Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Forgiveness Facilitator
Forgiveness Facilitator
FACILITATOR GUIDE
Table of Contents About this Guide
About This Guide....................................................3
Endnotes...............................................................27
Additional Resources............................................28
Letter-Writing Tips.........................................30
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FOUR CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS
FACILITATOR GUIDE (continued)
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FOUR CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS
FACILITATOR GUIDE (continued)
Conversation Format exemplify honest sharing by mentioning any
feelings that you may have in this moment about
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FOUR CONVERSATIONS ABOUT FORGIVENESS
FACILITATOR GUIDE (continued)
A Suggested List Listening with Focus
of Shared Agreements and Attention
A
for Four Conversations s a group, you might take a few minutes
About Forgiveness to discuss the value of listening, and
S
share experiences where you really felt
hared agreements among group mem-
heard or really tuned in to someone who needed
bers can help to keep conversations
to be heard.
orderly, respectful, and conducive to
honest sharing. Your group may amend or custom- A discussion about good listening skills might
ize this list, as needed, or you might choose instead include these points:
to brainstorm your own set of agreements.
l Listening with an open heart and mind
You can vote on your shared agreements at the l Allowing the speaker to finish his or her
Simply put, there is first conversation, and refer to them as needed thoughts and sentences, even when we feel
nothing, nothing in throughout the remaining conversations. We invite impatient to speak
you to also consider the power of listening with
the world, that can focused attention as a way to support all partici- l Accepting that the speaker feels what he or
take the place of one pants in the conversations. she feels, no matter what we think, and
refraining from “correcting” the speaker’s
person intentionally 1. We agree to hold confidential what is shared feelings
in this room. If we encounter a conversation
listening or speaking partner outside this room, we will respect his l Listening with no agenda other than to be
to another. or her privacy. a sounding board for someone who needs
to speak
2. We intend to balance sharing and listening,
—Jacob Needleman allowing everyone to participate, and we’ll l Imagining that we are speaking and listening
pass whenever we wish. to ourselves
3. When someone is speaking, we’ll allow him l Listening without trying to solve or fix a
or her to speak uninterrupted, and refrain problem, unless feedback or advice is sought
from giving unsolicited feedback, advice, or l (Other skills, as suggested by our group)
commentary.
4. We commit to using “I” statements as often
as possible when we share.
5. We will assume good intentions on everyone’s
part, agree that we may disagree at times, and
learn together about respecting differences.
6. If an exercise makes us uncomfortable, we
can skip it or ask the facilitator about an
alternative.
7. We intend to arrive on time and attend all four
conversations, and strive to begin and end our
conversations on time.
8. We will listen with focus and attention.
(Add other agreements unique to our group.)
T
injustice, or deep hurt. Forgiveness involves a
he concept of forgiveness should come
willingness to see the transgression and trans-
naturally to us. Why? Because we are unique
gressor in a larger context, and to replace nega-
and fallible human beings. Because we
tive feelings with compassion and tolerance.
make mistakes. We see the world differently. Our
preferences, foibles, personalities, and needs differ. Robert Enright, PhD, professor of educational psy-
Our religions, cultures, and world views differ. chology at the University of Wisconsin, Madison,
points out that by forgiving “we are acknowledging
These differences, combined with the daily frus-
that the offense was unfair and will always con-
trations, hurts, and injustices we witness and
tinue to be unfair. Second, we have a moral right
experience throughout our lives, can cause us pain
to anger; it is fair to cling to our view that people
and even inflict deep wounds in our hearts and
do not have a right to hurt us. We have a right
Forgiveness is both
psyches. For those wounds, forgiveness can be a
powerful, self-administered salve. In fact, research
to respect. Third, forgiveness requires giving up a decision and a
something to which we have a right—namely
has revealed that forgiveness can contribute to real change in emo-
our anger or resentment.”1
F
our health, happiness, and peace of mind. tional experience.
