Changes that Heal
Dr. Henry Cloud
Our God is a God “full of grace and truth” (John 1:14).
Grace is he unmerited favor of God toward people.
Grace is something we have not earned and do not
deserve.
“Grace is something you can never get but only be
given” – Frederick Buechner
Grace is unconditional love and acceptance.
“Love stresses god’s personal disposition toward
unworthy creatures, while grace stresses his freedom
from obligation in saving them. But the distinction is not
clearly nor consistently made. Both love and grace
come to us through Christ. And both are unique in that
they are undeserved.
Grace, then, is the relational aspect of God’s character.
Truth is what is real. It is the structural aspect of his
character.
God’s truth leads us to what is real, to what is accurate.
The law is a blueprint, or a structure, for people to live
by. It offers them guidance, and it sets limits for them.
Truth without grace is judgement. It sends you straight
to hell, literally and experientially.
The law without grace destroy s us.
With grace alone, we are safe from condemnation, but
we cannot experience true intimacy.
Grace, Truth, Time.
Bonding is the ability to establish and emotional
attachment to another person. It’s the ability to relate
to another on the deepest level. When two people have
a bond with each other, they share their deepest
thoughts, dreams, and feelings with each other with no
fear that they will bee rejected by the other person.
Bonding is one of the most basic and foundational ideas
in life and the universe. It is a basic human need. God
created us with a hunger for relationship – for
relationship with him and with our fellow people. At our
very core we are relational beings.
Without a solid, bonding relationship, the human soul
will become mired in psychological and emotional
problems. The soul cannot prosper without being
connected to others. No matter what characteristics we
possess, or what accomplishments we amass, without
solid emotional connectedness, without bonding to God
and other humans, we will suffer sickness of the soul.
God is a relational being, and he created a relational
universe. At the foundation of every living thing is the
idea of relationship. Everything that is alive relates to
something else.
When we understand that the foundation of existence
lies in relationship, for it is the way God exists, it begins
to make sense why love is the highest ethic.
People who can’t make emotional attachments live in a
state of perpetual hunger.
The first stage of having failure to bond with god and
with others is protest.
Second stage is depression and despair.
The third stage is detachment.
Symptoms of failure to bond.
Depression – is a psychiatric disorder marked by
sadness, inactivity, difficulty with thinking and
concentration, a significant increase or decrease in
appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection
and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal thoughts or
an attempt to commit suicide.
Feelings of meaninglessness – People who are isolated
emotionally feel that life has no meaning. Because they
often confuse this feeling of meaninglessness with not
having purpose, they desperately try to find meaning in
some activity or ministry.
Feelings of Badness and Guilt. An isolated self is a bad
self. In reality, isolated people who fail to bond aren’t
bad; they just think they are bad. An alone self seems to
be unloved self, and that translates to a “bad self.”
Addiction – is a compulsive physiological need for
something; in other words, something that someone
needs to survive. People are usually addicted to a
specific substance, such as alcohol, cocaine, speed, or
food. But people can also feel addicted to activities,
such as sex, gambling, work, destructive relationships,
religiosity, achievement and materialism.
Distorted Thinking – the law of entropy holds that any
system left to itself becomes more and more disordered
over time. This is what happens in emotional isolation.
As people are shut off from others, their anger, sadness,
and depression begin to interfere with their thinking
process.
Emptiness – people who are disconnected from God
and others feel very empty. Emptiness is one of the
most painful emotions a human can feel. Empty people
can’t feel their own need for love, and they can’t feel
other’s love for them.
Sadness – a lack of bonding not only results in a lack of
joy, but produces a feeling of deep sadness. Joy cones
through connection and relationship with God and
others.
Fears of Intimacy – We naturally fear what we do not
know. People who have need had close relationships
with other people will fear intimacy and avoid closeness
with others.
Feelings of Unreality – Some people get so detached
that they literally feel disconnected from the world
around them. they can see and hear others and their
environment, but they can’t feel them. Therefore, the
world and the people in it seem unreal.
Panic – is a sudden, overpowering fright.
Rage – or furious, uncontroleed anger is often a
symptoms of isolation. As we grow older, most of us
hide this rage, and it comes out in other more socially
acceptable ways such as cynicism or bodily illness.
Excessive Caretaking – The only way some people can
feel close to others is to take care of them. We don’t
think of a “caretaker,” someone who is always putting
other people’s needs first, as someone who needs to be
taken care of.
Fantasy – is the process of creating unrealistic or
improbable mental images in response to a
psychological need. The psychological need here is the
attachment. People who are unable to make real
friends.
Barriers to bonding.
Past Injury
Distorted thinking
Our view of ourselves
I am bad
I am unlovable
Something about me scares people away
My sins are worse than other people’s sins
I don’t deserve love
My neediness will overwhelm anyone
My need for others is not valid
My feelings will overwhelm anyone
Our view of Others
No one is trustworthy
People will always leave me
People are man and critical
People will disapprove of me
People will control me
 People are faking their care

Our View of God

He really doesn’t love me

God doesn’t care about the way I feel.

He wants just ‘good Christians’

He gets angry at me

He doesn’t hear me

He doesn’t answer prayer

He will control me and take away my freedom

He won’t forgive me for...

Defense Mechanisms

Denial – is the psychological defense mechanism in

which people avoid confronting a personal problem or
reality by denying its existence.

Devaluation – devaluing available love is a defense used

by most people who struggle with emotional isolation.
Love will present itself, but instead of responding to it,
these people will devalue it or lessen its importance.

Projection – is the attributing of one’s own ideas,

feelings, or attitudes to other people.

Reaction Formation – is a defense in which people

express a feeling or trait that’s athe exact opposite of a
feeling or impuse that they (often unconsciously)
suppressing. In simple terms it means to do the opposite
of what you really want to do.

Mania – is an excitement of psychotic proportions which

shows itself in mental and physical hyperactivity,
disorganization of behavior and elevation of mood.

Idialization – is the act of thinking of something as ideal

or perfect or as more nearly perfect than is true.

Substitution – is simply the substituting of one person or

thing for another. When people can’t get real
relationship, they will find something to take its place.