Stripping Away Your False Self

8/8/2019 “So, I Quit” - Why stripping away your False Self is the best way forward | Eggshell Transformations
“So, I Quit” - Why stripping away your

False Self is the best way forward |
Eggshell Transformations
(Originally Sent as a part of the Letters to the Emotionally Intense, in

February, 2018)
Dear ones
First of all, thank you so, so much for your support for the book Emotional
Sensitivity and Intensity. I am happy to announce that within a month of its
launch, the book has hit No. 1 on Amazon in its category!
Your feedback, support and reviews are extremely meaningful; it fills me

with joy and hope to know that we are not alone, and collectively we can
make ripples. At this stage, the Amazon reviews are especially powerful, as
they help to get the message “there is nothing wrong with you” into the
hands of more people who need it. If nothing else, every single word of
support from you is deeply nourishing to me. They are helping me put one
foot in front of the other to do this work :D. So here is my big, heartfelt
THANK YOU for being a part of the tribe!
In today’s letter, I would like us to continue exploring the perennial tension

between authenticity and belongingness. This is a difficult subject for
many emotionally intense people. Your passionate nature, integrity and
independent thinking often set you apart from the mainstream, and you feel
loneliness more penetratively, more frequently, and more pervasively.
Many of us have developed an adaptive social self, or a way of being that is
https://www.eggshelltransformations.com/freearticles/so-i-quit 1/19
carefully edited, partially silenced and rigidly held. Extended from a

childhood pattern, our investment in a facade can take many forms. We
may be stuck in an unsatisfactory job, a dysfunctional relationship, or we
hold back from being emotionally honest and expressive with others.
Sometimes, we overstay in a community even when we clearly don’t fit in,
driven by the parts of us stubbornly believe if we try hard enough, we will
find love and acceptance. Though on the outside we appear secure,
inwardly we may feel fragile, numb and insecure, for in continually posing
for others we would have lost touch with who we are.
I will start with a personal sharing about my struggle to walk away from the
conventional myths of what we must do and the cultural confines of what it
means to be successful. Then, we draw on the psychological theory of True
Self vs False Self to see how it explains our ways of being in the world.
After that, I would like to propose a new way of thinking about success,
abundance, and happiness in life, ending with the small changes that we
can start making today to work towards inner freedom. I hope this piece
would be useful to you in some way and nudge you towards a more
congruent, fulfilling life path as an original, creative spirit.
‘We see that the character who misfits or is outcast has their own kind of
weird beauty or meaning, even if it is not always the same as the hero’s
happy ending. Edward Scissorhands, for instance, do not get to lead any
sleigh ride. But they do earn the right to a place in the world that is utterly
original.'
-Lidia Yuknavitch
SO, I QUIT
I would like to share with you something I did this month that was big and
scary for me:
I left the Doctoral program that I was on.
After four long years of time, energy, money, and hope invested in this
endeavour, and with only 2.5 years towards completion, I have chosen to
drop out at this point. This indeed is one of the most daunting decisions of
my life- as it cuts to the core of who I feel I am in the world.
As someone who had felt like a misfit all her life, I have devoted a lot, a lot,
A LOT of energy in making myself ‘fit in’. And getting some ‘recognisable
qualifications’, or being employed in a ‘big, reputable organisation’, seem-
at least to the eight-year-old Imi who always wanted to play with the
popular girls- to be the way.
And then, of course, there is the influence of having been born and bred in
Hong Kong. The idea of academic achievements was glamorised
throughout my early years, setting me up for a lifelong path of chasing
something that does not represent the real me, to impress people who were
irrelevant to me.
This was not the first time I have contorted myself for the sake of
conforming to the conventional definition of success— the ‘trophy
boyfriend’, the job at the National Health System (NHS), the glamour of
being a Company Director— no matter how many signals my body and
feelings were sending me, I simply would not quit. Yet after I have buried
my soul’s needs to fit in, I ended up with feeling more lonely than ever. It
turns out we really cannot feel belonged when we are not ourselves.
But Life plunges us into our Truths despite our resistance. With the NHS, it
was my sound sensitivity that pushed me over the edge. It seems absurd,
but my misophonia was just the ‘last straw’ for the painful rupture inside of
me.
For the last two years, the incongruence of pursuing the formal academic
path has been screaming louder and louder. Every minute that I invested in
writing the essays was a sacrifice for the precious time I can use to do my
authentic and creative work, and use my energy and passion to make
ripples in the world. Knowing that I only have one short life, I went to bed
every night feeling guilty, resentful, restless and sick to my core.
In the end, my body pushed me out of the program.
When I finally quit, I remembered a quote from Paulo Coelho that I came
across at 17: 'When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped
being who I am, I found myself.'
Life throws us the same lesson again and again until we get the message. I
hope that this time, I have got it. However disconcerting the process has
been, this could be the last push for me to honour my place in the world,
proudly and freely. Rather than trying to prove myself via a qualification, I
fall back on nothing else but my original, unaltered self.
So from now on, I can no longer hide behind an academic doctorate. I will
always ‘just’ be Imi Lo.
unnamed-1.jpg
Break down your walls. It is breathtaking inside.
- Cara Alwill Leyba
“TRUE SELF, FALSE SELF”
The idea of a ‘True Self’ vs a ‘False Self’ was introduced into

