Careless Whisper

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/43050735.

Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: One Direction (Band)
Relationship: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Original Female
Character(s)
Character: Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles, Jay Tomlinson, Anne Twist, Niall Horan,
Liam Payne, Zayn Malik
Additional Tags: larry stylinson - Freeform, Endgame Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson,
Strangers to Lovers, Friends to Lovers, First Love, First Time, 80's
Music, 80s, 90s, Break Up, Post-Break Up, Sad Louis Tomlinson, Angst,
Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Character Death, not L or H,
Character Development, Coming Out, Homophobic Language, just a bit,
Getting Back Together, Smut, Top Louis Tomlinson, Bottom Louis
Tomlinson, Top Harry Styles, Bottom Harry Styles, they kind of share
that really, Happy Ending, Larry Stylinson Is Real
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2022-11-13 Completed: 2022-11-28 Chapters: 22/22 Words:
70518

Careless Whisper
by Darling28

Summary

Both fell hard. It's THIS kind of love.

The romantic one you just know of books and movies. But here it was in real life.
Harry and Louis. Louis and Harry.
That was it.
On the 28th of September.

But what when it all falls apart?

When you sit there with the pieces of your broken heart and don't know how you're ever
going to mend it?

We could have been so good together

We could have lived this dance forever
But now, who's gonna dance with me?
Please stay
(Careless Whisper - George Michael)

Notes
TW: in the later chapters selfharm is described, I’ve always put a warning at the beginning.
Please stay safe.

Jay's death is also mentioned. I'm actually not a fan of it myself out of respect that it's bitter
reality. But it was important for me to bring this into the story to make it clear how much
Louis suffered over the years.

But I don't want to reveal too much and wish you a lot of fun on the journey through a few
years with our favourite couple.

(A big thank you to my wonderful Alisa <3)

 Chapter 1

Careless Whisper

It's the 28th September 1987.

Both fell hard. It's THIS kind of love. The romantic one you just know of books and movies. But
here it was in real life. Harry and Louis. Louis and Harry. That was it. On the 28th of September.

But let’s start from the beginning…

Louis had moved this week with his mother from Doncaster to Manchester. After he has carried
tons of moving boxes and partly already unpacked them, he just wants to head out. He is bubbly
and never had problems making new friends. And why wait until Monday when school starts,
when he can start right away?

"Mum, I'm heading out. Maybe get a drink or two if I find a bar or something," Louis says and
gives his mother a kiss on her cheek.

"Ok Boo, after your hard work here, you really deserve a night out. Have fun, make friends and
please inform me when you get back home. You know how I am,” she laughs and petting his
cheek.

"Of course Mom, bye!" answers Louis.

Louis sets off on foot, it's about a 15-minute walk before he should arrive at the street where
Manchester's nightlife rages. The wind blows through his hair, it's a cool evening and Louis, who
is slightly cold, pulls his jacket collar up further. With his hands in his pockets, he walks through
the streets, nodding to a few people he meets on his way.

Louis' mind wanders, pondering why the move to Manchester was necessary in the first place.
Louis is gay. After his first kiss with a boy, the only one so far, he tearfully confessed it to his
mother. Jay, always supportive, hugged Louis and said she loved him unconditionally and was so
proud of him. Despite everything, she asked him directly to be careful and informed him about the
dangers of AIDS. Of course, Louis already knew about the dangerous viral disease, but far from
coming into contact with it. It was just a kiss after all. And that's how it all started.

Louis had tender feelings for Oliver, that's his name, for a long time and was so happy to be kissed
by his crush at a party in a hidden corner. After telling his mother all about Oliver and his crush
the day he came out, she encouraged him to ask Oliver out. Which he did two days later after the
party. Unfortunately in front of half the school on the playground. And Oliver suddenly didn't
know anything about the kiss and pretended that Louis was making it up. What had started as a
quiet question about a date from Louis, ended up being an involuntary coming out in front of half
the school. A sentence from Oliver will never be forgotten by Louis. He yelled at him

"WHY SHOULD I KISS A FUCKING FAGGOT LIKE YOU? I’m not gay. Maybe in your
dreams!” while spitting at his feet.

It was horrible and Louis still shudders at the memory. The days after that, Oliver started pushing
him with his friends in the school corridors, making snide comments. And no one stood up for
Louis. Not even his friends, who from then on were no longer his friends. It finally escalated
completely a week later. Louis was so beaten up by Oliver and his friends after school in a side
street that he passed out and was bleeding on the street. There was no sign of the abusers when a
helpful passer-by found Louis and called an ambulance from the nearest phone booth. He will
never forget Jay's face when he first opened his eyes in the hospital. Eyes red from tears, hair
disheveled as if she had done nothing but tear it out of concern for Louis. Louis ended up in the
hospital for a week with internal bleeding, a broken nose and a black, swollen eye. Louis' psyche
was shattered, almost worse than the physical pain.

Over the weeks that followed, Jay kept telling him that not every experience with a boy will be like
that, but Louis just shrugged it off. He was numb and initially didn't want to know anything about
possible future dates or boyfriends.

But Jay also had a difficult time after the incident. The neighbors whispered, but if only it had been
that. She was avoided, thrown disgusted looks or verbally abused. Once in the supermarket, an
elderly lady asked her if she was the fagot's mother, “Are you not ashamed?”. Jay, very much the
lion mom, said with her head held high that the only way she would be ashamed, was if her son
grew up to be a bitter, homophobic adult like her. Despite everything, she shed bitter tears at home
when she told Louis about the incident.

That evening it was Louis who held his mother in his arms. His numbed feelings of the last few
weeks gave way to anger. Anger turned to pride and he resolved never to hide again but to stand up
for who he is. He ignored his old friends at school and the comments of his classmates. Each time
he would just turn around and walk away with his middle finger raised and report every
homophonic asshole to the headmaster.

But Jay continued to suffer, her baby constantly exposed and she no longer felt comfortable in
Doncaster. When, after all the incidents and the constant reporting from Louis, the headmaster
suggested a transfer to Chetham's School of Music in Manchester, Jay decided it was for the best.
Louis wants to study music after he graduates anyway, so the change and the recommendation of
the headmaster came like a gift.

Louis now wants to approach his new opportunity in Manchester positively and hides the old
memories back in the furthest corner of his mind. And so he walks with an open view through the
street where the nightlife pulsates. You can hear all kinds of music from the pubs and clubs and
Louis, new here, doesn't really know which one to choose. He drifts along until his gaze falls on a
nightclub in front of him, where some young people are already waiting to be admitted. Above the
front door is written 'The Haçienda' in large purple letters and Louis decides to join the queue. In
front of him is a boy with blonde hair who turns directly to him and asks in an Irish accent

"You're new here, aren't you? I know everyone our age and I haven't seen your face here."

Before Louis can answer him, he is already holding out his hand

"I'm Niall. What is your name?"

And Louis always thought he was an outgoing person, but this Niall is in a different class.

"Hi, I'm Louis. And you're right, we just moved here today."

"And right on the way to go to a nightclub. Nice!” Niall laughs while slapping his back with a
hand. Louis, who wasn't expecting it, jumps forward a little and can't help but giggle.

"What should I say, mate? I definitely need a beer after all that carrying around,” grins Louis

"We should definitely have a drink together later. It’s on me Oh - ... there's a friend of mine over
there. I move up to him. See you later.” Niall waves at him and disappears further forward to his
friend, who briefly gives Louis a curious look before he is taken over again by Niall's loud
personality.

Louis is finally inside the club and after leaving his jacket at the cloakroom, he goes straight to the
bar to order a beer.

With his beer in his hand, he leans against the counter and looks around the club with interest to
get an overview.

As his gaze wanders to the edge of the dance floor, he sees him.

He can directly tell he's a shy guy and he seems so young. Is he even allowed to be in this
nightclub? You can call him sappy but this was his book or movie moment. The moment when you
see your person!

Louis is stressing about it and takes another sip of his beer. Maybe I should drink less...or even
more? What do people do in this kind of situation?, his mind races.

Louis continues to eye the boy, totally conspicuous to anyone who would be looking at him. He
estimates him to be 16-17 years old, a little younger than himself. He has curly hair and wears wide
blue jeans with a pink shirt under a baseball jacket. He's holding on to his beer himself, trying little
awkward dance moves, and only then does Louis see who's standing with him. That boy from
before, Niall.

Louis has to speak to him. He really wants to get to know him. Come on, you can do it, move your
legs to this angel with curly hair and speak to him, he motivates himself.

Louis drains his beer in one gulp, puts it on the counter and decides to talk to Niall first and then
start talking to his friend. He bravely puts one step before the next until he has reached the two.
Niall's back is to him, and while he taps his shoulder, the boy is already staring at him with wide
eyes. Louis smiles at him briefly, but then Niall turns around and shouts happily
"There you are! Then we can have a drink together."

Louis nods with a smile while Niall continues talking. As a friend of Niall, you probably have to
live with the fact that you don't get to say much.

"By the way, this is my best friend Harry Styles." He points to Harry "and this is Louis," he says to
Harry. Harry gives him a shy wave and blushes. Louis waves back and his feeling is confirmed.
This, this shy blushing person, is the love of his life. He was never so sure of anything. He doesn't
understand how he could say something like that with certainty at the age of 18, without ever
having exchanged a word with him, let alone knowing whether Harry himself is also into men. He
just knows. Period.

Not wanting to let the conversation die, he asks Niall,

"Wouldn’t you buy me a beer?"

"Absolutely. I'll get us all something," he says aloud only to whisper in Louis' ear, "Please take
care of Harry in the meantime. He's too shy and tense!” and pats him on the shoulder while he
makes his way to the bar.

Louis takes a deep breath and takes a step towards Harry. He smiles at him and is about to speak
when Harry is pushed forward by a dancing couple and stumbles towards Louis, spilling his bottle
of beer on his shirt. Harry grabs his shoulder with one hand to avoid falling and a tingling goes
through Louis' body as he feels Harry's touch.

Louis looks down at himself in shock and back up at Harry, who is now standing close to him.
Harry looks at him with an apologetic expression and breathes a little

"Oops?"

Louis finds the situation too funny, just laughs and says

"Hi" while resting his hand on Harry's waist so he's standing securely on both feet again. Harry
takes another step back and Louis is immediately disappointed with every inch that now lies
between them.

"I'm so sorry about your shirt," Harry says, looking down at the floor.

"It wasn't your fault and it dries again," Louis tries to calm him down. Harry finally looks up again
and a shy smile spreads across his (beautiful) face.

At that moment, Niall comes back with a beer for everyone and sees the stain on Louis' white shirt.
He lets his eyes drop further to Harry's empty beer bottle and puts one and one together. He starts
bawling right away and calls out "I can't seem to take my eyes off you for five minutes, it's good
that I got supplies" and hands each of them a new beer. Louis just smiles and shrugs and Harry
looks embarrassed through the crowd while taking a sip from his bottle. All three start dancing to
Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up'. Louis keeps glancing at Harry, who throws back at
least as many intense looks with his green eyes. Niall seems to sense this and dances through the
crowd towards other people he seems to know, while winking at them, "Bye bye lovebirds. It
seems I'm not needed here."

And okay, am I being so suspicious?, Louis thinks, only to be amazed to find that Harry asked him
something.

"Sorry, what did you say?" asks Louis

"Would you like to sit down in the lounge with me? I would like to take a short break from
dancing.”

"Sure, go ahead and I'll follow you," Louis nods to him.

Harry starts walking and Louis runs his gaze down his backside. The wide jeans don't let him
guess much, but Louis can imagine how cute and small Harry's ass must be. God damn it
Tomlinson, pull yourself together, he scolds himself.

When Harry finds an empty table, they both fall onto the small padded bench behind it. Louis holds
out his bottle of beer to toast and when Harry clicks his bottle against his, they both take a sip.

Louis turns his upper body to Harry and asks him

"How old are you anyway, Curly? Are you allowed in here at all?”

Harry blushes again and shakes his head.

“No, I'm 16. Niall got me a fake ID. But don't tell anyone!" he pleads.

Louis giggles and promises Harry he won't bust him.

"Are you actually new to the town, Louis?" Harry asks.

I love the way my name sounds out of his mouth, Louis thinks, heart fluttering.

'Yes, we moved here from Doncaster today. I'll start my senior year at Chetham's School of Music
on Monday," says Louis.

Harry starts smiling and clapping his hands sweetly.

"There I am too!"

"Perfect, then we'll see each other again," Louis replies bravely, only to ask shortly afterwards, "If
you even want that?"

Harry nods wildly, his curls bouncing slightly. Apparently his shyness is starting to go away as he
exclaims enthusiastically

"Absolutely. Yes, I would be very happy!"

"Me too,” Louis smiles softly while looking into his eyes for a long time. Harry looks back and
neither wants to break the moment. Until Harry finally clears his throat and looks at his watch.

"Shit-...I have to be home in half an hour. Shall we have a final dance before I have to go?”

"With pleasure. I'll walk you home then. I'm tired from all the boxes I had to carry today” explains
Louis.

Louis boldly takes Harry's hand in his, expecting a moment of rejection, but Harry keeps his hand
in his.

They dance together one last time to The Outfield's 'Your Love' and Louis can identify himself with
certain points in the song's lyrics.

I ain't got many friends left to talk to Nowhere to run when I'm in trouble
You know I'd do anything for you
Stay the night but keep it undercover

I just want to use your love tonight

I don't want to lose your love tonight
Try to stop my hands from shaking

But something in my mind doesn't make sense

It's been a while since we were all alone
I can't hide the way I'm feeling

He sings along loudly as he twirls Harry around, still holding one hand, and they both pull off the
funniest moves on the dance floor together.

Both grin broadly as the next song begins and without a word, make their way to the cloakroom to
get their jackets.

Outside, Louis asks Harry where he lives, although he doesn't know where to go anyway because
he doesn't know his way around yet. But it turns out he lives just down the street from him. At
least now Louis is firmly convinced that the universe has made getting to know each other
inevitable.

He takes Harry's hand again and they both walk home in a comfortable silence. This night feels like
so much more, Louis can literally feel it in every cell of his body. Arriving in front of Harry's
house, he squeezes his hand again briefly before releasing it.

"Thanks for taking me home, Louis." Harry says quietly, turning to head for the front door.

"You're welcome, Harry. See you Monday!” he replies.

"See you Monday!" Harry turns to him again smiling. Once the door is closed and Harry is gone,
he continues on his way to his home.

When he comes home, as promised, he lets Jay know that he's back and as he lies in bed himself,
his last thought is Harry.
 Chapter 2

II

The next morning, Louis wakes up with messy hair and a dry mouth from last night's beer. His
thoughts immediately wander to Harry and his stomach begins to tingle. He can’t wait to see him
hopefully again tomorrow. Under normal circumstances, Louis would be nervous before his first
day at a new school, especially a senior year when friendships and groups have been made for
years. But Louis is just happy to have the chance to exchange a few more words with Harry.

He gets up with a grin, takes a shower, brushes his teeth and goes down the stairs, already hearing
Jay busy in the kitchen. Beaming, he collapses onto a chair in the kitchen.

"Good morning Mom"

Jay, who is standing at the sink washing the dishes, turns to him and asks

"Good morning Boo, why are you in such a good mood? Tell me about last night"

She goes back to her work and Louis gets up to make himself some tea.

"I met someone yesterday. Mum...I know it sounds childish, but...I know it's him! " Louis explains,
breathing the ‚him‘.

Jay stills and turns to Louis with a questioning look.

"Who is ‚him‘?"

She sees her son blush, but he immediately begins to talk with wild hand movements and bright
blue eyes.

"He is my great love. I saw him and I went whooooosh. Mom, don't look at me like that. I really
felt it” Louis tries to put his feelings into words and to convince his mother.

"Boo… you just met that boy last night and you're still so you-"

But Louis doesn't let her finish, desperate because she doesn't seem to understand how much Harry
swept him off his feet just that night.

"Mum, you don't understand... I saw him and it was like in a movie. My heart started beating faster
and he looked at me...and I looked at him and we talked. And he spilled beer all over me, you
can’t imagine how cute he looked after that!” says Louis, an octave up and breathless, rambling to
his mother.

Jay chuckles at her son's story and shakes her head in amusement.

"Okay, okay... I see. It hit you hard"

"Yessssssssss“ Louis breathes and the whole yesterday evening plays itself out again in his head.

"How old is he anyway and is he from Manchester too?" Jay asks and Louis can feel that his
mother is trying to take his feelings seriously.
"He's 16 and lives just down the street. His name is Harry Styles and...Mum, I know it sounds
crazy, but eventually he'll end up with my last name."

Jay laughs out loud and ruffles Louis hair as she says

"Maybe you should get to know him better first and find out if he's interested in the same sex at all
before you think about marriage. I don't want to belittle your joy and infatuation, but what if you
end up walking out heartbroken?"

Louis frowns and doesn't even consider that possibility.

"But you preached weeks ago that I should approach new acquaintances with young people with an
open mind despite the incidents!"

"And you really should! But don't get too caught up in it right away" Jay frowns with concern to
add quietly "You know what happened last time."

"I know...thanks for the reminder," Louis says bitterly, turning his back on his mother. Jay grabs
his shoulder and pulls him into a tight hug.

"Hey...I just want you not to get hurt again and not have the same experience as in Donny." Louis
sighs into his mother's hug and secretly has to agree with her.

"Take care of your heart and get to know the boy first. If it's really the great love you say, then
you'll find each other... but don't rush things," Jay continues. She breaks the hug and takes Louis'
face in her hands, looking into his eyes with motherly concern.

"You're probably right, as always, Mum," Louis finally says.

"Probably...that's a mother's nature," she grins.

They both have breakfast together while Louis is back in his element and starts to rave about Harry
again. Jay listens patiently, silently thinking about her first love - Louis' father. And she tries not to
be influenced by the outcome of this relationship and to take Louis' infatuation seriously. Who
knows, maybe the two really belong together. Time will tell.

Both continue to unpack the many boxes and so the day goes by quickly. Much to Louis' delight,
because tomorrow will come sooner and he will finally see Harry again.

As Louis packs his backpack for school late in the evening and he's already thinking about what to
wear for the next day (after all, he has to look good for the meeting with Harry), a thought occurs
to him.

He quickly takes a sheet and paper and begins to write:

Hi Harry,

you must be wondering why I am writing to you. To be honest, I don't know myself, I'm probably
too pushy. I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad we met. You seem so nice and I would be happy if
we could be friends.

Here is my phone number: 01618-9194241

Or feel free to come by anytime.

Louis ◟◞̽ ̽
Louis reads the letter again and he wonders if it wasn't too quick to write something like that to
him. Although, on the other hand, he hasn't even come close to expressing what he feels. He has
taken his mother's advice to heart and doesn't want to rush too fast into it. And Louis has to be sure
that Harry likes men too. He never wants to experience anything like with Oliver again.

He folds the letter and puts it in his jacket, which he plans to wear tomorrow, so he can have the
letter ready when he sees Harry. He looks critically at the outfit he has chosen for tomorrow and
wonders if it isn't too much.

It is a pair of black, rather tight-fitting leather trousers, a white Def Leppard shirt and a brown
leather jacket. In addition he will put on white high sneakers. Louis is unsure, slight fears begin to
arise in him. But he remembers the promise he made to himself months ago, he is who he is. And
he wants to go through the world with his head held high. He's Louis, gay and has a flair for the
beautiful and the extraordinary things in life...be it fashion or Harry.

Louis stands amazed in front of his new school. It's a big old brick building, students are bustling
everywhere, some have their guitars slung over their backs or a music stand with them.

He goes in search of the secretariat to get his timetable. Confused, he walks through the unfamiliar
corridors of the school and is about to despair. He doesn't want to be late for his first lesson under
any circumstances, when he recognizes Niall's blond head in the crowd. He quickly rushes towards
him and calls to him from further away

"Hey Niall"

Niall snaps out of his conversation and starts beaming and waving wildly.

"Louis, my boy, you here?" he asks when Louis has reached him. He looks him up and down and
says, "Bold outfit. It suits you"

"Thank you... I didn't even know that you go to school here, too!" Louis says, secretly very happy
to see a familiar face here.

"Didn't Harry tell you that during your heart to heart?" Niall winks

"Uhm... no," Louis grins apologetically, blushing slightly. "Is he actually somewhere?" Louis looks
around and Niall laughs again in his typical loud cackle.

"He's only on his second period today, so you can relax" says Niall. And Louis remembers that he
was looking for the secretariat. He asks Niall for directions and walks quickly towards it.

Louis has completed his first two lessons and when the bell finally rings for break, he can't wait to
look for Harry in the hallways. He feels like there's no room in his mind for anything else. Just
Harry, Harry, Harry. He takes out his breakfast and eats it while he walks around looking for the
curly hair. Louis doesn't miss the looks of the other students, who scrutinize him and his outfit. A
group of girls put their heads together and start whispering and giggling. Louis rolls his eyes in
annoyance and moves on. He's already lost hope of finding Harry on his half-hour break until he
sees him sitting on a bench in the yard.

Louis stands frozen and takes in his sight. Harry sits absorbed in a magazine, his curls falling
slightly over his face. He seems so soft, so young and Louis just wants to touch him. Without
ulterior motives, completely innocent. Wants to run his fingers over his presumably soft skin, kiss
the full pink lips and sink into the green eyes. After taking another deep breath, he makes his way
to Harry. As he stops in front of him, his body casts a shadow across Harry's face, causing him to
look up in astonishment.

"Hi Harry" Louis grins at him. Harry quickly closes his newspaper and Louis sees that it is a copy
of 'Smash It', a music magazine. Beaming, Harry looks at him and blue meets green.

"Hey Louis, how's your first day going so far?" Harry asks him, quietly and always so
heartbreakingly shy.

"Very good, thank you. I just can’t find my way around the building yet”

"I felt the same way on my first day, but you'll get used to it quickly," Harry replies while a breeze
blows through his hair. Harry tucks a few cheeky strands of hair behind his ear, with limited
success as his curls refuse to be tamed. How much would Louis give to caress it.

"And you like to look at magazines during your breaks?" asks Louis, pointing to 'Smash it'.

"Yes, it's my favorite magazine" Harry nods.

Louis would love to talk to him more, but the school bell rings, announcing the break is over and
they both have to go to their next lesson.

"Was nice to see you" Louis smiles gently at Harry. Harry blinks at him and whispers, "You too,
Louis. By the way, I really like your outfit." Harry blushes again and quickly looks away.

This boy will definitely be my death, Louis thinks. He remembers his letter in his jacket pocket and
quickly pulls it out to hand it to Harry. Louis, now also a little apprehensive of Harry's reaction,
quickly makes his way to the next class, only shouting out a hasty "thank you" in response to
Harry's compliment.

He no longer sees Harry staring in fascination at the small folded piece of paper in his hand and
then glancing after Louis with a smile. He also doesn't know that Harry's heart was beating faster
the whole time they were talking. Harry quickly puts the letter in his pocket and decides to read it
later at home in peace.

Louis is doing his homework when he hears the phone ringing downstairs in the living room. He
lifts his head and listens intently, hoping Harry has read his note and he's the caller.

He quickly goes to his room door, which was already open, and hears his mother answering the
call

"Tomlinson, hello? ...oh, hi dear...yes, he's upstairs. Wait, I'll get him"

And Louis breathes a sigh of relief, it must be Harry. He hasn't given his number to anyone else in
the two days they've been in Manchester. The next moment Jay is already calling for him and he
literally storms down the stairs, almost missing the last step. Jay raises an amused brow at him and
hands him the phone, muttering under his breath that it is indeed Harry on the other end of the
line.

Louis literally snatches the receiver from her hand, presses it to his ear and says breathlessly
"Harry... hey"

He hears Harry clear his throat softly and then say

"Hey...um...thanks for your letter. Would you like to visit me this afternoon?"

And Louis struggles with his self-control not to scream out loud and jump around wildly.

"Yes of course. I could be there in an hour” he says in a (hopefully) calm voice.

"Okay, see you. And you weren't too pushy to write to me, by the way."

Louis grins into the phone and answers

"Good to know. See you soon"

They both say goodbye and Louis puts down the phone with a dreamy look. Until he hears Jay
clear his throat, who observed Louis during the conversation.

"It's nice to see you so happy" Jay tells him.

"And it feels even better"

They both smile at each other and Louis quickly runs back to his room to finish his homework, so
he can get to Harry's on time.

Louis stands nervously in front of Harry's door and has already rung the bell. He hears footsteps
approaching and then the door opens. It appears to be Harry's mother as the resemblance is
unmistakable. The same bright green eyes and a friendly smile on her face.

"You must be Louis? Harry said he’s going to have a friend over" she asks, inviting him in with a
wave of her hand.

"Yes exactly, Ms Styles" Louis replies politely and shakes her hand in greeting.

"Call me Anne, please. Harry is upstairs, I'm sure he's already waiting for you."

Louis nods and takes the stairs up. He stands helplessly in the middle of the hallway and doesn't
really know which door is Harry's. However, Harry seems to have heard the steps on the stairs, and
at the far end of the hall the door opens. Harry beams at him and Louis quickly walks towards him.

"Come in" Harry says to him and Louis smiles as he steps past him into his room. And Louis lets
his gaze wander curiously. It's painted lilac, but Louis decides straight away that it suits Harry's
personality. So gentle and reserved. He has a small desk and a closet in the room. Also a large shelf
with tons of cassettes and vinyls. Louis loves music, obviously, and definitely wants to ask Harry to
look at his collection. There are countless posters all around his bed, all of George Michael.

"Big fan?" Louis asks Harry while pointing at the posters. Harry's cheeks start to glow and he
looks down coyly, nodding in response.

"Good taste. I like his music a lot” says Louis, hoping Harry will feel that he doesn't need to be
embarrassed in front of him.

"I don't just like his music..." Harry hints. Louis looks at him questioningly while Harry flops
down on his bed and claps his hand next to him, asking Louis to do the same.

Louis doesn't need to be told twice.

"What do you mean by that?" asks Louis. Harry, still looking down, nervously plays with his
fingers on his lip. Louis patiently awaits Harry's reply. Since only another silence follows, Louis
encourages him to come out with his answer.

"Harry you don't have to be embarrassed by me, I know we haven't known each other very long,
but you can trust me! What else do you like about him? His clothes? His hair? Or what is it?

Harry takes a deep breath in and out, nods as if to encourage himself to speak up, and then finally
answers shyly.

"I have a little crush on him…I'm bi...uhm... and you're the first one I say this to, please keep it to
yourself." Harry buries his face in his hands to shield himself from Louis' reaction. Louis doesn't
care if he takes a step too far, he pulls Harry into a hug and whispers softly in his ear.

"Thanks curly, you're so brave and you don't have to be afraid that I'll say something - I'm gay
myself."

Harry begins to sob into his shoulder. A great deal of tension falls away from him and Louis can
understand it so well. He slowly runs his hands down Harry's back, just trying to be there for him.
As he slowly calms down and after a while pulls away from the hug, Harry says to him

"I almost thought so... somehow I had a feeling you were just like me."

"How long have you known? asks Louis and Harry begins to talk

"I haven't had any experience with either girls or boys, but I've felt it since I was a little kid,
actually. And over the last year it became completely clear to me. It was hard when I realized it.”

Louis nods in agreement.

"It's not easy to find out about yourself and accept it. Unfortunately, we grow up in a world full of
heteronormativity” agrees Louis. Harry pauses, then says softly

"I'm so scared of the reaction from my mum or my friends. I can't imagine to come out to them in
the near future"

Louis tries to encourage him and says

"You're still so young, Harry. You still have so much ahead of you and who knows what will
happen in the next few years. We should fight much more for our rights, by the way”

"You're actually right" Harry agrees. Both of them talk for a while and Louis also let him know
that he didn't have an easy time after his coming out. But he doesn't want to tell Harry the whole
story yet, he doesn't feel ready for that, because the memory is still tainted with shame.

Both promised not to tell each other's secrets and then hugged each other tightly. The security of
being able to be open to the other feels so good.

The two then look at Harry's vinyl and cassette collection together and Harry lends him some,
including some by George Michael, of course.

Harry is a huge fan of his music and, in addition to all his posters hanging over his bed, he also has
countless T-shirts in his closet, all of which he proudly shows him, and every tape and vinyl he has
made. Louis finds it so endearing and Harry takes more and more of his heart. Now that he knows
Harry is also into the opposite sex, he's hoping he'll have a chance with him, but remembering his
mother's advice again, he wants to take it slow.

Also with the background that Harry is only 16 years old and has even less experience than
himself. Louis' protective instinct was felt from the start for this young, delicate and shy boy and
every minute he spends more with him, the need to protect him from all evil in this world grows.
Even if it’s of himself, because he doesn't want to do things with him he’s not ready for. He wants
to win Harry's heart slowly.

In the evening, when Louis is looking in his jacket pocket for money, which he needs for the
cafeteria the next day to buy something to eat there, he finds a folded sheet of paper

For Louis

says it and Louis can immediately guess that this letter must be from Harry. Excitedly he takes it to
his bed, makes himself comfortable and opens it. Harry's handwriting is neat and legible, which is
fitting. Louis wonders when Harry put the letter in his jacket pocket. But actually it can only have
happened during their afternoon together. Louis begins to read.

Louis,

Thanks a lot for your letter. I was so happy about that. When I first saw you in the club on
Saturday, I knew right away that you were something special. Your loud and happy nature
fascinated me directly, because you know how shy and insecure I am. We can be friends and
maybe I can take on a bit of your personality then :)

I'm probably sounding corny, but I think we should get to know each other. I feel like you were sent
to me from the universe. I'm seriously considering tearing up the letter again but... this is me,
Louis and I just hope you accept me for who I am.

See you tomorrow

Harry

Louis puts the letter aside, only to pick it up again a moment later and read it through a second
time. So Harry also felt that there’s something between them. Louis decides to make something big
out of this little spark between them.
 Chapter 3

III

After two weeks it has become routine for both of them to meet in the courtyard during the break
and read a new issue of 'Smash Hit' or another magazine together. But they also often talk about
whatever comes into their minds. Harry slowly opens up more and more with Louis, knowing he
can trust him. On some days Niall comes along and always lightens the mood. Niall often gives the
two interested looks and always makes sure that the two are sitting next to each other. Louis
suspects that Niall has long checked that there is a certain tension between the two.

Or maybe Harry confided in Niall and told him about his feelings? Although Louis doesn't even
know if he even has feelings for him. So far they're still on a friendly level, but Louis has decided
to get a little braver and try the waters out.

It's so hard for him to not want to be constantly stroking Harry’s curls or imagining what it would
be like to put his lips on him. After the hand-holding on the first night of meeting or the tight hug
after Harry came out, no further touches were exchanged.

Jay often asks how things are going and Louis can only reply that the two are friends. She often
pats him on the shoulder afterwards and tells him reassuringly that everything will come to him at
the right time and place.

They both arranged to meet up this afternoon, Harry invited him back over and Louis makes an
extra effort when he’s in the bathroom. He showers, brushes his teeth, pulls his hair back in a full
wave and finishes off with some perfume on his wrists and neck.

He quickly goes to Jay in the kitchen and says goodbye to her. Jay looks him up and down and
smiles at him. She says, "You look great. I wish you the best of luck in what you plan to do."

Louis replies in astonishment "How do you know I'm up to something?"

Jay makes a head to toe gesture towards Louis and winks at him and says

"Perfume and your clothes suggest you have big plans for today"

Louis looks down bashfully. Actually, these are not topics that he wants to discuss with his mother,
but he answers anyway.

"I'm trying to get off the friendly level a bit, to be honest. I hope for a kiss, keep your fingers
crossed.”

Jay crosses both of her fingers and shows them to Louis, grinning.

"Everything will be fine, have fun with Harry."

Louis is on his way. He tries to get his nervousness under control during the walk, but his mind is
racing.

What if Harry just wants friendship and he's misread all the looks exchanged over the past few
days? What if it ends up like Oliver again? Louis couldn't take it a second time. Especially not with
Harry.

Harry already means so much to him, even though nothing has happened between the two of them
yet. But then Louis thinks that, even if Harry is going to reject him, Louis could only live with a
friendship. Better than not having him in his life at all, because he already cares too much for him.

This time he doesn't have a chance to ring the bell, because Harry already opens the door for him,
beaming with joy.

"There you are" he calls and Louis answers "Have you been waiting for me?" and winks at him.
Harry just nods in response and they both go upstairs to Harry's room. Since both were planning to
listen to each other through Harry's vinyl collection, Harry already made it comfortable for both of
them. At the desk there is a bottle of coke and even a six pack of beer. Louis has to ask Harry
where he got these from and where he hid them under Anne's watchful eye. Sweets and popcorn are
also available. Louis wonders if Harry wants to give him a sugar shock - although just the sight of
Harry is one enough for Louis.

Both of them make themselves comfortably cross-legged on the floor of Harry's room. They put all
the drinks and the sweets between them. Louis leans forward to look through the vinyl’s and tapes
spread out on the floor and decides what to listen to first.

"What would you like to hear?" asks Louis, looking up at Harry. Harry just shrugs and answers him

"You can decide Lou, I already know them all"

Louis opts for the most recent ‚Rolling Stones‘ album because he hasn't heard it yet. Harry puts it
on the record player and turns it on. Both take some of the popcorn and drink a glass of coke.
There's a nice vibe between the two, they occasionally exchange looks, talk quietly about each
song or touch hands in the bowl of popcorn. Louis actually has a good feeling it could lead to more
today. At some point the two decide to open the beer. Louis really needs that for his nerves right
now. He is constantly waiting for the right moment to take a step further. They clink the bottles
and everyone takes a big sip. The ‚Rolling Stones‘ album is now finished and Harry decides to put
on the new album of 'White Snake'.

When he returns, he lies down on the floor next to Louis and says to him, who is still sitting cross-
legged

"Come on, lie down here with me on the floor" and pulls Louis down by the arm. Harry wouldn't
still be Harry, if he didn't blush.

"Did you know that you can hear the lyrics of music much better if you stare at the ceiling? At
least that's how I feel” Harry grins and gives him a quick look only to then let it wander back up to
the ceiling. Louis giggles, takes another sip of his beer and then finally lies down next to Harry.
Both lying on their backs, their fingers touching beneath them. Butterflies are already buzzing in
Louis' stomach just from this little touch. Neither of them says another word, both just listen to the
music and enjoy each other's presence. Louis can hardly stand the tension. He tries not to let it
show and hopes his breathing isn't too rapid.

As the song 'Is This Love' begins to play, Louis plucks up the courage to roll onto his side and stare
at Harry. Harry turns his head to the side and looks back.

I find I spend my time waiting on your call

How can I tell you, babe, my back's against the wall
I need you by my side to tell me it's all right
'Cause I don't think I can take anymore

And Louis reaches out to Harry, gently stroking his cheek. Harry lets him do it, lying very still.
Harry's gaze slides from Louis' eyes to his mouth and back again. Louis takes this as a good sign
and moves his body closer to Harry. The tips of their noses touch. Louis swallows loudly, his hand
shaking as it slides from his cheek to the back of his neck. Louis is so nervous but thinks it's now
or never . He pulls Harry closer with his hand on the back of his neck, their lips already touching
gently. Harry gasps and Louis looks at him questioningly. A slight nod from Harry and that's all it
takes for Louis to bring his lips all the way to Harry's. He begins to kiss him gently, carefully,
lovingly.

Is this love that I'm feeling?

Is this the love that I've been searching for?
Is this love or am I dreaming?
This must be love
’Cause it's really got a hold on me
A hold on me

Harry turns sideways as well, moving even closer to Louis. And Louis appreciates this move,
knows how shy Harry actually is.

Louis puts his arm over Harry’s back to hold him tight. Both break their kiss, take a breath, only to
sink right into the next one. Although both of them don't really have any experience and know what
they're doing, Louis can't imagine a better feeling. Harry is perfect. He knew it from the start.

Can't stop the feeling, I've been this way before

But with you I've found the key to open any door
I can feel my love for you growing stronger day by day
And I can't wait to see you again
So I can hold you in my arms

Harry begins to sigh softly into the kiss and Louis' emotions take a rollercoaster ride. Louis can't
get enough of Harry, he pushes harder into the kiss , wanting more more more . Harry wants to
crawl in him, hold him, protect him and never let go. Louis is sure he's in love, but he knows it's
too soon to tell, doesn't want to scare Harry. The song ends and moves on to the next, but not their
kiss.

Harry is getting braver too, running his hand down Louis' shoulders to his waist and letting it rest
there. Louis slowly breaks the kiss and then finishes it with a kiss on the tip of Harry's nose. Both
lie there breathing heavily, exchanging silent looks. Harry's eyes are bright green with a storm of
emotion in them. Louis could look at him for hours.

"That was a beautiful first kiss," Harry whispers, stroking his fingertips over his mouth in
fascination, as if he can't believe what just happened.

Louis grabs Harry's fingers on his lip and laces them over his. The sight of the two crossed hands
makes him so happy. He looks back at Harry who was also watching their hands.

"It feels so right. This between us” Louis whispers back just as softly. Harry nods at him, smiles.
Louis rolls onto his back and then pulls Harry into his chest. Harry snuggles up against him as if
the place was made for him. His head nestles gently on top of him, his curls tickling Louis' chin
and their hands laying still entwined on his stomach. Louis knows that he never wants to be
without it again. Harry belongs to him.
They lie there for a while until Anne calls from downstairs that Louis should be on his way home
soon, after all, tomorrow is a school day. They both sit up with a sigh and Louis can't imagine how
he's going to last a few hours until the next morning without Harry. And Harry is sulking too. His
lower lip sticking out and the sight is too much for Louis, he pulls Harry in to kiss his pout away.
Harry melts into the kiss, falling softly into Louis's arms and their kisses getting bolder. Louis
gently runs his tongue between Harry's lips, slowly dipping into his mouth and their tongues begin
a dance.

They hear a knock on the stairs, a sign from Anne that Louis really should be on his way.

"That... that wasn't... just a one time thing for you, right Lou?" Harry asks, stuttering and uncertain.

"No… God, babe, absolutely not. This is so much more to me than you think. We'll talk tomorrow,
okay?” Louis asks him, running his hands up and down Harry's arms. Harry smiles in relief and
breathes a soft "Okay"

Harry accompanies Louis down the stairs to the front door. They both pause there to see if Anne is
around, only to exchange a quick kiss goodbye.

When Louis arrives at home, Jay is already waiting for him sitting on the sofa with an expectant
expression.

"Keeping your fingers crossed helped Mum" he grins from ear to ear.

Jay squeals with delight, so supportive as always and says "I'm so happy for you, I know how
strong you feel for him"

Jay has met Harry when he visited Louis over two afternoons. She immediately fell for his shy
charm and gave Louis her blessing.

Louis says goodnight to Jay and falls into bed happily. But he is far from resting.

The butterflies flutter too quickly in his stomach, his heart is racing with joy at the successful
afternoon and the memories of it play over and over again in his head.
 Chapter 4

IV

Dear Harry,

I'm sure you won't open the letter until after we've talked. I lay awake late last night and couldn't
get my mind off you thinking that all of this between us could’ve just been a kiss. You took me
completely from the first moment. I want everything with you and I know we are young but my
heart and soul chose you. I know there's no one else but you for me.

Kissing you yesterday was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I can still feel your lips
on mine and can't wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your Louis

Louis puts down the pen and folds the sheet of paper. Writing letters has become a thing between
the two of them over the past two weeks, and it’s important to Louis that Harry knows with
absolute certainty that he’s completely infatuated with him. He puts the letter in his backpack and
makes his way downstairs to say goodbye to Jay, like he does every day.

Once at school he goes straight to his first class and can't wait to see Harry at the break. It’s
important to him to talk to Harry about yesterday. When the bell finally rings, Louis quickly makes
his way to the place they share every day. Harry is already waiting for him. Both of them exchange
a beaming smile from afar. When he gets to him, Harry throws himself straight into his arms and
Louis catches him giggling. Louis inhales Harry's very own scent, and can't get enough of it. His
curls tickle his nose because Harry buried his face in the back of his neck. They break out of the
tight hug and give each other a long look. Louis takes Harry's hand and pulls him onto the bench.

