Lyme Park Romance Tour

Lyme Park: An Austonian Romance of an Indian Nature
A play by Nandita Shenoy
1160 Third Avenue, Apt. 10J

New York, NY 10065
646/331-4231
nanditas@mindspring.com
as of 4/10/20
Nandita Shenoy Lyme Park
nanditas@mindspring.com An Austonian Romance of an Indian Nature
646/331-4231
A Note on Staging: The scenes in this play are meant to flow directly into one another.
To this end, the set of the play should be fairly simple with a few pieces of Regency era
furniture to be re-arranged to represent the various locales of the play with the aid of
projected images and lighting changes. All scene changes should take place in front of
the audience. While very specific places are described, the set is not meant to re-create
these places with any exactitude but instead represent them through a few details.
Character breakdown
KAVITA: Female, American woman of Indian descent, mid-30’s, an editor of children’s

books, quirky and high strung
VIOLET: Female, open ethnicity, early to mid-30’s, also an editor in a different division
than Kavita but in the same office, bossy and strong but with a vulnerable side
HENRY: Male, open ethnicity but neither White nor South Asian, a freelance writer,
unexpected hero, nervous and self-conscious but with a curious and open heart
THOMAS: Male, British, late 30’s/early 40’s, tour guide and PhD candidate, dashing
leading-man type with a pompous streak
MRS. DALE: Female, British, 60’s, Thomas’ mother, lagging member of the upper
class, opinionated and not afraid to share; also plays WAITRESS, who waits on
KAVITA, VIOLET, and HENRY in the bar and later in the English tea room
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Lights up to reveal KAVITA lying on a couch watching a scene from the BBC film of “Pride &
Prejudice.” It is the scene when Darcy first asks Elizabeth to marry him. After Darcy finishes
his declaration of love, KAVITA jumps up in full Regency period costume and recites her speech
to the screen with feeling. The sound cuts out from the film clip as we hear her continue.
Kavita
“You are mistaken Mr. Darcy if you suppose that the mode of your declaration affected
me in any other way than as it spared me the concern which I might have felt in refusing
you had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner.” (whispers) Don’t worry, old
boy, I’ll say yes to you in about 3 hours. Oh Mr. Darcy, where are you? (KAVITA turns
off the DVD.)
A phone rings. Lights shift to reveal VIOLET in her own space. KAVITA answers the phone.
Kavita
Hello?
Violet
Hey, Kavi! Listen, I’m scrambling, but you said to call you back immediately.
Kavita
I reserved the tickets for our trip. You have 24 hours to confirm the reservation. I got us
an amazing deal!
Violet
Really?
Kavita
Violet, please don’t bag on me. You said you wanted to do something really fun before
the baby was born and when I suggested recreating Elizabeth Bennett’s tour of the Peak
District, you said yes! I’ve created an itinerary, booked the flights, researched bed &
breakfasts. All you have to do is click yes!
Violet
I’m just worried about William being alone for so long.
Kavita
William is an adult and until last summer managed on his own just fine.
Violet
It’s different, though, now that we’re married. And the baby...
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Kavita
I know, Vi! That’s why we have to go now before you turn into one of those poopy
diaper discussing moms!
Violet
You’re right. I do have five months left to do everything I’ve ever wanted to do, and a
Jane Austen tour of England would be the perfect trip for us.
Kavita
Yeah! You might not get another chance to take a trip on your own…
Violet
Okay, I’ll confirm the reservation tonight. What’s it under?
Kavita
The tour is listed as “Must go to Pemberley.”
Violet
Okay, Kavi! I’ll do it, but listen, William is out tonight, and my friend Henry is coming
over for dinner. You remember him from my wedding.
Kavita
Your writer friend from college?
Violet
Right.
Kavita
Nope, I don’t remember him at all.
Violet
Well, maybe you could meet him sometime.
Kavita
Maybe… I don’t know…Maybe after we come back from England.
Violet
Just a suggestion, Kavi. What are you doing tonight?
Kavita
Uh, watching TV?
Violet
Not Pride and Prejudice again!
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Kavita
Research for the trip. We’re going to have so much fun!
Violet
I know we will! Talk to you later, okay?
Kavita
Okay. Bye.
Violet
Bye!
As KAVITA exits, scene shifts to VIOLET’S kitchen where HENRY and VIOLET sit.
Violet
I’m telling you that you have to meet this girl.
Henry
I appreciate the effort Vi, but I’m not sure that I’m ready to date yet. It’s been a little bit
rough, you know?
Violet
Oh, Henry, I know it’s been rough, but I really think that you should get back out there.
It’s time.
Henry
It hasn’t even been a year.
Violet
And this is the accepted amount of time to mourn a relationship? Does everybody know
this? Wait a year? Is that the rule?
Henry
There’s no rule. I’m just saying that it hasn’t been that long.
Violet
If there’s no rule, it’s been long enough. You’re 36 years old, Henry. Time is a tickin’.
Henry
Pregnancy has made you so delicate and sensitive.
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Violet
Listen, I know it was awful to have Angela leave you like that, but I really think that the
best revenge would be to get married first.
Henry
Now I’m going to marry this girl? Before Angela marries someone else? Is she even
dating?
Violet
Kavita’s not dating anyone right now. She’s ripe for the picking. All you have to do is
reach out and grab her.
Henry
I meant Angela. Is she dating someone?
Violet
How would I know? I hate that girl. But Kavi, on the other hand, I adore…
Henry
Oh what is so great about your friend?
Violet
She’s passionate, Henry. Passionate and committed. I’ll admit her passion can be
misguided, but I think you two would really hit it off. You guys have a lot in common.
And she’s so much more interesting than that skinny bitch Angela-
Henry
Hey! She was my fiancée. You shouldn’t talk about her like that just because we broke
up.
Violet
I thought she was a cold fish even when you were together. No one liked her.
Henry
No one liked Angela?
Violet
Everyone hated her. But we all love Kavita-
Henry
Who’s everyone?
Violet
Me, my husband, my parents, our friends, everyone.
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Henry
Your parents didn’t like her?
Violet
They thought she was stuck up and rude at my wedding.
Henry
I didn’t think she was stuck up and rude.
Violet
Of course, you didn’t. You were blinded by her long blonde dreadlocked hair. But
everyone else… I bet even your parents didn’t like her.
Henry
I just thought they needed time to get used to having a white daughter-in-law.
Violet
They needed time to get used to having an awful daughter-in-law. But Kavita, on the
other hand, is sweet and cool and warm and-
Henry
Violet, I don’t think I can do this. I am still clearly working through some things with
Angela.
Violet
Henry, I say this to you because I’m your friend and I love you and I want you to be
happy. You need to work through some things with someone other than Angela. She
was no good for you as demonstrated by her calling off the wedding 4 days before the
ceremony. She sucks, and you need to move on. I really think that if you would give my
friend a chance, you might really hit it off.
Henry
But I’m not in a space to meet new people.
Violet
Then get in the space! Listen, I’ll go with you. I’ll invite you both out for a drink, and
the three of us can hang out together. It’ll be low key.
Henry
You’ll go with me on a date?
Violet
If you need me to. That’s how much I love you, Henry. I am willing to take my preggers
self to a bar to go on a date with you and my dear friend Kavita. Don’t you see how
much I want this to happen?
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Henry
We could meet for coffee.
Violet
No, Henry, this girl is a little bit feisty. I think you’ll need some alcohol.
Henry
What is so wrong with her that I’d need to drink?
Violet
Nothing is wrong with her. She’s passionate is all. Sometimes it can be overwhelming.
Like the first time I met her at our office Halloween party, I didn’t know what hit me.
But I thought she was great.
Henry
What did she do to you?
Violet
She went off on Jane Austen.
Henry
Went off?
Violet
More like “Pride and Prejudice.” She was dressed up as Jane Austen, and she couldn’t
believe that I had never read “Pride and Prejudice.”
KAVITA appears dressed as Jane Austen. She gives the following monologue out to the
audience.
Kavita
Well in a nutshell, basically Elizabeth Bennett is the second daughter in a family of 5
girls, who’s getting to the stage where her family thinks she should get married and so
every man who comes along is a potential candidate, except that she doesn’t really care
about getting married to anyone other than the very greatest love. And she meets this guy
Darcy at a dance who’s really rich and everyone wants to get to know him because he’s
so rich. But of course, he’s a big fat jerk and snubs her and so she decides that she hates
him. He’s too proud, and she becomes prejudiced against him. Except that then he sees
her around and starts to like her and then actually proposes to her, which is totally
repulsive to her. She’s like “Perhaps if you had asked me in a more gentleman-like
manner, I might have felt some regret in refusing you.” You know, because he’s all
about how low he’s stooping even to ask her. And she hates him because she knows he
broke up his best friend and her older sister and hurt the guy that she likes, Wickham. So
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he writes her a letter about how he feels everything he does is correct and that Wickham
is horrible and lied to her. So then she goes to the Peak District with her aunt and uncle
and sees Darcy’s house and accidentally runs into him there. And they start to get along,
except that then she finds out that her youngest sister has run off with Wickham who is a
dastardly fellow. And she’s all upset because he’s ruined her sister and therefore ruined
all of the Bennett girls because who wants to get married to someone with a wayward
sister? But then Darcy goes and makes Wickham marry Lydia so that he can marry
Elizabeth, and it turns out that she likes him too once she finds out how not pompous he
really is. It’s the best story ever, and I can’t believe that you haven’t even seen the
movie, Violet!
KAVITA disappears.
Henry
She sounds a little bit like a freak.
Violet
Some people could say that you’re a little bit of a freak too. I mean you still talk to
Angela and all.
Henry
What’s wrong with that?
Violet
Most normal people do not help out the people that broke their hearts in a very public and
devastating fashion. I mean, you helped her move into a new apartment.
Henry
She needed help!
Violet
Freak. Have you even gone on one date since “the Event”?
Henry
Fine. I’ll meet this girl and have a drink. If that’s what it takes to get you off my back.
Violet
That is what it takes.
Henry
Fine. Set it up. God, I can’t believe I am going on a blind date.
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Violet
