What problems or challenges did the narrator face when trying to jump from a plane?

What could
be improved about the language or literary devices in this text to make it better? What could be
improved about the ending of the text?

Since the narrator was the second person to jump, the person was baffled and taken aback after
seeing the first person falling down like “a sack of cement”. The narrator was pushed by the
jumpmaster as he was rather reluctant. The narrator couldn’t stay in the proper skydiving position as
the narrator’s legs were frozen.

While the passage is descriptive, it is not summative enough. It is rather erudite. The writer should
try to use less literary devices. While this text is highly descriptively, it is not suitable for the common
man. This text is not oriented for all readers as it is too erudite.

The ending was rather a bit too focused on skydiving. A better ending could have generalized how
fear can be overcome since the title of the extract was “Overcoming Fear”. The author is misleading
with the name of the title.