Weaknesses:

- Vague subject line: “Data Breaches”

- Low readability + Poor format: 2 long paragragh without the clear devision of opening, body,
closing + no list when there can be one
- Lack of parallel structure: “how to properly handle, store, and the processing of patient health
information”, “we are experienced at investigating incidents, we analyze clues, and we can
quickly and defensively uncover critical information”.
- Reader benefits are not stated clearly – lack of “you view”.
- Disorganized information
- Poor ways to deliver information that may not be beneficial to customers.

Rewrite:

To: dr.jeremy.chen@valleyinternists.com

From: w.e.vance@securityspecialists.com

Subject: Answer to Your Date’s Inquiry About Data Breaches

Dear Dr. Chen:

Yes, our company certainly has experience with smaller medical establishment regarding cyber security,
data breach response, and incident analysis solutions. Heres are a list of brief answers to your specific
questions about what we offer:

 To improve your information security regardless of resource limitation, you will be provided
with basic security awareness training by our specialists. Such training concerns handling,
storing, and processing patient health information.
 If any incident occurs, our specialists are experienced at investigating incidents, analyzing clues
and uncover critical information quickly and defensively.
 In case of patient data breach, you will be able to give them prompt, discreet, and customized
notification.
 To protect your legality, we will notify any wrongdoings to applicable government or law
enforcement agencies.

In addition to the offers mentioned above, our company also provide other services that may benefit
smaller medical companies like yours. To save your time, please call me at xxxxxx to discuss the offers
and sugesstions in details through telephone. Thank you for noticing our specialists, who are always
eager to help you improve your information security.

Sincerely,

Warren E. Vance
We have received your inquiry, which has been directed to me for response. I can assure you that our
company can do what you want in the way of cyber security, data breach response, and incident analysis
solutions. We are specialists. You asked some specifc questions, such as having experience with smaller
medical establishments. I can assure you that, yes, we certainly do have such experience. Even with
limited resources, smaller companies will benefit from basic security awareness training in a manner
related to how to properly handle, store, and the processing of patient health information.

In regard to any incident that may have already occurred, we are experienced at investigating incidents,
we analyze clues, and we can quickly and defensively uncover critical information. In regard to notifying
patients of any breach, we assure you that we can give discreet breach notifcation that is prompt and
we also customize it for your business. However, I must warn you in advance that if we become aware of
any wrongdoing, we must notify any applicable government or law enforcement agencies because we
are obligated to do so. But I can assure you that such notifcation is hardly ever necessary. We can
discuss your concerns more extensively by telephone. Thank you for your interest in Security Specialists.

Warren E. Vance [Full contact information