It’s totally chill, not even really a date. You are just meeting someone that I think you
might find interesting.
Henry
Whatever.
Violet
You are going to love her!
Henry
(To himself) I sincerely doubt that.
As VIOLET exits, HENRY talks on his cell phone.
Henry
Hey Angela, it’s me, Henry. I’m sorry it’s taken a little while for me to get back to you.
I don’t really know much about hooking up a satellite dish, and so I’m not sure that I
could really be any help to you. (Pause) Listen, I know we said that we would stay
friends and I want to be, but I think we should take some time off. We need to move past
what we once were… Switch up our patterns…I think I need some space. Okay? Okay.
I’ll talk to you later. Bye.
HENRY exits. Scene shifts to a bar where VIOLET and KAVITA sit at a table, waiting.
Kavita
I don’t know why I have to meet your damaged goods friend.
Violet
He is not damaged goods. He’s a lovely man who is smart and well-read and has
excellent taste.
Kavita
So he’s gay.
Violet
He is NOT gay! For God’s sake, Kavita, lighten up! It’s one drink. Have a drink with
your pregnant friend and a nice man that she knows and see what happens.
Kavita
Jane Austen never married, and she’s one of the most widely read authors of all time. I
don’t see why I should have to.
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Violet
I don’t want you to marry the guy; I just want you to meet him. And for the record, Jane
Austen wrote incessantly about people getting married, so it’s not like it wasn’t on her
mind. Henry!
HENRY enters with a book and joins them.
Violet
Hi Henry! You remember my friend Kavita, right? I think you guys met at my wedding.
Henry
Yes, hello Kavita. It’s nice to see you again.
Kavita
Nice to see you too.
Silence.
Violet
Kavita is an editor like me, and Henry is a writer, a journalist.
Henry
Do you work at the same imprint as Violet?
Kavita
No, I work for Gnomon Press. It’s a young adult imprint. Who do you write for?
Henry
Freelance. Mostly travel.
Kavita
Oh.
Silence.
Henry
So how have you been since the wedding?
Kavita
Well, thank you.
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Henry
And you, Mommy?
Violet
Good, but I have to pee all the time. Will you two excuse me?
Kavita
We’ll be here.
Henry
Can I get you something to drink while you’re gone?
Violet
Why thank you Henry! That is so gentlemanly of you. Would you mind getting me a
cranberry and seltzer with lime?
Henry
My pleasure.
VIOLET exits as a WAITRESS approaches the table.
Waitress
Can I take your order?
Henry
What can I get for you?
Kavita
I’ll have a glass of Shiraz, please?
Waitress
No shiraz, sorry.
Kavita
How about a cabernet?
Waitress
No cabernet. House red.
Kavita
Fine, I’ll have a glass of your house red.
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Henry
Yes, we’ll also have a cranberry and seltzer with lime for our pregnant friend who’s in
the bathroom, and a bourbon, any label, neat, please. Thanks.
Waitress
Sure. I’ll be right back.
WAITRESS exits. Silence.
Kavita
So what are you reading?
Henry
Naruto. It’s a manga. I assume you’re familiar with them.
Kavita
You’re reading a comic book?
Henry
It’s not a comic book. It’s a Japanese graphic novel. Surely in your line of work, you
can appreciate their cultural significance.
Kavita
At Gnomon, we try to encourage kids to read books even without pictures.
Henry
Well, what do you like to read?
Kavita
Jane Austen. In fact, Violet and I are about to take a Jane Austen tour of England.
Henry
Jane Austen tour?
Kavita
Yeah! Well mostly a Pride and Prejudice tour. We’re visiting Derbyshire just like
Elizabeth Bennett.
Henry
Not going to Brighton, then?
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Kavita
No, Pride and Prejudice doesn’t take place in Brighton. We’re going to Derbyshire to
see the old homes that played Mr. Darcy’s estate, Pemberley, in the movies, and then
driving to Bath for the Jane Austen Festival.
Henry
A whole festival for an author who wrote three books?
Kavita
Six novels that were completed as well as two works that were unfinished at the time of
her death and an epistolary novel that no one ever counts because it’s more like
Dangerous Liaisons than Pride and Prejudice.
Henry
Whoa.
Kavita
It’s a passion.
Henry
I see. So what happens at this festival?
Kavita
Well, there’s a promenade where people dress up in Regency-era costumes and then a
bunch of exhibits plus the Jane Austen Centre and then the Festival Regency Ball in the
Assembly Rooms.
Henry
So are you going to parade around in a costume?
Kavita
Definitely.
Henry
Don’t you think that’s a little weird? You know, dressing up like an English person?
Kavita
No weirder than Halloween. Plus I love the clothes.
Henry
So you’re going to a ball-
Kavita
The ball.
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Henry
Sorry, The Ball at the…
Kavita
Assembly Rooms. It’s a big hall in Bath. A lot of stuff in Persuasion and Northanger
Abbey takes place there. So it’s kind of going to be a Pride and Prejudice tour, with bits
of Persuasion and Northanger Abbey thrown in.
Henry
I’ve never even heard of that last one.
Kavita
Most people haven’t, but I think it’s my secret favorite of all of Miss Austen’s novels.
Henry
More whining about Brighton, perhaps?
Kavita
What’s your problem with Brighton? It’s not really a big part of any of her books.
Henry
I don’t know. My ex used to watch this Jane Austen movie all the time, and every time I
entered the room, some chick was always whining about going to Brighton and then the
stodgy old patriarch would answer “ Oh dear, my my.”
Kavita
Well, which one were you watching? I hope not that travesty with Keira Knightley that
they tried to pass off as an adaptation.
Henry
I don’t know. It was the British thing that took like 100 hours.
Kavita
I can only assume that you are talking about the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice
with Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth, which is my all time favorite thing I’ve ever watched.
Ever.
Henry
Yeah, that’s the one. What was up with that girl and her whining?
Kavita
That’s Lydia. Her stuff is satire. It’s supposed to be funny.
Henry
I thought it was annoying.
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Kavita
Well, it’s poking fun at a certain type of woman.
Henry
But why? Of all the interesting characters out there, what is supposed to be accomplished
by making fun of her?
Kavita
Why satirize Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton? These people need to be satirized or society
will take them seriously. Would you deny society the pleasure of seeing them made
ridiculous? There are Brighton-wanting bitches all around us!
The WAITRESS returns with their drinks. HENRY gives her his credit card. She exits.
Henry
So you think that by satirizing this girl, um-
Kavita
Lydia-
Henry
Yes, Lydia. Or Lindsay or Paris for that matter, society will be saved?
Kavita
Well, not entirely, but at least some small segment of society is given reprieve, knowing
that we’re not crazy and that most people around us are idiots so we are free to laugh at
them instead of cry.
Henry
You realize all the people you’re talking about are white, right?
Kavita
What does that have to do with anything?
Henry
Only that you’re talking about society as if everyone were white. You’re not; I’m not.
Why should we pay attention to Lindsay or Paris? What do they have to do with us?
Kavita
I don’t know about you, but I live in an integrated world where the races mix freely. I
can talk about Beyoncé too if that would make you feel better.
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Henry
But you’d still be using a colonialist author to frame your argument.
Kavita
I’m merely using Jane Austen as an example of a way to affect society.
Henry
Well, I can think of better ways to affect the intelligent people in society than satire in
mainstream romance novels. I mean, I realize that all of these authors are products of
their times, but just look at the Shelley mother and daughter. One wrote political treatises
while the other wrote Frankenstein. And their lives overlap with your Miss Austen.
Besides, who really cares about the Lydias or Lindsays or Parises of the world?
Kavita
Everyone does! They’re the top news stories.
Henry
They’re the covers of People magazine.
Kavita
And the Post.
Henry
The Post is a rag.
Kavita
Agreed but people read it.
Henry
No one takes that stuff seriously.
Kavita
People do take these characters very seriously, now just as much as back then. Honestly,
I don’t see that so much has changed socially since Regency times. Most people are
more interested in my marriage prospects than in my career.
Henry
Really?
Kavita
Most common first question - “Are you seeing anyone?” Why doesn’t anyone ask me
about my job? And when I was in a relationship, people wanted to know how it was
going. I’m not just talking about old Indian people, although they do a pretty good job of
it. I’m talking about young people, Asian people, white people, our peers.
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Henry
Well no one ever asks me.
Kavita
That’s my point. You’re a man. Who cares if you’re married?
Henry
And all this time I thought it was that I’d been dumped at the altar.
Kavita
(Pause) Oh God. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up a sore topic-
Henry
It’s not a sore topic. I’m sure it’s much worse for her being a woman and all.
Kavita
No, I really am sorry. I can’t imagine…I mean, I didn’t mean to… I’m…
Henry
It’s okay.
Kavita
No, Henry, Violet told me, just a little bit, and I’m really sorry that happened to you.
Henry
Thank you, Kavita.
Silence.
Henry
But you were making a point about women and marriage and Jane Austen?
Kavita
Well, I guess my point was that at least in Jane Austen, the heroines are recognized for
their own merits. And they would never leave someone at the altar.
Henry
Of course not, their accomplishments are actually marrying rich men.
Kavita
Their accomplishments are finding partners who value them for themselves. You must
see the value in that. Today women are still seen as prizes to be won rather than partners
to engage. It’s better to be pretty than smart.
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Henry
You don’t think people marry for love?
Kavita
I don’t know what they marry for. I think most people marry because it’s time and they
don’t want to be alone.
Henry
That’s awfully cynical for the defender of the romantic novel.
Kavita
Well, maybe I am cynical. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy good fiction.
Henry
But that’s just it. Jane Austen is fiction in the truest sense. I don’t believe that people
ever fall in love like in her books, not even in Regency times.
Kavita
Well, who’s the cynic now? I think it can happen. Maybe it doesn’t happen often, but I
think it can. Look, I love Jane Austen because she writes about real, intelligent women
who overcome the way society sees them to find their own happiness. I could do without
Mansfield Park and the weird cousin love thing, but the other books-
VIOLET re-enters and seats herself with them.
Violet
Do I hear mention of Miss Austen?
Kavita
I was just saying-
Violet
Ooh! Hot topic! She’s passionate about Jane Austen.
Henry
