ee LDS RY nM a noe Weiter’ Anne D. Bernstein Editor: Michele Tomasik Art Direttien/Reiner Design: Reger Gorman and Leah Sherman Art Divector/MTV: Karen Hyden Production Coordinator: Sara Duby Artists: Kirk Etienne, Guy Moore) Craig Berman, Kaven Disher, Erie Wights Olivia Ward, Brian Moyer, Jedy Schaeffer, Miviam Kaiti Color Superasor: Olvia Ward Color Designers: Amy Melson, Christine Costan, Lavra Bryson, Donelle Estey Cel Painters: Jarrett DeMartino, Linda Negron, Carla Snow Preduttion Assictants: Brent Therm David Trenler Davia Creative Supersisors: Glen Eichler, Susie Lewis Lynn Spetial Thanks: Mike Baez, Eduardo A. Braniff, Cindy Brolsma, Lenen Keasny, Andrea Labate, ebn Lymn, Brad MacDonald, Dominie Mahl, Kim Neone, ftmy Palmer, Ed Paparo, Renee Presser, Rebin Silverman, Danald Sibeys Jen Stiptith, Machi Tantillo, Abby Tevkuhle, Van Toffler, James D Weed Sretial tharks at Pocket Books to: Lynda Castillo, Gina Centrello, Millicent Fairhurst, Lisa Feuer, Max Greenhut, Denna O'Neill, Liae Stehlik, Dave Stern, and Kara Welsh: fAise thanks to Greg Wade at Color Associates. Thit book is a werk of fiction Names, characters, places, and incidents are either preducts of the author's imagination or are used Fictitiously tin Oviginal Publication of MTV Bocks/Potket Books POCKET BOOKS, a division ef Simon ard Schuster, Iné- 1230 Avenue of the Ameri¢as, New York, NY 10020 Copyright © 1996 by MTV Networks: lll vights reserved, MTV Musit. Television, Daria and all related titles, loges, and characters are trademarks of MTV Networks, 2 division oF Viacom International Ie All rights weseeved, including the right to vePreduée this book or Portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Pocket Books, 1230 Avense of the Amevieas, New York, NY 10020 ISBN: 0-671-01709-@ First MTV Beoks/Potket Becks trade paperback Printing Janwary [498 10987654321 Potket and eolephon are registered trademarks of Simon and Schuster Ine: Printed im the USA, ‘The sale o this book without fis caver is unauthorized, ff yau purchased this book without 2 cover, you should be avare that i was seportes to the publisher as “unsaid and destvayed.” ‘Neither the auther nor the publisher has received payment for the sale of this “stripped book."G Left the town of Highland this morning with no regrets, looking forward to the move te Lawndale with extitement and anticipation, Then | remembered my family was coming teo. | elk the need to bring, dlong,a memento of my Former life, so-| removed. the Front doorknob when.no.one was looking-and.slipped.it-inte my jacket pocket. | hope the new owners don’t have their hearts set on.a lot of going in and out. Quinn had filled the car trunk and half the backseat with wardrobe overflow, so | had to vide in the moving, van. The movers were pretty coal. They let me be the lockout. while they stopped to run.a.quick errand in the warehouse distriet. When they got. back, they olkered me.a new microwave oven as a token of their gralilede but | said ne. Sure, you tell yourself it'll be just for popcorn, but: the next thing you know you're steaming fresh broccoli. __By the time we pulled up at the new house, Quinn had already claimed the so— Tealed “haraal doom. Lvas eft ta inhabit Phe conn that ba belonged to the former owner's schizePhrenié mother. [t's extremely creepy, with padded walls and sawed-off bars on the windows..as usual, my sister has played right into. my hands. Mom says she's going to redecorate my room. Probably right after she gets around to signing my third-grade report card. The house is bigger than our old one, which is good because it'll be easier to avoid Quinn. The phones are hooked up (the people whe bought our old house already called up looking for their doorknob). Ma From what. [ve seen.ef Lawndale, it locks like a pleasant, typical suburban town. A ni¢e plate to raise a normal family. ) | Somebody Please help me. i i i it i i i il i i i rr i fl nl1. CHEZ PIERRE Ri sphiny ernectic ees the 2. CREWE HECK Wher tobedy eres dir floss or ction ther oma bar ual ine ine 3, CREWE NECK GATEHOUSE Rene sop coop 4. BRITTANY'S HOUSE Lok forthe pills out fone. je other locking er a oows ine 5, SATELLITE DISH Kevin bait: plein he Pigskin Chane 6, UNSTABLE LANDFILL 7. HOME OF TOWN DIRECTOR OF PUBLIC WORKS: 1994: Gazebo sonsuned by silbole 4, CRANBERRY COMMONS Home cof Cobras ji leesrs, and Vogeres of the ferld. Colonial charm, sroltcand debe 9, ADDITIONAL PARKING FOR CRANBERRY COMMONS 10, LAWNDALE Wie scHooL, Aeris fare. Do soe ed L.TOMMY SHERIDAN MEMOMIML GonLPOST dest body 10 12, MORGENDORFFER HOME BASE 13, LANE HOMESTEAD AND MYSTIC SPIRAL MAIL DROP 14 Rs. LANE'S UNDERGROUND CeRARIC BUNKER Bewar of temperamental Kl 15, LAWNDALE SHOPPING istic wh 16, FORMER SITE OF CAFE LAWNDALE YOUNG ADULT CCOFFEEHOUSE AND’ ALELAWNDALE.CO CYBERCAFE Seale © You are now entering eodile 9 1Q limits strietly enforted- f Y aA great place to live, work, or live and work in a properly zoned worklliving area. sr but no one remembers 19, MAM WHO STANDS 18 ONE PLACE ALL DAY BOUNCING A RUBBER BALL 20. PITZA FOREST ing. peopi 2. SEDIMENTARY ROCK ‘COUNTRY CLUB AND LINKS 214, MULTIMOVIEPLEX (not to confused with MECAMULTIPLEX} 30, SPEED TRAP 31, GUPTY House Winner of Town Csdowndale Girls Pe cere dane Lane Jodie Landon etany Taylor Fercteata eel epee ec day Kom mene 2 elieves: x é opt lemte “Tene hrwbe i beeen Pcs sj oN : at Satna Hatter cds ee = i smoky gray lining. setae ‘Motta: Smartis n word, That would be smar,TheFashion Club How to tell them apart a amare “achat og Tiffany | Purse on he shoulder. Little on her mind ‘Would you get moa soda? err se jortives Lawndale girls do a lot of sup W proactive bonding,..well, they. get their. teeth bonded, anywayDaria and Jane Present Ge By i PETER PETER PUMPKIN EATER Mes. Eater, while confined to her pumpkin shell, decided te take advantage of this uninterrupted stretch of solitude. She wrote eloquently of her Plight Soon a dvone novelist took an intevest in her work, campaigned for her release, and had Peter's rete broken by an acquaintance The resulting book, Ne FH” Man Can Squash My Spivit!, made the best— seller list, and she eventually got te host her own show on Court TV. THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES then a little boy eried, “The Emperor is not wearing any clothes!” The crowd gasped. The Emperor was shaken for a moment, but veplied, “OF course I'm naked—it’s a conceptual art piece about the transparent nature of veality.” And since he WAS the Emperor, and had all the money in the kingdom, everyone agreed that it was a very brilliant work and that their leader was in extellent shape for a man of his age. They rejeited. And a wordy and dense analysis of the event was Published in a glossy international art New York. He was subsequently avrested for wearing the Emperor's new clothes to a reception Penni) at a prestigious A Preparatory school for ITT boys. