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Love Hard
By Danny Mackey and Rebecca Ewing

Page 1/26
Love Hard script
*music intro*
[woman] It's been said that, according to Greek mythology, humans were
originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces But
fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning
humans to spend the rest of their lives searching for their other half,
their soul's equal.
*music*
[woman] And if that's true, then Zeus is an asshole.
*music*
[woman] Sure, dating has never really been easy, but modern dating online
is even harder, I keep thinking my perfect match has to be out there, just
one click away,
-Someone kind, and honest, and ideally.
- [man] Honey? [woman]
.someone that doesn't already have a wife. Am I right?
*music*
[woman] Despite my gut telling me that maybe I should give up altogether,
along comes Ted, a Libra who likes puppies and offers to take me on a
sunset sail until he ghosts me.
-But on a positive note, I've turned my horrible love life into a
successful online writing career. For years, I've been chronicling my
disaster dates under the pseudonym "Always a Bridesmaid. And people seem to
love that I can't find love, But honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I
can do this. How is it that everyone has found the one, and I haven't?
Either I'm the unluckiest woman in the world, or my picker is broken.
Natalie’s friend: It's both. What's the one common denominator in all of
these dates? It’s you.

Natalie:
bunch of LA assholes.

Nf:
import Mark from Ohio, for God's sakes. You gotta think bigger. Jesus, Nat!
You only have your dating radius set to five miles. You gotta look outside
West Hollywood.

Natalie:
Glendale, and that's only one way.

Nf:
[chuckles]
Nf-Okay. Fixed it. I'm gonna get a juice. Want something?

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Natalie:
wheatgrass.
- [chuckles]
Nf-Okay. Fixed it. I'm gonna get a juice. Want something?

Nataly:
wheatgrass.
Natalie-Oh, but no kiwi because I'm-.
Nf-I. I know, you're allergic. No kiwi.
Natalie-Sorry. Habit. The last time an intern forgot, I almost died.
Natalie’s boss-Natalie, where's my next story? story? I'm assuming your
next date is lined up.

:
Nat- I was thinking for the next one, maybe we'1l try something different.
Like…Something a little bit more upbeat?
Nb-Why the hell would you do that?
Nat-So I don' spend another evening with a guy who was featured on an
episode of Hoarders. It's making me miserable.
Nb-Oh, I'm sorry. [sucks in air] Everyone's miserable, though. But that's
why Social Media exists to either distract people from their own lives, or
to show them that things could be, you know, so, so much worse. Remember, a
disaster for you is a hit for me. Okay? Got food in your teeth. You might
wanna.…. Iclicks tongue] (walks away) Get it to me!
[traffic rumbling]
[Natalie grunting]
[grunts]
[sighs deeply]
[phone chimes]
[music playing]
[Roy] I'm a nude yoga instructor. Namaste.
[Rick] Semi-finalist on Dancing with the Stars.
[Vinny] Devoted feminist. Favorite movie: The Noteb-
[Greg] This could be yours, girl. Why don't you come over and play with--
[Josh] Passionate about life and all things outdoors. When I'm not
traveling for work, you'1l find me at home in Lake Placid, New York,
planning my next move.
Nat-Wow.
[Josh] Looking for a woman who's spontaneous and drama-free. [
Natalie] Love Actually? Worst Christmas movie ever!
[Josh] Hey, Natalie. So how do you REALLY feel about my favourite movie? [
Natalie] It's a movie about people falling in love based on how they look.
[Josh] I like to think it's a story about the triumph of love over reality.
Nat-I can work with that.

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Josh- What’s your favourite Christmas movie?
[Natalie] That's easy. Hands down, Die Hard.
[Josh] You really think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
[Natalie] Yippee Ki Yay, I do!
[Josh] Okay. Convince me. Nat-Okay.
[Natalie] Fine. I can give you seven reasons, to be exact.
[Josh] You've studied this in depth.
[Natalie] One, it takes place during a Christmas party. –
[Josh] Doesn't make it a Christmas movie –
[Natalie] I have more evidence. Two, it snows at the end. Number three,
there are presents involved.
[Josh] There are presents involved in most movies ever made! You know
what? I'm willing to reconsider this. I might actually-
[music]
Nf- Holy shit! I mean, this guy is, like, friggin' hot. He knows the
difference between there and they are, which you'd be surprised by. He's
Asian-American and speaks three languages. He's a world traveler but hasn't
been to any places on the watch list. -So really there's only one con.
N-What?
Nf-You've never seen him.
N-Come on. [chuckles] There's six pictures on his profile.
Nf-That means nothing. Remember the last guy you met up with in public?
N-Yeah
Nf-Yeah. He ended up being 20 years older than his photos. This guy could
be old. He could be a waiter from the Last Supper.
N--What? Nf-Look at me. Look at me. You do not trust anybody unless he
sends you a photo holding today's newspaper with the date on it. Okay?
Yeah. Oh yeah, that's what we're gonna do. I'm calling him to get a photo.
N-You cannot get this phone. NO.
Nf-Yeah, try me. Oh! Okay, fine! N-No. Oh!
Nf-Yeah. What?
[Josh] Sounds like I'm missing a fun party.
- [both gasp]
N- Hello?
-[woman laughing]
J- Hello? –[Josh] Hey, Natalie.
N--Hey,
Nf- [woman] Mm-hmm.
N-I… I actually didn't mean to call you. I was, um, hiking and….I tripped
and accidentally hit "Call.
Nf-What the fuck are you saying? - [
Josh] Glad you're still alive.
N-What?
Josh] I'm happy to be your emergency contact, even with the three-hour time

