The New Army Chief Calls On Qalandar!

Mohammad Shehzad

Scene 1:

Qalandar is playing chess online with Bobby Fischer who is giving him tough time. Koila
(coal) interrupts him. He is Qalandar’s pastry chef. He is white like English for his
parents are the native English!

‘The new army chief is here to see you Sarkar!’

‘Bobby, Koila will play my moves and beat you Insha Allah! I have to go! Says Qalandar.

Scene 2:

Qalandar and the new chief are alone in the lounge after media is done with the photo
session.

‘Thank you Sarkar!’ Says the chief.

‘You deserved it. You were the most senior. So, what’s next.’ Asks Qalandar.
‘Have a look and guide,’ says the chief while handing over a book.

‘Nothing is hidden from Qalandar. I know it is the new constitution that you want to enforce on
your first address to the nation. The gist is, the army will be one thousand percent apolitical and
subservient to the civilian leadership,’ Says Qalandar.

‘Yes! I am impressed!’

‘I would have admired your initiative if it were Britain. Let me take you to the future. Close your
eyes,’ Qalandar orders and the chief obeys.

Scene 3:

The new army chief has been in the office for about six months. The biggest Sadiq and
Ameen Sharif is the PM. Under the slogan, lotay ko izzat do (give respect to the
turncoat), has bought every seat in the National Assembly and the Senate. Addressing an
army of the incorruptible journalists and anchors!

‘Our enemy has become wet and fresh again (Taro Taaza ho chuka hay). He is applying the
power of ankle and cliff (Airi choti ka zor laga raha hay) to sieve our liver (jigar chalni kar raha
hay). Our chief is glued to the ground (dattay hooway hain) for the last six months. Before his
condition becomes non-instrumental (tabiat nasaaz ho), I am sending him on permanent leave so
that he could make his heart Peshawar (dil pishori kar lay) and appointing Captain Retarded
(retired) Rough Deer Aven as the new army chief for life. Any questions?’
The larger than life journalist/anchor Jamid Pir from NEO TV stands up and poses the first
question: ‘This is a historical decision. I congratulate you not only with my heart but also
kidneys and lungs.’

‘Jamid saab you have tied the river in a water cooler (darya ko koozay mein band kar dia hay).
Your question is very tough. I will answer it next week after discussing it with the spirit of
Abbajee. Next question please!’ Says the PM.

‘This is absurd. No law would allow you to appoint a retired captain as the earmy chief.’ This is
Maroof Classra, a journalist who has no manners to pose questions.

‘You think you are an every art god (har fun maula) type journalist. Army is now under us. We
are the lion of the jungle. We can give egg or we can give a baby! (anda dain ya bachcha dain).
Sit down and the press conference is over!’ Announces the PM.

Scene 4:

Rough Deer Aven is chairing the corps commanders meeting. The issue is extremely
important – procurement of 1,000 fighter planes.

‘We are an Isalmic army. Fighter planes are the Satanic Weapons. We will procure steel from
Ittefaq Mills and make swords and arrows. We will raise horses in Raiwand and turn our enemies
two and four with defeat (shikast say do chaar karain gay)! But no harm in buying one plane.
However, get an invoice of 1,000 planes from Biden and donate the money to the He Fled Trust
in London that is doing great charity work for the widows,’ orders Rough Deer Aven and all the
corps commanders have no option but to obey because the army has become apolitical!

‘What’s this non-sense Sarkar!’ The new chief opens eyes. It seems he has had enough.

‘This was just a trailer Son! In the next scene the grandmother (Naani) will be appointed as the
DG-ISI!’ Answers Qalandar.

‘Impossible! Is your studio free?’ Enquires the chief.

‘Always, 24/7 for you!’ Qalandar winks.

Last Scene:

The new chief is addressing a press conference. Only devout journalists are invited.

‘Patay Khan is an ‘Antichrist’. We must suppress this scourge. People can’t attend their work
and business. There is a political stalemate in the country. Economy has collapsed. There is no
law and order. I have no option but to impose martial! Any questions?’

‘This is a historical decision. We congratulate you not only with our hearts but also kidneys and
lungs!’ Choir all the journalists with one voice!