The Quest to Save Pittaro:

An intergalactic tale of love and destiny!

Chapter 1: Holy Shit! Pittaro s dead!

The greatest tragedy of all fell upon the members of Fuchsia Tech. Pittaro had died. Death by misadventure is what the coroner called it. It was one hell of a misadventure for a man s ass be cracked in four, appearing to all like a lucky clover, and for his face to be turned inside out so that the last thing he experienced before his demise was the smell of his own brain. The details of what deviant, totally unacceptable and overall icky behavior led to this unfortunate situation remain hazy, but all accounts seem to agree that it involved midgets, a baseball bat and two gallons of hummus. All that is neither here nor there, because the bottom line was that the leader of Fuchsia Tech was dead. Known as the wimpiest, lamest and least respected gang on QA (pronounced Kwah), they were the butt of most of the planet s jokes. Whenever they would roll into town on their mopeds and Segways, the children of the town would pelt them with rotten fruit and rival gangs would beat them up thoroughly. Or sometimes it was vice-versa, as even the children of the planet were braver and tougher than Fuchsia Tech. Their uniforms and peculiar personalities did not do much to bolster their reputation, either. On each of their ears was an earring shaped like a marshmallow from Lucky Charms cereal, and their hot pink spandex underwear that they wore over their pants made them appear as humorous and flamboyant as possible. In spite of their inherent lameness however, they took pride in their association and were as closely bonded as any family. This is why when Pittaro died, it struck deeply. Never again would chest hair Mohawk be at the forefront of their bold charges into Toys R Us in order to play with Lego without paying for it. Hai-Fung was the most devastated of them all, leaving the planet in grief without so much as a word to where he was going. The rest of Fuchsia Tech, however, would not fold so easily. Antoine, a loud-mouthed and cowardly sycophant, rose to the rank of second-in-command by constantly sucking up to Pittaro while he lived. His shrill voice and fake Bronx accent were, in effect, the voice of FT for better or for worse. With his leader gone, Fuchsia Tech now had Antoine to look to for guidance and, unfortunately for all of them, he believed he could actually get the job done. His earring was shaped like blue diamond and even his hair was dyed Fuchsia in order to brag about hardcore he was. Not surprisingly, the beatings he received were among the brutal and his man flower was unnaturally violated on many an occasion.

Clyde was the stoic tough guy of the group. Young and spry, he would often dart back and forth wave his fists about, looking as if he wanted to fight. The instant a fight actually broke out, he would be pummeled into the pavement. His earring was purple horseshoe. Sop, the human cannonball, was probably the most sensible of the group and oddly enough the closest thing they ever had to a real gangsta. Known as the Human Cannonball, he wore a black turtle shell on his back and would tuck himself inside to fling his body at his foes. This was largely ineffective, and more often than not he would end up helpless on his back and unable to get up while being curbstomped. His earring was blue diamond. Bianca was the first female member ever allowed entry into Fuchsia Tech, and in an effort to prove herself decided that should would have the biggest balls out of anyone. It took years of training, but she eventually willed giant testicles to grow from her body. Sadly, she did not appreciated the sensitive nature of male genitalia and would often trip and injure her balls before fights would even begin. Her earring was pink heart because, you know, she s a chick. Micky D was an outer space rapper who could fire lasers from his eyes and lift cars above his head. But for whatever reason he was usually hiding whenever shit went down. Maybe because of that, he was the only member of Fuchsia Tech to not be covered in scar tissue and have metal plates on their bones. He lost his earring so we will never know what it was. Sam, the hot head, was always the first to start a fight. Sadly, his technique often consisted of him shouting the word CHARGE! and then standing with his index finger pointed at Fuchsia s Tech foes while waiting for his beating. His eyebrows were also snakes for some reason. Green clover was his earring. Wilfred quit Fuchsia Tech after his doctor warned him that any future beatings could result in his bones dissolving into dust. If spite of his medical disability, he still hung around with them out of camaraderie and to partake in their delicious supply of ginger ale and gummy worms. And that is what made him the bravest of them all! In his retirement, he was able to grow a long Fu Manchu mustache and beard down to his toes, which endowed him with ancient powers that were not entirely clear to anyone. His earring, while he stilled rolled with Fuchsia Tech, was red balloon.

Justin s prowess with the guitar was matched only by his total lack of wits. To him, the whole world was a heavy metal show and while his friends were being beaten mercilessly by rival gangs, he would often grimace menacingly and shake his head vigorously. As the blows would rain down upon his skull, he would shout METAL! for each fist that connected with his skull. His earring was that door where the keyhole appeared if you dipped it in milk. Eliel was the ladies man. He would attempt to charm ladies in every bar that they went to in order to spread the good name of Fuchsia Tech and expand the group s numbers. There only two issues here: 1) It was hard to be smooth with wearing hot pink underwear and drinking only diet ginger ale. 2) He would often try to pick up the girlfriends of rival gang members, leading to many of the unnecessary ass kickings that made Fuchsia Tech look like total pansies to begin with. His earring was a multicolored rainbow. Eric was known as weapons master. Equally skilled with the Wiffle bat, soft pillow or handful of jelly beans, there were none who knew not to fear his tremendous arsenal! His earring was that of a leprechaun s cap. Tommy was a rich millionaire who kept Fuchsia Tech funded, allowing for such grand luxuries as endless diet ginger ale and more sour gummy worms than you could shake a stick at. He also made sure their mopeds were as balling as possible, and wore a top hat that was always stuffed with hundred dollar bills. It was this hidden stack of cash that kept the paramedics from leaving these sorry losers to bleed to death in the streets after one of their ill-advised escapades. Unsurprisingly, his earring was a pot o gold. Myriam was the only reason that anyone survived the constant massacres. While everyone in Fuchsia Tech was about to be beat to death, she would kindly ask that the gang members please spare her friends. Charmed by her innate adorableness, they would feel slightly bad for administering the awesome ass kicking and thusly back off. Her earring was also a pink heart, because she too was a chick. Juliano was known as the professor. He would design the battle mopeds and Segways that the gang would ride and would develop the battle plans for their inevitable confrontations. Sadly, no one could ever understand what he was saying as he was allergic to ginger ale and would often swell up like a balloon at inopportune times. Appropriately enough, his earring was red balloon.

Last but not least, Evgueni was wild card. He never spoke or participated in any gang-related activity. When asked as to why he never got involved, all he had to say was The time has not yet come . The mysterious figure s earring was orange star. There was a great deal of mourning, but mourning turned to hope as Antoine looked over the notes left in Pittaro s desk. Within them was a description of a powerful tool known only as the Dio Stone. Its great power, the papers claimed, could shatter mountains, move suns and even bring back the dead. It was a long shot, but this tool could potentially bring their leader back to the world of the living and Fuchsia Tech would live on. And so the preparations were made. In order to make the trip across the universe in search for the Dio Stone, Juliano designed a mighty spaceship that required every last QA Point that Tommy possessed in order to construct. It took months, but Starship Vince, a transforming battle spaceship was built. It did have a tendency to curse and hurl insulting comments towards the Fuchsia Tech crew, but its developers claimed that it was as designed and gave it the green light to blastoff. All were strapped in and prepared for launch. Before Spaceship Vince and the Fuchsia Tech crew could blast off, there was a shout from outside. Wait for us! Mathieu Pronovost, Phil Rostaing, Marie-Joelle, Francis Gagnon, Gilbert, Vince Paquette and Ossama all ran towards the ship waving their arms. They too were loyal Fuchsia Tech members, but did not make it to the spaceship-related meetings and therefore did not know about the impending space adventure. It was too late though, and Vince s rockets spewed forth mighty flames, blasting off into the great beyond! Mathieu, Phil, MJ, Francis, Gilbert, Vince and Ossama were reduced to ash, but they were never forgotten as the greatest heroes of them all.

Chapter 2: Crash Landing on Planet Pretty Butterfly

We re going to crash! squealed Antoine! It s cuz that planet wants to fight us boys! Let s give it to em! YEAAAAAAAH! Justin screamed, his head thrashing back and forth more vigorously than a blind, retarded man with Parkinson s. Starship Vince collided with the strange foreign world, the impact causing grave damage to its systems. By some rare benevolent fortune however, not one FTer was significantly injured. The entire crew exited the wounded vessel and assessed the situation. It seemed to be a bleak beginning to their adventure to find themselves in such unfortunate circumstances already, but Antoine s near incoherent rambles of their greatness and fortitude kept spirits high. Wilfred, Sop and Clyde ventured into the woods to seek help, but all they found was a disheveled shack. Within, there lay only bullet holes in the walls and what appeared to be slash marks left by dozens of sharp blades. What the shit happened up in this place? Sop asked upon assessing the damage. What happens when the Doctor tries to harness a hurricane. The startled FTers crapped themselves slightly as they turned around to see the man standing in the doorway. There stood a mighty Spaniard (or possibly Mexican) man, cloaked in a torn robe with a hood partially obscuring his face. Do not be afraid. I can tell that you men are far too weak and stupid to be the Doctor s forces. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Hurricane Hennick. Where I walk, only destruction follows. It is my great curse that has attracted the attention of the fiendish doctor. Whoa! A doctor? Wilfred exclaimed. Is he smart enough to fix our spaceship? The Doctor will help no one! He s a demon born from the very fire of Hell and feeds off of the misery and hate that he instills upon others. A fouler beast has never been conceived and he d more like eat your internal organs for lunch than fix your ship. Hennick stroked his long wispy Mexican mustache as he calmed himself down. Wilfred s mighty beard caught his eye and gave him enough respect for this troupe to decide to aid them. Well fixing things is not my bag, but there are many

brilliant men held captive by the Doctor. If you assist me in deposing this tyrant, I am sure that they would repay you for freeing them. Sop, Wilfred and Clyde conferred with each other over this. While the prospect of fixing their ship was tempting, it seemed totally hard and not worth it. By the way, Hennick began to ask, why are you weak looking fools flying across the universe for? We need the Dio Stone to bring Pittaro back to life , Clyde answered, puffing his chest out while making gun motions with his fingers. The idle threats were completely ignored by Hennick, who was too interested in the answer to pay heed to his stupid antics. Dio Stone? Ah, I remember the days before it was split apart. Split apart?! the three FTers exclaimed. Yes gentlemen. Into five pieces actually. Evil intergalactic warlords split it up in order to reinforce their wicked powers. If you plan to reclaim the whole jewel, then you will have to take it from their hands. Even for someone as cool and awesome as myself, that would be no simple task. Are you sure you wish to undergo such a taxing journey? Shiiiit, that sounds hard! Sop groaned. Yo, let s bust out of here. This ain t worth it! We have to! cried Wilfred, tears of manliness streaming down his cheeks. For Pittaro! For Pittaro! Sop and Clyde cried in unison, more manly tears flying down their faces. Hennick was confused by what could be wrong with these retards and dared not ask more questions. Er, well, we need to plan an attack against the Doctor s hideout first. He is protected by a harem of Amazon warriors who are loyal to him. I hear he imprisoned all of the good men of the former king s army because he thought being protected by dudes made him look gay. The first of his Amazons is the witch Sheena. She s supposed to come from a faraway land where he developed great magicks capable of turning men s faces into pudding. The second one is Nat, who commands a mighty beast that does not leave a single corpse behind in its wake. The third is Bianca Marques, who is so punk rock that she eats nails and then spits them back out at her foes. Finally,

there s Olivia who drives a tank everywhere she goes and runs over men, women and children for her sick pleasure because she s fucking nuts. Then there is Doctor X himself. I don t know much about him other than he uses black arts to control the population of Planet Pretty Butterfly, and wants to use my power to destroy worlds. Hey doncha worrrrry! Antoine screamed as he barged into the building suddenly. I heard everything and FT is gonna put that dude is his graaaave! He don t stand a chance! No chance! I heard everything too All eyes turned to a dark corner of the room where a small creepy looking dude sat smirking. So you dickcocks think you can fell the Doctor? Maybe once I ve completely killed your asses you ll think different. Dammit! I forgot about him! Hennick cursed. That s Martin Fallon! He s the only man allowed in the Doctor s army. He was powerful enough to be immune to the Doctor s black arts, but decided to turn against his people rather than save them. At that point Martin transformed into what looked like a mixture between a Totoro and a grizzly. Clyde and Antoine mouthed off and made threatening motions, but one swipe from his giant Totoro paw was enough to send both crashing through one of the cabin walls and fall into a pile of Totoro shit that Martin squeezed out before sneaking into the room. The rancid smell of failure made both men weep and start to make out and stuff. But Hennick was unimpressed. With a wave of his hand, a great wind overtook Martin and sent him flying into the air. With another mighty gale, Hennick cut apart a nearby tree and fashioned the top into a sharp point. Martin fell upon mouth first, becoming a human shish kabob. Oh my god, this tree tastes terrible! were his last words before his last remaining organs exploded into an orgy of blood and pus. Sop and Wilfred clapped and cheered on the powerful Spaniard (Puerto Rican?), but Hennick motioned them to stop their celebration. His Totoro ears were capable of sending powerful messages. If there was anyone else on your ship, they are most definitely in grave danger!

Meanwhile, the rest of Fuchsia Tech were sitting amongst Vince playing cards and eating delicious pine cones, not aware of the danger that was swiftly approaching.

Chapter 3: Doctor X and his Womens

Bursting from the landscape, Starship Vince was knocked over by A GIANT SPIDER MADE OF BEES! Riding the spider was her wicked queen Nat, who conjured the bees in her belly and fired them out of her eyelids. FUCK THIS SHIT! Bianca shouted. Gathering up her tremendously large testicles, she jumped aboard the giant Bee-Spider while it repeatedly stung and harassed the Fuchsia Techers. They cheered Bianca on as their bodies swelled up with bee venom. Nat, pissed off that someone dare ride her baby, hissed like a wild cat and clawed at Bianca s eyes. Bianca retaliated with more chick-like maneuvers, that were like totally hot and stuff. And so this epic battle continued as many a hair was pulled and Slut! was vocalized. Eventually, it was up to Eric to turn the tide. Reaching into his Armory of Destiny, he flung forth a sacred weapon towards Bianca in which she may slay this furious beastmaster. Seeing her opportunity, Bianca grabbed the pair of safety scissors out of the air and plunged them in Nat s heart. G gay Nat spouted with her dying breath.

The bees dispersed and Fuchsia Tech savored their first ever victory in their rich and pitiful history. Unbeknownst to them, however, more danger approached. For this reason, Hurricane Hennick and Sop rushed back to where Spaceship Vince had crashed while Antoine and Clyde sauntered over to Doctor X s palace. Yo, we re gonna mess this guy up good, bro! He s gonna wish that his mama had born retarded so she wouldn t have been able to raise him to be old enough to get his ass whooped by us! Clyde flexed menacingly. Back at the crash site, FT was still picking the bee stingers out of their wounded bodies when they heard another sound from the forest. To their horror, an entire army sprung forth from the trees. On their vests was the letter X, signifying their allegiance to the fiendish Doctor X. This mighty force was known as the X-Men. They were led by a wild-haired woman with a spiked collar, spiked boots and spiked hair made of spikes.

I am Captain Bianca M! The handsome and benevolent Doctor X has demanded that you interlopers be murderfied! There can be only one Bianca! the FT Bianca shouted in a manly manner. She attempted to rush the army, but tripped over her gargantuan gonads and crumpled to the ground in pain. Bianca M could only laugh at this sad display. With our giant army and my ability to spit nails, no giant testicles can save you now! Prepare to face the wrath of Captain Bianca and the X-Men! Sucking in enough air to make her stomach protrude, Bianca M exhaled and spewed forth a shower of nails from her mouth. They littered the landscape and hit many of the FTers in the arms and legs. Crying over their boo-boos was all that most of them could do while Bianca prepared another salvo meant to finish them off for good. It s Tommy time! Jumping in front of the blast, Tommy absorbed the entire wave of nails that Bianca M blew at the team. After she ran out of breath, Bianca M stopped in order to gather her strength for a third attack. Tommy would have none of this! Even though his entire body was covered in nails and all of his organs were turned to pin-cushions, he was still ready to man up for FT and for that awesome Pittaro guy! He leapt onto Bianca M, impaling her with the nails stuck into his body. He continued to roll around, stabbing X-Men and picking them up as he rolled. On and on, he span about killing the entire army sent to murder FT. By the time Tommy died from exhaustion and a million nails in his body, Bianca M and all of the X-Men were dead and stuck to Tommy like a giant sphere. Tommy, you were the manliest one of us all! FT shouted in unison as they wept rugged tears. Sop and Hennick just arrived at the scene in time to see Tommy s unfortunate passing and paid homage to the fallen hero. They didn t have long to celebrate before the next terror showed its face though. Kekekeke! You beat Nat and Bianca M? Innnteresting! The witch Sheena tented her fingers evilly as she flew in the sky. And that Hurricane Hennick boy is here too. I ll stew you all in my cauldron together!

Watch out! Hennick shouted. She s a master of Middle-Earth magicks! She learned those in Mascouche! But it was too late! With a wave of her hand, Sheena was able to make everyone in FT plus Hennick simultaneously poop themselves. The uncomfortable shame brought everyone to their knees and helpless to fight back. Geheheh! Now how shall I cook you little pretties up? SHUT THE FUCK UP! Out of nowhere, Antoine and Clyde showed up and double bitch-slapped Sheena over the horizon! You came back! Hennick exclaimed. Well you know, Antoine said in his most thuggish of manners, we was gonna go to Doctor X s and totally fuck his shit up, but thens we got lost and ended up here instead. YEAH! YOU LIKE THAT?! Clyde nodded and bumped his fists together. Once pants were replaced and spirits risen, the whole crew set out to Doctor X s castle. Once within the gates, they found no guards, as Tommy had killed all of the X-Men army. This made the job of infiltrating a complete cinch, but they remained on guard. Walking deep into the bowels of the devil s lair, FT came across a dungeon inhabited by emaciated skeletons and men wailing as they ate their own eyes for food. Only one person in this entire prison looked more than half-alive. Sitting at the far end was a man with a buzz cut and red bandana around his head. He wore no shirt, but camo paint was drawn across his rippling muscles. Who s there? the mystery man asked. Why it s General Cody! Hennick screamed in girlish delight. He was the greatest warrior this planet has ever had! I thought Doctor X had you killed? Not for lack of trying. But I die the second my muscles stop looking awesome without a shirt on. Any day now, I ll become flabby and weak and my own muscles will devour me rather than suffer the shame. You must get me out of here!

Suddenly, the wall to the dungeon came down with a thundering crash! It was X s final Amazon captain, Olivia, riding a suped up tank. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! she screamed, her eyes spinning around wildly. Of all of X s female captains, Olivia was by far the most dangerous. Even her own allies were not safe when she was unleashed, and she would surely bring down the entire castle with her massive tank, crushing FT as well. CODY S GOTTA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! Unfortunately for Olivia though, Mickey D got MAD! THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG! He lifted up the tank and using all of his hidden and rarely used strength, flung it into the sun. Olivia leapt off the tank in the nick of time and pulled two giants machine guns off of her back. By this time though, Hennick was able to unlock Cody from his cell. It s Cody Time! He took the guns out of Olivia s hands and made the guns shoot each other until they exploded into metallic dust. Cody then took the dust and tossed in into Olivia s eyes, blinding her. While she stumbled around yelling and trying to regain her sight, Cody ripped off her right arm and used it like a baseball bat to knock her head off into outer space. Cody shook his head and moaned Damn, I ve gotten weak. If I was at full strength, that head would time travelled and could have seen baby Jesus being born before she died. That would have been sweet. NOW SOMEONE MAKE ME A STEAK! RAW! The victory feast would have to wait till the Doctor was defeated though. Dwelling in his chamber several floors above, the dark beast began to awaken from his slumber. Who dares interrupt my nappy time? he grumbled.

Chapter 4: Doctor X Gonna FUCK YOU UP!

Fuschia Tech, now joined by rugged General Cody, had eliminated all obstacles on their way to face the Doctor. Upstairs they climbed to the upper reaches of his immense castle, only to be blocked at the last moment by a familiar foe. Kee kee kee kee! Sheena squealed. You thought your limp wrists were enough to bitch slap me to death? Now see what Middle Earth Magic is all about! Before she could wave her hand and make everyone shit themselves again, Evgueni stepped forward. And what do you want? Sheena asked, upset that the foul stench of shame was not yet filling the corridor to the Doctor s room. Evgueni, the wild card, who had never stepped into action before, had now decided it was his time to contribute. With great intensity, he stared down Sheena. She did not know how to react to this intimidating action, so at first she stared back. This continued for a minute before Sheena got frustrated. Bah, I m gonna magic your face! You looked away, Evgueni quietly muttered. In that instant, Sheena was launched backwards by Evgueni s wild card stare at a speed so ridiculous that she broke through the Doctor s door and crumpled up on the ground. Sitting upon a throne comprised entirely of disembodied tits was Doctor X, sipping wine from a goblet of bone and enveloped in his wicked Snuggie. In all their years of tussling with street gangs, FT had never come across a dark and furious evil such as this one! Sheena THE FUCK, GIRL?! With and hand he picked Sheena up and flung her so fast that all of her skin ripped off. She collided with Evgueni and knocked him unconscious. Rising from his chair, he stepped forward, scorching the stone floor black with each footstep he took. Even though Sheena s magic had failed earlier, that did not stop many FTers from soiling themselves on the spot. Hennick, however, was unfazed. Killing your own loyal soldier in order to hurt an enemy, Hennick shouted with tears of rage running down his face. Fiendish Doctor X YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW!

Spinning rapidly, Hennick turned into a human hurricane and launched himself towards Doctor X. This proved futile however as the Doctor swatted Hennick in the opposite direction to stop him from spinning. That won t work, son! We have been fighting each other for too long, ever since I would sit on you and fart on your face in pre-school. I know everything about you and all your weaknesses Hurricane HEIDI. Upon hearing these words, Hennick screeched like a schoolgirl and covered his ears. You promised you wouldn t say that anymore! Hennick dropped his guard just long enough for X to headbutt him in the chest so hard that it left an indentation and knocked him out cold. Cody stepped up to fight next, but his body had not yet consumed enough meat to recover his full strength and he was quickly squashed. Fuchsia Techers followed one after another as they were all quickly dispatched by the awesome strength of the Doctor. With few left standing, the Doctor finally came to Myriam and was poised to strike her down as well. So easily that he had been winning, however, that he was off-guard for Myriam s secret technique. Please Doctor X, won t you just play nice? Myriam politely asked. Her eyes then became wide and adorable. She curtsied by lifting the corners of her dress and the pretty ribbon in her hair sparkled every color of the rainbow. Butterflies and birds landed on her shoulders and woodland animals played about her feet. The sun in the sky, which had previous been barely visible through the window, how had a smiley face on it and pink heart fluttered in the air all through the room. T too cute! X gasped, dropping down to one knee. I can t possible do anything mean to you. Seeing an opportunity had finally arisen, Sop picked himself up off the floor and tucked himself into his mighty cannonball form. Mickey D, he shouted to his teammate who was busy playing Game Boy in the corner, let s finish him! Fiiiiiine, Mickey D groaned. Using his herculean strength, Mickey D tossed Sop like a highpowered shot put directly at the Doctor. He flew through the chest of the monster and opened a 4 foot hole in his torso. X screamed in agony as he started dissolving into a black dust that scattered in the wind. Fuchsia Tech was triumphant that day thanks to their brilliant teamwork!

The next day, with Planet Pretty Butterfly s prisoners now freed, their best engineers and scientists worked on not only repairing Vince but also converting him into a Transformer-style robot. They were ready to depart when Hennick and a fully recovered (and still shirtless) Cody approached them. We re sorry about Tommy. We would like to help you out on your quest for find the pieces of the Dio Stone. As a matter of fact, Cody here knows where they should all be located. That s right. I m back to my manly self and ready to rock! First we ve got to visit Planet USA and get it off its ruler, the Yankey Doodle. Then it s off to the Planetary Republic of Hellas to swipe it from its greatest warrior, Niko the Greeko. Thirdly, we must seek out the Halifax Twins who roam outer space it their intergalactic pirate ship. They re pirates you see and each has a shard. The final shard, I don t know who has it or where it is, but I have heard rumors that surrounding it and the mysterious letters DSK . With their new knowledge and comrades at their side, Fuchsia Tech bid farewell to Planet Pretty Butterfly and soared off into the great unknown.

Chapter 5: USA, A-Okay!

Man, fuck THESE guys Juliano shouted as maneuvered Vince to dodge the space missiles fired upon them. He returned fire using Vince s space hand cannon now that he was transformed into a giant badass robot, but the perusing ship was too big and mighty and barely felt the impact. No sooner had Fuchsia Tech entered the vicinity of Planet USA when a gargantuan (space) pirate (space) ship appeared out of the blue and opened fire. It belonged to the infamous Opium Mafia, known for their sick practice of capturing foreign travelers and transforming them into Opium which they would then sell on the Black Market. The ruler of Planet USA had been away for many years and in their absence the Yankey Doodle took charge of the planet s affairs. However, she had a propensity for apathy and let the entire world fall apart without lifting a finger. In fact, it is said that the Yankey Doodle enjoyed watching as her empire burned, gaining strength from the misery of others. Within a half-hour, the Opium mafia ship had used its tractor beam (a beam made of farm equipment that cultivates ships like they were crops) to suck in Vince. Once inside, the mafia stormed the Fuchsia Tech vessel and quickly began subduing its passengers. Among the raiders were Ajmal, known for his ability to breathe steam from his eyes and fire his armpit hairs, which contained a powerful tranquilizer. It was through this method that Hurricane Hennick and many of the FTers were knocked unconscious. Cody was much too fierce and resisted the poison, but this is where Opium Mafia Raider Edens came into play. He too had the power of steam eyes, and could tase people with his fingernails. The shock, along with the drug in his system from Ajmal s hair needles, was too much for even the Mighty Cody and he lost consciousness. Within minutes, all were rounded up and brought before the Godfather s right hand man, Stephane. You came to this planet not knowing about how dangerous the circumstances were. Are you all so ignorant that you did not know that only a fool would come through Opium Mafia territory? Stephane had the ability to emit steam from his eyes as well. In fact, all of the Opium Mafia could. That s what made them so special! On top of that, he was known as the Silver-Tongued Gangster. In the past before the Yankey Doodle came to power, it was his negotiating and diplomacy skills that allowed the previous regime to tolerate the existence of such a depraved criminal force on the planet. He also was in charge of the travel package brochures that advertised Planet USA as an ideal family vacation destination, in spite of the lawlessness and lack of any activities that would entertain a child enough to keep them away from their PSP for more than 2 minutes.