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difference,
Nf- [whispering] I'm sorry.
N-Nope. Nope. I'm still alive. So anyway, I…. I better get back to it.
-Sorry to bother you. Bye. –
[disconnects]
N-I'm gonna kill you.
Nf- [laughing] I'm sorry!
- Itext tonel
Nf-What? -What?
N-Are you satisfied?
Nf-Yeah, Yeah, she's satisfied. Oh my God.He is so cute!
Josh- Isighs] Oh.
Nat-What is.…. like.… what is this?
[Josh] „but when you start making toast in the tub, that's when we' ll
worry. [
giggling]
Nat-You know, when I first saw your profile, I thought you'd just be
another guy who's really hot and has a dick pic on standby.
Josh- -Well, what makes you think I'm not?
- [text tone]
Nat--Ah. Josh-Your turn! Tit for tat, Nat.
Josh-- [laughing] Oh! That's a weird Dick!
Nat-[chuckles] At least mine's not crooked.
[music]
[Josh] My parents got divorced when I was three, but I got a pretty great
stepmom now, so.
[Natalie] My mom passed away last year. You would've loved her. [chuckles]
Everyone did.
[music]
Natalie-Honestly, I'm so over eating out. I prefer to just stay in and
cook.
- [Josh] Oh! You cook?
-Oh yeah. All the time. Tonight I'1l be assisted in the kitchen by Chef
Boyardee and my good friends Ben and Jerry.
[Natalie] No way. You were chubby as a kid too?
[Josh] I swear to you. Kids in middle school used to ask me which chin I
really used.
Nat-Ugh, kids can be so cruel.
[Natalie] You're telling me it's really Tom Cruise flying these planes?
[Josh] That was him driving the car in Days of Thunder,
Tv-him hanging from the ceiling in Mission Impossible-- Oh, drink!
Nat-Ugh. I had no idea that this movie was so homoerotic.
[Josh] Yeah, actually I think Maverick and Iceman get married in the
sequel.

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Nat-Ugh. "Bottom Gun"? Oh! Maverick just disobeyed an order! Chug!
[Josh] What was your favorite book as a kid?
[Natalie] It was a book of poems called Where The Sidewalk Ends.
[Josh] "I cannot go to school today. said little Peggy Ann Mckay.”
[Natalie] I can't believe that you know that.
[Josh] Before there was Ferris Bueller there was Peggy Ann Mckay.
Nat-my, um, my mom, she used to read that to me when I was little. It used
to help me sleep, but I ho
nestly can't think of a single thing that's more comforting than being read
to.
[Josh](starts reading)
Nat (falls asleep)
Nat(wakes up)- Josh?
- [Josh] Good morning.
Nat- [chuckles]
[Josh] Oh, I guess I really should have gotten the Verizon Unlimited plan.
Natalie laughs
Nb-Natalie. My office, now. [man] It's been two weeks. Where's my next
Disaster Date story?
N-Um. Could you just pause for a second? It's a little distracting.
Nb-[panting] No. I can't stop. I won't stop. Now, where's my next story?
N-Here's the thing. -I met someone. [exhales] I think this might be the
real deal.
Nb-- [man] Oh boy. Here we go.
N-I'd like to write about that instead.
Nb-I'm not buying it. Just go out with some Tinder tool and complain about
him, please.
N-I don't complain.
Nb-Why'd you dump the guy with the quinea pigs?
N-They freaked me out.
Nb-And the guy who smiled all the time?
N-You could never tell if he was actually happy.
Nb-How about the guy who kept calling your relationship a collab?
N-Do I really need to explain?
Nb-[breathing heavily] Natalie, here's the deal, okay? Your dating life is
a disaster. But you should be thankful because it's why you have a job.
N-What if I write a piece about a girl on the verge of completely giving up
on love when she comes to find that the perfect guy might actually exist?
So she risks it all. Her sanity, her common sense, her ability to ever be
on The Bachelor, and it's worth it because they fall in love just in time
for Christmas.
Nb-[man] 0oh, I like it.
N- [chuckles]
Nb-I just don't think you're the one to write it. You gotta leave the

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serious stuff to the real journalists, like Steve.
N-Screw Steve.
Nb-I did. Hastag don't tell HR. Low-key.
N-You know what? As of this moment right now, my disaster dating days are
over. I'm gonna fly to Lake Placid, New York. I'm gonna surprise Josh, and
I'm gonna get my happy ending.
Nb-I'm sorry. So, you haven’t even met this dude yet?
N-Well, no t. not in person, but—
Nb-Oh, I take it all back. No, I take everything back. You should write
about this. You should fly across the country and surprise a virtual
stranger for the holidays. This is gonna be your most epic Disaster Date
yet. Uh-oh. Who's doing the dance?
N-You're wrong, Lee, and I'm gonna show you. Because this is going to be
the most epic love story that you have ever read. Now, if you'11 please
excuse me, I have bags to pack
. (Music)
N-[exhales] Okay. N-Is this insane? It's kind of insane.
N -Am I insane? I'm insane. What am I doing?
Nf-No, no, no, no. Hey- Insanity is doing the same thing over and over
again and expecting different results. You, my friend, are about to fly
3,000 miles to meet up with a guy who is literally the polar opposite of
anybody you've ever dated before, so--Oh my God. The mother of all ironies
is this might be the most sane thing you've ever done.
N -Am I insane? I'm insane. What am I doing? Nf-No, no, no, no. Hey-
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results. You, my friend, are about to fly 3,000 miles to meet up
with a guy who is literally the polar opposite of anybody you've ever dated
before, so--Oh my God. The mother of all ironies is this might be the most
sane thing you've ever done.
[plane departing] –
[truck beeping]
-Oh. Sir, excuse me. Um... -My bags-- - [horn honking]
N-Ooh. Hi. -I just landed, but my bag didn't arrive S
taff boy-Fill out the form to your left and drop it in the after-hours slot
when you're done.
N-[scoffs] Why would I drop it in the after-hours slot? You're here. This
office is open. It's literally hours.
Sb-Just fill out the form, and someone will contact you.
N-Okay.
N-Is this a joke?
Sb-Oh, the gig economy's no joke.
N-I’’llget a different Uber. Thanks.
Sb-[driver] I'm the only Uber in town.
N-Fine. I'll get a Lyft.

