It’s very long. Please read the whole thing. I poured everything out.

Please try to understand

whatever I have said. Don’t dismiss it. I’m afraid you’ll do so because in your words “I’m the
most horrible person you ever met”.

The whole year we were together, I wanted you to be solution to this weird obsessive insecurity
fueled compulsion/fixation of mine. True! Sex/intimacy plays an important part of being a couple.
But for me, it was more of a twisted fantasy than the intimacy. I wanted you to be the conduit of
satisfying that fixation. Not getting rid of it. But satisfying it. Now I see that nothing will satisfy it.
The only way is to get rid of it, if I don’t want to die all alone.

The fixation: (it gets very ugly from here)

Porn has messed up my brain so bad. Maybe because I got into it really young or maybe it
came to me at a time when everything around was super stressful. I was 14, I was already in +2
and the jee exam was nearby. Whatever maybe the reason, I latched on it. And in btech, when I
was unable to write a single line of code and had to get out with a degree in computer science, I
did it even more. All through the graduation. After graduation I was too scared to take up the job
and went for upsc. Which proved even more stressful and I did even more. And then I moved
back home after failing upsc once losing all the confidence I had and there was constant fighting
at home. And I did it even more. The few seconds of peace after I jerk off meant so much and I
did it as many times as I could. I reached a point where my imagination would come up with
new scenarios because no media out there was interesting. And the imagination with time got
wilder and wilder. And once that also got boring, I went on to manifest it in real life. Every
encounter I wanted to level up.
Big dick, a bigger dick, a big dick guy whom I’m comfortable with, Having it till my insides gave
up or passed out, Having it after I’m intoxicated because it always was painful or uncomfortable
when I’m sober. It never satisfied me completely. I always returned with a disappointment. But
the psychological fantasy was always pleasurable and I lived with this constant hope that one
day, with one perfect night, I thought the reality will feel as good as the fantasy. And however
many times I tried to tell myself and however many times it was proven that it’s a futile exercise,
I always convinced myself to give it one more try. This time it will feel like the fantasy and I will
stop. I wanted to stop because it was draining all my energy to do anything else in a day. And I
could never share it with you because a part of me is disgusted by this feature of mine. It
doesn’t make sense, it’s risking your life(though I took utmost care to be hygienic and went
condomless only with people I’m really sure of because it felt like maybe it’ll make me move a
bit closer to reality feeling like the fantasy. And please move forward from this detail and read
the rest. Don’t stop here itself.), it’s such a degraded form of addiction fueled by such insecurity
about myself. And the escape from this deep shit was again the hope that one day it will feel as
good as the fantasy and it’d be worth it. I did so much on my part to take it close to the fantasy.
Don’t eat because the feeling of poop maybe the reason it’s not feeling right. It didn’t work.
Maybe if I drink and have it, it’ll feel close to the fantasy. It didn’t work. Maybe if I drink and
smoke up and well douched, it will feel close. It didn’t. Maybe if I’m on MD, it’ll feel that way. It
slightly did but md came with it’s own set of problems and dangers. It was frying up my brain.
Maybe md, alcohol, smoking up together would do it. It didn’t. Maybe if the other guy looks like a
pornstar, it will. It didn’t. Maybe threesomes would do it. It didn’t. Maybe if verbal abuse was
involved, it’ll feel the fantasy. It didn’t. And my head wanted to try out all the possible
permutations and combinations of these things. A pornstar like guy and being on md. Being on
md and the dick big and also fat. Maybe a pornstar kind of guy and who likes to abuse. Maybe
going condomless. And there were so many combinations that always ran like a continuous
track at the back of my head and I had to forcibly snub down everyone of them by frantically
jerking off to them and it still was not enough. They keep popping into the head every few hours.
There were that many. I didn’t have an iota of an emotion for any of the people I hooked up with.
I hated myself whenever I did all I can on my part, psychologically hit the lowest of lows
convincing myself, giving validity to this ugly fixation and after all that, it didn’t feel like the
fantasy. With every encounter that’s failed at achieving the goal, the disgust only got stronger
because it was not letting me win and I’m unable to move on/stop. And the escape also lied
doing the same thing in a better way and hoping it would work this time. I paid people to have it
because at one point it felt like maybe if I had full control over the other guy, I could have more
of a chance to make it feel like the fantasy. I don’t like being this way and the thought that you’ll
hate me too if I shared it scared me even more. I didn’t know what’s worse. Hiding this only for
you to find out or sharing it. I know you have told me multiple times to share everything and
anything, but I still couldn’t do it. Because this shit is really ingrained into me. All the times I
cheated was only due to this rotten and ugly psychological fixation and never because I don’t
value you. In a way, I never shared it with you because I valued you so much that you didn’t
deserve a person like me. And I was so selfish to have someone I don’t deserve by hook or
crook. Even when I knew how terribly unfair it will be to you while I keep doing all of this and