I noticed. (Pause) She’s also bemoaning the state of modern marriage and I think pop
culture altogether.
Violet
She’s just aggravated because she hasn’t found her Mr. Darcy.
Kavita
Oh Violet, don’t be so smug just because you found yours.
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Violet
It’s true.
Kavita
I would admire Elizabeth Bennett even if she didn’t marry Darcy.
Henry
But you are glad that she did? (Pause.) Well, how would you know if you met a Darcy?
Kavita
I don’t know. I think I would probably hate him at first.
Henry
Perhaps you would disagree about something?
Violet
Maybe something like Jane Austen!
Kavita
Perhaps. (Pause) You know, I think this wine has turned. I’m going to get another one.
Can I get anything for either of you?
Henry
Perhaps if you had asked me in a more gentlewomanly manner… (Kavita glares at him)
Actually I think I’m fine.
KAVITA exits.
Violet
She’s something, isn’t she? I told you you would like her.
Henry
She’s definitely something, though I’m not sure what.
Violet
Maybe you should call her and ask her out sometime.
Henry
I don’t know, Violet. I don’t really think we get along.
Violet
Don’t be silly. Not getting along is totally hot. That’s like the first 400 pages of Pride
and Prejudice.
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Henry
That’s what I’m afraid of…
Scene shifts to VIOLET and KAVITA at their office, perhaps in the break room where KAVITA is
writing something furiously.
Violet
So Henry asked for your number. Can I give it to him?
Kavita
I’d rather you gave him my email.
Violet
Why not just talk to him on the phone? You’ve already met him.
Kavita
I’m just more comfortable with email. I like to see whether a person can write.
Violet
He’s a writer.
Kavita
So are the reporters for USA Today, and that rag is filled with grammatical errors. The
ability to use the English language properly is very important to me. It’s a sign of
whether the person has succumbed to total cultural devolution or not.
Violet
Fine. Gmail or earthlink?
Kavita
Gmail, but spell my name with two e’s instead of an i.
Violet
Why?
Kavita
Just to see what would happen if he got the wrong address.
Violet
He’ll wind up asking some other girl named Kaveeta with two e’s out.
Kavita
Yes, but then what?
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Violet
But then what what?
Kavita
I just want to see how sincere he is. I mean he kind of seems like a Mr. Collins to me.
Or a Wickham!
Violet
Kavi, I thought that you might accuse me of setting you up with a Colonel Brandon type
but Henry as a Wickham?
Kavita
All that quoting Austen and reading books and being supercilious.
Violet
He quoted Austen?
Kavita
Yeah, you were there - when I got up to get another glass of wine? He was all
“gentlewomanly manner” and such. He was trying too hard.
Violet
If he’s Wickham, are you Elizabeth?
Kavita
Of course. Everyone is Elizabeth in their own life.
Violet
Then who am I?
Kavita
It’s been a toss up between Jane and Mrs. Bennett although right now I think you’re a
little bit like Lydia.
Violet
Lydia! You’ve got to be kidding!
Kavita
Well, Lydia was taken in by Wickham from the get go. You’re all about Henry. I mean,
if you like him so much, why don’t you run off with him?
Violet
This is ridiculous. First of all, I am not about to run off with Henry, I’m pregnant!
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Kavita
Like Heidi Klum and Seal. Think of the scandal!
Violet
Actually, I think the father of Heidi Klum’s first child left her and then she got together
with Seal. But I am not leaving William to be with Henry or Seal or anyone else. Kavita,
have you ever considered the possibility that your life may not be a modern day version
of Pride and Prejudice?
Kavita
I don’t think my life is a modern day version of Pride and Prejudice. I am simply using
the novel as a lens through which to look at the world, to order the chaos.
Violet
Well what if another novel would serve as a better, uh, lens?
Kavita
What novel would you suggest? And if you say Persuasion, I’m going to freak out.
Violet
I love Persuasion!
Kavita
It’s about a woman who’s so old that she’s past the point of no return and no one thinks
she’s ever going to get married.
Violet
But she does get married.
Kavita
To someone who judged her very harshly when she couldn’t do what he wanted when he
wanted her to.
Violet
It’s about second chances, the opportunity to correct a past mistake.
Kavita
Second chances? Are you implying that I made a mistake when I broke up with…
Violet
No, Kavi! You know how I feel about He Whose Name We Cannot Mention. I would
never tell you to go back to that arrogant, self-centered sell-out, even if he broke up with
that prepubescent slut. I just think it might be time for you to move on.
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Kavita
I am not past the point of no return. 35 is still a few months away.
Violet
I don’t think there is a point of no return. And if there is, it’s not 35. Look at Mariska
Hargitay!
Kavita
Mariska Hargitay is not Indian.
Violet
Mariska Hargitay is a beautiful, intelligent woman with an unusual name just like you.
She got married at 40 to a really hot guy. I don’t think you should limit yourself by
declaring a point of no return and looking at everything as if it were a Jane Austen novel.
Kavita
But all of Jane Austen’s novels end well. The right people end up together.
Violet
Well the characters hardly know that. Elizabeth liked Wickham when she first met him.
Kavita
But Elizabeth hadn’t read Pride and Prejudice.
Violet
Kavita, you don’t even make any sense now. Can I give Henry your number or not?
Kavita
Fine. Whatever. Give my phone number to the villain. Even though I am more
comfortable with email.
Violet
I think it’s ridiculous to give someone the wrong email address as a test. If you don’t
want to talk to him, then I won't give him any of your information. It just makes me look
stupid.
Kavita
You can blame any and all mistakes you make on being with child. Besides, I kind of get
the feeling that Henry only asked for my number because you made him.
Violet
I did not!
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Kavita
You did. That’s why I think you’re like Mrs. Bennett because you are so concerned with
getting everyone all paired off. I am getting a strong Wickham vibe from him. Look at
his sordid past.
Violet
You know, Kavi, Henry is a really great guy, and I think that you’re making a big
mistake by reducing him to a minor character in a novel. If you keep doing that, you
might end up like Jane Austen.
Kavita
The most widely read author in the English language?
Violet
Single.
Silence.
Kavita
Single? As if that is the worst thing that could happen to a person. I mean if I don’t get
married, so what? Who cares? You are worse than my family, always trying to push me
off on some guy or the other.
Violet
I am not, Kavi!
Kavita
Seriously, Vi! The last time I went to India, my uncle had a different bachelor come to
tea every day for a week. It was humiliating enough having these guys come around to
take a look at me. And then when the trip ended and I wasn’t engaged, everyone looked
so sad. It was so sad. (Pause) I don’t need you to do that to me, too.
Violet
I’m sorry, Kavi. I didn’t mean it like that. I just want you to be happy.
Kavita
I am happy. I have a great life. I have my work and my friends and you and Miss
Austen.
Violet
Okay, if you’re happy, then I’m happy. Hey, why don’t we check out that exhibit at the
Met before we leave? Want to go on Saturday afternoon?
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Kavita
You really want to spend your last weekend at home with me instead of William?
Violet
William wants to watch college football. Besides, I really want to see that exhibit with
you.
Kavita
Okay, Vi. I’d love to.
VIOLET and KAVITA exit. The scene shifts to a museum exhibit, where we see HENRY facing
upstage looking at an item as KAVITA and VIOLET re-enter.
Violet
I wonder how people managed children with all this stuff.
Kavita
They had well-behaved children who stayed in the nursery and did not ruin the adult
furniture.
Violet
I don’t think that’s a choice in a one-bedroom apartment in Manhattan.
Kavita
No, the choice in Manhattan is whether to have children at all.
Violet
Kavi! I know you want kids.
Kavita
No baby talk in the museum! And no baby talk in England.
HENRY, hearing them turns around.
Henry
Violet! Kavita! What a surprise!
Kavita
What is he doing here?
Violet
I don’t know. Henry! How funny to run into you here!
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Henry
Just thought I would check out a museum on a Saturday afternoon.
Kavita
An exhibit of Regency furniture and handicrafts was of interest to you?
Henry
Why not? Maybe I thought I would broaden my horizons
Kavita
It’s just so mainstream of you. Only white people sat on this furniture.
Henry
But who do you think made it?
Kavita
Skilled English artisans, unlike every stitch of that Banana Republic clothing you’re
wearing which was clearly made in China, India, or the Philippines.
Henry
Touché!
Kavita
Besides, this doesn’t seem like the kind of thing a straight guy would do by himself on a
Saturday afternoon.
Henry
Who said I was straight?
Violet
Henry, what a sense of humor you have! I think it’s just great that you ran into us here.
Henry
You must be excited for your trip?
Violet
We leave next week!
Kavita
Just brushing up before we go.
Henry
Did you check out that biopic from a few years ago?
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Kavita
“Becoming Jane?” Dreadful.
Henry
Really?
Violet
Yeah, it looked beautiful, especially that James McAvoy and his sexy Scottish accent, but
the whole story was made up.
Kavita
Ha! Jane Austen running away with someone - come on! Read the books people - she
did not look kindly upon eloping.
Henry
No, she preferred that everyone stay in their own caste.
Kavita
Did you just say caste to me?
Violet
Kavi, don’t we have to get our travelers’ checks?
Kavita
On a Saturday?
Henry
You’re using travelers’ checks?
Violet
I told William I would deposit his check, and the bank closes early today. Come on.
VIOLET drags KAVITA offstage while HENRY continues after them.
Henry
Well, don’t let me keep you. I was thinking about our discussion at that bar, and thought
maybe we could talk about it sometime…
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As the scene shifts, HENRY listens and responds to the voicemail that we hear. HENRY exits
with resolve at the end of the message.
Angela (vo)
Hey Henry. It’s Angela. I got your message the other day about the satellite dish, and it
turns out this guy Jean-Luc who lives downstairs is really great with that stuff and totally
hooked me up. He’s really amazing. (Pause) So about that, the rest of your message, I
mean, I think it’s great to take some time off from the relationship in order to nurture the
relationship. I mean you will always be really important to me, obviously, since I almost
married you! But I do think time off is the right thing to do, especially now since I’ve
started seeing someone, Jean-Luc actually, and I wouldn’t want that to effect us or for us
to effect- (Loud beep from machine.)
