Aging Gracelessly

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/6144940.

Rating: General Audiences

Archive Warning: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: F/M, M/M
Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Relationship: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Teddy
Lupin/James Sirius Potter, Fleur Delacour/Nymphadora Tonks
Character: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Lily Evans Potter, Teddy
Lupin, James Sirius Potter, Albus Severus Potter, Lily Luna Potter,
Harry Potter, Dorcas Meadowes, Marlene McKinnon
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe- non magic, texting fic, technology impaired, mid-life
Marauders, Slow Burn, First Meet, First Kiss, Fluff, second gen, third
gen, genderfluid teddy
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2016-03-02 Completed: 2016-03-19 Chapters: 6/6 Words:
13280

Aging Gracelessly
by orphan_account

Summary

Remus is being dragged into the modern century by his son in the form of a brand-new
smartphone. He means to text Teddy, and ends up accidentally meeting, and sharing his
plight with another person in the same boat as him. Though Remus thinks it's just a passing
moment, little does he know what wheels have been set in motion.

Notes

Okay based off of/written for remuswannadosirius who wrote the post- more middle aged
dads wrong number au’s okay, lets talk about this! Remus with teenage Teddy and Sirius
with godson Harry, and they both kinda such at electronics so they keep asking their kids
for help. and they get all gooey and cute like teenagers but they’re adults and they have
jobs and ride the train and are responsible.

It's not exactly as the prompt (I'm dipping my toes into the Jeddy ship so I went with this
instead) was stated, but I thought middle-age texting would be hilarious so...here it is. I
know I have loads to finish and should not be starting another WIP but here I go with one
anyway. Enjoy! x
 Chapter 1

Testing? Is this working?

idontknowhowtotext

whoisthis?

Er it’s your dad. Teddy, are you trying to be funny. You know how to text.

imnotted.help.

Okay that’s a little funny, strange person on the other end of the phone. Aren’t you supposed
to (2/2) use it like a keyboard? A computer?

Fifteen minutes later…

I think I figured it out. I don’t use a computer tho.

That explains it. My son got me this mobile and I guess strange mobile person, you got to
(2/2) be my first ever text message.

Fifteen minutes later…

Good Job mate. If you’re as old as I am the mobile thing makes sense.

Dragged kicking and screaming into the smart phone century. My son insisted (2/2) that I
upgrade because he wants to do something called skye…or. I don’t know. This is too much
for me.

My grand-godson forced this thing upon me. I’m getting the hang of it. I discovered these things…

*series of repeated emojis from happy faces, to shades, to poop.*

Oh my god.

I can tell you’re old. You use proper grammar and punctuation.

Like you.

Touche.

*series of emojis*

I don’t know how I lived without these

Actual human facial expressions?

Don’t underestimate my social reclusiveness, strange mobile man. I work as a mechanic. They pay
(2/2) me to fix up their cars and bikes, not make faces.

*smiley emoji* Found mine as well. Very clever. And mechanic, that’s interesting.
It really isn’t. It’s quite dull. And my back just isn’t in it these days. Trying to train up some (2/2) of
the sprogs in the family but they have all these other mad ideas.

Like comfy desk jobs?

I hear those ergonomic chairs are actually really bad for you.

I sit on a giant bouncy ball and have a bike pedal machine under my desk.

You’re a sodding liar!

I’d prove it if I could work out how to take photos on this thing. Hang on…

*pic sent*

Mate, are you wearing socks with bumble bees on them?

Buggering fuck. Yes. That wasn’t what I…

*pic sent*

Okay what the fuck is THAT?

Okay I give up. I have no idea what the hell I’m meant to do with this clicky thing and my
deskmate (2/2) is laughing her arse off at me and refuses to help. You’ll have to take my
word.

I suppose you’ve not lied to me so far.

You trust too easily. I’m probably a serial killer. I could be the zodiac.

I heard that was that barmy American politician, Ted something or other?

That’s my son’s name. He’s furious about that. His mates keep taking the piss.

Which is why I wouldn’t have opted for normal names if I’d had kids. No point. We’re all fucked

True. Well it was nice to chat to you, phone stranger. But I’m going to get sacked if I keep
this up.

Good luck on working out the photos. Thanks for the help and all that.

Any time.

***

Remus banged his keys into the small bowl by the door and eased his arms out of his coat. His
back was aching from his shitty chair, but the thought of it now made him grin. The conversation
had been so random, and honestly he never did get a hold of Teddy even after the stranger had
stopped sending messages.

He attempted to figure out the contraption, which had no resemblance to a phone whatsoever, but
gave up the longer Dori laughed at him. She, of course, was far more up to date on the whole
technology front. Remus had held on to his “ancient Nokia relic” as Teddy called it for as long as
he could. But he was unceremoniously informed that his mobile would no longer work as of the
first of the month and he was being forced to upgrade.

And it wasn’t like Remus was ancient. He was only fifty-two. Hardly some relic the way the rude
man had described the trusty device which had got him through the latter nineties and then some.
But he was just…unaccustomed to change. It was his least favourite thing. It took him long enough
every time they updated the software at work. And logically Remus knew he had to be more
flexible. The state of technology seemed to be doubling every six months.

Once upon a time he joked that humans would soon be uploaded to the web and have information
downloaded straight to their brains. And whilst the idea might still be a little ridiculous, it seemed
more and more like the world was moving that way.

And fighting it was pointless.

As he moved to the kitchen to start up the kettle, he heard a crash and winced. His boy was just as
bad as his mum was—clumsy and reckless, but adorable nonetheless. The best decision he’d ever
made was to go forward with Nym’s barmy plan to make a baby.

“Look, you’re not getting younger, and neither am I…”

“You’re barely twenty six,” he’d attempted to argue.

“And I can’t think of anyone in the world I’d like to have be the father of my kid. Fleur and I are
ready for this, Re. Please. You don’t even have to be part of this.”

Which of course was out of the question. If Remus was going to do this, he was going all in. He’d
known Nymphadora since she was in his English class for sixth form and whilst he thought she
was just going to be another one of those mad students he’d never forget—instead she turned into a
lifelong friend.

He stood with her at her and Fleur’s wedding, and not a handful of years later, stood by her beside
in hospital as she pushed out a wailing child.

That child who was now eighteen, plunging head-first into University though really he wanted to
be some vagabond artist busking on the streets, but neither of his parents would let him. “You can
be a tortured artist and have food in your stomach and a roof over your head,” Remus argued.

Teddy complained loudly and furiously that it was unfair. How could they take that away from
him. Nym insisted he give it a try. Four days later he showed up on Remus’ doorstep with an
apology on his lip, and a black eye for his cheek when he got a bit shirty with someone who tried
to steal his tip cup.

Needless to say, he saw things their way after that.

Now he was mostly stayed with Remus due to the close proximity to the campus. Remus only
taught part time anymore. He mostly worked at Flourish and Blott’s Publishing House, working as
an editing supervisor there—which was a good job apart from the obnoxious issue with technology
—and he was content. And could happily afford a better life for Teddy than Remus had lived
during his Uni years.

Just as Remus poured water into his mug, Teddy came skidding into the kitchen, his brightly
coloured socks—something he and Teddy had in common—skidding on the slick flooring. “Dad! I
thought you like died or your evil mobile uploaded you to the matrix or something.”

Remus blinked at him. “Matrix.”

“God watch a movie without subtitles just once, okay?”

“I’ve watched plenty, thank you. I’ll have you know I was a stick-it-to-the-man rebel when I was
your age.”

“I doubt anyone ever actually said stick it to the man,” Teddy said. He snatched Remus’ tea away
from him, taking a gulp of the black, bitter liquid.

Remus sighed and grabbed a second mug. “How was your day?”

“Apart from waiting all sodding day for you to text me? Just fine.”

Remus felt his cheeks flush. “Ah well. See I attempted, but I think I programmed your number
incorrectly because I got a response but it wasn’t you.”

“Oh my god, you wrong number texted. Please please god tell me you said something
embarrassing!”

“I didn’t,” Remus defended, huffing as he added milk. “He was just as lost as I was.”

Teddy blinked owlishly. “What? What does that mean?”

“It means that your old man actually helped sort out someone else who was technologically
impaired and helped them with their own texting skills.”

Teddy slammed his mug on the counter far too hard. Tea sloshed onto his knuckles but he paid it
no mind as he stuck out his hand, his black polish glinting in the overhead light. “Gimmie.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Teddy…no.”

“Give me your mobile immediately right now. I need to see this.”

Remus attempted to refute his son, but was flung against the counter and as much as he protested,
Teddy wormed the mobile out of his trouser pocket and skipped across the room. With movements
far quicker than Remus would ever accomplish, Teddy thumbed through and his eyes widened.

