lot of evidence that plays to
the reader's emotion. This is a good tactic of convincing.

Are objections that readers might have to the claim or evidence adequately and fairly
addressed?
The only objection I can think of for this argument is that someone may say that animals do not
deserve to be treated kindly. I think the essay does a good job of explaining why they do
deserve to be treated correctly.

What kinds of sources are cited? How credible and persuasive will they be to readers? What
other kinds of sources might work better?
The sources are good. The PETA source is really good. It is important to have sources like
PETA or other organizations that fight animal cruelty.

Are all quotations introduced with appropriate signal phrases (such as “As Tyson argues, . . .”)
and blended smoothly into the writer’s sentences?

They are all good. However, the quote from Sentient Media needs a comma after “Media.”

Are all visual sources labeled, introduced, and commented upon?

There are no visual sources.

Organization and Style:

"How are the parts of the argument organized? Is this organization or design effective?
Will readers understand the relationships among the claims, supporting reasons, warrants, and
evidence? If not, how might those connections be clearer? Is the function of every visual clear?
The essay is organized well. I like the first 3 paragraphs that lead up and convince the reader.
However, it may help to add more paragraphs discussing specific ways to solve the issue. It
may also be more powerful to use words such as “we must…” when speaking about actions.
There may also need to be more proof that the solutions will work. There is an abundant amount
of convincing within the essay but it is missing more solutions.

Are more transitions needed? Would headings or graphic devices help?

Are the transitions or links from point to point, sentence to sentence, and paragraph to
paragraph clear and effective? Are transitions evident and helpful in oral presentations or
speeches, videos, infographics, or other media? If not, how could they be improved?
There may need to be more transition words used at the beginning of paragraphs.
For example: Firstly, Next, Additionally, Lastly.

Are all visuals carefully integrated into the text? Is each visual introduced and commented on to
point out its significance? Is each visual labeled as a figure or a table and given a caption as
well as a citation?
There are no visuals.

Is the style suited to the subject? Is it too formal, casual, or technical? Can it be improved?
The style is fitting. It is formal and informative. No improvements needed.

Which sentences seem effective? Which ones seem weaker, and how could they be improved?

The sentence “Michael Weber says “It’s illegal to film the killing of animals but it is legal to do
the killing.” and he is correct.” needs a comma after “says.”

Should short sentences be combined, and any longer ones be broken up?
There is a good mixture of both short, medium, and longer sentences. They are great.

How effective are the paragraphs or sections? Too short or too long? How can they be
improved?
Most of the paragraphs are good. The paragraph about the workers needs a bit more
information.

Which words or phrases seem effective? Do any seem vague or inappropriate for the audience
or the writer’s purpose? Are technical or unfamiliar terms defined?"
I did not notice any phrases that were vague or inappropriate. I did notice a lot of usage of the
word “understand.” It may help to use other words like “comprehend.”

Conclusion
Is there a conclusion?
There is a conclusion. I believe it may be important to change your thesis a bit to be more clear.
Also, using words like “must” instead of “can” will add more power to your conclusion.

Assignment Requirements
Does the essay meet the minimum requirements for length?
No, it is a bit short.

Does the essay meet MLA guidelines for spacing, heading, and a works cited page?
Yes, everything looks good.

Spelling, Punctuation, Mechanics, Documentation, and Format:

"Are there any errors in spelling, punctuation, capitalization, and the like?
I did notice that in the second paragraph “into” is spelled incorrectly. Also, when you put PETA’s
unabbreviated name, it needs to be capitalized.

Is the documentation appropriate and consistent? (See Chapter 22.)

The documentation is appropriate. It has dates and is consistent. The in-text citations may need
to include the author/organization in parentheses for a few of them. I believe the works cited
page is good and accurate.

Does the paper or project follow an appropriate format or design? Is it appropriately formatted
and attractively presented?"
Yes, the format and design are good. It has a good layout as well. It is formatted correctly and
attractively presented.

Comments:
Which parts of the essay are especially clear or stand out for you, the reader?
I especially enjoyed the beginning of the essay describing the tragedies that animals
experience. It draws the reader in and is very eye-opening and informative. This appeals to the
emotions of the reader.

What questions do you have that are not answered in the essay?
I would like to know more about what the reader can do to stop animal cruelty. What exact
actions can be taken and what does this consist of. Also, what the government can exactly do to
stop it.