In any case, the Godfather will be down soon to personally take care of you all. Enjoy your last minutes of life before you re free based into some junkie s spoon. Guards, take them away! Imprisoned and weakened, their only chance for escape from the Opium Mafia s prison was if Cody woke up. At this point however, if did not seem as if he would come to in time. Antoine was the first to regain consciousness, as expended what little strength he had left mouthing off. Awh man, dis is real bad. Yeah, dey is gonna get it when I break out of deese chains a kick all dere asses! Just then, a thundering boom was heard and the jail cell door fell down! Two men in army fatigues rushed into the room and injected the antidote to Ajmal s tranquilizer into their veins. Don t worry, one of the two saviors said. We re the vigilantes known as Durand Durand. I m Andrew and this is my brother Alex. We re here to save you from these wicked criminals! Durand Durand was formed after the sons of the chief of police on Planet USA were forced to watch as their father was beaten to death by his own skeleton by the Opium s godfather. They were dedicated to overthrowing the Yankee Doodle s corrupt government and restoring order to the land. Let s get you all out of here and back to your ship, Alex said. No sooner had they walked out of the cell that Ajmal and Edens stood in their way. They cracked their knuckles, steam pouring out of their eyes so quickly that their faces were barely visible. I don t know why they have steam eyes. They just do. This time though, the FT gang was prepared. Hurricance Hennick span and ran into Ajmal so hard that all of his skin and flesh was ripped off from his body. The helpless skeleton crumpled on the floor while Cody dealt with Edens. Without Ajmal s poison slowing him down, he caught Edens taser hand just before it hit him in the chest. With a gentle tug, he was then able to rip Edens hand from his arm and shoved it down his throat! Edens stumbled around choking to death on his own hand when Cody decided to show a little morsel of mercy. Getting behind Edens, he delivered the Heimlich Maneuver, causing Edens to spit out his hand. The Heimlich Maneuver was so strong though that Edens was chopped in half at the waist. Clyde seized the opportunity and delivered a devastating elbow drop to the already lifeless head of Edens while FT hooted and cheered Clyde s brave act.

At the moment, a tall steamy-eyed individual sauntered forward, stroking his chin and chuckling to himself. This man was Godfather Jimmy, the head of the Opium Mafia and the man who was responsible for turning humans into Opium. Next to him was a 300 year old Chinese man with an intensely wrinkled face and a long gray beard. Kee hee hee, they have great spunk, don t they Mr. Godfather? I agree with you, Mr. Souligna. You won t regret paying top dollar for the product I m about to extract for you. That s enough! Juliano screamed. Opium is created from the dried sap of poppies. You can t use people to make your drugs! It s illogical! You can if you re the Godfather, replied Jimmy. Putting one hand on Juliano s face, he squeezed him like an orange and Opium began to flow out of his pores. Juliano s screams of agony sent a chill down everyone s spine as they helplessly watched as he shriveled up like a dead leaf, eventually crumbling into dust. The opium was collected in a jar by Souligna who snickered and ran away. In his chamber, he smoked the Opium and collapsed in his bed content. After several minutes, he stared up at the ceiling and saw a baby crawling about it, its head twisting around 180 degrees while still making unintelligible baby noises. This sight freaked Souligna to such an extent that he crashed through the window of his room and exploded into the vacuum of space. The window shattering breached the integrity of the Opium Mafia s ship and Godfather Jimmy fell to the ground as the ship shook about. This gave Durand Durand the opportunity they needed. They heroically whipped out handcannons like the one Charles Bronson had in Death Wish 3 and took turns blowing off chunks of Jimmy s body. They all rushed to where Vince was parked and zoomed out of the pirate ship before it broke apart. On the planet s surface, Durand Durand guided FT and co. to the home of Yankey Doodle. Surprisingly, it was completely unguarded, so the members of Fuchsia Tech wondered if this was really the place they sought out. Don t be deceived, Alex said as his opened the first door.

Andrew nodded and opened the second door. The Yankey Doodle is far from popular on this planet, but does not need a single bodyguard. Even with all the criminal activity and the fact that she is a highly unpopular leader, no one would ever dare invading her home. The Dio Stone has granted her great power to defeat anyone who dares cross her. Lying on her bed sipping a smoothie and watching Dharma and Greg, the Yankee Doodle casually looked over at the interlopers and yawned. Can you hurry it up so I can kill you and get back to my show?

Chapter 6: The Mighty Fro vs. Volcano Arm

Sitting there on her couch and scratching her ass, the Yankee Doodle was FUCKING INTENSE! All froze in their tracks due to the frightening aura that she emanated, making Doctor X seem like a huge goddamn pussy in comparison. It was several moments before Eliel, the ladies man, stepped forward. I ll try to use my smooth-ass charms to talk her into giving us the Dio stone, he casually stated, and he walked towards the Yankey Doodle. I m sorry. We didn t mean to intrude upon your home when you weren t prepared for company. But I must say that even in your pajamas you look damn fine! Instantly bored by what was coming out of this man s mouth, Yankey Doodle ripped off Eliel s torso and sewed his head to his arms and legs so that he became some sort of starfish-like creature. Oddly enough, this did not kill him! Fuchsia Tech stood in shock at the display of power just shown and prepared to flee when Yankee Doodle rose up. Let me have a bit more fun first. Her large and powerful afro expanded and grew as black as the night sky. In fact, it looked exactly like the night sky because she created an entire universe within her fro! Like a vacuum, she sucked in all of Fuchsia Tech and their companions into the void! Only the Durand Durand brothers remained, and they stood tall, taking fighting stances. Even if you kill all those good people, they shouted in unison, we aren t going to take your guff any longer! Yankee Doodle yawned and stretched lazily. Uh, so like now is where I can kill you and stuff, right? Within the afro universe, Fuchsia Tech floated around aimlessly, trapped in the infinite blackness and doomed to die. All seemed hopeless until a monk in bright orange robes floated their way. He was a kindly Asian man with a gentle smile and a strange bandage on his arm covered in talismans. Oh, so I finally have some company here. Good good! I shall teach you all how to survive for ages without food and water. Start off by eating a piece of that delicious looking starfish.

Everyone then took turns eating Eliel until their stomachs were full and distended. The only thing that was left was a star-shaped skeleton which Eric took and placed in his bag of weaponry. They felt well and forgot about their doom for a moment when Wilfred recognized the monk. Oho, you are known as Kelvin the Cannibal! I have heard stories of how you once suplexed a hundred men into a large cooking pot at once! You re so manly! Kelvin chuckled and rubbed his belly. Those were times long passed. I am no longer the Cannibal you once heard of. A Nasty Demon Guy cursed my arm so I voluntarily sought out the Yankee Doodle so that I may hide in this universe and not bring harm to anyone. Wilfred dropped to his knees and kowtowed before the kindly people eater. Great monk Kelvin, we need to kill the Yankee Doodle to resurrect our friend. Do you know how to escape this universe? You can clearly tell from my awesome Fu Manchu mustache that I am a virtuous soul. Kelvin stroked his chin and nodded his head. Yes, such a fantastic mustache would be impossible for a man with evil intentions. It is said my Sun Tzu that the beard is the window to a man s destiny. Tears streamed down both Kelvin and Wilfred s faces, but as any Asian man would know they were not wussy tears but EPIC MANLY TEARS! Very well! Kelvin shouted as he stood up and began unraveling the bandage around his arm. I shall use my curse to help you! Underneath his bandage was a mighty volcano that spewed forth lava and trembled as if it could burst at any time. Aiming it towards the sky, Kelvin shouted in some Chinesesounding language or something and a stream of red hot lava blasted out the volcano like a cannon! This burned a tiny hole in the sky which everyone, including Kelvin, was able to use to escape. Upon returning to the real world, all were shocked to see that the Yankee Doodle was juggling Andrew and Alex s heads, as well as Polsky s. NOOOO! NOT POLSKY! everyone cried out. They charged Yankee Doodle, but her afro pulsated and all were bowled over instantly. S-such powerful hair, exclaimed Sop. How can we ever tame that? Fearlessly, Justin stepped forward. The only thing that can take down bitchin hair, he said, is even more bitchin hair! His feathered locks swelled up instantly as he took his battle stance.

Whipping out his electric guitar, he began playing a devastatingly powerful solo that reverberated through the air like a building being dynamited. Yankee Doodle was initially unfazed, but started to feel her hair wilting. Shocked that anyone could possibly rival her in hairdom, she produced a speaker from within her fro and blasted back Soul music to counter the attack. Justin did not stop, however! You can t beat the METALLLLLLLLLL! He shredded ever faster and even the smooth grooves coming out of Yankee Doodle s head could not stand up to the power. Justin s guitar turned red hot and his own hair became even more feathered and volumed. Panicked, Bianca stretched her arm out and screamed at him to stop. Even if your hair is super metal, your body can t take much more hardcore intensity! But Justin would not stop. Vibrating faster than the speed of sound, he moved his fingers along the highest frets so that not even the most trained human eye could follow the movements. He grimaced metallically and continued to play even when he started to feel his muscles strain and his bones creak form the pressure. In true heavy fashion however, Justin did not know the meaning of the word quit and upped his game even further. Eventually the strain became too great for everyone! Justin finished his solo off with a flourish, then dissolved into dust leaving only his guitar, hair and codpiece as monuments to his supreme rockitude. The Yankee Doodle was blasted back and her afro exploded into a shower of black curls that fell limply and powerlessly to the ground. MY BLACK MAMA HAIRDO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Enraged, she lunged forth and smashed even the mighty Mickey D and Evgueni aside. Cody was thrown into Hennick and she followed up by dropping a bus on both of them. Everyone else tried attacking her next, but even in this weakened and hairless state the Yankee Doodle proved to be too much for the Fuchsia Techers. Sop was punched so hard and flipped 360 degrees, Antoine and Clyde were kicked in the balls, Bianca was hit with a steel chair, Eric was given many noogies, Wilfred was body slammed and even lovely little Myriam was curb stomped by the cruel beast! Everyone began to give up hope and it looked as if Justin s sacrifice may have ultimately been in vain. However, Sam was too hot headed and wild to be stopped by a bald chick! He span around wildly and slipped on a banana peel, causing him to fall on his ass. By sheer luck however, the banana peel struck the Yankee Doodle in the face and she was temporarily blinded. Hennick seized the moment and

lunged forward, punching her straight in her smooth, exposed cranium. She yelped out in pain and Hennick signaled to everyone else that they should all follow suit. And so all of FT punched the Yankee Doodle in the skull simultaneously, causing in to cave in and explode. From the exposed neck hole rose a golden light: the shard of the Dio Stone! That s the first piece! exclaimed Hennick. Antoine dusted his hands and gave Clyde and Sam an explosive hi-five. All roight! Only four more to go! Yeah, dey don t stand a chance against Fuchsia Tech! At that point, Antoine collapsed from a combination of exhaustion and his wounds, with nearly everyone else following suit. Elsewhere at approximately the time, another spaceship touched down on Planet USA. The door to this mighty vessel opened up and five frightening men stepped forth and surveyed the landscape. So this is where those Fuchsia Tech fruits went, eh?

Chapter 7: The Party Hardy Boys

The strange ship touched down on Planet USA and five men emerged. Each one was smoking fifteen cigarettes and drinking a 12-pack a piece, but they consumed everything in the span of ten seconds. Having finished their pre-partying snack, it was time to get to business. One of them, his face obscured in shadow, pointed towards Yankey Doodle s house and everyone else started to laugh maniacally. Hopping on badass motorbikes, they all zoomed towards where Fuchsia Tech was located and arrived there within minutes. Who are you people? asked Hurricane Hennick. Oh shit! Mickey D shouted. It s the Party Hardy Boys! The Party Hardy Boys were Fuchsia Tech s biggest rivals on planet QA. And by rivals I mean people who beat the living piss out of them on every occasion. The five stood tall and even though FT outnumbered them greatly in spite of their recent losses, it was questionable whether they could take down a single one of these behemoths. The fact that no one was in top condition didn t help either. YEAAAAAAAAAAAH! With a single kick to the face, Frank Lajeunesse knocked Mickey D the fuck out, in spite of being their strongest member. Frank the Tank was a wild party man who only communicated in monosyllabic utterances, but his limitless supply of Party Power made him impossible to exhaust. He once fought for 48 hours straight, beating up a gang of a thousand men and drinking a beer and playing an air guitar solo after destroying each one. All of Fuchsia Tech quivered in fear, but Cody didn t know that he had to fear these men so he stood up and flexed his pecs. Awh, it s on now chumps! Let s roll! Then before he could bring his fist back, Cody was knocked unconscious by a swift sneak attack by JC, aka Hoang of the Schlong. The descendant of an ancient ninja family, JC had previously cast away his heritage and traditions in exchange for a more hedonistic lifestyle, which he ultimately found with the Party Hardy Boys. He was a silent killer who could snap the necks of a dozen men before they even knew it and had keen senses that allowed him to detect FT s cowardice no matter where they were in the universe. As for his nickname, it is said that he also was the master of a dark and evil art IN HIS PANTS!

You thought you limp-dicked little pussies could just run away to avoid getting your asses handed to you again? laughed Peris. Much like Antoine, he served as the voice of the group but did so with threats that could actually be followed up on. Oh oh yeah? retorted Antoine. Sam, seeing his cue to get started, flailed his hands around like an idiot and ran at Peris, but he was swatted to the ground by a single backhand. Clyde meekly raised his hands as well, but Frank smashed a bottle over his head and left him bleeding on the ground. Now Alex, that s quite enough. Haven t we teased these poor people have had quite enough? The closest thing that the Party Hardy Boys had to a peacemaker was Sean, the Farrel Beast. Most of the time, he was a very reasonable man, capable of keeping peaceful relations between his gang and their opponents. Under certain conditions though, he would become an uncontrollable monster who would not leave a single living soul in his wake. Evgueni, also having seen enough, used his intense stare ability, which caused Frank to twitch slightly and spill a bit of his beer on the ground. Unfortunately for Evgueni, he just discovered the way to unlocking the Farrel Beast s dark side. Did you JUST MAKE HIM SPILL BEER?! With a single tug, Sean ripped off both of Evgueni s arms, causing him to say ow in a very low and polite voice. Woozy with blood loss, Evgueni passed out. Having seen enough, Antoine and Bianca did the only rational thing at this point and cower and wet themselves, tears streaming down their faces and connecting with the snot dripping down their noses. Hurricane Hennick, not believing his eyes, begins yelling, Dammit, man up you two! If we re going to get the rest of the Dio Stone, you ll have to face tougher bastards than these guys! What the fuck did you just say? asked Rob, the leader of the Party Hardy Boys. 8 feet tall with a spherical afro and finely waxed mustache, he was known far and wide as the rowdiest, wildest, most out of control party animal in the entire planet of QA. This brought him great respect and soon other gangs began to fear him and let the Party Hardy Boys do pretty much whatever they wanted. But he fucking HATED Dio because he was an evil evil man born without a soul. He grabbed Hennick in a headlock, and before he knew what was going on Hennick was being subjected to the atomic noogie attack! Rob s hands vibrated faster than the speed of sound, and it was only a few seconds before Hennick s scalp caught on fire and he writhed around on the ground trying to put it out. Walking past all the other frightened and unconscious FTers, Rob yanked Antoine up by his nose hairs and took a look in his jacket

pocket. Sure enough, he found the shard of the Dio Stone within it. His anger grew to monumental proportions, but he suppressed it for the time being because his need to party had not been satiated lately. Whipping out his epic MEAT CANNON, he took a long satisfying piss on Antoine s face while he could only cry and utter empty threats. We came here, Rob sighed, because we we re on our way to party on the Wild Sex Planet and beating up you chumps gets us revved for a good time. But knowing that you think you can use Dio to get your shithead leader back makes me so pissed off that only the most epic party can make me happy again. Come on boys, we re going to the Dirty Dirty Sex Planet. Awh yeah! Peris screamed. I get to ride the Clitosaurus first! And as quickly as they came, the Party Hardy Boys left on their ship, in possession of that first piece of the Dio Stone. Bianca looked around herself and saw only battered bodies and torn limbs. She too began to feel woozy from her battle with the Yankey Doodle and started to pass out. The last thing she saw was two more mysterious figures walking towards her. Fuck, she said. Mysterious figures are dicks!

Chapter 8: Let s Try This Again!

One by one, the Fuchsia Tech group was dragged away by these mysterious figures. Those who were still awake were too weak and groggy to resist, and it wasn t before long when Myriam was the only one left. The least wounded of the bunch, he was able to get to her feet and recover just enough to see that their kidnappers were actually a pair of kindly nurses dressed in white and carrying medical supplies to help though in a critical state. Hello young one. I am Julie. And I am Laurence. The women guided Myriam to their home where all the wounded were given fluffy pillows and their injuries were all tended to. Aside for the fact that Evgueni now had no arms from when Sean ripped them off, everyone was doing pretty well. A combination of juice boxes, Band-Aids and morphine had raised their spirits and within a few days, all were healed. In that time, they were tended to night and day by Julie and Laurence, who began to teach Myriam the art of caregiving as well so that she too may be able to attend to the team. A week later, a group meeting was held. FT now consisted of Antoine, Bianca, Clyde, Sam, Mickey D, Eric, Sop, Wilfred, Myriam and Evgueni. They mourned their recent losses of Tommy, Juliano, Justin and Eliel (though they killed and ate Eliel themselves), but openly welcomed Hennick and Cody into their troupe. These two were too polite to decline the dubious offer. Kelvin had disappeared after the battle and the fate of Spaceship Vince was unknown. Antoine burst to his feet and started using his own brand of leadership to rally the troops. Awwww, those Party Hardy Boys are going dowwwn! Dey don t stand a chance again how awesome FT is! We s gonna take em down to brown town and shown em dat you don t take our Dio Stone, ain t dat right? For once though, no one actually believed Antoine (except Clyde who got really excited and started fighting an invisible opponent and got beat up doing so). It was then that Sop chimed in gave his own speech. If we re gonna beat the Party Hardy Boys and get the rest of the Dio Stones, we need THEM back! As soon as Sop said THEM , everyone got excited and began cheering. So here s what we re gonna

do, Sop continued. I m gonna take Eric, Sam, Myriam and Bianca along with Cody and Hennick and we re gonna keep looking for the Dio Stones. Antoine, you re gonna take Clyde, Wilfred, Evgueni and Micky D and look for Bruce Luis and Hai-Fung. We need their strength! Actually, Myriam squeaked adorably, I m going to stay here a while with Julie and Laurence. They promised to teach me how to perform proper first aid for when you guys get beat up again. I m sorry That s ok, Bianca said, smiling and putting a hand on Myriam s shoulder. We need a woman to totally take care of us and stuff once we re done having fun. FT packed up their bags with food and medical supplies that Julie and Laurence gave them and they made their way back to where they left Vince, tearfully waving goodbye to Myriam while they walked away. After an hour, they reached the ship only to realize that they would need a second ship if they were to split up. Ho ho ho, I have just the thing for you! It was Kelvin, who appeared out of nowhere and was eating a delicious Joe Louis on a flat, sunsoaked rock. He pulled from his robes what appeared to be a tiny egg. Kelvin tossed it at the ground and in an instant it bloomed into a giant ship. This is my Tenga Eggsplorer. Welcome aboard young saplings! Ho ho ho ho! And so Antoine, Clyde, Wilfred, Mickey D and Evgueni boarded Vince and made way to the stars, searching for their lost companions. Sop and his crew joined Kelvin in his Tenga Eggsplorer and made way for the Planetary Republic of Hellas order to seek out the next Dio Stone, held by the mighty Niko the Greeko. That night on Planet USA, Julie and Laurence got mad drunk and their dark sides were released. In her intense rowdiness, Laurence powerbombed poor Myriam into a vat of acid while Julie somehow ran into the sky and ate the moon.

Chapter 9: Ordering Dinner on Hellas

The Tenga Eggsplorer was slippery and a lot smaller and tighter than Vince, so when it hit the tzatziki clouds that surrounded the Planetary Republic of Hellas, it quickly spun out of control, hurtling the Dio Stone-seeking half of FT towards the planet s surface. Fortunately, their fall was cushioned by a field of moussaka. Hungry and tired from their journey, Sop, Sam, Eric, Bianca, General Cody and Hurricane Hennick wandered the bleak, foul-stinking landscape for some form of civilization. All around them is nothing but economic disorder and cultural impotency and the only creatures in sight were large, tanned, hairy beasts that shambled about wearing gold chains with crosses on them. Truly, they had stumbled upon Hell itself. After hours of wandering, they happened to fall upon one reasonable looking establishment entitled Nektario s Gyro-scope. Its cream colored exterior replete with tacky faux columns was an eyesore, but at this point the famished travelers could no longer be too discerning and so they decided to try the place out. Warily, the FT team stepped inside the building and they were surprised to see not a single customer. In fact, all of the chairs were flipped upside-down on the tables and the place appeared to be closed in spite of it only being one in the afternoon. The owner, seeing the group walk in, laughed heartily and motioned everyone to come in. Hey, you re all late! You ll miss the Magnificent Niko s show if you dilly dally too long. Come, come, I ll get you something to eat right away. That name immediately grabbed their ears and Hennick immediately spoke up. You know where Niko the Greeko is? Know where he is? Nektario laughed. But of course! He s only the most famous grappler in all of Hellas! When you re done eating, I ll bring you to the arena so that witness his grandeur. Do not worry about payment, for this is a wondrous day and I have much food leftover. Come, eat and be merry! Having put up with a great many hardships throughout the previous weeks of their journey, Fuchsia Tech was massively pleased by the generosity of their host. Finally, they had found a place in which they were not viciously assaulted upon arriving and a wave of relief blew over everyone. So take a seat and I shall bring out the meal shortly

Sop attempted to flip a chair over so that he may sit down, but could not budge it an inch. Everyone else tried as well and noticed similar results. Cody took a closer inspection and noticed that the chairs were bolted to the table. Hey chef, we can t flip these stupid things over! How are we supposed to sit down? Flip them over? asked a puzzled Nektario. What are you talking about? That s what Hellenic chairs are supposed to be like. Now you four can fit on that chair and you two will share that one. Just relax and you ll see there s nothing more comfortable in the universe! As the realization dawned upon them, Sop, Eric, Hennick and Cody recoiled in disgust. Let s get out of here! they shouted in unison. However, Sam and Bianca had already sat down as instructed and started eating. The food was delicious, though it came at the expense of poking a hole in a pair of perfectly good pants. Suddenly, two musclebound figures burst through the door with a well-dressed businessman standing behind them, smoking a cigar and blowing the foul smoke about the restaurant. Bianca and Sam began to cough so hard that they fell of their chair, taking the chair legs with them. A-ah, Mr. GiGi! What an honor to see you today, sir! stammered Nektario. Yes yes, enough of your sucking up. GiGi stamped out his cigar on the ground and grabbed the restaurateur by the collar. Do you have the money you owe me or do Alex and Omer here have to rough you up? GiGi was the richest and most prominent businessman in all of Sparta. He shrewdly backed up Niko the Greeko in his early days as a grappler, and was able to make a mint by selling the endorsement rights to his marquee fighter. He used these resources to build a combat sport empire, with Niko as its most marketable name. He was also able to buy the rights to all of the best fighters on Hellas, creating a virtual monopoly that made all those around him tremble in fear. The Karacan twins were two such examples. Alex had been a 15-time champion of the Hellenic Fighting League, relinquishing his title every time he won it just so that he could win it again by crippling some poor schlub. Omer had reigned as the Ultimate Helleinc Championship champ for over 5 years, never once being defeated in that span of time in spite of grappling every week. Both were brought over into GiGi s camp with great ease and they served as his personal bodyguards to boot.

