Love and Sexuality 


a lifelong learning process

Heinz Huber General practitioner, homeopathy, palliative care, sexual

counselling
Emil Schlegel Clinic Horb Germany
Divorce rates are increasing
Divorce rates are increasing
Often sexual problems are a reason for
conflicts in partnerships





Sexuality is one of the most
elementary life energies



Disorders reduce our general energy
Burnout, depression and sexuality

 Disorders of sexuality can play a

major role!
 Detailed sexual anamnesis!
 Many faults are possible
 Too little sexuality
 Too much sexuality
 Sexual dysfunction of the man

  •Disorders of desire:
  Sexual aversion
Too much sexual desire
  •Disorder of erection impotence
  •Ejaculation disorders:
  Premature Ejaculation, (ejaculatio Praecox)
  Absence of ejaculation, (ejaculatio deficiens)
  Delayed ejaculation, (ejaculatio retardata)
Ejaculation without orgasm
 Sexual dysfunction of women
  Appetenz disorders
  Sexual aversion is the most common problem
Excitation disorders
  Sexual disgust
Orgasm disorders, Anorgasmia
  Sexually-induced pain
Dyspareunia
  Vaginismus
  Hormonal disorders
Outer and inner blockages of
sexuality

Partnership conflicts
 Lack of tenderness and sex
 No time! Children, Profession, Other ....
Dyspareunia, Anorgasmia, Libido deficiency..
Medicines such as antidepressants or beta-
blockers
 Hormone disorders postpartum, climacteric
 Old traumas and old patterns
 Sexual assaults
 Anti-sexual attitudes religious, adopted by
parents
 "liberated sexuality of the 68"
 What is love?

The art of loving 

Erich Fromm
 The art of loving Erich Fromm

  "Infantile love follows the principle: 'I

love because I am loved.' Mature
love follows the principle: 'I am loved
because I love.' Immature love says,
'I love you because I need you.'
Mature love says, 'I need you
because I love you.‘“
The art of loving

The art of loving

The art of loving

But we also have:

Sex drive
Desire
Needs
Require
The art of loving

Claim and reality
Basic statements on sexuality

  There is nothing that doesn't exist

  Everything both partners want is fine,
if it is short, medium and long-term good for
both

  The biggest problem in sexuality is the taboo

  Don't talk about it
  Displace, suppress, push underground
  Excesses of this action
pornography, internet sexuality, prostitution,
relationship conflicts, mental and physical
illnesses...................
 Some facts
  30% of women experience an orgasm through
coitus
  90% of men experience an orgasm through
coitus 
  About 50% of women who did not have an
orgasm during their last sex report they are
being "sexually satisfied."
  About 75% say they were "happy."
  The average duration of the coitus is 4 to 5 min
The average duration of the
love game
 The good lover
  irst, think about the partner
F
  eel the desires of the partner
F
 Is attractive, passionate, fierce,
careful, gentle, loving.........
 Always ready
 Human, loving
Stress
What men think, what women need
 Want to be tackled
 Want to be sharpened
 Want to be wrapped
 Want compliments
 Want hot sex
 Want to be stimulated
 Want one or even multiple orgasms
What women think, what men need
 Do you always want sex
 Want to be sharpened
 Want the "hot bee“
 Want to be stimulated
 Want hot sex
 Want the fast number
 Want to have sex with any woman
 Want one or even every day orgasms
 What women really need
 Love
 A loving, conscious and present man
 Time for love
 Romance, conversations, empathy
 Light caressing, massage, everything that
feels good
 Non-goal-oriented tenderness
 Not necessarily "the orgasm"
Fulfilling there wishes
 What men really need
 Love
 A loving, conscious and present woman
 Frequently " Making Love "
 Not the fast number
 A woman who welcomes him
 A woman who does not use sexuality as
an instrument of power
 Not necessarily "the orgasm“
Reproductive-oriented sex versus 