“Oh my god. You flirted. You old man flirted! You gay old man flirted with another gay old man!”

“I did not,” Remus said. “And you’ve no proof he’s a man.”

“Please. He’s probably some old fairy just like you. Holy shit this could be destiny.” Teddy’s
fingers began to fly across the keys.

“Ted. What…what are you doing?”

“I’m setting in motion what might be the greatest love affair of your life, dad!”

“Teddy!” Remus swiped for the mobile and looked down at the message, his eyes widened. “How
do you unsend this! Quick before he sees it!”

Teddy grinned triumphantly. “Sorry, dad. That technology doesn’t exist just yet. You’ll thank me
later.” Then Teddy escaped the flat before Remus could stop him and pummel the boy into next
week.

With a sigh, he glanced down at the screen. You can call me Moony, btw. So you got a selfie?
Nudes? I’m pretty sure you’re hot and I think we have something here.
Remus gulped, then let out a small cry when his mobile vibrated almost violently against his palm.

Christ. Moony? I don’t know if I should ask. Except I am curious now. Nudes???

Remus flushed. That was my former son—he’s disowned now. Forever. I’m sorry.

Five minutes later…

Pity. Because I was actually trying to figure out this camera thing. Do you really disagree? We
have nothing here?

Remus nearly choked. I don’t know what to say. Don’t even know your name.

How about call me Padfoot. Moony. And maybe we can continue this tomorrow? I’ve a pressing
engagement

Remus glanced at the screen, and against all better judgment began to type back. Tomorrow
sounds good.
 Chapter 2
Chapter Notes

I have no idea how long this fic is going to be, but....I'll try to be more regular with
updates.

For now enjoy some Jeddy introductions and old nerds doing more texting. x

With a sigh, Teddy pulled his motorbike up to the front of the garage and listened for the ding in
the back signalling his arrival. He had the name card in his pocket, embossed with the title Canis
Major Motorbike Garage, and the name Jamie Potter he hadn’t had the bollocks to text, with a
mobile number scribbled on the back.

He’d been at the University campus struggling to get the damned thing started when another
student sauntered over. He had dark skin, wild hair, hazel eyes, and a smirk that went straight to
Teddy’s gut. His gaze raked over Teddy’s ripped jeans and pastel blue hair, focusing on his lip
ring, then gauged ears. “Car trouble?” he said in a slightly mocking tone.

Teddy sighed, about to tell this kid off because whilst he might have been bloody gorgeous in his
ridiculous black and white striped shirt and skinny jeans, he was in no mood for some poncy shite
to give him problems over his bike.

Only that wasn’t what happened.

Instead the kid strolled over, popped a latch on the side, fiddled with something in the engine, and
the bike started. Of course it had a horrible, mechanical cough and stutter, which was what led this
kid, “Jamie,” he introduced himself, to handing Teddy off his card. “Look, I’m there all day
Saturday. Just bring it by. I’ll give you the too cute to exist discount.”

Then he was off and Teddy was stood there with his jaw half-open in a state of disbelief because
really?

He knew he wasn’t unattractive. He had decent luck with blokes and with the girls—his long-
standing, barmy off-and-on relationship with Victoire had just gone off again but generally he
wasn’t leered at like that.

But here he was now, after spending the morning with his dad helping the poor man sort out the
rather hilarious texting issue with the anonymous stranger who he still hadn’t asked to meet him
properly, at this garage. Waiting.

Several moments went by before a man round his dad’s age walked out. He was good looking,
even Teddy could see that. Long, black hair tied up in a high bun. He had on a filthy t-shirt that
was at one point white, ripped and stained jeans tucked into clunky motorbike boots, and he had a
smattering of tattoos surprisingly artfully done—mostly flowers in a watercolour style—up and
down his forearms. His narrow eyes crinkled at the corners, and Teddy was impressed with the
incredible grey colour. Like storm clouds.

If only his dad had been here. He could see his once-rebel yet swotty father being all over this.
“Can I help you?”

Teddy blinked, then cleared his throat. “Right er. Sorry. Yeah. I’m looking for Jamie?”

The man’s face softened, almost into a smirk. “Ah. Jamie. He didn’t tell me he had plans.”

Teddy’s face erupted into a high blush—something he completely blamed his dad for—and he
shook his head. “No I…he said to bring my bike over. It was making a funny noise yesterday and
he helped me get it started.” Teddy nodded his head back over to where it was parked.

The man stared, then gave a very bark-like laugh. “I’m Sirius, I own the garage. Jamie’s upstairs
making tea but he’ll be down in like five.” Reaching into his pocket, Sirius pulled out a flannel,
swiped his hands, then offered one out to Teddy.

“Oh er…” Teddy stumbled a bit, tripping over his shoe before grabbing Sirius’ hand and shaking
it. “I’m Teddy.”

Sirius nodded, then walked round him toward the bike. It was old, of course. It had been his
granddad’s and had been sat unused for years. Teddy took it upon himself to restore it when he was
sixteen, not being allowed to properly drive it until he was eighteen although several of his more
severe punishments had come from not exactly listening to that rule.

“Restoration job?” Sirius asked, running his hand along the seat.

Teddy nodded. “Yeah. Did it myself about six years ago. It’s been running fine until recently and I
can sort out smaller issues but I thought I’d have a professional look at it.”

Sirius gave him a look that screamed disbelief. And Teddy wasn’t exactly convincing. He’d
restored the bike himself and now he needed a mechanic. “Did he offer you the too cute to exist
discount?”

Teddy flushed white-hot. “He does that a lot?”

“No,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes. “That’s my trick, the little shit. He’s pants at flirting.”

Teddy kind of wanted to melt into the ground and disappear, but at that moment Jamie walked
down. He was wearing clothes similar to Sirius, only he pulled them off in a James Dean sort of
way. The short sleeves of the t-shirt were rolled up revealing his biceps, and his jeans were
unbelievably tight. Teddy gulped, then offered back a smile when Jamie saw him.

“I didn’t think you’d show.”

“The cute to exist discount?” Sirius said.

Jamie looked completely unembarrassed as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a mobile.
“Shut up, old man. You left this upstairs and it’s been beeping with a notification. It’s probably
your secret boyfriend.”

Sirius at that point did go a bit pink in the cheeks as he took it and swiped the screen open. He took
several steps away, leaving Teddy and Jamie stood by the bike.

“So. Do I still get the discount even though your dad just embarrassed the hell out of you?”

Jamie snorted. “He’s not my dad. He’s my er…whatever? Grand-god-father? Or something. And
my boss. And a complete ponce. But yes, you can still have the discount. Only it’s conditionary.”
Teddy lifted a brow. “What sort of conditions?”

“Coffee or a drink.” Jamie smiled widely, revealing slightly crooked eye-teeth.

“Well you don’t waste any time,” Teddy said, but he was a bit glad of it. He really wasn’t in the
mood to actually spend good money on a bike issue he could sort out himself. “But it’s a deal.
Only…what if we skipped the discount and went straight to the drink?”

Before Jamie could answer, Sirius walked over looking a bit sheepish, holding the mobile out to
Jamie. “What the hell does this mean?”

Jamie glanced at it, then threw his head back and laughed. “It means hit me up. Like…ring or text.
When you’re not busy. Oh my god you’re falling in love with some old man who actually
understands the language of the youth.”

“I am absolutely not falling in love,” Sirius said. He snatched the mobile back, then began—with
one finger and so slow it actually made Teddy’s insides hurt— to text back.

As Sirius wandered off, Jamie groaned. “It’s all my fault. I talked that idiot into getting a mobile
and now he’s got some boyfriend but he has no idea what he’s doing.”

Teddy laughed. “My dad’s the same, you know. He had this ancient fucking Nokia flip phone but
the woman at the shop bloody refused to allow his account to continue with it. Now he’s
attempting to be hip and cool, and failing miserably.”

Jamie laughed, easing a bit closer to Teddy, and nudged him with his elbow. “Old people are so
gross. I want to be old and gross. Super old and super gay and madly in love like my grandparents
and my parents.”

Teddy smiled. “That sounds fairly brilliant. My dad’s a shite role model for that. Shagged my
mum, didn’t work out—obviously because he’s bi as hell but really only likes blokes. But he’s such
an idiot—thinks if he’s got a kid no one wants to deal with the responsibility. So he just kind of
stayed all alone.”

“Hmm, sounds familiar,” Jamie said, glancing over at a chair under the awning where Sirius was
now sat, continuing his horrid texting pace. “If he wasn’t so in love with this idiot on the other end
of the mobile, I’d suggest getting them to meet.”

“No worries, my dad’s got one of his own right now anyway.” Teddy looked over at Jamie and felt
something warm blossoming in his gut. “So. About that drink?”

“I’m sorted here in a few hours. Want to come pick me up. Give me a ride on your bike?” Jamie
winked, and Teddy managed to somehow trip whilst standing still.