Harry looks so gorgeous as always, his curls are extra bouncy today, his lips are so pink as if they
were still kissed raw from last night. His slender body is back in baggy jeans and a sweater that is
much too big, as it’s currently the fashion. Harry looks so small, young and delicate. Louis just
wants to take him in his arms and hold him and that's exactly what he does in the next moment.
Harry presses against him with his whole body weight, literally digs in, nothing feels better
anyway, but it's important for Louis to talk to Harry about yesterday and so he says

"How are you after yesterday, Curly?" and tugs at a cheeky curl that hangs over his forehead.
Harry mumbles, head still buried in his neck,"I'm fine".

"Me too" smiles Louis broadly and asks bold "Where do we stand? What is all this for you?

Harry straightens up and looks wide-eyed at Louis. He starts to stutter and then says in a steady
voice, "It wasn't just a kiss for me".

“Neither for me, to be honest … I want to be with you. I want to call you mine." Louis replies and
searches for Harry’s eyes.

Harry pauses for a moment and hesitates, looking up and looking at him sincerely. Finally he says
"I want to be yours too...but I'm not ready for us to make it public...and Louis I don't know when
I'll be ready and I want you to know that from the start" he lowers his eyes and waits for Louis'
reaction. At first Louis is just happy, Harry wants to be with him. But then he thinks about the
other part of the answer and yes he can understand it. Harry is only 16 years old and even at 18 it's
not easy. There are still too many people who are against queer people, who find it repugnant and
drop their derogatory comments unasked. Gay rights still have to be fought hard for. It's not easy
and while Louis would love to introduce everyone to Harry as his boyfriend, he understands and
says so to Harry.

"I get it Haz, but the main thing is that we two know we belong together and maybe sometime in
the future we can be brave enough to let the world know" he says understandingly.

"So we're boyfriends?" Harry asks with a wink and a cute smile

"Absolutely. Proper boyfriends” Louis nods and smiles at him, looking deep into his eyes. Trying
to express with his eyes what he can't and doesn't want to say yet because it would be too soon.

God, I would love to kiss him right now , Louis thinks. But he accepts Harry's wish. Instead, he
breathes in his ear, "Come over to my house later. Then I‘ll kiss your lips sore". Harry gasps, nods
quickly and Louis smirks.

"I have something for you" he puts his letter directly into Harry’s jacket pocket. Harry smiles oh so
sweetly at him. Both play footie a little, hoping that none of the other students would notice, and
then they go to their classrooms after the break.

As Louis is walking across the yard to go home after the last lesson, he hears Niall call for him and
so he stops to wait. Niall runs the last meters to him and grins at him.

"Hey Louis, sorry I don't want to keep you long" and puts a hand on his shoulder.

"No problem, mate. As long as I'm home on time this afternoon when Harry visits me, I'll be fine,”
grins Louis. Just thinking about Harry makes him so happy.

"Which brings us to the subject..." says Niall with a serious expression.

"Ohhh, I see... it's the ‚don't break his heart speech‘, right?" Louis nods with a wry smile. "So
Harry told you everything?"

"Oh god yeah... it was gross, he was just raving about you and your kisses for an hour." Niall
makes a jokingly meant gagging sound and Louis bursts out in laughter.

"I could tell you about it for at least an hour, too," Louis teases, but Niall doesn't want to know and
becomes more serious again.

"Okay, let me get this straight - if you break his heart, I'll break your nose and probably more.
Harry is like my little brother. And you know how shy and reserved he is. I don't want to spoil
anything, it's not my part...but... you mean a lot to Harry. Take care of him."

Louis nods in agreement with every word. And he's glad Harry has such a friend who looks after
him. Louis himself has developed such a protective instinct for Harry though and he's so in love
with him he can't imagine ever breaking his heart. He would rather, symbolically speaking, carry it
in his hands, caress it and never let go.
"I get it" Louis says quietly, and they both shake hands as if they've struck a deal for Harry's heart.

"But Niall… I think Harry has told you too, but still, you have to promise not to tell anyone about
us. Harry's not ready yet” Louis pleads, his mouth set in a serious line.

"Of course I won't say anything. I know what it's like, too many homophobic assholes in this
world."

"Yes, unfortunately..." Louis nods.

They both say goodbye to each other shortly afterwards and each goes their own way home.

When he gets home, he quickly makes himself a sandwich and a cup of his beloved Yorkshire tea
and throws himself onto the sofa next to Jay.

"Mum, something happened" says Louis with a grin. Jay, absorbed in a new episode of 'Dallas'
looks at Louis, startled. "What have you done?" she asks with raised eyebrows.

Louis laughs and takes a sip of his tea. He gently taps her hand for reassurance and says

"It's nothing bad mom. I talked to Harry at the break today and we're dating. Oh god...Mum, we're
together” and only now does he really realize it and throws himself into Jay's lap and arms with joy
like he used to as a little boy.

Jay laughs out loud and kisses her son on the cheek. She lovingly strokes a strand of hair from his
forehead and says, "I'm so happy for you... for both of you."

Louis lets go of his mother and sits down decently on the sofa again. Both briefly watch the
intrigues of ‚Dallas‘ on the tube TV in silence until Jay turns to him and asks with a serious
expression

"Is now the time I have to warn you about the dangers of sex? Aside from AIDS?”

Louis cringes and wrinkles his nose.

"No Mum.. please spare me. If we ever get to that point in our relationship I'll know all about gay
sex"

This in turn makes Jay wince.

"Oh god, it's weird talking to my baby about sex. Just hearing the word out of your mouth...” Jay
shakes herself and they both burst out laughing. Louis loves his mother so much, it has always been
easy to talk to her, she has always given him the security of being able to be completely open with
her.

"Then let's not talk about it anymore," laughs Louis.

He tells Jay that Harry is coming over this afternoon and she nods in agreement. She turns back to
'Dallas' and waves Louis away with her hand. The show is sacred to Jay, and Louis begins putting
his things away in the kitchen.

He walks past her and strokes her long hair while he says to her quietly "Sorry that you missed half
the episode because of me" winks and quickly goes upstairs to his room. He urgently needs to
clean up before Harry comes.
Louis ponders how different they really are while making his bed neatly. While Louis is loud,
outgoing, and messy, Harry is quiet, shy, and neat. Like two pieces of a puzzle that make a whole.

Or when Louis' smaller hand is in Harry's larger one, tied up like two ships. Like two monopolies
attracting each other. And Louis can't wait to see what differences he'll discover between the two in
the years to come. He wants to know everything about Harry, wants to fully compensate him, with
his heart and soul.

When Harry finally comes over, Louis can't wait a minute longer. He pulls him through the front
door and starts kissing him impatiently. He's like an addict looking for the next kick. Only that he
holds his drug in his arms and kisses him tenderly. Both hear a clearing of the throat behind them,
Jay walks past them with a grin and a shake of her head. As she’s almost over in the other room she
says that the two should please move it to Louis' room. They both start blushing and go upstairs
hand in hand, giggling.
 Chapter 5

When both of them have entered Louis' room, Harry lets himself fall onto Louis' desk chair and
turns wildly in circles. Louis watches in bliss, loving it when Harry sheds his shyness and he's just
being himself. Louis walks up to him and stops the chair with Harry so that he can look him
straight in the face. Louis bends down and gives him a long kiss. He slowly pulls Harry up to him
and he melts in his arms like warm butter. Louis' hand travels up and down Harry's back, only to
stop just short above his bottom. Louis doesn't know how far they both want to go, which is too
much or even too little. Although Louis is the older of the two, the lack of experience makes him
nervous. He tries to put the thoughts away for a while, but in doing so, he pulls Harry even more
towards him. Harry keeps sighing softly into their intense kiss and for Louis it's the most beautiful
sound.

It makes him proud that he coaxes these tones out of Harry and that he's the one holding him.
Harry's hands are wandering too, feeling their way gently over Louis' body. Shy, gentle Harry
seems braver than he's the most of time, as Louis can feel his hand sliding down his ass cheeks.
Slowly and so carefully. It sends goosebumps all over his body and he can't help but groan. Harry
smiles into their kiss and Louis breaks it, looking at Harry in amusement.

"Like what you're feeling?" he asks teasingly and Harry, with an unusual amount of confidence,
just pinches his butt in response. Louis raises both eyebrows and pulls his hand back into Harry's
face. Both explore their mouths with their tongues, the kiss becomes messier. Louis feels both their
pants tighten and pulls Harry over to his bed. He gently pushes Harry back with his hand as an
invitation to lie down, both of them too agitated to say anything. Louis follows him and pulls him
close to him. Both start again where they left off. Hands that slowly caress their dressed bodies,
deep kisses and wildly beating hearts. At some point Harry begins to whimper needy and Louis
immediately lets go of him. Takes his cheek in his hand and asks with a worried look, "Are you
okay babe?".

"Yeah... it's just..." Harry stammers, unable to find the words, clearly embarrassed.

"What is it? You can tell me anything” and Louis kisses his forehead. But Harry, apparently better
with actions than words, takes Louis' other hand that's on his stomach and slowly guides it to his
dick.

Louis's breath catches, he feels how hard Harry is in his pants. His own cock, already hard too,
twitches at the feeling of touching Harry's.

"Tell me what you want Haz, what should I do?" asks Louis, his heart pounding in his throat.

"Please Lou...help me" and Louis knows exactly what Harry wants to say but he has to reassure
himself

"Are you sure? I don't want you to regret anything afterwards babe." But Harry shakes his head, his
eyes stormy, his lips swollen from kissing.

"I’m sure. Please..." Harry breathes, eyes begging.

"Do you want to leave your clothes on or can I undress you?"

Louis has no idea where this is going, just trying to do it right. He himself is already hazy from his
feelings for Harry, from the tension about what they are about to do and the nervousness about not
doing the wrong thing.

"No, I want to feel you Lou. Can we please touch naked?” Harry asks and Louis just nods in
response.

He sits up to unbutton Harry's pants and slowly pulls them down his legs. Louis lets his eyes
wander down Harry's long legs, up to his visible bulge. He swallows only to carelessly toss Harry's
socks to the floor. Harry just watches him silently with wide eyes. Louis gently strokes Harry's bare
legs, making him tremble slightly. He then crawls up a bit and bends over Harry to give him a
quick kiss, his hands wandering to Harry's sweater and he pulls it off with Harry's help, so that he
is now only in his underpants in front of him. Louis doesn't even know where to look, where to
touch him. He's so insecure about everything and that he's so horny himself, which is clouding his
thoughts, doesn't make it any better. Harry apparently senses his stress and makes grabby hands
and needy sounds. Louis quickly bends over him and seals his mouth with a long kiss. Harry's
hands begin to fiddle with Louis' shirt until he finally pulls it over his head. Louis strips himself of
the rest of his clothes except for his briefs and lies down next to Harry, only to pull him halfway
right onto him. Both look at each other with fiery eyes, Harry's curls fall into his face and Louis
strokes them back, taking in the soft features of his still youthful face.

"You are so beautiful," Louis whispers to him.

Harry shudders at the compliment, his hips pressing his cock against Louis and oh my god that
feels good . Harry groans loudly and Louis quickly puts a hand on Harry's mouth and whispers to
him

"Babe, you have to be quiet. My mom is downstairs" and kisses him apologetically for the gesture.
Harry nods in agreement, sits up and begins pulling down Louis' briefs. Louis finds this side of
Harry so fascinating, where does his shy angel suddenly get this confidence from? It turns him on
and his cock is stiff on his stomach. Harry runs his fingertips along and Louis now has to control
himself not to make a sound.

"Take off your pants for me, Haz," Louis whispers to him, his voice thick of arousal.

Harry obeys immediately and slowly, sensually, pulls it off his long legs. Louis watches him
intently. And his breath catches again. It's the first time he's seen another man naked. Except for
the gay magazines, which he secretly bought and to which he sometimes had a wank. But nothing
comes close to this sight. Harry with tousled curls, red-kissed lips, eyes full of hunger and his cock
sticking up hard and long in the air.

It's Louis now reaching out to Harry, unable to stand an inch of space between them. Harry literally
throws himself at him and starts kissing him hungrily. Louis is overwhelmed with the whole
situation, the roles are reversed and he just decides to enjoy, not to want to think anymore.

They both start pressing their bodies against each other in slow movements, their groins pressed
against each other. Their tongues fight a battle in their mouths, spit spreads up to their chins. It
doesn't matter. It's raw, hot, sensual and the first sexual experience for both. Louis didn't want to
share it with anyone but Harry. It's perfect.

But the friction of their dry cocks rubbing together becomes uncomfortable, Louis grabs Harry's ass
to stop his hip movement.
"Stop, we need something…it’s so dry..." says Louis, shaking his hips a bit to underline what he
means.

"I have an idea," Harry breathes while biting his earlobe. Louis groans softly and hopes that Harry
will implement his idea quickly because he can hardly contain himself.

Harry brings his hand to his mouth, licks his hand obscenely with his tongue, spreads his spit
literally on it and Louis dies a thousand deaths. His boyfriend is too sexy, he could come just by
looking at him. Harry wraps his hand around both of their cocks and they both sigh at the same
time. At first it's slow movements, their cocks sliding up and down and Louis can already feel his
orgasm approaching. Both kiss with open mouths. Louis feels precome spilling out of him, his hips
moving quickly and frantically against Harry's. But Harry doesn't feel any different obviously, he
has his eyes closed, he's moaning as softly as he can and his legs are shaking. Neither of them
seems to last long, it's almost embarrassing but not surprising. Both are virgins and their stamina is
low.

"Lou, I...I'll be right there... Oh god" Harry is panting.

"Me too babe, god you're so hot" Louis stammers.

He grabs Harry's ass again, pinching it hard and it throws Harry over the edge. He spurts his hot
come between them, his face screwed up in bliss, his whole body shaking. Louis trusts into Harry's
fist a few more times before cumming himself over Harry's already sagging cock and hand as well.
The two are a mess. Both look at each other with wide eyes, beginning to understand what just
happened between them.

Harry releases his hand from the two sensitive cocks and Louis gives him a tissue from the bedside
table to clean his hand. Both clean themselves as best they can at that moment. Still struggling for
breath, they cuddle up to each other. Harry absently draws circles on Louis' stomach and he himself
plays with his curls. A comfortable silence is between the two, but in Louis' breast a lion roars. He
doesn't know how to sort and process all the feelings. It's too much and not enough.

"I like you so much baby" Louis whispers softly and hugs him.

"Like you too! More than you think,” Harry murmurs back.

Both get dressed shortly afterwards, the fear too great that Jay could be in the door at any moment.

When Louis comes back from the kitchen with drinks for both of them, he sees Harry sitting at his
desk looking at the homework he left there.

"Hey babe, what are you doing?" Louis asks him as he puts the drinks down. He stands behind
Harry to see what he's looking at, gently patting his back.

Louis sees it’s his homework for his lyrics writing class. Harry looks up and responds
excitedly, "Did you write that? It is wonderful!“

"Yes... and I can even tell you who my muse was," Louis smirked, tapping Harry's chest with his
index finger.

Harry blushes, back is his shy boyfriend.

"Do you also...I don't know...have music notes for that?" asks Harry and Louis knows exactly what
he's getting at. He grins and nods, walking to his guitar that's in the corner of his room.

"I haven't written it down yet, but I know exactly how it's supposed to sound. Come here baby, I'll
play it for you,” he says to Harry as he sits on his bed. Harry immediately follows him and sits
cross-legged next to him.

Harry doesn't play an instrument himself but takes singing lessons at school and is in the school's
choir, so he's fascinated to see Louis rest his guitar on his leg, retune it briefly, and then put his
hands on the strings.

"Ready Haz?" Louis asks him smiling and Harry breathes a little "yes" at him. Louis begins to play
the first chords, slightly nervous if Harry will like it. He also knows he's not the greatest singer, too
self-critical to realize how extraordinary his voice actually is. That's why he took writing lessons at
school and learned to play the guitar early on and practiced for hours every day. Calm down, it's
Harry, he's not going to make fun of you , he's trying to calm his nerves.

As he begins to sing, he focuses entirely on the lyrics and the meaning behind them, hoping Harry
seems to understand what his words mean. His eyes are closed and his voice, which was softer at
first, is now becoming more and more confident and louder. He puts all his feelings into it,
completely loses himself in it.

Baby, I, I wanna know

What you think when you're alone
Is it me, yeah?
Are you thinking of me, yeah, oh?

We've been friends now for a while

Wanna know that when you smile
Is it me, yeah?
Are you thinking of me yeah, oh, oh?

Baby, what would you do?

Would you wanna stay, if I were to say?

I wanna be last, yeah

Baby, let me be your, let me be your last first kiss
I wanna be first, yeah
Wanna be the first to take it all the way like this

And if you only knew

I wanna be last, yeah, baby, let me be your last
Your last first kiss

As he finishes, he takes a deep breath in and out. Keeps his eyes closed and his insecurity returns.
He feels naked in front of Harry, his core taught to the outside. He feels Harry's hand on his and
hears him say

"Open your eyes Lou, look at me"

And Louis obeys, looking up uncertainly to see Harry's eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"It was beautiful... you’re so talented Louis! And why aren't you in our choir?” he grins gently at
him.

Louis snorts and replies, "Didn't you just hear my voice? It’s not good enough" and looks down
again, embarrassed. Louis puts his guitar aside and nervously fiddles with his hands. He just
shouldn't have sung in front of Harry, bringing out all the insecurities he tries to bury so often.

"I never want to hear any nonsense like that from your mouth again," Harry says sourly, the first
time Louis hears him that way.

"But I..." Louis begins, only to be interrupted the next moment by a hard kiss on his mouth. Harry
doesn't let him go for a while and Louis gratefully accepts what he's offered. Finally Harry pulls
away from him, cups his cheeks in both hands and says

"You are wonderful, everything about you. Even your voice,” Harry reassured him only to plant
another kiss on his mouth.

"And... I would love to be your first last kiss," he breathes against his lips shortly afterwards and
Louis' heart swells.

They both lose themselves in kissing for the rest of the afternoon and early evening, Harry trying to
play a few chords on the guitar himself and Louis patiently trying to get his long fingers right on
the strings over and over again.

When Harry has to go home, he says goodbye to him at the front door and looks after him for a
long time until he disappears around the corner.

He watches 'Dirty Dancing' with Jay on their tube TV but can't really focus on the movie. His mind
keeps wandering to Harry. Louis is so in love and he would like to shout it out to the world.
 Chapter 6

VI

Louis and Harry have been together for a month. Both are keeping their relationship a secret, only
Jay, Anne and Niall know about it. Harry was very afraid to tell his mother about his sexual
orientation and Louis had to convince him to come out, Anne would love him either way
unconditionally. He never thought of Anne as a mother who would judge Harry and abandoned
him. And he was right, Harry came to him relieved afterwards and told him that Anne was
surprised but not unhappy about the circumstance. She had only asked Harry to give her some time
to get used to it. Harry was brave and went all out, in the same breath confessed to her his
relationship with Louis.

The next time he visited the Styles house, she asked Louis to speak to him alone. Anne, otherwise
always beaming and is more than friendly to Louis, sat in front of him at the kitchen table with a
serious expression. Meanwhile, Harry was in his room and Louis, alone in front of his boyfriend's
mother, felt like he was being interrogated. Ultimately, she had asked Louis to be good to Harry
and that if it ever came to more, she expected Louis as the older to be protective of himself and
Harry…in any way. Louis endured the lecture with red cheeks and later quickly agreed to
everything in order to finally be able to escape from the situation.

When Louis told Harry everything afterwards, he giggled loudly and amusedly pulled Louis into a
kiss. Harry has now completely shed his shyness in front of Louis. It was a slow transition, but
Louis is so proud of the effect he has on Harry. Sometimes when Louis watches him from afar at
school, he can often see his cheek blushing in conversations with others. Louis is secretly glad that
Harry hasn't shed his shyness everywhere, he's too fond of it. He loves to be protective of Harry, as
when he often snuggles up to him during quiet hours in their rooms. As if only he has the power
alone to keep Harry safe.

It's hard for Louis to comply with Harry's wish that they are both secretly together, after all he
swore to himself to be out and proud. He just hopes that Harry will be ready at some point. But
nevertheless both steal their moments at school. Like right now. They have arranged to meet in the
boys' toilet and are stuck in a cubicle. They kiss hungrily, panting into each other's mouths, their
hands wander over their upper bodies and both are quickly out of breath with arousal.

They haven't gone the full way yet. Sometimes they do handjobs to each other or recently Harry
was brave enough to try a blowjob. Embarrassingly, Louis came after a very short time, the new
sensation on his cock was too much.

Just as Louis is sliding his hand under Harry's shirt to feel his soft skin, there's a sudden knock on
the cabin door. Both stop, startled, look at each other questioningly and every color drains from
their faces. Neither of them says a word, the fear of being caught is too big.

"Boys, I know you're in there," it cackles, and thankfully it's just Niall.

They both breathe a sigh of relief and start giggling.

"I watched the two of you go to the toilet and I could imagine what you were doing here. Can you
guys please come out, so I don't have to speak to a door?” Niall asks. Harry asks back in a whisper
if the coast is clear and no one could see them when they come out of a cubicle together.
"No one’s here" says Niall and they both come out with swollen lips and guilty faces. Niall laughs
at the sight of the two and shakes his head in amusement.

"Would you like to come to my place tonight? We can have a sleepover, my old ones are visiting
my brother in Brighton and staying away overnight. I've got alcohol too.” Niall asks, wiggling his
eyebrows.

Louis and Harry both look at each other, locking eyes like they're having a wordless conversation
(while Niall rolls his eyes, the two are so disgusting) and while Louis nods in agreement, Harry
says

"I have to ask Mum first, but I'm sure she won't mind, it's Friday"

"Just give me a quick call after school when you've spoken to Anne and let me know," Niall nods.

The three make their way to their regular spot in the yard to spend the rest of the break together.

Anne has agreed to the overnight stay and Louis has just picked Harry up. Both of them walk
together, laden with their rucksacks, towards Niall. Louis would like to take Harry's hand, but he
shakes his head with an apologetic smile, too afraid of being seen by local residents looking out the
window or people walking by. Louis sighs softly and even knowing Harry's situation, he grieves
for something he can't have. Just yesterday, Louis read in the newspaper about a demo in London
in which people from the community pointed out abuses and took to the streets loudly for more
rights. He has great respect for these people and it only convinced him to be proud of who he is.
Love is love after all. He wishes Harry were a little braver. If they don't stand up for themselves,
who will?

Arriving at Niall's, they carelessly throw their backpacks around and make themselves comfortable
in Horan's living room. To Harry's delight, Niall plays George Michael's vinyl. Harry is straight
into fangirl mode and tells them both about the recent success of his song 'I want your sex'. Louis
could listen to him for hours and see how he accompanies his stories with big hand movements.
While Louis fondly listens, Niall is the exact opposite. He rolls his eyes in fun and gives everyone
a flat beer and a shot. He interrupts Harry in his praise of George Michael and holds up his shot

"Cheer, mates" and drink the shot in one gulp. Harry and Louis give each other a quick grin and
imitate him. But Niall hasn't had enough and refills the shot glasses straight away. The three of
them lounge on the sofa or on the carpet, it's a cozy chaos what the three of them create in the
living room. Over the loud music, Niall asks

"While we were on the topic of success..." he casts a sideways glance at Harry, "what do you plan
to do with your future?"

Louis takes a sip of his beer and replies, "I'm going to study music next year. I would love to write
songs for musicians one day." Harry smiles at him, "You should definitely do that, you have a
talent for it" and gives him a kiss while Niall chokes. Louis then laughs out loud and throws a
pillow at him. "Rude" says Niall scandalized only to laugh at it.

Harry, who was visibly thinking through their banter, says, "I don't really know, I love singing but
like I'd have a chance to do it professionally... Maybe I'll become a vocal coach or something?" and
looks at Niall and Louis asking as if they have a solution for his future.

"Time will tell babe," Louis murmurs, stroking his hair. He then asks Niall louder what he wants
and Niall just shrugs his shoulders, smiles mischievously and says

"I guess I'll roam the pubs of Ireland like a tramp, living hand from mouth"

All three laugh out loud at the imagination. The topic is quickly ticked off and the evening
continues in the same way: drinking beer and all three have a lot of fun together.

Harry, who is not used to so much alcohol and is already slightly drunk, eventually refuses all
further drinks Niall offers him. Louis goes straight back into protector mode and pulls him onto his
lap where he hugs him tightly. He also feels the alcohol which unfortunately makes him horny and
his cock is already twitching in interest, especially since Harry is sitting right on it with his butt.
Louis tries to think of all sorts of gross things so his bulge slowly goes away. Harry doesn't seem to
notice and as Louis leans around him, he sees that Harry has fallen asleep on his chest. Niall
doesn't notice any of this, dances through the living room with his bottle of beer to 'Westend Girls'
by the Pet Shop Boys. Louis enjoys having his boyfriend sleep on top of him, a whole new
experience. Anne and Jay have both forbidden them to sleep at each other's homes. Jay doesn't
really care, Louis is 18 and can do whatever he wants, but both mothers agree that Harry at 16
should at least enjoy some semblance of maternal protection. Though both Anne and Jay are wise
enough to know, should the two want to do something sexual - they'll find a way and place.

Louis tries to wave Niall's attention to the sleeping Harry, but has no success. Eventually, he calls
out his name loudly over the music, startling Harry and letting him snuggle further into him, tired
and sighing. Niall pauses, puzzled.

"What is it, Tommo?"

"Harry is tired, we're going to bed. Where can we sleep?” asks Louis

Niall gives them the thumbs down and yells "Boooooh party pooper"

Louis rolls his eyes and runs his hand down Harry's back. He’s like a sleepy kitten on him.

Niall sets out to show them both the way. Louis is packed, in one arm he has Harry who has put his
head tiredly on Louis' shoulder and is paddling along next to him and in the other hand their two
backpacks.

Niall opens the guest room door for both of them with two single beds inside. "Behave yourselves
children" he says with a wink and leaves the two alone in the quiet of the room.

Harry undresses slowly and visibly tired, just collapses onto one of the beds. Meanwhile, Louis
decides to push the two beds together. Under no circumstances does he pass up the chance of not
falling asleep and waking up in one bed with Harry. Harry watches him with small, sleepy eyes as
he pushes the other bed across the room as quietly as he can.

"You could help me Haz," he gasps. Harry chuckles, his voice a little slurred with alcohol as he
replies, "Nope, I'd rather watch the muscles in your arm flex. Soooo sexy”

Louis gives a short laugh and tenses his muscles especially for Harry and finally manages to pull
the bed all the way to Harry’s.

"Get undressed Lou," Harry says and Louis looks at him with a raised brow. He quickly strips off
his clothes, except for his underpants, to hop onto the bed and crawl close to Harry. Harry pulls
him straight towards him as soon as he gets a hold of him. With a gasp, Louis comes down and is
pulled right into a passionate kiss. Okay, alcohol seems to make my baby horny , Louis thinks with
amusement. But he's not one to complain about it. The music is still coming up from the living
room downstairs, Niall seems to be carrying on his party alone.

Louis leans on both arms next to Harry's head and asks

"How are you babe? Are you very drunk?"

Because no matter what the two are planning now, Louis doesn't want to do anything with Harry
that he soberly regrets the next day.

"It's fine Lou, I haven't been drinking as much as you guys." He says, poking Louis' nose with his
finger and grinning sweetly. Louis could eat him up.

"But I can take more than you," Louis nudges him back. Harry pouts and Louis makes sure to kiss
it away immediately. Hungry, he kisses his mouth. The two naked chests are skin to skin and Louis
runs from Harry's stomach, over the fine hairs on his navel up to one of his nipples. He strokes it
slowly, teasingly, eliciting a sigh from Harry. Still the most beautiful sound for Louis. Harry's
tongue finds its way into Louis' mouth and begins to grab Louis' ass, caressing him gently. Both
cocks are already rock hard in their pants and Louis can't take any more fabric between them. He
sits up and frees Harry's cock from its prison, Louis sees that he's already losing precome and can't
help catching it with his tongue immediately. It's the first time Louis gets his mouth close to
Harry's cock and tastes it. Louis finds the taste weird and yet he can't get enough of it. Harry's hips
stretch out against him, wanting more, and Louis obliges Harry's unspoken wish. Once again,
without knowing what he's doing, he takes Harry's cock all the way in his mouth, feeling the
weight on his tongue and feeling so full with Harry's length. He enjoys it and slowly starts sliding
his mouth over Harry's cock. Harry groans softly, though the distant music drowns out his every
tone. Harry moves his hips slightly with each up and down of Louis' mouth, who is gently
kneading his balls with one hand. Harry's abdominal muscles are already contracting dangerously,
Louis now knows that this is a sign that Harry is about to come. He quickly lets go of him only to
crawl up to his mouth and kiss him for a long time. They both make needy sounds, their cocks
rubbing together and Louis wants more more more .

"Lou...can we?" Harry asks, his breathing fast and his eyes begging.

"What baby? What do you want?” Louis asks while continuing to press his cock against Harry's
and moving his hips slightly.

"Can we... do it all?" Harry stammers

"Oh god yes... when you're really ready?" Louis asks uncertainty and more than aroused.

"Yes, I want everything with you," Harry says and pulls him back down, sucking on his bottom lip
and Louis is about to lose it.

"Okay… wait a minute" Louis quickly gets off the bed and runs to the door, every second too
much without Harry underneath him, only to go to his backpack and get out the lube and condom.
Jay had put it on his desk for him the other day without further comment when he was doing his
homework and then left right afterwards his room. Louis stared after her in astonishment, but he's
carried it with him to every date with Harry ever since, in case they need it. Which is now paying
off.

Louis quickly gets back in bed with Harry and shows him both things and Harry looking at him a
little nervously now too. Louis is no different. This is a big step in their relationship.

Louis clears his throat, doesn't know how to ask what's bothering him but what needs to be
clarified.

"Harry... I... oh god, what's the best way to ask you that?" Louis rambles jittery. Harry strokes his
arms soothingly and then Louis just decides to get it over with quickly.

"Do you want me to fuck you or do you want it the other way around?"

And yeah, that definitely wasn't the most romantic way of asking, but give him a break. He's about
to have his first time, is nervous and Harry’s lying naked next to him. Harry, on the other hand, is
sure of himself and answers without hesitation

"I want to bottom. If it's okay with you?” he asks to make sure.

"Yeah... yeah, oh god, we're really doing it, aren't we?" asks Louis, now faltering. Harry gives him
an affectionate nod and nudges his head into Louis' arm, both sinking into slow, tender kisses
again.

Eventually, Louis' hand begins to travel back down Harry's cock to his hole. Louis strokes it
uncertainly, familiarizing himself with the feeling under his fingertips. Harry groans and breathes
"more". Louis has studied enough gay magazines to know that he needs to prepare Harry's hole.
Despite everything, reading is no comparison to having to do it in real life. He has Harry in one
arm and with only one hand free, he has a hard time opening the lube so he asks Harry to do
enough on his fingertips.

As he puts his damp finger on Harry's entrance, he takes another deep breath, he's on high tension.
Harry, on the other hand, lies quietly with his eyes closed, he seems to have complete faith in Louis
and that's what gives him the courage to insert his finger with a light pressure. Harry grimaces and
Louis stops immediately.

"Baby, did I hurt you?"

"No…Yes? It... it feels weird. But good too.” Harry tries to put the feeling into words.

"Shall I stop?" Louis asks softly

"No Please not. Go on. But slowly. I'll get used to it soon."

Louis nods and slowly begins to move his finger. He kisses Harry just as slowly, slipping his
tongue into his mouth. Hopes it distracts Harry from the penetration.

Harry visibly relaxes after a while, and that calms Louis immensely. His finger now slides in and
out more easily and he asks if he can add a second one. Harry nods and looks at him with hazy
eyes. Louis pushes his second finger in and pauses for a moment, allowing Harry to get used to it.
As he nods and silently gives him the okay, he begins to move them.

Harry searches for Louis' lips, pressing even closer to him and of course he’s not denying him a
single kiss. After a while, Louis begins to spread his fingers, making room for himself, and Harry
groans loudly. Soft ah's escape his full pink lips and Louis watches his face crumple in bliss and
then lets his gaze wander to Harry's lower body. His cock is long and hard on his stomach, his legs
are spread to give Louis more freedom of movement.

"Lou... ahhh... I'm ready, fuck me," Harry breathes, and Louis shivers under his words. He can't
find the words himself, just nods. He pulls his fingers out of Harry and opens the condom with
trembling hands. He pulls it over his cock, which is more than ready to dip into Harry and lubes
himself up. He gently lowers Harry's head onto the pillow and rolls onto him. Both look at each
other for a long time, absorbing this moment. Louis guides his cock to Harry's hole with his hand,
sets it down, and looks for the courage to insert it. What if he hurts Harry? Louis worries. Harry,
who can always feel when Louis' thoughts are racing, presses his hand lightly on his ass, an
invitation to begin. One last long breath and Louis slowly begins to push his cock in. Both catch
their breath. Louis pushes in a little further and says to Harry "Relax baby" and gives him a quick
kiss.

Harry takes a few deep breaths in and out and Louis feels his hole relax. When he's completely
inside him, he waits again for a moment. Kissing every inch of Harry's face and can't believe he's
inside him. This is the most beautiful thing two lovers can share, thinks Louis and doesn't know
what to do with all his feelings and sensation.

After a little while, Louis slowly begins to move inside Harry and he's so tight, Louis' cock is about
to burst. Both moan softly, the kisses are messy and Louis is so thankful that he can share this
experience with Harry. His heart is so full of love for this boy and in passion it escapes him without
being able to do anything about it

"I love you Harry," he says in a tempestuous voice. Harry sobs and looks at him with eyes filled
with emotion. He strokes Louis' cheek, looks at him like he’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

"I love you too," then a small tear slips from Harry's eyes down his cheek.

"Why are you crying my love?" Louis asks worriedly, his hips stilling. Harry crosses his legs
behind Louis as if to stop him from leaving.

"I'm so happy. So, so happy Lou” he says and Louis kisses away his tears, tastes the salt on his
tongue. He starts moving his cock inside Harry again, looking for friction. Slow movements turn
into faster ones, but no less loving. The two make love, putting their feelings into each of their
movements. Harry's hands are touching every inch of Louis they can reach, but his favorite spot
seems to be Louis' ass, which Harry keeps giving extra love to or pinching tenderly. Louis' cock
now glides in and out with ease, alternating between long and short thrusts here and there. As he
begins to nibble on Harry's earlobe, his moans get louder and he starts muttering "Lou...ahh...Lou"
to himself like a mantra. Harry is about to come. Louis grabs his cock between them and starts
jerking it off in sync with his thrusts. Harry's face crumples in delight and he squirts his cum
between them. Meanwhile, Harry's hole tightens and after two more thrusts, Louis also comes long
and hard into the condom. He lets go of Harry's cock and gently pulls himself out. Louis quickly
puts off the condom, ties it in a knot and carelessly throws it on the floor. He'll take care of that
tomorrow, for now Harry is more important. Since they don't have any towels, he quickly grabs his
shirt, wipes his hand on it, then sits on the bed and rubs Harry's stomach. He then gently wipes
Harry's hole to clean him from the remaining lube. Harry, still breathing fast, flinches a little,
everything is sensitive.

Louis tosses his shirt behind him and then turns Harry over to hug him from behind. He loves to be
the big spoon, his boyfriend tight and secure in his arms. He kisses down Harry's neck to his
shoulder blade. Harry searches for Louis' hand and he locks their fingers. Both lie in complete
silence, only Prince's ‘Purple Rain‘ can be heard as soft background music from downstairs. It’s
wonderful. Louis' heart is so full of Harry, there's no room left. He has completely lost himself in
him.

He leans forward a little to whisper an "I love you" in Harry's ear. Harry mumbles it back under his
breath and they both fall asleep together shortly after.

This night will remain unforgettable for both of them.

 Chapter 7

VII

A few months have passed since their first time. Harry's 17th birthday is approaching and Louis is
feverishly thinking about a present. Nothing seems to be good enough because Louis loves gifting
things with meaning. And that's why it's so difficult, because it must be something very special for
Harry. It's supposed to be something that, at best, always reminds Harry of Louis. Louis runs both
hands over his face and decides to postpone the considerations until later. Harry is about to come
and pick him up, they want to stroll around town and while away the afternoon. Louis looks out the
window and sees that Harry has already turned onto their street. His hands deep in his jacket pocket
to protect himself from the cold January wind and headphones on, his beloved Walkman always
with him on the go. Louis belly does somersaults, he can't wait to finally have his boyfriend all to
himself.

At school they always keep an appropriate distance so that no one could think they’re more than
good friends, but the secret dates in the boys' toilet have become their ritual and made room for the
meetings in the yard. Louis quickly checks his outfit again in the mirror, light-colored, washed-out
jeans fall loosely around his legs and he is wearing a thick knitted winter jumper by Jay that nestles
softly against him. It's okay, nothing special but Harry loves him nonetheless in everything he
wears. Preferably naked, of course, Louis thinks smiling.

When he hears the bell, he quickly runs downstairs and brushes against Jay who was already on her
way to the front door. He literally slides past her just to be the first to get to the front door and Jay
calls out an indignant "Louis William Tomlinson'' at him. But Louis doesn't care, he opens the door
in one go and quickly pulls Harry into him in a hasty move. Harry doesn't quite know what's
happening to him and a small gasp of surprise escapes his mouth.

Jay observes everything with an amused look and says "God Louis, don't be so boisterous. You're
acting as if you didn't just see each other at school this morning.” Louis doesn't look at her but
throws her a shooing hand. Only to then pull Harry close and bury his nose in his curls. Harry
throws his arms and neck up and leans back slightly so that Louis has to look at him.

"Did you miss me?" he asks smiling.

"So much. Come on, give me a kiss,” Louis says demandingly and Harry, still with the headphones
on his ears, kisses him smackingly.

Jay, who briefly disappeared into the living room, returns, smiling and brandishing a camera in her
hands.

"We don't have a photo of you two, come on...get together"

Harry and Louis stand close to themselves, their hands clasped at their sides and each with a big
grin on their face. Jay makes sure they're both fully up and pulls the button to make the photo. Both
are briefly blinded by the bright flash and start giggling while rubbing their eyes.

"Shall we go?" asks Louis and Harry nods in agreement. Louis hopes that he will come up with an
idea for his gift while strolling with Harry and has decided to observe him closely and see what
things his eyes linger on.
Both shout a loud goodbye to Jay, who had gone away with her camera, and they can only hear her
from another room yelling "Take care lovebirds".

They both chuckle, exchange a quick kiss and make their way to downtown Manchester. As they
walk side by side, Louis asks

"What did you actually hear as you came by?" and points to his walkman, which is now in his
jacket pocket along with the headphones

"Careless Whisper... what else? I love it so much. God, his voice is sooooo good” Harry starts
raving again.

"That you can still hear it, you've been consuming it like a drug for days" laughs Louis and shakes
his head fondly.

"What can I say? It's my favorite song of his so far" smiles Harry.

When they arrive in the city, they first go to a large department store with the latest clothes. Both
of them don't have much money as students, only the pocket money they get from their mothers
and so both just stroll through the stands and go out into the street without buying anything.

Both continue to walk past shop windows until suddenly Harry stops abruptly. Louis turns to him
and looks surprised what has cast a spell over Harry. It's a tattoo parlor. He stands next to Harry,
who is curiously looking at the drawings in the shop window.

"Lou, look...that looks great" and points to a drawing of a ship. Louis steps closer to get a better
look and nods.

"It looks amazing...but somehow I can't imagine ever having a tattoo," he says

"Really? I want one as soon as I turn 18,” Harry replies just to focus his gaze back on the drawings.
Louis didn't know that yet and always loves to learn new things about Harry.

"Mhm... a tattoo in contrast to your delicate light skin would definitely look good, babe," says
Louis, looking around briefly to see if anyone is nearby and stroking his bum in one quick
movement. Harry chuckles but gives him a warning look.

"I have so many motives in my head, I don't even know what I'm going to start with when the time
comes," Harry murmurs thoughtfully.

"What would be the first tattoo that comes to your mind at the moment?" Louis asks with interest.
Harry puts his finger to his lip and thinks. Small wrinkles appear on his forehead and Louis would
like to kiss them right there and away. Then Harry suddenly looks at him beaming

"Never gonna dance again... I love this line of lyrics"

"Harry, seriously? It's slowly becoming an obsession with you and the song," laughs Louis. But
Harry looks at him seriously and says

"You wanted to know and I answered honestly. Stop making fun of it” and gently nudges him with
his shoulder. Louis doesn't care if anyone sees, he quickly takes Harry's hand and apologizes to
him. Both can never be mad at each other for long and so the incident is quickly forgotten.