Scene has shifted to the inside of an English estate, Sudbury Hall. A TOURGUIDE wheels out a
dummy dressed like Colin Firth in the Pride and Prejudice movie. He stands beside it and
begins to deliver his speech about the room they are in.
Thomas
We are now in the Saloon at Sudbury Hall. This room was historically used as a dining
room and parlor. Now it is sometimes rented out for weddings.
Kavita
Oh my god! Can you imagine getting married here?
Violet
It’s too beautiful.
Kavita
Oh my god! Look at those clothes. They’re Mr. Darcy’s clothes from the movie! Ooh!
Take a picture of me with them!
Thomas
Excuse me ladies. There is no photography inside the house. Everything has been
restored very carefully and is quite sensitive to light.
Violet
Even if I don’t use a flash?
Thomas
’Fraid not. It’s a very strict rule here at Sudbury.
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Violet
I don’t suppose you could bend the rules a little for a pregnant lady, could you?
Thomas
Some rules are meant not to be broken.
KAVITA and VIOLET grumble a little to the side and then approach the guide again.
Kavita
It’s just that we came all the way from America just to see this house because of Mr.
Darcy in the movie and all.
Thomas
From the Republic of Pemberley, are we?
Violet
What’s that?
Kavita
It’s an online community for Austen fans.
Thomas
Fanatics.
Kavita
They are a very educated and erudite group.
Thomas
They think they are.
Kavita
What do you mean by that?
Thomas
Jane Austen is but one writer of the period. This house is filled with so much more
history than the simple love story told by a hopeless spinster.
Violet
Oh brother.
Kavita
Jane Austen cannot be reduced to the title of “hopeless spinster.”
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Violet
You know, Kavi, I think we should go into the next room. (Starts to pull her away)
Thomas
Of course not - she is the most widely read author in the English language. I just tire of
tourists asking me questions about where Colin Firth stood in this room instead of
looking at the room itself.
Kavita
I highly doubt such people are members of the Republic of Pemberley. True Austen fans
are interested in the historical context of the novel, which is why they come to see houses
of the era. And if those houses happened to be in certain film adaptations of her novels,
well then so be it.
Thomas
Well put! I’d say you would make Miss Austen proud. You must be a true acolyte.
However I do find that often the Jane Austen fana- I mean fans, spend so much time
taking pictures that they never really look at anything. I think you might find it more
meaningful to spend the time contemplating this beautiful room.
Kavita
You’re probably right. I just wanted a picture to remember this moment.
Thomas
(Taking a postcard out of his pocket) Well, what if I gave this to you? It’s a postcard
that they don’t sell in the bookstore anymore. Too bad that chap is blocking the fireplace.
Kavita
Oh my god! Is that Colin Firth? I love it!
Violet
Wow! Why don’t they sell them anymore?
Thomas
They caused such a delirium in the bookstore that they had to give the last of the stock to
the staff.
Kavita
Well, if it’s the last one, I wouldn’t want to take it from you.
Thomas
Clearly it would mean more to you than to me. And besides, I see old Darcy here every
day!
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Kavita
Thank you…
Thomas
Thomas. I’m Thomas Dale.
Kavita
I’m Kavita Marathe. And this is Violet Lee. (they all shake hands.) I have a strange
question Thomas. Do you think I could touch him?
Thomas
Obviously that is strictly off limits. But I suppose if I were to look the other way and you
were to touch the mannequin with only one finger… (He looks away as Kavita extends
her arm to touch the mannequin with one finger.)
Kavita
(Squeals) Thank you!
Thomas
Whatever for?
Kavita
For letting me touch-
Thomas
I don’t know what you are talking about. (He winks at her.) Now let’s press on to the
Great Staircase.
The scene shifts to the next room on the tour.
Kavita
Wow, this room is exactly like the movie.
Thomas
This is the Great Staircase. It is considered to be one of the grandest in all of England.
Notice the elaborate woodwork.
Violet
Isn’t this the room where they looked at the pictures of Mr. Darcy and Wickham?
Thomas
The portraits are upstairs in the Long Gallery.
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Kavita
This is where they looked at the miniatures of them.
Thomas
Truly searching for historical context, I see.
Kavita
I’m not actually a member of the Republic of Pemberley.
Violet
She’s a member of the Republic of watching the DVD over and over again.
Thomas
I suppose you’re either on your way to or from Lyme Park then.
Kavita
As a matter of fact, we are. On our way. We’re going tomorrow. Have you been?
Thomas
Of course! It’s another National Trust property and not too far either. I actually started
working there but moved to this house about a year ago. I find the interiors of this house
so much more interesting. Lyme Park is rather overstuffed.
Violet
I’m sure.
Kavita
Really?
Thomas
I actually study historical preservation. I’m working on my doctorate in anthropology. I
work at the National Trust as part of my field work.
Kavita
Wow! How fascinating! I think academia is such an honorable pursuit.
Thomas
Thank you. We should press on to the Long Gallery or there won’t be time for questions
at the end. (He exits)
Kavita
Oh my God, Vi, I think he’s Mr. Darcy.
Violet
Him? Are you kidding? He’s a pretentious bore.
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Kavita
But in a dashing Colin Firth kind of way. Look, he argued with me about Jane Austen,
and yet he knows everything about her. He’s cute. He’s English. He’s perfect!
Violet
You have lost your mind. He is totally condescending. He keeps insulting you.
Kavita
But he gave me this postcard and let me touch the costume.
Violet
He’s making fun of you.
Kavita
I like him.
Violet
I know.
They exit and the scene shifts to the Long Gallery. THOMAS, VIOLET, and KAVITA re-enter.
Thomas
This is the Long Gallery. It measures 138 feet and is one of the largest portrait galleries
in a private home in England. The portraits are hung as they would have been in the late
19th century, a bit later than your film but very much in the same style.
Violet
It does look like the movie.
Kavita
Yeah, like the scene where Colin Firth-
Thomas
Walks down this hall with a candlestick.
Kavita
Exactly the one!
Thomas
A bit phallic, don’t you think?
Kavita
What?
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Thomas
The candlestick. It’s a bit much for me.
Kavita
I never thought of it like that before.
Thomas
Come on! He is preparing himself to declare his true love to Elizabeth Bennett and as he
thinks of her in the darkness, he grips his candlestick?
Kavita
Eww! No!
Thomas
Next you’ll tell me you never noticed how he always seems to be wet when trying to rid
himself of her memory. Whatever could it mean?
Violet
She definitely noticed that.
Kavita
Stop it, Violet. I do not know what you are trying to say, Thomas.
Thomas
Dirty buggers. That film is sexual innuendo dressed up in period costumes.
Kavita
Is that not reflective of the times, Mr. Anthropology?
Thomas
So we agree?
Kavita
We do not agree. The film is fraught with sexual tension as is the novel, but I would
hardly say that it is about masturbation or whatever other devious things you are trying to
imply.
Thomas
I’m not implying. I’m stating.
Kavita
You are wrong.
Thomas
You are very opinionated.
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Kavita
As are you. (She stomps away with Violet) Is it wrong that I am completely turned on by
this?
Violet
Yes! Yes it is very, very wrong.
Kavita
But he knows the movie inside and out.
Violet
So do lots of other people.
Kavita
Men? Straight men? You think other men know this stuff? Your Henry could barely get
through one scene of it.
Violet
My Henry is not a pompous ass. Please do not throw yourself at this man because of his
knowledge of one movie. Trust me, there is more to marriage than a shared taste in film.
Kavita
Violet, I’m not going to propose. I am going to flirt. That’s all. (Returning to Thomas)
I’m sorry I was so rude just then. How can I make it up to you?
Thomas
No need. I was out of line. My job description does not include berating my wards about
their misguided attempts at learning about English history.
Violet
Listen, Tom. We’re not here for a lecture on English history. We’re here on a Pride and
Prejudice tour, and we want to learn about everything Austen, including everything in the
Austen films. So please, let us enjoy ourselves in our Jane Austen reverie.
Thomas
Very well then. This way to the room where they shot Colin Firth taking a bath in a
copper tub.
Kavita
For real?
Thomas
No, not for real. I apologize. It’s been a long week. It was very ungentlemanly of me to
attack you for your own interests. Not everyone can have the same appreciation of 19th
century restoration that I do.
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Kavita
Well, maybe we just don’t know enough about it. I mean Violet and I have done
extensive research for our tour from a very specific perspective. Perhaps you’d like to
expand our minds?
Thomas
I’ll tell you what. I’m off tomorrow. What if I showed you around Lyme Park so that
you could see beyond the exteriors from your film?
Kavita
Really?
Thomas
Truly.
Kavita
That would be great!
Thomas
Shall I meet you at the entrance then, tomorrow at noon?
Kavita
Great! We’ll see you there. We’re staying in Bakewell tonight.
Thomas
Charming village. Famous for its tarts (Winks. No response.) Shall we press on to the
bedrooms before concluding the tour of Sudbury Hall?
Kavita
Oh let’s!
Scene shifts to a room in an old English inn. KAVITA is wearing a long nightgown in the
Regency style while VIOLET is in sweats, checking her computer.
Kavita
You’re awfully quiet.
Violet
Just checking my email.
Kavita
It seemed like you weren’t having fun at Sudbury.
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Violet
It was fine.
Kavita
Well, I really want you to have fun, okay?
Violet
I just thought we got a little off topic with the guide.
Kavita
But I thought you wanted me to get off topic-
Violet
Hey, Henry is coming to England!
Kavita
Are you kidding me? You totally set this up!
Violet
I did not! He just emailed me…
HENRY appears in his traveling clothes.
Henry
Dear Vi, You won’t believe it, but I just got an assignment to go to Bath and cover the
Jane Austen Festival. Isn’t that one of the stops on your crazy tour? I don’t know if
you’re checking email, but if you can, drop me a note and let me know if you can squeeze
me in to your busy schedule of events. Maybe I could go to tea or something similarly
English and stuffy with you and your freakish friend. Henry.
HENRY disappears.
Violet
He’s going to Bath and wants to see us!
Kavita
Wants to see you.
Violet
He mentioned you too, and he’d love to take tea with us. Why not? We don’t know
anybody else on this trip.
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Kavita
We know Thomas.
Violet
Ugh. We don’t really know him.
Kavita
Well, I don’t really know Henry.
Violet
You could get to know him in Bath. I bet he would really appreciate your knowledge