Well

Nektario nervously wiped his brow and looked at the towering titans who cracked their

knuckles before him. Uh, actually I just bought some intergalactic slaves so I don t have the money for you at this instant. But if you d like, you can have them and use them as fodder for your tournaments. These six people here all belong to me and you can feel free to kill them for the amusement of your audience. GiGi stroked his chin and smiled. That s an interesting prospect. Ok, so long as they don t die too easily they should be worth at least what you owe me. Consider it a deal! Cody was infuriated by this talk, and chopped a table in half with his bare hand. You think you can sell us for your sick games? Come on fuckfaces, I ll destroy the lot of you! GiGi laughed and clapped his hands at Cody s outburst. What spunk! Omer, put the little one in his place please. Omer cracked his knuckles and lunged forward. Cody was surprised by how strong the Hellenic warrior was, but saw that he was clumsy and threw him to the ground with a deft move. With a swift kick, Cody embedded his foot into Omer s skull, wearing his head like a shoe. With another movement of his foot, Cody punted Omer s brain out of its case and it landed into Alex s hands. Brother, noooooooooo! I ll kill you! Cody braced himself, but he was weak from the lack of meat and was shoulder tackled through a wall. He got up, but his vision began to blur and saw that he was in dire straits if this continued. Here! Nektario shouted. He tossed a gyro to Cody. If you kill him, then maybe I can get out of my debt. Cody did not like the shady entrepreneur, but was too hungry to argue. He gulped down the garlicky delight in a single bite, but then began to feel his muscles shrink and contract. T The fuck?! Ha ha ha, you have fallen for my ploy! That was a soy-based gyro substitute! Without meat in his system, Cody collapsed and began to fade into unconsciousness. Alex sneered at his weakened opponent and stepped forward to crush his skull, but Eric intervened by blocking Alex s foot with a paper plate. Sadly, the paper plate proved to provide little in the way of resistance and his

face went dented inwards. Alex reached down Eric s throat and pulled out his skeleton, dangling it towards Fuchsia Tech. If you resist, I ll do this to you too! Nektario squealed and laughed at all this, dancing around the fallen Cody and Eric while Sam, Sop and Bianca cowered in fear. Hennick stood tall however, and prepared himself to face Alex. It was then that a large veiny hand reached out from the shadows and tore off all of Alex s skin. As he ran around screaming in pain, he fell into the saltwater bath that Nektario had prepared for himself. Writhing around in agony, he screamed so hard his eyes popped out of his skull and rats began to play with them like beach balls. Nektario attempted to flee, but Eric used the last of his strength to shove his floppy, skeletonless body down his throat and choke him to death. GiGi, horrified by all of this, turned to the shadows to see who had been able to disable Alex so easily and wet himself in fear upon seeing who the perpetrator was. For in the shadows as FT s savior was the mighty force known as Niko the Greeko! Hey, Niko shouted in an unnecessarily loud voice, you wanna fight meeeeeeeee?!

Chapter 10: Niko the Greeko

There he stood in the corner of the room, a shirtless Adonis thumbing his suspenders as he eyed everyone in the room. Even Gigi, who moments earlier appeared unshakably arrogant, stood in awe at this fine specimen of humanity. He glanced at Bianca, Sop and Sam with his squinted eyes, spending a few seconds on each one before diverting his attention to Gigi. He sauntered over and shook his benefactor s hand with a smile. So you got me some new opponents that I may test my might with? Y-yes, champ! Gigi replied nervously. How would you like to scrap with them next week? FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!! With one hand Niko tore out Gigi s entire rib cage and slammed it on his head like a hat! You think these limp-dicked rapscallions could make a scratch on my flawless physique? How many times do I have to tell you that I want to fight a real maaaaaaaaaan?! Gigi gasped in fear, and without a ribcage his own muscles crushed his lungs and heart while he breathed in deeply. He crumpled into a pile on the floor, adding to the pile of corpses strewn around the restaurant. Disappointed, Niko lit up ten cigars simultaneously. He inhaled deeply, held the smoke in for what seemed like a full minute, then exhaled just as deeply filling the entire room with the pungent smell of his rugged tobacco. With the smoke stinging their eyes, Sop, Sam and Bianca could just barely see Niko beginning to leave. Shimmering out of the darkness, however, was the fragment of the Dio stone that dangled about his neck. Upon seeing this, hotheaded Sam burst into action. YEAAAAAAAAAAH BOYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Spinning in circles like a top, Sam hurtled himself at Niko about as effeminately as humanly possible. Without even looking, Niko flung one of his cigars at Sam, striking him in the forehead so hard that it dented it inwards and left a large burn. When the wound stopped glowing red from the heat, it was revealed that the cigar had left a brand on his forehead that read Huge Pussy . Bianca, seeing that Sam had failed, stepped up to the plate. Hey Niko the Greeko, I m all man! How about some of DEEZ NUTS?! Bianca exposed her gargantuan sack and Niko was actually impressed by the sight. He turned to her and acknowledged her presence, extending his arms outward as if he wanted to grapple. Bianca accepted that challenge and

locked hands with Niko. It was soon clear though that her meager strength was not equal to the size of her balls and she was bent backwards to the ground in a flash, the bones in her fingers shattered from just touching the golden hands of Niko the Greeko. Sop, realizing he couldn t take on Niko in a fair fight, curled himself up into a cannonball and rolled at him at blazing speeds. His intense training rolling around the walls of the Tenga Eggsplorer left him with great power, even without Mickey D to launch him. Against lesser foes, he would have crushed them into dust with his mighty ability. Even past opponents like Doctor X and the Yankee Doodle probably would have had a hard time fending off his attack. But all Niko needed was his pinky to stop Sop dead in his tracks. With a soccer punt, he sent the poor man flying across the horizon. The only one left standing was Hurricane Hennick. It s up to me now, said Hennick while cracking his knuckles. Let s see if you can master a hurricane. But Niko just yawned and kept walking away. It should be noted that on this particular day Hennick was wearing his best Sunday dress and had made up his face to look as pretty as possible. While all the boys thought he looked just fabulous, this did not endear himself to Niko the Greeko as a worthy foe. Hennick was about to pursue when he heard a weak voice at his feet. M-meat It was Cody, who had withered away to near nothingness. Without any meat in his system, the ultra-proteins that composed his body atrophied and he began to fade from existence. His end was near, but he still had the strength to make his plea to Hennick. Hennick rushed into the kitchen and scoured all over, but all of the meat had been previously consumed by all the citizens of Hellas who were readying for Niko s match and then a trip to the bathhouses. All seemed to be without hope when an adorable lamb walked into the kitchen. It had big blue eyes and a ribbon about its neck, with the name snowball printed on it. Its wool was the purest of whites and as soft as a down pillow. The lamb was brought in by a 5-year old girl, Mary Moukaloukaopoulos, who smiled and gave Hennick a single daisy she had picked. Don t worry. Your friend is going to be ok. My daddy is a doctor and he ll make him feel all better. They say when all hope is lost, everyone has a guardian angel who

FUCK YEAH!!! Hennick dropkicked little Mary in the goddamn mouth! He picked up the adorable lamb and stabbed in the face with a skewer and cooked in over a fire he made by spilling hot oil on the floor and lighting it ablaze! Mary writhed in agony as the whole room burned around her, her eyes melting out of her skull, preventing her from seeing Hennick shove her entire lamb down Cody s mouth. I M BACK, BITCHES!!! Cody s muscles exploded outwards, becoming as full and defined as they had ever been! The shockwave created by his flexing put out the fire before it could reach the unconscious Sam or Bianca. Mary, on the other hand, crumbled into ash. Niko was shocked by Cody s intense physique, and actually rushed to tackle him! Cody held his ground and grabbed Niko s hands as he tackled! They both grappled and locked into place, their feet digging deep into the marble floor. The veins of their arms began to throb rhythmically, hypnotizing Hennick in sheer awe. They continued to grapple for hours on end, neither one ceding a single inch until UNNNNGAAAAAAAAAAAH! With one final burst of strength, Cody pushed forward and Niko tipped over, falling on his ass. He had been defeated in a feat of strength! Im-impressive Niko stammered in sheer disbelief. Brave grappler, what is your name?

I M MOTHERFUCKING CODY! And with that, all of Cody s muscles exploded simultaneously from the strain of grappling with Niko for hours. All that was left of the brave general was a pile of human meat that lay upon the ground. Niko nodded and shed a single manly tear. This is my ode to you, Brave Cody! And with a single tug from his tired left arm, he tore off his entire right arm at the shoulder and presented it to Hennick. Take this as a trophy about how the allmighty Cody was able to defeat Niko the Greeko on this day. Take also this fragment of the Dio Stone, which has granted me the ability to have such an intense workout regimen. I must go back to the gym and do 50,000 one-armed push-ups. Farewell!

And with that, Niko the Greeko left. Sam and Bianca recovered consciousness shortly thereafter and, after taking a moment to mourn the loss of Cody and Eric, set out to find Sop. In a rare stroke of luck, he crash landed near the Tenga Eggsplorer and with Kelvin s help (yeah, he s still around) was able to free it from the field of moussaka. They were also able to sell the pile of Cody meat to a local butcher by the name of Geoff. This meat is of the manliest quality, Geoff stated with a smile. It is rare that I see a treat such as this! In exchange for this rugged pile of protein, I give you this case of delicious edibles my wife made me. It contains Hellenic nutrients that will make you mighty and keep you energized for weeks. Sop, Sam, Bianca and Hennick thanked Geoff for the food and boarded the Tenga Eggsplorer for their next destination. God are? Elsewhere in space, Spaceship Vince came about a floating ship in outer space. Outside, a large neon sign flashed Tight ass hos for cheap! Who wants space whores? Antoine cheerfully asked his boys. Clyde, Mickey D, Evgueni and Wilfred hooted and hollered, so they docked and went in for many blowjobs. Sop moaned. Do you think Antoine and the guys are having as miserable a time as we

Chapter 11: Sleeping Beauty

Whores with large racks. That s the dream of every man, woman and child on this fine planet. On that eventful day, the dream would soon be coming true for Antoine, Clyde, Evgueni, Wilfred and Mickey D. A shiny space brothel appeared in front of them and, appropriately enough, Vince docked by inserting his giant robo space cock into the building. Everyone burst through the robo urethra and eagerly waited to be greeted by the women of the evening. Howdy boys, the mistress of the whorehouse said seductively. I m Madame Zokm. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Now listen up toots, a ridiculously turned on Antoine shouted nervously, intimidated by Madame Zokm s slender and beautiful body. We want your finest hos! Make em snappy!

Madame Zokm smiled and kissed Antoine gently on the cheek. Well aren t you a saucy lad? Maybe I should take care of you myself. As for the rest of you, I ll let my finest ladies greet you. The first one came out and took Clyde by the arm. Her name was Dominic Double D Demers. As the name implied, she had the most unbelievable bosoms in the universe and Clyde spent the next five hours motorboating them. Next, a gorgeous redhead named Frank Bordeleau came from behind the curtain and took Evgueni away for an intense love-making session. The third was Ben Azoulay, an exotic beauty who showed Wilfred the meaning of the word passion. Finally, Miss MAG emerged and violated Mickey D in ways that make it impossible for either one to sit down properly for weeks. Now it s you and me, baby! yelled Antoine as he lifted Madame Zokm into his arms. It s fucking time! Four minutes lady, Antoine washed up and joined his comrades in the lobby. They were very satisfied and thanked the ladies profusely for their company. They explained their situation and their quest to find their missing comrades and, being paid by the hour, the women listened attentively. It was then that it suddenly struck Double D. Why my word, this Hai-Fung fellow! He sounds like my Sleeping Beauty! Everyone s ears immediately perked up and they turn to hear what Double D had to say.

About a month ago, a strapping young man came into the bordello for a night of passion. We made love for 24 hours straight and I needed a bucket of salve before I could even feel my lady parts again. However, he went to sleep immediately afterwards and never woke up. Even now, he sleeps in the basement, waiting to be awoken. Double D led Fuschia Tech downstairs into the wine cellar and sure enough sleeping upon a bed of daisies was the Dark Hummer himself, Hai-Fung! Hai-Fung was the second most powerful member FT ever had, with only the mighty Bruce Luis exceeding his epic strength. This great power came at the expense of any form of stamina however, and Hai-Fung was prone to bouts of narcolepsy at the most inappropriate time. It was for this reason that he was ever able to participate in any gang fights or add any respectability to the otherwise pathetic FT. That said, an endless slumber was something completely unheard of and this made everyone fret. If they were to defeat the Party Hardy Boys and recover the Dio Stone, his might would be needed. How do we wake him? asked Wilfred, tears of joy streaming down his face. Only a kiss from his Prince Charming will wake him, said Frank. Yes, MAG agreed. It is foretold that only that person could ever snap him from his interminable slumber. Everyone talked amongst themselves to figure out who Hai-Fung s Prince Charming could be. Antoine was a loud-mouth jerk, so nothing about that was charming. Clyde was too aggressive and youthful to fit the bill either. Wilfred was suave and debonair, but he had retired from FT officially and could not possibly have enough charm as a result. Evgueni didn t have any damn arms and that sure isn t charming either! That left Mickey D. It was obvious that in order to wake Hai-Fung, he d have to kiss him. And so after gathering up all his courage and pride, Mickey D learned over and kissed Hai-Fung, deep and hard. It was so passionate that Mickey D got a boner, though he was too ashamed to have possibly admitted it. There was a moment of silence before Hai-Fung s eyes finally opened and everyone rejoiced. Ungh Hai-Fung groaned as he awakened from his month-long sleep. You guys are fucking gay.

With Fung back in their party. Fuchsia Tech waved goodbye to the beautiful ladies of Madame Zokm s bordello and boarded Vince once more. Double D, seeing the tears in Madame Zokm s eyes, walked up to her. You love him don t you? she said, pointing to Antoine. Oh how I wish to be by his side! Madame Zokm lamented. But I cannot possibly leave you all to be space raped by space pirates! Don t say that! We ll be fine! You ve taught us how to be the finest whores in the universe and no way we re going to be space raped without charging double! Oh Double D! Madame Zokm and Double D lezzed out a little bit and then Zokm ran up Vince s robo cock and onto the ship where he was greeted with open arms and a mop by Antoine. How about you clean up this place a little? Sure thing baby, Zokm answered with a tear and a smile. Sure thing! Ugh, fuck you guys Hai-Fung mumbled before taking a nap.

Chapter 12: Heavy Metal in the Fax

The Tenga Eggsplorer landed in the first planet of The Fax galaxy two days after leaving the Planetary Republic of Hellas. This place was the homeworld of the Halifax Twins, Steve and Katrina, who left their homeland to become space pirates. Both were famous throughout the universe and even became celebrities in their own right, schmoozing with all of the biggest stars. Since they travelled all over in their space pirate ship, tracking them down would prove most difficult, so Bianca, Sop, Sam, Kelvin and Hennick agreed to start off by looking for information on The Fax. Upon arriving, they went to the first seedy den that they could find, which so happened to be a heavy metal bar. Behind the bar was a swarthy looking fellow with tattoos all up his arms, one of which was wiping the counter and other had a dude in a headlock, Howdy travelers, the bartender snorted. Name s Tim Eaglesham and I own this establishment. Tim Eaglesham? That s a pretty badass name! Sam exclaimed. Damn skippy! Now what can I do ya for? Well, we re looking for this magic thingy called the Dio Stone. Ever heard of it? Tim stroked his chin and thought about it a minute. Magic, huh? Well, one of the bands was complaining about some evil shit going on in their dressing room, but I just assumed they were trippin balls. How s about we go take a look? Tim led Fuchsia Tech into the back of his greasy, grime-soaked dive, all the while avoiding drunkards and maniacs beating each other with stools and shoving pool cues into each other s eyes. In the dressing room, there was a grisly sight as the entire band had been eviscerated. The only one left alive was the keyboardist, who was nervously pumping out outrageous solos on his instrument in spite of the carnage that surrounded him. He wore thick glasses and appeared to be a prototypical nerd except for the fact that he had a crop of gigantic feathered hair atop his head. James Newhouse, what the fuck man? Tim shouted out of anger rather than any concern for what made the rest of the band decorate the walls of the room. I give you guys a gig here and this is how you treat me? DISRESPECT!

It-it s not my fault! James stammered. There was this arm that came out of the wall and one by one tore everyone apart! It was going to get me too when my hair began to speak to me! It told me how to play the most electrifying solos in the universe and when I started playing them, the monster went away. But Tim just responded by spitting right in James face. That is the biggest pile of donkey ass horse shit I have ever heard in my life! Your boys just got high on PCP and probably started juggling chainsaws together. You d better clean this place up or else! N-no! If I stop playing, it ll come back! I m sure of it! Fuck your face so hard! With a massive karate chop, Tim completely devastated James keyboard, leaving only white and black plastic keys strewn about the floor. No sooner did he do so that a fiery gate opened up in the wall, instantly sending everyone into a panic. A demonic hand emerged from the flaming portal and grasped Tim, squishing him like a fat man sitting on a water balloon. It then chased James and the Fuchsia Techers around the room, looking for another victim to annihilate. James scanned the room for another keyboard, but unfortunately he had brought only one with him. It was then that he heard the voice again. Guitar .grab the guitar In the corner of the room was a Gibson Flying W, the more metal version of the classic Flying V. James had no idea how to play guitar however, and his feeble attempts at playing only drew the ire of the foul demon, whose face now emerged from the portal and spat a fireball at James. As he burned to death, his hair wrapped around him and formed a cocoon. A bolt of lightning tore through the sky and somehow found its way into the dressing room where it struck James. A cloud of smoke was raised and by the time it had settled, the man who was once James was dead and another man emerged in his place. Holy fuck! Bianca shouted. It s Justin! He s alive Naw, I ain t Justin. I m Justyn Vynn of Snakeskyn Whiskey MUTHAFUCKA!!!

And with that, he played a facemelting guitar solo that made the demon weep so profusely that its tears extinguished the fires of Hell where it lived, and the monster evaporated into nothingness. Justyn celebrated his victory with a shot of JD and three smokes while FT welcomed back its fallen member. As their cheers and shouts of joys subsided however, a slow clapping was heard in the background. Well done, said a voice coming from the doorway. My name is Jackson and I m known as the agent of the stars. I ve heard of you, said Justyn. All the greatest bands in the Fax Galaxy use you That s right buddy. My bands play only at the biggest venues, put out the hottest albums and rub elbows with the top celebrities in the universe. Heck, roll with me kid and you could even end up partying with the Halifax Twins! So what do you say to joining up with me?

Chapter 13: Endtroducing The AM/PMs

Justyn was hesitant to join up with a sleazy record producer, but Sop talked him into it since it would give Fuchsia Tech a way to eventually find and meet the Halifax Twins. Whipping out the paperwork, Jackson shoved it in Justyn s face, which gave him no choice but to reluctantly sign it. No sooner did the ink dry that a long white limo crashed through the wall. Everyone quickly dove inside and the limo zoomed away just as the entire bar collapsed around them. They were all driven to a skyscraper that towered high above every building in the area. In the lobby was a fountain shaped like a nude Jackson, holding two women in his arms with water streaming from both of their vags to signify their sexual ecstasy from being held by him. They were greeted by a lovely woman in a business suit who was impatiently tapping her toe by the elevators. Everyone, said Jackson with a cheesy smile on his face, this is my business partner Carolyn. She is in charge of image building and will help make you look like a star. Look at this god damn hair! Justyn screamed metallically. I don t need no help with my image! Jackson was about to object, but Carolyn waved her hand and interjected. That gorgeous hair is definitely going to play to the ladies, but we need to put a band around you that can complement your strengths. How about we make him the new lead guitarist for the AM/PMs? Jackson nodded in agreement and showed Justyn and the rest of FT to the elevators where they were brought to the 500th floor of the Tower of Power. Sitting in the room and calmly tuning their instruments was a collection of four rather unusual looking musicians. There was Chuck the bassist, who was dressed like 50 s Bob Dylan and was churning away at a steady bassline. Next to him was Randy, who was playing an acoustic guitar adorned with flowers and seemed as if he was in a trance. On drums was Kevin Connors, dressed in army fatigues with an American flag bandana around his head and wailing away as fast as he possible. After that was Johnny Wu on piano, a beret upon his head and jamming away on an extended jazz piano solo. Finally, there was Mehdi the tambourine player. His sideburns were swaying with each rhythmic slam that he unloaded with an unequalled passion. Justyn was nervous upon seeing these people, but Jackson and Carolyn reassured him that all would be fine. The next night was their first show and Justyn got up on the stage and grabbed the mike. He stared out at the crowd and saw mostly hipsters and other douchebags who were spending more time

on their cellphones than paying attention to the band, ironically drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon all the while. Fortunately, he saw his FT friends in the front row and gained the confidence to continue. Justyn began the set by shouting We re The AM/PMs are we re gonna rock your fucking faces! He then proceeded to play a blazing metal solo while Chuck churned out a solid, but low energy bassline, Randy strummed the same two chords over and over, Kevin played drums like he was in a thrash punk band and Johnny played an off-tempo jazz piano. Over the whole affair was Mehdi pounding away as his tambourine while making O-faces at the crowd. The whole thing sounded like a monstrosity and the Fuschia Techers cringed upon hearing the clusterfuck sound that was being put out. The crowd, however, thought it all very hip and avant-garde and ate the whole thing up. The fact they were drunk and stoned out of their gourd didn t hurt either. I can t take it! Justyn screamed, throwing his Flying W down on the stage. It all sounds like shit! This isn t about banging babes and drinking all night! I m out! Jackson and Carolyn looked at each other for a moment, and then laughed out loud. You think you have a choice? Jackson chortled. You signed a contract. Durr! You don t get to leave until I say you do. How about if I fuck you up, then? Justyn rushed Jackson, but was knocked back by a straight kick to the chest by Randy. Don t worry boss, I ll teach him a lesson. Seeing that trouble was brewing, Fuschia Tech rushed the stage but they were immediately met by the other members of the AM/PMs and the two groups clashed. Justyn busted out a crotchsmashing solo at the speed of light, but Randy deflected the attack with his charming 60 s pop rock chords. Flustered, Justyn took his guitar like a trident and used it to impale Randy through the chest. Next was Hennick facing off against Chuck. Spinning rapidly, Hurricane Hennick launched himself towards his opponent with the intention of smashing him to bits. However, Chuck pulled the thick strings off of his bass and used them like whips to lash at Hennick s feet, tripping him up and sending him crashing into the adjacent wall.

Chuck folded his arms and laughed, saying Don t fuck with the Chuck! to his fallen foe. Hennick, undeterred, launched himself at Chuck again. And once more, Chuck whipped Hennick s feet and sent him careening off the stage and into the crowd where several people were torn apart by the hurricane like frogs in a blender. But Hennick wasn t done yet and he went for a third go. Don t you ever learn? Chuck whipped at Hennick s feet, but this time Hennick dislocated his ankles and rotated his feet like hurricanes instead! The bass strings bounced off and flung back at Chuck, slicing him into bite-sized pieces. Next up was Sop taking on Kevin, the latter of whom immediately rushed FT s cannonball man and beat him repeatedly with his drumsticks. Sop tucked himself into his armor and rolled around, but the beating of the sticks against his steel shell echoed so loudly that he was on the verge of passing out. As a result, he had to pull himself out of his cannonball form and face Kevin mano e mano. A few clumsy punches were fruitless and Sop hit only air and got his face pounded accordingly. In order to have any chance, he d have to be wily about this one. Uh, your cock is hanging out of your pants or something. Startled, Kevin quickly looked at his pants and sure enough his cock WAS hanging out! This was purely by coincidence though as Sop was merely making it up. In spite of his hardcore persona, Kevin was actually quite prudish and died of shame then and there, making Sop the victor. Meanwhile, Johnny Wu and Kelvin were engaged in an intense Zen staredown, neither one moving an inch due to intense meditation. Unbeknownst to those present was that they were actually undergoing an intense MIND BATTLE where Kelvin was a giant ninja that breathed fire and Johnny was a tiger that bled coins from its eyes and shouted lightning! But a fire ninja conquers all, so Kelvin annihilated Johnny s mind and trapped his soul in the SHADOW REALM forever! The last battle was up to Bianca and Sam. Unfortunately, Bianca had tripped over her own balls again and Sam was being beat into submission by Mehdi s tambourine. It was clear that these two still sucked hard at fighting and were fairly useless, since Mehdi was not a crazy ass fighter like his bandmates and pretty much was just some dude with a 5 dollar instrument.

Sam, not wanting to be the only one to lose, clenched his teeth and fists while muttering Must man up .for Pittaro! He threw a sissy punch which hit Mehdi right in the face and chipped one of his teeth, causing him to cry and leave in disgrace. It was done! Fuchsia Tech was victorious once again, though the show had been ruined in the process. Jackson and Carolyn, seeing that things were turning sour for them ran out of the building, though not before cursing FT and swearing revenge. It seemed as if Fuchsia Tech would be best served leaving before the crowd would take out the destruction of the AM/PMs on them, but much to their surprise the crowd instead erupted in cheers! They thought that the whole battle was some sort of performance art and, in their drug-induced stupor, thought it was the most brilliant show they had ever seen! FT was on its way to stardom, baby!

Chapter 14: Hey Hey We re FT!

Fuchsia Tech took their show on the road, gathering great fame and riches along the way. Their act is it were consisted of Justyn playing guitar solos, Sam threatening the crowd with obscenities, Bianca flashing her immense balls, Sop rolling into his ball form while Kelvin balanced atop him and performed kung fu stances and Hennick danced like the black guy from Catwalk. The show was a smashing success wherever they went, and soon they began to tour with other hit troupes. The Marvelous Menkhours, Youssef and Fawzi, were gypsy acrobats who were so adept at their art that they could perform handstands on a wire with only one pinkie. Their skyward charades required far more skill and effort than FT s imbecilic display, but both groups earned each other s respect and became friends in spite of it. Also touring with them was the Graveyard Fun Experience, a goth hippie band that sung upbeat tunes about hanging with zombies and demons while learning to love one another. Phil Migner played guitar, his instrument being constructed from skulls that were tie-dyed in every bright color of the rainbow. Then there was Eric Perri who played bass and had long black hair that covered his face. Fortunately, his wacky kaleidoscope goggles peered through the hair and made seeing possible, albeit with a bug s eye view. On drums was Serge who, in place of drumsticks, beat on his candy colored drums with the actual femurs of Peter Murphy of Bauhaus. Joe Champagne played the tambourine and merrily skipped about the stage whilst chanting Life sucks . Finally there was Jillian whose uplifting and depressing lyrics always had the crowd moved. One day, FT was invited to a Battle of the Bands and the Marvelous Menkhours and the Graveyard Fun Experience came along as well. They all arrived at the venue to find that the crowd was a little more hardcore than they were used to. There were men with nails in their skulls, people tied to the front bumper of trucks and Baby Beach Volleyball contests, where babies were used in lieu of volleyballs. It was all a tad unsettling, but being the consummate professionals that they were FT got up and prepared to perform. BATTLE! BATTLE! BATTLE! the crowd chanted. It was at this point that a second stage emerged and on it was another band. Standing beside the band, though, were two familiar faces: Jackson and Carolyn. Jackson grabbed the microphone and addressed the crowd.