They both move on afterwards and decide to grab a bite to eat at Harper's, a nice restaurant that
offers the best tapas in the area.
It's already dark when they head home at 6pm and it starts to snow softly. Harry stops and stares at
the sky, mesmerized, like it's the first snow he's ever seen in his life. Louis, in turn, watches Harry,
who looks like a little boy at this moment.

"I love you so much," he tells him, overwhelmed by the quiet atmosphere and his beautiful boy. A
few snowflakes have already settled in Harry's curls and Louis gently strokes them.

Harry, who is now looking at Louis, smiles softly at him "I love you too, my Lou". Harry takes a
quick look around, pulls him closer to a wall in the quiet side street and surprises Louis with a
passionate kiss. This is their first public kiss and Louis can't believe his luck. He grabs Harry by
the waist and pulls him close while Harry places his hands on his favorite spot - Louis' ass. Both
are exploring each other's mouths with their tongues. The snow falls softly on both of them and this
is one of the most romantic things they have experienced together. But at some point it gets too
cold standing still and both make their way to Harry's house. Once there, he steals a quick kiss
from him and sets off to cover the last few meters to his home.

In the evening, when he is already in bed, the idea for Harry's present comes to him out of
nowhere. He gives Harry a tattoo. He can choose the motive and Louis will pay for it. Louis just
has to come up with an excuse to kidnap Harry in front of Anne on the morning of his birthday. It
must be a surprise for Harry and Anne must not find out what he intends to do with her boy. Thank
God Harry has a fake ID, otherwise it would be very difficult to implement. Louis quickly thinks
about how much he has saved from his pocket money and does a quick estimate. It should be
enough for a not too big tattoo.

The next day, while Jay is out shopping for groceries, he rushes to the phone, looks up the number
of the tattoo parlor in the phone book, and makes an appointment for the morning of Harry's
birthday. Actually, there was no appointment available at such short notice, but Louis explains his
plan to the owner in a broken voice and he seems to have compassion. He promises to reschedule
the other client's appointment and make room for Louis and Harry. Louis breathes a sigh of relief
as he hangs up the phone. Now Harry's birthday can come.

He’s at Styles' house the day before Harry's birthday and when they have dinner with Anne, Louis
asks

“Anne… may I kidnap Harry in the morning? I would like to take him out for breakfast"

Louis hopes his face doesn't show his lie.

"Yeah, that's fine as long as you bring him back here by the afternoon when the family comes for
coffee and cake," Anne agrees without hesitation. She knows after all these months that she can
trust Louis and that he always takes good care of her baby.

"Of course" Louis smiles at her

"I don't mind and I'm looking forward to it, but couldn't you have asked me first?" interjects Harry,
who has held back until then. Louis takes his hand across the table and apologizes. Harry just
smiles at him and they exchange a quick kiss. Anne, meanwhile, acts as if she hadn't seen any of
this.

After dinner, they both disappear into Harry's room. Without detours, they just disappear into
Harry's bed in shirt and underpants and snuggle up close to each other. Slow kisses turn to hungry
ones, hands wander and they both say goodbye hours later with red cheeks and swollen lips.

The next morning, Louis excitedly makes his way to Harry. He also made him a tape himself with
songs that remind him of Harry or he knows he likes. He lovingly wrapped it up with all his effort,
although it actually looks as if a kindergarten child had tampered with it. When he gets to him he
rings the bell often and quick, he can't wait to see Harry's surprised face. Still in her pajamas, Anne
opens the door and isn’t able to suppress a scolding look.

"Louis, as much as I like you...but do you have to ring the bell that often early in the morning?"

"Sorry Anne...that was in the heat of the moment," grins Louis, looking down and making tracks
with his toes.

"Come in, Harry's still upstairs"

Louis nods and enters, reluctantly walking past Anne only to run quickly up the stairs. He only
hears Anne sigh behind him.

The door to Harry's room is locked and he knocks three times before quickly entering. Harry is
getting dressed and is standing shirtless in front of his closet.

"Hello, my half-naked birthday boy," Louis chirps and goes straight to him and pulls him towards
him. Harry snuggles right up to him as usual and Louis gives him a small kiss on his shoulder
blade.

"Happy Birthday love of my life" says Louis with a tender smile and kisses Harry, his tongue
quickly finding its way into Harry's mouth. Harry eventually breaks away and wants to get dressed
again, but Louis stops him and gives him part of his present. He carefully unpacks it and grins
broadly.

"Did you record it yourself?“

"Yes, listen to them in peace and think of me" smiles Louis.

Harry leans in to kiss Louis and breathes a soft "Thank you" into the kiss.

Louis glances at his watch and sees that they must be going in a moment and doesn't distract Harry
with more kisses.

They both go downstairs, say a quick goodbye to Anne, who is still sitting in her pyjamas, having a
coffee, and then walk towards the city centre.

Louis made an extra big sandwich for Harry and packed a bottle of water before he left, since they
won't be having breakfast. He informed himself that you shouldn't be sober when tattooing.

Harry hums songs by George Michael all the way again and Louis enjoys listening to him, he loves
Harry's voice. When the tattoo parlor comes into view, Louis gets jittery. He hopes so much that he
likes his idea. Shortly before the entrance he stops Harry by grabbing his wrist.

"Whoa, what's Lou?" Harry asks, startled.

"We won't have breakfast," says Louis

"Okay?" and wonder spreads across Harry's face.

"My gift for you is a tattoo" he points to the studio "You can choose a motive and I'll take care of
everything else"

Harry's jaw drops, his eyes widen, and he throws himself into Louis' arms as realization sets in.
Louis laughs and rubs his back with both hands.

"But Lou... I'm not 18... and what should I tell Mum? She's going to kill me"

"Have you got your fake ID with you?" asks Louis and Harry nods in agreement.

"Well, then you just have to choose a good spot for your tattoo so that Anne doesn't see it," Louis
winks.

"Wow... my boyfriend is a bit of a mischief." Harry grins

"Life would be boring otherwise, don't you think?" asks Louis.

They both grin at each other and Louis pulls Harry towards the studio. Inside, they are greeted by
the tattoo artist, who introduces himself as Charlie and insists they call him that. It's a relaxed
atmosphere.

"Who's getting a tattoo today?" Charlie asks curiously, blowing out the smoke on his cigarette.

Harry points to himself shyly. Charlie looks at him for a moment and asks for the ID, Louis holds
his breath but Charlie gives it back with a nod. He stubs out his cigarette and wants to know what
Harry's motive should be. Harry, although he had no idea of the date and preparation time, knows
exactly what he wants.

"I want a lettering. 'Never gonna dance again'...uhm... and it's supposed to be split between my
ankles"

Louis, who has been holding back the whole time, whispers quietly if he's sure and Harry assures
him that he really wants that line of his favorite song tattooed.

Charlie asks them both to sit down on the big leather sofa again while he prepares everything.
When they are both seated next to each other, he gives Harry the sandwich and the bottle and asks
him to eat.

"You've really thought of everything, haven't you Lou?" Harry asks in wonder, looking at him so
sweetly.

"Everything for you my darling" whispers Louis and dares a quick kiss on his cheek because
Charlie is in another room anyway. Harry blushes and starts eating.

When Harry has eaten the sandwich and is just taking a last sip from the bottle, Charlie calls that
they can start.

"Come with me Lou, stay with me," Harry pleads, and Louis follows him. He knows that new
situations or conversations with strangers always make Harry very shy.

"Sit here on the lounger and take off your socks and your pant legs up please," Charlie tells Harry.
Harry complies with the tattooist's request and Louis sits in a chair at the head of the lounger.

After the tattoo is mapped out on his ankles and he has made sure Harry is ready, he applies the
machine to Harry's skin. Louis looks at everything with eagle eyes and is tense himself even though
he's not the one to get a tattoo.

Harry initially grimaces in pain and Louis grabs his hand without thinking. Charlie looks up and
frowns. He gives them both a long thoughtful look and finally asks

"Are you two a couple?" and goes back to his work.

Harry freezes beside him and quickly pulls out of Louis' grip.

"No, just best friends," Harry murmurs, his cheeks flushing, he doesn't even look at Louis

Louis stares at him and has to swallow. He quickly looks down too and hopefully keeps his tears
from trying to find their way out of his eye. I know Harry isn't ready, but that hurts. Fuck!, it sadly
runs through Louis' mind. He would give anything to not have to hide anymore.

Charlie just nods in response and silently finishes his work. Harry gets up from the couch and
looks at his first tattoo with a big grin.

"It's looking good Haz," Louis says quietly, still sad about the situation from earlier. Harry catches
his mood and his expression goes emotionless.

After Charlie has explained everything about care, Louis pays and they both go out into the street.
They make their way to Harry's house in silence. As they pass through a small park, Harry pulls
him behind a thick oak tree. He takes his hand and looks at him with tears in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry my Lou. I know I hurt you earlier when I told Charlie we’re just best friends."

Louis can only nod, he is close to tears himself. But he also doesn't want a fight on Harry's
birthday.

"Please forgive me. I wish I could be braver sometimes but I… I'm scared.” Harry is crying all over
the place now and Louis can't take it. He pulls Harry to him and buries his face in his shoulder. For
the first time since their relationship, Louis needs to feel held and protected. He lets his tears flow
too and Harry pulls him tighter.

"Lou… please calm down. I'm so sorry,” Harry pleads, kissing Louis' hair, the only thing he can
reach in their embrace. Louis takes a deep breath and breaks out of the hug. He quickly wipes away
his tears with his jacket sleeve and sighs.

"It's okay Haz. I understand your fears, but it's also hard for me."

"I know," Harry says guiltily. Harry leans forward and gives Louis a long, tender kiss.

"I love you. Thanks for the tattoo,” says Harry and Louis replies

"You too. Happy Birthday" Louis tries to smile over his sadness.

Louis spends the afternoon with Harry's family and even Jay has been invited. It's a nice little
celebration and lots of laughs. Louis, of course, is introduced as the best friend to the rest of Harry's
family, which is particularly bitter for him after the tearful incident earlier.

The evening after the party, when all the relatives are gone and only Jay is sitting in the kitchen
with Anne over a glass of wine, Harry and Louis are snuggled together on the sofa and watch a
film. Both tired from the day's events, the two doze off, Harry half-lying on top of Louis and their
legs entwined.

When Anne finds them both like this, she quickly waves to Jay and they both look at their sons.
Anne slowly walks towards the two of them and gently shakes Harry's arm so that he wakes up.
Harry's trouser leg has slipped up a bit while cuddling and the foil over the tattoo is sticking out of
his sock. Louis and Harry, who both still look sleepy, don't see Anne's look at first, but when she
asks what Harry's foil on his ankle means, every color disappears from their faces. Jay watches all
of this, leaning against the door frame.

"Mum it's nothing," Harry says quickly, pulling down his pant leg. But Anne doesn't have none of
it.

"Don't lie to me Harry. You tell me immediately why there is a foil under your sock” demands
Anne in a hard voice. Harry guiltily pulls the sock down to reveal part of his tattoo. Anne takes a
sharp breath and hisses

„Harry Edward Styles“

Louis looks to his mother for help, but she just shakes her head. They have to go through that
alone.

"How do you get a tattoo when you're underage? And what does it say there anyway?” she yells
and takes his foot in her hand to see what is written there.

"Never gonna? What is that supposed to mean? Are you out of your mind?” Anne continues to yell.
Harry winces at every word and Louis doesn't know where to put his eyes.

"That wasn't all...it...there's more to come," Harry admits quietly as he pulls off the second sock.
Anne is about to lose herself, she snorts and her face is red with anger.

"Anne, it's all my fault. I gave it to Harry for his birthday,” Louis intervenes quickly, wanting to
protect his boyfriend from further trouble. This time, before Anne can react, it's Jay who starts
screaming

"You did WHAT? Louis William Tomlinson, I can't believe you did something like this. I'm
disappointed in you!"

"Sorry Mum but it was a big wish of his and-" Louis tries to explain but Jay interrupts him

"Harry's underage and you...you guys can't both handle Anne like that." Jay turns away and angrily
walks out of the living room to calm down.

Both sit there head hung in misery, no one dares to look at Anne anymore and Louis only strokes
Harry's back soothingly.

Anne begins to speak in an eerily emotionless voice

"You're grounded for a week young man. And I don't want to see Louis here for a week either. You
come home right after school and go to your room. Everyday. Say goodbye to Louis now. Your
punishment begins now, I don't want to see you down here today anymore."

Both gasp, but know that no discussion with Anne about the punishment makes sense and will
probably make it worse. Both nod and rise to their fate. Anne watches them with crossed arms and
a sour expression as they hug each other and give a long kiss. They both don't want to part from
each other, but at some point Jay silently takes Louis' upper arm and leads him outside.

Jay doesn't speak to Louis anymore that evening and lets him feel what they've done. Louis retreats
quietly to his room. He cries himself to sleep, everything was too much for him today. At least he
can still see Harry at school, that's his only consolation.
 Chapter 8

VIII

It's been only two days into Harry's house arrest and it's already too much for Louis. Just a few
short kisses in the boys' toilet is not enough for him. He misses Harry terribly. Anne is so mad that
she even brushes him off on the phone and he can't even talk to Harry there. Louis sits at his desk
at home, his head resting on his arms, and dark thoughts take hold of him. If he can hardly bear to
be without Harry for just a few days now, how's it going to be when he goes to study in London in
the summer after graduating?

Louis just got the letter of acceptance from the university today, and even though he's so happy
about it, he can't fully enjoy it. Just the thought of having to leave Harry here and not seeing him
every day leaves him in despair. He can't stop himself and begins to cry softly. The sobs make his
body twitch and he gets so worked up that he thinks he'll never be able to stop. He loves Harry too
much, still 100% sure he's the love of his life. Every time he’s about to calm down, a new wave of
sadness washes over him until Jay enters his room and wordlessly pulls him to her chest. In his
mother's arms he only feels smaller and more helpless and he sobs loudly. Jay leads him to his bed
where they sit next to each other and she rubs his arm up and down comfortingly. Louis buries his
face in her shoulder, his heart is so heavy.

"Want to talk about it, Boo?" she asks softly. Louis can't even answer anymore, the feelings are
choking his throat. Just the great love for Harry himself, then the longing for him and five more
days to endure and of course the fear of the future.

"Is it because you can't see Harry this week? Although I have to mention again it was a very stupid
action on your part..." says Jay, but meanwhile no longer angry with him. She used to do crazy
things herself when she was young, her most beautiful dilemma is sitting crying in her arms next to
her.

"It's all mum...everything" sniffs Louis.

"Tell me, what's all Louis? Maybe I can give you some motherly advice,” Jay asks, stroking his
arms soothingly over and over again and slowly it has an effect and Louis manages to utter whole
sentences again. He tells her everything that's on his mind. Jay nods silently at his worries and
thoughts.

"...and of course I will also move to a foreign city, all alone. You’re my best friend mum. How am
I supposed to endure it without you?” and new tears gather in his eyes.

"That's what happens when you grow up. But you will make new friends at the university and your
old mother will soon be forgotten,” she says jokingly.

"Never" is the only answer Louis whispers.

"I really believe in you and Harry. Your love for him is so strong, and yes...it's definitely going to
be tough, but eventually you find a rhythm and ways to see each other. And every date will be
special. See it as a chance for your relationship to grow."

"Do you really think so? I'm so scared that I might lose him because of this. Mum…I love him so
much.” Louis says softly.
"I'm sure he loves you just as much. Try to be positive about the future,” says Jay while lovingly
tossing his hair.

"I’ll try... thank you for always being there for me," Louis whispers and snuggles a little tighter in
the motherly embrace. Shortly thereafter, she leaves the room and Louis, tired from all that crying,
falls asleep on his bed.

The next morning, when Louis and Harry meet during the break, he tells him about his acceptance
at the university. Harry gives Louis a quick hug, so it would still pass as a best friend touch, and
says with a grin

"I'm so proud of you my Lou. Congratulations"

Louis just shrugs, his mouth twisting into a sad expression.

"I'm not that excited to be honest," he admits

"What? Why not Lou? That's exactly what you wanted,” Harry asks, not understanding.

"We won't see each other regularly anymore. Probably only on weekends, if at all. I'll have to work
alongside my studies," explains Louis, hoping that his feelings won't get the better of him again.

"It's not that tragic. As long as we still see each other from time to time, we'll manage it,” Harry
says and doesn't seem to understand Louis' concerns.

Suddenly Harry's gaze wanders, he seems to see someone behind Louis's back whom he waves to
with a grin. Louis turns, startled, to see a girl with long blond hair and a big smile waving back.

"Who’s that?" asks Louis

"Oh, this is Amy, she's new to our choir and we get along well. She's super funny, you would
definitely like her. I'll introduce you to her soon," says Harry excitedly and Louis just nods.

"Okay...nice that you make new friends" he tries to cover up his confusion. Harry never found new
friends that easily. Far too shy to even start a conversation with new people. But he tries not to
think too much about it. He already has enough to bother about all the other things.

Shortly before the break ends, both of them go again at short intervals, so that no one notices, to
the boys' toilet to exchange a few caresses, only to then go back to their classes separately.

Louis spends the next few afternoons lying on his bed, almost depressed. He broods and broods
and nothing gets him anywhere, but he can't stop either. Jay couldn't take the condition of her son
on day 6 of Harry’s house arrest and Louis overheard her calling and talking to Anne. Shortly
thereafter she called him and explained to him that he could visit Harry today. However, Anne
demands that both of them stay only on the lower floor and only for two hours. Louis takes
everything he can get and happily throws his arms around Jay's neck.

"You are the best mum in the world" he calls and gives her a smack on the cheek. Jay just laughs
and pats his cheek.

Louis quickly goes into the bathroom to freshen up, takes on his jacket and shoes and then
immediately makes his way to Harry.

When he arrives, he only rings once this time and waits patiently until Anne opens the front door
for him.

"Louis, come in," Anne nods, but this time without a friendly smile.

"Hello Anne, thanks for letting me come," he says quietly, and walks in with a guilty look on his
face.

"Harry is in the kitchen, you can go to him"

And Louis doesn't need to be told that twice. He quickly enters the kitchen to find Harry in an
apron standing in front of a large bowl.

"Hey baby" he calls and quickly rushes to pull Harry into his arms.

Harry hugs him and gives him a long kiss

"I missed you Lou," he breathes, and Louis kisses him a little harder in response.

"What are you doing there? The apron suits you, by the way,” Louis grins and gives Harry's butt a
little slap, which makes him giggle.

"I thought I'd make us waffles, I just finished the batter," says Harry proudly and searches for the
waffle iron in the cupboard. As Harry bends over, Louis can't help but glance at his bum. Too bad
we aren't allowed upstairs in Harry's room, Louis thinks disappointed.

"Lou, can you put on a vinyl?" and points to the record player on the kitchen table, a couple of
albums are in a pile next to it. Louis nods and sits at the table to see what he wants to turn on while
Harry gets on with his work. He chooses 'Foreigner'. As the first song begins, he rests his arm on
the table and watches in fascination at Harry busying himself in the kitchen, looking so cute in
Anne's pink apron. It's so domestic and Louis can't wait to see Harry bake in their own house and
kitchen in the future. Harry sways his hips slightly to the song while scooping batter into the waffle
maker. Louis turns the music up a bit and goes back to Harry. He grabs his hips from behind and
mimics Harry's movements and they both start giggling softly. Louis presses his nose into Harry's
curls from behind and inhales his favourite scent.

As the next song 'I Want to Know What Love Is' begins to play, Louis turns Harry around in his
arms and hugs him tightly again.

"Dance with me baby" he whispers to Harry and kisses the tip of his nose. Harry smiles at him and
wraps his arms around Louis' neck. They exchange deep looks and dance slowly.

Louis begins to sing along with the song after a short time, each word addressed to Harry who
looks at him lovingly.

I wanna know what love is

I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

Gotta take a little time

Little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
Looks like love has finally found me

Harry leans forward and starts kissing Louis lovingly. His heart finally feels whole, the worries and
fears of the last few days are forgotten. They kiss in the kitchen like it's a dancefloor. Harry
sometimes steps on Louis' feet and Louis almost makes them both fall once but for Louis, this
moment is perfect and he knows he will remember it for years to come. When the smell of charred
waffles slowly begins, both look up in shock. Harry quickly runs to the waffle iron and pulls out
the blackened waffle. He holds her up and they both start laughing out loud.

A week later, Louis is sitting on their bench in the school courtyard, impatiently waiting for Harry.
It's been ten minutes of the break and he's still not here. Unusual, where is he?, Louis wonders
while glancing around at the other students. "Hey Tommo, where did you leave your better half?" it
sounds next to him and it's Niall who lets himself fall onto the bench next to him.

"If I only knew?" Louis replies, frowning.

"I'm sure he'll show up in a minute… like he's going to miss the break with you," Niall grins, biting
into the sandwich he just pulled out of his backpack. Louis sighs and keeps looking. Shortly
thereafter, he can spot Harry's curls above the heads of the others. When he stands up to wave him,
he immediately lowers his hand again. Harry is laughing out loud right now, with the blonde girl
from last time at his side.

"Niall, do you know that blonde girl over there with Harry? Ally or something like that?”

Niall, deep in his sandwich, looks up and asks

"You mean Amy? Yes Harry and they get along well. He even leaves me in the choir alone to talk
with her,” laughs Niall. Louis doesn't know what's funny about it, but he continues to watch the
interaction with Harry and Amy. Harry gestures in the direction of Niall and Louis, pulls Amy into
a quick hug and makes his way to both of them. Louis crosses his arms and observes each step until
he stands in front of him.

"Where have you been?" he asks Harry accusingly.

"I chatted up with Amy," Harry says with an apologetic smile.

"And forget your boyfriend about it," adds Louis, offended. Niall's gaze darts from both of them,
watching them curiously.

"God Louis, don't be so dramatic," Harry rolls his eyes and sinks onto the bench next to Niall.
Louis snorts and stands in front of Harry.

"I'm not being dramatic, but I thought you would care about our breaks together!" says Louis

"They are important to me too. But I also care about Amy. Should I just leave her in the middle of a
sentence?” Harry snaps

"Amy didn't even exist in your life until recently," argues Louis.

"But that doesn't make her any less important to me. Jesus, Louis, can't you just be happy for me
that I found a new friend?"

"I would be even happier if you didn't waste the short time we can spend together at school with
other people"

"And I would be happy if my boyfriend wasn't such an asshole"

Both are now yelling at each other and Niall tries to mediate,

"Woah, guys, calm down! Maybe you should continue the discussion at home, so that the others
here don't notice that you are proper boyfriends."

Both heads snap to Niall and glare at him. Niall puts his hands up as if to say it's not his fault.

"I'll leave you alone... if you keep arguing, you shouldn't yell like that anymore, people are already
looking!" he says and quickly packs his backpack to escape the explosive atmosphere.

They both look at Niall, breathing fast, both heated up with their emotions.

"I honestly don't feel like seeing you this afternoon," Harry finally says, his face fixed.

"Wow, thanks Harry. So mature” says Louis, annoyed and rolls his eyes.

"The only one acting childish is you! Are you jealous of Amy?"

“This Amy comes out of nowhere and you forget the time with her. You don't want a public
relationship but at least I could always take you to the boys' bathroom"

"This Amy ," Harry emphasizes, "is my friend. I like her. And if you don’t accept that, you can fuck
off, Louis."

Louis looks at him with his mouth open and cannot believe what is happening here.

"Fuck you Harry" he gives Harry the middle finger and walks away in a rage.

Harry looks after him for a long time, his whole body shaking with anger. Eventually he turns
around and goes to his next lesson.

Two days pass in which both ignore each other. At school as well as in the afternoon. It's their first
real argument and both of them are feeling stressed. On the third day, Niall joins Louis at break.

"Hey... how are you?" he asks Louis.

"Not so good. Honestly, this fight with Harry is killing me. I miss him terribly,” admits Louis.
Niall just nods and stays silent. He pats Louis on the shoulder.

"I'm sure you'll be able to sort it out. Here… I shall give this to you” says Niall and hands him a
letter. It's clearly Harry's writing.

"Thanks Nialler" Louis smiles and Niall waves goodbye, back on the way to his other friends.

Louis sighs and opens the letter.

Hey Louis,

I can't stand this radio silence between us anymore. Please come visit me this afternoon and we'll
talk about everything.
 I love you

Harry xx

The letter makes Louis hope that both will get along again. He gently strokes the I love you with
his index finger and his heart feels a little lighter.

In the afternoon outside Harry's door he nervously waits to be let in and this time it's Harry himself
who opens it for him.

"Hi Lou" says Harry as he opens the door with a serious look and Louis silently enters. He waves to
Anne, who is on the phone, and they both make their way upstairs to Harry's room.

Harry sits down on his bed and Louis sits further away in the desk chair. The distance from each
other feels so wrong , Louis thinks. Neither of them knows where to start and so they both keep
silent. There was never such a gulf between the two, but Louis can't take the tension anymore and
he asks how Harry is, just to say something.

"Okay?...no, actually I feel like shit" Harry sighs

"Me too," whispers Louis. They both look at each other and lower their eyes again.

"I don't want to argue with you anymore Lou...but you totally overreacted“

"I don’t think so. Harry, since we've been together I've put my needs back, I accept your wish that
we're in the closet but our meetings in the toilet and in the yard are sacred to me.” Louis tries to
explain.

"You can't blame me for that. I was honest with you from the start and you knew what you were
getting yourself into! And I was late once. Just once!" Harry argues only to ask further. "Does that
mean I'm not allowed to make new friends anymore? Will it always end in a fight?”

"You're right…I really shouldn't blame you. I'm sorry for that. But the thing with Amy...I don't
even know her"

"I'll introduce her to you tomorrow and maybe you'll finally relax then," Harry rolls his eyes.

"Stop rolling your eyes at me! Don't you understand how much I love you Harry? I would love to
spend every minute with you!” Louis replies louder, noticing how anger spills over him again

"I understand very well Louis, you're jealous, that's all," Harry snaps.

"And what if it is?" asks Louis sourly.

"Then you're the biggest idiot under the sun," says Harry, staring wildly, jumping up and lunging at
Louis. He takes his face in his hands and gives him a hard kiss.

"I love you Louis, you don't need to be jealous," Harry says just to kiss him straight away again.
Louis pulls Harry to him and both release the pent-up emotions of the last days. Louis buries his
hands in Harry's hair, gripping it hard, only spurring Harry to grab Louis' ass cheeks with both
hands. It's a wild kiss, passionate and ends up in bed for both of them.

Afterwards they promise each other to never be mad at each other again for so long and to clarify it
directly. Also, Harry will keep his word and introduce him to Amy tomorrow.

Both affirm more than once that they love each other before Louis heads back home.
 Chapter 9

IX

The next morning at the break, Harry keeps his promise and has Amy with him when he comes to
their place. Louis tries his best to put a friendly smile on his face. Not only is it difficult for him to
approach the matter without prejudice, but also the fact that he doesn't have Harry all to himself.

"Hi Lou, this is Amy" he points at her and then turns to Amy „And this is Louis...uhm my best
friend"

Louis inwardly rolls his eyes but reaches out with a grin to shake Amy's hand. Amy herself beams
at him without knowing what is going on inside Louis. She's pretty , Louis thinks. A nice smile on
a delicate face framed by long blonde hair, brown eyes staring at him kindly and if he were straight
he would probably mention her big breasts as well.

"You just moved here last year, right?" she asks him.

Louis nods, and as if to mark his territory he says

"Yes, and I hit it off with Harry straight away. We became best friends immediately. Aren't we,
Harry?” and gives his boyfriend a sweet grin as he emphasizes the words best friends .

This time it's Harry who rolls his eyes and throws a warning look at Louis. But he quickly gets his
facial expression under control again and looks at Amy with a smile to confirm Louis' statement.

"Nice… but understandable, Harry and his charm draw you in straight away," she giggles, tucking
her long hair behind her ear.

"You don't say," Louis mumbles.

At that moment, Niall joins them and the three of them start talking about the last choir rehearsal
while Louis watches Amy and Harry closely, frowning. He swore to himself after their argument
that he would get his jealousy under control. It seems he needs to do better.

Meanwhile, Louis tries to catch Harry's eye and when he finally manages to do so, he
unobtrusively nods in the direction of the building with the toilets. Harry nods in agreement and
Louis says goodbye to the three of them with an excuse and goes ahead. On the way he breathes a
sigh of relief, can't wait to finally be able to take Harry in his arms. He goes into one of the back
cubicles and when it finally gets three knocks, he quickly pulls Harry in and straight into a wild
kiss. Harry goes immediately soft in his arms and lets Louis have his way.

"Mhmm...so possessive Lou." Harry grins into the kiss. Louis just grunts and digs his hands into
his curls. His cock is already hard from just the short interlude and he presses his bottom half
against Harry's. Harry grabs Louis' ass, a silent invitation for more. Both controlling themselves not
to be too loud, swallowing the tones of both of their moans with hungry kisses. Eventually, Harry
drops to his knees in front of Louis and pulls his pants down in one go. Louis bites his hand to keep
from crying out loud as Harry spoils him with his mouth.

Both leave the cabin with a red face and a satisfied smile.
 ꨄ

Louis regrets agreeing to meet Amy because it has resulted in her hanging out with them both
almost every day for months now during break time. It pisses Louis off. But since he doesn't want
any more arguments, he swallows every word that could lead to an argument with Harry and
makes a good face for the bad game. It's June now and the worst part is her routine isn't any more.
They no longer meet in the toilet every break, it would be too conspicuous in front of Amy, if they
left the group every day with any excuse. Louis is seething and no matter how hard he tries, there's
nothing he can do about it. Suddenly sharing the love of your life and not being able to live it out
openly is so difficult and Harry doesn't seem to understand it. Harry shrugs off any conversation
about it and Louis is desperately alone inside because the end of his school year is approaching.
However, when they meet in the afternoon, he regains every lost tenderness and the two have a
very full sex life, so to speak...

In the early afternoon the phone rings and Louis hopes it's Harry, he misses him every second he's
not with him. And Louis secretly knows that this is probably overkill, but what should he do? He
loves him too much. But when he answers the phone, it's Niall who answers.

"Hey Tommo, what's up?" he calls over the phone.

"Oi, don't yell like that into the receiver mate! Not much, I'm studying for my final exam. You?"

"Sorry" laughs Niall and asks further "do you have time and want to go to the cinema with us
afterwards?"

"Who is us?" asks Louis

"Your loverboy, Amy and I. The other two have already agreed,” Niall informs him and Louis
huffs.

"Of course they both agreed..." he replies, annoyed.

"Wow Louis, chill. What's happening? Is there a problem in paradise? I thought you sorted that out
weeks ago?”

Louis is silent for a moment and considers how far he can confide in Harry's best friend. Will he
lay his loyalty to Harry and tell him about Louis' thoughts and feelings directly afterwards? But
Louis has been churning with jealousy for months and he must have an outlet. Maybe talking about
it with an outsider will help.

"Niall please don't tell Harry but... oh god... I'm so jealous of Amy, it's eating me up. I feel like I
lost a part of Harry to her,” he sighs and Niall, rarely serious, replies

"I almost thought so. You should get your murderous glares for her under control... Louis, I think
it's unfounded. He just likes her, nothing more. I like her too, easy to get along with. Maybe you
can turn your jealousy down a bit later and give it a chance.“

"I just feel like I have to share Harry. It's not like with you. And I can't describe what bothers me
but..." Louis searches for words.

"You love him so much, don't you?" Niall asks softly

"God yes... so much. Sometimes I don't know what to do with all my feelings,” Louis sighs and
rubs his hand over his face.
"I can assure you that he loves you as well. He talks about you most of the time we meet. But
jealousy can damage a lot…” Niall warns him

"I know. I will try harder. When are we going to meet up later?”

"6pm at the cinema, we'll see what we're watching then"

"Okay Nialler, see you later"

"See you then, and cheer up Louis"

Louis hangs up the phone and stares into space for a while. He really makes a promise to himself to
talk to Amy more and also to show Harry that he's a completely laid back boyfriend. He has to
admit that he didn't really give Amy a chance during the last few weeks. It probably wasn't fair to
the girl. After all, Harry didn't stand him up one afternoon for her and that's what finally calms
Louis down. He calls Harry shortly afterwards to tell him he's coming and picks him up half an
hour earlier. Then he gets back to learning for his final exam, which is about to begin in 3 weeks.
The time with Harry has an expiry date, but Louis doesn't want to think about it again or he'll end
up sinking back into a deep hole.

When he picks up Harry as arranged, he walks out the door wearing a lilac shirt and shorts. It's a
mild June evening and the clothes are therefore appropriate, but what the hell, does he want to kill
me? Louis marvels.

He pushes Harry back in the front door and closes the door. Harry laughs in amazement

"What are you up to, Lou? We have to go"

Louis just grunts and pulls Harry close, behind the cover of Style's house to protect them from any
looks outside.

"Do you know how sexy you look in those shorts? God baby you're driving me crazy,” he says
with a hungry look and Harry just giggles. Louis swallows Harry's oh-so-cute giggle with a fierce
kiss, his tongue finding its way into his mouth. His hands wander down Harry's torso to his thighs.
Louis even goes as far as dropping to his knees in front of him to kiss every inch of bare skin on his
legs.

"Good thing Mum isn't around, if she saw that..." moans Harry, cheeks red.

"Mhmm... this gives me new ideas," says Louis, looking up at Harry from below. Harry laughs out
loud.

"Forget it right away, we have a date with the others" and pulls him up on Louis' shirt. Louis pouts
and Harry looks at him fondly, gives him one last kiss and pulls him out to walk towards the
cinema.

Arriving there, the other two are already waiting in front of it and studying the boards with the
current films. Louis makes an effort and gives Amy a friendly smile and pats Niall on the shoulder
in greeting. Amy and Harry hug each other briefly, Amy blushes a little, seems to be just as shy as
Harry. Maybe that's what makes the two of them so easy to get along , Louis thinks while watching
them. Maybe it's easier for both of them to be shy together or something.

"What do we want to watch?" Louis asks the group and studies the films on offer himself.
"I don't care, I watch everything" Niall grins and Louis looks questioningly at Harry and Amy.
Harry suggests the latest movie from 'Police Academy' and Louis would like to watch 'Shoot to
Kill'. The decision is now up to Amy as Niall doesn't care. And of course, Amy goes with Harry's
suggestion, which earns her a big grin from him. Louis breathes in and out deeply and secretly
clenches his fists in his pocket. He reminds himself that he really wants to try and tells himself to
calm down.

In the Theater, they look for their seats and Louis sits down first, hoping to have Harry seated right
next to him, but Amy takes that seat, leaving Harry behind and finally Niall. Louis is so annoyed
and he sits tense the whole movie, his heart beating so fast he's so angry. Amy makes it so difficult
for him to accept and like her without knowing it. And now, after all these months, he would give
anything to get rid of his jealousy because Louis is not doing well with it. It stresses him out, also
because he can't and doesn't want to tell Harry.

He keeps glancing over at Harry and misses him terribly even though he's only two seats away.
Harry himself doesn't notice any of his looks, he keeps whispering to Amy about scenes from the
film and they both giggle softly. It’s too much. Louis just can't take it anymore and quietly stands
up with the excuse of having to go to the toilet.

Instead of going to the toilet, Louis sits down on the step in front of the cinema and hangs his head.
He breathes in and out a few times, trying with all his might not to burst into tears. Suddenly he
hears footsteps behind him and looks up. Ironically, Amy stands in front of him and without a
word lets herself fall down next to him.

"Everything okay?" she asks him and gently touches his shoulder. Louis flinches at the touch and
freezes. He doesn't know what to think of it.

"How did you know I was here?" Louis asks her instead of giving her an answer to the question.
Amy sighs and replies "I sat next to you the whole time and I'm not stupid... I felt your tension."

Louis just nods and looks away from her. "It's just the stress before the final exams...I can't switch
off," he lies, hoping that's the end of the conversation. Amy is the last person he wants around right
now. Both sit silently on the stairs and watch the people passing in front of the cinema.

"Can I ask you something?" Amy says quietly after a while. Louis just shrugs.

"Do you know if Harry...um...does he talk about me sometimes?" she asks while blushing. Louis'
head snaps around and he looks at her with wide eyes.

"What? I mean yes… just like he talks about Niall,” Louis stammers, already guessing what this
conversation is going to lead to.

"I see...is he crushing on any girls?" she asks carefully and no...no, no, none of this can be true.

"I've never heard Harry rave about girls...probably he's a late bloomer," replies Louis. How is he
supposed to make her understand that he's not available without outing both of them? Louis begins
to sweat, his heart rate increases.

"Maybe I could change that...Louis, you as his best friend...do you think I have a chance with
him?"

And oh god, is the universe punishing him here? Louis starts to play with his hands nervously. He
can't avoid answering either, Amy looks at him with hopeful eyes and if the situation wasn't the
way it is, he would probably feel sorry for her.
"I don't think Amy. I guess he only sees you as a friend"

"But sometimes he throws me looks..." she hints and quickly looks down. And what? What fucking
looks?

"What do you mean?" he asks, hoping his voice doesn't reflect his anger.

"I caught him staring at my boobs the other day and...I don't know...he's sometimes stroking my
arm while we're talking. It's just a feeling, I can't describe it," she says, embarrassed. Louis is about
to freak out. This can not be true.

"Do you know what I'm thinking? He's just a horny teenager like all of us and you should be
careful that he doesn't break your heart” he bitches and gets up. He's had enough and just wants to
go home. He's furious with Harry, his jealousy probably justified after all and he can't sit here a
minute longer with Amy asking him for advice on a relationship with his boyfriend.

"Tell Harry and Niall I'm not fine. I go home. And you should go in.” He just nods to her goodbye
and then walks quickly home.

When he gets home, he slams the front door behind him and hastily undresses.

"Is everything okay?" Jay asks, looking around the corner, startled at the loud slamming of the
door.

"No. I don't want to talk about it," Louis says harshly, and although he's sorry for snapping at Jay at
the same time, he runs upstairs to his room.

Alone he can finally let his feelings run free. He throws himself on his stomach on the bed and
starts crying straight away. He feels betrayed by the world and by Harry.

Two hours later the doorbell rings, it's already late in the evening and he's wondering who it could
be. His tears may have dried up by now, but his heart is heavy and he just lies in the quiet, dark
room, hoping that a numbness will finally set in so that his thoughts will stop circling.

He hears Harry's voice quietly asking Jay if he can come in even though it's so late. Jay, who hasn't
heard from Louis since he came home, suspects there was a fight and lets Harry in.

He listens to every step on the stair and remains motionless on the bed. His door opens and he sees
Harry's silhouette standing in the doorway.

"Louis? Are you asleep?” he whispers, quietly stepping in and closing the door.

"No," Louis replies just as quietly. Harry finds his way in the dark to his bedside table and turns on
the small lamp on it. Louis has to get used to the sudden brightness and puts his arm over his eyes.
He notices Harry sitting next to him on the bed and finally Harry grabs his arm to take it down.
Louis looks at him in silence and Harry watches him thoughtfully.

"You cried?" he asks at some point.

"What gave it away?" asks Louis emotionless.

"Your red swollen eyes," and Harry runs his hand down his cheek. He bends over and wants to kiss
him, but Louis turns his head away. As much as he loves this boy, he can't pretend everything is
okay. Harry keeps looking at him hurt and turns Louis' head to himself.

"What happened? I feel like I've missed something." Harry asks.

"Do you know that she has feelings for you?" Louis replies, new tears glistening in his eyes.

"Who?"

"Amy! Who else?” huffs Louis

"What? No! How do you know that?” Harry asks in astonishment

"She told me earlier outside the cinema. She wanted my advice on how to get you” and again a
wave of anger swept over Louis. It's all so absurd and so wrong.

"So that's where she went," Harry wonders.

"Are you serious? That's the only thing you can think of?” asks Louis while sitting up angrily.

"No, of course not. Louis, it's a shitty situation for her, obviously. But I'm with you . I hope you
didn't tell her anything about us,” Harry worries. And Louis is so so angry. Doesn't Harry
understand the main problem here? That Louis has been suffering for months and now even
knowing that Amy is in love with his boyfriend. And his only concern is if he did say anything?