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB oa Few weeks passed. One § evering, Mary's parents got a call From a caseworker at Lamb Protective Services. “We are bound by state law to make this call investigating signs of possible neglect. One of the teachers at school informs us that your lamb’s fleece is no longer white as snow. Also, it seems easily distracted and vefuses te change For gym.” This was all to Mary's advantage, because her Parents were so caught up with the lamb's Problems that they didn’t even notice that she had been slowly shealine all the silverware in thejournal and got its editor a juicy curatorship in THE THREE LITTLE PIGS wnall three Pigs moved inte the vemaining brick house. One day, there was a knock at the door. There wat the welf, whe had tired of his thankless vole as reviled Pig-eater and had instead detided te capitalize on mediaFed parancia by becoming 2 door—te-deor seturity system salesman. “In today's dangerous and troubled world, don't you think a seewrity system is an investment you tan't afford NOT to make?” Despite the double negative, the pigs agreed, and an elaborate monitoring device was installed. And as long as they kept up the hefty monthly payments, they were never bothered by huffing and puffing again THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA acthe old queen placed a Pea under a stack of twenty mattresses and said te the Princess, “This is for you. [+ is the most comfortable bed house. People who live happily ever after are into-tome serious denial. | up te ge to the bathroom in the middle of the night and, in her grogay state, Forgot to use the ladder. But fate tock a hand, and she Fell in love with her physical therapist. They collected a healthy settlement on the Prince's homeowner's policy and, despite her slight limp, they lived happily ever after. THE UGLY DUCKLING the ugly duckling looked down into the water, and there he beheld a beautiful swan. Wow!” he thought “lf | can change my life, anyone ¢an.” He develaped a sevies of self—improvement tapes and grooming Products that he marketed te vrattrattive animals with Poor social skills. He sutcessFully expleited their insecurities, ‘accumulating a large nest 299 For himself, and eventually vetired to his own private Pond with his striking swan trophy wifein the kingdom.” Unable to sleep, the princess got dawndale & Charles futtheimer tl Jesse Moreno Trent Lane (“Upehuck”) Kevin Thompson Trent's best friend. Jane's elder brother. Musiion Would be the love child Brittany's bed Plays rhythm guitar mand pietopher Hs Piety inet Bond ed Lm Pn Hes te Math Sal PEt pecs cles rt ndion ay ai cerry essere, BMOC Te bad be pe ep 40 vadio, shits, wenenoricor Ged acs” ach Winn Roma, wea whab totals tr Soe enn ‘Motto: Be all that you canbe. Or at ort: ihe ny Sones ity ‘Motto: Ihefore £ except ‘And leather pants den'thart. least try and get up before noon, —martinis—shaken andstirred. Rowrt —whenit's after it. | guess.SP Se ‘The Threed's How +o tell them apart Michael Jordan MacKenzie ft Mack’) Joey | The guy with dark tresses, whom Quinn sure ae s ae is a of impresses. all team. Has J The with ved locks, who thinks Quinn's erate Kevin, who has taken 2 tr ase eer ee eee ew toe many hits to the head. (aka Jeremy, Jimmy, Jamiel) The one with ‘Mtoe ain't heavy_and he's nat light hare oe my broth, either. 165 Quinn so fair. [ts a man’s world, especially when it comes to competitive belehina I 9{PADDED WALLS Quem was formerly 5. HEART MODEL A reminder af what's capi by a chinopieni shai, Ereryne mes role mel 2.1V (BOLTED) Remate missing. Fut ecarative purges ey 3. GEDLING Teste at while ing Piel ‘mationless.on bed for log peivésef time,» 4, CLOSET tshowe let petty EH THE RED carved on tre wal it ey. Inharassig og ipa, epi rust, books, mages Cs, Te Dust ‘Bunny Project. lngtaing CentalIE EE Uf erp at putin ea it oy Aang in there, tty Theyre nat ‘ea. Tat wont be mati. shod fora guillotine Ae this instead ELE To eh fret it Used taro nt the sound of Quinn whining. Or ing anything f 2 woman's home-isher-tastle- tn xLuse me while | go raise ‘eversation state, the drawbridge eae a cmerain toe. yoni on our back and stare at th een rom bare it ‘vet een quite as se tuian’s Deen wondering wat kanye al ber rales,Kevin and Brittany were made for Cath other. From defective parts Dumb: e 4 fae detters of Kevin and Brittany $20 TO PEE ry THE Gr nop b Pat Tay BACK. WL Jaye, | HAVE A Cap EE Ja | Kevin (Thon Pson) (QB) THE oO a) gO OO wna aReT FINE, THe Berd Ae NTO AEK. | THINK ‘iE \ SWEAR, so Biopor.KEVIN . ses B40 ay arian er IK Ee were rs Wi ETT CRAIN ING Py ACA 1 AlgoUT PASSIVE “ CE AND SHE ERABBED My Altay ADO \ WOULDINEVER DATE S BIGGER TAN ME. Yourze UPR AND 7 RAND THEN TD tay TZ RPD AROUND, ra Come up ano | YAVE You 5, aT YOURE (vor eee) 7po es SOME BODY £1 5 eo" MAY DATE? yy pea® BRITTANT, This ani T FoR You WHEN ING THE OT Mere \IM GAR WE MADE U2 7 Loni PAALL. (LEFT THE RECEIPT IN Te. Box LIKE You S40 TO.) Can We pougue -Dare WITH PACK AND NE AGAIN? | TOLD THEM THAT IT PA RA Com eTuIW> Fun LIKE you weRen” NM obay ar THEoo R PARK ~~ WOT SOMENNING GANCY LiKE THE LAST TIME WHEN WE WENT TO THAT BoRIWe Violin’ ComcERT PRMD THE RegtayRanT THAT DIDCT { MAVE BREAD STICKS. S LOVE, en iN Brittany's “PAD” onniaianuy arch q) am. auper ho ae oe, with you al) drm were fad, our vE-An ip ea, a os og o n= hreugh for meyer urhinr ts nnwencts Gin SEEel bees ye tha to) torour your Doda ctrdds wh We Boers card. Amd cD Pnow Die. comme Hnogh for you tir. when, alive un, “ ally, popu We shaves mich, dvok. fownd. te se the, pee cans quar ne ud 9 ms es io D - IT MAKE thn D bck lt tak cate! g iver Gore Jeane (Sn of Lense cut than abl pe ae the othr. old. people. !!1) stows andl Pegs i ety rittany’s DEAR BRirranyy “PAD” you 6AM Tad PERFECT Tye YR TRAINS ARE py GOT IT Aue wrong K Fou are Legs P WITH 1, E ~ LET'S JUST qa WW PERSUn. He yal 2HATIVE wea! Dhsc veok"s aseignzent is to write @ suort story in which your main character overcomes adversity and learns a valuable lesson. Remember: To xeceive @ peceing grade, you mast utilize Doth simile AND metapnor. Don't sh eters imagiretion! And although this 4: a short story, I expect Least 100 words | WOKE UP IN THE FUTURE!!! by Charles Ruttheimer Ill | woke up seeing stars. My head was spinning like a Vegas roulette wheel on New Year's Eve. ‘Where was I? My eyes focused upon a quartet of beautiful aliens, busy massaging my feet and hands. They would have been indistinguishable from the more desirable type of female Homo sapien if not for their pointed claws, unusually curvaceous figures, and 2 tf... sine thigh-high boots made of an unidentfiable utrashiny substance, of, dhowpite lamguegt It seemed like just yesterday that | had stepped into my experimental we travel module and shut the door on my former life. |, Jack Hardison, inventor and man of action. 1 s00n realized that the most hypnotically fetching alien was speaking English, Could this be...could | be...on Earth??? “You see, all the males on your pianet killed each other long ago,” explained the attractive Amazon with the huge green eyes like almonds —it ‘almonds were white and had big black dots in the middle of them. Sho told me her name, but | could not pronounce it, as | had bitten my human tongue in surprise. “We colonized the globe and taught your women to clone themselves and perfect their physical beauty. Now that they are self-sufficient, our job is done. We were about to return to our: home planet, but when you arrived in your time-traveling spabes' "Ps we realized that this was our one opportunity to observe the strange creature called ‘man’ that we had heard so much about.” So | was the lone male on a planet of fernales. A stray eel among angeltish. A single potato chip in a bow! of pretzols. What a grave : responsibility. They lifted me up upon their shoulders, which were strong yet supple, and carried me off. | rode a wave of fleshy loveliness —__ : . Quinn's Room 1. MAKEOP CENTRAL The Temple of rem, 7. WINDOW Atnigtt, Quinn looks up atthe vast 2.POM-POM f ‘heavens and thinks seriously aout what shoes to wea. as ging rent fr ea oo 9, JEWELRY BO MU that liters is og, cheng fone Especial when yu by tat J deters. ; Dim vl clin inti sua and 9, STUFFED ONO doe govt ta be Aisappeat. danish vit pj Sea ee 4. STUFFED BOA git from Jamie She tal ety 10. SMILEY FREE PILLOW Sail plastered nit ant due twas a birthday present ro Gama ee oe thee face. fol oft. esemble anyone? 