Righting himself, he cleared his throat. “Euphemisms even before our first date. I kind of like it?”

“I’m one of a kind, what can I say,” Jamie replied with a shrug. “So…couple hours?”

“I’ll be here.”

“Excellent.”

***

I just had to ask my godson what hmu means. How do you even know that?
Oh that would be my son. Again.

I thought he was an ex son?

Idle threat, really. Unfortunately for me, I actually seem to love him. It’s an empty threat
I’ve been using for years.

Sort of like when I tell my cat one more scratch and she’s going to the pound?

Reckon something like that. I said orphanage once but then he had nightmares for a month.
Orphan Annie-themed.

Father of the year, Moony. I should give you an award.

Sod off.

*series of laughing face emojis*

Clever. And mature. We should date straight away.

I knew you couldn’t resist my charms forever, Moony. When do we date? Feels a bit like online
dating.

I feel like I’m being peer pressured into smoking pot, and I’ll have you know my stoner days
have long since passed.

Don’t worry about that, darling. The last time I got stoned I tried to work on my bike and nearly
lost three fingers. Learnt my lesson. No wacky backy.

Oh my god I haven’t heard that phrase since the seventies.

It was a far better time. Bell bottoms, paisley, wacky backy. Birds and Blokes. Plonkers.

Were you a bell bottoms and paisley sort?

I was a ripped crop top, Mick Jagger, licking the microphone sort.

I haven’t even seen your face and I could see it.

*pic sent*

Shit. What is that? What the hell did I just send?

*laughing face emoji*

I think your finger is over the lens when you took it. My kid said something about forward
facing camera but I dunno what that means.

*series of random photos of the ground, half a boot, and a chair*

Er.

I give up. You’ll just have to take my word on it that I did and still do pull off Mick Jagger.

I would love to continue this, but my boss keeps trying to ring through and I have to be glued
to my work computer this weekend. Text later?

Why not. My grand-godson is heading out on some date with a punk kid with a lip ring and funky
hair. I’ll just live vicariously until you put me out of my misery.

Your penchant for dramatics has not gone unnoticed. Also my kid is very much that type.
Too bad I didn’t know that before, maybe we could have introduced them.

Nah the kid hates everyone I’ve ever tried to introduce him to on principal of me being old and not
cool anymore. Thank god I have you, Moony.

Yes, thank god. Okay I’m off. Talk soon. And I wouldn’t worry, I’m sure your misery will
end soon enough x
 Chapter 3
Chapter Notes

I really honestly don't have a specific plan for this fic. I'm going to write it until I run
out of ideas and they have to meet. And the chapters will probably all be quite short.
But I'm having a blast. x

Sirius strolled into the Potters’ kitchen like he owned the place, ignoring Lily’s glower as he went
to the kitchen and grabbed her very nice hand soap he wasn’t supposed to touch all covered in
motor grease and grime. He began to scrub at his hands as James came round, opening the cabinet
and handed him some of the mechanic scrub.

Sirius grinned, nuzzling his face against the side of James’ for a second. “Grandpa.”

“…nineteen years and it’s still not old.”

Sirius grinned, all teeth. “You know your grandson picked up some blue-haired hipster today at
the shop.”

Leant against the counter, James crossed his arms. “Is that so?”

“Mm.” Sirius nodded as he grabbed for Lily’s hand towel, and was diverted to a wad of kitchen
paper instead. He sighed, picking at the black stains in the corners of his nails. “Cute, too. Came in
under false pretences, but the way Jamie looked at him, I couldn’t give him too hard a time.”

“False pretences?” Lily asked, wrapping her fingers round her tea mug.

“Claimed to have an issue with his bike, but confessed he’d built the damned thing himself.” Sirius
pulled out his mobile which was making occasional vibrate noises in his pocket. He swiped open
the screen and his eyes squinted at the words there. “Christ almighty.”

James lifted a brow. “Is that a smart phone? Padfoot, have you upgraded?”

“Jamie’s sodding fault!” Sirius cried. “The little shit drags me off to get his sorted and the next
thing you know, I’ve got this in my hands and I’ve no idea what to do with it. And no idea what
any of this means.”

James snatched it from his hands and peered through his glasses at the screen. “I-M-O I think beer
is shite M-8, but W-E. H-M-U L-8-R.” James blinked, then looked at Sirius. “What the fuck is
this?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius cried. “One minute he’s texting perfectly fine, then suddenly I get this and
he claims it’s his son but I dunno.” He sat back with a sigh. “Though I was informed today that H-
M-U means hit me up.”

“Hit me up. Jesus Christ, are you chatting up a twenty year old?”

“Well you know, I might be,” Sirius said with a snort. “It was some miss-text is what Jamie called
it. Apparently he was trying to reach his kid and got me and we’ve been chatting a bit. I reckon it’s
a little like that online dating thing Al keeps trying to talk me into.”

Lily choked into her tea mug. “This is too good.”

Sirius leant across the table at her. “You know what this rubbish all means? I mean you teach these
children.”

“I teach sixth formers and I try not to have a look at any of their mobiles. But I’m pretty sure he’s
saying something like in his opinion beer is shite, and you should chat him later.”

“How the hell do they translate that into proper English?” Sirius asked with a groan. He snatched
the mobile back and glowered at James who was openly laughing. “S’not funny you arse.”

“It is a little bit. You’ve had dry spell lasting for ages, and suddenly this happens? You have to go
for it. Have you exchanged photos yet?”

Sirius shook his head. “I actually tried to send him something called a selfie,” he paused when Lily
choked on her tea again, “but I ended up taking a photo of my boots and the chair before I gave
up.”

“Here,” Lily said, and yanked the mobile from him. She pushed a button, then aimed the phone
straight at him. “Give us your best smile, love.”

Sirius gave a grimace instead, then he heard a shutter click. “How was it?”

“Shite,” she said. “How about a proper one?”

Sirius sighed but leant back, throwing one arm over the back of the chair and gave his best look.
And it was a good one. Practically fifty and he could still pull if he really wanted to. Age had been
kind to Sirius Black.

“That’s much better. Shall I send it?” she asked.

“Er. Maybe wait a bit. I’m not even sure what any of this actually means.” Sirius sighed again and
looked down at the screen. “Dunno what to even say back to that.”

Only Lily had noticed the arrival of the black-haired teen, who reached down and snatched the
mobile away from Sirius. Ignoring all protests, Jamie managed to keep the mobile out of reach as
he read, then howled with laughter as he sent something back.

Sirius eventually pinned him, ripping the device from his fingers and read. “What…did you say?”

“Just told him he was being a pretentious git.” Jamie reached over, grabbing a pear from a basket
before sliding into the chair next to Lily and laying his head on her shoulder. “Hi Gran.”

Lily kissed his forehead, her eyes going soft and fond. “Darling. How were your lectures today?”

“Sh—er I mean. Well they were fine, just boring is all.” He scrubbed at his face. “Can I stay here
tonight. I really don’t feel like going back to the flat. It smells like dirty socks.”

“If you lot would actually clean it wouldn’t,” James reminded him.

Rolling his eyes, the boy gave his grandmother a long pout until she threw up her hands. “Fine. But
don’t expect any fancy cooking. I’ve had a hellish day.”

“Granddad’s got it, yeah?” Jamie said with a grin neither of his grandparents could say no to.
Sirius, meanwhile, was grinning. The text back was definitely from Moony and not the elusive,
phone-stealing son.

I was able to decipher about half of that. Grand-godson I take it?

Yes, the little shit. I’m over at his grandparents right now and he’s attempting to convince them to
let him stay over and be cooked a proper meal.

Ah the Uni days. Mine is so spoilt, still hasn’t left home and I’m afraid if I keep treating him
like I love him, he’s going to stay forever.

Time to freeze him out. It’s for the greater good.

Quick question, what does LOL mean?

Got me, mate. Probably like loads of laundry or lots of love?

Presumptious aren’t you? Do you have loads of laundry?

Reckon I do, but I bribe one of the grand-god kids to do it for me.

Bribe them?

I have very little morals.

That bodes…well.

I’ll have you know in spite of my dodgy morals I am a fucking delight.

With a swearing problem?

Define problem.

*series of laughing-face emojis*

I feel the creator of the silly text faces are starting to regret inventing them.

How dare you? But how would they know?

Don’t they get copies of texts?

Oh god I hope not. Moony, do they? Moony?

Er. I don’t know. Why, have you been sending naughty things?

Well. No. But isn’t that thought terrifying?

I live a good, upstanding, moral life, Padfoot. I’m afraid I can’t sympathise.

That terrifies me. We need to get together so I can corrupt you. It’s not too late, is it? I’m nearly
fifty.