"Of course not!" hisses Louis. "And is your heart really all mine? Because that's not the only thing
she told me!"

Harry seems confused and asks what exactly he heard. And Louis takes a deep breath, trying to
calm himself down so he can have a normal conversation with Harry.

"That sometimes you touch her and stare at her breasts. You make her feel like she has a chance
with you. Is that right Harry?” Louis wants to know.

Harry looks down in embarrassment, the curls Louis loves so much, falling over his face so he
doesn't see Harry's expression when he says

"Louis you know I'm bi... and... yes sometimes I look at her boobs. But it means nothing. For real.
And...I just touch her arm or back sometimes when we speak, just like Niall. It's what I always do,
without further thought behind it.“

"You even admit it... wow... ok" Louis gets off the bed and paces back and forth

"I'm not admitting anything. You act like I cheated. It was a look here and there. I love you Louis”
Harry calls desperately, gets up himself and stops Louis in his pacing.

He grabs him by both upper arms and looks into his eyes and repeats emphatically

"I ONLY love you!" and pulls Louis into a tight hug. Louis immediately begins to cry, to sob, a
sense of relief runs through him and yet he can't forget it all.

"I love you too baby. Please never leave me,” Louis says, whimpering. And Harry tries to calm
him down, stroking his hair and back and finally kissing him so softly and passionately.

"Please let's not fight about Amy anymore. Let's not spend the last month at our school in
discussions. Please trust me Lou,” Harry pleads softly. And he's right, he has to trust Harry. It's not
long now until the exams and the prom, which both of them will attend together (only as best
friends, of course). This last time together is too precious and Louis knows it. After that everything
will change and these should not be the last memories of their summer together. Finally, Louis
nods and looks Harry deep in the eyes.

"I trust you."

That puts a dazzling smile on Harry's face and they both kiss again for a long time until Jay knocks
on the door. She asks Harry to go home, Anne has already called worried and asked if he is with
them.

Both hug each other tightly again, a quick kiss and then Louis is alone again.

With a lighter heart, he may fall asleep after some time.

 Chapter 10

Louis has passed all his exams with very good grates and prom is coming up. Tomorrow it's the
day. Harry, Niall and Amy all have a year to go and Louis is the only one in their group who is
leaving.

For the past few weeks Harry has made an extra effort to show Louis that he only loves him and
Amy, probably too shy, hasn't done any more to win Harry over. Although Louis now sees her
looks at Harry with different eyes and can't help but watch every interaction in the pauses with
eagle eyes. But still, the last conversation with Harry felt good and Louis is more relaxed in her
presence. Harry and Louis make more intensive use of their afternoon time together, knowing that
after the summer they will only have weekends together. They cuddle a lot, have sex or just stare at
each other while stroking and kisses are exchanged.

Like today. Both are lying in Harry's bed, soft music playing in the background. Louis really takes
all of Harry in and is already wistful about saying goodbye. He examines every crinkles by his
eyes, every hair on his face, every mole on his body. He wants to be able to recall Harry precisely
on lonely days.

"I'm gonna miss you baby"

“I’ll miss you too, my Lou,“ replies Harry and they both sink into the next deep kiss.

"I can't wait to see you in your suit tomorrow," Louis winks. "Would you at least tell me the
color?"

The two have kept both of their suits a secret from each other, both wanting to surprise the other.
But Louis, the menace that he is, keeps asking the same question every day and Harry always
denies an answer.

"No Lou, it's only one more day, you'll get through it." Harry laughs and gives him a sizzling kiss
on his stomach.

"Speaking of which, I have to go back to Amy again. She can't decide between two dresses and she
asked if I could help her"

And Louis doesn't change his face. Nope, totally relaxed boyfriend and all.

"Do that. I'll pick you up with Mum tomorrow. We'll be there a little earlier, Jay insists on taking
enough photos,” Louis grins and gets up to make his way home.

"I can’t wait for it. Goodbye Lou, I love you" says Harry and they both exchange another quick
kiss.

The next day, Jay and Louis came to the Styles family on time. Louis is waiting impatiently with
the two mothers in the living room for Harry, who needs a moment longer. When he finally hears
him coming down the stairs, he looks at his boyfriend in awe. Harry is wearing a light pink suit
with a white shirt underneath. He looks so innocent and soft and it immediately reminds him of
their first meeting almost a year ago. Harry, so shy on the dance floor back then and Louis instantly
knowing it's him.

"You look beautiful baby," says Louis, spinning Harry around by one hand when he's downstairs
with him.

"But you too, my Lou. An elegant, plain black always works,” Harry compliments him before
leaning forward to whisper in his ear, “The suit emphasizes the right places particularly well,” and
turns away again with a wink. Anne and Jay are right behind them to readjust the shirt collars and
coo about their two sons.

Louis quickly fetches the small bouquet of flowers he got from the living room table for Harry and
hands them over to him with a big smile.

"Wow thanks...these are beautiful! Mum, can you put them in a vase?” Harry asks Anne and she
takes the bouquet into the kitchen. Meanwhile, Jay is busy loading a new roll of film into the
camera, so Louis uses the moment for a quick kiss. During that Harry pulls a small pink brooch out
of his pocket and when he breaks the kiss he gives it to Louis.

"I have something for you too." He smiles and puts the cloth in the pocket of his sack.

"Thanks babe. Now we look like a proper couple” grins Louis.

"Which we are... but this way we make it visible to ourselves a bit without the others getting it"
Harry replies and then goes to Jay to ask if she needs help. When the roll of film is finally inserted,
they both pose by the camera, standing and sitting on the stairs. Jay even snaps a photo of them
kissing. It's so nice to be able to be so open with their mothers, especially since tonight both of
them will only be best friends with their classmates. In any case, Louis has decided at the
university in London not to make a secret of the fact that he’s gay. It's supposed to be a new
beginning and he hopes that Harry, when he visits him there, will also find the courage to be open.
After all, there are no people there that he knows and it's a foreign city. Louis has hope that the
move to London will bring something good.

Both toast the evening with their mothers with a glass of sparkling wine and then disappear to the
prom. In the shadow of a house wall in a side street, they kiss one last heartfelt time and then go
straight to the party.

The party is loud. It feels like all the upper classes are there and the small hall is teeming with
people. Everything is festively decorated and Harry and Louis look around in fascination. Both
make their way first to get something to drink. Each with a punch, they look for Niall in the crowd,
and Harry after Amy as well, Louis suppose. But neither sees them, so the two take care of
themselves and dance a little together. They fill up on punch a few more times and the mood gets
lighter the longer the night lasts. Both already feel the alcohol. Harry lasciviously swings his hips
to the music and Louis tries not to drool and show the public what he would like to do with his boy
right now. At some point Louis has to go to the toilet and quickly says that he is away for a
moment. Harry nods and continues to dance with himself, his punch, his constant companion. Louis
grins in amusement and hurries to the toilets. He pushes his way through the crowd and breathes a
sigh of relief when he finally reaches the toilet and can relieve his bladder.

The air inside is so stuffy that after washing his hands he decides to go out into the fresh air. He
opens the door and stops in front of the hall. Around him are a few couples leaning against the wall
of the house, kissing or giggling in a whisper. Louis wished he could do that with Harry right now
too. He lets his eyes wander briefly over the night sky before he goes back inside. The alcohol intus
always makes him clingy and he has to find Harry. He stops for a punch to get some new drinks for
himself and Harry and then goes looking for his boyfriend. With both hands full, he can't clear his
way so well and the search turns out to be more difficult than expected. He decides to look outside
along the dance floor first, but he has no luck. He sighs and takes a long gulp of the punch in
frustration, only to decide to down the rest as well. He carelessly drops the mug and makes his way
into the crowd with only the drink in one hand for Harry. He bumps into all sorts of people and
couples who are dancing wildly.

Then he finally sees Harry's head in the middle of the dance floor and heads towards him, so glad
he finally found him. As he gets closer he also sees Amy's blonde long hair and as the other
students make way to let him through he sees everything. Amy's head resting on Harry's shoulders,
his head resting on hers. Both their eyes are closed. But worse of all, both pressed close together
and Harry's hand is on her bum. Louis has to blink to make sure he hasn't lost his eye, but it's a
bitter reality. They look like a fucking couple , Louis thinks, angry and hurt. He also doesn't care
what other people think, his fuses are blowing.

Louis angrily approaches them both and spills the punch that was for Harry on them both. They
startle and look at Louis.

"Oops" says Louis in a hateful voice and drops the cup in front of both faces. Amy looks from
Harry to Louis, then down at herself over her punch-soaked dress. Harry's reaction, on the other
hand, is quite different, he walks towards him and slightly pushes him backwards.

"ARE YOU CRAZY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?” he yells at Louis.

"I SHOULD ASK YOU THAT. WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND HAVE HIS HANDS ON THIS
BITCH'S ASS?” Louis yells back. And shit… after the incident, the other students already all
looked at them and now Louis outed him. Harry has tears in his eyes, his punch-soaked hair is flat
around his face and he's looking at him so hurt. But Louis is hurt himself. And he doesn't want to
offer drama to the whole school anymore either. He takes Harry's wrist in a tight grip and pulls him
outside, past all the people who, shocked, make way for both of them. Harry is silent the entire
way. Once they have both walked around the hall where no one can disturb them, he lets go of his
hand. Both are breathing fast, each looking at the other with angry eyes.

"What was that in there with Amy? I was only gone 10 minutes and then I found you LIKE THIS
again?” Louis hisses

"It was just a dance, Lou. What's worse is that you outed me in front of the whole school! You are
such an asshole!“

"Please forgive me, Harry. But that's the only thing I'm sorry about. And don't fucking tell me it
was just a dance. Your hands have no place on someone else's ass!” and Louis gets louder again.

"I don't give a fuck about your apology. I never would have thought that you would betray me like
that. That was never your part to tell, you took that away from me,” Harry says emotionlessly, tears
already streaming down his cheeks. And what the hell? What about the other part? Why is he the
only victim here, Louis thinks angrily. But before he can reply, Harry continues in an eerily low
voice.

"I'm breaking up with you Louis"

Louis is shocked. He freezes, his heart stops.

"Why? I... what? Harry, you can't be fucking serious! You're groping another girl and I'm the bad
guy now?” he asks in disbelief.

Harry looks at him crying.

"Yes I touched Amy's ass while dancing today and yes...I liked it. I...God Lou...I'm so young and
you were my first in everything. I'm bi and I want to experience girls too."

"You want to gain experience with girls…" Louis repeats silently and tries to understand what is
happening here.

"Sometimes I feel like you're crushing me with your love. I love you too but... you're so sure of all
Louis... you talked about the great love from the start and you dream of our future and... I'm still so
young. Do you understand that?"

Louis can no longer speak. He just takes in. He shakes his head to show he doesn't understand
anything here, but Harry carries on.

"It was nice what we had and... it's not easy for me, because I love you too, as I said. But I think
that this with us is too much and too soon. I don't want that Lou. Please understand that I want to
live out my bisexuality."

Louis dies many small deaths with every further word. It hurts so bad. He grabs his heart to check
if it's still beating. To him it feels as if it has stopped. It's a nightmare.

"Are you really breaking up?"

No matter how painful it hurts, he needs to hear it again to realize it.

"Yes. I will always remember you and what we had. I'm sorry I couldn't be your last first kiss."

And then he turns and leaves. Louis watches him until his outline is no longer visible in the dark.
Only then does he collapse. He falls to his knees and he doesn't even feel the pain as he hits on the
hard asphalt. The pain in his heart covers everything. Soft sobs turn into a big howling fit. His
breath out of control, he howls and howls, alone behind a hall on the dirty ground. Louis feels the
need to break something but doesn't have the strength to get up. Harry's break up took everything
from him. He is empty.

Suddenly he feels a hand on his shoulder and arms pulling him up. He closes his eyes and doesn't
want to see or feel anything anymore. He sobs uncontrollably and someone pulls him into his arms.

"Louis, please calm down. What happened?” and it's Niall. Louis doesn't have the strength to talk
or stand. He falls into Niall's embrace.

"It hurts so bad. It hurts” Louis finally gets out.

"What hurts Tommo? Are you hurt? I oversaw the incident with Harry and you inside. Did you
guys fight out here or something?” Niall asks, confused.

Louis shakes his head only to cry out loud again. Doesn't anyone see how his heart was literally
broken? Didn't anyone hear it break?

"He broke up. Broke up. Just broke up. That's it.” and Louis is no longer in control of his senses.
He repeats the words mantra-like and Niall appears to hail a cab when he suddenly finds himself in
a car. His words have now faded away and he only cries silently into Niall's shoulder where he
rests his head.

When he gets home, Niall pulls him out of the cab and takes him to the door and rings the bell.
Louis silently stares straight ahead. Jay opens the door and her smile changes to a worried
expression after a look at her son.

"Hi Ms Tomlinson," says Niall and Louis continues to stare into space.

"What happened? Is he alright?” Jay asks Niall worried while she holds Louis face in her hands
and hopes for a reaction from her son.

"Harry broke up," Niall explains, and Louis winces. "It's best for Louis to explain the rest to you
himself. I'd rather be going now," Niall says goodbye and pats Louis on the back once more
pitying.

"Thanks for bringing him home Niall. That was very nice of you” says Jay and takes Louis inside
with an arm around his shoulders. She leads him to the sofa and sits him down. Louis just sits and
stares. He feels that's the only thing he can do right now. He hopes that a hole will open up into
which he can disappear and never come out again. Jay rushes into the kitchen and comes back with
two cups of tea, but Louis refuses. He doesn't want to eat or drink. He is even questioning his life
right now.

"Boo, tell me what happened" Jay asks. But Louis starts crying again. He cries and cries he doesn't
even know how long but Jay holds him the whole time. Minutes or hours later, when he's finally
calmed down a bit, he tells Jay everything. From the fun they had to the incident and the breakup.
Louis has to take a break in between because it hurts so much. Jay doesn't say anything. She has
not only felt this pain once and knows that at this moment no word is the right one and helps.

Suddenly he realizes something and he starts talking again.

"You know Mum, I think I always loved him more than he loved me. He never even gave me a pet
name. He was my baby. But I was at most just his Lou. And… at the tattoo parlor he also told, as
asked if we’re a couple, that I was only his best friend. I mean, what would it have been like to at
least stand by me there for once? He wouldn't have seen Charlie again anyway. And I could
imagine everything with him, but he never dreamed about us. He's probably right and I wanted
everything too soon and too fast. Why couldn't I be better mum? Why?” and Louis works himself
up again, new tears forming. Actually, he thought he had already cried every tear possible.

"Louis, my poor boy, you both certainly made mistakes. You don't have to be better. You are
already so, so good. Please don't tell yourself something like that” says Jay sympathetically and
wipes the tears from his face.

"I love him so much. How am I supposed to survive without him?” asks Louis desperately.

"The sun goes down and it comes back up, the world turns no matter what. You can do it Louis.
I've been through enough heartbreak to say for sure."

"It doesn't feel like it right now, Mum," Louis sobs.

"I know Louis". They both snuggle up to each other again in silence and when Louis has calmed
down again, Jay pulls Louis up off the sofa and leads him upstairs to his bed. He undresses weakly
down to his underpants and lies down in bed. Jay pulls up the covers and sits next to him. Louis
takes Jay's hand and looks at her pleadingly

"Stay with me until I fall asleep...please"

Jay nods and Louis closes his eyes. Worried, she looks at her son and gently strokes his hair until
his breathing calms and he falls asleep.
 Chapter 11

XI

Louis wakes up in his bed the next day. His eyes are swollen, that's the first thing he notices when
he opens them. And then reality hits him with full force. Harry broke up. Only Louis remained
from HarryandLouis. He would like to fall asleep again immediately, this empty feeling and the
certainty is almost unbearable. He writhes into an embryonic position, trying to hold himself
together, feeling like he's falling apart. Tears find their way out of his eyes again and he cries, his
mind wandering to last night. The worst part was watching Harry walk away. Simply that way. He
left Louis behind, just throwing away their love. It hurts not only his heart but also stings through
his body. His eyes are burning from crying so much since last night and his throat is raw from
sobbing. It feels like Harry took the other half of his heart with him yesterday.

Louis sobs loudly. It feels so wrong, can a world even exist without them both together? At least he
never would have thought it’s possible. Is Harry lying in his bed right now and thinking about him
too? Or is he now happy to be rid of the burden of Louis' great love? Louis startles, didn't notice
how Jay came into his room. He turns to her and looks at her in silence. Is it just teenage drama for
his mum or does she know how much it knocked the rug out from under his feet? Jay looks back in
silence, a worried look on her face. Like last night, she sinks onto the bed next to him and strokes
his fringe off his face.

"I don't have to ask how you're doing, do I?" she asks softly.

"No," Louis simply answers, crying softly to himself.

"Maybe you should talk to him again. Maybe he sees it differently today and he overreacted
yesterday."

"That's too many maybes," Louis replies. "I'm afraid to give myself hope. Maybe he'll break my
heart the second time," says Louis bitterly, turning away from her again. Stares blankly at the wall.

Jay just sighs, tells him to come down for breakfast and leaves. Louis' tears slowly dry up and he
hugs himself, trying to hold himself together again. He thinks about Jay's suggestion but really can't
imagine it at this moment, being too scared to hear Harry's empty, emotionless voice again as he
stabs the knife through his heart one more time.

In fact, Louis doesn't want to hear anything anymore, see anything, feel anything. He hears Jay
calling him down for breakfast but the thought of eating makes him sick. Louis ignores it and
closes his eyes. Still exhausted from the last few hours, he falls into a fitful sleep again.

When he wakes up again later, the sun is shining brightly in the sky, it's probably noon. His
bladder is full and that’s the only reason he drags himself to the bathroom. After he’s done, he
looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes are still swollen and red, his hair disheveled. Louis is
surprised that there isn't a big hole where his heart is. He doesn't brush his teeth, wash himself or
take a shower. He simply doesn't care. Quickly averting his gaze from his reflection, he goes back
to his bed and buries himself in the blanket. Shortly afterwards he gets restless up again to put on a
tape, can't stand the silence in which his thoughts can be heard so loud. He doesn't want to think
about Harry anymore. Just a moment's pause, that's all he wants. He decides to play a mixed tape
of sad songs, doesn't even know why he owns it, but is grateful for it right now. It suits his mood.
He presses play and lies down on the floor. Just like back then with Harry. His eyes are on the
ceiling and the memory hurts. But he doesn't feel anything but pain anyway, so he can wallow in it
right away. He listens to the lyrics and has never felt more understood. Silent tears escape every
song, especially Journey's 'Seperate ways', it hits too close to home.

Here we stand
Worlds apart, hearts broken in two, two, two
Sleepless nights
Losing ground, I'm reaching for you, you, you
Feeling that it's gone
Can't change your mind
If we can't go on
To survive the tide
Love divides

Someday love will find you

Break those chains that bind you
One night will remind you
How we touched and went our separate ways
If he ever hurts you
True love won't desert you
You know I still love you
Though we touched and went our separate ways

Troubled times

Caught between confusion and pain, pain, pain

Distant eyes
Promises we made were in vain, in vain, in vain
If you must go
I wish you luck
You'll never walk alone

Take care, my love

Miss you, love

The house is quiet, Jay is probably at work and Louis couldn't be more grateful for that. Because
when the next song begins to play, a pained scream escapes him. His heart, his whole body
contracts. He presses his palms to his eyes, tears his hair. He never thought that love could hurt so
much. It's ‚Careless Whisper’ of all things. Harry's favorite song. The gift from Louis, which is
forever immortalized on his skin and if he had known what meaning it ultimately has for both of
them, he would’ve stopped Harry at the tattoo studio back then. For the first time he really listens
to the lyrics. The memories and the lyrics blend together and it's so bittersweet.

Tonight the music seems so loud

I wish that we could lose this crowd
Maybe it's better this way
We'd hurt each other with the things we'd want to say

We could have been so good together

We could have lived this dance forever
But now, who's gonna dance with me? Please stay
And I'm never gonna dance again
Guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool

I should've known better than to cheat a friend

And waste the chance that I'd been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with you, oh
now that you're gone

(Now that you're gone) was what I did so wrong, so wrong

That you had to leave me alone?

And no, both will probably never dance together again. Memories of their dance together in the
kitchen come back and how they laughed at the burned waffle. Or their first dance when he met
him at the club. Despite the sadness, a wry smile graces Louis' face as he thinks of shy Harry, who
was embarrassed and standing on the dance floor, not knowing how to move to the music. Having
lost all of that, a new wave of realization hits him and he gets up and angrily turns off the cassette
player. Life is unfair.

That evening, when Jay comes home from her shift, she finds her son exactly as she last saw him -
crying in his bed. Louis didn't leave it all day and took turns crying and sleeping.

"Boo, did you just stay in bed all day? Please tell me that you at least ate or drank something?” Jay
asks in horror.

"No, I don't have an appetite," says Louis simply.

"You should eat something, I'll make you something in a minute..."

But Louis sits up angrily in bed,

"I do not want anything. Just leave me alone!” he says loudly and Jay winces at his words. She
can't stand to see her baby suffer like that.

"But Louis, plea-..." Jay begins only to be directly interrupted.

"JUST GO" yells Louis, his emotions completely overboard. He just wants his peace and quiet,
can't take a kind word. It's all too much.

Jay just swallows and quickly closes the door behind him. Louis has no more tears left, he just
turns sideways again to stare at the wall. And he's already sorry for the way he spoke to Jay, he
knows she didn't deserve it. He'll apologize to her tomorrow, that's what he intends to do, but right
now he doesn't have any strength. At some point he turns on the other side, his body is already
hurting from lying so much and watches from his window as the last rays of sun give way to a
sunset and finally night falls.

It's as dark in his room as it’s in himself.

The next morning he can at least pull himself together to take a shower and brush his teeth. After
yesterday, for Louis it feels like a real success. After a last look in the mirror, he makes his way
down to Jay. He finally finds her in the kitchen and looks at his mother guiltily. "Mum, I'm so
sorry, it wasn't okay to yell at you like that. Please forgive me,” he whispers and approaches his
mother to hug her. "It's okay… of course I forgive you. How are you today?"

"I think I cried my eyes dry. Otherwise I feel bad. I don't know if I'll ever feel different,” Louis
sighs and sits down at the table.

“Maybe you should distract yourself with packing. You're moving in a week,” Jay suggests.

He has rented a small flat in London that he will share with another boy he hasn't met yet. The
university offers such placements so that future students can find each other to save costs. He has
spoken to his other resident once on the phone. His name is Liam, he is 19 like himself and comes
from Wolverhampton. Both got along well on the phone and Louis hopes that the first impression
is not wrong.

"Yes I could do that," Louis agrees softly, his throat still hurting. For Jay's sake, he eats a little
something and then disappears back into his room. He doesn't know what to do with himself,
everything seems pointless. He stands awkwardly in his room and lets his gaze wander over
everything. But instead of packing, he sits down at his desk and takes out paper and a pen. He feels
the need to write Harry a letter, although he doesn't know if he will ever give it to him. And if so,
maybe Harry tears it up right away.

Hello Harry,

this is probably my last letter to you. It hurts to write those words alone. You always held my heart
in your hand from day one and took it with you when you left me. You said I loved you too much
and crushed you. I can't even say I'm sorry because I couldn't help myself. But now, without you, I
realize even more how great this love was for you. It hurts like hell not being able to call you mine
anymore. Sometimes it's hard to breathe because of the pain that runs through my body. You took
everything of me with you. I'm nothing without you. And yes, I'm probably smothering you with all
my feelings right now again, but you have to know how much you took me. You are so special, I
hope you know that! Everyone who can call you yours in the future is so lucky. Despite all the
pain, I wish you that you find yourself, collect your experiences and sometimes think back to me.
What we had was special. I definitely know that I will never love another man like you. I'll carry
you with me no matter where I go. Take care, my love.

Yours forever

Louis

PS: I am so very sorry that I outed you. I know you're mad at me and probably always will be. I
probably deserve this. I beg your pardon anyway. It was never my intention, I wasn't thinking
clearly anymore at this moment.

Louis quickly folds the letter without reading it again and puts it in his desk drawer. It was good to
get that off his chest, but he needs and wants to distract himself. Somehow life has to go on, even if
he doesn't know how.

He spends the next few days packing, leaving only the bare essentials outside. One afternoon,
when he's alone while Jay’s working, he goes down to the living room and looks in her box of all
the photos for the pictures of himself and Harry. Apparently I love torturing myself , Louis thinks
bitterly.

He opens the lid and his eyes fall directly on the photo of both at the beginning of their
relationship. They look so happy. It takes Louis breath away again and his heart clenches. It seems
to be the normal state for Louis now. He looks closely at how their hands are clasped together and
gently strokes the picture over it. Jay doesn't seem to have developed the prom ones yet, so there
aren't many pictures he can find. Only one more falls into his hands. It's a photo of just Harry from
a few weeks ago. Louis had made it of him after they made love in his bed and he then lay in his
covers with his headphones on and his Walkman in his hands. It's a nice memory and Louis has to
stop himself from crying again. He takes out both photos, closes the box and puts it back in the
closet. Back upstairs in his room he puts the picture of both of them together in a book which is in a
moving box so that it doesn't get creased. He folds the picture of Harry alone so that it fits into the
window of his wallet, he always wants to carry it close to him. And yes, it's a masochistic trait, but
it is what it is.

The afternoon before Louis is going to move, there’s a knock on his room door and is then opened
carefully.

Louis was playing sad break up songs on his guitar and was crying softly. That is his daily content
for the last few days. Waking up, staring into space, crying, packing, crying, being forced to eat by
Jay, playing sad songs, crying.

It's sad considering everything was fine up until a week ago and Louis was so happy with Harry.
Often in the last few days his thoughts have wandered to whether Harry is now having fun with
Amy, kissing and caressing her. If Harry exchanged him that easily. But the thought of it is so bad
that he often quickly chased it away. However, such images have often crept back into nightmares
at night and Louis now finds no comfort either in his sleep anymore. He’s desperate and Louis now
hopes that the distance will do him good and that London will heal his battered soul. But he's not
stupid enough to think he'll ever be complete without Harry again.

Niall's head peeks around the open door and Louis is surprised to see his ex-boyfriend's best friend.
His amazement seems to be reflected on his face because Niall tells me with a smile,

"What? Did you think I was only friends with you because of Harry?” and sits down next to him.
Louis winces slightly, as he always does when someone says 'Harry'. He doesn't respond to Niall's
question, because yes, that's exactly what he thought. Since the breakup, he has secretly questioned
everything. Niall looks him up and down thoughtfully.

"You look like shit, mate." he finally says.

Louis huffs and mumbles "Thanks Niall, you know how to cheer someone up"

"Is there anything that can cheer you up?" asks Niall. Louis shakes his head in response. But
there’s something that burns on his soul and he can't resist it. He must know.

"How is he?" he asks quietly. Niall is silent for a long time and finally answers

"To be honest...he's handling the breakup better than you outed him. It's good that the holidays are
on, he hopes that after that people won't talk about him as obviously as they do now."
Louis bows his head guiltily and nods. And yes, Louis will always carry this guilt with him. Just
like the love for Harry. He fights back the tears that gather in his eyes with all his might. Both
friends are silent together and Louis starts playing his guitar softly again. Niall watches him
silently. What else is there to say? They'll part ways, and it's probably for the better.

"I didn't want you to leave without saying goodbye," Niall whispers at some point. His usual
cheerful and loud manner has disappeared, it is as if he suffers together with Louis, as if he can feel
his pain.

"I appreciate that. Before you go… can I get you something for Harry?” asks Louis and Niall nods
in agreement. Louis pulls the letter out of his drawer for Harry and hands it to Niall.

"Can you give it to him when I'm gone? Don't worry, I didn't write anything worse in," Louis
assures.

"Of course!" says Niall and puts it in his pocket.

Both hug, shy away from saying goodbye and promise to keep in touch and to call each other. But
Louis doesn't know if he can keep his promise. Actually, he wants to burn all bridges behind him.
He needs a fresh start, he doesn't know how else to survive. And yes, it sounds dramatic, but that's
exactly how it feels.
 Chapter 12
Chapter Notes

TW: self harm

XII

Louis stands in his small room in London and looks thoughtfully at his moving boxes. He thinks
about what to start with first and decides on his clothes. He puts them neatly in his closet. Just as
he's done, he hears the door lock, it has to be his roommate, Liam. He takes a quick look in his
mirror, wanting to look decent as best he can. He knows he's lost weight since the breakup and his
cheekbones are sticking out sharply from his face, the nightmares have left dark shadows under his
eyes, but still he just startles about himself. He turns away quickly, sighs and steps cautiously out
of his room. Voices from the living room ring out to him and he tries to act as confident as possible
when he sees him and two other people. Louis is only a shadow of himself, he is sad, his self-
confidence is almost gone - because he wasn't enough for Harry. But it's a fresh start and he's
trying to pull himself together. He walks towards the young man he assumes to be Liam with an
outstretched hand.

"Hi, I'm Louis and you must be Liam?" he asks, trying to manage a real smile.

"Hey, yes exactly. Nice to meet you. This is my sister and this is my cousin. They just help me
carry the moving boxes inside," Liam replies with a big grin.

Louis is immediately annoyed, he can't stand happy people very well at the moment. And he's so
sorry that he's in this mood and that fellow human beings have to take the brunt of it, in the past he
wouldn't have had a problem making friends with Liam directly.

"Okay yeah, if you need help just let me know...I'll be in my room if you're looking for me" he
nods to all three and disappears back into his room.

Sighing, he begins to distract himself, not to think about the loss of his love again, and covers his
bed, sets up the small desk and thinks about where to put his guitar. There is only one box left with
books and CDs, he decides to clear them out later.

Sadly he goes to his window and watches the hustle and bustle of London. Lots of traffic, lots of
people and a lot of longing for his old life in Manchester. He already misses Jay terribly. She drove
straight back this morning after helping him move as she was on an afternoon shift. His whole
world is shaking. All he has left is his dream of studying music. Otherwise his world is out of joy.
It's nothing like it was. And of course his mind wanders back to Harry. What will he do? How will
he be? But it's all nothing more that should interest him. He feels his lips starting to wobble again,
tears welling up in his eyes, but he quickly swallows it back and instead goes out to where Liam is,
whom he finds back in the living room, sitting amidst his moving boxes.

"What are you doing?" Louis asks softly. Liam doesn't seem to have heard him and looks up,
startled.
"I'm trying to find my motivation to put all the boxes in my room"

"How about a beer instead? I already had some cold this morning” asks Louis without batting an
eyelid. He really tries to be friendly, even if it's hard for him.

"That would be great! Would you give me a tour then?"

"Liam… you do realize this isn't a villa and there's not much to see?"

"It was just for fun. I can find my way," Liam replies quickly, seeming to notice Louis's mood.
They both go into the kitchen and Louis pulls out a bottle for each.

They lean against the kitchenette and silently drink their beer. Louis notices how Liam looks at
him and actually would like to have a bonding ritual over the beer, but he stares straight ahead,
drinking many small sips in quick succession. The whole situation is making him nervous, what if
Liam turns out to be the next big disappointment in his life?

"Who broke your heart and how long ago was it?" Liam finally asks after several minutes of
silence. And Louis chokes on the beer he just took a sip from.

"What?" he just asks stupidly and looks at Liam with wide eyes.

"Either you're going through heartbreak or someone has died. I'm guessing the first because you're
not dressed in all black,” Liam replies simply. Louis looks at him too now, his hair is curly, he
assumes it's a permanent wave as it’s fashionable, he's about as tall as he but more muscular than
himself. His face is friendly, brown eyes look at him sympathetically.

"I don’t want to talk about it. But you're right, it's the first one,” Louis finally murmurs. Liam just
nods and pats him on the shoulder and Louis doesn't know how to handle his kindness when he's
so grumpy himself. Both then go back into the living room and discuss who gets which side of the
drawer to store their things. In addition, both agree to pool their money and buy a television. The
apartment is not large, but everyone has their own room, the small kitchen and the even smaller
bathroom are functional. The only luxury is a mini balcony. Tomorrow Louis will look for a job
and so he will be away most of the time studying or working anyway. Louis is happy for any
distraction.

A short time later he disappears back into his room, the interactions with Liam are exhausting for
him, he actually just wants to bury himself in his Bed and not have to pretend that he's not in front
of the next crying fit. Louis is getting on his own nerves to be honest.

In the evening he pulls himself together and unpacks his box of books and the photo of himself and
Harry falls into his hands. He stares at it, views Harry and god does he miss him. It's been over a
week since the last time he kissed him, felt his full pink lips on his. His curls tickled his nose, he
held his soft hand. And he can no longer defend himself, the tears are finally finding their way.
And it's good to finally not have to be strong anymore to let go. Louis can hardly look at the picture
anymore, he's crying so hard. He's sitting there on the floor of his room and once again he's
wishing he'd disappear into the ground. Just to be away and never come back. His sobs get louder
and suddenly Liam is in the door. He sees Louis sitting there in a miserable heap and rushes
straight to him. Without hesitation, he sits down next to him and pulls him close. At first Louis is
surprised by the gesture, but then he doesn't care and gives him a desperate, wild hug. He gives
into his feelings and cries in the arms of a stranger. He still holds the picture, the only thing that
tells him that what he and Harry had was real. That this love existed between the two of them.

"I know we've only known each other since today, but I'm so sorry about your loss. If you want to
talk...I'm here,” Liam says, and Louis believes him. It sounds so honest and can he really go
through life always afraid of being disappointed again? He knows that he has to trust again and that
if everything goes well he will live with Liam for three years. And maybe someone else can hold
him together, help him mend his broken heart. Maybe Liam can become a friend.

"I...my...oh god" Louis can't get a word out, he doesn't even know where to start. An outing to
Liam, whom he barely knows, is inevitable if he's going to tell him the story. He's trying to
remember his old self that wouldn't hide. He breaks out of his embrace with Liam, takes a deep
breath and, still in tears, tries again.

"I hope you're not a homophobic asshole...because...I'm gay" says Louis at first, watching how
Liam will react. But Liam's face shows amazement and then a broad grin.

"That's okay. I'm gay too” he smiles and his cheeks turn red and it reminds him so much of Harry
that it stings briefly through his body.

"Wow...ok. Does anyone know?” Louis asks, repeatedly wiping new tears from his cheeks.

"No...just my sister, but no one else. Through Section 28, I saw at my last school how much the
students were bullied who were out,” Liam shakes his head.

Section 28 is a legislative designation for a series of laws across Britain. Prime Minister Margaret
Thatcher introduced an amendment to the Local Government, banning the promotion of
theacceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship and Teachers aren't allowed to
teach about same-sex relationships anymore. Anyone who breaks the law could face disciplinary
action. Since then, many pupils and students have had a very difficult time. Louis has always
noticed how badly students are bullied and marginalized if they ever confess to themselves. It
makes him so angry and he has promised to himself, if he ever gets better mentally, to actively
stand up for his rights and for many others.

"Understandable, but I've made up my mind not to hide anymore. My last relationship...my ex
boyfriend..." these words alone hardly want to leave his lips. Liam gives him an encouraging nod
while Louis struggles to put it all into words. "-His name is Harry...he broke up with me a few days
ago. He is...was my great love and he didn't want to come out of fear either. We dated for almost a
year and...the breakup was ugly" and Louis collapses. Liam is right back and hugs him again.

"I'm sorry Louis. But time heals all wounds, including yours."

"I don't believe in it," says Louis bitterly, and then they both remain silent for a long time. Louis
has calmed down and says quietly to Liam

"By the way, I won't tell on you."

He only notices Liam nodding, Louis still leaning against him and he has to admit it feels so good
to be held. The last few days it was Jay who hugged him again and again and was there for him.
But this feels like a good replacement.

Both decide to have a beer together again and when Liam asks if he wants to smoke one with him,
he only shakes his head in the negative but goes outside with him. As he stares up at the night sky
and takes a sip from his beer, he finds himself thinking about Harry again and if they’re both
seeing the same star constellations right now. It’s to despair. And he doesn't want to be like that
anymore, not every little detail should remind him of Harry. It's probably a stupid idea and yet the
idea of something new is suddenly so appealing. He turns to Liam and asks him if he can have a
cigarette. Liam hands him the pack of cigarettes without asking any questions and Louis takes one
out with shaking hands. If Jay would know... thinks Louis. But it doesn't matter, he's tired of always
doing the right thing or to be this old version of himself. And what else is youth there for if not to
try out new (and unhealthy) things?

"This is my first cigarette. Any tips?” Louis asks and Liam gives a short laugh.

"Take a puff and then take a deep breath, you'll cough either way, the second cigarette will be
better," he winks at him. Liam lights his cigarette for him and Louis takes a drag. It ends in a fit of
coughing for Louis and a fit of laughter for Liam. When he takes a second hit, dizziness sets in.
And yet there is something that calms his nerves and distracts him from letting his thoughts
revolve around the one topic.

October 1988

Louis has already completed his first few weeks at university and loves it. His whole morning
revolves around music and the afternoon is the same. Louis has found a job in a music store, he
works as a salesman in a record and CD shop. Part of his life is going according to plan and it's
really something that he enjoys and embraces. Liam and him have become good friends, he now
knows the complete story of Harry and Louis and every time he has another breakdown he is right
there and comforts him as best he can. But in the evening in silence in his room, all the memories
come back relentlessly, although he no longer has nightmares about Harry and Amy or any other
faceless girl, his sleep is still not restful. He keeps waking up during the night and has a hard time
going back to sleep, his first thought always being Harry. Louis has really given up hope that he
will ever feel any different. Harry is and will always be his great love. Just a small flame stoking in
his chest lately: what if he and Harry finally find each other again? Maybe he misses him after so
many weeks too. He will soon visit Jay and secretly hopes to meet. Louis knows he's clinging to an
illusion, but it's something that doesn't keep him crying all the time.

One evening he decides to get a tattoo. He could never imagine it for himself, but the thought
won't let him go. Liam already has tattoos himself, so he asks him to come with him for moral
support. Liam has a buddy who does tattoos, so he asks him if he's available that evening. It's a
spontaneous action and Louis feels alive again for a long time. They both walk the streets of
London smoking on their way to Liam's pal.

"What tattoo do you want anyway?" Liam asks just before they get there.

"A compass," Louis replies as he takes another drag on his cigarette.

"Just like that, or does it mean something to you?" Liam asks curiously. Louis stops, wondering if
he can really tell Liam the thought behind it. But Liam never mocked him and knows him in his
saddest hours. He knows how much he loves Harry. And so he decides to tell Liam. Both stand a
little off the sidewalk so as not to get in the way of other people walking by.

"Please don't think I'm crazy but...no wait, I'll start again." Louis takes another drag on his cigarette
to brace himself for the memories and calm his nerves. "When I met Harry back then and told
Mum about it the next morning, she told me to take it slow. She said a sentence that I can't get out
of my head in the last few months since the breakup."

Louis pauses, but Liam nods to encourage him to continue.

"She said 'If it's really the great love you say, then you'll find each other'. And what if we find each
other a second time? I just can't forget him and I secretly hope that life will bring us together
again.” Louis admits and clears his throat. As he stubs out his cigarette, he begins to explain
further.

"Harry loves tattoos and he liked the drawing of a ship in the window of a tattoo parlor back then. I
could imagine that he will do it directly at 18. I want the opposite of that. A compass. It sounds so
stupid when I say it out loud. I'm probably crazy after all” Louis sighs and runs his hand over his
face.

"No, mate! Not at all. I understand your train of thought very well and what would life be without a
bit of hope”, Liam soothes him. "Maybe the compass will bring Harry back to you. Guide him
home. A nice thought. I'll keep my fingers crossed that your mum is right."

And of course, as always when it comes to Harry, tears are not far away. But under no
circumstances does he want to arrive at Liam's friend's house crying. And so he quickly suppresses
his feelings and buries them as best as he can. Like the last few weeks. Pure survival instinct.

Two hours later, Louis has a compass on his forearm. The compass needle points north to 'Home'
which is written in the compass. Inspired by Liam's words earlier, he asked the tattoo artist to make
a small change. Liam just smiled at him when Louis shared his idea.

The new Louis smokes and has tattoos, he likes his transformation, it feels more mature, different.
Different is good.

December 1988

It's the winter semester break and Louis is with his mother for his birthday and New Year's Eve.
Jay insisted on picking him up and was able to get to know Liam personally. Both got along well
and hugged goodbye when Liam went to his family.