about the history of the place.
Kavita
We’re getting to know Thomas. I really appreciate his knowledge of the history of these
grand old homes.
Violet
Well, I’m going to email Henry and ask him to tea. It’s such a remarkable coincidence.
Kavita
Isn’t it though?
Violet
(as she finishes typing) And send … I think I’ll turn in. You know, ever since I got
pregnant, I can barely stay up past 10.
Kavita
I thought that was ever since you got married.
Violet
(giggling) Yeah, I guess it is since then. Goodnight!
Kavita
Goodnight! (She pulls out her copy of “Pride and Prejudice” and reads.)
Scene shifts to the front of Lyme Park, a stately manor in Derbyshire. It is raining. VIOLET and
KAVITA are standing under an umbrella waiting for THOMAS.
Violet
That ass has stood us up.
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Kavita
I don’t think Thomas would do such a thing. He’s not like that.
Violet
You don’t even know him.
Kavita
I know him enough to know that he’s sincere, and he wouldn’t stand us up.
Violet
You are living in a fantasy world.
Kavita
And isn’t it beautiful?
Violet
It would be more beautiful inside the building as we planned.
Kavita
Our plan was simply to see all the houses that played Pemberley. And actually it’s the
outside of this one that was in the movie. We can hardly turn down a personal tour. It’s
such a lovely surprise. Plus, you’re the one who’s always telling me to open myself up to
new people.
Violet
Not some English prick.
Kavita
I think he’s charming.
Sound of thunder and then rain. THOMAS enters, drenched with a broken umbrella.
Kavita
Thomas! Are you okay? We were worried!
Violet
You’re drenched!
Kavita
(to Violet) Like in the movie! I can’t believe it.
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Thomas
I’ve obviously had some difficulty with my umbrella. (He starts to shake it furiously and
then jumps on it.) Damn thing. I thought I’d save a bob by parking in the staff lot and
wound up in a torrential downpour. Ghastly!
Kavita
You can come stand under ours.
Thomas
It hardly matters now. Damn! I’m sorry for keeping you ladies waiting.
Kavita
It’s okay.
Thomas
I’m sorry - I had an awful row with my mother this morning, and it has evidently started
things off on the wrong foot.
Kavita
It’s no trouble. We’re just delighted that you could show us around.
Thomas
It’s my pleasure to show you a small part of the National Trust since you came all the
way over the pond to see it.
Violet
That’s not exactly what we came to see-
Kavita
We came to see whatever you want to show us.
Thomas
I know it is the exterior of this house that interests you ladies, but perhaps in light of this
dreadful English weather, I can show you something of interest inside.
Kavita
Oh sure!
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They follow THOMAS around as the scene shifts to the inside of Lyme Park. THOMAS tries to
dry off as he begins the tour.
Thomas
Well you are now standing in the Entrance Hall of Lyme Park. Formerly the Elizabethan
Hall, this room was remodeled in the 18th century to reflect classical tastes that were
popular at the time. I believe this is the house that made your Miss Elizabeth Bennett
warm to Mr. Darcy.
Kavita
Yes, it was seeing his estate that made her think of him again, especially when she knew
that it could have been hers.
Thomas
A materialist at heart, then.
Kavita
I wouldn’t say that. She just thought about it. Everybody thinks about it.
Violet
I didn’t think about it. I knew William was broke when I met him.
Thomas
You are perhaps fond of some other novel, then.
Violet
Nope. I pretty much like Jane Austen. Unlike some people, I read novels purely for
enjoyment rather than a reference guide to life.
Kavita
Sure you do. And you never refer to William as your Mr. Darcy.
Violet
Figuratively speaking as we do sometimes. He’s my soul mate. But I didn’t have to go
through any big drama to figure it out.
Thomas
I suspect that the big drama is yet to come.
Violet
And what is that supposed to mean?
Thomas
Only that childbirth seems to me to be very dramatic.
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Violet
Oh that. Yes, I guess so. I’m sure it’ll be quite an experience.
Kavita
Violet wanted to take the trip before she had the baby. We both have friends who’ve
completely lost their minds after having children and don’t do anything for themselves.
Violet
I don’t plan on losing my mind, but I know it’ll be harder after the baby comes.
Thomas
No one ever does plan on it.
Kavita
Violet only plans things in other people’s lives. In her own, the miracles just happen.
Violet
While in Kavita’s nothing happens because she never leaves the house.
Kavita
I’d say coming to England is leaving the house, wouldn’t you Thomas?
Thomas
Well, yes but-
Violet
Yes, she’s stopped watching her DVD so that she can come here and try to live it.
Thomas
Perhaps-
Kavita
I’m having an adventure, which is more than I can say for you, Miss Doom and Gloom
Pregnant Lady.
Violet
You just can’t stand that I’m pregnant, can you?
Thomas
Ladies-
Kavita
That is ridiculous. I can’t stand that you’re so self-righteous and pass it off as hormones.
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Violet
Well I can’t stand that you’re so narrow-minded and pass it off as literary passion.
Kavita
I do have literary passion.
Violet
More like an obsession with a DVD!
Kavita
You know, being pregnant does not exempt you from being a bitch!
Thomas
Ladies! Enough of this. We are in a grand manor that deserves our respect, as do the
other visitors. I think you two should separate at once and cool off.
Violet
Fine!
Kavita
Fine!
They glare at each other for a moment before VIOLET flounces off.
Violet
(As she exits.) I have to go to pee anyway!
Thomas
What was that all about?
Kavita
She’s just jealous because I’m having fun, and she’s not.
Thomas
Well, why isn’t she having fun?
Kavita
Look at her! She’s pregnant. Her life is about to be over!
Thomas
Some people might say that her life is just beginning.
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Kavita
I’ll bet those are the same dumb people that say life isn’t worth living unless you’re
married.
Thomas
Is that what she says?
Kavita
Not exactly. She just implies it with her endless meddling. She tries to make things the
way she thinks they should be, and sometimes that’s just not the way they’re supposed to
be.
Thomas
But it seems as if this trip was your idea.
Kavita
It was my idea. I wanted to go on a tour of the Peak District just like Elizabeth Bennett,
and Violet was the one person I know who understood. She’s the only one who gets why
I love Jane Austen. And then she went and invited Henry.
Thomas
Who’s Henry?
Kavita
This awful guy that Violet’s been trying to fix me up with.
Thomas
Doesn’t she know you only have eyes for Darcy?
Kavita
Seriously!
Thomas
That Colin Firth is quite a lucky man!
Kavita
I’m not in love with Colin Firth. I thought he was terrible in Bridget Jones 2. It’s Mr.
Darcy.
Thomas
What’s the difference?
Kavita
Colin Firth is a real person, and Mr. Darcy, well, he’s a …
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Thomas
A what?
Kavita
A character. But one that could live inside of anyone.
Thomas
The way Elizabeth Bennett lives inside of you?
Kavita
Yes! (Pause) No one has ever noticed that before.
A pause and then they kiss.
Kavita
I have been dreaming of this moment for my whole life, or at least since the first time I
read Pride and Prejudice which was when I was fourteen so-
Thomas
Shhh … you are the chattiest Eliza Bennett that I ever met!
They kiss again. The scene shifts to a tea room. KAVITA and VIOLET are seated at a table
looking at menus.
Kavita
Violet, I wish you could be happy for me.
Violet
I am happy for you. I just don’t trust that guy, and I worry that you’re too wrapped in
your fantasy to notice if anything’s wrong.
Kavita
But isn’t that what love is? A fantasy? When you’re so wrapped up that you don’t even
notice anything else? Listen, I was there when you met William, and you couldn’t tell the
stars from the sky! And need I remind you that you have made some decisions that
weren’t always my favorites, but I smiled and carried on for you. For God’s sake, I’m
throwing your baby shower.
Violet
And I will throw yours when the time comes.
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Kavita
No! No more when the time comes and promises of things that will happen some day in
the future for me. This is happening now. I need you to be happy and celebrate for me
now!
Violet
I am happy for you Kavi.
Kavita
You’re not acting like it; it’s like when Charlotte tells Elizabeth that she’s marrying Mr.
Collins-
Violet
Are you marrying Thomas?
Kavita
No, not yet, maybe. But I am having the most romantic time of my life. I’m having fun,
with someone, besides you! Don’t you want me to have that?
Violet
If that’s how you feel about it, then how can I say no?
Kavita
You can’t!
Enter HENRY.
Henry
Ladies! How are you? Having a good trip?
Kavita
Yes, we’re having the most romantic time!
Violet
Why don’t you have a seat Henry? You’ll share a cream tea with us, won’t you?
Henry
Whatever that is, it sounds nice.
Violet
(gesturing to the WAITRESS) Three cream teas please with a pot of English Breakfast.
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Kavita
It’s tea with scones and clotted cream. Violet and I have had it every day.
Henry
How very English of you.
Kavita
When in Rome…
Henry
Colonize some other people.
Kavita
What?
Henry
That saying is about behaving according to the customs of the land, but I would hardly
say that the Romans or the English were very good about that. More interested in
spreading their own customs, don’t you think?
Kavita
Interesting viewpoint. I think it’s fun to engage in the customs of the land I’m visiting
and even take some back. I’d love to do tea everyday at home.
Violet
High tea would be pretty nice.
Kavita
And English breakfast. I love having ham and bacon with my eggs!
Violet
I’d import rugby. I think it’s way more fun to watch than football.
Henry
Really, Vi? I wouldn’t have thought that.
Violet
Yeah, I really like it. I don’t know why.
Henry
If we were going to import customs, I’d like to import siesta from Spain. I’m surprised
they don’t have it here since the rain just makes me feel like sleeping all the time.
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Kavita
Yeah, the weather’s been ghastly for our whole trip so far. We were really lucky to get
any pictures at all at Lyme Park. It stopped raining for 5 minutes - just long enough for
us to run outside and have Thomas take our picture.
Henry
Thomas?
Kavita
My new boyfriend, Thomas.
Henry
Your boyfriend?
Violet
Yeah, he’s a regular Mr. Darcy.
Kavita
He is. He’s dreamy!
Henry
Well, this is quite a change.
Kavita
I think I’ve finally met the right person.
Henry
Did he argue with you when you met him?
Kavita
Pretty much.
Henry
Is he white?
Kavita
Race has nothing to do with it, Henry.
Henry
So then he is your Mr. Darcy.
Kavita
I think so.
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Violet
Except that I found them sucking face at Lyme Park. Very un-Austen.
Henry
Scandalous!
Kavita
It was! But we are allowed to have anachronistic moments.
Violet