Can’t teach old dog new tricks? Isn’t that how it goes?

Are you calling me a dog? Please don’t answer that. Actually I have to go. My mates, my evil evil
mates, and my grand-godson are slagging me now.
Sounds dreadful. Another time, then?

Count on it.

*pic*

To tide you over. That’s me in all my glory. I hope I get one in return.

***

Remus was stood in the door way to the bathroom staring at his phone. Padfoot—he still didn’t
know this bloke’s name—was gorgeous. Like how could he possibly be a middle aged man sort of
gorgeous. He had a smile that made Remus go weak in the knees, all sunny, crinkled eyes, and a bit
of fringe fell over one eye.

It almost made him ache.

And Padfoot wanted a text photo back, which made Remus both want to send it, but also vomit a
little because he was absolutely not nearly as good looking as this man was. His mouth was going
dry just thinking about it.

But he owed him. Or…something. Didn’t he?

The conversations were actually going somewhere, though they had been skirting making any solid
plans to actually meet each other. But Remus wanted to a little bit now. Or more than a little bit, if
he was being honest with himself.

He startled when a call came through, and he saw Teddy’s name on the screen. “This had better be
good, son.”

“I love you too, dad. Honestly I feel so welcomed and appreciated every time you greet me.”

“What do you want?”

“Just checking in on my old man. What are you doing right now?”

“Well. Honestly?” Remus sighed, scrubbing a hand down his face. “I was trying to work out how
to switch on to that camera bit you told me about so I could take a photo of myself.”

“For your super old super gay text boyfriend?”

“He is neither super old nor my boyfriend.”

“But he is super gay?” Teddy pressed. “Did he send you a photo? Is he hot? God I bet he’s so hot.”
When Remus said nothing, only clearing his throat, Teddy cackled. “Oh my god I knew it. I knew
it. You’re going to have some gauche gay-ass wedding with like glitter and Cher. Oh god tell me
you’re going to invite Cher. Don’t you seventies queers love her?”

“I don’t know Cher, and we’re not getting married,” Remus said with a groan. “What are you doing
right now?”

“Talking you through your selfie. Look, if you can’t work out how to switch the camera, just take
one in the mirror. You can angle it so you get just your face or whatever.”

Remus looked down at his bare chest—he’d been preparing for a bath—and shrugged. “Well,
reckon I can do that. How hard is it?”
“Exactly.”

“Alright well, are you at your mum’s?”

“Yes. She says you’re a giant idiot. Which probably means I love you and other mushy parent
stuff.”

“See you tomorrow,” Remus said dryly.

“Laterz!”

The line went dead, and Remus walked fully into the bathroom. He stared at the mobile screen,
opened up his text messages, then swiped his finger along the camera icon, and a second later, it
flared up with a view of the sink. It accidentally took a photo of the silver faucet, but Remus was
able to back out before it sent.

“Jesus,” he muttered to himself. With a sigh, he held up the mobile, at an angle where it was
showing his shoulders, neck, and face. He attempted a couple of smiles, groaning at how ridiculous
this all felt, but it was for the greater good. Maybe Padfoot wouldn’t find him half bad looking.

With a sigh, he swiped his finger to take the photo, and there was a long delay before the click. He
glanced down to see the sending icon, but when it flared to life on the screen he realised with some
horror that somehow he’d activated the forward facing camera and currently sending was a photo
of his left nipple.

“Shit. Buggering fuck oh my god,” he cried, trying to back out. Panicked, he opened up the dial
screen and rang up Teddy who answered a second later. “How do you unsend a photo!”

There was a long pause. “Oh my god did you send him your dick?”

“Teddy! Jesus Christ, no! But I…well I made a mistake. A big mistake.”

“What did you do?” Teddy asked slowly. When Remus explained it, Teddy howled with laughter
so hard and so long, Remus thought he’d have to call paramedics. “Oh my god dad no. Oh god. No
you can’t just spring this on a bloke like that! I’m dying. I’m literally, actually dying. I have
actually died and you are now talking to the ghost of your son. RIP.”

“Teddy! Tell me I can unsend it!”

“Sorry pops. You can’t. It’s in the void and in moments it will be on his screen.”

There was a vibrate beyond the call and Remus felt dread settle into the pit of his stomach. “Oh
god. That was a text.”

“Oh fuck. I have resurrected only to be killed again. Please please tell me what he said.”

“No!” Remus cried. “This is your fault. You talked me into this mess, and you’re the one with the
rubbish number I couldn’t get right. I renounce all fatherly ties. Tell your mother she’s a single
parent now.”

“I love you so much, dad. Like so much it hurts.”

Remus decided that hanging up on his child wasn’t any sort of child neglect or abuse, and did so.
He paced a second before deciding he might as well get this over with.

Swiping open the screen, he braced himself to read.

At least buy me dinner before you sext.

I have never been more embarrassed in my life. My ex-child was talking me through how to
take a photo. I was getting ready for a bath and well…the Universe hates me.

It bloody well loves me because that is a fit chest. Anyway you can work out how to send the rest of
you?

If I somehow manage to get my cock I give up forever and I will henceforth give up all rights
to every mobile for as long as I live.

So dramatic, Moony. Come on, let’s have it.

Five minutes later…

*selfie*

Survey says?

Shaggable. Which I’m allowed to say as I have a photo of your nipple. I’d send you one of mine but
I’m in pyjamas in bed already.

I disagree with how these scales have tipped in your favour.

Maybe a drink will make it up to you?

Remus sucked in his breath, then decided what the hell.

Let me check and see when I’ve got free after I get to the office tomorrow. If you can be
patient.

I have a small well. Don’t exhaust it.

Good night, Padfoot.

Good night Moony. I realise the photo should have been of your arse, Living up to your name and
all that. x

Maybe tomorrow.
 Chapter 4
Chapter Notes

Happy Alien Faces.....(I stole this idea off one of those text from your mom sites but I
can't find it now)

“Why are you grinning like an idiot?”

“What? How dare you? How dare you say that to my face!” Jamie looked up from where he was
scrubbing a nasty oil stain from the floor, where a bike had just been. “First you make me do this,
and then you insult me?”

“When you look that happy,” Sirius said with a slight sniff, “you’re up to something. So what is
it?”

“I have a date,” Jamie said with a shrug. “Tomorrow.”

“With that punk kid?” When Jamie nodded, Sirius rolled his eyes. “I take it you haven’t told your
grandparents yet or you’d not be wearing that smug grin of yours. They’d have taken the piss
enough to make you cry.”

“Gran would be happy for me,” Jamie defended. He sat back on his heels and swiped the tops of
his filthy hands on his worn jeans. “You think I’ll be alright at this dating business? Not like I’ve
had the best luck.”

“Well not like you’ve come from the best stock,” Sirius said with a slight wink. “I mean, you’ve
heard the story about how your grandparents met. And your dad’s history is…” Sirius trailed off
with a shudder.

“Yeah yeah. Harry Potter and the years of his epic bi-panic.” Jamie stood up and walked over to
their outdoor sink to wash his hands. “Uncle Ron maintains that’s why mum married a woman in
the end. Dad cooked it all out of her.”

Sirius chortled into his tea, shaking his head. “Don’t get me started on that mum of yours. How is
she, by the way?”

“Good. Enjoying Brazil,” Jamie said with a shrug. “Overwhelmed with guilt about leaving her
precious babies behind, but she was always kind of a nightmare about us.”

Ginny’d popped out two kids before she was twenty-one. In fact, James had come along at the age
of sixteen before either of them bothered to understand the concept of birth control or teen
parenting. But where her family had damn-near lost their minds about it—which was funny in itself
as Ginny had so many brothers and sisters they could form a football team if they wanted—the
Potters had been oddly excited.

Well, James had been. Lily was a bit more pragmatic about the whole thing, sitting them both
down and explaining how you could still have a future and be a parent. She would know as Harry
had come along when she was seventeen—and she still managed to finish her graduate degree in
chemistry before getting her professorship and working in a rather nice public school.
She was a decent role model to say the least, especially after several starts and stops with Harry and
Ginny had produced both Al and Abby—who would have been called Lily had James not balked at
the idea that he and his wife should not be represented as siblings.

“It’s…Oedipus,” James had cried.

“It isn’t,” Lily had argued. Though truth be told she’d found the idea creepy in a way. “But it is a
bit weird, you know. You’ve got to have a better name.”

They settled for calling Abigail’s middle name Lily and thus their little barmy family was born.

Jamie glanced up at Sirius and saw him staring at his mobile screen. Something he’d been doing an
awful lot that morning, though Jamie knew no texts had come through in several hours. With a
grin, he slid up to the older man and with far lither hands than Sirius had, snatched it away.

