Three Minute Delay

Rosh Hashanah Morning

September 26, 2022

Wouldn’t it be great if life had a three minute delay? That is—what if we had a 3 minute
delay on all of our words and actions?

See, Microsoft Outlook has this great feature. You can program your Outlook so that
after you click “send,” your email begins processing but does not actually send for three
minutes. Any time before those three minutes are up you can edit or even cancel and
entirely delete the email and it never sends.

Remember – three minute delay.

What if that three minute delay would be something we could apply to the rest of our
lives? How many times have you said something and as soon as you’ve said it you
realize that it was not the right thing to say? “I wish I hadn’t said that,” or, “I should
have kept my mouth shut!”

It might be a criticism of someone else. It might be an action that you take, a deed that
you’ve done, once done you wish you could take back. There was a time, years ago,
right after I began my first job at Hillel, and the president of that Hillel was not only our
president, but also became a mentor to me.
He allowed me to become so comfortable with him that I was able to gripe about any
issues and he would help me work through them.

One time there was a member of the community we were trying to work with and he was
giving me nothing but trouble. So I said to my president, “oh, I wish he would be more
cooperative. He’s just so difficult.” And my president responded, “he’s my cousin.”

Fortunately he then continued, “if he gives you anymore trouble let me know and I’ll take
care of him for you.” Uggh. Well, that didn’t turn out so bad. But it sure could have.

Or maybe you regret a joke that you told that instead of being funny, ended up being
possibly… offensive. No one laughs. That’s when you long for those three minutes to
take back that joke.

Speaking of laughter, Sarah had a good laugh in the Torah. We find the story of
Abraham and Sarah, Sarah having been infertile until the age of 90. And some angels
passed by with the following declaration [Genesis 18:9-15]

“Where is your wife Sarah?” And [Abraham] replied, “There, in the tent.” Then
one [of the angels] said, “I will return to you next year, and your wife Sarah shall
have a son!”

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 Sarah was listening at the entrance of the tent. Now Abraham and Sarah were
old, advanced in years. And Sarah laughed to herself, saying, “Now that I am
withered, am I to have enjoyment—with my husband so old?” Then the LORD
said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh, saying, ‘Shall I in truth bear a child, old
as I am?’ Is anything too wondrous for the LORD? I will return to you at the
same season next year, and Sarah shall have a son.” Sarah lied, saying, “I did not
laugh,” for she was frightened. But [God] replied, “You did laugh.”

Oy. Sarah declared to God that she did not laugh. But…she did laugh. And wouldn’t
God have known it? So basically, God said, “why did you laugh?” Sarah said, “oh no I
dih-int!” And God said, “yes, you did. That’s right. I went there. Caught in a lie!”
Clearly, Sarah would have LOVED that three minute delay!

Later in the Torah, Aaron isn’t so innocent either. When Moses was on the mountain and
the people were rebelling—to calm them down, Aaron told the people to turn in their
gold. The Torah then tells us that Aaron melted the gold and FORMED IT INTO A
CALF.
When Moses confronted Aaron about his role in creating the calf, Aaron declared, “I said
to them, ‘Whoever has gold, take it off!’ They gave it to me and I hurled it into the fire
and out came this calf!” [Exodus 32:21]

“Out came this calf?” Seriously?

Three minute delay.

Careers have been lost because of what comes out of people’s mouths. The late Helen
Thomas undid a lifetime legacy in which she declared, after 57 years as an esteemed
White House reporter, that Jews should get out of Israel—Palestine in her words—and go
back to Germany and Poland. Her comments were posted on June 3, 2010….by July 7
she was out of a job.

Thirty years ago Secretary of the Interior James Watt was boasting about the diversity of
his committee in which he said, “I have a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple.” That
comment forced him to resign from his position.

Now don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to be prejudiced to learn to keep your mouth
closed. It’s amazing how many times famous people, good people, open their mouths
nowadays and say ignorant and prejudiced comments that become not just public but
SUPER PUBLIC.

There was an episode of The Daily Show in which some Australian political candidates
were being profiled on their platforms. One candidate, Jaymes Diaz, was asserting his
belief in his party’s six point asylum seeker plan. The reporter asked him to elucidate
those six points. He couldn’t. Several days later another reporter interviewed him and
asked him if he’d like to redeem himself by clarifying his understanding of those six
points now that he’d had a few days to think about them. The candidate ignored the

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reporter. You would think that a candidate would be briefed on the issues he himself is
advocating, eh? Think before you speak!

I found a story about a young man trying to woo an attractive woman at an art gallery.
The man was looking at a painting, and commented to the young woman standing next to
him, “wow, this painting looks like it was painted by a blind man.”

The woman looked at him and said, “actually it was. It was painted by my father.”

Three minute delay.

The words we speak and the actions we take have consequences, toward those around us
and even back upon ourselves. Displays of anger are rarely useful endeavors. Such
displays make others around us uncomfortable, even fearful.

That creates an aura of anxiety and inhibits relationships with others. I cannot imagine
that angry would be a good way we would want to be described. If we could see
ourselves we would be embarrassed by such behavior. Unfortunately, there’s nobody
watching to say, “Good job!” when we control ourselves. In Rabbi Harold Kushner’s
words, “Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak.”

Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak.

What are the possible outcomes of anger? First, anger back from the person with whom
we are angry. Then the situation only escalates. Or what if the other person immediately
accedes? Then we’re embarrassed for our anger and have to be apologetic for the
outburst. In neither of these cases was anger beneficial.