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Idriver] 4.9 stars, and I offer snacks. Nacho cheese? Baked potato? I've
got baked potatoes. [driver] You want some papaya? Kiwi?
N-[Natalie] No kiwi. I would swell up like a blowfish.
Sb--Where am I taking you, again?
N-420 Holt Street.
Sb-The Lin household?
N-How could you possibly know that?
Sb-Josh Lin is an old buddy of mine, and given the stuff we used to smoke
in his basement after school, that's not exactly an address you forget.
N-Okay. Can you please just turn the radio off?
Sb--It's a great song and a classic.
N-Yeah. It's been putting the hip in Rohypnol since 1944.
Sb-[scoffs] What are you talking about? It's a cute and flirty Christmas
duet.
N-Maybe if you're Bill Cosby. [Natalie] If you could please change the
station?
[driver] You're the boss.
N-They really love Christmas, huh?
Sb-You should see this place at Halloween. Stephen King is too afraid to
trick-or-treat here. Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you give this to Josh
and tell him E-Rock says to pass the Dutch? [chuckles]
N--Okay, Snoop. [exhales]
Sb-Oh yeah.
N-Thank you for the ride.
(Music)

Josh’s mom:

N:
home?
Jm-Uh. He's not here right now, but I expect him any minute. Uh, why don't
you come inside and wait?
N-Oh. Um. Sure.
Jm-Oh my goodness. Um I wasn't expecting company, uh, tonight. I'm Barb.
I'm Josh's mom. Nice to meet you.
N-Hi. You too.
Jm-So, you and Josh are friends?
N-Yeah. Yeah. I guess you could say that. [chuckles]
Josh’s dad- Is that the Mormons'again? For the last time, we’re not
converting!
Jm-[yelling] It's not the Mormons, Bob! It's a friend of Josh's! He does
that every single, solitary: even Halloween. Every time it rang one year,
he was like, "Is that the Mormons?"
Jm- Here is Bob This is Josh's Dad And this is his Grandmother, June

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Jg-Hello, dear!
N-Hi. Oh. [
Barb] Okay, that's good. That's good.
Jg-How do vou know Josh?
Jm-Ah, they're friends, Grandma June.
N-We're maybe just a little bit more than just friends.
Jm-Oh my God. Are you... are you his "G Word"?
Jg-Geisha? Jm-NO. Oh, you're his girlfriend?
N-I mean maybe. There's no titles yet.
Jm-Oh my gosh…. this is just off the charts. Look at you!
N- Thanks. It's a new lip gloss.
Jd-Josh has a girlfriend?
N-Well, I mean... NO Do we have something special? Yes. Did I fly from LA
to sürprise him for Christmas? Mm-hmm. Sure did. Here I am. Am I crazy?
jd-A little.
N-Uh, yeah, maybe a little.
Jm-You are-- This is just so romantic.
Natalie- Oh God, I hope so.
[Barb] Oh, Natalie, we are so-- That's him. Josh!
J-If The UPS guy's here to see me. Just sign for the package!
Jm- It's not UPS! [laughing] Just come up.
[Barb, Bob, Grandma] Surprise! J-Natalie? [nervously] What are you doing
here?
Josh’s fam- Surprising you for Christmas
N-Um…I- uhm..forgot my luggage, so I’m gonna…
JM; Josh go help her with her luggage.

Josh:
Jd;Good work, Josh!
N-No, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening
J-Look. I... I can explain!
N- [breathing heavily] I don't understand. We talked. [gulps] made sure=-
The... the photo! It had my name on it. You wrote, "Bye, Natalie!
J-I'm pretty good at Photoshop.
N-[breathing heavily] Oh my God!
[Josh] Okay, let's take a deep breath. Not the baby Jesus. Don't. Don't.
No, no, no, no
N-What kind of psychopath creates a fake profile and then starts a fake
relationship online? [grunts]
J- What kind of psycho flies across the country and shows up on somebody's
front lawn?
N-You said, and I quote, "I wish w you were here with me for Christmas.
J-That's just something people say Like, "Your baby's so cute" or "My diet
starts tomorrow. Everybody knows that.

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N-[groans]
[Josh] Well, apparently not everybody. Mm.
N-Are you implying that this is my fault?
J-Nobody is blaming anybody, okay?
[Natalie] Oh!
J-Maybe, maybe I get it, you never dated a Chinese guy before, and you're
in shock!
N-Yes, I have. He was born in Beijing, and he was amazing in bed. How could
you lie to me? I really liked you.
J-I'm sorry. I.... I never meant for it to go this far. Okay?
J-Can we..... can we go back inside and-
N-No, I'm not going inside! I 'm not going anywhere with you. I never want
to see you again. Okay?
- [Josh] You don't know where you're going!
N-Baby Jesus will take the wheel.
[male patron] Yeah!
(Music)
N-Hey, um, grab me another one of these green apple thingies.
Barman-I got you. One sec, baby girl.
Back people-And so, Sarah asked me, "Would you rather have a better memory
or a bigger penis?"
Bp-Okay. What'd you say?
Bp-I don't remember.
Bp-Cali Asskicker
[man 2] Cali Asskicker! [man 2]Get over here! - [
man 3 Put em up, put "em up. - [
bartender] Triple Sec. Rum juice,
Bp-Okay. Talk to me.
-[bartender] Orange juice. Kiwi.
-bp-Say what? +
[bartenderl Great. Bp-You know me.
N-Come on, Kerry, answer the phone.
Nf-Tell me you are calling me from his bathroom after the most intense
orgasm of your life.
N-[inhales] Hard to have an orgasm when you've been catfished!
Nf-Shut up. Are you joking? [
Josh] Oh Jesus.
Nf-You're telling me the guy exists and he's there? N-Yup• + Nf-[Kerry]
That is not a coincidence, bitchNf- That is a sign from God. You should
totally go for it. What are you, an LA six which makes you a Lake Placid
ten? You owe it to yourself and your 50, 000 frequent- flier miles to go
for it. Besides, what do you have to lose? Huh?
N-The last remaining microscopic shred of my pride and self-respect?
[Kerry] Long gone, Nat. Besides, think of the story vou'll write. Oh my

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God, Lee would be eating his freakin' words. You know what, you're gonna
go, and you're gonna do this, and I.... I want you to make that okay? Get
that rugged unicorn notice you, okay? You got this. Go, go, go, go I love
you. Call me later.
Barman-Here are your drinks, guys. Get involved.
[woman] Thanks.
[Natalie] Sorry, I need these more than you do.
[woman] Hey!
N-The roof might not be my child. [gulps] but I'm still gonna raise it.
[crowd cheering] [coughs, clears throat] [singer laughing]
Hey! Where's my drink? Who has my drink? –
N-[clears throat, coughs]
Karaoke man-Okay, what do we got? This is Christmas karaoke
[Natalie] Just play it, please.
Km-Okay, up next, we have Natalie doing [sighs] her idea of a Christmas
song,
J-Sweet baby Jesus.
['I Would Do Anything For Love" [Natalie] / And I would do anything For
love
Men-Yes! Whoo!
Main boy-Be respectful. She has a condition.
N-Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
[patron] Whoo.
Tag-Yeah! Very solid.
-[crowd cheering]
J-Here. You left these inside.
N-[gasping] Shit. There must've been kiwi in those shots.
J-What?
N-[coughing] [straining] Where is it? Where is it?
J-Wha-- Where's what?
N-[gasping] [breathlessly] My EpiPen!
J-Oh shit!
J- Oh! Thank God you're not dead.
N- Where am I?
J-A hospital.
N-You took me to a vet?
J-Well, the real human hospital's 30 minutes away, and I didn't want to
risk it. But relax, Dr. Foye is the best in town.
Dr-[breathing heavily] Hello. I'm Dr. Foye. Wow! You look a lot, uh, a lot
better. Huh? Right? Good thing Josh brought you in when he did, huh? 'Cause
you were like... Whoo! You're gonna be fine. Stay as long as you like.
Couple biscuits under the tree for you if vou like.
Idoor closes]
N-Thank you.

