SINGLE? SETTLED? WE’VE GOT YOU COVERED It's a match poe people “who have [us the ight amounteile The 7) atrbility MYTH Could our eC Ng well, but he’s vegan chee ania eg Cee an} Pe ena a DM Pee Rig after another Tired Crema ring eee sa or anyone hoping to find @ mpaaiblty is date one he ho likes the same obscure fils, ol ds their weekends hiking in the fe, has the some polticol leanings id give you @ run cond soul of the port, out here ny bs poren And how will we know when we! imptions sompatibiiy might n the best basis upon which fo decide Tale] a nderstanding Fey melee be responsible for the downfall of so many modern rte Lol whether o 1 ionships, asks ley Gilmour? lationship gels the gr old myths ship model toa second date, and the number of dually decreasing, could rethink about what ally is? MATCH MYTH 1 You need to have common Liking th important Having the interests same things isnt actully for long-term compatibility. @ some interests can bef i 3 i supetcial ond boring,” soys Genevieve Zawado-Gresset, 0 matchmaker on Channel 4's Married At Firs! Sight. “if you'e in each other's pockets al he time it con be suffocating,” she ade. Simone Bose, a relationship counsellor for Relate, grees thot i’ healthy to hove seporote hobbies. ‘As long os there ore Cone or two things you like doing together, having common interests really doesn’t mati” she says. Compatibility is more ‘bout respecting each other's passions and iving each other the space to enjoy them. MATCH MYTH 2 You should be similar Compatibility is often misloken for similar, but you con have different personalities ond sil be compatible. "You could be bubbly and your periner could be less sociable. That doesrt mater os long os you complement ond {row through each other— wih them becoming a bit more sociable through you, and you learning fo have quieter times," Bose soys. Utimotely, what matters is being your authenic self. “You must be coccepted by your partner without them wanting to change you, and vice verso,” she odds.“ you feel self-conscious or stupid around them, or fear they'll laugh Gt you, something’ not righ.” MATCH MYTH 3 You must share the same politics No, you dor't need to see eye to eye on palics and religion (os long os you're not clashing every time you tolk about Brexit Your basic, core values ore what actually motier. “These include your ideas about family, how you live your life, wht you spend your money on and how you treat people,” Bose explains. Zawada-Gresset ‘odds that for true compatbiliy, your gools should olso be aligned. "If you've got someone highly ambitious and somebody \who's not a ll, that can be o tur-of Your ambition levels hove fo match.” MATCH MYTH 4 It’s all about the chemistry IY’ time for us to stop seorching for “chemistry”. According to Dr Amir Levine, ‘neuroscientist, therapist and author of ‘Aoched, that so-colled “spark” is just “@ biological system based on attraction cand not compatibility”, Furthermore, using chemistry fo gauge whether ‘or not someone is right for you long: term is “super risky”, according to love Dr Meg-John Borker, on academic psychologist ond author of The Psychology (Of Sex. Fora while, those big chemical responses shut of fear, shame and difficult feelings. We hove that ‘in love period, which Fels safe ond exciting That's partially because ovr survival responses are tuned right down,” they explain. t's when thot period ends that the isues arise. “i becomes a lustled ‘hing ond doesnt last,” Zowado-Gresset says. Araction con grow overtime 0 thot intial “spark” ist important Instead, strong friendship iso solid base for healthy, long-term relationships. How to find someone truly compatible RETHINK THE RELATIONSHIP MODEL Dr Borer soys you must figure out shat a romantic relationship means foryou. The current model asumes ‘ur patter should be everthing to ‘sul, Dr Borkr soys, no one person ‘ould ever full oll hose needs ond ‘expactotions. For exemple, its OK if certain fendships full needs thot your tomontc relationship does. Another answer? Either decide which laments are deolreckers ond which you're wiling to compromise on, cor consider aleratve relaonship ‘models ite non-morogamy. “Wh ‘one peron you could be sesuclly compatible and love doing the some stuf, o they could be the person you ‘90 te museums wih ond have sex wih There could be anather person you cohabit with, and with whom you have ‘ver sii life goo, If we could let {90 of all he myths about the kind of relotonships we should be having, ‘han we could hove thase omazing relotionships whare diferent needs ‘ore met by diferent peopl.” TAKE IT SLOWLY Unie “chemisiy’,compotbiy isn't immedstly opporent. This is why he experts 07 you need tke your ime to gato know someone. Zawado: Grasset hos a thrae-dote rue for her ants, ond bales i okes atleast ‘that long to know if you could be compatible. “Sometimes people ore judgemental ond overly onaca. They look or he imperfections and reasons roto date someone ve seen so many clients wash thei hands of someone ter the ist. dote. And bythe third dote theyre reod to propose.” As Dr Borer pons out, slowing things down can be hard because we have to dismantie a whole way of conducting reltonships that hasbeen isle in us by popular culture, “This might sound like radical suggestion, but | woulda! slot on erlc ra romantic elton ‘or cohabit wth someore ofr lss thon ‘year of knowing them. The best thing you can dois form a friendship fst” COSMOPOLITAN «12