psychoanalysis by D.W. Winnicott (1960). He used "True Self" to describe a
sense of self based on authentic experience, and a feeling of being alive.
Unlike our True Self, the False Self is a defensive facade, one which in
extreme cases could leave someone feeling dead and empty on the inside.
His theory came from the observation that a neglected baby will blame
herself for her parents’ lack of interest, and thereby create an artificial
version of herself in the hope of winning their love and attention. While
Winnoctt said we develop a ‘False Self’ to please our ‘mother’, here
‘mother’ does not only mean our real mother but any societal or
interpersonal demands, as well as the internal pressure that we give
ourselves to fit into these external standards.
Building on Winnicott’s idea, psychoanalyst Susie Orbach believes the

False Self is a cultural problem. After we have internalised societal ideals,
we over-develop certain aspects of ourselves at the expense of our full
potential. As a result of an abiding distrust of what emerges spontaneously
from our inner being, we experience a mind-body split, suffer from chronic
self- doubt, unable to trust our instincts, or stand up to claim a space in the
world.
Perhaps the term “False Self" is misleading; it seems to suggest that we

intentionally put up a front— and that is not what it was. It may be more
useful to rephrase it as ‘an Adapted Self’— a social persona we use when
facing the outside world.
To a degree, a healthy Adapted Self allows us to function appropriately as

social beings. The ability to comply with convention to some extent is a
developmental achievement. The adult who has a healthy Adapted Self
does not overexpose his true feelings and thoughts but remain in touch with
his true desires and needs. However, while it is healthy to have different
‘persona’ for different settings, there is a limit to how much we can stifle our
truths.
One consequence of over-investing in our False Self is that under

oppression, our True Self can get frustrated. According to psychotherapist
Alexander Lowen, when our outside self is succumbing to conformity, our
inner being will become deviant. The difficulty is that this often happens
unconsciously under our repression and denial. If we do not address the

issue, this underlying rebellion will eventually erupt by ways of ‘acting out’.
This is when we do things that are self- sabotaging or destructive,
bypassing our rational mind and against our will. Some examples are
addictive patterns, risky behaviours, or unexpected burst of rage.
The Bible says: “No one can serve two masters, since either he will hate
one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other.”
Your soul is always aligned with your real, authentic, intense and sensitive
True Self, and any minute you invest in building, sustaining, and presenting
your facade, you will experience an internal split. Our physical and
emotional bodies will tell us when we are in our False Self for too long.
“My story isn't pleasant, it's not sweet and harmonious like the invented
stories; it tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dream, like the
life of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves.”
-Hermann Hesse
SMALL, GENTLE STEPS
Stripping away our False Self can take many forms.
It may mean stop climbing a vocational ladder that does not intrinsically
motivates you.
It may mean stop trying to pretend to be someone you are not to attract
someone who may find your ‘done-up’self attractive.
It may mean stop silencing yourself to gain others’ approval.
It may mean stop complying with regulations that you do not agree with.
But you do not have to make dramatic changes. It does not mean we all
ought to quit our day job in pursuit of the intangible passion— our needs for
material security ought to be honoured too. It does not mean you need to
leave the relationship that you have doubts in— relationships are often
nuanced and complex.
The True Self is not a static entity to work towards. It is a natural state, a
way of being that is ever-present. Like the sight of the sun, just because it
is temporarily shielded by the clouds, does not mean it is not there. So,
your task is not to ‘find’ your true self, but merely to let go of some of your
fear-based attachments. As Rumi says, you do not need to seek love, but
rather, to remove what is it that is blocking the love.
What do you do when there is no one watching? With whom do you feel
most at ease? In what occasions do your natural humour, playfulness, and
spontaneity come out? Your ‘True Self’ is your natural, spontaneous self. In
this state of child-like wonder and curiosity, there is no shame. The more
time you can spend with these feelings, the more healthy, grounded and
fulfilled you would be.
unnamed-3.jpg
She realised
that vulnerability
was easier to wear
Than vanity.
So she stripped.
Straight down to nothing.
And set herself free.
- Stripped, Cara Alwill Leyba
STRIPPING AWAY
Our False self started as a mean to survive in this world, but somehow it
has overstayed its time and has become a core part of our being.
Sometimes we are not even aware of how many cultural ‘should’ we have
taken in, and how much we have invested in our False Self. A fish can’t
see water because it’s in it. We can’t see the values we have internalised
because we are so engulfed in them.
Leaving the familiar ground of our Adapted Self is never an easy task, but a
wake-up call will inevitably come. It may come as unbearable existential
guilt, inner emptiness, depression, or sickness. Sometimes, Life very
helpfully sends us a crisis that forces us to face our truths. Then, we realise
that it is not enough to exist as a function of someone else’s— spouse,
parents, friends, society- projections and wishes, as life is too short for any
day of internal deadness.
As natural cycles of life go, we must deconstruct our current form to