How very Keira Knightley!
Kavita
Don’t even talk to me about that movie. All that running around in their nightgowns.
You won’t see me talking to strangers in my nightgown.
Henry
I thought the guy who played Darcy was pretty good.
Kavita
You saw it?
Henry
I saw it on a plane. I thought it was interesting.
Kavita
But I thought you hated Jane Austen.
Henry
I never said that. I merely suggested that she’s not quite the social commentator you
seem to think she is.
Kavita
Humph! Well Thomas is very knowledgeable about Austen.
Violet
Oh, Thomas is very knowledgeable about a variety of subjects.
Henry
He’s a Brit. I’m sure he is.
Kavita
He’s actually an anthropology PhD candidate specializing in historical restorations and
gives tours at one of the houses we visited. They call it ABD, all but dissertation.
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Henry
Well, that sounds like the perfect match then.
Violet
Henry, you didn’t say in your email what your assignment was here.
Henry
Well, it’s funny really. I got offered the opportunity to cover the festival for one of the
magazines that I write for and figured I could really use a change. You know, Violet,
getting into another space. So I’ve actually read a couple of your Miss Austen’s novels
as research, and now I’m here. I read that Northanger Abbey book that you told me
about.
Kavita
Really? What did you think?
Violet
Kavi and I disagree about that one. I really don’t like it.
Henry
Less conventional than the other novels. I think it has a good sense of humor. And her
defense of the novel is brilliant.
Kavita
Wow, Henry! I really wouldn’t expect you to like it.
Henry
You might find that I am full of surprises.
Violet
So what are your plans while you’re here?
Henry
I’ll visit the exhibits of course, and I seem to have a ticket to the Ball.
Violet
You do? That’s wonderful. Now I’ll have a date!
Kavita
Thomas is coming tonight so that he can go to the Ball with me. This is perfect if you
can escort Violet.
Henry
Yes, perfect.
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Violet
Don’t worry, Henry. You can’t even tell that I’m pregnant in my ball gown. Empire
waist hides everything.
Henry
That’s what I’ve heard.
Kavita
What are you going to wear?
Henry
Breeches?
Kavita
For real?
Henry
Sadly, yes. I’ve rented some kind of crazy Regency get-up for this thing. I don’t know
how to do any of the dances. I’m guessing I’ll be standing on the side taking notes and
being uncomfortable.
Violet
As long as you keep me company.
Kavita
So we’re all going to the ball tomorrow night! Fantastic!
Henry
Do I have to sign up early to get a dance with you?
Kavita
I don’t think so since I only know two guys here. But I thought you didn’t know how to
dance.
Henry
Perhaps you could put me through my paces. I’m not a bad dancer.
Violet
Henry is a good dancer!
Kavita
If you really want to, I’ll save the second dance for you. If it’s a dance I know. I only
know a few.
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Henry
The second dance you know. Good.
Violet
Do you think Thomas would deign to dance with me?
Kavita
I don’t see why not. He is a gentleman.
The WAITRESS appears with a tea service, sets it down, and then exits.
Violet
And when do you fly back, Henry?
Henry
Monday. What about you?
Violet
Sunday. Unless Kavita stays on.
Kavita
No, I’ll head back with you Violet. I can’t let you fly home alone in your condition.
Anyway, I have to go to work on Monday. See when I can get vacation to come back.
Henry
So you’re really serious about this guy?
Kavita
Mmm-hmmm.
Henry
And you think he’s the one.
Kavita
Maybe. It’s a little early to say…
Henry
But how can you tell?
Kavita
I don’t know. I‘ve got a feeling.
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Violet
She’s got a feeling alright.
Henry
But you don’t like him?
Violet
I didn’t say that I didn’t like him.
Henry
Because you didn’t like Angela, and let me tell you Kavita, Violet was right.
Kavita
Was she?
Henry
Yeah, Violet sees what’s really there.
Kavita
Well, when you meet him tomorrow, you can tell me what you think of him yourself.
Henry
It’s just that when I was reading the books, I was wondering how anyone knows that the
right person is the right person. Is this Thomas really your Mr. Darcy? Why didn’t I
notice that Angela was like Isabella Thorpe?
Kavita
She was?
Violet
Isabella Thorpe. Good one. I would have just said harpy.
Kavita
Everyone makes mistakes, Henry. All of Miss Austen’s characters do.
Henry
But Violet knew that Angela was wrong. And I didn’t.
Violet
Oh Henry, I’m sorry I was so harsh. I never liked the girl; that’s all. It wasn’t that I
thought she was wrong for you. I just thought she was a bitch.
Henry
You say you like Jane Austen because her heroines are recognized for themselves. How
do you know if you are really seeing someone’s true self?
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Kavita
It’s just a feeling?
Violet
It is a feeling that you back up with meticulous research and a lot of work. You have to
decide to make it work out with someone.
Kavita
And they have to decide to make it work with you.
Henry
But how do you know if you’ve made the right decision? That’s why I have a problem
with your Miss Austen. Those characters all seem so sure they found the right one.
Kavita
There’s plenty of smug married people all around us, Henry. Not you, of course, Violet.
But just because you have a giant rock on your finger doesn’t mean that you have an
amazing marriage.
Henry
Ah-ha! The cynic reappears!
Kavita
Listen, Henry, I’m not crazy. I only just met the guy. But I like him, and I have a good
feeling about him. He seems like the person I imagined my whole life.
Henry
Well, now I’m really curious to meet this Thomas of yours, Kavita.
Kavita
I’m sure he’ll be delighted to meet you too.
Henry
We’ll see…
Scene shifts to the bedroom of another inn.
Kavita
Henry sure was messed up by the whole Angela thing, huh?
Violet
I think he has some trust issues.
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Kavita
It’s been a while though, hasn’t it?
Violet
Almost a year. Not as long since your last break-up.
Kavita
What does that have to do with anything?
Violet
You had some trust issues after the break up. For more than a year.
Kavita
Well, I seem to be doing better now, huh?
Violet
And the whole Jane Austen thing started after you broke up with He Whose Name We
Cannot Mention.
Kavita
I have always loved Jane Austen. I wrote my senior essay on her.
Violet
But you loved her more after the break-up.
Kavita
I don’t think that’s fair.
Violet
The obsessive DVD watching started after.
Kavita
That’s ridiculous.
Violet
Just saying. After he-
Kavita
I don’t want to talk about it. It’s in the past, and I’m with Thomas now. He’s going to
stop by when he gets in. Hopefully soon.
Violet
Tonight?
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Kavita
Obviously.
Violet
I thought we’d get some time to talk tonight.
Kavita
What are we doing right now? We’ve been talking a ton! (Sound of knocking) Ooh!
That must be him!
KAVITA crosses and opens the door to reveal HENRY looking sheepish.
Kavita
Henry!
Henry
Sorry to barge in on you ladies so late. Is that your nightgown?
Kavita
Henry, this is not appropriate-
Violet
(as she gets up and goes to the door) What can I do for you?
Henry
I just wondered if I could borrow a converter for a plug? I left mine at home, and I need
to charge my computer.
Violet
Of course, you can. (She gets an adapter from her bag) Kavi, you can go hide in the
bathroom if you want.
Kavita
It’s fine.
Henry
I’m sorry. I know how you feel about people parading around in their nightgowns. At
least, I’m not wearing my pajamas right?
Violet
Very good Henry! Well, goodnight!
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Henry
Yes, um goodnight. Thank you for this Vi. I don’t know where my head was when I
packed.
Violet
Sounds like it was in a Jane Austen novel. It’s fine. You can give it back tomorrow.
Henry
Goodnight, ladies. (He does an awkward bow and leaves.)
Violet
I think he has a little crush on you Kavita.
Kavita
You see what you want to see. Henry has a crush on me. I use Jane Austen to escape
from my bad break-up from like 100 years ago.
Violet
Just saying.
Kavita
Whatever. (Sound of knocking again) That’s Thomas.
KAVITA crosses to open the door to reveal HENRY again.
Kavita
Again?
Henry
I’m sorry. I just realized that I need a three-prong adapter. Do you have one?
Kavita
Oh for heaven’s sake’s Henry. Couldn’t this have waited until the morning?
Henry
I like to charge overnight.
Kavita
We are in our nightclothes, ready for bed. This isn’t the time.
Henry
Well, then why did you open the door?
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Kavita
I thought you were Thomas.
Henry
He’s staying here too?
Violet
Everyone is, apparently. Here Henry, here’s a three-prong adapter.
Henry
Again, my apologies. Good night. (exits)
Violet
Yup, he likes you.
Kavita
I don’t know why. I’ve done nothing to encourage him.
Violet
You talked to him about your interests. Henry is an interesting guy.
Kavita
You are not trying to set us up again, are you? You tried once, maybe twice, and it didn’t
work out. Please!
Violet
You seemed to get along better at tea today.
Kavita
He’s nice, Violet. I’m just not interested in him like that. There’s no spark.
Violet
You’re just not that into him?
Kavita
Nope. (sound of knocking) And I’m taken.
KAVITA crosses to open the door again, this time to reveal THOMAS. They kiss.
Kavita
I thought you would never get here!
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They kiss again.
Thomas
Nor did I, darling!
They kiss some more.
Violet
Hello Thomas.
Thomas
Well, hello Violet. I didn’t see you there.
Violet
Hard to believe you missed the pregnant lady.
Thomas
You know, I only have eyes for this one. Darling, I thought you had your own room
tonight.
Violet
We’re sharing as we have for the entire trip! Girls’ outing and all.
Kavita
Yeah, Thomas. Violet and I planned our trip together.
Thomas
Yes, of course, I meant nothing by it. I was hoping to get you alone for a moment.
Violet
Go to your room.
Thomas
My room is not quite what I hoped it would be.
Kavita
It’s not nice?
Thomas
No, it’s very nice. It’s just, well… (He looks expectantly at Violet.)
Violet
Do you want me to leave?
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Thomas
For just a moment?
Kavita
(Pause) Oh, Thomas. It’s inappropriate. We can’t make Violet stand in the hall in her
nightclothes. Let me throw on some clothes and come with you.
Thomas
No, of course, not. Uh, well…Don’t worry about it, Kavita. It’s nothing. I just wanted
to see you when I got in and see that you’re both are settled. We’ll talk tomorrow. (He
kisses her again.) Night, then.
Kavita
Wait, I’ll go with you.
Thomas
Better not. It’s late, and I’ve had a long drive. Let’s call it a night and be fresh for
tomorrow. I know you are excited about the Promenade and the Ball.
Kavita
Are you sure?
Thomas
Yes. Goodnight, Kavita.
Kavita
Goodnight, Thomas. See you in the morning at breakfast.
Violet
Goodnight, Violet . . .
THOMAS exits.
Kavita
(Pause) Please let’s not do this again, Vi.
Violet
No, let’s not. I don’t want to fight. I just don’t think it’s very gentlemanly to ask a