how severe an impact it will have on you, I still kept doing it. Such was the kind of grip the
fixation had on me that there was no emotion or a tactic that I could pit against it to win over it. I
didn’t tell the actual truth about the hookups even during the final fights because in my head
they all were fueled by the same reason and not because of the other person. Even at such a
critical situation I couldn’t be completely honest because it would’ve went either way. I could
share it with you all the while hating myself and you could be disgusted by it and you will also
hate me and leave me and I’ll hate myself even more. And the fixation wins again at hurting
me/disappointing me. I wasn’t brave enough to let myself feel that way. I wasn’t even thinking
clearly. The stupid hope that I’ll get to touch something beyond through this fixation and I’d be
happy and peaceful once it happens. However silly it sounds, I was unable to convince myself
as to how silly it is. How deplorable it is. I’m good at so many other things and some part of me
preferred to believe that the same brain that came up with this fixation can never be entirely
wrong . Maybe I have to try better and maybe I’m doing something wrong. This is the way I
convinced myself the entire time. I can write on and on about this for any length. That’s how
long this has stayed with me. Every addiction on the planet has to be better than this. This is the
worst of the worst. It’s creepy, it’s stupid, it’s unhealthy, it’s shameful, it adds to body insecurity, it
had no meaning but it still stayed with me. The taint of it latched on to me so strongly that
nothing else had a chance of making me happy as much. I could never get rid of it. I kept fueling
it more and more by convincing myself that maybe there is some fault of mine and the fixation
has some validity. Maybe this is the way I could touch the beyond. When reality feels like
fantasy. Because my “intelligent” iitian brain came up with it, it always felt like it has some kind of
validity. But slowly I’m coming to my senses. Slowly I’m seeing the truth about the fixation and
moving away from it since this year March. But I don’t know what are the consequences. Maybe
it’ll make the sexual side go away entirely. Everything about sex for me is tainted with this
fixation and I have no idea if removing this fixation takes away the core pleasure of sex and
intimacy. But I now much clearly see that being with only such a person that will fulfill the fixation
isn’t the way for me to feel intimate or love. It never will be. It will always destroy everything
beautiful that comes into my life as long as I have it within me. Even if I find someone who has
the same addiction, definitely he also doesn’t care for other forms of happiness and in the end it
fizzles out. This fixation held so much grip on my feelings and emotions than any other thing in
the world. So! This is what has happened. The sheer fear that I might break you again is
something that I can bank on at the back of my head to defeat this if you decide to give us one
more chance. At the moment I’m totally relying on my own brute-willpower to help me win over
this thing/or atleast move away from it. I will not do to you what I did before. This time, it will be
different, because the one thing that had the consequence of breaking us apart, I’m approaching
it differently. No longer trying to satisfy it via you. Instead moving away from it. So please think
about this. I have made up my mind to publicly put out every lie I have ever told in August.
There’s no reason to lie anymore about anything. I’m starting a new chapter from then and I’d
love nothing more than to start it with you. Not to repeat myself of the same lines but I know how
much of a psychological toll it will take on you to do this with me again. Even after knowing all
this and the strength of this addiction/fixation and it’s grip on me. I will respect your choice if you
chose to not get into this again. But it would mean everything to me if you did. Either way, you’ll
always be a beautiful part of my existence and I’d get back with you in a giffy any day till I
breathe. Whatever maybe happening in my life at that point of time. Whatever I might have to
lose. It will never even come close to make me double think getting back with you.

As I’m moving away from this fixation slowly, I’m able to put into few words.. the answer to the
question you always asked. What do you like in me, why do you want to be with me?
Here it is:

I admire you. Because Even while dealing with a burden like depression and anxiety, you still
have a core set of values, principles which you never defy. Even when there’s a chance that
defying them might make the burden lighter.
I respect you. For being brave enough to be totally vulnerable and be totally yourself with the
other person whatever it might cost and to be able to love so strongly.
I’m jealous of you. At your natural ability to grab the attention of the whole room when among
the people you are familiar with. At your charm.
I empathise with you. With everything you have to deal with at home and how tough it can get.
I love that you are not easy. You have your own set of quirks which are at times so challenging
to get my head around and adapt to.
You are someone I can never be bored of. It will always be a roller coster of emotions, however
pleasant or unpleasant.
And many more things. Not everything is good ofcourse. I’m not putting you on a pedestal. But
you’re truly beautiful. In your own way. And I would love nothing more than doing everything in
my ability to keep you happy. All the time.
Sorry for everything Daa. I wish language had a mechanism to show how genuinely I meant the
sorry. I’ll be waiting for a response.