Welcome to the 5th annual Battle to the Death of the Bands! Here are the rules: the first band to be horribly murdered is the loser! In that corner, we have those limp-wristed, needle-dick pansies, FUCHSIA TECH! The crowd rained boos on FT while they tried to comprehend what was going on. Sop, ever the swift one, surmised that they had in fact been set up by their former managers as an act of revenge. Yes. And in our most incredibly badass corner, we have the most savage band of them: VISCERAPE! Viscerape was quite the sight to behold. Their singer/DJ was a mountain of rage and muscle named Rob Intense Sapkowski. His turntables were actually live chainsaws and he did not seem the least bit fazed when he d spin and chop off his fingers in the process. Their bassist was equally intimidating. Matt Beauduy was an eight-foot tall black man with his hair dyed a bright blonde in contrast. He foamed at the mouth rapidly while pounding out basslines so chunky that the ground split under the assembled crowd and they tumbled into the abyss below, chanting Viscerape rules! all the while. Lead guitar was performed Adrian, who actually lit his head on fire while performing guitar solos in order to emphasize his intensity. As a result, his face was nothing but a collection of scar tissue, but this endeared himself to his fans even more and so there was a naked groupie clinging to each one of his legs. On drums was Kevin The Magic Man King, whose drums were actually wild rhinos that he beat on with sledgehammers. When the rhinos complained, all he had to do was stare and the beasts were immediately put in their place. Well, we re fucked, Hennick sighed upon seeing these demons that were ready to tear them limb from limb. But before they could throw in the towel and accept to be brutally torn to shreds, Eric stepped in front of FT s stage and pointed his finger towards Viscerape. Hold on! The Graveyard Fun Experience is the opening band here! We re taking you on first! Phil, Serge, Joe and Jillian stepped forward as well and they all nodded in unison. Fuchsia Tech wanted to object, but Youssef and Fawzi used their tightropes to tie up and restrain FT. We ve had good times with you guys, said Youssef as tears filled up his eyes. Let us take care of this for you.

The Graveyard Fun Experience set up their instruments and began playing their number one hit Peppermint Ghoul Parade , but the crowd was wholly unimpressed and began to boo them viciously. Viscerape countered with their chart-topper Anal Death Explosion and the masses went wild. The song was so intense and hardcore that Joe s head spontaneously combusted. Undaunted, the Graveyard Fun Experience kept playing and unloaded their next hit: Love Your Neighbor, Even if he s a Capitalist Zombie . Once again, it fell flat with the crowd and they pelted them with garbage, even going so far as to throw a garden rake which caught Eric in the face and tore it clean off. It was Viscerape s turn and they unloaded the toe-tapping Jizz Atom Bomb Holocaust , the intensity of which caused all of Serge s limbs to fall off and he bled to death. We re not through yet! Jillian shouted, and she serenaded everyone with You re Stomping on my Heart, but it s Groovy. The song was cut short however, as Rob fired two vinyls from his chainsaw turn table, slicing off Jillian s head and torso. Without a singer, Phil and Eric were forced to try out an ad hoc instrumental jam, which lasted no less than ten minutes before Phil passed out from exhaustion. Seizing his opportunity, Kevin leapt onto the stage and bit off Phil s head before tearing off his shirt and carving his name into his chest using a sharpened fragment of Phil s neck bone. He then returned to his own stage where Viscerape finished off with their most powerful number: A Serbian Film . Eric only stood in place and smiled. Good job Then he melted into a pile of goo. Seeing their victory was obvious, Rob, Matt, Kevin

and Adrian exchanged high fives and got warmed up for facing FT next. That is until a horde of hippie zombies raised up from the ground! The entire Graveyard Fun Experience set was a ritual to summon the zombies! Amongst them, Jillian, Phil, Eric, Joe and Serge rose once more and the horde devoured everyone in Viscerape before retreating to the soil below. The judge saw the carnage and made his decision. Since Viscerape has no other band to field, the winners are Fuchsia Tech! The crowd became enraged by the decision and literally tore chunks out of the judge until all that was left was a skeleton. Jackson was surprisingly unfazed by his team s loss and took the microphone. I forgot to mention that Viscerape was just OUR opening band too. Here s our real band, the Hardcore Power System!

No sooner did Jackson mention this that a giant robotic hand emerged from under the stage and grasped all of the Fuchsia Tech members, dragging them underneath. The Marvelous Menkhours were left and the tried to pursue, but Carolyn stepped in their way. Go ahead Jackson, I ll stop these pests, she said. Jackson sneered and dove down with the robot. Fawzi gnashed his teeth and pointed a finger at Carolyn. You think you can beat our high-flying act?! Let s go bro! Hell yeah! Youssef replied, and they both jump a hundred feet in the air before locking hands and started to cartwheel towards Carolyn. She merely scoffed and snapped her fingers, instantly turning into BEES! Carolyn in bee form proved too mighty and stung the Menkhours repeatedly, unable to avoid any of them while in the air. Fawzi was fortunate enough to have been allergic, and died almost instantly. Youssef was not so fortunate and he began to swell up like a balloon before exploded into an orgy of blood and organs. With the Marvelous Menkhours destroyed, Carolyn reformed into a human and dove into the hole to rejoin Jackson. Fuchsia Tech was captured!

Chapter 15: The Secret Church of the Load

Luis Leao was an enigma of sorts. Though he was a bearer of untold of power and his charisma went beyond that of the greatest world leader or renowned celebrity, he was a very difficult man to track down. Often when FT would be getting annihilated by rival gangs hell bent on seeing their faces being pounded into hamburger meat, they would only be able to meekly ask Where in the world is Luis Fucking Leao? Once the fight was over and everyone was hospitalized, only then would Luis appear and offer forth his wisdom. It was for this reason that he became known as the God of Fuchsia Tech. And what better place to look for a god than at a church? The Church of the Load was started by a wise monk named C-Load. Men from across the universe would come seeking his guidance, but he would only offer it if they proved themselves worthy. He had a great many followers from far and wide, and his most loyal ones formed a cult that became the Gatekeepers of the Load. Antoine, Clyde, Evgueni, Mickey D and Wilfred, along with their newest members Mistress Zokm and Hai-Fung, sought out the Load in hopes that he would be able to divine the presence of Luis. Vince landed just outside of the headquarters of the Church of the Load where they were met by his first acolyte. The man appeared to be over 500 years old and had a beard that was so long and mighty that it covered his entire body in lieu of robes. The old codger weakly opened his eyes and cackled with his toothless mouth. I am Dominic Racine. I will be your first challenge. Be forewarned that if any harm comes upon me then you will never see our Load and savior. Awwwwh, we gonna fuck you up so hard! Antoine shouted in response while Clyde cracked his knuckles. Dominic immediately ignored these two and turned his attention to Evgueni and Mickey D. who were far more intimidating and serious. All the while, Wilfred stroked his own Asian mustache, in awe of Dom s fantastic powers of facial hairness. It should be noted that at this point Hai-Fung was still asleep on the ship and Zokm remained inside Vince as well, since it s well known that whores aren t allowed in church without their vaginas imploding like black holes. If you answer my riddle, you shall be allowed passage, said Dom in his dirty old man voice. Do you wish to take up the challenge?

Give us your best shot, Mickey D confidently replied. Very well! Answer me this then: He is the son of my grandfather. Who is he? Uhhh your father? Mickey D answered hesitantly. He felt as if he had just fallen into a trap by answering the riddle with so simple a response, but he instinctually blurted it out before he could restrain himself. T-that s right! Dom screamed incredulously. All of his facial hair fell off instantly and revealed that underneath it all he was actually two midgets with wrinkly skin from too much sunbathing! They were from Quebec, you see. The midgets ran away sobbing and the first door to the Church of the Load opened up. Ko ko ko ko! a grinning monk laughed. So you made it past Dom? What a clever bunch we have! This man was Dan, the smiling Buddha. He wore orange robes with Cheshire Cat-like smiles printed all over. In spite of his nickname and wardrobe, he was known as one of the sneakiest and cruelest of all of the Church of the Load s acolytes. Whenever a group of travelers could not answer one of his devious riddles, he would tear out every single one of their teeth grind them into a power which he would consume in order to grant himself greater power. Wilfred stepped forward and nodded, signifying that he was ready to accept the challenge. Dan rubbed his hands together in glee, his sinister eyes squinting all the while and covetously eyeing the shiny white teeth inside the faces of his guests. If a train is leaving a station in Tuscaloosa travelling 50 km/h while a train 50 kilometers away is leaving for Tuscaloosa at a rate of 0 km/h, how long before the trains meet each other? Wilfred paused for an instant, but once again found confidence in his intensely powerful Fu Manchu mustache. As everyone knows, these types of powerful Chinese facial hairstyles grant not only mighty martial arts but keen mathematical and puzzle solving abilities. So after only 45 minutes of contemplation, Wilfred came up with his response: Evgueni, what s the answer? One hour. Evgueni replied in a deadpan voice.

Dan was so taken aback by the correct response that his entire body turned to stone and exploded into butterflies! The door swung open and the final gate to the chamber of the Load appeared. Guarding it was a burly priest by the name of Oliver. He stood motionless, his eyes glowing red and wisps of smoke flowing from his nostrils. Without saying a word, he pointed up to a plaque on the ceiling that read What is true strength? Awwwwh, dat s easy! Antoine barked. Being in FT and kicking all sorts of ass is what being strong is about! Yeaaaah, youze gonna see our strength in action boyeeee! Clyde nodded in agreement, taking a boxing stance and dancing all around Priest Oliver and threatening to punch him. Antoine cheered Clyde on, shouting You see dat strength? Ain t that the toughest sunnuva bitch eva? WRONG! Oliver bellowed, smashing Antoine and Clyde s heads together. They collapsed into a pool of blood of the floor, while they sobbed and wet themselves, forming a pool of blood, piss and tears. Years later, a mighty tree would bloom in this spot, fertilized by their shameful excrements. In the meantime, the pool only signified how totally and utterly they had been humiliated by the priest. Mickey D was about to step forward and intervene, but Evgueni stepped in front in order to stop him. Do you have the answer? Mickey D asked. Evgueni nodded and just stared at Oliver, who reciprocated the staredown. They locked eyes for ten minutes, but it was like hours for the onlookers who felt suffocated by the intense pressure that both men gave off. Eventually, Oliver nodded and broke down the final gate with his face. That is right. Calmness and silence are true strength. You are wise, young man. That s when Clyde grabbed a golf club and nailed Oliver right in the balls! The giant priest crumpled to his knees in pain while Antoine let loose a steaming load right on the back of his head. Clyde then used the golf club to smash the shit into his skull and knock Oliver the bejeesus out! Dat s true strength, bee-otch! Antoine howled. The Load is pleased, rang a calming voice from beyond the gate. Sitting cross-legged on an alter was a gentle looking man, his long blonde hair flowing in the breeze as he meditated and smoke billowed all about him. Just gazing upon C-Load warmed the hearts of FT and they felt invigorated and calm in his presence. Everyone stepped forward and knelt down before the Load.

Sir C-Load, said Mickey D, we are in need of your assistance. We need you to help us find Luis Leao. But C-Load merely inhaled from one of his two giant hookahs that served as pillars in his temple, and exhaled deeply, filling the room with a shining gray-blue smoke. But Luis Leao is all around us! He is in the waters, in the air, in inside every man woman and child in the universe. Everyone looked at each other puzzled before Mickey D spoke up again. Uh maybe we weren t really clear. Luis Leao is a guy. We need to find a dude named Luis Leao. Is it really a man you search for, said C-Load mysteriously, or is it a type of inner strength that you seek to unlock? No seriously, an upset Mickey D began to growl. We ve seen the guy. He used to hang out with us and show up out of the blue every once in a while, but he s totally a dude. But C-Load merely laughed and clapped his hands. You have seen Luis Leao? Excellent! You must be the ones chosen by him! I started this church many years ago to obtain the wisdom of Luis Leao, and on one gentle morning, I glimpsed upon him for a moment. If you wish to see him as I did, you must first gaze within the Ass of Destiny! C-Load drew back a curtain and behind it was a gigantic bronze ass, shining brightly. One after another, the members of FT shoved their faces between the metallic cheeks and stared deep into the hole that contained their fate. Each one of them saw the exact same thing: An ancient temple atop a mountain. In their hearts, they knew would be there that Luis Leao could be found. Wilfred tried to high-five Evgueni, but since Evgueni didn t have any arms has just got a big palm to the face. In order to cover up his gaffe, Wilfred said YEAH! HARDCORE! extremely loudly. He then turned to C-Load and said How can we ever repay you our Load But the Load was gone! Confused, FT left the Church of the Load and returned to Vince. Awwwwright boyeez! Antoine blared aloud. Let s find Luis fucking Leao!

Chapter 16: Where in the World is Luis Fucking Leao?

Several days after leaving the Church of the Load, the FT crew arrived at the edge of the universe, where there was a freaky SPACE TEMPLE floating in the vast emptiness. It was to here that the Ass of Destiny guided Fuchsia Tech in hope of finding the elusive Luis Leao. Everyone disembarked Vince, HaiFung and Zokm included, and climbed the near endless stairs and entered the enormous structure. The inside stank of old people, the most depressing stench in the universe, and immediately dropped the spirits of FT. The combination of lilac perfume, cat feces, decaying skin and moth balls would have been enough to drive off almost any foolish traveler, but Fuchsia Tech knew they did not have a chance of resurrecting Pittaro unless they could find Luis Leao. It was a shame because the smell was meant as a warning for any idiotic treasure hunters to turn back before the real horrors of the temple could be found. The temple was maze-like in its passages, leading FT down a variety of confusing corridors that led to nowhere. After several hours of navigating through one dead-end path after another, Clyde had an idea. I read it in this story once! These kids left breadcrumbs on the path they were walking on. They were called Hansel and Gretel. I think they used the crumbs in order to find Anne Frank s hiding place and then they won a gingerbread house or something. Anyways, all I know is that everything worked out for the best! Clyde immediately pulled a baguette out of his bag and was going to leave crumbs when Antoine swiftly karate chopped him in the face. You fool! Don t you know that baguette rhymes with faggot?! If you had left those crumbs, it would have turned you gay! I-I didn t know! Thank you Antoine! You saved my life! Clyde and Antoine cried and embraced each other while the rest of the group decided to press on without them. Eventually they were able to memorize most of the temple layout and were able to progress to a wide open area. Standing in the middle was a giant minotaur, foaming at that mouth and wielding a battle axe that nearly matched its own eight-foot frame. FT prepared for a fight, but Madame Zokm stepped forward and intervened. Honies, you don t need to fight that thing. What do you see around his waist? Fuchsia Tech was confused by this question, but looked and answered in unison. A loin cloth? That s right, babies! And if it has a loin cloth, that must mean it s hiding something.

Madame Zokm stepped forward and before the half-man, half-bull monster could react, Madame Zokm was in the process of blowing it vigorously. Her mouth filled with beast cock, she motioned her newfound friends to progress without her. She knew that with her years of dirty whore training, she could keep this creature satisfied and at bay for several hours. And so Mickey D, Wilfred, Evgueni and Hai-Fung dashed ahead down what seemed to be an endless hall. After about an hour of running, they heard a rustling sound behind them and looked behind to see what it could be. To their horror it was a gargantuan anaconda, measuring at least 50 feet in length and 6 feet tall in girth. They continued to run, but this time in order to escape their pursuer. Unfortunately, their cardio limits had reached their peak and everyone began to slow down to catch their breath. All except Hai-Fung of course! Pussies! He whipped around and charged the anaconda, killing it with a single punch to the head. The great reptile fell limply to the ground, which Hai-Fung saw as an excellent substitute for a beanbag chair. He collapsed into the squishy, scaly flesh of the dead animal and proceeded to take a nap while the others pressed on. There was a bright light at the end of the tunnel and Mickey D, Wilfred and Evgueni finally emerged. A great golden altar stood at the top of winding staircase, with the initials LL carved into the relief in beautiful letters, no doubt one of those fancy fonts that you have to pay money to use in Photoshop. Though they could not see the top clearly, it was fairly obvious that their goal was waiting for them once they had climbed this staircase. Their path, however, was blocked off by a mighty 6-armed demon. I am Alain, Guardian of Luis Leao! I have six arms! LOOK AT THEM! Mickey D, Evgueni and Wilfred looked at the arms and nodded in admiration. Thank you. I am very proud of my arms. I think that s what makes me the coolest guy here. Man, they re totally awesome, eh? Do you guys wish you had 6 arms? Wilfred thought about this for a second and nodded. Yeah, that would be preeeeetty darned rad. Can I have some more arms? NO! Alain screamed. Only I may have many arms! Fuck you guys!

With all three of his right fists simultaneously, he punched Wilfred and knocked him into the opposite wall. He then turned to Evgueni and sneered. Ha ha ha! You don t even have any arms! You can t possibly face my challenge! I HAVEN T DONE ANYTHING COOL IN A WHILE! Mickey D screamed, and he somehow grew two extra sets of arms! Alain was taken aback that a mere human could have six arms too, and lunged forward to grapple with this blasphemer. Mickey D did not budge an inch though, and even began to bend all six of Alain s arms back until they snapped off like twigs! MY ARMS! I M SO NOT COOL anymore! Alain screamed in agony and dejection. Mickey D assembled the six torn limbs into a long whip and used it to knock Alain s head clean off! With the path to the altar clear, Mickey D and Evgueni climbed to the top. They had finally reached the altar of Luis Leao, but only saw four strands of hair sitting upon it. The fuck?! Mickey D shouted in anger and disappointment. Hairs?! Just hairs?! Where in the world is Luis Fucking Leao! Why I am here, my sons! An apparition appeared before them, causing Mickey D to jump back and fall off the altar in shock. He was dazed, but conscious on the floor below. Wilfred came to his senses as well and they stared upwards at the mighty ghost of Luis Leao. My children, Luis continued in a voice that could only be described as angelic but still somehow badass, Luis Leao is but a word for the mighty power that resides in all of us. There s a little Luis Leao in every man, woman and child in this universe. Any time something magical and nonsensical happens, it s because of Luis Leao. Like those extra crazy ass arms, Mickey D. Well I ll be jiggered! exclaimed Mickey D, slapping his knee with all three of his left hands. Luis Leao continued with his speech, Fuchsia Tech, you are very weak but your hearts are pure and virtuous. You re a really shitty gang and the people of QA are right to beat you up, but a wonderful group of folk nonetheless! For this reason, I shall assist the lot of you. Please take these hairs. They are my pubes! Each one contains the essence of one of my forms: Bruce Luis, Chocolate Luis, Jewis Luis and Luis Fucking Leao. They can only be used once each, so use them sparingly!

Be forewarned however: the path to the Dio Stone often leads to death and disaster. If your desire to bring Pittaro back to life is impure, great tragedy will fall upon the universe! Believe in yourselves though and you will succeed. Now farewell my children and good luck! And with that, Luis Leao disappeared. Evgueni leaned forward to taken the pubes, but a man jumped on the altar and grabbed them first! Ha ha ha! These are mine, fuckfaces! It was Frank Lajeunesse of the Party Hardy Boys! He kicked Evgueni in the gut and chugged ten beers while screaming like a banshee. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Mickey D and Wilfred tried running up the steps, but Frank launched two beers cans like missiles, blasting both of them off the stairs. LATER DICKCOCKS! But Evgueni thrust his head forward at the last second, knocking the pubes out of Frank s hand and to the ground below. Frank prepared to jump down after them, but Evgueni stood in front and stared into his eyes. Staring contest! Evgueni said in a low key voice. Without looking away, he uttered what he knew would be his last words to his friends: Run. For possibly the first time, Mickey D and Wilfred heard Evgueni s voice and immediately followed his command, shedding rugged man tears all the while. Frank had no intention of being drawn into a staring contest or letting the pubes get away, so he immediately put his fist through Evgueni s heart. You looked away were Evgueni s last words as he grabbed onto Frank s hand and held it inside

of his gaping chest wound. The entire altar and stairway began to shake and collapse, causing Frank to panic. He attempted to tear his hand from Evgueni s grip, but even in death he would not let go as the power of his staring contests was that great! The room caved in, showering Frank with thousands of tons of stone and creating a tomb for him and Evgueni. Wilfred and Mickey D charged down the tunnel again as it fell apart. They snatched Hai-Fung off the beanbag snake along the way, as even the temple s collapse was not enough to stir him. They made it back to the minotaur s lair where Madame Zokm was cleaning the minotaur spunk off her face and counting up the money she had just earned. So can I see you again? Maybe take you out to dinner? the minotaur asked sheepishly.

Sure hon, Zokm replied sarcastically. I ll call that phone over there and we ll go out of a date. I ll call you as sooooon as I get home. Oh, ok, said the minotaur. He sat by the phone and stared at it while Zokm and FT fled. Within a couple of minutes, he was crushed into the falling debris as well. They all dove back into Vince, and to their surprise/disappointment, Antoine and Clyde were there as well, cleaning up the ship in French Maid outfits. Hey, can t we play Cinderella in peace?! screamed Antoine. Vince blasted off the planet just as the whole place imploded, and although they had lost a friend in Evgueni, they had gained a priceless weapon that would be invaluable in helping them assemble the remaining Dio Stones and thwart the remaining Party Hardy Boys! But first, a reunion with their fellow Fuchsia Techers was in order! In Vince s cargo bay (located in the chode), a sinister figure sat there chuckling. Heh heh heh...

Chapter 17: Enter Acid Girl and Some New Chick

In a dark, dank, piss-smelling dungeon, Sam, Bianca, Sop, Justyn, Kelvin and Hennick were locked in a cell together, forced to poop in the same bucket. Together at the same time. Actually, they weren t actually forced to poop at the same time, but this bonding exercise helped Fuchsia Tech keep their solidarity in these dismal times. And so they sat there, cold, wet, pantless and sitting on a hard metal bucket evacuating their bowels all at once. The turds all fell to the bottom of the container in unison, colliding with a dull metallic thwap and they lined up tall and proud like Buckingham Palace guardsman. Such beauty touched the heart of the jailor, but he could not show mercy for fear of upsetting his boss, the twisted and maniacal Jackson. It didn t matter in the end though, because the jailor s head exploded like a popped balloon filled with spaghetti sauce no more than three minutes later. Two cloaked figures walked up to the jail cell and saw the FTers sitting and crapping together. The first one pulled a key ring from their cloak and unlocked the cell door. The second one pulled out a roll of toilet paper and tossed it everyone s way. Once everyone was unshackled and had wiped, cloaked figure #1 pulled down their hood. My name is Lee. I am the head of Sub Poop Records in the Fax. Unlike Jackson and his cockfaced ways, we believe in leaving independent artists be and letting them be naturally awesome. When I heard of Fuchsia Tech s incredible show, I just had to find you guys! Shitting in buckets underground is the basis on which Sub Poop was founded on, so you guys will fit in just fine! Cloaked figure #2 gave Justyn his guitar, which restored his store of rocktricity, which is like electricity but fueled by rock. Who s this chode that had my guitar? he asked. Oh her? Lee responded. She says she s a big fan of you guys and even told me where to find you. Doesn t talk much though. Not wanting to waste another minute, FT raced out of the catacombs along with Lee and cloaked figure #2. But just then, FIVE HUNDRED WOLVERINES WIELDING CHAINSAWS FELL FROM THE CEILING SIMULTANOUSLY! OH SHIT! Fuchsia Tech looked doomed, but cloaked figure #2 waved her hands and all the wolverines melted into a pile of goo. Carolyn came out from behind a pillar and began slow clapping.