I’d like to share the story with you of actor Michael Caine which he recounts in his book,
Acting in Film. In that book he asserts the following:

“I used to lose my temper. I would fly off the handle quite quickly in a work
situation. Then I worked on a picture called The Last Valley by James Clavell,
who had been a prisoner of the Japanese during World War II. James looks like
an Englishman, but he really thinks like a Japanese. I lost my temper one day,
and James just looked at me and let me finish ranting and raving, and then he said,
‘Come with me, Mike. Let’s go round the corner and sit down.’ He sat me down
and talked to me about the Japanese theory of losing face…if you start to scream
and shout, you look like a fool, and you feel like a fool, and you earn the
disrespect of everyone….I’ve never lost my temper in a work situation again.”
[Telushkin, Words that Hurt, Words that Heal, p. 73-74]

At the most charged moments we must learn to slow down, to do something other than
blast people with words. It is far more important to hear than to be heard. Think how
you want others to remember the way you handle pressure. At that moment, do you go
ballistic, OR do you go …mensch?

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You see, there’s a flip side to this coin. As easily as we can lay waste to everyone in the
room when we lose it, our mensch side can rise up and instead…pay it forward.

Our words and actions can add an immeasurable sense of positivity to the lives of those
around us.

I’d like to share with you the story of humorist Art Buchwald who wrote the following
column:

I was in New York the other day and rode with a friend in a taxi. When we got
out, my friend said to the driver, “Thank you for the ride. You did a superb job of
driving.”

The taxi driver was stunned for a second. Then he said, “Are you a wise guy or
something?”

“No, my dear man, and I’m not putting you on. I admire the way you keep cool
in heavy traffic.”

“Yeh,” the driver said and drove off.

“What was that all about?” I asked.

“I am trying to bring love back to New York,” he said. “I believe it’s the only
thing that can save the city.”

Buchwald continued,

“How can one man save New York?”

“It’s not one man. I believe I have made the taxi driver’s day. Suppose he has
twenty fares. He’s going to be nice to those twenty fares because someone was
nice to him. Those fares in turn will be kinder to their employees or shop-keepers
or waiters or even their own families. Eventually the goodwill could spread to at
least 1,000 people. Now that isn’t bad, is it?”

“But you’re depending on that taxi driver to pass your goodwill to others.”

“I’m not depending on it,” my friend said. “I’m aware that the system isn’t
foolproof, so I might deal with ten different people today. If, out of ten, I can
make three happy, then eventually I can indirectly influence the attitudes of 3,000
more.”

“It sounds good on paper,” I admitted, “but I’m not sure it works in practice.”

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My friend continued,

“Nothing is lost if it doesn’t. It didn’t take any of my time to tell that man that he
was doing a good job. He neither received a larger tip nor a smaller tip. If it fell
on deaf ears, so what? Tomorrow there will be another taxi driver whom I can try
to make happy.”

“You’re some kind of a nut,” I said.

“that shows how cynical you have become….”

Buchwald continued the story,

We were walking past a structure in the process of being built and passed five
workmen eating their lunch. My friend stopped. “That’s a magnificent job you
men have done. It must be difficult and dangerous work.” The five men eyed my
friend suspiciously. “When will it be finished?”

“June,” a man grunted.

“Ah, that really is impressive. You must all be very proud.”

We walked away. I said to him, “I haven’t seen anyone like you since ‘The Man
of La Mancha.’”

“When those men digest my words, they will feel better for it. Somehow the city
will benefit from their happiness.”

“But you can’t do this alone,” I protested. “You’re just one man.”

My friend declared,

“The most important thing is not to get discouraged. Making people in the city
become kind again is not an easy job, but if I can enlist other people in my
campaign…”

“You just winked at a very plain looking woman,” I said.

“Yes, I know,” he replied. “And if she’s a schoolteacher, her class will be in for a
fantastic day.” [Telushkin, Words that Hurt, Words that Heal, p. 151-153]

Such simple acts that can bring joy to someone, just sharing a few easy words that can
add delight to one’s entire day.

I’d like to share with you one more story, the story of an act that could make not merely
someone’s day better but perhaps that person’s entire existence:

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 Now consider the case of Ian O’Gorman, a ten-year-old boy in Oceanside,
California, who was diagnosed with cancer. The doctors prescribed ten weeks of
chemotherapy, during which, they warned him, all his hair would fall out. To
avoid the anxiety and pain of watching his hair gradually disappear, the youngster
had his entire head shaved.

One can only imagine Ian’s feelings a few days later when he returned to school,
prematurely bald, and found that the thirteen other boys in his fifth-grade class,
and their teacher as well, greeted him…with their heads…completely shaved.
[Telushkin, Words that Hurt, Words that Heal, p. 155]

That could not have been easy for any of the people involved. Yet the love it conveyed
to this young boy! They were all in it with that friend… together. They created a shared
moment that will stretch into a lifetime of comfort, meaning and togetherness for all of
them. Hopefully that boy recovered and that act will resonate with him the rest of his
days.

As we consider our deeds and actions for the next year, we should remember the three
minute delay. But we MUST remember that WE DON’T HAVE ONE!

Judaism has a wealth of declarations about the power of the word. The Talmud does not
know of a three minute delay, but it does declare that a word is like an arrow—once
released it cannot be called back.

So let us ponder carefully upon our words and actions as we embark on the Jewish year
5783. Let us not allow our words to cause pain, to cause hurt, to cause anger or to cause
anxiety.

Like the friend of Art Buchwald, let our words bring a little more peace, a little more
comfort, and more love into the world around us.

Copyright © 2022 Rabbi Jeffrey Kurtz-Lendner