orgiveness is an opportunity for trans-
For some of us, forgiveness isn’t something we
formation, both individually and That change in
think much about. For others, it is a central life
practice. For many, it is misunderstood. When you
collectively. It not only helps relieve emotion is related
mental and emotional anguish, but it
think of forgiveness, what is the first thing that
offers the possibility for change, for redemption,
to better physical
arises? A thought? A feeling? A memory? What
for restoration—for hope and even love to blos- and mental health.
does forgiveness mean to you? Whatever you think
som from pain and suffering. It can stop a cycle
of when you think of forgiveness, it is a starting
of hurt and create opportunity where there —Everett Worthington
point for coming to a common understanding of
seemed to be none. Most of all, it has the poten-
this timeless and powerful practice. That is where
tial to heal and open our hearts to love again
we will begin.
and more fully, strengthening and building our
If forgiveness is a hard concept for you to grasp, capacity for compassion and understanding.
you aren’t alone. It’s not an easy practice or process,
For each person, there is a unique history and
especially if you’re just starting out. The first time
set of reasons why we choose to forgive or not to
forgiveness crosses your mind or lips is just one
forgive. If you’ve experienced someone forgiving
moment in a process to untangle yourself from
you, you likely have an idea why this practice is
the pain and repercussions of experiencing a hurt,
important. If you’ve forgiven someone who hurt
transgression, or injustice.
you and you have felt the tension within you begin
You may be afraid that forgiving an offense will to ease, you may understand the significance of
diminish the affront itself. It won’t. Forgiveness is forgiveness. But there is more.
not forgetting. It is not accepting or justifying the
offense. It is not pardoning, excusing, condoning,
or even reconciling. And you don’t necessarily
have to understand the offender or the offense
to forgive.
www.loveandforgive.org -9
ESSAY:
Why Forgive? (continued)
Until fairly recently there was little research to
Why People Forgive substantiate the tangible benefits of forgiveness.
In the past decade, however, interest in the topic
According to Robert Enright, the
has exploded both inside and outside academia.
reasons that people forgive fall into
Researchers are exploring the role of forgiveness
the following eight categories:
in our health, well-being, and relationships and
1. You forgive to quiet your angry in healing intergroup conflict. Through their
feelings. research, they are finding effective ways to bring
this practice into many aspects of our lives.
2. Forgiveness changes destructive
www.loveandforgive.org -11
ESSAY:
Why Forgive? (continued)
“To receive forgiveness from God there “The first step towards forgiveness is
are three requirements: to understand the negativities that are
created by non-forgiveness and become
1. Recognizing the offense itself
aware of the futility and irrationality of
and its admission before God.
nursing grudges. We need to under-
2. Making a commitment not to stand the law of karma and know that
repeat the offense. the non-forgiveness is against God, The giant pine tree
and then sincerely decide to forgive.
3. Asking for forgiveness from God.
Merely understanding the need to
grows from a tiny
“If the above three conditions are met forgive is not enough. It is crucial to sprout. The journey
in sincerity, forgiveness from God is take a decision to forgive, because it of a thousand miles
assured. Sincerity protects a person is only then that the whole process of
from repeating the same offense. If a unraveling begins. Forgiveness is not starts from beneath
person is sincere he will be helped by an action or emotion, it is something your feet.
God not to repeat; in addition, God will much deeper. It is the state of my being.
change his punishment for the offense When forgiveness happens there is no
into a reward.”14 need to say anything. It is a state where —Lao Tzu
there is no hatred or sense of revenge
— M. Amir Ali, PhD, founder, Institute of that remains.”15
Islamic Information and Education
—Swami Nikhilananda, director,
Chinmaya Mission
www.loveandforgive.org -13
Conversation One:
What Is the Nature of Forgiveness?
L
l There is someone I need to forgive. ead a discussion around these or your own
forgiveness pill and questions. Depending on the group size,
l Not forgiving someone is adding stress
then they smile and to my life. this discussion can be done in the large
group or in pairs or trios of participants, with one
hug each other. l I have been hurt, betrayed, and/or let down. member of each team reporting to the larger group
l I am carrying a burden of pain because any highlights of their discussion.
