10/17/21

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

“QUINSY HOME FOR WAYWARD ORPHANS”
ANNOUNCES WEEK SIX LOSS
The Quinsy Home for Wayward Orphans announced a week six loss today.

The Quinsy Home for Wayward Orphans was established in 1855 by Beauregard
Scarfners as a school for cockney youths. After rebranding in several markets, it was acquired by
the Poppleton Terrace Theater Company as a football team in 2017. It then rebranded as a
hospital during its artistic director’s ‘acute diva coma’ between 2019 and 2021. Following his
awakening, the Quinsy Home resumed its identity as a football team. It also has a horse.

CFO J. Digby Whittaker appeared on the company’s Facebook livestream. Behind him, a
yellow-eyed Major Arthur Hardy lay spiritually awakened in his open alabaster coffin. At Mr.
Whittaker’s feet lay a body, which he did not acknowledge. Draped over the body lay a sash that
read “MISS BIG OIL 1986.”

Mr. Whittaker, his eyes trained on something beyond the webcam, paused.

Then, he began: “We’ll keep this brief.”

He breathed deeply. Finally, he said:

“The Quinsy Home regrets to announce that Margaux Ventura-Buenaventura—”

He paused again—

“Has been murdered.”