5. BULLETIN GOARD Tobelp exp racket al ber act cance Wicd sora 6. MUARORS Cart hae ve many ofthese Though Quinn ras, ” ° Quinn has a dream room. Caused by eating) oo much cotton candy before- =e n Z a 11, CANOPY BED Fit for princess The kind who falls 14. QURALE GUM MACHINE Emptying ot ia adeop seo that ass ferhumireds ef years. can gratally_fike Quinn's hea, ‘ream, cant 15. POSTERS OF BOY BNDES Quinn wishes real gays 12. STUEFED QUI Jt are ta er. al arto kept eit, She rants ose bad to come le ‘S UNDEN THE BED Miseekamnas Hoven EHTS ana i. se, ‘outa pst gate, socks and blf-writtn ltr t Peruvian pen pl. 13. GLASSES Frveailg Met cosebere? +> 9967) Sth sound of fot stamping won't distur these below,Lack of Faculty: the Teachers oF Lawndale High Ko)‘ see te td Pa ome:ZU Ms. Angela Li Mr. Timathy O'Neill Mrs. ‘Manson Principal English School oychlogist The power behind the Fond of button-down Says she loves her job, pantsutl Considers hall shirts and trite ber Kechs Vaving that passes a subversive Plot observations. Never dream where the May be CIA. forgets a face..just the students turn into name that goes with it. bloodsucking bats. | IE doesn’t take a genivs Color inside the lines. KY, aur | COULD y Acc SP eu APP NE CEPT ANKY Sure Ps. UC AN T MY Hu, BER Ane oye? is J Fre RR ER UT | INS Ay 4er 1| | - aes ll , Started sthoel this week. [+'s reassuring te know that ne matter where. you go, kids ave the same...stupid. and. shallew: Shockingly, Quinn £it in. immediately; now she’s managed to.convinée her new friends that: it's ast. a tointidence. lorgendor:! ppened. to start sthool on the same day. -of admive her for that. The way you'd admire Attila the Hun for being 4 Not everyone here is friendly and Popular. There's this one girl named Jane whe is snide, antisotial, and resentful. Finally, a friend. Jane invited me over after school te watch Sitk, Sad Warld and help barricade the frent deer in tase someone tried to foreclose on the house. (Her Parents are out. of the country for afew months and forgot te leave the _morkgage Payments.) [ met her brother, Trent: He's a musician, which - means he sleePs all day and doesn’t have a job- This is.a cool family. © Trent started talking bo me, and the conversation was going, Pretty well . 1¢ Fell asleep-Jane says that’s his worst habit, and that it’s really fing when he does it while driving. But Trent asleep is more | inberesting, than Ruinn dude ————is paged hate for this diary to come inated to the Supreme Court. - Masothist s Mal Memories Let me guess. [t squeaks.Whe are eoPle, and what do you aoe ee me? Quinn takes her fest baby steps Too bad the didn’t keep goin, 1| Quinn never showed up. She couldn't decide on an outfit,= a a a eee The teacup ride was where things really got out of hand. Quinn in her awkward stage. [It lasted about a week.| always got invited to slumber parties. | was ‘the only one with an adult library Card. | told the counselor that | couldn't participate in Color War because it was against; my religion. find that kelboards weve the work of the Devil LAWNDALE LIONS 0: ALL THAN UEWBERS PAIN iS PASSING. PRIDE IS PERMANENT. PROM: MICHAEL JORDAN MACKENZIE, CAPTAIN Zp2'S TACKLE BUS BEHAVIOR This is your wake-up call, guys. Some changes need to be made around here. The discipline and sportsmanship we display on the field is not evident on the bus. We shouldn't fumble our hard-won reputation Zor excellence: Let’s be known for our triple-threat ground attack, not for tying the entire Oakwood marching band together with clastic bandages. I'm sure our coach, Hr. Gibson, vould agree. (Update: He's almost done paying his debt to society and assures me that unen the reeruiter used the word “kickback,” Mr. Gibson thought he said *“iexoft.”) Please read this handout more than once, so the rules stick in your brain. ORE FOLLOWING PRACTICES 4RE FORBIDDEN:ie Hiding cheerleaders in the little bathroom at the back of the bus. 2. Punting helmets in the aisle. 3+ Torcing any teanmate to vear his wristband as a belt. 4+ Carbomloading someone against his will. 5+ Using your head as a weapon (off the field). | 6. Tarowing protective cups out the windows-they’re not cheap, you know. , T+ Pouring sports drink over the driver's head while the bus is an notion. 8. Sturting the towel boy into the overhead rack. 9. Ranging out the windows and picking fights with tractor-trailer drivers. . 10. Singing the fight song more than ten tines in a rows (Sure it’s catchy, but let’s save those vocal cords for the game. Humming is equally annoying-especially iz you are the quarterback and have been told a hundred tines.) pus 3/20 Mais week's assignment is to urite a short story in which your nain (OUR SPARKLY LOVE By Briteny Taylor Chelsea Talbot was the most successful woman in the world of making hats, She lived a fancy life that most people only have dreams about, She could get champagne anytime and had a really big house, which was also tastefully decorated. But something was missing. Could itbe..love? ‘She was bom poor and not pretty, Her real name was Gertrude, but she changed it, She knew she had to become & different person if she was going tw escape from the farm in Nebraska and end up rich and famous, so she bk ny saved up her allowance and went to Paris where she learned French and pt hhow to dress nice and dyed her har rd. Now she was a fox! ~~ die Pg go ‘There Was a knock at her office door, She combed her fingers through plalera”™ her fiery mane and then got up (o answer it. Be Loin “Hello, Chelsea” twas Rake Bohen—her rival and archenemy. He had a pouty mouth and black wavy hair and a body like a sculpture, but he was snotty. Still. .what was be really like underneath the lousy exterior? “Leame for the money. And you better give it to me or I'll g0 t0 the nevspapers and tell them all about your affair with the Dulge of Tahiti” His lower lip curled in a cruel way, He knew the Duke of Tahiti was imamied and the news would cause quite a scandal. (By the way, she was an innocent virgin atthe ime and didn’t even know there was a Duchess!) Alll of @ sudden, she remembered her night with the Duke of Tahiti—sheof a fling. No, she had never been in love. Not yet. “What do you want? Money? Rake smiled. It was an evil smile, but cute a ll No, | HAVE money. I want YOU.” We toom all of a sudden got like a saune“But CI p the windows, since it was an office buil of windows you can't open 2 with the kind She remembered when sh dove off a cliff in the South first laid eyes on Rake. She had just ind as a big white boat happened to eee Dees watching television isolate us From one another? God Daria and Tones All-time Favorite Episodes of | hepe-so, = gtr | 5. “HELP! MY ony SIAMESE TWIN scour DRESSES TOO SEXY!" They share one body and what a body! Bur can ‘our makeover team please them both? These tough e00ki disgrace to the uni brutalized troop leader speaks out 6. “OUR MOM'S A BITCH?” Separated at bith and 2. PSYCHIC CENTERFOLDS What happens when Miss Seplember can see November? She's a tiple D with ESP!7. NUDE BOOK CLUBS Is it about brains or bods? A revealing look at a controversial sceial phenomenon that’s really ‘aking of. 3. “PM MY OWN GRANDPA” His father married his stepdaughter. But look ‘out—here comes a bouncing baby boy! 8. WHEN ALIENS CAN'T COMMIT Contactees feel up with their lighty alien beaus. Plus: A centtied therapis’s advice on how to land your mam, woman , for whatever iis 4, TOP NUN Mee! the Jewish Marine dirill sergeant who entered ‘convent after his/her sex strange, Telk about converting! Schecter Evie Im my own defense, ea [like to plead sanity. — mre. Ga: De. Krakow asleep briefly during the oparation and was temporarily * upon awakening. An entire teen of the procedure eve that our original claim that 2 preexisting skin condition caused the partial renoval of a perfectly healthy spleen swon'e held water Jad T want these photos off my desk! ‘iyo hundred thcu and iet'e all get on with our, ‘Schrecter, Erie From: worgendorffer, Helea To: a¢hrector, Sric Subject; Rethinicing Drese-Down Friday Priority: Medium 4 seokonds (how's the besch house) by ac you usually take off early on suimer ey?) fecant developments regarding the yee Pethoughe you stiould be informed of racant developments | Be Sell entation of Drese—pow Friday. The progran has gotten ovt of hand, Bric: 7 ret caw