“Let’s see, then.” He glanced down at a rather attractive face. The man looked older than Sirius
did, but not ancient. A mop of wild, dark curls which were flecked with grey, and a cute smile. He
reminded Jamie of someone—but he couldn’t put his finger on it. “So you’ve got to the selfie
exchange.”

“Give that back, you horrid little monster,” Sirius demanded.

Jamie grinned as he began to flick through the messages until… “Shut the fuck up. You sexted?
What did you send him? Is that a nipple? You know it’s supposed to be a dick pic, right?”

At that, Sirius did snatch the mobile away, tucking it into his pocket. “It was an accident, you shit.
He didn’t mean to send it.”

“That’s what they all say, you know,” Jamie warned. “They start off with the nipple… and it just
goes from there. The next thing you know it’s all what are you wearing, and do you like it if I
touch myself here.”

Sirius held up his hand. “Silence. Right now. I cannot have this conversation with you.”

“Get with the times, gramps.” He strolled over with a grin, picking up the bucket of oily, filthy—
rather smelly—water, and headed for the disposal bin. He was nearly there, passing by Sirius who
was back on the mobile, when the unthinkable happened.

It slipped.

Oil and muck had dripped down the sides and he just lost his grip.

It was almost like watching a train wreck in slow motion. His eyes widened as the bucket sort of
cascaded. He saw the filthy water sloshing about, and just as Sirius looked down with vague
concern on his face, it hit the concrete.

It was worse than a tidal wave. The bucket managed to hit at such an angle, at such a speed, it sent
the entire contents in a massive wave upward, landing first on Sirius’ head, then directly in his
face, soaking his mobile, his shirt, and then his entire person.

Jamie took a horrified step backward. “Oh…my god. Oh my god, Sirius!”

Of course the older mechanic had suffered worse, and he knew what to do when he took a face full
of chemical-oil-filth water, and rushed to the sink, immediately flushing his eyes. “Oh god,” Sirius
moaned. “Oh this smells. Oh this is horrid. Were you cleaning up month-old cat corpses? Christ
fucking Jesus, Jamie!”

The younger teen was vaguely enthralled by the whole thing, as Sirius came away from the sink
looking like a beaten, soaked dog, his hair hanging long about his face. He could see him as some
convict in some film about him spending twelve years in prison, then running away from some
warden and getting caught in some cave in the pouring rain.

“Er. It’s probably too soon to say money-shot, isn’t it?”

He saw the tendon on Sirius’ jaw twitch. “I smell like literal shit.”

“That’s…shitty,” Jamie offered.

“You have five seconds to disappear or I may actually murder you.”

Jamie didn’t need to be told twice.

***

Well I very well may be down one grand-godson after today.

That does not sound good. Was he slagging you off about the selfies?

It began that way.

Did he see the nipple? I’m thinking of renaming it nipple-gate.

Apt. And yes he did. And he called it sex-ing. Or. Something. But it didn’t end there. I ended up
taking a full bath in a bucket of filth water he ‘accidentally’ dumped on me. It’s a miracle I
survived.

How many baths have you had?

Nine so far. I am so upset. This is my worst nightmare. My hair still smells

*crying face emojis for two full lines*

You poor thing.

I don’t think you understand the gravity if the situation, Moony. My hair is my…my everything. It’s
the only thing that’s staying decent as I careen into the circle of hell that is middle-age.

Aren’t you already firmly in the circle

This is not the time!

Sorry. Er. I don’t have a smiley face thingie guy for this so just imagine me sending you a pat
on the back one.

I need something better than that. I’ve used nearly a whole jar of rose oil on my hair and I can still
smell it. Help me, Moony!

***

Remus sighed and swapped to Teddy’s text. What’s a nice, friendly sort of emoji I can send to
someone having a bad day?
Is it ur super gay boi-friend

Ted.

Fine. Send him this 8====D It’s erm. An alien smiley and it always cheers up cute blokes you
want to pull.

Remus stared at it and turned it to the side. He could sort of see it. So. Alright.

8=====D

Dare I ask, Moons?

It’s an alien smiley guaranteed to cheer anyone up.

I suppose it does look rather cheerful. Reckon I could use it in the future. I actually started sending
proper texts to people now so I’m trying to learn how to be hip. Or whatever the kids call it these
days.

Wise. I’m glad I could help. And I will say a prayer tonight for the state of your hair.

Please do. I’m going to have a last bath before trying to sleep off my sorrow. But chat tomorrow?

Count on it.

***

Sirius strolled into his kitchen, and his eyes narrowed as he saw the arse-end of his now-disowned
grand-godson poking about his fridge. “Don’t your grandparents feed you? Or your flatmates?”

“My flatmates spent their entire monthly wages at the pub. Arsenal was playing,” Jamie said with a
shrug. “And I’m a growing boy, I need fuel all the time.” Standing up straight, Jamie walked over
and grabbed a lock of now-dry, slightly oily hair and sniffed. “Christ, Padfoot. Did you bathe in
that shit?”

“I had to eradicate all traces of that…horrific incident,” Sirius said with a slight shudder. His
mobile buzzed then, and before he could grab it, Jamie’s quick, nimble fingers snatched it away.
He thumbed it open, and his eyes went wide.

“Padfoot?”

“What. Tell me it’s not a dick. If it is, it’s not his fault! He doesn’t know how to work the camera.”

“It’s not a dick pic. It’s…” Jamie scrolled a bit more. “A happy alien face?”

“Cute, innit. Never got one of those from you. Reckon you didn’t even know about that emoji.”

Jamie stared at Sirius’ smug face in vague disbelief. “No. No you most certainly have not got a
happy alien from me.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “So when’s this date of yours?”

Jamie cleared his throat, shoving the mobile back down on the counter, and leant against it.
“Tonight. He’s picking me up on his motorbike. From here.”
“This is not your home.”

“And yet here I am. Stood in this kitchen, drinking your juice. Eating your biscuits…” Jamie took a
massive bite of Sirius’ favourite jam filled ones. “And you’ve a room for me and everything.”

“Then start paying me,” Sirius grumbled. He dropped a hand on Jamie’s shoulder and squeezed.
“If you want to get away from those twats you live with, I’ll only charge double what they do.”

“You’re so kind.”

“I am. Leaving my garage to you and everything. Now fuck off so I can have another kip. These old
bones take a lot of beauty rest.”

Jamie flipped him a V as Sirius grabbed his mobile and trudged up the stairs.

My grand-godson is here. He has a date tonight. The moment he settles down properly is when I
start to feel actually old.

I know what you mean. My son has one as well. He told me not to bother waiting for him to
come in. Not that I’ve bothered in years but…it does make me feel a bit…

Mature?

Let’s not get carried away, Padfoot. I like to think of myself as carefully ripened.

Sexy.

I’m going to pretend that wasn’t sarcasm.

You do that.

You wound me. How’s the hair?

It survived the night. I swear I can still smell the horror, but it’s probably a phantom scent by now.
Any more washing and I’ll ruin it.

Well I’m sure it’ll look lovely when you and I finally do meet.

Count on it. I’m turning in for the night. But can we pick this up tomorrow? I rather like the
direction we’re taking.

Slag. But yes. Tomorrow it is. Goodnight, Padfoot.

Goodnight Moony.
 Chapter 5
Chapter Notes

More Dick emojis whoops.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

“Mum?” Teddy turned in the mirror from side to side, his head cocked a bit, and he surveyed his
outfit. Black, capri-length leggings, a cream-coloured tunic blouse, and blue and black striped
socks which normally came to the knee, though he had mashed them down so they rested just
above the cuff of his clunky motorbike boots.

He looked behind him when a face popped round the door. Fleur whipped a few locks of her
white-blonde hair over her shoulder. “Getting ready for your date?”

Teddy sighed, turning away and looking back at himself. “Yeah. I’m…not sure about this.”

“Why not? You look lovely as ever.” Fleur strolled into the room and adjusted the blouse so it
rested more squarely across Teddy’s shoulders.

“Well okay so I haven’t exactly told him about you know…me.” Teddy tugged on the hem of the
shirt, then spun to face her. “What if this is a deal-breaker?”

Fleur cupped his cheek, giving it a slight pat. “Then you shouldn’t be dating him anyway.”

“But he’s so fit,” Teddy moaned, rolling his head back a little. “Like so fit. God.”

“Fit enough to compromise your gender?” Fleur challenged.

“Uhg, do you have to get all reasonable and parent-y on me?” He grinned though, and leant down
to kiss her cheek. “Where’s mum?”

“Kitchen. And you know, I wouldn’t worry. I think even if this date of yours hasn’t ever
considered dating someone who’s genderfluid—he will after seeing you.” Fleur winked, then
headed down the hall to her office.

With a slight bounce in his step, Teddy flounced into the kitchen, taking a running jump to the
counter where his arse slid and he knocked over Tonks’ bowl of apples. She cried out as they spilt
onto the floor, but Teddy merely grinned.