Well, you ve found someone not useless to help you out. Those Menkhour lads didn t last three seconds against my intense awesomeness. Awwwwwh, you re going down bitch! Youssef and Fawzi were my homies! Sam screamed at the top of his lungs. He performed three somersaults, then lunged forward with a headbutt, but he bounced harmlessly off her boobs and onto the floor. I die a hero to lose consciousness. Cloaked figure #2 stepped forward and growled menacingly. Carolyn laughed haughtily and then began to shift forms! Before I only showed you my Bee form. But bees are hideous and unbecoming of a classy and beautiful woman such as I. Now I will transform into something even more powerful than that! Behold my true form and despair! There was an intense flash of light, and once it subsided FT was shocked into paralysis by what Carolyn had become, for she was now made entirely of WIENER DOGS! Oh my god! Bianca exclaimed. They re so cute! Even Hennick had tears in his eyes and the shock caused him to wet himself. Their legs are so tiny! And they re so round! How can we possibly face that?! Only with something more adorable, of course! Lee confidently replied. Myriam, show them what you ve got! MYRIAM?! Cloaked figure #2 tore off her cloak and sure enough it was Myriam! There was no mistaking her cute ribbon in her hair or her gentle feminine posture. Except that now she was a hideous creature composed of acid! After Laurence had powerbombed her into a vat of acid, she was able to climb out, just barely alive. After sobering up, Laurence and Julie felt bad about what they did and decided to help save her life. By pumping the acid directly into her veins, Myriam was transformed into an acid monster of unbelievable destructive power! Carolyn formed into a long whip of wiener dogs and attempted to smash Myriam to pieces. Soft and cuddly as it may be though, Dachshund fur has no defense against hydrochloric acid and the puppies screamed in agony as the skin and flesh melted off their adorable sausage-shaped bodies. Carolyn Sam cried out before pretending

screamed as well as she changed back into a human as just a torso and head without any limbs. She tried to wobble away to save her own skin, but Myriam performed a Macho Man Randy Savage elbow drop and dissolved her into nothingness. Exhausted from using up most of her acid power, Myriam shambled into a corner and sat down. Sadly, she couldn t sit down for more than five seconds before two thugs burst into the room and kicked her in the face, knocking her right out. Killing my business partner? Now that wasn t very nice of you. Jackson stood in the doorway smoking a comically enormous cigar, smoke billowing all about him while he shook his head. Where will I find another hot, fashion-conscious chick that can help dress my music superstars? Bianca stepped forward and gave Jackson her CV, but he just rolled it up proceeded to beat her senseless with it. Never mind that for now. Let s see what you think about one of my newest acts? These are the Badass B-Boys! Meet Dieu-Ton and Matthew Kim! The two thugs that knocked Myriam out stood up and faced FT. Dieu-Ton was 8 feet tall with crazy dreads that were as tall as he was. His hands were large enough to palm a bowling ball, which he proceeded to pick up and crush in his grip. His enormous legs also gave him ridiculous range with his breakdancing and kicks. Matthew Kim was much more diminutive, but his speed in breakdancing was so blazing that he destroyed all in his path, like the Tasmanian Devil. Hennick was impressed by this ability and wanted to challenge him to see who had the better hurricane powers, but Sop stopped him. Stop, you don t stand a chance! I m the only black or Asian guy here. I m the only one who can face these two. Hennick nodded in agreement and decided to let Sop handle it. Sop put a bandana on his head and prepared to get more gangsta than he had ever been in his life. Les do this! Sop got down on all fours and started busting out his rad b-boy moves. Ton and Matthew Kim were mildly impressed until Sop got on his back and began spinning around. This was all fine and dandy, except that Sop could not get up due to the big shell he wore on his back to tuck into a cannonball. As

such, he was stuck like a flipped over turtle. Matthew Kim and Ton kicked Sop like a soccer ball and sent him flying backwards into a wall, falling onto his back once more. Sop grunted Ugh fuck a little help guys? while he flailed about. Hennick shook his head in disgust and prepared to fight, but Sam and Bianca recovered consciousness and stepped in front. Oh god, Hennick moaned. Don t you realize that you guys suck? Just let me handle this! But Sam was as irrational and undeterred as always! He had to be the first guy in the fight, no matter what it was. Even a breakdancing competition! Sam flailed about with moves so ridiculous that they could only be described as extremely spastic. But this turned out to be the Badass B-Boys weakness! Ungh! groaned Matthew Kim. S-so white! How can we dare face such insane whiteness! Sam continued his dance. He pumped his fists in the air while kicking his legs out and shaking his head like a wild man. He mixed this up with the funky chicken and the monkey, even tossing in a little YMCA in the middle! He threw in one last finishing blow in the form of the Macarena, which was enough to cause Matthew Kim to throw up on the spot. Don t let his whiteness defeat you! Jackson screamed in a fit of rage unbecoming of him. What s the matter?! Kick his ass! Swallowing their fear in the face of such nerdiness, Matthew Kim and Dieu-Ton advanced slightly. It was not long before Sam s retarded flailings, shakes and kicks were within range of Ton s massive limbs. He prepared to send a giant foot down Sam s throat when a miracle happened! Sam jumped in the air and landed awkwardly, causing his kneecap to pop out of place. He collapsed to the ground in pain, the bone visibly popping through his skin. His last second fall caused Ton to miss and slip, hitting his own head on the floor and cracking his skull open. Matthew Kim was disgusted by Sam s disfigured joint and by the contents of Ton s head spilling out onto the floor, which caused him to turn away. This gave Bianca enough time to sneak up behind him and choke him to death with her giant scrotum. Kelvin, using his eastern medicine voodoo, chuckled and slapped Sam s knee back into place. Both Jackson and Hennick merely held their heads in embarrassment at this display, but Lee was amused and began to laugh.

You guys are a riot! I can t wait to sign Fuchsia Tech to Sub Poop! LIKE FUCK YOU WILL! Jackson screamed, his vocal chords tearing under the strain of the rage he was trying to express. He tore off his shirt violently and pointed a finger at Lee. Let s end this now, Sub Poop! You and FT are going to be bootstains in about ten seconds!

Chapter 18: Reunion

Jackson was the head of a large record company, so therefore he was obviously a formidable fighter as well. Nevertheless, he would not hold back or show any mercy against those who would inconvenience him, let alone embarrass him like Fuchsia Tech had done. He flexed his arms quicker than the speed of sound, causing biceps to fire out of his arms like grenades and rain down upon Fuchsia Tech and Lee! Everyone ducked out of the way at the last second, but the resulting explosion sent Sam and Bianca flying and momentarily stunned Justyn and Hennick. They prepared to counterattack, but saw two more biceps flying at their unconscious comrades and had to dive in the way to protect them. The resulting blast injured them, but they survived and were able to save their teammates. That s dirty! Lee shouted. Stop picking on the little guys! I ll flex my manliness wherever I damn please! Jackson bellowed and he launched more biceps at the FT crew. Hennick and Justyn prepared themselves again to be marauded, but suddenly the biceps were sucked into a volcano! The volcano on Kelvin s arm! Ho ho ho! Don t worry, I ll protect these guys from harm. You go ahead and have your fun, young lady. He then proceeded to sip green tea with his free arm while absorbing stray biceps into the cavernous opening in his own forearm. Thank you monk! said Lee as she bowed respectfully to Kelvin. With a fiery passion in her eyes, Lee whipped around and turned to face Jackson. You re not the only record company owner here. Now it s time to face my power! Jackson raised an eyebrow in curiosity as Lee began to retch and convulse on the spot. Even Fuchsia Tech was concerned now as they thought that she had picked an inopportune time to get sick from the stress of having to face Jackson. After several seconds of heaving though, Lee eventually vomited what appeared to be a furball. In fact, it was a small, furry, beige and pink cat! The kitty cleaned itself off while Lee wiped her mouth clean and pointed towards Jackson. Go Rochelle! Take down that bad man! The kitty was highly hesitant, but followed Lee s instructions and marched towards Jackson, her legs trembling all the while. She finally stood directly in front of him, her whole body shaking and her teeth chattering as she shifted uncomfortably in place. Jackson was obviously unfazed.

Ha ha, is the wee little kitty cat supposed to scare me? Maybe I should just shove my foot up its ass and turn it into a cute pink and beige Ugg! Rochelle squealed upon hearing this and in a tiny voice screamed F-fuck! She then exploded more powerfully than a stick of dynamite, knocking Jackson through two of the pillars that supported the room and caused the roof to begin collapsing around them. Using his hurricane blasts, Hennick safely redirected the falling rubble so as not to harm his friends, but he along with all of FT was astonished by the power of Lee s kitty bomb. Lee merely flicked her hair behind her head and smirked, saying That s Rochelle. She s my cute itty bitty kitty and she helps me fight nasty fellows like you. See, whenever she gets nervous (which is almost always), she has a tendency to violently explode. But don t worry, I m always able to bring her back to life by throwing her up again. So do you give up the rights to Fuchsia Tech s contract or do I have to beat you up some more? However, Jackson emerged from the pile of debris very much alive, albeit minus one arm and his body horribly burned. This was not enough to take down someone hardcore enough to climb to the top of the record biz, though! Exhaling a puff of smoke from his mouth, he began firing more biceps at Lee who deftly dodged all the attacks. What she did not expect, however, is that she was being lured into a trap! Lee tripped over a rock that was lying on the ground after the roof collapsed and fell over. She tried to cough up another Rochelle, but was met by Jackson s boot to her face! I m never going to let you puke up another one of those cats! You re dead, bitch! Jackson whaled on Lee with kicks, while continuously firing biceps at Kelvin, who had no choice but to absorb them into his volcano, which was becoming more and more agitated by being open for so long. Curses, it will erupt before too long and melt Lee in the process! LET ME ROCK HIS FACE OFF HIS FUCKING HEAD UNTIL HIS NECKHOLE IS CHOKED UP WITH MY MAN CUM! Justyn screamed viciously as he shredded a wicked solo. You cannot, Kelvin objected. If you step out from behind my volcano, you will be sucked into its endless abyss. And if I put the volcano away, the weaklings will be decimated by a barrage of exploding biceps. We are at a stalemate, I m afraid It seemed grim for Lee and Fuchsia Tech. However, Sop could not stand to hold back any longer! He had been lying helplessly on his back ever since the Badass B-Boy fight, so Jackson had been ignoring

him till now. He knew that it was up to him to save Lee and in order to do so he would have to get off his back. Sop attempted to rock back and forth in order to flip himself over, but could never get close enough to reach the ground with his hands or feet. Ever the cool head, Sop composed himself and thought over his options. It was then he realized that there was still a way to move even without flipping over! Turtle-style breakdancing! Spinning rapidly like a top, Sop gained enough momentum to finally move and spun towards Jackson. Not able to notice the attack coming at him, Jackson was blind-sided by Sop s tackle and it sent him skidding across the floor. After a few moments of lying in pain, Jackson was able to gather himself up and pick up Sop by the nostrils. You re really fitting to die, eh motherfucker? Well you just got your wish! Oh Jaaaaaackson! Lee yelled in a sing-song voice. Jackson turned his head around in time to see something being pitched his way. He tossed Sop to the side and caught the object. It was another Rochelle. Sh-shit! Rochelle stammered nervously before exploding again, reducing Jackson to half a head, half a torso, and a single arm severed at the elbow. Kelvin quickly reapplied the seal to his volcano arm and FT erupted in cheers as their escape seemed to now be a guaranteed success. Brubrapbrubrb Jackson gurgled, blood rushing from his mouth and preventing him from With his last ounce of strength, he

ejaculating his usual bravado. You won t escabe here alibe shouted HPS! and then expired.

The ground rumbled underneath and a familiar sight showed itself. The giant robot that had captured them at the Battle of the Bands showed its face again! The machine took Jackson with one of its gargantuan metallic mitts and devoured it in a single gulp. Within the eyes of the giant machine, dozens of corpses could be seen floating about and were being sapped dry to provide energy for the giant behemoth. In each of the robot s limbs there was a person piloting it, with another human in the torso organizing the whole team. The human in the center, Jen Rabey, cackled evilly and addressed FT. We are the Hardcore Power System! The greatest Reggaeton band in the universe and, consequently, the best and most feared musical group in history! Even if you have killed Jackson, we will appoint another useless record executive in his place! First though, you must all die!

HPS was about crush FT under one of its 10,000 ton boots when a flying elbow drop from outer space knocked it off its feet! And there is only one badass giant robot capable of going toe-to-toe with HPS! IT S VINCE! FT gleefully shouted in unison. Antoine, Clyde, Mickey D, Wilfred, Hai-Fung and Madame Zokm slid out the escape chute in Vince s asshole and rejoined their teammates. Awwwwh shit! Antoine shouted as he and Clyde high-fived each other in the face accidentally. It s giant robot fighting time!

Chapter 19: Giant Robot Fighting Time!

Awh yeah, now it s finally Vince s time to shine! He was converted into a giant fighting robot spaceship for the express purpose of kicking the asses of other giant robots like HPS. That s what made it all the more disappointing that after less than three minutes of fighting, Vince was thoroughly pummeled by the Hardcore Power System. Each of the four limbs had its own mind, but worked in perfect harmony with the core body and was able to counter every single move that Vince threw at it. Piloting the arms were Tristan and Akil. The former was an ex-pro wrestler who joined HPS after his career came to an end after mixing steroids with cocaine for too many years left him paralyzed from the ass down. However, he was able to transfer with wealth of wicked ass techniques into HPS and had it deliver a crushing Stone Cold Stunner onto Vince! While Vince flopped around like a fish out of water from the impact, Tristan had HPS flip off his fallen opponent in a vigorous and manly display of poor sportsmanship. He even had it chug giant space beers and subsequently had it take an oil piss all over Vince! Akil was equally formidable. The studio wiz behind HPS s musical success, he was able to mix up Tristan s wrestling with his own innate street fighting style and the speed and trickiness of the leg components: Morgan and Lisa. Along with Jen as the main unit, he formulated the battle plan that allowed HPS to deliver a big boot to Vince s face and deliver a robo-leg drop across his throat. The clanging of steel reverberated through the air as Vince s mechanical trachea cracked upon the impact from these megaton thighs. Morgan was a nimble thief who was known for stealing CDs from record stores in an age when people still bought CDs. When she was caught one day, the Fax police (owned by the record companies) gave her an ultimatum: Join HPS or be executed. With her swiftness as an asset, HPS was able to deftly avoid each of Vince s punches and countered with its own crushing blows to his body and skull. Sparks flew from Vince s robo-face as he wobbled around in pain on the verge of collapsing. Finally there was Lisa. Her craftiness, ambition and lack of scruples gave HPS the guts to succeed in the cutthroat music industry. That s where she was able to come up with the tactical prowess and unethical mindset to knock Vince down with a kick straight to his giant robo-balls. The twenty foot spheres cracked from the impact and began to leak precious fuel, as Vince grabbed his crotch in agony and collapsed face first into the ground, his ass propped up in the air. This position gave Jen an idea.

Think you can fuck with HPS, eh? she proudly exclaimed. Well maybe we ll fuck with you! Engage Hardcore Power Cock! Power Cock engaging! Tristan, Akil, Morgan and Lisa shouted in unison. A trap door opened up on the crotchplate of the mechanical nightmare and from within an eighty foot behemoth emerged! The dick of HPS may have seemed a superfluous addition to the robot, but it was actually an essential tool used to humiliate those that opposed them in order to spread their legend, just as they would soon spread Vince s buttcheeks. The robo-cock even had its own pilot; a swarthy fellow by the name of Massud. He rarely took part in HPS s musical sessions and really had no desire to kick ass or humiliate people, but he enjoyed chilling and going along for the ride. As such, they relegated him to the cock since he didn t have to come out much but could still be a MEMBER (heh heh heh) of HPS. Disengaging flaccidity, Massud calmly stated. Preparing for anal insertion in 3 2 1 ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! For the first time, Vince had spoken and it was in order to let forth this bloodcurdling scream. His schematics were not designed to incorporate this much mass into its docking area and his hull was in serious danger of a critical breach. It was then that Madame Zokm stepped forward and offered the type of wisdom only someone in her field of work could possibly provide. Clench, honey! You just gotta pretend you re holding on to the edge of a cliff with your ass! Hold on for dear life and never let go! Vince followed Madame Zokm s advice and increased pressure on his sphincter area. He gripped tightly onto HPS s cock and did not let go, causing the robot to panic as it could not undock itself from within Vince. Damage to penis is 60%! Akil shouted in a panic. Pressure is proving too much! a frustrated Jen lamented as she tried to maintain oil flow to the member. Cock is compromised! I repeat: Cock is compromised! Shiiiiiit Massud muttered in a daze, only half-aware of the gravity of the situation. With one final

tug, Vince tore the cock right off of HPS, leaving a gaping hole in the crotch of the now emasculated robot! Vince followed up with a pair of karate chops to the arms of HPS, severing them from its body!

Tristan and Akil fiddled away at the controls in an attempt to pilot the arms as separate vehicles, but their attempt was foiled when Akil was forced to stare down the rage-filled face of Mickey D. Let me lend you A HAND! Mickey D then punched through the glass window and burst into the cockpit of HPS s left arm. With a single motion, he ripped off Akil s right hand and used it to karate chop the man in half at the waist. He then used Akil s lower half like a golf club to send the top half flying onto the window to Jen s cockpit, splattering like a bug hitting a windshield and preventing her from being able to see shit. It was now Vince s turn to kick some ass! He kicked HPS in the chest as hard as he could, knocking over the great robot. Delivering epic boots to the face of HPS, Vince stomped a mudhole in it while FT hooted and hollered along. Victory seemed all but assured when Vince suddenly clutched his chest and dropped to his knees. Oh no! ejaculated Sop. It s because his balls were cracked before! Vince is nearly out of fuel! Well we need to help him out! exclaimed Hennick. Seizing the respite provided by Vince s sudden crisis, Tristan finally managed to get the jet thrusters working on his right arm unit and flew back into HPS and reconnected to the rest of the mecha. Morgan leapt out of her cockpit fast as lightning and wiped Jen s window clean, allowing her clear vision once more. Though down one arm and a dick, the remaining four pieces of HPS would prove to be sufficient to whoop the now incapacitated Vince, who lay helpless on his knees. Grabbing him by the ankle, HPS swung Vince around and slammed him into the ground over and over, helpless to resist. Quick Sop! Hennick exclaimed once more. What type of fuel does Vince run on?! We need to get some to him, pronto! Juliano constructed Vince to run on the most rugged of resources in the universe, in order to make him as manly as possible. The only thing that can fuel Vince up now is a heaping supply of TITTIES! Shit! Hennick shouted in frustration. Where are we supposed to find titties around here?! It was just then that he happened to spot Madame Zokm who was in the process of fanning down Antoine while wearing a servant girl outfit. Her voluptuous bosoms that were practically falling out of her skimpy outfit were so epic that Hennick was certain that they would be just the right thing to get Vince refueled. In a flash, he dashed over to her and grabbed on to her chest and began to pull.

What are you doiiiiiiiiiiiing?! Zokm screamed. Nooooo! My ho! Antoine cried out. With a final tug, Hennick tore off both of Madame Zokm s titties. She bled and wailed in pain while Antoine wept bitterly. Sniff what good are you to me now? he asked his mammary-less mistress. With that, Antoine poured gasoline all over Zokm and burned her right down to the ground. As she turned to a pile of ash, she made a heart sign with her fingers towards Antoine before they crumbled apart along with the rest of her body. It s ok buddy, Clyde consoled Antoine as he held the weeping FT leader in his arms. Once Pittaro s back we ll buy you so many cheap hos. Clyde wiped a tear from Antoine s face and gently kissed him on the forehead in order to ease his sobbing. Meanwhile, Hennick created a hurricane and used it to fire the boobs directly into Vince s mouth. Snacking down on a pair of rocking titties like Zokm s was enough to restore him to 100% power and he glowed with energy, blinding HPS. Free from its grasp, Vince kicked both knees of the Hardcore Power System, shattering them as well as their pilots Morgan and Lisa. The crippled mech attempted to stand up once more, but it was no use. Jen and Tristan could only watch in horror as Vince placed his hands behind his head in a sexy pose and his nipples began to glow! LOVE LOVE BEAM! Vince shouted in his first real sentence! Fully charged, the nipples sent forth two epic blasts of energy, disintegrating all of HPS on the spot! It was over! Fuchsia Tech had finally defeated all vestiges of Jackson s evil record company empire! We did it! everyone shouted. Now we can continue on our quest! For the next hour and a half, the two FT factions caught up with each other as Hai-Fung passively acknowledged his old companions and Justyn and Acid Beast Myriam were welcomed back into the fold and Lee was introduced as well. Wait a minute, Lee interjected. Why did all of you come to the Fax to begin with? Oh yeah Everyone paused for a second and tried to remember why they had come to the planet

to begin with (back in chapter 12). The answered was delivered to them when a giant pirate ship appeared overhead. It was the ship that belonged to The Halifax Twins, Steve and Katrina!

The twins appeared on the bow of their ship and struck a pose, pointing at the FT crew. You guys put on one heck of a show, Katrina said with a grin. Steve nodded in agreement and said Now you re all big enough celebrities to hob nob with us and our Dio Stone shards. They both twirled the pendants around their necks tauntingly. Too bad we re busy right now. Byeeee! And with that, The Halifax Twins ship blasted off towards outer space. Gay FT shouted together.

Chapter 20: Day of the Losers

Fuchsia Tech was in a bind. Vince was badly damaged from being beat up and anally raped by HPS, but they couldn t let this opportunity slip away either. How would they pursue the Halifax Twins and claim their Dio Stones? Sop, ever the quick thinker, had the answer though. We still have the Tenga Eggsplorer that Kelvin gave us. It s not large enough to fit everyone, but if we send all our best fighters after the Halifax Twins right away, we should have a chance at catching and beating them! Wow Sop! everyone chanted in unison. You re so reliable! We ve been chasing them for this long, Sop said, gritting his teeth and clenching his fist. After all I ve been through here, I can t wait to wipe the smug smirks off those assholes faces. Ohhhh, it ll be rich to see that! And in a flash, the mightiest of the FT warriors blasted off in the Tenga Eggsplorer, leaving the weaklings behind on the Fax. Fuck Sop muttered as he looked at Antoine, Clyde, Bianca, Sam and

Wilfred, all of whom were stranded on the Fax with him and practicing karate against each other or something. I can t believe they lumped me in with them Blasting off at the speed of light, the Tenga Eggplorer began to catch up with the Halifax Twins pirate ship, but Lee seemed uneasy. I hope those other guys will be all right. I ve heard a lot of things about these Halifax Twins and they re supposed to be the dirtiest fighters in the universe. I wonder if your friends will really be safe. Sure enough, back on the Fax, it wasn t long before several swarthy looking pirates rose up from behind some boulders and started laughing evilly at the wussy FTers, who were in the process of playing Unicorn Skittles, a game they had just made up. To play, two people dress up as a unicorn while everyone else tries to throw Skittles into its mouth. However, if the unicorn falls down, everyone has to whip rocks at it and scream TASTE THE RAINBOW! while the person designated Chief Poompalala farts in the unicorn s face. If the unicorn cries, then it is eliminated from the game and everyone else has to seek out Chief Poompalala s mystery cave where he keeps his treasure. This game is extremely awesome and recommended for everyone reading.

One of the pirates fired their pistol, which fortunately just glanced off of Sop s shoulder. This man was Saul aka Samoan Dynamite. He was accompanied by the other unsavory characters that the Halifax Twins kept around, like the mighty Rabot of the Stone Fist, Paul Rocket Beard Glickman, Seb Strudel Trudel and finally the pirate queen Peg Leg Samantha. Gyeh heh heh, Saul snickered. Our bosses told us to stay behind because they figured that Fuchsia Tech would leave behind their weakest members. They re so smart, those two! Time to have some fun, boys! They all dashed down the hill and prepared to cut Fuchsia Tech limb from limb. Sop winced in pain and grabbed his shoulder, wondering if it would really be the end for all of them. Fuck I M NOT LIKE THESE PUSSIES! Fueled by the shame of being left behind, he tossed off his Chief Poompalala outfit and charged at Saul, catching him off-guard and knocking him down with a flying headbutt. The rest of the pirates laughed at Saul for being knocked down by one of the FT losers, mockingly throwing their space grog on his head. But he isn t called Samoan Dynamite for nothing (in spite of not being Samoan at all)! Saul leapt back to his feet and delivered a headbutt of his own to Sop, sending him flying onto his back, where he became helpless. With his foe all set up, Saul took a running start and did a flying body splash onto Sop! The impact was so great that the ground cracked underneath him and Sop spat up copious amounts of blood into the air. Saul stood up, dusted his clothes off, and turned his attention to the other Fuchsia Techers, wondering which loser he would flatten like a pancake next. W-wait... Sop weakly wobbled back and forth in an attempt to flip over, but like the doomed turtle, he was forever cursed to stay on his back. Saul was surprised by his tenacity, but saw how helpless he was as well and decided to take his time torturing the poor man who exhibited all of the agility of a beached whale. He strutted over and began to taunt Sop with kicks and insults, but let his guard down enough for Sop to take advantage! Though Sop couldn t touch the ground to pull himself up, he was able to grab onto Saul and used him in order to pull himself into standing position again! YOUR FACE FUCKING SUCKS! Sop screamed, punching Saul straight in the jaw, shattering it like a dropped glass on a barroom floor. As Saul doubled over in pain, Sop took a running leap of his own and body splashed him! Over and over he repeated, with blood spraying out of every orifice in Saul s body from the internal injuries. Bones began to crumble into dust as Sop continually took to the air and brought down his entire weight, which was made heavier by the giant shell on his back. For his final

assault, Sop ran up a hill and tucked himself into his cannonball form. Rolling down the hill like a bowling ball, he picked up speed until he was rushing towards the fallen Saul at 100 mph, eventually rolling over his head and popping it like a grape being stepped on by a horse in metal horseshoes. The rest of the Halifax Pirates stared in disbelief as their comrade lay there, spraying blood out of his exposed neckhole. COCKASS! Rabot of the Stone Fist screamed, as he rushed Sop and punched him hard enough to dent his shell and hurting the man inside. Bianca began to run to his rescue, but once again tripped over her gargantuan balls. Rabot laughed at the sight, but Bianca quickly picked herself up, noticing that it didn t hurt like it usually did. Surmising what had happened to her body, she then got an amazing idea. She goaded Rabot by making various insults towards him, many of which involved his penis size. Stuff like Hey, your penis is small , Boy you have a small penis and Hey, your penis is very, very small. Her total lack of wit just made Rabot that much angrier and he wound up his fist and punched Bianca straight in the balls with all his might. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRARG! Rabot s fist exploded into a mess of flesh and shattered bone! As he stared down at the mass of hamburger meat he once called a hand, Bianca laughed haughtily while stroking her enormous nads. I trip over and hurt them so often that I ve toughened my balls and made them stronger than stone! With that, she stretched her scrotum and separated her two testicles so that each one was to either side of Rabot. She slammed them together and smashed Rabot into a fine paste in between them. The rest of the pirates decided to rush Bianca together, but Seb Strudel Trudel was caught off guard by manically flailing Sam who crashed into him and began to wail on him with his fists of fury. YEAAAAH! Sam screamed. MY TURN! Wilfred was equally pumped and charged Paul Rocket Beard Glickman. However, Glickman countered by firing his mighty facial hair at Wilfred, nailing him in the chest and knocking him down. You cannot dare to defy the mightiest facial hair on Earth! Mightiest facial hair? Wilfred laughed, lifting himself up and stroking his mustache. Fat chance! Wilfred stroked his mighty Fu Manchu mustache and it began to grow in length, waving around like a pair of wild serpents! Glickman fired his beard again, but Wilfred countered by whipping it out of the air

with his mustache. He took a kung fu stance and lunged forth! However, Glickman parried the blow and knocked Wilfred back. W-why? Wilfred cried with manly tears in his eyes. Just then, Kelvin appeared to Wilfred in a vision! Monk Kelvin?! Aren t you on the Tenga Eggsplorer? Ohohoho! The mustache is acting like an antenna and allowing me to communicate with you through telepathy. I knew that one day your outstanding mustache you allow you to become the heir to my unbeatable Mustache Fu! Now follow my lead, young pupil YES MASTER! Wilfred once again attacked Glickman, who again blocked the blow. This time however, the wild and uncontrollable mustache wrapped around Glickman s arm and allowed Wilfred to vault himself into the air! NORTH STAR HUNDRED STRIKING MUSTACHE! Flying wildly at speeds exceeding that of sound, Wilfred s Fu Manchu struck the helpless Glickman and scarred him all over his body. With his technique complete, Wilfred landed softly on the ground and Glickman s wounds exploded with blood before he collapsed into pieces on the ground. The vision of Kelvin nodded to his protg, then disappeared. Awwwwh yeah! Antoine boasted, making a fake gangsta sign with his hand. Once Sam bounces your boy, youze guys are gonna be so fucked! But Strudel only needed one finger to counter Sam s retarded attack and knocked him down effortlessly. Alright! Strudel shouted to his remaining teammate. Bring me all the liquor we have left! It s party time! Samantha nodded in agreement, and tossed him a six-pack. He then started his favorite fighting style where he would chug a beer and follow by delivering a devastating elbow drop to Sam s gut. This was in spite of Sam wetting himself and losing consciousness after the second elbow drop. I guess they left a few strong guys along with the pantywaists, Strudel mused as he cracked open his final beer. Being a kinder sport than his fellow pirates, he poured the contents of the beer down Sam s throat as a toast before getting ready to kill him. Beer?! Bianca screamed. Sam doesn t drink beer! He hates drinking! That s why FT only drinks root beer. She thought for a moment and realized that Sam was a big party pooper and that maybe they were better off without him.