pregnant woman to wait in the hall while you get some nooky.
Kavita
Violet! He was not trying to get some nooky. He has been a perfect gentleman so far,
and I like him. End of story.
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They get into their beds.
Kavita
Night, Vi. You know I love you, and I’m so happy that you came with me on this trip. I
hope you’re having fun.
Violet
I am, Kavi, but you know, sometimes I feel like everyone forgets that I have another
person living inside me.
Kavita
Believe me, no one can forget that you’re pregnant, Vi.
Violet
And I’m worried that everyone will forget about me after she’s born.
Kavita
What do you mean?
Violet
Everyone will forget who I was before I had a baby, how I was an editor and was smart
and liked to have fun.
Kavita
Won’t you still be that person?
Violet
Yes, but it’ll be eclipsed by this person inside me who makes me huge and grumpy and
pee all the time. I’ll be a Mom, with a capital M.
Kavita
I think you’ll be a great mom because of who you are now.
Violet
You really think so? Cause I’m a little nervous.
Kavita
Really?
Violet
I don’t know if I’m going to be any good at this stuff.
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Kavita
You will be. You already are. You take such great care of everyone, me, William,
Henry. You’re always so prepared for everything. You even had two adapters.
Violet
Yeah, but you guys mostly take care of yourselves; I just help out once in a while. This
one is with me all the time. And she’s going to stay with me for like the next 18 years.
What if I can’t handle it?
Kavita
You can handle it. Look at you! You’re driving around England with me and you’re 5
months pregnant - no problem!
Violet
Driving on the left is hardly a good mothering skill.
Kavita
You get me, Vi. You have always gotten me, and only someone with the greatest
understanding and greatest compassion could fly across the Atlantic Ocean with her best
friend to live out her dream. I think those are pretty great mothering skills.
Violet.
You think?
Kavita
Don’t worry, Vi. You’re going to be great.
Violet
Thanks Kavi.
Kavita
Goodnight.
Violet
Goodnight.
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Scene shifts to a ballroom with music playing in the background. VIOLET and HENRY make a
rather grand entrance together looking genuinely happy and excited. THOMAS enters next
flanked by KAVITA and MRS. DALE. All are dressed in period costume with KAVITA in the
gown we have seen in previous scenes. The following dialogue occurs as everyone takes their
turn on the dance floor in period dances.
Thomas
Mother, you know I wanted to dance the first with Kavita.
Mrs. Dale
Age before beauty Thomas. It’s only right to dance the first with me. No doubt you’ll
carry on with your Asian princess for the rest of the evening.
Kavita
It’s alright, Thomas. I’ll sit out the first one. You can get me next.
Thomas
I’m terribly sorry Kavita. This is not quite as I planned it.
Kavita
Me neither. I’ll just sit over there.
Violet
I can’t believe Thomas brought his mother to the ball. Kavi must be pissed.
Henry
She doesn’t look too happy.
Violet
Watch where you’re going! No wonder he wanted to hang out in our room last night.
His mother was staying in his room!
Henry
She doesn’t look too happy to be hanging around Kavita, either.
Violet
Poor thing. She must be miserable. Dance with her next?
Henry
She said she would dance the second dance that she knew with me. How do I know
which one that is?
Violet
I‘ll tell you. We learned all the easy ones at a workshop one weekend.
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Henry
You guys are hard-core.
Violet
She is. I’m just along for the ride. I mean, I like Jane Austen and all, but it’s really
Kavi’s thing.
Mrs. Dale
Really, Thomas, wherever did you find that girl? She looks ridiculous in that gown!
Thomas
I already told you that I met her at Sudbury Hall, and I think she looks quite pretty.
Mrs. Dale
The colors are quite garish. Really.
Thomas
She had it made in India.
Mrs. Dale
Having a Regency gown made in India? How novel!
Thomas
Mother, please don’t condescend.
Henry
So she hangs around doing Jane Austen things all the time?
Violet
Walk to the left Henry! Pretty much. I think she thought she might meet someone
through some of the stuff, but it hasn’t happened until now.
Henry
Well, I think that this Thomas guy is about to get kicked to the curb.
Thomas
Mother, it is expressly against my wishes that you came on this trip. Do not ruin it for
me. You’ve been dreadful the entire afternoon.
Mrs. Dale
When you told me that you met someone, you might have warned me that she was
coffee-coloured.
Thomas
Does it matter, Mother?
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Mrs. Dale
It always matters, darling.
Violet
Her last boyfriend was a real disaster too.
Henry
I’m afraid to ask.
Violet
No Henry, he did not dump her at the altar. You win the worst break-up story contest.
But hers is pretty bad.
Henry
What happened?
Violet
He wasn’t a gentleman.
Henry
What do you mean?
Violet
She spent the last year of their relationship editing his novel, and then he took it to
another house, didn’t credit her, and dumped her for his publicist’s assistant while he was
on press junket for the Great Indian-American Novel.
Henry
Wait, her ex is-
Violet
Yes, He Whose Name We Cannot Mention, and the worst part was that she felt she lost
her reputation. I mean, Kavita takes so much pride and care in everything she does. Just
look at her - she doesn’t do anything halfway. She had that gown made as an exact
replica of Miss Bingley’s.
Henry
Miss Bingley?
Violet
Secondary character, but Jennifer Ehle’s colors don’t work on Kavita at all. Anyone who
pays that much attention to detail obviously cares a lot about what she does. It was
devastating for her to lose her professional identity to a man who couldn’t even see how
much she gave up for him. Walk to the right.
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Mrs. Dale
You’re a terrible dancer, Thomas. Please straighten up.
Thomas
Mother, I beg of you. Please do not be difficult tonight.
Mrs. Dale
Your father was an excellent dancer. Of course, we all did ballroom in our time, not this
bouncing around without any structure as you do. You could at least hold my hand with
a little more feeling on the promenade.
Thomas
I fear the results of doing such a thing.
Henry
It looks like she’s moved on from the ex-boyfriend now.
Violet
She’s still delicate from it though. I’m very protective of her.
Henry
You’re a good friend, Violet.
Violet
Thank you Henry. Now bow to me. (She curtsies.)
The dance comes to an end and everyone bows. They convene in the center of the room.
Mrs. Dale
What a lovely assembly! I haven’t been to this festival in years, but it is always done in
such style and taste.
Henry
So you are an aficionado of Jane Austen as well?
Kavita
Mrs. Dale, allow me to present my, uh, friend, Henry to you. (HENRY bows.)
Mrs. Dale
I had no idea that so many Americans would be interested in this festival.
Violet
Henry is actually writing an article on it for a magazine.
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Mrs. Dale
A writer, then? And what magazine are you writing for? Harper’s? Vanity Fair?
Henry
Delta-Sky magazine?
Mrs. Dale
I haven’t heard of that one.
Kavita
It’s a very prestigious American magazine.
Thomas
The next dance is about to begin. Kavita, may I have this one?
VIOLET shoves HENRY. He is frazzled but gets the signal.
Henry
Um, I believe that I have this dance. Remember, Kavita, the second dance that you
know?
Thomas
I’m sure you’ll understand if I cut in front of you, old boy. (He sweeps KAVITA away)
Mrs. Dale
So you’re a full-time writer, Henry? And where do your parents come from?
Thomas
I know I haven’t had a moment alone with you to apologize. When Mother heard that I
was coming to the festival, she wouldn’t hear of not coming.
Kavita
I just wish you had told me.
Thomas
I know, I just kept hoping that something would change and she wouldn’t come. And I
tried to tell you last night, but I couldn’t get you alone.
Kavita
You could’ve told me in front of Violet. That would have been preferable to introducing
us to your mother together at breakfast.
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Thomas
It certainly was not ideal. I’m sorry, Kavita. This has all gone dreadfully awry.
Kavita
Is there anything else you need to tell me while we’re alone?
Thomas
I think I might be able to make it up to you when I come to New York next month!
Kavita
Really?
Thomas
There’s a conference in October that I was hoping to attend. I didn’t have enough
funding initially, but if I could stay with you, I’d be able to attend it.
Kavita
So I’d make it possible for you to go to your conference?
Thomas
And to see you, spend time with you. This is coming out all wrong.
Kavita
Let’s slow down for a minute, Thomas, okay? Let’s just dance.
Henry
Mrs. Dale, I know I am not a very good partner, but if you care to dance this one-
Mrs. Dale
You can’t simply jump in during the dance. You must start at the beginning or wait the
whole thing out.
Henry
Would anyone care for a drink?
Violet
Oh, I’ll get it!
Henry
No Violet, you should sit right here and let me bring it to you. Mrs. Dale, can I bring you
some punch?
Mrs. Dale
Yes, please. Thank you. (HENRY exits quickly.) Your friend has such lovely manners.
Quite unusual. I wish Thomas could have had such manners.
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Violet
Well, Thomas is very…professional.
Mrs. Dale
Not so professional as to finish his dissertation.
Violet
I’m sure it takes a long time to finish.
Mrs. Dale
Eleven years and counting, my dear. Since he moved home, he seems to work less and
less on it. It’s quite a sore topic.
Violet
He lives at home?
Mrs. Dale
His grant money ran out a few years ago, and he moved in with us. But then his father
passed on. Now I only have him to comfort me in my convalescence.
Violet
And he’s been in school for 11 years?
Mrs. Dale
11 years since he finished his coursework and started writing. He’s easily distracted
though. I hope your friend won’t distract him further. He needs to finish.
Violet
Kavita is a very focused person.
Mrs. Dale
Thomas is not.
Kavita
Ow!
Thomas
Oops-a-daisy. Didn’t mean to step on your foot.
Kavita
Oh, it’s okay. But maybe we should bow out of this one.
Thomas
We’ll sit out the next one.
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Kavita
It really kind of hurts, Thomas. Please let’s sit down.
Thomas
It’s not customary to stop dancing in the middle.
Kavita
Is it customary to step on your partner’s foot?
They join VIOLET and MRS. DALE.
Mrs. Dale
Back before the end of the dance?
Thomas
I’m afraid I trod on her foot.
Mrs. Dale
Oh Thomas, you were always such a clod.
Kavita
It was just a mistake, Mrs. Dale. I’ll be alright in a minute.
Violet
Are you okay, honey? Sit down! Mrs. Dale was just telling me about Thomas’ work on
his dissertation.
Thomas
Were you, Mother?
Mrs. Dale
Well, I was just saying how it’s taking you some time to finish. I’m sure the end result
will be brilliant, of course. My Thomas was first in his class.
Violet
Of course, it will. Anything that takes 11 years to write must be brilliant.