— Robert Enright in The
Power of Forgiveness I haven’t forgiven someone. l How do you feel after seeing the video clip?
l I need to be forgiven for something What is your reaction?
I did or said. l Kraybill says that Amish children see their
l Justice is more important to me than parents forgiving or extending forgiveness
forgiveness. and that is how they learn about forgiveness.
How did you learn about forgiveness? What
After you have reviewed the shared agreements do you think the children in our community
and other logistical issues and centered the learn about forgiveness? What changes would
group, you may wish to invite comments on the you want to make?
responses. Then invite participants to read the
essay “Why Forgive” out loud, having each person l According to Kraybill, one element that
read a paragraph. Allow people to pass. This pro- enables the Amish to forgive is the strength
vides background and context. If you like, you can of their community, which, he says, helps
spend some time discussing people’s reactions them “absorb” hatred and deal with anger,
and thoughts about the essay. Then play the video because they don’t need to defend themselves
clip and follow up with discussion. This can be individually. How do you think our commu-
done as a large group, in pairs, or in small groups. nity might learn to absorb hatred and anger?
If time permits, you may choose to do one of the How might that help us as individuals?
suggested activities to further explore the topic. l What can you learn from the Amish approach
to forgiveness? What aspects might you want
to include in your own life?
what they think the difference between acting Encourage participants to review their Participant
from the heart and acting from the mind might Handbook, and remind them of the date of the
be. Invite them to consider how they approach next conversation.
forgiveness in their own lives.
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Conversation two:
Why Forgive?
L
to drive unsafely, ead a discussion around these or your own minutes to speak, uninterrupted. When the first
and that has an questions. Depending on the group size, speaker’s time is up (as indicated by timer or
this discussion can be done in the open facilitator), the partners pause in silence, and the
impact on health. group or in pairs or trios of participants, with one first speaker becomes the listener for two minutes,
member of each team reporting to the group any repeating the exercise.
— Kathleen Lawler Row in highlights of their discussion.
The Power of Forgiveness Invite participants to share some of the qualities
l How do you feel after seeing the clip? that they described, and encourage discussion
What is your reaction? about how to cultivate those qualities.
l Think about a time when you forgave
someone or were forgiven. What were the
benefits to you?
prepare for a presentation. You find out that as Where can you start to incorporate forgiveness in
teenagers you both hung out at the same ham- your life? Perhaps you might forgive a friend who
burger stand. Then, as you look into his eyes, didn’t keep a confidence, a spouse who did some-
it dawns on you—he and his friends beat you thing hurtful, or a stranger who spoke harshly.
O
unconscious 25 years ago—because you are gay.
ne of the seemingly most difficult
What would you do? Could you forgive him? places to start is with yourself. We are We usually think
often hardest on ourselves, and that can
In this case, Matthew Boger did. Boger, floor man-
spill out into how we approach most aspects of people who have
ager for the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles,
inadvertently came face-to-face with his attacker,
of our lives and our relationships. According to hurt us as evil people.
Luskin, “… forgiveness of self emerges when we
former skinhead Tim Zaal, a volunteer at the
understand that even with our own actions we do
We see them in black
museum, who had since turned his life around. capes, intent on in-
not have total control. Everybody makes mistakes.
After their first dramatic meeting, the two didn’t
We all make bad decisions and act from poor
speak for awhile. Then, Boger said, he realized flicting pain. In most
information … Being human allows us to offer
that forgiveness provided the only way to move
forgiveness to ourselves, never forgetting that we cases, though, people
forward. Zaal apologized and, over time, the two
developed a friendship. They now speak to groups
have resources at our disposal to improve our- are simply caught up
selves and help others.”18
about their experience, both hoping to help end in the situation.
hatred and invoke tolerance.16 Researchers have established a variety of effective
approaches and specific steps to achieve forgive- —Everett Worthington
Admittedly this is a dramatic example of forgive-
ness. The bottom line: it begins with and requires
ness. Not all of us would forgive such a painful
a willingness to change. It is important to find the
act. As a result of Boger’s gesture, however, the two
unique approach that best fits you. The good news
men provide a moving example of the transfor-
is that studies have shown that there is more than
mative power of forgiveness.
one road to forgiveness.