one of the firet-year associates sporting flip-flops ané cutofts, « Zhira floor paralegals are apparently under the impression that they’xe on the SEEese Gein team, cet's get » handle on thic problem Defore we lave complete SeyBeete chaos and sore sexual harassment suits to desl with. (Let me state on the wee rece Tim not saying wearing a nite halter top and shorty skorts is any sort of invitation to anything.) [_Sehrecter, Eric fron: Morgendorfter, Helen fo: Schrecter, Eric Subject: Hinge Expert Hightails Tt Priority: Urgent ur exoert witness in the Peterson door-hinge ability case has backed ou olaing to nave gotten a “better gig’ with the collapsed-lifeguard-chalr proceedings that have everyone talking. We mist address this problem imadiately: We are losing then left and right to high-profile circuses wich televised proceedings. lup the ante oz the only expert witness we'll have left is the guy fron the downstairs sho knows a whole la” about gun. —-[Tike musi¢ians | Tike ms TI lock nectiveted hey make me We in Seer» Lvndle Live and Recorded Music Seven Nights a Week Try our Shovel Full O° Onion Rings! COMING UP: FRIDAY Ted, OShaunessy and his Songs of Starvation SATURDAY Sons of Mortis A Tribute to the Doors NDAYIntrospective Rock and Rell MONDAY Jager Mester sour ofthe Stones DAY. Hotown Dance Party (with 0) Jammy Jump) ‘Women drink topical drinks free before ! WEDNESDAY Opal Painive longings THURSDAY Showcase Night yen ie Take your canes. over 21 to drink. You must be Jease—we've seen them No lame fake 1Ds, 0Aecrdony MM 8uitaris, ‘THE LAWNDALE LOWDOWN My parents want me to live up to my Potential, so-['m careful notte tet them know what it is: EDITORIAL LIVING UP TO YOUR POTENTIAL By Jodie Land Honor Society wsident Perfection is a goal we should strive for, have to get into college, then grad school. although we may never achieve it, It isan Pause for a single moment and someone ideal we cannot realize, a destination we _else may take the lead, Fun is a luxury you can never reach—yet all the mote cannot afford. compelling because of its unattainable Is there any way out? Should you admit nature, Perfection fuels our that you're not all that superior to the so- accomplishments. It sits upon oar horizon; —ealled “norm”? Will the admission of a ‘we move forward, yet it recedes as we single mistake start an inevitable slide into approach, poverty and disgrace? Do you often fee! like you are playing a pact and hiding Pechane the lifelone strucele bering in true self’2.Are you constantly askin;infancy, when one baby is content to settle for her thumb, while another gropes for the brightly colored mobile just out of reach, But as that striving child matures, she discovers that she can’t be all things to all people, If she manages to please Mother by blazing a trail in the corporate world, then how can she fulfill Pather’s dream of seeing her as a shaper of public policy stamping the family name upon historic legislation? Besides, what if she really want to be @ ballerina? ‘So wiat if you wordd rather lie on the ‘grass and look for shapes in the clouds? ‘That's what retirement’s for, For now, you yourself rhetorical questions? And why are you dating the captain of the football ou ll he's who he is and you're who you are and others don’t care to question the equation? So remember: There ean be only one valedictorian, but there is no limit to the umber of people who can try to be So whether you are raduation day, or valedictorian and fai up on that podium on sitting way in the back making fun of me always do your very best—never mind the terrible, terrible toll it may tke on your spirit: Have a great summer! | sereen my Calls. find all other human interaction to the phone 1 coceupado. I could tell you what I am doing. but let’s not ruin the mystery. At the t leave your name, number, and the time you called, and I will get back to you as soon as I can tear myself away from my life of intrigue, about which I cannot be specific, lest I put both my life and yours in danger. (BEEP) (CLICK) No, no...not now, girls! This is Charles Ruttheimer the Third, and you have reae machine...please, ladi clearly at the tone and my dears! waiting...anyway soon as possible. well, so is a woman on fire! (BEEP) ed my answering patiel speak I'm on my way. they so hate to be kept I'll get back to you as if this is an emergency (CLICR) You have successfully contactedGroup, currently engineering our secret plan to achieve world domination by the year 2010. If you would like to know more about our plans to gain global control of mass media, subjugate the military forces of every nation on Earth, and install Charles Ruttheimer the Third as supreme ruler of all humankind, please leave your name and address at the bi send you an informative brochure and a free bumper sticker. (BEEP and we will (CLICK) This is the answering machine of Charles Ruttheimer the Second. To those bus have attempted to call me at home while | was overseas, please accep! my apologies for the answering machine messages of the past few days. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and a brief description of what you feel would be an appropriat punishment for my son. (BEEP) ess associates who dune 26, 975 nder any oper sky and wean saoud avounh, 3 ackrauledar the oneness of the unease Way the sromio fre Uy nn. anion a viabe Ur @ ‘anne of onbuahbenmnent, Yeon 9 a a eyo 2 oe wh ogethen 4 { 3 ve gitar, 9 vergech your bumqness, veonange ow Sen 3 promise to. ach out of the umy and leh you discover who yow 3 und nob ait ow your ome ov nageMinin OW Yow OxOWIY Diy a ian recs eerie et acl ee ipnney ue aan! ane rs Lh we at & de 2 Poneg be ; wally wont bo oe . Soqulher We will vine ovr childnow to be independent sprue, free hom oppenwe whe, aval sonvety > sxpectaliom—an migaalo expen of cn alt ieee Bb we oe this baamic adcewture. dw th the fiends, and bay ve tale sacs i nyse ack woman dhe weolution beau unlte wel Joke Margensir Her, Craprierm 4 eee ae sr ee Nellans Wy 2 es Pull TEE PINCUSSBI7ZT SELFACONCEET INVSNTORY lowing questions at your own speed and to the best of your i test is practically considential—the results will be shared with Just a few adults vno nave only your best intorests at heart. Have Zunt urs. larson School Psychologist Kanes Quinn Morgeadorf fer ja. Is thie glass half empty or halz suii2 Half full , 1b. How does that make you reel? Like the waiter’ isn't very good, and he won't be getting much of a tip 2. Draw the animal that best represents you in the space 3. what docs this chape make you think of? How much it costs to dry-clean silk 4. As you read each word below, write down the rivet thing thet cones to mindee ee a a. Low calorie es up SCale. 5. whet is this girl thinking? How is it possible to combine conditioner and shampoo in ont hat-care product? + If you coula change one thing about yoursel?, vhat vould it be? ! would tan more. evenly. 7+ If I disappeared izom the iace of the earth tomorrow, no one would notice or care, Gruc or falec. Mrs. Manson, | would care! Cheer up! 8. Other poopie otten don't undexstand that I. look Nk a size 3, but sometimes have to take a size S. 9, Is this @ punny or a duck? A bunngout not a vety cute ont. 10. waien itex doesn’t belong? Way? 4) "gf 9) D) D. They don't make corn-flavored gum. © ST0P! Do not go on to the next page unless told to éo so, ox you may be labeled # delinquent personality. ‘THE PIRCUS-BI27 SULP-oNGh Dear Students Ameer the folloving questions at your oun speed and to the vest of your apility. Tais test 1o practically confidential—the results will be shared mith just a few adults who bave only jour best anteresta at heart. Have Zan! tire. Ganson Sehool Psychologist Kanes Daria Morgendort fer la. Is this glass half empty or halé full? half empty Tbs How docs that nake you feel? half bored te death the animal that vest represents you in the space “a sie Via deve Nie slapet sie tease 28 The darknett within. Or maybe it's a butterfly contemplating the darkness within. 