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J-Thanks, Doc.
J-So, you met the real lag tonight, huh?
N-Mm-hmm.
J-Did you really think sexy karaoke was going to work? This is not LA, and
Tag is not an LA guy. Hot girls hit on him here all the time, and they're
all the same. If you want him to notice you, do something different.
N-Oh. he noticed me tonight.
J-Honestly, your face was so swollen, you looked more like Chuckv. I doubt
he'll recognize you.
N-I don't know anything about this guy.
J-But I do. Not only were Tag and I best friends until 8th grade, I have
been pretending to be him for the last two weeks.
N-So what?
J-So, | know Tag better than he knows himself. Jo- I can help you get him.
N-Why would you do that?
J-Well, maybe if I'm helping you with something, maybe you can do something
for me in return.
N- I am not having sex with you
J-No! That's not what I'm saying at all.I was thinking maybe you can,um,
pretend to be my girlfriend until Christmas.
N-Um.
J-Did you see how my parents looked at me tonight when they thought you
were my girlfriend?
N-Okay, you're crazy.
J-Being seen with you? That would be a huge win. I mean, you know, look at
you. All I'm asking for is a week. Then we'll stage a breakup, and you'll
be free from me forever.
N-You're gonna set me up with Tag?
J-Yes! You guys will be in love by New Year's. Have a baby by next
Thanksgiving. By the way, do you have insurance? They were asking me.
J-Well, welcome to my crib. This is where the magic happens. That's just
something people say. Not a lot of magic has happened at all. Uh..... but
got a mint-tridge with all kinds of soda. There's laundry, bathroom,
foosball table if you want to play.
N-[insincerely] Oh. I ove what you've done with the place.
J-Well, it's still, you know, it's pretty much temporary. My apartment is
still under renovation. It sustained a little smoke damage, SO. Well, good
night. Just make yourself comfortable.
N-[clears throat, chuckles] Uh. No. You, on the floor Now.
J-This is the only Tempur-Pedic in the house, and I have a bad back.
N-I don't care if this bed is the only thing keeping you from complete
paralysis. We ain't sharin.
J-What if we put pillows in the middle?
N-No.

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J-Okay. What if we do like head to toe?
N-Mm. It's always gonna be no. So, yeah. We should próbably address the,
uh, catfish in the room. You do realize that at some point, you were going
to have to meet me. J
-Well, I didn't set out to catfish you. It just kind of happened.
N-It kind of happened?
J-I had my profile up for a year, and guess how many matches I got. Three.
And one of them was my old English teacher. She's 70 now, and she has a
pacemaker. Having sex with her would literally kill her. So just as an
experiment, I thought I could use a picture of a standard hot guy and see
what would happen. I got 85 matches in five minutes. So, apparently,
there's plenty of girls out there. They just didn't want to date me
N-Are you seriously looking for sympathy right now? There are no words for
what you did.
J-Well, I would
N-No words! But a deal's a deal. So let's just move on.
J- Okay
[Barb] And your had to write the words on your hand.
[Josh laughing]
Jm- He keeps taking his glove off. His hands are freezing. ... I... I
thought your finger was gonna fall off Jm-Natalie, oh! Come on in, come on.
Join ts for breakfast. We just sat down.
N-Um, lactually should probably go shower.
Jgm-Oh, I'm sure you look absolutely beautiful. But full disclosure, |
can't see shit.
Jm- Please sit.
N- Wow, this all looks so delicious
Jd-Oh, please, help yourself to anything. Oh. bacon?
J-Oh, she's a vegetarian.
N-I'm a vegetarian. But thank voy Mr. Lin.
Jm-So where did you lovebirds rush off to last night?
J-Oh, we went to McGregor s for karaoke.
N-Mm-hmm.
[Barb] Oh, how was that?
N-Oh J-It was uh. swell? Right, Natalie?
Jgm-Well, I want to hear all about how you two met.
J-Oh, it's justan online dating app.
N-Not much to it. [scoffs]
J- Just text text, send. Next thing you know, she's right next to me.
N-Here | am. –
[Josh. Natalie chucklel
Jgm-What nonsense. People used to fall in and out of love based so upon the
written word. The pen is mightier than the penis.
-[chokes]

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Jm-Grandma, let's--We have company
Jd-Let's eat our eggs before they get cold
Jgm-So, Natalie, what was it about Josh that first caught your eye?
N-Gee. l mean, | don't even know where to start. There was just so many
unbelievable things in his profile. His photos. I took one look at that
hair, that unidue physique. ALL THINGS Uh, I mean, that jawline. [scoffs] I
though to myself, "'It's too cood to be true.
Jm- Oh no, it's true. He's gotten more chiseled in the last couple of
vears.
N-Oh, but it wasn't just the photos that enshared me. His bio He's
passionate about life Loves all things outdoors
Jd-He mentioned the store. –
[Josh chuckles]
[sniffs] My father started it 50 years ago I run it now, but Josh is one
of the salesmen.
J-We don't have to talk shop at breakfast.
Jd-Oh, but it’s so fascinating.
N-And all the travel that it must involve.
Jd- Well, if you count lunch runs to Applebee's, then Josh travels every
day.
[Natalie] Applebee's!
Jgm- You know, I've been thinking about joining one of those dating sites.
My friend Darlene down at Shimmering Pines, she loined one called Gray
Play, and she has seen more ass than a church pew.
Jm-Okay, June! Seriously.
Jgm- I could use your expertise in setting up my profile.
N-Oh. Um. Yeah
Jgm-May I see yours? And can you show me Josh's?
N-I didn't brino my phone. It’s downstairs.
J-Maybe later, Grams Yeah. Natalie and I have to head out. Uh, I'm gonna
show her a grand tour of Lake Placid and the store
Jm-Oh. That's a great idea. Fun.
J- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Jm- Bye, Drive carefully.
N- Oh. Yeah Mmm. So good!
J- She loves her toast!
J- Okay. The first thing you need to know about Tag is he likes outdoorsy,
adventurous women. Not Instagram models who count carbs.
N- I don't count carbs. monitor them
J- Sure. Whatever you say. So uh, what size are you?
[N- scofts] None of your business. Besides, what's wrong with what I'm
wearing?
J-You wanna look relaxed like you don't care. So go put these on because
Tag is gonna be here Any minute.

