written by

Moses Hershberger

EXT. CANTUCKEE RACE TRACK – DAY

A small town band plays “Washington Post March” near the track.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Welcome to the historic Chapelberg Ups in
Kinnville, Tennessee. Yes, the town is draped in
bunting as some one hundred thousand pilgrims plot
to participate in the pomp and pageantry which
surrounds the most sought-after prize in
thoroughbred racing... the Cantuckee Derby! Be
sure to join us for the Windy 5000 Raceway next
Sunday.

Various B-ROLL of spectators and fans at the Cantuckee Derby.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
The ancient spires of Chapelberg Ups overflow with
humanity. Racing Day is unique in this respect for
everywhere you look the atmosphere prevails and
makes any person feel important.

A trumpet blasts the call to post. The jockeys and their horses ride onto the field.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That’s the blow of the Bugler's call to the post for
the horses
are coming onto the track for the running of the
Cantuckee Derby. Number one is Bar of Soap. Otis
Clyde is the rider. Felix Jasper is aboard number six
for Pot Metal. Gluestick number three carries
Ulysses Floyd. Ernest Orville has the ride on
number five Enyoendo. Number four is Chic
Magnet.
(MORE)
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Riding him is Atticus Pendleton. Coming in
lastly is number two. Augustus Theodore astride
the national favorite: Freedom Czar! Six
thoroughbreds are going to the starting gate.

EXT. STARTING GATE – DAY

The horses are loaded in...

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
They’re all in line and ready for the start.
The tension is tight in the air...

The horses get restless... as do the packed crowds.

THE BELLS RING!!! The gates fly open!

Six horses stampede onto the track!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
There off! And Freedom Czar, as expected, broke
astonishingly on the outside. Gluestick is out even
better and Bar of Soap is there and Enyoendo is in
the early mix too. Followed by Pot Metal and Chic
Magnet. It's going to be Gluestick to set the pace
here in the Cantuckee Derby ... Bar of Soap on the
outside ... second Freedom Czar. Third to the
outside of them Enyoendo is right there ... Pot Metal
running in between the horses ... after that Chic
Magnet...

The horses approach the wheel and turn into a sharp turn. Chic Magnet is jammed into the rail ...
no way out...

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Chic Magnet is down on the inside. Farther behind
than we expected and then comes Bar of Soap ...
nice as they make their way to the backstretch ... it
is Freedom Czar in front! He went a half mile in an
easy forty seconds ... Gluestick the leader up the
backstretch ... a half the length and as Pot Metal
right in second position and Freedom Czar will be
third of the backstretch he's two and a half links off
of Enyoendo follows in fourth ... Chic Magnet on
the outside of Pot Metal after that --

FOUR RACING CARS drive onto the track –- engines and tires wail.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
AND RACING ONTO THE TRACK ARE THE
DRIVERS FOR THE WINDY 5000! How about
that?! It seems there was a miscommunication with
the racing schedules. I’m now being told the Windy
5000 was scheduled for today, and rather than
postponing the race for next Sunday, the drivers are
taking a stand as they take to the track! How is
 nobody stopping this race?! I can’t say why but this
will be the greatest spectacle in all of racing history!

The racing cars flash by the racing horses -- going neck to neck!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
There goes the Yellow Ford trying to go around the
outside of Freedom Czar -- He does!

Jockeys get their horses to pick up the speed!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
The reigning Windy 5000 champion gets a terrific
start to today’s race ... behind Henkel -- Gluestick in
third -- Chic Magnet is fourth coming to the turn--

The RED CAR side swipes into Gluestick and Pot Metal -- they all hit the inside rail ... HARD.
Flames consume them!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Oh! We’ve got a crash! Red Chevy drives Gluestick
and Pot Metal into the inside rail! This is an ugly
scene!! A massive impact!

The other horses and cars veer around the crash.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
They're rounding the turn and Freedom Czar is the
leader he's on top by a half-length ... Will this be the
first pass for Blue Porsche? No! He thinks
otherwise as Bar of Soap confronts him -- followed
by Enyoendo ... Chic Magnet in fourth ... Freedom
Czar has the lead on the outside ... Yellow Ford and
Enyoendo between him...

Yellow Ford and Enyoendo bump into each other and topple over!

They roll across the board ... an ugly sight.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And yet another crash! This time it’s Enyoendo and
Yellow Ford! Oof! That crash was uglier than the
last one! What a frightening sight!

Chic Magnet high jumps over Enyoendo and Yellow Ford -- and onto the Henkel’s hood!
 ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
AND CHIC MAGNET IS ON TOP THE
HENKEL’S HOOD! We are seeing true horsepower
from Chic Magnet as he is taking the lead! This is a
three lap shootout into the home stretch!

Chic Magnet jumps off the hood and rides up to Freedom Czar!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
It’s Freedom Czar and Chic Magnet the underhorse
in front! Going to neck and neck! These two come
into the final stretch!

Chic Magnet and Freedom Czar race into the final stretch...

... CHIC MAGNET CROSSES THE FINISH LINE! The stadium cheers!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Chic Magnet has won the Cantuckee Derby!
Freedom Czar was second and Henkel was third.
Atticus Pendleton has won the Cantuckee Derby!
How sweet this must be for Atticus Pendleton after
losing his three children in the divorce settlement!

The cermonial blanket of roses is draped on Chic Magnet.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen! Chic
Magnet has won the Cantuckee Derby! As for the
other horses, let’s see what happens to a prized
horse after losing a race.

INT. HOT DOG FACTORY - DAY

Show hot dogs being made and splice in disturbing paintings!

THE END