On the way home, they both sing Christmas carols on the radio and are happy about the time
together. Louis now only suffers in lonely hours, he doesn't want to burden anyone with it anymore.
One should be over it after so many months, Louis thinks annoyed of himself. But as expected,
Harry is always with him. He often looks longingly at the picture of him in his wallet.

Louis is nervous, what if he sees Harry again? And what if he has a new partner in the meantime?
But as always, he quickly pushes the thought away. So I can torment myself tonight again alone.
Now he's glad to have Jay around.

"We have to buy a Christmas tree together after we arrive, Boo," says Jay.

"Don't you have one yet?" he asks his mother in surprise and looks over at her.

"No, it's our tradition to buy him together and I couldn't bring myself to do it alone this year,"
smiles Jay.

Louis suggests that they buy a tree as soon as they arrive in Manchester and then decorate it
afterwards. Jay nods and wears a huge grin on her face and they both continue to sing along to
Christmas Songs. It starts to snow just before Manchester, everything looks so peaceful, the houses
are nicely decorated and lighted. Jay stops in front of a small forest, where they can chop down
Christmas trees themselves and it’s part of their tradition to do that every year. First in Donny and
now here. Jay usually just cheers Louis on while he's felling and lets him do the work. After that,
there was always warm cocoa at home or when Louis was old enough mulled wine and he hopes
Jay will do the same this year. He missed talking to his mom so much and he wants so badly to
snuggle up with her tonight with a punch. The fact that Louis turns 20 tomorrow doesn't change the
fact that he's a mamas boy. He loves the memories of their Christmas together and is so grateful
that Jay waited for him to buy the tree.

Both jump stiffly out of the car and are happy to have the 4.5 hour drive behind them. They hold
their backs, stretch in all directions and as they look past the car both start to laugh, behaving like
old pensioners. Louis hasn't felt this happy in a long time and it feels so good, like Jay putting a
band-aid over Louis' broken heart with her motherly love.

Louis links his arm with Jay's and they both go side by side in search of a tree. At some point they
separate and everyone looks out for themselves. As Louis is staring at a tree, wondering if it fits in
the living room at home, someone clears its throat behind him. Louis freezes. He knows the sound
and his heart starts beating fast. He turns around slowly.

Harry.

Harry’s looking at him with rosy cheeks from the cold December wind. Snowflakes got caught in
his hair. He looks so beautiful. Just like when they kissed on a side street back then. Memories and
emotions flood Louis, he seems to be almost drowning and he is gasping for air.

Louis is probably looking at him with a grimace because Harry asks, "Are you alright Lou?".

Lou. It's been a long time since he heard that nickname. Neither Liam nor Jay call him that.

"I...I don't know how to answer that question?" says Louis, his voice hoarse. Louis knew there was
a chance of a meeting, but he didn't expect it to happen so soon.

"How about honestly?" Harry asks, eyeing him quizzically. Louis is nervous, his heart is beating in
his throat and the chances are good he’s going to have a panic attack. Or a howling attack. Maybe
both. He's been trying so hard to suffer alone for the past few months, it's been a win for him every
time he's made it through the day without bursting into tears. He quickly fishes a cigarette out of
his pack and lights it up. Everything's fine, you're not freaking out in front of your ex-boyfriend, he
calms himself down.

"You smoke?" Harry asks, shocked. Oh yeah, he doesn't know about that yet. This is the new
Louis. With tattoos and a broken heart.

"Yes and? It doesn't have to bother you anymore," he hisses, not knowing why he's suddenly so
angry. Harry just nods and is just about to start speaking again when suddenly a "Harry?" is heard
from the surrounding trees. And shortly thereafter, Amy joins them. Louis rolls his eyes and puffs
furiously on his cigarette.

She quickly walks up to Harry and snuggles up to him. Louis turns straight away and wants to
leave, he's seen enough.

"Hey Louis, nice to see you again" Amy says softly and Louis turns around again and looks at her
without emotion. A quick glance at Harry, who hangs his head guiltily. Everything is clear to him.

"Just fuck you," he says and leaves, hoping that Jay has found a tree and they can get out of here
quickly. Anger holds back tears and Louis is so grateful for that.
"Mum?" he calls loudly and looks around. She waves at him from further away and he quickly
walks over to her.

"Is the tree ok? We have to get out of here. Harry….I…Mum…please.” Louis just stammers and
picks up the axe that is next to Jay. She looks shocked, realizing how upset her son is.

"Of course Boo. Fell him and I'll pay the tree quickly, ok?” she says hurriedly and makes her way
to the cashier.

Louis swings back and hits the tree trunk. He takes all his feelings out on the poor tree, but Louis
couldn't care less. He's breathing heavily, can't get the image of Harry and Amy out of his head,
and lets his aggression run wild.

In the evening, when both are sitting in front of the decorated tree, Jay and Louis got drunk with
punch. First Louis cried again in his mother's arms. Now the alcohol has numbed everything. If
only the feeling would last forever.

July 1989

The prom was a year ago and Louis is in a particularly bad mood today. He persuaded Liam to go
clubbing with him. Louis wants to get really drunk. He doesn't want to think or feel anything. Liam
immediately agreed, even if Louis hardly tells him anything about his feelings or Harry in front of
him the last months, he knows exactly that his friend is suffering.

Louis has been on high tension since waking up. The day repeats itself over and over again. Harry's
words repeat themselves and he sees far too clearly how Harry walks away, leaving him alone and
broken in front of the hall. All that he has given up since seeing him again in December is coming
to the surface in full force today and Louis can hardly stand it.

He goes to the bathroom to get ready for the evening, as he steps into the shower he hears Liam's
music pumped up loud from the living room, putting them in the party mood. In the shower he lets
his tears run free, he sobs loudly. The music and the jet of water swallow all sounds anyway. For
months he allows himself finally to briefly feel everything before drowning it in alcohol
afterwards. He still misses Harry so much, the worst part for him is that he apparently turned to
Amy right after the breakup. She holds his great love in her arms. And he only has many little
demons tormenting him, and time heals no wounds. It's a lie that people tell. Finally he sits down
on the floor of the shower and just lets the water trickle over him. Every salty tear is washed away
right away. If only it were that easy and the water could wash away the pain too. Eventually he has
had enough and steps out of the shower.

With a towel around his waist, he looks at himself in the mirror. His blue eyes are lighter than
usual from crying and he badly needs a shave. He looks for his razor and when he finds it he
realizes that the blade is dull and needs to be replaced. A new wave of tears washes over him. It
seems he can't stop now that he's allowed himself to feel everything again. With trembling hands
he is about to insert the new blade when he cuts himself by mistake. He hisses from the pain but
then looks fascinated at the blood coming out of his finger. The pain is a welcome distraction from
the ache in his heart and without a second thought he sets the blade on his arm. He wants more of
this pain that seems to bring him such relief. Somewhere in his mind he knows this is sick but it
doesn't matter. 'Cause finally there's something that's quieting the demons inside him. And so he
squeezes and pulls the blade down. The blood comes out and Louis is finally numb. Everything is
quiet in him. Again and again he pulls the blade over his skin in different places, it burns and hurts
but on the other side it feels so good. Louis is in a frenzy.

As he sits on the bathroom floor afterwards and watches his blood dry on his skin, he’s satisfied
with his work. His arm will now bear the same scars as his heart and in a sickly masochistic way
he finds it beautiful.

When Liam knocks on the door and asks if everything is ok or if he drowned in the shower, Louis
wakes up as if from a trance and only then really understands what he has done. Hurt himself. He
calls to Liam that he’s about to finish and quickly washes off the remains of blood on his arm.
Shame overcomes him in the next moment. That he was weak enough to do this to himself.
Nobody is allowed to see it. In a panic, Louis smears an ointment on it and hurries to his room.
Hoping Liam doesn't see him. It's warm outside, but he still puts on a long-sleeved shirt. He doesn't
care if he's going to sweat dancing tonight, but what would people think if they see his his arm?
Louis closes his eyes for a moment, still feeling the sting of his cuts. He pushes the bad conscience,
the sadness, everything back into the furthest corner of his mind and soul and then goes to Liam in
the hope that he can't tell by looking at him. How broken he is.

It's September 28, 1989

and it's been a year without Harry.
His heart is heavy.
 Chapter 13
Chapter Notes

TW: self harm

XIII

February 1991

It's the first of February, Harry's birthday. Louis is leaning against the railing of the balcony,
gazing at the London night sky as he thinks of him. A cigarette in one hand, a beer in the other, the
air is cold and so is he. Louis thinks back to the shy 16-year-old boy from back then. Shortly after
the breakup, he was still able to evoke his smell, but now the memory of it has faded. Not
forgotten are the shared memories that are still clearly retrievable. Even years later, in these quiet
hours, his heart is heavy. Harry turned 20 today and Louis bitterly toasts to the night sky. Happy
Birthday my love, he breathes softly without anyone being able to hear him.

He wonders what would have happened if they had met later? If Harry wasn't still in his discovery
phase, still wanted to test himself sexually. With the few years since the breakup, Louis can
understand better and better what Harry meant at the time. And yet, he can still say that Harry was
it for him. From the beginning. Louis still thinks of him every day, he sometimes picks up from Jay
on the phone that Harry sings with Niall in bars in Manchester and has also started studying on the
side. Sometimes, if he's brave, he'll ask if she knows anything about Harry being taken. But Jay
doesn't know much except that Harry is now single. But is there someone else or does he
sometimes think of Louis too? Nobody will be able to answer that for him.

Sometimes he still has sporadic contact with Niall, often it's Niall who calls him and doesn't let the
contact end completely. But he never says a word about Harry, they often only talk about the latest
gossip from Manchester or Niall talks about his changing girlfriends. Niall once explained to him
that he doesn't want to talk about Harry with him, he wants to keep the two friendships separate.
And Louis understands it, he also doesn't want Harry to know how much Louis is still suffering
from the breakup.

Silently he drags on his cigarette again and looks at his compass tattoo. Hope has died. Louis has
given up hope that the two will find each other again. The realization suddenly came a year ago
and ended with him getting very drunk. He sat alone on the sofa at the time and drank all the
alcohol he could find in the apartment. After all, he staggered into the bathroom and because the
alcohol didn't numb the pain enough and actually made it worse, he cut himself again. Louis is not
proud of it, but the physical pain always drowns out the mental pain and he gratefully accepts
everything that can help him. To this day he cannot imagine a relationship with another man.
Nevertheless, he found a solution for his needs.

Back when he was so drunk in the bathroom with his arms bleeding, Liam found him. He was
shocked, Louis' memories are clouded by the alcohol, but he will never forget his look.
~Flashback~

"Oh god Louis what happened? What did you do?” Liam screams in panic. Louis just shrugs his
shoulders, he's hardly capable of more because of all that alcohol. Liam carefully picks up the
bloody razor blade lying on the floor next to him and quickly tosses it into the trash can. Then he
sits down next to Louis and hugs him.

"Why?" Liam asks quietly

"He'll never...never find his way home to me Li," slurs Louis.

"And did you realize that today? God Louis how much have you been drinking? You breath reeks
terribly from alcohol and your arm…” Liam frees himself from the embrace and quickly grabs
Louis by the upper body, which has tilted slightly forward due to the sudden movement. Liam
carefully takes his injured arm and looks at it. A tear runs down his cheek and Louis manages to
wipe it from Liam's cheek with a few drunken attempts.

"Don't cry because of me," Louis pleads, a bad conscience running through his foggy brain for his
friend, whom he has now burdened with.

"You are my best friend and you are suffering. God Louis, how bad are you actually?” Liam cries
completely.

“I'm broken Li. But I don't want to burden you with it. You're way too good to take care of me not
getting over my boyfriend...ex-boyfriend"

"Bullshit. Just bullshit. I'd rather you tell me how bad you are. Before you cut yourself." Liam
stands up and in the next moment helps Louis to his feet, who staggers. Supporting him, he leads
him to the shower.

"You should take a shower. Maybe that'll sober you up a bit and you can wash off all the blood.”
Liam whispers. Louis only nods. He doesn't want to worry him any more.

"Are you staying with me?" Louis asks and Liam nods in confirmation. He averts his gaze slightly
as Louis strips naked. Liam sits on the toilet seat and listens to Louis take a shower. When he
comes out, Liam is already there with a towel to wrap him in. Louis loves being pampered,
someone taking care of him. He's so thankful for Liam. He leans forward with his head against his
chest and Liam gives him a full hug.

"You're so good to me Li," Louis whispers while nuzzling into Liam. Liam rubs his back, a soft
drunk Louis cuddles into him only wrapped in a towel.

"Everything for you Louis," Liam says softly, laying his head on Louis's.

Louis slowly raises his head and looks at Liam for a long time.

"Kiss me?" asks Louis and looks up at him from under his eyelashes. At first Liam looks shocked
and wants to say something, but Louis, getting always drunk more courageously and strange ideas,
simply pulls Liam's face directly with both hands to his lips. First the kiss is one-sided but then
Liam kisses him back gently. Louis feels nothing. Of course not, because it's not Harry. The only
thing he feels is his cock twitching in interest. Louis hasn't dated or had sex with anyone since
Harry. He only had wanks to the sexual memories with Harry. He has no interest in other men and
he definitely doesn't want to have anything to do with relationships anymore. Oliver and Harry left
lasting damage.

He tastes the alcohol that Liam drank tonight because he was partying too. But he's definitely not
as drunk as he is. Because Liam has still a permanent wave, Louis can, with his eyes closed,
imagine it's Harry's curls he's running his fingers through. Or that the little beard is Harry's which
is scratching around his mouth.

They both blame it on last night's alcohol when they wake up naked together in Liam's bed the next
morning and Louis then silently disappears into his own bed to cure his hangover.

~Flashback end~

But it didn't stop at this one time. At first it was only here and there when both had been drinking
and were horny, but then it crept in by silent agreement that they also cure their needs when they
were sober. For Louis, it's just that, nothing more. The sex is never loving or sentimental like it
was with Harry back then. It’s for sheer satisfaction only. He has no feelings for Liam and when
they talked after they fucked he made sure Liam was on the same page. He would never want to
hurt his best friend. Liam himself has feelings for someone else but doesn't dare to tell him, he's
still not out and doesn't know anything about his crush's sexual orientation. And so it's the same for
both: Friends with benefits.

It doesn't affect their friendship at all.

Liam is still the good friend who helps Louis when he's down, who doesn't judge him when he
sees fresh scars on his arms, and who tries to persuade him to see a therapist, who just has fun with
him on good days or goes with him in a pub to have a drink. It’s all good. From the outside, Louis
has his life under control.

He was able to fulfill his dream and writes lyrics, is a freelance songwriter but composes more of
advertising jingles. He hopes that one day a well-known singer will sing his songs.

Just today he wrote a song, of course related to Harry again. Louis stubs out his cigarette and drinks
his beer, then he goes into his room where the not quite finished song is still lying. Liam has a date
with other friends today, including his crush, so Louis can write his song in peace. He loves it
when he has the apartment to himself and can sing his song ideas out loud without anyone hearing
him. He's still unsure of his voice and only Harry heard him sing at the time. It should stay that
way.

He takes his guitar and his lyrics and tries to find a melody for his song. He closes his eyes,
imagining his Harry from back then, and starts playing his guitar. Again and again he writes down
notes when he likes something or changes words here and there. When he's finally satisfied, he
plays it in its entirety:

We were too young

To know we had everything
too young
I wish I could've seen it all along
I'm sorry that I hurt you, darling
Oh oh oh oh
We were too young

I've been looking back a lot lately

Me and you is all I've ever known
It's hard to think you could ever hate me
But everything's feeling different now
Oh, I can't believe I gave into the pressure
When they said a love like this would never last
So I cut you off 'cause I didn't know no better
Now I realize
Yeah, I realize

We were too young

To know we had everything
too young
I wish I could've seen it all along
I'm sorry that I hurt you, darling
Oh oh oh oh
We were too young

It's a weird feeling as he plays the last chords. Proud of his song and yet so sad about the
background of it all. Sometimes Louis wishes he had never loved. Never having to go through such
a heartbreak. He doesn't understand how couples break up and then find new love again.
Everything Louis is belongs to Harry, presumably he will still be a bitter old man sitting on his
porch with 7 dogs and crying for his curly-haired boy. When he tells Liam these thoughts, he
always tries to be very understanding while still trying to cheer him up. To encourage him to
finally do therapy. But what therapy can mend a scarred heart? They are always there, even with
the most beautiful or professional words. He alone has to live with it. Liam often suggests that he
should go on dates again. Louis has had enough men show interest in the past few years, but he
compares everyone to Harry. No one has a smile like him, no one has such soft curls, no one has
such long legs and sweet love handles, no one has green eyes in which he likes to sink. Most of the
time, he distracts Liam with this nonsensical thought of having sex. And he secretly knows these
are all unhealthy practices, but it is what it is.

What led Louis to his latest tattoo. It is what it is now adorns his chest. Nothing can ever change
the fact that he loves Harry.

June 1991

The phone rings shrilly in the living room, waking Louis from a dreamless sleep. He rolls out of
bed and gropes his way to the phone and picks up the receiver.

"Hello? Louis here.” he says, his voice still hoarse from sleeping.

"YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED" it yells at him. Louis Brain, which is not yet
awake, cannot recognize the voice and so he asks, puzzled, "Who is it?"

"NIALL! MATE, I WILL BE A SUPERSTAR” it continues to cheer from the receiver, which
Louis is now holding away from his ear. He rubs his eyes sleepily and tries to register what Niall is
telling him.

"Can you please stop screaming and tell me what's going on?" he asks, picking up the phone and
hoping the cord will reach the sofa. It's definitely too early to be yelled at. The cord is long enough
and so he lies down comfortably on the sofa, cuddles up in a blanket, to listen to Niall.

"Sorry, but I'm SO EXCITED!" Niall's voice goes up an octave again. "Well, Harry and I were in a
bar here in Manchester a few days ago and were singing songs together. Oh god you don't even
know that we do gigs, do you?” Niall pauses.

"Uhm... yes... my mother mentioned it once," Louis admits quietly.

"Oh okay...well, apparently there was a talent scout there or something and then he approached us
that evening and we signed the contract last night. We'll sing our own songs and I hope we’ll make
it big. Omg I can't believe it myself” Niall babbles excitedly.

"Wow... that's... congratulations," says Louis. God how he would like to be with Harry, hug him as
his partner and celebrate the success with him. He swallows and tries to focus on Niall's joy.

"It feels like a dream mate, I can't believe it," Niall sighs happily.

"Don't forget me when you're rich and famous," Louis tries to joke, although he doesn't feel like it.
He rubs his eyes and tries to wipe his tiredness away.

"Never Louis! Keep your fingers crossed that we make the breakthrough and then you will get a
VIP ticket for our first concert"

"I don't know if Harry would like this idea so much," Louis murmurs.

"Mhmmm... maybe we should just drop the subject Harry." Niall falters briefly only to then
happily exclaim again "But you'll definitely get a signed CD"

"I'll keep it in honor, Nialler"

For the next few minutes, Niall is just happy and tells him about his label and the wild night of
partying while Louis only listens with one ear and can really only think of Harry. Has his voice
gotten deeper over the years? Is he as happy as Niall? And if so, who is he sharing it with? Who is
holding him instead of Louis?

Niall seems to notice that he has lost Louis and they both end the conversation on a friendly note.

Louis sighs and carelessly puts the phone down next to him. Mixed feelings flow through him. The
joy for both, he begrudges them from the heart and yet again the longing sets in. He will watch
their career with smiling and crying eyes. All the emotions make him nervous and he can't lie still,
gotta do something. His thoughts wander briefly to his blades, but Louis quickly shakes it off and
starts pacing the apartment. Goes to the kitchen, maybe making tea will distract him. He's trying
hard not to think about it anymore. Because in addition to the joy and the longing, there is now also
the realization that if both make it big, he cannot hide from the news or Harry's voice on the radio.
Each time it will tear a new little hole in his heart. Louis runs with his fingers through his hair, it
should just stop. He just wants to finally be able to forget or at least get over it. It's not easy to live
like this, but Louis doesn't know what to do. How do you turn off love? His hands are shaking so
that the cup he was holding falls out of his hand. What just a phone call can trigger, Louis finds it
terrifying. Liam, awakened by the impact of the broken cup which is lying in front of Louis' feet,
looks sleepily around the corner.

"You okay Louis?" he asks, dressed only in his underpants and his hair disheveled from sleep.
Louis just stares at him. Finally walking towards him quickly, his hand on Liam's chest he pushes
him backwards. Out of the kitchen and through the living room to Liam's room.
"Louis, what are you doing?" Liam laughs, but quickly realizes how serious he is. He stumbles
more than he walks, Louis in full control of every step he takes backwards.

"I want to fuck you. Let me forget for a moment” says Louis without emotion. It's better than
cutting yourself again, Louis thinks.

"Why? Wha-..." Liam asks in surprise while Louis pushes him onto the bed.

"We'll talk afterwards." Louis murmurs while he already lunges at him, sitting legs apart on Liam.
Liam stays silent and gives his best friend what he needs. Diversion. He knows Louis is dealing
with his pain in an unhealthy way, but that's how he is and Liam accepts it.

Afterwards, Louis is actually calmer, more burned out, and he can tell Liam the news while
holding him and, as always, reassuring him that eventually everything will be fine.

August 1991

The hot August sun is beating down and Louis is sitting on a bench in Hyde Park with his notebook
looking for inspiration for his latest project. He's so uncreative right now. He does well with songs
about heartbreak and lost love, but finds it difficult to come up with fun and imaginative ideas for
commercial jingles. It doesn't suit his mood. Three days ago Harry and Niall's first single hit the
radio. They both call themselves 'No judgment' and their first single is called 'Meet me in the
Hallway'. It's a sad and slow song, both voices harmonize perfectly and the lyrics are bittersweet.
Louis immediately asked himself who of the two wrote the song and if it was Harry, was he
thinking of him? Was he meant when Harry sang "hoping you'll come around" or "maybe we'll
work it out"? Or did he end up with Amy or any other partners he might have in mind? Since then,
his thoughts have been constantly circling, he never comes to rest. New hope is blooming in him
that Harry will miss him years later as well and hopes for a second chance. But wouldn't he have
contacted Louis long ago? Louis taps fast and nervously on his notebook with the end of his pen.
The sound only makes him more anxious, but he's restless and doesn't know how to cope. The
evening after he heard the song on the radio it was so bad that he picked up the blade again. Many
small new wounds adorn his arm. He presses on the fresh cuts with his thumb and the pain
coursing through his arm slowly calms him down. He takes a few deep breaths in and out. It's as if
he couldn't escape from Harry anymore. Before that he at least got through the days well and only
admitted the longing in the evening in bed. But now it's like it was just after the breakup. Harry has
completely taken over his thoughts again. With a lump in his throat, he looks for his pack of
cigarettes and lights one. He slowly takes a puff and blows out the smoke for a long time. He has to
find a solution. Something that distracts him, something that occupies him. So that he can escape
from it all. But Louis has no idea. Neither does an advertising jingle come to him, nor does he have
a clear idea of what he could do. He feels like he's going insane. Or he probably already is. Who
has been mourning their ex boyfriend for so long? Louis shakes his head at himself. He decides to
go home to Liam and brainstorm with him. Better than sitting alone in the park. And he also
decides to call Jay in the evening, his mother still gives the best advice and after every call he feels
a little lighter.

It's September 28, 1991

and it's been another year without Harry.
His heart is heavy.
 Chapter 14

XIV

January 1993

"Hi Boo, nice of you to call," says Jay in a weak voice, answering the phone after the tenth ring.
Louis was getting nervous, what if she gets worse? Jay was diagnosed with leukemia a year ago
and Louis has been stressed and nervous ever since. Every day he calls his mother to see how she’s
doing or she contacts him herself. Louis didn't want Jay to spend her final months in the hospital so
he puts most of the money he earns from songwriting into a hospice service and nurses look after
her every day.

"Hey Mum, how are you today?" Louis asks directly, neither of them acts as if everything is fine
and Jay knows how much the illness burdens Louis. Louis suspects that she often downplays it
because she doesn't want him to spend his life worrying about her. The diagnosis came as a shock
to both of them and Louis can't imagine life without his mother. The mere thought of it makes him
shiver every time. She’s his best friend, always the anchor in his life.

"I’ve had better days...I'm very tired and have a bit of temperature," Jay admits quietly.

"Is the nursing staff taking good care of you? Do you want me to come home?” and Louis can't
help but let his panic creep into his voice. But Louis is currently working on various songs with an
artist for his upcoming album. He was lucky and ended up being a professional songwriter by
accident. He was present while filming a commercial with a well-known musician. The singer
accidentally saw the lyrics of Louis that he was working on in the break and asked him to write
with him. And since then more and more stars have come to him and asked for help in writing their
songs. He loves to put all his emotions and those of the artists into words. It's something that fills
him up.

"No, stay in London. Let's talk on the phone tomorrow, I want to sleep a bit.” Jay asks and Louis
hears how tired and quiet his mother's voice is. It brings tears to his eyes. If only he could do
anything!

"Ok mom, I'll call you again tomorrow. Have a nice rest” and his voice is already shaking
dangerously. Pull yourself together Louis!

"Greetings to Liam. I love you my baby” Jay says softly and before Louis can reply she has already
hung up. Louis hangs up the phone and let the tears come, his shoulders twitching slightly from his
sobs and he feels so miserable. Liam comes out of his room and comforts him directly.

"Jay?" he only asks while stroking his back and Louis just hang his head.

"She’s not doing so well today. The bad days are meanwhile more than the good..." Louis finally
answers and wipes the tears from his face. Liam just looks pitying. What is there to say? The
doctors have given no hope for a cure, both know that these are the last few months and Louis is
plagued by the bad conscience that he doesn't manage to go to Manchester and be with her more
often. But the work takes him in and Jay has made Louis promise that he lives his dream and is not
constantly with his sick mother, for whom there is no hope anyway.
And often Louis is actually grateful for the distraction he gets from his work. In his free time,
Liam and Louis are gay rights activists. Louis joined the London movement and Liam also had his
out coming with his friends and family six months ago. Louis is more than proud of him. Both fight
fervently for more rights and recognition. It's good to stand up for yourself. They both joined
OutRage!, the most prominent gay rights direct action group in the UK.

After years, Louis finally has the feeling of finding something more of the old Louis again in
himself. His heart still belongs to Harry, but the deep sadness of the early years has given way to a
drowsy and numb feeling. He accepts it. Liam still keeps urging him to start dating again and he
actually tried for the sake of him a few months ago and it was absolutely horrifying. Louis didn't
even knew what to talk to his date, the man was older than him and so different from Harry and
Louis was constantly afraid that at some point it would bubble out of him and he’d say exactly that
to his date. After a few awkward attempts of a conversation he pretended to have a stomach ache
from their dinner and went home quickly. At that time he was so upset that he first cut himself and
then fucked Liam. He still hasn't found a healthy way to deal with stress and tension. Since then,
the topic has been completely over for him and he no longer even reacts when Liam carefully
suggests it again, just looking at him with a raised brow or rolls his eyes.

March 1993

Louis seethes with anger. He throws the tabloid angrily on the kitchen table, turns and paces the
apartment snorting, only to come back and give the headline a frustrated look.

Singer Harry Styles (21) in love with supermodel Claudia Schiffer (22). Everything you need to
know about the new dream couple!

Below is a picture of the two holding hands. Harry has his hand in front of his face to protect
himself from the flashbulbs of the paparazzi while Claudia looks down with a shy smile. Harry's
hair is slightly longer than it was when he started his career with Niall, when he wore his curls like
he was 16. Now they are shoulder length and gelled backwards. Louis looks at him for a long time,
he's grown up, a young, successful man, together with Niall he's always has number one hits or at
least in the top ten. The calls from Niall have become fewer and fewer with growing success and
have now completely subsided. It's better for Louis, since their songs are constantly playing on the
radio stations, he doesn't need yet another reminder of what he's lost. Most of the time he ignores
new headlines and rarely listens to the radio but this morning, while shopping at the grocery, he
caught a glimpse of the newspaper and when he looked closer he couldn't help but buy it. Louis
knows that he’s masochistic.

As his gaze wanders over the pretty model, the anger begins to rise again, it spreads through his
body like flames. So now she's touching Harry's soft skin and his most intimate parts. She kisses
his soft lips. But the anger rises on Harry as well. He seems to have a type of woman. Blonde, slim
and with a more doll-like face. First Amy and now Claudia. And Louis? How was he ever going to
keep up with that? Too small, not pretty enough, arms full of scars and a broken heart. Harry traded
him for a blond girl back then. He was never linked to a man after Louis. He is a coward, as a
successful singer he could stand up for his community, draw attention to the lack of rights, fight
with them. But not even a word about being bisexual in all the interviews (which Louis of course
doesn't follow at all). Maybe Louis was also a mistake back then for him? Maybe he took him out
of pity. The poor new guy from Donny who doesn't know anyone. At this point he is questioning
everything. And he's angry at himself. That he can't finally forget him and live a life with a new
man. Louis secretly misses being loved and being in love. Sex with Liam is ok but he wants to feel
that union again when you slip into the love of your life.

But Harry prefers to slip into a pussy instead, Louis thinks in disgust, picking up the newspaper
and throwing it in the trash.

He vows not to think about Harry anymore at this point. He died for him. He'll fuck Liam as long
as he lets him and just focus on his mom and his career. "Fuck you Harry," he mumbles bitter. He
takes his cigarettes and the six pack of beer that's in the fridge and he doesn't care that it's only 11
o'clock in the morning. He's going to get drunk now, cry one more time, and then he won't dedicate
his life to Harry anymore.

June 1993

It's June 19th and London is hosting the annual Gay Pride March through central London. Liam
and Louis are both joining it. Together they carry a big banner in front of them that says GAY
RIGHTS NOW and they keep smiling at each other. This is so good, he's so proud to experience
this with his best friend. There are many people on the street, couples who proudly kiss again and
again and new friendships are made. He sometimes catches glimpses of spectators standing on the
sidewalk glaring at the parade with disgust or anger. In these moments, he always pulls Liam close
and gives him a quick kiss on the mouth, just to annoy them. Liam often laughs, always finds
Louis' cheeky manner amusing and Louis himself carries his head a little higher afterwards.

In the evening both are in a gay bar and end the day with a beer. Sweaty from the warm June day
and the sun on their heads all day, the alcohol seems stronger for both of them and after the fourth
beer they are already drunk. They sit side by side on the bar stools and giggle at something
nonsensical Liam just said. As with his first tattoo, Louis comes up with the idea of a new tattoo in
his drunken state.

"Liam! I want a new tattoo!” Louis slurred while resting his head on his shoulder.

"Oh no, what is it with you and your drunken ideas?" says Liam while clumsily patting his head.

"They’re always my best ideas. Call your buddy tomorrow and ask if he's free,” Louis murmurs
and nestles on Liam's neck. The alcohol and the aftermath of the demo make him tired and cuddly.

"Will you tell me what it's supposed to be?"

“A 28 on my fingers. If you let me fuck you at home later, I'll tell you the meaning.” Louis lifts his
head and looks at Liam with a mischievous grin. Liam laughs out loud.

"There are several meanings? Why are you only telling me one?”

"A man needs his secrets, Payno" says Louis and puts his head back and closes his eyes. He's
enjoying this state so much right now. His brain fuzzy, his body tired and in the company of his
best friend. Meanwhile, Liam takes the last sip from his bottle and calls the bartender to pay for
both of them. Then he gently pinches Louis' waist as a sign to get up and that they’re going home
now.

The next morning when both wake up in Louis bed and the sun shines bright through the curtains,
Liam asks
"You owe me an explanation for your new tattoo"

“Among the other thing, it stands for Section 28 and that we stand up against it. I wear it as a
memorial for what it means to us. And I will proudly wear it as a big fuck you.” explains Louis in
an even more tired voice.

"Wow... I like the idea." Liam replies and Louis only mumbles something unintelligible.

"Shall I make us breakfast?" asks Liam, a total morning person and always full of energy as soon as
he wakes up.

"Let me sleep, it's still too early to get up," Louis grins with his eyes closed and pushes Liam out of
bed with one hand. Liam shakes his head in amusement at his best friend and stands up.

While Louis continues to sleep, he calls his friend and arranges a meeting for this afternoon to
make Louis' tattoo idea come true.

That evening, Louis sits alone in his room, looking at the 2 on his middle finger and the 8 on his
ring finger. He wasn't lying when he told Liam it was a section 28 protest. But now, privately, he's
pondering the other meaning as well. It was September 28th when he met Harry and no matter how
angry Louis is at him now, he will always remember that date. This date shaped him, all of this is a
big part of his life and he’s proud of the fact that although he left this relationship broken, he gets
up every day and somehow lives on with his life. But he has also vowed not to think about Harry
anymore and so he pushes aside every memory that tries to come up in his mind. It’s enough, with
this new tattoo comes a realization. It's an end. He kind of let's Harry go. And even if he should sit
there lonely as an old man, for once in his life he loved in a way that some others are never going
to feel. He’s grateful that he was able to experience this in his life. He had almost a year with the
love of his life and it wasn't long enough, no, but he was happy. And who knows what life has in
store for him?

He takes one last long look at the 28 and decides to call Jay again, hoping she's better today and not
waking her up. He walks into the living room only to find Liam reading a book with soft music
playing in the background. How ironic it is that 'Wicked game' by Chris Isaac is playing. Now that
he's made his peace with all of this. Louis leans against the door frame and briefly listens to the
lyrics of the song. In his worst phase after the breakup it could also have been something he
would’ve written:

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you
With you

(This world is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way

What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, ye never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you

Liam eventually notices Louis standing in the doorway and looks up from his book. In order not to
startle Louis, who is still listening with his eyes closed, he whispers, "Everything okay?"

Louis slowly opens his eyes and a slight smile plays around his mouth. "Yes Liam, everything is
fine" and for the first time in a long time he means it. He goes to the phone and dials his mother's
number while Liam disappears into his room to give him privacy while he's on the phone.

Unfortunately, Jay doesn't answer, only her nursing staff, who tells Louis that she's already asleep.
The disease is eating away at her and she is getting weaker. Louis quietly thanks for the
information and hangs up with a heavy sadness. It seems like there is always drama and heartbreak
and his life. When will Louis ever rest? Completely happy? He hopes that life has something good
in store for him in the future.

It's September 28th, 1993

and it's been another year without Harry. His heart is heavy.

As every year, he allows himself to bathe in his pain, just one last time.
 Chapter 15

XV

November 1994

Louis stands in front of his mirror and looks at himself. He’s wearing a dark blue suit and a white
shirt underneath, he has gelled his hair sideways but something is still missing.

Today he’s with Liam and the other LGBTQ activists at a charity event organized by their
movement. Lectures are to be given, and the OutRage! also invited a musical act to get more
exposure from the straight people and media. The organizers haven't told anyone who it is, it's
meant to be a surprise for everyone. After such a secret is made of it, Louis suspects a musician
like Elton John. Liam guesses Village People and they have a bet that whoever is right owes the
other a blowjob. Louis has to grin as he thinks about how both of them laid on the sofa and
pondered who it could be, the most absurd ideas came up until both of them just laughed holding
their bellies and then decided on the win of bet, which they didn't find any less funny.

Louis gets an idea of what little accessory is perfect for the occasion and he rummages through his
drawer with odds and ends until he finally finds it. His rainbow button from his school days, which
Jay gave him back then. Memories of his mother flood him immediately and he quickly pushes
every thought of her aside because otherwise he wouldn't make it to the event, but would bury
himself in his bed crying. He pins the button on his jacket at the height of his heart and is finally
pleased with his sight.

He makes his way to Liam's room, but he’s already waiting for him in the hallway.

"Ready?" he asks, grinning broadly and Louis grins back and nods.

"Absolutely. Let's find out who wins the bet" Louis winks and they both start walking outside. The
streets of London are full of people, many walking in the same direction and they’re meeting some
of the other activists along the way. Everyone is in a good mood and looking forward to the
evening. Arriving in front of the hall, where the event is taking place, the group looks at the huge
rainbow flag that is mounted above the entrance. There are already a few reporters and some of the
activists who are handing out rainbow flags, people are bustling everywhere, unfortunately also a
few assholes who bawl hate slogans from the other side of the street with horrible banners. Louis
tugs at Liam's jacket and nods his head towards the entrance, he doesn't want to let these people
spoil his mood and prefers to have a nice evening with like-minded people in the hall. Liam nods
and they walk off, both get handed a rainbow flag and enter the hall. Inside, too, everything is
decorated in the colors of the LGBTQ community and they look at everything proudly.

They push their way through the many participants and get a colorful cocktail. The two strike up
conversations with each other until Founder Keith Alcorn steps up to the microphone on stage and
asks for silence. The murmuring of those present subsides, only the clicking of the cameras of the
reporters present can be heard.

Everyone listens to the impressive speech in which he again demands the same rights as
heterosexual people and asks for more educational work against homophobia. He concludes by
saying that it’s finally time to affirm the right of queer people to their sexual freedom, choice and
self-determination. Everyone in attendance applauds loudly and Louis takes a quick look at his 28
tattoo, hoping it’ll all make a difference in the near future. Keith briefly explains the course of the
evening, the other Founders Chris Woods, Simon Watney and Peter Tatchell will also give
speeches and the musical surprise will come at the end.

Between the speeches, the DJ plays music by queer artists or songs that are important to the
community, and while Gloria Gaynor's 'I will survive' is playing, Liam and Louis dance together.
They sing along at the top of their lungs and toast each other with what is now their third cocktail.
Louis feels so alive and free, both dance close together, wiggling their hips and Louis even goes so
far as to dance lasciviously down on Liam. When Liam trips over his own feet, Louis quickly
catches him with his body and hugs him. Both laugh out loud, Louis shakes it so much with
laughter that he throws his head back and holds his stomach. After that he hugs Liam again who
also giggles and when he looks over his shoulder his eyes meet with the last person he expected to
be here.

Harry

Louis freezes. Harry stares at him with an expressionless face and when Louis lets his gaze wander
further, he sees that he is holding Claudia Schiffer by his hand, who doesn't seem to notice
anything and lets her gaze wander through the hall with interest. Liam notices the changed
behavior immediately and looks around searchingly. As he follows Louis' gaze, he gasps and
immediately looks at his best friend with concern.

"Louis, what is he doing here?" Liam asks, notching his arm.

"I dont know. But that he comes to such an event with his chick is probably the worst thing he
could do,” says Louis angrily. "I'm going to the toilet...I...I have to get out of here for a moment,"
Louis stammers.

"Shall I come with you?" asks Liam worried.

"No...I need a moment to myself," Louis shakes his head and pushes his way through the crowd at
the same moment.

He had gotten over Harry as best he could, whenever thoughts came to him he had suppressed them
directly for the last few months. He had put his picture from his wallet into the farthest corner of a
drawer with the other picture of them and Harry's old letters. After all these years he had finally
managed to shake off the sadness and with just one look the walls he had built around it all started
to shake and threaten to crumble. It’s not fair.

Anger and desperation spread through him and he is grateful when he finally reaches the toilet.
Louis goes to the sink and splashes water on his face, hoping it will help him think more clearly.
He fights back the tears with all his might and lets out a short sob. Louis looks around to make sure
the cabins are free and no one can hear him and then allows himself to shed a few tears. Just as he
is wiping away the traces of his emotional chaos with his hand, the door opens. Louis looks up
startled and his heart stops for a moment. It's Harry, who quickly closes the door again.

"So this is where you've been hiding," Harry murmurs, looking at him curiously and eyeing him as
if he's seeing him for the first time.

Louis scoffs and glares at him. “You should go back to your Claudia. She must miss you terribly,”
he says snidely.

Harry looks down with a guilty grimace and Louis doesn't know why or how to interpret it. For a
year, the two have been treated as a dream couple and the tabloids are already reporting sources
saying that Harry wants to marry her. Louis watches him run his long fingers through his hair, the
curls from back then aren't as wild as they used to be, they fall in waves around his more masculine
face. He looks stunning in a fitted suit that flatters his now quite muscular frame. It seems there
isn't much left of the 16-year-old Harry from back then. Louis' thoughts are interrupted when Harry
suddenly looks up with a self-infuriated look. "You seem to have been having fun with your
boyfriend on the dance floor yourself. You moved on him like a whore…“

Louis gasps. Is he out of his fucking mind? To call him a whore? Louis' wires are blown and he
strides towards him, grabbing Harry by the collar of his shirt and pushing him against the door.