4. As you read each word Delow, write doun the first thing that cones to minds lack Fature ba new strain of EbelaGe Vig. Taw tne bute 4. Lowest common denominator e. up up and away 5+ What 40 thie girl thinking? What happened te my legs? 6. 12 you could change one thing avout yourgel:, what would 4 der My Planet J. If I disappeared izon the face of the earth tozorrow, ro one would notice or care. True or t818e+ False. | owe the Mob quite a bit of money. &. Other poopie often don’t understand that I... will be batk someday to get them CZ 9, Io thio a bunny or a auok? Neither. | would consider it a dunny. Jo. vnick atom doesn't belong? vas? ” g Ae D. les the ony preity beech Me © STOP! Do not go on to the next pags unless told to do soy or you may be labeled a delinquent personality. It's Far too late te worry about that: timist’s From the desh of Say TIMOTHY O'NEILL NAME GAMES (coniinsed from page 7) ‘TIPTREE: PICTURE THIS! One way to remember & name is to visualize a unique ‘ond anresting image and assoei- ‘ate it with the person you have just met, Thus, if you se imo ‘duced to a fellow named George, you might think of George Washington, a pic- ture your new acquaintance with a white wig on his head so tae ax in his hand,chopping down @ cherry WEP: “Absurd images work best —but don’t get caught giggling! (This creates 2 poor firstpron? Linus OF THM lation by-Oake-Horgendorsier" Take Koxgendariier Coneuitingy—Ine+— ‘ueting Coneultante Veicons, seabere of the month's Preyer Prots} 0 th! ast. I's Jebe worgendors: pone erty HEHE SEH BEETLE ‘puseessiul cree tere venesendls—imbegeaved-strarnns ther fyi tek Retverking Ting, ‘annusily- “Pass stea ting porrennas | ——-ptar-not mere te ermg ss eT a HEEE| LS napa pare Kapaa Mognarn Kayan f co. n= png nay > | } J grenimnrtannth 2A~ a Cart ~~ \ Pi , é ies ? ae ‘, ol Nees 2 , Yu sepcanbubii AnbTepHaTMeHbiit KocTiom 1 |) Tloxani - ne oSssarenuo Gerrs negopuranos, wr06s1 onenarecs wecbopmarte / aE a1 voK & eay he 3 j coal 4 ———— ‘. / \ / \ f - el \ rod , ff a 1 2 f bag f | gi ! $i! ce ta rg Bilis ~ #2 9 _ =e J i~ ah | 7 | 1Tinwowesnit MepBEKOHOK a %, IopHta /” ar - Ne 7 ™~, oS ar al) fe>iti 2 Pewee 5 4 Ce a 2 Yo Z “= i “ g335 ——— & Bsie8 523228 \ gheEe \ Seba 8 | acme ES = 4 L. ee Ss ola — Vw Za Bonwe6xoi How, Uro 3anomHATe: adpenra saxasers // JMMy3HH B IgBeT. Haecerpa Ana nromsoro Tnatbe ana] | x | yy = vo | i Bs a | ir / 1 NOME prea J i Tnatte 4ro6br J L NA to 7] -Kasarecr-Crapuie ! s y JX 7 JS) Anpas y weus nex, 7 j f Nee i | HOTOMY 70 WoIO —— ~~ ‘eyMouky yxpamt, - i i | I — 7 Se = ae eae \ Soprano} / rr ee \ \ i i =] , ke's| x q , Kypria Texywero Goitppenga | “>, Canorn wf / Tipu paspswe crnomemii — | me / S } 7 noaysenwe ee wasan noporo | a ae ee} } “0 i ~ a exy oboiieres. / Z ia . , XN S - ih Rah—- rah, sis—boom—bah humbug ea hour come, wx-ouby cheer ons the, has cds . Ts el al Bw at wuttin Dupe oHsea,. . (ind. doets (ge tes a iy hae malin Braap mer gueata, } CHESS UB CH OAT iran I chlre ores obatiall So dct agin ouicallad,)If the Customer is always right, then what | the hell it the doing at a plate-like this?Welcome to THE MALL OF THE ee ap2 Suan Spe 15 Wh Tage 1 Pa aed op Uta 3 Cont Ws of Warder 1 Faz nu Stoo 21 Far Pot, BL Ta ot 25, Cutty ution 2h We ee 2LveRe WS 25 Ye see Se Bon ans Sea 21 taht Same 3. Penisronn The fend ons Bytes actn 48.04 Hy eng Br Se Nawpait 3 Oe benguer BOs Sut as fo-mecanite AL Bhan ac Sietselare suemngene en sermets Sous Nal Ue Heitor Fan Prey Na 2 Malye Wena: Me Sot a Wetec sine Cer 51 chica rs Fits 7 E, Megymati haber fe Mesa Wen 5. Ba Bk a Eas 8 None ob re Far Win ct 8 Yan Vie Real wean es Lnge 7L.Ners oan 72 nae eure Pmt vies obit sane) Cat oe 75: Gat amin Fang ses 75 neve ces feta Fae Pees 7 Elst 78 Sle Srv Oe eng Ponia a 0 fit fra Fate tt nt nets ttt none Pt Wicon Dek ane Oe prting 7 neem pling 8 anda outing Yelping esi abe 2 Pang hats 3 onereg aig s egal onionL comet {Chub foe PO! wis. Adgela Lt principal Ee ‘ducational Coaching Systems to be admitted 9 8 are fed an ane BACK WE “Tha road t 0 college starts with sef-knewled ge." witly-s rents Wi Seed teen discovers Now, contrary to rumor, Fem 00 ot pains Cour decisions P nok Fe from Goins oe ginning MOM proces wil PS inven sre insted a HSE pgatons. ses OHBFERES The followi fag neers heet will help you define your personal goal: is and 1. Surveillance eras rounds for wipensio®) i be init ap now and coe a Soar. (See SSO gsi a jens will be 2. Voluniany cea ysis of als Members school sit jie wea Have NO ccoice saan if you don"t pelieve we seein aly tained does Will ve visiting OF school. Please do 008 pattem oF otherwise 3 corfere with melt 4 ur biveet Y ritls will tow O66" sc weekly 5. A reminder: 2 a ds is sti ay pl pained. Tama ete if oaurse. 10 Rradents vt pemmbers, Lean LN Eat 10 40 8 orn ee tame, Ou ribeys not have & suetonal heyeay On schoo! Lea 6, Bathroom Braet will be subject tS rrondwriting el 77 Naor detectors currently DEINE instatted. They oP Getect cctain fraarant sutpsrances aF 076 AT Ter io i. Peripheral e089 checks vl BE pected up- vou wit ceveine your secret passnord in HE ‘mail shortly 9, From now onal ars wi be BoTIea TS the floor 10. "The Latin Cle cisban 1 further novice AHS go subversive tite stranies to the Greek i sercomstantal evidence rag of jangly RESUME routAspirations. TNS INFOFMeaWON Wit Prove INValUabie WHET CnOvsiyg & SOS ‘and composing an application essay. Be honest—there are no right or wrong answers, only answers that admissions officers like or dislike. Your name: Daria Mergenderffer 1. Who | really am: | have always believed myself to be a royal Printess sratehed from her golden cradle by a band of rogue suburbanites. 2.Who laspire to be: A vengeful queen: 3. What special quality do | value in myself? My long sensitive Fingers are perfettly suited te a career in safecracking 4, Do | prefer to spend time alone or as part of a group? Alone—unless the group in question is made up of worshipful sycophants. 5, Favorite hobbies and intorests: Drag rating; light opera. 6. Major accomplishment: Lifting a ¢ar above my head with one hand. 7. Biggest disappointment: Wings melted when | flew too close to the san. 8. What is the neatest thing about myself? My sock drawer. 9. Who is my role model? My Parents. They are living proof that the insane tan lead productive lives. 40. What do I want out of my college education? A diplomaDb oy kek oA 0 2 D Pay ek DADDY? | GOP NOTHIN OVER Dp yiigttOb” ABOUT COMING CH THE BiGSKAN CHANNEL? zs KEVIN C 35 eS Bs Pa’ a Jodie AND T aoe SteSY IS on’t onic: ee ? YeAu/ Lime Mack Daddy + RIGHT Go MACK DADDY! What the Hell ACE Yow Talking, Albowe 7 Ivritation is the cinterest Form of flattery LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL “NiGH SECURITY FOR HIGH PERFORMANCE ER CONFERENCE rgendopler Tae wandiness REQUEST FOR PARENT/TEACH ‘Name of student: DatiReason: __ Cine ee oye oY \Yeapons possession X_ other (see below) Dear Me.and Mrs. Morgendopler, “Jour daughtes, Dara, isa fine student elient grades. But grades ote conly one indicator dial on the re board of student wellsadjustedre T fear that Daria’s Srey sense of irony masks « AE&PE eye serious malaise. (OUF tnteracl on this very Sr was typically “tanged”> Wt Lingui 1 she ha enjoyee aAay'sTesson, her sly of “EUS yadly, deeply” did not strike me 08 sincere. And roger, when T suggested she “Te OF set and pass the rest back,” she took one piece war paper and passed the rest Baek © aT -what could be a more clear ott for help”) Daria’s reliance on sarcasm 25.8 Fnverpersonal communication ET to lead to detachment from her own fee ido not wish fo alarm yous But to wejnonie aistance” so prevalent 1B 71 popular culture may be a mort dangerous ine ence on our young people tha ote sex and viokence on television and in iar erwear ads combined. believe Wat