Page 14/26
 N- What?
J-Yeah, he's got an order come in. I told him to swing by at 11:00.
J-Oh, also, take this.
N-Uh. [sighs] Walden? Are you kidding me? Thoreau was an asshole.
J-Pretend you like it because that's Tag's favorite book. Also! When you're
talking to him throw in some rock climbing lingo. He loves that shit.
Jd- is that Tag?
T-Captain America!
Jd-How's it going?
T-Ooh! Solid as a rock! Thank you. It's good to see you, Mr. Lin. hear you
got some carabiners for me?
Jd-Sure do. They're in the back.
J-| want you to meet someone today.
[Tag] Oh? Okay.
[Tag] Nice stuff. Get some new duds in?
[Josh] Always. Tag, I want you to meet my cousin Natalie. And Natalie, I
want you to meet my old friend Tag.
T-You two are cousins?
N-Yeah. Uh. We. Well-
J-From my stepmom's side, so that would technically make us step-cousins.
Tag-oh.
N-A distinction that only really matters if you're from Alabama
J-She's such a joker.
T-Yeah Walden?
N-Oh.
T-That's my favorite book. I reread it every year.
N-Really? Wow.
Tag] Yeah,
N-No way!
T-[chuckles] Yeah. Isn't Thoreau the best?
N-Well, some people find him a self-obsessed narcissist, fanatical about
self-control, not to mention a total hypocrite, but personally, I find him
so inspiring.
T-"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. [sighs] I'm
sorry. It gets me every time.
N-If anyone gets it, it's me.
T-God Have we met before? Because you look so familiar. I just can't put my
finger on it.
J-Unlikely. Natalie just flew in from California this morning
N-This morning.
T-l actually teach a survival course in Yosemite every summer
N-Savage! [clears throat]
T-I guess you could say that, yeah.
N-I love Yosemite. It's, uh, I mean, there's some gnar-- like, gnarly

Page 15/26
climbing there.
T-You climb?
N-Me? [scoffs] Do I climb? I'll climb anything that moves. I'm an aggro.
T-Aggro?
J-Yeah, like aggressive. Aggro. [growls]
N-I climb all kinds of things like ladders, um, houses, um, trees,
ladders. Mostly ladders. [chuckles]
T-That's cool. "Um. a few of us are climbing at Rock Ventures tomorrow.
Wanna join?
J-Hell yeah! Let's do it.
T-Great.
N-Mm-hmm.

T-10:
J-Perfect.
T-Um. Well, hey, it was nice to meet you, Natalie. -I'II see you guys at
10:00 a.m. J-See you, bro.
N-Climb you later! [chuckles]
J-Savage? Gnarly? Aggro?
N-You're the one who told me to look up the lingo!
J-Yeah. Real words like "rappel" and "harness. You sound like you got
Millennial Tourette's!
N-Well, you know what? We've got bigger problems. I once broke my toe
climbing out of bed. How am I gonna climb a wall?
J-I can teach you right here. I mean, how bad could you possibly be?
N-[screaming]
-[Josh] All right. Come down!
N-[panting] I can't hold on!
J- [laughing] Here. Here. come on. –
Natalie whimpering. [exhales deeply] Sweet baby Jesus
J-The key is to not focus on the wall, but to focusion vour first move. And
then, your second. Okay? Onto your third. See, great things are done by a
series of small things brought together.
- [Natalie] Hmm?
J-Whew.
N-That's actually very insightful.
J-Van Gogh. Feel free to use it on Tag sometime. Any questions?
N-What was he like in high school?
J-Exactly what you'd expect. Class president, prom king, star of the
football team.
N-Why did you stop being friends?
J-[sighs] Because he got popular.
N-And you?
J-Didn't. [door chimes]

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J-Go ahead, come on. -[clears throat]
N-[exhales] Full disclosure, I was kind of a late bloomer too. [grunts]
J-I find that verv hard to believe.
N- Yeah, well, If it wasn't for Invisalign and Accutane you would not have
swiped on me. [grunts]
J-Well, if it wasn't for Tag's photos, you wouldn't have swiped on me.
N-[grunts] How am I doing so far?
J-You're actually doing great
N-Yeah?
J-Yeah.
N- [gasps, screams. - Natalie] Do you have a hamper?
J-Noskfit's over by the closet.
N-Is this how you boil your victims?
J-Careful! Careful! Careful! That's a wax warmer for candle-making. It's
very expensive. okay.
N-Grandma June makes candles?
J-Yes, it's one of her hobbies.
N-Josh Lin?
J-All right, fine, they're mine. Guys can do things besides hunt and pay
for everything, okay? Plus, I see this more as a business than a hobby.
N-All right.
H-Wait, hey, hey, whoa, whoal -Let's see what you got. [grunts] N-Come on!
[straining] Okay. N-oh
J-You see candles are solely marketed to women. They all smell like
flowers and candy with names like "Sweet Caresses" or "Shooting Star No
self-respecting man's gonna buy those, even if his apartment smells like
bong water. So, I created my own line of masculine candles ssence of a
dude. that captures the essence of a dude.
N- Yeah, I don't see "Compulsive Liar," '"Left The Toilet Seat Up," or
"Won't Ask For Directions" in here.
J-Make all the jokes you want, but 50 percent of the US cande market is
underserved.
N-So, then why don't you serve them?
J-Because a business costs money.
N-Then ask your dad for a loan. I feel like he's the target customer.
J-Have you met him?
N-Yeah.
J-The old Asian man upstairs?
N-Oh yeah.
[Josh] He's only interested in sporty, manly things. Plus, he and my
brother would just tease me about it. –
[Natalie] You have a brother?
[man] Prodigal son has returned! -["Macho Man" playing]
Jd-Christmas may now commence! [sighs]