Forgiveness is more difficult for some of us than
others. Psychologists who have studied people’s Making a Decision
tendency to forgive note that there are personality to Forgive
traits—such as being empathic and emotion-
Luskin frames it as a choice, a decision to reclaim
ally engaged with others—that predispose some
and reframe your story, moving from the role of
people to forgiveness. Our genetic makeup, our
victim to the story’s hero—a person who, despite
upbringing, and our personality, all contribute
suffering, chooses to forgive. You may come to this
to our proclivity to forgive. Regardless of our
choice, as Matthew Boger did, because it seems the
starting point, however, we each can learn the
best option, or to end your own suffering, or for
steps to forgiveness or how to forgive, and reap
some other reason altogether. Whatever the reason,
the benefits of better physical and emotional
it marks the start of your journey.
health and well-being.
www.loveandforgive.org -17
ESSAY:
The Journey to Forgiveness (continued)
Changing Your Emotions build a context for their actions and, perhaps, see
that all of us are capable and guilty of hurting
W
oped and studied to forgive an overwhelming
hen it comes to reacting to devas-
personal tragedy—his mother’s murder. In his
We must develop and book Five Steps to Forgiveness, he explains,
tating events in our lives, it’s
important to be gentle with our-
maintain the capac- “… trauma seems to cause the emotional
selves. Dark feelings may arise in response to
centers of the brain to become extremely active,
ity to forgive. He and it changes emotional experience strongly.
hurt or betrayal, which is perfectly normal.
Holding on to or feeding these feelings is what
who is devoid of the Imagining a traumatic scene and pairing it
causes us to remain stuck in a pattern of pain
with the emotion of compassion most likely
power to forgive is reprogrammed my emotions of rage and fear.”20
and anger. Forgiveness is one of the first steps
to our healing as we try to move on with our
devoid of the power There are common elements to the various lives after a painful or traumatic event.
to love. There is some approaches to forgiveness that researchers have
It’s also important to understand that recovering
good in the worst of developed. Clearly, we must acknowledge the
from the pain you experienced takes time. Neither
transgression, the hurt, anger, and other emotions
us and some evil in emotional recovery nor forgiveness can be rushed.
that arise in response to it. Denying or ignoring
Sometimes we feel the need to take the high road
the best of us. When any part of our experience inhibits our ability to
and put on a strong front, only to find later that the
move beyond the pain of the event itself.
we discover this, we hurt is still there; we just built a moat around it.
Depending on the magnitude of the transgression, Instead, the fortification we constructed keeps the
are less prone to hate forgiveness frequently requires finding people hurt inside and, ironically, prevents us from being
our enemies. to support you. Our culture, particularly popular able to receive support.
media, often feeds and glorifies the notion of
If talking about what happened is too difficult,
revenge. Family and friends may be overly protec-
—Martin Luther King, Jr. journaling may help. According to studies by psy-
tive, suffer from hurt and anger for what was done
chologist James W. Pennebaker and his colleagues,
to you, and seek revenge on your behalf. Finding
writing about difficulties in our lives correlates
people who can listen without judgment and help
with improved health and mood, even raising
you consider forgiveness as an option is important
immunity.22 Journaling might provide a way to
to the process.
get another perspective on emotions and events.
Worthington points out that “people who hurt or
Whatever road you choose to travel, forgiveness is
offend us often do so because they’re conditioned
possible. Find a road map that fits you, and begin.
by their past.”21 Looking at the offender as a whole
It may be one of the greatest gifts you give yourself.
person, with a history that led them to behave the
And the results of your efforts may surprise you.