nile Daria may be using her Wt & a “defense aaderpnism,” it offen gives the IMPRESSION ie yeing a weapon. hurting those Wo are only vying co heip—yours truly fOr one sion rand Mrs, Mongendoplers TP pot ashamed (0 Pi that sometimes. after a COONEFSSTD ‘with Daria... ache. iris becaits fetal and the WTHINES © fe wo discuss this matter sense of Sekt worth jho maintains € red as to wirethic jeune Snysell at a meeting Se ane reminds me of JM. Seott set op & a wwould Tr ake apecial interest MONE, Ipefore t discovered ‘an your earliest ‘davennter’s Fate ane ‘gonvemene my own Sincerely, Me Tet Timothy ONeill Lawndale High Schoo! . Gagtishvl angusge Arts/DTAmaNe orion SA Baer Workshor Doar Mr. O'Neill: Regarding your correspondence concerning my daughter Daria and her a ‘sarcasm’: What color is the sky in YOL word? Do you seriously expect me Mey pAbcersess arene tig me. sor eee sword? Oo you senanon Moscenadiac as Iau cana e Mekcos aeaeher to succeed in today’s dog-eat-dog professional environment—one that demands dispassionate action over mushy emotionalism? This is the third note you have sent home re your vaque touchy-feely notions of proper social behavior. At your request, | did speak to Daria about her “attitude,’ and she assured me that her comments were hardly malicious, simply insightful. | regret that you found the truth to be painful, though it you spend all your time telling yourself that you're really, really all right after all, no wonder it comes as a shock to mest someone with a different opinion. | understand where you're coming from: | too have come to superficial realizations while hugging complete strangers on mountaintops. But it’s time you acknowiedge that this is the nineties. | believe your job is to teach my daughter about literature. If you want to hang out a therapist's shingle, do so ‘on your own timo. As a lawyer, | can assure you that in this state you do not need to pass any difficult licensing exams or earn any additional degrees in order to do so. Even if you can't got something as simple as a STUDENT'S LAST NAME right Best regards, dete. ngantor fer Helen Morgendortfer DICTATED BUT NOT READ ce: Jake Morgendortter As lashes cleseLS€e My woes syieag our Veen. casper oF bags Th ve of ie ; Ge f iors of aight eo . Pass visio ¢ - Ley in ats ye fe te And shallow graves lelt hal baitey dew ire s te Lahr fiehind my eyelids fight Ls wwarld yeu Connot See Ae TIE ochre oe \ ' uh Beled my eye ds Vite gnc You witch 4 teat ane Fght Parasire \ Tr trickles cleat Aad Glistens en my sn Leterme fy ligesd pain Ligon te-plen oh, world pofare a Plese, baby, ler me ia (Repeat chorv 5 Flim the Furan704 Galle eur But lennes ther ire ces welt get thingh tom the 4uton ee He tia sf $/4 chs a Mhannegd! Pace thin veg ty Aluinys £0 low Flom the. Foran From the {Uren Lay in Vuborhow lew cen I Jon's have & headbea ta? OF ber sfting cb wire My spins Wie low altinste Hess 15 Thin B+ itching my Skin Aad thar Sat helping my roc! Frum the Foren ran the furan Everything, alweys 0 lew Cam the foron Eten the futon Fo in limbo-Wou lew con Ego? / \ b. They usually, ion authovity- aero Bye bathroom Dear om and Dad, Uy Zirot week at military school was good, except they make you get up at six a.n., even if you'retired because you atayed up @11 night holding it I lmemucmsgoabeere cftalil futgn ‘eovrlte balticear (not nessomeo se). We have letter writing now from 20:15 to 20:25 (that's military tine, whieh gece) Higeee ima mivaal tieel. = dare & st Upper! 2ipj dks au Relk wo $e Boo Comendant Hela seweiidng avant, Wepiiag By Uslslic Tiers ona, Yeleid,, ia ges de GREAT nd ew LR eed eortatiysty iin Stews ieeeedytha: eal teginge endl "Gel Vo Eats, Wd abved ou Why Seah Min) ook I tola him I don’t know, Please tell me, so T won't do it again. One of the other guys told ne Stay, seuwos Fue thers! gest o14ni Ie Ab: Yen deny, bat T think co's 0 Ty AT avs ephemera ny> prern Ore PO will tay 0 aake-you provi- 20 F sate yon yrowly sins Goan vaeha wise Your son, pa Toke pear ton and Pedy qa sure Tt voul ne care package confiscated namie for the COPS Thy sx wae code end you pave eFsOy erect 25? that’s maa the ico ar least veomuse $4 Tig ning of *072 Ot ew ceed the H¥ODs nang ne snyzores my ares: 5 The pictures Ta BT slipped oF © tions So rae! i Ne akzh. sen one BIE, bag Pile ee (rou en ena enen zove St ‘omg DATOS Gast tzye) T,BAVe preaking O girls Ting, ana i've Be ei 1inés exe ase NO peo taee Raed suscep vioktane hike. Bee ¥ nes +h put someth you can see 2 ne color euaxd- morning nd nade me BOVE fo to anotness to mes paso TALS bey yuined BY your some J glge Dear Won and Dad, toon Roaction Here I am on tho Leadership Piforever searred by soul-erushing hunjeiations. Ib's been four years of living You're going to force mo to ctay here, aren't you? I've got 98 demerits, but they still won't Lick ane oat. They just make me march around the bullring Zor four hours straight every day. Faréy went AWOI—I would have gone with him, but why give you the satisfaction, Dad? You would never let me forget it. Well, I'11 show you. Iz I've learned anything here, it's aox to control ay anger and use 1t to fuel an unending resentnent. 1’n going to stay the course and graduate so that you can never hold ny failure against ae. Aiter that, somehow, someway, I will nake you pay. I know this whole thing wasn’t your idea ex could stand up to Dad.) pads and. ith my ear Mom ea then vit De baeomeverer es] eas Lien ny shoes? TP fe ny sping she as me as Bileen ‘nis pactares ya a Bo 3° ove spite TALE mene Ee ; 4 nat evensné> La a al 2 : ne oust ard yo ea y Brittany is smarter than she looks. ~ But it would be hard net 4 ‘THE LAWNDALE LOWDOWN =Dear Brittany, Do opposites really attract? Just Wondering, Dear Wondering, Opposites attract, but vo do sames. ‘And sometimes it’s berter to date a ‘guy you have things in common wwith—and don't just mean your lips line up. Otterwise you might end up wailing around ata boat “show for four hours while he looks at stupid old motors, and then you'll probably haive a fight and ruin your makeup. Dumb quarterback jerk Dear Brittany. [ike the same guy as my best friend. What should I do? Feeling Guilty Desir Guilty, T’d go for the guy, Once you have a hoyfriend, you don't have much time to hang out with other girls anyway. DEAR BRITTANY dn expert answers your questions about life, lave, and lipstick Dear Brittany, Tike a boy from a rivat foothuall team. He likes me back. But if we et together, I'm afraid I will Lose all my friends and L will have t© quit the cheerleading squad Tom Between Two Lineups Dear Torn, This sounds just lke my favorite play, Romeo and Fuliet, excep! that hopefully you don't both die tn the end. And Shakespeare didn't have any cheerleaders in his pla because there weren't any back then, And football players dont wear fights, Actually, they do, in a way. What was the question? Oh, yeah, you should follow your hear, but don't tell anyone at school, And if they find out, you can always say you were on a spy mission, (And T hope you're not talking about a certain Oakwood quarterback who has @ black convertible with red leather seats, because it may nurm ‘aut that he was just using you, not that I would know.) Dear Brittany, You are so smart, maybe you can hhelp me. I have a really great boyfriend, but sometimes he doesn’t give me all the attention I deserve. He spends way too much time at football practice and ‘watching the Pigskin Channel. He doesn’t get it that a woman needs to feel special, and a great way 10 ‘make her fee! special is to buy her jewelry. What should I do? Taken for Granted Dear Taker, You sound like a super terrific girl who should be treated much better especially by a guy who is lucky to be going out with you at all. Maybe he is super cute, but you could be going out with someone who is just aa litle less cute and maybe you will 1 think your boyfriend should shape up fast. If ke were reading this now—which he better be, the dumb quarterback jerk—he would realize that he should take you someplace extra nice this weekend and beg for forgiveness because otherwise he’s going t0 be yesterday's lunch. Do you have a question for Brittany? Type or print clearly, on the cutest stationery you can find, ‘using simple sentences and words that everyone knows, and send your question lo: ASK BRITTANY c/o THE LAWNDALE LOWDOWN, (5)Life in Lawndale is.as-extiting as. ever. That's the Problem. My family is active and. busy- Mom has thrown. herself into.home and. work, except for the home part Dad-has-thrown himself into reading the paper-at-the table. Quinn has threatened te throw herself in front of a train if she's net-allowed to-date-on weeknights. [ve-got the daily routine down Pretty well now..Go.te-scheal, eld’ making eye contact with teachers, get. called on anyway. Walk halls between classes, be ignored by other students. Go home, listen to parents’ franti¢ messages on answering machine about working late, watth TV. It's a goed life. | just hope | can keep. up the frenetic pace. Oteasionally.