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J- Speak of the devil.
Jd-Owen's here! Now it's Christmas!
Jm-Is that my baby?
*Singing*
N. Did he just...?
j. Yup.
*Singing* o. You are off-key, dad
N. How much is too much?
O. Other side, baby. It’s your mark.
*Singing*
O. Quick finish, Grandma, don’t mess it up!
O. Back by popular demand. Lin family carolers! Thank you. Thank you. Thank
you. Do we have any more requests?
Nqkva babichka. “Baby, it’s cold outside’’!
Bob/ o.j dad. I think we can make that happen. Who wants to take the duet?
N. Big mystery there, Bob
J. Natalie and I got this, dad.
B. Huh?
N. Wait, what?
J. Yup
N. Over my cold, dead, lifeless body. I’m not singing that. This is like a
sexual assault theme song
O. Hey, bro, why don’t you let me and Chels take this? Don’t think she
knows the lyrics
N. I do know them. I just don’t....
O. She knows the lyrics. We’re good
N. Josh, I....
J. This is what we are gonna do. You just do your part. I will change my
lyrics so the song doesn’t sound so, uh,rape-y
N. Fine, let’s just get this over with.
J. Dad? Hit it
*Singing*
Bob. Aw! What a duet! Terrific!
Barb. What a beautiful voice, Natalie!
N. Oh no. I don’t...
Bob. It was wonderful!
O. Okay, okay. I think...I think we should tell them.
O gf. It’s time to tell them. Let’s tell them.
O. I think it’s time. Okay
O. Can I have your attention? Please?
O. Uh. You know, we...we were gonna wait to tell everyone the great news,
but...(chuckles) after hearing all this singing about babies, we just got
so darn excited, and, uh we just couldn’t keep it to ourselves anymore.
Um...Mom? Dad? You are gonna be grandparents.

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O gf. We are pregnant.
Bob. O wow! Oh, son!
O. Oh, come here, come here. Come on, come on, Grandma
Barb. I’m proud of you.
O. We gotta come up with some names. Mom!
O.j mom. This is gonna be so much fun. We’re gonna do the bedroom, we’re
gonna do the nursery room
J. May I have everyone’s attention, please? May I... may I have everyone’s
attention, please? Owen and Chelsea, I just wanna say congratulations.
Seeing you guys so happy in love and now pregnant. I mean, it’s a... it’s a
dream come true. It’s a dream I never dared to have for myself. Finding
someone to spend the rest of my life with. It just didn’t really seem to be
in the cards...Until I met Natalie.
N. Hmm?
N. What are you doing? Get up.
J. Natalie. I... I know we haven’t known each other for that long...
N. No, we haven’t. We really haven’t.
J. But you know what they say. When you know, you know.
N. (Laughing nervously) I’m serious. This is not funny
J. Natalie Bauer
N. Stop it. Get up.
J. Will you marry me?
N. Stop...
O. He doesn’t even have a ring.
N. Yeah, you don’t have a ring.
J. Say yes. Just say yes. Just say yes
N. Jesus Christ
O.j grma. You can take mine. I don’t have to be buried with it.
J. Oh, thank you, Grandma. You are the best!
J. Natalie. Will you? (whispering) come on. Everybody’s looking at us.
Everyone’s looking. Just say yes.
O.j grma. We’re not getting any younger, dear.
N. Yes.
J. She said yes
Bob. Oh my God!
J. You’re making me the happiest boy...We’re the happiest family in town
Barb. Welcome to the family, Natalie.
J. Oh, thank you, Grandma. I’m the happiest man in town. Thank you. Thank
you, everyone...
Later
J. Okay. I... I know you’re mad...but you told me to stand up for myself,
and...and it worked!
N. I told you to stand up, not to get down on one knee! This was not part
of the plan.

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J. I’m...I’m sorry. I got carried away in the moment. But if you think
about it, nothing’s changed.
N. Nothing’s changed? Your grandma gave me her ring...out of her finger!
J. Still, we just gotta make it through Christmas. When you get back to LA
I just tell them we didn’t work out
N. And then I look like the asshole? Your family is gonna be crushed.
J. Don’t worry. They’re very used to me disappointing them.
N. What about Tag? I have a date with him tomorrow. What if he finds out
I’m engaged to my cousin?
J. He won’t. I promise you that. Okay? Everything will be fine. Just trust
me.
N. Tr... Trust you? That is literally the one thing that I cannot do!
N. I even wore a stupid hat! You wanted me to wear a hat. You’re like,
“It’s cute.” It’s dumb! Now I’m apparently getting married!
O. I don’t know about this Natalie. If she wants to be in our family, I
need to know who she is. And I’ve been searching for like an hour and
nothing. Not being Google-able is the modern equivalent of driving a white,
windowless van by a playground.
O gf. I went to prom in a white windowless van. Huh? I think you should
just let it go. I mean,she’s not that bad, and Josh seems really into her.
O. Chels, the baby barely has a heartbeat, let alone ears.
O gf. Music prevents stretch marks, Owen
N fr. Let me get this straight. You’re dating the real Tag and you’re
engaged to the fake Tag?
N. Correct.
N fr. My God, honey, you are gonna make a therapist very wealthy one day.
N. This isn’t funny, Ker! I am so screwed
N fr. All you have to do is make sure Tag and the Lins don’t find out
anything before Christmas, and you are golden. Just sit back, enjoy it
N. I don’t know Ker. I feel like this is all just going to blow up in my
face.
N fr. Honey, sometimes blow-ups can be a good thing. You might not always
get the ending that you want, but you’ll get the ending you need. Worst
case you get a free diamond ring.
Oh. Hey... hey, Nat. Sweetie, I love you, but I gotta go. My sponsor is
calling. Bye sweetie. Love you.
N. Kerry?
N. Is everything okay?
Bob. Oh, uh, Natalie, can you please hand me my... my wrench?
N. uh, yeah. Here.
Bob. Thanks
N. No problem
Bob. Got it. Whew. Damn flue always gets stuck. Oh, would you like to help
me with kindling?