But that s when something crazy happened! Sam s eyes snapped wide open and he immediately sat up. His pupils dilated and he began to convulse all over. Strudel was confused by this occurrence and decided to deliver the killing blow before it was too late. But OH SHIT Sam grabbed the elbow as he brought it down! With little effort, he tugged Strudel s arm off his body! Sam s shirt exploded off his body and his muscles expanded to ridiculous proportions, until he made Arnold Schwarzenegger looked like a limp-wristed infant! While his enemy screamed and clutched at his gaping wound, Sam pulled a heaping pile of salt out of his pocket and started rubbing it on the wound. The pain became too intense for Strudel and he pulled up his gun in order to take his own life and end the suffering. But Sam was on a god damn roll! He stole the gun right out of Strudel s hands and shot him in the knees, causing him to crumple like a baby learning to walk for the first time! To follow this up, he took a massive piss in Strudel s eye with such force that it actually impaled the eyeball like a knife! Having enough of the torture show, Sam lifted Strudel over his head and broke him in two by slamming him over his knee! Holy donkey shit! everyone in FT shouted in unison. That was amazing Sam! However, Sam had sobered up, and seeing the sight of blood on him caused him to freak out and pass out again, wetting himself a second time. Awwwwwh right! Antoine screamed at the top of his lungs. Only one of dem pirates left! Awwwwh, me an Clyde are gonna beat you down toots! We re gonna beat ya and if we re nice we ain t gonna rape you too hard! Yeah, we s the toughest and baddest in Fu cha Tech and youze gotta fight us both! How s you like dat, baby? Clyde juked and made menacing gestures at Samantha, who had nothing to lose and charged both Antoine and Clyde. Within thirty seconds, they were both beaten, bloodied, and forced to make out with each other while pooping their pants in order to keep Samantha from killing them both on the spot. The rest of FT, seeing that Antoine and Clyde still sucked and stood no chance, rolled Samantha in a carpet and threw her off a bridge. I ll get you for this Fuchsia Teeeeeech! Samantha shouted as the river dragged her away. Somehow, (almost) everyone in Fuchsia Tech found their inner strength and they were able to overcome the evil pirate forces! Victorious, all they had to do now was await the return of their comrades.

Vince, who was in the middle of putting robo-Band Aids on his wounds, felt an itch on his taint, and scratched it. This caused a small shadowy figure to fall off, which then cackled wickedly and scuttled off towards the unsuspecting FTers.

Chapter 21: Final Fantasies

The Tenga Eggplorer blasted through the cosmos, hot on the trail of the Cleveland Steamer, the Halifax Twins immense, but fairly sluggish space pirate ship. It was slow because, as the name implied, it ran entirely on steam imported from Cleveland. The price for such aesthetics was that Fuchsia Tech did not take too long to overcome the vessel and board it. But of course, that was the intention of the Halifax Twins all along. Unlike the evil, but direct Yankey Doodle and the honorably manly Niko the Greeko, the Twins were renowned for their treachery and deceit, meaning that they were entirely prepared for this attack and had prepared accordingly. The FT landing party consisted of Mickey D heading the assault along with Justyn, Hai-Fung and Myriam as well as their special guests Kelvin and Lee. This formed a dream team of the strongest FT members who were far mightier and formidable than they had been when their flimsy selves left planet QA. With these mighty juggernauts, the Halifax Twins would surely fall just as the previous Dio Stone holders had! No sooner did they set foot on the deck of the ship however, that a trap door opened underneath and dropped them all into a large circular room lined with doorways. Two space pirates stood in the room and bowed courteously. Hello Fuchsia Tech! said the first pirate. I am Jean Ly, the navigator of this ship. And I am Jessica Chan, the ship s cook, said the second. We have been sent here to be your guides. Indeed! said Jean Ly, chortling as he stroked his chest hairs suggestively. As you can see around you, there is a door for each one of you. Each one contains a maze that will test your mental skills! In order to see Captains Steve and Katrina, Jessica continued, each one of you must take a door alone. If you make it through your maze, you will come upon one of our two bosses. If you re all smart enough, then just maybe you ll be able to gang up on them like you originally planned to. Ha ha, what a bunch of jerks ganging up on people, right Jessica? SHUT YOUR GAY FUCKING MOUTH! Mickey D screamed as he pulled out Jean Ly s eyes, forcing him to watch himself get his intestines pulled out of his body by Mickey D and used as a whip to beat him into submission. Jessica tried to scream, but Myriam gave her an acid headbutt, which melted her

head like an ice cube! Nevertheless, FT agreed to the rules and decided to split up. Each one took a door and ran down the long corridors that followed. Hai-Fung reached the end of his hallway and found only a bedroom with the largest, most comfortable bed he had ever seen. It was at this point that he realized that he had been deceived and that he needed to double back in order to help out his comrades. On the other hand, the bed looked really darned comfortable and he WAS just forced to run for three whole minutes. So Hai-Fung laid down on the bed and took a nap. Mickey D reached his own room, where a badass PC was hooked up with a finished version of Diablo 3 installed and ready to go. Fuck yeah! Let s do this shit! Mickey D screamed as he sat down and began to play. Within ten minutes, his sorceress Tits McTitstitstits was already at level 50 and was raining boob lightning down upon Diablo himself. This only meant that game was 0.00001% complete though. In the third room, Myriam came across an immense arts & crafts center, complete with professional grade markers, paper and glitter glue, as well as every type, shape and color of fabric imaginable. Somehow wielding the supplies in her large acidic fingers, she began creating elegant clothing and accessories, which she then modeled to herself in the mirror. In spite of being a misshapen green, goopy monster, it all looked fabulous on her! In Lee s room, the entire floor was moving with kittens and puppies everywhere. Entranced by their adorableness, she vomited up Rochelle and together they played with the furry beasts. There was even a waiter there serving tea and biscuits, which Lee took with her to one of the tables as she relaxed and enjoyed the atmosphere. Holy smokes! Justyn exclaimed upon reaching his destination. Nikki Sixx! What are you doing here? Well kiddo, I owe the Halifax Twins big time for getting me out of rehab. You know they don t even let you drink there?! Booze ain t a drug, dammit! So wanna rock out with me? Fuck yeah! Justyn whipped out his guitar and with Nikki pumping out chunky basslines, they started a raucous jam.

Elsewhere, Kelvin entered a chamber painted entirely in white, with the only decoration being a waterfall somehow installed directly in the center of the room. The feng shui in this room is formidable! I must obtain enlightenment in here! And so Kelvin stood underneath the waterfall and began chanting in hopes of making the volcano on his arm disappear. To his surprise, he began to feel the curse disappear and the volcano shrink into nothingness! What Kelvin did not know, however, is that the water contained psychotropic drugs and that it was all in his mind. Hennick rushed down the longest hallway of them all, but his hurricane powers granted him great speed and before long, he reached his destination. Waiting at the end were two tall platforms, on each of which stood Steve and Katrina, the Halifax Twins! The hell?! a confused Hennick exclaimed. What s going on? Where are the other doors?! Geh heh heh, Steve chuckled as he ate a delicious fuji apple. Pirates are thieves and bandits of the sea. It s our job to pull the wool over your eyes! Katrina did a funky dance on her own platform before throwing he head back tauntingly and pointing at the bewildered Hennick. Your friends are all too busy being trapped in their own little fantasies to save you, Hurricane Hennick! Now we re going to do what Doctor X could not and finish off Hurricane Heidi! That s not my naaaaame! whined Hennick as he started to climb Katrina s pillar in order to get at her. Steve merely laughed however, and pulled 15 hats off of his head. Hat Parade! He fired them at Hennick like bullets and they collided with his back, knocking him off the pillar. You brought this on yourself, muchacho! Steve scolded Hennick as he wagged his finger at him. The Doctor was a well respected man! He had lots of powerful friends, not the least of which are us! Just be happy that it was only the Yankee Doodle that you had to face at Planet USA. If you had met her sister, hoooo boy! I knooooow! said Katrina. I heard that she gave up leadership of her planet to marry Doctor X. Can you believe it?! Steve nodded as he juggled six different hats at once. And then this dick goes and kills her hubby to be. Rouuuugh!

Hennick had heard enough. Oh my god, your gossip is so boring! Using his great hurricane jump strength, he leapt up at Steve and launched a mighty punch at the twin. Steve swiftly avoided the blow though, which gave Katrina the opening she needed. Halifax Jig! She flew towards Hennick and began kicking him in the back rapidly, look like she was performing a dance as she pummeled him! Fortunately, Hennick was a tough sumbitch and was able to retaliate by grabbing Katrina off his back and used a hurricane punch to launch her into the pillar she had previously been standing on, crumbling it into dust. Katie! Steve shouted. Are you alright?! He ran over to the rubble where he found his partner and pulled her out of the debris. Waaaah! she cried. He really is a jerk! I heard that he hit women, but I didn t believe it! That s nothing, Steve riposted. I heard he even beats babies. I heard he beats babies and their mothers at the same time. Aggravated by the taunts of the Halifax Twins, Hennick flung a large hurricane their way in order to shut them up. Of course, they were only feigning inattention and dodged this attack as well, causing the hurricane to merely break the wall behind them. From behind it, a dozen eyes glowed red in the dark as Hennick squinted to see what it could possibly be. You know what else I hear? Steve whispered to Katrina loudly. What s that bro? Hennick began to tremble in fear as the creature emerged. I heard that he s afraid of spiders! Steve said with a sly smirk on his face. Really? Katrina gasped in mock surprise. Itty bitty widdle spiders? Out from the hole Hennick had created emerged a gigantic mechanical spider, dripping poison from its murderous fangs. I knooooow! said Steve, now completely unable to restrain his laughter. What kind of man is that? I bet the Doctor is spinning in his grave for losing to this pansy!

Spinning like a spider spins its web! an equally amused Katrina added as she fell to the ground in stitches. Frozen in fear, Hennick could not even lift a finger to attack the robotic construct that threatened him. The spider lifted one of its enormous metal legs and in a flash thrust it downwards! GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! The bloodcurdling scream resonated throughout the entire pirate ship, and all of Fuchsia Tech heard it immediately. So spooked by the scream was Rochelle that she began running in circles in a panic, before finally exploding and destroying the caf that she and Lee were in. This broke the wall down to the next room and as Lee pulled herself out from the exploded kitten and puppy corpses, she saw to her horror Hennick impaled by a giant spider leg through his chest. Halifax Twins! she shouted in a rage. Is there no limit to your evils? Hiya indie chick! Katrina said in a sing-song voice. You wanna play with spidey too? He s real friendly and still has 7 legs left! But just then, Hai-Fung appeared on the spider s back! Yuck! Better squash you. He pulled off one of his shoes and smacked a giant robot with it with such force that it exploded into pieces! Guess I d better squash you two, too, yawned Hai-Fung towards the Halifax Twins, as a nervous sweat began to drip down their faces.

Chapter 22: More Like the Asshole Twins!

Hai-Fung, having finished destroying the giant spider, wasted no time in running straight up the vertical column that Steve of the Halifax Twins was standing on. Upon reaching the top, Steve shrieked in horror as he saw Hai-Fung s epic fist charging towards him! Of course, he was only faking his surprise, and Hai-Fung s attack was countered by Katrina, who booted him in the face with her steel spikebottomed dancing shoes. He was sent flying and landed on the ground below, just mildly injured. Before he could get up though, Steve pressed a button on a remote that he pulled out from his pocket and a pair of clamps emerged from the ground, clasping tightly around Hai-Fung s balls. NRRRR! My oompa-loompas! Hai-Fung yelped in pain. Seeing that Fung was in a bind, Lee spat out Rochelle and flung her at the Halifax twins. The g-forces caused Rochelle s face to be pulled back as her eyelids flapped wildly backwards, like a bald man s toupee in a strong wind. Her teeth chattered in fear and she was on the verge of exploding when Katrina reached into her backpack and pulled out a pouch of catnip, which she then flung at Rochelle. The drug calmed her down and she softly fell in Katrina s arms without blowing up. Katrina scratched her furry belly, appeasing the unstable kitty cat, and placed her inside of her backpack on top of a pile of laundry. Unfortunately for Lee, she couldn t throw up another Rochelle until she blows up the current one, so this left her without her kitty bomb abilities. I can still fight! Lee said defiantly. She put on a pair of kitten-shaped mittens and, like a cat climbing a tree, scaled the column on which both Halifax Twins both stood. Cat paw punch! Lee thrusted both her fists towards Steve, but he merely took off one of his many hats and blocked the blow. Steve giggled like a schoolgirl and said This hat was weaved from the pubes of Abraham Lincoln himself! His mighty man hairs were known to be stronger than steel, and he was able to use them to tie battleships to piers! Your weak punch is nothing compared to the underbrush that grew about his Lincoln log! He then booted Lee in the gut and sent her careening to the ground below, helpless to stop her fall! Just then, Justyn barged through the wall and caught Lee. You tricked me, Asshole Twins! he said, with his voice quivering in disappointment. That wasn t Nikki Sixx! It was his porn star equivalent, Stikki Dixx!

The Halifax Twins braced themselves to take out Justyn next when another one of the walls melted and Myriam emerged from behind it, wearing one of the new dresses she constructed. Get these fucking things off of me, god dammit! Hai-Fung shouted to his fellow FTers as he tried in vain to remove the clamps from his testicles. Myriam used her mighty acid hands and started to melt the tall pillar that the Twins were standing on, in order to bring them down to Earth. They were unfazed by this attempt however, and Katrina merely reached into her bag and threw what appeared to be several tablets at the acid lady. They hit Myriam and she bellowed in pain before collapsing on the floor, her acid body turning back into her normal weak human one. T-tums! Myriam groaned. Antacids are my greatest weakness! It was now up to Justyn. He rode his guitar like a hoverboard and drove at Katrina, intending to impale her on the guitar s spear-like headstock. However, Steve easily countered the move by firing his Hat Parade, knocking him back. A new column rushed out of the ground and Steve flew to it using winged hats on his feet. Now s our chance! Lee shouted to Justyn. With the twins separated, they can t coordinate their attacks as easily anymore! Justyn nodded in agreement and picked Lee up onto his hoverguitar. They both flew at Katrina and prepared to attack from both sides simultaneously, leaving her unable to defend. Lee leapt off the hoverguitar and using the wall like a springboard, rebounded and attacked Katrina s back while Justyn kept charging at her front. However, two of Steve s Abe Lincoln pube hats appeared in front of their fists, blocking the attacks perfectly! Katrina then countered by performing the splits while handstanding and kicking both Lee and Justyn repeatedly. Blood gushed from their bodies as Katrina s spiked shoes dug into their flesh and they fell to the ground below. How are they still coordinated? Lee asked herself, flustered that none of their attacks seemed to work. Whatever, replied Justyn. I ll just break them down with my rock! Justyn began soloing on his guitar wildly, causing the entire ground to shake underneath them. It seemed as if attacking like this was finally the solution, but the Halifax Twins were still unbothered. Katrina reached into her backpack and pulled out an MP3 player, which she tossed to Steve. He hooked it up to one of his hats, which

contained a speaker, and began playing one of the tracks loudly. A messy guitar solo rang out a single note over and over and Justyn began to feel weak. N-not Neil Young! Justyn cried out as he fell to one knee, unable to play his heavy metal any longer. I don t get it. How are they able to come up with these plans without even talking to each other? I ve got a better question, replied Hai-Fung. Why isn t someone taking these damn things off of my balls?! It was then that Lee noticed something. She saw that the Halifax Twins were in fact talking softly and that somehow they could hear each other. I ve got it! Lee used her kitty gloves to scale Steve s column and quickly snatched something from his neck using her cat burglar powers. They have hidden walkie-talkies! Now they can t communicate anymore! How is that a walkie-talkie? Steve asked. Lee looked down and noticed that what she thought was a communication device was in fact a taser covered in retractable razor blades! The Halifax Twins laughed out loud as Lee was simultaneously cut and electrocuted, collapsing on the ground below and losing consciousness. Man, she sure had some crazy ideas. I hear all that shitty music she listens to permanently damaged her brain, Katrina replied. I hear her mind was already damaged and that s why she became an indie record producer, Steve added with a chuckle. God dammit, you re both going to die so hard! Justyn screamed, shaking off the effects of the Neil Young track and riding his guitar board towards Steve. Steve prepared to block when he heard Katrina through his hidden headset. Don t move! I ve got this one covered. Steve stood there cockily, fully knowing that Justyn would be cut off by his teammate. However, Katrina did nothing and Steve was clotheslined in the face my Justyn s rockin bicep! The impact knocked him over, but he maintained his balance on the pillar. Katrina looked at Steve curiously. Then prepared to leap over and help him. But Steve interrupted her over their headsets. Stay there, he

said. I ve got this one. Stay there and don t do anything. She shrugged and watched as Justyn picked up Steve and put him in a chokehold. Errrrgh! Steve groaned, as the blood supply began to be cut off to his brain. Katie, how do I get out of this? I ve got an idea! she replied over the communicator. Let go of Hai-Fung s balls. With him loose, I ll be able to create an opening and take them both out. Steve didn t understand in the least, but decided to give his partner the benefit of the doubt. He pulled out the controller and released the mighty grip on Fung s junk, granting him a degree of relief that he had never experienced in his life. To him, it felt like taking a 45 minute shit while smoking a blunt and getting a blowjob all at once. Justyn was surprised by this, but did not release his hold, nor did Katrina come to Steve s aid as she promised. Aggravated by his partner, Steve used a lead hat as a blunt object and used it to beat Justyn off of him and send him crashing to the ground below. What the fuck is wrong with you?! Steve shouted at Katrina. I should ask you the same thing! Katrina shouted back. What the fuck did you release Hai-Fung for?! Because you told me to, you stupid bitch! No I didn t! I just stood there and watched like you told me to! At that moment, a snorting chuckle was heard by both Halifax Twins over their communicators. Who is this?! they both asked in unison. Heh heh *snort* heh! You re both totally retarded! At his PC, Mickey D sat there conquering Diablo s forces with one hand while hacking into the Halifax Twins communications network with the other. Katrina started to scream in a rage, but Steve remained calm and stroked his chin. Trying to hack our system, eh? he said. Not the best idea.

No sooner did he say this that on Mickey D s monitor appeared a large red warning that read SECURITY BREACH! The computer exploded violently, sending Mickey D flying and he crashed into the room where the battle with the Twins was currently being fought. My saved data passing out. With Lee, Justyn, Myriam and Mickey D all knocked out or badly wounded, the Halifax Twins decided to end the torture. Steve yanked a bomb hat off of his head and prepared to launch it at the helpless Future Techers, ending their quest for their Dio Stones. Before he could throw however, a hand grasped his wrist. It s go time! said Hai-Fung as he rubbed generous portions of salve on his testicles. He drew his hand backwards like an arrow being cocked into a bow. Steve prepared by taking off his Abe Lincoln pube hat. Hai-Fung unloaded with a devastating right fist, but Steve blocked it easily with his hat. You see! This hat is stronger than any Hai-Fung s epic fist ripped right through the hat and his fist connected with Steve s face, sending him flying!!! Katrina wasn t able to move in time and she was bowled over by Steve s body and they both crashed on the ground below! As they both weakly picked each other up, they saw Hai-Fung and the other FTers standing on front of them and they both ran into the center of the room. However, Mickey D, Myriam, Lee, Justyn and Hai-Fung surrounded the two of them. Steve and Katrina fell down to their knees and started crying while hugging each other tightly for support. P-please don t kill us! they pleaded. Hai-Fung thought about it for about 3 milliseconds before pulling his amazingly powerful fist back once more! However, the Halifax Twins still had a trump card up their sleeve! They pushed two large red buttons on the floor at the same time and suddenly a chandelier came crashing down from the ceiling! Instantly and tragically, all of the FTers were crushed to death! Steve and Katrina survived by being in the center of the room, where they harmlessly passed through a hole in the chandelier. What a bunch of rubes! Katrina laughed as she wiped the fake tears from her eyes. I hear they believed in the tooth fairy! quipped Steve. I hear they believed in Santa Claus! added Katrina. he said before

I hear they still wet the bed too, said Steve. I hear that you two SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP! The Halifax looked down and to their amazement, the Fuchsia Techers were alive and well on the floor below them! At the last second, Myriam s acid powers came back and she was able to burn a hole through the ground, saving everyone! Fed up, the Twins pulled out machine guns from Katrina s backpack and got ready to finish off FT once and for all. But fate would not allow them to! In his Zen training room, Kelvin finally tripped out to the point where he didn t think he had a volcano on his arm anymore and, believing it would be safe to do so, removed the seal on his arm. The volcano s fury had been mounting since the fight with Jackson, and reached its boiling point. It exploded with a fiery rage, blowing down the last wall to the room where the Halifax Twins were situated and incinerating them in a burning stream of lava! As the flesh cooked off Steve and Katrina s bones, Rochelle woke up inside of Katrina s backpack. The intensity of the volcano blast spooked her into exploding, doubly killing the Halifax Twins and making their corpses completely unrecognizable! Just for good measure, everyone in FT took turns pissing on the ash pile that was once their bodies. With their urine dousing the red hot embers sufficiently, Mickey D reached in and pulled from the pile the two Dio Stones they sought! First mate Simon! a deckhand shouted aboard the bridge of the ship. The Twins have died! First mate Simon swallowed in fear as he knew what this meant. He grabbed the bridge s microphone and screamed to the ship s remaining crew Abandon ship! The Twins are dead! Abandon ship! Being sore losers, The Halifax Twins had rigged the Cleveland Steamer to explode should their hearts ever stop functioning. Knowing he would not have time to reach an escape vessel, First Mate Simon decided to take the honorable route: He killed the deckhand and put his torso on his head and ran around pretending to be a dinosaur! Fuchsia Tech was in a bind as well. With Kelvin coming down and having reestablished the seal on his arm, everyone in the raiding party was back together in the same place. However, there was no way they could run fast enough to make it back to the Tenga Eggplorer they had arrived in. Leave it to me!

Barely alive, Hennick had fallen down along with everyone else when Myriam burned through the floor. He was in dire need of medical attention, but he could hardly afford to sit back and relax. Using what little strength he had left in his body, he generated the biggest hurricane he could muster and fired it at Fuchsia Tech! The winds sent them sailing to the far end of the Cleveland Steamer and gave them a shot at getting back to the Eggsplorer on time! His task completed and the last of his energy depleted, Hennick passed away with a smile on his face. Then he pooped himself. And the poop smelled. Flies were attracted to the poop and started to eat it. They then laid their eggs which, if the ship was not just about to explode, would have hatched into maggots and Hennick s pants would have been filled with shit and writhing maggots. In other words, he died a hero. Fuchsia Tech reached their ship in the nick of time and took off just as the Cleveland Steamer blew up and joined the space dust. Their mission complete, everyone wept for their dear departed friend as they flew back to the Fax to join their comrades they had left behind for being too weak. Their assessment was a valid one it should seem, for when they arrived on the Fax they found all of their friends completely beat up and laying unconscious on the ground. I knew it! Lee growled. The Twins must have sent their pirate gang to rough them up while we were gone! BZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Wrong answer, chicky-poo! On top of a hill stood Frank Lajeunesse, grasping Sop by the head! Who wants some, BITCHES?!