way they did and immediate circumstances that
may have fueled their behavior, allows a seed of
empathy to be planted. When we can see others’
vulnerability, pain, and difficulties, it’s easier to
www.loveandforgive.org -19
ESSAY:
The Journey to Forgiveness (continued)
Commit Publicly
to Forgive
Altruistic Gift
of Forgiveness
Empathize
L
Questions for Discussion
ead a discussion around these or your own
questions. Depending on the group size,
this discussion can be done in the open
learning to forgive. Read the essay “The Journey group or in pairs or trios of participants, with one
to Forgiveness” out loud. The essay includes member of each team reporting to the group any
several researchers’ approaches or steps to forgive- highlights of their discussions.
ness, as a way of showing readers that there is
l How do you feel after seeing the video clip?
no single “right” way. As you read through the
What is your reaction?
approaches, you might want to encourage partici-
pants to engage in the home practices that build l Worthington describes how he had been
on the essay. Play the video clip and follow up with studying forgiveness as a researcher and
discussion. If time permits, you may choose to do practicing as a therapist for many years
the suggested activity to further explore the topic. before his mother’s murder. He says:
One forgives to
“when the moment came where I needed the degree that
Video Clip from
The Power of Forgiveness
to put that into practice, the gift was already one loves.
there.” What do you think about his state-
“Practicing Forgiveness” ment? Could it apply to you?
—Francois de La
l Worthington says in the clip that he and Rochefoucauld
In this six-minute clip, Everett Worthington
his siblings were all able to forgive the mur-
describes how his mother was murdered and
derer, and they felt that in so doing, they
how he and his siblings were able to forgive the
were honoring their mother and providing
murderer. The clip then shows Worthington
a testament to what their parents taught
helping a student whose friend committed suicide
them about forgiveness. How do you feel
see the situation from his friend’s perspective.
about this statement? How does his state-
ment connect love and forgiveness?
www.loveandforgive.org -21
Conversation three:
Learning To Forgive
Group Activities Two Chairs
The following are additional suggested activities Invite participants to practice the “two chairs”
for you to use as you see fit. activity demonstrated in the video clip. Place two
chairs side by side. Ask for a volunteer who is
You may want to do the first at the beginning of willing to share a situation requiring forgiveness.
the conversation and the second following the Invite the volunteer to sit in one of the chairs and
discussion questions. tell the story from the point of view of the person
asking for forgiveness. Now ask the person to
How Many F’s?
switch chairs and tell the story from the point of
Write the following statement on a flip chart. Ask view of the person being asked for forgiveness.
participants to silently count the number of “f ’s” Afterward, discuss the ways in which the stories
in the following sentence. Forgiving oneself is often are the same and/or different, and the implica-
one of the most difficult things for average folk to do. tions for offering or receiving forgiveness.
—Everett Worthington
in The Power of
Forgiveness
O
it can be offered on others’ behalf, and whether
ne such story is that of Beth Savage,
atrocities of the magnitude of the Holocaust
who survived a deadly grenade attack
should be forgiven at all.
by the Azanian People’s Liberation Army
Are there actions that are unforgivable under (APLA), the armed wing of one of South Africa’s
any circumstances? If not, are there any limits to liberation movements, the Pan Africanist Congress.
forgiveness? If so, is there redemption from the Badly injured in 1992, she endured months in
darkest part of our souls? intensive care and a difficult recovery. Four years
later her father died from what she believes was a
In his response to Wiesenthal’s challenge, Hans
broken heart. Still, she said the
Habe, writer, reporter, and news editor, wrote,
experience had enriched her life. And when asked
“One of the worst crimes of the Nazist (sic) regime
how she felt about amnesty for a member of the
was that it made it so hard for us to forgive. It led
APLA, Savage said, “It’s not important to me, but
us into the labyrinth of our souls. We must find a
… what I would really, really like is … to meet
way out of the labyrinth—not for the murderers’
that man that threw that grenade in an attitude
sake, but for our own.”24
of forgiveness and hope that he could forgive me
What, if anything, does forgiving horrific, murder- too for whatever reason.”26
ous acts or injustices offer us? Can such blights on
our humanity as slavery, apartheid, the Holocaust,
www.loveandforgive.org -23
ESSAY:
Forgiving the Unforgivable (continued)
Many may find that story hard to believe. How killed by Hutus while she and seven other women
could she ask the perpetrator to forgive her? Why hid, crammed in a tiny bathroom in the home of
does she think she needs to be forgiven? It is easy an Episcopal priest. For three months she survived
to stand in judgment. Especially when it comes in that bathroom, hearing murderous Hutu gangs
to others’ travesties. And when we are injured, or threatening to kill her. While on the floor of the
someone we love is injured, we are often blinded bathroom, she fought feelings of hatred and prayed
by our pain and outrage. Part of our judgment may for forgiveness.