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N. Sure
Bob. Just roll it lightly and scrunch.
N. yeah, my dad didn’t set fires unless there was an insurance claim
involved. Who is that?
Bob. Oh, that’s my dad. Yeah. He passed a few years ago.
N. I am sorry.
Bob. You know, that man loved two things in this world, his family and
Christmas. He used to climb up on the roof every Christmas Eve and stomp
around so the boys knew Santa had arrived. He fell off one year and broke
his arm. But he told the boys he broke it, protecting their presents from
the Grinch.
N. He sounds like a grat guy.
Bob. Yeah. Hey listen, um... I just want you to know that, we are really
happy to have you joining the family. Oh well, enough of that. Ready to
give this bad boy a go?
N. Sure Oh. Okay. Alright.
N. This is the most beautiful hike I’ve ever been on.
T. I’m glad you like it. I used to come here every day with my golden
retriever, Chewy. He passed away last year, actually. I miss him every day.
He would have liked this hike a lot... and you?
N. This has been nice. I haven’t been on a hike date in years.
T. Oh, this is not the date. It's just a warm-up. You ever been bobsledding
before?
N. I’m not good at this kind of stuff, Josh.
J. Okay. You just have to relax.
N. Relax? I can’t relax. The tension is the only thing holding me together.
J. Put in your AirPods and put on some music.
N. I don’t know if I have them. Actually, I have something even better. Oh,
um, E-Rock says “pass the dutch.”
J. E-Rock? When did he get out of jail?
T. How are you feeling back there, Natalie?
N. Flying high back here.
J. Glad you are not dard.
N. Oh! I’ve never felt more alive! Not only did Tag ask me to dinner
tomorrow night, but I’m pretty sure I qualified for the winter Olympics in
Beijing. Oh! For the first time, I met someone who’s as perfect in person
as they are on paper.
J. I hate to break it to you, but Tag is actually far from being perfect.
In first grade, he had lazy eye and needed to weak an eye patch.
N. Why are you being all weird?
J. I’m just trying to point out that in some cultures, height and facial
symmetry are repulsive.
N. It’s a good thing I’m not a part of those cultures. Whatcha doin’ over
here?

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J. Just mixing some new scents
N. Smells like freshly cut grass.
J. That one is called Lawn Mower.
N. Getting a feeling. Bear with me. It’s like a—You know those blue-collar
mechanics guys with the tight shirts, that put in a hard day’s work?
J. Jiffy Lube is what I'm calling it.
N. You might want to rethink the names, but you did nail the scents.
J. Oh, sorry, that’s just for me.
N. Ooh. Yeah, well, looks like now it’s just for me. Eucalyptus. I love
eucalyptus. And Old Spice. And there’s, like, a tiny little tinge of,
hmm... gasoline? What is this one?
J. Grandpa. I started making candles because of him in the first place. You
know they say a scent can make a memory come alive. So, I made one of him.
It’s lame I know.
N. No it’s not lame. It’s actually really sweet.
Barb. Hey, guys, the movie is about to start!
N. What movie?
J. The greatest Christmas movie of all time.
Grandma. I’ve seen that guy in something.
O gf. He’s from Game of Thrones.
Bob. No, he is from that zombie show.
O. Walking Dead.
O gf. Ugh, I hated that documentary.
Barb. Guys, come on. This is my favourite part. Oh shoot! Oh! Oh, look!
It’s going to print! Little lovebirds! Your engagement announcement. It’s
going to be it the Gazette tomorrow.
Bike kid. You can run but you can’t hide.
J. Oh shit. Stay down. Stay down. He is gone.
N. Are you sure? I’m pretty sure that paperboy is gonna get fired over
this.
J. I’ll give him a job at the store.
N. Oh, well, I hope he likes to travel.
J. That’s an upgrade, I’d say. Okay. This is the last street. I think we
got all of it. Oh my god.
N. I mean, I... I look like a deer in the headlights in this photo.
J. No, you don’t.
N. Yes, I do. It’s a pretty decent photo of you, though.
J. Probably the only one in existence.
N. Cone on, Josh. I know a lot of girls that would be into you.
J. Well, they are definitely nor on Flirt Alert.
N. Do you still have your original profile photos? Oh my god you do. Come
on show me.
J. No. I deleted the whole thing.
N. No, you didn’t. Please I know you! I know you! Show me the photos!

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J. Okay, okay!
N. Dude. You are holding an axe. You literally look like an axe murderer.
J. I was going for, like, a rugged look. What? Who doesn’t loke a bathroom
selfie? I looked kind of cut that day. Look.
N. No one loves a bathroom selfie! Also, why are you holding a wrench?
J. I was fixing the toilet downstairs. Girls like guys who fix things.
N. Okay, okay. Come here. Come here. Let’s recap for a second. You’re
holding a wrench, an axe, and some rope. Were you actually trying to find a
girlfriend or the person who murdered Colonel Mustard in the library? No
wonder you only got three matches. You were hiding your strengths
J. And what strengths are those?
N. For one, you have very nice eyes. You got to show those puppies off. And
those teeth. You have really straight teeth. They are freakishly straight.
J. Well, five years of braces.
N. So then smile more! There you go. There it is. I’m Kidding. But more
importantly, you are a good guy Josh.
J. Well, I don’t know how to show that in a photo.
N. Well, for starters, you got to believe that its true. And then, once you
do, trust me, it will show. Promise me when this is all over, you’ll put up
an honest profile with real photos that show the real you.
J. I promise.
Bike kid. I know you are in there mofos, I can see the steam!
N. Go, Go, Go!
J. Sure you don’t want to stay the night? We’re making a gingerbread house.
N. I told Tag I’d meet him at eight. Okay. So? What do you think?
J. Wow!
N. I know. I—It’s the best I could find in your mom’s closet. But I did
have to make a couple of alterations. I hope she doesn’t mind.
J. No. You look perfect.
N. Okay. No need to oversell it.
J. So where are you guys going tonight?
N. Um... Abbott’s, I think.
J. you know that’s a steakhouse, right?
N. Yeah. His parents own it.
J. Right, but you are vegetarian but Tag’s a real meat-and-potatoes type of
guy, and he likes his girls the same way.
N. Okay, so I’ll eat a potato. Worst case, maybe I’ll have a little meat.
J. Yeah, don’t you think that’s going a little too far?
N. No.
J. Okay. Pretending to like rock climbing or a book, that’s one thing. But
now you are compromising your beliefs.
N. Okay, Relax. It’s not like I’m opening up a slaughterhouse.
J. Well, it’s meat today, but then what are you going to lie about
tomorrow?