“Tell me how pretty I look.”

“No,” Tonks said, shaking her head at him. “I refuse to stroke your ego. Go look in the mirror and
tell yourself.”

Teddy pulled a face. “I bet dad would tell me.”

“Dad spoils you,” Tonks said, reaching out to ruffle his curls. “When is your date?”

“I have to leave in ten. I’m meeting him at his godfather’s house since he says his smells like five
dudes.”

“Uni days and student housing,” Tonks said with a soft sigh. “I do not miss them.”

Teddy rolled his eyes. “Anyway I won’t be back until next week. I know you’ll pine away for me
and everything, but just stay strong.”

“Please. Your mum and I plan to strip down and…ammffppfh,” her words were cut off when
Teddy hopped down and clapped a hand over her mouth.

“Shhh,” he said. “I refuse to sully my night by thinking about old people sex.”

Tonks grinned from behind his fingers, then pulled his hand down and kissed his cheek. “Have a
good time. Text me if you need anything.”

He gave her a mock salute before grabbing his keys and jacket, and hopped out the door.

***

My house has been overrun.

By what? Bees? Bears? Funny face aliens?

8===D None of the above. My best mate and my grand-godson are over. The young one is
prepping for his date. My best mate has come to take the piss because he is a terrible grandfather
who likes to make everyone suffer.

Maybe I should date him instead. That sounds like something I would do. Which is why my
own son is avoiding me before his date. He’ll come crawling in sometime tonight and give me
all the details I don’t want.

That’s cruel. I am much more of a delight than my best mate. Who is married. So hands off. His
wife is feisty and protective.

I’m a passive fighter. I just play dead, and when they think they’ve won, I bite their ankles.

You terrify me.

Does this mean no date?

I didn’t say that. Send me another photo of you so I can remind myself of how fit you are.

You mean how grey and wrinkled I am. I’m starting to look like my father. I swear my nose
has grown in the last week.

*photo of chair leg, then carpet, then kitchen counter with half a tea mug visible*

Buggering fucking shitting hell.

Impressive swearing. Am I going to date furniture?

You’ve caught me.

*photo of half a face, and is upside down*

I am incapable of getting anything better than that. Good enough?

Well let’s make a deal. Because your eye is fetching at any rate. We date. But you wear the bee
socks. How’s that under the desk exercise machine working for you?

I suppose that’s agreeable. I have three pair of bee socks. And the machine is great. I have a
middle-aged tea and biscuits gut—because I don’t drink beer. But my calves are fit as hell.
You can just stare at them all night. I’ll wear those old shorts we used to sport in the
seventies.

Oh sweet lord. Tell me you don’t actually still have a pair.

Maybe in my attic. Are you trying to claim you have no relics?

Photos of my Bowie phase. My best mate was all Abba so his blackmail material is worse. Are we
going to exchange names ever?

Maybe right before the date. I should go, though. I have loads of work to catch up on because
this bloke who looks really good for his fifties with really great hair keeps distracting me.

He sounds amazing. I wouldn’t be too hard on him.

I feel like you’re trying to set me up for some innuendo but I refuse to fall for it. Chat later,
Padfoot.

You shame me, Moony. Shame.

***

“Where’s the kid?”

Sirius looked up from his mobile. “Dunno. Preening, probably.”

James snorted into his tea. “We need to come up with a plan for when his date gets here. I want to
be embarrassing, but the sort that makes the date want to spend time with me so that way I become
the popular one.”

“You haven’t been the popular one since Harry was in sixth form,” Sirius said, setting the mobile
on the counter. “And anyway…”

Before he could get another word out, his door banged open and Lily walked in, her face furious.
“Sirius Orion Black. What the hell is this?” She started waving her mobile at his face.

Sirius blinked. “What? The text. I told you I’m actually learning how to…”

“You sent me a dick.”

Sirius blinked. “I did not! Bloody hell…did I?” he asked himself in a whisper. “No, I have taken no
photos of my dick!”

Lily turned to James. “He did send me a dick. At work. I was not alone when I saw that text,
James!”

James turned his eyes to Sirius and deadpanned, “Did you send my wife a dick, Padfoot?”
“No!” Sirius threw his hands up. “I have never in my life sent a dick to anyone!”

Lily swiped her phone open and showed it to James. “A bloody dick.”

James blinked, and his cheeks twitched like he was attempting to hold back his smile. “Mate. You
sent her a dick.”

Storming over, Sirius looked down at the screen. “That is not a dick! That’s a happy alien. See you
just…” He stared at it again, the blood draining from his face. “That’s a dick,” he whispered.

“Yes, Sirius. It’s a dick,” Lily admonished. “Where did you get this from?”

“I…I don’t think he knows,” Sirius said quietly. “I think…” He cleared his throat. “I should
probably erm. Say something.”

At that moment, Jamie walked into the room and stared round. “Oh. You meant the cock’n’balls
emoji?”

Sirius stared at him with wide eyes. “You knew?”

“Of course I knew,” Jamie said, waving his hand. “You actually thought that looked like a cheerful
alien?”

“I…” Sirius’ cheeks were bright red. “How the hell was I supposed to know. You see, this is why
texting is the sodding devil! I’ve been sending that round to everyone!”

Jamie grinned widely. “Yeah. I know.”

“Fuck!”

Just then a headlamp flashed through the window, and Jamie quickly grabbed his jacket. “Gotta
go. Bye.” He slipped kisses to three cheeks and hurtled out of the house before his grandparents or
Sirius could actually meet Teddy.

***

Teddy straddled his bike with a small grin as he saw Jamie rushing toward him at a slow jog. He
was wearing a small grin, looking as good as he ever had with tight jeans and a long-sleeved black
shirt. He came to a skidding halt, his hands flapping at bit at his sides, his smile a little shy.

“Hey,” Jamie said.

Teddy grinned, put the kickstand down on the bike, and jumped off. “Hey there yourself. How are
you?”

“Good. I don’t want to linger though. Both my grandparents are here and I’d like an actual date
before they scare you off with their ridiculous behaviour.”

“Well mate, I’m not easily scared,” Teddy said with a wink. He tugged on his jacket, then pulled
the zip down hesitantly. “Trust me, wait til you meet mine. Fucking barmy, the lot of them. But
erm. I kind of wanted to chat? Before we go?”

Jamie’s eyes raked down Teddy’s front, and Teddy felt his face heat up, breath catch in
anticipation of possible rejection. “Yeah alright. What’s up?”

“Well I thought I should probably erm…discuss a few things. You know. Before we make this
official.” His fingers absently trailed up to his curls and he ruffled them. “So I’m…well.” He
cleared his throat. “You know what genderfluid is?”

Jamie nodded, looking confused. “Yeah I do. Are you telling me…?”

“Yeah,” Teddy said in a rush. “I mean okay. I’m…well I primarily identify as a demi-boy. But I
have days where I’m not.”

“Alright,” Jamie said, a small smile reaching up to his eyes, making them crinkle in the corners.
“Have I been using the right pronouns?”

Teddy felt momentarily startled. “Yeah no, those are fine. I’ll…I’d tell you when I have a chance.”

“Good. Excellent. So was that it?”

Teddy nodded. “Er. Yes?”

Taking a step closer, Jamie reached out and put his hand near Teddy’s waist. “This alright?”

Instead of answering verbally, Teddy stepped into the touch and smiled. “We good?”

“Yes. And you look fit as hell. I’m really excited for this,” Jamie said quietly. “Now let’s get the
hell out of here before any of the olds come out. Right now they’re trying to work out some dick
emoticon issue and whilst it’s hilarious, it could potentially ruin the mood by making me think of
fifty-year-old man bollocks.”

Teddy snickered as he and Jamie hopped on the bike. “Gross. And also remind me to tell you
tonight about a hilarious story regarding my dad and dick emojis. You’re going to love it.”

***

Moony. I know you’re busy but I…have something tell you.

It’s fine. Everything alright?

Er well. You know your happy alien face?

Has it come to life or something?

Oh god. No I…it’s…I sent it to my best mate’s wife because I am a sodding nice person who likes
to make people happy. Only she works with teens you know, and apparently has been informed…
reliably. It’s…

It’s?

Oh god. Moony, it’s a dick. It’s a dick, Moony. We’ve been texting dicks to each other. And
apparently to other people in my case.

Are you joking?

I swear I would never joke about this with you. I…I didn’t know. Did you know?

No I didn’t know! Shit! Oh my god I sent that to my BOSS! And six co-workers. Oh god. I
am going to murder my son. I was joking before but I am not joking now! He is dead!

Your boss?
 Padfoot this is not the time! I…oh I’m going to get sacked. Or I’m going to wind up on the
internet for sending my office dicks. Oh please tell me this is some mean prank.