Pair binding sexuality
 In the course of evolution, two
programs have developed in us
humans
 "Pairing Behavior" for genetic diversity
 "Couple bonding" for the most
promising care of the offspring.
 When it comes to love, we are
still primitives
  Our emotional world, and especially our love life,
is led by a very old part of our brain, the limbic
system.
 The limbic system
  It regulates the typical sensations our social nature
Concern for the offspring, fear, food intake, love,desire,
instinct to play and learning through imitation.
  It can hardly be influenced by our will  
  It doesn't care about our quality of life, whether we're
happy or not
  It focuses on three evolutionary goals:
  our own survival,
  the survival of the species due to genetic diversity
  Ensuring the rearing of our offspring

  Its goals are achieved by the limbic system through the

manipulation of our brain chemistry, which also influences
our feelings, thoughts and desires.
 Reproductive-oriented sex

And this is most securely achieved by genetic

diversity,
For 95% of all mammals there is therefore a
suitably adapted mating behavior:

  Search for a potential sexual partner,

Passionate re-enamouring,
  Fierce, short pairing, then disinterest in each
other
  Search for the next potential sexual partner
 Pair binding
  In less than 5% of mammals, including humans,
pairing has emerged as a more promising method for
the survival of the species.
  Due to the long maturation of its large brain, the
human infant is actually a premature birth and has
more chances of surviving if it is cared for and
protected by both parents.
  In the pair-forming mammals, researchers have found
an increased number of receptors for Oxytocin This
is why binding behaviours affecst the production of
Oxytocin

All pair-forming mammals combine a special feeling

of well-being, relaxation and satisfaction when they
have a partner!
Oxytocin or the day(E)
thereafter
The importance of the "cuddle
hormone" Oxytocins at the
postcoital dysphoria (PCD)
Hangover mood after the summit
orgasm
 Poor general condition "hangover"
 The cigarette after that
 Alienation from the partner
 No more desire for your partner
 Others are much more interesting
 Depressive mood
 "the grey glasses"
 Irritability
 Hangover mood after sex
 Greater sensitivity
 Old negative topics are getting much
bigger
 More jealousy
 Separation ideas
Less grace with yourself and your partner
 Dispute, dispute .....
 Distance to partner
 Hangover mood after sex

 Slightly dependent on the duration of the

coitus and above all on the duration of
the lovemaking
 The steeper the arousal curve the
steeper the drop
  More after "the hot sex", " the quicky"
 Very clear depends on orgasm (especially
ejaculation after for men)
The hormone situation during
orgasm

 Dopamine
Prolactin
Oxytocin
 Testosteron
 Dopamine leads to hangover
mood
  During sex, the Dopamine levels reaches its highest
level during orgasm – and fals off rapidly after
(orgasme – ejaculation). However, it does not then
return to the balanced normal range, but jumps back
and forth between deficiency and surplus for 14 to
17 days!
  This can mean a roller coaster of feelings and moods
for about two weeks - the "after-orgasmic hangover
mood". When Dopamine is low we feel joyless, left
alone, can not open our hearts and have no desire to
be close or even have sex.
  Too much dopamine, on the other hand, leads to
anxious inner restlessness, compulsive behavior and
neediness.
The hormone situation during
orgasm dopamine
Prolactin leads to the Libido loss
 As an adversary to dopamine, the
prolactin-level after orgasm leaves a
sexual feeling of satiety - in the man the
erection goes away, in the woman the
vagina becomes dry. It almost marks the
end of sex. How dopamine needs the
Prolactin also about two weeks until it
falls to a normal level. During this time,
symptoms may occur such as libido loss,
headache, depressive mood, weight gain,
impotence and vaginal dryness
Prolactin leads to the libido loss
 Oxytocin waste leads to
emotional apostasy
 The Oxytocinlevel increases during foreplay
and sex, increasing sexual readiness,
reducing control and connecting partners
feelings .
 The Oxytocin-Level also drops sharply
parallel to dopamine immediately after a
peak orgasm and takes up to seven days to
return to normal level
 A Oxytocin-Deficiency has exactly the
opposite effect as a high level: instead of
connectedness and loving feelings we prefer
to stay in your own room and avoids touch.
Oxytocin waste leads to emotional
emptiness
 Testosterone 

the reproductive hormone
 Testosterone produces the typical
reproductive behavior
  igh sexual stimulation, more pleasure
H
  hange of partner
C
Enforcement, aggressiveness
 Egocentricity, antisocial behaviour
Less empathy
Testosterone 

