I lost two friends in a span of two weeks.

The first one left me broken…then angry. The second time, I was dumbfounded and then numb. I
feel nothing and I feel everything at the same time.

I can’t seem to grasp that both of them are gone. Sometimes it hits me sneakily— while going
through excel sheets, while on the toilet or while feeding our new puppy that we got after Chad died
that I voluntarily wanted to take care of to (ironically) keep my mind off the brutal news about his
death. In those mundane moments I am reminded that they are gone.

That they died.

That I’ll never see them again.
And I try to hold onto it, to that feeling, so that I can grieve. So that I can feel it. But the feeling
fleets as quickly as it came.

And I'm left numb, in denial, in disbelief.

It's not the death that truly hurts but it's the reality of what has happened that does. It's those little
things you didn't know meant everything to you. Those precious moments you never framed
because you believed they would last forever.

For days, I wondered when will this physical aching in my heart end. The day has finally come—
today, I can finally cry for you.

Chad, Renz,
I miss you with every fibre of my being. You were good.