Cave of Despair

A poetry anthology on depression

By
Nancy Macharia
Abel Williams
Habeebllah D. Atotileto
 Editor’s Note
This is the first of its kind but I believe it’s worth your read. It delves into different aspects of despair:
loneliness, death, loss of a loved one, desertion, grief amongst others.
 Dedication
To those on the edge who haven’t accepted defeat!
 Contents
Demons I’m fighting

Pains

In Wonder Land

In Captivity

Depression

Dear Dad!

Dear Death!

It’s this Day!

Why Leave?

Shackles of Pain

Cowardly Loner

Lone and Damaged

Alone

Lonely Nights

Lonely Thoughts
DEMONS I’M FIGHTING

I’m bruised by glitches of this sphere

When I woke up

Calls of death are all I hear

My eyes are becoming weak

And I can’t see clearly

My soul and body

All engulfed in fear,

The demons I’m fighting

They can’t disappear

Strength is lacking

And I’m falling to persevere.

I’m blinded

by glitches that are in my circle,

My existence

is becoming undefinable,

In the society

I’m becoming unacceptable,

My presence

is becoming abominable,

All my goals

are unachievable

I’m tired of this life

For it isn’t adorable.

I’m crying for help

Why can’t you listen?

I’m also mortal

Don’t bring your accusation,

This disease is birthing pain

And I need medication,

My soul is much oppressed

With depression

Please help,

for I might leave in the morning

And never come back.

ABEL WILLIAMS
PAINS

The skirmish is so hostile

All-day long it makes me grumble

Rivers of pains ooze

from the veins of my mind,

A scent of a deadly angel

is just closer to me,

Yet you can’t smell it

for your body is wrapped with oxygen,

I wish you could’ve been

in the planet, I am in

Where demons are seen clearly

Their faces concealed

In sweet voices, they’d call

Upon me to go to rest.

I’m in a race with the toughest aisle

Where I don’t know where I’m going,

My life meanders in hot deserts

Where my soul isn’t able to sustain,

There is no wall to defend me

Neither a way to escape,

I’m about to surrender

For these soldiers are much stronger

And they can’t let me live longer,

Please help I’m your fellow soldier

Plagued with depression.

ABEL WILLIAMS
IN WONDERLAND

Wondering in place

Of my ego,

Space where misery

Is my best friend,

Torments are like galaxies

They twinkle in my eyes,

I’m in a void place

With no air to breathe,

A place where hate

has its throne,

The aisles of the realm

All are of thorns

Each time I take a walk,

My feet are bruised

I’m always soundless

Never given a chance to talk,

I’m only fifteen

Yet I’m seeking death

For no planet can fit me in,

Please allow me to escape

These combats are coming after me,

They want to swallow me

Like an avalanche

Immersing a city on a hill.

ABEL WILLIAMS
IN CAPTIVITY

All I want is to be free

from this captivity,

My dreams are shielded

they can’t turn into reality,

Bullets of sorrow

have entered into my heart,

Blood is coming out with force

for my veins are hurt,

When I was in the womb

this world isn’t what I expected

World of sorrow having paths

Which are very narrow,

Heavy thoughts

being carried by my brain,

They are all void

they do birth much pain,

Old men words

are becoming insane,

All I want is to leave

and never to see the sunset again,

The world of depression is what I’m in

A planet with no kingdom of peace,

A domain of clouds that has no water,

All I want is to leave

and be free from this captivity.

ABEL WILLIAMS
DEPRESSION

Depression, O depression

Why hate me this much?

You are not my blood

neither a friend,

All I know

is that you are a fiend,

Born to plague me with your troubles,

Why hate me this much?

Depression o depression

Why come for me?

Can’t you leave me alone?

For I’m not your son,

Why smiling at me

when your soul hates me?

What you want

is for me to call suicide,

It pains me from inside.

Depression o depression

Why hate me this much?

What do you want from me?