"Why are you talking about me like that? You of all people? Who left me back then for someone
else? Now that I'm finally done with you, you do have the nerve to show up here? To an event for
the community with your blonde doll?” Louis hisses and stares into Harry's green eyes, which look
startled. He flinched slightly at every word Louis barked at him, and it satisfies Louis in a way he
never would have thought possible. Both breathe rapidly, becoming aware of the closeness of their
bodies.

"I've never forgotten you Lou," Harry finally whispers. And Louis laughs out loud, this statement
is so absurd.

"I don't believe a word you say," he finally says, looking back into Harry's eyes to emphasize how
serious he is. Harry had many years to come forward if that had been the case. But nothing.

"Maybe you believe me now," Harry murmurs, letting his gaze wander to Louis' lips and before he
can react, Harry has grabbed his face with both hands and presses his full lips to his mouth. Time
stands still. Louis forgets to breathe, it's like coming home to the warmth after a long walk through
a snowstorm, it tastes like the first rays of spring sunshine, it fills the little holes in his heart like a
clue. As Harry finds his way into his mouth with his tongue, Louis suddenly comes to himself and
pushes him away. Not forgotten are the painful years and how Harry broke his heart.

"What are you doing?" asks Louis breathlessly as he presses both hands against Harry's chest,
keeping him at a distance.

"I'm taking back what's mine," Harry whispers, grabbing his wrists to pull him close.

"Hah!" escapes Louis sarcastically, his eyes shining with tears that arise from a mixture of anger
burning inside him and the old feelings. "I haven't been yours for a long time. You made sure of
that,” he continues hissing.

But Harry doesn't seem to care about Louis' protest, he grabs his hips hard with one hand and with
the other gripping his wrist tightly, he pulls him close again. And Louis is weak. So weak for
Harry. He always will be. Secretly he loves the way he’s manhandling him and let Harry kiss him
hungrily again. Louis is addicted and Harry has always been his drug. He kisses him back with all
his might, still firmly gripped, takes what Harry gives him. Tongues fighting in their mouths,
breathing gets faster and Louis wants more. Not only is Louis' cock now painfully pressing against
his suit trousers, he can also feel Harry's erection. Harry, who senses that Louis is no longer
making any moves to break the kiss, lets him go and pulls him directly with both hands on his back
against him, gently stroking every part of Louis that he can reach. And Louis uses his new freedom
to explore everything that has changed on Harry's body with his hands. Gone are the love handles,
his abs and pecs hard under his fingers. Louis groans loudly as Harry slides his hands over his ass
and pinches tightly.

"You like that, don't you?" Harry breathes and Louis doesn't know what happened to his shy boy
from back then, when he possessively kisses, bite and suck down Louis' neck. Louis is at a loss for
words but Harry doesn't seem to care, he's in charge here and seems to be enjoying himself. He
ends the kiss when he briefly sucks in Louis' lower lip and releases it with a loud plop. Louis
whimpers, suffering from the loss of his full lips on his own, but Harry looks at him with eyes fiery
and hungry.

"You're going with me to my hotel room later, and then I'll show you how serious I am," Harry
clarifies and Louis can only nod. Who is he kidding? As if he would resist this or even wanted to.

"Why not now?" Louis just asks and tries to readjust his hard cock in the tight hug and get the
swelling to go down.

"I have a gig with Niall," Harry replies while stroking Louis' cheek.

"YOU are the Music Act?!" Louis exclaims in surprise and Harry just nods. "I'll come pick you up
after the performance, wait for me at the entrance. Got it?” Harry assures.

Everything seems so surreal to Louis that he just nods again. Harry leans in and gives him a quick
kiss and before he knows it, Louis is alone again in the toilet, his hard-on still visible as he looks
down at himself. It feels like a dream and he doesn't understand what just happened here. He goes
back to the sink, catches cool water from the faucet with his hands and wets his face. He stares at
himself in the mirror, seeing his lips swollen from hungry kisses, the slightly flushed skin around
his mouth from Harry's stubble, strands of his gelled hair loose and hanging over his forehead.

He forbids himself to think about what he and Harry are going to do in his hotel room afterwards.
What it could lead to or how broken he will probably come out of this situation. His cock has now
gone back to normal size, he sighs one last time, nods to himself in the mirror and leaves the toilet
and looks for Liam in the crowd. He finds him talking to another man, both seeming to be flirting
as Liam has his hand on his upper arm and the man himself is seeking physical contact with Liam.
Louis doesn't want to bother him for long and just quickly pulls Liam aside to tell him that he'll be
leaving with Harry later and that he doesn't need to worry. The other man gives him an irritated
look and Louis quickly lets Liam go back to his flirting.

As he gets himself a new cocktail to calm his nerves, he hears 'No Judgment' being announced. He
quickly grabs his glass and stands at the edge of the crowd, near the entrance, where he still has
everything in view. It's the first time he sees both of them live and he takes a sip at the straw. First
the band of the two comes on stage, then Niall with his guitar and finally Harry. People cheer,
cameras flash and Louis just stands there, unable to react. They stand at their microphones and
Niall starts talking with a big grin. "Hello, nice to see you all. It's beautifully colorful here,” he
says, letting his gaze wander around the hall, a few of the people wave with their little rainbow
flags. "Today we play our latest song for you. Harry and I wrote it together, each throwing in a bit
of our own story. Enough words, let's have fun” he finishes and the people cheer again. 'No
Judgment' has become an integral part of the music market and they continue to be successful.
Louis shifts his gaze from Niall to Harry who stands there grinning at Niall's words, charmingly
winning over a few men and women in the audience. Louis has to admit he has a charismatic stage
presence. His beauty does the rest.

The band begins to play and both begin to sing the verses alternately only harmonizing beautifully
in the chorus. Louis keeps sipping his drink and listening to the lyrics.

Because if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you

Drive highways and byways to be there with you

Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you

You still make me nervous when you walk in the room

The butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you

Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
And I know that it's wrong
That I can't move on
But there's something about you

With the line "that I can't move on" Louis sucks in his breath harshly, a well-known pain tears
through his heart again and his hand grips the glass tightly. As if Harry sensed it, their eyes met
from the distance and he gives him a barely visible nod. Louis quickly looks away, not wanting
Harry to see how hurt he still is. The last year seems a lie, all the feelings simmering inside him
show him with all force that he was never over Harry.

When the song ends, both thank the audience and the DJ takes over the musical entertainment
again.

Before Louis knows it, Harry is at his side, taking his hand and pulling him outside. Before the
paparazzi waiting outside can take a picture of this, he quickly lets go of them and nods to a taxi
that is waiting on the side of the road for potential customers. They rush past the photographers
and quickly close the car door. Harry gives the driver the address of his hotel. Louis still doesn't
understand how this evening could have ended like this and sits silently next to Harry who presses
his leg tightly against him. Harry searches for his hand and when he finds it in the dark car, he
grips it tightly in his. Louis gives him a quick look and then let it slide to their hands. His
nervousness increases immeasurably, he no longer knows what he should and is allowed to feel,
how much of himself can he reveal to Harry again?

He fishes in his jacket for his pack of cigarettes and quickly pulls one out. Harry watches him in
silence and as Louis takes the first long drag and blows the smoke out the crack in the window he
starts to calm down a bit. He looks out the window and watches parts of London pass him by, his
thoughts circling.

What if Harry just wants a one night stand? And what about his girlfriend? Did he fuck her in the
hotel room he is now inviting Louis to? How is he supposed to survive if after this night Harry
disappears from his life again?

Just as he's blowing out the smoke again, Harry whispers softly, "I hear you thinking Lou." He
looks at Harry and just shrugs. Harry smiles softly at him and combined with his cigarette it calms
him without understanding why. But Harry's eyes look at him so honestly and his smile has always
been what made Louis happy. He flicks the cigarette out the window and leans back, closes his
eyes and feels his heart beating wildly. It hasn't felt like this for many years.

When they finally pull up in front of Harry's hotel, the Rosewood, they get out and Harry takes
Louis' hand again, this time not letting go. The pair quickly rush inside and through the hotel
corridors. Harry fishes the key out of his pocket and pulls Louis into his suite. He doesn't have
much time to look around as Harry is right on him. His lips claim Louis's mouth like it's always
been his, his hands grab his thighs and he picks Louis up. Louis' body responds naturally and he
wraps his legs around him and crosses them behind Harry's back. They pick up where they left off
in the toilet. Harry takes complete possession of him, physically and mentally. And Louis lets him,
with all he is - he welcomes him, allows himself these rays of sunshine that pass through his
darkness of the last few years. Harry walks over to the bed with Louis, still kissing wildly, and
gently nudges him to lie right on top of him the next moment.

"God baby, I missed you so much," Harry breathes, and Louis briefly realizes that this is the first
time Harry has used a pet name for him, like ever. While Harry quickly frees himself and Louis
from their jackets and shirts and immediately starts kissing Louis' naked upper body, Louis cannot
stop his tears. His brain can't process all this, the pet name itself has touched him so much that he
couldn't even put it into words. It seems as if the roles this time have been reversed. Harry isn't shy
anymore, he's totally into it, he calls Louis baby and it's everything Louis secretly wished for back
then. That Harry is braver and also shows him how important he is to him. As he lets out a soft sob,
Harry looks up at him, his gaze softening and he quickly swings up to Louis

"Shhh baby, everything is fine. Don't cry," he says quietly and gently, with his deep voice, and
Louis can only sob again and new tears find their way down his cheeks. Harry quickly wipes them
away with his thumb.

"We'll talk later, but first I want to show you what you mean to me. Always meant, okay Lou?” he
asks to make sure he doesn't go against his will.

"Split me open, destroy me, I want to feel you." Louis babbles, the arousal and all the feelings
make it difficult for him to think clearly.

"I won't destroy you, I'll make you whole again. Trust me,” Harry breathes as he kisses his mouth
passionately only to slide back down onto Louis. Louis' thoughts fall silent, he only feels how
every caress and every kiss burns into his skin.

The shy Harry from back then has become a passionate lover. He teases Louis with his mouth as he
sucks his hard cock, sliding his fingers over his rim and Louis just moans to himself. Clutching the
sheets, he's so overwhelmed with Harry's tongue running over his slit over and over again that
Louis is just at the brink of an orgasm after a short time.

"I'm going to finger you open now and you'll come by my cock alone, ok babe?" Harry asks as he
releases him and opens the lube. Louis didn't even realize when and where he got it. Louis
nervousness comes back again. He has never received, has always been on top. When he doesn't
answer Harry, he lays himself back down over Louis, enveloping him like a blanket of just naked
body. "What is it Lou? Tell me,” he pleads while running his index finger across his lower lip.

"I've never been a bottom, I...please don't hurt me," Louis whispers, hoping Harry understands he
doesn't mean the physical pain. But that he has to be careful with his soul and his heart. Louis
surrenders to him like never before or for any other man.

"Never again," Harry says firmly, his eyes searching his, their gazes locking. It's like he's lost in a
dark forest, green eyes darker with lust than usual, and Louis needy pulls him in to kiss him
lovingly. He missed him so much. Harry's muscular heavy body feels so good on him, his kisses
are breathing life back into him and he can't wait for Harry to dive into him. Louis has already seen
that Harry is covered in tattoos by now, he plans to study them more closely later, but now he can't
think of anything else to feel full, full of Harry, finally after all these years. Harry begins to open
him finger by finger and the first slight uncomfortable pain gives way to a good pleasurable
feeling. They both kiss open-mouthed and Louis runs his hand through Harry's hair over and over
again. How he missed the soft curls between his fingers.

"I'm ready Harry," Louis groans as Harry slides his long finger over his spot again. He can't and
doesn't want to wait any longer. Harry kisses the tip of his nose and quickly puts a condom on. He
rolls back onto Louis, making space between his legs. As he slowly enters him, he kisses Louis
gently, slides to his ear which he nibbles lightly and whispers "So tight for me my Lou."
It sends goose bumps all over Louis' body and they both move slowly. Louis enjoys it, loves how
Harry splits him open like he wanted it, he feels finally whole again after a long time. It should
have always been like this. LouisandHarry . His heart is beating wildly in his chest, so alive, the
pulse pounding in his ears as Harry picks up the pace. He grabs Louis tightly by the waist with one
hand and rams into him, always looking at Louis to make sure he’s not uncomfortable. He stares at
him in wonder as if he can't believe he has Louis under him. Light beads of sweat form on Harry's
forehead and Louis has never found him more beautiful. It's a wild, grown-up, raw version of the
love of his life.

Louis never thought giving up control in bed could feel so good. He wants to be manhandled, to be
turned inside and out, and to be fucked so he forgets all the pain of the last few years. As he feels
his orgasm forming, his movements become more franatic, he calls out Harry's name, tosses his
head and Harry just murmurs "That's it babe, right there, come for me."

As he thrusts his cock into him in quick movements, Louis comes between them with a loud groan,
he runs his fingernails in ecstasy down Harry's back, which will surely leave scratches as a
reminder of their night.

After a few more thrusts, Harry cums inside him too, Louis loves the feeling his cock pumping
inside him. Both of them hold onto each other for dear life, their bodies shaking and their breaths
mixing as they sink into a long kiss.

Louis is dizzy, his vision is blurred, he can't remember the last time he enjoyed sex so much. His
eyes close without being able to do anything about it. He notices Harry slipping out of him, wiping
them both off with a towel and snuggling into him. It feels like coming home, in the arms of his
love he enjoys drifting over to sleep. His last thought is that he hopes Harry will still be with him
tomorrow when he wakes up.
 Chapter 16
Chapter Notes

TW: mention of death and self harm

XVI

The early rays of sunshine, which fall through the half-open curtains, tickle his nose and Louis
slowly wakes up. The first thing he feels is a warm body pressing against his back from behind, the
second is a big hand lying on his heart. Harry.

So that really happened yesterday. He slowly opens his eyes and turns around in the embrace. Tired
eyes are already looking at him and the sight takes Louis' breath away. Harry's hair hangs in soft
waves over his face, his lips are parted slightly and his eyes are bright green in the soft morning
light. Both are silent and each one is looking at the other in wonder, Louis somehow brings his
fingers to Harry's cheek and gently strokes it. He has to make sure he's not dreaming this. Harry
catches his fingers in the motion with his hand and lays it over Louis' hand. An almost synchronous
sigh escapes from both mouths. Harry moves his face closer and kisses Louis gently, so tenderly,
he almost doesn't feel it.

"Good morning," Harry says quietly, snuggling even closer to him.

"What are we actually doing here? Don’t you have a girlfriend?” Louis asks just as quietly. Oh
god, he's the affair. Or a one night stand. No matter how you twist and turn it, it stays shit. Louis
panics, that’s not him. He doesn't want to be that person. Not even for Harry. He sits up quickly
and has an escape reflex, but Harry immediately grabs him, throws him onto the mattress and rolls
over him.

"Don't run away baby. I'll explain everything to you," he says soothingly and nudges him with the
tip of his nose. Louis feels like he's in a parallel universe, he still can't figure out Harry calling him
baby or wanting him. And so he just nods but he feels how the walls around his beaten heart are
slowly rising again, he has to be careful and doesn't want to be hurt like that again back then.

"Claudia is fake.“ he says as if that explains everything and Louis doesn't know what to do with it.
What does this mean? He looks at him questioningly and Harry continues to explain. "I don't know
if you know about it, but at the beginning of our breakthrough there were rumors that I’m gay. I
was spotted dancing closely on the dance floor with a man at the time, but my management
immediately made sure that a reporter's photos quickly disappeared."

"Just like back then, it hasn't changed. You're still scared..." Louis murmurs, and the memories of
the pain and hurt from years ago come back full force. He finds himself emotionally closing
himself off from Harry and freezes. Harry looks at him worried and goes straight to the next
explanation. "No...at least not as you think. I had gotten to the point where I didn't care if anyone
saw me. But management called Niall and me into a meeting and made it clear that if we don't do
something about it and don't smother the rumors, we won't be successful. At first I was able to
defend myself against a beard, which by the way is what women or men who are used as fake
partners are called, so that one is not viewed as queer... I just held back and I've always made sure
that nobody saw me with men in public anymore. But then they insisted on it last year. They said it
would do my image good and increase the sales of our new album. Claudia herself also benefits
from this. But we're not together and we don't love each other"

Louis lets all of that sink in. Wow, he didn't get to know this part of the music industry in his
job. Anger rises in him and he decides at the next meeting of OutRage! to make that an issue.

"Lou, say something," Harry pleads as he begins to stroke his hair. Louis himself was so lost in his
thoughts that he forgot to answer. All the events of the last 12 hours have been a bit much and the
many different feelings in him make him nervous and scared. Once again he doesn't know how to
deal with it and he would rather lock himself in his bathroom at home and draw the blade over his
arms.

"I...I don't know what to say Harry," Louis stammers, his voice shaking. Without realizing it, he
scratches his arm with one hand, trying to provide an outlet for his confusion. Harry stops him
immediately and looks down at his arms. He swallows loudly and looks shocked into Louis' eyes.
"Baby... what have you done with your arms?" he whispers, tears welling in his eyes. Like when
Liam found out and he stood crying in front of him, Louis is now flooded with a bad conscience
and shame.

"It's nothing, just forget it Harry," Louis sighs and pulls his arm out of his grip, quickly turning his
head to the side to avoid seeing Harry's gaze. „You don’t have to be ashamed. But don’t do this to
yourself anymore. I’ll help you to stop or I don’t know…I do everything that you don’t feel the
need to cut yourself“ Harry whispers.

It's all too much. How does a person deal with all these feelings? Anger, confusion, guilt, fear and
love. And Louis begins to cry and sob loudly. He doesn't care that Harry sees him like that, he's not
the bubbly happy person he used to be. Harry wordlessly pulls Louis to him and is silent, just
rubbing his back repeatedly or cradling his head tightly against his chest, holding it there
protectively with one hand. Louis can't stop himself anymore, it's like a valve has been pulled and
he no longer has the power to stop everything flowing out of him. At some point he can only gasp,
his chest keeps tightening and he just wants his blade. It's unbearable, Harry holding him makes it
almost worse.

"Louis, you need to calm down. Please! Let's breathe together. Deep in and out” and he slowly
draws in the air and breathes it out again in a long puff. At first Louis doesn't manage to join in, but
eventually after many attempts it works and finally helps to calm his breathing. A headache from
all the crying spreads and new shame that Harry sees him like that. So vulnerable, so broken.

"I should go Harry. I...I don't know what you want from me and last night was beautiful but a
mistake...and..and...oh god, just look at me!” and Louis unwinds from Harry's hug, quickly
swinging out of bed. He pulls his hair as he absentmindedly searches for his clothes, doesn't even
know what he's doing there, he's beside himself. Harry himself is now sitting on the bed looking
pleadingly at Louis, his eyes so wide as he says

"I love you Louis".

Louis stops abruptly, his arms full of the clothes he's collected. "You know... for the first few years
after the breakup, I would’ve been so happy to hear those words again. Would have believed you
right away! But now...you can't say something like that to me out of nowhere years later. How… I
mean… where does that come from Harry?” he asks softly, staring at him. Harry quickly walks up
to him and hugs him but Louis just stands there stiffly with the clothes in front of him like a
protective wall. He inhales Harry's scent as he begins to speak softly.

"I've always loved you but I was too young and dumb...I thought I had to make a lot of experience
but I was so, so wrong. I've slept with a few women and men, but it never fulfilled me...it was
always you Lou"

And Louis feels how soft tears are falling on his head, how hard Harry's chest is heaving. "I've
never had the courage to tell you, I've been empty for the last few years... I've often hoped you'd
hear the lyrics of our songs and take the first step. I'm a coward Louis. And I'm so sorry"

Louis tears flow again. He drops the clothes and hugs Harry. It hurts him so much that Harry is
suffering, has suffered, but he can't forget what happened. What it did to himself.

"What do you want from me Harry? Do you want me to be your partner in the shadows again while
you're in a public relationship with Claudia? Harry...my heart is so shattered, I'm so broken...I'm
not the boy I used to be and I can't stand living like I used to in school," Louis sobs.

"I love every version of you, even the broken one. But I’ll mend your heart again. And I want a
relationship with you but... I need to talk to my management. I'm trapped in contracts" he babbles
and tries to convince Louis.

"Harry, I… this is all happening too fast for me and there are too many unanswered questions. I
need time.” Louis replies, looking up at Harry. He nods and says, "I'll give you all the time in the
world my Lou...and I'll fight for you." He leans down and kisses Louis passionately and he allows
himself to be completely absorbed in the kiss. Remembers the first time he kissed his young Harry
back then. The butterflies in his stomach who died years ago are trying out what it's like to fly for
the first time in years.

"Can we cuddle?" asks Louis as he breaks the kiss and Harry smiles so sweetly, dimples full on
display, and gently pulls him towards the bed. "Nothing better than that"

Harry lays down first and Louis quickly crawls over to him, burying his face in the crook of his
arm and resting one leg on Harry's. With a quick movement, Harry pulls the covers over both
bodies and Louis sighs in content. While Louis caresses Harry's stomach and feels the slight
hairiness under his fingers, Harry keeps kissing his hair lightly. It's so peaceful and for the first
time in years Louis feels again what it means to lie in the arms of his great love.

Louis lets his eyes wander over Harry, looks at the tattoos on his arm that are in his field of vision.
He sucks in a sharp breath as he discovers the ship from back then on his arm. He gently strokes it.
"You really got it tattooed," he murmurs, and he feels Harry nod. "In the first year after our break
up, I still had hope that we would find each other again...I had a compass tattooed as a counterpart
to your ship." Louis explains and points to his compass. Harry pulls his arm closer and silently
looks at the artwork on his skin. "I was hoping it would lead you home," Louis sighs.

"It seems to have worked," Harry replies, pulling him a little closer. "I'm not sure Harry...we'll see
what time brings," he replies quietly, closing his eyes.

He can't give himself fully to Harry yet and he doesn't know if he’ll ever be able to do it again. His
heart screams that he wants him completely, that he will never get out of this bed again, and if he
does, only with Harry in tow. But his mind advises caution, knowing that his heart is fragile and
the cracks it has borne can deepen. That he has to protect himself.

"What do your other tattoos mean?" Harry asks and Louis just shakes his head. "I'll tell you
sometime. See it as a suggestion that we don't lose sight of each other and you keep your promise
to fight for me" but can't help but smile. He looks up at Harry to see his reaction, but Harry just
smirks back and a light chuckle rumbles in his chest. "I'll never lose sight of you again, babe," he
finally says. And Louis wants to believe it so badly. "But what about yesterday's guy on the dance
floor? I don't rate you as a cheater… is he your boyfriend?” Harry asks, his eyes darkening. Louis
feels Harry tense beneath him, waiting for an explanation.

"This was Liam. My best friend. We fuck sometimes but that's all.” he says dryly, watching Harry
closely. His eyebrows draw together, a frown appears on his forehead and jealousy seems to flow
from every pore. Louis can actually feel it. But if this is ever going to work, they have to be honest.

"And do you intend to continue doing that...now that we're a thing again?" Harry asks and Louis
notices the self-control with which he speaks.

"Harry… we're not a thing. Not yet. I don't know where this is going to take us but...no, after our
sex yesterday and our conversations today, I won't fuck with him anymore. Is that enough for
now?”

Harry just nods and looks away. Louis feels himself take a few deep breaths in and out, forcing
himself to calm down. He starts stroking Harry's chest lightly again and apparently this has a
calming effect on him. Both of them are silent again, listening to each other's breathing, sometimes
Louis looks up and purses his lips a little, a silent request that Harry always follows immediately.

"Lou?"

"Mmmmm?"

"I...I heard that from Jay. Mum told me.”

"Oh god Harry. No…don't,” says Louis, freezing to death, his heart clenching at his mother's name.

"I'm so sorry baby, I just wanted you to know. Is that why you started cutting?” Harry asks softly,
never stopping stroking his arm, practically caressing each scar with his fingertips.

"No"

Why is he doing this to him? Why is he digging into the worst event that happened to him besides
the breakup back then?

"Can we talk about this? How are you really?” Harry asks and instead of crying like usual, he's
overcome with anger again. He pulls away from Harry and glares at him with angry eyes. "You
want to talk about it? Yeah?” and Harry looks at him, startled. Louis knows he’s on a rollercoaster
of emotions today, but he wasn't the one who brought up the subject.

"I've been suffering ever since we broke up! I have never dated or had a partner since you. The
only thing I did to satisfy my needs is fuck my best friend. I loved you so much, still do...that my
heart broke. My mum, my lyrics and Liam were what gave my life meaning. Sometimes I wished I
could die, it hurted so bad to lose you! This pain of loss has filled me so much that I no longer
knew how I could endure it. The only thing that helped in those moments...still helps...is my blade.
This pain drowns out my emotional pain. When my mum died..." and here he starts sobbing again,
the tears just gushing out of him. And Harry quickly pulls him close again, but listens in silence,
"...a part of me died with her. As I was with her as she took her last breath, I wished it was me
instead! I had lost my anchor, my best friend. Much too young and too early. I thought we would
still have years together." Louis recalls every memory of that last day, sinking back into this pain.

"It...it was so bad that I cut myself deeper than usual when I was sitting alone in our house at night
after the undertaker had picked her up," he points to a long bulging scar on his inner wrist. "I
wanted to die, Harry." He admits quietly and Harry is now crying too, pulling Louis close and
kissing him wildly, over and over again. As if he had to make sure Louis is there, alive and
breathing.

"But I knew mum wouldn't have wanted me to end it. Her disappointed look in my mind was the
only thing that kept me from finishing it at that moment. And I'm still here. I know I have a
problem. Liam often tries to push me into therapy but...I'm not ready for it. Don't ask me why, I
don't know.” Louis sighs, laying his head back on Harry's chest. Harry's sniffling of his nose and
the fact that he seems to be wiping away tears is the only thing that makes Louis sure that he's still
crying too

"I’m so sorry. For everything. I...I have no words...nothing can undo it but Lou...I promise I will
fight for you and us and we will be happy again!"

"You can at least try," Louis simply answers, wiping away his tears and hoping they are the last for
today.

"My head hurts, let's get some sleep," Louis murmurs, pulling the covers up a little higher, under
his nose, and snuggling closer to Harry. He feels another kiss on his hair and then he falls into a
dreamless sleep again.

In the late afternoon they both say goodbye with a long kiss. Louis has given Harry his phone
number and Harry has promised to call him regularly and take him out on dates when his job
allows.

"Take care Harry, see you soon," says Louis as he turns one last time in the hotel hallway to take
one last look at Harry, who is staring sadly at him from the doorway.

"I love you," he whispers and Louis grins crookedly and quickly turns to walk on. All he needs
now is to go home as soon as possible. Letting go of what happened and realizing it properly. To
clear his head he takes the walk through London to their apartment, again in his suit from yesterday
he starts to freeze. The jacket that could protect him from the cold November air is still in the
venue.

When he finally gets home he’s completely frozen and his teeth are chattering, so much it freezes
him. He doesn't even have his key with him and he hopes Liam is home. He rings the bell on the
apartment door and Liam opens the door with a jerk and falls into his arms the next moment.
"There you are Louis! I've been worried. You're totally cold, come in quickly,” he says while
already pushing Louis into the apartment with one hand behind his back. "You have to tell me
everything. And I'll have to tell you something too. By the way, I picked up your jacket last night,
it’s in your room," says Liam excitedly, and Louis can hardly take off his shoes anymore, he's so
stiff and frozen.

"Thanks mate. We'll talk after I took a warm shower. I can't feel my toes anymore," he says and
makes his way straight to the bathroom. "I'll make us some tea meanwhile. Meeting place - living
room under the blanket. Speed up Louis, I'm so curious” and Louis only laughs briefly and rolls
fond his eyes. What would he do without his best friend?

Freshly showered and warmed up, wrapped up in comfortable clothes, he enters the living room
and Liam invitingly lifts the blanket for him. When he's seated and Liam has put the blanket back
over him, he pushes the steaming tea into his hand. Louis smiles gratefully at him over the rim of
his cup and after a few sips begins to tell Liam everything that has happened. Liam just nods,
smiles or looks surprised but doesn't interrupt him. When Louis finally finishes he says
"Wow...that thing with you guys seems special"

"At least it used to be… Liam what if he hurts me like that again?" asks Louis sadly. Without
Harry around, the doubts are getting bigger in him.

“You will have to take the risk. How else are you ever going to find out?”

"But am I ready for this?"

"I can’t tell you that. But Harry has also grown up and is no longer the young, inexperienced man
he was back then. And doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?"

Louis nods and knows that Liam is right about everything, if only it weren't for his mind, which
repeatedly warns him to be careful.

"I'll just see how it goes. Maybe he'll never get in touch again.” He murmurs thoughtfully but Liam
nudges him lightly in the side and says “Don't be so negative” and grins at him encouragingly.

"Enough from me. What did you want to tell me?” asks Louis and takes another sip of the
meanwhile lukewarm tea.

"The man from yesterday I was talking to..." Liam begins to raise and a wide grin spreads over his
face. "We kissed and...wow, I think it was love at first sight. I have never experienced anything
like this. We have a date for tonight... can't wait to see him again"

Louis is so happy for his friend that he pulls him right into a hug and tells him exactly that.

"What's his name and what does he do? Tell me everything” Louis asks him with a wink and
pinches Liam slightly on the cheek.

With bright eyes and wild hand movements, Liam says that his name is Zayn and he also lives in
London. He has a small gallery where he successfully exhibits and sells his paintings. He also goes
into detail about how it felt to kiss and touch him, and Louis reminisces about the first time he met
Harry. He understands only too well how his friend feels.

When Liam finally stopped raving on Zayn, they both go to the balcony to smoke a cigarette
together. At one point, Louis says, "We should stop fucking each other," and gives Liam a serious
look, hoping it's in his interest too.

"Yeah… we should probably" and they both grin at each other.

When Liam says goodbye to him in the evening and Louis puts a condom in his trouser pocket
with a wink, he lets the hope arise that maybe everything will be fine after all.
 Chapter 17
Chapter Notes

TW: mention of self harm

XVII

Louis wakes up the next morning because he is shaking so badly. Every bone, every muscle aches,
his head feels heavy and leaden, he's definitely sick.

"Oh fucking hell...I'm dying" Louis curses softly and pulls the covers higher. But it doesn't help,
his body continues to freeze uncontrollably. Louis groans and can't remember the last time he felt
so bad. It must have happened yesterday when he was walking through London without a jacket.
He calls for Liam so that he could get him medicine but he doesn't seem home yet.

Exhausted, he surrenders to his fate and remains curled up. He keeps falling asleep again only to be
woken up by his shaking body. Just as he’s about to fall asleep once more, he hears the shrill
ringing of the telephone in the living room and he turns to the side, powerless he manages to sit up
with an effort. He’s dizzy and the phone ringing hurts in his head. He slowly stands up and
mobilizes the last of his strength to drag himself into the living room. Louis supports himself on
the sideboard with one hand and slowly puts the receiver to his ear with the other.

"Yes?" he croaks, his voice thick and while he speaks he also notices that his throat hurts a lot.

"Louis? Is that you?” the caller asks and Louis immediately recognizes Harry's voice. He didn't
expect for Harry to get in touch so soon, if at all, and the knowledge that it's him settles like balm
over his soul.

"Yes," Louis just breathes, he doesn't feel capable of more.

"Are you alright? You sound different.”

"I'm sicker than I've been for ages and I probably won't survive today," Louis wails in a low voice.
Harry is laughing on the other end of the line and Louis can imagine him shaking his head in
amusement and his curls bobbing along. Despite everything, the image conjures up a small smile
on Louis' face.

"Sorry for laughing but you're exaggerating," Harry apologizes with a soft voice.

"By the way, I blame you. Because of you I forgot my jacket at the event and was completely
frozen when I got home yesterday”

"Then I guess I'll have to make it up to you and offer myself as your personal nurse," and Louis can
practically hear Harry's smile.

"Mhmmm kinky, Styles" Louis replies dryly and a fit of coughing overcomes him. He holds the
phone away from him until he's calmed down and just mumbles a little sorry as he puts the phone
to his ear again.

"You don't sound good at all. Give me your address and I'll be there in an hour. I just have to clear
something up quickly,” Harry says decisively, his tone allowing no arguments.

Louis tells him the address, asks Harry to get him some medicine and they both say goodbye. Then
he quickly drags himself into the bathroom. No matter how badly he's doing, he's not going to meet
Harry unwashed and with foul breath. Freshening up demands everything from him and he then
only staggers quickly to the apartment door to unlock it, so that Harry can simply come in and then
lie straight back into bed. The chills have stopped but he feels the fever coming on. He groans and
tries to find a comfortable position where not all of his limbs hurt. When he has finally positioned
himself, exhaustion overwhelms him and he gratefully receives his sleep.

He wakes up to a cold feeling on his forehead and opens his eyes in shock and confusion. At first
he thinks he's hallucinating when he sees Harry sitting on the bed next to him. His brain still hasn't
fully grasped the latest events. To make sure it's not a fever dream, he feebly reaches up and
touches Harry's thigh.

"You're real," he murmurs, resting his hand on his leg. He closes his eyes again and hears Harry
softly chuckling.

"The one and only," Harry says, stroking his hand. Louis sighs gratefully.

"You're glowing babe, I'd like to take your temperature. The cold washcloth on your forehead is
useless. Do you have a thermometre somewhere?”

Louis nods towards the living room and opens his tired eyes again. "In the cabinet, the black box at
the bottom," he replies, and Harry rushes off. Louis smiles as he watches him go, so eager to help.
Meanwhile, Louis takes the wet washcloth off his forehead and carelessly throws it on the floor.
He hates that cold, wet feeling, after the chills in the morning he's almost thankful for the heat that
spreads through him. Harry comes back and takes one look at the washcloth on the floor, only to
say with a raised brow "You're a bad patient". Louis rolls his eyes, effort enough in itself, and let
Harry put the thermometer under his tongue. When it beeps, Harry quickly takes it out and looks at
Louis in shock.

"39.5 degrees. I'll get you some medicine to lower your fever right now. I have the pills in the
living room. I'll be right back," Harry exclaims, and with big, quick strides he's already on the road
again.

"I told you right away that I wouldn't survive today," Louis jokes when Harry comes back into his
room, which earns him an evil look from Harry.

"Louis William Tomlinson! Stop saying things like that” and hit him lightly on his upper arm.
Since everything hurts anyway, the funny meant punch is painful and Louis pouts while rubbing
his arm.

Harry looks at him apologetically and kisses the sore spot and then his forehead.

"Sorry, I should be gentle with you"

"True. You're not going to convince me like that to want to try again." And Louis hopes that the
joke will resonate with Harry and sends a mischievous smile afterwards.
"Rude," Harry just murmurs, grinning, and hands him a pill. He helps Louis to sit up and while
supporting his back with his hand he gives him a glass of water with the other one. Louis is so
grateful for the help and support and after swallowing the medication he breathes a soft „Thank
you.“

"I'm sweating so much...I'm sorry you just had to touch me like that. I notice how damp my shirt
is,” Louis murmurs, a little embarrassed about his condition. But Harry just clicks his tongue.

"In good and bad times my Lou" he says and looks at him lovingly. And Louis is briefly shocked.
Knows exactly what Harry was implying. His heart flutters wildly in his chest at the words, but his
mind snaps right back into action.

"Too early, Harry. Don't," he just answers and he's sorry when he sees Harry's smile disappear. He
just nods and tells Louis to get some sleep.

"Aye Aye, Nurse Styles. Will you still be here when I wake up?” asks Louis as he snuggles into his
duvet.

"I'll cook you some chicken soup in the meantime. Don’t worry. I’ll stay with you."

Harry looks at him for a long time and Louis stares back. He can't believe Harry actually kept his
word and is sitting here with him, taking care of him. Louis makes grabby hands and Harry
approaches. "I know I'm sick but...a little kiss?" he begs, looking at Harry with hopeful eyes. Harry
doesn't say anything but leans in further and plants a soft kiss on his lips.

"Everything for you babe. Sleep now."

The next time he wakes up it's because he hears voices. He listens briefly and realizes that Liam
and Harry are talking. Apparently the date with Zayn went well if he's just back now. Louis has
lost all sense of time and looks at his alarm clock on his bedside table. It's already early afternoon.
The smell of soup slowly creeps into his now stuffy nostrils and he reaches for a handkerchief from
the box that his personal nurse apparently gave him while he was sleeping. The pill seems to have
helped because he's feeling so good right now that he gets out of bed at least with some vigor. He
grabs his bed covers, throws them over his shoulders, and pulls them behind him like a cape as he
follows the smell of the soup into the kitchen.

Liam and Harry are both leaning against the kitchenette, deep in conversation, and look up in
surprise at Louis as he enters the kitchen.

"Awwww" escapes Harry as he looks Louis up and down, his hair disheveled and so small in the
big duvet around him. Only to walk up to him the next moment and gently push him out of the
kitchen.

Liam gives them both an amused look and smiles to himself.

"No, no, no, off to bed with you," Harry scolds half-heartedly and Louis looks around his shoulder
at Liam, waving a hand at him and a weary smile.

"Hi Liam"

Liam grins and waves back, then shoo him with his hand away.

"Hey patient, get well soon"

Harry keeps pushing him towards the bedroom and Louis quickly calls out

"Bye Liam" and just hears a soft chuckle from his best friend.

Once in his room, Harry quickly closes the door and pulls Louis into a hug. "Do you actually know
that I could eat you? You look so cute and cuddly.” He buries his head in Louis' shoulder and
Louis pats him lightly on his back. Suddenly Harry raises him in his arms in bridal style, Louis
squeaks in surprise and Harry carries him the last few meters to the bed and gently lays him down.
And god, he secretly loves it when he's manhandled.

"Stay right where you are. I'll get you a bowl of soup quickly," says Harry with a raised index
finger and Louis nods obediently.

Louis doesn't have to wait long when Harry comes back with a bowl of soup. He sits down next to
him on the bed again, puts a pillow behind Louis' back and first feels his hand on Louis' forehead.

"You're not so hot anymore, very good. How do you feel?” he asks, worried despite everything.

"Better, but I'm still totally exhausted and I feel wrecked," Louis replies. "Will you give me the
soup already before it gets cold? I'm hungry."

Harry chuckles to himself and takes the bowl in his hand and brings a spoon to Louis's mouth.
Louis rolls his eyes fondly, he could eat by himself, but he lets Harry have his fun, which seems to
be completely absorbed in the role of caring. They both look at each other in silence, or giggle
when Harry puts the next spoon into Louis's mouth like feeding a baby.

When the soup is empty, Louis slides back down the end of the bed and snuggles up in his pillow.

"May I stay here tonight?" Harry asks as he lies down next to Louis over the covers.

"Don't you have to do some concert or interview Mister Rockstar?" Louis asks jokingly. "Uhm... to
be honest - yes... but I just canceled everything with my management and Niall for the next few
days," Harry admits, burying his face in his hands. Louis turns his head to Harry so quickly, that it
starts throbbing. He hisses softly in pain and grabs his head, "Ouch...Harry, you can't abandon your
fans and Niall because of me," he scolds Harry, tugging at a strand of his curls.

"Yes I can! Louis, you don't seem to understand how important it is to me with you. Screw my
career, it doesn't make me as happy as you do,” Harry replies heatedly.

"But… What if that doesn't work for us? You can't risk everything,” Louis replies fiery. He doesn't
really have the strength for such a discussion, but he can't just let Harry do it like that.

"What? We are made for each other, I love you. Don't you have any hope for us?” Harry asks in
horror, his eyes sad and his mouth curled into a sweet pout.

"Harry, I'll be honest...I don't know how far I can open up again, I...damn it. I want you. Wanted
you from the start But...there's no guarantee-" Louis tries to explain but is interrupted by Harry,
who now has a tear running down his cheek. Desperately, he shakes Louis gently, his hands
cupped around his upper arms, his face right in front of him, as if to make sure Louis really
understands him.

“There’s no guarantee of anything in life. But I've risked everything through my stupidity before,
and I won't do it again. I want you baby. Completely!"

Louis just nods. His brain is rattling, trying desperately to understand that this is his new reality,
that there is Harry sitting in front of him, fighting for him. And his heart really swells, happiness
floods him and he makes up his mind to really give Harry this chance.