And 

Oxytocin
 Oxytocin is distributed at:

Breastfeeding through the suction pulse of

the infant
Pleasant skin contact
Loving viewing
 Hearing loving words
Smelling smells reminiscent of loving people
or situations
 When eating with pleasure
 Singing
 Through thoughts of all the above
experiences
 Oxytocin Acts:

 Stress-reducing
 sedently
 Lowering blood pressure
Lowering cortisone levels
Promotes wound healing
 It even seems to have an inhibitory effect
on breast tumors
 Pain processing, pain-relieving
Oxytocin works mentally and socially:

 Partner-binding
Subjectively pleasant feelings
 Strengthens emotional attachment
in general
 Strengthens confidence
 Strengthens the group feeling
 Sexually lust-enhancing
Oxytocin, Spirituality and Meditation

 Very religious people and meditatives can

have a very high oxytocin levels
There are certainly several ways to
wisdom and enlightenment
 The religious or meditative path, the
right-handed path or the „white
Tantra“
 The way over love and sexuality, the
left-handed way or the“ red tantra“
Consequences of hormonal influence


 The perception of these

fluctuations is difficult as often
unconsciously
 It feels like putting on lighter or
darker glasses
 Most of the time, "the other is
guilt“, you, you, you ...
 The alienation spiral

 The moods of the partners are no longer

synchronous
 The post-orgasmic mood swings affect
women and men differently. Both partners
are mostly in the unbalanced hangover mood
area,
they are not in the same way with your
needs and behaviours rhythm.
For example, while men are very fast in their
energy after orgasm and would prefer to
turn away and sleep, women are often still
turned upside down and in need.
 The alienation spiral
  During the up to 14-day post orgasmic
unbalanced situation it may be one partner
when the Dopamine levels rises he wants sex,
the other level has just dropped and has no
interest at all in it.
Instead, the analyzing part of our brain searches
for other explanations and we begin to see our
partner with all the weaknesses that the high
Oxytocin level had previously been obscured in
the infatuation phase.
  The 14-day after-orgasmic hangover mood
creates a confusion of feelings such as
irritability, nagging, anger, frustration, the cause
of which we often see in the behaviour of the
partner.
 The alienation spiral

 The subconscious no longer associates

the partner with "love" but with "attack“
 The alienation spiral turns downwards
less caresses exchange
 spend less and less time together
 lose interest in having sex together
 emotionally withdraw from each other.
 The less physical closeness there is,
the less interest you have in it
loss of love and separation.
 The feeding spiral
 Behaviors that promote bonding:
 A detachment from the reproductive,
orgasm-fixed sex to the binding-based
relaxed-ecstatic lovemaking.
 There are centuries-old, but also newer,
sexual wisdoms that propagate "sacred
sex".
 Tantrism,
 Taoism
 Karezza
 Slow Sex,
 The feeding spiral
 The main massage:

Avoiding orgasm especially

ejaculation,

heart opening and transformation of

sexual energy into higher levels of
consciousness.
 My experiences
  The search
"  The Poison of Amor's Arrow"
 Karezza Marina Robinson