Please tell me what I’ve done wrong

To deserve this much suffering

Why splitting my actuality?

Demolishing my Identity
I bet I won’t give to you

land in my kingdom,

For in you there is no freedom.

ABEL WILLIAMS
DEAR DAD!

“Hey, it’s your daughter here

But I bet you don’t even care.

I was told you did exist

but no idea where and when.

I was told you loved me

but it’s never been evident.

I saw you left

not caring how I’d end up.

I wish I met you one last time

to see if I took after you.

I was told you were courageous

but why then did you not

face the consequences of your action?

Dad, I wish you knew how I looked for you

in every man that came my way

I wish you were my role model.

It’s in vain I write this letter

for I know it will never get to you.

Life has halted me down

Sleep has deprived me of its solitude

I’m confused about where to find you.

Dad, I don’t know you, but I love you.

I wish you come visiting someday”

Nancy Macharia
DEAR DEATH!

“I wanted to talk to you.

I looked for your address.

Just couldn’t find it.

I wanted us to have a late-night conversation

just you and Me.

About those souls

The innocent ones you snatch.

About those innocent kids, you took.

Dear Death, why take them so immature?

Why do you come unannounced?

Why don’t you ever knock?

The best you took away.

It could have been easy

if you came announcing then we could be ready for you.

But NO you just snatch.

Dear Death,

spare us the pains let us live.

Nancy Macharia
IT’S THIS DAY!

It’s this day that I never wanted to wake up.

It’s this day I wish was my death day.

It’s this day all my dreams are crumbled.

It’s this day all seems impossible.

It’s this day sleeping haunts more than nightmares.

It’s this day the world had turned against me.

It’s this day I want to tie that rope and end it all.

It’s this day I prefer liquor to tea.

I wanna get drunk to death.

It’s this day that is cursed.

I wanna sleep to never wake up.

It’s a cursed day.

Nancy Macharia
WHY LEAVE?

“It’s 3 am Sunday.

The world is deep asleep

but I’m awake

sleeping is no longer a choice.

My heart is broken.

My pillow is all wet from crying.

I want to take those pills and end it all.

I want to join him up in heaven

for he made me feel complete.

Together we build a paradise

One filled with beautiful memories.

But he was to leave unannounced

Taking my heart with you

Why did you leave?

You have been on my mind,

soul and dreams lately.

It’s been years

But seems like yesterday.

I no longer conquer the world

like we used to.

You took part of me

and crushed my world.

It’s incomplete.

How I wish

we could rewind

and be the old US once again.

The world is not the same without you.

Nancy Macharia
SHACKLES OF PAIN

Life!

Life life!!

Life life life!!

At times, it’s too hard.

I can’t even understand it.

At times, am off everything.

I want to breathe my last second,

I wish.

Am tired of the light.

I want to hide in a dark room.

I want to soak that pillow in tears.

I want to hide from the world.

I can’t tell what’s happening to me.

I no more have control over the pains in my life.

I wish daytime never comes.

I don’t want to see light, it scares me.

I want to be in the dark, there I find peace.

I want to sleep forever in solace

I want to be silent.

I want to sleep forever.

Who do I pass over my shackles of pain to?

Nancy Macharia
COWARDLY LONER

My “with me” left me for him.

One behind me deserted me.

No companion in solitude.

Confined within my lone self.

Thoughts are lonely in my head;

Deserted the pen, I held dear.

Made to brood against my will;

Dwelling in thoughts, I lost sight.

Lingering on memories;

Happy ones with a sad face.

Always moody, even on bright days.

Never smiling, had no reason to.

Even in a crowd, I still feel alone;

Dialoguing with my inner self.

Idleness; my daily routine.

Devil’s workshop; feet away.

Suicidal thoughts arose in me.

Never thought twice before I gave in.

A loner with none to talk to.

Cowardly drowning myself in thoughts.