A
be a wish to separate ourselves from those who are
ccording to Ilibagiza, “The people who’d
capable of horrific transgressions. That is human.
hurt my family had hurt themselves even
Yet how many of us are immune to our shadow
more and they deserved my pity. There
side? In the heat of the moment, do we know what
was no doubt that they had to be punished for their
we would do? Living in an unsafe, unjust, or violent
crimes against humanity and against God … But
environment, do we know what we would do?
F
I prayed for compassion as well. I asked God for
orgiveness requires us to traverse men- the forgiveness that would end the cycle of hatred
tal, emotional, ethical, and, for many, —hatred that was always dangerously close to the
spiritual territory. It cannot stand apart surface.”28 Even while fleeing machete-wielding
from the need for justice, grieving, Hutus after leaving the priest’s home, Ilibagiza
emotional healing, and, in some cases, reconcili- prayed for God to forgive her stalkers. And when,
ation and restitution. And it does not and should after his capture, she came face to face with the
not trivialize, condone, or absolve the wrongdoing. man who killed her mother and brother and would
Whether it can help heal the pain, anger, hatred, likely have killed her, she offered forgiveness.29
and destruction left in its wake is, however, an
Forgiving horrific acts does not require religious
important question to ponder.
faith, nor is it just for the saints among us. For
The experience of South Africa’s TRC, many some, however, it has been too trivialized in a
believe, did help begin the process of healing. “We culture that popularizes and commodifies even
have survived the ordeal and we are realizing that the most personal and sacred. For some it seems
we can indeed transcend the conflicts of the past, to demean the victim and downplay the crime.
we can hold hands as we realize our common
What role could forgiveness play in stopping
humanity …” Tutu wrote. “The generosity of spirit
present-day horrors such as Darfur? State-
will be full to overflowing when it meets a like
sponsored torture or terrorism? Entrenched
generosity. Forgiveness will follow confession and
conflicts such as those between Palestinians and
healing will happen, and so contribute to national
Israelis? Indians and Pakistanis? How could
unity and reconciliation.” 27 South Africa’s example
forgiveness help people affected, either directly
allowed a peaceful transition to a democratic state
or indirectly, by acts of terror or injustice? For-
while acknowledging and providing a forum for its
giveness for the unforgivable? It’s a question that
citizens to express their pain, hurt, and forgiveness
deserves contemplation.
for the injustices of the past. While not all agree
with Tutu or the success of the TRC in achieving
reconciliation, he held and still holds a vision of
hope and healing.
L
and found him.” How might self-forgiveness
ead a discussion around these or your own
help her move on with her life?
questions. Depending on the group size,
this discussion can be done in the open l Alexandra Asseily talks about the Garden
group or in pairs or trios of participants, with one of Forgiveness as being a way toward peace,
member of each team reporting to the group any saying, “If we’re going to go down a road to
highlights of their discussion. peace, we do have to cross that bridge. We
do have to take the bridge of forgiveness.”
l How do you feel after seeing the clip?
Do you agree?
What is your reaction?
l Do you consider the events of 9/11 to be l Alexandra Asseily says, “If we forgive our-
selves, it’s a wonderful beginning to for-
unforgivable? Why?
giveness … it’s our lack of compassion for
l Lyndon Harris says, “What we hope to do is ourselves that makes us so upset with
create a meditation garden where people can others.” What is the relationship between
come and at least reflect on the possibility self-forgiveness and love?
of forgiveness. We want to help people decide
www.loveandforgive.org -25
Conversation four:
Forgiving the Unforgivable (continued)
Group Activities Forgiveness Stories
The following are additional suggested activities Invite individuals to share a story of a time
for you to use as you see fit. when they felt they had “successfully” forgiven
themselves, been forgiven, or forgiven someone
Spreading the Word else. What were the important elements? Did
it feel different for them to forgive themselves
Invite the group to break up into small groups,
Actually if we really or someone else?