recreate something new. In a way, we must die (Ego Death) to be reborn.
Alongside actual things such as relationship, titles and career trajectory, we
also need to release certain strong beliefs, a future vision, and ideas about
who we thought we were.
During the period of transition, we may cycle back and forth between the
‘stages of grieving’ suggested by Kubler-Ross: Denial, Anger, Bargaining,
Depression, Acceptance.
• Denial: I am sure I am not that different. I can do what everyone does.
• Anger: Why me? Why does it seem easy to others and not me? Why
can’t the world be a bit more understanding?
• Bargaining: Just let me give it another go, maybe I can still count on
external recognition to satisfy my needs.
• Depression: This is hopeless. I am a misfit. I will never feel happy and

fulfilled. Why do I bother? “
• Acceptance: I am who I am. Even though it is sometimes not easy to

be more intense and sensitive than others, I trust that my authenticity will
allow the right people, position, and situation to come towards me.
It is PARAMOUNT to have patience and self- compassion in this process.

Our life path, like everything in nature, works in cycles and seasons. You
now realise what has got you here may not get you to the next stage of
your self-actualisation. Think of all the time you have spent in your
Adapted Self has been a valuable exploration process, a kind of life
research that sets the foundation for your growth. You could not have
known until you know; You could not have leapt until you are ready. You
have been doing exactly ‘the right thing’ all along. For diving in and giving it
all until it no longer works, you are a triumph. There is a natural order to life
— you only know the answers just when you need to know it, not a minute
sooner or later.
“I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of

shallow living.”
― Anaïs Nin
A NEW PATH: WHY YOUR TRUE SELF IS YOUR BEST INVESTMENT
Trusting your True Self offers a new way of attaining richness in life. If you
can cross that wobbly bridge to the other side, you will find boundless
richness— from career success, financial abundance, happiness in your
relationships, to sustainable self- esteem.
By courageously stepping into authenticity, you go from trying to fit into the
convention to honouring what you believe in.
Then, you go from being a follower of set rules to being the leader of your
own values.
Then, you go from pandering to external judgement to allowing your

intensities to be seen, heard, and loved.
Finally, rather than forcing your way to achieve conventional success, you
simply let your natural exuberance (and imperfections) attract your unique
brand of abundance.
This new paradigm towards success and happiness is not the linear,
predictable path that we know. The old model says we need to work hard to
climb a ladder; the new model says the only work you need is to peel off the
facade and allow people and things to come to you. At first glance, the new
path is full of uncertainty. The old way, with a visible finishing line, seems
clear, concrete, predictable. While if you take the road less travelled by and
let what naturally springs out of you ‘attracts’ the abundance, you don’t
know what shape or form that may take (yet).
The fact that we were not given an instruction manual to follow can seem
disconcerting. However, this is only because the most primal, fear-based
part of our brain has not yet kept up with the realities of how the world
works.
Indeed, you do not have any idea what the ‘award’ would look like in the
end. But you know it will not be a job title after many years of passionless
work, or an empty but ‘conventionally approved’ marriage, or a house with
three kids’ with someone who repels you, or a company with values that do
not align with yours.
If you rely on your True Self, you are not looking for any gaps to fill, any
external regulation to comply with, or any outsiders’ gaze to satisfy. You
focus on nothing but Joseph Campbell’s famous advice of ‘following your
bliss’. This is paradoxically the most certain path because you know you
have enjoyed the process. You can leave the world tomorrow, and there
can be no real regrets- because every day has been fun, and you are
surrounded by people who see the real you.
In contrast, the forced path based on adapting yourself to external demand