It’s not. I’m sorry Moony. I am.

I need a drink or twelve. Right now. I cannot believe this is happening.

You know what, are you in London?

Yeah I am, why?

*sends address*

Meet me here in an hour and a half. I will buy you those dozen drinks. It’s the least I can do.

I should say no. But…okay. I’ll see you then. Just don’t let me get pissed and text. Apparently
I cannot be trusted.

Don’t worry, Moony. I’ll protect you.

Chapter End Notes

Up next- two dates.

 Chapter 6
Chapter Notes

The End.

I feel like this chapter was a bit crap. A lot less funny but it had to end somewhere.

I’m on the tube now. We may have a problem

What? What problem? Don’t tell me that tonight!

I may have accidentally made eye contact.

Moony! You know the rules.

About to lose signal. Say a prayer for me, Padfoot.

Dear White Jesus, please protect Moony’s sweet arse before he arrives for our date. I would like to
see it intact. Amen

Sorry I was raised Buddhist, then adopted by a Hindu family, so I'm a bit uneducated in proper
Christian prayers.

Unfortunately I’m Jewish, so I don’t think White Jesus cares for me much

*message failed to send*

***

They pulled up to the kerb, and Teddy switched the bike off, twisting his head to see the slight
smile on James’ face. He felt a momentary disappointment as his date slid off, but he was rewarded
with hands on his hips as he dismounted the bike, and a grinning face hovering in front of his.

“So. You have big plans for us?” Jamie asked.

Teddy laughed. “Don’t get your hopes up. I’m not exactly the most…romantic sort. I was thinking
a drink and get to know you. Maybe hold hands under a pub table and snog in a dark corner. Then
if you’re peckish, we could go down to my Gran’s restaurant?”

“Ooh gran’s restaurant? Preferential treatment?” Jamie couldn’t seem to resist stroking his hands
down the soft material of Teddy’s skirt.

“Most likely,” Teddy said with a grin. “I’m her favourite grandson after all. You’re Asian, right?”

Jamie snorted. “Yeah. Indian.”

“Well my family’s Thai and even though your curry doesn’t even have curry in it…”

“Mate, your curry is soup it’s not even curry…” Jamie defended.
“I think you’ll still find it bloody good.”

Jamie rolled his eyes, but let his hands trail down along Teddy’s arms, linking their fingers
together. “Get me drunk enough and I might even concede that yours is better. Though be warned
I’ll just be doing it to get into your knickers.” He stopped. “Knickers?”

Teddy flushed, but pressed his body closer to Jamie’s. “Maybe you’ll find out. For now, how about
an alleyway snog.”

Jamie let out a groan, rolling his head back as Teddy yanked him along the pavement to the dark
shadows beyond.

***

Sirius stared down at his phone screen, wondering if his last message had been a bit much. What if
Moony was some religious zealot who really loved Jesus? Or didn’t like Asians? God, what if he
was a racist?

He tried not to think about it, though he did order a second whiskey with extra lime, and he mashed
the pulp into the bottom of his glass with a tiny black straw as he waited. His knee bounced in
anticipation, knocking against the side of the table so often he was sure to bruise, but what did it
matter?

Moony might not show. And all he had was a mobile number which was easily changeable. Sirius
didn’t even have a first name, let alone last one.

But his fears were quickly dispelled when, from the dark shadows of his table, he spotted him. He
half-rose, watching as Moony’s eyes took in the crowd, clearly looking for him. He knew he ought
to say something, but he couldn’t bring his lips to move. Moony was cuter than Sirius had pictured,
with the poorly-shot selfies to help. He was very tall, broad-shouldered, with wild curls flecked
with grey. His face was round and full, his age showing in the winkles beside his eyes from how
much he quite obviously smiled or scowled.

It was when Sirius noticed Moony started to look dejected, like Sirius wasn’t there, that he jumped
up. “Moony!”

Moony spun on his heel in surprise, his eyes going wide as they set on Sirius. His face coloured
with a high blush as he made his way past tables, and did a funny motion with his hands before
shoving them into his pockets. “Hi. Er.” He cleared his throat and shrugged. “It’s Remus, by the
way.”

“Sirius,” he blurted back.

Remus laughed. “Yeah, I am very serious. Don’t ask, it’s just…”

“No,” Sirius blurted. “That’s my name. Sirius. Er like the star.”

Remus’ eyes widened. “Oh. Oh that’s…” He cocked his head to the side in a way that made Sirius
want to grab him by the front of his shirt and kiss him silly. “That’s very fitting.”

Sirius felt nervous, which was ridiculous. He was in his fifties and had spent a good portion of his
life chatting up and shagging incredibly good looking blokes. So why the butterflies now? He
reached out, grabbing Remus’ hand out of his pocket and tugged him along. “I got us a great
table.”
By great table he meant one deep in the shadows of the pub, hiding them from plain view. Remus
seemed to appreciate it though, as well as the quick service by the perky blonde who hurried to
fetch Remus his scotch.

“I always feel like such an old man when drink this,” Remus said. “Like I ought to be having a
cigar and some Magnum PI moustache.”

Sirius reached out boldly, running the pad of his thumb just under Remus’ nose. “I think we should
both avoid facial hair.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “I’ll have you know I can grow a fantastic beard.”

Sirius chuckled, but before he could properly reply, his mobile buzzed and he pulled it out. His
eyes widened when he saw Remus’ text, and he barked a laugh. “Jewish, huh?”

“Did that just arrive?” Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged, shifting so his shoulder was pressing into Remus’. “I was afraid my last text had
bothered you. Or that maybe you were one of those horrible old racists left over from the eighties
and bailed the second you found out I was Thai.”

“Er you have sent me a selfie,” Remus pointed out. “Also my son’s mum is part Thai, so it would
be fairly awful of me if I were.”

“Ha.” Sirius blushed. “Right. Buggering hell this texting thing makes everything so complicated.
Remember when you could just slide into one of those secret pubs and pull a bloke?”

Remus regarded him for a long time. “I wasn’t much into those. Always afraid of getting caught.
Or what I might catch.”

Sirius swallowed thickly. “Right. Yeah. It’s been so long I just haven’t thought about it. I was
hideously reckless back then, though. Trying to rebel against my parents. Riddle supporters, you
know?”

Remus winced. “Oh hell, sorry to hear that.”

Sirius waved his hand. “No worries, I escaped long before they supported him openly. But it was a
tough time.”

“It was. Today things are easier,” Remus said quietly. “Only you have to be so much more flexible.
My son for example. At fifteen he tells me he’s not really a boy. He’s genderfluid, and gave me all
this literature to read up on.”

Sirius blinked at him. “I’ve heard of it, you know.”

“So you see what I mean. Of course it just makes me sad we didn’t have concepts like that when
we were kids. He’d have been crucified instead of hugged and taken out dress shopping.” Remus
bit down on his bottom lip.

“He’s alright with you calling him your son?” Sirius asked with a quirked brow.

Remus smiled. “We had a long, long discussion about it. And sometimes he prefers other
pronouns, but he tells me. We communicate. And I’m always reading up on it. Bloody internet,” he
finished with a laugh.
“At least it isn’t scouring the library shelves for obscure books,” Sirius pointed out. “And you can’t
be too hard on this technology. Otherwise we wouldn’t have met.”

“Fair,” Remus said with a grin. “I rather like that bit.”

Sirius laughed quietly and leant his head against Remus’ shoulder. “Does my hair still smell?”

With a chuckle, Remus turned his head, burying his nose into Sirius’ locks and sniffed. “Like a
field of roses.”

Sirius grinned and turned his face slightly so he was looking at the curve of Remus’ neck. It was
an incredible neck, he thought. He’d quiet like to lick it. Though it might be a bit soon for that.
“So. Here we are. Moony.”

Remus laughed. “That we are, Padfoot. How’s your drink?”

“Better now,” Sirius said.

“Aren’t you a right flirt?” Remus teased, reaching over under the table to splay his hand along
Sirius’ ribs. He gave him a soft, gentle squeeze, not enough to tickle, but enough to make him
jumpy. “Mine’s brilliant though. In spite of knowing the dick emoji wrath I’m going to suffer at
work on Monday.”

“Oh I meant to ask. When’s your son’s funeral?”

Remus laughed and shook his head. “I’ll find a convenient day. Send him off Viking style.”

“Burning pyre?”

“We could do it in Brighton if you’re keen. Make a holiday of it. There are amazing little sweet
shops that I’ve heard are good for post-funerals.”

“You’re cold, Remus,” Sirius said with a laugh. He lifted his head finally, taking a long drink of
his whiskey. “We should get out of here, though.”