F
and ask them to create an advertisement for
forgave ourselves forgiveness. It can be designed for a magazine, inally, lead a discussion among partici-
newspaper, radio, the Web, or television. Provide pants about how the four conversations
for all the wicked- paper and pens. If they are designing a print have affected them—asking about any
ness that we think version, they should write the copy and/or draw shifts in their awareness of the power
we have inside— the illustration; if they are designing an audio of love and forgiveness to transform their lives
or video version, they should write the script and any commitments they are making about
all the things that and/or perform it for the group. practicing forgiveness. Thank them for taking
we think are wrong the time to participate in the conversations,
Garden of Forgiveness and let them know they can learn more about
with ourselves … the Campaign for Love & Forgiveness at
Discuss with the group whether they would like
we would then be to create a garden or other place of forgiveness www.loveandforgive.org.
so much more com- in their home or community. What would it take
to make it happen? If there is interest in a com-
passionate with munity garden of forgiveness, help the group
others—probably decide what the next steps should be and who
it’s our lack of com- will follow through.
Forgiving Myself
Pair participants up and ask them to share with
each other something about their life that they
need to forgive themselves for. What is holding
them back? What is one step they could take
toward self-forgiveness? How would that help
them? When you reconvene the group, invite
comments about the exercise.
1 Enright, Robert D., Forgiveness Is a Choice: 14 Ali, M. Amir, “Forgiveness,” The Institute of
A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Islamic Information and Education, http://
Restoring Hope (Washington, DC: American www.hawaiiforgivenessproject.org/library/
Psychological Association, 2001), 25. Forgiveness-in-Islam.pdf.
2 Ibid, 45, 46. 15 Swami Nikhilananda, “The Art of Forgiveness,”
3 Worthington, Everett L., ed. A Handbook of Forgive- Chinmaya Centre,
ness (New York: Brunner-Routledge 2005). www.chinmayamissiondelhi.org/acharya.asp.
4 “Research Into the Strength of Forgiveness,” 16 Gorman, Anna, “Unlikely allies join to fight hate,”
http://www.forgiving.org/Campaign/harness.asp. The Seattle Times, July 18, 2006, A5.
5 Luskin, Frederic and Byron Bland, “Stanford- 17 Luskin, Frederic. Forgive for Good: A Proven
Prescription for Health and Happiness
What we hope to
Northern Ireland Hope 2 Project,” February 2001,
http://www.learningtoforgive.com/researchfiles/ (San Francisco: Harper Collins, 2002), 184. do is to present a
hope2.htm. 18 Ibid, 198, 199.
6 Tutu, Desmond, No Future Without Forgiveness, 19 Worthington, Everett, Five Steps to Forgiveness: meditation garden
(New York: Doubleday, 1999), 35. The Art and Science of Forgiving (New York:
7 McCullough, Michael E. and Everett L. Crown Publishers, 2001), 35. where people can
Worthington, Jr., “Religion and the Forgiving
Personality,” Journal of Personality 67:6
20 Ibid, 60. come and at least
21 Ibid, 75.
(December 1999): 1141, 1142.
22 “Open Up! Writing About Trauma Reduces Stress,
reflect on the possi-
8 “How link between forgiveness and health Aids Immunity,” APA Online, Psychology Matters,
changes with age,” University of Michigan http://www.psychologymatters.org/
bility of forgiveness.
Institute for Social Research, December 11, 2001, pennebaker.html.
www.umich.edu/~newsinfo/Releases/2001/Dec01/ And by that we don’t
r121101a.html. 23 Wiesenthal, Simon. The Sunflower: On the
9 Toussaint, Loren L., et al, “Forgiveness and Health:
Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness (New York: mean … that we
Schocken Books, 1997), 98.