Habeebllah D. Atotileto
LONE AND DAMAGED

Birds of the same feather flock together.

I’ve been taken away from my kind.

The hunter cut me off my flock;

And forced me to sit in a cage all day.

A drop of water doesn’t make an ocean.

I’m the drop far away from it.

A child took me off the ocean;

And I dried off the skin of my captor.

One tree doesn’t make a forest.

I’m just one; without company.

The farmer removed me from the forest;

And chopped me to pieces for fire in winter.

A family isn’t made by one man.

I’m a lone man living in isolation.

Castaway by people I call my own;

And drowning in tears of my own.

I’ve been forced to be alone;

Before my habitual habitat.

And damaged from being alone;

‘Cause I’m away from my habitat.

Habeebllah D. Atotileto
LONE

It’s dark and cold

I’m terribly lonely

It feels like thrashing around,

Trying to keep from drowning

Oxygen is my hope,

The light, I look forward to

Would I ever find it?

Do I ever know?

It took so much effort,

It took me days

Down in the water, pitch dark

With no oxygen nor light

I’ve been there long enough

I began to forget,

What light even looks like

My breath couldn’t sustain me

That makes it difficult

Unable to reach out,

And ask for help

Normal life seems so far away,

Like a distant memory,

And I can’t even,

Remember what it was like

I’m scared to move upward what kind of monsters may be lurking up there?

But I’m also terrified of falling further

Into the pitch dark sea, where nothing exists

Who will come to my rescue?

Habeebllah D. Atotileto
LONELY NIGHTS

Was gloomy and dark;

On the cold floor, I sat

With my butt on my hands.

Head buried between my thighs.

By my side, was a stranger;

Solo and oblivious of me.

So was I of her, at dusk.

In a flash;

A light shone.

Eyes met!

Souls crossed!

Her feet were sore.

Dirt caked under her nails.

Her hair was tangled;

Fallen on her sullen face.

Her dark aura pulling me in;

Drowning me in her dull eyes.

Ears listening to her broken heart,

While fingers stroke her cold skin.

She shivered at my touch;

Looked the other from my gaze;

Wore smiles, I knew was a mask.

What I’d do to disguise my worries;

Ones she knocked on at dawn.

She needed to feel safe.

I opened and invited her in.

Gave equal rights to myself.

Let her roam freely in my abode.

She was comfortable and at home;

One we both knew was an illusion.

Was going to fade off in sleep;

Awakened her with a nudge;

And promised her day.

Above the eastern horizon

Was the light I promised,

Rising gently with beauty.

Smiles reflected for the first.

“Come with me!” I beckoned

“Let me lead you into the light!”

For a minute, I could feel her touch.

The smile on her face, so bright!

Suddenly, it faded into a dull blue.

She let go and withdrew

Into the shell she called home;

Leaving my lonesome self

To face my fears in fear.

Habeebllah D. Atotileto
Lonely Thoughts

I feel a thirst for something;

Like a part of me is missing.

My basic needs, unfulfilled.

What is it? I don’t know;

But it’s what I yearn for

It cripples me within, yet I can walk.

It blinded my thoughts, yet I can see.

Feels so beautiful, sadly I can’t touch it.

Whispers melodiously, sadly I can’t hear.

I became weak like a wolf that lost its pack.

Feel lost like a child that lost its way.

Helpless like a chick being taken by an eagle.

Worried as the mother hen whose chick was taken.

My thoughts scattered in different pages of my mind.

I tried to sort them but they aren’t related.

Different words conjured on a page.

Piece by piece, I tore them out.

The smiling sun moving away in the distance.

The dark moon is coming to take its place.

The torn pages floating away with the breeze.

With blank pages coming to take their place.

I can now see what I truly yearn for.

I just need you by my side.

I retreated to my shell,

Without getting it done

With the hope that the sun,

Would come shining again.

I don’t want to be alone.

Habeebllah D. Atotileto