| think about doing, something to change my situation, but where am | going to.get etd of a Stealth bomber: Today is the first day of the vest of your fife, Not much te look forward toy is it?PT at DH et ed eng on HOT a for ang et 9 Sanda "Quality Time” with Mom } Brn ot tating yor oF Bem shal) Dad’ inty Bak tad Bat Meo Napt sine Sp Get 23: Thursday Art clase Field trip te: muscum (Forget glasses) Log ente Area 5I chat voem Posing 25 Someone who ives & damn C5 Se dc tovex Ott 24> Friday eadline For likeraty magazine=Wnatk out something nearing ful for extra credit — fit ONeits evrymether-Friday trPrise aie Check Forecast Channel For new tornade footage Ot. 20: Mond Bring in diorama of Haymarket Riot. Avia ‘sthoel~Play tryouts —— A Mei Form bo reserve plate ab — + —PrBisfoot convention i day ion For DeMartine’s lass $<" Family Court—invite Jane over te Practice being a~ Courtroom sketeh. artist O8t 25: Satara Last day of Carnivorous Plant Exe = | Mom and Dad st Fun Run: Study for French tert: Read Tintin conies _ Ne raanes dresser draner:?) Oct n 4 Sleey ever 34 Jane's Ubving on Cheek on sme eld 2 viment update thats, add Pajamas this Line) ‘atmeal Flakes — BP Mmchech out new TV. show or Pathetic Planet to meet s are a great way ne e would Find revolting in Person eo)eee oe eee a ee * GALLERY_OF Click here for my picks: la crane de les frisky Eomm 3 OT LINKS Where WWW Stands for Wow Wow Wow! The Charles Ruttheimer IIT Homepage <2hSu, ws wale’ A Hieele something for the ladies—downloadable pictures of yours truly. (G-rated. ..yet enticing!) Babes Ahoy! Charles Ruttheimer III Prosonts: THE GALLERY OF FEISTY BABES A ye bd + PrCK-up Contributions from around the globe. Maintained as @ public gervice. * goKks 1 Updated daily. CORNER My collection of fast-food preniuns: Search by date, ohXeciting! T’m no JWot “hot,” but just skeptic...she’s as J try denying she was foisty as they cone! feisty-you cannot! ‘AEON FLUE TERI HATCHER Best-dressed Not as feisty as animated gal ‘the competition, I love her but who am I to argue feistiness... with Superman? 80 shoot mel Click here for Tori_orrs. (MYSTERY LADY PRINCESS LEIA 3 fear she'd kill you don't need ne if 1 revealed ‘The Force when her identity. you're feisty! Mow that's fei Hot Links Charles Ruttheimer I1r's Favorite Web Pages * Bikini Tsland catalog Escape to a tropical paradise. Likes Sima Tacrveuaeiy Buffett song without Tn French. But you will faery encroee ae caat enjoy it, since le Jerry speaks the universal ; ; Umaguage of Laughter. Quiz aes * corte eS oy ee Rosi-tine food of coftoo for it would make yoo ae feel inadequate. sone =; ( coptabn muscle FAO. * soc.history.brassiere Complete origins of all ‘gona focly newsgroup 1 read tees pevatiot Fegulorly. Paseinating universes amiss * virtual Tour of the Cirea 1964. (1 hear it’s pretty dull there since Hef got hitched.) Do try the “Shoot Your Way out game! | just Finished a still life LLL btee-ne-a-sell—PorbraitTo: All Field Trip Participants From; Ms, Defoe Our trip to the County Museum of Modem Act (COMMA) will take place this Friday. The bus will leave from the school parking lot at 8:00 A.M. Bring a notebook and pen, an open mind, atid a packed lunch—food available at the museum is pretty, but overpriced Here are some tips to make your art experience both educational and enjoyable DO'S AND DON'TS DO pay attention to the tour guide—or at least look like you are. DO wear your little metal buiton at all times, DO keep your hands to yourself: We don’t want anoiher fiasco like last year’s ura incident at the Palace of Pottery DO jump up and down on the front steps like Rocky, You're only young once. DO write down how the art makes you feel. If it makes you feel nauseous, place your head between your knees and breathe deeply DON’T snicker at the nudes. DON’T try to see how close you ean get to the paintings without setting off the a DON’T step on anything that could be art DON’T ask the guard if he hates his job, DON’T go looking for the dinosaurs—that’s another museum, DON’T pick up any “free” souvenirs in the gift shop, Kevin. THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT ART 1. IP it doesn't look like anything, maybe it's supposed to be an emotion. 2. If it's not an emotion either. it’s “art for art’s sake.” 3. Believe it or not, the biggest paintings are not always, worth the most money. 4, If you are puzzled by something, say “How postinodern!” and move on 5. Sculptors are moodier than painters, (At least that's been MY experience. ) Knowledge is Power, unless you're debating 2 grizzly bearLuece MANATEE GO! FLORION giack ISLAND: FouNDED A.D. jenage DAILY TEMP! aM ———— quinn Morgendorffer. yo wre pieneed to Abies FT chat you have been we eee Be ‘nlehough you have mepurarian for CLrBt-7eCe tudenting precedes YO yon early aamission: 00t exceilent work at Tapeenced us tha we Se conficent in Your student body ig no need for you fose botherseme o682¥9) ‘imply return the fou don’t even need & evamp! pear MS- 1 beachfront .- innoval fda. The soothing 5 ana our pools sg and books-on-tape? Te on subjec ‘able at all times eshaan cl3Bs 300 books cexvice is avail place in oor & gin the necess! ie wait bo see you! to ensure Your promptly 50 we can Pa Good work, Quima! We co ‘Alan sh wacionceme on nce ne spas ethene pe exec ofc cre de + Manatee Coles 0 ~ eee chng wake wt Phe of te ee ect 70 pecomadations and tive and attractive und of rouling Sut fide Library contaans ts relevant £0 three years From news wy financial packground check: Ggsions and Social accepted into not officially and flexible acat institutions 0 Morrison ‘officer ‘Director safe nqenenc” for A000 Be A= pace oR the undergrad applied, your shied to offer demic standards” fe higher learn lense respond were here. We ¢ould switeh eeTHE LANE.Family ee ra feet, ASans and Tasmt Lame Hit Hoar DLE| don't 90 in tor male=bashing: Why limit. yourself?” prin Sime: how her bin im pot ox ho. the is ecm in taxaunie, virbrer bh all carer anpwres! youn. Size 6. Hever worn, Superfine Aqvabeaen Algae a Vilemin Drink Rake ol de_gowel. oO US ona Hone. See Mr. Natl for Auge 7 packAye Oba S GRRAPIVE WRITING: UN, 0” HETLE ue 3/20 tis week's assignnent is to write a short story in vbioh your main character overcones adversity and learns a valust " Seootve a passing grede jou muct utilise porn simile AND actayhors Don't THE MALEVOLENT SECRET OF HADDON HALL By Daria Morgendortter \ arrived at Haddon Hall a lonely, bereft orphan. My reprobate father had left my innocent mother for a small-waisted dance-hall gitl, and the .y3- Saintly soul had gone insane and thrown Nerself into the ewiring Thames ‘cu “My father was later found strangled with a stocking Iwas a desperate animal, shaking with fear and hunger. My shoes were caked with mud and my brow flushed