is highly risky. What if the promised land you have envisioned is not what it
seems? Even if it is, is it worth the time you have spent hiding you and
squandering your passion?
You have only one life, and every day you spend in something that is not
true to your values take away from the potential richness that your true,
sensitive, intense and passionate self has to offer.
Even the beginning of this process can seem daunting; once you have
started, it will soon become effortless. It will be an automatic upward spiral.
You do not have to exert effort, because your health, joy, excitement will be
enough to carry you through to the other side.
you.
not wanting me.
was
the beginning ofme
wanting myself.
thank you.
- Nayyirah Waheed
REFLECTION PROMPTS
The following exercises may help you rediscover who you are at the core,
and perhaps re-member with the parts of you that are yearning to be
integrated.
1. CHILDHOOD PHOTOS
Find some quiet time to yourself, and dig out some childhood photos. Look
at them carefully, and get to know this little girl/ boy as if you have just met
him/ her. What was she wearing? What did she like and dislike? What did
her expressions and gestures show? If she could speak, what would she be
saying? What do you see in this child? Was she spontaneous, funny,
curious, kind? Or perhaps she was ambitious, focused, feisty?
This is you. The qualities that you have seen in this child are your true
essence. Even if you lose all your credentials, titles, appearance and all
your life experience up to this day, these qualities will always be with you.
She is wise. Seek your advice on your current questions and decisions.
Would she be proud to know you?
2. PURE LOVE
Recall a time in your life when you have experienced a pure love that is
based on nothing but your unedited, spontaneous self. Maybe it was with a
childhood friend who saw you for who you were. Maybe it was a teacher, a
loving elder, a grandparent who found your excitabilities delightful. Maybe it
was a pet that just seemed to connect with you on a soul level. Maybe it
was a spiritual experience with your source of divinity.
Has there been a time where you have enjoyed the “quiet presence” of
another, where you could just BE without having to DO anything or to prove
yourself. You did not have to perform, be perfect, be clean, or to please
anyone. You were just freely you, in the calm, relaxing presence of
another.
When you get in touch with your True Self, you may feel tender and
vulnerable. Yet very soon you will tap into the power of being aligned and
congruent. After all, what can be more powerful than to lean on something
that you will never lose?
unnamed.jpg
“Run towards anything or anyone who makes you feel like you are coming
home to yourself.”
- Melissa Wells
3. ONE SMALL STEP FORWARD
The movement from our False Self to our True Self does not have to
involve life-altering actions, it can be subtle and gradual, starting from shifts
within our heart and where our attention goes.
However much you would like to deny it, your body and your feelings
know. Experiment with becoming more aware and discerning about what
you consume and surround yourself with. This may include food, media,
visual materials, readings, music, environment, friendships, workplace, and
emotional tendencies. Tune in, and be radically honest about how these
things make you feel- are they life-giving, or life- draining? Are they
nourishing, or depleting? In what they do they align with your values?
For just a day, practise thinking before you acts, pausing before you buy,
breathing before you ingest.
Breath by breath, step by step, you can slowly but surely nudge your
actions and thoughts towards the direction of integrity. It will become
effortless at some point, as calm and a sense of clarity will come to you,
and automatically propel you forward.
“Let me fall if I must fall. The one I will become will catch me.”
- Baal Shem Tov
Shredding our layers is not an easy task, but for the one precious life you
have, it is worth it.
I will meet you on the other side!

Imi x

Stripping Away Your False Self

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8/8/2019 “So, I Quit” - Why stripping away your False Self is the best way forward | Eggshell Transformations

“So, I Quit” - Why stripping away your

(Originally Sent as a part of the Letters to the Emotionally Intense, in

Your feedback, support and reviews are extremely meaningful; it fills me

In today’s letter, I would like us to continue exploring the perennial tension

carefully edited, partially silenced and rigidly held. Extended from a

I left the Doctoral program that I was on.

In the end, my body pushed me out of the program.

Break down your walls. It is breathtaking inside.

- Cara Alwill Leyba

“TRUE SELF, FALSE SELF”

The idea of a ‘True Self’ vs a ‘False Self’ was introduced into

Building on Winnicott’s idea, psychoanalyst Susie Orbach believes the

Perhaps the term “False Self" is misleading; it seems to suggest that we

To a degree, a healthy Adapted Self allows us to function appropriately as

One consequence of over-investing in our False Self is that under

unconsciously under our repression and denial. If we do not address the

SMALL, GENTLE STEPS

Stripping away our False Self can take many forms.

It may mean stop silencing yourself to gain others’ approval.

was easier to wear

Straight down to nothing.

And set herself free.

- Stripped, Cara Alwill Leyba

As natural cycles of life go, we must deconstruct our current form to

• Denial: I am sure I am not that different. I can do what everyone does.

• Depression: This is hopeless. I am a misfit. I will never feel happy and

• Acceptance: I am who I am. Even though it is sometimes not easy to

It is PARAMOUNT to have patience and self- compassion in this process.

“I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of

A NEW PATH: WHY YOUR TRUE SELF IS YOUR BEST INVESTMENT

Then, you go from pandering to external judgement to allowing your

In contrast, the forced path based on adapting yourself to external demand

3. ONE SMALL STEP FORWARD

I will meet you on the other side!

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