"Okay... yeah, ok. Fight for me... for us. I hope for both of us that you manage to convince my
mind. You always hold my heart in your hands anyway," Louis finally says, and despite the stuffy
nose and Louis' ill condition, Harry insists on opening Louis mouth with his tongue, playing
passionately with it and finally letting him fall breathlessly back into his pillow.

Louis sighs and looks at Harry seriously. "Nevertheless, you should clarify this. Everything. Also
with Claudia. We have to do it right this time,” he demands and Harry nods in agreement. "Can I
use your phone? Then I'll at least smooth things over with Niall...I'll sort out the rest when you're
well again." Harry asks and cuddles up on Louis' side.

"Of course, make yourself at home. Stroke me to sleep and then soothe Nialler. Say hello to him
from me,” Louis murmurs as he snuggles his face into the crook of Harry's arm, his new favorite
spot and wearily closes his eyes.

Harry immediately complies and scratches Louis' head, running his hands down his back and back
up again. It’s gentle and loving. And if Louis were a cat he would purr. He gently drifts off to sleep
and doesn't notice Harry staring at him adoringly for quite a while before he can finally tear
himself away to get the unpleasant part over with.

Harry takes care of Louis for two more days, but then he can't put off his management anymore,
who asked for a meeting. Niall couldn't stay mad at Harry for long, knowing how his best friend
feels and Louis was so happy to hear that all was well between the two after the call.

In the last hours together on the third day, both enjoy their remaining time to the fullest, no one
knows exactly when they will see each other again. Uncertainty gnaws at Louis again and he gets
nervous. Even back then, he couldn't be separated from Harry for long, but under the current
circumstances, where nobody knows exactly where they are, the idea of a longer separation is
hardly bearable.

"Babe, please stop wiggling your legs like that, you're making me nervous." Harry pleads as he
rests his hand on Louis' leg to stop him soothingly. They sit snuggled together on the sofa and have
inserted a video cassette and watched 'Jurassic Park'. Louis is doing much better now, physically at
least, and he only has a mild cold. He’s distracted by his thoughts forming horror scenarios with old
fears.

What if Harry, when away from him, realizes that he's better off without the burden of a broken
Louis?
What if it's too much to fight for him and their love?
Or if he meets someone else on tour who is better?

So much could happen and Louis' fantasies jump from one performance to the next and of course
Louis also thinks about the heartache from back then when it almost pulled him into two. Then it
jumps to Jay, which he wouldn't have this time if it comes to that. This in turn brings back
memories of her lifeless body lying in front of him and how Louis prayed and begged to all the
gods to bring his mother back, how he held her hand and when he laid himself on her chest but no
heart was beating anymore. Louis is so caught up in his emotions that there is only one solution for
him. He forces a smile and looks at Harry, hoping he looks normal as he says "I'm just going to the
bathroom, you can go on without me" and plants him another quick kiss. Harry looks at him
critically but turns his gaze back to the TV.
Louis almost sprints into the bathroom, he can hardly stand it any longer. Once in the bathroom, he
quickly closes the door and quietly opens the bathroom cabinet. When he catches sight of his razor
blades, he breathes a sigh of relief, grabs them with trembling hands, his emotions overboard. He
quickly rolls up his sleeve and puts the blade to his skin. He closes his eyes and looks forward in a
sick way to the relief that's about to wash over him when the bathroom door suddenly opens. Harry
rushes over to him and carefully takes the blade out of his hands and puts it in the sink, to only hug
Louis tightly in the next second. Louis is shocked, he found him in his weakest moment and threw
away the only thing that can help him. Desperately, he pushes Harry away and reaches for the
blade, but Harry silently shakes his head and grabs both of his hands.

"Harry...please...it's helping me, I need it," Louis begs sadly, his voice on the verge of breaking
from all the emotion.

"I knew something was wrong." Harry murmurs to himself, he’s shaking and seeming agitated. No
wonder you idiot, he found you with a razor blade on your arm, Louis interjected. But he just keeps
silent, what else should he do, caught in Harry's grip.

"Now we're going to your room and we're going to talk about it. This isn't a solution, baby, please
don't do this to yourself," Harry begs and catches his eye. They look at each other with tears in their
eyes and Louis hangs his head. Harry gently pulls him into his room, Louis trudges beside him,
head down. Now the shame sets in again and it’s the worst feeling and outweighs everything else.

They sit down on the bedside and Harry takes his hand, squeezes it once to get his attention and
when Louis looks up, he slowly strokes the back of his hand with his thumb again and again.

"What's going on in your head right now? Let me in, Lou.” Harry pleads.

"I am nervous. I'm scared,” Louis admits, wishing Harry had never interrupted him.

"Because of what baby?"

"What happens if you leave me tonight. So many possibilities, you could fall in love all over again
or find out that I'm too broken or tha-" Louis babbles but Harry doesn't want to hear any more of it.
He grabs Louis' face and pushes his chin up, looking deep into his eyes.

"Shall I tell you what will happen? I’ll miss you terribly. I'll be thinking about you every damn
minute. I will clear everything with my management and label and will get back to you. I swear to
you” promises Harry and Louis sees how sincerely he means it.

"I love you Harry. Please…please don't break my heart again!” Louis sobs and starts crying
mercilessly. Now it’s him who presses against Harry and his hands claw into his sweater, holding
onto him for fear of losing himself in all his emotions.

"I love you too! And we will be happy. But Lou...I...I'm scared too. How am I supposed to leave
you after what happened?” Harry asks while resting his head on Louis' shoulder.

"Liam can look after me if that makes you feel better," Louis halfheartedly offers.

"He's newly in love, he's been telling me about this Zach for 2 hours today, I'm sure he'll hardly be
around."

"His name is Zayn." answers Louis only.

"Baby, I need to be sure you don't hurt yourself. Please...can you see a therapist for me? It will do
you good. Please” and Harry is now clinging so tightly to Louis himself. Both hold on to each other
for fear of losing the other. Just each for different reasons.

Louis thinks about it and actually doesn't want to talk to anyone about all this. On the one hand, the
shame and having to admit it, of his own free will, not anyone discovering it by accident, and on
the other hand, the memories hurt. But then again, it's not nice to be overwhelmed by all these
emotions all the time, and he wants to do his part in trying to make this relationship work.

"I can at least try. But if it doesn't help, I'll stop immediately,” Louis says, raising his head to give
Harry a pout.

"Thank you, It's a start. I'm so proud of you baby” and Harry's face finally shows his cute dimples
again as he grins at him in relief.

"Let's cuddle a little longer until I have to leave right away. I'll check in with you every day,” Harry
murmurs, pulling Louis with him as he flops back onto the bed.

Both kiss again and again, sometimes gently, sometimes passionately. Louis is afraid he's infected
Harry after all these days, but can't help but keep kissing and soaking up as much of Harry as he
can before he's gone.

In the evening when Harry’s gone, he stands on the balcony smoking and looking up at the sky. In
his mind, he tells Jay everything that happened and what's bothering him, imagines her answers,
and strangely enough, he feels better afterwards. Calmer and knowing that his mother is always
there for him in some way. He lies down in bed with a sigh and inhales the lingering scent of Harry
on his pillow.
 Chapter 18

XVIII

December 1994

Harry and Louis haven't seen each other for three weeks, the first Christmas without Jay is
approaching and he doesn't see much of Liam either since he spends most of his time with Zayn.
And Louis tries to be strong enough for Harry not to let the negative thoughts get the better of him.
Instead, he throws himself into work and diligently writes songs for other artists and waits for a
call from Harry every day. As soon as he hears his voice, his heart begins to pound as if it were the
18-year-old Louis from back then.

Tomorrow he has his first therapy session and that also makes him nervous. He doesn’t know what
to expect, how he will feel when he opens up to a stranger. Harry has been reassuring him every
time since making the appointment and at those moments it makes him think rationally and he can
calm down. But once they've hung up and the day approaches, he keeps wondering what could
happen. He secretly knows that this person will be there to help him, that he’s trained for it and
that Louis doesn’t have to be afraid or ashamed of it. But if it were so easy to steer his thoughts and
feelings correctly, Louis wouldn't need therapy.

Harry and Niall have various appearances and interviews all over the world because of their new
single and so only short conversations are possible, sometimes at the most inconvenient times, but
since Louis as a songwriter has no fixed working hours, he doesn't care if Harry sometimes rings
him up late at night. Both miss each other very much and the separation at the moment only shows
Louis once again how important Harry is and always was for him. He often thanks the universe for
bringing them back together and that Harry now knows what he wants: Louis.

Despite everything, his jealousy sometimes bubbles up in him when he happens to see a new article
about Harry and Claudia. Of course he now knows that everything is fake, but not the whole world
and it’s the man for whom his heart beats, who they spread these lies about. Willingly by
management.

When he's just getting some cookies from the kitchen that Zayn and Liam made together in their
kitchen three days ago, giggling (and Louis wasn't the least bit jealous, no), and had planned to eat
them up under a woolen blanket in front of a Christmas movie, the phone rings. Louis immediately
drops everything and runs to the phone. On the third ring he hurriedly takes the receiver in his
hand and instead of answering by his name he happily calls "Harry?" into the phone.

Of course it's Harry, who starts giggling right away.

"Hi my Lou, have you been waiting for my call?" he asks.

"This is the highlight of my day, of course I've been waiting for it," Louis replies and hears Harry
chuckle softly.

"I have good news Louis. My management finally told me the plan today for how to proceed with
Claudia."

Louis takes a deep breath and holds his breath. This is critical to their eventual-future relationship
but he tries to stay calm. Harry said they are good news. When Louis doesn't answer, Harry keeps
talking happily.

"We still have three months to go. Then we announce the separation and ’part on a good note’!"

„That sounds good. But what does it look like afterwards? Are you allowed to have an
outcoming…do you even want that?” Louis asks uncertainty and his old fears are slowly creeping
out again.

"They haven't fully commented on that yet. I did tell them though that I wanted a proposal by the
next meeting, otherwise I'll take all the penalties and just quit.” Harry explains and his voice leaves
no doubt how serious he is.

"Wow Harry, what happened to that shy boy from back then? I hardly recognize you in moments
like that,” Louis marvels.

"I had to change. Believe me babe, when you're in the spotlight and you become famous as fast as
Niall and I... no one stands up for you in front of the sharks. It came by itself. But actually I like
the version of me” and Louis hears his smile.

"Me too," Louis whispers, grinning to himself as he wraps the phone's cord around his finger.

"I've got some more good news," Harry announces.

"Then out with it!“

"I have Christmas and New Years off...aaaand I've already told Mum we're going to spend
Christmas together. If you already have plans, I don't care, cancel them. You are all mine!"

Louis laughs out loud, loving how Harry manages to brighten his day. "I don't have any plans, but
I'm really looking forward to seeing you again," says Louis, only to add quietly the next moment,
"Otherwise I'd be all alone ... it's the first Christmas without mum."

"Oh my god, I hadn't thought of that. All the better that we spend it together. Can I come to you
then? I'm free from December 22nd!”

"Of course, Liam and Zayn have already made plans. Zayn will be introducing Liam to his family
over the holidays so we have the apartment to ourselves,” Louis replies hastily, looking forward to
finally hugging Harry again.

"Perfect. I just got a wonderful idea, but I won't tell you just yet."

Louis starts to sulk even though Harry can't see it, but Harry is already laughing and says "I can
literally hear you pouting. Before I forget it… are you nervous about your first session tomorrow?”

"Yes, very. Will you think of me when the time comes?” Louis asks softly.

"I always think of you Louis, but especially tomorrow. I'll call you again in the evening and you'll
tell me everything okay?"

"Okay" says Louis only.

"Babe I gotta go now, we have another radio interview in a minute. Greetings from Niall, by the
way.” And Louis can already hear in the background how Harry is apparently gathering his things
because there is rustling and rumbling.
"Send greetings back to him. See you tomorrow...my love". Louis is still very careful with
petnames, he doesn't allow himself to completely fall back into the old patterns from back then. It's
self protection. And so it feels very foreign and uncertain on his tongue.

"See you tomorrow my Lou." Harry blows him a kiss down the line and then they hang up.

Louis sighs and goes about his actual plan. He pops in the videotape of 'Home Alone', eats his
cookies to comfort his tense nerves, and distracts himself from longing for Harry as he watches
Kevin who enjoys his newfound freedom.

Louis sits nervously in his therapist's waiting room, anxiously waiting to be called. It turns out to be
a middle-aged woman who finally calls him in. Almost relieved, he enters the room and sits down
in the comfortable chair opposite her. When she introduces herself, she reminds him of his mother
with her long dark hair and nice smile and Louis immediately feels a little better and manages to
tell her directly what brings him here. Both begin to work out a therapy plan and Louis does not
feel judged but understood when he lists what he wants to discuss and work through. His most
important themes are, of course, to stop cutting and to process the death of his beloved mother. He
puts his relationship with Harry third on his list, wanting to see how far both of them can get on
their own before discussing the issue with his therapist. She neither questions nor condemns his
order or when Louis defiantly states that he is gay. He immediately feels accepted as he is, with his
mistakes and his experiences, that he leaves this first session with cheerful courage and bouncing
steps.

That evening when Harry calls, he tells him about it, still on an emotional high.

"She even gave me a tip on what to do if I felt the need to cut myself," says Louis.

"And what's that babe?" Harry asks curiously, so happy that the first lesson was such a success.
Nothing makes Harry happier when Louis is doing well.

"Either I should put an ice cube on my arm, the cold also brings pain but... well, it doesn't bleed,
which is of course a good thing, or I could flick a hair tie on my arm," he explains, stuttering a bit.
He still finds it difficult to talk about it with both Harry and Liam, even though he knows neither of
them will judge him. But he still has a guilty conscience that both are worried about him and even
shed tears because of it. He never wanted to implicate other people and that's something that really
bothers him.

"That sounds good! And you know that you can talk to me at any time and certainly to Liam too.
We can do it together" says Harry in a soft voice. Together. That alone means so much to Louis.
Harry sees them both as a team and Louis would love to snuggle up to him right now.

"I know, but it's difficult for me at the moment. I hope I'll learn that through the therapy,” admits
Louis and lets his eyes wander around the apartment.

"Most certainly. Unfortunately I have to leave again, I'm so sorry. But we'll see each other in a
week!” Harry cheers and a grin spreads across Louis' face.

When both have hung up, he goes to Liam's room door and knocks three times. These days you
never know if Zayn is there and what the two are up to. But he's lucky and his best friend is alone.
Even if Liam is now taken and Harry is in Louis' life again, it doesn't stop him from cuddling up to
his best friend as always, who was reading a book on his bed.
They decide to listen to the new album by 'Pearl Jam' and have a six pack of beer together.

For a long time it feels as if everything could really be fine.

It's finally December 22nd and Louis has been standing at the window for an hour, watching the
street. Harry has told him roughly what time he will be arriving and every time a cab pulls down
the road his heart starts pounding wildly only to return to a normal rhythm when again it wasn't
Harry. But finally one stops right in front of the house and Louis doesn't even wait to see if it's
Harry who's getting out, he runs out of the apartment in his socks and without a jacket, down the
stairs, almost collides with the older lady of the first floor together and literally slithers the last few
meters to the front door. The time away from Harry has made one thing very clear to him; he
doesn't want to be afraid anymore, he wants to dare and get involved with him again. And so he
opens the door and jumps onto Harry who is just going up the stairs. It's dangerous, but Harry
quickly drops his bags and catches Louis at the last moment. Louis doesn't even know what to do
first. He crosses his feet behind Harry's back for a better grip, grabs his face with both hands, then
decides to kiss his mouth loudly, only to bury his nose in Harry's curls and take a deep breath.
Harry squeezes him with his hands, Louis hugs him tightly and chuckles softly.

"Wow... what a greeting," Harry murmurs, nestling his face against Louis' cheek.

"I missed you so much darling" breathes Louis and kisses Harry on the cheek.

"I love it when you call me that," Harry smiles, and this whole moment feels so perfect. Louis
slowly slides off Harry and really looks at him. He wears a light blue bobble hat that shows off his
curls and brightens his green eyes. He looks so cute wrapped up in a thick winter jacket and white
snow boots.

Harry leans in and gives him a long kiss and then they walk hand in hand up the stairs to Liam and
Louis' apartment.

Arriving at the apartment, Harry, tidy as ever, clears his bags in Louis' room, takes off his jacket,
rummages in his pocket for a pair of jogging pants and Louis loses his patience. As Harry stands
over his bag with his bare long legs and only his sweater and briefs bent over, he lunges at him a
second time. He hugs him from behind and Harry straightens up, turning in the embrace and raising
an eyebrow.

"Eager today, huh?"

"Shut up and kiss me. You can leave off the pants. It's best if you take your sweater off as well,"
Louis commands while he's already pushing his sweater up. Harry just grins mischievously and
helps pull it over his head. The mood changes immediately, both kiss wildly and hungrily, it's like
they have to catch up on the last few weeks and years. While Louis quickly undresses himself and
carelessly spreads all the clothes around on the floor, Harry also gets rid of the rest of his clothes.
Naked, the two crash back into each other, every inch too much between them. Harry immediately
starts caressing Louis' ass, nothing new - it is and always has been his favorite part of his body.
Meanwhile, Louis pushes him backwards to his bed and both of them never let themselves fall
without separating their mouths. They touch everything they can get their hands on, Harry tugs at
Louis' hair, making a moan escape him and driving Harry to slide down Louis, biting his nipples
lightly and finally disappearing between his legs. They love each other long and tenderly that
evening.

ꨄ
The next morning, Harry treats Louis to a breakfast he tailored to Louis' tastes: a bowl of choco
pops, but with Harry on his lap while they feed each other. It's so cheesy, especially with the
background, that Harry has lit a red Christmas candle burning on the table in front of them and
Wham's 'Last Christmas' is playing in the background.

When both bowls are empty, Harry asks Louis to dress warmly.

"What are you planning to do with me darling?" Louis asks but Harry just shakes his head. "You
will see! My bodyguard will pick us up in half an hour, hush hush, off to the bathroom with you,”
he shoos him. Louis just rolls his eyes fondly but obeyes. He takes his clothes to the bathroom so
he can get dressed right after the shower.

Coming out of the bathroom, he marvels at seeing Harry in his gear only to burst out laughing.

"Are you expecting a snowstorm?" asks Louis, still laughing.

Harry has his thick winter jacket back on, but this time the hood is over his head and it's pulled
tight so that his face looks almost squashed. He also has huge sunglasses on that cover almost half
his face.

"I don't want to be recognized. Stop laughing at me Lou” he snaps but Louis kisses the pout right
off his lips.

"I think you’ll draw more looks at yourself that way, but if you think so..." Louis just smiles and
has to hold back another laugh. Louis also throws on his jacket, hat and scarf and is ready just in
time when the horn honks in the street.

"That must be Carl, my bodyguard." Harry says, taking Louis' hand. Louis locks the door behind
them and then they go on their way. Carl is standing by the car and is already expecting the two of
them. When his gaze falls on Harry, his mouth twitches slightly and Louis likes him immediately.

Louis shakes hands with Carl and introduces himself and both get in the back seat. As Carl drives
off, Louis leans forward to the bodyguard and asks "Where are you taking us?" and gives Harry a
cheeky look over his shoulder. Harry smacks his bum and clicks his tongue. Carl grins and just
shakes his head. Sighing, Louis falls back and Harry pulls him straight into his arm, which he
drapes over his shoulder. They interlace their fingers and Louis looks out the window. London
passes them and they drive out of the big city. Suddenly they turn into a forest where Louis has
never been before. "Shall we go for a walk?" Louis asks, looking at Harry briefly and then back
out the window. Looking in wonder at the snowy forest path and the fir trees on which the snow
has collected. It looks so peaceful. Harry just smiles and then Louis sees a big sign ahead.

Here you can fell your Christmas tree yourself. 500m to go → → →

And Louis's mouth falls open and he looks at Harry in shock. Tears immediately begin to gather in
his eyes.

"You remember Mum and my tradition?" he finally breathes.

"I remember everything, baby. I hope it's a nice surprise. We're celebrating this Christmas in honor
of Jay, is that okay?” asks Harry, who doesn't know how to judge Louis's reaction and looks a little
unsettled.

Louis can only nod and starts to cry. This is the nicest surprise he could have gotten. Harry
comforts Louis by pulling him closer to his sides and when Carl parks he needs a moment to calm
down. He quickly wipes away his tears and smiles at Harry. "Let's find a tree that Jay would have
liked." Harry whispers and pulls Louis out of the car behind him and after they’re outside, Harry
quickly pulls an ax out of the trunk.

He has thought of everything, Louis thinks, touched. Carl nods to the pair and lets them go ahead
while unobtrusively following them a few paces away.

There is only one other couple with them in the small fenced forest area and so both of them insist
on walking arm in arm along the various trees. Harry even goes so far as to pull Louis behind a
thick fir tree and kiss him passionately. It's the most romantic kiss they've ever exchanged. The
forest is quiet and the silence makes everything seem magical, there is thick snow around them and
from the kiss their cheeks are adorned with the same red as the frozen tips of their nose. Suddenly
Louis sees the tree. He's not too big but beautifully bushy, he's perfect and Louis excitedly pulls
Harry towards him.

"That's him!" beams Louis, pointing at it with his index finger.

"Do you want me to chop him down?" asks Harry, wiggling the ax while grinning widely.

"No I want! That's how tradition wants it. Maybe you can do mum's part afterwards and make us
some hot cocoa when we get home?” asks Louis, taking the ax from Harry's hand.

"Of course babe." Harry smiles watching Louis smash the log.

While he’s chopping, Louis reminisces about all the Christmases before. How Jay stood next to
him and cheered him on, she always smiled at him so proudly when he wiped the sweat from his
forehead and the tree was felled. He misses her terribly and secretly hopes she's with him right
now, wherever she may be. That she sees his beloved Harry is with him again and his heart heals a
little more every day. She don't have to worry about him anymore. Louis blinks back tears a few
times and swallows hard. It's hard in those moments but he's so grateful to have Harry with him
who won't leave him alone on the holidays and to honor the traditions of the two as much as
possible. When he's done, he turns to Harry and smiles widely.

"Made it! Let's go home and decorate it."

Both spend their evening sitting and cuddling together in front of the decorated tree. Christmas
carols play in the background and Harry often sings along quietly. They keep sipping their warm
cocoa and suddenly something occurs to Louis.

"I haven't been able to look at the old pictures since mum died...would you do it with me?" asks
Louis, looking at Harry.

"Bring them," Harry nods. Louis goes into his room and pulls the box out of his closet. He quickly
goes back to Harry and sits next to him. "Harry… Thank you for today. I didn't even know how
much I needed all of this” and again his eyes glitter with tears. Harry doesn't say anything, just
strokes Louis' back. Louis slowly lifts the lid and they go through each photo individually, there
are different pictures of various decades. Jay as a teenager, Louis as a child, both on vacation or
Louis at Halloween as a ghost. Something comes to mind with every picture and Harry listens
patiently and attentively to the stories. Suddenly, the photos of Harry and Louis from the Prom pop
up and they both freeze. The pictures are all beautiful and they are still so young on it. But the
memory behind it makes them sad. Suddenly it's Harry who says something and Louis can't take
his eyes off the picture of them kissing as he listens.

"Those two idiots in the picture...they had it all. Especially that one with the curly hair made the
biggest mistake of his life that night,” Harry says.
"Mhm... and he looks so innocent. Who would’ve thought he was the heartbreaker? But I also
heard that the other person next to him was also acting stupid. He outed him to the whole school”
and Louis winces. He has not forgiven himself to this day.

"Oh yes, I heard that story too...but I also know that the one with the curly hair forgave the other
one," says Harry, nudging him with his shoulder. Louis tilts slightly to the side and looks up at
Harry. Their eyes meet and they both start laughing.

"We were really idiots," Louis finally breathes.

"Correct. But we'll do better on the second try..." Harry says, but quickly throws in, "If you're ever
really ready for that." Because he knows Louis asked for time.

"I’m ready" Louis smiles at him. Harry just looks at him wide-eyed and gasps at him. Louis lifts a
hand to his chin, gently squeezing his mouth shut and chuckling softly.

"How? What?” Harry stammers and Louis just has to kiss the big question mark off his face at that
moment. First he kisses his forehead, the tip of his nose, the two dimples and finally his mouth. He
holds Harry's face in his hands the whole time and then looks at him lovingly.

"I don't want to be careful anymore. Just what you did for me today shows me how serious you are
about me and how much thoughts you lay in this. And I've missed you so much the last few weeks.
Let's jump in the deep water together.” says Louis and this time it's Harry who can't hold back his
tears. They hug each other tightly and Louis is so relieved that he not only allows Harry but himself
this second chance at happiness.

Both sink into a long kiss, their tongues caressing each other in a loving dance in their mouths and
they are startled when the clock in the living room softly strikes 12 o'clock.

Harry looks into Louis' eyes and says, "Happy Birthday you wonderful man. I love you" and kisses
him again.

"You are my most beautiful present" breathes Louis on his full lips.
 Chapter 19
Chapter Notes

TW: mention of self harm

XIX

On the morning of December 25th, Harry is in full Christmas spirit. Louis is sitting on the sofa,
only in his shorts and a sweater, and still tired and grumpy watches Harry twirl around the
apartment, already dressed. Wearing his red Christmas jumper with rudolph printed on it and a big
smile, he turns on the Christmas tree lights, snaps a photo of the tree and presents (and of course
one of a disheveled Louis sitting on the sofa with his arms crossed), fetches Cookies with milk that
he drapes on the table in the living room, lights a candle for Jay which is standing next to the
picture of her and finally turns up ‚All I want for Christmas is you‘ at full volume. Harry starts
singing along loudly and dances towards Louis. Half fascinated and half annoyed, Louis watches
his Christmas whirlwind.

How can you be in such a mood early in the morning? Louis thinks, but Harry is already standing
in front of him, shaking his hips to the beat of the music. He stretches his arms out to him and
makes grabby hands, telling Louis to get up while singing along with „All I want for Christmas is
youuuuuu“ with a big grin. Louis rolls his eyes jokingly, but Harry pulls him up and pushes himself
right up against him. Harry takes the lead and dances around the apartment with Louis. One hand
on Louis' bottom, the other on his back. Louis himself has wrapped his arms around Harry's neck
and Harry's good mood is slowly spilling over to him.When Mariah Carey sings her last notes,
Harry turns the music down a little and claps his hands.

"Let's open our presents baby" he says and Louis looks at him fondly shaking his head, Harry is
like watching a 21 year old kid.

"May I have a coffee first?" asks Louis, still tired.

"No! Presents first then you can have your coffee!” Harry insists and Louis sighs but of course he
can't deny Harry's wish.

They settle down in front of the Christmas tree and Harry reaches for his present for Louis. His
eyes shine as he hands it to him and Louis looks at the small oblong present in his hands. Harry put
so much effort into packing, everything is taped so neatly and even has a little bow on top. Harry
smiles at him, "Go ahead and open it."

Louis nods and carefully unpacks it, it's actually a shame to tear it open. It's a small box with Santa
Clauses on it and Louis lifts the lid. Inside is only a folded piece of paper and Louis looks at Harry
questioningly, but he nods to encourage him to open it and so Louis pulls out the note. It's a
voucher from one of London's finest tattoo artists, Louis has heard of his work and seen a few. "I
want us to get a couple tattoo." Harry breathes and Louis looks up at him. He starts grinning
widely and throws himself into Harry's arms to kiss him in thanks. "That's a beautiful idea darling.
Thanks!” he says, gently stroking Harry's cheek.
"Now it's your turn." Louis murmurs, leaning forward to grab Harry's present. As always, Harry
takes every chance and slaps Louis on his ass. "Behave Styles or there won't be a gift!" he teases
but of course hands Harry his present. He also looks at the gift and starts to laugh. “You definitely
put more emphasis on quantity than quality. How many rolls of tape did you need for this?” and
Louis blushes slightly. “To be honest…a whole one. But it depends on the content. Go on, open it.”

Harry has to work hard until he opens it, but then stares at his gift. It's a vinyl from George
Michael's album Faith, but it's autographed. Louis bought this for a lot of money because it’s a
rarity. "Wow...baby, thanks!" Harry stammers and quickly pulls Louis to him. "It must have been
so expensive..." he murmurs with Louis on his lap and looking at his vinyl.

"You're worth it!" says Louis, kissing his cheek.

They spend the rest of the day snacking on cookies, calling their friends and family, and Harry
cooks a celebratory meal for them in the evening. It's a quiet Christmas and Harry in particular is
so happy about it, after all the stressful weeks that have passed because of their career. They enjoy
the quiet moments between them, caresses and tender words that are whispered softly between
kisses. For Louis, it's the best Christmas in a long time, even though he misses Jay so much.

The quiet moments of the last few days don't last long, because on December 27th Niall calls and
tells Harry to get in touch with management immediately, they didn't have a number to reach Harry
themselves. Of course, Harry hadn't left them a number on purpose, wanting to focus entirely on
Louis. And so he sighs as he tells Louis about it.

"It can't be a good thing if they only want to speak to me," Harry says thoughtfully, fidgeting with
his lower lip nervously. Louis is sitting next to him on the sofa and Harry's nervousness is
contagious. However, he tries not to get too involved and wait and see what the management says
about Harry. "Get it over with, love," Louis says as he takes Harry's hand. Harry nods and gets up
from the sofa to get the phone from the sideboard. He pulls it along with the string behind him and
places it on his lap. He slowly begins to dial the number and Louis sees Harry gripping the phone
tightly so that his knuckles appear white. He covers up the slight nausea his nervousness is causing
for Harry's sake and rubs his back soothingly. When someone answers, he listens intently to what
Harry's saying.

"Hi Harry Styles here, you wanted to speak to me?"

Harry's eyebrows furrow as he listens himself.

"Why is this necessary?" he asks, his expression darkening. Louis' thoughts race and he wonders
what they have to say to him. Louis starts chewing on his bottom lip without realizing it.

"I hope only a few hours? I actually have other plans,” Harry sighs, rubbing his hand across his
forehead as if to wipe away the worry line.

"Okay... Yes, I have no other choice anyway, right? When will Carl pick me up?”

Harry just asks and hangs up after a cold goodbye.

He puts back the phone and falls back onto the sofa with a groan and closes his eyes. Louis doesn't
know how to react and just decides to wait until Harry is ready to tell him everything. Thank god
Harry doesn't make him wait too long and sits back up with a sigh and takes Louis' hand.

“Babe…I…oh my god. I don't want to say it, because then it'll be true," Harry stammers, blowing
air out of his mouth.

"You make me more nervous than I already am. Just say it.” Louis demands and starts to bite at his
fingernails.

"I... I have to be seen with Claudia in public on New Year's Eve. My management insists on getting
the most out of the few months remaining with the stunt… we're supposed to kiss and dance close
together while we're at a New Years Gala,” Harry says, hanging his head. Louis doesn't say
anything, everything inside him has gone silent. Of course everything had to go down again.

He's aware that Harry is still caught up in the stunt and the contact, but now that they've fully
committed to dating again, it's throwing up all the old memories from back then. Images of Harry
and Amy float up and suddenly panic takes hold of him again. He feels his stomach clench, his
memories so loud in his head.

"Louis, can you please say something? You are so pale Baby?” Harry asks worriedly, shaking his
arm.

"I...I can't do this right now. I...oh god...I need to be alone." Louis can't think straight anymore and
has the feeling he's just babbling nonsensical things. Actually, he should comfort Harry, who is
also visibly stressed, but he freaks out. And he can't do anything about it. He feels like the worst
boyfriend in the world and that weighs on him even more. Harry grabs his hand but he shakes it off
and runs to the bathroom. This time he doesn't make the mistake of last time and locks the door. In
his head it suddenly becomes eerily quiet, as if intoxicated he quickly goes to the bathroom cabinet
and grabs the blade. Harry has followed him, he hears it all like background noise while he’s
calling his name, the rattling of the doorknob and the desperate knocking from him. Louis stares at
the blade, tears trickling down his cheeks and the urge to hurt himself is so damn strong. But he
keeps hearing Harry scream his name and hears the panic in his voice. He sobs loudly and lets out
a desperate cry. He hates how things can trigger him so easily, and wonders if it will ever stop.
Will he ever be fully okay? He hates it so much. He hates himself for ever cutting himself. He
hates that he fell in love so much so young that it broke his heart. He hates how weak he is. He
quickly looks away from the blade. Forces himself to breathe calmly. For Harry. But also for
himself.

"LOUIS! OPEN THE DOOR BABY. PLEASE!!"

"Soon..." Louis calls quietly and he begins to tremble. He needs an outlet. He needs Harry.

"NO! NOW! LOUIS OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!” Harry demands and shakes the door handle
again. As if in a trance, Louis goes to the door and unlocks it, the next moment Harry is already in
the bathroom and looks Louis up and down in panic. When he sees that Louis hasn't hurt himself,
he pulls him into his arms. But Louis needs help, his emotions and memories are too much for him
and so he pushes Harry away and shakes his head. Harry seems to understand and runs straight
away, only to come back the next moment with two ice cubes in a small bowl.

"Take it babe, go. Come sit with me on the floor. I'll hold you" Harry quickly talks to him and
Louis keeps on sobbing. Harry pulls his still shaking body down onto the floor, in the middle of his
lap. "I want to be alone to do it..." Louis whispers. But Harry shakes his head, "No! That’s not up to
discussion. I’ll stay with you. We'll get through this together," he says stubbornly. "But I'll look
away if it helps you," and Louis has no strength to argue.

He just nods and Harry keeps his word and looks away, but pulls him even closer to him. Holds
him safe and tight in his arms. Louis quickly rolls up his sleeve and grabs the ice cube. He quickly
pulls it over his arm in one quick movement and winces at the suddenly cold feeling. But it's not
enough and so he leaves it in one place for a longer time until it becomes so uncomfortable that he
changes places again. His skin tingles and tightens painfully from the cold. Louis is now crying
tears of relief, it actually helps him. His head becomes clearer and his heart lighter. Slowly he can
think clearly again. When Harry notices how Louis' breathing calms down more and more, he dares
to say something to him again

"That's it baby, I'm so proud of you. Everything will be fine.” he says soothingly. And the soft
words in Harry's deep voice combined with the freezing cold spots on his arm finally calm him
down fully. But as always after such an attack, shame sets in and Louis buries his face in his hands.

"I'm sorry, so sorry, Harry. It's not fair that you have to deal with it, I'm a burden,” Louis starts to
sob again.

Harry gently pulls Louis' hands from his face and begins to wipe his tears away. "You're not. I love
you just the way you are. And it's my fault that you’re not doing well. I’m sorry. I'm the one who
should be apologizing to you every day,” Harry says, tears forming in his eyes as well. "We both
screwed up, but we're changing that. Together. Always together, Louis! Together we can do
anything.“ he brabbles, looking at him beggingly, hoping Louis will understand how much he
believes in that.

Louis looks into Harry's eyes and it's as if his words are encasing his wild beating heart, the
confidence in his eyes speaks straight to his soul and he draws hope that Harry is right. He wants to
believe him. He nods slightly and then leans forward and presses his lips onto Harry's. The kiss
tastes salty from their tears, but it's all Louis needs right now. Harry sighs with relief, kisses him
back forcefully and they both lose themselves completely in the caresses of her lips. Louis doesn't
know how long they've been kissing on the bathroom floor, he doesn't care either. The fact that
Harry was with him in this situation and helped him, not leaving him alone, united them together in
a whole new way. Louis can feel it in every cell of his body.

Eventually both gasp and break their kiss. Without a word, both decide to get up and crawl into
Louis' bed together. Harry holds him in his arms the whole time, Louis with his head on his chest,
listening to the soothing steady beats of Harry's heart. Eventually, Harry clears his throat and
speaks softly to Louis, "I'll only do what's necessary. With every touch and every kiss I imagine it's
you. I'll come to you right after and we'll celebrate the new year together."

"It's okay. I understand you have to do this. And it's not long either. We can do anything together,
right?” asks Louis, snuggling even closer to Harry.

"Together we can do everything"

Harry repeats and gives Louis a small kiss on his hair.

It’s the early evening of December 31st and Harry is about to be picked up by Carl. He has dressed
the same black suit he wore at the charity event and has his hair tamed with gel. He looks so good
and Louis hates that he‘s going to be photographed with Claudia and not with him. But he doesn't
show anything, he watches almost emotionlessly as Harry puts on his fancy shoes and doesn't want
to make the evening even more difficult for him. He knows that Harry is also suffering from the
situation and would rather be with him.

"And you'll be back before midnight?" Louis asks while he fidgets with the cuff of his sweater.

"Certainly. Believe me, I wouldn't miss kissing you at midnight for anything in the world.” Harry
grins, looking up from the shoes he's tying. And Louis can't do anything but grin back. I love this
man so much, he thinks and a warmth radiates through his body.

Harry stands up and tugs at his jacket so it doesn’t look crumpled. Louis goes to him and strokes
both of his arms, adjusts his shirt collar and finally looks up at him. "You look handsome darling,"
he breathes as he cups his hands behind Harry's neck and stands on tiptoes to kiss him.

"Speak for yourself," Harry grins, winking his eyebrows while letting his gaze slide down over
Louis. He's only wearing jogging pants, nothing else underneath and a comfy jumper that belongs
to Harry and is therefore too big and reveals his collarbones. Louis rolls his eyes but Harry is in a
mood and doesn’t miss cupping Louis' cock with one of his hands. Louis immediately lets out a low
groan and Harry bursts into giggles. "Bye babe, see you later" he grins cheekily and makes his way
to the door. "You're mean!" Louis calls after him and gives him the finger. He hears Harry still
laughing in the hallway after closing the door.

Louis smiles and decides to spend the next few hours zapping through the television and mixes
himself a vodka redbull. Sighing, he collapses onto the sofa and tries not to think too much about
what Harry has in store for the next few hours. First of all, it's no use anyway, Harry and he have to
hold out for another three months and secondly, he definitely doesn't want to get into this panic
spiral again so the last incident repeats itself. Louis definitely wants to discuss this with his
therapist in the next session, he now enjoys going there and always goes home with new tips or
tasks. He was almost sad that no lesson could take place over the holidays and he can only start
again in the new year. He's reviewing the year and never thought he'd end the year with Harry.
Who knows what's in store for them next year, how they'll get through their relationship and if
they're still together. But Louis is very hopeful. In any case, he wants to do everything to make it
work.

Louis seems to have fallen asleep when he hears stomping out on the hallway, followed by a
frantic knocking on the door. Louis sits up sleepily on the sofa and rubs his face briefly before
hurrying to the door. When he opens the door, Harry comes in angrily. What time is it anyway?,
Louis wonders and looks surprised at Harry, who stomps past him only to turn around in one quick
movement. Louis is still standing with the open door in his hand and looks at him questioningly.

"I ended it. Everything.”

he finally says with a snort.

Louis slowly closes the door in shock.

Well, fuck.
 Chapter 20

XX

January 1995

Louis wakes up on the morning of the new year with a sore head. Before he's even fully awake, the
memories from last night come flooding back. After Harry announced that he was done with
everything, Louis watched Harry pace back and forth across the apartment in quick strides, angrily
recounting the events of the New Year's Gala.

Claudia herself was angry about the imminent end of the stunt, as it had given her a lot of attention
and modeling jobs over the past year. She let Harry feel what she thought of his decision all
evening. But what pissed Harry off the most was that she bought herself a ring and wore it
prominently on her left ring finger. It should seem like Harry had finally asked the questions of all
questions. The local paparazzi naturally pounced on it like vultures and showered them with
questions about the engagement. Claudia even had the nerve, smiling shyly, to acknowledge the
questions with a nod and Harry could do nothing but to rage internally and to play along externally
and not to let anything show off his inner turmoil on his face. Then, when they were on the dance
floor and Claudia leaned in close and shoved her tongue in his mouth, Harry lost it. He freaked out
and pushed her away in front of everyone, wiping his mouth in disgust. Apparently the other guests
saw everything and the paparazzi took pictures too. Some of Harry's management was also there
and pulled Harry aside and showered him with threats and reproaches.