with fever. As thunder roared around me, a jagged streak of lightning ripped through the sky and struck a massive oak treo, It cracked in two and fell, landing inches from where | stood, Was this a foreshadowing of things fo come? 1 had been summoned by the mysterious and reclusive Monsieur La Forge. who had agreed to take me in ugon learning of my parents untimely demise. Rumor has it that my mother (whom | resemble to an astonishing degree) had spurned his affections years before. But what was his interest in me? | elt misgivings, but...anything for a tree meal, | always say. The door creaked open and a ghostly, wizened face appeared. “You must bo Eliza. Enter. Monsieur has been expecting you" | followed the hunched and ancient form into @ dank, dusty room, draped with velvet curtains and ablaze with the light of dozens of candles. Monsieur La Forge stood with his back to me. When he spun around, | could not help but gasp: His teeth came to ivory points, and his eyes were bright yollow and felina in appearance. Bloodstains dotted his shirt. My pulse quickened. Something was not right. So | pulled the wooden stake from under my bodice and thrust it deep into his chest. And a few well-placed kicks to the gut disabled the creaky old geezer. Then | cut off his head just to be on the safe side. For you see, my meek appearance belies an observant nature. ‘And | always carry a wooden stake when venturing into unfamiliar surroundings of a Gothic nature. 'm no dummy. | tore the bejeweled pendant from the dead vampire's neck and began compiling a mental list of reliable pawnshops. If | hurried cn hates Wea rn tf J h alyake our simple test and find out! 1. What qualities do you look for ina friend? A. Sense of humor, character, and intelligence Someone who won't steal my boyfriend. ice hair, expensive cas, perfect h. 2. How would you describe the ideal guy? A.A sincere person who accepts me and loves me for who Tam. He shows up, His family has a different house for each season. casier! If you're a regular reader of WAIF (and have been following our beauty and personality tips), you'te probably pretty popular already, But how can you I'd like to be Popular—if Fequire having it didn’t other People like you WAIF Magazine Asks HOW POPULAR ARE 3. My social cirele is made up of A. People T like and want to get ro know better B. Pes ple I like and wane to get to know so vite me to parties Q People I don't like, bur I want everyone “else to know I hang out with. 4, How big is your closet? A. I've never measured it Less than 36 cubic feet. (C) More than 36 cubic feet.* “IF you need help measuring, ask your math tutor or a cute guy.5. How often do you date? A.A lot B. Quite a lot. VAs much as humanly 6. How do you treat people who are less popular than you? . Like everyone else. 6 make believe I dont see them, . dont have to make believe, since | really DON’T see them. 7. How do you treat people who are more popular than you are? A. Like everyone else. Berter than everyone else, There aren't any. 8, How important are good grades? A. Very: | find it rewarding to succeed academically. B, Somewhat: Otherwise my parents will wane me. Extremely: Or I could end up at some Community college without fraternities or a decent football ream. 9. When you invite someone to a party, they usvally say. A. “Uh. thanks.” B. “Td love to come.” This is the greatest day of my life!” 10, Imagine you have an unpopular sister, What do you do? A. Tell her I love her whether she is popular or not B, Encourage her to be friendly and going, /Ask my parents to put her up for adoption,When two hearts beat as one, someone needs a checkup Ourewrer we postive sd pet (ite he 20). Se ets a ites tke uso fall foe wth FURL er Sracone 3 ein prafsion referred. No. emotional ° ees Netend capay cunts, ‘SOS! ) BBcNsNDeRM CEO, 43. 180] “SWIB/ANSNDPRE for TLC and + Les: REM, NEL Gas Mac NIV ABEAD.AMCAP NG ANINAISA ANTHONY DEMARTINO Dear Miss Box-holder 4848, 1 was intrigued by your ad. Although | rarely venture out amongst the brutish hordes who haunt the cookie-cutter chain restaurants and booze-drenched meat markets that pass themselves off as social gathering places during these waning days of our evilization, |, 100, am hoping to meet that certain special sorneone to cuddle. | differ from the common testosterone-pumping behemoth you might encounter in that | am at peace with myself | enjoy a quiet night at nome with a good book, a roast chicken, aad ihe toes of my {wo well-ormed feet comfortably wiggling about in my prized whi ipo! foot massager. All need is the right woman to complete the picture: 1am a SWM, 48, svelte, with salt-and-pepper hair and Intense good looks. | am magnetic, honest (perhaps too much so) and of inteligence far above average. When you meet me, you wil See that these things are true. | demand much from myself and ofners Some find re brusque, but inside | am a warm, caring individual who merely, sadly, finds the majority of other paople on the planet to be exasneratingly slow-witted. | am an educator by profession and a philosopher by temperament. | have never been tuted, although | did co-habitate back in my "beatnik" days. We are sill friends, although we have not spoken in years. At your leisure, please write to me at the address below. | hope to meet you soon to attempt intimacy. Respectfully yours, (hed het 210 Barker Drive LawndaleFashion 1 Club Minute Wien. a \azy, seerejar diet sade andi aave sci Liioa OneNote ot on tnem —VSarpes;" whieh was very informational sulla nel AO-pR Aine—e lille yp Fomene eluded that we should ki something Ac —Debaicd winieb Laie Ste naps? Decided more research was needed. Agreed that Qvinn right O-xeIT PAUIA PAP SKY Wal you ean see aS are wine pants: will do even HT, REVIEEA ASkina FOr WOrk/Sidy p 4 exelusive so people Aero ard | Sppicx ok 1 SHOULD 9O_ back anc bus. ihe eork-heel plasf ai Cashman's. tien ere Ea Tim esl make. a 415 wit do aed her split ends 4rimmed, slingbacks Ws aeder by Guwiny Sw : ) Sandi Gas Sik at home recever ins $$$ reictermankte eased sy fart cr? Read the minutes from lasi month Spt endS—ihine be—Stre ra, 1 said TA dink about \4 ould nos wear omarald—qpeery ay Sinee none of us is-Iriah Sick in solocs.jinad ave too. r blue-qreen and _____askedmtladtiee [from the sed thy eal much yelle 1 anem. Wi we: hope Ho one notices. Quinn 416 HeFany ————JareiIirenapt Sanat was doing & qood 4 Wesideni—hol inat she was Savina a snitch eA —Sarr ATTY that SAU about horizontal Stripes oF ima tk Upl—We-Sare—wie—tnerdatt— s. Then Quinn Sel NGOs Ao) eovld T fine just 2 GREAT ire and asked ty Say and what she \ st TKE-asing, sible. Then” she semester HOF ? Wines about the disea revival? 104 the samentiaing as-aoir hb sicierortinae > then Vime; that’s jus apparel e.one SaidIs great that my family likes to read It cuts down en all that useless conversation iE COMING CONSULTANT CLOT FULDA ee Fs 9° s ie} a E zt 5 i >a L ONIWIVE PUL Touze SNUSL Wao. o. “ E z $ F Z &Lying here on my bed, staring at a fascinating erack in the ceiling, | ah 8. fa TE Per POT a 2 __te.a whole new Plate where | don't fit in. ['ve made-a.newFrciend who is equally unpopular, so that + we.really drive people away. And, thankfully, [ean always count on my family...to make me want to join — [the Witacss Pratettion Progen, Vex dhitgs have cally inpeaeedin the last. twelve months. By whith | mean they haven't ny worse, "Ak least keeping this journal has been a valuable experiente. Maybe | ___ Flatter myself, but | think | could be a professional writer if | Put my mind to it fA bitter, angry hack who starts fistfights at cocktail | could de that job. Anyway, the sun is setting, the moon is x sing, and_| ¢an hear the 4 Denese sist the sind salle niadedannasouath that's Aaa = j blow dryer: The future is an tnormous question mark, and | don't know 1 —| what bet ahead. L only knew that if it maves, [1m shooting ib. | Daria