August 29, 2021

I am Still Working on It

I am on my 20s, watching some videos entitled “I wish I knew this when I was 20” or something
similar. Gets confused after the fact because I do not know what to do. Knowing that I must be working
on things this early is worse than wishing you know it earlier. Confused as I was, I found myself
daydreaming on the things that I wish I have done. Quite disappointed because I could have been
braver, more productive and prouder. Too bad that I am in no way near to the person I wish I was. I am
not like this before. Last time I know, I was at my best, I knew more than anyone else in the field of my
sports and performance in school. All at the expense of high school memories, night outs, and other
opportunity that could have made me a better person in real life. Now that my sport is long gone, and
school grades are no longer a big deal, I found myself lost in the middle of reality. I can’t even have a
decent job and have my own money. This is not the life taught in school.

The isolation and anxiety caused by the pandemic probably caused me to encounter these kinds
of confusions about myself. But I am happy. With everything that I lost, God picked me up, called me on
His church where I was able to serve Him. Days after, my anxiety is getting the better of me. Convincing
myself about how lowly of me because of my being a beginner. Only at the age of 19 did I get my first
duty in Church of Christ and I think I am putting my father on shame. Thinking that the people I am with
thinks the same way, I can feel my confidence losing gradually.

Even so, I chose to continue. I decided to give up all the pride and starting from scratch.
Accepting that I know nothing, I am starting to learn little by little. I am looking to much in the past and
obsessing myself with the kind of future that I wish. Not realizing the days are gone and it’s already time
to sleep. But before I do, I am submitting myself on you, my Lord. For I am Your servant, and still
working on becoming a better member of Church of Christ.

Ps. I cried writing this one. : )