Remus’ eyes widened. “Ah well. I mean…I hadn’t considered…that’s to say…”

“Slow down,” Sirius said, holding up a hand. “I’m not a complete tart, you know. I was thinking
food.”

Remus grinned and nodded, taking Sirius’ hand. “I think that sounds rather brilliant.”

***

Lips kiss-swollen and head a bit drunk on lust, Jamie and Teddy decided to forgo the pub and head
straight to the restaurant in hopes of curbing one appetite in favour of another. Teddy drove a little
more recklessly than usual, but it wasn’t a big deal as they navigated though the streets, Jamie
clinging to his waist and stealing occasional neck-kisses.

When the finally came to a halt in front of the restaurant, Jamie was momentarily distracted by the
amazing smells coming from the slightly open door. Teddy grinned as he offered Jamie a hand off
the bike, then he shoved his keys over at him.

“Hold these for me, will you?”

Jamie felt oddly smug about it as he shoved the keys into his pocket, then preened at the
possessive way Teddy grabbed his hand before leading him inside. It was late, so it wasn’t as
crowded as it might have been during the rush, but there were still several occupied tables, and a
few people who clearly knew Teddy, nodding at him as he walked in.

“Yaai?” he called out toward the back.

A few moments later, a woman stuck her head round the staff door. Jamie could absolutely see a
resemblance to Teddy, mostly in the cut of her jaw, and the way she lifted a single eyebrow when
her gaze fell on the two.

“What are you doing here?” she demanded. “And who is this? He’s way too pretty to be your
boyfriend.”

“Oh my god,” Teddy groaned. “I cannot escape the madness anywhere. He’s not my boyfriend. Not
my anything. Yet.”

Jamie felt his face go hot, but he cleared his throat and extended his hand, letting out a small cry of
surprise when he was pulled into a hug. “Er. Nice to meet you. I’m James.”

“You two have a seat and I’ll bring food straight away.”

The pair obeyed the command, and Teddy rolled his eyes. “My gran. She’s…bossy, but sweet.
Mum’s mum. My dad’s Jewish—his whole family’s from Israel, so I have like the weirdest
background.”

Jamie chuckled. “I’m only a quarter Indian, but my granddad jokes that his genes are too strong to
resist. All of us came out looking just like him. My mum’s family are all Irish or something. I
think. All gingers.”

Teddy’s eyes widened. “I’m trying to picture you as a ginger.”

“Don’t,” Jamie deadpanned, then laughed. “When I was sixteen I went through this phase were I
was really angsty and didn’t want to look like my dad, so I bleached my hair and dyed it red in this
attempt to blend in with my mum’s family. It…didn’t end well. And I carried on with it for almost
a year. I’ve attempted to purse every trace of photos but my mum insists on bringing some out
every time we get together.”

“That sounds evil,” Teddy said, grinning. “I think you could pull off something cooler than red
though. Blue maybe. Or pink.” He laughed when Jamie rolled his eyes. “I got my funky style from
my mum, though dad insists he was cool back in the day, but I’ve yet to see any proof of that.”

“Are they still married? Your parents?”

Teddy almost choked on his drink. “Oh. God, no. They never were, really. They just got together
to have me. I’ve two mums—one dad. He never really got round to dating much, but he prefers
blokes.”

Jamie’s smile went wider. “Yeah? That’s bloody brilliant. My parents tried to make a go of it, you
know? They were sixteen when I came along. Mum did a lot of travelling and when dad was at Uni
we were all with my grandparents a lot. And Padfoot.”

At that, Teddy froze and his eyes widened. “What did you say?”

Jamie rolled his eyes. “Oh it’s just some stupid nickname my dad gave him. You met him before.
Sirius?”
“But you said Padfoot,” Teddy said.

“Well. Yeah, why?”

Teddy gulped. “Mate, I think…I mean that’s not like a common nickname, is it?”

“Guess not,” Jamie offered. “Are you alright?”

“Does the name Moony mean anything to you?”

Jamie blinked. “What…oh. Oh my god.”

Teddy nodded solemnly. “My dad and your godfather.”

“Holy shit. Holy shit,” Jamie breathed. “How…this is…you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Mate, I’m not. And my dad is so gone for him. So gone.” Teddy rubbed his face, then laughed.
“Fuck, your godfather is fit, too.”

“Never tell him that,” Jamie groaned. “It’ll go straight to his head and he’s already impossible.”

“This is weird. Super weird. This isn’t like…unethical, is it? Us going out?”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Jamie said fondly. He grabbed Teddy by the front of his blouse and kissed him
softly. “This is fucking brilliant.”

Teddy laughed against the soft mouth. “Fair enough. You wanna date me, Jamie?”

Jamie grinned. “Hell yeah,” he said before capturing his lips once more. “I absolutely do.”

***

“You alright with motorbikes?” Sirius asked, seeing Remus’ look of apprehension.

“My son drives one,” Remus said with a small sigh. “He built it a few years ago, and I’m
constantly terrified he’s going to careen off the side of the road one day and bleed out before
emergency services can find him.”

Sirius gave him a funny look. “Built it, you say?”

Remus shrugged. “Yeah. Why?”

“I…nothing. Never mind. So are you alright to come along? I promise I’m very safe. In my fifties
and still not dead.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but got a death-grip on Sirius’ waist as he climbed on, and buried his face in
the back of the other man’s neck. Sirius kept a slower speed than Remus knew he normally did, but
eventually he was able to follow Remus’ directions to the Thai place, and they pulled up outside
just as a spot at the kerb opened up.

Sirius killed the engine, and Remus slid off, rubbing his arse. “Numb?” Sirius asked, waggling his
brows.

“Tingly,” Remus complained, ignoring his high blush. He bit down on his lip when Sirius reached
out, taking his hand, and they started for the door. Just before it opened, though, both men froze.
“Oh my god,” Remus said.
At the same time, Sirius whispered, “Oh shit.”

They turned to look at each other. Inside, sat at a table kissing rather furiously over two bowls of
curry were James Sirius Potter, and Theodore Edward Lupin. The two men glanced up at each
other.

“That’s my kid,” Remus said.

“I know him,” Sirius replied. “Came to my shop after my grand-godson—the one he’s currently
snogging—tried to give him my patented too cute to exist discount.”

Remus choked back a laugh. “You have a too cute to exist discount?”

“Well yes,” Sirius replied with a sniff, “though I haven’t used it in ages. Haven’t met anyone
worthy. Until now.”

Remus flushed hard. “Oh my god you are the worst.”

“I think you mean the best,” Sirius corrected. “I cannot believe that’s them. D’you think…I mean,
they wouldn’t have set this up, would they?”

“I don’t think Teddy’s that clever. He’s a little shit, but…”

“Same with Jamie,” Sirius replied. “So what do we do?”

Remus’ eyes narrowed. “Embarrass them?”

“How?”

“Snogging. Inside. In public. Teddy hates old man snogging.”

Sirius’ grin got wicked. “Same with Jamie. And I’ve been dying to put my mouth on your mouth
all bloody night.”

Remus tugged him closer. “That’s exactly what I’d hoped to hear.”

***

The boys pulled apart abruptly when the door swung open, and their mouths fell open the second it
happened. Sirius and Remus. Grand-godfather and dad. Snogging.

Two old men sucking face.

Where anyone could see.

“Oh my god,” Teddy said, absolutely mortified. “Oh my god my dad. My dad is kissing Sirius!”

Jamie gapped. “What? That’s your dad? Bloody hell he’s so hot!”

“Oy!”

Jamie shrugged. “What. You got good genes, mate. Fuck they look cute together.”

“This is mortifying,” Teddy groaned.

Jamie smirked, then balled up a paper napkin and tossed it at the pair who were two tables away.
Sirius didn’t pull away, or react more than shoving two fingers up at them as he continued to kiss
Remus.

“I’m going to have nightmares for the rest of my life,” Teddy groaned. “This is so not okay. First
he’s texting some random number, now he’s snogging some bloke in the middle of a restaurant
where anyone can see him.”

“It’s really not that bad,” Jamie said, grabbing Teddy’s hand and tugging him close. “And honestly
if you like, I can take your mind off it.”

“Oy!” came Remus’ voice from the table over. He’d broken the kiss and was glowering. “I can
hear that you know.”

Teddy smirked. “Yeah well…maybe next time you’ll keep it to yourself, old man.”

Sirius merely grinned as he hooked an arm round Remus’ neck and tugged him closer. “And where
would the fun be in all of that?”

Jamie grabbed Teddy and they both rose. “Come on, let’s get out of here before they kill the mood
forever.” They rushed out of the restaurant, both couples now determined to have a very good time.

***

Ted, I’m sorry, I really hope I didn’t embarrass you.

Teddy looked down at his dad’s number with a huge sigh, shaking his head.

New number, who dis?

Please drop by the archive and comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!