Chapter 23: Frank the Tank

Frank grasped Sop s head in his meaty right hand while chugging multiple beers with the other. Each series of chugs was followed by several emphatic fist pumps and caveman-like grunts, expressing his wild and rowdy nature that made him one of the most beloved and most hated men in the universe. To Fuchsia Tech at this moment, he was falling in the latter camp. Noticing that the FTers who had just arrived in the Tenga Eggplorer weren t cheering his raucous drinking on, Frank decided to get serious. With a squeeze of his right hand, he collapsed poor Sop s head like a watermelon being run over by an 18-wheeler and allowed the headless body to fall to the ground and roll down the hill, bumping into Justyn s leg. OHHHHH YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW! Justyn screamed as he charged up the hill at Frank. But even in his mighty glam metal rocker form, Justyn Vynn was of no match against Frank the Tank, who was said to be the wildest amongst the already outrageous Party Hardy Boys. A big boot to the face was all it took to send Justyn firing down the hill like a rocket with a dozen or so of his pearly whites now adorning the sole of Frank s shoe. Mickey D, Myriam and Lee could only stand and tremble in fear. Mickey D asked, H-how the fuck did you survive? I saw Evgueni kill you back at Luis Leao s Space Temple! Eeeeeeh tabarnak! You think a thousand tons of rock falling on me is enough to kill me? Criss d ostie, you Fuchsia Tech pussies are so god damn lame! That s why you ll never be as great as me! I just stowed away by hanging on to Vince s taint as you flew through space. It was smelly and slimy, but I made it here motherfuckers! Now which one of you pissants do I kill next? Suck a bag of dicks! Hai-Fung, the only one not cowering in fear from Frank s might, charged up the hill and nailed Frank across the chin, taking him aback and nearly knocking the indestructible beast down! Thus is the power of the Fung! But the power of Frank the Tank is not one to be trifled with either! One of the strongest of the Party Hardy Boys, he had the potential to lead the group if it weren t for his unstable nature. Frank could be kicking back with his buddies drinking the contents of a two-four one minute and ripping open a baby s skull to shit in it the next. The alcohol doesn t get him drunk; only angrier! Binge drinking for so long and to such absurd levels have made his body capable of processing the liquor as quickly as he

ingests it, giving him the strongest liver known to mankind. Instead of inebriating and slowing him down, the booze actually fortifies Frank and makes him even stronger! And so Frank calmly shook off the effects of Hai-Fung s punch, forgetting the pain by chugging three forties of Black Label Big Ten in 2.1 seconds. He retaliated by inserting his foot right into Hai-Fung s bread basket, immediately taking the wind out of his sails, and following it up by taking both fists and delivering a hammering blow to the back of Hai-Fung s head. This dropped FT s finest warrior to one knee, but wasn t enough to knock him out. Jumping up from a crouching position, Hai-Fung uppercutted Frank hard in the jaw, sending his face skyward with the impact. In return, Frank grabbed Hai-Fung s head with both hands and headbutted him hard in the nose, shattering it and causing a waterfall of blood to explode forth. Hai-Fung can t do this alone! Mickey D exclaimed. He wanted to help, but had a feeling that this was a fight beyond even his level. Still, no one else there would be able to give Fung the helping hand he needed, so he decided to enter the fray. However, Bianca grabbed the cuff Mickey D s pant leg and stopped him. Wait she groaned, barely able to move as one of her balls was fissured open by Frank s

incredible assault. Give Sam a beer Mickey D yelled What re you talking about?! You know Sam is a huge pussy who can t drink any beer! Trust me Bianca replied before passing out. Deciding to give it a try (after all, losing Sam

wouldn t be that big a loss), Mickey D slammed the contents of one of Frank s Molson 10.1% that happened to roll down the hill in the midst of the scuffle down Sam s gullet. Like Popeye with his signature spinach, Sam was immediately healed and energized by the brew, and blazed up the hill at unheard of speeds in order to throw his hat into the ring! A flying dropkick later resulted in Frank being knocked backwards with two boot imprints left in his chest! Sacrament! You re fittin to die, motherfucker! Frank ran at Sam in a blind rage, leaving him too concentrated to notice Hai-Fung s devastating karate kick to his head! With Frank stumbling in pain, Sam jumped in the air and elbow dropped him across the back, cause several vertebrae to crack with a sound that laid somewhere between bubble wrap popping and Captain Crunch being chewed. Frank

was still on his feet however, and flung both his fists forwards at his opponents. Fung and Sam caught the fists and they both delivered counter punches directly into Frank s face! These sent Frank flying backwards and for the first time he was knocked to the ground! Th-they got him! Lee shrieked in joy. She looked over to Mickey D and Myriam, expecting them to be equally excited about their victory. Instead, all she saw was a nervous sweat on both of their faces. I think we may be fucked was all that Mickey D could manage to say.

A black aura began to surround Frank as he stood up, wiping the blood from his face. In all of his life, he had been the deliverer of much humiliation and pain, but never had he been subjected to this level of humiliation himself. Now Fuchsia Tech could not leave without being torn to shreds, let alone alive! He stepped forward and with a wave of his hand, the wind pressure was enough to send Hai-Fung and Sam rolling down the hill. Don t worry! shouted Lee in support. You two are winning this fight! You can still beat him if you team up. Fate was not on FT s side that day though. Hai-Fung had been awake and fighting ever since the raid on Halifax Twins ship. Two whole hours! He could not maintain this level of energy any longer and before he could stand up, he fell backwards and started to sleep like a baby. This meant it was up to Sam! However, without any tolerance to alcohol yet, he began to feel quite sick and threw up all over the ground and on himself. This sobered him up enough to turn him back into the hot-headed weakling he usually was. It s Sam s turn to shine! he screamed as he leapt at Frank with an apparent suicide wish. Frank was about to explode him into a meaty pulp with a flick of his finger when Myriam jumped in the way and took the blow. She fully expected her acid body to melt Frank s finger, but instead felt the full brunt of the impact and was sent flying back. Frank s finger on the other hand, was fully intact. Shiiiiiiit tabarnak! When you ve handled as much nasty pussy as I have over the years, your fingers can handle anything! Sam came at him again, but all Frank had to do was fart and it broke Sam s ribs. This left Mickey D as the only conscious member of FT left remaining. Frank slowly began to walk down the hill, approaching Mickey D and threatening to end his life in a heartbeat.

Oho ho ho, quite the bind we are in! Mickey D turned around and saw Kelvin on the ground with his legs crossed Indian style. Monk Kelvin, use your arm on that guy! Blow him up with your volcano! But Kelvin shook his head. My fires burn no stronger than Myriam s acid. It would be fruitless. With that, Mickey D resigned himself to death and decided to at least go down fighting. Your burning heart on the other hand, Kelvin added, is more than enough to conquer his evil. Think of the spirit of Fuchsia Tech, and victory can still be had. Mickey D had no idea what the opium-addled mind of the crazy chinaman could be referring to at first, but then it clicked! Luis pubes! Mickey D reached into his sack (not THAT one) and pulled forth the first of the sacred scrotum hairs. Praying that it would be enough, he blew it towards Frank who at first did not even notice the tiny follicle floating his way. Jesus H fucking Christ, did you just throw a pube at me?! shouted Frank in disgust. A great bolt of light exploded forth, blinding everyone temporarily! When their vision had cleared, a large, well-built black man stood there in a g-string, his arms folded across his chest. Who in the FUCK are you? asked Frank. I AM CHOCOLATE LUIS! spoke the entity. I AM LUIS LEAO S STRIPPER FORM! NOW YOU AND I MUST DO COMBAT! Bring it on, bitch! With a snap of his fingers, Chocolate Luis summoned forth two cases of Bacardi 151 and one fell to each of their feet. DRINK FORTH FROM THE BOTTOMLESS CASE! THE FIRST TO BE UNABLE TO CONSUME ANOTHER BEVERAGE WILL BE DECREED THE LOSER! Frank laughed his ass off upon hearing this. You want a drinking contest? Against me?! Brother, you are crrrrrrrrrrazy! Frank eagerly popped open the first bottle of overproof rum and in the blink of an eye, it was swallowed up. Chocolate Luis matched the feat easily. Both took turns grabbing a bottle

from within the case and chugged it as quickly as they could. In spite of being a box that looked like it could only hold twelve liquor bottles, each time either man would reach in it the supply would be replenished. And so the contest dragged on for hours, neither man giving so much as an inch to the other. Mickey D watched on, sweating profusely from the intensity. Short on breath, Mickey D said Damn, they re both incredible! A normal person would have gotten alcohol poisoning after drinking just one of those bottles. They must have had at least three hundred each so far. I feel like I m about to pass out before they do! Frank drank his bottle and then smashed in on the ground in glee. See that! Not drunk yet! You can t win so why don t you just give up?! Chocolate Luis picked up a bottle and eyed in carefully. YOU VE GOT A POINT THERE. I BELIEVE THIS WILL BE MY LAST BOTTLE. Frank laughed like a hyena in heat. I m going to win this! NO SIR, Chocolate Luis replied in a velvety smooth voice befitting of his name. YOU HAVE LOST. YOU OVERESTIMATE YOUR ABILITY TO HOLD YOUR LIQUOR. Frank was fuming at the accusation, but when he tried to step forward object and tear out Chocolate Luis heart, he stumbled and fell to his hands and knees. Wondering what was wrong with him, he stared down at his hands and noticed they were both clear and translucent, as if sacks of water. YOUR BODY HAS MET ITS MATCH. YOU DRANK SO HEAVILY THAT NOW YOUR ENTIRE BODY IS MADE OF ALCOHOL. IT IS OVER FOR YOU, SIR. Chocolate Luis drank down his bottle of Bacardi, all the while flexing his enormous pectoral muscles wildly. As they flexed, his man mammaries rubbed against each other until they started to generate sparks like a flint! No! Frank screamed in a wildly panicked voice. He tried to get away, but could no longer control his body in the least! MUSCLE SPARK! Chocolate Luis placed his hands behind his head in a sexy pose and thrust his chest forward. A large spark blasted forward and struck Frank in the back, immediately igniting him in a blazing blue flame! So potent was the alcohol in his body that in less than ten seconds, there was

nothing left but a smoldering black outline on the ground. His job done, Chocolate Luis evaporated along with the pube. Fuchsia Tech won again! Mickey D breathed a sigh of relief and began to revive his friends. We re finally done this fight. We can leave now. Not quite yet! said a mysterious voice. This sent Mickey D into hysterics. AWH FUCK, SERIOUSLY?! WHAT NOW?!

Chapter 24: The Incredible Smashley

Mickey D, one of only three FTers still left standing, squinted and looked at the man who had just interrupted their victory. Hey, I remember you! Indeed you should! Stephane replied. The Opium Mafia second-in-command bowed courteously to Mickey D. You must have assumed I died along with Godfather Jimmy, Ajmal and Edens when Souligna blew up our ship above Planet USA. I am a resourceful man, however, and was able to escape with my life. One thing that my infinite talents are not capable of, though, is forgiving you for destroying our enterprise! Mickey D calmly scratched his balls and yawned. So, uh, why don t you go cry about it somewhere else? From what I remember, I could totally rape your ass into next Tuesday. In spite of the insult, Stephane merely wagged a finger while smirking like only a true asshole could. Now then I wouldn t be able to complete my revenge! And now that I see you all so beat up and helpless, how could I pass up the opportunity? Especially when I met someone who hates you as much as I do. Mickey D cocked his eyebrow while Kelvin calmly sipped tea and with Lee s help administered Chinese balms to the wounds of all the injured FTers. Sadly, his balm did not cure Sop s exploded head and so he remained dead. You see, Stephane continued, the Yankey Doodle had a sister. A sister who loved her like a sister. However, she was a little, let us say, less mentally capable than even the Yankey Doodle. The Doodle tricked her own sister to fetch a quart of milk on the farthest star on the edge of the galaxy and like the doting sibling that she was, she went. When she came back a year later, she found that her beloved blood relation had been eviscerated by a gang of savage hooligans! She was beyond consolation when I found her, cradling her dear departed sister s corpse in her arms. That s when I told her who committed this evil act! All of a sudden, a meteor fell from the sky and crashed into the ground! The impact sent Mickey D flying back and scattered the injured FTers every which way. Mickey D lifted himself up off the ground and looked at the cause of the impact and was horrified by what he saw. There stood a twelve foot tall

woman, with entirely green skin, rippling biceps like tree trunks and powerful legs the size of school buses! WHAT IN THE FUCK?! Meet Smashley Doodle! Stephane said with another bow. Your timing is impeccable, darling! These are the cowards who dealt that harsh deathblow upon your gentle sister s skull. SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHLEY! The behemoth charged at Mickey D, who attempted to brace himself for the impact. However, in spite of his own intense strength, he was no match and was shoulder tackled through a damn mountain! Barely pulling himself out of the rubble, he was just able to tilt his head upwards when he saw Smashley s tombstone-sized foot curb-stomp his face into the ground! She tossed his devastated body back to where his comrades lay and bellowed loudly. Calm down, sis! A meek-looking leprechaun merrily pranced over to Stephane s side, giggling like a three-foot tall schoolgirl. Ah, ain t she a charming lass? Very charming, Kris, replied Stephane. But let us conclude our business here so that we may work on more pressing matters. Our agreement is that you get your sister s Dio Stone and I get any others they may have on them. Of course, Stephane omitted the part where the Party Hardy Boys had already stolen the Dio Stone shard belonging to the Yankey Doodle. Kris slapped his knee and danced around, waving his shillelagh about. Awh don t be a spoil sport! No reason we can t have a grand ol time! But Smashley could barely contain her limitless rage. She lifted a boulder and prepared to grind Mickey D to a paste under it when her arms were suddenly tied up by a mysterious object. It was Wilfred s mustache! I kinda like that guy! You re mean! Wilfred yelled as angrily as a generally jovial man possibly can. However, Ashley easily snapped the mustache in two as if they were made of gentle thread. She stomped the ground with such an impact that it caused a crevice to open up in the ground, sucking in all of the unconscious FTers. Wilfred quickly used his mustache to create a net and catch everyone before they fell into the boiling center of the planet s core. Dammit Smashley! Stephane berated her. If you kill them like that we ll never get the Dio Stone shards! Kris hopped over to the crevice and jumped down in order to steal the stones from the

suspended FTers. Wilfred wanted to interfere, but it was taking all of his strength just to keep his friends aloft. There was still hope however! Lee quickly assessed the situation and jumped down the fissured earth as well, leaving Rochelle behind. Kitty? said Smashley as she walked over and picked up Rochelle. Kiiiitty! She began to stroke the furry animal with one of her pillar-sized fingers, rubbing its back like a camper rubs sticks together in order to start a fire. Needless to say, the easily spooked Rochelle was perturbed by this and exploded like feline dynamite. When the smoke cleared, Smashley was virtually undamaged aside from missing the index finger she used to pet Rochelle. In spite of being such a mighty beast though, she was still highly upset and began running around crying. IT HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTS! She ran at Stephane who screamed like a schoolgirl as Smashley ran him over, decimating his body in the process. In the pit, Lee put on her cat gloves and faced off again Kris. She knew their only chance against Smashley was to pull off the same trick Mickey D had done against Frank and summon one of the forms of Luis Leao. Michey D had the other pubes on his person so she would have to dispatch this nuisance before being about to acquire them. The tiny leprechaun was far more resilient than his tiny appearance let on, though! In the blink of an eye, he ran up to Lee and bonked her on the head with his shillelagh, busting her forehead open and causing her to stumble back. She barely caught herself before she would have fallen backwards into the gaping abyss below! Seeing his opponent had her back on the ropes and was about to fall to her demise, Kris made another lunge forward, this time brandishing a knife he had hidden within his walking stick. However, this was all a ploy! Lee did a backflip off of the mustache net and grabbed onto the wall with her kitten mitten claws, grabbing onto it like a cat grabs onto a tree trunk. Kris momentum took him forward where he tumbled into the endless blackness. Smashley heard her brother s scream as he fell to his demise and she looked down to see what was happening. BROTHER! FUN STUFF DOWN THERE?! She leapt down into the abyss as well, fortunately falling past the net, sparing the FTers from being dragged down. Unfortunately, the fissure began to close, threatening to crush all of the knocked out Fuchsia Techers. Putting all his might into a final heave-ho, Wilfred yanked everyone up to safety, but tore his mustache off in the process. The crevasse closed as Lee climbed out in the nick of time as well. We we did it! said Wilfred, exhausted from the effort.

You did great Wilfred, said Lee shyly. Wilfred walked over, but before he could passionately kiss the unconscious Mickey D, the ground exploded underneath them and Smashley emerged unscathed! BROOOOOOOOTHER NOT HAVING FUN! BROTHER DEAD! SMASH YOU ALL! With another great foot stomp, the ground quaked once more and the shockwave sent Lee flying. This left just Wilfred, who stood there in a panic. His mustache was already rapidly growing back, but would not be able to stop Smashley anyways. That is when he saw the pubes resting in Mickey D s pocket. Luis Leao, we need your glorious whiskers once more! But Monk Kelvin restrained Wilfred s hand, preventing him from using the pubes. Great monk, why do you restrain me. Kelvin chuckled Asianly, as he often did. Ohohoho! The time has not yet come to use those. You people have done well to secure most of the Dio Stones, but remember that one remains and that another has been stolen from you. Many hardships await, but if you believe in your heart you shall gain great success. I I understand! said Wilfred. Both men shed rugged tears, showing a great bond of manliness between the two. The tears mixed together and Kelvin caught them in a wine glass. Drink this, he said, and you will have mastered all of my dark Mustache Fu. Wilfred drank the tears deeply, causing a great flood of knowledge to come over him and his Fu Manchu to become long and thick like a pair of willow branches. Kelvin nodded in approval. To get the final Dio Stone shard, you must face the Nasty Demon Guy who cursed my arm. Use my techniques wisely, my son. Now I leave you! Monk Kelvin calmly walked towards Smashley, as if a man walking down death row resigned to his fate.

I SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH LITTLE MAN! Smashley bellowed.

You think so? Kelvin asked. Ohohohohoho! Smashley paused upon hearing him laugh, then began to laugh herself. Ohohohohohohohoho! Kelvin continued, turning his slight chuckle into a full on belly laugh. This made Smashley fall on her hands and knees in an uncontrollable fit of laughter. With the monster now restrained, Kelvin unbound the seal around his volcano arm and came faceto-face with Smashley. With a great heave, he somehow German Suplexed her into his own arm, driving them both into the depths of the volcano, trapped for eternity. Wilfred could not stop shedding tears, and sacrificed a great many adorable lambs and delicious looking cats as a tribute to the amazing monk. Fuchsia Tech began to stir and Myriam began to properly tend to their wounds. Within an hour, everyone was bandaged up and feeling better, albeit with terrible acid burns. We should go, said Mickey D. BUT WAIT! A NEW OPPONENT APPEARED! Ha ha ha, my name is Peter Dimitropoulis! I m here to kill you guys for causing shit on the Planetary Republic of Hellas! Suddenly, a bolt of lightning, a crashing plane and a meteor struck Peter all at the same time, annihilating him entirely. Fuchsia Tech ignored what just happened and fixed up Vince before heading on their way. Aboard Vince, they counted the survivors of their expedition thus far. Somehow Antoine and Clyde were still alive, as well as the mighty, but fairly apathetic Mickey D, the rocking god Justyn Vynn, acid nurse Myriam, stone-balled Bianca, the crazy when drunk Sam, Mustache Fu successor Wilfred, sleepy Hai-Fung and cat lady Lee. The amount of losses they had suffered was staggering. Since the beginning, Tommy, Juliano, Eliel, Eric, Evgueni and Sop had all fallen as well as many of their new allies like Hennick, Kelvin and Cody. Nevertheless, they would press on for the sake of brining back that most talented and wise of all leaders: Pittaro! Uh, hey, can I join you guys too? Everyone turned around and noticed Massud was hanging out inside of Vince, chilling on a beanbag chair. When HPS had raped Vince and lost its dick in the process, Massud was trapped inside of Vince s asshole. Fortunately, he was able to navigate the dark, sinister

corridors and found his way out to safety before Vince ejected the robo-cock during his next bowel movement. Sure thing! Antoine happily replied. They gave each other high-fives and played some foosball.

Chapter 25: Antoine and Clyde s Frolicking Adventure!

With the location of the last Dio Stone still a mystery, Fuchsia Tech made their way to the Church of the Load in order to obtain more advice from the ever wise and benevolent C-Load. Upon arriving though, they found the Load s chamber empty and the Ass of Destiny closed. What s going on? asked Mickey D. You! This is all your fault! All eyes turned to the doorway where Oliver stood there shaking a tightly clenched fist. Ever since you jokers came and took audience with his benevolent Loadness, he has been acting strangely. Then just yesterday, he up and vanished! Well I won t let this stand! I ll punish you bastards! Behold my mighty Just then, the Ass of Destiny took a giant shit and dumped all over the enraged acolyte, burying him up to his neck in soft, foul fecal matter. The horrid stench forced its way into their noses and reminded Fuchsia Tech of their homeworld, making everyone quite homesick. Seeing as how C-Load was not present, they decided to leave to the time being and return to Planet QA. No sooner had FT arrived back home that they saw a gang of surly thugs standing there to meet them. These were the Pecan Sandies, one of the tougher gangs on QA. In the past, they had used FT as their whipping boys, beating them and embarrassing them at every possible occasion. After all, humiliating Fuchsia Tech was like a national pastime on this planet of thuggish goons. Their leader was Bobo Bowden, a clown in every sense of the word. Aside from playing unfortunate pranks on his victims, he would dress up in oversized shoes and wear preposterous wigs for reasons unknown. His second-in-command was Nick Camillo, also known as Purple Rain because he could cut people with his mighty sword and make it rain their blood everywhere. Also, he was super down with Prince. Rounding out the army were Wissem The Herbal Warrior who was well versed in the art of concocting potions and poisons, and Steve Morin, a ultimate hardass known for having an ass so hard it could smash boulders! Wasssssuuuuuuuuupp?! Bowden squealed, spinning around rapidly while thumping his chest. We missed you chumps! Ready for the Tuesday Surprise? FT dreaded hearing that. The Tuesday Surprise consisted of having everyone in FT piled up on top of each other while each of the Pecan Sandies would take turns climbing to the top of the pile and jump off

whilst rubbing their naked asses on their faces on the way down. Been so long since I had a Tuesday Special, said Nick, staring off and thinking fondly of their past abuse of FT. You guys are going to wish I wiped my ass this week. The Sandies came at FT like they usually did, so Sam charged at them first as he always did. Predictably, he was pummeled into the ground. That is when something strange happened! Bianca used her balls as a hammer and drove a shocked Nick into the ground like a stake! Wilfred unwound his marvelous mustache, which had grown to epic levels on the trip over, and whipped Wissem, opening up a deep X -shaped gash on his chest. Then Justyn played a wild solo and Steve collapsed from the intensity. Bowden stood there, his mouth agape, when he saw Myriam shamble over towards him in her acid monster body. These guys is craaaaaaaaaaazy! Let s get out of here! He helped his boys up and in a flash they had run away squealing like frightened schoolgirls. Victory had come again for Fuchsia Tech! Not only that, but fairly easy to boot! It was then that they realized how strong they had become. Mickey D and Hai-Fung were always pretty badass, but now even Bianca, Wilfred, Myriam and Justyn could hold their own. Sam had uncovered his inner strength when consuming beer and they had added Lee to their roster as well. Suddenly Fuchsia Tech was dare we say cool! Of course, Antoine was the first to start bragging in spite of having nothing to actually brag about himself. Awwwwwh shit, we jus kicked dere asses to da moon! Ain t dat right boys? Clyde, always there to immediately agree with his best buddy and mentor Antoine, started to point at him and shout YOU DA MAN! In the past, the FTers would listen to Antoine because they too were weak and stupid like he was and did not know any better. That was the reason that they had made him their leader after Pittaro had passed on. But now that they had surpassed Antoine in every way possible, they decided to ignore him and begin discussing their next plans on their own. Yo Clyde! said Antoine once everyone else had chosen to ignore him. Now dat we s all strong n awesome n stuff, we s should get back our Dio Stone from dose whack Party Hardy Boys! Clyde pumped him fist repeatedly in agreement, and they dashed off to the Party Hardy Boys hideout. It was a half hour before anyone in FT noticed they were gone, but they showed mild concern about what the idiot twins could be doing.