HENRY re-enters with punch.
Henry
Oh, you’re finished already? I just brought them some punch. Would you like some?
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Kavita
No thank you, Henry. I just needed to sit down for a minute.
Violet
Thomas stepped on her foot.
Thomas
Thank you for that, Violet.
Henry
Do you need some ice?
Kavita
No, I’m fine! Thanks though. Thomas, I didn’t know that you had worked so long on
your dissertation.
Thomas
My field work has been extensive, and as you could tell by the restorations you saw in
Derbyshire, it is painstaking work.
Kavita
I’m sure it does take a long time.
Violet
Absolutely. That’s why he moved home to finish it.
Thomas
Mother, I see you’ve been quite chummy with Violet, here.
Mrs. Dale
We’ve been getting on famously! Talking about her baby and the special bond that
develops between mother and child.
Kavita
I didn’t know that you still lived at home.
Thomas
Hadn’t I mentioned it?
Kavita
No, I don’t believe you did.
Thomas
It’s only until I finish my dissertation.
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Kavita
When will that be?
Mrs. Dale
He’s been finishing for years, my dear.
Thomas
Not too much longer, Mother.
Henry
If your foot is okay, maybe you want to dance this one, Kavita?
Kavita
Yes, Henry, that would be lovely.
HENRY and KAVITA move center stage to begin their dance.
Henry
Are you okay?
Kavita
Just a little overwhelmed is all.
Henry
So maybe he’s not Mr. Darcy after all?
Kavita
I’ll wait and see. There’s a saying, if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, then it
is a duck.
Henry
So Thomas is a duck?
Kavita
I guess I just have more to learn about ducks.
Henry
Maybe you were seeing what you wanted to see.
Kavita
Everyone sees what they want to see. It’s human nature.
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Henry
I bet a lot of people couldn’t see you as Elizabeth Bennett.
Kavita
Why not?
Henry
Because you’re brown.
Kavita
I do not like that term. I’m Indian.
Henry
The Brits see you as brown.
Kavita
A lot of people see me as brown, Henry, even in America. But I choose to define myself
by what’s inside.
Henry
A white person?
Kavita
Are you calling me a coconut?
Henry
Coconut, hostess ho-ho, over-ripe banana, whatever.
Kavita
What is your deal?
Henry
Well, I just think that your desire to embody everything Austen is very curious. It’s so
colonial.
Kavita
It is not a crime against my race to like Jane Austen, nor is it one to date a white man.
Henry
No, it’s a crime against yourself to date that white man.
Kavita
What have you got against Thomas? He may not be your cup of tea, but he doesn’t have
to be.
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Henry
Well, who knew you could only drink English Breakfast?
Kavita
Would you rather I drink Darjeeling, Henry? Or have you never dated outside your race?
Henry
Of course, I have. Angela was white. I’m not arguing racial purity here. I’m arguing
open-mindedness. And for the record, I think no one said anything to me about what a
bitch she was because in their minds, they all thought I was marrying up!
Kavita
You know, when you asked me to dance, I thought you were trying to help me out of an
embarrassing situation, but now it seems that you just wanted a chance to yell at me. Is
Violet paying you now?
Henry
Violet has a sixth sense. I don’t know how she does it, but she knows what’s going on
inside a person.
Kavita
Listen to Violet, the Human Magic 8 Ball of relationships. That’s really open-minded.
What is your point Henry? Why did you ask me to dance?
Henry
Well, if it isn’t painfully obvious, I like you. There’s no assignment. I’m writing my
article on spec and hoping that Delta-Sky magazine will pick it up because they bought
some other articles of mine. I came here to see you in your element because it seemed
like something that you really cared about, but here I am dressed up like an English
person in some colonial fantasy, and I have to tell you that this is fucked up, Kavita!
The dance stops for a moment and VIOLET, THOMAS, and MRS. DALE all look at HENRY and
KAVITA.
Kavita
Go to the left Henry. This is turning into the most mortifying day of my life at the Jane
Austen Festival no less.
Henry
I like you Kavi. You’re definitely the kookiest person I have ever met, and I like that. I
just wish you could see past the fact that I’m not English to let me have a chance instead
of wasting your time with some British deadbeat.
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Kavita
I don’t know what you’re trying to do, if this is supposed to be some Darcy-like
revelation.
Henry
Kavita, you’re obsessed with the wrong book! You’re not Elizabeth Bennett. You’re
Catherine Moreland from Northanger Abbey! The girl who’s so obsessed with Gothic
novels that she thinks she’s living in one!
Kavita
Catherine Moreland? But she’s young and silly.
HENRY kisses her passionately in the middle of the floor.
Mrs. Dale
I had no idea that those Asian girls were such sluts.
VIOLET and THOMAS react to MRS. DALE’S comment as KAVITA pulls away and exits.
THOMAS attempts to hit HENRY but misses as HENRY ducks. Humiliated, THOMAS exits.
Scene shifts to KAVITA and VIOLET outside the ballroom. KAVITA is crying.
Kavita
Go ahead and say it. You told me so.
Violet
I’m not going to say anything. Except, I’m sorry.
Kavita
I just wanted it to work out this time, you know?
Violet
I know, honey. I know.
VIOLET slowly helps KAVITA out of her gown to reveal the base of her street clothes
underneath during the following exchange. The scene shifts back to Kavita’s bedroom.
Kavita
I’ve been thinking about what that means lately, you know “things working out?” I mean,
Henry is right to wonder how you know if you’re with the right person and if it isn’t more
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than a feeling. I’ve always had a feeling about the wrong person. But then I think about
you and how you’re my best friend. It’s more than a feeling; it’s fact.
Violet
It is a fact, sweetheart.
Kavita
It wasn’t immediate, but when it became true, it just was. And I keep hoping that it will
just be with someone else too.
Violet
It took a lot of time and a lot of work for us to become close, though, Kavi. It wasn’t
immediate.
Kavita
I don’t expect it to be, Violet. It isn’t in “Pride and Prejudice.” But somehow, they learn
to accept each other.
Violet
When they were ready to accept each other. When they were open to it. That’s all I ever
wanted for you.
Kavita
I really wanted things to work out with Thomas, you know. He seemed so much like Mr.
Darcy. But I guess he was more like Collins.
Violet
I’ll say!
Kavita
And I can’t believe Henry compared me to a lesser heroine than Elizabeth Bennett.
Violet
There are worse people to be compared to than Catherine Moreland.
Kavita
I just thought I was more self-aware than a girl who turns everything into a Gothic novel.
How embarrassing! I guess I’m not as astute a reader as I thought I was.
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She tosses her gown on the bed and picks up her Pride and Prejudice DVD off of it.
Kavita
It’s probably time to put this away. (She puts the DVD away) Not forever, but it can’t be
all Pride and Prejudice all the time. After all, no one actually lives at Lyme Park.
VIOLET exits. The scene shifts to a subway car where KAVITA sits and reads a book. The
scenic elements should be quite in contrast with the rest of the play, perhaps no projections, or
something to indicate a change in tone. HENRY enters.
Henry
Kavita?
Kavita
Oh Henry. Hi.
Henry
Hi. (Pause) Are you on your way to work?
Kavita
Yeah, how about you?
Henry
I have an interview.
Kavita
Oh, with whom?
Henry
Travel & Leisure.
Kavita
That’s great!
Henry
Yeah, it’s a step up from Delta Sky.
Silence.
Kavita
Did you want to sit down? I could scooch. (She starts to move over.)
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Henry
Okay, sure. (He sits) So how have you been since…
Kavita
Okay. I had to go on a little bit of a Jane Austen detox after that, but…How about you?
Henry
I’m good. Actually, the article I wrote after the festival got me this interview.
Kavita
Really? That’s great, Henry!
Henry
Yeah, it is. (smiling) You know, I had a better career before I got dumped at the altar!
Kavita
I had a better career before my ex dumped me as his editor!
Henry
Exes can ruin everything.
Kavita
Yeah, they most certainly can!
Henry
Listen, I really should apologize for acting like some kind of medieval knight-
Kavita
No, I wasn’t very nice to you, Henry. I’m sorry.
Henry
I guess we’re both sorry then.
Kavita
Yeah, pretty much.
Henry
You know who’s really sorry, though?
Kavita
Who?
Henry
Violet! For ever trying to put the two of us together.
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Kavita
Yeah, she’s on strict orders not to set up any more dates for anyone. Although, I don’t
think she’ll have the time now that little Catherine is here.
Henry
Probably not. She’s really cute.
Kavita
I know, she’s adorable. And Violet’s so great with her.
Henry
She’s going to be a great mom.
Kavita
Yeah…
Pause.
Henry
What are you reading there?
Kavita
It’s a travel guide, actually, to India.
Henry
Really?
Kavita
Yeah, I thought now that I’ve driven all over England maybe it was time to visit the
motherland, so to speak. You know, learn a little bit more about “my people.”
Henry
Wow, sounds great. Who will you go with?
Kavita
I’m planning a trip for my family to tour the Royal Palaces in Rajastan.
Henry
You’re really good at planning trips. I bet you’ll come up with a great itinerary.
Kavita
Thank you.
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Henry
If I get this job with Travel & Leisure, I’d like to pitch an India article. It seems like a
fascinating place to visit. You’ll have to share your tips.
Kavita
That sounds good, Henry. I‘d like that.
Henry
Me too.
Lights down as they continue their conversation.
END OF PLAY
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Lyme Park Romance Tour

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Lyme Park Romance Tour

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Lyme Park: An Austonian Romance of an Indian Nature

A play by Nandita Shenoy

1160 Third Avenue, Apt. 10J

KAVITA: Female, American woman of Indian descent, mid-30’s, an editor of children’s

As VIOLET exits, HENRY talks on his cell phone.

HENRY enters with a book and joins them.

VIOLET exits as a WAITRESS approaches the table.

WAITRESS exits. Silence.

VIOLET re-enters and seats herself with them.

HENRY, hearing them turns around.

VIOLET drags KAVITA offstage while HENRY continues after them.

The scene shifts to the next room on the tour.

HENRY appears in his traveling clothes.

A pause and then they kiss.

Scene shifts to the bedroom of another inn.

KAVITA crosses to open the door to reveal HENRY again.

They kiss again.

They kiss some more.

They get into their beds.

VIOLET shoves HENRY. He is frazzled but gets the signal.

They join VIOLET and MRS. DALE.

HENRY re-enters with punch.

HENRY and KAVITA move center stage to begin their dance.

HENRY kisses her passionately in the middle of the floor.

Lights down as they continue their conversation.

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