Page 23/26
N. Lie? Let’s not forget the reason I’m here is because you lied.
J. I lied about a photo.
N. No. You hid behind a photo. You lied about your identity.
J. But it was still me. Every conversation we had, every text we exchanged,
every laugh we shared. It was me. You liked me. And you liked me so much,
you flew across the country to surprise me for Christmas.
N. You’re right. I liked you. But you were a lie. A piece of fiction.
Server. Good evening. Any questions on the menu?
T. I will have a porterhouse.
Server. And how would you like that cooked?
T. You know me. So rare, a good vet could bring it back to life.
B. Josh, I’m sorry that Natalie couldn’t be with us tonight. Where is she?
J. Abbott’s
B. What is she doing there?
J. Uh, she’s just... uh... uh... sampling the menu, uh, for the wedding
meal.
O. Isn’t that something you do together?
J. No, it doesn’t matter what I like. As long as she is happy, I’m happy
O. Oh crap. I’m out ow Twizzlers. How can I build my beautiful roof without
Twizzlers. I’ll be right back. Anyone needs anything, no okay.
T. So, what do you thing of the place?
N. It's really something. We can see Bambi without going to Disney World.
T. I shot that one actually.
N. Wow!
T. Okay, so you like pizza, rock climbing, and Thoreau. What else do you
like?
N. Movies. Specifically, Die Hard. It is the greatest Christmas movie of
all time.
T. Well, cheers to that.
N. I totally love Christmas, but Santa is actually kind of creepy when you
think about it. He sees you when you are sleeping. He knows when you are
awake. He always makes you sit on his lap.
T. Yep. Totally agree. I mean that guy is everything that’s wrong with
Christmas. It’s pretty much why I don’t celebrate it.
N. Oh, you are serious? You don’t celebrate Christmas?
T. No Stopped three years ago.
N. Why?
T. Because it’s a total scam.
N. Okay. Really? Okay. Oh, don’t pull up to the house. Everyone is
sleeping. No offense, but your car is a little loud.
T. Well I had a really nice evening.
N. I did too. Thank you. Good night.
T. Good night.
J. There’s cereal in there.

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N. Hey, Josh, listen. About what I said last night, I--
J. Look you don’t have to say anything.
N. No, I want to. I shouldn’t have--
Grandma. Hey, kids. I need your help. Go get dressed, and meet me at the
car.
J. Where are we going?
Gm. Shimmering Pines
J. Come on, Grandma. Just ask Mom to help. Okay? She loves that place.
Gm. I don’t need your mom. I need you.
Gm. We are starting now. We are going to start now, everyone. We are going
to be starting now. Many of you have expressed interest in online dating.
Well, Ive brought you two experts. My grandson Josh, and his fiancée
Natalie. They met online and now are engaged, so who better to teach you
the dos and don'ts's of online dating. Any questions.
Gm1. How do I make clear that I don’t want anything long term?
J. Um... I thing that might be implied.
Gp.1 Do I have to mention my Parkinson’s?
N. I think being honest is always a good idea.
Gp.1. What if I spruce it up just a little bit? Instead of “has
Parkinson’s,” I go with, uh, “Always on the move.”
Gp.2. I want to avoid mentioning that I'm in a wheelchair.
Gp.2. Then just change it. Say, “I enjoy rolling with the homies.”
J. Guys, I think you got the wrong Idea.
Gm.1. And will the fact that I live in a nursing home turn off a lot of
men?
N. Not necessarily.
Gm.2. Just say “into the group thing.”
Gm.1. And then Hank there would prefer staying in over going out.
J. Everyone just stop. I get it. I really do. You want to put your best
foot forward. You’ve lived a full vibrant live and you are a good person.
Travelled the world, fought in a war. But then the insecurities creep in,
and you start with just a slight exaggeration. Still you, just a shinier
version. But you like it. So, you tweak until the real you are
unrecognisable. But here is the thing. You are not just fooling yourself.
There is someone else in the other side of that lie falling in love with a
version of you that doesn’t exist. And that’s not fair. The only way it
ends for them is disappointment. And the only way it ends for you is
heartbreak. If I've learned anything is that love doesn’t need to be
perfect, it just has to be honest.
Gm1. Is “curvy” spelled with a Y or an EY?
N. I guess I never realised. I was so busy being mad at you, I never
stopped to thing why you did it in the first place.
J. Look. Natalie, the why doesn’t matter anymore. It was wrong. I
shouldn’t' have asked you in the first place. And I'm just going to go to

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my family and come clean with everything.
N. Wait, what? No, you can't do that. Josh this isn't your fault. I mean...
Besides, a deal is a deal. We’ve made it this far. It’s only two days till
Christmas. Let’s stage a breakup like we planned. Don’t worry, I’ll sell
it.
J. I don’t know It doesn’t feel right. Grandma, the car is this way!
Grandma, that’s the wrong way. Grandma, where are you going?
All. Surprise!
O. Hey, Guys!
N. Your parents threw us a surprise engagement party? Here?
J. Yes, not ideal.
N. Hi! What are you doing here?
T. Your aunt asked if we could throw a surprise engagement party for Josh
here. I figured it was the least I could do. Where is the bride-to-be
anyway? I haven't met her yet.
N. She is doing the rounds.
Guy. Congratulations, dear.
N. Thank you. You look hungry.
T. Why did he just congratulate you?
N. Oh you didn’t hear? I was the millionth customer at the Supermart. Hmm.
Free non-Perishables for life.
T. Wow! I know a great charity that--
N. Do you know where the coat check is? Do you mind thaking it there for
me? Thank you so much.
T. You look great, by the way.
N. Thanks.
ER. J-dog, congrats my man.
J. E-Rock! My mom really did invite everybody in town. Huh?
ER. Well, actually, I was just dropping off your, uh, your lady’s suitcase.
There is so much nice underwear in there. You are a lucky guy.
Lee. I gotta say I’m surprised.
N. Lee?
Lee. I didn’t think it was gonna work out.
N. How are you here?
Lee. Duh, first class, honey. I’m no peasant. Listen you are not the only
one who can stalk people on the internet. I found about this little soiree
courtesy of Barb’s Facebook page.Hello!
J. Hey, how’s it going?
N. So Tag and Lee are here.
J. Lee? Are you dating two guys now?
N. No, he is my boss.
J. What? Why is he here?
N. Because God hates me.

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