Age Differences in a U.S. Probability Sample,”
Journal of Adult Development, 8:4 (October 2001): 24 Ibid, 157. in any way excuse
249–257. 25 Tutu, Desmond. No Future Without Forgiveness.
(New York: Doubleday, 1999), 31.
horrific acts by evil
10 Sullivan, Jennifer, “Man’s family invites driver to
service,”The Seattle Times, August 23, 2006, B1. 26 Ibid, 147. people. We don’t in
11 Blumenthal, David R., “Repentance and Forgive- 27 Ibid, 120.
ness,”CrossCurrents, www.crosscurrents.org/
28 Ilibagiza, Immaculée with Steve Erwin. Left to
any way condone
blumenthal.htm.
12 Tutu, op. cit., 273.
Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan
Holocaust (Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, Inc.,
acts of violence or
13 Borris-Dunchunstang, Eileen R., Finding Forgive- 2006), 197. terrorism. What we
ness: A 7-Step Program for Letting Go of Anger 29 Ibid. 204.
and Bitterness (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2006), want to do is, we
67–68.
want to invite people
to decide intention-
ally … to opt out of
that cycle of violence
and revenge.
—Lyndon Harris in
A Handbook of
Forgiveness
www.loveandforgive.org -27
Additional Resources
www.loveandforgive.org -29
Tips for Writing Loving and Beautiful Letters
Tips for Writing Loving l Hand write your letters. Your penmanship,
and Beautiful Letters no matter how eccentric, is a piece of you.
W
Hand writing your letters and notes gives
e encourage you to take a pause from the recipient something special.
e-mails, voice mails, and phone calls to
write a note to someone you care about. l E-mail has made it easy to jot down a few
Express your thanks for a kindness, share how you words, spell check, and hit “Send.” But when
miss them, or recall a memory or story. A hand- hand writing a special note, use a scratch
written note, no matter the length, may deepen, pad and draft your letter first. Check spelling
renew, or mend relationships … and maybe even and grammar. Save your good stationery or a
make someone’s day! A letter written from the heart handmade card until you have a clean draft
can be a thoughtful practice capable of making a to copy.
difference to friends, family, even your community.
l Choose beautiful paper to write on and a pen
When writing your letter, consider these tips you enjoy writing with. Embellish with ribbons,
from Lilia Fallgatter, author of The Most Impor- snaps, brads, glitter, or hole punches—the
tant Letter You Will Ever Write, and the people possibilities are endless. Coordinate your post-
at Paper Source: age stamp with your envelope color or the
theme of your letter. If you can draw, sketch, or
l Before you even pick up a pen, create sur- doodle, add something from yourself.
roundings that will evoke the inspiration
to write. l Enhance your letters and notes by including
a favorite poem, a beautiful prayer, song lyrics,
l Make a deliberate effort to clear and quiet personal mementos, or keepsakes. Consider
your mind, and focus on the person to whom sharing a photo your recipient might have
you are writing. forgotten about or never seen, a ticket stub
l Create a list of words or phrases that describe from the play you saw together (special
the person to whom you are writing. original material can be photocopied, rather
than sending the original), or a leaf you
l Create a list of memories or significant picked up while walking together. Line your
occasions and events you have shared with envelope with giftwrap from the present you
this person. are thanking them for.
l Using the lists you’ve created, write the first l Encourage a response by sending a pre-
draft of the letter. Review and edit the first stamped card.
draft; then re-write the letter with the changes
you made. l Don’t let any of the above frighten you—
the most important thing of all is to just do it.
l Write from the heart, tell a story, remind
them of your history together, a favorite time.
Share one thing about that person that you
admire—everyone loves a compliment.
The interpretations and conclusions contained in this publication, unless expressly stated to the contrary, represent the views
of the author or authors and not necessarily those of the John E. Fetzer Institute, its trustees, or officers.
© Fetzer Institute 2007
www.loveandforgive.org -31