In the heat of the moment, Harry yelled at them that he would no longer have a fake relationship
with Claudia, that he was bi and loves a man and he’s no longer willing to pretend. Of course, a
few guests overheard it and the news spread like wildfire among the others present. It was a mess.
Management talked Harry into finally being quiet and living out his tantrum in a private meeting,
but Harry had had enough. He kept screaming at them that he wouldn't work with them anymore,
that he shits on his career and that they can fuck off. Then he stormed out of the room and drove
straight to Louis.

Louis tried to say something to calm Harry down, but he was upset and just kept talking and poured
out his heart. At the end of his story he stood in the middle of the room and started to cry with his
head hanging down. And Louis' heart was so broken for the man he loves. The world is unfair,
nobody should have to fake a relationship and hide themselves just to be able to continue their
career successfully. And despite feeling sorry for Harry, he was and still is so proud of him.
Standing up for himself for his courage, even if he now has to live with the consequences. The
scared and shy boy from back then has grown into a man who fearlessly defended himself in front
of strangers and his management.

As Harry stood there crying, Louis rushed straight to him, took him in his arms and kept telling
him mantra-like that everything would be fine and he was proud of him. He gently pulled him into
the kitchen and sat him there in a chair at the kitchen table where Harry slumped down. Louis had
taken all the alcohol from himself and Liam and put it on the table while Harry watched everything
silently with tear-stained eyes. As Louis dropped into a chair next to him and pushed a filled glass
of ginger ale and wine mix in front of him, he said to him, "We'll drink to your courage and the
new year. And tomorrow we‘ll look for solutions. But now we forget all that. Cheers, my love”.
They looked deep into each other's eyes and Louis stroked Harry's cheeks as they bumped their
glasses into each other.

By midnight they were already halfway through the drinks and clearly drunk. Sloppy kisses were
exchanged on the balcony and while Louis smoked a cigarette, Harry hung around his body,
licking and kissing down the back of his neck. Harry used to be a horny drunk and when they went
back inside he was blowing Louis sitting on the kitchen table.

When they finally fell into bed together, totally drunk, at four in the morning, Louis pulled Harry
close and he fell asleep straight away. It took Louis a little longer, the room was spinning, and
concerns about Harry and what became of his career weren't entirely numbed by the alcohol.

With those worries back on his mind this morning, he slowly turns to Harry. Apparently they
swapped positions throughout the night and Harry snuggled up behind him in his sleep. Harry is
still sound asleep himself, his mouth hanging open, a small trail of drool running down his cheek
and soft snorts escaping him. Louis smiles slightly and wipes away the saliva with his finger, even
in this state Harry is the most beautiful man in his eyes. His curls are tousled and hanging over his
eyes. He gently brushes it off his forehead and leans forward to give him a small kiss on his
forehead. He decides to let Harry sleep and carefully slips out of his arms so as not to wake him.
After quickly throwing in a pill for his headache, he goes to the bathroom to take a shower. As he
stands under the warm jet of water and massages the shampoo into his scalp, he hears the door
open and sees Harry coming in, tired and still staggering a bit. He frees himself from his
underpants and comes straight to Louis in the shower.

"Good morning my love." Louis whispers as Harry leans right in against him and rests his head on
his shoulder.

"Hey babe" he breathes back and Louis makes sure that both are under the warm jet. He feels
Harry's morning wood poking at his stomach and grins smugly.

"My, my, Styles, do you need help with something?" he asks, patting Harry's back and pinching his
ass cheeks. Harry doesn't seem to be much of a man of words with his hangover and just pushes
his groin closer to Louis. Harry lifts his head from Louis' shoulder and starts kissing him directly.
Their fingers slide over their water-slick bodies and Louis gets goosebumps as Harry just runs his
fingertips over the head of his cock.

He moans loudly and presses himself tightly against Harry, looking for friction for his cock, which
is now also rock hard. Harry sticks his tongue in his mouth, taking the lead and Louis lets him. He
suspects that after yesterday's chaos he needs to feel in control today. And so it doesn't surprise him
when Harry finds his way into Louis' ass crack with his fingers and finally puts gentle pressure on
his hole. Meanwhile, Harry keeps moving his hips so that their cocks rub against each other, the
water pouring down on them letting them slide comfortably. Harry pulls Louis' ass cheek apart
with one hand to make room and slowly inserts a finger inside him. He’s completely overwhelmed
with the different sensations, can't decide what feels better. Harry's cock sliding up and down his
own, his long finger, which has meanwhile found the sensitive nerve inside him and creates a
pleasant feeling in his stomach, or his hungry kisses.

He loses himself completely in Harry and no longer knows where his body begins and ends. Harry
and he moan into their mouths, the kisses are fierce and their teeth often clash together. But neither
of them bothers, both are heading towards their orgasm. Louis can already feel his cock twitching,
his stomach muscles contracting with each caress of Harry's fingers over his prostate. "God
Lou...i...I'm close. You're so sexy," groans Harry, letting go of his ass cheek only to reach for their
cocks in the next moment and grab them together in his big hand. "Me too love...feels...feels soooo
good" Louis breathes back and tosses his head back as Harry moves his hand up and down, putting
more pressure on both dicks. Harry starts breathing and moaning loud and fast, letting the sexiest
tones slip out of his full lips and Louis could just come from this on its own. He turns his eyes,
half-open in lust, to Harry and watches his face screw up in bliss, feeling Harry's come throbbing
on his own cock. As he looks down, his cock and stomach are spattered white with Harry's come,
but the water washes it right away. Since Harry is still overwhelm of his orgasm and no longer
seems able to continue to pleasure Louis with his finger, he begins to fuck himself on Harry's finger
as best he can while standing. So close to his own orgasm, it's almost torture that Harry stopped his
movements. But Harry comes back from his high and notices Louis' need. He quickly begins to
fuck him again, putting extra pressure on his spot and running his thumb over the slit on his cock
again and again. Louis finally comes with a low scream, whimpering as he spills himself over
Harry's hand and his mind goes blank. He closes his eyes, white lightning flashes through his mind
and suddenly Harry's lips are on him. Kiss him and almost in sync with the throbbing of his cock.
Coming down from his high he goes soft in Harry's arms and sinks into him. Harry slowly strokes
his back, his head and his arms. He feels so loved and satisfied. He would prefer never to leave the
shower again.

"Hey, don't fall asleep on me," Harry whispers softly and giggles.

"But this is just so perfect. Let's stay in here,” Louis murmurs, pecking Harry's chest. "Never mind,
let me wash your body and then you can make me breakfast while I finish my shower," Harry
suggests, lifting his chin with one finger, searching Louis' mouth again.

"Okay... only fair after this orgasm" Louis nods and smiles at him. All the problems in the world
seem to have disappeared into their little happy bubble. Harry just grins mischievously and starts to
rub Louis with shower gel. When he's done and Louis has showered, he dismisses him with a slap
on the ass.

Louis has decided that they’ll have their breakfast at the living room table and is already sitting on
the sofa waiting for Harry, who comes out of the bathroom with only a towel around his waist. He
is rubbing his still wet hair with a towel when Louis catches sight of him. He licks his lips and
feels the urge to touch his naked chest again. But Harry, grinning and wiggling his eyebrows,
walks around the corner into Louis' bedroom to get dressed, having felt his eyes on him. He
quickly recalls what is in front of them, a conversation about what happened yesterday, and when
Harry finally sits down on the sofa next to him and starts sipping his coffee, Louis clears his throat.

"Darling, what's next? Don't you have to…I don't know, sort things out?” he asks, watching Harry
stop moving just as he's about to put the cup down on the table. But he quickly regains his
composure and puts the cup down and directs his gaze to Louis.

"Yes but not today. I don't want to continue anyway and they can wait a few more days. I need to
sort my thoughts first.” Harry murmurs, a sadness covering his face.

"Are you sure? And what about Niall? Don't you want to make music anymore?"

"I’m very sure. For me personally, the music industry had too many downsides. I'm thankful for
the success... but I'm not satisfied. I don't want to be away from you for months anymore, I want a
life together with you. And…I hope Niall will understand that.” Harry replies and sighs. Louis
takes a moment to absorb Harry's response, takes a sip of his coffee and bites into his bread.

"You should call Niall..." Louis suggests cautiously, watching Harry.

"I'll call him after breakfast. Can we talk about something else please?” Harry asks and Louis
totally understands better than anyone that it's all too much for him right now.

"Of course my love, let's turn on the TV and finish eating"

Harry nods and so Louis turns on the TV and flips through the channels, both of them can't decide
on anything. Suddenly, arriving at the next channel, they both freeze because it's a newsmagazine
and Harry can be seen there. Louis holds his breath and looks at the photos from last night. Harry's
tales come to life and he sees the fake smile on Harry's lips upon arriving at the gala, sees the ring
on Claudia's finger. He seethes with anger as the reporter announces the next images of the fight
on the dance floor, emphasizing that Harry has admitted to having a thing for men. She even
suggests if anything was going on between Niall and Harry. When he sees Claudia kissing Harry
and in the next series of pictures and Harry pushes her away, he quickly turns off the television.
Shocked, he looks over at Harry who is sitting there with a stony face, an eerie silence falls over
the living room.

But it doesn't last long because suddenly there are knocks on Louis' door in quick succession and
Harry looks at him questioningly "Are you expecting visitors or has Liam forgotten his key?"

“No, Liam isn't coming here with Zayn until this afternoon. And otherwise I'm not expecting
anyone” and Louis is also surprised. It keeps knocking and Louis hurries to open the door. He
hasn't quite opened the door full when Niall storms past him. "Where is he?" he hisses and Louis
doesn't even have a chance to answer because apparently he has already found Harry in the living
room. Louis closes the door in shock and walks into the living room and shakes his head in
disbelief. Harry’s now standing in front of the sofa while Niall pokes at him with his index finger
and yells at him.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!"

He's never seen Niall so angry, he was always a sunshine at school back then. Louis can't help but
stare, barely realizing what's happening at that moment.

"Niall, I'm sorry...but it was too much...I-" Harry starts to defend himself only to be interrupted.

"SAVE YOUR EXCUSE. I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. DID YOU THINK ABOUT ME
FOR ONE SECOND WHEN YOU RUINED EVERYTHING YESTERDAY?”

Niall has a red face, his voice cracks but Harry has had enough and gets angry too. He yells back
and Louis is at a loss, should he intervene?

"I HAVE HAD TO PRETEND FOR THE SAKE OF YOU AND OUR CAREER FOR THE LAST
YEARS!"

“LIKE YOU DIDN'T BENEFIT FROM IT. YOU ARE A HUGE ASSHOLE!” Niall yells and
balls his fist. Louis sees it and feels the mood getting more aggressive and just as he's about to
intervene, Niall hits Harry's nose with full force. Not believing what he is witnessing, Louis quickly
rushes towards Niall and pushes him away from Harry.

"Touch him again and I'll finish you off Horan. Get out of my apartment. NOW!” he hisses at
Niall. He just snorts and turns away from Harry with one last hateful glare and walks away without
a word in quick steps. He slams the door behind him and Louis quickly takes Harry in his arms and
leads him to the bathroom. Harry put his hand in front of his nose, but blood is already dripping
through the cracks of his fingers. "That motherfucker," Harry mumbles as he walks beside him,
wiping tears from the corners of his eyes.
Louis gently leads Harry to the edge of the bathtub and pushes him down so he sits. He quickly
puts a towel in Harry’s hand and he holds it in front of his nose. "Let me see if it's broken. Does it
hurt a lot, darling?” Louis asks concerned and gently cups Harry's face, turning it left to right and
up and down to see if his nose looks broken.

"It hurts like a bitch," Harry wails.

"May I touch it to feel that nothing is broken?" asks Louis, and when Harry nods, he gently runs a
finger along his nose. Harry flinches and murmurs a soft "ouch" but lets Louis do it. "It doesn't feel
broken. I hope the bleeding stops soon and then we cool your nose. Oh god darling, I'm so sorry,”
Louis says sympathetically, hugging Harry. "You don't have to be sorry. I'll accept anything if I'm
happy with you in the end" he says in a pained voice.

"Even in pain you're cheesy" Louis grins and gently kisses Harry's curls.

July 1995

Things have calmed down for a few weeks, but the last few months have been anything but easy.
Harry was being dragged through the media after the New Year's Eve incident. Harry had to pay
high contractual penalties and only thanks to his lawyer he’s not completely in debt but all his
assets have gone to his management. In addition, the management insisted on an interview in which
he had to take all the blame for the failure of the relationship with Claudia and the rupture of 'No
Judgment'. The relationship with Claudia continued to be sold as genuine and Harry was portrayed
as the cheating man who left Claudia for another man. Of course, as a media victim, Claudia
received a lot of encouragement and sympathy and her career was not damaged. Niall hasn't
contacted Harry since and continues to make music on his own. Very successfully even. He
released a song shortly after 'No Judgment' broke up in which he sings about the split and the pain
of being betrayed by his best friend. The media were straight digging in on it. Harry himself was
doing very poorly with all of this and often Louis held him in his arms, comforting him when he
could hardly speak for tears.

Liam and Zayn have also stood by Harry's side and were there for him whenever a new article or
feature came up on TV, although they hadn't known him for long. The four of them often sat in the
living room and played games to distract Harry or went to a pub together that wasn't very busy.
Harry was always nervous about being recognized and getting hate.

Tonight, the four of them are sitting on the balcony enjoying the balmy summer night. Everyone
has a beer in their hand and all but Harry are smoking a cigarette.

As Louis gives Harry a quick kiss on the mouth, because why not, Zayn clears his throat. Both
look over at him.

"Lads, we have something to tell you," says Zayn, taking another drag on his cigarette and slowly
letting the smoke out of his mouth.

"Are you pregnant?" Louis jokes, causing a loud laugh to escape from Harry.

"Not quite," grins Liam, "we're moving in together."

"Wow, I'm happy for you," says Louis and smiles at both of them and sees out of the corner of his
eye how Harry grins, agreeing with Louis. "How did you plan it?"
"I'm moving to Zayn. Next week we want to take my things to him….Louis, I hope you are ok with
it? But since Harry already lives as well as here anyway, you certainly don’t mind if I move out so
quickly, do you?”

And it's true. Since Harry has hardly any money left and had to give up his own apartments in
London and LA, he has spent every day with Louis since January. When Louis came home from
sessions with artists he was writing songs with, Harry would often cook and was waiting with
dinner for him. Or washed the laundry, cleaned or otherwise kept the apartment in good shape.
Harry has a very bad conscience because he’s dependent on Louis and his money, so to speak, and
has not yet found a job out there again. And so he has at least been able to give something back to
Louis and Liam over the last few months.

"Of course Liam, you don't have to worry. Harry is officially moving in with me then. Is that right
darling?” asks Louis and pulls his boyfriend close to him. It's as if Harry is briefly the shy boy of
back then and Louis is transported back to 1987 when he sees Harry's cheeks blush and he lowers
his gaze. "Yeah...thanks Lou," Harry breathes and Louis pinches his red cheek. "You don't have to
thank me for anything. At least now we don't have to have quiet sex anymore!” Louis laughs and
Zayn and Liam both groan and shake their heads. "Like you guys bothered to do it quietly
beforehand..." Zayn murmurs and everyone bursts out in giggles together like little schoolboys.

It's September 28th, 1995 and it's been almost a year with Harry by his side.
His heart is full of love.
 Chapter 21
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

XXI

March 1996

Louis and Harry walk hand in hand into their new flat in North of London. Harry now gives private
lessons as a vocal coach and is very successful with it. It was therefore necessary to find an
apartment with more space so that he would have his own room for his singing lessons and he
could work undisturbed with his customers. It was important for Louis himself to have his own
room in which to work. In addition to songwriting, he also composes them and passes them on to
musicians. His dream from back then has come true and his songs are sung by famous artists. Just
last month, Celine Dion topped the charts with his song 'Think Twice', which he still had the lyrics
from when he and Harry broke up. Celine Dion isn't Louis' taste in music herself, but he's so proud
that he's achieved it.

With the income from the songs and Harry's new job, both of them can afford their new apartment
and Louis has the feeling that everything in his life is finally going well.

He has been clean for four months and hasn’t cut himself again, thanks to the constant support of
Harry and his therapist.

Louis reviews all of this while watching Harry telling the movers where to put their furniture. It's a
wild mess, boxes are everywhere and the workers are handling the pieces through the apartment.
Louis wishes they had already done the unpacking and decorating, he never enjoyed moving unlike
Harry who helps out with a big grin, already unpacking boxes or making coffee and tea for the
workers. In their large living room already stands a long sideboard and Louis, who is carrying the
picture of Jay under his arm so that it doesn't break in one of the boxes, puts it down gently and
slowly strokes it. His mum would definitely be proud of him and Harry, that they managed to find
each other again. He knows it for sure and feels like she is with him at this moment. He looks at
the smile on his mother's face, smiles back slightly himself and then goes to Harry, who is just
crouching in front of the still empty kitchen cupboards and is about to start putting the dishes in the
cupboards. Louis collapses onto the kitchen floor next to him and leans his head against his back.

"Already exhausted?" Harry smiles as he looks around at him.

"I wish it was over and we could christen our new bed," Louis sighs, sliding his hand over Harry's
stomach to emphasize his words.

"Mhm...if you help now instead of distracting me and making me horny, you can fuck me tonight"
Harry whispers to him so that the workers don't hear about it. Louis doesn't need to be told twice
and goes straight to work, making Harry laugh out loud.

ꨄ
June 1995

Both are cuddled together in their bed. They enjoy the morning silence and only the chirping of the
birds sounds in from outside through the open window. Harry's head rests on Louis' chest and
Louis is stroking Harry's arms when he suddenly looks up at him.

"I want to invite Niall to our place. I miss him…” says Harry and Louis nods.

"That's a good idea. You should speak to him and clear things out. Do you have his number?”
Louis asks, stroking a cheeky lock of hair off Harry's forehead.

"Only the old one from back then. I hope I can reach him under that,” Harry replies.

"Should I then stay with you at the meeting, if he agrees to come, or should I bother Liam and
Zayn a bit in the meantime?" he asks with a wry grin. Harry chuckles softly but then replies
seriously, "Please stay with me. Umm...I think it's good if you act as a buffer...not that I'm sitting
here with a bloody nose again."

"I don't think that will happen again darling. In over a year he should have come to his mind…”
Louis murmurs, turning on his side to look at Harry. His face is thoughtful and he leans forward to
kiss away the worry lines on his forehead. He doesn't like it when Harry looks unhappy and makes
sure that with every little kiss, he just plants across Harry's face, his smile widens a little more. He
begins to lightly tickle Harry's waist and watches fondly as Harry giggles and squirms to escape his
fingertips.

"Stop it baby" Harry pleads and Louis immediately obeys and gives him a loud smack on his
mouth.

"Come on, let's get up. Just go call him, hush hush,” he says to Harry and begins to roll him off the
bed. Harry rolls his eyes with a smile and pads across the apartment to the phone. While Louis
begins to make coffee for them and allows Harry some privacy, he can't help but listen to Harry's
voice as he seems to be successful in reaching Niall.

"Hey...uhm...Harry here" then there is a short silence and Louis stops moving so as not to miss
anything.

"I wanted to ask if… if you want to visit Louis and me in our new apartment? To talk about
everything?” and Louis hears how uncertain Harry sounds, afraid of saying the wrong thing.

"For real? Oh wow…thanks Niall” and apparently that spells success. Louis grins to himself and is
so happy for him. Although Harry hasn't talked about it much, Louis knows he's missed Niall a lot
over the last year and has suffered from losing his best friend since school days. He hears Harry
giving him the address and hanging up the phone. He quickly fills the water in the coffee maker
and presses the button to turn it on as Harry comes into the kitchen with a big grin on his face.

"I assume it was successful?" Louis winks and pulls him into his arms. "Like you didn't overhear
everything," Harry says, nudging the tip of his nose with his index finger.

"You caught me," Louis admits, running his hands through Harry's full curls, which he now wears
shoulder-length. "When will he come?"

"Afterwards at 3 p.m. Do you think it’s a good idea if I’ll bake a cake?” Harry asks thoughtfully,
seeming to be getting nervous again. Louis can't help but laugh a little,

"Like I know Niall, that's probably the best peace offering you can do!" Harry also has to laugh
about it and so they both set the kitchen table for breakfast in a good mood.

Harry had started baking right after breakfast and is now nervously waiting for Niall. It's already
three o'clock and he should be here any moment. Louis already gave up trying to calm Harry down
an hour ago, he just sits on the armchair in the living room and watches him silently as Harry paces
back and forth and is starting to get nervous about it himself. Thank god Niall isn't waiting any
longer and the doorbell rings. Harry stops and rushes to the door. Louis leans a little to the side on
the armchair to be able to watch the first encounter. Harry and Niall look at each other in silence
for a moment in the open door only to hug each other the next moment. That was easier than
expected, Louis thinks and waves to Niall, who now comes into the apartment behind Harry.
"Hi Niall" he greets him but remains seated in his chair, this is the moment of the two friends and
he wants to hold back a bit.

"Hey Louis, nice to see you," Niall grins at him and lets his eyes wander briefly through the living
room, he also seems to be tense and can't maintain eye contact.

Harry offers Niall a seat on the sofa and quickly fetches the cake and plates from the kitchen. Louis
senses the tension in the room and watches as Harry, with quick hasty movements, distributes a
piece of cake onto a plate for each of them. When the cake fork falls to the floor and Harry's cheeks
turn red, Louis sighs and murmurs a soft "Calm down darling" which earns him an annoyed
sideways glance from Harry. He quickly raises his hands in defense and looks away.

"Did you bake the cake?" Niall asks, and Louis is grateful that he's trying to break the awkward
silence.

"Yeah, I thought talking was better over a piece of cake, right?" Harry nods quickly and hands a
plate to Niall and one to Louis who silently begins to eat the cake. Harry takes his plate as well and
sits down next to Niall on the sofa. While Niall, quite the same as back then, has just started
shoving large chunks into his mouth, Harry just pokes at his cake, nothing ever goes into his
mouth.

"Niall...I...um...I'm sorry about how things went back then," Harry stutters at some point and Louis
just has the urge to pull him onto his lap to calm him down. He sees Niall glance at Harry and put
his hand on Harry's leg reassuringly.

"I'm sorry too Harry. Especially about your nose. I should’ve never hit you,” he murmurs, looking
down ruefully.

"I forgave you long ago. I guess I deserved it,” Harry replies, making Louis snort loud. Harry and
Niall both look at him, apparently having forgotten that he's still there.

"I don't want to get involved, but you certainly didn't deserve to be beaten! And now carry on...I'm
waiting for the happy ending" demands Louis with a mischievous smile and goes back to his cake.

"Can we be friends again? I miss you terribly…” Harry begs, turning his full attention back to
Niall. Niall puts his plate down on the table and in response pulls Harry close and hugs him tightly.
"Of course H! And I missed you too.”

They laugh a little with relief and hold on to each other for a moment longer. Louis watches
everything with a smile.

Over the next few hours, they show Niall their entire apartment and update each other on their life.
It's like before when the three of them met in the breaks or after school. They laugh a lot together.
Niall talks about his newest girlfriend and that he'll be back on tour soon and Louis tells about his
career and Harry's new job. In the evening everyone says goodbye with a group hug and promises
to see each other again as soon as possible.

August 1995

While cleaning up his desk, Louis falls back on the voucher from last Christmas and quickly goes
to the kitchen where Harry is cooking.

"Love, we absolutely have to use my voucher!" and waves the note in front of Harry's nose. Harry
seems confused for a moment before he understands which voucher Louis is talking about.

"Oh yeah definitely. Should I call him directly and make an appointment?” Harry asks, wiping his
hands on his pastel blue apron.

Louis nods happily and shoves Harry towards the phone, making him laugh. He takes the voucher
from Louis' hand and dials the number on it. He makes an appointment for them in three days.
Because Harry still knows the tattoo artist well from the times of his career with 'No judgment', he
pushed them in between.

When they walk hand in hand through London three days later, Louis is already excited. They have
been thinking about what they want for the last few days but have not come to a decision and are
now hoping for the help of the tattoo artist.

Harry enters the tattoo parlor first, dragging Louis behind him. The studio looks very classy and
clean, framed pictures of the tattooist's drawings are hanging everywhere and Louis looks around
with interest while Harry is already talking to his old friend about their plan. The tattoo artist, Ben
is his name, is already pulling out books with templates to show Harry suggestions for couple
tattoos.

Louis listens with half an ear when his eyes fall on two drawings and he falls in love with them
straight away. "Darling! Come here!” he shouts excitedly, waving to Harry. Ben and Harry look up
in surprise and both come over to him. Louis points to a rose and a dagger, "That's it! Harry, please,
say you like it too." Louis looks at Harry expectantly, uses his most beautiful gaze and watches as
Harry steps closer and takes a closer look at the drawings. The rose is delicately drawn and he
gazes at it for a long time. He starts smiling slightly and looks at Louis. "That's a good idea. But
only if I get the rose” Harry winks and Louis agrees with a wild nod.

Ben watches the two with crossed arms and an amused look and finally pulls the frame off the wall
to get the drawing out.

"I can't believe how quickly we made the decision. It's like it found us and not the other way
around,” Louis babbles, happy with the decision and that Harry was so easily convinced. Harry
giggles, pulls Louis close, whispers "I love you" in his ear, and kisses him. Both skilfully overhear
Ben clearing his throat and don't let themselves be disturbed. Today, when Louis thinks back to the
dilemma and disappointment of Harry's first tattoo, he would like to tell his younger self that
everything will be fine and that it just takes them a little longer to be this happy.

"Lads, I'm ready. Who wants first?” Ben asks and they look at each other for a moment. "It's your
gift babe, you should go first," says Harry, already pushing Louis towards Ben with one hand on
his back. "Come with me darling" he says and so they go into the other room with Ben. Louis sits
 down on the chair and puts his arm down on the shelf. Ben disinfects everything, shaves the hairs
on his arm and places the template. Louis is a bit nervous because his fine scars are so fully visible
and he’s ashamed of them. It's not something he's proud of and he's scared of what other people
think of him. But Ben doesn't make a face or show anything as he gets a little closer to see if the
drawing was transferred completely.

"How do you like it, Louis? Should I ink it like this or place it another way?” asks Ben and Louis
lifts his arm a little, turns it in different directions and Harry also watches closely. Louis catches
Harry's eye and when he nods, with a big smile he gives Ben the consent to tattoo the dagger under
his skin forever. Harry held his hand the whole time and kept giving him light pecks on the cheek.

As Louis is finished and proudly looks at his work in the mirror, he briefly excuses himself for a
cigarette but promises to be right back when Harry gets his rose. He goes outside and leans against
the wall of the house while lighting his cigarette. Again and again his gaze wanders to his new
tattoo and Louis comes to the realization that this is also symbolic of his past. The dagger now
hides part of his many small scars. Just as Harry healed his heart again, covering it with his love
like balm.

When he goes back inside, Harry is already seated in the chair with the template on his arm, on the
same spot as his dagger. Louis bends over his arm and looks at it. "It'll look beautiful when it's
finished," he breathes and sits next to Harry in the chair. "You're good to go Ben, my man said it’s
okay," Harry says, and Louis feels dizzy for a moment. My man. Harry had never said anything
like this before and he hopes it won't be the last time. Louis takes Harry's hand and squeezes it
briefly, unable to find words after what those two words are doing to Louis inside. Ben rolls his
eyes with a grin and starts tattooing.

When they both look at each other in the mirror with their matching tattoos, Louis hits the full
realization of how far they have come. How the two teenagers of that time have become two grown
men who, despite all the circumstances and difficulties, have come out of it stronger than ever.

It's September 28th, 1996 and it's been another year with Harry by his side.

He knew it then and he knows it now better than ever:

Harry is the love of his life.

Chapter End Notes

In case anyone is interested in the lryics for 'Think twice':

Don′t think I can't feel that there′s something wrong

You've been the sweetest part of my life for so long

I look in your eyes, there's a distant light

And you and I know there′ll be a storm tonight
This is getting serious
Are you thinking ′bout you or us?
Don't say, what you′re about to say

Look back before you leave my life

Be sure before you close that door
Before you roll those dice
Baby, think twice
Baby, think twice for the sake of our love, for the memory
For the fire and the faith that was you and me
Baby, I know it ain't easy when your soul cries out for a higher ground
′Cause when you're halfway up, you′re always halfway down
But baby, this is serious (This is serious)

Are you thinking 'bout you or us?

Don't say what you′re about to say
Look back before you leave my life
Be sure before you close that door
Before you roll those dice
Baby, think twi-

Baby, this is serious (This is serious)

Are you thinking ′bout you or us?
Baby
Don't say what you′re about to say (No, no, no, no)
Look back before you leave my life (Don't leave my life)
Be sure before you close that door
Before you roll those dice
Baby, think twice (Don′t do what you're about to do)

My everything depends on you (I depend on you)

Whatever it takes, I′ll sacrifice
Before you roll those dice
(Don't do it, baby, no, don't do it, baby) Don′t say what you′re about to say
Look back before you leave my life (Don't leave my life)
Be sure before you close that door
Before you roll those dice
Baby, think twice
 Chapter 22
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Epilogue

February 1997

It's the middle of the night, Harry has sneaked out of the bedroom and walked quietly into his
study. He has known for months that he wants to propose to Louis and has been feverishly
considering an idea ever since. It should be something special, something with meaning and
tonight when Louis fell asleep in his arms and he looked at him for a long time, the idea finally
came to him.

And so he’s now sitting here at his desk, only the diffuse light of the small desk lamp illuminates
the room and his pen literally flies over the paper.

Of course, Harry knows that gay marriage is still forbidden, but it’s going to be a promise to Louis
that he will marry him as soon as possible. Harry has now also joined OutRage! and he goes to
every demo with Louis to still demand the same rights as for everyone else.

Now, at 26, he often looks back on the frightened Harry from back at school, and he often
shudders when he thinks of how painful it must have been for Louis that Harry wasn’t able to stand
by him. It wasn't just his sexual interest in a girl with Amy, but also his fears led him to break up
with Louis. He wanted to appear normal, even if he now knows that being queer is nothing
abnormal. A lot of pain could have been spared both of them if Harry had the knowledge and
confidence of today, but ultimately he doesn't want to think about the pain he caused Louis
anymore and wants to make sure he's happy with him for the rest of his life.

Thoughtfully, he repeatedly taps the tip of his pen on his nose, pulls his eyebrows together in
concentration and thinks about the right words.

Two hours later he’s satisfied and puts down the pen. His eyes sting with fatigue as he reads it all
over again and then carefully folds the sheet and places it all the way down in his drawer. He
quietly goes back to his sleeping boyfriend and snuggles up to him, who hasn't noticed his absence.

The next morning, unusually, it's Louis who got up first and let Harry sleep. Then the memory
comes back to him that Louis has a songwriting session away from home today and still tired he
swings himself out of bed. He finds Louis in the bathroom brushing his teeth and looking so cute
with the foam around his mouth. Harry kisses him on the cheek as he passes by and sits on the
closed toilet and watches Louis with his morning routine.

Louis spits the toothpaste into the sink and when he has rinsed his mouth out he asks him with a
sweet smile "I thought you'd never wake up. Are you alright darling? You don't usually sleep that
long?"

Harry hopes he doesn't read the lie on his face, "I'm fine, it just took me a little longer to fall asleep
last night. The full moon is definitely to blame for that” and Louis looks thoughtful for a moment,
seems to be considering whether there was a full moon at all, but then lets the subject drop.
Harry gets his toothbrush himself but sits back down on the toilet to brush his teeth there. Louis has
just started shaving his beard and Harry is immediately reminded of the 18-year-old boy who stood
in front of him at the club with his youthful charm and great self-confidence. Harry was so
intimidated by his instant crush and to this day he still feels a bit of embarrassment as he reflects on
his clumsiness when he stumbled onto Louis and dumped him with his drink. He still wonders
what Louis saw in him back then, he only sees the shy, insecure and awkward boy. But Louis was
so sure right away, gave him the feeling that he was being taken seriously and that he could say
anything to Louis. In hindsight, Harry knows he also loved Louis directly in that innocent teenage
way. And that's why he can't wait to ask Louis. He doesn't want to wait much longer now that he
has the idea and decides to ask the question of all questions when Louis gets home tonight.

Louis says goodbye to him a short time later with a long kiss and his guitar over his shoulder and
when the door slams shut, Harry searches all the cupboards for tea lights and candles so that he can
light up the living room tonight. When he looks at his gathering lying in front of him, he’s satisfied
and thinks about what he still has to do. He goes into the kitchen and chills two bottles of wine
until he suddenly freezes. How could he be so stupid and forget the most important thing? A ring!
He slaps his forehead with his hand and panics. He quickly looks around for his wallet and finds it
in his jacket pocket which he immediately pulls over and rushes outside to catch the next tube to
central London. On the way he calms down again, knowing he still has the whole day to buy a ring
and decorate the apartment. Oh my God, I'm really asking Louis to be my husband tonight , Harry
realizes, and can't help feeling a little nervous.

In the evening he looks at his preparations one last time and lights all the candles. He turned off all
the lights so that the big heart of tea lights in the middle of the living room lit up the room. He has
placed and enlightened the other candles on the cupboards around. There’s a bottle of wine and
two glasses on the living room table. The ring, a plain silver one, is in his pocket. Harry is now
sick with nervousness, he keeps looking at himself in the mirror in the hallway, running his hand
through his curly strands and encouraging himself. He never understood why Louis started
smoking back then, but at this moment he wishes he had something to calm his nerves too. On the
spur of the moment he goes to the display case where they keep all the alcohol and pours himself a
small glass of pure tequila and quickly swallows it. He shudders at the bitter taste and hopes it
calms him down a bit. As he puts the glass in the sink, he hears a key turn in the front door and
quickly rushes into the living room to stand behind the heart of tea lights. He takes another long
breath and then Louis is already in front of him. His blue eyes look up at him in surprise and he
gapes at what Harry has created.

"Harry... what... what's all this about?" Louis stammers and places his guitar on the wall and walks
towards him.

"Stop baby...could you lend me your guitar and sit on the sofa with me?" Harry asks, smiling softly
at him. Louis, still visibly confused, grabs his guitar again and hands it to Harry. He thanks him
quietly and when they are both sitting across from each other on the sofa, he quickly kisses Louis.

"Lou...I've prepared something...as I'm sure you can see," Harry giggles nervously, continuing on
before his nerves get the better of him, "I'm going to play you something now and I want you to
listen carefully. Can you do that for me baby?"

Louis nods, still speechless. He keeps glancing back and forth between all the candles and Harry.
Harry clears his throat and begins to play. A look of recognition crosses Louis's face and Harry can
imagine he’s wondering why he's playing 'Careless Whisper' for him.
He smiles at Louis, his beautiful Louis, one last time and then begins to sing. He spent the whole
day learning and memorizing the lyrics he modified last night so that he can now sing them freely
for Louis. He sings the first verses with an unsure voice, doesn’t know if Louis likes it, but when
he sees the growing smile and tears glisten in his eyes, he feels more secure and sings the last verse
more confident, looking deep into Louis' eyes and his own heart beating in his throat.

I feel so sure
As I take your hand
And sit before you on my knees
As the music plays
Something in your eyes

Calls to my soul and heart

And all I need is you
I'll always gonna dance with you
Our feet just in the same rhythm
Like the beating of our hearts
I know I was such a fool
I should've known better than to leave you love
And waste the chance that I'd been given

So I'm gonna ask you now

Will you marry me baby?

Harry doesn't even get a chance to put the guitar down as Louis snatches it from his hands and
quickly puts it aside. He lunges at him with full force and Harry falls backwards onto the sofa with
him.

"Yes, I do" exclaims Louis, making Harry the happiest man in the world. Their lips crash into each
other and don't let go. When they have to catch their breath, Harry breathes an "I love you" at him
and Louis' eyes light up so blue when he replies, "I love you too, my love".

Louis quickly frees him and himself from all clothes and gets the lube from the bedroom naked. "I
want to make love to my fiancé," he grins mischievously as he rolls back onto Harry on the sofa.
They don't have much space, but that doesn't seem to bother him. Harry strokes Louis' hair back
and from there continues to run his hands down Louis' back. He loves his soft skin and delicate
build. Louis has already dropped lube on his finger and is finding his way to his hole. Harry moans
as he enters him, still a little loose from last night's sex. Louis doesn't give Harry much time to get
used to one finger and shortly afterwards pushes the second in. "Mhm so eager baby" moans Harry
and Louis kisses him hard, "Your marriage proposal turned me on.“

He pulls his fingers out of his hole and before Harry knows it, Louis has lube smeared on his cock
and Harry opens his legs to make room for him. His cock is so hard and he grabs it to give it a
quick squeeze and get some relief. When Louis finally slides into him, he whimpers softly, he
loves it when Louis fills him up and lets him feel how much he desires him. Harry has never felt
more loved and valued with anyone else than with Louis. As he releases his cock, Louis leans
slightly forward toward his ear, his hips slowly moving up and down in circles. "Keep touching
yourself darling, you're so sexy when you hold your big cock in your hand. Show me how you
wank yourself while I spoil your hole". And oh god, this man and his mouth will be his death some
day, it floods Harry. He loves it when Louis talks dirty to him. Louis pushes himself up with his
arms again, giving Harry room to grab his cock. Louis licks his lips as Harry grabs his cock and
begins to jerk off in rhythm with Louis' hips. "Now play with your nipples with the other
hand...hmm love, so sexy" he says and goosebumps form on Harry's body. He obeys Louis and
plays with his nipples, pulling and twisting them until they are so sensitive that Harry can hardly
stand it anymore. Louis has now grabbed Harry's hips and mercilessly slams into him. His eyes,
dark blue with passion and arousal, look down at him greedily and he moans with every thrust.
Harry comes suddenly and surprisingly, the sensations on his body didn't let him feel his orgasm
was approaching and so a large load of cum spurts onto his stomach, he moans in surprise and
mewls under Louis who watches Harry with a raised eyebrow. "Wow..." Louis just breathes and
continues to fuck Harry hard, who hasn't quite come down from his high yet.

"God you look so filthy with your red nipples and your come all over the place. You're the sexiest
fiancé in the whole world,” Louis grunts, and after a few more minutes of fucking Harry hard, he
finally falls over the edge too and his cock pumps long and hard into Harry's hole. Anyway, Harry
feels completely devastated and needs a moment to regain his composure. Louis has let fall on him
during his orgasm and lies exhausted and breathing wildly on him. His hair tickles Harry's chin and
he wraps his arms around Louis to hold him close.

"Darling?" Louis suddenly murmurs into his chest.

"Mmm?"

"Where's my ring?" asks Louis, raising his head to look at him with a cheeky grin. Harry blushes a
little, of course, how could he forget that? Though then again, he didn't stand much of a chance of
getting it out at all.

Harry gently pushes Louis up, ignoring the spurs of their come on their bellies. Louis sits on his
knees on the sofa and watches as Harry bends over and grabs his pants. He quickly pulls out the
ring and sits up. Louis has put his hands together in front of his mouth and is fidgeting a bit. Harry
looks at him fondly and opens the box to hold it in front of him. "Never thought I'd ask you freshly
fucked and naked, but here we are. Louis William Tomlinson, will you marry me as soon as the
law allows us? And until then, wear my ring as a promise that I won't be without you another day?"

Louis beams at him, whispers a "yes" and grabs the ring. "I like how simple it is," says Louis,
twisting it back and forth between his fingers. "May I put it on you?" Harry asks and Louis hands it
over.

He quickly slips it over his middle finger on his left hand and breathes a sigh of relief when it
glides over his fingers without any problems.

"We're engaged baby!" Harry exclaims happily and they cuddle again.

They don't move from the sofa during the evening, lying naked under the blanket and clinking their
wine glasses together. Louis keeps looking at his ring in awe and Harry can't resist the urge to take
his hand and kiss the ring.

It's September 28, 1997 and ten years after they first met, Harry and Louis are celebrating their
commitment ceremony in the presence of their friends and family.

The End
Chapter End Notes

Wow it really is finished and I hope you felt the emotions and suffered as much as I
did while writing it. I put all my heart in this story and I’m happy about every
comment or Kudo you’ll may give me.

I am already writing my next story 'You sunshine, you temptress' and you can find it
already online as a WIP.

It is important to me to point out the following numbers after this story and the self
harm described in it, should you ever feel so bad that your well-being and life is in
danger, please use this here:
Please drop by the archive and comment to let the author know if you enjoyed their work!