That s when Mickey D made a discovery that really caused him to panic. Luis Leao s pubes! They re gone! At the hideout of the Party Hardy Boys, the epic wake for Frank had just concluded after fifteen straight days of drinking and partying. It was now time to appoint his replacement. Dozens of potential members fought each other to the death before one emerged alive as the ultimate party dude. Grasping two severed heads and chugging vodka out of both of their emptied skulls, he would be a worthy successor to Frank. Welcome aboard son, toasted Vargas. May your days of debauchery be never ending! The party was about to be pooped on though, as Antoine and Clyde crashed through the door at that very moment. Antoine whipped out his member and began waving it all over the place, shouting Hey Party Hardy dickweeds! We s here to get our fucking stone back! The room went dead silent for a moment before everyone burst into laughter. Barging into Party Central was asking for a death sentence for even the toughest of brutes on QA. For these two retards to burst in and make demands like that was tantamount to suicide by provoking a grizzly bear with firecrackers in its ass. But what better opportunity to let the newbie enjoy the benefits of being a Party Hardy Boy? Ok Janigan, you take care of these two asswipes, Peris laughed. Janigan stepped forward and cracked his knuckles. He was a seven foot behemoth of a lumberjack, a large ragged beard adorning his weathered face. On his back he had a giant axe, still dripping with blood from when the chopped down a tree in one swing and there so happened to be a deer standing behind it, which was chopped in half in the same swipe! He would not need to use that, however! He grabbed Antoine s face in the palm of his hand and lifted him in the air. With only his index finger, he jabbed Antoine gut hard, causing him to empty the contents of his stomach as well as his bladder all over the floor. Clyde could only stand there shaking in his boots while the wild man stroked his chin and dropped Antoine in his own mess. What should I do with this one? Janigan asked. The big one s pretty funny so you can let his writhe on the floor and live, responded Vargas. But the Asian one is boring. Just kill him. U-use the pubes Antoine coughed out and he clutched his stomach on the floor. Clyde reached

into his pants and pulled out the plastic baggie with the three remaining pubes of Luis Leao. He pulled

out one of them and held it threateningly to the Party Hardy Boys, who could barely contain their laughter. Oh brother, Janigan chuckled with joy. This little pantywaist keeps his pubes in a bag to gross people out with? What a joke! Bet he jerks off in a jar and keeps it under his bed too! What s wrong with doing that? Antoine asked. P-party Hardy Boys, you re gonna get it now! stammered Clyde. He prepared to throw the holy hair, but did not notice Antoine s puke and piss puddle and slipped and fell on his back. As he fell, the pube flew out of his hand and landed in his mouth! Clyde instantly gagged, but couldn t get the hair out from the back of his throat. In an attempt to help him, Antoine slapped him on the back but this only caused him to completely swallow the pube! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Janigan was now on the floor in hysterics with the rest of his buddies. This guy isn t boring at all! He s a laugh riot! Man oh man, let s make him come in here every day and eat his pubes! Antoine and Clyde decided maybe it was time to hightail it when something changed inside of Clyde. Suddenly, he felt a surge of energy burst through his body! His muscles began to become more defined and his eyebrows grew thick and lustrous. His clothing tore off until he was down to an undershirt and some sweatpants. His hair shifted shape into a bowl cut as light began to flash off of his body, blinding everyone in the room. Once the transformation was complete, a far more intimidating Clyde stood there, stepping back and forth in a kung-fu stance. Janigan stroked his mighty lumberjack beard and started to walk towards Clyde. Heh heh, guess I ve gotta teach you a lesson. But with a single punch, Clyde sent Janigan flying across the room, to the shock of everyone, Antoine included. I get it! Antoine exclaimed. Bruce Luis pube has given Clyde great power! It transformed him into BRUCE CLYDE! JC and Peris ran towards Bruce Clyde as well, but after a brief exchange of blows, both were taken out with a double kick.

Impressive, said Sean, the Farrel Beast. Vargas was less impressed and got up with the intention of setting this kid straight himself. However, Janigan picked himself up off the ground and held Rob back. This punk is still mine. He charged forward with his giant axe unsheathed and swung it so hard that when it hit the floor, the whole hideout shook! The blow caught Bruce Clyde across the chest, opening a nasty gash. But Clyde merely took a taste of the blood coming out of his wound before retaliating with a kung-fu kick. It hit Janigan deep in the bread basket and visibly caused him pain, but he stood his ground! With the handle of his axe, he clubbed Bruce Clyde hard in the head, busting him open and nearly causing him to fall. Fortified by the power of one of Luis Leao s forms coursing through his veins though, he stood his ground and punched Janigan in the face, breaking his nose and knocking out several teeth. Janigan countered again, this time by driving his size 24 boot into Bruce Clyde s temple. Both men stumbled from the damage and dropped to a knee. It was clear they only had enough strength for one more blow, so they each clenched their fists as tightly as possible and ran at each other with no regard to their safety or any semblance of defense. Both punches found their mark, as each one hit their opponent square in the jaw, knocking each other the fuck out! What in the FUCK is going on?! Vargas screamed, kicking the unconscious Janigan all the while. Sean laughed himself silly, but Vargas was visibly pissed off. JC and Peris were up too and neither one of them looked terribly amused with Antoine and Clyde right about now. Seeing that they had to escape, Antoine picked Clyde up and using his pee and vomit like a slip-and-slide, she rapidly slid away, escaping the Party Hardy Boys hideout. Back at Fuchsia Tech s clubhouse, Mickey D was upset about losing one of the valuable pubes but everyone else was happy to see the pumped up and mighty Bruce Clyde on their side and so they celebrated. Yeah yeah, said Mickey D, shaking his head in disgust. That s all fine and dandy, but you didn t get our Dio Stone back and there s still another one out there somewhere. What do we do now? Just then an apparition appeared before Fuchsia Tech. Greetings my children, it said in a gentle voice.

C-LOAD!

Chapter 26: Bye Bye Antoine!

C-Load appeared before the Fuchsia Techers as a floating apparition. Sam confirmed that he was in fact an immaterial projection by placing his head through C-Load s crotch and pretending that he was giving birth to him. This highly amused everyone so C-Load had to wait until every calmed down before giving them his message. My children, you have come a long way. The Load is pleased! Mickey D and Wilfred bowed deeply to the Load and his majestic aura of Loadness. Benevolent CLoad, said Wilfred, you must help us find the remaining missing Dio Stone shard! Before he sacrificed himself in a super manly way, Master Kelvin mentioned something about Nasty Demon Guys. Indeed, replied C-Load. The Nasty Demon Guys are the fiercest and more violent creatures in the entire universe, and their leader makes all of your previous foes seem like quadriplegic midgets in comparison! He is a devilish and foul creature known as the Demon Super King. Mickey D crossed his arms pensively, as the mention of Demon Super King recalled a far off memory. Demon Super King? Hennick once mentioned something about the letters DSK being involved with one of the Dio Stones. Their leader must hold the final stone! C-Load shook his head as ghostly tears flowed down his face and formed a ghost pool on the nonghost floor. Then there is no hope. The Nasty Demon Guy army will protect their king and you will get nowhere close. With that, he disappeared before anyone could inquire any further. And so every gave up and decided to forget about Pittaro. After all, they had suffered grave losses to date and could not afford to have their remaining members get killed on some fool errand. Not now when they were finally strong and cool enough to command some modicum of respect on QA. Hai-Fung was elected the new leader of Fuchsia Tech and it was decided that from this point they could be respected by their peers. Dat s fucking retarded! Antoine screamed, after all this was decided. Pittaro was da most wicked awesome leader in da universe n our friend! How can we s give him up now?! Mickey D eagerly raised his hand like a kid in class who has brimming with confidence in his answer. Ooh, ooh, I know! he said excitedly. Because it s easy.

Everyone nodded in agreement and applauded Mickey D s answer. This made Antoine run away crying, slipping and falling on his face while leaving for good measure. Deciding that he was the only one who could save Pittaro now, Antoine started shopping for supplies in order to make his way to the land of the Nasty Demon Guys and get back the stone himself. I ll show all of youze! he shouted at nothing in particular. Sure Pittaro may have been weak, n dumb, n lazy, n ugly, n boring, n unpopular, n kinda mean, n stray cats would beat him up, but I miss him n want him back! I m gonna gets you Demon Super King, even if I s gots ta do it myself! Just then, JC Hoang of the Schlong walked out of the shadows and stroked his beard sinisterly. Demon Super King, eh? he said in a very ninja-like voice. He grabbed Antoine by the nostrils and dragged him over to Party Central in order to see Rob. Once there, Rob laughed and offered Antoine a drink. Here ya go kid! So you finally broke up with the rest of team retard eh? Congratulations! Rob downed a couple beers and then crumpled the cans on his head. And by cans, I mean bottles! He somehow crumpled glass bottles on his skull! Of all of you and your doofus friends, you re the only one that made me laugh. How about you join us and just party all day? Peris objected to this proposition. As the mouthpiece of the Party Hardy Boys, he figured having a loudmouth boaster like Antoine would only harm their credibility. But Rob was able to put Peris in his place with a simple glare. Antoine was terribly frightened by the men who surrounded him, each of which was about as mighty as Frank the Tank, who had been able to collapse Sop s head like a piata with the squeeze of his hand. Nevertheless, he held in his bladder as best he could and shook his head. Y-youze guys are fun, n strong, n everyone likes youze, n, well, you re all da complete opposite of Pittaro n Fuchsia Tech Hee hee, thank you! Rob replied. But Antoine said, gulping down his saliva and the vomit that was gathering in his throat from the

stress. I LOVES FUCHSIA TECH! With that, he pushed JC and Peris out of the way and awkwardly ran to the exit. JC was prepared to intercept him, but Rob waved him off. Peris just laughed and Antoine ran into the distance, his limbs flailing around like a marionette being yanked about.

That guy doesn t have a friend in the world anymore, Peris mused. Even his old gang won t want a loser like him. According to JC s intel, everyone else in Fuchsia Tech finally manned up and grew a set. Who would have thought the time would have come where we d actually have to respect them, huh? Rob merely yawned and scratched his belly. Whatever. We ll give them theirs eventually. What I m more interested is what happens if they finally figure out how to use those Dio Stones. We ve only got one to their three. JC smiled. About that Rob Elsewhere, Antoine finally came across the Tenga Eggsplorer. Abandoned by FT now that their space exploits were over, it would be his one-man bachelor pad of the stars in order to fight the Nasty Demon Guys. He loaded it full of instant meals, DVDs, lotion and Kleenex, and prepared for blast off. The gooey egg-shaped pleasure ship shot off into the stars and Antoine cried heavily when he saw Planet QA begin to shrink in the distance. Awh don t worry! We ll be back one day with the Dio Stone! Startled, Antoine whipped around and saw a man sitting in one of the chairs, his fingers tented and looking rather smug. C-CLYDE! Antoine squealed in delight. Thought I was gonna let you go alone? Bruce Clyde gave Antoine a big hug which, with his new Bruce Luis strength, broke several of Antoine s ribs. In spite of that, the latter smiled and hugged his friend back. Awwwwh! Sooo do you know how to find the NDG s planet? asked Clyde. Antoine laughed sheepishly and scratched his head as he had not considered that. All of a sudden though, the ship took a sharp turn! I, uh, think it s this way. They looked over and saw Massud sitting at the controls. Though the epitome of chill and general apathy, Massud was in fact a savant of sorts when it came to piloting machinery. He wasn t in HPS for nothing! And so the trio blasted off on their journey to complete what Fuchsia Tech had started. To get the final Dio Stone!

Back on QA, FT moved on with their lives by deciding to recruit new members to their crew to replace their fallen friends. Lee officially accepted the role of their manager and helped organize a talent show of sorts in order to seek out people that would improve their intergalactic appeal. The next day, a table was set up with all of the Fuchsia Techers present, except for Hai-Fung who decided to sleep in till next Thursday. Ok, said Lee who was holding a clipboard with the day s auditionees. First up we have the Planeswalkers.

Chapter 27: The Fuchsia Tech Army

Three men stepped forward wearing wizard robes and had ornate objects dangling about their body. These were the Planewalkers, the first QA gangsters trying to join the now illustrious Fuchsia Tech. In a red robe was Alex Boucher. He showed off his abilities by summoning two large fire dragons that he shot up into the sky. Everyone was impressed and they applauded the trick. Up next in a green shroud was Pascal Michaud who created a giant wooly mammoth that lifted Myriam with its trunk and gave her flowers. She blushed and hugged the furry beast, causing the poor thing to melt into extinction once more. Everyone was impressed regardless. Finally, clad in blue and black, Martin Mercille cast a spell which caused Justyn and Bianca to stand up and walk forward against their wills. They stepped up to him and Martin placed his hands upon their heads and began to absorb their knowledge. Once he was done, he demonstrated his new abilities by playing the entire Highway Star guitar solo and then describing what having menstrual pain feels like. Then he showed the stuff he learned from Bianca. Suffice to say, the Planeswalkers were admitted into FT with open arms. Up next, was Bonnie. She was known as the toughest chick on all of QA, and as a result had a bit of a rivalry with Bianca, who wanted nothing to do with her. The rest of FT wanted more chicks around though, so she was vetoed and placed in a small cage with only a loaf of bread and some tap water. They returned to Bonnie and asked her to show what she would bring to the table. She nodded and headed over to a large boulder that was nearby. She stared at it for a while, her head cocked at an angle, before finally screaming, BITCH! WHATCHOO THINK YOU RE LOOKIN AT?! Her sass instantly shattered the boulder into pieces and FT applauded quite heartily. And so Bonnie, with her deadly sass, was admitted into FT in spite of Bianca s hissing and spitting. The next applicant was James Bouthillier. He came with a holster on his belt, but none could see what it held. When asked for a demonstration, his reached into the holster and pulled out not a gun or knife, but a fountain pen! This was met with many a hesitant stare, but the Fuchsia Techers decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to display his abilities. James asked for a volunteer, and out came Eric Webb, another gang member who was trying out and who could launch ice out of his nostrils. In a flash, James stabbed a thousand times Eric with his fountain pen! Blood poured out of each tiny hole like a water fountain and he began to shrivel like a grape turning into a raisin! Soon, Eric

passed out from blood loss and collapsed on the ground. Everyone in FT was in awe of the beautiful design the spilled blood made on the ground and were most impressed. James was not through, though! He used his pen to suck up the blood and draw a vicious dog. The dog leapt at Eric and tore off his leg, happily enjoying it as a snack. This cinched the deal and James was admitted into Fuchsia Tech. Feeling bad for Eric s predicament, Myriam patched him up best she could and they hired him as well. Up next were the tandem of Mathieu Guimond and Serge Boudreau. Their ability consisted of interpretive dance that would make their enemies question their own mortality. Everyone was quite high on paint fumes and Mountain Dew at this point, so they brought these two aboard as well. The next candidate was Catherine Sanschagrin. After Bonnie, she was the next toughest girl on QA and this made her Myriam s rival. However, she proved her fortitude by allowing two speeding cars to slam into her simultaneously and walk away with only minor scratches. She was admitted into Fuchsia Tech. The last applicant of the day was the most promising, and yet the most mysterious. Lee squinted at his resume and said Applicant Rom is it? Please step up and show us what you ve got. Rom just sat there in his chair, though. Clad in a poncho covered in army fatigues with the hood pulled tightly over his face, no one could see what he looked like very well. All they could tell from the faint glow clenched in his teeth is that he was smoking a cigarette and grimacing in a rather intimidating manner. His steel-toed boots were splattered with dried blood, showing that he was a man of action! Wilfred was excited by this and wanted to admit him right away, but Mickey D remained skeptical and impatiently tapped his pen on the table. Applicant Rom, said Mickey D in an annoyed voice. Step up and do something! Otherwise you can just go home! What is home? Rom asked in the deepest, gravelliest, manliest voice imaginable. Wilfred instantly developed a man-crush on him at this point and even Bianca and Sam felt tingly in the pants. When you re fighting all your life like I have, he continued, the only home is the battlefield. My only relatives are the guns I carry and the dogs of war that taught me all I know. My beds are holes where I hide to sew up my bullet wounds. Mommy and daddy? Try Colonel Fuckhead and Captain Jizzpants.

Not their real names by the way, but just an expression of my feelings towards them. Instead of a puppy on Christmas, I got knifed in the throat by a Special Forces agent who had just triple-crossed my twin brother on a submarine. So if you think I m just going to go home, Rom said as he leaned in towards Mickey D for dramatic effect, then I m already there. He punctuated his monologue by taking his cigarette and putting it out on his own forehead, then flicking the butt off into the distance. Mickey D was speechless from Rom s passionate words and nobody else certainly wanted to say anything negative to the unbalanced gentleman, so they let him be in Fuchsia Tech too. Ok, said Lee. Let s wrap it up for today and interview some more people tomorrow. Wait! a man in the distance shouted. We wanna try out too! It was Bobo Bowden and the rest of the Pecan Sandies! Quickly, Steve Morin used his insanely hard ass to sit on Lee and prevent her from moving. Mickey D rushed in to get him off her, but Nick and Wissem stood in the way. Blowing a puff of smoke, Wissem spread a cloud of poison that temporarily paralyzed all of the FTers and forced them to sit and watch as Bobo and Nick participated in a comedy routine where they smacked each other with dead salmon. It was somewhat funnier than it sounds. Ugh, Lee grunted as she struggled under the diamond ass of Steve. Ok ok, you guys can join! Now get off of me! Steve got up and the Pecan Sandies immediately began to fist bump each other. Wissem administered the antidote to Fuchsia Tech and they immediately regained their movement and their spirits. So when do we go fuck up some folk for some more Dio Stone? Bobo asked. Uh, yeah we don t do that anymore, Mickey D replied. Now we re just trying to assert ourselves as the best gang on QA. Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! Bobo was so shocked that he dropped his monocle into his dry martini, both of which he had on him for the sole purpose of showing how shocked he was. Why are you gonna do that? Well look, said Mickey D, we don t need Pittaro anymore so there s no need to. Fuchsia Tech is better than ever without him! The rest of the Fuchsia Techers nodded in agreement.

Nick was so upset to hear this that he tried to commit suicide by cutting open his own stomach to make it rain purple, but Steve stayed his hand. And here we thought you guys were different, Steve

said with tears in his eyes. We knew you guys were weak, and we picked on you for it, but we at least respected how much you pussies meant to each other. Let s go boys! These kids are just like the Party Hardy Boys now. Heartless! After the Pecan Sandies left, everyone participated in a session of deep INTROSPECTION. It was then they realized how much they had sacrificed to get the three Dio Stone shards they had. So many good FTers had died to see that Pittaro would live again, and the reason they did it is because in spite of his innumerable flaws that made him a terrible anything, let alone leader, they loved the man to death. And if saving him meant diving into the single worst and most dangerous place in the universe, then so be it! Starting tomorrow, Mickey D proclaimed, we re not recruiting members for a gang. Ohhhhh no! We re drafting an army to take down those Nasty Demon Guy motherlovers and send them packing back to their momma s teat! Who s with me?! Bianca, Wilfred, Myriam, Justyn and Sam all cheered loudly in unison, high-fiving Mickey D and showing their support. Ummm I don t even know this Pittaro guy, said Lee meekly, knowing she was risking ruining the moment. SHUT THE FUCK UP, LEE! Sam shouted at her unnecessarily. Everyone in FT congratulated his rude outburst and they enjoyed a cold glass of delicious diet ginger ale for old time s sake. The commotion woke up Hai-Fung, who came outside to see what the fuss is about. Hey Hai-Fung, said Justyn. We re gonna go save Pittaro! Awh, fuck THIS shit! Hai-Fung grumbled as he went back to bed.

Chapter 28: Recruiting, Day Two

The next day, everyone awoke bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to recruit for their Fuchsia Tech Army that would storm the land of the Nasty Demon Guys and pillage it for its precious Dio Stone. Spirits were high, putting everyone in a less discerning mood than they should have been when it came to talent evaluation. Still, there is something to be said of strength in numbers and so it was perhaps for the best that they came to automatically accept anyone who walked in the door. Among the notables was Adriana. Her intense pressure point techniques could make a man feel revitalized after a day of heavy labor, or conversely make an able-bodied man feel weak and stiff as a board. She demonstrated by softening Bianca s balls to make them as gentle and plush as a cushion, then reinforced them to make them harder than steel! Bianca was fascinated by this and asked her to her the technique so that she may more readily have full control of her testicular hardness. Then there was the roughneck biker AJ. He was known as Blazing Star in QA high school and was famed for taking on an army of fifty rival bikers on his own. Though he was battered and bloodied, not a finger was laid upon his glorious pompadour, which flapped mightily in the breeze. If he didn t always wear a tough ass leather jacket, you would see the endless scars he accumulated in his short life thus far, as well as the tattoo on his bicep that read POWA WAVE! He quickly befriended Wilfred and they became quite the duo. Another imposing individual was Brandon. An ex-sniper on Planet USA, he was most respected not only for his ability to shoot the willy off a squirrel from a mile away but also for having the most resilient bladder in the land. Once a gang leader in his own right until all of his comrades abandoned him, he forced his way into power by offering his teammates coffee and cigarettes and not allowing anyone to leave the room until he was declared leader. Through attrition he obtained the role he sought, but not without alienating his new subordinates. Fortunately, not needing to use the bathroom is also an asset for waiting to snipe a target. Then there were the Brothers of the Beautiful Beard, Paolo and Mike Yin. These two mighty generals each wielded an eight-foot long polearm that weighed two hundred pounds each (or as they put it, 10 bales of rice). Their might in combat was matched only by the thick luster of their beards. Wilfred took a shining to these two as well, and they joined his cadre of warriors.

Adding a spiritual element to Fuchsia Tech was Shane, the Preacher Man. Clad in black clothes indicating his craft, he seemed to be a peaceful man with no need for fighting. However, he demonstrated that he was fully capable of defending himself by firing cross shurikens so hard that they embedded into boulders. He then prayed mournfully for the boulder that he had damaged, asking for forgiveness for the pain he had inflicted on the noble hunk of stone. Justin Buder-LeSage and Justin Banks arrived together, though they had no prior contact with each other or were acquainted in any way. However, Justyn protested their presence. No way there can be three Justins! Not only that, we can t even just call one Justin B! This is unacceptable! The two Justins agreed and prepared to square off. Justin Buder wielded the cudgel like no other, swinging the crude weapon around with much ferocity. Justin Banks on the other hand was craftier, and could dig tunnels under the earth in order to surprise attack his foe. He dove underground and popped up behind Justin Buder and struck him in the back with his mole-like talons. The rugged Justin Buder was unfazed however, and retaliated with a swing from his deadly weapon, which was deftly avoided. The fight carried on for some time with neither side making any ground. Suddenly, a commanding voice spoke up. That s enough you two! It was Dr. Caumartin, the local physician. Well respected by everyone, even the Party Hardy Boys, Dr. Caumartin came to be known and a father figure to some of the more wayward boys of QA. There is no need to fight each other when you both wish to fight for a common cause! If it s names that confuse you, then how about this: Justin Buder-Lesage can be known as Justin BL and Justin Banks can be known as Susan. Both Justins as well as Fuchsia Tech were awestruck was the doctor s wisdom, and the Justins bowed down humbly before him, admitting their foolishness and reconciling as brothers within FT. Justin BL and Susan were welcomed into the ranks and the offer was extended to Dr. Caumartin as well. Eh heh heh heh! he laughed. Well I don t know about joining a gang, but someone has to look after you boys and gals to make sure you play nice. And so Dr. Caumartin became an unofficial member of Fuchsia Tech, taking on Myriam as his apprentice in order to teach her the finer points of the medical profession as well as how to cope with being made entirely of acid. Zlatko the Natural came soon after. He earned his nickname by never spending one day in school or a single minute at the gym. In spite of this, he was a naturally strong brawler who could pick up on any subject and learn it fluently in minutes. After studying Vince for a short while, he was able to fully repair

the damage he had suffered at the hands of HPS and even made some improvements, such as armpit hair grappling hooks and a codpiece that worked as an emergency escape pod. Dan-Ning, aka D the DJ, rounded off that day s recruits. She was capable of scratching so fast that the sound tore away at the human ear drum and eventually exploded their brain! She was also prone to freestyling while doing so. As she came up to present herself to Fuchsia Tech, she composed this rhyme: D-d-d-d-a DJ named D is here Bustin all your faces and splittin yo ear F-f-f-fresh! Fresh! F-fresh! As was mentioned earlier, no one was in a picky mood on that day and so she too was accepted. As Lee and Mickey D closed shop, a lone figure stumbled lazily towards Fuchsia Tech s base. His ballcap was pulled sideways over his brow and a large spliff hung from his slightly pursed lips. The man s aviators shone in the setting set, making it even harder to see who this mysterious fellow was. He eventually stood in front on Mickey D and stared him right in the eye, holding his stare for several minutes. The fuck is your problem?! Mickey D barked, having had enough of this man s lack of manners. The mystery man spat on the ground, then headbutted Mickey D in the face, knocking the big man down. Lee was shocked and prepared a Rochelle in order to fight back. However, Mickey D put out his hand and motioned at her to stay back. I asked what the fuck is your problem?! Sup? the man finally said. I m Eddy. Call me EJ. Or Thugalicious. Whatever. I m gonna lead FT. He then headbutted Mickey D again, this time really hurting him. Mickey D was undeterred by this man s attitude or strength though! Hai-Fung s our leader till we bring back Pittaro! He headbutted Eddy back, smashing his glasses in the process. Eddy didn t react to the pain, and just wiped the small trickle of blood that rolled down his nose. In retaliation, he punched Mickey D in the gut so hard he was sent flying into a nearby house, destroying it. Lee was worried that this guy could prove to be too much and prepared to go get HaiFung or Justyn to help out. However, Mickey D emerged from the pile of rubble rather pissed off.

GRAAAAAAAAAAARGH! I M STRONG TOO! His rage now settled in, he flung himself at Eddy and shoulder tackled him through another building. Eddy pulled himself out of the broken bricks and brushed the dust off his pants, making sure to adjust his hat so that it looked right. All this maintenance made him unable to react in time for Mickey D s next attack. Grabbing Eddy by the legs, Mickey D began to spin in circles, gathering momentum until he tossed him right through FT s wall and into Hai-Fung s bedroom. What s this shit? a sleepy Hai-Fung asked the thug lying on his floor, who was still smoking his spliff. You the boss? Eddy asked. Yeah Kay. Guess I ll join ya. Let s fuck em up! With that, Eddy got to his feet and fist bumped Hai-Fung before leaving the house the same way he came. He passed Mickey D on the way, but rather than fight back all he said was Later. And with that, he went home for the night. The strange, but powerful Eddy had made quite an impression on Mickey D, for better or for worse. He knew that in order to rescue Pittaro they would need more men of his caliber. Additionally, Mickey D felt it was nice to assert himself after being overshadowed by the new and improved FT members as of late. His pulled up his britches and went back to helping Lee close up. The next day would be the final day of recruiting, and would decide the fate of the Fuchsia Tech Army.