"  Slow Sex" Diana Richardson

"  Tao of Love" Mantak Chia
Diana and Michel Richardson

conventional sex slow sex



Tension relaxation

fast, the kick slow, long

Waste of energy increasing energy 

The target: orgasm to forget orgasm

Friction delicate touch, hold

hard delicate

mechanically very present

Fantasies Reality

Stimulation feeling

Performance pressure not to perform

high arousal gentle arousal

in the future in the here and now



 Possible effects of conventional
sex according to Diana Richardson
  rustration
F
  ggression
A
Emptiness
Jealousy
 Look for other partners
 Great vulnerability
 Lack of self-worth
 Conflicts
 Possible Effects of Slow Sex 

by Diana Richardson
We can get more:
 Energetic
 Intelligent
 Clear
 Creative
 Soft
 Less aggressive
 Loving
 The immune system is strengthened
 What can help us?
 To be in the here and now:
 Leave your eyes open, receptive looking
 Have time and leave time
 Women need more time
Stop when there is any hurt
 Talking and asking questions
No performance, no performance
 Erection may be, but does not always have
to be
 Not the direct path leads to the destination
 Warm is better than hot
 What can help us?
 In women, the breasts with the heart is
more important than the vagina
 Making love more often
 Opening the heart
Be present come into beeing
 Sports, Yoga, Mediation
 The teacher is the feeling with it and
after it!

 Old conditionings are strong, cave!!

 Mantak Chia
Mantak Chia is a Thai spiritual teacher
who deals with traditional, Taoist and
Chinese meditation techniques, Tai
Chi, Qi Gong and medical concepts.
His goal is to make Chinese "secret
teachings" accessible to all, especially
the knowledge of sexuality.
 Mantak Chia

Now 74 years

"Tao of Love" The Book for Men

"Tao of Healing Love" The Book for Women
 Ideas of Mantak Chia
  Sexuality is primarily energy and energy
exchange
  Sexuality can be transformed into spirituality
  Women can make love almost infinitely
Men are limited by erectile ability and ejaculation
  Women therefore have a much stronger sexual
strength and energy
  This superiority fascinates, shocks and unsettles
us men and we can hardly deal with it
  Perhaps this perceived inferiority is one of the
reasons why we men have always tried to make
women small, oppress etc.
 Idea Mantak Chia
Taoist thoughts can support on several levels
 Strengthening the capacity for love and
love relationship
 Banish sexual frustration and boredom
 Cure sexual disorders such as premature
ejaculation, impotence or sexual
displeasure
 Strengthening health and vitality in
general
 Combining sexual and meditation practice
to enable spiritual development through a
dynamic balance of yin and yang
 Idea Mantak Chia
The goal is away from pure genital
orgasm to "total orgasm of body and
soul“
 This is generally considered to be
the experience of particularly
passionate or sensitive women
Chia says that this is possible for
all, and also for us men
 Idea Mantak Chia
You can't conjure up this, but you can
create the conditions for it to "pass"

By certain exercises it is possible to

prolong the erection as long as
desired without ejaculation
Men and women use meditative
techniques to direct energy upwards
into higher regions of the heart,
brain and beyond
Husband and wife consciously
exchange their yin and yang energies
 Idea Mantak Chia
The results
  ore loving partnership
M
  ore love for ourselves
M
 More self-confidence
 The "path of the heart" the love for all
that surrounds us
 More Chi (general life energy)
Help for me and my relationship

  now
K
  ime, time, time ....
T
 Talking, speaking, speaking ... the
couple's conversation
 The weekly „couple talk“
Becoming aware of old patterns
 Patience and grace with me and the
other
 The Role of Love
If I spoke in the languages of men and angels, / but had not
love, / I would be roaring ore or a noisy timpani.
And if I could speak prophetically, and know all mysteries, and
have all knowledge; / if I had all the power of faith / and
could move mountains with it, / but had not love, / I were
nothing.
And if I gave away all my owes / and if I gave my body to the
fire, but had not love, / it was of no use to me.
Love is long-suffering, / Love is benevolent. / She does not
mature, / she does not boast, / she does not inflate.
She does not act inappropriately, / does not seek her
advantage, / does not be provoked to anger, / does not
carry evil.
She does not rejoice in the injustice, / but rejoices in the
truth.
She endures everything, / believes everything, / hopes
everything, / stands up to everything.
Love never ceases. 1. Corinthians Letter 13