A Crown for All (Un)Holy

Khiya

I
I meddle with believing in heaven
I know that the concept is not so new
To wanna live with all of my brethren
Among the sky that G-d has painted blue

My life I have but only one to give

And oft I let imagination bend
Of worlds that have a second life to live
Where plainly I can love you without end

Thinking of days our breaths don’t overlap

Will bring me an unyielding bout of pain
So instead I think of death like a nap
And later I will see your face again

Perhaps if this daydream is not so flawed

It’d make me question if there is a G-d

II
It’d make me question if there is a G-d
If I could come and kiss your rosy lips
I could stare at you, mouth agape and awed
My wanting hands grasped tightly on your hips

My love for you can sometimes look like lust

Since so easily we are ungodly
But for me this care is greater, please trust
Than just giving passion away broadly

You hold the power in a single hand

To stop the trees from ever growing tall
Or cease the tides from ever reaching land
Or keep cowards from ever feeling small

And I’ve kissed girls since I was eleven

If we’re talking sins I’ve done all seven
 III
If we’re talking sins I’ve done all seven
And if I’m honest, maybe I’ve done more
So afterlife belief is a given
Rebelling is existent at my core

In Jewish faith, once you are dead you’re gone

The deeds you do while alive matter most
Life on earth you’re supposed to focus on
But life is not a game with stats to boast

So then why do you focus on the good

If doing it wont change the ending still?
For Jews we do it just because we should
With no true goal we’re trying to fulfill

But since I want heaven, I get no laud

I wonder if, as a Jew I’m a fraud

IV
I wonder if, as a Jew, I’m a fraud
My mouth burns with the ugly word convert
I just know that others think that I’m odd
So always I’m on super high alert

I try to practice like I am the best

I do what I can to prove that I’m real
Kosher, Shabbos Shomer and all the rest
Wonder how to show the way that I feel

Faith as a Jew lets me love myself whole

Learning allowed and questioning a must
If I’m gay that is nothing on my soul
There’s no part of me I need to adjust

And guess I didn’t realize it was true

The first time I fell in love it was you
 V
The first time I fell in love it was you
I believed then we were everlasting
That nothing I would ever do was new
And now my beliefs would be contrasting

Can I cast away belief just for love

Because I’m unwilling to let you go?
Do I accept a bright palace above
With not a piece of evidence to show?

You make me never want to say goodbye.

So for you I’ll do something that I hate
I’ll look for a space after when I die
So I can find ways to avoid our fate

I closed my eyes when finally we kissed

I think at my core, there’s something I missed

VI
I think at my core there’s something I missed
While carbon stardust was intertwining
There’s something in us that I had dismissed
Not thinking clearly as I was pining

Before I knew your soul and lovely heart

We existed somewhere beyond this space
Past time itself, our spirits were an art
We were braided on Mount Sinai with grace

I know how I pray is unorthodox

Outside of what the rabbis have advised
Jewish problems aren't out of the box
I take issue that it is organized

Ornate temples make my praying go askew

Believing in G-d is hard in a pew
 VII
Believing in G-d is hard in a pew
I’d prefer to love Him in the wild
In temple the prayers we sing are not few
But they are not proper for this child

When I’m outside I can pray to the skies

I hear response when the birds choose to sing
I see the divine in my lovers eyes
The heaven that her smile will often bring

In nature I can talk to G-d alone

Tell the wind what I want to be one day
I can climb a mountain and then atone
Resisting inevitable decay

When I pray I wonder if They exist

Should I let Him in or should I resist?

VIII
Should I let Him in or should I resist?
Can I believe and find ways to keep her?
When I die, how then will our love persist
In a way that’s more than just a whisper

I’m likely wrong to ask this much from Him

Begging at the knees of divinity
I’m sending letters in the form of hymn
Petitioning unholy trinities

There will one day be a final shadow

And on that journey I’m unattended
I hope those left behind aren’t filled with woe
That our problems can all be amended

I think of it while hearing the death knell

Even if there’s heaven, there’s not a Hell
 IX
Even if there’s heaven, there’s not a Hell
Hell is what you’d put me through if you left
I dont think I’ll let my heart say farewell
And I have never ever been bereft

But how could we be punished for living?

What or who decides that I am all wrong
Don’t believe in G-d as unforgiving
I’ve known He will forgive me all along

Writing poetry isn’t writing oath

I won’t promise to be fully pious
Am I some kind of imp for loving both
The bad and better without a bias

With belief I will not engage in strife

Why should I care about an afterlife?

X
Why should I care about an afterlife
When no one has ever cared about me?
I’m not saying it makes me drowned in spite
But it doesn’t make me fill up with glee

Without a heaven today matters more

I have to count my blessings by each hand
Like there’s no G-d above whose keeping score
And there is no bad place for all the damned

If I’m going somewhere I’d like to think

That my soft soul is doing good enough
But when I reflect my ego will shrink
Because being moral is really tough

If there’s heaven or Hell I cannot tell

I think without it I can still be well
 XI
I think without it I can still be well
I can exist warm in the present day
To worry will be a much harder sell
If I’m not to fret over what I say

I read once love can cancel all that’s bad

And I would absolutely disagree
Instead, love just has something more to add
A happiness and smile guarantee

Blinded to realistic point of view

It dawns you in glasses of rose color
There’s only one thing for you to pursue
The embrace of someone to discover

It’s not like I believe you’ll be my wife

Faith slashes iron curtains like a knife

XII
Faith slashes iron curtains like a knife
It reminds me of time limitations
Faith keeps me centered on everyday life
It can control my own expectations

But why should I bother with my own G-d

If He makes me leave my lover behind
I have this super Jewish girl facade
But I’m more than that, I have my own mind

I look at the world as if I’m a sleuth

I question what every single text means
I’m searching for a universal truth
But humans are not well-oiled machines

My wrestling in this doesn’t have reprieve

If there’s a heaven I want to believe
 XIII
If there’s a heaven I want to believe
I think that it would make it more painless
Than having to take my time to bereave
Walking around unpartnered and aimless

When I lose you, I hope that it’s not death

That takes you harshly from my own embrace
I hope that I don’t watch your dying breath
Or see the brown eyes close upon your face

You make me understand my convictions

But you make me question what I think too
Make my head fill up with contradictions

Want there to be a reason not to leave

And if there’s not I’ll find a way to grieve

XIV
And if there’s not I’ll find a way to grieve
The things I wish I could’ve done better
And people I wanted to help achieve
All their dreams down to the very letter

I have so much left to do, I can’t die

Especially if when I’m gone I’m dead
I have so many more new things to try
The thought of being gone fills me with dread

Maybe I know what I believe is wrong

Something after this just doesn’t make sense
I have known my stance on this all along
But if I can stand as my own defense

Still I have not learned my first lesson

I meddle with believing in heaven
 XV
I meddle with believing in heaven
It’d make me question if there is a G-d
If we’re talking sins I’ve done all seven
I wonder if, as a Jew, I’m a fraud

The first time I fell in love it was you

I think at my core, there’s something I missed
Believing in G-d is hard in a pew
Should I let Him in or should I resist?

Even if there’s heaven, there’s not a Hell

Why should I care about an afterlife?
I think without it I can still be well
Faith slashes iron curtains like a knife

If there’s a heaven I want to believe

And if there’s not I’ll find a way to grieve